Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-7-21

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

Bill rambles about kids parties, Boston Baked Beans, and 'Things I Should Have Said'.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, June 7th. Lucky 7th! Oh, Jesus! June 7th, 2021. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? Oh, happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. It's coming up on Thursday. Happy birthday to me. I'll be 53. Um, anyway, sorry. Can you tell I have a lot of shit to do today if you feel the frustration? Too much shit and just not enough time. Where does the time go? Um, yeah, anyway. It's a gloomy June gloom morning out here, out here in Los Angeles. Just dropped my beautiful daughter off at school. It's funny today she didn't want to listen to any music.

Did I tell you the other day we were going to school, driving to school and I go, what do you want to listen to? And she goes black and black because she doesn't know. I keep saying it's back in black and now she knows that but now she thinks it's funny to say it the wrong way. So she goes black and black and I go, all right. So I put it on and then she goes louder. Raisin' her right. Raisin' her right. And now I got to listen to all this country music that I'm into. She likes Waylon and Willie. Um, that's what you do. You just, they like their songs and then you just introduce a new one. The first one, like, I don't know what this is. And then they know a few words, then they like it. And then they're into it and then they request it and then you move on to the next thing.

So it's pretty cool because me and my wife listen to like really different compared to each other music. You know what I mean? So I think she'll have a nice, a wide variety of music that she likes, which is really cool. So anyway, yesterday, you know, the whole family, we went over to this amazing buddy of ours. It was his, their son's second birthday. So we went over there for this big, they had the bouncy house and all that stuff and just all of this sugar stuff. All the kids were just going nuts, having a good time, going down slides and climbing all over. I mean, it's really, it's really ridiculous the level that a kid party is now. You know, it used to just be, you know, you got fake guns and a cowboy hat and then everybody went outside

and you reenacted the genocide that started this country. I mean, that's what you did. You know, we weren't like these spoiled kids with their big bouncy fucking houses. Okay, kids, we, we, we understood how this country came about. It wasn't all fucking cake pops and fucking puffy shit to fucking slide into. No, I ended up being great and there was some people there making burgers, you know, those ones that I've been trying to figure out how to make the really flat ones that are crispy but juicy on the inside. So the guy running the grill, the flat top grill broke it down for me. So I'm going to try it out and, you know, just had a great time showing off my kids.

So every kid there was cool, just very rare at a kid party. There's usually some kid with shitty parents or parents that are going through something and the kids just acting out and you have to sit there and just be an adult and be like, okay, that's a kid. I can't get mad at the kid. I got to keep my eye on him. You know, I got to see where he's at and where my kids at, you know, to hell with these other kids. Those are my kids. No, I'm kidding. I actually look out for the other kids too. You got to keep your eye on him. What's he going to do? What is this little future banker, future politician, future high level of executive at some fucking corporation?

What is this little fucking future suit wearing cunt going to do next? Usually you have to worry about that but not at this party. Everybody's kids were cool, you know? You know, I don't know. I don't know if it's just the time I grew up in or that I had fucking orange hair but I just sit there and watch my daughter going, all right, where's the bully? It's coming. I know it's coming. It always comes. And I was just sitting there watching her for like 20 minutes before I realized that I was like a fucking psychopath going like, she's playing with the kids. The kids are fine. Everything's fine. And I literally said to my wife, I go, this is cool, right? She goes, yeah, relax. She finds us, all right.

You know? So I just walked over to the fence and stared off into the woods like a crazy person. But anyway, we had a great time and the day before we went to try and find a gift for this little boy and we had gone out to lunch. Me and my lovely wife and we just wandered into this little kid clothing store and they had these toys there. And I'm noticing the toys are starting to come back around these little boutique stores. They have like, you know, they had these cars that are like made out of wood and the wheels are made out of rubber and shit like that. It's actually going back to like, you know, when I was a kid, that was just ending, you know? And I remember my dad would look on, Christ, these are just cheap pieces of shit, you know,

because the tires would be all plastic. And I remember when the cars, when, I don't know, by like the late 70s, I remember we needed a new car and my dad just completed this dashboard. Christ, it's just, you know, when I was a kid, Billy, I tell you, this was all wood. It was gorgeous. You know what I mean? You just had chrome as far as the eye could see. Christ, look at this. You could fucking put your fist through it. I mean, he wasn't wrong. So, I don't know, it's a weird balance, but you're like, well, you know, and then if you start making wood cars for all of these kids, you know, you're going to run out of trees unless you replant them, you know,

which is what brings back you to why there's pandemics, why nature tries to thin the herd. And you know, we got to fight it back. What are we going to do? Just roll over and let her kill us? You know, it's a balance. You try to find the balance. So anyways, I found this really cool. It was basically, you know, that great Lincoln Continental, the 60 to like 67 one with the suicide doors, they had one in all white with like this fender blue, like that surfer blue that they have on fender guitars, top on it with rubber wheels. The thing was the shit. I was looking at it like, I want that. So we ended up getting them that. So, you know, figure a little boy there. That's what they like, right?

Isn't that what they're into? I don't know. It was funny because later on that night, we came back. And because at the end of the party, my buddy was like, Hey, man, he goes, I got that Mayweather Logan Paul fight. He goes, do you want to do you want to watch it? And I and I laugh. I go, no. And he laughed. You know, whatever. It's like, do I want to watch that? It's like, do you want to watch me go up against somebody who flew the space shuttle to see who's the better fucking pilot? Do you want to watch the guy who flies the space shuttle act like he can't fly as well as I can? Do you really want to sit and pay and watch that? But whatever. Me and my wife had had a night out and I got some family in town. So he invited us all over. I said, Yeah, fuck it. Let's do it. So we went over there and oh my God. Jesus Christ.

All I can say about that fight was I remember a long time ago when I was just starting out as a comedian and I went into. I went into the comedy connection because it was a famous comic that was in town and I wanted to see him and he improved a lot of his shit, right? And I wanted to see what that was like because I was so afraid to improvise and shit. And I went in there and it was like deathly, deathly quiet in there. Like it was almost like I walked in thinking there was nobody on stage. And the guy was on stage and he was just fucking eating his balls. Like I don't even know what I don't even know what to tell you. All right. And he got off stage. It was fucking brutal. It was one of the worst bombs I ever saw. And I just remember the crowd was walking out.

Just like like it was a funeral. And I just remember this Boston chick walking out and she just goes, That was the biggest fucking waste of money. And my literally my heart like sunk and I was like, Oh my God. It put the fear of God in me. I go, I hope nobody ever says that about a show that I did. Of course that happened, but I never forgot that. And that's what I thought after I watched that thing last night. I swear to God, the only reason why I didn't fall asleep was because you know, you'd be polite at somebody's house. But like somewhere in the fifth round when I realized he was just going to carry him for the whole fucking fight.

I just kind of put my head back and close my eyes. And I was just like, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. I'm up. I'm up. I'm up. Yeah. So, you know, what are you going to do? But I mean, you can't be upset if you ordered it. I mean, the fact that Muhammad Ali didn't knock out Lyle Alzado all those years ago, I mean, you know what this is. Okay. When the professional is fighting the person that's signing his check. You got to know that that something is up. So anyway, moving on here.

Holy shit. Yeah, that was just, I don't even know what that was. That was just a fucking snooze fest. Let's speaking of snooze fest. Jesus fucking Christ. The Winnipeg Jets. What are you doing to me? Can you win a fucking game? My God. I can't even imagine how many fucking Canadian fans are tuning into this podcast right now. Just loving it. Probably ironed your little pocket square.

I love that they say that they wear pocket squares, you know, like they actually have class up there. They're animals. And the real French people in France reject you. And they think you talk funny. Winnipeg Jets. Winnipeg. How about Luzipeg? Jesus Christ. Am I right folks? That was the biggest fucking waste of money. Montreal Canadians just fucking taking it to the Winnipeg Jets. I don't know how good the Winnipeg Jets are. But dare I say, you know, this Canadian team that was described as pesky,

maybe is a little bit better than people think. All right. Now, as boring as that series is, and as Habs fans, you got to be thinking, okay, if we sweep these guys and just watch the Bruins and the Islanders beat the shit out of each other, do we have a great chance at making the final? Or is it the finals? I don't know. I heard Ray Bork say the finals. So I'll say the finals. Yeah, it's getting very fucking interesting if you're a Montreal Canadian fan. Bruins vs. Islanders just been a fucking great, great series. Bruins looking to go up three to one in game four.

Islanders coming out like with a sense of urgency. They jumped on us from the beginning of the game and I just, you know, I just, it was one of those games like, you ever know just three minutes into the game, you're like, we're not winning this game. We're not winning this game. We have about another five minutes to fucking turn this around or this shit is over. And even though it wasn't like, you know, this wide, we were actually winning the game, one to nothing. I believe all the games kind of run together after a while. But I got to give a tip of a cap to, I hope I say his name right, Matthew Brazel, Brazel.

It's weird. It's ZAL, but it's Zul, Brazel. Anytime you can get a lady being candidate to spear you in the nuts, you know, you're doing your job. He's basically their, their Marshawn, you know, which of course they're going to love him and then say that Marshawn is a fucking dirty piece of shit. And they're literally the exact same player. They're the guy that goes up out there and stirs it up. I would absolutely love that guy if he played on my team, but I would never say that he's dirty. He's just, he's a cunt. You got to have those guys out there. Just going out there, irritating the shit out.

He got David Craigie to go to the fucking box. I mean, that's amazing. That never happens. And he 100% deserved to be speared in the balls. And I love that he then rolled around in the ice like a fucking soccer player. And then like two seconds later, he's on the power play, flying down the fucking ice. But it was a great, great game. It's a great series. And I got to tell you, the Islanders of Bruins better, better make quick work of one another.

If they're going to have a shot against the Canadians, because they're going to be nice and rested. Nice and rested. They look in all of a sudden, this is what I love about the playoffs. The Canadians, it's like, hey, fucking guys, they're going to lose the fucking Toronto, blah, blah. And all of a sudden, like a week later, you're like, these guys might go to the finals. Who knows? Who the fuck knows? So we shall see. I think a Bruins Canadian Easter Conference final obviously would be fucking amazing. And I would say that's a, like, I feel we're 50-50 with the Islanders, 50-50 with Canadians.

Could win, could lose. And then I feel like, you know, the Avalanche and I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't watch much of the Vegas nights, but I just feel like it's definitely the Western Conference's cup to lose. Whatever, I got two fucking kids, four and one. What do you want from me? I'm doing the best I can here. All right, plowing ahead here. I just wrote, I wrote something down. I don't even know what the fuck this means. Kid on the scooter. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit.

So last night, we were driving over to watch that fucking snooze fest. And I'm driving down the street and this fucking kid, you know, they're on like those, you know, those, those scooters that the kids leave laying around all over the place. And they just walk up like, Hey, man, here's my fucking credit card. And then they just like, are their phone, they touch it with their phone. And then they get on and it powers up like someone's Star Trek. Anyways, this guy and this woman get on two different scooters and they're riding and this kid without looking just goes right out into the street in front of me. And I beeped at him and he turns around, gives me this fucking dirty look like I'm the asshole. He turns around, looks at me and then I wave him to go.

I'm just beeping like, buddy, you're going to get yourself killed. He gives me a fucking dirty look. And then as he goes across the street, he fucking drops his short, exposes his ass and slaps his own ass and puts his fucking shorts up. And I'm like, the fuck was that? So I said, I'm like, what the fuck does that mean? I don't know. Kiss my ass. I don't know.

Right. So anyway, I'm like, all right, that was weird. And then we just drive off and I forget what the fuck we will laugh and we just having a good time, which is why I wanted to go out last night. So we haven't a good time and all of that shit. So then we come back and once again, we stop at that light at the intersection and I thought of that kid again. No, I know we got to the intersection. There was somebody like kicking, like ran across the street and then kick something, some object and like sort of talked to walk around. What the fuck is that guy doing?

And I was just like, why did that kid slap himself on the ass again? I didn't fucking understand. And and then my wife, I don't know, she just like sided with the guy on the scooter. She goes, I don't know, probably to bug you. I mean, he's still living in your head. That's what she said. Oh my God, I got so fucking pissed. So fucking first of all, that you use that hacky fucking Twitter speak.

And then it's just like, you know, that happened like three hours ago. I never brought it up again. And then we stopped at the same light, more crazy shit happened. And I'm kind of like, what's with this area? And then as always, what your wife does, what do they do? They always side with the other fucking person. I just for the for the I just don't understand it. I'm going to fucking start doing that.

I'm going to start doing that to her just for my own fucking amusement. The next time she comes home and she's bitching about some fucking asshole. And that's the key, some fucking asshole. You know, I went to the store and this woman's just like, you know, following me around going, can I help you? Can I help you? And I'd be like, well, you know, were you acting shady? You know, obviously that's because that would be racial.

That still would be funny. I got to pick that. So I can't do it in that situation. I still have to be like, you know, white people. Let me see. Let me pick a better example. Maybe if one of her girlfriends is Conti or whatever. And I'll just see like, well, you know, how was your tone when you were talking to her?

Were you being like, were you in a bad mood? And at first you look at me weird and then all I need to do is follow it up again where I make it her fucking fault. Just to say, I don't understand. Ladies, can you fucking please explain to me what that is? Is that just a resentment of living with somebody after a while that you just fucking so don't you still love them, but you don't like them anymore? So then you just, you know, all you can see is that they're an asshole that you live with.

So anytime they come home bitching about somebody else being an asshole to them secretly, you're actually excited. Is that what it is? And then you never see that, you know, you never stop to think that the guy you're with also lives with you. So maybe you're a fucking asshole too, but you're such a manipulative person that he has to fucking play by the rules of your emotions and still support you. Is that what it is?

Oh man, that fucking annoyed me. You know what annoys me even more about that shit? Is it like fucking happens all the time and I call her out on it and then in the end she acts like then they act like the victim. So like this is how you feel about me? It's just like whatever. There's no winning this, is there? There's no winning this.

Okay, okay. He's living in my head. There you go. And that person last week, yes, they were right and I was wrong. And the person the week, yeah, everybody's fucking right and I'm the douche. All right, I get it. I see how this game is fucking rigged. And then what happens is then you just give in, you give in and you just go like, okay, fine.

And then you get quiet. You're not mad, you don't yell, you just go, okay, fine. And then they try to start conversations and you just kind of, oh, you know, hey, whatever. And then they realize that you've had enough of their bullshit. And then what do they do? They start acting nice. They start acting the way they should be acted, which is nice. Right?

That's how they start fucking acted. And then what happens? Then what happens, right? A couple of days goes by and you're right back to where you were again. I still love my wife. I still think she's fucking the shit and all of that, but that is the bullshit right there. I'm telling you that as men, we need to learn. There's nothing out there that teaches you how to fucking navigate that.

Women have this fucking a whole library of fucking books on how to break down our fucking game plan so they can get a victory. And there's just nothing out there for us. So I'm just going to try this shit and just be like, I can't do it to her because then I'm doing the same thing. I just have to learn in those situations to just accept the fact that she's always going to take the other person's side. What are you going to do? I'm literally exhausted just trying to make that funny. But anyways, I will tell you this early in the day. I was looking at it going, look at these two fucking beautiful kids she gave me.

So I guess that's the trade off. Maybe it's just the balance of life. Maybe it isn't a fucking, a fucking, you know, I love it's that she gave me. I love that she gets all the fucking credit. You know what I mean? Like I'm not part of that mix. You know what I mean? It just, it just, it never, it never comes around.

You just have to understand that when you're a guy in a relationship, you're the Toronto, Toronto Maple Leafs, right? And she's every other franchise. All right. Sorry. All right. How about those Brooklyn Nets, huh? Jesus Christ. I mean, this is just the feel good story of the summer.

I just watching these, these fucking kids somehow come together just to find the odds and just who would have ever thought that if, you know, you put Kevin Durant fucking, I was speaking to which the other guy there used to be on the Celtics. You see him stomp on the logo, walked out and that kid threw the water bottle. And of course they're going to then immediately cue the clips of busing in Boston from 50 years ago. It's like you also stepped on the logo. You know, we also gave up a great part of our team to get you to come play for us. And you weren't a leader and you were a problem and you were a fucking head case. There is also that.

And we're still kind of digging out of that fucking hole, that crater. There is also that with obviously the obvious Boston racism and all of that shit, but Jesus Christ. Anyway, I'm just glad that he, you know, he found a home with some other knock around kids, you know, that they can all try to come together and just defy the odds. Shout out to the Los Angeles Lakers. I feel bad for those poor guys. You know what I mean? Just, you know, I just love a feel good underdog story and I just hate when injury, you know, just casts a dice like that. You know, it's just really difficult to watch.

I'm fucking with you. I don't want to see anybody get hurt ever, but like at least one of the Pylon teams was derailed. This guy at 18 assists. Can you believe it? I absolutely can believe it. All right, let's do, let's do a little advertise and little ever twos in here. This podcast might be a little bit short because I have to do a little phone here or I could do pit pause, do the phone or come back. Real quick.

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Okay, let's get into the questions here for the week. All right, pride month. Thank you. Dear Billy Boston baked bean town balls. You know, I got to tell you something about that big bean shit in Boston. I lived there for 27 years. I never had baked beans. I never saw them.

I mean, they were at the grocery store. You could buy baked beans, but you can do that in any fucking grocery store out there. Let's find out the history of that because I know there wasn't really good farmland, which is why you have all those stone walls throughout New England is they dug up all of those fucking stones and they weren't really marking their property as much as they were fucking trying to get rid of the goddamn things. So they could what plant some beans. History of Boston baked beans. I spelled history wrong.

I have history. Okay. Boston baked beans are a variety of baked beans sweetened with molasses and flavored with salt, pork or bacon. I bet if they're actually made from scratch, they got to be delicious because I fucking hate those things. History Native Americans. Oh, Jesus. Hey, teach us how to make them their beans. Thank you, fella.

Now you're no more. All right, Native Americans had made cornbread and baked beans. The pilgrims at Plymouth Colony learned these recipes in the early 1620s and likely added barley to the cornmeal to invent the New England brown bread. The triangular trade of slaves in the 18th century helped to make Boston an export of rum, which is the product. Now, how did that survive with all the drunks in Boston? Rum is fucking evil, dude. Rum is like gin is the worst and then rum, which is produced by the distillation of fermented molasses. At that time, molasses was added to the local baked bean recipes, creating Boston baked beans in colonial New England.

But where did the beans come from? Baked beans were traditionally cooked on Saturdays and left in a brick oven overnight. On Sundays, the beans were still hot, allowing people to indulge in a hot meal and still comply with Sabbath restrictions. Brown bread and baked beans, along with frankfurters, continued to be a popular Saturday night staple throughout the region. No, they don't. No, it doesn't. Nobody on a Saturday night in New England is having brown bread with baked beans and frankfurters. Jesus Christ.

Bostoners referred to as bean town in reference to the popular dish from 1883 to 1906. The National League Baseball team in Boston was known as the Boston Bean Eaters. The Boston Bean Eaters. This is how you go down. Oh, wow. That's what the original braves were named. Who knew that? The Lana Braves.

That's what it took me to. Lana Braves, 66 to, okay. 1871 to 1875, Boston Red Stockings. Then they were the Boston Red Caps from 76 to 82. Then they were Boston Bean Eaters from 83 to 1906. Then they were the Boston Doves. We're here to make peace from 1907 to 1910. Then they went the other way, the Boston Russellers, 1911.

Then they were the Boston Braves from 1912 to 1935. And who ended his career with them? Babe Ruth. Then they were the Boston Bees from 1936 to 1940. Then they were the Boston Braves from 41 to 52. What the fuck was going on with them? Then they moved to Milwaukee, 53 to 65. Hank Aaron.

Boston Braves, and then 66 to present, the Atlanta Braves. Well, they have to have the record for having the most names, Red Stockings, Red Caps, Bean Eaters, Doves, Wrestlers, Braves, then Bees, then back to Braves. Moved to Milwaukee, and then to Atlanta. Wow. Hey, by the way, shout out to Gavin McLeod. Rest in peace, man.

It was a couple of big actors from when I was a kid that just did such amazing work. Gavin McLeod, Kelly's Heroes, Mary Tyler Moore, and then he got his own show with the Love Boat. I remember seeing him, he played a gangster in Peter Gunn. Just an amazing, like, I could play everything from a gangster all the way to a network show about a cruise ship captain. You know, I don't know.

I don't know what was in the water over there, the Mary Tyler Moore show, but there's so many people that lived into that 90s. It's kind of amazing. Let me see something here. I'm trying to look up his IMDb. Oh, and also, obviously, shout out to Charles Groden, Rest in Peace, who is just one of the greatest comedic actors

of all time, and the fact that there's people to this day who, he was so in character, they think that he was actually that guy when he used to do the talk shows and he would come out and he would, like, be an asshole to Johnny Carson. First of all, the balls that that took, because if you actually pissed him off, he was the only game in town and you would be finished. And if people in the industry knew that Johnny didn't like you,

then they wouldn't put you in a movie because you're not going to be able to promote it on that show. He was the only game in town. And also, when he hosted SNL, he played this whole thing that, you know, sorry if I stink tonight. I didn't really rehearse because, you know, I'm in New York. I got to go shopping with my celebrity money.

And he never, he never, like, let people in on it. It was really like some Andy Kaufman level shit. Like, I remember seeing a clip of it and it was in the middle of the sketch. John Belushi just, just bails. He's dressed as, like, in the B outfit. Just going, you know what, man, you've just been a jerk all week. You know, you didn't show up for rehearsals or whatever.

And then he's like, oh, what? I had a guy to go shop. They had, like, an argument in the middle of it. And people thought it was real. They were so, like, in character. Look it up if you can find it. And there's still, like, there's places out there where they go, where they'll, they'll talk about, you know, the worst hosts

in SNL history and they always throw him in there thinking that it was actually a real thing. But his work on all of those shows and then, of course, Midnight Run, him with Robert De Niro is one of my favorite comedic combinations of all time. They just, I have to go back and watch that. Just an amazing, amazing movie. Oh, and another guy from that, that movie.

Is it Yafet Kota? Was that how you say his name? My favorite movie, his was Blue Collar. I might go watch that again. I'm having a blast watching all these fucking old 70s movies. Like, I watched another Clint. I'm on this Clint Eastwood run. So I watched Every Which Way But Loose.

And now I've just started last night, Any Which Way You Can. His orangutan movies. And I got to tell you something. Every Which Way But Loose is the saddest character Clint Eastwood ever played. He was a cowboy. I don't even, I can't remember if I talked about this last Thursday, but like, he goes into some like country bar,

honky tonk, whatever they call him. And he falls in love with the singer on stage who's just passing through town. And her deal is she's just a chick on the road. She sings her song. She finds a cute guy. She bangs him and leaves him. But he falls in love with her.

And when she leaves town, he tries to find her. And you just think in the end, like he's going to get her, he's going to get her back. Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert coming up. I'm going to say what happens, all right? So cover your fucking ears. It just doesn't work out.

He's just, he's just a sad, sad guy that fell in love with this fast woman, you know, who just wasn't, you know, didn't want to be in a relationship. And it's just him in a fucking ape. Anyway, let's get back to the questions here. Let's get back to the questions here. All right. Dear Billy, Boston baked bean town balls.

All right. What's the deal? We, uh, Native Americans taught us some shit with the beans. We, we judged them up a little bit. And, uh, and then there you got it. And evidently, uh, you know, I can't wait, uh, when I go back to Boston in August, you know, I got a gig bag.

I'm really Connecticut. I'm going to go back there, you know, uh, and I'm going to, on Saturday night, if I have a show afterwards, I'm going to eat some Boston baked beans with, uh, some cornbread and a Frankfurter. Ah, Jesus. With a fucking hat with a belt buckle on it. All right.

Since it's LGBT pride month, lesbian, gay, bi, translucent. Uh, I just want to say thank you for being an ally. Oh, Jesus. Even if you are a straight cis freckled ginger fuck. What the fuck does cis mean? Sick of all these fucking words. I need to know what the fuck these things mean. Yes.

Sistine Chapel. Jesus. And of course it's not going to. Denoting or relating to a molecular structure in which two particular Adams or groups of the same given plane in the monarchy. What? Okay.

I got to look up cisgender. Okay. Cisgender. Denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personality, identity, and gender corresponds with their birth sex. Oh. Alright.

Why does it always sound like an insult? You're a man who relates to being a man, man. Look at you. You're a woman and you love it. Yeah. Kind of comfortable with who I am. Even if you are a straight cis-freckled ginger fuck. Alright.

There we go. It's always great to hear from you as an ally without being all SJW about it. What does that mean? Single Jewish, whitey, same, jerk, witch.

Alright. Okay. I'm going to look up all these fucking words for all you other assholes out there. SJW. Definition. What the fuck is with my internet today? Oh, I know.

I'm on the wrong one here. I'm on the wrong one. And now it says, you are not connected to the internet. And then I got to hit refresh. Then I have to refresh again. And I got to hit refresh again. And then this is where the old me used to get pissed.

And the old me would get... Oh, you fucking... I'm starting to get pissed. I'm like a lady. Come on, you cunt. I guess I'm never going to know here. Well, you know what? You don't need to know everything in life.

Alright. I'll just... Okay. Well, I'm glad I'm not all SJW about it. Sisters without voices. The cancel mob obviously knows nothing about you. So fuck him. It's not a mob.

It's a small group of people. It's not even a mob. Thanks again. And happy Pride Month. Don't get a sunburn. You fragile, skinny, pasty cunt. Go fuck yourself. My voice just cracked a cunt.

You heard my feelings, man! Don't get a sunburn. You fragile, skinny, pasty cunt. Go fuck yourself. Alright. There you go. See? Now, there's a gay dude you can hang out with.

They're gay women. You can hang out with that person. You know? That's how you're going to come at me. I'm really... I'm feeling the love. I'm feeling... Feeling the respect.

You know what's fucking hilarious? It's a few weeks ago, and I was really, like, got down to the last layer of who the fuck I am and really figured myself out. To the point it so blew my mind that I side-swiped a fucking mail truck

and had to go get my car fixed. I was going like five miles an hour. Those stupid bumpers stick out just a little bit. Those honey-baked hams that they have on the side. And it just went right down the side of my car. I was like, oh, God. Over to the body shop. Yeah, you took out the whole side of your car.

Everything needs to be replaced. Anyway, yeah, just sort of discovered something that I didn't even really kind of, like, understand about myself. And what is so fucking ironic is I went out to do stand-up that night. And I was so fucked up in the head. I messed up my car,

and I also fucking didn't even feel like doing stand-up, right? So what's crazy about life is like, God, I got to block this shit out of my head so I can just go up on the stage, be funny or not be too dark and go up there and bum everybody else out, right? And luck would have it. I walk in and the comic on stage

is literally joking about the fucking thing that I was thinking about. This fucking shit that happened to me when I was a kid, right? And she was making fun of people that, you know, that were in my position. And what cracked me up was I was just, it actually took me out of it because I was like, wait a minute, this is the place

where I'm supposed to get offended. To be like, hey, just to let you know, I was in therapy today and I didn't. I didn't think that at all. I actually got a kick out of it and then I thought, well, maybe if some more traumatic shit happened to you, you'd be funnier. That's all I thought.

I didn't fucking think I'm going to record this and post it and try and ruin this person's fucking career. Why? Because I'm an adult, because I know I'm at a comedy show and I know that she was just fucking around. All right. So anyways, all right, well, thank you.

Thank you to the person who just wrote in. I know that most people who listen to this fucking part, I know that most people in general understand and go to a comedy show and understand all of this shit. And it's just really just lazy journalism and all of that, that you can be a corporation and literally be polluting the ocean while you align yourself with Gandhi in your advertising

and you don't get called out. But if you go up and you do some fucking joke or use a word, then all of a sudden, people try and take your career away, which is just, yeah, is fucking ridiculous. I feel like this whole movement, the whole woke thing should be a look inward, not walking around trying to point at other people

so you can get the stink off of yourself. That's all it is. That's why white women now call other white women Karen's. That's why hipsters called other hipsters, they're just trying to get it off of them rather than actually doing the work. But that's not what happens. People just say, I'm woke, I'm a woke warrior.

Whatever the fuck they're saying. It's just like, no, you're just as fucked up as everybody else. You're not as fucked up as somebody in the Klan, but does that mean you're a good person because you're not in the Klan? Like that's your fucking benchmark? All right, I'm going to go off in a fucking rant here. Let's spin it back around to where the fuck

I'm supposed to be talking about here. All right, late 60s movie, Billy Bastard. Have you rewatched Point Blank with Lee Marvin lately? No, I don't think I've ever seen it. I have never seen it and only saw the poster. I'm 26, so I have some catching up to do. I remember you saying how much you love him, so I've been rewatching a lot of his movies.

He's fucking amazing, yeah, and just his voice. And he was the real deal too. I mean, that guy fought in World War II or Korea, one of those fucking wars, and just his whole platoon died except for him and two other guys. Acting is acting, but there's something about lines being delivered from a guy who actually lived it, yeah. I think comedy is probably the same way.

Experience helps the details, and the average viewer can see through the bullshit. That's also, though, what is amazing about actors who haven't lived it. Anybody can kind of play themselves, which is why a lot of times you'll see a football player play a football player in a movie, and they'll, hey, that guy was good.

It's like, true acting is that the person's 180 degrees different than who you are, and you pull it off. The accent, the whole fucking thing is, and that seems to not get any respect. Anyway, P.S., never knew who Angie Dickinson was. What a fox, go fuck yourself. Angie Dickinson, hang on a second. Let me look at that one.

Angie Dickinson. Images, that's not the chick from Murder She Wrote, is it? Oh, no. Oh, Jesus, yeah, she is beautiful. All right. What was the other thing I was looking up? The other thing, because Mike got my internet back, SJW. SJW.

That's fucking hilarious. It says, I just saw a picture because I was on images. It said, where did the term SJW come from? And it shows a white woman with glasses in her eyes, wide open, yelling at what I believe is a white dude with a neck tattoo. Oh, social justice warrior. Oh, my God, that is just such a fucking, it's so,

I almost said gay, and then you get in trouble for, it's so douchey. I guess that's why you can't say gay, right? Because you're saying that gay people are douchey. But gay also used to mean happy. I mean, words evolve, man. Fuck it with you. All right.

The fall guy. Are you going to talk about Lee Majors? Another one of my favorites growing up. The fall guy. Hey, Bill, been reading about evil leaders in history lately. Oh, Jesus. It's not the TV show. This is the person they put the blame on.

One thing I found after deeper dives is that there's always a group behind the guy that never gets any attention. Absolutely. Whether it's oligarchs, rich people in charge, money people, banking groups, and religious groups, which I found almost always is backed by the former two. It seems like a huge issue when it comes to repeating history's biggest tragedies.

Yeah, they always have the Oswald. I'm not saying Oswald was innocent. That's what I always thought he meant by, oh, so I'm the patsy. They meant like, I'm walking in here. Where's the other guys? Oh, it's just me. People don't really care about complicated answers because it's just easy to blame the one crazy guy

doing all the talking. Hatred is like sports in movies. The public needs a face and a name and a story, or it doesn't care. Just like it's easy to feel bad for one person whose tragic story you've heard, but not really comprehend 10,000 deaths with individual stories. Yeah, that was Stalin.

Yeah, one person is a tragedy, one million is a stat. I bet you think this is a lot in your line of work. I bet you think this a lot in your line of work. A TV show fails and everyone thinks it's the guy who's on the billboard, but in reality, it's some suit who gave a shitty note, like lean against the wall and smile at her lovingly. That's the movie poster the public wants to see.

Thoughts, thanks for the laughs, take care. Well, I'll get back to that in a second. I gotta make this phone call. Hang on, it will be half a second in your life. Okay, just like that, I'm back. I am back. What the hell was I talking about? I don't even remember.

Oh, the fall guy. I bet you see a lot of that in your line of work. A TV show fails. Yep, I do see a lot of that. I definitely see. That's kind of how it works. If you win in football, it's all the quarterback. It's not the offensive line, never gets credit.

Well, I guess they get blamed if the guy gets sacked a lot. I don't know. I understand what you're saying. And I do find that interesting. And it's also, I think it goes back to this shit now where people want these, oh, I just learned it. These SJWs come after these cis white males. Look at me.

Look at me. I'm saying the things. No, I think that it's about putting a face on it. And more importantly, not their face. Because I think if you're walking around and you think that you are a woke person, you are not being honest with yourself. Basically saying you don't have any issues with anybody. And that's bullshit.

And I would tell you to listen to your inner monologue, especially when you're in situations where you feel outnumbered and the sun has gone down. You listen to what your inner monologue says to you and you are not woke. Second, you get afraid. You'd be surprised what your brain starts thinking. So that's the shit. I think everybody needs to work on themselves, everybody.

And stop with this fucking bullshit of like, there's the scarface. You people, you need someone like me. There goes the bad guy. Everybody's got a little of that in them. And some people more than others. So anyway, divorce settlement. Dear Justice Burr, recently an athlete, celebrity announced a divorce. The celebrity started a company while recently an athlete and celebrity announced a divorce.

The celebrity started a company while with the athlete. It is being argued that he deserves half of the company because their money that he made was used to start the business. Well, I mean, if I mean, that's how business works. Is if somebody like, look, if this is how I look at that, okay, if the celebrity started the business. Oh, I see. But wait, but the celebrity had money anyways. Oh, I get it. Okay, I must fuck this up.

So if the celebrity had enough money to start the company anyway, then yeah, this is bullshit. It is bullshit. It's fucking bullshit. It's the celebrity's business. The thing is how in a traditional voice divorce, the wife gets half of what the man makes, even if she didn't partake in the business because she provided moral and emotional support. That's a crooked shit. Should a man or woman get half of a company that they provided monetary support for? Not a loaded question.

Just need a burr ruling on this. Thanks and go find yourself, man. This is what I would argue. If that celebrity, if the person's a celebrity, they have enough money to support themselves and they have enough money to start a business. I can tell you this. If I was the athlete, I would say, listen, that's your money. That's your business. Just let me keep my sneaker deal money and all of that shit.

All right. And I'll go off and I'll fucking, you know, do whatever the fuck it is. We both have money. Let's not be assholes. All right. I would just, with them, I would just say, okay, let's sell the house. We'll split that. But I wouldn't personally speaking, I don't think that you should get into all of, you know, the celebrities building a brand and has like a clothing company or some fucking shit.

I don't agree with that. But what I will say is at least both of those people were working and making money because I will tell you the moral and emotional support is the biggest crock of fucking shit. Because there's no way to prove that. And you could be a total fucking nag and also moral and, you know, I'm sitting at home. I don't have a fucking job. You're going off in a coal mine. Give them hell, honey. You could do it.

I play canary in a coal mine from the police while I make your breakfast in the morning. And then therefore I should have half your sooty money. I don't agree with it. All right. What I should have said. Oh, this, here's a new segment called what I should have said everybody, you know, those moments in life where you just let somebody walk all over you before you even realize it's happening. And then 10 minutes later, you think the thing that you should have said, this is what it is. All right.

Donut dreams. Hello, Bill. I'm a big fan of yours and can't wait to see you when you, when you tour through my town this September. I was listening to the May 31st podcast and I have a story about a time I wish I could go back and tell this donut baking asshole to fuck himself. And that is donut suck. All right. Here we go. Hey, friends, and we were going to our local donut shop one late night because we had the munchies at the time is was eating a lot of peanut butter.

Okay. At the time I was eating a lot of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because I was broke and they are easy to make in my altered mood. I was curious what a peanut butter and jelly donut would taste like. So I got all excited. Dude, how fucking high were you? Hey, man. Peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the donut, man. So I got all excited.

Yep. And you were one with the world. And you walked in where this sober cunt was making donuts. Gee, where, what could go wrong here? So I got excited about the potential of this store having a donut with jelly and peanut butter. We get to the store and I start looking over the donuts for something that might have jelly and peanut butter. I see a donut that might have jelly or something. I can't remember exactly what happened, but asked the baker, is that grape jelly?

The baker responds, grape jelly? What are you, pregnant? I'm sorry. That's fucking hilarious. He goes, that's something my pregnant wife would want. He totally shat all over my donut dream and I didn't know what to say. I was so high I couldn't think of anything to say back. I probably just shrug and gave up.

I don't know, look, but we got our donuts and went on our way. Dude, what you should have done was you should have laughed your ass off and said, sorry, man. I'm high. He's not a cunt, dude. You were fucking high and that is a hilarious response. Anyways, he goes, I wish I could have said something like, no, I'm not pregnant. You don't at baking cunt. Oh, don't do that.

Don't do that. You never make fun of what a person does for a living. I learned that the hard way. I just want a goddamn donut with peanut butter and jelly. I'm not very good at comebacks, but I never bought any more donuts from this bakery ever again. The worst part is the donuts are actually pretty good. Thanks to go fuck yourself. This is what you need to do.

You need to forgive yourself for being that fucking high that you asked for a grape jelly donut. You also have to give it up for that guy that what he said was fucking hilarious. All right. And I think it's time you go in there and you get your fucking smokes and we go in and go have some more fucking donuts. All right. It was funny. He just made you feel silly.

Why did that make you feel so bad? You should have been able to laugh that off. I'm going to say that maybe were your parents mean to you growing up? Were you bullied a lot? Is that what it was? Because that seems like you brought a little bit of baggage in there because that was like, depends on what he said. Grape jelly, were you pregnant?

I would have fucking fell on the floor laughing. I would have fell on the fucking floor laughing if the guy said that to me. You know, but I don't know. It depends on how we said it on defense of you. Because I remember one time when I didn't know anything about drums and I was into Stuart Copeland. I wanted to buy one of those little symbols that he had. I came walking into this music store and I was like, yeah, I want to buy a symbol.

Do you have like one of those little symbols? You know, they're not like bigger. They're literally small ones. And the guy just goes, you mean a splash? You mean a cunt? It's just like, all right, I'm sorry your band didn't make it. Yeah, splash. Sorry.

This is why you work here. I'm brand new. I'm going to spend money in your store, your cunt. I get it. I know on it, you know, did your friends laugh at you? Is that what it was? Were you pregnant? That's fucking hilarious.

Anyway, here we go. Keep them going. Moving on here. What I shouldn't have said. Oh, so this person's turning it on the, on its ear here. What I shouldn't have said. Dear Billy Burberry Handbag, I am the type of person who rarely says what's on their mind, nor do I stand up to passive aggressive jerks.

But one time, 20 years ago, I lashed out and said what was on my mind. I was a senior in high school. I was in my senior year of high school and I just had finished a painting of my girlfriend Jenna. I was quite proud of it and was excited to share it. In my next class, my friends asked to see it. I happily passed the painting over to my peers where people gathered around to look at it. Oh God.

Yep, you were too young to know where this was going to go. I took in various feedback from feigning interest to genuine compliments. Oh, I thought it was going to get meaner than that. There was a girl in my school who was a deeply unkind person who behaved as if she was God's gift to men. When she saw the painting, she quipped, that doesn't even look like Jenna. In her rude, holier-than-thou way, she was known for. 99 out of 100 times a comment like that would be internalized and replayed on an endless

self-deprecating cycle. Oh God, dude. I know it. I got a reel-to-reel machine with endless tape in my fucking head. Anyway, the person says, for some reason this time, I saw red and without hesitation, I angrily blurted out, no one asked you, you fucking bitch. Oh my God, I love that. That's fucking hilarious.

She goes, the whole class went silent, her face turned beet red, and I was handed back my painting as I heard someone say, Jesus Christ, Joey. I cannot say it was my proudest moment. What are you fucking talking about, dude? If I was the guy that judged you, the fucking God at the end of my life, you're walking in my waiting room to see if you're getting to heaven, and I'm doing the denero. Come here, you. Come here, you, right?

He said, I cannot say it was my proudest moment. It goes against my desire to be kind to people. Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no. People have to earn. If you're a good person, people have to earn that. You just don't give it to them. Anyway, but it has also become a guilty pleasure memory. I like to dig up whenever I'm feeling like a handbag.

Dude, fuck that, man. Dude, you painted a picture of this woman you were in love with, and she goes, that doesn't even look like Jenna. Okay? No one asked you, you fucking bitch. Like, yeah. I mean, that's all aces. There's nothing guilty about that.

I mean, that's a fucking triumph. I mean, I personally, I would watch that clip right in between some NFL films about Superbowl victories and that at no point would I be like, why was that in there? I would totally see a through line. Kudos to you. Anyway, PS, I love your comedy and think F is for family is a masterpiece and will be forever and will forever be one of my favorite cartoons. Thank you for being you.

That's great. Thank you. Well, you can thank the great Mike Price. Mark Wilmore, rest his soul. David Richardson, rest his soul. Emily Towers, everybody who's written on that thing is the reason why it's that great. All right. Wish I said something.

And after this, I'm going to have to wrap this fucker up because I'm going to be late here. Wish I said something. Hey, strawberry short snake. Some really good ones today. Strawberry short snake. You asked for people to write in and ask the time they didn't do anything at the time, but wish they had. Well, I was watching a UFC fight with some friends and we were just drinking beers,

cracking joke. When a friend of mine, when a friend of my friend says to me randomly, you talk a lot of shit for someone who has never been in a fight. I looked around to see if anyone heard what was said and everyone just ignored it. Guy trains MMA and fights locally and was right. I've never been in a fight, but that's beside the point. It was incredibly fucking rude and it ruined the night. I'm not lying to you when I say I've hung out with this group hundreds of times without

incident. He's a relatively new friend of a friend of a friends I've had for 15 years. I said nothing because I was shocked. I fumed about it for hours and it ruined my night. I have fantasized about things I should have said. Oh yeah, beating the shit out of the guy. Everybody's been this person. I should have said two years later, people act like being the bigger man is the right

thing to do, but I don't know that shit stays with you. I have let it go and I'm glad I didn't do anything because I have a kid. But your last podcast reminds me of how annoying that was. Let me know your thoughts. Come back to New England when you can. Yeah, that's a that's a douchey thing. Depends on how bad you were talking. If you guys were just like joking around and shit, you know, if he actually trains like

MMA, maybe he should have been the bigger person. I don't know. What can you do? The big thing is you got to like make peace with it. It's the real thing. Yeah, it sucks being called out like that. That's more getting called out, I feel. You kind of got called out, but your man enough to say he was right.

So I don't think you're a bad person. And I don't know. I mean, what were you going to do? Throw a punch at the guy and then get your ass kicked, but then he'd respect you. Part of watching MMA is to be fucking laughing. I mean, that's one thing I don't like about commenters on those MMA things. You know, you got knocked the fuck out and all of that type of shit. And I just never felt.

I don't know what I guess I do that with hockey though. I'll talk about people that could beat the shit out of me saying that they were cheap pieces of shit. So I guess we all do it. Yeah, that sucks. It sucks. You know, none of your friends said anything like, hey, man, take it easy. We're just fucking around having fun. He knows he can't beat up these guys.

Relax. Right there, Bruce Lee. Hey, if you were any better, when you be on the fucking, we'd be watching you right now. All right, this strip mall fighter. And then he kicks the shit out of everybody in the room. All right, underrated living in the past. I have no problem with people who want to watch me TV and dream about a different time. I think it's healthy and can help you happier in the present.

I revisit old TV and music all the time and think about summers of old. It makes me happy and I haven't completely lost touch with my life. Bills are paid and the family is happy. Yeah, I kind of agree with you. I am going back just watching all these movies that I either saw when I was a kid or never saw. And I just, there's so many little fucking things in there that make me smile. Literally, like, they'll be in a diner and you just see like glasses instead of those plastic fucking things, a napkin dispenser. A kid rides up on a bike.

A bike you haven't seen, you know, since you were a kid, where a kid, you know, in one of those dirty Harry's, these guys go into Rob a liquor store. And first of all, that there's a kid in the liquor store in the movie, which they would never do in today's movies. Because what kind of message would that send? And the kid goes to run out of the store when they take out their guns and this guy grabs the kid and throws them into a display. And what I loved about it was he was wearing a numbered shirt. In the 70s, kids used to wear numbered shirts. They had nothing to do.

They had no sports affiliation to them. They just were a numbered shirt. And when I saw that, they just, you know, it made me smile. And also seeing an adult throwing a kid that wasn't his into a display in a store and nobody doing anything about it. Regardless of the fact that they had guns, just made me fucking laugh my ass off. So I 100% agree with that. All right, that is the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.