Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-4-18

Episode Date: June 4, 2018

Bill rambles about the Capitals, recliners, and the Irish News.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. Monday, June 4th, 2018. What's going on? How are you? How are you doing, Latih? I'm in Dublin, Dublin, Ireland. I've been on a fucking plane for I don't know how long. We left LAX and what we were supposed to leave in the afternoon and then there was some problem with the hydraulics. They backed the fucking thing up. They pulled it forward. They backed it up. They pulled it forward like, you know, two and a half hours later, we finally left, which is all good because, you know, as Don Rickles says in Casino, rather, you know, it's better down here than, you know, up there, right? So I was just sitting on the fucking plane and they didn't give us any food. They got a little

cup of water. It was it, two and a half hours delay, nothing, no food, no drinks or anything. And all I was thinking, I was on Air France there. I was like, oh, this is how these fucking people stay so skinny. You know, they just leave you on there. They don't feed you nothing. So anyways, but I kept my mind occupied. I was transcribing a Pantera song. I get into shit, you know, I fucking eat up all the time. Rather than sitting there, either do that or I play Solitaire on my phone. It's somebody get me a deck of cards. They're like, you know, you can just get an app for that. I'm like, that is really a lot easier, isn't it? Plus, I feel you win a lot more with the app, you know, because it wants you to keep playing or a deck of cards. They don't give a shit.

They just want it done. They got your money. They're done. That fucking Solitaire game though. Don't get it. Don't get it because they got like 50 fucking ads. Every time they shuffle the cards, every time you win a game, every time you move your hand, they got like another ad. They put the X in a different spot every time. If you don't really hit the X, then it goes to another fucking page, you know, so somebody gets credit for a look of viewing a click. I don't I don't I don't pretend to understand these things. So anyways, this podcast is going to be all over the place. I'm going to tell you that right now because I was debating whether or not to do it before I left. And I was like, well, don't do it before

you leave. It'd be more exciting if people hear you talk to yourself in a different country that 'll add a new fucking flavor. They gave me this crazy room. Oh shit, my room service. Hang on a second. Jesus Christ. All right, I just ate my fucking room service and I put on the news over here. It's just like the news back home. All depressing shit. Guy got caught with a gun though, but this is the difference between the US and Ireland. It was a 38 Smith and Wesson with five rounds of ammunition. When they said what kind of gun it wasn't how much ammunition was there, I almost went awww. How fucking hilarious is that? Yeah, nothing but gloom and doom. 31 people were killed today when a tractor went off its fucking rails in a hushed hood. A fucking volcano erupted

down in Guatemala and she put up a hood. It's great accents and everything, but just all depressing shit. A grandmother was laid to rest today when she was found half eaten by her cat there for a weekend of Irish stew. Sorry, I'm fucking punched drunk. I fucking just ordered this shit ordered BLT. Not the most healthiest thing. There was no bacon in it. It's that rest of the world bacon, you know, where it looks like ham, but it has a consistency of fucking lot. It was delicious. And I ordered the side salad. I specifically said side salad, no fucking potatoes, right? And they still brought me French fries. I have the side salad, but you know how it is. If you see fucking French fries sitting there and there's a salad,

right? The salad, that's the plain Jane girl next door. You want to fuck that big titted whore up the street, right? You're going to go after that couple of potatoes. Fucking mayonnaise, mayonnaise over here. You can't have the ketchup over here, although they brought up some Heinz. European ketchup sucks. It's all natural. The yogurt sucks. It's also all natural. You know, I can't even get through a cup of it. All right. If I'm not like got, you know, at least four cups of sugar and an eight ounce thing of yogurt, like that's not yogurt to me. A 31 year old was found with a little weeded up history with five pounds of ammunition.

The town was so shaken up, they took the night off to go out and go drink. This has been the Irish news. Anyways, what the fuck am I here? I'm in Dublin. Why did I just write Berlin as my password? Fucking idiot. I really am dumb. Why do you guys listen to this? I mean, I appreciate that you listen to it, but I really question you sometimes. Greatest thing about Ireland, by the way, is going through customs. Now, granted, I look like a fucking leprechaun, you know, an older one who's getting a bald. All right. I look like a leprechaun's uncle. Okay. They just let you in. No work papers, no nothing.

Guys like, what are you doing here, laddie? And I was like, I'm doing a show all by yourself. I was like, yep. And he's like, all right. Have a good one. Stamp. Welcome to the country. You know, the other place you go to, you get that fucking guy who looks like he's in the born identity looking you up and down. And you just start thinking, why, you're making me feel like I have drugs in my ass right now. You know, like I'm a mule. Anyways, so I'm here. God damn it. Hang on a second. All right, sorry. I'm a little congested from the goddamn flight. You know, sleeping in that recliner. Whenever you fall asleep on an airplane, you're always like, this must be what it's like to be

in a loveless marriage. You know, we just don't want to go upstairs because your wife's in bed and you just watch TV till you fall asleep and you just lay in there and that fucking lazy boy. You know, or you've been married so long that like, I don't want to go upstairs. You just sleep right on the couch doing that shit all night. I actually had a dream I couldn't fucking breathe. I have that dream. I don't know. I don't do well on airplanes. I watched the 250 greatest goals in soccer. And you know, there was some nice ones. There was some pretty pedestrian ones, but I think it was also because it's so fucking hard to score. And you also said the top 250. 250. Like, who has the fucking time to, I'm glad somebody did it. It took like, it was,

it was the perfect soccer highlight reel for an American. I got to sit there for like 24 minutes and watch nothing but goals. You know, I bet goalies hate that fucking highlight reel. It's like a fucking snuff film to them. You know, you know, it's great. I have noticed about soccer is when you score and you blast it by the goalie high on either side. It's, they jump out of the water like a fucking swordfish. It looks like, you know, not a water. They jump up like a swordfish coming out of the water. And what's amazing is rather than just jumping up and fucking trying to block it, they always have to turn around and watch it go in the net. You know, it's like the matrix. Don't you think you could jump a little higher if you weren't so goddamn concerned? You

know where the fuck it's going? If it got by you, you know where it is. You know, you can hear the crowd, you fucking piece of shit, right? You know when it always fucking looking. It's goddamn soccer goalies. There, there, there are no nosy group of people. I missed it. Where's it going? Right in the back of the net. You know, I actually didn't even look. Are there like safety nets or anything behind? Has anybody ever died? Somebody blasted the ball, misses the net, and then hit some fucking kid in the face. That's the only thing that was missing from the Irish news. Oh, wee little laddie went down to the pitch, took a fucking soccer ball to the old noggin.

He'll be laid to rest. Half six tomorrow morning. That'd be a really early fucking funeral. Get it over with. We're all fucking pasty over here. Do anything worse than burying your son after he got hit in the face on the pitch. He's getting a fucking sunburn. My accident. I can't do the Irish accent. My wife reminded me of that guy that met me at the airport when I was in Scotland. Remember that? That story? I get off and the guy at the side had my name on it. I came walking up and I'm like, hey, and he just goes, Bulla, Wollam. I'm like, what? You're my father, Bulla, Wollam. Who's saying do you prefer Bill or William? Bulla,

Wollam. Bulla, Wollam. How much? Jesus Christ, it's only been 10 minutes. Fuck. Oh, man, I should have called in sick. You know what I always mean to do when I go to Dublin is to take a tour of the Guinness factory. I'm not big on going to fuck on tours. I don't want to hear about, oh, the Guinness family. They fucking, you know, they first made their first, but I don't care. Just get to the part where I get my pint, you know? Oh, but here's where we put the hops, and then the hops go in the big hopper over here, and then they stir them up. Old Sheamus gets on a bicycle, it's got some paddles on it, and he goes, oh, he wheels around. I'm going to keep my voice down. People think I'm really disrespecting Irish people

right now. This giant fucking Queen Elizabeth fuck, it's not even a big room, like the ceilings are like, this is like for shack or something. But I never end up fucking getting down there. It's kind of stupid though, right? I mean, I bet I could go online and just see a video. I know what it tastes like. Kind of a degenerate alcoholic, are you think, you know, there's a bunch of booze I like, I'm not going to go there and see how they make it, salivating the whole tour, getting the fucking shakes. Oh, man, why don't you let you just dive in there? A 17 year old fell into a vat of Guinness. He dove in because he was burned from a volcano in Guatemala.

He could have jumped in the ocean in Guatemala, but he was Irish, so he took the pain all the way back to London because he didn't want to inconvenience anybody with his own emotions. I'm going to fucking have fun over here, man. This is going to be a good time. My show is tomorrow night at the three arena. I don't know what that stands for. It sounds like some Illuminati shit to me. Was it the three banks that are left in all of Europe? Are they part of the European Union here? Who decided to leave? Was it Brussels? No. Was it Berlin? No. Was it Great Britain? I knew it was Brexit, so I'd try to guess all

the BR ones. I spell Berlin. I preempt the R, Berlin. Just to be interesting. Just to try to keep it fresh globally. Anyways, how about those fucking Washington capitals? I'll say it again. How about those fucking Washington capitals? Tell you right now, if I'm a fan of the Vegas nights, I've got to be thinking when is our adjustment to their adjustment going to happen? All right, I'm going to go out on a look. This is the base of what happened. Okay, the capitals, whatever the fuck Vegas was doing in game one, the capitals adjusted to it. In game three, I did not see an answer by the Vegas nights. As far as my limited knowledge of math goes, they better fucking

respond in game four, or this series is going to be fucking over. No, Vechkin's going to be on the cup. It's going to be great. Either way, it's an incredible, it's going to be great. I mean, I'm rooting for the capitals because of Josh Adam Myers. Plus everybody down there, they've been waiting since 1974. The Redskins suck. The Nationals, they used to be the senators. The senators twice they left. One time they became the fucking Texas Ranges. Another time they became the Minnesota Twins. Then the fucking Expos came down as the Nationals, and they still haven't won a title. You know, they're on their third fucking marriage. Actually, the senators did win a title in like the 1920s, I think.

You know, they went to the fucking White House. I think George Washington was still there when it showed up. His fucking wooden teeth. They had to sit there and listen to some boring story, how he said they made a bat. They made teeth of his fucking bats he had as a kid. How much do you think that guy lied his ass off that they had to come up with that dumbass story about, I can't tell a lie. I chopped down the cherry tree. What kind of ass kicking do you think he got over that, you know? When you really think about it back then, there was no supermarkets, and this guy just chopped down a fucking tree that actually had edible fruit on it. You know, his dad probably beat him with the axe handle,

knocked that fucking powdered wig right off his head. Did rich kids wear powdered wigs back then? You know, people would come up and key their horse. Oh, shit. Fuck you guys. I've been on a plane for 12 hours. I don't give a fuck if this is funny or not. I mean, I do. I do care. But anyways, anyway, so I watched Game 1 of the NBA Finals, and I have to tell you, when they fucking reversed that offensive foul call, that basically every time about JR Smith, and I can't get mad at JR Smith because I didn't know what the score was either. When he was dribbling it out, I was going, yes, yes!

And there was a lot of other people, too, that thought they were up by one. The game was over on that offensive foul, and, you know, I've never seen them have a little pow wow and reverse a call. I mean, I just, I had like Tourette's when that happened, and I was so fucking upset, and so once again, disappointed by the NBA and the way that they fucking run their league, I was so mad I walked to my show that night. I just, I didn't want to get in the fucking car. I had to go for a fucking, well, I didn't watch the overtime because I knew the Warriors were going to win it. I've watched enough games that went a fucking, when they're kicking the balls with a call like that, and then the Rain Man dude

on your team doesn't know that you're fucking tied and he runs out the, you know what's going to happen. So LeBron knew. That's why he went back to the bench. He didn't talk to anybody. I fucking, I had two shows in LA, and I walked to both of them. I had one in a dive bar, and then another one. I had a little more upscale place that wasn't quite a comedy club, and I just, I just walked to both of them. And I could tell you this right now, LA has an unbelievable homeless problem. Holy shit. I mean, they are fucking everywhere. Every doorway, every nook and cranny, there's somebody, you know, wrapped up in a quilt, like a fucking cocoon. A lot of mental illness out there. It's unreal. It's really unreal how

we just fucking leave those people on the street, you know, mentally ill people. I don't know. They used to have those asylums, which can't, yeah, I don't know. That didn't work. I don't know. I just need to try to take care of them. It was really fucking depressing. Then I was sitting there walking down the street going like, did I really leave the safety of my car to fucking walk amongst all these fucking people who got God knows what kind of issues, right? And I was standing there, and this guy with this really dirty shirt was just staring at me. And I'm waiting for the light to say walk, you know? It's LA. You can't J walk. You'll get killed, right? And then I feel him. He's just staring right at me. I'm like, ah, fuck, here we go. Here we go.

Oh, freckles. Couldn't take your car, could you? Got all mad about a basketball game, right? The guy looks at me and he goes, hey, and I ignore him. He goes, hey, I ignore him again. And then he's sort of like walked around so he's in my vision. He goes, hey, I look at him. I go, what? And he goes, are you Joe McHale? I just go, no. And then it said walk, and I walked away from him. And I felt him behind me, and I just kept walking. You know? And then I was walking too fast, so then there was somebody in front of me, and then he's doing this whole kind of looking back like, why is this guy walking so quick? You know? And I wanted to say to the guy, hey, you don't need to worry about me. It's the guy I'm walking away from. Anyways, so that's what the fuck I did after Game 1.

Jesus Christ. The Warriors have to be the most hateable fucking team I've ever seen in my life. You don't got enough stars on your team. You got a poke LeBron in the eye. Jesus fucking Christ. That's some shit a fucking girl would do. Playing Nerf basketball. Fucking disgrace. And then LeBron gets out there with his old ass body, takes a fucking charge. I know his foot was moving, and I know that after they looked at it, you know, they did get the call right, but what the fuck? They've never reversed something like that. Ever. It's like they were looking for a way for the Warriors to fucking win. I don't know why I give a shit so much. Why do I give a fuck about either one of these teams? Because what I'm rooting for is for sports to go back

to the way they used to be, where there was still free agency. I'm not that old when I was growing up, but there wasn't these pile on fucking teams. You know? I don't know. Somebody sent me a thing about LeBron could possibly go to the Celtics. He better not. I don't want that title. You know? I don't know, Bill. You're just old and all you do is complain. I know. I'm sorry. Why can't I just realize that the game isn't what it was when I was a kid? And this new game, young people seem to be enjoying and don't have a problem with. It should be the way where they had it when I was a kid. There was an old man playing an organ. Anyways, let me do a little bit of advertising reads. This podcast, I'm not going to make an

hour of people. You know, by the way, this is my last week of my forties. This is it, Matt. I turned 50 years old on Sunday. Can you believe that? I was 39 when I started this podcast. Way back when? Way back in 2007, man. When a guy named George W. Bush was president, and he was the son of a guy, George Herbert Walker Bush, and he was the vice president of a guy named Ronald Reagan, who used to be an actor. Man, you're fast forward. Look at, think of everything that has happened since I was 39 years old. Robots are going to take over the world. Miami is going to be under water. Reality TV show star became fucking president. We're still fighting the same fucking war. That's the one constant. That's the one thing you can

hang your hat on and be like, oh, okay, there's something I'm comfortable with. There's something I'm used to. Who says you can never go home? Do you know how long it was before I understood that? I've talked about that before, right? When they say you never can go home, what the fuck are you talking about? I'll book a flight right now and go home. I never understood that they meant you're going to go, and it's not going to be the same people. It's just going to be overwhelmingly fucking depressing. Well, anyways, yeah, I'm turning 50 and I actually feel good about it. Banged out 50 pushups the other day, right? That means I'm not going to die, right? No, my 40s were my best decade. As far as my life, I got married, I had a kid,

right, did a bunch of great shows, got rid of all the fucking assholes in my life, cleaned house, cleaned fucking house. Anybody that was a fucking bigger cunt than me, you know, I got rid of. So obviously it was a short list. Sorry, easy joke. What do you want from me? What do you want from me? I've been on a fucking plane for the last fucking 12 hours. So I'm looking forward to another decade of experiences and knowledge gaining, just living my truth. I feel like for me, my 50s are going to be, no, I'm going to crush it, my 50s. I'm going to do yoga, eat a plant-based diet, take a whole bunch of selfies, hashtag 50s hot, hot 50, something stupid like that. Whatever the forever 21 is

for an old white guy over 50, whatever that has, yeah, you guys come up with the hashtag. You come up with the hashtag and I'll start hashtagging it on fucking, what is it, the hashtag app. You guys like hash, remember hash, maybe your mother used to make hash, had that little fucking meek grinder. Oh, why the fuck, oh, hashtag, that's what I meant, right? All right, let's, let's, let's read a little bit of advertising here. A 32 year old. All right, uh, the black tux, everybody, wedding season is upon us. You're going to be doing it big. You married a fetish and going out to all, all of your buddy's

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I think I should. All right, so they have a gym here. Why did I eat those fries? I feel like shit. Fucking hate when they do that. Jesus Christ. I don't know how alcoholics do it, you know, when they sit there and they go, yeah, you know, no booze for me. And then they bring a beer. They always go, I, you know, I don't drink. I don't drink once they brought a fucking crack pipe up here. I smoke it. That's how that's how weak I am. I don't even smoke crack. Not at least, at least not during the week. All right, great news Flamo. Yo, Billy Nova. Did you hear the great news? You finally have representation on the emoji front. They added orange headed people to the emoji list. Nice. Now you can let people,

you text no, you really look at the moment. How you really look at the moment you say for me, I got to check these out. Let's see him go to the page. Yes, that's what I would like to do. Kind of those look like me. They're all so young. Ad closed by Google. Stop seeing this ad. Yes, stop seeing this ad. Already, but not interested in this ad. We'll try not to show it again. Okay, get out of here. Beat it. I hate when you scroll down, the ad goes with you like that person that's just fucking tagging along, you know, you're trying to hook up. It's like, get out of here. Oh, Jesus Christ, would you look at these fucking things? Yeah, I don't look like any of these people.

Well, that's nice. That's not really accurate. I mean, they should have at least one really pasty. A couple of people of color in there, then they got nobody with blue eyes, couple of Simpsons colored people, or emoji colored now. Well, that's nice. It's nice that they're doing that. I mean, who at my age sends out an emoji, you know, you don't emojis I use. I all the one that I use the most thumbs up, thumbs up. What I love about thumbs up is it means, yes, I definitely want to do that, or it means like, fucking whatever. We got to get together sometime and hang out thumbs up, not fucking hanging out with you, right? Or it could be like, fuck, yeah, get out there and fucking drank.

All right, I should have made a top 10 list of what I can do. What am I going to do here to make my fifties, you know, the best me live your truth. Do you realize like the amount of shit that's going on in the world right now? Okay. And just how self involved myself. I mean, literally doing a podcast just talking to myself. How's fucking self involved. The world is right now. You know, live your truth. Be the best you fifties, the new 40. You know, everything has to be like, come on, that's why that's why you got those fucking assholes who work out in the garage and then they start running down the streets. Everybody knows they're CrossFit people, right? Everybody knows they're working out. It's like, we get it. I

work out too. I don't get a fucking start yelling at people who haven't brunch. I don't know, you know, something that that right there, you remember a few years ago, they decided to do away with bullying. All right, which, you know, is a great thing. But I think you should be able to bully adults because the fact that that's, you know, it's not it's not a style to bully people. I think is how CrossFit actually exists. You know, if you basically categorize any sort of criticism as bullying, you know, how do you going to know when you're acting like a complete fucking toolshitting? I just don't understand. I don't find those CrossFit people to be in any better shape than anybody else doing any other workout. And they are just

parading up and down the fucking street. Like, I don't know what, like they're inspirational. I don't know. I've never like, you know, I don't like people that do end zone dances. I just don't like any of that shit. It's just fucking. And it's just like gives me douche chills to look at it. I don't know, maybe it's a good workout. I'm gonna start doing that, you know, do pull-ups in my garage and then run up and down my driveway yelling shit. So my neighbors know that I just did a set of 10 fucking pull-ups. Ah, feeling the burn. LeBron as Celtic. Okay, here's the question. Hey there, Billy Knight quite from Boston. What if LeBron went to Boston? Kind of goes without saying that winning with LeBron wouldn't feel

as good as winning without LeBron. Thoughts? Oh, Jesus Christ. What am I, the president? You just fucking give me a half-assed fucking question. I got to answer it. Yeah, obviously. Obviously, I would rather beat LeBron than fucking have him just join my team. And then everybody's like, well, it's a fucking pile on team. It gives shit a bunch of championship. Yeah, obviously. Thank you, sir. Those are my thoughts. I have the obvious thought on that. No, I don't want that to happen. I would like us to continue doing what we're doing. We already signed a big free agent with what's his face there that hurt his knee. Ginger Vitus, what the fuck is his name? I don't know. I'm not a Celtic. I'm not a

basketball guy. And I missed all the games this year. All right, I got a kid, man. I got a kid and I miss a lot of stuff. The guy with the beard, who thinks the world is flat, right? Is that the guy? That's the guy, the guy. I just want to see, you know, it's like the New York Yankees. New York Yankees, you know, they built all from their farm team and drafting and all that fucking shit. And then they added one that's fucking stud from the Marlins there. Can't get mad at that. Made a couple of shrewd trades. We did give up Isaiah Thomas, though. I swear to God, if he still was still with the Celtics, he would have got his own. He was like, he's going to be a big poppy of the Celtics.

Whale of a tail. Bill, did you hear this? Did you hear about this whale? Um, by the way, has anybody seen that fucking video that poor girl calling up her ex-boyfriend crying? She literally sounds like the impression me and Paul do when we do the crying thing. She'd be like, hello, I'm sorry. I missed your call. I really hope you call me back. I love you. I just want to say that I love you and I miss you. I'm not even, I'm not even exaggerating. I'm really sad that I missed your call. Fucking unbelievable. Alright, pilot whale dies in Thailand after being found with 17 pounds of

plastic bags in its stomach. Yeah. And I'm supposed to get excited because they have fucking ginger emojis. Oh my God. This is just, what are we, what are we doing? Oh man, a male pilot whale struggled for five days to stay alive in Thailand near the Malaysian border. I'll tell you what's fucking crazy is those ocean currents of everything. Oh, it's from their Malaysian plastic bags. It's probably, you know, from fucking big fives sports in LA. Thailand near Malaysian border after rescues found 17 pounds of plastic bags in its stomach. Hey, you can't just eat one. They like Doritos. The Washington Post reported on Sunday, but it ultimately succumbed to its illness. The whale died on Friday the post road and

an autopsy discovered that Thailand's Department of Marine and Coastal Resource said were 80 plastic bags lodged in its stomach. It's far from the first time whales have turned up sick or dead from ingesting trash. Experts say that the whale likely believed the bags were food. Ah, God. So what are we going to do about it? What is the solution? Plastic pollution throughout the region is okay. Wait a minute. Let's see. There's anything positive here. According to another report by the nation, a 2015 study by the ocean conservatory and McKinsey Center for Business and Environment found that Thailand was the world's sixth worst offender for dumping plastics into the sea. Who's number one?

Who's number one? Thailand's Pollution Control Department says plastic waste is increasing by roughly 12% annual with only 25% being reused. That's pretty good that we reused 25%. That's better than what we used to do. The vast majority of it is plastic bags. The Bangkok Post writes that the 23, we're never going to get that shit out of the ocean, by the way. It's not like we just switch to cloth bags. Oh my God. We are a fucking plague with shoes. Bill Hicks said that fucking 25 years ago. The Bangkok Post writes that the 23 coastal provinces in Thailand generate around 11 million tons of garbage daily. I thought it was going to be a year of which approximately 1.1 million tons ends up being dumped directly into the sea. Plastic pollution throughout the

region is expected to remain a significant issue as many Asian countries are experiencing economic growth that is outpasting waste management infrastructure. Here's the thing. Where the fuck do you put it? You know what I mean? I don't know. This is when you need hipsters because they're going to go back to biodegradable shit. Just trying to be cool, but they're actually going to create, hopefully, I don't know. Oh boy. What the fuck are we doing? These fucking corporations, what are they doing? They're just all about the fucking money. They don't give a fuck. Wars, pollution. They don't kill kids. They don't give a fuck. None of these fucking politicians does a goddamn thing about it. It's just fucking unreal because they need the corporation's money.

It's just, it's literally, it's like a suicide pact. How the fuck do you get out of that? This is depressed like the Irish news. It's depressing. All right. Massachusetts male mentality. All right. Here we go. Hey Bill, I'm excited to be going to your show, your Boston show in the fall. By the way, man, I transcribed that fucking Metallica song and my double bass playing is finally coming together. I just been sticking with it. Now of course, I'm going to be on the road for a couple of weeks, but I'll get it back up to speed. You know, Lars has like his four or five signature licks. And once you get those things down, you can kind of do a real shitty version of all of their songs. I still suck, but like I can actually, I'm starting to be able

to play along. I can definitely do like the 16th no thing, but he does that little, that triplet before the snare with the crash China that he always does. That yeah, that one's a little tough. Love your podcast. It's one of the things that keeps me sane. All right. I appreciate when you say positive things about your relationship with your wife. And now you're so glad to be on the other side. I'm a 42 year old single female and it's downright depressing around here. I've been married. So don't need to do that again. We just like to meet someone who wants a steady monogamous relationship. Unfortunately, the guys around here seem to obtain their intimacy from their relationship with their male friends. Women are viewed as an afterthought at best, but usually as a nuisance

or a threat. Oh, you're in Massachusetts. This is easy. This isn't easy fix. Get into sports. Get into sports. Start watching sports, increase your alcohol intake, and your guy will be your best friend you ever had. Why do guys have a mob mentality when it comes to women? They seem to think it's giving up to settle down. But don't they fear being alone later in life? Why do grown men care what their friends think? And why wouldn't they be happy? Their boy is living with a fulfilling life. I'm cute in decent shape. I'd say I'm a seven and a half in the looks department. And you're humble. I'm being serious. You know, decent shape. You know, you're honest. Have a fun personality. Can support myself and don't care about having kids. But the schmucks I've been

dealing with lately make me feel like giving up altogether. And another mystery to solve. Why do my friends and I frequently see good looking guys with women who look miserable? If you wouldn't mind taking a few minutes to wax philosophical on the benefits of relationship with the opposite sets, that would be great. Happy birthday from a fellow Gemini. All right. Why are guys afraid to settle down? Well, because women take guys for everything they've got in divorce court all the fucking time. All right. And like, there's only so many of those fucking nightmares that you can watch before you're like, why the fuck would I want to do that? I mean, that was my attitude for the longest goddamn time. And when you get into a relationship, a lot of times you are at the

mercy of the females mood. And, you know, there's, you know, there's all this shit out here right now talking about all the shit that guys do to women, all this horrible shit. But I'm waiting for the, you know, the winds to turn and blow back a little bit. And I'm not going to say that I'm the winds to turn and blow back a little bit and talk about, you know, just this constant fucking like, you know, keeping you on eggshells. You know, keep it happy, keep it happy, keep her happy, you know, that happy, happy wife, happy life is what they say. There's no rhyme for the debt. There isn't. So, you know, and everything is about you guys. I'm just being honest. You know, the wedding's all about you. Valentine's Day is all about you. The anniversary

is all about you. It's all the guy, what are you going to get her? And it's like, it's all geared that you are so fucking privileged and lucky to have this person. But there's really not that sort of reciprocal mentality. So, but when you're a single guy, you know, you got the world by the balls, we make more, more money an hour at Dairy Queen evidently or whatever the fuck it is that you guys are saying that happens and, you know, you hang out, you watch sports, you go down the bar, you talk some shit, maybe you get laid, get a fucking blow job and you wake up the next day, not in a relationship. That's really appealing and you still have all your money or a lot of it. It's appealing. I would also, you know, so I don't know. I'm not, I'm not, I know you want me to say

something positive. I'm just answering that first thing. You guys are terrifying and you act like you're not when you're talking to men, but amongst yourselves, you know, amongst yourselves, I'm sure you're a little more honest about like, you know, the sanity of, you know, so many women out there. There's just fucking nuts. They're fucking, they'll get pregnant on purpose. I mean, they're fucking, they'll bring a person into the fucking world. I mean, crazy, fucking crazy. God, I gotta try to see something positive here. Jesus Christ. Why you having a problem? Well, you know, you're also like, you're like me, you waited a while. All those people that are like, want to find love and all that, you know, you got to draft in

the earlier rounds. When you were in your 20s, there was a bunch of blue chip prospects there. Now you're in your 42, you got to try to find your six round draft Tom Brady. That's what you have to do. So it's going to be more work. But I somehow pulled it off. Grant, but I was 35. She was 25. I don't know. I moved up in the draft. That's what I did. Maybe you want to date a younger guy. I don't know. But I always looked at it this way that, you know, you're, you know, if you're out there and you seem cool, if you're out there, there's going to be your, your match is going to be out there. But like it's, it's dangerous as I just trashed women to go down that road to say they're all like this or why do so many people blah, blah, blah, you start getting fucking jaded.

And the reality is you could do that about it. Why are most people fucking inconsiderate? Why are most people fucking morons? Why do most people stand in a security line at the airport, rolling their eyes, looking at you, bonding it like, can you believe how long this is taking? And then they do nothing to be prepared for when it's their time, when it's showtime, they just start to take their fucking belt off and all that. And they become the fucking problem. They don't notice it. Okay. That's why meeting somebody awesome is so fucking special because there's not a lot of them out there. So you hang in there. And I think you're going to find the person that wants to have the relationship you want that you want. And I think the relationship you're looking for is what a lot

of guys are probably looking for around your age, right? If I was, I get a divorcee. They're already had his fucking kids already did that bullshit. And then he can just fucking, you know, hang with you. You're not looking to get married. You're not looking to have any fucking kids. You can just fucking hang out and drink Cape Codders and watch the pets. There you go. Bank bank boom. I solve your problem. Probably not. Wife wants to use my computer. Oh, Jesus, what do you got a bunch of porn on there? Hey, Billy Bob Burton. I've been with my girl for five years and married for one. And I refuse to let her use my computer. It isn't because of porn or cheating. It's because my PC is worth close to 20 grand.

What? I used to work for graphic designer, animator and gaming. I didn't know they made laptops worth that much. I even had it set up. So I am not. So if I'm not within three feet of it, it is locked. I have a piece of jewelry with an RFID chip that unlocks my PC when I'm near it. Well, I got news for you, dude. Anybody who wants, who knows, any of my computers can turn that fucking thing on from a different computer when they're not even in the fucking room, I guarantee you. I told her even before we were married that she will never use my computer. She has never had a phone that wasn't cracked or broken. And the last time she brought up my computer, I bought her a thousand dollar PC of her own, which she lost within a week. Am I being too unreasonable? Or am

I right not wanting to ruin my computer? Do you let Nia use your computer? Yes, I do, but like my computer is a fucking mess. No, I don't think you know, she hasn't demonstrated that she can take care of shit. Here's the thing. If she was saying you couldn't use hers, if my wife was like you can't use my computer, this is super expensive. I do graphic design. I don't want to use your fucking computer. I hate computers. Have fun with your computer. But it probably makes her insecure, because that is where porn and cheating and all that shit fucking happens. So I'm choosing to believe you in this. If you're not doing that shit, and if it truly is because you have this awesome fucking $20,000 fucking computer, then yeah, I don't I don't know what the problem is.

I would just sit there. You know what I would do? I would take her phone. I would open my laptop, and then I'd have her phone right next to it, you know, with the crack screen, I go look at your phone, look at my computer. What's the difference? Oh, get your PC too, honey. Oh, that's right. You lost it. You lost it. That's right. So now what have we learned here? And this is the thing, let her get mad. She's going to fucking storm away and be all fucking mad. And then once again, like I was talking about in that previous one, she's going to, you know, do that whole thing where I'm, you know, I'm sitting the cow done again. I'm mad at you. Yeah. She's just going to do that shit. And you know what? Letter.

You just, it's, you just, you sit over there, pout all you want. You know, I'm right. And then they'll get mad. They'll switch out of the pouty thing, then they get fucking mad. It's a whole goddamn process. Just be like, no, you can't, you, I would hold my ground on that one. Just say, listen, over the next year, if you demonstrate that you can actually be around computers without breaking them or losing them, you know, maybe in 12 months, I'll let you look over my shoulder. Yeah. Just tell her that's not how life works. You have to earn things. All right. Most of us do. Anyways, you wouldn't know that. Listen, all these fucking feminists out there, I think if you're a guy, you just fucking show up,

people give you shit. I'm so hoping it becomes a level playing field. I can't wait. I cannot wait. That's going to be the greatest fucking thing ever when they realize what a giant shit sandwich they still have to eat. Oh, it looked appetizing when you were peeking over the fence, didn't it? Sweetheart. All right. That's it, everybody. That's the podcast here. Thank you to everybody over here in Ireland. Even before I do the show, thank you for everybody for buying tickets to come out to the show. It's an honor and a privilege to be here. You're a beautiful Emeril Isle and I hope I give you money's worth tomorrow night. Go capitals and I also like the Vegas nights too. Their coach gave a speech or something, the GM, the beginning of the year,

their expansion franchise. If you don't watch hockey, he said, all you guys in this locker room are here for the exact same reason. The last team you played for didn't think you were worth being protected. Right there. They got the chip on their shoulder and they've been fucking mowing everybody down ever since till they ran into the Washington capitals. I'm going to try to find a way to somehow watch that game. Although I think tonight comes on at like two in the morning, so I might be fucked. I don't know if I can't watch the fucking NBA. Who the fuck reviews a charging call? I've never seen that before in my fucking, oh my god. But thank god they did. Because I was able to, I didn't have to waste time watching the rest of the fucking game. And then I went for a nice

brisk walk. It was good for my hat. That's it. Guess what, people? We're into June. Which means we are only two months away from the start of football season, preseason, just like that. It's coming around again. And god knows the way there's like four days off between every fucking NBA game. You're probably just going to have to do, you know, the last week of June and July and then you're going to be right there. Then you're going to be right there. Although I've gotten back into baseball. So I'm about going to that Giants game and keeping score, eating the peanuts, drinking that fucking course. I liked it. You know, I went down, I bought some cigars the other day, right? Oh, Bill, French fries, you're smoking cigars, you're drinking beer. What are you doing? I'm enjoying

myself. I walked into this cigar shop. And I can be honest with you, I walked in there, you know, it's also a lounge where people could smoke and shit. And I have never seen anybody smoking a cigar who did not look like they were just totally fucking relaxed. Just absolutely, absolutely in heaven. You know, like true cigar smokers. I walk in, every time I walk in, I go, look at that guy just sitting there. Because I always have shit to do. So I run in and I buy him and I run out. But I always see people just sitting there going, that's how you do it. Come down the middle of the day. Honey, I'm going out for a minute. Where you going? None of your business. Who is she? Her name is Aurora Emerald.

La Aurora Emerald. All right, that's it, everybody. I will see you tomorrow night. If you're here in Dublin, if not, I'll check it on you on Thursday. They're really lying, especially those empty batteries. But now we're going to the finish.