Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-23-14

Episode Date: June 23, 2014

Bill rambles about chicken porn, crying in the shower and yelling at his 8th grade French teacher.

IKEA Tip of the Week Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, IKEA family members get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. IKEA What do I start?

I don't even know where to begin. I take my special Friday night in Atlanta at the Tabernacle and I want to thank everybody who came out. I had a wonderful time. As always, there were a couple of glitches. As always, a couple of people screamed out. And as always, what the fuck are you going to do?

I had a great time and I'm really looking forward to putting that special out and coming up with my new hour of material. And right now, I'm trying not to freak out because essentially, when this thing comes out in a couple of months, I have no act. I mean, I have an act, but it will be an act that potentially

people in the crowd have seen. So, I have to try some, I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. You know what I do when I try to build a new hour? No, Bill, we don't know, nor do we give a shit. Well, fuck you, it's my podcast. I'm going to talk about it. And what I like to do basically,

I basically, I take off all rules of like hackneyed shit. I don't give a fuck. I will talk about anything. So, I am now just looking what's going on in the news. Hey, it's a little interesting thing here. It's like Jay Leno's bit, right? He takes like the headlines, except he actually has a staff of writers

combing through to actually find funny ones. I, on the other hand, will be going down to the clubs, just throwing anything I can up against the wall. Why the fuck is it so hot in here? Jesus Christ, and I can't open the fucking windows, because my neighbors are going to freak out. I'm taping this Sunday night, so everybody's home right now. God damn it.

Jesus, it's not one fucking thing. You know what, I was going to do it in the bedroom, but my wife wants to go take a bath and relax. Which, you know, is that wrong? No, it's not wrong. You know, is it pathetic that I can't do a podcast in the next room without disturbing her, because I scream and yell and rant and rave and all that shit?

That's pathetic. I guess that is pathetic. So, I am out here in the living room. I can't open the fucking windows, and I tell you, the heat's getting to me already. Oh, it's getting to me. What would you rather do? Would you rather freeze to death? I'll get myself a dilemma here. Would you rather freeze to death, or I'm not going to say burn to death.

Everybody's going to choose freezing to death, although there'll be a couple of douches. Well, both of them are going to be painful, so I'd rather get the pain over with. You know, hit me with some sort of scientific facts, or whatever. He'll just say some science shit. They don't even have to be facts when it comes to my scientific background, of which I have none.

You know, I took two goddamn classes. No, I didn't even do that. One was chemistry, and I was just like, I'm not fucking looking at bugs. You know? I know it's not bugs, but I had to follow through with that sentence because that's the first thing I thought of

when I was looking in the Petri dish. What are you looking at, huh? Oh, that's biology. So, I was still wrong. Chemistry. You know what I love about this fucking podcast? It's how dumb you guys think I am. Not how dumb you think I am, but like how much smarter... Like the shit that you guys write. I swear to God. You fucking animals just like me.

Alright, but whatever. Maybe that's my job. My job is to make you feel better. Better? I don't know. I have no idea. But anyways, yeah, my science background is horrific. I took... I just didn't give a fuck when I was younger. They shouldn't try to teach you that shit when you're young.

You know, you're too busy staring at the fucking hot chicks in class. You're sitting there with a fucking rod, you know, trying to memorize a periodical chart. You can't do that. And if you can, you know what? I don't even know what the fuck you are. You're not even a human being. How are you not looking at the chick that developed the quickest? You know, with the tits over there,

or Jordash jeans, whatever, Sasson, whatever the fuck they had back when I was a kid. That's what you're looking at. Or even worse, you had some hottie for a fucking teacher that you wanted to bang. You know, I would tell you about that time I got in trouble a long time ago. I was taking this French class. And the teacher I had was beautiful. And she had a habit of wearing dresses where she had a slit halfway up the side of her fucking leg.

You know, I'm in the eighth grade. What am I supposed to do? Well, long story short, one day she came in, and she had a slit up on both sides of the dress. Right? So she would be writing on the board, and when she would step back. Did I even tell the story? I can't remember. She would step back so you could see, you know, she'd step one leg back.

And then somehow you could basically see halfway up her leg on her inner thigh, on the leg closest to the blackboard. And like the fuck it was over. All right, no blood in my brain. I'm just going. All I'm doing is thinking how to say in French, please step back again. See who play. I have no idea.

I don't, I'm not even fucking listening. And to this day, I don't know. I never, I was one of the worst I've ever had a teacher yell at me. She called on me. All right. And I'm trying to fucking answer her. And I'm trying to bullshit my way through. And she realizes that I haven't been fucking paying attention.

And she flipped out calling me a liar. It's screen to this day. I swear to God, something was going on in her home life because it's like, yeah, I mean, you should just called me a fucking liar and moved on. She just fucking she berated me for like the last 20 minutes of the class. I remember Jesus, I'm rubbing my head now thinking about I was just sitting there, you know, you know how many times I've thought about that fucking moment in my life. And I just wish that I had the emotion maturity to be like, you know,

you weren't paying attention. Were you? And I'd be like, no, I wasn't. I wasn't. Why don't you, you know, not come to class. All right. With two slits up both sides. You dress and I won't be, you know what, your inner thigh is way more interesting

than watching you go just sweet to a and all that fucking crap. Okay. Send me down to the office. What do you want? What do you want from me? I don't give a, yeah, whatever. I'm not passing this class anyways. Am I?

Am I? You know what? Fuck this. I want to thank you for dressing the way that you do because that shit you're writing on the board is not interesting. It's not nearly as interesting as what's going on downstairs there. Okay. And quit acting like you don't know what you're doing and you're yelling at me.

You're getting on me. You're having a bad time with your fucking husband. That's what it is. What's the matter? He doesn't want to touch anymore. So now you got to come in here all gussied up, get us all hot and bothered, right? And then fucking scream and yell at me because I'm not paying. Yeah, you're not even yelling at me.

You're yelling at your fucking husband. Can you imagine? I actually, I probably wouldn't have gotten half of that out. I don't fucking know. You know, not to mention, I had, you know, I guess I had really bad ADD. Yeah, I can't, you know, the only time I can focus is if I give a fuck about something or my life is in jeopardy. You know, like I went on a motorcycle ride today with a buddy of mine and we drove all

the way down sunset, all the way down and all the way back. And I got to tell you, I don't see the enjoyment in riding a motorcycle. I don't get it. It always looks awesome. But once you're on there, all you're thinking is I'm going to die. That's a fucking Range Rover. Jesus Christ. Get the fuck away from me.

You know, the whole fucking, you can't look at anything. All you're doing is make you driving down the street. You're making sure that nobody's pulling out somewhere. No one's going to open a door up. You get up to a fucking stoplight. You got to look in your rear view mirror to make sure nobody rear ends you and pushes you out into traffic. Fucking horrific. You're going around a turn.

You got to look your way through the goddamn term and then make sure the other asshole across the street, you know, coming the other way, isn't going to wipe you out. But I got to tell you, my focus is incredible. I guess that's the only way I can focus. Or if there's like something, something is on the line. Other than that, I just started staring at bugs on the ceiling or whatever. I don't know what it is I do. I'm out of my fucking mind.

So anyways, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. So I take my special this weekend and you know, that's the fun part of the horrific part now is I have to go back and I got to go in during the editing process. And that's not something I like doing. I got this weird thing. If I videotape myself for the club, I can sit there and I can watch it and I can laugh and I can enjoy it. But the second I know you guys are going to see it too, I get all in my head and everything I'm doing. I think, gee, why did I do that? What am I doing?

Blah, blah, blah. Why did I say this? You know, why is my weight on my right leg right now instead of my left leg? It's fucking torture. So I got to push my way through it because, you know, I'm trying to make sure, you know, with each special, you know, you want to be a little bit better than you were the last time you want to look a little bit better than the last one. So I didn't realize with that also becomes the pressure of, I don't know, trying to keep going up. I don't fucking know. I don't know.

Whatever. It's behind me. Okay. So now basically what I'm doing is I'm looking over these, I'm trying to watch the news, which I can't do because I don't know about, I don't know where you guys live in the world, but we don't really have news over here. We have a little bit of it, but for the most part, it's basically the Democrat news and the Republican news. It's really fucking sad. I like the way they used to lie to us. I liked it back in the day, you know, when they just had that person, that fucking older white guy who had that sound in his voice that just sounded like he fucking, you know, was giving you the straight deal, you know, as opposed to now we got all these personalities that are like bigger than the news,

you know, all those silly cunts on Fox news and all those dipshits on CNN. Who's that guy with the fucking silver hair on CNN? What is he? What does he call his show? Ah, Jesus Christ. I, I can't remember. You got the, you got the one calls it the, the situation room, which you remember, opi and opi and Anthony used to always make fun of the situation room. And you got what's his face going, yeah, this is a no spin zone that Bill O'Reilly jerk off.

This is a no spin zone. It's like, dude, the, your entire fucking show was you spinning it. There's no such thing as a no spin zone. Right now I'm spinning how I think news is in this country. So you guys agree with what the fuck I say. There's no such thing like I'm going to give you the straight dirt. And if you wanted to, you couldn't because you're getting it off that fucking, whatever the fuck it is, that ticker tape thing that you get it. You know, you weren't there.

You don't know what happened. And even if you were there, I'm going to get it. It's going to be what happened cut with your childhood. That's what's going to happen because it goes into your brain and then it's fucking in there and it's stepped on like drugs. It's not the pure shit that just happened. So I can't watch it. What the fuck does that guy call this show? That silver haired guy.

It's something arrogant. Something arrogant like he's giving you, you know, what the fuck is supposed to be happening. Anderson Cooper 360. Is that what it is? I thought it was worse than that. 360 is not bad, right? He's spinning around as he tells the news. Today in Egypt it was a race.

Sorry. Terrible joke. You know what? I'll put that in my act. I need jokes. Anderson Cooper 360. Look at net worth. Who the fuck would look up his...

I don't know. It's just guys making a year. What did they do? They said, didn't you read teleprompters? I could do that. I thought he had something. I thought it was called something worse than that. Anderson Cooper 360.

Sounds like one of them X game tricks. He did a backside fake. He followed by Anderson Cooper 360. Jesus Christ. Insert homophobic joke there. Like what would an Anderson Cooper 360... skateboard look like? Oh, that's...

You know what? That's too easy. Full coverage from Anderson live in Baghdad. I know what annoys me is when he goes out and he tells a story and he's got a fucking helmet on. You know what I mean? Jesus Christ. A helmet won't even help you on a motorcycle. Okay.

You're in a fucking war zone. Take it off and show your great hair, you son of a bitch. Anderson Cooper 360. Spinning around live here in Baghdad. Republicans do everything wrong. Oh, keeping them honest. Is that what he does? Why am I asking you guys?

Why didn't I do my fucking research on this thing? Keeping them honest. Gay conversion therapy. Jesus Christ. I can't imagine the tension there. Dude, how fucking retarded are you that you actually think that you can stop somebody from being attracted to what they're attracted to and then also thinking that it's unnatural? You know? I don't understand that.

Unless you're talking about pedophiles. But even them, it's the way they're wired if something happened to them and then they try to undo that wiring. That's noble work. But I mean, at the end of the day, I mean, we all know what needs to happen. You got to take them out behind the barn and give them the old fucking old yellow treatment, right? It's over. You can't help it. I know it's not your fault.

You want to help. You want to fuck a kid. We can't have that. Okay. Maybe someday in the future. I don't know when, but not now. When would you? I don't know when you would, but it's not going to happen.

So you're done. It's over. Quit you crying. Be a goddamn man. Right? And then that's it. So. Keeping them honest, gay conversion therapy.

Look at this fucking weirdo. How do they try to convert you from not being gay? I bet they just have you sitting there, right? If it's a gay, a gay man and they'd be like, all right. Okay. We're going to do something different here. Okay. The next thing I want you to do is think about having sex with a man.

Okay. Are you doing it? Yeah. Yeah. I'm doing it. I just keep thinking about that. You having sex, you know, he smells like old spice, you know, whatever you're into, blah, blah, blah.

And it gets the fucking dude aroused and then he just has some naked woman come in and do like a flying scissor kick and put a snatch right in his face. Right. Gets that stank on him while he still has an erection. Thinking that maybe that would take, you know, other than that, I don't know how you do it. But what's funny about that was then if they wanted to convert me to being gay that they would do the exact same thing except the flying scissor kick would be somebody's package coming flying at my face.

I mean, I'm going to go on a limb and say that that's not going to work. Dude, how isolated are you as a fucking human being that you're actually part of a group that's trying to do some shit like this? I mean, I guess people looked at Orville and Wilbur right like, yeah, you out of your fucking mind. You're trying to fly. That's crazy. So maybe they think that they're doing that except with like sexuality.

You know, what's funny about the early planes is when the people didn't understand that the meaning of the wings was to gain speed. So they tried to have like, well, I don't know. Isn't that what they thought? Isn't that something else that I haven't read about? They thought that it's got something to do with the flapping of the wings before they realized like, no, we just need to somehow gain some speed. We got to build something that somebody can run with.

Oh, Jesus. Look, fuck you guys. I already told you I didn't take any science classes. Okay. It goes, you know, anyways, Jesus, this fucking podcast is all over the place. Let's let's do a little advertising here. All right. Convert your kid back to being straight kit.

I'm kidding. All right. Dollar Shave Club. Everybody the big companies think we're stupid. Every year they roll out some ridiculous shave technology gimmick and expect us to shell out big bucks for it. Yeah, they got that new, that ball thing. Oh, they got it there.

Vibrating handle, roller pivot ball, back scratcher, egg timer, laser pointer, corkscrew, all of that crap. Do we really need that people? Personally, I know that I don't. I know that I don't. I know that I was fine with two fucking blades. One sucked unless you had a straight blade. What do you call it?

Straight razor? Straight razor or if you had one of those, what do they call those safety razors? Those things are fine. But if you're just talking about a Gillette style razor, which is what these people are selling, okay? All you need is the two fucking blades. Personally, that's what I'm thinking. Anyways, he said we were shaving just fine before any of that junk and I definitely don't

need to spend my hard earned cash on it. If you're sick of being treated like a fool, join the hundreds of thousands of smarter people who joined Dollar Shave Club.com. Dollar Shave Club delivers the best blades and grooming supplies for just a few bucks a month. Even if this shit was the same, the fact that they're going to bring it to your door. This is a no brainer. Their blades are better than the big shave companies for a fraction of the price.

All right. My listeners can get started now at Dollar Shave Club.com slash Burr. And hey, if you're already a member, you got to check out their new doctor cavies, post shave lotion. It's the perfect way to make peace with your face after the disruptive act of shaving. And you know something? Nobody ever teaches us how to shave. Okay.

Nobody ever tells you about putting something on your face before you lather it up. You just drag that razor across and nobody ever talks about any sort of aftershave. So good for Dr. Cavie. Anyway, stop getting ripped off by the big shave companies. Join Dollar Shave Club.com slash Burr. That's Dollar Shave Club.com slash Burr. All right. Another one here.

Legal zoom everybody. America was built by innovators and dreamers. People like Thomas Edison and Henry Ford laid the foundation for our country after they removed. Well, after the native Americans were removed who were kind of living off the land and I got to make it look pretty good. Anyways, these days, it's the inventors and entrepreneurs, entrepreneurs all around us like you that keep our country running by fueling the job market and the economy. This month, legal zoom celebrates innovation by helping you launch your dream. Apply for a patent to secure your invention. Basically, everybody, they're going to help you.

They can't help you with your invention. But what they can do is give you a foot to stand on when some fat cat comes in and tries to steal it from you. Okay. Register your trademark to protect your products and services. Incorporate or form an LLC and launch your business the right way. Visit legal zoom.com and use the discount code Burr. They'll provide the personal attention you need and help take care of all the details. They've helped over a million businesses get started, right?

And they received an A plus from the Better Business Bureau. Celebrate innovation and legal zoom today and get a special price on trademark copyright or provincial patent applications by using the discount code Burr. BURR to check out legal zoom provides legal help through independent attorneys and self help, but they are not a law firm legal zoom.com discount code Burr. BURR. All right. Back to the podcast. All right. So what am I going to talk about now?

Oh, so today. So I came back. Oh, by the way, you know, it was awesome after I after I did the taping at the beautiful Tabernacle Theater Tabernacle Theater in Atlanta. Jason Lawhead. He was looking for a place we could go out and smoke some cigars. And it turned out right in part of the same building part of the Tabernacle is a new cigar place called Winston cigars. And I went in there and I had a great cigar. They kept the place open late for us.

I want to thank everybody over there for for letting us hang around and all that. We had a great time and definitely going to stop there again next time I come back. And if you live in Atlanta and you like cigars, you want a cool place to hang out to put on any kind of music you want. They put the game on for you. It was absolutely perfect. Got to hang out with a couple in there from Worcester. So it was it was a great time. It's definitely a great time.

So anyways. So now we're going to go back to the podcast. So now that I'm back here in town, you know, I stayed up to like five in the morning, did not drink though, did not drink. I am I am I'm saving myself for those of you listening to my podcast every week. You know that ever since I came back from France, I have not drank. I am up to I don't know how many fucking days by the time you listen to this, I'll be on my 67th day. And I'm going to Vegas and I'm going I decided I'm going off the wagon in Vegas. I got two shows Friday and Saturday night and at the Mirage Casino.

And it just so happens that the tour that the Monday morning podcast has been sponsoring the tour that has been crushing it in the clubs all around the country. The tour that includes Paul, dude, I called it Versey, Joe Bartnick, Rose Bowl, Tailgate Legend and Rose Bowl, Tailgate Legend and Grill Cook extraordinaire Jason Lawhead will be at Harris at the Improv this Sunday. I'm at the Mirage Friday, Saturday and my buddies are there Sunday. So what am I going to do? Not hang out? Of course, I'm going to hang out. I'm going to go and I'm going to check out their show over at Harris. And you know what? So should you. It'll be a great time. Fun for all, fun for all. And who knows, maybe even a couple of special guests.

When we're in Vegas, you never know who drops in. So, so anyways, I haven't been drinking. So today I was like, all right, you know, I've been on the road and shit, getting ready for this taping. I'm going to take my wife out. She wanted to go to the beach, right? So I got my little motorcycle ride in in the morning. I didn't die and came back and I took her out to the beach and I went over to. Oh, I did my workout over there. Right over there on Muscle Beach. I stood there in a little banana hammock showing off my fucking pasty body. Now they got, they got pull up bars and they got rings and they got the rope over there. I hate the fucking new rope now. They used to have like a real rope.

Now this one's made like, I don't know if they put some protective thing on. It felt like it was almost made out of plastic. I guess for the weather or something like that. So I wouldn't disintegrate like the last one did, but I did all right. I did all right on it, man. I was able to go almost all the way up to the top without using my legs there and I got to tell you for 46 that ain't bad. That ain't fucking bad. So after that, we drive up to Malibu and I'm thinking Malibu, this is fucking, you know, all these rich people are and everything.

This is going to be nice. We go to the beach and I tell you, I can't even begin to describe the fucking animals. The absolute fucking animals that were at the beach. I mean, it is fucking horrific. You know what's fucking hilarious is seeing people from my generation and the generation before, like the tattoos that were in, you know, like that. I saw this guy in the beach, right? And now that everybody's older and out of shape and has kids and shit. This guy, you know those fucking stars that everybody had, everybody got him in the early 2000. They were like red and then they had like some sort of darker shading in him.

I mean, I have a friend that has two of them. I think one on each elbow. So there's some fucking guy roughly the same age as my buddy. He's got one just to the inside of both shoulders, which was sort of a weird place for him. But if he had more tattoos, it looked fine, but he had no other tattoos in that area. It was just weird. It's like, what do you, are you like a general in your own life? Why, why do you have those fucking stars there?

Right? So he's sitting there. You could tell he used to be in shape, you know, used to have the pecs, but now they're kind of looking down, staring at the floor, big, stupid pot belly. And he's sitting there as his kids are running around and he's eating, he's digging into this bag of chips and they're not chips. You know, those things that look like the onion rings, but the not onion rings. It's like if you had a potato chip, but it was a fucking shape like an onion ring that he's just sitting there eating those things. So this other dude come by and I know dude, I am obsessed with trying to stay in shape and not become what I see. Okay.

At the fucking beach. This guy comes by a Latino guy, right? Fucking big giant belly and tattooed on his stomach. You know, like Tupac had thug life. This guy for some reason had Pasadena. Oh, it was awful. It was fucking awful. There were two hotties on the beach other than my wife.

There was like the fucking model couple, guy and woman in front of us who looked like they were shooting a fucking guest ad. And then all the way down the way, there was some chicken, a fucking pink bikini who was working out on the beach. Total like exhibitionists. It was great. It was great. I kept saying a near going, look what she's doing now. Look what she's doing now. She's doing, she's doing leg lifts with weights on her ankles and she kept looking over going, oh God.

No, I love when women get mad at other women who are fucking prancing around showing their clam. It's fucking hilarious. You know, I'm trying to think of the guy version of that. What would a guy be doing? I guess I'm trying to think of something that a guy would be doing in that version that would that same scenario that would make me laugh my ass off. Do you think guys would do that would ever bug me is is. I guess walk up and just start, you know, hitting on your girlfriend or your wife or whatever right in front of you. I guess that would be the only thing other than that.

They're walking around peacock and I don't give a fuck. It's hilarious. You know, and plus you're young. Go ahead. Exactly. Go fuck her in the surf while you still can. So anyways, we're sitting there. Oh, and the families do what kind of people go to the beach as you can tell.

I'm not a beach person. So I never went just fucking animals. These fucking people brought a table down. They got a large cheese pizza. They're just sitting on the beach getting fatter. You know, it's like you're going to take your shirt off in a second. You're going to slam. You're going to fucking down four slices of pepperoni mushroom.

Jesus Christ. You know, and I would love to, I don't know, I would love to act like, you know, people try to act like it. It's only in America where everybody's all fat. We are. We are pretty goddamn fat because our food is such fucking poison. But it's still a shit show everywhere else. I don't know. In its own way.

Oh, speaking of that, do you know what's, I was on, I was in Utah last week and I took this picture and I put it up on Twitter. And I was in the gym, right? The hotel gym and they had a couple of ellipticals and then they had a big window where you looked outside and right across the street was this fast food place. So I took a picture of it and just hashtag like, come on, man, you know, like I'm trying to lose weight here and you tempt me with this shit. So the fast food place saw it and then tried to write a joke about it. Like trying to draw me into the horseshit the fucking poison that they're serving. Hey, we said, why don't you come over here afterwards and do some fucking hamburger curls. Get it.

That's what they hashtag you get it, you know, acting like they're the cool fucking dealer of poison, right? And I just wrote it back. I was like, no, I don't get it. Why would I work out and then go over to your restaurant and eat that poison kind of defeats the purpose of working out. No, and they never wrote back. Stop acting like you're cool. You know, it would be cool if they just came out and said, listen, what we're serving you is absolutely fucking horrific. There's barely an ounce of nutrition in this shit.

But God damn it, it is fucking delicious. So don't have it all the time. Just every once in a while. If they just came out and said that, you know, I don't fucking know. I mean, what I'm talking about here, I'm just trying, you know, I'm just trying to get through another podcast. That's all I'm trying to do. You know, I really thought I was going to have a big feeling of relief when I finished my special. I could get on with my life here and kind of feel a little melancholy.

I'm really going to miss those jokes. I really am. And I fucking I that was my favorite hour and a half of shit I've ever written. And I don't know, I might have to pull out those couple of those every once in a while. Somebody requests one or something. I might have to do that. I got this helicopter joke, man, wait, wait, it's one of my favorite jokes I've ever gotten. It's just so much fun to fucking do it.

You know, it's that Steve Jobs bit that I did. I did that one on Night of Too Many Stars. That was a that was a sad one to let go. I just loved when I was walking around acting like he was eating a pear. That was so much fucking fun. Just acting like an arrogant ass, trashing somebody that's accomplished way more than I'll ever accomplish. You know, those are the funnest moments. And in stand up is when you get to do shit like that and just act like a fucking idiot and people actually laugh and that's God damn it.

Making fun of Oprah's fun. How is it? How is it not fun to make fun of somebody as successful as her who has like 50 fucking houses in her own TV network? It's just fun. Do you guys know I had one time I had a meeting, right? And I was meeting with the casting director of what is it? Dreamworks, right? And I know this sounds like a big deal, but this shit happens all the time.

All the time when you're out here from the day you get out here, you get a meeting with like fucking back in the day like Castle Rock was doing all the sitcoms. You're like, oh my God, I got a meeting with Castle Rock. They have like nine sitcoms on and they just meet with you and you think you're going to get on a sitcom and you're lucky if you get an audition within the year. They're just always meeting new people, right? So this is all it's just a meeting, right? So I go over there and I'm sitting in the waiting room waiting to meet with this big time casting director, right? And all of a sudden I hear this woman sing and goes, I hear this woman sing going, Spielberg, like that. And I'm thinking like, holy shit, am I going to see Steven Spielberg?

He's at the top of this fucking chain, but you never see the top guy. So I'm like rubber neck and all this shit. And I look and he's not there, but the person who sang that it was Oprah Winfrey. And she walked by and I'm sitting on the couch going, oh my God, I have made fun of you on like 50 fucking podcasts. And she walked by with her entourage. And for half a second we both, I was looking at her. She actually looked over at me and she just kept going for half a second. I was so arrogant.

I thought she was going to stop and be like, you're that punk ass who did that fucking bit about me, you know, it was going to start yelling at me. And she didn't. She just looked at me like I was a lamp and she just kept walking. And I was like, oh yeah, that's right. She has other things to do. Evidently she was just saying goodbye to Steven Spielberg. How funny is it that she doesn't just do that on her show that she actually really sings stuff that she's saying in real life. Did you ever see that hilarious impression that Maya Rudolph used to do of Oprah?

She used to do that thing where she would sing to like the crowd. Okay. And everybody gets a new car would do like that thing that she actually does that in real life. You know, isn't that nice? There's a little Hollywood story for you people. I dropped two names in there without she even noticing. All right. I don't know what to talk about because hockey's over.

Basketball's over. I'm trying to get into baseball. Oh, I will tell you this. I'm actually thinking about getting the baseball package and as a Red Sox fan, you know what I really miss doing? Watching Yankee games. Believe it or not, I absolutely love watching the Yankee telecast. More so than I like watching the Red Sox one. I don't even know why.

I think because I lived in New York for so long and I would just watch this. But this is when I lived during the height of the curse of curse of the babe when I was there. So I fucking hated the Yankee. So I went to Yankee Stadium a zillion times. I watched all of their fucking games. Just sitting there rooting against them. I must have saw Clemens pitch like 50 fucking times. I saw all of them.

I saw the 98 Yankees, which is legendary now. I mean, I don't think there's been a team like that since. But I got to be honest. I don't know. There's something about it. Like I did it for so fucking long. I think I've actually watched wire to wire more Yankee regular season games than I have Red Sox games. Because I mean, I was in New York for like, I don't know, like 12 years.

And, you know, when I was a kid growing up, I mean, the first 10 years of your life, I mean, you just run around throwing sticks and mud and shit. You're not really paying attention. And then from 10 to 20, I don't know. I would watch him, but you know, you're getting drunk for the first time. You're trying to get up some girls shirt. You're busy. So then I just basically had from like 20 to 27 and then I moved. But I stayed in New York for like, you know, fucking 12 years.

So I, but I got to tell you, I love watching them now because they're they're announcing team is it's the shit. All right, it's Michael K. He's staring the ship. And then I love when there's nothing better when you have former players that are actually really good broadcasters and they have Paul O'Neill. The former Yankee great. And they have Al Leiter. So you have one of the great hitters of the last 20 years and champions. And then you have Al Leiter, a pitcher.

So you got a pitcher and a here and just the combination of the two of them. And it's just, Al Leiter is hilarious. Fucking hilarious. And I, and this is the thing. I always loved Paul O'Neill. And everybody in my family actually fucking loved the guy because he was so hilarious to us because we all have tempers. And the funniest thing about Paul O'Neill was the amount of times I saw that guy come up to bat, hit a fly ball to right field. The second he hits it, you'd see him put his head down and go fuck and throw the bat down and it would be a home run into like the third row.

Like he, he, he was such a perfectionist. Like the fact that he didn't get all of it, he was mad. I guess what, that you didn't drive it 30 rows in. And then in every fucking time, whether he got a hit or whether he didn't get a hit when he ran out to the field and he would go out to right field. He would immediately, well, I guess he'd throw the ball around. But once that was over, he would be out there in between like batters, in between pitchers and shit. He'd be out there practicing his swing. I don't know.

There's just certain guys, even though they play on the team that you hate, you can't fucking hate the guy. The guy was great. So I was watching one of their telecasts recently and they actually, they cut to some footage of Al Leiter facing Paul O'Neill and it was hilarious. And of course Paul O'Neill gets a hit and then the last two that they showed Al Leiter struck him out and he's like, oh, I struck you out. I didn't even know that. And then he looked over at Michael and he goes, and Paul didn't get that mad. It was fucking great. So I'm actually thinking about getting the baseball package because I actually have a package where I get the Nessan Network and I get the Yes Network,

thinking that I get the fucking games and I don't. They block the whole thing out because they force you to buy, you know, so I get the Milwaukee Brewer home games. They're such cunts. They're such fucking cunts. Why can't they just, you know, you know, I guess it's my fault for moving away. Do you understand what I'm really bitching about here? That basically for a hundred something bucks that now boohoo, now I have to watch all the baseball games. You want to strike all of that?

God bless whoever came up with that package. Where am I going here? All right, World Cup soccer. Have you guys been watching? I hate to say this, man. I haven't watched one second of it and I actually, for as much as I make fun of football, the real football, I, you know, I totally respect it. I think it's a beautiful game.

I just wish I had, and I'm driving by the bars and I'm seeing all the flags out and hearing people screaming and yelling. I wish I had the time to watch it. I know that there's some games tomorrow. I think Brazil plays somebody. I'm actually going to try at least maybe to tape a game. I got to get into this shit once every four years. The whole fucking world's going nuts. But hey, you know what?

I said that the United States is going to win it. I said the fix is fucking in and we are one oh and one. I haven't watched a second of it. I know that we tied Portugal today, which to me seems pathetic. All right. Portugal's barely in Europe. It's like Spain felt bad for them. They're like, all right, here's a little landing strip.

You guys can fucking live over here. Okay. You can have your little football team once every four years. We'll let you run around and sing your songs and wear your scarves. But other than that, you pipe the fuck down. All right. Now, for all you Portuguese people, we're going to get mad at me. Write all the mean shit you want and then also tell me where I can do a show in your country and I'll fucking do it.

All right. You guys can go there and you can fucking heckle me by singing your soccer songs or your football songs right in the middle of it. And I'll give you shit. And in the end, you know, we'll trade jerseys. You'll give me your soccer jersey and I'll take off one of my button downs. What the fuck was with that guy who scored the goal today and he started sucking his thumb. Can anybody explain that to me? I don't understand soccer.

Every time you start to love it, somebody does some shit like that and then you just, you just got to walk away. So anyways, we are 101. So we're going to play Germany next. And basically if we tie, if us in Germany tie, we move, we automatically advance. We're 101. Germany is 101. And then Portugal and Ghana, I think is in our, in our, whatever, division, whatever the fuck you call it, quadrant. They both have yet to win a fucking game.

So I don't know. I want us to win the World Cup so bad just because I love what I was talking about last week, just how much the world would fucking hate us. But I gotta tell you, man, I think we're going to win one. Eventually we are going to win one. And I don't mean that like, well, shit, you know, they're going to play it every four years forever. Eventually everybody's going to win one. I mean, I think we're on our way to winning one as in, I think we'll win one by 2030. All right, which is saying something considering how far behind we were.

And in 2030, if you want to know, I will be 62 years old. That's how fast it goes. You know, Jesus. And I'll be working on another fucking special. Hopefully maybe it'll be my year off. All right, let's plow ahead here. Anything else here? Did the all in tour?

Oh, YouTube fucking video of the week. I was watching this, the dead weather concert. I don't know how it's private. I started watching this thing. I was trying to, I don't know what the fuck I was doing. I was doing something. All of a sudden I just started watching Jack White videos and I got to this. I can't believe I didn't see the dead weather live.

Because I got to tell you the lead singer of that or at least what I've been watching that woman. I hope I say her name right. Allison Mosshart is a fucking rock star. I'm going to go see that band. What is it? The kill that she's in very rarely. Very rarely do you see a legitimate fucking rock star and she's definitely one without a doubt. So that's one of the YouTube videos of the week.

Just fucking watch it. And what's cool also is Jack White's setup, his drum setup, how he has everything all level, kind of like the way Buddy Rich did. But his, oh no, actually Buddy Rich's cymbals will level. That's right. This is some drum geek shit. You can fast forward through this. But he has like, it looks like he has a rack tom and then two different snare drums, all at the exact same level, all at the same level that you would have your snare drum. And then on the, to his right side, he's got three floor toms, the way Tony Williams used to have them, right?

You guys all know that, right? When he had that yellow, yellow kit. Do you know why I saw him at the regatta bar? I saw Tony Williams. And I knew he was awesome, but I, of course, didn't understand everything he was doing. And in between the break, I walked right up and stood next to his drums, that classic yellow kit. I saw him. I saw Louis Belson shook his hand.

And I saw Roy Haynes. I saw all these great jazz drummers. And of course, Tony Williams like died a couple of years later, unfortunately, from a heart attack. But anyways, what the fuck? Why am I talking to you guys about old jazz drummers? Jesus Christ. Let's, let's get to some questions here. Oh, by the way, too, if you want to, if you want to send in some questions or whatever, or if you want to follow us on Twitter, it's at the MM podcast on Twitter.

All right. And all the videos that I recommend and all the shit that I talk about. I'll definitely have the links up there. It's way more organized than it ever used to be. All right. There you go. Bill, a bunch of emails from people who are at the taping couple emails. Calling out douchebags at the first show for being loud.

You know, I didn't mind that, you know, the first show they told everybody to stay in their seats. And we realized that that was wrong because I was doing well over an hour and people were drinking. They had to, they had to go to the bathroom. It wasn't fair. So, so in the second show, I was, I just said to the people who were shooting the thing like, look, people walk around all the fucking time. I still have a good set. I don't give a shit. Just let them do what they want to do.

I don't, you know, let's just make it more like a show. And that's what we did in the second show when even better. So anyways, all right, Bill, in response to male whore versus a female whore. All right. Dear Billy Buffalo. I am a proud woman who loves other women. Nice. Nice.

I found your handling of the whore gay son versus a whore for a daughter question to be spot on. I also agree with the gay man who wrote in last week. If I was sitting around a table and this question was posed, it was funny. I don't even remember what I said. I'd feel it was addressing current issues that are generally ignored discussions that are usually avoided in fear of discrimination, but in actuality, depriving important dialogue. Yeah, absolutely. You should be allowed to be ignorant.

As long as you're not like acting on it and like trying to hurt somebody should be allowed to say the things that you feel. And if they end up being, you know, ignorant, not being dumb, just ignorant, like you just want exposed to some other information. You got to have people get them out. And then that's how you move on to the next level. Like, no, actually, it's like this. Oh, I didn't know that. And then, you know, hopefully you change for the better. So anyways, discussions that are usually, blah, blah, blah, blah.

She says, I never knew my father, but I would hope he would answer that question honestly. Frankly, I don't like labeling either as whores, but it's the easiest way to sum it up. I agree with you wholeheartedly. Call somebody a whore. That's really bad. A ho is kind of funny whore to actually say it whore is really bad. She continues to say, I'd be remiss not to mention that Nia spoke emotionally as a straight woman, but did not consider why the question is important to gay children. Oftentimes, gay teens experiment prematurely after having repressed feelings for their early, for their early adolescence or from their early adolescence.

The truth is though, emotional changes and repercussions of early sexual encounters affect the female much more severely. This is not to say that boys can't suffer the effects, but as you and Nia have both pointed out in the past, women are more sensitive to certain things that men are not. I was with you all the way until where you say that the sexual encounters affect the female much more severely. I don't think that that's something you could ever prove or disprove. Like that's something that I always go round and round with my wife with when somebody says, you know, it's easier for guys to lose weight. You know, it's like, well, you would have to be a guy, okay, and then be a woman and then live the exact same life and eat the exact same food to really sit there and try and guess if whatever is easier and whatever. I mean, I think it all kind of balances itself out as far as easy and difficult. It's like, you know, I don't know that just that whole fucking reoccurring thing that this is a bad experience, but it's worse for women.

Or this is this experience, it's easier for guys. It's just always like, there has to be something out there where it's even or there has to be something out there where it's worse or aren't they both. It's just kind of a big shit sandwich out there. And the big game is, you know, trying to block that out, isn't it? I would actually say that the guy's pain is that we are not allowed to talk about our pain at all where you guys can have painful shit happen to you. And it's okay for you literally to break down sobbing and weeping, which is so healthy for you to get it out to get it out of you. I mean, it doesn't get it all out of you, but it gets that the build up the like, you know, you have a cook oatmeal and you walk away and you leave it too high and it fucking boils over. Yeah, that shit, you can get that off.

I think through crying. Like the funny thing about crying is it is a natural emotion for both men and women, but we're told that we can't do it. And it's a fucking horrible thing. It's a horrible thing. So now I'm not saying that that makes you guys have it easier, but I'm just saying that that is that is something that I don't think that is taken into consideration. And I just feel like, you know, every time I see that, you know, I, that's a recurrent thing, but I agree with everything else that you're saying. I guess you're probably thinking my dick now, but I'm just just saying that, you know, like, I don't know if you're a guy and you know, you got to cry, but you don't want to embarrass yourself.

Just go take a shower. Nobody's going to notice. No one's going to hear you. And if somebody were to rip back the fucking thing, the shower curtain, like in psycho, you could just act like you got shampoo in your eye. Just don't start talking or else they'll realize it. But you know, just have your head under the water and just sort of look at him like, well, I'm showering. Get away from me. You're weirdo. Yeah, you can cry out a lot of childhood pain as a guy in the, in the shower without anybody knowing.

All right, dear Billy, ginger nuts. Jesus Christ. Can you fucking, you know, can you come at me from a different goddamn angle? Everything's red hair, red pubes, fucking pasty. I got it. You think I haven't heard this my whole fucking life. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, I got to hand it to you guys, you know, you found 700 different fucking ways to attack me.

I'm referring to the question raised. Whether it would be better to have a daughter who Jesus Christ, this fucking question really has been living on, whether it would be better to have a daughter who were a whore or a gay son who was also a whore. The best analogy I've ever heard with respect to the whole. Why is it deemed bad for a female to be a whore but not a male is this. If you own a key that opens, opens lots of locks, then that, that is pretty cool. But if you have a lock that is opened by a lot of keys, then that is a shitty lock. You know, it would have helped if I read it better. If you own a key that opens lots of locks, that's pretty cool.

But if you have a lock that is opened by a lot of keys, then that is a shitty lock. Actually, I don't like that one. I like my analogy because I'm a self centered cunt. I just think it doesn't take any fucking skill. The level, the skill level for a woman to get laid is just like, what do you have to do? Lay on your back, spread your legs. Who wants it? I'm not saying you're going to get somebody desirable.

You know, but the fucking work we, there's something to try this one time. I told you, I did this with my wife where you just turn the tables one night, have her hit on you. Have her come up with an opening line. You watch, you watch how much they bomb. You watch the flop sweat. They got nothing. You think you have nothing? When it comes to that shit, most of them are like, their game is where your game was when you were like 12, 13.

The first few times you were trying to talk to some girl in your grade. You got nothing because you never tried it before. That's where they're at at like 35. Anyways, free Billy. There you go. Little play on the movie title. Billy four times, congrats on the completion of your fourth special. I can't wait to watch it with my friends.

We will all crowd around the TV like one of the Roosevelt's fireside chats. Look at this person, a free Willy reference. And then it's hit me with a little bit of a depression error shit. My question to you is how will you celebrate beers, burgers? What do the coming weeks have in store for you? Please don't say working on your next hour because no one likes a goody two shoes. Yeah, you know why? Cause you're still fucking up in your life.

You know, it's funny as I open this podcast talking about this. I am going to drink, but I also, I don't want to put on the weight that I took off for this special. You know, I'm looking good for me. All right. And I actually have started this new workout. I found this dude on, on YouTube. I fuck, I think I told you guys about him last week. This guy, uh, Frank Madrano, Frank Madrano fitness.

This guy, he's a vegan and all he does is, uh, his own body weight. And he's absolutely fucking shredded, shredded. So, um, I'm going to try to, you know, I've been eating a lot more vegetarian, but I still, you know, I'm one of those guys. I mean, there's no fucking way. You know, I'm still going to have a couple of stakes a month, but I'd like to try to eliminate a lot of that other. I don't know a lot of that. You know what I, this is what I liked about eating vegetarian for two. I would try to go two days a week and it was hard man.

At first you don't know what to eat. You don't know where to go. You don't know how to make anything. It sucks. But, uh, the cool thing about eating vegetarian, I would go back to back days just eating all veggie. What was great was it affected my eating the other five days because it really, it like resets your cravings. And I'm telling you, man, like when I get into that fucking sugar, salt thing, like back in the day, man, I would go on like, I don't know. I would go on like a two and a half month bender of just eating poorly.

I would still, you know, take my dog on hikes and stuff. So I never really let it get too bad, but in that two and a half months I put on like fucking 10 pounds, 15 pounds or something like that. Then I'm just, uh, fuck, I gotta try to get this shit off. And, um, that great thing about, or even just one meal a day, if you just do it all veggie, it fucking balances you out and you stop riding that roller coaster. Sugar, salt, sugar, salt, sugar, salt. And I fucking hate going to the gym. I don't like working out. I mean, I like it, but I don't, I don't like having to do it because I'm a tub of shit.

And, um, I can't recommend it enough. If you, if you just start eating that way, dude, if you go veggie two days a week and you go for a walk, ride a bike or do something like that, the fat's got no way to hide. It's got no way to go. It has to fucking leave. You know, and then if you just sort of decent the rest of the week, you know, and I tell you, you know, I still, I'll fucking, I'll crush it. I'll crush a pizza. I'll order a fucking, I'll order a pizza in a fucking slam that I will make cupcakes like the twinkle toes that I am. I'll eat a bunch of those in that type of ship.

But then I do the two veggie days in a row and all of that, it settles down again. Like the, it's almost like a fire. It doesn't get out of control. So that has been working for me. And I've been doing the pull-ups, climbing the rope and the dips and the push-ups. I just like that type of, at this point in my life, I just like doing that better than throwing the weights around. But I'll always still like doing that because that came of age in the 80s. And that was always fun, you know, benching.

So what am I going to do? I'm going to fucking party with the all-in guys. Smoke some cigars, but I am, I'm not a goody two shoes. What I am is I'm somebody who fucking, I already lived a life, dude. I did all of that. Okay. And I'm too fucking old to keep putting on 15, 20 pounds and try and take them off. I don't want to look like the fucking horror show that I saw at the beach today.

I don't want to be those people. All right. I don't want to be sitting here with my fucking shirt off, with my tits staring at my fucking toes, you know, eating a bag of crisps. I don't want to fucking be that guy. All right. You can do that in your 20s. Have at it. You can wake up the next day and still fucking be in shape, but I can't do it at my age.

So there you go. I don't know. I wrote a motorcycle today. That's about the dumbest fucking thing you could ever do. So is that enough for you? Okay, Bill, will a military hurt my comedy career? Hi, Bill. I'm an 18-year-old stand-up comedian in Atlanta, Georgia.

I started when I was 17 and so far I enjoy it while it can be shitty at times. However, I've always wanted to join the military when I was young and still do to this day. I've been considering joining the Army and trying to become a Green Beret for a long time now after I finished college. This isn't a decision I made because I played a couple games of Call of Duty and thought it was cool. I've just always wanted to do something exciting and adventurous. I realize it is very hard to become one. Oh, yeah. I watched that thing on Netflix and that wasn't to be a Green Beret.

That was to be like an Army Ranger or something like that. I forget what it was. It was like 11 days of hell. It was fucking brutal. Anyways, I realize it's very hard to become one and there's a chance I might not make it, but I am pretty much training every day and still have another four years. However, if I were to pursue this goal, it would also mean I will not be able to do stand-up until I am about 28 or 30. I would like to continue with stand-up comedy once I get back,

but I am worried that I might be a little too old to start by then. Any suggestions? Jesus Christ. Well, first of all, being a comedian is also an exciting life and an adventurous life. And I guess it all depends on what type of adventure that you want to have. I mean, becoming a Green Beret is pretty fucking badass. And that is a very, very, very small, I guess, club to be a member of. So I would never say don't do that.

I mean, that's fucking good. I mean, they're unbelievable. They're fucking unreal. I mean, those stupid action movies, these actors flipping over cars and everything. I mean, they're like the true like action, like those Navy SEALs, the Green Berets, the Army Rangers. I mean, those guys are fucking unbelievable. So I mean, that's a, I got to be honest with you. I don't, you know, I don't see any regret on either one of those because I would just whatever, whatever one you want to do more.

I would look, the great thing is you got four years to get through college before you have to make this decision. So I would continue doing stand-up. I continue doing your workout. And, you know, in four years, just figure out, you know, you got four years to figure out which one you want to do. But I can't give you advice like that as far as your 28 or 30. Yeah, I mean, that's later than most of you, but you're already doing it now and you can also do it all the way through college. And there's nothing stopping you from doing it while you're in the military on your, your, your weekends off or some shit like that. All right, let's just say if you actually got into the military and you didn't get out until you were 28 or 30, I would say if that's the situation you were in,

what I would do is I would just look at comedians that started late and made it. And that's who I would focus on. I've always done that. I didn't always do that. I learned to do that. So I stayed positive. You know what I mean? And it really is like the business that I'm in, the worst thing that you can do is give, you know, the other people the power mentally to just be like, well, I'm too old.

They don't want me. You start thinking that way. Then they don't. You're fucking, you go out there, you do your shit. And it's, it's really, it, yeah, you're like, even the way you're looking at this and the way I just realized this now, like it's not what the fuck. Can you not walk on a stage and take a mic out of a mic stand at 28 or 30, you're going to be a goddamn green beret. Jesus Christ, you're probably repelling from a fucking helicopter and come through the ceiling. Course you can.

You can fucking do it because what it really is, is what you're doing then is you're becoming an artist. And then all that is, is that's just your own personal journey and you're just trying to keep becoming a better artist and all that other fucking crap comes. You know, and if you just keep working on yourself and trying to get better and better and better and better, eventually you become undeniable and they got to let you in. That's basically what it is. Or you just go out and you make your own shit and who gives a fuck. Then they'll come over to you. Hey, what are you making over there? I'm making this stuff.

Okay. We'd like to be involved. All right. What's the deal? Well, we're going to own it. Hey, go fuck yourself. Oh, okay. It's been my experience.

Yeah, dude. So you got four years. So I would, I would continue working out and keep doing the stand up and four years, four years is a long time when you're only 18 years old. So see what you think in the end, but those are two very noble, you know, goals to try to achieve. I'm not going to lie to you. I watched that 11 days of hell and just, I mean, I was just wondering if, if, you know, just to see if I can make it through it. If got to be mentally tough enough, forget about physically the mental wear down of those fucking guys yelling at you and the impossible situations that they put you in. It's an individual and then in the group dynamic, it's just, it's unbelievable.

11 straight fucking days of that. I would love to do that, but I don't, I don't know. I'm enough of a fucking psycho. I wouldn't need to, to, to be in the military if you know what I mean, you know, especially when we're at war. The last fucking thing I need to do is break one of the only commandments I haven't broken yet. I don't know that I would come back. I don't know that I'm mentally strong enough that if I went to that fucking place that I could somehow come back. I don't know.

I'm out of my fucking mind. So I have a tremendous amount of respect for anybody who successfully becomes a soldier and can handle the demands that I put on you. All right. Okay. Here we go. Catholic girlfriend. Hey, Aaron Burr. Sorry if that history reference was a little too high brow.

Oh, you, what do you mean high brow? Like you'd be like, I don't know who that is. High brow. You know what? I'm not even going to take that person because you can be making fun of the listeners or making fun of yourself. I have no fucking idea. I love Aaron Burr and he was right. Okay.

And Hamilton's a cunt. He knew what he was getting himself involved in and he fucking lost fucking cry baby. Now he's on the $10 bill and where's Aaron Burr? Everybody hates him because he won. You know, he's like the original Kobe. Um, sorry if that history reference was a little too high brow, but Aaron Burr was essentially the biggest cunt in the early United States. History, small world, right? I would love to hear you justify that he was.

He was one of the biggest cunts. How about the people out there who are committing genocide on the Native Americans? What did he do? He was a dick at dinner parties, agreed to have a duel and had the fucking balls to walk out there. And he wins because Hamilton was cheating. He fucking quick, whatever they did, the quick cocked his fucking gun. So when he brought it up, it was already, he did some, he tried to do some little shady fucking move before he brought it up straight. It fired.

So fuck him. I'm fucking real. I'm fucking real. Do you realize if Aaron Burr fucking lost, he would be on the $10 bill and then you would have said that Hamilton's the biggest cunt. Who the fuck would you be? You'd be talking to that guy in the Rangers. Um, anyways, I've been seeing this girl for around six months now and I'm seriously nuts about her. I love spending time with her and can see this relationship even leading to a ring in a few years.

Oh, congratulations. But the big problem for me is we're not having sex. She's very religious, which does not. Oh, she's very religious, which does not bother me because she doesn't care that I'm not. Ostensibly. I don't even know what the fuck that means. Um, you know what? Why don't I look that word up?

You guys, we want me to take a guess here. Even though I'm not ostensibly. I, you know, I can't even guess what the fuck that means. What does that mean? You go twice a year? Can I even spell it? Oh, there it is. It figured it out.

Thank you, computer. Apparently, or purportedly, but perhaps not actually. You know what? This is just what? Why do you try to become smart when that's the fucking answer? You know what? That's a great line to give a cop. You've been drinking tonight?

Apparently, or purportedly, but perhaps not actually. Fucking flashlight to the head. Um, to all outward appearances. Okay. So I guess that's a fancy way of saying apparently. Is this guy a hipster and he's sick of all the hipsters saying apparently? Apparently. Um, where am I?

Because she does not. Wait, let me read this now. Now that I just learned what ostensibly means, which, okay. But the big problem for me is we're not having sex. She's very religious, which doesn't bother me because she doesn't, doesn't care that I'm not ostensibly. I have to go back and look it up again. I don't understand what this means.

To all outward appearances, you're not religious. Is this like some fancy way of saying that you're mysterious? Anyways, it's her choice and it didn't bother me for a while, but I guess my fucking hormones are starting to get the better of me. We're both in college right now and come from different backgrounds. She does community service and I'm a frat shithead. I'd break it off if I didn't feel as strongly about her as I do, but I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with my most intimate partner

being porn hub and a bottle of lotion. Tell her how I feel or just quit being a selfish bastard. Are my concerns normal or am I being a cunt? First of all, you're not a frat shithead if you actually have empathy. As far as the stereotype goes, you're actually a very mature person. You seem like you know what you have and you don't want to lose it. How do you say I respect your religious views, but how does the bearded baby feel about it, the occasional handjob over there?

Does she know that you're watching? I tell you, it's not a good thing to only be watching porn and not having sex with somebody. I don't know. Are you starting to become more of a serial killer? I have no idea. Hey, Nia! You know what? I got to bring Nia in for this one. I got to bring her in for this one. Hang on one second. Let me hit pause here. How do I hit pause?

All right, the lovely Nia, everybody. Hello. All right, here we go. Here is the question. So this kid, he's basically, I'm going to paraphrase here so the listeners don't have to listen to it again. He's got a Catholic girlfriend. She's very religious. Just pull the microphone back. You're breathing into it there. Sorry.

Sorry, I think I had it turned up too much. Anyways, you know, this Catholic girl, very religious, does not want to have sex before marriage. Okay. And he's saying, you know, they've been together for a while. He loves her, spent a time with her. He can see actually giving her a ring in a couple of years, but the big problem is they're not having sex. She's very religious. He's not religious, but she doesn't care.

He said it's her choice and, you know, to not have sex and it didn't bother me for a while. But I guess my fucking hormones are starting to get the better of me. We're both in college right now and I come from different backgrounds. She does community service and I'm a frat boy shithead or a frat shithead. He said, I break it off. If I didn't feel as strongly about her as I do, but I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with my most intimate partner being porn hub and a bottle of lotion. Should I tell her how I feel or just quit being a selfish bastard? Are my concerns normal or am I being a cunt?

No, you're not being a cunt. I think he's actually being really great. That's what I thought. Yeah. I mean, you should definitely tell your girlfriend, but be prepared, but don't. How does he do it? Because what I would, what I would, if I was in that situation, I would try to say, you know, it's, you know, it's just a hand job. It's just a handy, just a handy man.

No, I think you should tell her how he's feeling, but it should be, are you going to keep interrupting me? Can you help me out on me? That sounds like something you would do actually. And she'd laugh. No, I mean, you tell her how you feel, but don't frame it in the context like I'm fucking dying over here. What are you doing to me? Oh my God. Don't make it like a guilt trip.

Just say, just so you know, I'm really having a hard time with this because I love you so much and I really want to have sex with you. But I know you don't want to. I don't want to pressure you. Should you say make love rather than sex? Well, however you want to frame it. Make love is gross. No, it's not. Is it?

It's gross. Make love. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. That's gross. It's just, it's very like old fashioned. It's like what you say when you're trying to like be nice about it or something, you know? Yeah. Fuck.

You don't want to say that. That's my favorite line in the movie. What? Tim Robbins and Bull Durham. We don't fuck a what? Oh yeah. Is that where that's from? Yeah.

Um, but yeah, just, just tell her. And the thing is she probably feels the same way. She might be frustrated too. Allure. Allure. Put her on a new. Uh, Nia's been listening. Give me that Becky.

Uh, she's been listening to this Southern rap. There's white and black people in the South. Uh-huh. They pronounce in certain words. They just pronounce the beginning with first couple of letters. Yeah. You drop off. Like if it, if a word.

Allure. It has like two like syllables. You gotta just do the first one. Allure. Sound on a new. Uh, but anyway, yeah, just, just, just be honest with her about it. But, but just, you know, make it clear that she knows. How much you love and respect her.

And that's, that's all you can do. But how does he do it without her feeling pressure? She might feel pressure. She probably already feels pressure from society or whatever. So, you know, she's already feeling the pressure, but. So should he sit there and be like, listen, I'm not trying to put any pressure on you. I'm just telling you where I'm at. Because if he keeps going to porn hub, what happens is with porn is you have to keep going

further and further and further down the fucking hallway. And when they finally have sex, she's going to be like, what, what do you want me to do? You know, she's going to be freaked out because that's the other thing. You watch too much porn and like porn becomes like your reality about what everyday relationship sex is. No, there's all kinds. And it's like, it's, I don't know. I mean, obviously it can't be for everybody, but it's like, be careful with that porn shit

because it's awesome, but it'll really like put you on another planet if you're not careful about it. And you just start thinking like people should be performing like porn stars and you should be performing like porn stars and you should be able to do all these crazy shit. These people are paid to have sex. That's their job. That's not your job. So just, just, I don't know.

Just be careful with that. I just feel like it's like, what the fuck is he supposed to do though? This is the thing. masturbating. Yeah, I know. Thank God wasn't around when I was fucking that age. Jesus Christ. How did you watch porn at that age?

You like sneak old VCR tapes from your older brother? No, no. Like how did you even? Dude, nobody had a porno in my house. No fucking way. We had one VCR in the family room. We're not even gonna sit there and fucking watch it. It was impossible.

I used to sneak and watch. Do you remember Emanuel? It was like the soft core like Cinemax show. It was like from Europe. It was from Europe. And it was all like soft lighting and it was all about this girl and Emanuel. Who would have these like sexy adventures? Like she's going on a train to Paris and then like she looks over and you know,

she and the guy like bang and the fucking, I don't know, caboose. Literally and figuratively. No, the first time I saw a porno, a buddy of mine had it. Buddy of mine got one. And we were all on our way out and like five of us just sat there and watched it. Yeah. And then just got up and went out. How old were you?

Like 17. I watched a porn out of sleepover, but we were like in eighth grade or something. Like she's still live from her dad and it was like a seventies porn. And so it was just gross. Like everyone's hairy. That was gross. And it was just the sky. Like it wasn't sexy.

The one that I saw, I swear to God. The one that I saw, I swear to God. I swear to God this happened. Okay. The dude who was, he was working at a restaurant. You know, and he was getting laid and he's fucking everybody and they had this fucking old ugly lady comes in and was giving him shit. Uh huh.

You know, make the chicken sandwich and I want extra mayo on it. Oh God. Oh no. No, this is even worse. Instead of just having the guy jerk off. On to the fucking sandwich. I swear to God. You know, rotisserie chicken.

Yeah. And he can just buy one that's already made. Yeah. He fucked it. Oh my God. This was in a porno? Yeah. What?

See, nowadays that that would have been considered bestiality. No, it was considered like they were trying to be fun. It was. And they were trying to be like funny because they played like this wacky music when he was doing it. Right. And I was like, you gotta understand, I had never seen a fucking porno and it went like the first time you saw, especially back then where it was like, uh, like the most

overtly like sexual thing, like when I was a kid was Brooke Shields with the one button on a shirt. Right. And I went from that to watching people actually fucking and then this dude stuck his dick in a chicken. That's disgusting. Remember when we went to go see that, um, what's that Quentin Tarantino, it was Grindhouse. It was like the two movies and then in between they had the fake trailers and one of them

was Thug Skirrig. Yeah. And then they show that quick little like two second thing at the end of it of a guy like fucking a turkey. Remember it and everyone in the movie that it went, oh, cause they just threw it in like super quick. I would not be surprised if they got that idea from that very porno that you watch. Yeah.

Because because I think Eli Roth directed that like trailer, that fake trailer or something. But yeah, that's disgusting. Yeah. Like back then, and I remember like the video, then after that the video store came out and then the video store, it had the back room with ours that had those so funny, they had these saloon doors you had to walk through and to get into the back room. And there wasn't, I remember being like a beaded curtain in some areas, like that was like the sexy area was where the beaded curtain was.

And I have to, it was so early on, I don't think that there was categories. They just had porno and it was all straight porn growing up in a suburb, right? It was just all straight porn. There was no, there was no like categories like, you know, whatever fucking doggy style ones or, or, or like, it's more like, I feel like it's like race or sexual identity, like Asian porn. Yeah. Asian porn.

Ebony porn. Bondage, blah, blah, blah. There wasn't. It was just, it was just people fucking on camera. That's all it was. That's it. It was a man and a woman fucking or a man and two women fucking or two guys fucking at a woman and that was the occasional, and then the chicken thing was a bit like it was

supposed to be this funny thing. And then I, and he was funny because it was the first one I ever saw. Like I, I was sitting like, what the fuck, right? But then I was also psyched cause I actually saw some, I actually saw a porno, a woman getting banged and shit. And it wasn't until years later, I think I was hanging out. I was still living with Bobby Kelly and we were talking about the first porno, the first pornos that we saw.

I remember telling that and he was just going, what? And I go, dude, I swear to God. He goes, what was the name? Like I don't know what the name was. My buddy just had it. I bet you know, you know, who would know, you know, who would know the answer to it is David Tell. He would know.

I bet if you asked him or if we tweeted him and said, do you remember ever seeing a porno from Circa, whatever year that is and a guy, I bet he would know it. You realize you just blew up his Twitter account. All right, we're going to end with this dilemma. Oh wait, you know, I got to read some, I got to read the rest of the advertising real quick. Hulu plus everybody. Come on.

Let me read it here. Hulu plus. You probably tried Hulu on your computer. Hulu plus is so much more Hulu with Hulu plus. You can watch current season episodes of your favorite shows like modern family, the daily show and scandal and watch every episode of shows like Nashville lost and doctor who um, you get ad free movies and kid shows too. Now more than ever, there is so much to watch.

Take total control with Hulu plus to stream these shows and thousands more as much as you want. Whenever you want. This is the best part. Hulu plus works on your computer, your smart TV, Roku, Apple TV, Xbox, PlayStation, pretty much any streaming device you already own, you can apply Hulu plus to you can even watch on your eye on your phone or iPad while on the train at work at the dentist or in the bathroom.

You can even block off a day to binge. You also get access to originals that you can get anywhere that you can't get anywhere else. Check out the new show deadbeat, a comedy about a pot smoking guy who talks to ghost binge on all 10 episodes starting April 9th for only 799 a month. Get, get your shows anytime, anywhere. That's like a quarter a day right now. Hulu plus.com slash norm.

For some reason, they keep giving me this one. Yeah, let's get norm, let's, let's give norm McDonald the fucking money this week. Hulu dot com slash norm and get two weeks full access completely free. That's a whole week, whole extra week more with your special offer when you sign up at Hulu plus.com slash norm. So get with it and start screaming TV now with Hulu plus. And lastly, but not leastly stamps.com everyone, summer is finally here and you want as much free time as possible.

Don't let go into the post office, cut into that free time. Everybody just use stamps.com instead with stamps.com. You can print postage right from your desk. You won't ever have to go to the office post office again, find parking, wait your turn, all of that stuff that you hate stamps.com turns your PC or your Mac into your own personal post office. What can you do with it? You can buy and print official US postage using your computer and printer.

You can print everything from stamps to shipping labels, shipping labels, whenever you need it. Then just hand your mail to the mailman. Boom, you're done. Stamps.com is so convenient and easy to use, even a moron like me can use it. You'll never waste time going to the post office again. I use this to send out all my DVDs, all my posters, whatever crap I'm selling at the end.

I've never had a problem. I'm an idiot. If I can figure it out, so can you. There's no reason to go to the post office anymore. Right now, use my last name, Burr, B-U-R-R, for this special offer, no risk trial, plus a $110 bonus offer, includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. So don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else.

Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R, that's stamps.com, enter Burr. That was a pretty good read, huh? Yeah, you're getting better at those. I'm getting better at them. I'm still fucking up, but I'm getting better. Dilemma. Hey Bill, would you rather be morbidly obese to the point where just walking around is

exhausting? No. I'm talking over 350 pounds and you weren't allowed to lose the weight. I love that you already answered. Or would you rather be stuck in prison for the rest of your life? Oh God, stuck in prison. Really? That's how shallow I am.

It's hilarious. I feel like though, if you're 350 pounds or whatever. That's my fault by the way. I'm not good with the mixture. Oh, okay. It's like you're already in prison. You're in prison in your own body. I think they're both prisons, aren't they?

I mean they are, but I mean it's like, oh, I see what you mean. No, no, I'm agreeing with you. Yeah. You just had a nice little metaphor there and I ruined it. Would I rather be obese or be in prison for the rest of my life? It's a no brainer. Yeah, I'd rather be, yeah, but I can't lose weight. Just think of the fun you'd have getting that fat.

That's the thing. It would be really fun to just be like eating all the good shit that you can't have in prison. They don't have good food there. So maybe I would rather be obese. I don't know. Jesus Christ. Do you imagine somebody obese listening to this right now? You were basically saying, gee, I would rather be in prison for the rest of my life than be

you. I definitely would rather be. It's not about your personality. You know what? And this is a silly like objective thing that's never going to happen. You can get on a plane. So we can talk about it and people shouldn't get offended by it for kind of. You can get on a plane with your two seats and your giant seat belt.

Yeah. And you can fly anywhere in the fucking world and go get even fatter, right? Do you have to buy two seats if you're like over a certain weight? What's the weight requirement now? Yeah, but for me. Whatever it is, like, like Kevin Smith is over it, right? Cause that's how, why he got, he had that whole problem with JetBlue or Southwest cause they thought Southwest, Southwest cause they were like, yeah, you need to buy two seats.

I didn't think he was that big though. Like two seats big. I don't know. I've never met him. I met him. He wasn't two seats big when I saw him. Yeah. I don't know.

Maybe they're just being dicks. Look, the only time Southwest is, Southwest is a great airline, but I don't like, uh, I don't like all the jokes that they tell. I get it that they're trying to make it lighten it up and we're the cool company, but it's like my life is in your hands right now. And I would, I would pilot, you mean? I thought you meant the stewards and the stewards. I don't like it.

I don't like it either. I've kind of, this is what I find. I find when you go in someplace, if the person at the top is doing their job right, everybody underneath is also in line and they come off like they're out of line. Okay. It's like the vibe on a Southwest flight is that there's a substitute teacher. I don't like that. You know what I mean?

I like, I like feeling like shit is an order. You know? Have you seen on Virgin Airlines that their safety video is like this full scale music video production. I hate that fucking thing. There's like a little kid that wraps in it. There's like a little Asian girl that wraps a little black kid that's wearing a suit. And there's break dancers.

And you can't get away from it. It's a whole. You can't get away from it. I was actually like, I was actually finding myself happy for the people that were in the video that they were got work and exposure on this level. And I was impressed by it. I was like, how much money does Richard Branson have? He really made.

I hate the mood light. And they have, and they have it behind the mute, like behind the scenes video of how they made the thing on it. So what are you saying? What are you saying? You hate the mood lighting where? On Virgin? Why?

What do you mean? I love Virgin Airlines. I love it. I don't mind it. Like Virgin's cool. I don't. JetBlue is cool. JetBlue is good.

You get to watch ESPN the whole way across the country. I like that. Yeah. I like being able to watch all my stupid, like Bravo Real Housewives. The only airline I really don't fucking like other than the just the crazy ones that I used to fly when I was starting out like that. Was it ATA or some shit? Oh, I don't know.

All trans, something trans, air. Oh, trans, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know any airlines? I've flown that don't even fucking exist anymore at this point. Mm-hmm. Just got swallowed up. I flew People's Express in the 80s. What is that?

It was like the precursor to Value Jet, man. It was fucking shady. I remember Value Jet. Yeah. They had that fire, unfortunately. You know what? I'm sorry. I need to go back.

I would rather be obese. Eastern airline? Yeah. My mom used to work for Eastern. She used to fly. She used to be TWA. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Northwest. Mm-hmm. None of these exist anymore? None of them. They either got bought out or they went out of business. Uh... Wait. Can we go back to the...

They used to fly Frank's airline? Can we go back to... That sounds like a corner store, like a place, like a deli. It's called Frank's. Like a deli. Yeah. They used to sell hot dogs. I think I would rather...

I made that up. I would rather be obese and free than in... Exactly. And can we apologize to people who are overweight? Yeah. And you know what? Absolutely. You know, I will apologize.

No, we're not apologizing. We're in the age of apologizing. Take a fucking joke, fatty. But... You and your fat-shaming. But you know what? The American... Fat-shaming work.

Shame, shame, shame. The American prison... I want to send to fat people. Shame on you. The American prison system is such a fucked-up industry that I would not want to be in it. Oh, get off you fucking... No, I wouldn't. Get off you goddamn...

I wouldn't want to be in prison. That was a... You said that. That was a stupid answer. You said that. That was my vain answer. We got it. But I admit that.

Hey, I want to start a new segment on here where I fat-shame somebody every week. No. Because I make it work. Why don't you shame other people too? Can you shame? Like, just shame? Can I finish? Across the board?

Can I finish here? Sure. So, the jingles can say that chain of fools where they go, chain, chain, chain. I'm going to go, shame, shame, shame. Boo, boo, boo, boo. Yeah. I know the song.

Shame on you. Then I'll have somebody sing the high part. You ate those cupcakes. You really are just going to with this idea. Yeah. Know your nods. Yeah, yeah. We are...

Wait, they used to do that on news. They used to do this... And remember, and they'd have this like graphic of a finger pointing. And it was the reporters. And I would be like, they would go up to like slum lords. Did they use to saw? No. They had their own, they had their own little like jingle.

But I'm telling you, is that... Yeah, they would like burst into places and say, I hear, you know, we hear that you're charging customers for it. But-but-but-but. And don't you think that's wrong? And they'd have to like get the owners to try to like fess up on camera. That's right. And then the graphic would come and be a boom.

Yeah. And it was like... Shame on you. It was a finger like wagging. That was it. I don't know... Well, look, if there's religious nuts out there that can try to like make gay people straight.

And they're trying to show like that they think that that works. Right. Aren't I kind of like those people where I think shaming... I've actually had, I've had... That's what they do on The Biggest Loser, I thought. When they scream at them and make them cry and make them puke. I can't believe somebody just hasn't dropped up a heart attack. I know.

They've been writing articles about that show and how it's really fucked up. You know, I watched... I used to watch it all the time because I was like... I found it motivating. I know. And you'd sit there and cry with them and I would laugh. I did. And you did a bit about it, I remember.

Because that's when you were talking about how like they had so much fun. Like they're living the life. They're the real rock stars. Because while you're sitting there like, you know, eating salads and having to work out, they're just like doing whatever they want and living the life. Oh my God, that's right. That was a while. That was...

It was a while ago when you did that bit. But I used to love that show. After a while I was like, alright, I get it, I get it. I'm over it. But no, I really liked it. But people have a serious problem. I thought the woman left the show because she was sick of... Jillian?

She was sick of them sweating all over her. She made her money. I think she's back. I think that last season she's been back. She left for a little bit. Everybody's back. Yeah. This business is shrinking by the day.

There was a really hot black guy that's on there. I forget what his name is. All the movie stars are doing TV shows now. I know. I want to watch that Halle Berry TV show though. Everybody's doing commercials. And so people are grabbing every dime they can get before my business turns into what the music industry did.

Do you realize how fucking lucky I am that I actually have a live show that I can go on the road? How lucky I am? Thank fucking Christ. But do you think live shows are going to be something of the past? Because it's like they've been going on forever and ever and ever? No, no, no. I think people will always want to do that.

I mean, maybe they'll be funny as if somehow... What do they call those things? They did that creepy thing with Tupac and Michael Jackson. Oh, the hologram shit that they're doing like at Coachella and like award shows where like, yeah, all of a sudden Tupac shows up and does like his entire discography. There's a bunch of people tripping their balls off. I know, right? I don't...

And people, you'd hear people when you see footage on YouTube, people be like, I knew it. I knew it was alive. I knew it. And then they're like, oh wait, it's a hologram. Jesus Christ. Well, I would never say that that wouldn't happen, but I would think at some point you're going to want to leave the house.

You're going to want to have to leave the fucking house. But I got to be honest with you. What are you talking about? Leave the house. Like live shows, if people like live shows would stop. I will tell you this though. I love... That movie I did, Walk of Shame, how it's simultaneously released on...

Theater and VOD? Yeah. I fucking... I would see more movies if I could just sit on my ass here and pop in Godzilla or some shit like that. I definitely would. And Godzilla is something that I didn't go see, but if I was sitting at home, I would fucking watch that shit.

We still need to go see Maleficent. Is it still in the movie theater? I want to see that movie. Yeah, I did and now I don't. Why? Because they stopped showing commercials and I stopped giving a shit. Like I was into it. Like they got me.

They had me hooked and I'll go see that Alice in Wonderland looking evil with shit. Snow White. Snow White in the Seven Dwarfs. Right? It's about the evil queen, but yeah, yeah, exactly. Oh, it's her perspective. Yeah. And Angelina is the... she's Maleficent.

She's the queen. And we had her wrong the whole time? Well, we get to understand what happened to her and the whole bit and why she's that way and this and that. Can I tell you something about that evil witch? She, her childhood... Why don't you tell me about it? Because her childhood was a long time ago.

Okay. At some point it happens in your 30s. Okay. You have to stop taking your childhood out on people and you've got to fucking man up. Okay. So that's what I would say to that witch. Okay. Can we please go see this movie so we can talk about it then?

As she's standing there stirring her fucking steel fucking pot. What the hell is she's doing with bad heads in it? Coldrin. Coldrin. All right. Listen, this podcast is going on and on and on and on. We got to wrap it up. We got to wrap it up.

All right. This has been the Monday Morning Podcast. Thank you. Bad weather. Sorry. Thanks for everybody for listening. Thanks, everybody. Seriously, who came out to my stand-up special.

You can tell I'm pretty fucking burned out from the whole weekend. I really appreciate it. I had a great time going down that land. It's such a great comedy city and... Yay, ATL. Yeah. I had a great fucking time. So that's it.

I'm going to work on the new hour. Hopefully I'll have enough of that shit together by the time the special comes out. I'll let you guys know when that comes out. Until then, oh, by the way, as always, if you're going to buy something on Amazon.com, you want to contribute to the podcast, just go to the Monday Morning Podcast page on billbird.com and click on the Amazon banner and it'll take you right to Amazon and they'll kick me a fee for sending you there. It doesn't cost you any money.

Do it if you want to. If you don't, go right to Amazon. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. 01:35:56,240 --> 01:35:57,240 Ikea, tip of the week.