Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-22-20

Episode Date: June 22, 2020

Bill rambles about precocious kids, Kenny Rogers, and Jim Kiick.

hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday June 22nd 2020 what's going on how how's it going wake up wake up you sleepyheads get out get out get out of bed what is that is that's that's a fucking musical isn't it is that from Annie huh Annie aka Bill Burr is a chick that's right if I was born a red-headed chick I would end up in an orphanage but my parents because I was a male decided well we can put them to work on the farm none of that is true anyway I'm out here it's like fucking almost it's a quarter to six in the morning and you know I got the kiddos

and all that shit now so I got to knock this thing out before everything everybody gets up you know my wife's all nervous you know I just started to get to me but boo boo boo so you got a fucking gets when you're like okay I get it I get it I get it I get it I know what you're saying could you not disappear and play drums and leave me with two kids and it's like okay I get it you know evidently you're not excited about my improvements in my hobby that bring no money into this house you know I could become you know if it wasn't for my wife I could become one of the greatest drummers who earns no money playing at

never is in a band or really jams with anybody else in the history of my neighborhood on this particular street on this side of the street I could be the best you know providing nobody on the other else in the street plays drums I could be the best you know but you know you know your wife you buy the ankles and pulling you down so there goes that dream fortunately my son has been sleeping pretty solid through the night already he's just a chill little dude which is awesome but still you know it is what it is so we're just trying to get through the first three months here coming up on

week three already if you can believe it crazy June 22nd though people you know what that means yesterday father's day dad father's day yesterday was the longest day of the year now they starting to shorten up now they're starting to shorten up but I never used to know that I used never never used to pay attention to the autumnal equinox and whatever the other one's called for these summer solstice what what that that's for like people who can like look up look up at the sky and fucking navigate their way to a McDonald's you know by using the guy with the bow and arrow can we be honest here none of

those things look like any of those other things do they none of the things even you look at the big dipper and the little dipper I will give you that but there's no fucking bear up there there's no guy with the bow and arrow or maybe that's just beyond my fucking skill set I have no I have no idea summer solstice I see like Joe Saturday June 20th what happens in the summer solstice under us at the summer solstice the Sun travels the longest path through the sky and that day therefore has the most daylight when the summer solstice solstice happens in the northern hemisphere the northern you guys all know this part the

north pole is tilted 23.4 degrees parentheses 23.27 23 degrees 27 what inches towards the Sun six months later the south pole is inclined 23.4 degrees towards the Sun isn't that something that is something to build that's what's called information nobody needs to know and why do I need to know that huh my growing fucking snow peas in the backyard that I got to take down to fucking harvest no I'm not shout out to all the farmers who bring their shit to the farmers market you know we'll raise their snow peas organically you know we don't slap around their chickens told you I saw that thing sorry just you on

there I told you I saw that fucking thing where they were saying chickens can count to 10 they can see more colors than we can you know what number do you think they needed to count to so we wouldn't eat them you know there's a fine line between getting eaten and not getting eaten by human beings and furthermore there's a fine line between being an animal that is now not eaten and now you also have a job you know it's like horses are psyched that we don't eat them at least in this country we don't all right for whatever fucking reason I mean horses if you really look at them are just good-looking cows you

know nice long necks got the beautiful feathered hair you know cows are just sort of like that you know they're fat cousin sloppy tits hanging all over the place use a good time though right but the mistake they make is they they were too I don't know what they they still got a job I mean horses have to look at dogs going like do you realize how lucky you are you that fucking small what's the difference between you and me all right besides the pause what's what's the difference the difference is is you get to lay around on a porch get your fucking belly scratched and I'm out here pulling the goddamn fucking plows

don't horses do that what example people have horses would take people to town fuck I'm gonna be yawning through this whole thing I just got to knock this out because if I knock this out then I can go right into you know hanging with my daughter who by the way fucking trashed me so goddamn bad the other day it was amazing you know her imagination is like off the charts so she either wants to be called Christopher Robin now or Sal or who else I can't even keep up with it right like she won't even respond to her name lately so I make her a chicken burrito granted it's a white version of it I used what I had in the fridge so I

used actually the mozzarella cheese I know that's not a real one but whatever I buy through some fucking guacamole in there all right it was a bastardized white version appropriation of you know Mexican food okay and I'm guilty and I meant no disrespect okay I don't think they should build the wall so I fucking I make this thing by the way before I tell you this fucking story what what the fuck happened to the food network what happened to the food network I mean it used to be people on there teaching you how to fucking cook and then all of a sudden it became those people competing with people on other fucking shows like

the battle of the network stars except they were still all cooking well battle the network stars you had a bunch of actors they weren't trying to out act each other next thing you know they were running track and rowing boats they got outside their skill sets the food network has these fucking people and like what with the music you would think it would be a battle to the death like they were cooking for a king and if he didn't like your fucking your little fricassee you know cook if he just doesn't fucking like it then you're gonna be put to death right and they just all they do is they're just fucking they

don't have enough ingredients they don't have enough fucking time so then they wear that out and what comes on now now would then they now they got fucking kids these weirdo fucking kids making these crazy dishes like the level of information that's out there if you when I was a kid dude if your kid could make a fucking peanut butter and jelly sandwich you're like wow man this kid's an honor student if he could actually make an egg over easy without breaking the fucking yolk you know and the toast was sort of fucking warm when the whole thing came together you you were like I mean I think you put a bumper sticker on

the back of your car my eight-year-old can fucking make an egg over AJ right now you got these little fuckers they're coming in there this is a fucking you know Asian infused gourmet fucking backside fakey fucking pancake whatever the fuck they're doing I really do not like super smart kids that they fucking creep me out they're the closest thing to robots before you know never see one of these little kids come on they're like fucking four years old and they they're playing like Mozart on a goddamn like well those fucking cellos or something I mean it's an amazing thing to do but it's fucking creepy just seeing

their little fingers going up and down the fretboard that expressionless look on their face is their childhood is just slipping away because they have to they have to practice be funny if you went you went to some sort of some sort of event you know some sort of whatever they call convention of advanced children and they go up there and they show their talents you know what I mean they're on a unicycle flipping the bowls onto their head like the red piddly fuck sorry about the yawning right I promise that's the last yawn on the mic the rest of the yarns will be off the mic but you will know I'll be

yawning I would love to go one of those event and as they're doing their fucking one of their skill whatever the fuck it is you know tuning up a fucking Cessna you know as a four-year-old whatever the fuck they're doing I would just love to be in the back just being like terrible parents you only get one child or let him have one look what happened to Michael Jackson sir we're gonna have to ask you to leave why would you do that to a kid why does a kid need to play a cello that good at four he's a prodigy okay great well he's got all of his fucking life with that talent to get good you know and how

many of those fucking cello prodigies ever come up with the fucking do they ever write their own stairway to heaven they don't they just sit down going yeah da da da what a da da you know flight of the bumblebee everybody just sits there fucking clapping you know it's like that guy who decided his baby was gonna be an NFL quarterback and you got to commend the guy the kid the kid actually made it you know Andre Agassiz dad decided he was gonna be it just decided you know something I think I draw the line with sports because at least your kids playing right supposed to sit in there fucking you know we're not a

play a cello is not playing I don't think it's jamming either let's just fucking you know keeping your terrifyingly silent father happy when he comes home after his fucking whatever the fuck he wanted to do you just wish one of those little kids when the dad would come in the overbearing father would come in he's just looking at him he just take that bow and point it you know just stick around his fucking chest be like hey dad no disrespect okay but you know how about I get a slingshot you know can I go play fucking with football you know how am I gonna get any pussy whatsoever playing this fucking music

from 9,000 fucking years ago yeah da da da what do do do the fucking creepy ass music I'm gonna get some emails in this one you know just like you know as a parent of a gifted child I want you to know that when he when my child was two years old we ordered some Schwammer and he just instinctively went to the fridge got some Greek yogurt and then to the spice rack and some dried dill this is his choice to do this not ours I have quit my job I drive around the country and I want you make this his own tahini I've lost friends and I just want you to know that your response is so typical of someone with a normal child I am done

apologizing for having a gifted child okay if and I'll tell you right now if my child is attracted to a spice rack maybe that's what it is maybe it's people with just regular old kids are just jealous of the ones that can play well you know I wouldn't know what that's like because I don't have regular kids and when you see my daughter stepping up to the plate you know I'm typical parent you know your kid does anything you're like oh my god are they a scientist I woke up today with that doobie brother song in my head taking it to the streets I don't know why I'm trying to think why I think because I

got up earlier than I wanted to once again taking a hit it's what you do as a dad you take those feelings and you bury him no one cares no one cares dad no one cares that you fucking tired no one cares that you're gonna hit a wall at about 732 in the fucking morning and there's a whole fucking five hours left before even in the vicinity of a fucking nap right nobody gives a fuck okay I'll tell you right now if the goddamn script was flipped you know that Rachel Meadows and Matt Tapp whatever the chick who cried when Trump got fucking elected which by the way is starting to look like maybe the proper response

oh god that fucking dope I don't wear a mask and now I'm gonna have a rally and have a bunch of people there's fucking poor people they're all gonna get fucking sick too you know and it's not just on the right people also did it on the left all you know but I get it people if I don't know this this is my question okay and this has nothing to do with the left to the right this just has to do with fucking people getting back to work if every time these banker cunts fuck up we can somehow print a bunch of extra money because they're too big to fail at what point are they just gonna print a bunch of fucking money so we can buy a

bunch of tests everybody can get tests the sickie stay home and the other people go to work so we can get fucking on with that lives now you got a third of the population poking their fucking heads out like meerkats when they're trying to go at a fucking cobra that they're trying to keep out of their dent we're all fucking doing that now bobbin and weaving bobbin and weaving on this invisible thing that we can't see and it just keeps giving us the overhand right right there for it I wonder if news people are sick of talking about COVID I got fucked they

came out of their houses now there's a spike Jesus Christ we got it we got to go again how many times can we stand in front of this colored in fucking map why don't they make it great again and get everybody fucking tests why don't they do that why don't they do that now all the conspiracy theorists this is going to be the biggest fucking money grab by super rich people yeah they always take advantage rich people take advantage during the down times now part of it's a lot of it is shitty but the other side she can't get mad that they're fucking good with money you know actually you know I couldn't do that

to somebody they're fucking losing everything and then you fucking come by and get everything at bargain basement prices you just tell yourself that's how the games play all right I know I know that guy I know I've known him since grade school but I don't give a fuck I'm I'm gonna buy I'm gonna buy his old lawnmower and I'm gonna expand my landscaping business whatever the fuck it is you're doing I don't know I just hope that they somehow you know God bless these fucking people working tirelessly to find a fucking cure because you know it's not even the mouth-breathing morons that are going out

at this point people just they got to fucking make money you know why cuz these banker cunts if they could they could just hit pause like a video game they can't just hit fucking pause can't do that no they're gonna get there fuck God forbid those fucking evil cunts the most evil of all evil people are the bankers I've determined that you know slightly behind is people who fucking damaged the environment you know and box out new cleaner technologies fucking evil cunts I mean Jesus talk about fucking heartless goddamn people how fucking heartless do you have to fucking be you know why can't they be a

warm fuzzy person like me you know I think when you guys think of a sunshiney cunt you think of me I like to think that I'm the poster child for that no I'm not I am a cunt but I am gonna do something nice for somebody okay I'm actually doing it for me selfishly because I love this place that Troubadourth podcast is going down next Monday I'm gonna do a show I'm gonna do a fucking podcast live to tape however they used to say it back in the day live in front of no studio audience I'm gonna do my podcast there I'm gonna have autograph posters that you can buy there's gonna be a donation button and

all the proceeds minus the shipping costs I'm gonna go to the Troubadourth hopefully we keep that wonderful venue alive and I don't know beyond that I don't know I don't know what else I could do to try and help people out other than try to be a silly cunt twice a week on this fucking thing so that's going down next week and I know everybody's struggling out there whatever you can donate you know just or watch whatever you know if you can't donate anything just fucking tune in hopefully I'll make you laugh I am excited to be on a fucking stage again to see what's that what's gonna you know what's gonna come

out of me you know at this point I might just do a little bit of stand-up right do some fucking topical shit that you know by the time you know the club's fucking open up again it's not gonna matter um you know just burn those fucking bits burn it in some fucking bits you don't know people I'm your brother Michael Mcdonald I bet his dogs love him you know just sitting there sing along with him boo-doo-doo I ain't blind but I don't like what I think I see right okay anyway what'd you guys do for fire this day I had a wonderful day playing with

my daughter holding my son you know my wife actually gave me the green light to go fly a helicopter yesterday and I decided father's day and father should be with his family right when they young and cute and they still like you I think when you get older you just like oh Jesus maybe I'll go for a walk what do you want for father's day just to kind of get away from the resentment maybe that you know I got a bunch of my friends that their kids are in their teenage years and all they do is just get trashed in their own house everybody the mom piles on it's just I don't know what happened so I'm really trying to

enjoy the first 10 years before it becomes you know what's the deal with dad but I had a great day my lovely wife made me a chicken pie and a nice arugula salad and then she made me some chocolate chip cookies and I'll tell you right now oh daddy warbucks here is off his diet he's back on cigars and I am right at the precipice of becoming a fat fuck who smokes cigars again and I am just gonna nip it in the bud all right that's it it's done okay I had a little slip up and I'm coming back all right I'm doing my cooks today nothing but healthy meals you know and I'm done with the sugar and I'm gonna get right back

to where I was so this time it's good because usually I get up into the buck 80s now I'm just back up to the mid 170s I got to go fucking back down again it's just difficult the old ebb and flow you know back and forth back and forth fucking back and forth I always get right to the point of almost getting the washboard middle back again I get like with literally within five pounds and then I don't know what happens I go out and I get a steak and cheese and I eat it and I look down and looks like my stomach hasn't come out I go wow you know I kind of got a little fucking two-week pass here and it's just

incredible the fucking damage that you can do in two weeks there is no there is no workout you can fucking do short of just starving yourself and even then that's stupid right starving yourself because you're just taking away muscle and you're just gonna be this fucking fleshy so-and-so it's just unreal it's unfucking real that's why I love watching fuck fuck that's delicious with action Bronson and all his friends I love watching that show because I'm watching a bunch of people doing whatever it is whatever the fuck they want to do and there really is something to be said for that you know I just watched

the latest one that I saw they went to Ireland and action Bronson goes I'm gonna be honest with you this is I'm this is my fifth time or something like that to this country and I am 0 for 5 on good food then of course he found he found some great places but I gotta tell you I don't know how the fuck that guy eats the way he does smokes the way he does and then actually can go do a fucking show after that that is an incredible fucking skill set I don't know how how do you fight off the nap I would I would just be fucking done one of my favorite shows out there and then they got one of their friends is somehow

skinny and he seems to eat the same way they do I don't know how he does it he must like really he must really be into that portion control shit all right anyways and that's on the vice channel you got to check that out all right let me do let me do a couple of reads here before everybody in my house gets up and it gets fucking crazy yeah fucking crazier when and now you know guns and roses back in the day they used to play that place that's why they played the troubadour to kick off before the one they all got back together again at least three of them got back together right you know maybe I'll do a little I'll do a

little bald axle rose you know bald Billy at bald Billy Rose when I'm there you're fucking crazy when and now all right me undies everybody hi friends oh wait let's let's sing here let's let's sing a little fucking thing but do do do me undies me undies your kids will fucking hate you soon do do do do me undies me undies when they're done with the cartoons they get into their teen years they think you're a dick you're still paying for shit and it makes you sick maybe you're psyched and when they fucking go to college the ungrateful son of a son da da do do see that I didn't say son of a bitch cuz then I'd be fucking

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shipping and a 60-day money back guarantee what do you mean you want to give it back did anybody kill you in the last 60 days well then you got to keep it simply safe as that that's simply safe bird comm to make sure they know that we sent you simply safe burr comm is that slash burr I don't there's no slash or period all right and lastly but not leastly you got to be honest when you came up in school you were jealous of the smart kid the same reason why I don't like gifted children I just I don't like precocious children okay act your age okay don't be fucking you know coming here with with you with your

precociousness because every fucking thing you do your parents sit there going like oh my god isn't that amazing I can't believe that look at look how he's holding the fork I mean that is just you know you know those fucking kids who come over and they have nothing but praise so they think they actually have something to contribute and what do they do they start running their fucking yaps when adults are talking it's like hey stupid okay I'm not your parents I'm not blown away by your intellect you're fucking annoying okay stop doing your little cartwheel it's not impressive and by the way you get your fucking legs

tucked in so really it's not a cartwheel it looks like you started to a cartwheel and then you're fucking scared of it I think less of you every time you do the cartwheel Jesus what's wrong with you I don't know all right policy genius with everything going on right now a lot of people are asking if it's even possible to buy life insurance at all the short answer is yes I don't be a dick but a shorter answer would have been no it's one less word all right I'm sorry I'm a stats guy except when it comes to figure out who's gonna win the playoffs because the regular season doesn't mean shit unless you're just looking at what

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worry about and you know what I got one less thing for you guys to worry about when is bill gonna finish that story of his daughter trashing him I just remembered all right so I made the white guy taco no sorry burrito so my daughter takes a baby bite into it first of all she goes I don't like burritos I go trust me you're gonna like this thing you know it's a chicken or mozzarella and put a little fucking guacamole on top okay I didn't decay what do you want for me I am a gringo it was a gringo fucking burrito gringo burrito oh man that sounds like a fucking winner at a food truck right for a little bit he's

appropriating our slur against him well what I thought I was doing is the way black people made the n-word sound cool when they said it to each other I thought I could do that with gringo cancel him and his food truck immediately Bill what were you thinking I don't know sorry right there I just took you the month my that was my entire career of my food truck Mexican infused food truck gringo burrito from your favorite neighborhood cunt comes the gringo burrito so I made a gringo burrito right and my daughter took a little bite into it and she goes dad this is dad dad this is yuck I go we talking about she goes

it's yuck I don't like it she's pushing the plate away so I go give me a little I'll sit and I go well I did not use the authentic ingredients here right so this is like when orange crush went from the real sugar to fucking whatever the fuck else they started putting in there so I took a bite out of it and I was like sweetheart I go not only I go not only is this don't I go what did I say if you go what I said I go this is literally delicious and she looks at me she goes it's literally yuck so I go sweetheart and then she goes it's Sal call me Sal and I didn't know what to do after that anyways shout out rest in peace to the

great one-of-a-kind Jim kick the two-time Super Bowl champion of the Miami Dolphins the undefeated Miami Dolphins in 1972 one half of butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid the nickname back when they always had great nicknames back then Larry Zonka and Jim kick and then they also had Mercury Morris and they had like who's it Larry little was those guys who were blocking for Bob greasy you know all of those guys and the fucking were they the no-name defense I think they were you think if you went undefeated and won the Super Bowl and went back to back and went to three straight Super Bowls your your defense

could get a nickname especially back then but the no-name defense I guess that is a nickname the great Jim kick once once again has passed away and I don't know I hate when I said you know those guys I mean he was a little before my time but I read a bunch of shit on him as I was growing up so rest in peace the only modern well actually undefeated team in NFL history 1929 Green Bay Packers which they don't count they went 12 oh and one two bare teams went undefeated but in just in the regular season like the 2007 Patriots and then lost in the playoffs playoffs so I don't know that fucking blows it's only 72 years old

died of Alzheimer's you know all right that's a bummer but the great Jim kick thank you for all the great football that you played all those amazing highlights and being part of one of the greatest teams of all time if not the greatest the 72 dolphins okay all right now here we go from a lady lady lady how many songs begin with lady it was Kenny Rogers right lady you are something and you're something and I love you rest in peace Kenny Rogers right a lot of people like him for fucking his music I like there's little chicken shacks all right lady Kenny Rogers lyrics I guarantee you there's something in here now that women

would have a problem with all right first line he's good lady your night in shining armor and I love you you have made me what I am and I am yours geez Kenny going real sappy here my love there's so many ways I want to say I love you how many people did this fucking song get in trouble why don't you ever say stuff like that to me I don't know cuz I don't have a fucking Santa Claus beer and a fucking chicken shack go fuck Kenny Rogers huh I'm taking you a drive-in movie am I or am I not let me hold you in my arms forever more you've gone and made me such a fool I'm so lost in your love and oh girl we belong

together won't you believe in my song oh my god this had all Kenny's fucking friend shaking their head like he ain't coming back from this one lady for so many years I thought I'd never find you you have come into my life and made me whole forever let me wake to see you each morning each and every morning let me hear you whisper softly in my yeah all right all right Jesus Christ I was wrong all right then there was that other one that one of those fucking ario speed bag speed speed bag ball bag fucking bands made and I never got past the first lady remember those high-pitched mustachioed feathered head

fucking weird in that weird part where disco was over but metal haven't taken over there was just this weird sort of a feminine looking like stereo salesman looking vibe that actually passed for rock stars before metal music saved it and they took from the gay SNM scene and and essentially were cross-dressers they took it they went way they did New York dolls meets Al Pacino and cruising and rescued us from the effeminate dude working at Radio Shack look that those guys in all all of those fucking bands where I couldn't name one of their fucking songs but I know it when I hear it the band that sticks ario speed wagon

oh man there was like a bunch of those they existed in this weird area of rock but not rock but rock easy listening but not easy listening but hey this is a little little light here in the loafers there all right from a lady dear Bill I'm an Irish lady from Dublin I'm an Irish lady from Dublin I just want to tell you I just want to say how much you've cheered me up the past year my husband passed away oh no as I'm doing a fucking bad accent my husband passed away last year two weeks after being diagnosed with cancer the big casino I started listening to the podcast then about grief and death and all things

depressing what I started listening to the podcast then about grief and death and all things depressing one day I thought what am I doing I need something to take my mind off sad things so I started listening to your podcast I have laughed out loud so many times it's been a breath of breath I'll tell you right now if you can make somebody in Ireland laugh that's that's that counts this is that's that's an extra two points on the laugh those are some funny motherfuckers over them and people in Scotland if you can make those fucking people laugh it makes you just makes you feel like even better at your job it's

it's a breath of fresh air and the mad thing is I kind of agree with you on a lot of things you say oh Jesus maybe I'm a lunatic too but keep up the good work and go fuck yourself lots of love oh that's awesome well I'm so sorry what happened to your husband oh man that's a rough one that's something every married person has to deal with you know who's gonna go first you know nobody wants to die but then now I'm gonna make her bummed out again you know oh Jesus why cyclists wear shoes and clothing oh Jesus Christ someone's gonna try you're gonna try to correct me on this fucking thing yes please tell me why after you

buy the the fucking Tour de France level bike you then went out and bought the whole fucking outfit you know I mean that'd be like if you bought a sports car and then you drove down the street wearing a helmet with that onesie zip up that race car to fire retardant suit with sponsors that aren't paying you I'll tell you right now I like to try and keep an open mind here oh man you know I've I miss stand-up so much and now just thinking about how funny people in Ireland Scotland are and how much fun I have when I do stand up over there I I can't wait for this troubadour show alright there I said it I'm excited

again oh Billy is gonna make his fucking comedy great again okay why cyclists wear shoes and clothing I just want to commend this person for fucking writing in with this topic knowing how like entrenched I am like that dumb cunt like that lynching I guess was not considered a hate crime or something I don't even know what and there was one guy going well you know we need to clarify it I should probably read up I'll read up on that I'll fucking make fun of that shit on the next podcast all right why cyclists wear shoes and clothing hey Billy bitch tits I'm a mammal middle-aged man in lycra I was at a country what is

that lycra lycra oh it's a fabric I thought that was a part of the world that was a country I never heard of is a fiber and that's like one of those ones in jeopardy what is the capital of lycra oh we got our daily double lycra is a fiber that is combined with other fibers to create fabrics used in many of the clothes you wear including active wear leg wear intimates swimwear oh spandex okay all right he's a mammal middle-aged man in spandex basically in lycra and what me did I pronounce it correctly lycra let's see a pronunciation I love that

they have this little thing that you can hit it some fucking poor robot lycra lycra lycra lycra lycra lycra all right I was saying it right all right lycra middle-aged man in lycra and wanted to shed some light on a few things the shorts are to prevent chafing I wrote my bike everywhere I fucking went for the first 20 years of my life my balls were never chafing you know I don't know maybe maybe because I had my baby balls at that point did they start chafing when I got older maybe I didn't ride my bike as much as I thought I don't know baby balls on the Disney Channel all right the shorts the shorts are to prevent

chafing wick sweat what does that mean is that dick sweat and have padding for the ass when you start doing 50 to 100 mile rides regular gym shorts just don't cut it for most people dude am I supposed to believe that you're doing 50 to 100 mile rides every fucking day these people who go out for like a fucking five mile ride and they dress like Lance Armstrong that's who I'm making fun of 50 a hundred miles I don't give a fuck you have a fucking lampshade on yet I don't give a fuck that's amazing the jersey is also to wick sweat what the fuck does that mean is also to wick sweat and has I gotta look this up Jesus

Christ with your fucking bicycle fashion speak here wick sweat meaning a moisture wicking fabric has two job one quickly moving wicking sweat to the fabrics outer surface and the other is to drying rapidly so that your sweat doesn't saturate the fabric all right I don't know dude you sound like a fucking pussy to me my balls get shaved and then my shirt gets all sweaty and I get a chill if only there was a fabric that could help me with my problem could I get some more padding in my underwear why don't you just hire somebody to ride the bike for you good Lord that's like people on motorized skateboards you know

when I was a kid you had to push off yourself and all over the us now middle age with one leg a little longer than the other the jersey is also to help wick sweat and has pockets in the back to keep food sweatpants have pockets cell phone keys etc you need to eat if you're riding for more than 90 minutes and the jersey pocket allows you to grab food without stopping you don't need to eat after 90 minutes you just like doing it because you see these dumb cunts not dumb cunts these fucking athletes in the Tour de France doing it it makes you feel it's like the douche that when you go to play pick up football shows up

with cleats in the fucking black shit under his eyes the tight fitting of the clothing is to keep them from flapping in the wind over that time trial you're not doing when you go over 20 miles per hour are bombing down a hill at 40 miles an hour loose loose clothing gets wicked annoying I thought wick was removing the sweat the shoes are attached I feel like I'm on the fashion channel what are you wearing the shoes are attached to the pedals because when you sprint or go up steep steep hills your feet will come off when using regular flat pedals that actually makes sense I get that it's also to keep your

foot in the optimal position which is helpful for both comfort and injury prevention for long rides whoever thought there was a sport beyond golf that did more to help fucking people that sucked at it to be better at it my ass hurts when I ride this bicycle do you have any shorts do you have any short yes absolutely absolutely sir we have padding right and then they're for your ass and this is the the t1000 shorts the t standing for taint where it'll protect your prostate we've carved out the seat on your bicycle so your taint so I guess your prostate's right on the other side of that like listening to it

you know like what's on the other side of that door you know so we've cut that out that'll be fine yeah but you know now that my ass is padded I just feel like my feet are coming out of the pedals no problem we got these slippers they just clamp right in and you know gravity is not even a fucking issue anymore all you have to do is just keep moving your fucking legs okay great but could you not use that language I do my best to not hold up cars so being able to sprint all out when I do have to be in traffic is important and the clipless pedals help a ton well look at that he's actually consider it the fucked up thing

is they are called clipless pedals but you have to clip into them we know we look ridiculous but the clothing is all about function I'm sorry for the Fred's you have to deal with a Fred is a douche that spent a ton of money on his bike and gear but his ability sucks it would be like a person buying a Neilpert sized kit and not being able to play a basic drumbeat alright well dude if you're one of those guys that's actually riding at a ridiculous fucking pace I don't have a problem with it I just discovered efforts for family in the show is fucking amazing please keep making episodes here is a deep cut for you

Albert Collins honey hush I the honey hush sounds like it's gonna have the exact opposite lyrics as lady honey hush lyrics okay let him roll like a big wheel in a Georgia cotton field honey hush oh god this isn't gonna be about fucking slave labor is it now baby come in this house stop all that yakity yak this is what I wanted to hear I say come in this house baby stop all that yakity yak come fix my supper don't want no talking back oh my god this is great well you keep on jabbering you talk about this and that well you keep on jabbering you're talking about this and that I probably realize why they repeat

shit in the blues you're supposed to infer that she won't stop running or yep so he's got to say it again well you know you keep jabbering you talk about this and that well you keep jabbering you talk about this and that I got news for you baby you ain't nothing but an alley cat turn off the waterworks baby that's right don't buy the tears they don't move they don't move me no more how could you be so mean turn off the waterworks baby they don't move me no more when I leave this time I ain't coming back no more honey hush I say come in this house stop all that yakity yak it's right make me a fucking sandwich you

unappreciative so-and-so all right thank you for that all right so I get it so basically not everybody who dresses like they're in the the fucking tour de France is being a deuce and I guess if you are riding at a high skill set level beyond 90 minutes you don't want to be your body to be burning the muscle that you're trying to be building so you need to eat I get it now I get it all right why do you call them Fred's is that right there Fred I gotta look this up I want to ride my bicycle with a padded fucking ass bice I can never spell I always spell bicycle be why first bicycle term Fred Fred is a

derisive term I thought a divisive a derisive term used by serious in quote road cyclists to describe other cyclists who do not conform to serious road cyclist norms with regard to dress and equipment and appear amateurs to them maybe they're convicted drunk drivers they're on the way to work and they have to dress like it the term is generally reserved for men while the rare female Fred is sometimes called a Doris oh god I got the hiccups does it stand for something are you guilty of being a Doris or a Fred you know I really am amazed with how liberal the left is supposed to be and just the amount of

fucking name-calling in terms that they come up with people and how bullying they are it's fucking ridiculous all of that behavior they always made fun of on the right you know they're just doing the same fucking thing you're an apologist you're a fucking this you're that shut up get a little bump out with your deep down body of thirst why did that just pop in my head Gatorade is thirsty with your deep down body of thirst all right offensive sign oh this is a great one my neighbor unfortunately made the news last week due to and a budding neighborhood and a budding neighborhood neighbor hanging a three

by five middle finger overlooking our new neighborhood picture and story attached I saw this this guy lived you know in a nice wooded area and then they cleared out the woods and they're putting down these obviously bigger more modern houses this guy hated it probably fought with the town for the development and lost so he he has this giant sign that's just a middle finger at the neighborhood we just moved in there we just moved in and there are ten children under ten years old in the neighborhood of course we just don't want to expose our children to this expose your children to what the middle finger

people have asked the guy to remove the sign from his property facing ours but he claims his first amendment rights protect him and as such has continued to have the sign overlooking our neighborhood well I watched the tape the cop said yes it is within his first amendment right even shining a light on it at night that's fucking hilarious we assume it is due to the new construction noise I don't think it's you know it's not the noise it's that you cleared out all those fucking trees probably you have a bigger better more modern house than him or her the first time I saw it I took the high road rather than tearing

the thing down and asked him face to face he just stared at me and said freedom of speech and went inside his home he is supposedly an attorney oh so he has a nice home in a wooded area I love it so I'm sure he is just waiting for me to do something stupid like trespass and tear it down do I just ignore this ass hat what would you tell your four-year-old kid who walks by it daily here's to him here's the news story I would tell him that's the middle finger and that's what you do when somebody cuts you off in traffic then it's over and just say that that guy's mad because we cut down all the woods

maybe he's a conservationist who loves conserving nature after they've cut down the trees that built his house then he becomes a conservationist that's what I would do I think you guys at 100% overreacting and in a way you're actually making this guy feel better because he's bothering you that much I would tell him exactly what that is what do you tell your four-year-old kid who walks by it daily does your kid really ask you turn it into an educational thing how many fingers is that the hand holding up one oh my god you're so smart and how many fingers are down one two three four that's right four plus one is what five

there you go congratulations yeah I think you guys all need to just enjoy your brand-new huge fucking homes this is what I would do I would make a sign that waves at his sign just have fun with it what you're doing is you're doing exactly what he wants you to do is he wants you to be upset so I would just not be upset and I would teach a kid what flipping the bird is I mean you live in Massachusetts he's gonna learn soon enough what do I tell my four-year-old son Jesus Christ what has happened to the fucking world hobbies and tomorrow tomorrow I love you tomorrow I'm a childish kid in an orphanage a parentless

kid sorry childless kid parentless kid all right dear Billy tomorrow I'm starting to feel like things won't be back to normal for a while it's made me reconsider whether or not it's worth it to continue certain hobbies like collecting things or even my job sometimes I could retire with the intent to get a part-time job somewhere in a few years to make up for retiring so early just wondering if you're losing interest in anything or suspect you'll be cutting out hobbies I'm losing interest in sitting around I miss I miss living my dream as a comedian a working comedian and no I you know I'm keeping

the old stiff upper lip here and I'm trying to do what the CDC is telling us to do and I just really wish that we had leadership that could somehow you know across the board if we just had if the Democrats and Republicans could just fucking work together and if CNN and Fox could stop pitting Americans against each other we just all fucking pull in the same goddamn direction all the fucking money that's being lost can we just get everybody fucking tested can we just put a fucking thing on the house floor to just say fuck this let's just take money and fucking put it towards this find out who's sick find

out who isn't get the sick people away from the healthy people get the healthy people back to fucking work why can't we do that who would be against that CNN and Fox would be against it without a fucking doubt depending on who fucking came up with the idea because that is their brand fucking assholes everybody on CNN and Fox should be fucking did you they should everybody involved with both of those channels should be considered treasonous citizens and just kicked out of this fucking country what they've done to this fucking country just tore everybody apart because they're not journalists they're just doing op-ed

pieces just rants about you know oh my god you have a blue tie oh my god you're a fucking genius oh you have a red and vice versa it's just the stupidest fucking shit ever alright underrated appliance dear Billy non-stick sometimes I see people using random appliances I know my parents never owned I'm a toaster guy that's all I have on my counter besides the coffee maker every now and then I think could I be doing better do you have an ice cream maker food to hydrator panini maker anything underrated that requires attention loving listening to you and Bert talked to Sag at the other week congrats on your baby boy thank you

I have a panini maker my wife you know nini the panini maker she was all about the paninis and now it just takes up space every once in a while we know when she was pregnant she started craving and I started making them and if you have if you use a panini maker one of the keys is when the cheese inevitably drips out once you take that sandwich off as the sandwich cools a little bit that wonderful crunch as you cut it diagonally because you love the person you with I always try to get over there and try to start the cleanup you know before it because cheese will fucking it cools down and then it just becomes like

I don't know what trying to get off of it so before you buy a panini maker just make sure you really love a panini to the point that you don't mind having to take a fucking hammer and a chisel I food processor is if you really cook in that type of thing is priceless I do have a juicer I have this is what I have I have a toaster we finally got rid of our two slicer one it just I couldn't fix it I couldn't get the handle to go down I didn't understand the electricity thing and the only people I find out here repairmen that would fucking fix the goddamn thing I had to go over to their house okay and I've watched enough of the

first 48 I'm not going over to some creepy guy's house that fixed toasters I'm just not doing all right and speaking of which my my paper shredder jammed in the most brutal way possible I was putting a little standard size you know copier paper through there and I think I put it bottom side in first so when it got to the staple of the paper clip it was up top and I can't get a grip on it I literally took the whole fucking thing apart I still can't get to it without taking apart the actual motor itself and I have to unplug shit and like I said electricity is like magic to me so I got to try it's wizardry I don't know how to

do it so I got to figure out how to do that shit I got not meaning I got to find somebody in Los Angeles that will unjam a paper shredder all right that's it that's the podcast everybody go fuck yourselves have a wonderful couple of days here and please stop watching Fox News in CNN okay and find a reason to like somebody across the aisle they are people are allowed to like what they like people are allowed to vote how they want to fucking vote let's I don't know is it gonna be up to us to try and figure this fucking thing out because everybody else is using it as a way to make fucking money or or I don't know redefine

their fucking political stance I have no idea what the fuck's going on out there but you know states acting independently where we're gonna open up and blah blah blah blah now there's a spike and then CNN and Fox just started all over again it's fucking Groundhog Day here so I swear to God they better make a fucking goddamn day off in a statue for all these fucking wonderful men and women that are figuring out how to fucking you know come up with a test and and get a cure for all of this shit because I don't know what other people are doing not everybody but it's just I don't know what are you doing you was

signing off you're right I was signing off all right let's go off positive let's help each other all right be a good person wave to that guy with the middle finger all right go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you on Thursday