Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-4-12

Episode Date: June 5, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about NBA refs, riding a dirt bike, Axl Rose's kilt.

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Good morning podcast for Monday, June 4th, 2012. 2012. How are you? How's it going? I know, I know, it's a little late. It's a little late. But you know, can't you just go twiddle your thumbs and do something else for a minute? You know, instead of going on my Twitter and breaking my balls. I know what you're thinking, Bill, you don't really don't have a fucking day job. There's really no excuse for you having this podcast late once again.

Well, listen, if you've noticed, like Axl Rose, I am also a balding redheaded performer. And we are notorious for starting shows late, for sitting in our trailers, you know, making sure our kilts fit correctly. Listen, you knew that band was just fucking really was just going over the top and there was nobody saying no in their camp when he came out, you know, when they wore the kilts. They say, what are you doing? All right, you're not Scottish. I'm sure you have some sort of Scottish heritage.

You're ginger-bested in your blood. But you know, you're from fucking Rhode Island or whatever, Indianapolis. Where was he from? Illinois? What? You're in America. It's not a kilt. Let's say St. Patrick's Day.

St. Patrick's Day. I'll look the other way. Other than that, you're wearing a fucking dress, you know, and who stole it years later? Kurt Cobain came out wearing a summer dress because he was sad and he thought maybe if he felt a little pretty that, you know, Jesus, Bill, you're really going to say, well, fuck it. I'll say it. Maybe he wouldn't stick a fucking gun in his mouth.

You know, where the fuck do you get off making fun of that? Oh, fuck you. Believe it or not, I'm actually in a great mood. The reason why I was late today, this is my, this is my, the dog ate my homework excuse, was I finally went out riding a motorcycle today. That's what I did. I had a manly morning. What did you do?

Huh? You sit down and eat some fucking lucky charms. Huh? You pansy. Are you sitting there smelling like gas? I don't think you are. Is there anything worse than when somebody just picks up a new hobby and then they go out and they just buy all the gear and then they start walking around like they're fucking

Clint Eastwood. Well, lucky for you guys. I'm not one of those guys. And the only reason why I'm not is because I'm an old bastard now. And one of the great things about being in an old bastard, about being an old bastard, one of the great things aside from having an enlarged prostate is, is you know your limits. You've gotten fucked up. Somebody kicked you in the head by now.

You fell down a flight of stairs. You fucked up some relationships. You know, people, you know, have gotten fucked. You realize. You realize that there's not some dude in the air that gives a shit about you. You know, that you have some sort of guardian angel just looking out for you. No, if you're a fucking idiot, eventually you're going to get fucked up. Well, is that true though?

There's a couple of golden childs out there. Doesn't everybody just know that guy that you've just been predicting, you know, a guy's going to get his fucking ass kicked. I'm telling you, it's going to happen. Remember this conversation. Remember, I said it. Okay. Well, fucking guy, he doesn't show any respect.

He's always running his fucking yap. I tell you, I would have done it if I didn't have so much to lose. You know, I would have kicked his fucking ass if X, Y and Z in this scenario. My wife wasn't yelling at me, you know, and he just keep predicting that this guy is going to get his ass kicked. And you know, there's always that guy where it just never happens. And once they hit 40, and if you've never got your ass kicked by 40, it's pretty much not going to happen unless there's some sort of home invasion.

You know, I would think, or unless for some reason you take up drugs late in your life, right? eating somebody's fucking face and growling at the cops. It's just, you know, isn't it unbelievable that I refuse to watch that video? And if you, if you watch that video, like before, if you haven't watched it yet, you know, just those videos, that's like getting just deliberately putting a virus on your computer. You don't want that shit in your own personal hard drive.

You don't want that, you don't want that rolling around in your head. You don't want to see that shit. You have a fucking meat like, you know, veterans who've really seen some shit, be it military or cops or whatever prison guards, they got that look on their face. They just seen too much shit. Christmas music starts fading away in the background. You just, why would you deliberately do that to yourself? All right.

It already sounded horrific enough. It's already making my stomach turn. I mean, that's just, what kind of world do we live in? Whether it's something like that app, that's the new drug. I mean, on one hand, you got to hang it, hand it to the youngsters, you know, every time, you know, you think your generation has taken it to the limit. The next generation somehow figures out a way to top you. It's one of the great things about human beings.

That's why cars keep getting better, right? People figure out how to make a sandwich a little more tasty or just, you just keep improving. But that also goes with evil shit. And I always thought, you know, the crack 80s, when I saw crack babies, I was like, that's it. I don't know how you top that, you know, some little shivering, fucking guinea pig of a kid never had a goddamn chance, comes out addicted to crack. How do you beat that?

You know, and then along came meth heads, right? It sounds like the beginning of some spin off sitcom, right? I think meth heads was the flow from Alice to crack babies. If you were making a sitcom about drug use, you know, male, kiss my grits. That was fucking meth heads. Just go with me on this. Don't be it. What else are you going to do?

Huh? Go to work, sit in your cubicle and actually get something done and earn a fucking living. That's right. Wrinkly, your fucking nose at me in my podcast. What are you doing? Huh? You know, yellow Oreo cookies you got down from the vending machine at those tasty. They are, aren't they?

Now your blood sugar starting to crash. Look at you big, stupid head on your hand acting like you're trying to figure something out on your computer. You're not, you know, maybe you're in an airport and you just finished off some fucking horrible food. All right. Now you're going to go waddle your ass onto a goddamn airplane. Um, what does it have to do with anything?

Oh, so anyways, then you had meth heads who I thought were basically real life zombies as far as you, as far as you could take it. And then along comes this guy along came Polly, right? Just like the movie, except Philip Seymour Hoffman's eating somebody's face. How great is that fucking basketball scene? By the way, Ray dance, old school, old school is the best, um, eating somebody's goddamn face. I refuse to believe that that's the drugs fault.

I think you, you, you got to be like already a maniac and then you do some new psycho drug, but who knows? Maybe that's the new thing. Maybe that's what the kids are doing and then, and then the guy fucking survives and now you're in the hospital. I mean, I would just be like, dude, kill me. I was laying in a hospital bed and then they're acting like they're going to somehow fucking do a face transplant on me.

Like from what? Bill, can you hear us in there? Listen, we have your stabilized. We've got new, I would immediately just, I would be just start feeling around my hospital table for a pen and I would just be like, shoot me. Actually you know what? I wouldn't, I wouldn't because then they would be like, well, we have to prevent him from doing what he wants to do to himself right now.

And so I actually, I wouldn't say that I would just write, Oh, great. On a post it and then stick it to my non-existent forehead and I just keep pointing to it every time they talk to me. And then the second, yeah, I felt like I was alone. How would I do it? That'd be great. Just roll right out the fucking hospital window with your ass hanging out of the back of that robe.

I'm sorry. I feel bad for that guy and everything. I'm not making fun of that guy, but like, I don't have the internal strength. Like you ever see that shit? Like when, uh, like Christopher Reeve gets thrown off a horse, hits the ground like a fucking lawn dart snaps his neck and then the next Oscars, he's wheeling himself out with his like tongue smiling at the crowd. Like I feel fortunate to be alive.

I feel lucky. There's no fucking way if I'm ever presented with that challenge that I'm going to handle that even remotely in a dignified way, there's no fucking way I'm going to, I'm not as strong as those people. I'll just be, I will just be, you know, like I said, sounds great was going to be right on my fucking forehead and I'm going to steer my chair right down a flight and stairs and that's it. It's over.

I'm willing to roll the dice, you know, about what happens after you, after here personally, you know, these fucking people who go through shit like that and then are able to continue on with their lives. And like, you ever see these fucking people, they're like, you know, right in a fucking novel with their left foot, you know, I'm sitting, my girl's like, take out the recycling. I'm like, I mean, I just, you know, if there is a higher power, I think he knows who to fucking challenge. He's taking a look at me and oh geez, we'll let that one go.

This fucking asshole can't even make the goddamn bed. I'm going to send him flying off a fucking horse. Are you serious? Um, so anyways, let's get on with my day here. I had a phenomenal day. I went dirt bike riding this morning for the first time ever, never rode a motorcycle. And I got a minute. I did all right for a night.

I was driving around for like an hour and then next thing you know, they taught me into going out on the track where they had jumps and shit. But it wasn't like, you know, they were fucking steep for me, but they had like the plateau so you could ride right over them like a little bitch, which is exactly what I did. And it's why I didn't get hurt a couple of times. You know, I got into like second gear and I kind of was like, whoa, and there was like a fucking fence with a telephone pole. And I was like, yeah, you know, I don't want to be doing that.

I don't want to be fucking laying there, you know, with my rib cage slammed into all my vitals. I don't feel like doing that. So I, you know, I kept it slow. Then I got on the track and it was hilarious. I thought I was flying when I was on the track, but someone was taking video of it, which I will give you. I will put up on the podcast page.

Hopefully if it's sent to me by the time I post this, I'll definitely at least have some photos, but I thought I was flying right like that was flying. Then I watched the video. I looked like it looked like I was riding like a fucking moped, but anyways, I drove around for like two hours, got it down pretty goddamn good and I only ate shit once. I was on the track and I don't even know what happened. It was like I was up and then I wasn't. I was like, I got it.

It's going good, man. I want to kick up some dirt. That was it. Laying it on my shoulder, jacked up my thumb a little bit. And you know what I did? The old man in me said, you know what, Bill? You know what? I think that's good for a day.

I think that's good. I rode right off the track. I went around it one more time, you know, just so I'm not like afraid of it. And then I just went over and I pulled up to the truck and I got some water. The instructor dude came up today. You want to ride around again? I was like, nah, you know what? I think I'm good.

One face plant is good. I got a podcast I have to do. I got the gist of this shit. I'll definitely be coming back. It was a great time, man. It was such a good time. I took my truck out there, met the buddy of mine. He had the buddy.

He was going to have a couple of bikes. Just an adventure today. You know, we got off at the exit. There was these two dogs that look healthy. They're just running down the fucking highway. Tongues hanging out like, you know, big spoon tongues. And we were pulled over, picked them up, gave them some water, parked in the shade, let them hang out there.

Fucking awesome dogs. They were filthy, but they were well fed and they had collars. So we, it was hilarious. Like right next to the track was this guy. He had like a fucking, just was living in like a double wide. Like Motocross, you're there for two seconds. Did you just feel it? It is a white trash sport.

That's why I loved it, you know? My fucking inner redneck, you know? I mean, you could just feel it, you know? Gas, gears, meth. The whole fucking thing was right there, you know? Mullets. You know, everybody there sucked at meth, but they can convert a lawn mower into like a fucking Ferrari if they had to, you know, or at least a Mustang.

That whole vibe. So right next to the track was this guy had like a double wide. He had like fucking 20 dogs. So the dude who picked up the dogs is going, well, let's just drop them because we're yelling and the guy didn't come. I'm like, well, let's just drop them over the fence. And I, you know, I watch that dog whisper shit and I see like when a dog comes up to the pack and everybody starts freaking out and I'm like, I don't know about this guys.

I don't know. So we lift the dogs up and the pack of me is just like, all right, not a good idea. Not a good, we almost threw these dogs to their death. So we ended up putting them back in the truck. I know there's a couple of people who know a lot of stuff about dogs right now. Don't worry. It has a happy ending. Okay.

So you can relax. All right. Uh, your Ikea chair, um, this has a good ending. So we ended up going to the track. We parked in the shade and the dogs immediately just, you know, passed out. They were so exhausted, poor things. And um, they were friendly as hell. So when we were done, we ended up just looking up, uh, the humane society and they had a

drop off and we went over there and we came walking in with them. Didn't have leashes. We're like carrying them in and shit. And uh, we come walking like, Hey, how you doing? My whole head is like, please, you're not going to kill these dogs in like 20 minutes. Right. So we brought them in the second we came walking and they were like, Jesus Christ, those dogs are back again.

Uh, we know those dogs and you know, they had, they were microchipped, scanned them and shit. And, uh, which was unsettling because one of my buddies is going like, Oh, these things are microchipped. You know, then the conspiracy theorist and me is just like, yeah, we're next. That's what they're going to do. They bring us into after we escape a FEMA camp onto your papers, please. And they're going to fucking tackle your scan you and send you right back to your camp

in Fresno. Um, but let's get back to the happy ending. So they knew the dogs, they scanned them, they called the owner and then they ended up coming down and getting the dog. So we did a good deed. All right. That's why the podcast is late because I was acting like a fucking eight year old, but we rescued dogs along the way.

Isn't that a nice story? I gotta tell you something. You've never gone dirt bike riding. You got to do it. And I can't imagine when I saw some of the kids down there getting to ride those bikes like how fucking incredible that must be. You know, so I remember when you were a kid, you just sitting there riding in the back. You're always the passenger.

And then all of a sudden one day you turn 15, 15 and a half, you get your permit next to you. You're driving down the street. It's the greatest fucking feeling ever to feel that at eight to go from literally like mom, I don't want to eat liverwars to like fucking a half hour later, but flying around the track. It's just incredible to me. But anyways, it was an awesome time and I don't know, but I don't know if I have time

for another hobby and I got to tell you like, you know, it was fun, but it was fucking scary. I didn't know I was doing at one point like I let out the clutch and I just started flying and I'm in the parking lot. It's all dirt and I'm heading towards these trees and these cars. And fortunately I remain calm and I had to like, I had to like think what do you do? I'll push in the clutch and here's the break. Okay. And it's the exact opposite where, you know, I'm used to driving my truck.

I push in the clutch with my foot breaks, obviously with the foot and now it's the opposite unless you use the back brake, which is on the right side, the whole fucking thing. But I was able to. It was hilarious. I stopped and when I turned around, I saw everybody in the parking lot was laughing. And I was just sitting there like, dude, I am just a fucking YouTube video waiting to have this. I am.

I should have had epic fail, uh, written across my shoulders. It was, it was a little sketchy in the beginning, but I just kept, you know, you know, I watched a couple of YouTube videos on how to ride a motorcycle and they were just like, look, keep, you know, keep it in first gear, let out the clutch, get going a little bit and then learn how to stop and then just keep doing that over and over again. So I just kept doing that over and over again. So once you can slow the fucker down, you're all right. And I was, I got it into second gear a couple of times, but like I said, I wasn't, uh, you

know, I wasn't trying to break my collarbone or even worse fucking be a lawn dart right into the, I'm just not, I'm not, I'm too old. I can't make a comeback from that shit. You know, you know, kids are all positive. They like fall out of a skyscraper and like, yeah, I'm good, you know, put on some cartoons and they're like up and walking in like a week. Like that, that would have broke me as a human being. I'm not, I'm just a shit talking asshole.

But when it comes to stuff like that, like I'm not, uh, I know my limits. I fucking know them. There's a couple of times I got it up into second gear and that fucking voice that you ignore when you're a youngster, that voice that's going to what the fuck are you doing and just plays out the scenario, you know, of laying in the back of the ambulance and that guy flashing the penlight in your eyes, just playing out that scenario and all the canceled gigs I would have. And uh, and every time, you know, it fucking, it's below 30 degrees out.

My fucking liver hurts. Like I just played all of that. Every time I thought of that, I just kept slowing down so, but, uh, it was fucking awesome and, uh, and that's it. There you go. There's my dirt bike story. That's why I'm late. All right.

Um, okay. So this is the Monday morning podcast, everybody. Did you go? Did you watch some fucking sports about them Celtics, the fucking seas, kid? They tied it up. What'd I say? Yeah, I did. I fucking said it.

Oh, yeah, fuck, you're such a fucking cunt dude. Um, the fucking Celtics tied it up. Holy shit. Amazing. I got to tell you something right now. I have an, the utmost respect for fans of the NBA. It is the most fucked up nerve wracking game. It's, it's, I can't even explain it.

No team can go up by 20 points and fucking hold the lead. They just can't do it up by 24 and all of a sudden Stern calls the refs to fuck you guys do it. The rule is 15 points, 15 or more. And then they just start to tweet, to tweet, to tweet, to tweet, foul away from the ball. And I've never watched this sport where you hear the announcers review a call like six times a game. They go, I don't know what he was looking at there.

Anyways, Rondo pushes the ball up court, you know, how many fucking times it's the most frustrating sport I've ever watched in my life. When the Celtics were up by, uh, we're about like 15 or whatever, scored 61 in the first half and then all of a sudden you score 28 in the second half. It's like, what is going on with that? That doesn't make any sense to me. Like when a pitcher comes out and he's on and he's got his stuff, he has his stuff. He doesn't like pitch, pitch lights out for four ratings and then like let up like 19 fucking

home runs. Doesn't happen. He's fucking NBA. They said they're up by 24 points and then all of a sudden they can't get a call. They can't get a bucket and all of a sudden they said, it's a fucking four point nail biter. We were up by 24 points after three quarters game three, 24, if you score 24 points, that's a solid quarter worth of fucking points and somehow it went down to being like an eight

point game and I was just losing my shit and the more I was watching it, I was just convinced that it's manipulated by the refs. I don't give a fuck what you say. There's no other official that has more power than an NBA referee. They can kick people out of the fucking game. Okay. You can call attentional grounding on Peyton Manning. You can call, uh, you know, some bullshit forward lateral or some crap, but you can't

kick Tom Brady out of the goddamn game unless he throws a punch. You know what I mean? I guess you can as he verbally abused you or touched the rib, but he has to do something. But in basketball, you can just call phantom fouls. Like if I bet, if I bet the game, this is all you got to do. Who's the best player on that team? This is what you do right out of the gate. You give him two quick fouls.

Now he's on the fucking bench, probably for the rest of the first quarter. He comes out in the second quarter. Now you got to give him his third, but you know, you got to wait a few minutes, you know, however the game's going, you wait a few minutes, then you give him his third, right? So and so is in foul trouble. Third quarter starts. He's on the fucking bench. And now you want the other team to make a run that fucko comes off the bench.

You give him his fourth, tee him up, maybe a couple of technicals there. I like, I watched that game yesterday. It goes into overtime. It's a playoff game. Paul Pierce fouls out LeBron James fouls out. Two fucking best guys out there, arguably, you know, and they're sitting on the bench. You don't watch hockey and all of a sudden fucking, you know, whoever you want to call the fucks, even in the finals now, Eli Ash, you know, Zach Parisi, however the fuck you

say their names. I hate the doubles. I never watch him. You know, oh, that's his third fucking cross check. That said, he's out of the game and like the bed, like Gretzky and Lemieux are just sitting there on the bench fouled out and then like the scrubs come in and they can't hit fucking free throws. I just, it's unbelievably frustrating, frustrating fucking game to watch, but we're tied up.

We're tied up. So did that make any goddamn sense? You guys ever watch those YouTube videos when you see what, when you see what's his face? When you see that whole Sacramento series, Sacramento Kings that was against the LA Lakers 2002 series that was allegedly fixed. You saw right there how to fix the game. They just fouled out both their centers on bullshit fucking calls and then you just let Shaq run wild.

They still almost lost the game. I don't know, man. You know what it is? Like a people like being a hockey fan, unless you run into another hockey fan, it's the weirdest sport to be a fan of cause people just shit all over. Well, why did they let them fight? I can't see the puck. And after watching the NBA for like the last three weeks, it's like, why don't you worry

about the mobbed up refs in your league? You know, I think the NBA is, is basic. It's a pure game. It's a beautiful game, but it's basically a traveling gambling ring. As far as I can tell, the players gamble with each other. They get into fist fights on planes. They bring guns to the fucking arena. You had a mobbed up ref, you know, and then they pulled the Lee Harvey Oswald.

He acted alone, horseshit, right? You have the biggest star of the game has to mysteriously just retires for a year and a half. And then one of his loved ones essentially is murdered like execution style. Like there's a lot of shit. There's a lot of shit going on. So why don't you go fuck yourselves with your criticisms of hockey? Okay, I can recognize NBA is a great game, but your your league, it's a little fucked

up. And as far as you guys who can't see the puck, why don't you start by looking at the guy that everybody seems to be focused on? All right, that's usually the guy with the puck, the black object against the white surface that you for some reason can't see. Take it to which I'm trying to go to game four. The LA Kings. You know, what's the best thing about about the LA Kings making the playoffs is listening

to the local spot sports radio shows like half to talk hockey, dude, they are fucking flailing out here. I was at that, that, that Max and Marcellus show. That's the show I always listen to and they're great and everything. But when it comes to hockey, they don't know a fucking thing. Max has just hit you with basic. They got there quicker than any other team, a big team, they're playing together. He's nothing.

The guy's got nothing. This is funny. Like two weeks early, I was listening to his show and some jackass called him was going, yeah, I'm a casual fan of hockey. I go to a couple of games a year. You know, if they just would tell you what a cross check is, it's like right there, it's like, dude, you're not a casual fucking fan. That would be like me saying, I'm a casual fan of the NBA.

I go to a couple of games a year. If they just tell me what traveling is, it's like, how do you not pick that up? In the first fucking period and a half, all the criticism, criticism against hockey, sober day. I love when they go, why do they have two half times? It's like, dude, why don't you go back to basic math and realize that it's mathematically you can't have two half times, right? They have a third time and a two thirds time, you want to get technical, technical, correct?

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Well, how could you do better? How could you do better? You know, get him a hooker. Oh, dad, you've been faithful all these years. Oh, here's a, here's a, here's a, an email from somebody talking about NBA refs because I was not convinced that the NBA is fixed or at the very least manipulated. You know? Oh my God.

The lottery. The lottery. The Knicks win the first one ever because you want Patrick Ewing to go to New York City. Of course, absolutely. The foul away from the ball. I don't know what he was looking at there. NBA refs. Bill saw your tweet about NBA refs and how they are in it for the money.

Well, it's the truth. This guy's claiming that this is the truth. This is all alleged before I get sued by a conglomerate of those footlocker jackasses. I'm friends with the daughter of one of, uh, one of the top paid refs in the league. I just went to her wedding on Friday night and there were two tables of NBA refs there. No lie. I can provide picks for verification. I don't want any pictures.

Don't send me any pictures. I don't want to rat anybody out here. I just think it's hilarious. Anyways. Anyway, I know that refs gets paid, referees get paid 10 grand per game for the NBA finals. So if the series gets swept, it's, uh, it's 40 grand. But if it goes to seven games, that's a difference of 30 grand. I work in finance and that's a lot of coin for next to three days of work.

Plus the network gets more money from advertisers, et cetera. Although a sport, uh, although a sport, it's a major business. I don't know what that sentence means. Uh, former ref Tim Donahue got busted for gambling on games a while back and wrote a book about it. This is my favorite thing. They say that that guy has no credibility. You know, that's what they said about Jose Consenco when he first came out and, you know, was ratting everybody out. Like, oh, he's old.

He's bitter. He's turned his back on baseball. Uh, wait a minute. He's right. Oh, sorry about that. You know, plus if you say he has no credibility, then you have to like let 80% of people out of prison because that's how they ended up in prison. The person they did the crime with was negotiating their, their fucking sentence down and they ratted him out. Right?

I don't know. I think the NBA is filthy. You know, Pete Rose bets on baseball. He's banned from baseball for life. Jordan bets on it. He gets to go play baseball. Allegedly, allegedly, uh, former ref Tim Donahue, he got busted for gambling on games a while back and wrote a book about it. The guy is from the same neighborhood as I am and we know some of the same people.

The guy who does my homeowner's insurance was named as a gambling partner in the first chapter. It's eyeopening of how shady the business is and how refs can cheat so easily to fix the outcome of a game. Uh, according to Tim Donahue, this is all alleged people, all alleged. Philadelphia is a hotbed for NBA refs and I actually went to high school with an active NBA ref who was also at the above mentioned wedding. Uh, love the podcast, but just started listening a few months ago. How could I download the podcast? Dude, you didn't really say anything. You just said you went to a wedding with some NBA refs.

You know how much they make a game, but you didn't really provide any. That's all circumstantial. I don't know. It just seems so filthy. Like they call like the, when they call those ticky tack fouls, I'm telling you, they're thinking ahead in the game. That's how I look at it. Like I get Paul Pierce files out, but like those bullshit ticky tack files that you call on them in the beginning of the game is how he ends up filing out in the end when he actually files somebody. So I don't, I don't know.

I don't get it. I'm sitting there watching us. We got a 15 point lead and then all of a sudden within a minute, Paul Pierce and Rondo both pick up their fourth files, have to sit down. And next thing you know, it's a game again. You know, so I don't know. So I don't know that they necessarily, this is a feeling that I have when I watch the NBA. I feel like somewhere around 14, 15 point lead in the playoffs playoffs. That's when all of a sudden, you know, calls start going the other way because they don't want people to turn the channels at the end of the fucking day.

It's a business. They keep it close. Just keep it close. That's what they're doing. I don't know. I'm an asshole. No, listen to me, but I 100% it just wouldn't surprise me. If somebody came out and they actually found out that like 18%, that's a little high.

I'd say 11% of NBA games are strongly manipulated. I would be surprised that it, that it wasn't more like 18% because when I just watch them, it's just like, how many times can they just be like, there's like no file. Shit. I know I talked about it last week, but Kobe hacks a guy across both fucking arms. They call him for his third file in the second quarter. You know, he's going to sit down. That's going to affect the casual fan watching. They have a 90 second meeting and then they give the file to somebody else and that's a business move.

Right fucking there. And then the announces, I don't know what they're looking at there. Right. Kobe bringing it up the court. Fucking nuts. Shoot in the front end of a one and one. There's a file away from the ball. What was he looking at?

I don't know. Must have been something before the video. There was a day acts like perplexed. All right. Here's a sexuality situation, everybody. Hey, Bill, I need your advice on something. This is not, this is not about a breakup dating or gold diggers, but I think your advice could help me. Could help me out on an extremely awkward position.

I'm 19 and I'm home from college for this summer. I've been home for about a month and I live in North Carolina, but go to college in Arizona. Dude, good move. Arizona with all those fucking whores out there coming to class and like bikini tops. And you're out there with your cuter than cute Southern draw. How much ass are you getting? Well, let's find out. Shall we?

Okay. While I was away at college, I have opened up to new ideas such as politics, religion, and about my sexuality. And I am bisexual. At the beginning of summer, I started hanging out with my old friends from high school, one of which was gay. We had messed around in high school, but nothing serious. What does that mean? You flicked his balls a little bit. Sorry.

The fucking joke is there. I'm going to do it. All right. Come on. Take it like a man, like everybody else. Okay. Everybody gets trashed on this. Here we go.

This summer, he and I were hanging out at my house and nobody was home. We started, and we started to drinking. Oh, geez. He's playing some music. YMCA. And he started to smoke some weed, man. Then after about two hours, we decided to do the dirty Jesus Christ. Okay.

Here we go. Slugging away through here. Halfway through us getting it on. The mom walks into the room and catches us in the act. Wow. Now talk about the needle going off the fucking record. She started yelling at me, swatting me with the mail. She had just gotten, I'm surprised she didn't turn the hose on you.

Kick my friend out of the house, then banned him from ever coming over again and started screaming about the Bible and a bunch of religious shit. By the way, this all happened when I was in a panic trying to get some clothes. Oh my God, dude. What a way to come out. Only thing was Mitch was a giant neon. I'm gay sign hanging over you. Wow. That's a fucking situation there, huh?

Ever since then, my mom and dad have been forcing me to go to a few religious nut jobs that are supposed to convert me from bisexual to heterosexual. That's hilarious. You know, like you're going to convert a truck from two wheel drive to four wheel drive like it's that fucking easy. This is a huge pain in the ass because one, there are churches on every corner in North Carolina and two, I don't want to change. So you shouldn't. Dude, you can't. You are who you fucking are and they're going to have to accept it. Also, my parents have been treating me differently now and it's really weird and awkward every time we talk.

So I guess my question is how do I deal with this? Dude, this might be outside the mother realm of my lack of expertise here. Do I tell them that I don't want to go to some religious fat fuck who is a Jesus freak and whose stomach is as long as his vowels? I always get that Southern draw. You can't be sucking dead. Or should I just pretend to be straight until the end of summer then go back to living the life I want to live at college? Also, how do I keep saying with people telling me that I am living my life wrong and that God is judging me? I hope that wasn't too sad.

Dude, it's a fucking epic story. Thank you for sharing it here. All right. This is a deal, dude. You need new friends. You need to keep the friends that accept you for who you are and the ones who aren't. You just got to phase them out. Your parents will come around.

You know, they got to come around because you're their son. All right. Stereotypically probably your mom before your dad or whatever. But I don't know. Maybe they will. Maybe they won't. But what the fuck are you going to do? You know, you are who you are.

You got to go be who you're going to be. And as far as do you tough it out for the summer, that's up to you. That's up to you if you're going to keep going back. I mean, if I was going to keep going back to some shit that I didn't want to go to, I would just... I would have fun with it. I would just act like a fucking moron. And I would keep acting like I was almost cured. And then at the last second be like, but don't you think John Travolta is cute?

Oh, no, no. Sorry. Sorry. And just fuck with the guy and just have a good time. If you can't get out of it. If you don't want to, you know, fight, you know, if you don't want to be like Hitler and try and fight on three fronts and end up in a fucking bunker, maybe just start with to get some new fucking friends. That's it, dude. That's brutal, man.

That's brutal. But you'll get through it. You'll get through it and you'll find some fucking people, you know. I don't know. It's weird. In a weird way, everybody does that beyond that shit, you know. As a comedian, I never fit in anywhere. Everywhere I went, like when I fucking had jobs and they would be sitting there and I had my little Michael J. Fox fucking suit and tie on, like thinking that this is what I was going to do.

And everybody was going in for some fucking meeting. I never gave a fuck and I never, I just felt always felt like an outsider until the day I walked into a comedy club and I basically found people who were the same kind of weird that I was. So they didn't seem weird to me. But admittedly, comedians were all out of our fucking minds. So that's what you have to do in a gay way. You just got to go find some heterosexuals who are accepting of you and go get some gay friends and, you know, you're going to have a great life and you're going to have abs until you're 60, evidently, because that's how it works with gay people. Fuck them. Be who you are and that's it.

All right. There you go. All right. Now, girlfriend's mother. Dear billion. I'm 24 years old. You know, it's funny. I always do this.

This Boston accent. I think that it fucks with my language for the rest of the week. My language. No, my accent for the rest of the week. I'm 24 years old and recently started. Let's let's see if I can pronounce my ours through all of this. I'm 24 years old and recently started started dating a new gal. She's a complete sweetheart.

Sorry. She's also 24 years old, but her mom already hates me. What do you got a mullet? You got an earring? You got a loud car? Do you got that look? I'm going to fuck your daughter. What's going on with you?

He says, I'm a pretty successful guy from my age, college graduate. I have a house, legit office job, et cetera. How the fuck you got a house at 24? Do you come from money? Are you dealing? Dude, if you're a college graduate and you legitimately found a job and were able to buy a house, like, I don't know, like, you're probably like one of five people from your generation that's able to do that with this fucking economy.

So I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Congratulations. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you don't have a meth lab in your bathroom. Anyways, the girl lives at home. And before she was, before me, she was dating a guy in medical school. Her mom crept through my Facebook profile and decided based on the suburb I'm from, the school I went to and the fact I'm not a doctor, I'm not good enough for a daughter. Which means she probably pressured her daughter to go date a fucking doctor.

Or, you know, she dated a doctor trying to make her mom happy. That's what I'm guessing with my lack of a psychology degree. But my cynical, everybody's a cunt way of looking at stuff. Well, after three months of dating and accepting I might be around for a while, they finally agreed to meet me. Her dad seems like a nice guy. It's just the mom I have to air quote and press. So here's the issue.

I can't play the redneck stereotype too hard by wearing acid washed jeans and a deaf leopard t-shirt because my girl will get pissed off. But to my advantage, I own two cars, both of which will annoy her and deem me a fucking hick. Which option in your opinion would be funnier parked in the wraparound driveway of their million-dollar house? And now he sent me pictures of his two fucking sweet rides. He's got a 2006 Ford Mustang GT. This is my daily driver. It's blue with silver racing stripes and lowered two inches.

I have the cats removed and full exhaust. I don't know what that means, what catalytic converters. I have no idea what that even means. I just love that you assume that I knew. So it's loud as shit and it's a five speed so I can play like I sucked at driving a stick and do the rev and release clutch move that all 16 year olds do. That should rattle their stainless steel appliances and granite countertops. Number two, I got a 1991 Ford F-150 4x4.

My bad weather slash housework, I think your beater wrote better. 351 Windsor motherfucker. Two-tone red and white, single cab, red bench seat. It has plenty of NRA stickers on the back from the previous owner. My favorite being fight crime, shoot back. Oh dude, that's a wrap. That's a wrap. I think you gotta go with the truck.

Fender wells are rusty, are rusting out. And there's several rust holes in the bed. It also leaks coolant and oil and would leave a nice stain in the driveway. I don't plan on being a dick or anything when I meet them, but if she's gonna judge me without even knowing me, I'd hate to let her down and close the pictures of both cars and the bumper sticker on the truck. Please advise. That's what we say at the end of emails in Bullshit Corporate America.

Oh please, please advise. Dude, those are beautiful cars, man. I love two-tone pickup trucks too, by the way. This is what I, yeah, pull up. Pull up in your pickup. And then the next time you come over, you come over in the car. And that'll do the other stereotype that people who don't come from money always, you know, buy depreciating assets.

I don't know dude, it all depends on how much you care about this girl because your whole attitude is perfect. You shouldn't give a fuck whether she likes you or not. You really shouldn't. There's nothing you can do about it. Just, you know, romance her daughter if you love her. If you don't get rid of her, don't stick around just out of spite. But I would definitely go with the pickup truck, man.

The pickup truck's fucking hilarious. But you know something, the Mustang's cool too. That Mustang says I, you know, I'm gonna bang your daughter before we even get to the restaurant. And it's loud. Maybe the Mustang. Do you got a mullet? How about a clip on earring?

Um, I don't know. Anyways. Anyways, what the fuck else happened to me here? I got to click back to my notes here. There's a couple of stories I want to tell you. I told the motorcycle one, right? Didn't I? For fucking nine hours?

Ah shit, where the fuck is it? There we go. What the hell is it? You know what? This fucking computer, man. How sick are you guys listening to me bitch about my computer? Let me just get rid of this. Oh shit, you know what I went to on, um,

was it Wednesday last week? Thursday last week? I went down to the House of Blues. They had the John Bonham birthday bash. It's become this yearly thing with this cover band basically. Not cover band. It's like this insane fucking musician. I guess they're all playing Led Zeppelin.

They come out and then all these drummers sit in and they, and they play, uh, all these Zeppelin tunes and it's, it's the fucking shit, man. And there was some guys out there who really, really impressed me. Simon, it was, it was crazy. Um, Freddie Cupcake Curry, the nicest guy in rock and roll. Now, if you remember that from MTV,

Headbangers Ball, your show and your age, he played, uh, custard pie and Simon Wright, the drummer for AC DC from 83 to 90. He took over when Phil Rudd got kicked out. And, uh, right before they did Razor's Edge 1990, he left to go play with Dio. And all I, I never really listened to Dio, at least that part of his career.

And, uh, all I heard was him just playing the AC DC stuff, which was total two, four, two, four stuff. And he came out and played the ocean and he fucking crushed it. Phenomenal drummer, but more importantly, the last time I saw both those guys on the same night, I saw them play the old Boston garden. Cinderella was opening up for a AC DC on the heat secret tour. Huh? You jealous?

Isn't it? Isn't it amazing that it took me 43 years to find dirt bikes? When you hear that story, but, uh, Freddie Curry played custard pie. And, uh, I felt there was two different, all the drummers there were great, but I felt there was two kinds of drummers that night. There was the drummer that was going up there

that loved John Bonham and was paying tribute to him and, and understood what it was that John Bonham did. And then there was the other guy, this was a small portion, went up there and it was just a jerk off festival that they were going to go up there and show that they could play all the fucking licks and they were playing all over the kit throughout the song.

And it just, uh, I don't know. One guy I saw put the drum stick in his, between his teeth as he was just playing with his right hand. And I was just thinking, you know, Bonham would have smashed us in there, drum over your fucking head. What are you doing? What are you doing?

I mean, was he biting on it? Cause he felt he fucked up a lick. I have no idea, but it was annoying. Fucking annoyed me. Um, oh, it started off great. The guy who organizes it, Brian Tissier, I think he organized it. He played in the evening, man.

He just fucking crushed it. And, uh, I was in my John Bonham glory. And, um, and then Sebastian Bach came out and saying whole lot of love. It was just, it was just the shit. And the last time I saw Sebastian Bach live was December 31st, 1989. I had just lost my light license for drinking and driving and I saw Aerosmith at the Boston garden

to bring in the decade of the 1990s. That's how I went out of the 80s. It was on the done, not done. I always say done with mirrors. It was the pump tour. And, uh, Aerosmith was sober by then. So they sounded fucking incredible. And that was that classic story I told you where

when that concert was going on, was right around the time when, uh, another bad egg that the United States had invested in, Manuel Noriega, down in Panama, all of a sudden wasn't doing what the fuck we wanted to do. Wanted them to do. You know the deal? All these dirt bags.

They're all doing shit that we don't want them to do, but they're doing what we need them to do, so it's okay. And then the second they stop doing what we need them to do, all of a sudden we're outraged that they gassed their own people fucking 12 years earlier. How could he have done that in 1973? Ah, we gotta go in and get this guy, right? Uh, it's like the fucking Kobe Bryant foul.

30 seconds later, they give it to somebody else. It's like, what the fuck are you been talking about? So anyways, so, you know, they're pumping us with all the information about Manuel Noriega and none of it is good. So, you know, so he goes up there in the middle of this fucking metal show. He decides, I know I told this story before,

but I love this story. He decided out of the fucking blue to go political. I remember he was standing on stage. Now he might have been drunk, just, just, you know, for him to save face, but he was wearing these leather pants and I just remember him standing there. He goes, what's up with this Manuel? And he grabbed his dick and he goes, suck my fucking burrito, man.

It was fucking horrific. And it was this awkward pause and everything just went, everybody starts cheering. He goes, I'd seen, he said something about going down there and fucking nuking him. It was the classic. And for all you cunts over in England, the guys from Canada, so go fuck yourselves.

All right? You think another typical stupid guy from the States. All right? And he might have been pandering, but I got to tell you, we all cheered. That's right, Sebastian. You figure out Central America and then play slave to the grind.

Oh, no, no, that was their first tour. He was singing 18 and life, you got it. 18 and life, you know. Right? And all the chicks are like, oh my God, look at me when I take my tits out, not at her. Oh, those were the days. Oh, those fucking fish net at horse.

It was the greatest fucking thing ever. I'm really so happy that I grew up during that time rather than the grunge period when all those hairy chicks were just fucking walking around with their Sasquatch muffs, you know, high and tight 80s, baby. It was right before the really bad, there was two things that were really bad in the 90s.

Like, you know, that grunge music, you know, the top tier I like, all right? But there was a lot of moping around just because moping around was selling albums. The same way with hair metal, there was a lot of shit about the devil you know, they weren't really sacrificing anybody, right? It was only the top shelf that were.

But anyways, the moping music of the 90s and then the fucking, the just absolutely perfect circle horrific grapefruit fake tits where you had like a varicose vein on the side of your titty like those two of the worst things from the 90s, I would say, you know, one of the best things from the 90s I would say would be Soundgarden. I'd go with them.

I'm sure I could play your fucking emails. They fucking suck. They're actually ripped off. I don't give a shit. You guys like me anytime your computer comes up and says, hey, there's new software available. Yeah. Would you like to download it?

And you got that option not now, you know, like hitting the snooze alarm on your fucking computer. And then one day you go to your iTunes doesn't work. None of the video works. And then you yell at your computer like it's the problem. That's what I like to do. Hey, everybody. Have you been to the post office lately?

Yeah. How did that work out? Wouldn't it be wonderful if somehow you could take the enormity of the postal industry and just stick it inside of your apartment, put it right in your little sleeping bag. Wouldn't that be great? Well, I'm here to tell you that that's a possibility. If you go to stamps.com, everybody,

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You haven't picked it up. You put it on the damn scale, you weigh it, you put the postage right on, you park out, you put it in your post office box, whatever, your mailbox, and then you go right back to Washington. Bill, we know what we would do if we had the post office in our own apartments or houses or outhouses or tents.

Do you live in a tent city? Do you have an outlet? Buy stamps.com, but stamps.com will also give you money. It's a fraction of the cost of a postage meter. Plus you get discounts. You can't even get at the post office. That's a great thing if you get in early with stamps.com. Because once it blows up,

you know that they're not going to have any of these discounts. So you get in early. All right, I'm sure I'm going to get a note on that. Actually, we plan on having discounts forever. Right now, if you use my last name, Burr, B-U-R-R for this special offer, you get a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale

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And you will be in the wonderful world of not having to go to the post office anymore. You know, that'd be great. What if you had the grocery store in your own apartment? That'd probably be next. Go to grocerystore.com. Wouldn't it be great if lemons fell out of your ceiling? Do you know the wonderful, the beautiful,

the lovely Nia has been, she's been on a tear lately. You know, planting all this shit out in the yard. And none of it's edible. So we're having this big fight. Like, she likes pretty smell. It smells good. I like it.

It's lilac. It's like, you can't fucking eat that shit. You know, why don't we get a, you know, like a watermelon tree or something, right? Watermelons, don't go fuck yourself. I know they don't grow on trees. You know what I mean? Let's get something edible out here.

Let's grow some goddamn potatoes. You know? Let's go grow some fucking food. That's what I want to do. They got those little dwarf trees. Like a midget grapefruit tree. They got a midget avocado tree. And they just, you just stick them in a barrel.

And there you go. Apocalypse comes. Here comes Jesus throwing all the sinners down into hell. And you just sitting there eating avocados. Like, go fuck yourself, you hippie. I got a food supply. What are you going to do to me? Huh?

At the end of the day, I know you're a pacifist. I know you don't got it in you. You don't have that rage like your dad does. Talent skips a generation. All right? Why don't you go play the fucking maracas and get out of my face? I know that's not your three-headed dog. That's your dad's.

Yeah, go full. Look, I respect your dad. I'm not disrespecting him. I'm disrespecting you. Yeah, I'm sure that's how you're going to tell the story, you fucking pussy. All right? All while you're eating an avocado or grapefruit or some shit like that.

You know, recently I worked with somebody and they said something about the microwave. I don't think I can ever use one again. He said they microwaved water to the boiling point and let it cool down. And then they boiled some water on the stove and they watered two rows of flowers. And the water with the microwave water, they all died. So I'm all set on the microwave. That's all it takes. If it kills a plant, what's it doing to me?

I don't know. I'm easily scared, everybody. And I'm very, I'm not, I'm not trusting. So if you have any remote like theory on anything, like, you know, I would literally phase out living in a house if you had a good enough lie as to why it was slowly killing me. Anyways, what else do we got here? What else? I promised I would resend this to you, run this whenever you would like.

All right. This is Spotify.com. All right. This is one of these places that you, you, Alpha Christ sake. What is this? This is the graphic image. Why don't I have this stuff ready? The worst.

You know, this is why I'm a comedian because I swear to God, if I was in the real world and I had some sort of presentation, I would be the guy showing up with like the papers falling out of my briefcase. What I meant to say, I would be like the nutty professor, but I would never turn into the cool guy. Jerry Lewis is by the way. What is Spotify? It's a new way to listen, listen to free, to listen to music for free. Millions of tracks, artists and even comedic content is on there for you to access whenever you want. I know what a lot of you guys think. Bill, why are you hyping this stuff when you had a problem with that other site?

Because this site actually is going to pay me for my material. So I don't have a problem with them. So go down to Spotify everybody. This is why the way I think about Spotify is iTunes, but with the entire world's library. Oh, is this what I'm supposed to say? This is what I think you guys are speaking for me. Evidently, Spotify is like iTunes, but with the entire world's library at your fingertips. Well, right there, that's better than iTunes.

How many times you go on iTunes? You go to look up a band and they don't have it unless it's like the biggest thing ever. You know, like your guilty pleasures. Oops, I did it again. They'll actually have the B tracks of Britney Spears on Spotify. It works on a PC. It works on a Mac, home audio system and mobile phones. Tracks play live.

There's no need to wait for downloads and no big dents in your hard drive. Spotify connects seamlessly with your Facebook account and allows to easily discover new music and share them with friends. Super easy to use and here's what you do. You go to the Spotify link on the website, click register from your Facebook account. Download Spotify to your Windows or Mac computer. Search and play the millions of songs that are now yours. Doing it this way will give you free access to Spotify and it's really just that simple. Bill, do you have a deal for us?

Yes, I do. For every one of my listeners that I drive to, those is the actual deal that I get. Every one I drive there, I get a free quarter of a grilled cheese sandwich. Four listeners, that's a whole sandwich. Banner ad is attached to the email. We don't even have this up yet. I'm going to have to hit God. Jesus Christ.

Why did I do that? You know what you did? That's like you just got somebody's leaked copy. The tracks of their new album. We're going to have that up for next week, everybody. Oldspotify.com. Boy, oh boy, this is the greatest thing ever says Bill. I like when there's copy like that.

I don't even have to think. Anyway, so let's get back to the podcast here. What do we got here? We got some overrated underators. We got to wind this down here, right? What are we up to? An hour and two minutes, Bill. You ever hear of leaving and wanting more?

All right, we've gone through the advice dealing with girlfriend's mom. Oh, here's the last one. It's entitled Virgin. Like a virgin. Hey, who here wouldn't still bang Madonna? Huh? I just, oh, she'd be so fucking annoying though. Just shut up.

You're from Detroit. You're not fooling me with your dumb accent. I'm 21 years old, dude. Just graduate to Bobby Kelly right this. I'm 21 years old, kid. Do you guys listen to the what the fuck podcast? Or Christopher Titus' podcast that I'm going to be on that I don't even know the name of?

I actually just went and did his podcast. I didn't even learn the goddamn name of it because I'm so wrapped up in my own thing. You know what's funny is I went to the search thing and I actually searched cricket is gay because I wanted to see what Jason Alexander said. All right, Chris Titus podcast. You know what's great about us doing the podcast?

If there's any video of it, you guys can actually see that we are two different people. Tituspodcast.com. There we go. This is what you do. You go to Tituspodcast.com and there's all kinds of music. Yeah. All right.

It's just called the Titus podcast. It's got a cool logo of the son of a bitch. Anyways, I did one of his and I actually just tweeted it this week. So there you go. There's your homework this week. Listen to the what the fuck dude. No, not what the fuck. Oh, you know what dude?

What the fuck is Marins? You know what dude is Bobby Kelly's and the Christopher Titus podcast. Go to Tituspodcast.com. All right. If you like this podcast, hell, you might even like those. All right. Virgin. I'm a 21 year old Virgin dude just graduated from college in LA.

Is that Louisiana or Los Angeles? And one of my bigger issues. That was a great Dennis Miller joke a long time ago. Just got back from LA. I love Louisiana. Yeah. And one of my bigger issues in my life right now is that I'm still a Virgin. Dude, 21.

That's not bad. I'm not attractive. I'm not unattractive or anything. I work out, have a bit of an issue with acne, but it's nothing like having a gigantic pusball in my face. I was in a relationship with a girl since I was 14 and we ended it when I was 20 because we just couldn't deal with the long distance anymore. And she was really conservative Christian. And I guess I was naive and stupid enough to tell her that I would wait. That's all right.

You're a good guy. Therefore, the more we went, the most we went. Oh, the most we went to was just oral sex. All right, dude. Well, you're not like a terminal Virgin. You're actually doing you live in the life. You're having sex like you have it like a one of those massage parlors. We came close a couple of times, but I would always back out because I'd feel bad that I would be running off with the virginity.

Because at the back of my mind, I kind of knew this relationship was never going to work out. Jesus Christ, dude, you're a saint. It doesn't help that she and I have had the same group of friends. So if word got out, what I did that would have been seen as a dick move now that I'm actually single and looking for chicks. And on occasion, I've actually managed to convince a few to come home with me. All right, you're in the game. I feel this innate sense of pressure that I wouldn't be able to perform well and would end up embarrassing myself due to lack of experience. Dude, you're gonna be fine.

These nightly escapades would therefore only tend to end up with make out sessions or the occasional finger bang blow job before I pussy out. What do you think I should do? Should actually do in a situation like these when I'm taking a chick home who probably has way more experience than I do. And I should just, should I just take a heavy dose of man to fuck up and wing it in the future? I wouldn't think of telling a girl that I'm a virgin before fucking her would sound remotely attractive to her in any circumstance. What are your thoughts on this? Yeah, dude, you know what you got to do. Just like, look, you know, I got good at playing hockey or halfway decent upper level of sucking.

You know, like I gradually got to the truth on that. I am at the upper, upper sucking. Not quite lower mediocre. How I got there was I played with people who had more experience than me. All right, so just slide that over to banging these girls. All right, and I don't think that they girls aren't like that. They're not going to. What is she going to do?

Oh my God, you never fucked anyone before. Jesus, I fuck like 900 guys. Then I got to say that they're going to be like, oh, and next thing you know, you can be banging fucking doggy style. It'll be a thrill for them. You know, you put on the fucking soundtrack to the graduate, you know, you have a good time. Yeah, dude, just just look, you know what the thing about this is, is the more you wait, the bigger of a fucking deal it's going to be. You know what I mean? It's like you're icing the kicker and the kicker is your dick.

All right, for God's sake, get out there and fucking blast it through the uprights. That's what you need to do. All right. And you sound like you're doing great, man. You're a good guy. Do you realize the fucking the the the I don't know what it is. I don't even know what the word is because none of my friends have this this character trait. I'm sure women know what it is and they probably look for it in a guy.

A gentleman. Jesus, I had to search for what I what I just. You're a human being, dude. You're an honest guy. You could have banged this girl and you're like, I can't do it because I'm the back of my head. You actually, you know, you know, you know, it's funny. You'll probably bang a couple of girls and you become a piece of shit like me. But right now, dude, you're in the zone.

Mother Teresa couldn't fuck with you. You know, Jesus comes back tomorrow, dude. He's fucking you right up on that horse. Smelling of patchouli when you're fucking grab around his waist and right into heaven. Look at what a disgusting image. Anyways, yeah, dude, just just man the fuck up. We get the future and you know what? You know what? I think we get rid of a lot of the pressure.

Why don't you just tell him? You know, I don't know if you feel like the moment's there. Just tell him if you just feel like the moment's there. You don't have to get him the whole fucking story just in the middle of it. Just tell him. I never, never did this before. Oh my God, that's okay. You know, next thing you got their feet in the air.

I'm telling you, you're going to be fine. All right. And you're a good person. And then this is the deal, dude. You're a fucking virgin. All right. So you're like, you still got that new car smell. All right.

So whatever you do. All right. Condoms from here on out. Condoms from here on out. No fucking skanks. All right. Because evidently, even if you wear a condom, you can still get fucking, you know, things. I'm not going to do this.

So now you get even more in your head. Right now, what I just did is now you finally lined up the ticket to kick the field goal and I'm sitting there waving my arms with the fucking air horn in the background. You know, fucking around. It's like boxing. Protect yourself at all times. All right. That's all I'm going to say.

Okay. All right. Good luck to you. That's the podcast for this week. Apologize for being late. I hope my story about riding a motorcycle. What the fuck happened to my taint? Jesus Christ.

I just sat in this chair the wrong way. My fucking, my fucking taint hurts. You know what it was was I went over a couple of fucking jumps and I got a little bit of air and I didn't know enough to stand up. So I kind of came off the seat and then landed and fucking slam my taint. He liked that people. I jacked my thumb up. My shoulders talking to me and I took a nice fucking slam a couple of slams to the taint.

I'm going to call the comedy store telling me I can't perform this week because of a bruised taint. Are you fucking with us? I'm dead serious. Hang on a second. You got the iPhone. I'll take a video. That's disgusting.

Well, it's your fault for hanging up for the whole podcast. All right, go fuck yourselves. That's the podcast for this week. I'll talk to you next week. Don't take any shit. And God bless everyone today. Okay. All right.

Bye. Bye.