Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-5-17

Episode Date: June 5, 2017

Bill rambles about Clusterfest, pile on teams and medical students.

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I wasn't going to call you. Information and information on Proximus.be. Proximus. Think possible. For Monday, June 5th, 2017. What's going on? How are you? How's it going?

How was your weekend? It's really not Monday morning at this point. I mean, it's still my Monday morning. It's 20 to fucking 11. But by the time I finish this shit, it's going to be about noon. Noon. Saskatoon. See the northern lights.

I just had a fucking amazing weekend. I want to thank everybody who came out to Clusterfest. Up in San Francisco, this new comedy festival. I was up there and on Sunday, I had like a make-a-wish weekend. It was crazy. I went up there. Let's see. What did I do?

I did the two dope queen podcast. Then I did the comedy jam. God damn comedy jam. We were playing outside near City Hall, which I called the fucking state capital. Anytime I see a dome, I'm like, that's got to be the capital of the state. Why would they spend that much fucking money

making something look that impressive and all it is is just city hall? You tell me the fucking mayor lives there? Jesus Christ, I'd love to see the governor. The governor's above the mayor, right? Is that how it works? It's like meter made, then it goes mayor, then governor,

then state representative, congressman, right? And then a senator. And then the MotoGP level is you're the fucking... You're the president, right? Tweets and gets up and storms out of interviews when he doesn't like the questions. The fuck is going on with the... You know, I watched this thing on...

What's this place? Vladidadi there. Saying like how... Like anybody who's like an opponent of his, they fucking kill him. They've had all these weird suicides. This one guy tied himself to a chair and somehow threw himself into a pool.

That one right there is not only getting rid of your enemy, but it's also displaying your level of power. Because when you're not even trying to hide it like that, oh yeah, that was a suicide. Anyways, and then he's like poison and fucking people and all this shit.

Whenever I watch those... Whenever I watch stories about people like that, there was this guy and he's gotten poisoned twice. First time he went into a coma for a week and he was in the hospital for like a fucking month. Now he walks with like a limp. And he went right back to protest

and, you know, the current regime in Russia. And then he fucking, they poisoned him again. He goes to the same hospital this time. They realized, you know, with his symptoms going on, this guy's probably been poisoned again, so they knew something a little better.

So they got him out like a week to 10 days. I don't know about you guys. The first time I get poisoned and I live, I'm going to say to the cause, listen guys, I'm passing the torch. Okay, I did my part. I'm going to... I'm going to start making those furry Russian hats.

I'm going to open a little fucking kiosk down at the local People's Mall, whatever the fuck it is. You know what's funny is everybody thinks Russia's communist, right? Somebody told me that the other day going like, dude, they haven't been communists for like fucking 25 years. They're like over here.

It's like a small group of people running shit except they, you know, rather than tweeting and walking out on shit, they just kind of poison people. They're taking it to the next level. I don't believe the kids say it's turnt up. But anyways, clusterfest, I just...

I went to bed watching that. I started talking about a comedy festival and then I go over talking about a guy getting poisoned and continuing to do what the fuck... If I ever got poisoned doing stand up, that's it, I'm done. I'm done. I would just... I would send out a...

a tweet. To whom, whoever poisoned me, what would you like me to be doing with my life so I can get on with that? Stockroom at Best Buy? You got it. I'll fucking load and unload flat screen TVs for the rest of my fucking life to not go into another week-long coma

and stay in the hospital for a goddamn month. Knowing that there's people out there that not only can poison me, I don't know who the fuck they are and when they did it. Dude was just sitting there talking to his wife. Everything's fine. I fucking know where he's... He went from feeling all of a sudden,

I feel a little... Is it hot in here? Boom, right into a coma. Fucking 20 minutes later. Continues to fight the good fight. Man, that's amazing. That's amazing. If there is an afterlife or whatever, I feel like that guy's in the pre-checked

TSA line. Just goes right through. I saw this little YouTube video of a guy who allegedly had a 200 IQ. And I guess the average person has 100. You get up to about 130, 140. You're a fucking genius. You know, fucking...

Tesla had a 150. Fucking Galileo had a 160. Somebody had a 190. And this guy's got a 200. So he's allegedly the smartest person on the fucking planet. And he lives in the fucking middle of nowhere on a goddamn farm with like a couple of yaks

and some chickens. Some other super-genius woman out of Brooklyn. I don't know, if you heard him both talk, I didn't buy it. I didn't buy it for... I don't know, once his wife started talking and it's just... They never really made him demonstrate how fucking smart he was.

He just was talking about what he was doing. He was trying to prove that heaven exists. So... Right there, that was suspect to me. Well, it's just kind of like going like, alright, this guy's like the smartest person ever and he's like a fucking religious freak. You know?

I don't know, that's always a... I haven't found too many smart people that are like that level into religion. I have found smart people into religion, but they're kind of like, hey, this is what I believe. You don't believe it, I get it, but it works for me. So why haven't I stayed?

It's supposed to tell you you're going to fucking burn forever or some shit. I don't know. I think I was trying to prove the existence of heaven. What about hell? Does that exist? I don't fucking know. I'll send a... I'll post it. Is that what I'm supposed to say?

I'll post the fucking clip. Anyways, let me get back to clusterfest. I'm fucking talking in circles here. So yeah, so I landed... I did a private gig and then I did two broke girls, then I played drums at the goddamn comedy jam outside the fucking mayor's house

in this giant square. There was a couple thousand people there. And I forgot to adjust this one symbol, so they told me to bring my stick up. He had like the fucking crash symbol. The other drummer had the crash symbol, Nick, right above it, and I kept hitting it and I was missing shit. I was fucking up, but I just kept going.

It's kind of a learning experience. I fucked up a lot, I thought, but I just kept going and somehow landed on its feet. And then later on that night, I did a show there. I don't know how many fucking people were there. It was freezing. It was the coldest I've ever been doing stand-up.

It was just like outside, you know, for those people who don't live in San Francisco, and I've made this mistake because I took a vacation there a long time ago in July and I dressed like it was July. San Francisco's summer, I believe, is like end of September

to like middle of October. It was really quick. And the rest of the time, it is fucking freezing. So, I was in this little fucking trailer in the back, which always cracks me up about this business.

You're like, I'm going to make it. Someday I'm going to be a star and you end up in a fucking trailer park for most of your career. So I'm in this trailer, right? Not even a double wide. I'm fucking sitting there. Oh, by the way, Les Claypool was like across the way

before I went up, so I got to hear them play. I couldn't see him play, but I got to meet him briefly. This is my Make-A-Wish weekend. I just fucking broke out the double pedal and I've been trying to play Tommy the Cat and that type of shit, which I'm failing miserably at.

And here I am, meeting the fucking guy that wrote the goddamn song. He was cool as hell. His band sounded amazing. Um, and, uh, I did a show. It was me, Joda Rosa, and Pete Davidson, and I was sitting in the trailer trying to get warm,

um, you know, learning from the East Coast going, all right, if I'm already cold with my hoodie and my jacket on, I need to take this shit off and let my body adjust. So when I go out there, when I put the hoodie and jacket on, I'll be all right. That's something, um,

you learn as a kid. If you already put all your snow shit on inside the house and your body adjusts to your temperature and your house with that shit on, you can then go outside and you can be freezing cold. I don't know how it works. That's how it works. You got to take your fucking jacket off. So I was doing that and as I'm doing it,

I'm listening to Rosa and he's murdering and like the laughs he's getting is not opening a show laughs. And he went out there like no pun intended cold. There was no nothing, no music. I don't know what the fuck it was. Just ladies and gentlemen, Joda Rosa,

and he walked out to the parking lot and the hell we were performing. And he was getting laughs that were not open or laughs. And then he brought up Pete Davidson and he's fucking killing just as hard. Both of them absolutely murdered. Whoever was at the show, I know can back me up on that.

And, um, then I went out there and it was, uh, it was one of the more memorable shows I've had with like the mayor's house there. They had the dome. It was all lit up in like this Celtics green, and, um,

where they'd sat everybody, there were like these traffic lights that were telling you to walk or not walk. And I kept, you know, was seeing the sign when they were counting down, whether it was safe to walk across the alleged traffic that was no longer there. I kept thinking that was like the end of my set.

It was like fucking me up. And whenever the red light came on, I'm like, is that mean to wrap it up? I kept, you know, it's a fucking traffic light. Um, I don't know. So I did that. And then on Sunday, no, and then I went to a big after party. You got to hang out with DeRosa, Big J,

Nate Barghatsi, all these fucking guys, man, just having a great time. And then the next day I got to interview Jerry Seinfeld, um, promoting his, uh, comedians in cars getting coffee that's going to be out on Netflix.

And, um, I can't even tell you how fucking nervous I was to do that, because I was just like, all right, I was joking in the interview going like, I always feel like I'm one dumb comment away from you just standing up and just walking out of the room. And I never see you again. Like that's the vibe he has.

And as I said that, he stood up and just walked out of the, starts to walk off the stage. Um, I was like really nervous because I thought that, uh, I don't know, I just thought he was going to give really quick short answers. And I was just going to be sitting there like Chris Farley

when he did that sketch, when he interviewed Paul McCartney. Like, remember when he did Seinfeld? That was awesome. Like, I thought I was literally going to be that guy. But, um, within two seconds I realized, oh wait, this guy did the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.

You know, why wouldn't he come out here and absolutely fucking kill it? If he just sat here giving me quick answers, the thing would go nowhere and then he would look bad with me. It was amazing. It was one of the most fun things I've gotten to do in my career and, um, you know, before I interviewed him

for whatever, I had all these fucking questions like I was going to look at my, I'd never interviewed somebody like that. So I had all these questions I was going to ask him. You know, his favorite car of all time, his favorite met of all time. You know, what level dictator would you still be willing to do a private show for?

You know what I mean? Um, and I never even had to look at him. I asked a few of those. I asked him who his favorite met was. I forget who he said it was, someone from like the 69 series. But, um, it was probably that guy that Dove caught the ball. Um,

but before I went in and interviewed him, I was looking up, you know, some information about him just so I would have something. I was trying to think, what the fuck can I ask this guy that he's not been asked a million times before? And I just happened to see it says Jerry Seinfeld comments on Kathy Griffin, um,

controversy. And they were just like, Jerry, what do you think about the whole Kathy Griffin, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he just goes, it's stupid. Who cares? That was it. And I was like, oh my God, is he going to do that when I interview him?

Is he going to be that quick? Um, thank God, thank God he didn't. Um, thank God he didn't. So it went great. Thank Christ. And then I, um, the interview ended. Um,

I don't know, we would just say, man, that was a lot of fun. That went great. It was awesome. And then he left and then me and Josh Adam Meyers jumped in a car, didn't really jump in a car, Jerry jumped in his car because he does life right. You know, he gave me some great advice

about being on the road. He said, when the show's over, he just goes, go back to the room. He goes, go back to the room. He never just want to go out and have a couple. He goes, go back to the room. He goes, there's nothing, nothing good is out there. Just go back to the room.

And do you know, I already knew that. Do you know how many times I've learned that fucking lesson and he said to me, he goes, if you want to look this good in your sixties, go back to the room. And he looks fucking great. So I'm going to try to do that. How do you go back to the room?

You don't go back to the room. You have no stories. I'm going to be in Montreal this weekend. How do I go back to the room? One of my favorite cigabas in the fucking world is there. How do I go back to the room? I have to tell you, every time I go back to the room, I'm hating it right until I get to the elevator.

And then I go up in the elevator and I go into the room and I put the TV on and the second I get into the bed, I'm like, oh my God, this is awesome. This is fucking great. I don't know why. I think I finished the show.

I'm wired. I'm excited. It went well. I go on the road with friends and they're always, what do you think? Maybe go have a couple, two or three and I always say yes. I always say yes. So anyway, so the show ends.

I've learned to go back to the room. I've also learned to have the car service right fucking there like Jerry. Just like his act, there was no fat on him fucking leaving the stage, going to the dressing room, getting his shit and he just walked right out

and I said, yeah, of course. This is how you do your life. The fucking car's ready. My guy's like, I don't know where the fuck he is and he just laughed and he just got in his car and it was over. So I usually don't have any sort of a car service.

I usually just walk out. My car service was because I had tickets to go to game two of the NBA Finals. My make a wish weekend continues. So my car guy goes, yeah, I'm fucking dude, I'm fucking down the street

in the car garage and I go, all right, so we're right here. I told him where we're at. Come to the stage door. The dude comes to the stage door on foot and then walk this back to the fucking car. So we ended at 345. The final started at five o'clock.

So I'm like, what the fuck, man? So we walked all the way over to this parking garage. Got in the elevator, went downstairs. I'm in the parking garage with the crowd. It's the most anti-show business thing ever. It's the most anti-elvis left the fucking building.

It was fucking pedestrian. It was shameful. I should have had my urine show business card revoked. So we get in the car and we're sitting in the traffic with the fucking crowd to get out of the parking garage. Nothing VIP about it. Complete fucking moron I am.

So we ended up, me and Josh, we're riding in the car over and we're just laughing and going, dude, we're going to the fucking NBA finals. Finals, whatever the fuck you say. And we had a couple of cigars and we said to the guy, who turned out to be the greatest driver ever, we were like, dude, is it okay if I

don't get the guy in trouble? He may or may not allegedly let us smoke the cigar in the back of the car. And we ended up getting to the finals and we missed about half of the first quarter. And it's just one of those things. Like, I can't believe I'm here.

And I love that fucking arena. It's going to be a shame when they leave it. I'm going to tell warrior fans right now, enjoy that arena because your next arena is not going to be that loud. The new ones are never that loud because they build in all of those luxury boxes and everything is just

so fucking big and far away from the court. But anyway, so we go to the game and we're watching the game and it's fucking, you know it's great through about the first two and a half quarters and then the warriors just start

pulling away and I got to tell you as a fan of sport and competition that Kevin Durant the allowing Kevin Durant to go to the Warriors was that's out of all those things LeBron going to Miami

fucking Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen going to the Celtics Shaq and Phil Jackson going to the Lakers this one might be the worst one because at least like like Shaq

and Phil Jackson that was a bad time but still you still had like the Spurs they had Tim Duncan they had David Robinson you know you still had something to compete with and you know the Celtics when we won we still had to beat the fucking Lakers

and God knows they always had 9 million fucking free agents and even the fucking heat that first year they lost to the Mavericks but this one it was just like I'm trying to think of an analogy to come it would be like if Magic Johnson joined

the Celtics or Larry Bird joined the Lakers after the 1985 championship when we lost to him in the finals he just joined the fucking Lakers I got to yeah it just felt it felt fucking dirty when I was watching it

going like this just doesn't feel good it just I don't know I was at an NBA final game and I was actually bored which is funny because I thought when I was at home I didn't know what the warrior fans were chanting when they were saying warriors

warriors I thought they were chanting boring boring I literally thought that that's what they were saying because they were so much look at last year's western conference finals that was fucking unbelievable that seven game series

with the thunder and the warriors and then you look at last year's NBA final was fucking amazing went seven games and was one in the last second by the Cavaliers it was incredible basketball incredible level of competition it was amazing

and then I don't know I don't understand how the Chris Paul trade was bad for basketball but Kevin Durant going to the warriors and then just watching them puffing their chests out and punching their fucking chests and the crowd going crazy

as if they don't realize what they're watching like acting as though like yeah man this year's our year last year you beat us but you know what we dug down deeper no you didn't you picked up the best guy

that almost fucking beat you last year and added it to your team it was like I don't know every time they get to within three to five points which I have to tell you is pretty fucking amazing when you're playing a team they haven't even lost the game yet they've lost one game since

February and they were already playing like that before they had Kevin Durant so I'm not trying to rain on people's parade here or anything but I really don't have anything to say about the game other than I will for me

I watch sports to watch competition I don't watch it to watch a layup I mean the fact that they have all of those guys and then they can rotate them out and when their LeBron is sitting

down they got another two LeBrons still out there it's just fucking I don't know there was a lot I don't know there was a lot of like I just couldn't believe I didn't hear one warrior fan address it at some point just kind of be like

yeah this is kind of I mean any Celtic fans out there you didn't feel like dude what the fuck that year in 2000 we were like in the last place and then Kevin McHale's in the front office of the Timberwolves and trades away Kevin Garnett for nothing a former Celtic

does that to the Timberwolves like that should have been investigated the same way the Pau Gasol trade when what's his face Jerry West was in the front office of the Grizzlies yeah we'll give you Pau Gasol for his fucking brother who's now good but he wasn't back then

it's a horrible fucking trade those were bad enough but I think this is the worst one ever like this is I'm still holding on I have to root for the Cavaliers I'm still rooting for the fact that they can somehow you know obviously they got to win the next one most obvious fucking statement ever but

yeah I gotta tell you from about halfway through the third when they started pulling away and then the Cavaliers kept fighting back and they they just had it was it was ridiculous it was like I don't know I just walked out of there going like that felt like a fucking regular season game

I didn't feel like I don't know I don't know I don't know how to fucking somebody explain to me what that that's competition like as a warrior fan you're gonna look at that and just be like yeah man

that feels good and you have to be honest with yourself warrior fans weren't you guys bitching at LeBron when he went to Miami and he won two down there right weren't you saying that's fucking bullshit it's a pile on team now now if you were you got to say that

about your own fucking team and I didn't hear that once I just saw everybody fucking walking around thumping their chest like this was the greatest fucking thing ever you know what else is funny too I really think it's hilarious is

when the little kids come out and they do their dance routines that aggressive hip-hop dancing it's the funniest shit ever to me like what dancing has become it's like you're literally sitting there like little kid dance when I was a kid it was cute it was adorable now you just sitting there like this does this kid want

to fight me I think a six year old is squaring off with me I this whole fucking new generation where everybody's just walking around like they're these gods I don't know what the fuck that is about

these fucking Instagram douchebags who are trying to be inspirational people as they're showing off their fucking abs like like they're trying to help you by showing off their beauty and their own success and standing in front of private jets holding up a water

wash I just I for the fucking life of me I can't understand why that behavior isn't ridiculed and why it's actually like aspired to go out and get yours so fucking

get what a bunch of fucking shoes I don't know oh god I'm just a crabby old man I have to tell you um if the Cleveland Cavaliers had somehow signed

a giant free agent at the level of Kevin Durant then I think this would be probably the greatest NBA Finals ever because it would be like two Hall of Fame fucking teams going at it with each other and then even if I

you know I always hated that fucking you know I hate the super teams as you can obviously tell but at least if you have two of them going at it then it becomes interesting like back in the day when the uh roided up free agent Red Sox went up

against the roided up free agent Yankees I know it was bad for baseball but at least there was I don't know there was another roided up free agency fucking team out there this is just like um I don't know I just don't understand how you play a team

that has the talent that LeBron has and it's like fucking child's play because you got this other this fucking juggernaut you just signed in I don't know it was weird it was a weird feeling leaving there so I think I

fucking um I don't know I think that was a little too long I probably talked about it too long but like I was so excited to go to the fucking game and then you just it would have been nice if one warrior fan went like yeah you know it's kind of bullshit but uh you know LeBron did it in Miami so

does that kind of make it okay I mean uh hey you know that guy touched a kid so why can't we touch a kid right doesn't isn't that how it isn't how it works yeah I was joking with Josh I go do that felt dirty and then I also have to tell you I

absolutely fucking cannot stand the west coast the west coast fucking sports fan I just cannot stand them I did not hear one intelligent thing yelled during the game I mean their commentary is different reads of oh

shit that's it nobody fucking seems to know what's going on there was one guy behind me going oh I never seen the calves come out with this lineup oh they're going big there was a couple of people but everybody else was just fucking mouth breathers just waiting for the ball to go through the net to be

like oh shit they don't want none of this um sorry didn't mean to fucking blow out your ears there all right um all right I'm done fucking whining about that shit but it is bullshit it is I actually heard this one this is a fucking west coast sports fan I went into the bathroom

and somebody yelled out two champion chips going on three and somebody goes two and a half we got two and a half now I don't know if he was saying like they should have got it called a championship last year or they're already racking this one up because they already

fucking we're going to win game two I don't know I don't fucking I have no I have no idea I hope that that's what that guy was saying um do you think I shit on the whole fucking thing long enough I really didn't think it was going to go that long I'm already fucking 28 minutes in all right

let's do a little bit of advertising here oh by the way uh rest in peace blue apron blue apron decided not to uh continue advertising with me because I said um you know when they were I was reading the copy it says you know when you have fresh

ingredients food tastes better I was like really fresh ingredient tastes better that's the reason they're claiming that they they they stop um wanting to advertise in the podcast not because six weeks ago I read that story where they were you know going to farmers

markets trying to box out the little man you know I know that's what it was I know that they just were like well we can't do it now or he's going to bring that shit up that filthy shit that we allegedly did up again so we're just going to wait and we're going to wait for him to do one fucking read that

we don't like and then we're going to be out come on blue apron how dumb do you think I am huh stop going down to farm farmers markets allegedly you know what do you want junk cougar melon camp you have to write another fucking song is that

what the hell are you going after think possible alright here's all here's our old friends they don't give a shit how I read these I like these guys this is all zip recruiter are you hiring do you know where to post

your job well are you do you know where to post your job to find you know what I I got to start this read over again you know what I was just thinking I bet if I turned on ESPN you turn on ESPN you know if and when the war is when the championship it I bet those fucking guys they're not going to address it on any level

they're going to be like where do you mean they went 16 and 0 where do you put this in the pantheon of greatest teams of all time I mean even the 96 balls lost two games is it the greatest team ever they're going to do that and they will never address

how fucking ridiculous it is and how bad for basketball it was that Durant left the thunder just to fucking go pile on fucking pile on anyway sorry all zip recruiter

are you hiring well are you is that what you're doing do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates talk about the challenge of finding great talent and slash or the importance of finding great talent to success to a successful business oh I got to tell you

you know when I walk down the street with my sandwich board going who's talented you know it's really hard and I always think you know I wish there was a better way you know because you know in order to win you got to fucking have all the best guys on one team so they win by 30 every night

dude you realize the fucking Cavaliers scored 63 or 64 points in the first half and they were still down by 5 I mean what do you got to do you score 64 65 points usually up by 10 or 15 how zip recruiter is different

you can post you know this is what the west coast sports fans just going to say hater that's all they got I don't know if it's because they get up three hours later than people on the east coast but they just beg their brains in the sun but I don't know they're fucking I'll tell you the rough out here you know

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um alright anyways here we go alright let's read some questions here for this week see if I can stop talking about that fucking golden state thing hey Bill would love if you would find it I would love I would love it if you would find it to come back to Sweden

Malmo gets boring there's too few redheads to spend my money on here thank you alright I feel like he was vaguely trashing me yet he likes my comedy um I'm definitely gonna be coming back to Sweden last time I went through Europe

I didn't do the Scandinavians countries what are the Scandinavian countries people come on Norway Sweden Denmark I know there's one other one in there it's not Finland

that's part of the Nordic countries that also includes Scandinavia I can't even remember it's been so long since I was there I learned that Scandinavia was like three countries and then those three countries were part of the Nordic countries which included Finland and this little island just north of

Great Britain right isn't something like that I will definitely be back and I'll have a brand new hour if you fucking blue-eyed blonde-haired cunts and we'll have a great time from a lovely French lady hey Bill

hello bonjour I just wanted to say I just wanted to send a little message and hopefully have it heard that being a video videographer myself I immensely appreciate the graphic work and details and efforts for family

oh thank you such a great show on so many levels that's it all the best to everyone involved with Bill in general and of course Bill himself a French fan from Paris guess what French lady

femme de la France lady of the France of the show is actually the animators is Gaumont which is in France alright and then of course you know then they

farm it out to these people big jump in Ottawa that's how it works but you guys are part of the mix and what's great about France is if you use French animators an animation company is you get the government gives a little bit of money

it makes it cheaper you know it's a smart thing it's like a Trump thing they're trying to bring fucking business you know into their country like Trump says he wants to do as he walks away from the Paris agreement it's just a hoax climate change not global warming anymore

it's climate change just a little change in the climate I saw some lady on TV going like you know I think it's good for this country that we do it because we've always been a leader in environmental issues yes we have been a leader fucking it up the most

as far as I can tell if I'm to believe what the scientists are saying oh scientists with their information anyways by the way thank you to everybody that's been watching season 2 the people that's been loving it and you know

it's a ton of god damn work so thank god you guys enjoyed it or have been enjoying it please tell more people to watch it the more people you tell to watch it hopefully the more fans we get and then they'll let us do a season 3 and if not I'll just have all kinds of free time in my life

it's kind of a win-win for me either way people either I get to continue working with these great people doing this great show or I'm gonna become a hell of a drummer alright well thank you so much and I can't wait to get back to France at some point

when someone gets a little bit bigger we're actually we're what I want to do I was talking to Nia I want to get like some sort of fucking you know French person over here right that can you know help make my daughter smart because she's got to learn from somebody

I know it ain't going to be me and she also teaches her French and teaches us all French how great would that be my little cutie pie be over in France speak being fluent huh how cute would that be is that herself now it's fucking amazing she has this look on her face

she's like proud of herself it's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life it's just the best I'm telling you it's the best there's no material in having a kid there really isn't other than your fear that something bad is going to happen to them but I feel like that's been fucking done to death you know what I mean

other than that it's just been fucking phenomenal okay F is for family hey Bill I'm a big fan of your work in from Puerto Rico oh hope you hope to see you perform someday here I watched the second season of efforts for family

and it was great even better than the first one completely hilarious well take care and keep the good work keep up the good work how would that work you know Puerto Rico is like not a state but it's one of those yet another place that we kind of just decided

was ours um if I go on stage there do I I went on stage in Singapore I didn't get caned I'm sure I'll be alright in Puerto Rico I'd love to fucking go there bring my wife she can go to the fucking beach you know

I'll be there with all the lovely ladies all those fucking jailos walking around I think that would be that I could definitely be talked into that I'd go over there and tell my fucking shit jokes alright I'm smoking cigarettes

um alright get job on new season get job on the new season of efforts for family I'm halfway through and it's hilarious I've been smoking for seven years now I'm 22

and I can't stop smoking it's really starting to affect my health and I'm sick of it I quit boozing and smoking weed but I've never been able to quit smoking cigarettes alright and what the fuck how do I help you do this I tried to replace it with weed but it just makes me

want to smoke a cigarette after alcohol gives me cravings too you used to smoke cigars so maybe you've got some good tips I still smoke cigars to help me quit by the way you should come to Minneapolis soon and play a show check out the new Viking stadium it's amazing

um let's see you guys yeah the twin stadium is amazing you guys are doing alright up there as is the wilds the last time I went to I went to what do you got up there the Timberwolves game Kevin Garnett was still there

and you played in the Target Center and that was a shit hole um alright well they say quitting cigarettes is as hard as quitting heroin so um I don't know I would try to get professional help I'm so happy

I never started doing that and um you know I don't I like I used to smoke cigars like you know once every like four days or something like that now I smoke them like once every two weeks sometimes three weeks and I really don't have the

craving to do it I kind of wait for like the right time to do it like riding in a car to go over to the NBA finals that felt like yeah this is a cigar fucking moment um but the way I was doing it before was just like

fucking every goddamn couple of days like you know having a humidor and all that type of stuff you can really just I don't know um I I still think I smoke too many of them and um I don't eat right when I'm on the

road and I drink too much when I'm on the road and it's something I have personally I have to stop doing that um I and you know what it is it's really I find it's just developing I know people say this but it's just developing new habits

like uh you know if you're eating shit food you crave shit food if you're eating salads and good stuff you crave that and um I don't know I'm a creature of habit and if it's just like every night you know we're going out we're having drinks after the show it just because

it just your body's like oh now we do this it's in like this routine so you kind of have to force yourself to break up your routine um and I think you just have to make a decision that you're going to be stronger than it you know unless you have like some sort of

you know super addictive like personality like those people and you got to go into the Dr. Drew house or some shit like that I mean I don't know what your deal is but I would definitely I would seek professional help um alright VIP airline

that airline with the hot air hostesses um exist it only flies between Paris and New York oh I was talking about a VIP airline we don't have to go on with people that are going to take their shoes off and put their feet up over the goddamn

um you know stick in between your fucking what do they do they stick between the fucking armrest and that type of thing just those goddamn animals they should just have a first class one they should have animal airlines and then fucking raised right airlines so he's saying there is a VIP airline but it only flies between Paris and New York it's

only business class they give you iPads feed you chef made food and plenty of good french wine the tickets aren't even that expensive um treat Nia to a holiday best from France well what's the name of the fucking airline you gotta give me the name of the airline dude

uh now I gotta look it up oh hey I gotta tell you I gotta look it up you know I got time to fucking do this will my internet even work fucking scam that that is alright uh VIP airline

New York to Paris come on what do you say American Airlines New York to Paris flights air France the campagne discover Paris with the unique front all all business class airline I found it

it's l a c o m p a g n i e dot com um 1800 bucks dude you said it was a thousand I want to see some pictures here plane you trip to Paris

oh wow okay I'm impressed with their little terminal there my campagne no dude I live in L.A. I live in L.A. so I'm not gonna fucking connect through New York I'm just gonna say fuck it use all my miles and uh

jump on a plane okay if we're ever in New York that'd be a nice thing to do maybe if I'm doing a gig in New York then afterwards we can just go fly over there that's a good idea god damn it that's a good fucking idea who knows I'll ask the wife about that one you know what I mean you know

that works oh that was a question I wanted to ask Jerry I forgot to do I wanted to ask him dude can you just come home with a new Porsche or do you have to clear it with your wife you know can you get to a fucking like can you just look gonna be like dude I'm Jerry Seinfeld you know look around your house

do you like this this this this echo echo um alright heart surgeon busted for filming me taking a piss what dear Billy double take tits you know what the fuck that means it's hilarious

I heard the story on your podcast last week this fucking phone keeps vibrating this whole podcast the phone fart right right what the fuck is all of this stuff oh Jesus Christ alright

here we go I heard the story on your podcast last week about the Oxford student stabbing her boyfriend in the leg with a butter knife and how she was let off easy despite her psychotic actions I have a similar story that involved myself a little while ago I'm a musician

and was playing a solo gig near some markets in the popular popular part of Brisbane what the fuck is that I've been there oh that's Australia Australia that was the next thing let me sit calm I went to the next page

it's fucking hilarious during one of my breaks I went to take a leak in the public amenities I was doing my business in one of the stalls when suddenly I noticed an iPhone slowly coming over the top of my stall to my left I could only see

half of the phone but could tell the camera was going obviously it took me by surprise and for about two seconds my head went through a does not compute mode I was only halfway through taking a piss I said what the fuck out loud when I heard the stall next to mine opened very quickly

I looked behind me and saw a short possibly Asian guy running I tried to stop mid piss very difficult adjusted myself quickly ran and ran out after him only to find hundreds of people walking through the markets I couldn't see him anywhere I was

infuriated it was infuriating my first thought was oh great now I'm going to be uploaded to some quote I love public pissing dot com porn site I was really fucking pissed off no pun intended from this guy evidently

but kind of glad I didn't catch him because I probably would have dragged him by the balls to the police and then they would charge me for assault I don't think you would because it's a guy to guy physical confrontation and on his phone there would be your dick

anyways a few days later I was telling my friend what had happened and he said that he heard about an Asian German national being caught filming seven men in the public toilets in the same area and he found the article online so it turns out this

26 year old guy is a trainee heart surgeon on holiday in Australia celebrating his graduation from medical school here's the article what the fuck wait a minute wait a minute well at least he doesn't work on

somebody's fucking urinary tract he's he's he at least had enough discipline to be like listen I can't be near the dick area I don't trust myself so he's up by the fucking hat okay this article is slowly

but surely opening what is going on in the world the judge went easy on him and didn't record a conviction because of his promising career what the fuck I guess if you're a doctor you can get away with anything what the fuck so just because you're an elite student in this

world you get let off easy for doing really fucked up things apparently none of the other men filmed were aware of what he was doing so I called the police in the area he was caught they asked me to describe what I was wearing at the time blah blah blah and said the phone was confiscated and the footage was deleted I fucking

hope so they also act I was him saying that I just gave it a great read so it sounded like me if I could pat myself on the back they also asked if I wanted to press charges I said fuck yes the cop I spoke to said he would pay the pervert a visit

very soon to lay the charges as the guy was due to leave the country in two days I called back on the day he was supposed to leave the country but the cops said they won't be pressing charges because they had already been laid by the arresting officer and that the student

had received a conviction even though the article said he hadn't weird but apparently he will never be able to enter Australia again for the rest of his life I just think it's so fucked up that these people can get away with such disgraceful actions especially someone like this heart surgeon who could potentially be playing

with some poor guy's balls as he lays under the anesthetic I'd love to hear your thoughts well they kind of have the guy in check because heart surgery you need other people oh here's a guy German Taurus Ledai Tran

was fined 800 bucks sounds like about a hundred dollars a dick after pleading guilty to several seven counts oh seven counts seven into eight hundred so I don't know about 115

yeah about 115 bucks a whack or something like that 112 bucks I don't know counts of recording in breach of privacy a trainee heart surgeon okay this guy 26 a German national Jesus Christ even fuckin Asians if they go

to Germany they become sex perverts I thought it was just the Germans what is it with that country they just into the pee and in the shit and what the fuck is going on over there so he's fined 800 bucks after pleading guilty to the Brisbane Magistrate on Saturday

counts of recording in breach of privacy the court heard Lee had been in Australia for a month to celebrate his recent graduation from medical school when he was when he filmed the naked men on Friday Lee filmed seven men in the space of three hours by holding his iPhone over the wall

of the neighboring cubicle none of the men realized they were being filmed but his behavior drew the attention of South Bank security who contacted police Lee was arrested police found the video of the men on the phone acting Magistrate blah blah describe his actions

it's disgusting the offenses of disgusting the offenses are disgusting offenses involving a serious breach of the privacy of other adult males I can only assume the offending was for sexual gratification purposes Lee's lawyer Kate McArthur

said her client had been accepted into cardiology unit in Germany and would fly home on January 12th he has a very promising career ahead of him she said her client was ashamed of his actions but asking that a conviction not be recorded against him because it could

jeopardize his career and ability to travel Mr. Schubert fined Lee $800 and did not record a conviction wow man you know that's fucked up that's really fucked up that's really fucked up and am I crazy to think that because these actions are against

these actions are against men you know some happens to a guy it's just not as serious I don't think you know I just think that's I don't know either people like yeah you know they think it's funny like if this is thing if a woman told

another woman that's some woman I guess was filming and they'd be like what the fuck am I thinking oh wait maybe because it was a woman though she had she stabbed the guy with the knife maybe it isn't any of these issues maybe it's just if you're a listen if you want to get away with shit and you don't want to be a banker

or be in an insurance company then I would say get into have a promising medical career for you evidently that just absolves you of everything that's really upsetting all right let's let's you wanna you and the only way to follow up

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what do I got left to talk about oh how about the fucking Nashville Predators making it a series winning game three what I hope the Cavaliers do what I still believe the Cavaliers can do despite the fact I'm not going to get back into that again Predators win game three I saw a little bit

of it I was working that night and I actually saw when they went ahead two one and then three one was that the game I can't remember so here we go I mean from what I've heard they've been out playing the penguins at least two out of the three games so maybe they'll tie it up and maybe someone like myself will get

what I want which is a nice seven game series a nice classic so that games tonight I will definitely be watching and this week this week oh Billy Redface I'm going to be on Howard Stern on Wednesday Wednesday Wednesday Wednesday my triumphant

return I've not been on that show since I believe 2003 I did it twice in one month I thought I was an in guy and I never got another invite so I'm finally coming back you know I'm psyched psyched to finally come back

onto the show so please listen on Wednesday and that's it that's the podcast thank you for listening and really man no joke thank you to everybody who's been watching Effis for Family telling people about it

and then also taking the time to let me know how much you're enjoying it it's just it's really been one of the great weeks of my life I have to be honest with you so no jokes or anything thank you guys for watching it please continue to

tell people about it because we already have we know what we want to do in season 3 we just have to wait for Netflix to give us the green light and they give us the green light by you guys watching it and talking about it online which you guys are doing so I can't thank you enough and

that's it thank you to everybody at clusterfest I had a great time thank you to the city of San Francisco thank you to the Warriors for still playing in the Oracle you know great fucking old oh you know what's funny when I did that Seinfeld interview I jokingly said that this

venue feels like an old ABA arena and evidently the old San Francisco Warriors used to play there so I felt pretty good about calling that one alright Bill you're overstaying you're welcome okay go fuck yourselves I'll check in on you on Thursday and that's it let's go calves

come on man if you beat the fucking Warriors with all their accoutrements that they added all of that fucking juggernaut of a god damn team walking around thumping themselves in the chest as if what they're doing

I've said this for fucking ever and I'll say it last time when you were a little kid on the playground and you were choosing up teams even little kids knew when it was getting too when it was not this is not going to be there's no competition here

even as kids you knew this the Warriors are doing right now they're doing something that even children know are wrong even children would break that up you know what I really think it is I think Stern left the NBA maybe that's what it is maybe he would have stepped in who knows

that that guy was shady I do know this without a doubt Cleveland's going to win a fucking game because the NBA does not make money as nearly as much money on a four game series versus five six seven so at some point I'm looking for them to fucking just start

calling everything on the Warriors but then again I am a fucking conspiracy theory fucking freak I don't know I still feel like the calves have not played their best game yet alright I'm going to say they're going to win game three fuck it put it out there alright go fuck yourselves I'll see you on Thursday