Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-28-21

Episode Date: June 28, 2021

Bill rambles about being a fatty, Formula 1, and abuse of power.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, June 28th, 2020. What's going on? How are you? How are you doing? How was your life going? Mine ain't going so good today. Jesus Christ. You know, over the last, I don't know, three months I knew I was putting on weight and I kept saying step on the scale to see where you're at. And I'm like, I don't want to see that number. The dumb thing that's the stupidest thing you can do when I knew it, I knew it was a dumb thing to do. You know, when I'd go on a hike here, I'd go do a little fucking take a walk some stairs there. But every day I was stuffing my

fat freckled face. I stepped on the fucking scale, 189. And that's only because I ate a cheeseburger that just sat in my stomach like lead at like 330 the day before and I hadn't eaten in like 12 hours. So I was probably like a buck 91. Oh my God. What am I doing? So my fighting weight is 171. So I got like 20 pounds. I got to lose. The people around me aren't helping me. You go, really? You know, you look fine to me. You look great. It's like, stop saying that. Say it again. I'll take my shirt off and then you fucking say it. Say that again with a fucking believable look on your face. So I'm back on it. I'm weighing

myself every day and I'm going to get back down to 171 where I need to be. It's always fun the first day when you eat well and you work out, you know, because you immediately drop like a pound or two, which is what happened this morning. I might have just been dehydrated or whatever. But so it was 187 when I got on the scale. But now after the first day, then I feel like your body's just like, oh, this is what we're doing. Let's fucking pump the brakes here. Let's put on the parking brake for the last fucking whatever, 16, 17 pounds. So, yeah, so I got to do this the right way. I got to see, now I got to make sure that as I'm dropping it, it's fat and not muscle. Because then I'll get

down to 171, you know, and that's when you have the ET body, you know what I mean? Your arms are all skinny, your legs are skinny, and then you have that little pot. So I got to make sure I I have the, you know, get plenty of protein and all that type of stuff, which I know what I got to do. But I'm I'm, I was pretty upset with myself yesterday. And on a low level upset with my wife, because she kept saying like, am I, is it me? Am I a fat bastard when I wasn't weighing myself? Because rather than you just going in, and she'd be like, Bill, you look great, you look fine. It's like, it's like, how does that help me? If your wife says to you, you know, you're looking a little chunky there. You're a little chunky monkey there that was that the ice cream you've been eating,

you're looking like what the fuck you're eating. I don't eat that shit, by the way. I'm not into that one with the fucking bananas in it. I like the fucking the old school ice cream, you know, where it was just sugar, cream, whatever the fuck is in it, and ice ice cream, maybe some chocolate chips, maybe a little pistachio. You know what I mean? Before they came over this ice cream, where you fucking empty the cupboard and throw it in there, like fucking potato chips and bananas. And I don't know what else, fucking detergent tablets, coffee. I guess coffee's been around for a while. Oh, I'm just a fucking, why can't things be the way they always were? Yeah, so that is, that's where I'm at. And I've just been thinking in my head,

of the four Kings documentary that I watched, where everybody on that thing was roughly my height, maybe a little shorter, except for Thomas Hearns, and they were all like a buck 55, 156. Now obviously, that's a boxer. So I got to feel like if I get down to like, you know, anywhere between 165, 170, I should be good. So rather than starving myself, I'm just going to be eating right and going for walks, walks of the shit. When you get older, they don't fucking hurt your knees. You do it at night. You know, but speaking of which, but I'll be doing a lot of cardio the next three nights, because I am at the comedy store running my hour, hour and 10 minutes. Because I got my first indoor road gig in Las Vegas is my first indoor road gig since all of

this bullshit started. So very excited and slash nervous, you know what I mean? You want to do a good job. You don't want to show up and just phone it in or whatever, you know? So, you know, I was driving around town and I saw this fucking, I saw this billboard for that new Britney Spears documentary. And it was just like heartbreaking, devastating, eye-opening, toxic. And I was just sitting there going like, only in this fucking country could a blonde white woman sell out arenas, make millions of dollars, and then fucking they come back around and it's like, oh my god, what did they do to her? Now I'm not saying that she wasn't horribly misguided. I'm not saying that, you know, I don't even know the fucking story. This to me always comes down to that

bit I used to do, the way they told the story of that woman serial killer versus a Charlie Manson or a fucking Jeffrey Dahmer, where it's just like they're made out to be lunatic fucking madmen. But the woman serial killer went out and they blamed guys. Well, if the guys didn't do this to her, then she wouldn't have been murdering those guys. Okay. All right. Well, shit was done to me when I was a kid. I didn't go out and then do it to other people. Right? That doesn't make is my I don't know. Am I thinking crazy here? If you were a kid and somebody tortured you somehow, then you grow up and you just start torturing people because you were tortured. And then what you're you're still a victim?

Because evidently, that's what America said American cinema wants you to believe. No, it's just it's very interesting thing. How some people get treated versus how other people get treated. Like let's talk about formula one here. We're actually watched the race because everybody's like, Bill, you got to come back to F1. You got to come back to F1. Max Verstappen is competitive. He's ahead in the point. So I sit down and watch the race yesterday. And uh, Verstappen takes the lead into the first turn. Lewis Hamilton is in second place. The most exciting possible situation in formula one. Max Verstappen first place after the first turn. Lewis Hamilton in second place because now you're going to get to see some racing.

Okay. But you know, Max, I think wire to wire. I watched three quarter of the race before I had to go to a kid birthday party. Um, dude, I mean, I literally had to break out the Hawaiian shirt. Like that's that's I am in Hawaiian button down shirt. I don't think they make Hawaiian pullovers. Hawaiian shirt shape. I took, I showed up total fucking dad outfit. I had Hawaiian shirt. I had white linen pants and I had a pair of crocs on with socks. That's right. Oh, Freckles has crocs. I didn't want them. My wife kept asking me, do you want a pair of these? And I was like, no, I no, I do not. I do not. Then the kids, she got a pair and then the kids got a pair and then a friend of our family got a pair and I kept saying, I don't want them.

You know, no means no. I don't want crocs. I'm good. Thank you. Thank you for asking 40 times. Father's Day comes along. Guess what he gets? A pair of crocs. Oh, the exact thing I said I didn't want to want. Oh, no, you shouldn't have. No, literally, you shouldn't have. So I got a pair of those plastic fucking boats that will exist a thousand years after I'm dead. That's all I think about when I wear them. I'm like, is it the plastic should be like a family heirloom now that you just hand down generation to generation. This spatula has been in our family for 800 years, making scrambled eggs back when there was chickens. So I got a pair of them. I got to say, they're pretty comfortable. They're pretty comfortable. It definitely looks like,

you know, I don't know what I feel like when I wear them, you immediately feel like a guru. Like you're just up there just talking some shit. Oh my god, speaking of that, should I talk about this now or get back to the F1 shit? Wait a second. What is this fucking guy's name? Michael. Oh, man, I forget the guy's fucking name. God damn it. I was watching this thing on, you know, my wife likes watching these fucking Dateline NBC shows. I literally think SNL did a sketch about how women like to watch like these murder shows, right? And she explained it to me. She goes, well, you know, as a woman, you know, you feel like you're not as strong. So you try to watch them and try to figure out what you would do in that situation. And I'm like,

all right, that was a good answer. I don't know if I believe it, but you know, that's a good answer. So she put on Dateline NBC and this show was funny. She ended up falling asleep and I actually, I watched it to the end because this guy was such a piece of shit. I had to see him get caught. This guy went to like, I don't know, USC or UCLA. And I guess was a really good doctor. And he decided to open a, one of those nose, ears and throat, one of those guys doctors and he picked a town in Indiana that has a bunch of factories with horrible pollution. I was like, all right, you know, this guy location, location, location. And he just made like all of this money. And he was like flying around in private jets and had a yacht and all this.

And I'm thinking like, wait, this guy's doing this off of being, you know, nose, ear, nose, ear and throat doctor. That's what it is. The fucks he making all of this money. And then he had all his state of the art equipment and he was like doing like 30 something surgeries a week. It was fucking insane. And what he was doing was if you just came in, it didn't matter what your fucking problem was. He just said you needed sinus surgery and he would just go in there. And maybe he would do something. Maybe he wouldn't. He would just fiddle around inside your nose. You'd be done in a half an hour. He'd have no follow up and he'd give you a little saline solution. And that was it. And one woman came in, she clearly had throat cancer. And he ignored it.

And I mean, she was a heavy smoker. So that was on her. But like, he could have helped her be diagnosed early on, which led to this, you know, horrible quality of life or whatever. Another one was this little girl who had like ended up having a brain tumor. But because this fucking asshole went in there and did surgery, all this scar tissue, which I don't understand why they can't get through, they could only get 10% of it. Fortunately, the kid lived. By the end of it, I'm like, they should fucking hang this guy by his fucking toes. Blah, blah, blah, blah. So he goes on vacation, abandons his wife and just fucking, you know, is a fugitive. All right, they end up catching the fucking guy like five years later.

And he has all of these lawsuits, he's been stripped of his medical license and all of that shit. And in the end of all of this, okay, guess what this guy gets? The first thing they were going to give him two years, two years. It's just that classic fucking thing where, you know, white collar crime. It's fucking ridiculous. So the doctor, the lawyer, whatever, they end up getting this guy and they know, I think he ended up getting like seven years, or he did like seven years or something like that. And now he's out, now he's trying to start this yoga thing, right? He's going to be a yoga instructor. And he's such a lunatic. He's like, you know, people talk yoga about spirituality and all that. Who's kid knew it's not about that. It's about looking hot so

you can get some fucking ass. I mean, that's basically what he reduced yoga to. And he still goes around calling himself a doctor. It was so fucking upsetting. I actually looked up some of the victims because I was going to try to go out there and do a benefit for him because one of the mother or the kid was going, oh, you know, like he wiped out my savings. And now this guy, he's just like down to Miami doing like fucking yoga. It's a whole thing. It's just, it was really upset. It was just wasn't, it wasn't satisfying on any level other than the fact they stopped him from doing that. And the only time the guy owned up to, you know, I heard a lot of people, the only time he owned up to it was when he was staring, you know, at a jail sentence. So he just said the

things that they knew he wanted them to say. Just a complete narcissist fucking sociopath and all of that shit, which is the problem with those types of people is you're never going to get satisfaction. You're never going to get closure. You just have to walk away from them. That's kind of what it is. But a guy like that, they should have walked away as they closed the fucking jail cell. That guy should have gone to jail for fucking life. He should have got like two life sentences for what the fuck he did to sit there and be performing surgery on people that don't even need surgery or it's not the proper surgery. I mean, but you know, you get caught with like, you know, a fucking, a fucking kilo of cocaine, you're going to jail for fucking life. And this

fucking guy sitting there rooting around at people's fucking noses, right? I mean, there's a kid with the tumor that they could have got out and now they can't because of what the fuck you did. That's it. You're done. You don't get to go to Miami and do fucking yoga. It's fucking annoying. It's really annoying. All right, let's get back to something a little more fun, annoying. Let's talk F1. So I'm watching the race, right? And then I have to go to the kid birthday party. By the way, I have the same colored crocs as my son. So it was kind of cute. Both were wearing blue and white. So I'm not going to, you know, and then my daughter was also wearing blue and white. And it just kind of all came together by accident. I think my wife was

dressing the kids the same way. And then I just went with my fat clothes that just happened to match them. And I mean, I'm telling you right now, isn't it if you're a dad, you got to have at least one Hawaiian shirt in your fucking closet for those after the holidays. As you start to walk it off, you know, you got to start dressing like Robin Williams, rest his soul. So I'm watching the highlights because I had to watch the highlights to see the end of the race. I thought I taped it and I didn't. And this screaming about Matt for step, Max for stopping going to win the race, but they're also screaming about Louis Hamilton, because it's not a race unless you're talking about the fucking diva, right?

And Louis Hamilton's getting new tires. He's going for the fastest lap. The fucking announcers like it Max for stopping wins 25 points to leader F1. And Louis Hamilton also gets the fastest lap. What would they be doing if they weren't blowing that guy? Even if he doesn't win, he got an extra point. It's just fun. I remember it like this is my number one fucking problem. I have the same problem I have with F1. I have with the fucking NBA. It's just like, I don't know. Somebody wins. They're the fucking winner. Talk about them. It's like a long time ago when the Red Sox fucking won a World Series, ESPN, Red Sox win the World Series, they're the whole fucking thing. And then they go reaction in the

Bronx. Like, why do we have to sit here and listen to their fault? They didn't win. They're not champions. Why are you talking about them? Why are you talking about Louis Hamilton? He didn't fucking win. He is not the leader right now. Drives me up the fucking wall. I remember a couple of years ago when I was, when I was, when I was starting to be like, you know what? Fuck formula one. I'm not watching this shit anymore. This is a Louis Hamilton reality show. I remember he had a shitty qualifying. Something happened to his car and God forbid he was in like third or fourth position and he pulls into the garage and he's just sat in his car with his head down with his helmet on and they just sat there talking about how upset he was.

They were like, oh, oh, you know, fucking whoever, whoever the fuck got the, uh, you know, Daniel Ricardo gets the pole, but look how upset Louis. He's devastated. Oh my God. His heart breaks. He just wants to win. It's like, dude, he drives from Mercedes. I'm not saying he's not the best driver. Okay. But there's a bunch of drivers that would be beaten his ass every fucking week if he didn't drive for fucking Mercedes and had a different fucking car. All right. Max Verstappen won the race. Shut the fuck up about this fucking jerk off who gets one goddamn point. And I shouldn't even be upset with him because he's not the one doing it. So my apology to Louis Hamilton. I shouldn't have said that the fucking jerk off

who was saying that is the jerk off. But I guess they added that to make it like an exciting thing. It's sort of like the three pointer. It's like the technical foul shot of formula one where you get an extra point that could add up, that could pay dividends. I can't believe it. The best driver who drives for the team with the most money and the best equipment just had the fastest lap. That's just as exciting as the person with a lesser team with lesser equipment that actually beat this diva cunt. Equal level of excitement. That's what's wrong with sports. The bottom line is they know that Louis Hamilton puts

asses in the seats and he is their fucking show pony right now. So no matter what happens, win or lose, you know, that was like back in the day when the Red Sox were fucking going, all right, so I guess you got to spend 200 million dollars and buy up the league to win it to stop the A5. We'll do it again. Then we fucking do it. And then like reaction in the Bronx. Sorry, Boston. New York's just a bigger TV market. We have to keep this hat field in McCoy thinking. Let me guess, were they not happy in the Bronx? I mean, the only story there would be actually be if they were kind of like okay with it slash happy. That would actually maybe be an interesting story. But if they're not happy with it, and they're now going to try to

do things to their team to try and beat us the next year is kind of exactly what you think they would be doing. Fucking out of breath after that one. I also watched, I got caught up here. You know, I haven't been watching a lot of racing because I've been too busy eating. Oh, God. It's actually, it was getting to the point where I wasn't making effort noises to put on my socks, but there was definitely an effort being made. Yeah. When you got to start putting your leg up onto something to get your socks on, like trying to figure out a different way to fold yourself in half. I wonder if people who's so as is so flexible, they can actually get way fatter because when they get to that point where they can't go

forward, they can actually go the other way bend over backwards and then put it on. I was just looking at my notes from last night because I don't have a lot of time today. I wanted to, I have, I have F1, Max Verstappen, Louis Hamilton gets fastest lap. Then I got a couple other topics and then I got Billy Fat Cakes. And you know what? I went to this kid birthday party yesterday and I walked in there was like, I'm not having any cake. I'm not having any of this stuff. I had some vegetables with like half a spoon of guacamole and waters. That's all I had the three hours that I was there. And you know, it was, you know, it was actually cool was I went

there and my daughter really likes to play catch now, which was fun. And then a couple of the other kids came over and they also wanted to play catch and stuff like that. So it's cool that kids still want to do stuff like that. So I was kind of having a, I was kind of having a blast doing that. And oh my God, dude, these kids are so freaking smart now. So I was playing catch with my daughter with this little, you know, sort of squishy ball. And then this kid comes over, it's his ball. And he's all upset that we're playing catch with it. I'm like, what's the matter? He goes, that's not a ball. That's a planet. And I was like, what? It's not a ball. It's a planet. And he goes, look, and on the side of the ball, Uranus was, was written on it. And I

was like, Oh my God. And I had tried to explain it to my, my daughter. She's going, dad, it's a ball. And I'm like, well, I mean, it is a ball, but it says Uranus on it now. So now it's like a planet. And I go over there, I go, there's a ball. That one right there is just a ball. It was actually a little ball that was supposed to be like a bowling ball. But it was like the size of like a, I don't know, a big tennis ball. So she's all like, no, I want to play with the other one. And the other kids go, it's not a, it's not a ball. It's a planet became like this, this thing, you know? And then we finally, we all, we all got past it. Because at some point, the really smart kid just goes, all right, he goes, it's a ball, not a planet. He kind of saw that it was upsetting

thing. The kid was like so smart. It was ridiculous. Like he came over, he was 100% right. He argued his position. And then when he realized it was upsetting people, he understood that it wasn't worth it. This was this kid's four year old birthday party. I was like, I don't know what that kid's going to do in life, but he's going to be good at it. So then anyway, I was playing with the other kids or whatever. And you know, they're at this great age, you're all about like, in the parent circle that I'm in, everybody, all the kids are like three and four years old and the kids are hilarious. So at every party, there's always like the one the kid that's just grabbing toys. So it was this one kid was she was just grabbing the toys, you know, they don't fucking know,

they don't know, right? It's just an aggressive personality, more aggressive personality, who doesn't know social rules yet, right? So the kid does it a couple of times, they always go, Hey, you know, you got to ask first, got to ask first, right? So the kid does it again, takes this little puppet away from this other kid, I finally just said, Hey, give that back. Okay, you can't go around taking clothes, you can't go around taking the puppet away from toys away from the other kids. And the kid that got the puppet taken away from when I go, you shouldn't be take don't take toys away from other kids. The other kid who got the toy taken away, turned around and looked at me and said,

I know you're not talking to me. And I was just like, Oh, shit, I wasn't. I was on your side. And then the other kid who was taking the toys was just staring daggers at me. Like, you don't tell me what to do. It was like, look, like who the fuck are you would be telling me what to do? So I'm trying to fucking hold my stare. I looked away like three times because I didn't know what to do. It's like, I don't want to get into a hostile situation with you. But I also kind of have to understand you can't be doing this. You know, there was a lot of shit going on at that party yesterday, but it was a lot of fun. And the kids were awesome. But I'll

tell you right now, that kid that was taking the toys, the look that she was giving me, that is a that is a ice hockey team captain. If I ever saw one, she had fucking Mark Messier, we will win against New Jersey look on her face. Was not appreciating a bald fat orange man telling her what she can and can't do. I could tell you that. All right. So anyway, I watched Mark Mac as when his first race since he came back from the broken humors. He's another guy. It's funny. I actually root against him just because, you know, I'm not going to just take up a new sport and root for Lewis Hamilton. The guy's the best driver there is. So, you know, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon like a fucking free agent.

I'm not doing that. So I got to root against these guys. So I root against Mark Marquez, but not in like a, you know, but MotoGP is fun because there's actually like passing and that type of stuff. And it's been like real competitive. You know, I got a few races behind. So I am excited for that. And I feel bad. I probably went too fucking hard on the the announcers on F1. But it's just like, can you give Max for stamping his fucking do? Jesus Christ. You see, he just got 25 points. You scream and just as loud for a guy who got one extra point that drives for the team that has the most fucking money. Oh gee, he just got a new set of tires. Really? Did he, you know, on a Mercedes? Did he get the fastest lap? Holy shit. Who would have thunk it?

All right. I went to the Sun's game, game three against the Clippers. Sort of an ugly game. Like the, the Sun's only shot like 40% for the game. And, but the Clippers in the first half were not shooting much better. But then they went on a run in the second half. The place was going nuts. So it was a really fun game to go to. And, you know, but it was that typical NBA experience where it's just every time there was a stop at your play, there was some sort of activity, the activity that they had you watch. And I really felt that it took away from the drama of the game. Like we were never solidified as a crowd. Because what happens to the crowd is they're watching something and they're all taking the

same emotional ride. All right. And everybody has a different reaction to it. But overall, there becomes a vibe in the crowd. And everybody's on the edge of their seat. But like, they were like these really dramatic moments that were happening. Like, oh, the Clippers going to pull away. They're down two games to none. They need to have such an important game for them to win. And then all of a sudden, you're just looking at the Jumbotron, watching people lip sync journey, don't stop believing. Or, you know, fine, let's see who's the best fucking dancer. Just people make it absolute fools of themselves to get on the fucking Jumbotron. And then it's like, what the fuck is that? Is that really a guy like twerking?

And his kids are there? I think that's a dad. And I'm processing that. And then you just hear, you know, that's horn. And then I'll say, oh, wait, I'm at a playoff game. It's just really weird. But I will say that they do a really good job. If you're watching it at home, that you can't hear all the shit that's going on. But it was like, I heard some of the internet describe it. It was like you were at a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party while there was a playoff game going on. And it's really insulting to the fans, which is I was like, well, I can't say it any better than that. Some guy on Reddit, because I actually googled to see like, am I just being a grumpy old man? Am I the only guy that feels like they should tone it down a little bit?

But, uh, yeah, it's really, I don't know. It's weird. So anyway, I saw that game and then I watched, I was in a cigar bar with my wife who actually got into the game. I was watching game for Sun's Clippers. And we actually had to go and she got so into it. She goes, well, we can't leave now. I was like, oh my God. Like, God, it almost took me 20 years of making her a sports fan. She's hanging in a cigar bar. This is fucking great. Yeah, we, but we ended up having to leave because our babysitter, you know, had to go. So we ended up having to get out of there. But I watched most of that game and I was watching the first half going like, am I out of my fucking mind? Why didn't I just bet the Sun's? I should have buried the Sun's. They shot 40%. They're going to

blow them out. And the second I texted that to Verzi, all of a sudden the Clippers closed it down to like, you know, actually took the lead at one point, I think, or tied it up. And I had to leave right during that ugly, the ugliest part of the game where they, there was like 14 possessions between the two teams and nobody scored any points. It's like there was a fucking lid on the bucket. But anyway, we're just going to talk sports today. The Montreal Canadians are in the finals against your Tampa Bay Lightning looking to go back to back the first time since the Pittsburgh Patriots in 2016. Was it 2015, 2016? Or 2015, 2016? Then it was the Capitals. Then it was the Blues. And then it was the Lightning. So as a hab hater, first of all,

I got to say congratulations to the Montreal Canadians. They just play like they're playing such good hockey, I can't even get mad at them. They're actually fun to watch. As a Bruins fan who took all kinds of shit from those fucking, you know, pseudo Frenchies up there for the first, I don't know how many years of my life. I got to be honest with you, I was hoping that the Islanders were going to win because I feel like they're a better matchup with the Canadians where the Canadians have jet, they keep playing teams like Tampa, like these offensive, you know, juggernauts, they got, you know, an ability to score and all of that shit. And they know how to shut down

scoring teams. And the Islanders were built the same way as the Canadians. And they just ended up finally running into a team that they couldn't stop. So they weren't quite as good, but I thought it was going to be way more interesting to try and to watch the Canadians kind of play a version of themselves to, you know, for checking teams. Okay, you're going to take away our top two lines. We're going to take away your top two lines. You got a hot gold tender, so do we kind of see boxer against boxer where I feel like the Canadians, it's been, you know, boxer versus brawler. And that's what I feel like it's going to be here again. And I hate to say this, but I think the Canadians not only going to win, I think they're going to win in six.

I just, you know, defense wins championships and nobody's doing it better than the Canadians. And I'm just going to say it was so much fun to watch the Canadians go through this 28 year drought. And, but I'm not going to lie, if I had to put my money down, that's what I think is going to happen. Now, if you're a Tampa Bay Lightning fan, you have to understand that I have been wrong about everything. And also know that I'm not deliberately picking the Canadians just to try and jinx them. I'm not. It's just like, this is like, this, this, the Vancouver Vancouver, I keep calling Vancouver, the Vegas Knights presented the exact same problem that Tampa presents the exact same that, that Toronto presented a high scoring, you know, offensive power. I don't know how high scoring

the Vegas was, but they know how to, they know how to shut down a team like this. And what I have found is that the offensive power doesn't know how to, I guess, do to the other team what they're doing, what's being done to them. It's weird, but that's how it is. So we shall see. That's my prediction. Canadians in six, oh God, that fucking kills me to say that. Fucking kills me to say that. It's depressing. What's a good cure for depression? Oh, let's read out loud. This is always good to make you laugh. Laughing's good for the soul. All right, butcher box, everybody. Are you itching for the outdoors? It's grilling season, baby. Get ready. It's grilling season. Yeah, baby. Get ready for that summer

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All right, here we go. Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's the listeners. It's the listeners and they got some questions for you. Okay, Father's Day gripe. Hey, they have Billy pasted face. I'm gonna be like Billy Pastry face. I would like to vent about the vast inequities I experienced between Mother's Day for my wife and Father's Day for me. Oh, I knew this would get people going. On Mother's Day, my wife sleeps in, mine does too, and eventually wakes up to me handing her a cup of freshly brewed coffee in bed. When she eventually gets up and walks out of our bedroom, she'll notice fresh flowers in a vase. Breakfast prepared in a green card on the kitchen counter. Dude, you're crushing it. I cooked for her, her mother and her sister later that day. Point is,

I worked my ass off throughout that day to make these women feel special. Now, my Father's Day experience, she slept in. I made my own coffee. I fed myself. Nobody planned any party or get together for us dads and the family. No card, no present. Dads like to fire up the grill, so I cooked for my family that evening, and we watched the hawks beat the choking Sixers. I like cooking, so it's no big deal. But I just find it funny that we have to shower women with the tension and acknowledgement, but not, but that is not returned to us on our special day. I'm good to my wife and kids. So every day is Father's Day, the way I experience life. The whole holiday thing is bullshit anyways. Look at that. He just in the end, he's just like,

it's all bullshit anyway. Yeah, dude, it's, it's, I don't know. I don't know that that will ever happen. And I was going to say, like, you know, at some point they'll maybe realize the only way they like realize that shit is if you do what I did between Mother's Day and Father's Day, you got to keep hammering them that your day is going to be just as special as their day, so they don't forget. You know, because if you don't, it's going to be, it's going to be a eight to noon thing, and then that's going to be over. Dude, my Father's Day, there was a, there was a fucking event. There was a birthday party for one of her girlfriends that was planned on Father's Day. So we had to go to that. That was my Father's Day. I'm not saying it was a bad event. I love

those people. I love her girlfriend. They're all fucking great people, but it's like, I just don't see a world where like, you know, if I planned a birthday party for like, you know, one of my buddies and it landed on Mother's Day, it's like, that's, that is being rescheduled without a fucking doubt. Without a doubt, it's being rescheduled. I mean, still a great party and everything. I'm just saying. So anyway, yeah, that's just kind of, it's kind of how it is. And we always do, generally speaking, a great thing for them on Mother's Day, but I don't feel that it's necessarily done 100% out of love. It's also done out of self-preservation and fear, because you know that if they don't feel special, then, you know, you're going to have to deal with the emotional ramifications of that

for anywhere from three days to, they might never get over it. And it's be something that they bring up in arguments forever. So yeah, preaching to the choir, but just know this, at the end of the day, you're a man, so you won, okay? You're not as complex as them, so you can actually enjoy life and you can kind of sustain a certain level of happiness and a certain level of satisfaction, you know, because you're too dumb to know that you should be upset. This is genius to our stupidity. They're too smart to be happy. That's my theory anyway. I don't know, they're just theories. Anyway, okay, F1. All right, all right, Billy runs with fire in his pants. I don't know what that means.

I have a simple message. Watch F1, you cunt. I know you enjoy motor sports and get really excited whenever you mention F1, but you haven't talked about the recent F1 races, which spoilers have been incredible. France happened this weekend and that was an incredibly satisfying race. Baku happened two weeks ago and that was probably one of the best races of this decade, an instant classic. Fuck, I missed, I can go back and watch them on their website. Get this, due to new regulations, Red Bull is leading the Constructors Championship and Max Verstappen is leading the Drivers Championship with Lewis Hamilton close behind. This is the season we've been waiting for. Yes, it is. Shut the fuck up about hockey

and watch this shit for $10 a month. Well, the thing about hockey is every season is the fucking season you're waiting for. It's hockey. It's fucking great. Maybe F1 should run their fucking business a little more like the NHL does. Anyways, for $10 a month on F1 TV Pro, this is not an ad. I tried to get into MotoGP, but that subscription is $40 a month. Not worth it, but F1 is. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I draw the line there. I draw the fucking line there. Dude, all of that shit that you're talking about, the best race, I'll watch that race and I guarantee you there was three races last year. Dude, the Marques vs. Andres de Vizioso battles. There's been like three

or four of those races where they passed each other three to four times on the final fucking lap. And that happened like two or three times a fucking season. Okay. So I don't want to hear like, oh my God, we finally had a fucking exciting fucking race, and now this is better than MotoGP. If you want to see passing and racing, which to me is people jockeying for position, passing, you know, the whole fucking thing, then I would say MotoGP is where it's at. It's still where it's at. And unlike you, I watch both of them. I don't watch one race. Oh, fuck, dad, it's too much fucking money. Yeah, you pay you a little $10 for the inferior fucking racing sport. I'll stick with MotoGP. Anyway, the next two weeks have

races in Austria. Tune your fat head in and watch Mercedes struggle. I mean, I might as well, because you know, at some point they're just going to throw money at the fucking problem somehow. And they'll be right back, you know, where they usually are. Look at this guy. This guy is so beaten down as a fan of F1 that he's excited that in June, Mercedes and Lewis Hamilton aren't in first place. I don't know. Hey, by the way, isn't me or does Sebastian Vettel lose his fucking whatever the front or airfoil is every other race? He lost one of his front wings. He's got damage. He has to go into the pits. Oh, it's a disaster. All right, what I should have said, oh, here we go. Number one, hey, Billy Kasper tits. I'm loving the body shame here, people. I'm doing it to myself.

I need this. I have a story from childhood that has stayed with me to this day. And I wish I had said something. I was about 12 years old and was with my older brother and his friends who were both in high school. We all went to the movies to see something. I don't remember what the move. I don't remember what movie because my memory is blinded by rage, the rage of something that happened at the theater. I got an icy frozen drink and some candy before the movie. During the movie, I finished the drink at one point and put the empty cup under my chair until the end of the movie. My brother and his friends were sitting to my right and a family was to my left. At the end of the movie, I stood up with my group and began to shuffle out of the theater. I felt someone poke

me in the back. It wasn't the kind of poke like excuse me, it was pretty hard. And I knew right away it was someone being aggressive. It felt more like, hey, motherfucker, kind of poke in my shoulder. I turned around and saw it was the father of the family who was sitting next to me. He was holding the empty cup I had accidentally left under my chair. Oh, what a cunt. This guy looked like if Roger Goodell was an impotent used car salesman. He had cargo shorts, white new balances, accountant glasses, stupid colored golf polo shirt, and a clinging, oh, clinging to scraps comb over. Oh, dude, if a man has a comb over, you've already won the exchange. He shoved the cup into my chest and said, here, your mom isn't here to pick up after you.

I was a pretty polite kid and I always tried to be respectful and clean up after myself. I had just forgotten about the cup. Simple mistake, right? I was so surprised and slightly humiliated that a stranger would do that, especially to a kid. I just took the cup and walked off. But to this day, I really wish I had said something like, you know what? I'm going to let you hold onto that. You fucking Janet Reno looking cheese dick. It would have been satisfying to throw the cup right back into his face too. But alas, I did nothing. I hope he has ass cancer at the end. Well, listen, there's a lot of victory in this. The guy has a comb over. He's such a small person that he does that to another.

He does that to a kid. That's not a happy guy. He was taking out the dissatisfaction he has in his own life on you. And that's what a lot of people who do shit like that are doing. But I mean, I bet to this day, you still feel that poke in the back like it just fucking happened. If you're anything like me. All right, number two, hey, Billy Rednuts. Two years ago, I was at 7-eleven. There was a homeless guy sitting outside it was the middle of the winter and freezing cold. So I went inside got myself a cup of coffee and a cup of coffee for the homeless guy. I went out and handed it to him. I walked away feeling good about myself for doing the right thing. Just then the homeless guy yelled at me.

What? No sugar? I was stunned and kept walking. I wish I said, go fuck yourself, you miserable cunt. Ah, yeah, I've had that happen to me. Remember there was this guy just out of his mind on something and he was sitting near, I was doing a spot at standup New York and I put some change into his cup and I walked about five paces and I just heard the sound of change being thrown down the sidewalk and he just goes fuck you. I think he yelled fuck you as he threw the change back at me, but I was, he was also, you know, fucking out of his mind on whatever he was on. So it happens. Yeah, what? No sugar? Yeah, what? No job? Only people inside get sugar, become a productive member of society,

then you get a little treat in your coffee. All of that shit comes to you. But at the end of the day, dude, it's a homeless person, could be somebody with mental issues because they've shut down all the nut houses and they have a hot cup of coffee in their hand. You don't want to stir them up. You wait till you get in your car and then roll down the passenger window as you drive by, yell some shit, but you're driving so fast because you're a coward. All you hear is, that's how it's, that's how it's done. All right. Oh God, this person used the word. I don't even know how to say it. Pronunciation. Here we, b a n a l. Hello, Benal Bill. B a n a, Jesus Christ, b a n a l, pronoun, pronunciation.

Here we go. Let's all learn something, shall we? Come on. Benal. Benal. Benal. The fuck does it mean? That doesn't sound like something good. Lacking originality, freshness, or novelty, trite. All right. Hello, Benal Bill. That's, you know, that's the most educated way I've ever been called a hack. I don't disagree. All right. The past year was my first year of college. So during the pandemic, my school had very strict rules about how many people you can have in your room. One night, me and my two roommates decided to play some beer pong. About five minutes into playing, a campus officer walks into our room without knocking. Whoa. This asshole cop walked in like he was about to make a drug bust. Instantly,

he starts to opening drawers and cabinets. Then he says, open the up the fridge, buddy. I responded with, do you have the right to search my fridge? The cop says, are you a first year law student or something? I still lay awake thinking about things I could have responded with. No, I'm not, but you're definitely not. You fucking rena, you're not even a real cop. I should have said something. Are you a first year rent a cop or something? That's even better. Thanks for the laugh bills. Hey, dude, the next time somebody just comes walking in like that, you have every right to say get you go. You can't say fuck though, because then they'll get you on that. Get back outside and knock or I'm going to report you. You can't just walk in. Well,

actually find out if they can or not. It's not too late to file a complaint. It's kind of a bitchy thing to do. But who knows? I mean, what if that was like, you know, would he do that with women? I don't know. That guy sounds like a fucking character in a comedy. And the whole crowd's rooting for you to try and get him back somehow. All right. All right. What do we got here? I gotta get on with the fucking day here. Almost dropped the laptop there. What I shouldn't have said. Oh, here we go. We got a new one. This is that what you were just listening to is what I should have said. If you have a situation where somebody said something to you and you didn't fucking think of anything to say until like a fucking month later, those are the what I should have said.

I unplugged my fucking headphones here. But if you actually gave into your urge and then you said it and dealt with the ramifications, that becomes a what I shouldn't have said. All right. All right. Dear Billy Boston Berrens. I've enjoyed the what I should have said recently. And I thought I'd throw out a story of something that maybe I shouldn't have said. This was around 15 years ago. I was in my early twenties and my girlfriend had gotten VIP concert tickets to see Christina Aguilera. Every note. Let me show you every note on the scale, every other line. The kind you are beautiful. The kind where you get to go backstage and meet them. All that bullshit. Holy shit. At the time, I was a major Bob Dylan fan. He just does one note.

Still still am. But I was a bit of an asshole about it back then. Total music snob. Oh, all right. And they should do a duet. Bob Dylan and Christina Aguilera, you know, just two different minimalist style versus over the top. As I was mad and I was mad that I had to go watch Christina Aguilera when literally anyone of my girlfriend's mates would have generally enjoyed it. Yeah, but I'm fucking around with it. She can actually sing. She doesn't have bad songs. They pop songs before what they are. They're good, right? But no, drag the reluctant boyfriend along. That's female logic, right? Well, yeah, I mean, that's kind of what they do.

What? I thought you'd enjoy it. It's like, do I bring you to a football game? So we're backstage after the show and standing in a long line of people when people that Christina is walking along, shaking hands and posing for photos with her nose turned up and pulling this face like she shouldn't have to breathe the same air as these people. She gets to my girlfriend, shakes her hand and takes a photo. Christina then holds her hand out to me and quick as a flash, I wave it off and tell her, that's okay. I'm not a fan. Oh my God, dude, you said that? To be fair, Christina, to Christina, she couldn't give a fuck and moved on,

but her bodyguard behind her was dying to laugh and gave me a little nod as he passed. Dude, I don't know, this sounds like all victory here. The story, I thought, all right, your girlfriend has to have a bad reaction to this. The story always gets a laugh with my mates, but the older I get, the more I think maybe I should have just been polite. I was at her show after all, so why be a dick? That was me in my 20s thinking I knew better than the rest of the world to know it all young Englishmen such as life. Well, you know what, you also fucking, you know that about yourself, it happens. Guess what, buddy, you are beautiful, no matter what they say. That's all right. Everybody says, do she think sometimes

that sometimes I actually felt bad for her, man, because that's the way she was blowing through the line though. That's one of those things where, listen, if you want to vacuum up the extra money with the VIP meet and greets, you got to fucking either do it or don't. Because the worst thing you do is charge them the extra money for the VIP and then blow through the line and then they actually feel like they got mugged. What needed to be said, hey, Billy pasty legs. I always listen to your show and recently you've been asking people to write in with their stories about things they should have said in the moment, but they didn't. Well, I have a story for you about something actually saying, someone actually saying what

they wanted in the moment and it was brilliant. So this is called what needed to be said. In high school, my friend and I all had the same geography class. I don't know why these stories are so satisfying, both ways, because I have empathy for the people that didn't say what they wanted to say and have to carry it. And then I got this like, all right, for somebody super duper for the people who said what they wanted to say. I still love that kid from the class. Well, who the fuck asked you? It's that hot chick. Our teacher was a holier than now feminist. The type that puts down men with every chance they get while building up women in the class at all times. Oh yeah, right in front of the guys. I took one of those classes about 30 years ago. When a guy would ask any question in

that class, she would treat him like an absolute moron. But when a girl asked out loud, is lava like really hot? This is a grade 12 course the teacher responded with, what a great question. Yes, it is. Yeah, that's how it works. It's very easy to go from being oppressed to being the oppressor. Getting to the point, one day she's going on an absolute tirade. Who knows what happened to set her off like this on this particular day. She goes on and on about how men are absolute creatures that the world doesn't need anymore because women can reproduce without them now because of sperm banks. Well, you'd still need us to jerk off into a cup. And that more women graduate high school and more women go to college than men and more women are starting to work and

hire paid jobs than men. And she finishes this rant with what do what do me even have anymore? Oh, you fucking idiot. You didn't write it correctly. What do me even have anymore? Well, what do men even have anymore? You forgot the end. Without missing a beat, the quietest guy in the back of room goes sports. All the guys in the class started laughing so hard. She kicked most of us out of the classroom, but me and my friends still bring that story up to this day when we're together. One of the funniest moments in high school was a moment when someone actually said what they should, they should have in that moment. Yeah, and she acted like an absolute child about it. Yeah, I mean, that is the thing. That's why I make fun of feminists. I don't make fun of somebody

for being a feminist, but just those loud ones. That's kind of how they, that's how they play the game. It's like people were sexist to me and the solution is for me to be the sexist. I still, it's this, this latest one where they canceled somebody was so fucking ridiculous. It was like the person that got canceled was obviously in the wrong and did something wrong, but the person that he did it to, they're not the ones that canceled him. It was a bunch of bitter comics that didn't get to a comedy festival and took that moment to fucking try to take this fucking guy out because not because they give a shit about black people. It's because they hate that guy, because he didn't put him into a fucking, a fucking comedy festival.

Which in my ways, it's like, doesn't that make you just as bad as he is? It'd be one thing if you actually gave a shit and at some point actually addressed what the guy did and how that makes people, black people feel. Nobody did. All they did was talk about what they did, what he did to them. And then I went to audition to the festival and he said this to me. And that's, that's what you really cared about. It's just fucking, it's so fucking stupid. The whole thing, this is such a stupid, crazy fucking time. And I'm not in wrong because you know what's funny? I got to tell you something. I went to this, this birthday party. All right. I went to this birthday party with my wife and it was at a gay bar and there was a drag

show. Okay. And I went in there and like five or six different people came up to me and I, oh, I really love your comedy. Got a picture, blah, blah, blah, blah. Great time and everything. So as he walked out, my wife goes like, wow, man, the gay crowd in there, you know, that was really, that was really cool. They really liked you, right? And I said, yeah, do me a favor. Remember that. Remember that the next time these fucking idiots try to do that cancel thing. Just remember that that is reality and that that other shit is just people just jockeying for this fucking narrative or whatever. Because if I was what a lot of people were saying to me, I am, if I went in that bar, I would have been hearing it from everybody. And instead it was the exact opposite. And I had

a great fucking time and so did everybody else. But that's not what counts. That's what's not, that's not what it counts. It's not what counts, what counts with fucking, I don't know, whatever. I would love to know what the percentage of people are in these cancel culture things. Why the fuck isn't this goddamn plug working so I can upload this fucking, oh, I know why, because I'm still recording. Fucking stupid here. Yeah, there's reality and then the reality that cancel culture is trying to present as they abuse their power, much like that woman that was teaching feminism, who is so hardcore feminist that she literally becomes a sexist and thinks the solution is to then do to men what was done to women. And then the reality is, is like, so the only reason why

you're not a chauvinistic pig is because you were born a woman. You're actually what you're fighting, that classic cliched thing. So that's it. That's my little fuck. I'm off the stump now. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Wednesday.