Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-29-15

Episode Date: June 29, 2015

Bill rambles about Milan Lucic, Improv classes and Dirty Feet Bitches.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, June 28th, 2015. How you doing? How are you? How are you? How are you? How are fucking you? I'm completely burnt out. I'm at the end of my tour right now, and I have to leave for my show in Tucson in exactly one hour. So I'm going to do a half hour of this podcast and then do my show, and then I'm going to finish it up after the show. So what you're basically going to have is stone sober me doing the first 30 minutes and then a slightly older, slightly wider, slightly more buzzed Billy Redface doing the second half of the podcast, because that's how this is going down, and I have to be somewhere immediately. Of course,

the second I fucking land because that's how it works in this business. It's how it works. It's how it works. Oh, are you going to have a little breather there? Are you going to have a breather? This is fucking yank that right off the table, but it could always be worse. I could have absolutely nothing to do, staring at a phone like that crazy bitch in that movie, the audition. You guys ever see that? She was sticking the needles in that fucker. That's what you get for trying to bang some crazy actress. They're not sticking needles into you literally, right? Listen to me, having the nerve to act like I'm even remotely sane. So anyways, this is the last night of the tour. I want to thank

everybody that's come out on this one, and I want to thank Joe Bartnick for absolutely crushing it right up until Wednesday, Bakersfield, the last one, and then fucking Jay Lawhead came in after fucking Bartnick gave me a strong seven innings. I went to the bullpen, you know? He gave me six and two thirds, and he walked the next batter, then I brought in fucking, brought in Lawhead. Lawhead crushed it, and it was a crazy week of shows. Then we did did someplace in the Inland Empire, and 98% of the people were cool there, and then there was just some of the drunkest fucking animals I've ever been, that I've been in front of in a while. I'm talking like literally screaming and whistling during setups, like I wasn't even saying anything.

And I just be like, well, you know, I've been doing stand-up for a while, and something in the back of my face is fucking whistling about what I don't know. I felt like I was doing like a rock concert, you know, like when you listen to a live album, and they'll end the song, and one of those mumbling jackass singer songwriters be like, you know, we've been coming out here for a while, and he'll, yeah, it's like, dude, he hasn't said anything. He's on his way to the point, and people are already screaming because they're fucking wasted. So my apologies to the sober people who are at that show. That show was fucking brutal. I'll be honest with you, man, that one was a lot of work with all those screaming,

and it was like 20 people, and they were in all different parts of the venue, and they were screaming and yelling, and I finally snapped in the end. And I don't know. And I said a word, I shouldn't have said, you know what I mean? And then something in the crowd, like related to it, and then it came up to me, and they fucking gave me the tickets back, and like, oh, you spent all this money on it, just and then through the whole fucking tragedy of their life, put it on me. I didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. You know, and it's just one of those fucking things. Once again, it's like,

dude, I talked about plane crashes, I talked about sinking cruise ships, I made fun of Bruce Jender. So I guess I gender Bruce Jenner. So I mean, it just laughed at me. So I mean, technically, wasn't all of that offensive? No, it was just the fucking thing that that was that was about your fucking life. And not only that, I just said a word, I didn't even do a bit on it. I basically said to the guy in the crowd, I said, the guy was such a fucking moron. 90 minutes of this guy finally snapped. I was like, dude, you fucking retarded. I never say that word. And that night, I happened to say it in a moment of fucking. Now, obviously, I'm not making fun of fucking

whatever you're supposed to say, mentally challenged people. Why would I ever do that? And I've said in the past, I didn't see these fucking people come up to me. You said in the past, you don't do that. And they fucking show me a picture of that kid and just put the whole fucking thing on me. And I want to apologize to the next 40 people in line because I was processing what the fuck just happened. And then I got livid. The way they fucking handed me the tickets back and I took them because I didn't know what they were saying like, Hey, I throw these things out, you're a piece of shit. And you know, it's like, it's like, if they're listening 100%, I apologize and 100% go fuck yourself.

Let me guess, let me guess, you never said anything fucked up, right? You never laughed at something you shouldn't have said, you never lost your temper and fucking said something. If you don't dump your whole fucking life on me like that, like I'm the worst fucking person ever, you are out of line. And not only that, once I realized what the fuck you were talking about, I said, Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. That guy was yelling, I shouldn't have said and blah, blah, and you just wouldn't accept it. You wouldn't fucking accept it. You had to have your moment. So you know, my apologies and fuck you. So that was that night. Anyways, you know what I mean? I mean, dude, some fucked up shit happened to me when I was a kid

that I will not get into, but I've seen comics joke about it. I don't give a fuck. I know they're not attacking me. I know they don't they don't wish that misery on me. Jesus, I'm in a comedy show, right? Christ, every fucking week you guys call me a ginger 12 ways to Sunday. I don't give a fuck. Do I think you really hate me? If you hate me, you wouldn't be writing in. I get it. You're fucking around. Sorry, I had to get that out. I was something I wasn't going to talk about, but if I didn't talk about it, it'd be fucking flicking me in the back of my ear for the rest of this podcast. So anyways, oh my God, I was literally going like, you know what? I'm never going out after a fucking show again. That's how fucking awful that whole goddamn moment was.

All right, probably, this is why I probably shouldn't have talked about that because now I'm fucking, I don't know. I wish I didn't say it. Why the fuck did they have to come that night? You know, what are the fucking hours? Why did that drunk have to be there? You know, if I just ended the show five minutes before I wouldn't have said, this is fucking kills you. You know, people, everybody's got a fucking moment now. You know what I mean? It's like, dude, I'm fucking driving through this country, right? And you just seen all the water out in California is that it brutally low levels. And, you know, oh, Tony Monsanto there. What the fuck you say? Tony's fucking with the food.

None of these counts running for president are going to talk about any of that. It's all going to be like the level with which people are freaking out that gay people can now get married. Who gives a fuck? I don't understand people trying to protect, you know, what do they call it? The sanctity of marriage or whatever these fucking morons are talking about. It's like, dude, I don't know if you've noticed like 60% of them go down the shit or anyways. You know what I mean? Maybe these gay people will be better at it than straight people and then they'll they'll up the numbers, right? Oh, those poor bastards, gay people. God bless you. But I don't think that you realize what you fucking walked into. We want to do it too.

Jesus Christ. You know what being married is like being married is like going on a ride at six flags. You know what I mean? It's fun. It's fucking exciting. But there's like a there's a fucking chance that one of the bolts is going to come off and you're going to go flying into the woods. Have I ever told you guys about that? I don't go to I don't go to amusement parks. I absolutely refuse. You know, maybe, you know, Disneyland, I would go to I've gone to that. But even then you go in Space Mountain, you're like, how fucking old is this ride? You know what I mean? Just there's always something going on. But you know, I feel like the stationary ones are safer because you know where they're at those ones where they pick it up and put it down and then leave town.

You know, you're still you flew into the bushes and they go, all right, let's wrap it up. And they get the fuck out of there. Plus the wear and tear of putting them together and taking them down and everything. Oh man, why the fuck did that happen? So that fucking just was the worst moment I've had as a comedian a long fucking time. Because I felt I really hurt those people. I didn't want to do that. But then to the way they fucking, you know, just right in my just the whole fucking thing. And then it wasn't until I just wish in the moment I could have said that so like plane crashes are okay, you're all right with that cruise ships, you're okay cruise ship sinking, that's fine. You know what I mean? Me teasing fucking Caitlyn Jenner, that's fine. That's not

that all of that's funny, right? Oh, I wish I had I wish I had a fucking videotape of them sitting in the crowd laughing at all of that shit. And that fucking moron that's what I should have called them. That was the thing I wasn't even thinking about like, you know, mentally challenged kids when I said that I was basically just saying, why are you being such a fucking cunt? Right. And then some feminists will come up to me. Um, I have one of those and it's called a vagina and fucking sticks the tickets back in my face. Sorry, enlighten the fuck up. How about that? How about that? If you're going to go to a comedy show, if not, you know, stay the fuck home, go watch lifetime. Anyways, I'm gonna keep going back to that. I don't give a shit till I get it

out of my fucking system. So, Oh, Billy Cardio went off the rails the last two days. I stayed out late. You know, some people that I work with showed up when I was in Vegas surprised me like, ah, let's go on and get a cigar. So I was like, all right. So we went out and stayed out till like five in the morning. And in the meantime, my, uh, my iPhone 4S finally shit the bed. You know, Bartnick was, he had the 4S and he finally switched to the 6. He was saying, he goes, dude, once that battery starts cutting out, you know, it's going to get worse and worse and worse. And it finally fucking cut out and I plugged it in and I was getting nothing. So, you know, the lovely knee is like, well, we got to get you a new phone. So, uh, I went into Caesar's,

Caesar's Palace next door, where, uh, they have all these beautiful shops and everything and all these fucking animals walking in and out of them like me, you know, shuffling around a fucking sweatpants. So some guy in there was like, true legend pants and a t-shirt. Did not see any Ed Hardy shirts. Ed Hardy shirts are gone. I don't know what ocean they're floating in right now. I'm guessing the Indian Ocean for some fucking reason. We can't dump it all in the Pacific, right? I don't know where those fucking things are. Um, but I guarantee you when they do the, uh, the fast times at Ridgemont High or some shit or the dazed and confused of this era, they're going to have people wearing those true religion jeans or maybe last decade, I should say,

in the Ed Hardy shirts telling you, dude, that's why George Carlin, another reason why George Carlin was a genius, you know, is if you notice most of his specials, he wore just all black. I mean, that's never going out of fucking style. You know, he probably figured that out after he had his hippie dippy shit that he wore in the seventies. You know what I mean? Some of that stuff. And he started looking at like, Oh my God, do I got flowers on my jeans? Why did I think that was cool? Cause everybody else did, but they got rid of theirs and there's videotape of you with yours on. So you look like the only asshole that wore them, you know? So, um, anyways, uh, I'm all over the fucking map here. So, uh, dude, Bakersfield was tremendous. Um, trying to work my way back to

think where the hell we were. Oh, I already talked about, I keep forgetting that I do the Thursday podcast. So you already heard about that, um, playing the Fox theater and all of that. And obviously Fresno, Fresno, California, we ain't fucking around. You come up here, if you smile, we're gonna bust a cap. You ready? Um, did that one and, uh, then we did two nights at the Mirage and, uh, just had a fucking amazing time and, um, tremendous crowds. And, uh, so tonight's the last one down here in Tucson, Arizona, and it was like a seven hour drive down here. We got up at like, uh, 9 a.m. or something like that, drove all the way down here and I got to get, we got a drive out of a venue here at like 6 45. So I'm gonna try to get through as much.

Maybe I'll do 45 minutes. Who knows? Last 15 of you guys are all like, Bill, cut it off now, get shit faced and then do the rest of the podcast. Um, so anyways, uh, oh, here's something. You know, it's a fucking pet peeve of mine and fucking, uh, I don't know if this is just about women or if it's casino women, I have no idea. But women who, uh, at the end of the night take off their high heels because their feet hurt and they just start walking down the street and their bare feet are walking across the casino rug and their bare feet, you know, bottom of their feet all fucking dirty. I was joking about that at the Mirage. I was like, you know what, you can't, you can't marry that. You can't marry that dude. That's a quitter.

You know, you, you couldn't make it till the last fucking 1500 yards up to your room. You couldn't throw a pair of little flippy flops into your clutch or something like that. What kind of a fucking animal? You know, I could only imagine. I know what women think. Well, if you had to walk around in those, yeah, you know, I'd have some flip flops. I would. There's no fucking way I would ever walk barefoot across the rub. People walk in and out of the fucking men's and ladies room with God knows, you know what the fuck goes on in there? Literally a shit show, a shit and piss show goes on in there. All kinds of bacteria and you just walking barefoot through it like you're Christ. Jesus Christ, your fucking girlfriend's got to wash your feet when you come

in. It just, it just, it's that to me, that takes a fucking 10 all the way down to about well, if we're just talking sex, who's kidding? Who are nine and a half? But if we're talking about the mother of your children, it's just, it's done. It's a done fucking deal. If she is an adult, if her feet are going to be that dirty, how filthy are your fucking kids' feet going to be? Yeah, you want to jump in on it? Grab a microphone. No, like late at night, that night we stayed out Friday night and we ended up at the, the deli there, trying to grab me a microphone here. Would that be in my bag? Christ, I don't know where it is. My backpack, yes. My pack that I put on my back, a.k.a. my backpack. Yeah, me and Jay ended

up in this, they got like this Carnegie deli or Carnegie, depending if you're from the east coast to the, or the midwest. I've noticed that in Pittsburgh, it's always Carnegie. East coast, it's Carnegie. Oh, traveling. So we were there and these two girls got into this who didn't have shoes on, kind of got into this drunken like sort of a little fucking play fight. So one of them kind of falls down and her legs go up in the air, like right up over the booth and I was standing there waiting to order and I just saw her, the filthy soles of her feet. And it just, I, I can't say it made me lose my appetite. It, I don't know, I'm just, I'm just babbling here because you know what I'm doing? I'm trying to find the other fucking microphone. And you know,

we brought it because you brought it. There it is. No. All right. So it's down here. Here it is. Oh, there it is. Was that, is this an entertaining podcast? This podcast has now been renamed to people looking for a microphone. Sonya, when we finally get this hooked up every deli, you're going to weigh in on this? You want to weigh in on it? You want to have your two cents? Hey, is Donald Trump been knocked out of the race yet? I'm really rooting that he stays in the longest. Just continue to be the most entertaining person on it because everybody else is going to go Al Gore. Oh, education. We got to, we got to do things. Yeah. Hang on one second. Let's see what we got here. All right. Check, check, check, two, two, two, check. All right. So what are

your feelings? No, I want to, yeah, talking about the dirty feet, dirty feet, bitches. Yeah. Here's the thing. I agree with you. DBBs, if you can handle your heels, you don't need to be wearing them. That's really the bottom line. And I know you want to look cute. I want to look cute. I want to wear high, sexy, gorgeous heels that make my legs and ass look amazing. Bitches want to be looking cute. But if you can't handle it, you need to not wear them. You need to save your highest, sexiest, most like goddamn looking shoes that shows off your pedicure when you have a date or whatever, when you're getting picked up and you go in the car, in the restaurant, back in the car, back to the crib. Otherwise, you don't need to be wearing. If you're going out dancing,

you need to find some cute shoes that are a lower heel that you can dance in and you can walk in. So you don't look crazy because I can't stand that either. Whenever I see a woman walking around with their bare feet, I want to scream at them. Like, don't, just don't do it. You know, it's great too. You know what? You can't handle it. Don't do it. And also save your feet. Be smart. It's not worth it. It's really not worth it. Looking like, what's the word I want to use? Can I say something? A trashy mess tracing through the casino with no shoes on. You know what else is great? Not worth it. It's when they take the shoes off and then just now they look like this little stumpy person in the short dress and the illusion of all the other women. You're like, oh my god,

look how long those legs are. You really start doing the math. You start knocking off a few inches. I have shoes that I wear if I'm going to a concert. Well, see the thing is I feel like if I go to a concert, I'm not doing that standing room shit because I'm too old for it anyway. But I have shoes if I'm going out. Is it fucked up that I say that I'm not I wouldn't marry someone that takes their shoes off? That's that's a lock the door test. That's a little extreme. The lock the door. Are you talking about the car door thing from a Bronx? Yeah. One of your girlfriends. Are they the take the shoes off people? No, you don't do you have any dirty feet bitches in your crew? No, I don't have any dirty feet bitches in my crew. Keep them on or you

don't wear them. Seriously, though. Well, there you go. So why the hell would you fucking marry that and have a kid? Well, I don't know if they got to have I don't know you need to make the leap from you take off your shoes to equals I'm not going to marry you. That's that's a bit of a that's a bit of a stretch. Unbreakable. Yeah, you're done. I might I might I might have to add that into the fucking act as far as like the people that you know when I when I'm doing my cleanse of the population. So the water supply stays where it needs to be. Oh, that would be another person I would get rid of women who take their shoes off when the final 10% of the night are content to walk down a public fucking street, you know, also women bare feet. Why don't you put in inserts

insoles into your shoes? I have insoles in all of my heels. They get the clear ones the Dr. Scholl's I know you feel like an old lady going into that section but I have them in every single pair of heels because and even still they hurt my fucking feet. You're asking them why don't they do something smart? Yeah, well, maybe because they're dumb who kind of fucking per I don't give a shit if I was wearing snowshoes when we went there's no fucking way I wouldn't I would I would take those off and walk barefoot across the casino. We went to the Michael Jackson show those shoes that I was wearing gorgeous, amazing, hurt my feet like a bitch expensive. I put the insoles in them unnecessary hurt and I stuck it out. I stuck it fucking out because I committed myself

to wearing them and I wasn't going to quit and I wasn't going to look like one of those girls because that's messy. That's sloppy. You don't want to look like that. Yeah, I rockied that shit. Yeah. Yeah, just take it. Deal with it. And if you can't hang, then don't worry. Michael Jackson show was amazing. Amazing. Even with the Scooby Doo kids. That was weird. That was for the kids. But I don't want to ruin the show. But at one point, I challenge any person to go to that show. And at some point, you're not thinking just put on the fucking hat. Just put on the fucking hat. That musical theater. Whoa. I get it. The hat has power. Put it on and do your fucking dance already. Jesus Christ. It's a Cirque du Soleil show. It's called one. It's tremendous. Please

go see the show and I challenge you not to tie magazine says all right, I'm gonna talk about cried. I'm gonna talk about hockey. Oh, so this is the part where I dip out, right? And this is the part where so thank you for not being a dirty feet bitch. I love you too. Fucking animals. So anyways, oh, let's talk NHL hockey here. Jesus Christ. The Bruins are going through a whole fucking rebuild here. I you know what? The only reason why Dougie Hamilton getting traded did not shock me was because the first half of this tour, I was I was working with Joe Bartnick who knows as much about hockey as anybody on the NHL channel. And he was saying like he was just doing his Bartnick thing just saying like they should get rid of Dougie

Hamilton. He's too much of a hit on the cap. You want to keep McQuade. He's a stay at home guy on defense. He sticks up for his teammate. Every team in the NHL is looking for a guy like Adam McQuade. That's the guy you keep. Dougie's too soft, blah, blah, blah. And I was just sitting there going, I like him. He's kind of offensive. But everything that he fucking said, then the guy gets shipped off the Calgary. I still loved him. But I never saw them trading Lucic. I mean, that guy, he's the fucking locomotive. He's the toughest guy in our fucking team. And now he's gone. Like, come on, Lucic's going down, crashing the fucking net. Who's going to do that now? You know, putting Ryan Miller in his place. Who's going to do that now? Sorry, Buffalo

fans. I'm fucking with you. I know he got frustrated because he thought he had a breakaway and it bounced over his stick. So he acted a little childish there. Who's going to stab someone in the balls when we need them to? Sorry, I'm actually bringing up his worst thing. Other than that, yeah, he's a fucking force. So now he goes to the Kings. And to me, once again, the West is way more fucking interesting than the East. How will Chicago respond to that force of nature that is Milan Lucic? That's now with the Kings. The only thing I liked about the trade is I live in LA. So it's yet another reason to go see that great team, even though they didn't make the playoffs last year. So all I will say about this is I hope

the Bruins know what they're doing. It's the exact same thing I said about the Patriots a couple of years ago when they did it. I don't know. I can't remember who the fuck they traded. I was just like, I hope they know what they're doing. And evidently, they did because we just won a Super Bowl. So at the end of the day, I'm a fucking comedian. What do I know about building a goddamn team? I'll tell you right now, I didn't like us getting rid of our GM. The guy obviously did a great fucking job. He won a Stanley Cup. He makes one stupid comment. And everybody listens to Dan Shaughnessy who doesn't watch hockey on any level. I don't give a shit. They need to make a move. Does Dan Shaughnessy even write articles anymore? Does he just take like fucking articles?

He's already written a thousand times and just pull fucking words out and put new new players names in there? I rip on that guy too much. You know what I mean? I rip on him too much. But the only time he really bugs me is when he fucking is when he when he trashes the Bruins. It's like, dude, you don't even know what the fuck you're talking to me. Don't even watch the goddamn splinter, right? So just shut up. Anyways. Oh, dude, so we pull in here to Tucson, Tucson, Arizona. And we're driving down the street. We're a little bit lost. And we get into this shit part of fucking town, you know, and we're driving down the street and this fucking white trash looking dude walking up the street just gives the finger to the bus as we drive by.

Lawhead's going, you see that guy? He's giving us the finger. What's he giving us the finger for? It's like, Jesus, Jay, do the math. Look at the neighborhood. What do you think? Fuck your things happening. He's blaming his whole fucking life on us rather than whatever got him into that situation. Be it racism or whatever. Well, not racism. He's white. I don't know what the fuck it was, but it wasn't the bus. Fucking bus. I'm not going to lie to you, maybe really uncomfortable. It's like, oh, should we be driving through here in this thing? Maybe we should have taken a fucking taxi. Anyway, so, so here we are. We got one. I got to read some of this fucking advertising.

It was at 615. It's one of the great things about being a guy. You can take a shower in like fucking three minutes, shake off like a goddamn hound, right? Poor women got to go in there, you know, put on all that clown makeup, put on their shoes, they're going to make their feet fucking hurt, you know? There's a lot of advantages. All right, here we go. Here we go. All right, Hulu, everybody, for the first time ever, you can now stream the entire Seinfeld series, arguably the greatest sitcom of all time, exclusively on Hulu. That's every episode, all nine seasons, all streaming on Hulu for $7.99 a month. Visit Hulu.com and sign up to get access to all of your

favorite Seinfeld episodes. Again, for $7.99 a month, you can watch all nine seasons of Seinfeld with your Hulu subscription. Speaking of that, I was actually watching some comedians in cars getting coffee. I watched the Jay Leno one, which he knew was going to be great because he knows all about cars. And what was cool, too, was also like stand-up history when, you know, that guy came up like when there weren't comedy clubs. So you're not going to beat that guy when it comes to like hell gigs. That guy went on after like strippers and shit. So he was talking about working the Playboy Club and how this guy would sit there and watch you and grade your act and then send the report card to Hugh Hefner. I mean, who knows if he actually did it, but he put the

fear of God in you. And then he had a story about doing a private gig, some Sinatra gig, and there was a real life famous gangster in the crowd. And it was just like, Jesus, this guy caught the tail end of the Goodfellay years. So it's a real, I highly recommend that one. I know I watched like three of them. The Jason Alexander one was cool. And oh, the Howard Stern one was great. The Howard Stern one was great. So anyways, so that's his other show. So you got to watch this. And Seinfeld was also nice enough to have me on the show, which was an unbelievable honor. So if you want to do the podcast a solid, check out the Seinfeld series on Hulu. Okay, Dollar Shave Club, everybody.

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there. And then I give it give some of it, I should say a portion of the proceeds. You know, I try to give to a fucking charity. And then I say what the charity is and I do that for six months and everybody tells me it's a scam and then I try to find another one. So right now I do it for St. Jude. As far as I can tell, they're on the up and up. All right. So there you go. Oh, that's 31 minutes. 31 minutes in. All right. So right now I'm going to hit pause. And I'm going to go off fuck that I can keep going here right. Can I keep going? No, I should get off. Oh, she's saying to get off the horn. Wait a minute. Oh my god, this fucking maniac. Jesus Christ, you know, the people know how to beat a fucking show. Certain people you hook up the fucking cool other people you hook

up and I'm here. Now I'm here. Now I'm calling your phone. Is everything going to be okay? Relax. Tickets going to be there. You're going to sit there, right? Your wife's going to take off her shoes, get her feet all dirty. You're going to slam a couple of fucking scotches. And I'm going to get up there and do a little fucking clown dance for you. All right. It's fucking an hour and 40 minutes before the show. I still I just haven't even put my red nose on yet. Oh, I was old Billy sport coach Saturday night in Vegas came out there with a pocket square and everything. And I actually stuck it out. And I wore the jacket for the whole show. Oh my god, this motherfucker. And I wore the jacket for the whole show even though it was starting to get hot.

The only actually the only real reason why I didn't take it off was because I had a white shirt underneath it and I'm pasty as fuck. And you know, I didn't want to, you know, I don't want to be up there looking like a head on top of a fucking candlestick. So anyways, oh, by the way, if you just end up working out, you know, the that Michael Jackson show those Cirque du Soleil people are fucking unbelievable. This one guy, he does a routine on this rope, climbing this rope up and down the fucking thing 80 80 fucking different ways for a whole song. If you can go up a climb rope climbing rope climbing rope climbing rope and come back down using your feet. You know, that's impressive. If you can do it without using your feet, that's

even more impressive. But what this guy was doing was just on a whole other level. And then the biggest beast of the show was this one woman who came out and was basically one of the strongest human beings I've ever seen in my life. She was doing stuff that just defied even some of the stuff like I've seen that like you ever see those guys like do like the human flag. And then they'll do like this. This woman did all of that and she would do it for like five minute chunks. She just didn't do it. And that's how you do the human flag. And then that's it. She'd be in that position for like 20 seconds and then go into something even harder. I remember her finishing fucking move. She's

upside down on on, you know, I guess it's called a stripper pole, you know, but what she did was so artistic, we'll just say it was like a street sign pole, just to give her some class there. Pole dancing. All right, there you go, whatever. So she fucking was upside down in a full split with no hands. Does that thing where you just sort of let yourself slide down the pole and then you stop yourself. When people do that with their hands, that's amazing. She did it upside down in a split and she did it with her legs and a smile on her face that never portrayed any sort of pain. It was the greatest display of, I don't know. She was unbelievable. She was unfucking believable. I can't say what I was just going to say. I was going to say picture

so and so in a bikini, but that would have meant bad. Anyways, all right. That's it for sober, Bill. Hang in there and through the magic of editing, I will be back in about two seconds and I'll be a little bit happier, maybe a little more hoarse in the voice and definitely a lot more, well, I'm not buzzed at all right now. I'll have a couple of fucking, I'll throw down a couple, you know, whatever. All right. Don't fuck yourself. I'll talk to you in a minute. All right, now back the magical mystery tour is coming to take you away. I don't know why that's in my fucking head. And now I'm not drunk. I've had two Bud lights. You know, I might as well had some raisin brand such a weak fucking beer. All right, so I did the last show

and great crowd and all that type of shit. Had a wonderful time in this conference room and thank you to everybody who came out to the shows and everybody came out to the tour and, you know, and I'm going to leave it at that because yeah, yeah, how do I not say it? I can't, you know, they were having one of those days down there. I can't say it. I can't, you know, wait, what are you gonna fucking do? I don't know. That's not the way you go about it. I sit there and I act like everything was fine. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you're not jumping on this talking that shit. I'm not gonna talk shit. Yeah, you are. No, no, I'm not, I'm not doing it.

I'm not doing it. Shush. The man has spoken and he said woman. Oh, Jesus. All right, let's get into the fucking questions here. All right. Oh, hey, yeah, yeah, you know, I'm just having one of those days, you know, just having one of those days. That's why everything's fucked up. All right, Jack Williams, Jack Williams, Billy Lansdowne Street. Not sure if you heard this. Lansdowne Street. Yeah, right down near Fenway Park. Back in the day, you wouldn't go down there at night. Now you can skip down the street. You can. Tra-la-la. I love Lansdowne Street. Used to hang out there during college. All right, WBZ for Boston News Anchor. Jack Williams retired this week. Wow. You know, I'm afraid to see how old he is. That's gonna make me feel even fucking older than

I am. Can you please give a short speech about him as though you were at his retirement party? Well, at his retirement party, so I'd be half in the bag. Yeah, I want to say something. Gonna wake up people. Jack Williams. Fucking Jack. I love you, man. We're both redheads. We're both in this business. I used to watch you when I was a kid and you were 40 years old. You and Liz Walker had a great rapport. And you always had a great sense of humor and that stuff you did for the kids. Wednesday's child. The guy's just, I love that guy. I can't believe he's retired. That guy, I mean, I'm like an athlete in this retirement party. That guy was the best. He is the best. Total professional. And he was funny as hell. And he had a great sense of

humor. Then the bet, I used to watch them way back in the day. It was Jack Williams, Liz Walker, and Bob Lobel did the sports. And that was it. And then they throw it to Bob. No way. No me. They throw it to him. And that poor bastard, I remember we used to go to Patriots games. He did this thing one year for some stupid reason. They thought this would be a good idea. And this is back, they've sent him to Sullivan Stadium. It might even have been Schaefer Stadium back then. They wanted to do this thing. Whenever the Patriots were right down on the goal line, they would record him, you know, for the segments later on in the news for him to be like, you know, and, you know, and it's whatever, 328 in the third quarter, the Patriots were down on the one yard line. And then

they would just, he would turn around. And then if they scored, he'd say in Tony Collins ran the ball in blah, blah, blah, blah. So he fucking would go down there and we're all hammered. And he'd be taken a knee and we just wait for his lips to start moving. And we'd all just start screaming, fucking no me. No, he'd be down on one knee. I remember at one point he was looking like it was getting upset. And then he just sort of just put the mic down like you had it in his hand, but he just sort of let it go down like that. He just shook his head and started laughing. It's just like, why would you do that to the guy? So anyways, all three of them, they were funny as hell. Bob Neumeyer was great too. And now he does all the horse racing and everything. So another Boston

legend. Retires, Jack Williams, thank you for all your great news class and the Wednesday's child and all that stuff. You were awesome. So there you go. I hope other people gave a fuck about that who weren't from Boston. All right, advice for my daughter. Top of the morning to you standard redhead joke that everybody's done of zillion time. All right, I want to thank you in advance for any advice you have for me or my daughter. My daughter is third, I'm gonna say the whole way through, is 13 and doesn't have many interests, at least none that she is willing to stick with. Well, she's only 13 dude, the fuck she's got to pick a career. You screaming at her every night. Is it going to be finance? You're going to be a nurse.

However, there seems to be one subject that keeps coming up that she asks my help with. And that's comedy. She's a funny and incredibly sarcastic kid, my favorite type of humor. Well, she probably got it from you then. Yeah, I was just about to say. Yeah. Oh, cause she's daddy's little sarcastic girl. And she wants to learn how to write jokes. I have searched for classes, but they appear to be given at a comedy club. And I don't think they would want a 13 year old girl around you wouldn't want to bring a 13 year old girl down to a comedy club. They've got a person like a sailor. They've got to have some kids programs. Don't they do that? Let me finish before you come in here with your wisdom. Can you recommend any kind of book

or video class that she can study? I've seen a lot of material, but I'm not sure what will help her get started. Big fan and appreciate any suggestions that you may have. And if you read this on the advice show, please give me a heads up. I will have her how the fuck when I give you I don't know who you are. What is the advice show? Let her hear directly from you and not shittily passed along from her moron father. And I would like to count how many mistakes you made reading this letter. I kept the word you want to talk about mistakes to when you said at least none that she's willing you spelt none NON. All right, fucko. I kept the word small for your illiterate ginger ass. It's such arrogant content. Maybe this is why your daughter doesn't like to share interest because

you're kind of a prick. No, he's worried that I'm going to shit on him. So he's going to shit on me first. So anyways, first of all, Emerson College, all of a sudden now you can major in comedy. I heard that tonight. Yeah, which kind of makes sense considering the comedic the comedic legends that have graduated from the school, such as Bill Burr, just the tickets that comics are selling. When I started out, there was a handful of people playing theaters. And that would be like George Carlin, Bill Cosby. See, I'm already forgetting. I mean, maybe those guys that had their TV shows. And when I started, Seinfeld still hadn't become a hit yet. So he was probably just selling out clubs. Maybe Roseanne Barb. She gave a fuck enough at that point because Roseanne was still going.

But there was a I mean, it was a short, short, short list. And now there's like a zillion people out there. It seems they're all playing theaters are all writing new hours and everything like I there's never been a more prolific time. So I think they've finally seen it when like, how many fucking comics have sold out Madison Square Garden? Like that was like, it was like Eddie Murphy did it. Dice Clay did it. And then Dane Cook did it. So there was like a fucking it was two guys in the 80s. Nobody in the 90s that I knew of no comic in the 90s that I know of that that wasn't what Eddie had already stopped. Dice maybe did it in 1990. But yeah, he was doing the show. That was when a lot of the comics were doing their own TV shows. Yeah,

Tim Allen. Yeah, I don't know how it happened. But all of a sudden now, you know, there's like, like, I think I know like five people that sold the fucking thing out. So it might it's now a, it's, it's finally, I think it's comedy. Well, maybe that they're having is like comedy writing in that. But I always look at it as like being a comedian. It's actually a, a, a, it's a career now where people used to kind of look at it, even though it always was a career, but it was always kind of viewed as like it was a stepping stone to get a sitcom. I find it strange that like major in comedy, it's cool, but it's like, it's such a weird thing. So they're probably weird. Do you have to be funny in like your application and shit? Like, how do you do that? They probably do

like the acting program where you have to do some material. They're probably study all like the history of comedy from the very beginning, like vaudeville up until now, they watch a ton of specials, they probably have to write. So kind of like when I did Emerson and I graduated with a media arts degree, right? We watched a shitload of movies. We wrote a lot of papers about it. That's probably what they're going to do. They have to do some sort of performance. Right. Well, right now, what I would say, his question was, what can you do now? I would just say, what city are they? Did they say what city they're in? I don't know. Listen, I would just say, just watch as many comedians as you can, or watch as many comedies as you can, depending if you want to be a writer or something like that.

I mean, these, these are the fun years. Like there's no, like you're 13. I mean, it's not like exactly. It'll probably, it'll probably change. It should be enjoyed. No, but it should be enjoyable. It should be enjoyable. Yeah. Why are you trying to make it a career for her already? No, he loves her. No, I know, I know. I'm just joking. But also, um, they do improv classes for people that age. That's a good fun thing to do. Don't do, don't take an improv class at 13. Why? That's like teaching a kid how to throw a fucking curveball. He's too young. Well, if you try to teach a kid when he's too young to throw a curveball, let me finish. You're fucking interrupting me here. They're fucking, uh, they, they get the Tommy John surgery. Now what? Now you're gonna

pout on me? I'm not pouting. There you are. That's your pout face. Is this my pout face? Yeah, I was trying. I had a nice fucking reference there about throwing the curveball. It was going well, and you, you were jumping it on me. So I decided to defend myself. And now you know what's gonna happen? You're gonna fucking, you're within three more dumb things of me saying of doing that thing where you cross your arms and you fucking look in the other direction. My arms are already half crossed. And then I say, what's wrong? And you go, nothing, nothing's wrong. Something's wrong. You got your fucking arms crossed. I don't understand what her going to an improv class is. Why is that a bad idea? Because a lot of those improv theaters, they also do comedy writing workshops and all

that kind of stuff. I'll tell you why. Because anybody who's in comedy and their job is to teach 13 year olds how to do improv, they stink. They married a rich guy and they're fucking bored. And now they think, oh, maybe this is my talent. And they're going to teach you more shit. This is this is what you do. It's not when I was 13. No, when you were 13. This is what you do. Hang out with your friends and joke around and be funny and find out the movies that, you know, make your generation laugh. Just do that. Just this is the, this should be fun. Should be fun. Yeah, that's a good point. Shouldn't be, you know, turning this into like the sports dads, which was the reference where they teach them how to throw a fucking curveball at 13. And the movement that you do when

you throw it, you're snapping your wrist like that. The tendons in their arms are still growing, whatever. I don't want it as medically, but they, their arm is not strong enough to do it. And these kids need Tommy John surgery, which is basically you take a ligament out of your fucking leg and replace it in the elbow from, they should be skipping rocks across the fucking lake. You know the advice that I gave. No, you're absolutely right. The vice I gave. Holy shit. Can you say that again? What? That's all right. I have it recorded. Good. Oh, when I said that you're right. You said absolutely right. I don't think I've ever heard that. Uh, the advice I just gave is to kind of advise my, my dad would give where he'd be like, well, get into a class and take this and do this

writing thing and he would make it this whole big stage. Regiment to think, well, there's a time and place for that. And it's not when you're 13, 13, you should be walking home from school. If they didn't have your fucking belief in as a pedophile behind every fucking tree, you should be goofing off with your friends and, and just, you shouldn't know how to make people laugh. You should just be fucking making people laugh. You don't want to break it down and be like, oh, I just made my, my 13 year old friend laugh. Let's see. Let's look at the setup. And what was the punchline you're going to start doing? Oh, here comes my, you know what I'm going to do today at school? You know what I do today? You're 13. I'm going to work on my misdirections. Dad, you wouldn't believe it. I tagged

this whole thing about the lunch lady. You don't want to do that. Just fucking suck all the fun out of it. Exactly. Just, I would say, watch the legends of today, like Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wigg, what, what, what the fuck you're into? And, uh, you know, I don't know. I don't want to tell you that. That's what I would do. I don't stick her in a fucking comedy class. Oh, Jesus. By that I don't know. Oh, Jesus. Comedy. What is it? Webster dictionary defines comedy as what is this thing that we call comedy? All right. Veg vegetarian, barbecue. Okay. Oh, Billy boy. The pipes, the pipes are calling. There you go. There's something new. Oh, Billy boy. I'll do justice. The pipes, the pipes are calling. Who's that song I was singing? Because you keep

watching the fucking repeats of true detective. From the dusty road. That's something, something else. We're in the ring. Fucking phenomenal show. I can't wait to see, uh, Vincent, that guy from the phone booth movie. Oh my God, you said the phone booth. Wow, you're really so the sushi restaurant. You're really reaching back into Colin Farrell's IMDB page with phone booth. I don't see movies. That's the last one I saw. And I just saw that to be like, how did these cheap fucks because they want to hire movie with the guy standing in phone, but wasn't in Times Square or something like that. So it wasn't cheap to shoot that. I know.

And it was a phone booth and it was like 2003 and they didn't exist anymore. I like your impression of that song, the theme song from true detective. Do it again because I love it. No, I love the song too. Until you watched every episode five hundred times. I'd be just walking around the house quietly from the dusty boat. Oh God, she's watching another one. That is the handsome family, a husband and wife band who do that music. And they also do the theme to the new season and they're amazing. And I love their music now. I love that gothic kind of becomes eclectic. Oh, I am. Oh, I'm so KCRW with it right now. Sorry. You sound like you're high right now. All right. Oh, I wish vegetarian barbecue. Oh, Billy boy. The pie's the pie's

last Sunday. My girlfriend dragged me to a vegetarian barbecue. Full disclosure. I was told that there would be grilled chicken skewers there, but I didn't see a single one. It sounds like something in Silver Lake. And we got there on time. Maybe that's how they lure people over. Exactly. It's a vegetarian barbecue. Terrible. That's like, Hey, let's go to this gay sex orgy. I swear to God, there's going to be some hetero action going on over there. And everybody's banging me in the ass. And I was just like, have I been duped here? I really went a long way to make that point. Sorry. You have to bring your own food to shit like this. Yeah. All right. Instead, I, you should have

brought the biggest fucking reddest steak you could find. It slaps it on right next to their dumb portobello mushrooms. Yeah. What's up, pussies? It's not what a man eats. I know I'm going to die before you, but I can look myself in the eye when I do whatever dumb things meat eaters say. Not like I don't eat meat. And I think I'm not dumb, but I like vegetables. All right. I didn't see a single one in the time of, instead, I only saw vegetable skewers, grilled corn, and a bowl of orzo. I didn't want to know what that is. It's a grain. It's like, it's like rice pilaf. That's what it tastes like. Oh, is that going to be the new craze orzo? The new craze. Some very pretentious side and wheat pita bread, not even regular pita.

They couldn't even give me that. I feel bad for this person. There's nothing worse when somebody fucks with the food. The only saving grace were a key lime pie. Okay. And chips and dip and some decent beer. That's pretty good. That's pretty strong. I could maybe forgive the veggie barbecue if the people holding it weren't the most obnoxious hipsters as well. Of course. They were both artist shocker and painful to listen to as they clatter on about about their vinyl collection and knowledge of obscure sci-fi shows. Again, did this take place in Silver Lake or Brooklyn or yeah, or Williamsburg? Yeah, but those aren't the only two hipster places. Yeah, that's true. The guy even has this weird nub of a ponytail coming out of the bottom of his

head. He's so cool. He can't even have a normal ponytail. Anyways, is it against the laws of men to have a barbecue without grilling any meat, be it burgers, dogs, brats, etc. Nothing anything. Nothing anything against vegetarians. He had to time not have the time but a third of time. That's the way they write it. Not my dumb fucking brain. Nothing to anything against. What is he trying to say that? Not that I have anything against vegetarians or their closet diets. But I feel like something has to die for a barbecue to go on. Wondering what your thoughts are on this subject. Thanks. And go frog yourself. Yeah, you basically went to a barbecue where all they had was the sides. You know what I mean? They had the zucchini and they had all that type of

shit. I think the mistake that vegetarians make is they try to replace classic meat dishes. Yeah, that's like if you have a toe was it toe forky toe forky, like it's like the fake turkey. Yeah, don't try to be turkey unless you're turkey, right? Right. Like don't fake it. Yeah, like a steak doesn't try to be zucchini. Exactly. Because it could never it could never be zucchini. Never be zucchini. Needs to follow its voice. No, if they had it, I mean, if they had any kind of common decency, they would have a separate little hibachi for the meat eaters. I don't have sympathy for this guy. He knew what it was. They said it. They did lie to him about the chicken. We have a little bit of chicken or something like that. But you have to bring your own food to these type of things.

You can't rely on on them. You got to bring your own shit and just bring it cooked. Because yeah, I was just saying you have to throw the steak on next to their dumb pork ball mushrooms. But they'll be like, no, no, no, I don't want it on the same thing. Man, like, do you just got to bring your own shit? You know, when this when this idea was presented to him, his inner voice said, I don't want to fucking go to that fucking shit. Yeah, you got to listen to that, sir. And then you won't have to hang out with these people. If I was ever invited to a vegan or vegetarian barbecue, I would say no. Do you remember that time we had the vegetarian Thanksgiving? We tried to do that. Oh, God, my family revolted against me. And that's how I learned

my lesson. Yeah, I was like, I want to do a vegan thing. It'll be just as delicious. It wasn't just as delicious. It was awful. And we were like, what the fuck, but we also did not do it. Yeah, and we were trying to be really healthy. We had just moved to LA, blah, blah, blah. It didn't work. A couple of douchebags. A couple of douchebags. And we had a douchebag Thanksgiving. Was that when I spilled half of the stuffing behind the stove and started crying? Was that that year? I think so. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, we made a vegetarian lasagna one Thanksgiving. Oh, God, it was a terrible idea. It's awful. Those fucking carrots in there. Yeah. Carrots in lasagna. Terrible. Awful. So then I then you know what, Jamie Massada down the laugh factory, he has this thing where

he feeds the homeless people down there. And he asked me if I wanted to do it. And I was like, no, man, it's my Thanksgiving. I don't want it. I don't, you know, I did it a couple of times. And it's just like, I don't want to fucking go down there. And then you have to go on stage. He always talks into going on stage. And you're sitting there. And there's a bunch of homeless people eating and they don't give a fucking you go up on your bomb. Last time I was there, remember me and Ian Edwards just fucking ate. It's funny to eat it on Thanksgiving, you know, it's a nice idea. Oh, it's great on paper on paper. It's a great dinner in a comedy show. They're fine. They're fine with just the food. Yeah, they don't need. Yeah, they don't need to be

like, Hey, how are you? So how are you guys doing? Not good. We're homeless. Is it at least open bar? Do they get a couple drinks out of it? Where are you guys from? The fucking rail yard? What bus station do you sleep at? That's how you do you have to switch up all your references. This guy must sleep in the bus station out there and Burbank and all the other homeless people looking down on it because they sleep in one and fucking Hollywood. So I ended up telling you because the vegetarian dinner was so bad. I said, Hey, I'm going to go down and go feed the homeless. Because right, that's right. Because right next door, sneaky son of a bitch and then you went to Greenblatt's

and you ate a Thanksgiving dinner and I wolfed it down and I felt so fucking guilty. No. And then I ran over to the laugh factory completely full and a big smile on my face and I fed some homeless people and Jamie's like, you want to go on stage? I go, No, he's like, Come on, buddy. That's going to be fun. It's like, Jamie, I'm not going up and eat my balls in front of these fucking people. They they're good. They're good with the food. Oh, come on, man. Come on. Now you did the right thing by by having a full Thanksgiving dinner. But me helping the homeless was was horseshit that year. I did not do it. I went I didn't go down there because I had to help the homeless. I went down there because I wanted a fucking turkey dinner. All right. What are we up to here as far

as time 22 minutes? We did 35 so I'm up to 57. All right. Dilemma. Another redhead joke. Hey, who would know? Who would have thought? Would you let P Diddy or anyone else that matter hit you in the head with a kettlebell for $50 million? No, I don't understand the point of these like random scenario questions that people I suppose like, would you rather get fucked in the ass by a centaur or no, no, but if it's like have a gargoyle, like give you and tonsillate or something. It's funny though. If it's if it's a if they're funny scenarios, you give you give somebody two awful choices. He just said that was it was one situation. It wasn't a dilemma. Would you do that? Would you let P Diddy and why? Why is P Diddy in it? Why is that? What does that have to do with it?

This is the thing where people pull things out of their ass that I have a problem with. It's lazy. It's like, would you would you let P Diddy hit you in the head of the kettlebell for $50 million? Like, what are you 13? Yeah, but I said no. A lot of people would say yes. Oh, just because it for the money. No, if I wasn't doing what I was doing for a living and if I wasn't comfortable, then yeah, I'd let him drop it on my toe. Yeah, but I'm doing all right. So no, I don't have $50 million. I don't have anyone near that. But I mean, I'm not doing that. And then somebody video tapes it. Oh, that big fucking kettlebell fail for the rest of my fucking life. That was the entire that was the entire question.

I got to be honest with you. I wouldn't want to make it that way. Make what? Why are you holding the mic? Like, I don't know. You're not supposed to you have it. Yeah, you're like, like, you're gonna sing into it. No, I wouldn't want to make it that way. What are you talking about? Make what what way? Like, all of a sudden, you had 50 million bucks. Oh, now you get yourself with a kettlebell. Yeah, you got a little tweet code on to some shit. And then you go into some party where every else has 50 million bucks. And they're like, oh, you know, I'm a fucking, I don't know what they fucking I'm a banker. Oh, I ran a Ponzi scheme. You know, something that took a little bit of effort. American greed. American greed.

I just find when people ask dumb questions like that that are meant to be some sort of probe into your psychotic work. It didn't work. The way you're let me give you a dilemma knowing it's like it's you're not deep. Yeah, you're being really harsh on the dilemma guy. All right, he took it. He took a swing. Well, I want people to come with a little bit more effort. That's all. Is it is it so wrong that I demand excellence? I'm full of shit right now. What's the dilemma you want opposed to me then? All right, let me give you a good one. Would you rather I don't know any famous people's fucking names. So I'm gonna have to describe them to you. Oh, God, this should be good.

I'm trying to think I love when you would try to identify actors. All right, would you rather have sex with? I can't even think of anybody who's just a fucking just somebody you wouldn't want to have sex with with an actor or like no one asked or not. Who's going to relate to anything other than this shit? Okay, the guy in seven who got force fed the fucking spaghettios. Oh my God, you want to fuck him and he's in that makeup. And when he fucks, he goes or or or or put some jam on your hoo ha and let some sort of animal lick it off. You have to bang the fucking spaghetti okay until completion. And and then he spends the night.

Or you can put some jam. No, I'm gonna go on on your hoo. Oh, needy. I'm gonna go with the first one. That'll be that'll be that'll be over and it'll be over in 37 seconds. I cannot be involved in the sexual situation with an animal on any level. 28 seconds. It's over. I will go with the fat guy spending the night. I'm not going to get into any beastiality. No, no, no, no, no, no, nothing. You let it do it to you for 10 seconds. The animal. Oh my God, you're disgusting. No, nothing with an animal. No, absolutely not. No, nothing ever. Wasn't that funny? That was funny. There you go. See, that wasn't funny. Well, fuck, he's not a fucking comedian. Well, you're what you're going to do is you're going to make everybody gun shy to

fucking take a big swing and everybody has a swing and a miss. Oh, no, no, no, no, they're gonna like tweet and send in all kinds of crazy dilemmas now, which it actually should be kind of fun. I just don't like it when they just don't make any sense. And I actually just gave you a hacky one because they're always sexual. So like I because when we were doing the dilemmas, what happens is just became it just it just kept going sex. Would you rather fuck you, mom or fucking dad? It's like Jesus Christ. It's like watch one of those comedy central roasts where like by the time you get up, if you're like ninth on one of the thing, the level of mean you have to be, especially because all of those fucking roasts, so many of them were just like the comics roasting

the person didn't know them. So they didn't have any personal stories. So it was just, you know, everybody was on the same stake. But what are these dilemmas or the would you rather scenarios? Like, what are these things attempting to prove? Like, yeah, if someone's like, would you rather have sex with your mom or sex with your dad funny? I was just supposed to be like, I'm looking too much into it. All right. Yeah. Fair enough. Oh, would you rather watch dishes at Denny's or wipe the syrup off the tables at IHOP syrup off the tables. Third shift for a year. Wait, you can't you can't add things on after I answer the question. You ask me the question. No, no, no, no, no, no. You gotta wipe the syrup off the fucking tables.

I'd rather do that. Third shift when all the drugs come into this fights when the YouTube videos get made. Or Denny's. You got the afternoon shift from two to five. I just got to wash all these fucking plates, but they're left over. They're left over from the morning and the lunch rush. Wipe off the tables. But you're done two to five, two to five, or you got to work a full fucking eight hours. You come in at 10 o'clock at night and you're done at six in the morning. But all I have to do is wipe down tables. Yeah, wipe down tables. And then the other option is fucking hours, or you just wash dishes for three hours and you have your whole fucking morning to yourself and the whole night. Okay. I may have to. All right. I might have to change that then.

I don't know. It's a lot of fucking dishes at IHOP. No, at Denny's. At Denny's. A lot of dried syrup. You know what I mean? A ketchup and all that shit. Yeah, and people you have to like scrape off the plates first too, and all that shit, you know, like the bus boys, they just put down. Oh, you wait, you wait three months anyway, you got to clean out the fucking grease trap. Yeah, something you'll never forget. No, I'm sticking with the wiping down the tables because I can kind of have fun. I can like chat with people. I don't want to stand back there for three hours. And people like I've seen people blow their nose and like put the napkin like on the plate

and all kinds of disgusting shit. Like I'm not touching that. I'll wipe, put on a pair of gloves and I'll wipe down the table, spray some fucking antiseptic or whatever disinfected. And you get home at six, you leave at six, you get home at seven in the fucking morning. You're so fucking wired. You can't go to bed until 10 at eight. And then you fucking sleep until what three, four o'clock in the afternoon. Then you got to go back in at 10. It's just you have no fucking life. You like one of those like that guy who's who's in the paparazzi movie. Hey, I'm going to take your picture and then kill my friend. I love when you talk about movies and actors. Hey, I'm going to take your picture and kill my

friends. I love that movie too. Wasn't it called paparazzi? Nocturnal nightmares. Oh, did I have Cole Hauser in it? No, that was it was it was it was the one it was the it was the one with Goren East East East and if it's just like that, the tennis player. Oh, one of those crazy Jake Gyllenhaal. Oh, Jake Gyllenhaal. Yeah, night, night stalker, night crawler, night crawler. You were, you were describing night crawler this whole time. Hey, I'm going to take your picture and I'm going to kill my friend.

What did you think I was talking about? You did describe night crawler. Single white female. I thought there was a movie called paparazzi, like a real movie called paparazzi. Oh, yeah. Wasn't there Cole Hauser? Cole Hauser. Okay. Okay. All right. Here's the deal. Would you rather get slapped in the face by Cole Hauser? Or have the spaghetti old guy give you a hug naked. Slap in the face by Cole Hauser. There you go. I love Cole Hauser. Yeah, enough to let him slap you in the face. It's going to end up on you too. Because I feel like it might lead to something else on one of those.

You know, I'm so tired. I'm going to give a shit that you said that I don't give a fuck. She's all yours, Cole. Go ahead. You want to deal with this fucking thing? Or have the naked guy from Seven give me a hug. These are good. No, because if you actually chose the hug, then I was going to add while he's softly wept into the nape of your neck. All right. I have to ask you one now. Okay. Would you rather take an etiquette class with Martha Stewart? Martha Stewart. Let's try to think of things that you haven't been able to do. I'd hang with her in a second. Or would you rather...

Hey, Martha, what was it like when you went to jail? Or would you rather do a dance recital with Ellen DeGeneres? Oh my God. No fucking... There's not even a... You wouldn't want to do a dance recital with Ellen. You'd rather sit through an etiquette class with Martha Stewart? No. I might go with Martha Stewart too. I can't watch Ellen dance with her crowd. I can't watch her do with that. Why?

Because I know she's a fucking stand-up comic. And maybe she did it a couple of times because she thought it was fun. And now they expect her to do it, right? Now she has to do it. And now she's good people coming up to her in restaurants like, I love to dance too, Ellen. She probably hates it. Yeah. And probably thinks about murder, suicide. Every fucking time it happens. I see it in her eyes. When I watch that, a part of me dies. Part of my soul fucking dies when I... Every time I watch her fucking do that.

It's just like, it's your show. You don't have to do that. Would you rather be grilled about your comedy by Oprah Winfrey or... Or... Or... Or... Or just a guest host on The View. What's the... Oh, The View is the... Yes.

Oh, I could have fun on The View. With Whoopie and I think it's Rosie Perez is on there now. Oh, I would have so much fun on The View. I would just keep bringing up feminist things and just say, I don't understand what the problem is. Just to see how Maddo could make Joey Bayhar. She's not on there anymore. Or is she? I don't know.

I don't know. I don't... I would just act like a fucking idiot. And be like, no, I'm just asking. Would you rather go on the road with Guy Fieri eating all the food and just doing all that with him? Getting sunburned in that fucking car. Getting sunburned. Or would you...

I'm already out. Because I wouldn't want to get in the car with him afterwards and hear what he says about all those people, Jesus Christ, that fucking suck, man. And be careful what you wish for. I thought this was going to be fucking fun. I mean, I know I'll make money and everything, but if I eat one more fucking sloppy joke, I swear to God. Or would you rather dress up like Mario Batali

and like, you know, go to book signings with him as like a little comedic relief? Hey, is my... Mini me... Yeah, be his mini me. Because that's tied into me as a comedian. I have to get sunburned with Guy Fieri. I just fuck with him the whole time, just subtly.

Guy, I mean, I'm not wanting to talk about hair or anything, but you know. At the very least, can you stop wearing your sunglasses on the back of your head? I know that was cool. Why does he do that? What is the point of that? Because he's part of that generation that got the barbed wire tattoo on your arm. Doesn't he look like he was in that band? What's that one?

I'm hey now, you're a rock star, get your game on. Go play or whatever it is. What is the name of that group? Smash Mouth. Smash Mouth. He looks like he should be in Smash Mouth or are they the same ones that sing Maddie's We'll Be Walking On? Yeah, or like Hoobah Stank or something like that.

Hoobah Stank. Hoobah Stank is not the same. Why does this not fit? Didn't they sing The Reason? I think I like that song. I don't know, Nia. I have no idea. I don't know anything about that whole time during music.

I was doing stand-ups so much. I have no idea who Hoobah Stank, Three Mary, Four, Blink 182. I know who they are. I like them. I don't know why everybody shits on Travis Sparker as a fucking drummer. He's an incredible drummer. He's a fucking great drummer.

I never used to see this. What's the problem? He's fucking lame. I don't know what it was. What it was was there was a lot of young kids that thought he was the greatest fucking drummer because he was playing in a pop band. So they just knew who he was.

So then all of a sudden, because they thought he was the greatest, it's all of a sudden Travis Barker said he was better than John Bonham, which he never did. Hey, how about we met the drummer from Nine Inch Nails? Sorry to interrupt. Oh, yes. Yes, we'll do.

How about we met the drummer from Nine Inch Nails and his lovely girlfriend, Charity English, who I got to meet. Hey, you name-dropping all over the fucking place. Who, if you watched Cycle 7 of America's Next Top Model, she won. I'm sorry. I'm girling, nerding out right now. All right, you know, we're going way over,

and we got to early fucking flight tomorrow. All right, all right. Nia, would you rather? All right, I got to come up with a good one here. Would you rather? And on a good one. Flying a plane around the world. It's a fucking one of those old propeller ones,

where you sit in the back with the single seat right next to the bathroom, and it already smells before it takes off. Would you rather do that? Or, oh, Jesus, how do I top that one? Would you rather do that? Or I got nothing. It's too fucking late. Jesus, don't fucking close like this.

Now I'm just thinking of doing something on a train. Fly around, so fly around the world in like the worst seat on the airplane. Yeah, you're not going to see anything. You're just going to take it like fucking four days to do it. Okay. Either do that, or lay in a nice comfy bed and watch American Greet. Lay in a nice comfy bed and watch American Greet. Let's fucking do that.

All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Thank you for listening. Thank you to everybody who came out on this tour, man. I had a great time, and I will see you next time. And that's it. All right, see you.