Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-24-19

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

Bill rambles about Cuban cigars, drums, and people that are “blunt.”

And look for the second episode on TheWerldInHetKlijn.be. That's it for Albert Heijn. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for June 24, 2019. What's going on? How are ya? What's up? How's everybody doing? Are you having a nice week? Well, that's good. That's good. I'll be in a fucking melancholy mood. I really am. Some bullshit going on. You know, you get all the things happening to people that you love and it fucking sucks. So, with that, we're gonna plow through. With that, we're gonna plow through.

We're gonna plow through. We're gonna bring the comedy through the pain. Getting on this jokes to train. It's Billy. And he's got on his clown makeup. Jesus Christ, I didn't realize the fucking shit I was gonna stir up, telling that funny story about that club that didn't put me on. And then everybody started going like, you know, that club, I gotta tell you, they do some things that are not exactly things that you might want to be doing to people. So now I'm kind of glad I didn't go up there. But anyway, I've been working, oh, I've been working my new fucking 25, 30 minutes that I got since I did the special. Not saying it's good, not saying it deserves to be listened to by human ears, but they have to because that's just how the game is played. So, I went up, what the hell was I? I was at the, I was at, I'm not even gonna say the comedy clubs now because I don't wanna get anybody in trouble,

but I was on stage. And, you know, the usual shit that happens now when you do a fucking comedy show is everybody's having a great time. And then a younger white woman all of a sudden has to fucking be offended by something, right? So I was joking about that. And, you know, then lo and behold, I'm doing my set and all of a sudden this woman starts bitching about something. I go, ah, the classic. There she is. The young white woman doesn't like the joke. The host showed us to stop. And she goes, I'm not white. You know, and the lights were in my eyes. I was like, well, you look white. I can't even see. I go, what are you? And she's like, I'm Asian. She said it with a real attitude. I go, well, Jesus, oh, fucking relax. Stop acting like you're special. There's like six billion of you sitting here talking about yourself like you're a fucking albino alligator.

Someone wants to make a bag out of her credit. She laughed her ass off. Now, I know that was taken out of context when on a comedy club, you're listening to this at home or maybe at work and maybe they'd offended you. And you need to hashtag something. That was fucking funny. She was cool though. Thank God she ended up being cool. But I tried out all my new shit and I actually was down in the village afterwards and I've been working this abortion angle and I got pro-choice people. I got them to give me an applause break on something that was not pro-choice on the fucking issue, which made me feel great. And just had a, it was like the perfect night and then Verzi and Bobby Kelly were there and we went, oh my God, I got to tell this fucking story. So Verzi gets like a box of fucking Cuban cigars as did I.

We both, a buddy of ours got us, oh shit, he doesn't even know the shit. He got us this box of Cuban cigars and he sent us pictures going, what do you want? You want all Cubans or do you want this mix of Cuban cigars, right? So I'm like, well, I'll take the mix, you know? I'll take the whole smorgasbord there, right? So Verzi, like Verzi didn't know the same guy, you know, he's a buddy of ours. He hit us both up and sent us and, you know, he didn't have us on the same like text chain. So neither one of us knew. He goes, dude, I got the variety box. I go, did you get it from so-and-so?

He goes, yeah, and he goes, great. So I'll meet you down the cell, all right? And he goes, I got Cubans and we're all excited, right? I go down, I do a couple, two, three sets. I have a great sets. Verzi fucking murdered. By the way, Verzi's going to be at Laugh Boston this weekend. Please go out and see this guy, man.

Okay, fucking, this guy's the real deal. And like he has turned a fucking corner and he is not the same comic when he headlines that he is when he's opening for me. There's a whole other level that he goes to just because he has the time to really work ideas. And I'm so thrilled for him. And watching, you know, there's nothing I enjoyed better than seeing a comic, you know, all of a sudden they got like that growth. They turn the corner and all that, you know, inspires you to fucking try and push yourself and yada, yada, yada and all that, right? So anyway, so we're going to all that also reminds me when we were sitting in the park, Bobby Kelly was going, Jesus Christ, he was going after Jessica Kersen.

And I was like, oh man, that's a tough, oh, that's a rough one. He goes, yeah, he goes, she can like, she goes, dude, she's like three comics and one she can do voices. And I even I jumped on right there. I go, she can be big. She can just be standing there. She's got like every tool in the fucking toolbox. And by the way, oh, what a coincidence. All things comedy produced her upcoming special along with Ian Edwards, another beast.

It was just a great night. So we're upstairs at the cellar about ready to go over there and Bobby's into cigars too. And what you have to understand about Bobby Kelly is Bobby, when Bobby gets into shit, remember when Tom Cruz was talking about Scientology and he was just like, I fucking get into shit. You know, which is the reference we used on Ephesus for family when, when, when Vic Reynolds go, I get into shit. That was a nod to him. Flying helicopters, whatever Tom Cruz does, you know, is this stunt to be done next thing? You know, they're duct-taking them to the side of a fucking 747.

I mean, lunatic, but in a good way because you get to enjoy what the fuck they do, right? And what was I going to say? So Bobby's the same way, right? He gets into shit. He fucking gets into shit. So he got into cigars. All right. I'm into cigars, but like, I'm not like one of these fucking people like, you know, I'm not like a connoisseur.

You know, I know about some cigars, but like any one of you out there could educate me on this is a Connecticut leaf and all of that. I like those guys and they light them and they're like, oh, I'm taking hints of, hints of chili pepper with that with some chocolate of some chocolate aftertaste. It fucking drives me up the wall because first of all, they know what the fuck they're going to say before they light they lit it. They already took it and it's like they're lighting it and they're already hearing feeling hints of this and hints of that. Like they're this fucking five star chef the fuck out of here. All right. You know, like cigar I've ever lit where as I was lighting it, I was like, oh my God, was it any Cuban cigar I've ever smoked that was actually real. So anyway, we're at the cellar and first he's like, I got Cubans and Bobby said he got Cubans.

Yeah. Or maybe I was excited. So Bobby's just sitting there. Right. Like the fucking dawn of cigars. He's sitting there. You know, like when that guy in Goodfellas comes in, he has a problem with his restaurant. He's just so we want to know what the rest of it right.

So the Verzi Bobby just goes, let me see him. So Verzi gives him the box. He glances at the cigars and immediately he puts he puts on his glasses. And he lifts. He's looking on the side of the box. He's not looking at the cigars. And I immediately knew what he was going to do. I was like, oh no.

Oh, this is my favorite. He put on his glasses that I swear to God look like the windshield on a fucking motor scooter. East lens, giant fucking glasses. And that was not in a lit room was not enough. He then took the flashlight on his phone and puts it on the serial number. And as he was doing in my head, I'm like, don't do this, Bobby. Please don't ruin the night before it begins. And he looks at him.

He just puts the box down, shuts off the light, takes off his glasses and looks at Verzi. He just goes, these are fake. And Verzi's going like, no, no, they're not. No, they're not. He goes, no, they're fake. He goes, every Cuban cigar they come with the serial number. Bobby knew what the serial number was. And he's like, these are fake.

Okay. So I'm fucking dying laughing. Verzi, Verzi's like, Verzi is like, he's like Santa Claus. You know what I mean? This is what you need to know about how big Paul Verzi's heart is. He every year, no matter what the Knicks do, he still has hope the next season. It's Verzi is Christmas the whole fucking year around, right? So Verzi's shoulders literally like slump.

And I go, no, no, they're probably good. Whatever you go to get to say when we're walking out. And I just look at, I go, Bob, why would you do that? He's like, what do they do? They do a fake. I go, that's Bob. I go, that's not how you do it. And he starts laughing.

I go, this is what you should have done. You should have realized they were fake. And then what you do is just sit there, smoke them, tell them that they're good. And then in a couple of weeks, show up, you know, to go smoke with the guy. Say, by the way, you know those Cuban cigars you had a few weeks ago? And he goes, yeah, go, by the way, those, they, well, those weren't real. They were fake. And then you pull out and go, but here's, here's a real one.

Okay. And then you could educate him on the serial number and all that. So Bobby goes, all right, fair enough, fair enough, right? And then Verzi goes, yeah, dude, I don't think these are fake. He starts it back up again forever. The hopeful Nick fan, he starts it back up again. And at that point, I go, I pull not now, I, now I got to turn my back on you. Paul Sorvino, I got to turn my back.

I tried to fucking stick up for the moment and it's over. So then we ended up, we went up, go to that park right across the street from Joe's pizza. The one you see at the end of Ray Romano is amazing special. If you haven't watched it yet. So at that point, we were all just laughing. And I was like, Bob, which one do you want? Do you want the fojiba or the fartigas? You know, basically using the Cuban names, but saying F for fake.

And we were all just laughing, but they actually smoked good and they didn't taste that bad. And then a buddy of ours ended up showing up. We had like the fucking best night sitting there smoking the cigar, looking at the ridiculously long line over at Joe's, waiting for it to get small enough that we were going to go over there and get a slice of pizza. And I, I wasn't going to get a slice because I've been eating too many. And I got to keep my girlish figure here for the, for the motion picture. All right.

I don't want my fucking, I don't want my fucking second trimester, alabaster belly taken away from the true star of the show, which is my mustache. So we just sat there the whole night and then we just started talking about how much money do you think Joe's is making and fucking, you know, how my dad always wanted to open a pizza parlor, Verzi wanted to open a pizza parlor and all that shit. And we just sat there shooting the shit. And just, I came in like, it was like one of those things, a classic great cigar where it was just like great cigar hang, I should say,

before Bobby calls it. Dude, it wasn't great. They were fake, dude. That conversation in the park had a serial number on it. That wasn't real. That wasn't real conversation. We just said, we talked comedy. That's where we were talking about a set.

So Bobby was talking about having to follow Jessica and I don't know, just had like the greatest, the greatest fucking night. And I don't know. It's why, you know, as much as a good time as I had drinking booze for all those years, I can kind of walk away from that because, you know, there's an inebriation, obviously involved with boozing, even if you just have a couple. And a lot of great conversation is lost. But with cigar, but even then, I got to go easy on the cigars.

This whole talk is making me want to smoke one right now. I will tell you, last night I went out and I did Big J's Skankfest. You know what's funny is I never really put that, I know what that word means, but I never, because I put fest at the end of it, like, you can call something fuckfest. And when I showed up and there was an orgy there, I would still be surprised. Like once fest is at the end of it, the prefix is no longer a single word anymore. It's just the beginning of it. And it doesn't, doesn't even dawn on me.

And I'm not saying that there was a bunch of skanks there, but it was just like, it reminded me the energy was like when you used to do those opiate Anthony live events, where it was crazy, maniacal fans with ridiculously awesome loyalty. And it was slightly scary. So we went up there and we played, we did the goddamn comedy jam. And I gotta tell you, by the time I went up there, Josh Adam Myers, it looked like somebody had thrown him in an above ground pool with his clothes on. He was absolutely drenched in sweat.

I've never seen all these people, hardest working man in show business. I never saw anybody sweating like that. He was absolutely soaked his shorts, his shirt, his hair, the whole fucking thing. He looked like a fucking, like I said, he looked like someone just threw him in a fucking pool. And we went up there and I haven't had a lot of time to play on a kit because did I mention I'm doing a movie five, 50 times in this fucking thing? All right, Bill, we get it for once you're working as an actor. But I did, I went out and I bought a practice pad and I've been working on my hands there.

Trying to remember some shit that Dave Elich taught me. And just doing that, I think I played the best I've played. I mean, still saying, I'm not saying it was good, but I wasn't nervous or anything. So of course you play, you do better if you weren't nervous, but I got to play kickstart my heart with all the teen idol sensation from the opiate Anthony program. Joe DeRosa came back out and saying kickstart my heart and it didn't dawn on me till afterwards when I left, I was like, wait a minute, I finally got to jam with fucking Joe DeRosa. And dude, the crowd was fucking insane.

They were fucking insane. You've seen some of the clips from it, but like Bobby Kelly crowd surfed at a podcast. Bobby, these Cubans aren't real Kelly. Anyway, and then we played Pantera, I'm Broken, a.k.a. downtown comedy club downtown comedy club, which we don't even call it I'm broken anymore. Now, Josh goes, you want to do downtown? Yeah, we'll do downtown. And then Joey Roses is going to sing kickstart my heart.

And it was like, it was fucking awesome. I could barely hear the guitar in the bass, but I was just sort of humming the song along. So, you know, there was a couple of minor train wrecks in there that were my fault. But I think overall when I was on, I actually played it pretty good. So I was very excited about that. So then I go to run out of there because there was no place to hang out. I mean, it was like, it was a fucking free for all in the greatest sense. I think everybody there, you just walked in and had a backstage pass.

I went to the green room. There was like 400 fucking people in there. It felt like, but honestly, it was probably like, I know upwards of 30 people in a room that comfortably would have held seven. So that was the only part trying to figure out a place where I could stand and kind of think about, you know, the song. So I didn't blow it. And, you know, I got to see some of red bands stand up show downstairs. Who the fuck did I see? Josh went up and did a set.

Tony the show pony, I got to see him. He had a great bit about transgendered athletes. And yeah, I think that that was it. So anyway, afterwards and this fucking venue, by the way, Jesus Christ, I mean, you could have shot a horror movie in this place. It was out of the 70s and literally nothing had been changed. I mean, we were in the sober green room. We finally found one downstairs and what was hilarious. We walked in.

There was one person there. So we went in there and they had these these round rounded like leather sort of cheap ass looking minimalist chairs. I'm like, these literally look like they're from the set of like Mary Tyler Moore's apartment. But anyway, we had we ended up having a great time. So I do the I do the show, right? Play kickstart and downtown comedy club, right? And I had a great fucking time. I get off stage and I'm going to Uber, right?

And I go outside and there's this lime green taxi sitting there as if I had already called it. I'm like, what a fucking perfect night. You know, I get to do big J's fucking festival. I fucking jam with Joe DeRosa. I don't fuck up the songs too bad. Everything goes great. And here's a cab waiting for me. I said, are you on?

And he's he's like, yes, right? And I go to get in and he goes, where you going? And I was like, I'm going to 81st and third. He's like 81st and third. I go, yeah, in Manhattan. He's like Manhattan. Yeah, Manhattan. It's one in three.

I go, yes, Manhattan. I'm like, yeah, New York City, Empire State Building. If I can make it there, right? And then I'm thinking like, oh my God, we're in Brooklyn. He doesn't want to go all the way out there. He's a lime green cab. He's going to have to drive back empty. So I just, I fucking say to the guy, do you not want to go?

And he goes, no, no, no, how do you want to go? Midtown Tunnel, you want to take the Williamsburg Bridge? And I'm like, whatever you think is faster. You want to go Midtown, Williamburg? I go, whichever. 81 and three. And I just go, dude, go fuck yourself. And I got out of this fucking cab.

I knew what he was doing. But I had to commend it. The fact that in a second language, he still knew how to play dumb so he could get what the fuck he wanted. It was such passive aggressive horseship. But I have to commend him that it did work. And then he had the audacity as I'm standing there across the street waiting for my Uber.

He was outside of his car, leaning on his car, just looking at me. Like the guy that Clint Eastwood kills in a Western. You know what I mean? You can just tell this guy is just going to be a dick. I mean, maybe he was mad at me, but I didn't overreact because I went to get out of his cab and I was waiting. No way! What?

And he didn't do it. He just let me get out. Fucking cocksucker. By the way, my temper is back in full force because I have not fucking gone to therapy and been able to talk about my... And the big thing about, it's been helping me about the therapy is I'm always thinking in my head like,

well, if I talk about this, then I have to go in and talk to her and say that I failed this week. Now I don't have that. I don't have the parameters. So I got to get it back under control. I mean, it does make for great stories here in the podcast, I imagine. Fucking... Like I said, like nine times.

81 and three. It's just like, dude, your entire country is better at math than some of our best students over here, okay? We got a couple of agent free agents, but generally white people, you crush us in math. You know what the fuck I'm talking about. So anyway, I got a couple of days off here and I got to go to a barber and get this fucking mustache trimmed

because it is like going to be hanging down below my bottom lip here. And I'm like, I can't do it. Everything gets in it. I don't know how the fuck... The level of commitment to having one of these fucking hipster, fucking Sam Elliott mustaches is starting to get... It's starting to wear on me. All right?

Oh, Billy Dallas Buyers Club here has had it. So I got, you know, I think I rep the second week in August and I'm going to clear it with the director and be like, all right, dude, I'm going to go home and shave this off. Are we cool? Because it's going to take me, you know, six to seven weeks to grow this fucker again. Yeah.

I'm going to go back to being Billy Redface. I miss that guy. Did anybody watch the F1 race? I actually caught it and I watched it in Spanish. And even in Spanish, I knew the fucking race was over. The second Lewis Hamilton... You know, it's a race to the first turn. And I'll tell you, I couldn't believe

that Lewis Hamilton had won the poll and Valtteri Bottas was in second place. It's unbelievable. I mean, I thought the other 90 weeks in a row that they've seemed to have done that was just a fluke. Dude, a level of driver of Lewis Hamilton in the level of car that he's in and he's in the pole position and he gets to the first turn,

I can tell you this, like there's no point in watching the rest of the fucking race. How they even, like, televised the race. They're not even showing Lewis Hamilton. They're not even showing the guy in first place. They spend the whole race showing, like, fucking third, fourth, and fifth, those people jockeying for position.

That's where the racing is. But it's still an incredible sport. But I gotta tell you, like, they need to... There's gonna have to be something. They have to do something. All right? There's gotta be... Something's gotta give here where, like, you know, in hockey, they got rid of the red line

so you could have the stretch pass to somehow beat that fucking, you know, trap defense, which now is gonna be, can you beat a trap defense while they're running your goaltender and fucking cross-checking you in the teeth like those piece of shit St. Louis Blues. It's gradually gonna come out, it's going to be classy when they won.

Filthy, filthy fucking team. But, you know, Bruins have had filthy teams. That's how I'm making my peace with it. But it just kills me. We should have run their fucking mediocre goddamn goaltender, which, by the way, now that you've had your parade, because I don't want to rain on your parade, now that it's gone, dude, that fucking horseshit,

where they would say, those guys won more games than any other fucking rookie. That fucking guy, if we scored the first fucking goal, the guy led up 10 goals in two games and was pulled out of one game. Everybody fucking relax. All right, you got a Matt Castle situation. He gets traded to the hockey equivalent

of the Chiefs 10 years ago, and that guy's a fucking civ. Having said that, congratulations on your cup. The fuck was his goals against 10 goals in two fucking games? Jesus fucking Christ. And they're just sitting there ball washing the guy. These are the reasons why they're winning. Oh, is he?

I thought it was the fucking goons he had in front of him, fucking taking runs at people and boarding everybody. I thought it was that. Call me crazy. Anyways, where am I? Let's read some advertising here. All right. In good news, in better news here,

I was actually home, I was visiting, as I sort of alluded to, one of my friends is gravely ill, and that's never fun, but I did go back and I met up with a bunch of my high school buddies, who I've still been in touch with 30-some-odd years, and we hung out and we were all talking about the hangover of when the NHL and the NBA playoffs end,

because of such hype. And they were like, oh god, let's watch a baseball game. It's boring. I go, nah, put it on. Settle in, settle in. It's fucking great. It's a great fucking game, right? And we happened to watch that Red Sox game,

where we were down 4-0 against the Blue Jays, and we came back and won 7-5 in 10 innings. Ended up being a great game, and we were talking about the old days and all that shit. And I read the next day in the Boston Sports page, which I never get to read anymore. I think I have a subscription to both the Globe and the Herald. I just don't, I can't remember my passwords.

They were talking about our coach, was it Cora? I'm so not a baseball guy right now. Our manager's decision, I guess we brought a picture in and we walked somebody to get to a guy who was 4-4-4 for the night. And everyone was scratching their heads. But the picture we had was the guy had gone 0-3 lifetime against him. So everybody thought that he walked him because the 4-4-4 guy had never got a hit on our picture.

And our manager was like, that's not why I did it. I did it because he was 4-4-4. And it's almost, you know, it's really difficult to go 5-5. So he was betting on the fact that, all right, this guy got 4 hits, but there's no way he's getting 5. I never heard anybody do the math like that in baseball, and somehow it worked out. So I know we're not playing the greatest baseball,

and the Yankees are absolutely on fire, and now they're, and they weren't even playing with their best guys. So I'm definitely going to be keeping an eye on that because, as I keep mentioning, the Yankees won it this year, they got it as good a chance as anybody. Like I said, they will have won at least one World Series in 9 of the last 10 decades.

No, yeah, unbelievable. That's un-fucking-believable to be that successful for that long. And even as a Red Sox fan, I have to give it up to you. And congratulations to the Blues. There's just a few things. I was just biting my tongue watching that fucking shit because I didn't want to be the fucking sore loser. But here I am two weeks later, still fucking steaming over it.

Did you see what the Bruins drafted to? Drafted a fucking 6'3", 200-something pound fucking center. I told you, that's what we needed. We didn't have that power forward to stand there in the slot. That's what we needed. So we would pass and wing the fucking wing. And that amazing Patrick Wad Jr. He went from one post to the other.

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You know, you look at Aerosmith. They all got their hair. You look at the Rolling Stones. They all got their hair. Keith was starting to lose it. You know, we started wearing the bandanas. And then we got Johnny Depp doing the fucking Pirates of the Caribbean. Because of that, going this guy's dressing like a pirate.

I think he was doing the LeBron James. He was wearing the fucking headband. And then, I don't know, I just saw him recently and he got it back. He looked like he had a fucking decaying bird's nest on his head for a long time. And being the fact that he was a smoker, I was really concerned for him. You know, when he was fucking lighting it up, you know, all of a sudden, one of the ambers there. You know, like how, like those LA fires,

the ambers will float over other houses and just fucking unfortunately land on somebody else's house. And someone's sitting there across the street looking at three houses that burnt down and their whole fucking side of the block is fine. It's like a tornado. We got it, Bill. All right, Butcher's Box. This month, Butcher Box is offering free bacon for life. Sign up now and you'll get one package of the best tasting bacon free in every box for you. Can you imagine me in the Rolling Stones and you don't lose your hair?

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for the life of your subscription, go to butcherbox.com. Enter bur at checkout. Go now. It's a limited-time offer. Good lord, everybody. Is there anything more American than a package of free bacon in every box, whatever subscription you have? All right, let's talk cardio machines, because that's what I've been doing. And this friend of mine was claiming there was a new cardio machine where he's burning way more calories than you do on an elliptical

at the same amount of time, and it just dawned on me. I was just like, that's just sort of like the scam with cardio equipment is that once people buy something, they're so fucking expensive. It's like they're not going to... My mother bought a fucking Nordic track in the late 80s. She's still using it. Still works up a sweat and all of that shit, right? She got it from my dad. He never fucking used it, and she uses it, right? So the thing about that game is in order to get people to buy again,

you have to somehow come up with some sort of device that is it's burning more calories in a shorter amount of time, all right? And the thing about that is it just says enter your age, enter your weight, and what else? There's something else. I don't know what the fuck it is. And then it just says, oh, you burned this many calories. It's like, don't you need more information than that? I don't have a fucking science background, obviously. I'm not a personal trainer, obviously.

Hey, right? But isn't like, what the fuck are you doing? I think they just fudged the fucking numbers to drive the market. So I just looked up, I just looked up cardio machine scam, and I found this fucking article. First of all, it was funny, was most of them were trying to sell you cardio equipment, and this article that I ended up reading, this guy was breaking down all the ways why those things are just, they're not accurate.

Because it's basically like if I was to get on a cardio machine in the shape that I'm in and work out at a certain level, like it's going to be challenging to my body type, right? If someone else of like the exact same, whatever, proportions as me, who on paper, we are the same, but they have more like athletic DNA or whatever, and they barely break a sweat, they're going to say that they fucking burn the same thing. Like everybody's like different. You would need so much more fucking information.

I really just feel like the whole fucking thing is a scam. I'm not saying cardio machines are bad. I'm just saying buy one, and if it still fucking works, don't get suckered into buying something else. This guy wrote a whole article just on elliptical machines, saying it's the most useless thing, and that's the one that I use. And he was saying that they're absolutely fucking useless, because at least this stair master is something you can apply in real life,

walking up stairs or going up a fucking hill. A rowing machine, you know, for when you take your fucking, the love of your life around a lake, I don't know who the fuck rose anymore. If you're escaping Alcatraz, you know, and you made a fucking dingy out of a fucking pair of pants and some shirts that you tied together. What else? But like, yeah, an elliptical, like unless I got, I don't want,

you cross country ski, I have no fucking idea. I don't know what the point of any of that was. Oh, the point was that my buddy was going, you got to get on this thing, it burns way more calories. And I'm just, you know, being a pessimistic son of a bitch isn't the greatest thing in life, but like, it does prevent you from going out and falling for shit like that. It's like, how do they know?

How the fuck do they know what the fuck you're burning? You just tell them your age and your weight, they don't know how much of that is fat, how much of that is muscle. You don't have to say how tall you are in most of them, right? So you have a little fat fuck and then a tall skinny guy and they're trying to say that they burn the same calories. You know, the fat, he's almost dying, and an old stretch over there, he's barely breaking a sweat.

Dad, I don't have to tell you. All right, let's do some of the reads here for the week. How much time have I done here? The only guy I don't like about this new fucking one is difficult to figure that out. All right, 41 minutes in, okay. Whoopi and Bella Thorne from a lady. All right, so last week I was talking about Whoopi's response to this celebrity who had sent some naked photos to her boyfriend

and they were on the cloud and some asshole got him and he tried to blackmail her and then Whoopi was just like, well, what the fuck are you doing that for? You're famous. And I was like, that's exactly what my mother would have said. Hey, Billy Baldcunt, this is from a lady. I love when the lady's right in. The thing about what Whoopi said is that I think Thorne realizes she made a mistake. Whoopi just jumping in like, hey, dumbass, that was dumb.

I'm older and smart. Oh, I'm older. Yeah, look at that. Look at that. You're throwing a little shader away and smarter than you. You shouldn't have been so dumb. Isn't helpful. That's not what she said.

That's not what she said. All right, she goes, if I went swimming and lost a foot to a shark, you know, that's a great comparison. I think that, you know, uploading naked photos of yourself that somebody black and you look fucking great, by the way. I didn't see him, but like, I saw Joy Behar was going like, if I had a body like that, I'd fucking be plastering around the subway. I love Joy, by the way.

I got to work with her on crashing. She's fucking hilarious. She goes, if I went swimming and lost a foot to a shark and the paramedic just comes up and says, hey, fuckhead, you should have known sharks are in the ocean. I'm not going to check if you're all right. Just need you to know you are an idiot. I fucking realized I made a mistake.

You don't need to publicly chastise me. All right, that right there. First of all, what you're saying whoopie said she didn't say. And then this comparison is not the same thing. Okay, a paramedic's job is to come up to you if you're bleeding, is to stop the bleeding to get you to the doctor's, to the hospital while you're still alive. That's his job.

Whoopie's job is not to make this person feel better. Okay. And she didn't say, hey, dumbass, that was dumb. I'm older and smarter than you. You shouldn't be so dumb. That's not what she said. Okay. And the thing about you fucking people about people in general is,

you know, when you fuck up in life, if somebody doesn't hold your feet to the fire, speaking of feet, you're not going to learn anything. If people are just constantly coddling you. All right. You don't learn anything. And then secondly, this is a famous person. Famous people are not people.

They are just things that people use to get through 10 minutes of their fucking day on a radio show or a fucking blog that they don't feel like doing that day. So part of being in the public eye is getting trashed. All right. At the fucking pathetic level that I'm at. All right. I literally, I stopped reading comments on social media years ago

because it's literally, it's like 80% negative. That's basically what happens. All right. But what I liked about what Whoopie said was it was old school parenting. All right. Yeah, you fucked up just because you fucked up doesn't mean you deserve a hug and somebody cries on your shoulder. I'm not saying that you don't deserve that.

Okay. But somebody also needs to like, you know, if you just like, oh my God, this happened and I'm a victim and somebody just goes, yeah, that's so terrible. Oh my God. I hope you're okay. Like, what did you learn? If you take a jump shot at the end of the game

when there was a guy underneath and you missed the fucking shot and everybody booze you and then you're in the locker room crying is the coach not supposed to bring up that there was a guy open underneath that had a way higher percentage of a shot. Next time you get into that fucking situation, you know, I will say this, what she didn't do in the end was what a great coach would do is after he gave you shit for fucking up, he would then build, don't worry, you'll get him next time.

But blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All right. I will give you that she didn't do that. But it was refreshing to have somebody like hold somebody fucking responsible for their fucking actions. I mean, it was a little ridiculous that you're just going to fucking, that you're going to do something like that. I don't know.

She is younger. I don't fucking know. But I mean, I don't listen. I'm not even saying whoopie was right. All I knew was it made me miss my mom. Well, why'd you do that for you idiot? She always used to do that. You know, well, that's what you get for climbing a tree.

I mean, you got to hang on. All right. Saturday. Dear Billy. Linguine estics. Greetings from Rome. Oh, one of my great trips I ever took. You're constantly emphasizing the, oh,

at a day in Saturday with a Boston accent. Is that from something or is it just how Boston drunks talk when they're Boston level drunk? Love your music choices. Well, that's Andrew. That's not me. Andrew makes the music choices. I'll say, I'm going to come over there on say.

It's an exact, it's an exaggeration of Saturday. And then some people say Saturday. That's what it is. Why don't you come over on Saturday. We'll figure it out. You know, it's like really a harder Boston accent. So me and my buddies being living in LA and missing the Boston accent exaggerated to the point that became say,

but it's my lunch. It's Saturday. My mother-in-law came over this past Saturday. She was in rear form. That's where it comes from. It just comes from, well, it really comes from, yeah, being there and then also watching Steve Sweeney making fun of the Boston accent.

And when all of us, comics from the Boston scene all ended up in LA at the same time, that was, you know, it was, you know, it was a fucking culture shock to go from Boston all the way out to LA. It's just so fucking different. Both great cities, and I love both of them, but we were young and we just, you know, we didn't know anything.

Our whole lives were spent in Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Maine, all of these guys that I moved out there with roughly the same time. So the way we dealt with homes, being homesick, is we hung out with each other. And as we were starting to lose our Boston accents, like as much as I still have one, it's not, it's not even remotely what it used to be.

I have a very soft Boston accent, if you can believe that. So some of them would be like going, yeah, we'd just say something like that. It would be like, yeah, dude, I got to wash my car today and blah, blah, blah. Wash you what? And they'd be like, car, what? And he'd go, ka!

That's what we'd do. So we'd always like, when we heard somebody pronounce an R, we would just, I don't know why we would do that. It was fucking stupid, but I remember one of the hardest laughs I ever had when I was out there in LA, we were doing time in this now defunct, the LA cabaret. I can't remember what the fuck it was called.

It was this way out in the valley, this fucking comedy club that was in this strip mall. I forget what it was called, but we were out there and Bob Miley was on stage and he was talking about moving across the country with his wife. And he was telling the story and like, there was like eight people there and like seven of them were comedians.

It was ridiculous. It was like nobody there. And he was standing there and he was going, yeah, we moved across country. And he goes, we took a fucking, and he jumped up in the air, jumped up the air and landed in the squat position. He goes, we took a fucking rider, you know, the rider truck. And it was just so silly and ridiculous.

And we were all so frustrated that we weren't getting good stage time. And a lot of us thinking, what the fuck had we done? That we just fell out laughing. And it was funny, like he did that well over 20 years ago and I never forgot it. And to this day when I drive down the street and I see, they're not yellow anymore because the fucking idiots

in the world trade, I believe they switched them to white. Whenever I see one, I always think of that every time. It's just the joke that keeps giving. All right, dealing with parents. Hey Bill, love the podcast and your stand up. Sorry you had a bad experience at the airport last time you were here in India. Hope you come again sometime.

I didn't have like a bad, I had a terrifying experience because I didn't think they were going to let me out. Anyways, they put the S there. I'm 18 and recently got accepted in a well-respected engineering college. You see? Exactly. 8th one, you know what the fuck I'm talking about. In India.

But I don't want to follow that career. I want to be a mechanic. That's cool, man. Being a mechanic is fucking cool. I contacted and scored an internship at a huge customs garage in Mumbai. Dude, that's a fucking no-brainer. The problem is my parents, oh Jesus.

They are forcing me to go to engineering schools as it is safe for choice according to them. They want me to take up computer science. My father brings one of his successful friends home every day and together they try to convince me. My parents are not bad people and I believe they did a decent job raising me and have always supported me but this time they just won't listen.

How do you think I should talk to them and explain my passion about cars and machines? Also, would like to know your thoughts on Max Verstappen. Thanks. Dude, you got to follow your heart. Sometimes your parents, you know, what I've learned is being a parent the short amount of time that I have is that

there's an unbelievable amount of fear. The fear, if this is possible, almost is bigger than the love. It's because you love them so much that this fear that something bad is going to happen to them. So what they're worried about is they know that, you know, you're going to outlive them, right? So they're worried, they just want to know

that you're going to be okay after they're gone. So that's where they're coming from. If that helps you understand it more and maybe you can come and listen. I know that you guys are worried about my future and, you know, I get that or whatever and just like, you want me to be happy, right? This is what's going to make me happy.

I absolutely love this. I have a passion for this. I would do this for free. And I know I'm going to be good enough with the great, you know, genes that I have from you guys that I got accepted to engineering school that I can apply the brains that you gave me to this thing and I'll be one of the best guys out there.

Just talk yourself up. But I think you might have to go through a couple of years of their disappointment until they see the success. And I think that's just something someday that you guys will laugh about. And if they never do find it funny and they never quite get that that's what you like, then they're just going to have to fucking, you know, it's just one of those things that, you know,

your parents aren't going to like everything that you're doing. But if you like it, as long as you're not just, you know, I'm not talking about doing heroin. It's just something that they're going to have to fucking accept. That's all. Also, would like to know, so definitely follow your heart. All right. Follow your heart, man, because I think building custom cars

and everything is just fucking amazing. Also, what do you want to know your thoughts on Max Verstappen? Thanks. I love the guy. I think, you know, if he wasn't driving for Red Bull, I mean, there's a lot of guys, if they had, you know, where the fuck did Botas come from? I mean, he was good and everything.

All of a sudden he gets a Mercedes and he's like the second best guy out there. It's just like Mercedes throws so much money at their cars. I mean, what do you think Max Verstappen would be doing if he was riding in a fucking Mercedes? I think he would have way more podiums and way more wins. I think he's an incredible driver and I think he's going to be, if he can get with a team that has the fucking money, not like Red Bull is totally poor,

but I feel like they're a distant third, but behind Mercedes and Ferrari, even though they're doing better than Ferrari this year, as far as I know, have been kind of busy. But I think if he was driving a car, equivalent of that, same thing as Daniel Ricardo, I think there's a lot of guys out there that could be, which is a shame,

and then you could really see some incredible racing. And I got to be honest with you, I don't know if they need to make the tracks fucking wider or what, but they got to do something where these guys actually have an opportunity to pass each other, because, you know, I watched 17 to 19 laps of that 50-something lap race, and I just kept looking at the distance between

Botos and Lewis Hamilton. It just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger, and it got up to close to six seconds. It's like, I'm not fucking watching this. I got my kid. I'm going to go take my kid to the park, forget it. I thought I was going to see a race here, you know? It's just, you can't compete with it.

But I think, obviously, if Max Verstappen was driving for like a Mercedes or something like that, I mean, I can't imagine what he's been doing. I love him. I think he's great. And he also has balls, too. He seems mature beyond his years. He's not intimidated by the press. He's got a little bit of that Kimi Rakin in him, you know?

I like him. I'm a huge fan of his. All right, feminist question. Hey, Billy Badass. Love the show. I enjoy hearing you and the lovely Nia on the podcast. Your relationship dynamic is similar to mine. We are also an interracial couple myself being a black woman. Me and my, me and boyfriend have been together for about five years

and have different approaches to life. My passion and career are one in the same. I'm constantly trying to move up and make more. My boyfriend just works for money. He indulges his passions in his free time, i.e., make and use it. He doesn't really pay attention to how much he makes. Now that we're talking about getting married, friends and family don't like the fact that I am more ahead in my career

and feel he should pull his weight more. Exactly, exactly. You see that? You see that? All the feminists out there listening to this shit. I'm telling you, there's that fucking thing out there. You know, it's like if a guy isn't bringing home the bacon, he's just an adult teenager. What are we doing here?

You can't make a baby. You have an ingredient, but you know, got the easy bake oven there. So what are you doing? You got to make money. My only problem with, and she says, my only problem with that is if the situation was reversed and he was making more than me, no one would care because he's a man. Exactly. Sometimes I wish he made closer to what I make,

but it isn't a priority for me in a relationship. What are your thoughts on this? Love the show and go fuck yourself. Well, I don't think there is a problem with it. Inherently what the problem is is when you get pregnant and you have to go on leave, what kind of sort of financial situation that puts you in because for some reason,

I'm assuming you live in the United States, is we don't give a shit if a woman's pregnant. We're like, all right, well, you just dropped off, keep the caravan moving. You know, in some countries they get upwards of six weeks off. They also pay like 90% taxes. That's the part that they don't talk to you about. I agree with everything you're saying.

Like, if it was flipped, they wouldn't say anything about you. Listen, if you love the guy, fuck and marry the guy, if he's going to be a good dad and all of that shit, and if this is the dynamic, then make sure he doesn't blow all the money he's making on music. Don't squirrel away your money, save your fucking money so that when you're having kids, it won't be a problem, and then have a number of kids that is conducive

to the money that you're making. I think you can work it out. And don't forget to be nice to each other. All right? I know that sounds easy, but you know, you can just sort of just fucking start taking somebody for granted. You'd be surprised how much a little back rub goes either way, you know? I'm telling you.

All right, the girl guys want to fuck, but never want to date because of big boobs. Okay, what the fuck is this one going? All right. Hey, Bill and Nia, I just turned 29 years old on the 19th, and although I should be feeling great, I've been a little bit down about myself as of recently. I ended a five-year relationship three years ago

where I was a lot heavier. I thought my boobs were just bigger because of my weight. I've lost 50 pounds since then, and I look and feel great, however, the boobs never left me. I've been on dates with some guys, but nothing has really come of it. A lot of them just wanted to hook up, and that's not really my style for the first few dates.

I try to dress as modestly as I can. I grew up in a strict Catholic household, so I try not to show as much cleave as possible. It's really hard dressing comfortably without looking like a church choir singer and dying of heat stroke. Parentheses, I live in Arizona. My girlfriends and I met up for lunch a few days ago.

I'm the only single friend without kids in the group. And you know what? I bet a lot of them envy you on a lot of days before you get too down on yourself. There's this one lady in the group who no one ever really likes inviting because she's negative and self-proclaimed blunt, aka, says rude-ass things just to say them.

They don't even make sense. Oh, yeah, you guys say, yeah, you get blunt. I would have used a different word that rhymes with blunt. Anyway, the subject came up of me seeing someone. I mentioned how it's nothing serious. The girl then goes on this rant about how my boobs make me look like a girl's guys just want to fuck but never want to date.

She said that? She's pointed out that they make me look easy and a fun time girl. She said girls with smaller boobs get taken more seriously because guys get to know her personally. The boobs in her face, they cannot. Yeah, she's jealous of you. Also, they don't want to worry about their friends staring.

I brushed it off at first, just thinking she was being a bitch, but the more I think of it, the more it bugged me and kind of made sense. Is this true? No. No, it's not even remotely true. That's a cunt.

She's a cunt, all right? And your friends just sat back and just let her say that? I got to be honest with you. This sounds like you're one of those real housewife dynamics that I watched my wife watch. I'm just like, why the fuck would anybody hang out with a person like that? Somebody just said something like that.

You don't work that out. The fact that she said that and was that fucking rude in public and not thinking about your feelings whatsoever and sitting in front of all your friends, dude, fuck her in a lot of ways. Fuck your friends. I don't know. I really should have Nia here for this

because that comes into that fucking female shit. You guys are just, you guys are rude and mean to each other on a fucking level that is just like... I don't even get it. I think it's because you guys don't solve shit physically the way guys do, you know, or the threat. Because with the guy, there's always that thing in the back that they have where you're thinking like,

this person can fucking punch me in the face. If I go too far here, I've got to watch what I'm going to say. And the fact that you guys don't have that, I, you know... I don't know. That made me feel really sad for you. None of that is fucking true, all right? Guys who just see you for your boobs and just want to fuck you, you know,

your boobs can actually help you. Because it can help you because there's other guys out there. There's just many people just want to fuck somebody else. They just want to fuck them. You know what I mean? You can see where they're looking, right? So you can speed date. Your titties are helping you out.

You know, I just stay single until you meet somebody that is worthy of you not being single. All right? And I like the fact that you don't hook up for a couple, two, three dates. That's a good fucking thing. And I would really just, you know, go out there and ask the questions you want to ask. And, you know, when you start getting the answers you're looking for,

that's the person that's worthy of your time. All right? Don't hang out with any more blunt fucking people. What a cunt. People can't handle me because I just say things. You know, you're a cunt. All right. Finally push back against sociopaths.

I'll spare you all the wonderful praise and whatnot. As you probably get the point, considering I listened to the podcast, I threw hot wax into the face and suit of the sociopath, which has fucked with me and abused a friend slash lovely ladies in my world. Through hot wax.

Is that some young way of saying that you verbally trash this person? Are we talking literally hot wax? I'll start by painting a picture of the guy. Imagine a grizzled looking flannel wearing stocky guy with a shitty grin standing about six foot. This guy is always such a cunt in every imaginable way. He's incredibly charismatic,

and that's what gets you. He's always sound so kind and loving, but underneath that is a manipulative asshole of the highest degree. Well, congratulations to you for figuring that out. Tell that to his various exes, which he's done the following to them. In cell, beat, watch them slit their wrists

on a FaceTime call while not intervening at all and then bragging about it to his friends. Jesus Christ, the list goes on and on. A favorite quote of mine from him is, I enjoy making her feel worthless. Sounds like he's in the company of men. You ever seen that movie?

This fucker is deranged, yet every month I hear the same shit from everyone. He's been a lot better recently, or he's improving or whatever else. Bullshit. People have been saying the same thing for months, not years, and I'm sick of it. What is worse is that he'll slip in the fact

that he has epilepsy in every possible scenario he can. Yes, it's a horrible condition, but all he does is talk about his seizures from the past to garner sympathy points. Yeah, okay, this guy is fucking... I will say the best thing, he is interesting. Actual encounter starts here. I couldn't be around this guy,

because I wouldn't want to kill this guy. We're closing with two cunts. One female, one male. Imagine if the two of them had a fucking kid? Jesus. Actual encounter starts here. I was at the prom with my girlfriend and decided to sit down with her.

During my time walking through, I decided to pick up a little candle to hold for her, and I just because... her and I, and just because why the hell not? It provides a bit of warmth. A minute or so after I sat down with her, the cunt walks over and stands in front of me, bends down, and blows it out.

Oh, my God. I'm starting to like this guy. What a fucking dick. I'm just laughing because I'm not a mo... If I was you, dude, I would... I was wondering how you were going to justify throwing hot wax. Now I'm excited now. He walks over and blows it out in front of your girlfriend.

Oh, my God. I'm not sure what snapped in me. Maybe it was the years of him being demeaning to me and my close friends and what, but I just took the candle and splashed all the hot wax in it on his tuxedo and face. Pretty much just throwing the shit on him. Oh, my God.

Please describe how much he screamed. Obviously, I now look like a fucking wacko, so I went to the bathroom with him and spent the next 15 minutes picking the shit out of his hair. Why did you do that? But I was, parentheses, and am happy nonetheless. Dude, you fucked me out of his reaction. I wanted to hear him scream like a girl.

Then you could have been Joe Pesci. You hear that? Is that a little girl down there? Why the fuck am I the only one who will stand up to this piece of shit? The amount of times I've told him to not be physical with smaller children because they'll learn from that is unbelievable. Was what I did warranted at all? Well, if what you're saying is true, absolutely.

What wasn't warranted is you cheating me and my listeners out of his fucking reaction. I hate that you went to the bathroom and helped him out. God, this guy's got to be a good-looking son of a bitch. Well, the obvious answer is no. All he did was blow your candle out. No, no, no, no, no. I'm agreeing with you.

Dude, this guy's so manipulative. He has you questioning what you did. Let's look at the bigger picture. He's physically and mentally abused my friends, me, and his former partners with little or no consequences thus far. The boy has to be put in his place at one point or another. Thoughts regarding my retarded actions. I think you need to buy some more candles

or stop hanging out with the guy. I love that you did it. I hate that you didn't describe his scream, and I also hate that you helped him pick it up. I'm in the fucking bathroom to pick it out himself, and when he came over and been like, what the fuck, just be like, what? You should have just said, you know, what was his quote?

I enjoy making her feel worthless. I'm sorry, but I just enjoy making you feel worthless. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Meanwhile, cut this guy out of your life, just like the previous woman. There's no reason to hang out with people like this, and there's two reasons why people do this. One is because they're up with that sort of dysfunctional behavior,

so it seems normal to them. So as much as you leave your parents' house going, you know, I'm not fucking repeating that, you gravitate towards the exact same abuse of shit, or you had such a wonderful loving home that you go out there like a babe in the woods and you're just not even ready. It's like when they take an animal from one part of the world

and it sticks it into a different part of the world and it doesn't know what predators to look out for in fucking three minutes. Anyways, I love that you threw wax on him. Good for you. Good on you. I'm not advocating anything like that, but I'm glad that you did it. So I can cover myself in case of lawsuit,

but that was phenomenal. I wouldn't have helped him. I actually got satisfaction out of that. That was what was missing from that previous woman's story. She should have dumped her fucking wine all over that fucking... You know? The chick with the small tits. Fucking ragging on her big tits.

Alright, anyways, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Wednesday. Info and forward on Proximus.be. Proximus. Think possible.