Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-8-15

Episode Date: June 8, 2015

Bill rambles about the French Open, the Lion King and vibrators.

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June 8th, 2015. What's going on? Bonjour, tous les morts. Je m'appelle Guillaume. Je voudrais... 1664, s'il vous plaît. I can't fucking say it anymore, man. I'm ready to come home.

I've had a great time over here. And, you know, no matter how much of a good time you're having, at some point you miss your stuff, you want to go home and see your dog, you know. You'd just like to fucking speak your own language. I'm so fucking sick of trying to speak this shit over here. I'm having a great time.

My French is better than it's ever been. But I am fucking, you know, the meme shows, s'il vous plaît. That means more of the same. If you're ever in a bar and you finally get your fucking out whatever you wanted, you know what I mean? You know, je voudrais my fucking Jack Daniels on ice or whatever. Once you get that shit out and you know what the fuck you're saying,

when they come back, you know, and they're like, you know, we miss you. You just point your glass, you go, the meme shows, s'il vous plaît. And they go, are we? And they walk away and they come back and magically, they give you another fucking... another glass or whatever the fuck you just ordered.

And I also found out over here that I like green beans. I always thought green beans, it's like, ah, whatever, you know. I forget what they call them over here. Errugat, I can't even remember. I fucking look at it and I can read it and I know how to say it, you know. You know, je voudrais salade Errugat's vet, whatever the fuck you say, right? And all it is, is green beans with a little bit of fucking this mustard dressing they put on them. And I gotta tell you, it's out of this fucking world.

So much shit over here that I don't like over in the States is really out of this world over here. And I've been eating like a fucking animal over here and I haven't really been putting on the weight that I put on what I'm in the States because I don't know what the fuck they do, even like the chicken. Uh, Poulet, uh, rotissu veblé, right? Fucking rotisserie chicken over here. I swear to God, our chicken over there is on steroids. I don't know what's going, I don't know what the deal is.

Like we bought a full chicken and, you know, I'm not gonna lie to you. I was a little buzzed and I can carve a chicken on a turkey like nobody's fucking business. Why? Because I'm some sort of chef. No, because I watched a YouTube video that broke it down. So I'm sitting there looking at this chicken. And like I said, I was a couple of drinks in. I couldn't figure out where the breast meat was.

I couldn't tell really the top from the bottom of the thing because I'm so used to where Mark McGuire roided up fucking chickens that, you know, it's puffing up like it's going to Gold's fucking gym over there. Right? And, uh, yeah, it's just, it's like their chicken over here looks like a fitness model. Right? Where ours looks like, who's that guy in the Astros that played third base that never got busted for fucking looking like the same body type as Robert Newhouse.

That's what our chicken looks like. And, um, yeah, the green beans are smaller and they're way more tastier. And I was over here going, I fucking love green beans. I didn't know that. I think that the ones we have over where we're at, they, they, they shit. I'm not trash in America. I'm not being one of these kinds that goes to another country. Like, oh my God, everything they have over here is fucking wonderful.

I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying that, uh, I'm actually talking to the rest of the world that makes fun of how fucking fat Americans are. Like they, I don't know. I don't know what happened, but there's, there's something wrong with that goddamn food. Um, having said that though, I would rather look at a fat American than a fat European, because at least an American at some point in his life did a fucking pushup and has some sort of a, uh, some sort of shoulders in some arms and a little bit of chest on them.

These fucking fatties over here. They're just, they're like, uh, they got like chick bodies. Like they never did a pull up in their life or anything and then they just get fat and then they keep wearing the tight t-shirt. You know, like those gay guys do, the gay guys in West Hollywood, I don't give a fuck what shape they're in. They wear a tight shirt, but the gay dudes in America at least at least have the decency. They're still trying. They go to the gym so they don't look that bad.

At least they got, they got some fucking guns on them. You know, they got some pecs, right? Some older guy pecs. I mean, I should talk right now. That's what I look like. I look like a fucking Tuesday afternoon stripper right now with my shirt off. You know, you could see how at one point maybe I used to dance on Saturday night, but now I've had like two or three fucking kids out of wedlock too.

So it was a hard two or three, right? No fucking alimony. Even if I know who the fucking father is, he doesn't have any money. You can't get blood from the stone and that dude's sitting in jail. You know, it's stupid. He should be out driving a truck somewhere, right? Why the fuck isn't my laptop charging? It's another thing I'm fucking sick of.

I'm sick of this fucking lack of American electricity over here. Oh, I'm just a fucking grouchy cunt right now. But I haven't said all that, you know, we're still having a great time over here. I'm just, you don't even realize I haven't really been vacationing over here as much as I've been on like a seven day bender. It's like, I got to get, I got to stop. Like at some point we finally just said like, you know, when we live at home, you know, we don't go out to a bar every night.

You just, when you're on vacation, you feel like, oh, I got to do something every night. And one of those things you could do is actually relax and get a good night's sleep. You know, and you would think, you know, being a cator says or sees how the fuck you say it. Cator sees. I just did a YouTube thing. I said 16 first. Soon to be that cat or is cat or cat or set. That's going to be on Wednesday or Thursday.

Mercury is dirty. I don't fucking know. I just woke up. Fuck you. Anyways, you'd think being almost 47 years old that I would have learned that by now, but I didn't, you know, and there's probably a lot of you looking down on me. Like I'm some sort of fucking asshole. But now you never really learned that lesson either.

What happened to you is you got married and you had a fucking kid. And from what I've heard from parents is kids don't give a fuck about a hangover. So just because you don't want to deal with your kid, you stop drinking. Or maybe you love the thing, right? To the point where you don't want to be the drunk mom or dad. But I swear to God, you know, parents, anytime they get a chance for the most part, they steal away a couple of minutes. The grandparents come over and take the kids there immediately in the liquor cabinet.

Right? All right. Well, there you go. Sorry. You know what this really is is me just feeling like I'm drinking too much. So instead I got to fucking lash out at people who never really said anything to me. Maybe you're just sitting there with a kid going, hey, Billy, you know, I'm just kind of enjoying the podcast.

There's no reason for you to be a cunt to me because you're a freckled booze bag. And you know what? I'll take that. I will take that. You know what? You see that? Trying to be more mature. So anyways, also, you know what the thing is?

Is yesterday I went to the French Open and that was like the big thing that I wanted to do. So I think mentally I kind of checked out like, all right, I'm done. I'm done. I had the croissants. I had the baguettes. I sat in the cafes and I fucking did whatever the fuck I did. I went to the French Open. You know, I took my lady out on her birthday.

I got her a really nice gift. I feel like I'm done, like roll credits. And I still got two days here before I fly back, two, three days before I fly back. And I don't know what this is. This is the calm before the storm, you know, rather than being depressed that it's almost over. I'm actually kind of excited because I'm ready to go back. But somewhere around two in the afternoon today, it's going to hit me like, oh fuck, you know, I only got another two and a half days here. And then the drinking is going to start all over again.

And there is something about the fact that Jim Morrison died in this town that you really feel like a pussy if you just fucking go home. So what I'm saying to you is I'm going to be fucking hammered until about Wednesday. Okay, so this is the Monday Morning Podcast. You know what I did the other night before I went to the French Open. I got my NHL feed to work and I watched Game 2 of Tampa Bay versus Chicago. And what a fucking game. What a series. I'm so psyched that I actually was able to see that because I'm fucking missing the Cavs Sacramento series, as I called it last week.

The Cavs Golden State series. It looks like a classic. I don't think the first game went into overtime, but I know that the Warriors won by two. And then last night, the Cavaliers won by two in overtime. And I just saw the look on the Cavaliers faces like, you know, after they had won it, like it was that combination of happiness and anger. Well, you just like, all right, these guys are fucking dialed in. This is going to be a hell of a series. And I did see something funny on the NBA website talking about Steph Curry.

It says one bad night or something worse, which is the classic symptom of all these different sports outlets that, you know, someone just can't have a bad game. All of a sudden it's got to be. Oh my God, is the fucking sky falling? So anyways, I watched Game 2, even though I knew I had to be up. I had to be over at Roland Garrals by fucking 11 a.m. So I had to be up at 10 and the fucking hockey game didn't come on till like fucking one in the morning. So I was up till four in the morning watching that shit. I don't give a fuck.

I'm watching this shit. And first of all, like an asshole, I thought that I had to be over it. The French opened at 11 a.m. Because I just thought it was the men's finals and that was it. And by the way, I'm sick of people giving me shit on Twitter for calling it the Stanley Cup Finals. My whole life we called it the Stanley Cup Finals. It was the NBA Finals and the Stanley Cup Finals. And people go, there's not more than one final.

Well, tell that to the fucking NBA. All right, I don't give a fuck. You fucking dramatic cunt. I've watched all of them. I've watched every Stanley Cup final or finals, whatever the fuck you want to call it, since the fucking Islanders fourth championship. All right, so you're going back to 1983. I've watched 33 of them.

So go fuck yourself about whether there's an S there or not. I don't care. And I also was calling it the Stanley Cup Finals. My whole fucking life and nobody ever gave me shit. Once again, maybe that's because now I just feel stupid and I'm lashing out at you. Maybe you would just say, hey, Bill, I'm not trying to be a dick, but hey, it's the Stanley Cup Final. That's how the NHL, the league that you watch decides to call it, whatever. So I watched that shit, the Stanley Cup Final until four AM.

Cat is. And so we fucking get up out of bed. And we go over to the fucking subway and not trying to figure it out. We went into like the way you had to buy the tickets. And it was really confusing, super confusing. There was all, you know, which, how far into out of Paris do you want to go? There was like three different level of tickets to buy. It was a complete fucking pain in the ass.

So we asked the lady in behind the booth and she was a total cunt. She was on the phone, hated her fucking job. It was just an asshole. This is nothing against French people or Parisians because everybody's been an absolute sweetheart to us over here. I'm very patient as I try to speak French, you know? And so we just said, fuck it, we got out and we got a cab. And we cruised over and we get over there, right? And we just breeze through.

There's like no fucking line, you know? I walk into the gift shop. There's nobody in there. I'm looking around. I'm like, wow, this is some really ugly merchandise. And then I realized it's the last day of the tournament. All the good shit is gone, which struck me as funny, but I still got a mug, a hat and a shirt and the beach towel. It was a big, there was a big bucket list thing for me.

I always wanted to go to this fucking thing. So in Nia, this is the funniest thing ever. She was so fucking, she was over it before we even got there. She doesn't give a fuck. She just did not give a shit on any level. And I was asking her about something. I forget what she said. I just could tell the way she said it.

I was like, oh, hey, check it out. You know, I didn't think they had my size, but I went over the other side. I found this shirt. They actually had my size. And she just goes, oh, yeah? I just started, I just burst it out laughing, which made her laugh. And I was like, I, I just said to her, I said, look, I know you don't want to be here. I know like how you're feeling right now is how I feel when I sit down, when you go to try something on at a fucking department store,

except this is going to take three fucking hours. So I apologize. You know, let me go find you some booze, right? So I got her some champagne and shit, and she's just trashing me and trashing like the people that are there and all the fucking thing, you know, and just making me laugh my ass off as she's trying to be a sweetheart. Go, no, no, no, I know this is a big thing for you. I know you're, you want to enjoy yourself here. And then, and I was just laughing.

Look at you. You want to just jump out of your own skin. You so don't want to fucking be here right now. So, and all I'm doing is looking around going, why is this barely anybody here? And then I thought I figured it out going, oh, I know why, because there's only one match today. Whereas before I've gone to these tennis tournaments, and there's like, you know, there's the semi pro things going on on the satellite courts. There's like, you know, four or five different matches going on. Two different venues.

Some people just have tickets for the first half of the day, some for the whole day, some for the late one. So there's this whole overlap and crowd. And then I realized that that's not what it was. I realized that it was 11 a.m. and that the men's final did not start until 3 p.m. And that what was actually happening at 12 noon was the final for the women's doubles fucking class. And I realized at that point that not only was Nia going to be there for the three hours of that, she was going to be there for the three hours of the men's final. And just the look on her fucking face.

I feel real bad. I completely wore out yesterday. And so anyways, and I'm sitting there going like, I fucking hate doubles tennis. So now it's like, I don't know what I'm saying, because like we both could have still slept in because we were sitting there like zombies. Because I kind of kept her up because I was cheering on the game and everything. And so we get over there and it's like, well fucking, we might as well go in and watch the women's doubles final. And I went in there and this is the most fucked up thing. Dude, there was like fucking 70 people in the crowd for a tennis major final. And we went in there and I watched the fucking match.

And Nia at some point is like, all right, I'm going to go down and go get a whatever the fuck, a glass of wine or something. She goes, I need to walk around. I'm going to fall asleep because, you know, we've been sleeping to like one. So we just as we're still fucking jet lagged or whatever. Or whatever, because we've been going out till four in the morning. Who's kidding? So she had to walk around just so she wouldn't fall asleep. And I sat there and I watched the match and I totally fucking got into it. And there was one American playing Bethany. I hope I say it right, Maddox Sands.

And I was watching her during the warmups and I was like going, she's fucking good, man. And then on the other team, they had this really tall woman who played up near the net the whole time and she was a fucking beast. She was the shit. And right out of the gate, it just looked like the team with the American on it was going to lose. They just seemed overmatched and all that. And they lost the first set. And I'm thinking like, you know, selfishly, I'm thinking like, oh, well, you know, they lose the first set. This will be over quick.

You know what I mean? They dropped the second set and then we're on to the men's final, right? And they fucking came back. One the second set. And then the other girls, women, they fucking bear down. Hang on a second. I gotta blow my fucking nose. Hold on.

And magically, I'm back two seconds later. So the other women, they just fucking immediately, the third set, they just, they just fucking come out swinging. And it just looks like, all right, now they're going to take over. They had a little fucking brain fart in the second set. And dude, it was like a heavyweight fight. Then all of a sudden, the other girls started coming back. I really should have their fucking names, the championship names. It was Lucy, Sepharova, and Bethany Maddox Sands.

And they just fucking hung in there, hung in there. They fucking broke them. And then they put the fucking hammer down and they ended up winning. And it was a fucking awesome game. And I swear to God, there was 70 fucking people in the crowd. I took a picture of it. I'll try to fucking, I'm not going to be able to upload it till I get back here, because I didn't get a cell phone plan, because I always get a cell phone plan when I go overseas.

And they go, yeah, you have unlimited minutes and texting. You'll get a bill for like 70 bucks. And then I come home and it's always like fucking $400. You know, you're always, you're there for like 20 minutes. And it says, warning, you're out of your fucking minutes for the day. And then what are you going to do? You're not going to take calls or whatever. So I just have not been on my phone.

I just shut the fucking thing off. So anyways, so we watched that had a great time. And then we came out and we were walking around and I don't know. I was fighting this feeling because I always wanted to go to the French open and there was something when I was at the French open that was just fucking bugging me. And I couldn't figure out what it was. And I was like, am I jet lagged? Am I not enjoying this?

Because I know my wife isn't enjoying this and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever. So we end up going in to the men's final, right? And it was Novak Djokovic against this guy who I'd never heard of. Stanislas Warinka. So I'm sitting there and I see that, you know, what's his face isn't in it? Who's that fucking guy who wins it every year? Rafael Nadal, right? That fucking guy, I don't know.

He won nine of the last 10 of them. It's insane. He won in 2005, six, seven, eight, one, two, three, four in a row. No one can ever get the six, right? Roger Federer won it in 2009, fucking up his 10-year run. But I mean, that's one of the greatest accomplishments in modern-day sports. Who the fucks won nine out of 10 championships at the pro level? You got to go back to the Boston Celtics when they played in the 1960s in that YMCA League, right?

So anyways, and I'm just looking at this other guy, this Stanislas Warinka, he's like ranked eighth. And I lean over and my wife go, I go, Nia, man, this guy's got to get his fucking ass kicked, all right? Nadal's not in it. I don't know shit about tennis, right? I just watched the majors. And I'm just like, this guy's going to get his fucking ass kicked. Don't worry, this will be over. You know, he'll probably win in three sets, maybe four.

And so she's like, OK, all right. So I'm sitting there watching the fucking thing, all right? And Djokovic wins the first set. And then the second set comes. But like he only broke Warinka once. And then in the second set, this Warinka dude is just fucking, he's coming like a champ. He breaks Djokovic twice and he ends up winning. Like he lost the first set six.

Six four. And then he won the second set six four. And when the when the set was over, when Djokovic had lost the second set, he fucking, he slammed his racket down on the clay. And he bounced up and he caught it. And then he slammed it two more fucking times and it broke. And the whole crowd started booing, right? And that's when it hit me. It's like, that's what it is.

I don't like this fucking crowd. I don't like the crowd that goes to tennis matches. I don't like how they whistle when they get upset. They hiss. And if you show any sort of fucking emotion that's like anger, like in the first set, I think that Warinka guy, he fucking slammed his racket down twice on the net. They boo. You know, because it's supposed to be a gentleman's game.

Get the fuck out of here, you rich cunts. How did you guys get your money? Being a gentleman? You fucking bootleggers. Give me a break. Where you got a clothing line, you got crying children, sewing the shit together. And you fucking sitting here now trying to tell people how to act like a fucking gentleman. All right, this is me judging these fucking rich cunts, right?

So, and I realized in that moment, I was like, that's why I don't fucking like this shit. This is why I can never quite totally get into fucking tennis is because whenever I go to a live event, there's that element there. That fucking gray coupon pretending to be something that you're not. You know what I mean? Like every time your stock doesn't go down, you don't throw a chalice across the fucking, your manner is just screaming at your stock broker. Give me a fucking break.

And now you're mad at this guy in his little short shorts. I love when we'll rank a slam the racket down. I saw that he wasn't intimidated by it. I saw that he was fucking mad at himself and he wanted to fucking win. And I saw Djokovic after the first set when he won his first set, he turned around and looked at his coach and he pumped his fist. And I was thinking this guy's dialed in and now there's something about tennis. And now there's something about tennis when you fucking blow a set to have to start all over again.

You know, at ground zero and have to fight all of those fucking games again and block out the fact that dude, I could just be one set away. Instead, I'm tied and we've been playing for a fucking hour and a half and we're still tied. And this is annoying. There's all of those moments where you're starting to give the match away. It's like, do you have it in you to come back and then you're watching the other person going, does this person have it in him to finish this other guy off? And so anyways, Warinka ends up winning the third set.

So now he's up two to one. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck? And then Djokovic just digs in and fucking comes out and wins the first three games of the fourth set. And I'm like, yeah, this guy's got the championship gene. This is going to go five and then this Warinka guy is going to have to think like, wow, man, I had this guy in the ropes and I let him off and he's going to have it in him to fucking come back. So these guys are showing emotion and every time they show anger, these fucking rich blue blood cunts are booing them. It's like you're watching two fucking warriors down here and you're booing some of the best part of the game.

They're getting mad because they want to win your cunts. This is phenomenal tennis. So anyways, fucking Stanislas just fucking all of a sudden, okay, he's serving. So then he wins. It's 3-1. And then he breaks Djokovic 3-2 and then he wins his next servicing. It's fucking 3-3. And I'm sitting there looking at Nia going like, this might be over in fourth.

This guy can fucking hang on and finish him off. And then also you can finally go home and sleep. And that's when it ended up happening. Warinka ended up coming back and it was a crazy thing because, you know, I don't watch a lot of tennis. And so at first I was for Djokovic because I knew that he had never won and he was going to get the career grand slam, which is basically winning on all three surfaces, hard court, grass and clay. And then this Warinka guy, I didn't think he'd ever won a major, which I still don't think he did. I don't know shit about tennis, obviously.

And so I was kind of rooting for him. Plus there was a ton of Djokovic fans. So immediately it's like, oh man, that's, you know, fuck these rich cunts. I want to see the Swiss guy win just to watch all these people have to put their flags down. Well, that was another thing too. When people would yell out, you know, all these, what is Djokovic? All these Serbian or something. And when they would yell out all their Serbian shit, like every once in a while,

some English speaking person would go, shut up. I'm not supposed to cheer. That's another thing about certainly these fucking hoity-toity sports, like golf and everything. Hivary has to shut the fuck up. It has to be perfectly quiet. If anybody like fucking shuffles in their seat or takes a picture, if somebody's going to putt or fucking go to, you know, he hit the tennis ball,

like the athlete glares at him. It's like, are you fucking kidding me? You hear what people, do you see what people are doing when somebody's taking a foul shot or fucking trying to kick a field goal? These goddamn golfers and tennis players, they start fucking crying. I don't know. I'm not 100% sold on it, but I will say it was one of the great events that I've ever been to. And I would definitely go to it again.

I wouldn't drag my wife to it. I've now been to three of the majors. The only one left I have to go to was Wimbledon. So next time I go to England or something, I'll try to set it up around that. And I'll go to that, and I won't drag her to it. I'm like, no, I want to go. I like it. I like to dress up.

It's like you don't like it. So anyways, that was the experience. And another thing, too, what I got there is you just can't believe how fucking small it is. It's like this major. It's this big time championship. And it's this little intimate thing. I swear to God, just go on StubHub and get tickets. Sit at the top of the stadium.

It'll still be way better than any seats you'll ever get at an NBA final or Stanley Cup final or anything for the money. And you're not even going to be that far away. And everybody has to be so fucking quiet. You can actually hear grunting and groaning like you're sitting courtside. And then the tennis court is just super fucking small. It really is one of the great, you know, if you're going to go to a championship, things as far as like a sporting event that you can go to was phenomenal. And I absolutely, you know, I've never seen tennis played on clay before. So that was totally cool.

And then I also remember that fucking hilarious chapter in John McEnroe's book where he'd won Wimbledon. He won the U.S. Open. He won the Australian Open and he needed the career grand slam to win the French Open. And one year he actually had it won and he ended up fucking up and he blew it. And every time he goes there to commentate, he thinks about it. And I told you that great thing that he said that when he was fucking up one year when he was fucking it up, he screamed at the top of his lungs. I hate this country, which to me is one of the fucking great things ever yelled out during a game. And of course, you know, he got booed, which probably made him play better in the next game, which is why I love John McEnroe.

So anyways, so that was my big sporting event thing that I did on this trip. And now that it's fucking over, looking back, I think I'm just going to have, I don't know, maybe more fun the next time I go to one. And actually, like I still totally enjoyed it, but I really got fucking annoyed by them booing him when they showed any sort of emotion that wasn't gentlemanly behavior. I don't know. That just fucking bugged. Maybe I'm an idiot. I don't know. Anyways, let's get Jesus Christ to just ramble for 31 fucking minutes. Let's get through some, let's get through some advertising here. You know, it's just funny, every year around Father's Day, they always have, you know, the man great comes around. All right. Here we go. Man great everybody.

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You're making payments on it. Why not make it fucking work for you? There you go. I totally understand it. All right. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. All right. People, I'm fed up.

Who still has, evidently, I'm fed up. Who still hasn't joined Dollar Shave Club? They're awesome. No, I'm serious. Their razors are amazing and it's more convenient and cost a fraction of the price. What's the issue? Still don't get it? Here's how the club works.

Go to dollarshaveclub.com and pick up one of their three great razors. The two-blade humble twin. The four-blade forex and this, if you're a fucking werewolf, the six-blade executive. I guess that's what I use. No, I don't. You get your first box in about a week. It includes a free handle and a sleeve of blade cartridges. It's high quality stuff.

Got that weight to it, like the expensive ones I've used before. Oh, God, this is making my teeth hurt. My exec had six stainless. I don't have a fucking exec. I understand you sell it and I will help you fucking sell it. And I understand it's great. Stop saying I have it when I don't. All right, the execs has six stainless steel blades and 90-degree pivot head and an allo strip.

All right, you'll never get a shave like this. After that, they're trying to say, I never got a shave like that. I personally, I think two blades is all you need. One sucks, two is the perfect one. Anytime you get three or more, even with my cute little butt nose, I got to start adjusting my nose because it can't get fucking under there. All right, you made me say that Dollar Shave Club. They put fucking words in my mouth.

All right, after that, they mail you four replacement blades every month or every other. And you'll never have to worry about it again. That's it. If you haven't joined, you're missing out. Simple as that. Try dollarshaveclub.com slash borough. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash borough. Father's Day is around the corner.

And dollarshaveclub makes a great, great gift. There you go. I don't understand why they got to make me say I'm doing all this shit. It's a fucking great product. They totally rip you off at the drugstore. These fucking people got the same quality razors. You sign up for the shit and they bring them to you. And there you go.

You get that 20 minutes of your life back every fucking week or every month, whatever the hell you did. Why can't you just write a copy like that? Why do you got to sit there and say, I have that shit? I don't have that shit. Oh God, I'm in a cunty mood, huh? All right. All right.

Oh, I saw this fucking story. It's really annoyed the shit out of me. Surprise, surprise. It said, this is this cute little fucking story. And God knows the internet either likes a, we should burn this person at the stake story or this little cute ass story. Like, you know, I thought my life is over

and then this kitten showed up. And what happened next will bring you tears of joy. I refuse to, this kitten showed up. I fucking refuse to read any of those. And I have never told any of you guys, you know, I just need you to just, can you do me a favor? Please stop clicking on those.

You know what I mean? I was sitting on a park bench and a wizard walked up to me and what he had to say next will change your life. And then you get on there and it's like a quarter of the story and then you gotta fucking figure out how to click.

It's just, it's, what is it? Clickbait. That's what they call it, all right? And I'll tell you, I fucking was able to figure it out after falling for it about 162 times. I realized that all the stories sounded fake. None of the shit was really inspiring. I never cried. I never laughed. I just got fucking annoyed

and I had a bunch of pop-up ads. So I just, I don't know. You don't have to do it. Go ahead, continue to click on it. Who the fuck am I to tell you what to do? But I always laugh when I read those. And you wouldn't believe what happens next. You won't believe what happens next

as I scroll onto the next fucking story, you douche. By the way, I love Facebook. I absolutely love it. I don't give a fuck if it makes me sound like an old man. I like how they had all these interesting stories picked out for me by some other douche on Facebook rather than having to try to find them myself. So anyway, so I'm scrolling through the Facebook

as us older people say. And there was just supposed to be this cute, heartwarming fucking story. It was about how people were delayed for six hours in the airport. But through some unbelievable miracle, the cast of The Lion King and Aladdin was there at the airport, right?

And they're acting like this is some fucking amazing thing. It's like, no, this is the cast of the traveling fucking show. This is what these people do. Because after it's a hit on Broadway, the people then want to make money and take it around the country for people who don't have time, the money, or whatever to fucking go to New York.

The whole country can't go to New York and squeeze into that theater, so they have a couple of traveling shows. So lo and behold, imagine this. You're at the fucking airport. Your flight is delayed six hours. And then for some reason, the fact that the cast of The Lion King

and Aladdin is there, like this was supposed to be heartwarming, that it made it like a better thing. This is what happened. They started singing the fucking songs to Aladdin or The Lion King. Just imagine you're sitting there, stuck in a fucking airport,

and then all of a sudden some douche starts doing this. Oh, my God. Will you shut the... Would you guys shut the fuck up? Hey! I'm stuck in an airport. Shut the fuck up. You're making it worse.

Right? Isn't that what you would say? The last fucking thing I would need is I'm sitting there hating my fucking life. It's somebody going... Do you ever think that most people fucking hate Broadway shows? All right.

I don't know. There's very few people that actually enjoy Broadway shows. Okay, it's children. It's the gay community. Oh, my God. I can't say the next group, because then I'll just get... I'm just picturing.

You know, and then... I don't know. I don't know. It's fucking people who are old people. You know what I mean? Who went to Funny Girl in Oklahoma, and they actually, you know, when movies back in the day,

they'd be you be watching a movie, and all of a sudden in the middle, you have the dialogue, they would just break out into a song, and they would start dancing. It's like leftover vaudevillian horseshit. And, you know, this is like a kid's movie that you turned into a fucking musical.

So it sucks on two levels. Now, you've married two fucking things. All right, very rarely is a kid's movie like a toy story is great. All right? But I gotta be honest with you, the whole fucking, you know, like pretty much the rest of them,

like Bugs Bunny is funny. You know what I mean? Pinky and the Brain is funny. SpongeBob SquarePants is funny. Sesame Street is funny, because they throw in jokes for adults, but a lot of them. You know what I mean?

The Care Bears, the fucking Monchichi, or whatever the other ones are, and that's like Monchichi. Remember that? Monchichi, Monchichi. Oh, so soft and cuddly. Monchichi, Monchichi. It's a creepy monkey, right?

They would turn that into a fucking musical. And then your girlfriend, or your gay uncle, or your fucking, you know, the person who's in the sugar salt fucking problem, right? Some fatty will take you to the goddamn thing, and you gotta sit there. All right?

But at least you're prepared for it when you go to a Broadway show. The last fucking thing you need, I mean, is, oh my God. And the only thing worse than those fucking people singing that whore shit would be the people standing around enjoying it, the looks on their faces.

Oh my God, can you believe it? They're singing like angels, right? They're not. It's fucking horrible. The whole fucking thing is horrible, and it was probably written by some white dude, and somewhere in Africa, it's probably really offensive.

Fucking talking lions and all that shit and turning their place into this magical mystery tour, right? The same way when Aladdin came out, people from the Middle East hated that whore shit as we ate it up. Oh my God, Robin Williams' rest his soul was fucking hilarious as the Aladdin, right? As they're flying on carpets coming out of tea kettles.

They didn't like that shit either. They didn't like 300. They didn't like any of that fucking whore shit. Now you got these cunts singing at the airport. Oh my God. They should have made them go walk into that little fish tank where they make smokers go to. Go fucking sing in there, all right?

Jesus Christ, I'm in a fucking roof. Would you know I'm on vacation right now, and I am gay, patty? I hate that shit. I got to be honest with you. I'm a bit of a grinch. I have major issues with heartwarming stories. They never make me emotional.

They make me fucking angry. Like that singing there made me fucking angry. But I'll tell you things that make me actually get like emotional where I almost start tearing up is when I watch kids fighting on YouTube, and I'll see the kid that should have lost all of a sudden flip out and beat the kid that should have beat him. That actually will make me emotional.

Now I don't know what that says about me, but you know, I don't know. Whatever. Maybe that's just not for me. Oh my God. I've been into so many fucking airports, and there's so much shit to annoy you. The last thing you need.

And out of all the fucking songs to break into, you break into that fucking whatever the fuck that is, like that helium balloon. What is it? What is that shit people you suck on? Like helium. I mean, that's like, that was what was just happening there was like 40 Yoko Onos all at the same time in harmony,

singing some harrit, like that. Now, now, now, now, now, now. That's some shit that Yoko would have screamed out while the Beatles were playing, thinking that she was adding to the music. All right. I might get some complaints over that one, you know. People like, you know, I always feel like there's something

sad about people who go to Broadway shows. That's not even true. Because what's his face? The South Park guys did like the greatest one ever that I would have gone to, but you know, they were sold out for like nine years. And at that point, I just go, I don't want to do this. You know what I mean?

Are you guys like me? Like, I just, like, if there's a line, I just, I just say, well, yeah, evidently, I'm not going to have that experience. That's how I just, I don't feel like there's ever a reason to stand in a fucking line unless you're in a, you know, in a, you know, a labor camp. Okay.

And they're handing out slop. Right. I was kidding. I'll stand in line to go see a fucking, a good show. Like a rock star or something like that. But like if, if there's like a fucking, you see how he just subtly covered myself there. If I fucking, I got to clarify this.

Like if they go, oh my God, this place has the best fucking burgers. And I show up and there's a line around the block. I just go, well, I guess I'm never going to have one. But fuck, what are we, what are we in Russia? I'm gonna stand in a fucking bread line here. I'm not doing that. Okay. Why don't you fucking assholes get a bigger space

and add some more fucking tables? Right. Is that wrong? Did this whole thing just go off the fucking rails? I don't even know. All right. Let's get to some questions here for the week. Did I get through everything?

All I know is I'm really excited to get home and I'm home for like four days and I go back out on tour and tour and I am so Jonesen to do fucking stand up. I got this fucking, this Bruce Jenner idea that I want to do that has nothing. Actually, I'm not making fun of what he did. What he did actually made me feel considering his accomplishments made me feel like less of a man.

So that's going to be my angle on the whole thing. All right. Here we go. Raging bull. Dear Billy, the raging bull. I don't know what that means. Bullshit or maybe I was once a financial banker. Yes, one of those rotten scoundrels that wore a monkey suit

and worked like a tool alongside other corporate douchebags. It took me a few years to actually see how shitty this industry really was filled with douchey cunts that would do anything to get ahead. I fucking hated it. One day a work colleague asked me to help him train for one of those white collar charity boxing events. It's basically an event where a regular corporate dude laces up a pair of gloves. Oh, corporate dudes, I've seen that.

They fight each other and they have to go out in a boxing ring. All to raise money for some cutthroat charity. I know, right? Oh, by the way, somebody gave me shit for reading that thing about the Red Cross, going, there's a great organization and you totally classified them as being pieces of shit just because of one bad story. And it's like, no, I didn't. I actually said that I don't know if part of this is because what's going on down in Haiti,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And as I did that, I remembered like, wait a minute, didn't they get shit for what they did during 9-11? So I actually wrote the guy back. I was like, no, no, I didn't. I didn't trash him. But by the way, here's another article with your precious Red Cross. Anyways, he said, I've been competing since I was in college

and it was more of a hobby than anything else. So I agreed to help my coworker with some of his training. After arriving at my coworker's boxing gym and watching some of the other corporate monkeys hit the heavy bag and spar, I really wanted to enter myself into this event. Ah, dude, you're a fucking ringer. He said these corporate noodles couldn't punch themselves out of a wet paper bag and I thought how satisfying it would be to beat the living shit out of one of these aspiring douchey banker cunts.

Ah, dude, come on, man, you can't do that. Although it would be kind of funny. Yeah, body shot's funny. You can't hit him in the head. Anyways, he said, I went over the idea with my boxing coach. He really didn't approve of the notion of a trained fighter ripping up some regular Joe Schmoe, exactly. He goes, so unfortunately, I didn't enter the event.

To this day, I still regret not having the chance to trash one of those corporate douches in the ring. It would have felt so sweet. My question to you is, if you had some sort of formal training in combat sport and there was a chance for you to enter a celebrity boxing event, would you love to fight? Who would you love to fight? It could be another comedian, celebrity, sports figure, anyone who would be across the ring from you to pummel. Long-term update, I have since left that soul-sucking corporate gig to pursue a year of world travel. Yeah, with your blood money and competition in boxing.

Just fucking with it. God bless you. Have a good time. Seeing you live in Toronto, Pittsburgh, in Brisbane, Australia. Keep kicking ass, Bill. All right. All right. If I was formally trained in combat like this, no way I would fight someone else unless they were formally trained

or if they were trying to hurt me. Come on, you can't fucking do that. But see how I'm not formally trained? Who would I want to fight? And I get to win the toughest fucking guy out there. So I look like a stud. There's really nobody I want to beat the shit out of. Is there?

I fight the cast of Aladdin. No, I wouldn't do that. That's just a lose-lose. Either you beat up a bunch of fucking Broadway singers or worse, you lose to them. I'll tell you, let me tell you who I wouldn't fight. I wouldn't fight Joe Rogan. There's a long list of people that I wouldn't fight. Mark Wahlberg, I wouldn't fight him.

You know, I love to, is all the people listening right now going, dude, I fucking kicked that guy's ass, would you? Would you? I don't think you would. Who else? Ving Reims. I wouldn't fight Ving Reims. You know what it is?

It's the people that either are in shape or they just have a certain fucking vibe about them. We're just like, yeah, I would fuck with that guy. There's a lot of people I wouldn't fight. Dude, I'm 47 next week. Most of Hollywood I wouldn't fight. Most of Hollywood I would fucking lose to. I throw a fucking little girly jab and I would hang on and the crowd would boo. Like, you know, when you get ripped off at a pay-per-view,

like, that's what my fight would look like. I was kidding. I'd get hit a couple of times and then I would start spazzing out and I'd fucking just start doing the windmill punches before the person just sat in the pocket and caught me with a good fucking, I don't know, left hook and just dropped me and sit right on the seat of my pants and make weird noises. All right, girlfriend of whore. Hey, Nia.

She's probably still sleeping. All right, I'd like to have her for these fucking things. All right, girlfriend of whore and my walk of shame. Hey, Bill, I'm 22 years old and I've been dating a lady for a few months now. Things have been going great. We click really well and she's beautiful. This is funny. All of these start this way.

Everything, she's beautiful. It says, in elegant girl. I think you meant to say, that's all one word. I-N-E-L-E-G-A-N-T, in elegant. An elegant girl, I don't know, with a great job. Things were going great until recently. She still lives at home and one night she asked me to come over for a late night booty call. Oh, Jesus.

What's wrong with that, dude? This girl's a champ so far. Of course, I show up to her parents' house and get into bed with her. Oh, she lived at home with her parents. Okay, that's kind of weird. As I laid down, I sat on a vibrating sex toy. She was embarrassed and played it off like, oh, I just found this recently when I was cleaning through my stuff. I acted like I didn't care, but in my head, I was screaming, what the fuck?

Dude, why are you acting like you didn't fucking rub one out like the day before? Yeah, but I used my hand. I went all natural. What are you looking at her like? She's a fuck. She's using PEDs here. Anyways, we go at it and I spend the night at her place. I love how you were like, what the fuck, but you still banged a classic guy move.

Dude, this chick's a fucking psycho. Wanna fuck? Okay. In the morning, it turns out she wasn't home alone. Her dad was home and when I do the walk of shame and I do the walk of shame out of the house, oh my God, the dad saw you. Oh, MG. On top of this, wait, on top of it, this was the first time meeting her dad. We didn't say a word to each other and he just gave me this death glare that screamed, this motherfucker just banged my daughter in my house.

Oh my God. Her dad flipped a shit on her and wants her to move out. She asked me if it was cool if she lives with the two guys from work. I tell her I don't care, but again, I'm thinking what in the actual fuck is going on here. Basically, how do you think I should play this out? Should I cut my losses and get out or try to stick it out? I feel like those are some serious red flags, but I really like this girl. And until this point, things were perfect.

Maybe the lovely Nia could help. Yeah, she needs to help. I would say this. Yeah, she could have been a little, she could have handled that situation a little better with her dad. Christ, you know what? I don't think Nia's up so. What do I do? Do I disappoint you guys or do I let my wife sleep on the vacation?

Let's go wake up my wife. Hang on. Bonjour, Madame. Nia. Can you help me out with a question here? Are you still sleeping? All right, I'll give it to you real quick. All right.

Here's the deal. This kid's 22. He's with this girl. She's fucking perfect. Everything's wonderful. All right. So she calls him up one night for a booty call. He goes over there.

She's still living at home. And he's like, all right, her parents aren't harmed. So he goes up there. He goes like, I get into the bed and immediately sit on one of your vibrating sex toys. And he's, she tries to play it off like, oh, that's just something I found when I was going through my stuff. And he said he was, he played it off. I was like, what the fuck? He thought it was weird.

He's 22. So she fucking, they bang. He wakes up the next morning and it turns out her fucking dad is home. So he's got to do the walk of shame right past her dad. And the guy is just glaring at him like, if you just fuck my daughter in my own house, get the fuck out of here. So he gets the fuck out of there, right? And then like the next day at work or something, she goes, yeah, my dad's pissed at me. He wants me to move out.

Do you mind if I move in with two guys from work? And he's like, part of them, you know, likes the girl. And the other part is like, you know, there are too many red flags here. What's the red flag about it? What's the red flag about it? Uh, that, I don't know. Is this his girlfriend? She got turned towards the mic.

Oh, yeah. Oh, you're here. Yeah. Shit. Okay. Yeah, sorry. I had the fucking recorder here. What's red flag about it?

Well, first of all, it's like, It's his girlfriend. She used to booty call earlier. Right. So if you're talking about booty call, it's a beginning of a relationship here. And he's like, do I pursue this? I want to ask her why she felt it was necessary to ask him permission about where she wants to live. Right.

But obviously that's not the situation here. Well, she's moving in with two guys that they work with. And? I mean, and that's a little fucking, well, what if, okay, let's flip the tables. You and I just started looking up, is it okay if I move in with these two chicks that we both work with? Oh, they all work together? Yeah. Well, what would you rather?

Well, what am I? Fucking jack tripper. You're not going to have a problem with that. Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. I think kids these days, they live together, males and females, and it's not like a big deal. So now if I were her, if I were like her mom, I think it'd be a different story. But no, I don't understand. Well, because I'd, you know, because I would just be like a mom about it, you know, but

as a guy who was just hanging out with her. Yeah, but you just, she just fucking banged you when her dad was home and then made you, and then just fucking doesn't even have the decency to be like, Hey, my dad's home. You might want to go out the fucking window and you walk by the dad. Like he's like that. He's done. Like what's he going to do? Have a relationship come over for fucking Thanksgiving?

Like his first fucking meeting is yet. Yeah. I fucking just railed your daughter right up above you. Well, if he was, if he was mature at all, he would have been like, Oh, good morning. You know, my name is so-and-so. And I just fucked your daughter. Well, obviously you don't say that. But what the fuck were we reading all night?

No, you say hi, you know, I'm friends with such-and-such and how are you? You know, you do the respecting. No, the respecting was to not say a fucking word, to sit there and come down and be like, Hello, how are you? And try to play it off like you didn't fuck is insulting that man's intelligence. Well, anyway, getting back to the- No, no, no, no, no, let's stay with that point there. Okay.

There's no way out of that situation other than what he did. The most respectful thing that he could have done was not say anything because he's at least as a man addressing the fact that he understands that what the fuck he did, even on purpose, was ridiculously going to fuck with this guy's head. I disagree. I think what he should have done is been respectful and said, like, he saw him? Like, he walked by his dad? Yeah, he walked by in the guy-in the guy's staring fucking daggers at.

Nia, they're fucking 22 years old. Okay. I'm just-I'm just saying. I would have been better if he had introduced himself because that's- Can you please do that to me? I'll play the dad. That's a respectful thing to do. I'll play the dad.

You don't just walk through somebody like a grown person's house and not say anything. That's something my parents would have felt like. You don't just walk in my house and you know what I mean? I'm almost seeing what you're saying here, but it has to-it can't be more than two words. Like, I would have just looked at him. Good morning. I would have been-I'm sorry. But you're talking-we're talking about the red flag situation, right?

The red flag is that he's-he's-this girl is sexual. And so that to him is a red flag. And you know what, baby doll? You need to fucking get over it. You know something, Nia? I understand where you're going with this, where it's just like if a guy's- Yes, you're based just like you do, alright? Maybe she wasn't smart about putting away her vibrators.

Maybe she was thinking that you might be kind of like, oh, what is this? But you know, you're 22. You probably don't know how to use it or don't quite understand what it's about. He's 22. He doesn't need it. His dick is standing at attention when he fucking wakes up in the morning. Not for him. I don't mean for him.

I meant for like, they could-he could use it on her like- That's what I meant. What the fuck do you think I meant? You said he doesn't need it, as if I was saying that she would use it on him. No, no, I'm saying that he doesn't need it to pleasure her. Jesus Christ, let me confirm what I was saying. Okay, but there's other-there's other ways- You got that 22?

I know, Bill. I'm saying that there's other fucking- You can have like a nice, strong dick that goes all night, but you can also use a vibrator as well. Like, you know this. Don't make me explain this to you. You know what I'm talking about. I do?

Okay. All right. Thank you for giving me credit. Yeah! Um, listen, I don't have a- Listen, I agree with- It's a sex toy. It's a-you know, it's something-whatever.

All right, he's not ready for it. It's fine. The point is that he-it's fine. Maybe one day he will be. Um, but the fact is he just was like, oh my god, this is a sexual girl, and she doesn't really give a fuck who knows it, right? Whether it's me who came over for a booty call,

because I'm like, whoa, what this vibrator doing here? Or, you know, her dad. So, she's- You took it out. No, I'm just trying to think how you mistook that. Like, when I said his dick stands up when he wakes up, like, he needs to use her vibrator to make his dick go up. Like, I didn't even make any sense to me.

I-I didn't think it made sense either, but it was obviously miscommunication. Yeah! I was looking at it like it was like the stunt dick. Like, that's what, like, when-you know those old guys in the steak houses who have, like, the fucking chicks half their age, like, they show up with like a bag of, like, fucking Viagra and a- Like, a vibrator, because, you know, to keep her interested

as they're waiting for the blue pill to kick in, that's how I was looking at it. Jesus Christ, let's fucking clarify this shit. So, anyways, my-my thing, Estonia, is, like, just the situation that she put herself in, and put him in, where he then has to walk by the dad. I mean, the whole fucking thing is just taken on water right now. No, no, it's-it's very messy.

It's-it's a very messy situation, for sure. So there might be a lack of maturity on her side, though, which he's ready to, like- I mean, if they're-yeah, they're both 22, I think, that goes without saying. But yes, okay. You just won't give this girl any sort of criticism here, and yet, listen. I said-I just said they're both 22.

He said they're both 22. They're both-we've already-she's already shit all over this guy. I'm just saying, like- How am I shitting all over the guy? I'm just saying he's not- Okay, I'm not-it's too early to get involved in this fucking argument. Let's-let's just-let's just plow ahead. Let's just plow ahead here.

What is the point that you-you're trying to get me to address here? Is that-is maybe she's not ready to be in the fuck- She just got kicked out of her house for fucking another guy in the house. Yeah. Okay, that's-you know, that's not a very stable situation to get involved in. First of all, you're 22 years old, so you're still picking in the first round. It's not like the guy's 42 when he's single and he's got to take what's out there. There's a whole bunch of fucking-you know, this-this is-this is like-

You hit the NBA draft lottery. You get, like, the first fucking pick in the draft here. You're going to go with the fucking-a woman who just got kicked out of her house for fucking you while her dad was still home and you walked by her dad? Vibrator shit and anything. Yeah, who gives a fuck about all of that? The fuck-that part there. I'm saying does he really need to hitch his wagon to that?

So you're-he's asking if he should, like- Pursue a relationship. Pursue a relationship. Because everything else-everything else other than her fucking two doors down from the dad and then having him walk by the dad. I mean, there are some things in the event right in the beginning despite of how nice you are and everything. There are some things that make you kind of go like, hey, you know what?

You know, relationships are hard even when you're with the right person. You know, Jesus. Yeah, no, I mean, I-I would say young man that is- You just trash it. You're condescending to the guy right there. I'm not condescending. I'm just-I was trying to be funny. Excuse me.

Jesus fucking Christ. I know you're the professional comedian in the relationship. Oh, relax. Why am I here then, you know? No, you were trashing the guy so bad. I thought that that was another part of the trashing. We're just not-we're not-we're not-and-and-sinked there this morning there, kiddo. I would say that, uh, yeah, you-you-you-it doesn't sound like she's the girl for you.

How about that? There we go. How's that? That wasn't so bad. Hey, I did that whole thing. I'm gonna leave out why I don't think so. Yeah, I know why. Because he's-because-because he's not mature enough to handle a fucking blah, blah, blah.

And she's not mature enough either, obviously. They're both immature. Don't- All right. You know, I like about me walking away as your-your voice is fading away in the background. I gotta go downstairs. Where the fucking, uh, the- Is it?

Yeah. Where the-where the-where the fucking, uh, questions are. No. That's it. All right. All right. In your little attic loft here. Don't set up too quickly.

You'll hit your head on the beam again. I know. Oh, Jesus. Au revoir, Madame. Uh-uh. We got a little tree for an apartment here. Um, all right. Here we go.

That was a fucking waste of goddamn-I thought-I thought she was finally gonna agree with me. It's just one of these times I wanted to fucking agree with me. She just won't do it. She just will not do it. All right. Ah, fuck. This thing's gonna take forever to load. This fucking slow ass internet here.

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Apply for a patent to secure your invention. These are all fragments and they keep having like apply for a patent to secure your invention. Is that a fragment? Register your trademark to protect your products and services. Don't you need a subject? You should. I don't fucking know. Maybe I'm wrong.

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Jesus. All right, hey there, gingerhead man. Oh, I get it. A little play on words there. Oh, Jesus. Uh, I'm a 20-year-old guy who desperately needs advice from, from their favorite comedian, from his favorite comedian. So I'll get to the point.

My sister is a cunt. Jesus Christ, this guy's not pulling any punches here. To give you a small sample of her, I'll elaborate a bit. All right, so you get a small sample, you got to elaborate? This guy's just fucking, he's, he's, he's yinging and yagging. He's zinging and zagging. Uh, she's a narcissist. Yinging and yagging was bad.

She's a narcissist to her very core and straight up stupid. She sounds like she's hot. Uh, she's abusive to my dad. Oh, she's definitely good looking, even though he has cut his room in half to accommodate her moving into a small apartment. She hurls insults at him and when she doesn't get away and talks shit under her breath, so we can't hear it, but I can and it's fucking infuriating. My dad is a really, is really, is a good man who has worked as a teacher for nearly 30 years,

and I respect the hell out of him. It kills me to see her treat him like yesterday's dog shit. Also, she's a massive whore. Jesus, buddy. This is your sister. Since I almost know, I've been a dog since I was a kid, I've been a dog since I was This is your sister since I almost know. I, I almost know that she sucks dick for weed.

All right, dude, this is getting sad here. Truly, she is one of the most ugly and insensitive people that could ever exist. In addition to that, she loves to talk about how good she looks. She's lost a lot of weight and while I was supportive at first, she rapidly became, began to make fun of me and made me feel bad about my body to prop herself up. Dude, this is like a reality show. This is sad on so many different levels. Fun fact, she starved herself, became a bulimic, took weight loss pills and never worked out.

So what the fuck gives that bitch the right to say anything to anyone about how they look? All right, dude, you got a lot of anger towards your sister. You've established this. Now I need your help with your unique attitude of take no shit. Dude, I take plenty of shit. How do you handle it? It's easy to not take any shit with a fucking individual on a podcast, not talking to anybody. How do you handle someone like that?

I'm sure you've met hundreds like her. What can you say? What can you do to reign in this psycho bitch? She abuses my dad. She treats my little brother and I like total shit and she doesn't do anything to keep the place clean. So that usually falls on my dad and I. All she does is use people and when they aren't useful anymore,

she discards them like trash. She's truly someone I've grown to despise and resent. I try and keep her out of my mind as much as possible to keep my own sanity. I would have disowned her, but since she lives with me, it makes it difficult. I feel bad for my dad because he has to watch my sister and I argue. I always have my dad's back and yell at her when she says some of her usual crap that doesn't really do it anymore, but that doesn't really do it anymore. I'm not someone who has problems with a lot of people.

Most of the people I've met who know her have told me similar horror stories. If you can't think of anything to suggest, I'd gladly accept it if you just bash her on the podcast. It won't solve anything, but it will give me something to smile about when I see that dumb bitch come hopping into the living room acting like her shit doesn't stink. Thanks for hearing me out, Bill. All the best to you, Nia and Cleo.

All right. Well, you are living in some cramped quarters, so that's definitely going to make you guys not like each other. It doesn't seem like your dad calls her out on her behavior, so I would start working on my own life, which is I would make enough money to move out. She's truly as horrible as you're saying. I would try to just see her on Thanksgiving and Christmas. That stuff about her being bulimic and starving yourself and taking weight loss pills

is definitely probably should be addressed at some point under statement. Oh, look who's back. Look who's back, old cutie pie. I'm glad you didn't see all this. This guy just said a bunch of horrible stuff about his sister. I thought that she's a whore. Well, and she also seems like a complete sociopath that she just kind of uses people and when she can't.

She's got a lot of shit going on, it sounds like. But this is also just. Sounds like a mess, but it's also. If she hasn't eaten dessert, that's a whole, that's a mental illness. Maybe she's just dizzy. No, sorry, my fucking. No, someone eating the sort of that's. That's hardcore.

Because like if you, if it's like really. I knew a girl was bulimic, but she was a really nice person. She wasn't walking around treating people like shit. So I think if this girl had everybody, not everyone's going to like go about it the same. That's what I'm saying. So maybe if she has like a full belly, she'd still be a cunt. That is very true.

Or she, yeah, or she's like a fucking just a mess. This is kind of like when people have addicts or whatever as siblings. And they feel like everyone is sort of like tiptoeing around them. And they're like, this person is a fucking jerk and an asshole. Why are we, you know, and I'm doing all the right things? Like, I don't understand why they're being tiptoed around. And that's, it's not fair. Yeah, I think all three of them, her, her little brother and her dad.

Should, uh, say like, listen, if you don't stop acting the way you're acting, you've got to move out. That's basically it. And then when she, you know, stomps around like some fucking, you know, Clydesdale. I wonder if they ever had any like good times together, other than when they were like six or something. Like, have they ever like gone out to eat and, and I have no idea what's going on with you?

Like, why are you so angry all the time? Or is like, her behavior is so bad that you don't even want to be in the same room with her. But I heard what you said that he should move out. That's basically the best solution, I think it's just, I think she's watching too many of those fucking shows where, you know, she thinks she's got to have some fucking certain kind of shoes and that type of shit, or dad's a teacher, they're living in this small ass apartment. And, uh, I think she wants to find her things in life and she's going to get it.

However she needs to get it. So right now she's like, all right, I want to get all skinny. I'm going to fucking bang my way to some weed in a nice car. And I think you got a full on sociopath on your hands. That's what I think. And, uh, I think you guys need to gang up against her, tell her to fucking get her shit together that she has to move out. And if your dad is, can't get past the fact that that's the apple of her eye

and he doesn't want to do anything, then you got to choose yourself and I would move the fuck out. That's it. All right, awful laugh. Oh my God, Neil, we, why are you saying that she's a sociopath? I'm just curious. Um, because she treats her dad's like,

shit, she fucking, uh, uses people. This is his description. She uses people and when she can't get anything from them, she completely discards them, which means she has no use for them. But they're like, they're like a light bulb that burned out. All right. I understand what discard means.

Sorry, I had just had to. Ah, Jesus. All right, you know what? I deserve that. All right. Awful laugh. Hey, Mr. Bill birth canal. They always, they try to come up with clever ways to, uh, with my name.

I see. Hey, Bill, gingerhead man. Is that a gingerbread man? That's good. That's decent, right? That's all right. Yeah, that's okay. All right.

I need the brilliant wisdom that only a middle-aged balding redhead could give. See that? This is how they do it. They compliment and they slap me around a little bit. I'm dating a lady who couldn't win a Hooters model contest. Wow.

She could win a Hooters model contest. Fly that girl in Paris and put her on the runway at Chanel. Sorry. Why do you guys hate it? Why do you guys hate it when we say you're pretty? No, no, it's not that. It's just like that is supposed to be like this fucking ultimate compliment

that she can win a modeling contest at Hooters. I'm, I'm any other woman who's, and this is nothing against Hooters actually, because I don't. Alligator arm it. Shit on Hooters. Go ahead. But I'm saying like it's just funny to me what men or young guys consider a compliment.

She could win a fucking Hooters model contest. I'm sorry. If there's any girls that work at Hooters, I fucking love Hooters and their girls are super sweet. You don't like Hooters and you don't think it's suited. You're insulted by it. I'm not. It's, I'm, I think it's funny the way he describes her as saying

she could win a Hooters model. There's something really funny about that. There is something funny about that. But I'll tell you this stuff. Come on, get in praise. You're thinking about, you got to go on the road with me though, Nia. Okay.

You got to go on the road. You got to understand, you know, when you live in the middle of fucking nowhere, you know, and you get big deals, you go down in the fucking cracker barrel, and you, and you get down, you get, you get down to one little golf peg. And that means you're a genius.

That, that's out there, Nia. Out there and the sticks. You think I'm being, you think I'm being classist by laughing at that description because he can't just say, this girl is really beautiful. Because he goes on the thing. No, I'm actually being a dick.

She's funny, intelligent, level-headed, and has a smoking. That's, those are wonderful things. But like the Hooters model contest, first of all, I didn't know that they had model contest. You mean that she could get a job at Hooters? Because. Hey, can I get a word in here?

I was actually, I was being a dick. I'm joking around. I love cracker barrel, and I love when I fucking get down to the one little golf spike. It makes me feel like I am intelligent. They got that little game, if you could. I haven't been a cracker barrel

in a million years. You shouldn't, because they said that racist shit a long time ago. Yeah, exactly. And I portray our relationship every time I go there and get their eggs. All right, she's funny, intelligent, level-headed, and has a smoking hot body,

and an epic chest. Ah, maybe that's where the Hooters part comes in. Yeah, she's got a great fucking wreck. The Hooters model contest. All right, I'm sorry. What should have you said? Applebee's fucking... Just like, like...

Bring chicken. An incredibly subpar fucking restaurant chain with the most basic requirement for popcorn. Do you realize what a snob you sound like to be sitting here in Paris shitting on Hooters? Fuck you. I absolutely do. Fuck you, you know what?

No question for you today, Mama Zell. But absolutely. I love it. I love their popcorn shrimp. Yeah, you see that, Nia? It's really good. Don't ever forget that, Nia. And the lemon, and the lemon.

Don't ever fucking forget that. I don't give a fuck where you're at or what you're doing at the end of the day. You like Hooters lemon popcorn shrimp. Not lemon popcorn shrimp. The lemon pepper wings and the buffalo popcorn shrimp. That shit is amazing. And they have really big drinks.

It could be a little stronger though, at least in the Hollywood one. But no, I really don't have a problem. I just saw the final 10 years of your life. What? You have just an absolute lush sitting next to a pool. Why isn't this fucking my tea any bigger? You're eating fucking lemon chicken wings.

Oh, I would never have a martini at fucking Hooters. I mean, a margarita maybe. Like, that's the kind of place you get a fireball shot. You know what, Nia? You really sound gross right now. All right, this is my fault. Anyway, let's go on. This is my fault.

Both are looks and personality art. Shut up. I'm reading this. Why would I complain you as? Well, because you're a guy, and so you have to complain about something. Because every time she laughs. Wow, that sounds familiar.

I feel like putting a bullet in my head. It sounds like a coyote and a trash compactor. When we're at dinner, at Hooters, I assume, she laughs as loud and as awful as she can. I can see all the shock tables and my prohibition and hear the babies nearby begin to violently weep. Okay, now you're being hyperbolic. When whenever she laughs,

I do my best to stare at her rack and appreciate her until the storm is over. This is actually kind of funny. This girl is practically wife material. With every laugh, I lose the will to live. I'm a 26-year-old man with options. Right. But really, you know what?

You're such an asshole. You just shit all over the guy. That's good. You bounce it out. Nothing the guy said. That whole fucking hyperbole thing. If some woman wrote that, like a coyote and trash compactor

and like the babies crying around there, you would have laughed. Oh my god, this girl's hilarious. But if a guy does it, they're a fucking asshole. Let me finish this out. I got you, buddy. Here we go.

This girl is practically wife, but 26-year-old male with options. He does have options. And with Facebook now, the world is his option. Oh, grandpa. I'm sorry. What is it, Instagram?

Is it a meme? Is that how you meet somebody now? Pussy meme. But realistically, I don't know if I have the potential to top this girl. Dude, you're selling yourself short. What do I do? Do I suck it up and look past it?

Or do I put on the breakup suit and dump her moments before leaping out of the car? Your advice and possibly the lovely Nias would be wonderful. It calls you the lovely Nia and you're shitting on him. I'm sure I speak for many when I say, okay, sincerely possible suicide victim. All right, dude. You don't love this girl enough to look past her laugh

because I really think if you really loved her, the fact that she had that crazy laugh, it would actually, in some weird way, you'd find it adorable. I think she's just hot. Yeah, that's true. I think she's hot. I think you have a little bit of low self-esteem

where you're looking at your age. Like, what are you? What do you got? Fucking eggs in you? You don't, all right? You're a guy. You're young forever. You know, your biological clock isn't ticking.

You know, Nias, I just say this shit just to get you going. All right? You're 26-year-old. Yeah, you got all the options in the world. She's fucking smoking hot, right? Banger one more time, and then fucking dump her, right? I'm sorry, I'm fucking with you.

Just get out of it. Just get out of the relationship, and that's the thing, though. But don't tell her why. Don't say because you're fucking laugh. Well, she can't do any of our laughs, Nia. I know. I just feel bad.

I actually feel bad for them both. Because I was just trying to put myself in a situation. Like, being crazy about you, and if you just had the worst laugh, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, who, who, we, don't, we know somebody that has a laugh like that. That's like, kind of like,

has like a honking in their laugh. And it's, and it's funny. But I'm sure the first time the person he's with heard it, she was like, whoa, okay. But the thing is, a person who laughs like that, other, you laugh at them for their laugh, they laugh even more.

Everybody laughs at them, and it becomes like a, like, that girl with the crazy laugh. If you love them. If you love them. You're right. If you don't, you're like, oh my God, I want to kill this person.

Like, is it really that bad? Like, is it, I, I wish that you would laugh. Hey, I'm not going to say the name. I'm not going to say the name. But I used to have somebody, one of my agents. That's what I was just talking about. Yeah, one of my agents said,

I loved him to death, and I actually loved his laugh, especially because you could hear it when he was in the crowd, and I knew that he thought the joke was funny. And he'd seen a bunch of comedy, so to really get him to laugh was an amazing thing.

I really feel like I can hear it right now. Yeah, so I remember being on stage at Caroline's, and I'm killing for a half an hour, and I knew he was in the crowd, but I'm not thinking that. I'm just thinking of doing my shit in about a half hour, and I tried this new bit,

and I ripped this thing, and it fucking killed. In the middle of it, I hear in the back of the club, he's just here. Yep. The honk. Yeah, but I'm not even doing the thing.

Yeah. And yeah, and he, and he hated his laugh too. He hated his laugh. And he's just like, I know, that's how I laugh and blah, blah, blah, blah. But fucking sweet heart out of a guy. Yeah, but he was a great person, and the laugh was hated.

We're talking about it like he's dead. I know, he is currently. I gotta wrap this podcast up, because this internet here stinks, and this is gonna take me forever to upload this. Did I really go an hour and a half? Fuck. Really quickly, Nia.

Sorry for the getting you there too early to the tennis match. You hung in there like a fucking champ. Oh, did you talk about that? Yeah. I basically said that I had a great fucking time, but that crowd is not my crowd. No.

The tennis crowd. I mean, let's get into it. The Hooters crowd isn't your crowd either, Nia. I love the Hooters crowd. Well, maybe not the crowd, but the restaurant. All right. I like the Hooters restaurant. The tennis crowd, it's a weird one,

because you've got all this shh, shh, shh, and then you've got the rogue person that's like, come on, KZ, like when we were in Australia. Yeah, people getting mad. They're getting mad at somebody yelling. People who scream out, because it's like they have to concentrate. Kind of like if you were to do that on the golf field, I feel like it's a similar thing, right?

Literally what I just said. Go tag, oh, okay. It's a golf course. Yeah, so it's weird, but there's this aggression to it as well. It's a golf course, not a golf field. Did I say golf field? A golf stadium. When you're at the golf arena.

All right, I have to wrap this up, because this thing's going to take forever to load. All right? Okay. All right, that's it. Once again, thank you for everybody for listening. Thanks for writing in all of that shit. I got the, I got my tour coming up when I get back.

I can't wait to do stand up. I miss it, man. I fucking miss it. Let me read off the dates here. I will be in Portland, Oregon. I fucking love that town. The nineties is alive in Portland. I never even heard that.

Portland, Oregon. I'm singing a theme to Portland. You ever been to Portland? No, when I come to that one, I would love to. No, I've spent enough time with you. I've spent enough time with you. I'm sick of you. Portland, Oregon.

This is not true. Listen, Nia, I'm telling you, some of the best fucking food. Portland and Seattle. I want to go there when I hear it's beautiful. Oh, it's fucking awesome. It's full of cool ass people. It's fucking unbelievable. Sacramento, California.

I'm going next. June 19th. It's the capital. June 19th. I don't know shit about Sacramento, other than I used to say in this horrific comedy club condo across from the punchline out there. And the only thing I could do is walk to this dirty McDonald's

where there was this crackhead. So I'm holding out. I thought Sacramento was a bunch of really rich Republican white people. Not the part I was staying in. Reno. Oh. Reno.

Bizarre Guitar and Gun Shop. Definitely going to swing by there. Santa Rosa. Never been there. I'm playing that on June 21st. June 22nd. I'm in San Jose. I've been there a bunch of times.

I love that fucking town. Fresno. Never been to Fresno. The only thing I've seen there is about gang activity. And they have a good football team. Oh, they did. I don't know how they've been doing the last couple of years. Then I'm in Bakersfield, California.

Then Highland, California. Southern Accident. I don't know why. It just sounds like Buddy Baker. Wasn't it? Brewster Baker. Remember that show, Baker Field. Kenny Rogers.

That's why. Brewster Baker. Kenny Rogers. Baker Field PD. Do you remember that show? No. Okay. Then I'm in Las Vegas on the 26th at the Mirage.

And then I'm in Tucson, Arizona. How fucking cool is that tour? All down the West Coast. And who is Arlene Schnitzer? The Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall. Who is that? Somebody who died but accomplished. Is it a woman that invented something perhaps?

Did you tell them about the booth? Accomplished enough in life. Did you tell them about the Vuv Clico tour that we went on? And how you turned to me. You're like a woman, an inventor. Shut up, baby. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we'll tell that next time.

Okay. That sounds good. No, no, Vuv Clico. Is that what it is? Vuv Clico. Yeah. She wanted, my wife is such a drunk. She wanted to take a tour of how they make

champagne. Yeah. So we get in, we fucking drive out to the countryside. And went to this really cool last town. I forget what it was called. And we took a tour of this thing. And I hate champagne. Gives me a brutal hangover.

I don't like sweet shit, right? So they used to have these mines where they dug for chalk. And you went down like these, oh, shut up. They went down these 80 fucking sticks. How do I get through this? This is such a cool fucking story. Sorry. I'll tell it on Thursday.

Anyways, long story short. A guy actually came up with this shit. And then he died at 27. And then she was the lover of his life. Vuv Clico, Vuv means the widow. And that was the last name. She kept the last name of her husband that died. And she took over the champagne, but she fucking perfected it

and took it to the next level and invented a way to get that sentiment out of it to make it clear as shit. And she kind of did some fucking scumbag shit, though, that all great companies have to do if they're going to go internationally. When Napoleon lost to the Russians, okay, French guy, they lost to the Russians. And the Russians wanted to celebrate.

She fucking sent them over champagne to the people that fucking just beat her old country. It's very patriotic, but it's fucking horrific. But I'll tell you right now, political moves. Yeah, but you know what? That shit in the national sun. Yeah, she behaved like a bank dust. They got money on both horses.

Whoever wins, they still win. Like Don King, but at a fucking corporate level. All right, I'm done. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday. I'll check in on you.