Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-27-16

Episode Date: June 27, 2016

Bill rambles about groups, barbershops and shit farms.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Money Podcast from Monday fucking June 27th. Joe, what the fuck? What happened to this month? My goodness. Where's it going? You know what? I think July 18th. That's my hot out, dude. I'm fucking out, dude. July 18th. I think we'll be wrapped. We'll be done with the writing of the 10 episodes of F is for Family. Then all we got to do is look at the drawings and edit them for the next fucking 10 months. But the heavy lifting will be out of the way. Would you guys like to know how an animated show works? Well, you sit in a room and you come up with fucking whatever. You figure out how the whole season is going to go, then you fucking write it, and then it changes like 50 fucking times. You rewrite, you rewrite, you rewrite, you record, you write more, you do table reads, you do all this fucking shit. Then once you get all of that done, what starts coming in is the animatics, which is basically the rough drawings of the shit that you recorded. And then you say, you know, why is he standing next to that chair? He should be over in the kitchen. You got to do all of that shit. He's not moving enough. Have him take his glasses off there. Have him fucking, you got to do all of that.

And then they fucking draw it, and then you look at it, and then it still might not be funny. And then you got to be like, all right, is what we wrote not funny or is the way it's executed here not funny? And that that's why it takes so fucking long. In case you're wondering, because you're like, oh shit, you recorded them and you wrote them. Why don't they just take out some magic markers and fucking put them on a piece of paper and then somebody stands there and they flip through it like they used to in the old days. That's what they used to do. They'd have somebody, the village idiot go up on stage with a giant fucking notebook, and he'd sit there going, just going through the thing. And people would sit there and they enjoy it. And the guy screwed up. They shot him because everybody had guns back then. At least that's the way it was in America. Speaking of America, what's going on in Ireland? I decided I was going to start looking to see what the fuck is going on in these countries that I'm going to be going to. Evidently, Martin O'Neill, Martin O'Neill, the Republic of Ireland's Martin O'Neill. They're Bill Belichick. He's fucking pissed because Ireland just lost to France in some game where you're not allowed to pick the ball up with your hands for whatever fucking reason. You figure if you're only allowed to use your feet or your hands. Well, let's say you use your fucking hands. I mean, there's no style of fighting where you just use your feet, right? Maybe Taekwondo, but they don't, you know, if you fucking come at them, they're still going to punch you in the nose, right? I just don't understand it.

I'm fucking with you. It's actually, it's a beautiful game. I went in to get my head fucking shaved the other day, right? And I went to this barbershop, a real barbershop. When were you walking and there's fucking men in there, right? Rubbing their hairy chest. There's men in there and you just fucking go in and you sit down until it's your fucking turn. Unlike these fucking goddamn hipster fucking things. They got the little fucking, what do you call that, barbershop, little swivel thing that goes around? To me, that says I can just walk in, right? And then you walk in. There's nobody here. Can you shave my head? Oh, dude, have an appointment? Dude, look at me. How long is it going to fucking take? You don't want to make an X of fucking 20 bucks? Huh? You don't? You go fuck yourself. You know, you fucking 28th president of the United States fucking haircut. Who is that, by the way? Who is the 28th president? Nobody ever talks about the 28th president. Let's look it up. Let's look it up.

28th president, if I had to guess, I'm going to say Grover Cleveland, 28th president. Calvin Coolidge. Oh, the cunt himself, Woodrow Wilson, Woodrow Wilson, who signed the fucking Federal Reserve Act. And we're all still paying for it today. You know, it's a good one to look up, Woodrow Wilson's letter of regret. What are the fucking odds I would have said that to send me down this conspiracy theory? Woodrow Wilson letter of regret. All right, where is it? Where is it? Did Woodrow Wilson regret handing America to the Federal Reserve? Woodrow Wilson after creating the Federal Reserve said, let's see, here we go. I have unwittingly ruined my country. I don't even know how to pronounce that word. So maybe he didn't.

All right, this is what he wrote. I am a most unhappy man. I have unwittingly ruined my country. A great industrial nation is controlled by its system of credit. Our system of credit is concentrated. See, they always got to write it so sophisticated. I can't even understand what the fuck they're talking about. Like that thing, Dwight D Eisenhower, when he gives that speech about the industrial military complex, I watch that over and over again. I have no fucking idea what he's talking about. Even it's explained to me before I watch the speech and by the end of it, I don't understand it. And I feel like he said it that way either because he was so fucking smart, he couldn't relate to the common man, which I don't understand because he had all those soldiers, or he said it that way because he had to say it in a way that he wouldn't get offed.

Right? I don't fucking know. Anyways, he said, the growth of the nation, therefore, in all their activities, are in the hands of a few men. This is a president. A former president wrote this. Okay? So I don't want to hear any of you guys say it all. Conspiracy theory. Go fuck yourself. It's just like when I told you that the NBA was fixed and then there was the mobbed up ref, and you guys all tried to wiggle out of it. And what did they say? Oh, yeah, there was just one of them. Oh, yeah, what's there? There was just one of them. All right, we have to come to, we have come to be one of the worst ruled, one of the most completely controlled and dominated governments in the civilized world. Loan longer a government by free opinion, no longer a government by conviction and the vote of the majority,

but a government by the opinion and duress of a small group of dominant men. Well, there you go. He still didn't quite fucking say what he did. Jesus Christ. Oh, God, they got, they got fucking, you know what they did? Woodrow, they put woody from chairs, their version of chairs, or their version of woody from fucking chairs, they put them in the office. What am I even talking about right now? I didn't want to talk about this. I was talking about soccer. How the fuck do I go from soccer to that? So anyways, it's Martin O'Neill, who I would not fuck with. Some of it on Irish Brogue and those fucking glasses, you know, you know, just somehow he'd chop you to the throat. He said they got the short straw when they played France for whatever fucking reason.

Oh, I never even finished the story, so I wanted to get my fucking head shaved and they had that European champion was, championship was on, the highlights, the whole fucking, everybody in there was into the game, so I automatically got into it. So I hope you guys know I'm just fucking with you when it comes to that. It's just that when the world loves something as a comedian, it's just so easy to make fun of it and to get the feedback that you want, which is totally people losing their minds, typing at you in all capital letters, it's just fun. So anyways, for some reason, France got an extra three days to rest their tired legs in their swollen feet before they got to play the little footy game again. And Ireland didn't like it. You know what's funny? The guy, the guy like trashes him and says, you know, he got fucked over three days is an incredible amount of time. One side could have as an advantage over another.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That said, France, France are a really, really fine team and good luck to them in the tournament. I love that shit after you fucking trash him. It was completely unfair. Go fuck yourself. But I haven't said that you got a hell of a team there. Go E.T. Go good luck to you there, matey. All right, Irish news headlines. What's going on in Ireland? Roy Foster. Britain cosigned a margins by the stupid party. I don't know what that means. Mary Robinson. That's not a real name. Mary Robinson. Is that an alias? Brexit could have a domino effect. What the fuck is Brexit? Isn't this shit Trump got in trouble for?

That's what I loved about Trump this week when he fucking went to Scotland and he goes, yeah, just like Scotland, we're going to take our country back because I guess Scotland was voting about whether they still wanted to be a part of the European Union. And Scotland overwhelmingly agreed to stay part of it evidently. I don't know. And Trump went there and didn't know it. And I was reading like what everyone was saying. And it was, you know, Trash and Donald Trump and it was so similar to what people write to me every week. John Sally isn't dead, you fucking moron. I said the wrong name. I didn't mean John Sally, you know. What do you want from me? All right, former president. President of what? Mary Robinson. She was president of Ireland. You know, she's a lovely lady. I vote for her. When the fuck was she president?

Former president, Mary Robinson has said that young people in the UK must feel very let down by the outcome of the Brexit referendum. And she appealed to the EU to remember its core values. What other vague shit did she say? Jesus Christ, can you help out an American here? What the fuck's going on over there? Christ, is this some bullshit I have to know when I go over there? Some sort of referendum. Should the United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union or leave the European Union? What's going on with the European Union, the EU? What happened? You guys formed a supergroup and now all the egos are getting in the way? What happened? How Greece's fucking economy went down and all of a sudden it's fucking with you guys? You never do that. Never join a fucking group. Take it from a complete loner who does stand up, right?

You don't join a group. You know what I mean? You use a group. OK, what do you guys do? Oh yeah, you cater parties. All right, I'm having a party. I don't want to join your party operation. I'd like you to come over here and tie some balloons to some fucking lampposts. Could you do that? And how much would that cost? And here's your check and get out of my life. That's how you do it. Why the fuck would you go, hey, it's actually amazing that they got it done. You know what I mean? Considering all the fucking wars they've had over the years, you know, fascism, communism, fucking whatever the fuck we're called. I don't know what the fuck we are. How the fuck did they do all that? Why did they do all that? That just all comes down to bankers. What was wrong with having the pound and then the fucking Ireland had the chilele, right?

What they have in Sweden. I don't know what the fuck they had. Some sort of thing. A little design, a little shfinkter. I don't fucking know. I don't understand why everybody has to get in bed with everybody else. It's going to be better. It's going to create more jobs. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. It's just going to make the people at the top make more fucking money. It's just like, you know, can we have more people to fucking the ass? Can we have some of your people? What if we combined all the people, right? We fucking microchipped them. We phased out fucking money. What if we did that, right? And everything's on your little microchip here, right? People getting mugged in the future is going to be fucking hilarious. It's going to be some fucking nerdy kid getting dragged in by a football player. You're going to grab a bunch of Dr. Peppers and some fucking Zagnit bars, and then they're going to grab the nerd's wrist and fucking just keep swiping it.

Making them pay for all this shit, right? If you're fucking rich, you can't even go out of the fucking house. Someone's going to grab you and take you to a Lexus dealership to have a fucking... Just grab the guy and just fucking just start scanning him. Oh, that'd be great. You know, it's not going to happen. You're going to have like 50... Oh my God, there's going to be some shit going down. If you're going to have a microchip in your fucking body that has every fucking cent you ever earned that you didn't blow on fucking Bud lights and hookers, doesn't that make you like... What's going to stop somebody from just coming up and just sucker punching you and then carving your fucking microchip out of your arm, right? And then it's like they got an extra life and then they just have this fucking thing and they just start running around with tweezers just scanning a bunch of shit. Why wouldn't they just... You know what they're going to do? They'll fucking chop your arm off, right?

And then fucking hide your body, okay? You know, like how they used to do that like allegedly the Westies. They chopped some guys' arm off and then they would go around committing murders and then they'd take the arm out of the fridge and they'd put the fingerprints on the gun. And then they just put the arm back in the fridge. If you get past the fucking humanity, you know, it's really brilliant. And slash borderline fucking hilarious. Man, I bet those guys could tell a story. Jesus Christ, you know, the shit they did. Horrible shit, but Jesus, you have to be a funny bastard on some fucking level. I know you're out of your mind, but there is something fucking hilarious about that. You know, and then the cops, you know when they were drinking, the cops are just like, that's fucking guy you struck again. You know, they would laugh and go, dude, you realize we're inventing a serial killer and they'd all be sitting there laughing their balls off.

And then at some point the laughter would die down as they then realized like, wait a minute, we're kind of serial killers. Well, we're all doing it. It's a group effort, you know? It's not like it's one person, so yeah, you know, whatever. Motor and other Jameson. Anyways, I have no fucking idea what I'm talking about. I have no idea what's going on in the world and I evidently I need to learn it. I need to learn it before, you know, I go to Scotland, they start handing up fuck those signs, you know, Trump is a cunt. I just, all of that shit. Donald Trump is fucking, he's back to being fucking hilarious again to me because I know he's not going to win. He's not going to win. The whole world can fucking relax. Everybody knows Hillary's getting it, okay?

And what's funny is everybody's going to relax like, oh, thank God we dodged that fucking bullet. Like Hillary isn't a fucking banker's wet dream coming down like a fucking freight train. Now, Jesus, she better not get elected. I'm going to fucking audit it. Do you want to times I've trashed her? Oh my God. Oh, God, that fucking, some of the shit I want to say, I can't fucking say it because in this day and age, you just cannot say that you understand why a certain person did what he did. Jesus Christ, just coming home to that fucking air raid siren every fucking, can you at least fucking, you know, doll yourself up a little bit. Jesus Christ with the fucking, the paper chase look over here. I mean, what was the guy supposed to do? I'm just kidding. Bill Clinton would fuck a hole in a tree. And he would do it with his fucking pants down with this fucking secret service standing with their backs to him like five feet away.

They could literally feel the wind of his hips as he was pumping the tree. Guys, an animal. Day in and fucking day out. That guy is a fucking animal. God, you know what? God bless him. God bless him. You know, it's just how he's wired. Do you guys ever see that episode of cheaters? Remember that show that catch people cheating, right? And that lady cut the fuck. Can anybody find this clip for me? This lady Southern Bell. She catches her fucking redneck guy stepping out on her, right? And this fucking guy, she, you know, he was supposed to be embarrassed, but he was hammered. She's like, oh my God, you fucking piece of shit. How could you do this?

And she's, you know, slapping. How the fuck did you do this? And he goes, well, honey, did it ever dawn on you? Then maybe just maybe I was tired of fucking you and I wanted to fuck someone else. And he said it. His delivery of that epic line was just, it was like he was saying like, like, hello, you know, fucking get your shit together. The fucking answers right here. Like he said it was such, he was putting it on her. It was one of the, one of the more amazing things I've seen a human being do in that situation. You know what I mean? Anyways, let me get back to the fucking, what's going on here in Scotland? What's going on here? Oh, by the way, so Belgium has been added. Germany has been added.

Even though, you know, I'm making, I think they're paying me like with a couple of steins of beer, which I don't give a fuck. I just want to go over there. I want to, I'm that close. You know, I'm going to do Germany, some weird fucking town I never heard of. And then I'm driving over to Belgium and I'm not doing, what the fuck, what's the fucking capital of Brussels? I don't fuck it. What is it? No, it is Brussels, right? Of Belgium, Brussels, right? Sorry, I'm doing like 20 things here. I just realized I never found out who the fuck Mary Robbins was. Jesus Christ, she must have been a great, she looks honest as the fucking days long. Mary Robbins said, for president. Oh, yeah, tell you, she's good as a button, but I wouldn't want to cross her to fucking Shelele Field.

Is that what you guys said over there? What the fuck is a Shelele bill? You don't know. All right, Mary Robbins said, Mary, Mary, Mary. Oh, Jesus, that's an unfortunate fucking picture. Jesus Christ, has she ever used conditioner in her life? Her fucking hair looks like the Hollywood Hills right before they catch on fire. Did the Santa Ana winds come out of her fucking hairdryer? Oh, I thought she was dead. She's not dead, is she? In office from 1969 to 1989. She's 72 years old. She's got three kids. Wait a minute, wait a minute, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary. In the back of a Jameshentruck. I don't have time to read all of this. Presidency. All right, open the fucking link, you cunt.

Robinson was inaugurated as the seventh president of Ireland. Well, how many fucking, how long do you stay in office? Seven presidents since caveman days? She proved a remarkably popular president earning the praise of Brian Linehan himself. Well, shit, if Brian says it, well, then fuck, you know, before his death five years later. Sorry, Brian and the Linehan family said that she was a better president than he ever could have been. Oh, that was the guy that went after you kind of like this fucking her. All right, I'm sorry. She was great. That was every fucking accent over there. Okay, she took an office that had a reputation as being little more than a retirement position for a prominent politician and breathe new life into the role.

How is that a retirement position? You're president of Ireland. Oh, God, I got some questions when I get over there. Brian fucking Linehan. Let's see what Brian Linehan looked like. Yes, you get old, you really want to see what people look like to figure out why they died. Brian Linehan. Brian Linehan. Let's see what he looks like. Let's see the old, give me the, you fucking in shape cunt. Come on, man, you're supposed to have the heart attack face.

Oh, that's not the guy. Cleo, did you just fart? Hang on a second. What the fuck is the guy's name here? Brian Linehan. He died five years ago. Actually, the guy I just looked up was from Canada. I still have a chance here that this guy was, oh my God. Do I have to hit fucking pause to find this again? All right, presidency.

Brian Linehan. All right, there it is. Brian Linehan. Come on, you cunt. Ireland. Ireland. Oh, the Emerald Isle. Okay, there we go. Let's see what this fucking dead son of a bitch, oh, there it is. Oh, yeah. That's a heart attack face if I ever saw, I'm saying heart attack. I'm going heart attack.

He died on my birthday. Was an Irish and a barrister. What the fuck is that? Does that mean he sings while he tends bar? Death. Just get to death. Died. Okay, he died then. Oh, God, this better not be a disease. Come on, I say heart attack, heart attack. Nice and quick.

Pancreatic cancer, 52. Fuck, I'm to 48. Jesus Christ, all right, let's get off this fucking subject. My condolences to the Linehan family. Anyways, such a fucking, it's a fucking worst. I got a buddy of mine. This is something too. I'm going to be doing a benefit coming up. I just have to figure out how to put it together. I got a really good friend of mine.

His wife just got cancer for the second time and they're getting fucking buried in bills. So I'm going to put together a show out here in LA and all the proceeds are going to go to that. All right, I'm sorry. I thought it was going to be something. Heart attack is fucking funny, right? You just stand in there, hey, Bill, you want another egg? Actually, whenever you drop dead, people laugh at first because they think you're fucking around.

Like, wow, man, he really committed to that fucking face plant. Bill? All of a sudden you're just laying there. I'm sorry. Oh, last week, I recommended that you guys go to the All Things Comedy website for all these great podcasts and videos and all this shit. So, of course, these fucking millennials, they get there and they just stare at it. They're fucking overwhelmed. So they're like, can you at least tell me a couple of podcasts that you like

that maybe I can look at because I can't do anything myself? All right, last week, Ari Shafir from the Skeptic Tank podcast did a podcast with comedian. Oh, I'm going to butcher this name. Hormose Rashidi. That's how I'm saying it. About the Middle East. It's hilarious and informative.

This dude was born in Iran. So rather than listening to Bill O'Reilly talk about the Middle East, even though he's never fucking been there, or fucking will fucking blitzer, all these talking heads with their books, you know, and their lines of suits, right? From the Bill O'Reilly collection. From the, this is a wolf blitzer tie, right?

Whatever the fuck it is that they do to get their extra whore money, you know? Who do you think has a better walk-in closet? Bill O'Reilly or Wolf Blitzer, you know, though they're fucking shiny loafers, you know, set just so, you know? All their suits all lined up. Their pocket squares and all of that shit. You know what I mean? They fucking take you downstairs to the wine cellar

and show you these bottles of wine that are fucking hundreds of years old. You see that? Look at that. Look at that. I get this for lying every day on television. Isn't that amazing? Come on. You do coke? You want to do some coke? All right, I'm just down. I figured I'd ask. You know, the wife does. Wife's got a rule.

No coke on the fucking main floor. Anyways, I was speaking to my wife. Oh, let me tell you, my wife is a rough one, you know? I got this new thing that I'm into, man. And you'd think it wouldn't be a big deal. I like fucking tennis and golf shirts. I like them. They're comfortable. They're breathable. It's a college shirt.

People let you into restaurants when you wear them, and she fucking hates them. I like the eyes on tennis wear. So today I'm walking out of the house to go meet a buddy of mine, and I got one of those on, and I got these fucking, I got these Phil Mickelson shorts, whatever the fuck they are, just, they're just black shorts or whatever. So as I'm walking out, I go, all right, Nia, I'll see you later. She goes, all right. She goes, till Tiger Woods, they said, what's up?

She fucking hates how I dress. And this is one of these things where, you know, as much as you want to remain your own person when you're in a relationship, when you, the person you fucking says you're not, you don't look good, it affects you. But there's some, I have, this is how comfortable these fucking shirts are. I don't think I give a shit. I think for the first time ever, I don't care that my wife doesn't approve of what the fuck I'm wearing. They are that fucking comfortable.

You never have to iron them. They're great. They're fucking great. So I was, I was at the mall there. I really should fucking, this is just like free advertising for all these fucking people. What's the shit that the honor roll student wears? What's it called body armor? Yeah, we're not taking that shit in our house, clothes, whatever, it's over the top fucking sports thing.

Armor wear, underarm, whatever the fuck it is, you know what it is, defense shields, some fucking space odyssey shit, you know the fucking thing, the thing that Steph Curry wears. It's not underarm, under armor. That's what it is, underarms, the owner of it, under armor, right? They got some fucking, they got some great clothes. So I knew, I knew she didn't like that shit because I said to her for my birthday, I go, I don't fucking need anything.

You know what I would love though? The summer's here. And the time is right for wearing some golf clothes. So I told her that, you know, I told her she'd give me a couple of those shirts and pairs of shorts and I'll be fine. I'll be good. She's like, oh yeah, and usually she's such into fashion, she gets excited when I tell her the clothes and, you know, my fucking birthday comes along and I got to tell you, there was not a hint of any of that shit.

So I called her on it like a couple of days ago. I said, hey, you know, I noticed, you know, I asked you for those things. They're not expensive. You were right there and it was an easy, it was an easy gift to get me to pad, you know, make it look like you actually spent time shopping, you know, just why I always go when I get a little some workout clothes. That's always the next thing you go right there, friend. You give them a couple more and it looks like you give a shit, you know,

more than you, yeah, not saying you don't give a shit, but who the fuck wants to shop? Nobody. All right. I don't want to do it. Therefore, nobody wants to do it. That's how, that's my worldview. Okay. I'm really starting to learn from Trump. If I feel something, then everybody else also feels it. And if they don't, then we should ram it down their throats. It's somewhere in there. We take their coats.

Isn't that how it works? Have you ever seen a guy like less tough in your life, talk so fucking tough? Like, I don't know. I don't understand. Like he's mistaking having money with actually being physically intimidating with that stupid scowl on his face. I don't know. If like Gene Simmons had a brother that didn't make it,

that wasn't in a band, that's what he looks like. He looks like he's related to Gene Simmons and he resents Gene's success. Anyways, plowing ahead here. So my wife fucking hates this shit. I called her on it. I was just going like, you didn't like that stuff, did you? She just fucking started smiling, looking down at her food. And I was over there today and I was going to stop and go in and buy some. And I didn't.

And the only reason why I didn't is because it's Sunday and it's a mall. And that's just like, I don't know. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is about the weekends and malls. I understand kids going there. Teenagers going there. Because then you run into other teenagers and you fucking go like, hey, will you go out with me?

Right? You do that shit. At least that's what we did when we were of that age. But like parents, I just don't understand why would you go there? Especially if you got like some little kid and you got to fucking push him around that goddamn stroller trying to weave in and out of all those people. I just can't imagine the fucking misery of that. You know, that's definitely a wife idea. You know, we should go to the mall today.

I don't want to go to the mall. You know, I have all these theories as to why men die before women. And you know what it is? Women have to include you in their shitty day. You know, I fucking... It was my sister-in-law's birthday this weekend, right? So we ended up going to a movie. I was all excited.

We saw, what did we see? We saw Independence Day. Woo! It was actually so bad. It was good. We actually ended up having a great time. And I don't want to ruin the movie, like the fact that the white guy president has to come back,

you know, and get shit done is a little fucked up. You know, Hollywood tries to be liberal. You know, they'll have a chick president. They'll have a black guy flying a fucking jet and all that type of shit. But at the end of the day, they bring back the old founding father to come in and save the day. Anyway, so I had a great time doing that, right? So the next night, you know, my wife's going to go meet some friends.

I think it was actually, it was a continuation of the birthday celebration and I was actually tired, so I wasn't going to go. So I was just like, you know what, I'm going to hang in. I have a ton of shit to do because, you know, I sit in a writer's room all fucking day. So she goes, fine, cool. I'm like, great, this is perfect. I'll get a bunch of shit done and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that type of stuff. So right around the time, it's time for her to go, right?

And I'm about ready to have a beer or anything. And she just goes, can you drive me over? She didn't say it like that, but that's what she probably said. Honey, can you drive me over? But like, because I didn't want to do it, that's what it sounded like. And I was just like, you can't, why don't you drive yourself over? And she's just like, so I go full fucking Uber. She's like, but I want you to take me, you know?

And I just went like, why can't, you know, I'm home. Why do you got to dream? You're the one who's going across fucking town. You're going across town. Why do I got to go across town too? You know why you fucking know why. So at the end of the fucking day, if they have something shitty to do, they can't do, they can't fucking do it on their own.

Somehow you got to be, that's like when they have a fucking kid now. They drag the husband in there. What the fuck is he doing in there? What the fuck is he doing in there? He's not a doctor. Do you know, I know a guy went in there and he fucking saw what was going on. He passed out. Now they got two patients.

The fuck is that, you know? Well, if I have to go through this. Well, fucking talk to God. Talk to God for once. For once. For once. The shit ran your way. And now I got to go in there too.

So you can hold my fucking hand and break my goddamn finger. That's fucking, that is the de facto fucking men gave into that shit. That you got to fucking be in there. If you were getting fucking gallbladder surgery, would I be standing in there holding your fucking hand? I don't know. But I guess if fucking him gave him gallbladders, I don't know. That gallbladders, kidney stones or some shit, I guess you'd have to be. That's the dumbest shit in the fucking, it's the stupidest shit ever.

My wife has talked. If we have every kid, are you going to go in there? I was like, no. She got so fucking mad at me. Over a hypothetical child. You know, if I was smarter, I just would have said, I'm getting smarter though. If I was smarter, smart married guys go, I'll be right here. If there was a way to put the baby in me, I would fucking shit it out my ass.

Did anything for you, sweetheart? Right? Oh, I'm getting heated here, right? I'm getting smarter though as a married man, because I'll tell you this right now. The other, when we went to go see the movie, I got there first, okay? And I got there, it was a seven o'clock show, I got there by like 6.30. And I was like, fuck, you know, I got time. Maybe it was a place to get a sandwich, I didn't want to eat movie food.

So I got a wrap, and then they fucking had a beer too. And by the way, every fucking time I order this, this beer from Mexico, it fucking sucks. I'm not saying all their beer stinks, but I got to tell you. Oh, let me tell you, that fucking beer stinks. I'm going to get you the name of this, right? Fucking, this is going to be a reverse commercial. There it is. What the fuck is that shit called?

Madello? Hang on a second, I think that's what it's called. It is the fucking most bitter, hoppy fucking... It's like a job trying to get the thing down, but it was still a beer. So at the end of the day, it's not all bad. So I'm sipping this beer, I'm having this sandwich. I got plenty of time to eat it, I'm fucking relaxed. My wife, the lovely Nia, she texts me.

She goes, hey, I'm almost there. And I, like a dope, I started to text. Hey, I'm already here, I'm having a sandwich and a beer. Okay? Now this is the deal for all you youngsters out there. One of the things women hate the most is when their guy is having fun without them. All right? So Annie, fucking time, you're having a good time and they're not there.

You gotta, how's it going? Hey, you know, it's kind of crowded. You'll always say it sucks. Okay? If you're having a good time and they're not there. It's fine. You're gonna have to fucking deal with that shit, right? This is the thing, my wife is cool as it gets.

All right? I still have to go through this shit. So I almost fucking texted her. I'm sitting here having a wrap, enjoying a fucking beer, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then, you know what? I was like, what the fuck am I doing? If I say this, she's gonna then say, can you get me one? Or she's gonna tell me to go over and go get the fucking tickets.

She's gonna give me a job. There's no fucking way she's gonna allow me to just sit here and relax and enjoy this sandwich and this beer that I fucking paid for. I've worked all fucking day. What am I, a fucking asshole? So I just erased all of it. And rather than saying all of that, you know, I'm on my way over here. Oh, I'm sitting here having a sandwich and a beer. I erased all of that and I just wrote, okay, send.

That was it. I didn't say I was there. I didn't say I wasn't there. And I sat there and I enjoyed it, even though that beer was not my favorite. And then I ended up walking over. And I ran into my sister-in-law and then I, and then like a dope, I text my wife going, yeah, I'm just, you know, I'm here with your sister-in-law, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then she immediately texts back, okay, buy the tickets. Immediately fucking, here's a job for you.

Here's a fucking job. You know, and she always goes, well, I'm just trying to streamline our lives. No, you're not. No, you're not. You're treating me like you're fucking assistant. 37 minutes. Holy fuck. What am I doing here?

So that's one for you. Okay. This is what you do. You kiss them. You tell them you love them. You tell them they're beautiful every fucking day, but I tell you this, okay? When you're having a good time and they're not there, you never, ever tell them you're having a good time. No fucking pictures.

None of that shit because they will sit there and they'll either, you'll sit there. You'll be that guy. You know that guy on the, while everybody's having a good time, the guy in the corner who's on the phone talking to his girl. Why is he talking to his girl? Because he told her he was having fun. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Get your fucking head in the game. All right.

By the way, the Australian, Austrian Grand Prix is coming up this Sunday. All right? Because I'm going fucking nuts right now. No hoop, no hockey, no football. It's driving me fucking crazy. And the fucking goddamn Dodgers struck up some fucking deal with, I don't know who, I don't, I don't know where their games are. I don't even know if they fucking exist anymore.

I can never watch a Dodgers game. Sucks. All right. So anyways, here we go. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. All right, everybody.

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That's DollarShaveClub.com. DollarShaveClub.com. All right. Here's a new advertiser. Frambridge. Frambridge. Is that how you say it? Frambridge?

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Just go to Frambridge.com, promo code BR. Hey! Frambridge.com, promo code BR. All right, we got two more here. MVMT watches. When you're in your early 20s and 30s, money can be tight. It sells a lot of other stuff. Gross, Bill.

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MVMTwatches.com. And lastly, but not leastly. Stamps.com. They got the quickest and the tightest fucking copy in the advertising game. Watch how quickly this goes. Trips to the post office have become second nature to you. They seem easy because you've been doing your mailing and shipping that way for so long. But think about all the hassle, man.

Dropping what you're doing, driving there, finding parking, waiting. There's a much better way. Stamps.com. Stamps.com is the easy and convenient way to get postage right from your desk. Buy and print official U.S. posts or using your own computer and printer. They make it easy to get exact postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail. The instant you need it, no expensive postage meters to lease and no more trips to the post office.

You got to try it. I use it anytime I send out my posters. Emma Moran, if I can figure out so can you. So sign up for Stamps.com and use my last name, Burr, a special four-week trial offer plus $110 bonus offer that includes postage and a digital scale. Do not wait. Go to Stamps.com. Before you do anything else, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage.

You type in Burr. That's Stamps.com. Enter Burr. All right. Mercifully, that's over. The advertising is over. All right. Where the fuck is the Reads for this week?

Okay. Lab grown food. All right. I'm wondering if you've heard of lab grown meats. Basically, scientists have figured out a way to make plants taste like meat. Why are they fucking with the food supply? I don't understand what they're doing. This could eliminate our need to raise and kill millions of cows a year

and help stop the ass gas coming from these cows from continuing to ruin our planet. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I like the idea of it. Here's an example from the article. The impossible burger is more than just peas and carrots smashed together. It's the result of some pretty high-tech research. Brown's team analyzes meat at a molecular level to determine what makes a burger taste, smell, and cook the way it does. He wants his burger to be squishy while raw.

Gross. Then firm up and brown on the grill. He believes everything from an animal's fat tissue to muscle cells can be replicated using plant compounds. Before starting the company, Brown had a hunch that a certain ingredient made meat taste different than other foods. I had a strong suspicion early on that H-E-M-E hem would be the magic ingredient for flavor. Not hemp, said Brown.

Here's a link to the whole article. Would you eat this? Thanks. Come back to Boston. No, I try not to fuck with that type of shit. No, I would not eat that. If I want meat, I eat meat. If I want ice cream, I get ice cream. I don't get low-fat ice cream.

I don't try to eat ice cream that doesn't make me fat because you're going to pay the price somehow. All right? And the reason why there's so many fucking cows shitting and farting into the fucking air is because there's so many people. The problem, time and time again, there's too many fucking people. That is the fucking problem. So, okay, we all switch to these fucking plants.

Then what are we going to do? Then we're going to need all this water to grow all these fucking plants. We are too much of a fucking burden on the natural resources of this planet. We need to thin the fucking herd. That's the deal. That's it. Everybody, if you want a kid, you have one, two at the fucking most. So, you know, you're not creating more people than there is you.

Right? Would that work out? No, that wouldn't work out because then if they both have two, then you created two people and who then go create two each. No, it keeps getting bigger. One kid, right? Everybody has one kid. Two creates one.

Another two meet and they create one. That's the only way to reverse fuck our way out of this thing. And if you never have kids, you ought to get some sort of massive tax break. I think that that's what you should do. So then scientists don't have to sit around and like, you know, well, you know, at some point there's going to be no more steak because there's going to be too many fucking people, you know. I don't want to live on a planet with no steak, you know.

And I would like to go back to just the way cows just sort of ran around, chickens ran around. I don't know why you just gave me all right there for it. As opposed to having miserable lives, you know. I don't know. Anyways, let's plow ahead. I don't know how I feel about the whole, I fucking love animals and I hate when people torture them and treat them like shit and all that.

I also like eating them. I love chicken. I love steaks. I love fish. I like all that shit. So like, you know, if we could just get somebody to get out from underneath these corporation cunts and just get everybody on the same page and be like, look, this is what we're doing.

Okay. This is the problem. This is what everybody needs to do to try to at least keep it at bay. You know, but there's none of that. You know what I mean? It's just, I don't know. It doesn't come from the right fucking people. All right.

Fuck. Hey, Mr. Burr. How do I get through this college shit? I'm currently taking anatomy and physiology one in the summer since I failed it and it fucking blows ass. Well, why are you taking it? Did you ever feel like when you were going to college, you just couldn't do it because maybe there was that one class that was impossible to pass?

If so, how did you get through it? You know, it's hard for me to even imagine passing this class ever getting a... I don't know what that is. I can't even say it. K-I-N-E-S-I-ology. Kinesiology degree? Sam Kinesiology? Sam Kinesin degree.

Thanks. By the way, I saw on your Wikipedia page that you died and I felt horrible. I know you don't care, but just thought I'd tell you. Oh, well, you know, that's good. Well, I guess I don't have to pay taxes. Anyways, do you ever think that you're in the wrong major or maybe you're in the wrong school? Life shouldn't be that fucking hard, dude.

It's not like you're dumb if you're taking these kinds of classes. I would say that the turning point in my college career was when I decided that I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. And I still wanted to get a college degree for whatever reason. It was important to my parents and, I don't know, I just wanted to be a college graduate. I don't know why. So I got out of the college that I was at and I transferred to Emerson College, which was more of a performance school and people made movies and it was acting and radio and all of this shit.

And all of a sudden my grades went up because I was doing shit that I was into. But there was a couple of fucking classes that just sucked. There's always going to be a couple of those. How do you get through them? You know what you do? Don't blow it off because if it's already hard, you get three days behind in that thing. It's going to be like being a month behind for you. So what I would do is I would just stay on that shit and just be like, all right, plus dude, taking it over the summer is a joke, dude.

It's practically impossible. You know, I was so old by the time I fucking graduated college that like, man, I transferred to Emerson. I was like, I was almost 23 years old and I was still just beginning my sophomore year. I transferred there in January of whatever year. By December of the following year, I had done three years of college. I just fucking, I just, I just said, fuck this. And I did, I finished my sophomore year, the January to April and then in the summer, I picked up a semester. So I finished that.

Then the next year was my junior year and then I went to summer school again, picked up another semester and then the following fall was my second semester, my senior year and that was it. I gave it the old right there friend and fucking out of here. But what you have to do is when you're going straight through like that, or if you're doing like the summertime shit is you got to stay on it. Just treat it like a fucking job. It's actually a good exercise. It's something that sucks. It's something that you hate and you just, you know, rather than running from just turn around and face it and get through it.

If this is the degree you want. But sometimes if it's that fucking hard, it means that you're a square peg trying to go into a round hole and you need to go after what you really want to fucking do. Because, you know, when you do what you want to do, you have a passion for it and it's, it's easy. Chief Hill, that was original. Well, whatever that, that did fit. That advice fit. All right. Would you consider a Vegas residency?

Dear Cunty McCunface, at this point in your career, if offered, would you accept a comedy residency in Las Vegas? Or would you be offended as there's plenty of life in that old dog yet? If not, how bad would you, your career have to be going before you accepted and which hotel would you like to work in? Next time you come to Australia, play a gig in Adelaide, I don't know. We're not all backwards fucks. I mean, I never thought you were. Take it easy, you cunt. Would I do that?

Well, I couldn't. Well, if I didn't have efforts for family or anything like that. I don't think that that's for me. I think my act would dry up if I just stayed in the same venue. Having said that, the way you're framing that gig as if it's a sad thing that happens to comedians, dude, those are multimillion dollar contracts. And anybody who's ever done one of those, as long as they didn't go to the crap table after their show every night, rides off into the sunset like with bags and bags of cash. That's just something that I have no interest in at this point in my career in doing. I still like traveling and that type of stuff.

I do have to tell you though, if it just wasn't Vegas, it just, that town does nothing for me. Just sitting there in the fucking desert, I would go nuts. But I do have to say that, you know, if I could, you know, all of a sudden just get off the road. I totally understand why comedians do that after a while. All right, so there you go. All right, and I'll tour your fucking town. I'll try to get close to it next time, all right? Okay, Bill, getting people you hate fired.

All right, this already sounds evil. Hey, Bill, love your shit. I'm almost 30, mistakes are made, and now I work at a shit factory. I shovel literal shit with a payloader for about 10 hours a day, which isn't so bad, but it's made worse by my terrible coworkers. It's a small operation. Everyone is about twice my age. And for the most part, they are pretty average blue collar guys.

We all hate our boss and his yes man, Aaron boy, about Aaron boy. He's the kind of guy who is always right done his way, run and tell the boss what the rest of us are doing. Rat bastard type. All right. He's also the kind of guy who says the n word to let the rest of us know he's a no guff taking no shit's given type of guy. He's not. He's white as the driven snow and think he's Indian because he purchased a t shirt at Walmart and with wolves on it. Dude, this is fucking pretty random so far.

Well, today I took my stand. I snitched to human resources. Oh, you fucking rat bastard. He goes, I told them how one black employee knows Aaron boy a racist. Dude, you're punk. You have no punctuation in this. This is the you know, I didn't like how in the beginning you just fucking played the victim like I'm almost 30 mistakes were made and I work at a shit factory like you just glossed over all your stuff. And then you're saying you got terrible coworkers.

Well, what about what about you? You're fucking awful punctuation here. Mistakes were made mistakes are continuing to be made sir. All right, let me try to get through that. I told him how one our one black employee knows Aaron boys a racist and that he's pissed. I also told them about the weird sexual shit. He says like fisting his girlfriend. All of this is true.

And the guy's a complete asshole who knows the boss won't fire him and he takes a complete advantage of that by making our lives hell. Is this like animal house? Is the guy's name Neeter Meyer? Anyway, I come home and smoke some weed because that's what you do when you shovel shit. And now I'm feeling shitty myself. I hate the guy and I really hate my boss, but sure enough human resources called me and I could sense their panic. My money's on their fire on their firing him. Everyone else at work wants him gone and is hoping he gets fired.

But now I'm starting to feel bad. He's an asshole who I hate and I feel like I'm sticking it to the man, but that I go too far. I don't I'm not big on ratting people out to be honest with you. Was there a way that you could have gone to him and just said, hey, listen, not for nothing. I don't want to listen to you dropping the N word. You know, and I don't want to listen to you talking about fisting your girlfriend that has nothing to do with the job. Okay. And then he would make your life unbelievably and and then I would that's what you should have done.

You should kind of come in. All you guys should have just approached him. Right. Like Mickey Rourke at the end of Pope's of Greenwich Village. Cause tape. I took off a fucking dead cop. Right. You just come up to him and just say, listen, here's the deal.

Okay. You're still our supervisor, but no longer you dropping the N word and no longer you talking about fisting your girlfriend around us. We don't want to hear it anymore. You understand us? If you do, we're going to human resources. All right. A fucking creepy name. Human resource.

So fucking disgusting. Yeah. That's what you should have done. But you know what? You live and you learn this guy sounds like a cunt though. You know what I mean? Just do that in the future. Oh, and then you could say, and by the way, if you try to get any of us fired, that's going down too.

So basically what we're saying is you've lost all control to intimidate us now, but we'll still do what you say as long as you're not a cunt. All right. Go fuck yourself. Run along. Why don't you do that? You like what I just pitched there? That's like when the cast of friends all got together and negotiated together. Right.

They got their money. You could do that at your shit factory. All right. I'm off the booze. Hey, Billy. Blunts. After hearing you talk about drying out, you really inspired me to do the same. I drink entirely too much right now.

After about eight days of daily commitment, I'm up to about a half a fifth a day with the odd beer mixed in. Wait, I thought you said. After about eight years of daily commitment, I thought it was eight days. I thought he was like drying out and then all of a sudden he's boozing that confused me. All right. After eight years of daily commitment, I'm up to about half a fifth a day with an odd beer mixed in. I know it's a lot, but I've worked up my tolerance so much that I don't really get drunk anymore. I just lose an hour here and there.

No big deal, right? Yeah, that's called blacking out. Anyways, I was able to quit smoking weed after five years of heavy daily use. No problem. I was even able to quit using oxy cotton. Jesus. After about three years of eating and sniffing pills all damn day, I've been able to maintain a normal life while going through these ups and downs.

I'm married with a kid and a house and a great job. If you make more than a million dollars, I probably manage your retirement account. But despite being able to put the hard shit down, booze has been the hardest so far. Last week, I decided to jump off the wagon with you. It's been hard as hell, but I've been able to stick to it better than I ever had. I'm trying to limit beers to two a day and only drink liquor on the weekends. I've slipped once, but I'm doing my fucking best. I don't have a question, more of a request.

Please keep us updated on your progress. It's helping me with my own journey because none of my friends really drink at all, much less the way I do. And my wife doesn't even know the extent of my issue, which is an issue on its own. Yeah, it is. It makes my struggle a bit easier to hear you having the same troubles as I have with sticking to my resolution. Thanks for giving me the kick in the ass. I need to get my shit together. All right, dude, this is what you need to do.

All right. After just saying, don't text your wife that you're having a good time, you got to let your wife know about this. This is a major thing. You're not sitting there eating a fucking turkey wrap, having a fucking bitter Mexican beer, whatever the fuck it was called. I would talk to her about it because then she can watch it. Dude, I can't fucking watch it. I can't do this for you. You need to have your wife involved in this and just say, listen, I've been drinking entirely too much and I need your help.

All right. So I gotta be honest with you, dude. Like right now I have a beer a day and that's only because my wife had some people over and they left a bunch of beer in the fridge and it's taken up all this space and I don't want to dump it down the sink. You know, I'm not dumping out a bunch of beers. I just have one a day. And what sucks is that Corona light, which are fucking horrific. So I don't even enjoy them. But I just have like one a day.

But last night, you know, it was Saturday night. I'm home. You know, I got the best fucking bar in town. I got high end booze. And, you know, I had a couple of home pores, which, you know, as I've mentioned before, there's the bar poor and there's the home poor. Because you can lie to yourself that you're having two scotches a night. But, you know, when you go out to a bar and you see what their scotches are, you're like, oh, wait, did I say two? I meant nine.

So, yeah, like last night, you know, I had a couple, two, three of those after having the beer during the day. And I woke up today. I felt like I got hit by a truck. You know, it was awful. I walked my dog around the block and I shook it off. And I was just like, like, you know what it is at nighttime? It's brutal. Being sober at night sucks.

But being sober and waking up the next day, stone sober, is the greatest. It feels better than getting shit-faced. So, you know, and my wife, you know, she stays on me. She stays on me about it. It's weird. Like, you sound like, you know, you've had some hard quotes. Luckily, I don't have like an addictive personality. My thing is I have time.

I have free fucking time. And I get into, like, and I'm a creature of habit. Like, if I, if I, like, this is how I work. Like, if I was to go out and buy a fucking pint of ice cream, right? And I was to wolf that fucking thing down one night, I would start doing that. That's what I would do. So, like, if I, you know, and all these fucking addicts who go to AA and all this shit, they always try to make sure, they try to make, like, everybody's a fucking addict.

You know, I'm not, dude. I don't have, like, a fucking bottle in the back of my fucking toilet and shit, sitting there shaking, drinking fucking mouthwash and shit. You know what I mean? I just like drinking. I enjoy it, you know what I mean? But as I get older, like, just paying for it the next day is making it not fucking worth it. So, I just don't do it.

And whenever I decide to stop, I just stop. And it sucks for a few days. And then what it is, is it's not part of my daily routine. And then I literally just forget about it. You know, but I don't know, you seem like a little bit beyond that. So, I would definitely reach out to your wife and see if she can help you. And maybe if she can help you, you stop there. And if you need more help, I would go do that.

But don't depend on me because I don't have any kids and I live like a fucking 14-year-old. So, I'm not a good person to use. I mean, having said that, I'm just doing a beer a day, if that helps you. All right. Okay. STDO Jesus. STDO Jesus. All right.

Bill, Billy, what's that red mark? I don't know what that means. Is that something else I need to be self-conscious about? All right. This is a gnarly one. I recently found out that I have HPV, aka Genital Awards. And he says, gross. It's actually very common and it's just a few small bumps, but it fucking sucks.

Anyways, it can show up years after you've received it. So, I have no idea who I got it from. Once again, another great reason to get married, to stay out of that fucking world. Here's my question. I recently met an amazing girl. We have a lot of the same interests. She's a hard 10. Yada, yada, yada.

Point is, I really like her. I'm getting treated for the HPV, but I respect her enough to tell her of the risks she's getting into in case it goes that far. So, Bill, how do I tell her that I have an STD and that there's a small chance she could get it? I don't want to mess up this opportunity, but my other options are basically to move to a cabin in the woods for six months until this is completely gone. I thought it'd be funny to hear your advice. Ah, dude, fucking yeah, you gotta tell her. Totally 100% tell her and then just say, listen, so I can't do anything for six months other than to get to know you better. You know?

And this is the thing, if she doesn't want to stick around for that, hey, God bless her. Who gives a fuck? You know what I mean? You gotta look at it like, well, what else wouldn't she stick around for? But then again, you're also coming out of the gate saying you got a fucking STD. Ah, you know, there's no right or wrong answer other than to not, you gotta tell people that shit. You know? Don't you wish the person that had it told you?

You don't want to, you don't want to, you got to break the chain there. Women are so much more advanced emotionally, so much more, they understand love, they understand emotions, they understand so much more than guys do. And it's not our fault. It's not their fault the way that they are and all that type of shit. It's just how we're fucking wired. I don't fucking understand it. It is what it is, but you know, if she really likes you and she's understanding and then you're sitting there saying, you know, if she's a hard 10, people are trying to fuck her all the time. So you're going to be going like, listen, here's something embarrassing, but it's going to be cleared up in six months.

And I respect you enough to tell you, you know, we could hang out, get to know each other better and all that type of stuff, but you know, there's no way I'm having sex with you or anybody else. You come off responsible, you come off as honest, and if that's what the fuck she's looking for, she'll stick around. If she doesn't, then fucking lay low for six months. Lay low for fucking six months and then, you know, whatever, go to the gym and get fucking shredded. No, don't do that. You'll get more ladies coming up to you. Stay away. Um, anyways, let's, uh, let's, uh, let me, uh, let me finish off this fucking podcast. What are we up to here?

All right, eight minutes. All right. There's anything else I wanted to talk about. Oh, oh, fucking Billy Redface is, uh, finally going to get himself a car. I'm going to order it this fucking week because they don't have the color that I want. And if I'm going to buy a new car, oh, Frugal Freddy's getting the fucking color that he wants. And I'm not going to tell you guys what kind of car that I'm getting because I, because I want to enjoy the process. I don't want to listen to fucking getting that one for you. Fucking get this one. You go get the one you want, but I fucking looked at everything. I looked at the jail. I looked at the fuck. I looked at a BMW. I looked at a Lexus.

I decided that I want one of those fucking four door sedans that fucking cruises. Um, I found the BMW to basically be, uh, you know, I love the German like precision precision. How come I can't say that precision? There you go. But I don't think I can speak. Um, you know, you could just sit in there. You just feel the German all of it. No wasted movements. Yeah. The suspension is stiff. If you want a comfortable ride, you get the seven series. Um, I looked at a Lexus. I don't like that grill. It looks like Darth Vader's mouth on his fucking helmet.

And, um, I don't know. I don't know. I think I found the one though. I literally looked at everything. Mercedes, BMW, Jaguar, Lexus, the whole fucking thing. You know, I'm not getting the sick ass model. I'm getting the one that's that can, that has the right end. This is what I'm going to get a four door sedan that has the biggest fucking engine in the, that I can get in it. Right. And, but I'm not going to buy a high end car so I can still take it to the fucking grocery store. And when some fucking opens their door into my car, it's not going to kill me.

You know what I mean? Cause I, I don't get, I just don't understand having a high end car. Like psycho high end. Like I'm buying a mid range, you know, car. I mean, all of them seem fucking high end to me because I've driven a Prius for nine fucking years. Do you guys know I'm on my fourth car of my life? That's all I've had at an 83 Ford Ranger. Then I had this, I bought a used, I bought that used. I drove that for fucking 10 years. And then, and then it burned down to the side of the road. That's a long fucking story. Then I, I bought a, in like 96 or 97, I bought a 1988 Honda Accord four door, five speed fucking love that car. And it was the top of the line Honda Accord, the DX, whatever the fuck it was.

It was, that was a great fucking car. And then I got, then I moved back to New York so I didn't need a car. Wait a minute. Yeah. And then I bought my Prius and then I got the F 100. That's all I've had. That's pretty fucking good, right? Almost 50 fucking years old. I've been driving since 1984. Jesus Christ, I'm old. I've been driving for 32 fucking years. I've had basically, I've had three cars, right? One, two, three, four, four cars. That's pretty fucking good, huh? Frugal Freddy. So I've had enough of the Prius and I had enough of it.

You know what's funny about that car? Cause it's a Toyota and I've changed the oil and I've maintained it and everything. Like there is a major part of me that wants to drive that car for the rest of my fucking life. Cause it's hilarious to me because I know I could get a million miles out of that car. Because at the end of the day, all these fucking dopes whose cars shit the bed. Unless like, you remember like the BMWs a few years ago when they were just designed to fall apart at 50 to 60,000 miles. You know, unless it's being done on purpose, at the end of the fucking day, the engine block, it's made out of fucking steel. Like that thing's not supposed, you're not supposed to have any problems with that. That thing, in theory, all of that shit should last for fucking ever.

Like granted, thing here, thing there will come loose or something like that. But the engine itself, when people just have, when your engine is just fried, the valves are fried and all that shit, you weren't maintaining the fucking car. And for the life of me now, when you can go to all of these fucking places, I still never go to Jiffy Lube. I still take it to the dealership. Jiffy Lube, cause they're so getting you in and out of there. I always get nervous as you always hear those stories that, you know, they drain the oil out and they forget to put it back in. Basically the poltergeist, you know, you move the headstones, but you didn't move the bodies.

It's basically the car version of that, like they take the fucking oil out. And, you know, whoever's supposed to put it in up top doesn't do it. The guy down the bottom, he just drains the fucking oil, right? Then he puts the plug back in and then he's got the fucking grease gun. He loops the chassis all up, hits all the points, right? Like he fucking knows, like he even knows what model you have and where they all are, right? He's just fucking looking for those plugs to fill up, right? And meanwhile, some other cunt at the top is supposed to drop, you know, four, five, six quarts of oil,

whatever it takes in the top of your engine and sometimes they forget, then you drive away, right? And then what are you going to do? You're going to go down there? They're not going to give you, they're going to give you the amount of money that your car is worth, which is the total fuck over, right? Because if it's a, you know, like my car, I can't imagine what my car is worth right now. I mean, it has to be worth like maybe $1,200. But the thing is, is for me to replace it to go out and buy another car, I mean, I can't buy a $1,200 fucking car.

You see what I'm saying? So I always take it down to the goddamn dealership. So anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Some weeks I got diarrhea in the mouth and this is fucking one of them. That's it for the podcast. I'm still trying to figure out a way to bring a couple of listeners. I decided that a contest isn't the right fucking way to do it. I want to have a couple of podcasts, maybe a couple of two, three podcast listeners come in for the final table read. Of the year provided you don't tell everybody what happened in the script, which could also be a fucking problem.

I think this whole idea was stupid. I think it was a stupid idea. You know what? Fuck that. You know what? Fuck it. That offers off the table. I'm sorry. I just, this day and age, everybody's going to fucking go, I won't fucking say anything. And then you know what they're going to go right away. And what does she do? After all, yeah, yeah, yeah, bullshit. You're going to go right fucking down. You're going to fuck me over.

I know things. It's too much of a risk. I'll come up with something else. All right. Here we go. Hour and 15 minutes. There you go. You guys enjoy your Monday, your fucking crunch. And I'll check in on you on Thursday. I hope you guys have a nice couple of days there. All right, see you. Ah, so was a spaghetti bolognese with liquor veer gehaakt. Download the Maidenlesse app and cook me. Yeah, top.

The lesse. Me with the cleaver.