Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 6-9-14

Episode Date: June 9, 2014

Bill rambles about KFC, NBA announcers and having a gay son crush it.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members will be free to buy a warm meal for adults. Ikea. Happy birthday to me. Oh, happy birthday to me.

Happy birthday, you redheaded freckled cunt. Happy birthday, happy birthday to you. You fucking douche. What's going on? How are you? I watched a bunch of sports this week. That's all I did. You know how many times I sat through the national anthem? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Everybody's different version of it. You know, I got to go with Harry Carey. Just sing the goddamn song. Just fucking get on with it. Just drop the fucking puck. Just throw up the basketball. Throw out the first pitch. Can we do like a trade-off?

Like every other game, we just say we pledge allegiance. Can we do that? We can all murmur it in the crowd. I pledge allegiance to flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands. I got choked up there. One nation under God, indivisible. Individual, indivisible.

I don't know. With liberty and justice for all. You know, well, for most people and for others more so than not. You know, depending on, you know, skin color and what family you were born into, what part of the country, right? If your parents were bankers, you know,

if your parents bought a $50,000 plate of fucking trout at an Obama rally, whatever those fucking politicians do. Those filthy, stinking bastards. I'll tell you, they're all a bunch of fucking liars. All right? We're all liars, aren't we? I'll speak for yourself, Bill.

I'm behind on everything. I don't even know what's going on in the world. I keep seeing this shit about fucking... I thought... I thought that this... Don't do this to me, this fucking computer. Come on, man. There we go. What is this?

Bergdahl? Isn't there, like, also a place, like, Burgansi that everybody's freaking out about? I really pay attention to, like, national and international events, the way my wife watches sports, which is you just sort of walk by the TV, and if the same kind of...

if the same athlete is on enough, she'll just be like, oh, yeah, he's good. He's good. I do that with international stories. Like, oh, that's... a lot of people are talking about that. It was like, I guess there was an embassy that was bombed? Oh, Jesus. I want to fucking read the national news.

So this Bergdahl guy, how do you say his name? All I remember was at some point, there was some fucking guy who looked like he was on Duck Dynasty, speaking Arabic, and everybody got all freaked out, and Obama was standing there looking uncomfortable, and I guess some guy got released from prison,

and everybody's fucking mad because his dad spoke Arabic at the White House and claimed the White House. You can see the guy. This guy that they think just claimed the White House for Islam. This guy looks like... Do you ever see that episode of Honey Boo Boo, where the people were all sitting in that fucking room with one light bulb

bidding on food that had already expired? That's what this guy looks like. I don't think he fucking... I don't think the White House has anything to worry about. You know, can everybody just fucking relax? The guy, he said they stuck him in a shark cage. He's so fucking like out of it from his captivity, he's calling like it's just basically a cage.

It's not a shark cage. How the fuck would the Taliban get a shark cage? You know, in the middle of Afghanistan. Jesus Christ, where did they drag that thing in from? The fucking Black Sea? I mean, come on people, tip your waitstaff over there. You know something? The fucking Taliban works out on a jungle gym.

As far as I remember from the last newscast that I watched about 15 fucking years ago, or maybe it was 10, I don't know. They work out on a jungle gym. Where the fuck are they going to get the money for a shark cage? To have that thing flown into Afghanistan, like they have some sort of international airport. They have one, we built it, right? We built it so we could land there, you know?

Try to slap them around and give them a bucket of KFC to let them know what the good life's about, right? If you guys see that, I just saw a commercial for Kentucky Fried Chicken where the parents are all excited because the two bratty kids won't sit still at the dinner table, but they got them this fucking chicken and they're feeding it to them. They're basically very subtly saying that there's drugs in this chicken that will make your spastic children chill the fuck out.

Spastic, I mean, like, you know, not the way they mean it over there in Great Britain. You can't say that on the comedy, or you can say it in a comedy club over in Scotland, but you'll have a rough, you'll have a rough go of it if you say the kid was spastic. Over there, that means like severely, mentally challenged. Over here, it just means you're not going to get laid till you're 26. When you're in grad school, looking over a fucking cadaver, right? With some other fucking nerve, nerd, right?

And you're just sitting there going, you know, the ankle bones connected to the knee bone, right? Has any of this made any sense? Well, it shouldn't. It's fucking Sunday night and I am spent. I got a whole bunch of shit I have to do tomorrow, so I got to do it tonight. All right, I'm off my game. All right, I got to do, I got to talk to the regular guys tomorrow. One of my favorite radio shows out there.

I got to talk to them tomorrow morning, which you guys have probably listened to this, I've already done it, to hype my show in Atlanta at the Tabernacle. Two shows. I'm taping there for my next stand-up special. I got to tell you, I got a lot of fucking eyebrow-raising when I've been talking to other comedians. Wade Tapen, I go Atlanta, they go Atlanta.

They got good crowds down there. They got great fucking crowds down there. It's going to be an even better show, because I'm going to be going to... I mean, I wish I was going even further into the South. You know, it would be a great special. I should have taped it in, like, fucking Macon, Georgia. And then when I went up there and I did my bit about how I want to get a .22 caliber,

that's all I want, to protect my house and watch those fucking backwards people lose their goddamn minds. That adds a whole other layer to the joke, right? Who the fuck knows? I don't know, but I'm going to be down there. I got to hate this show to sell the last remaining tickets to the special. I hope you guys come out to the show. It should be a goddamn hootenanny. That's what the fuck should be.

All right, so what's going on in the world? What did I do this week? I didn't fucking do anything. Completely lost my train of thought. I didn't do shit this week. All I did was I watched sports, and it was great because you had the NHL and the NBA finals, and so far they've been on different nights. So I've watched every second of all of them, because I don't really have a life right now.

I'm just kind of sitting here waiting for June 20th when I tape my special. That's all I'm waiting for. Once I get past that, once I get past that, all right, oh Billy boy here, oh Freckles is fucking, I'm falling off the wagon in a big way. All right, I've been on the fucking wagon right now for 52 fucking days, and I've had it. All right, you cleanse your liver in like 42, 43 days or something like that.

Every drunk I know has told me that. Every drunk I know that does not have a medical degree has told me that if you go 42, 43 days, you will cleanse your liver, at least to the booze. You know, now if you fucking, you start doing blow, or you know, eating a bunch of trans fat fucking food, or feeding your kids Kentucky fried fucking chicken. Jesus Christ, what happened to parents?

That you got to drug your kids to keep them under control. You know, you know what kids don't respect their parents. They respect them, but they don't respect like, oh my God, this person could ring my neck, could pick me up by my hair, right, could grab a paddle, and fucking, you know, mostly hit my ass, but also kind of hit my lower back because I'm squirming, right. That doesn't exist anymore.

So now these kids are so fucking out of control. These people have to go down to Kentucky fried chicken. Okay, and I use the term chicken very loosely to go down in whatever that is that's in that bucket. Okay, if it doesn't have a beak, if it doesn't have feet, if it's fucking, you know, chest is breast is sticking out like the cast on fucking, what was that show with the Italians there on New Jersey Shore?

Right? My world, that's not a fucking chicken. You know, you want the chicken that looked like Mark McGuire in his rookie season. You don't want to eat the chicken that looks like Mark McGuire when he fucking played for the Cardinals, you know. Do you eat a regular fucking chicken? First of all, it's going to look like a pigeon to you because you're so used to seeing those roided up ones

that they have murderers row that you got down there with your fucking Shaw's, right? Your Vaughn's, your JC Penney's, whatever the fuck you buy, your goddamn chicken. You go down to any one of the mainstream fucking supermarkets. Okay, and I swear to God, when you get to the chicken section, okay, if you slept for the last 30 years, like that Van Gundy guy under the bridge,

whatever his fucking name is, Van Morrison, what the hell is his name? Rip Van Winkle, right? That was one of those people, one of the Vans. If you slept for the last 30 years and you went down, okay, and they showed you what a chicken was, you'd be like, you'd be like, that ain't no chicken. Okay, that's a goddamn turkey.

I know a fucking turkey when I see one, all right? Ain't no such thing as a nine-pound fucking chicken. Can't be done. No, sir. No, sir, get off my property. Okay, I'm done with your witchcraft, okay? Hey, I said get the fuck out of here. The fuck off my property. Honey, get the gun.

Yeah, you would think it was a fucking turkey, and the thing is, is now it's a chicken. And I remember I watched one of those food inks, the liberal goddamn things, you know, talking about flying carpets and electric roads and all that bullshit, somewhere in there, they were talking about, you know, the food supply and how poisonous it is.

Poisonous. Poisonous it is. So I fucking went down to a farmer's fucking market. And I said, I want an all-natural fucking chicken. I can't even talk, I'm so tired. I want an all-natural chicken. And the guy goes, these are all-natural. And I said, all-natural? And he goes, well, I'm like, come on, where is it?

And he had to walk around the corner, sitting over there, lonely. I swear to God, looking like a dove, looking like somebody killed the fucking dove. He goes, right there, that one right there is 100% all-natural, nothing's wrong with it. And I was like, I was like, what? That's what a chicken's supposed to look like.

And he raised his eyebrows, and he kind of put his lips together. So they were straight line, and then he nodded. You know, I looked at people do like, like, yeah, I'm in the matrix. I realize I'm in the matrix, but, you know, I knocked the bitch up. So I got to be selling these roided up chickens.

Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So basically, that's what these people are eating over there. Okay, they are, they are drugging up their kids. But I can't get mad at them, because I actually did that to Charlie Murphy and Don L. Rawlings. I told this story before, hey, I'll tell it against my fucking podcast.

I actually drug, the exact thing that they're doing in that Kentucky Fried Chicken commercial, where they're trying to get their kids to sit still by just feeding them so full of these fucking trans fats from these roided up, beakless fucking chickens with their dolly part and breastesses. Right? I did that to fucking Don L. and Charlie.

I was hungover, and we were taking a car service from Chicago, Zany's up to one of those, one of the fuck it was, St. Charles. It was a three-city run. And one of them was St. Charles, so we're getting in the fucking limo. Don L's in rare form.

Charlie's in rare form. They're fucking gabbing and trashing people and me and everybody. And I just don't want to hear it. I'm like, I don't want to listen to these fucking guys running their goddamn yaps in the back of this car the whole fucking way up. I want a nice quiet ride.

This is gonna suck. And I walked outside, hungover, and I walked into the Chicago where, you know, almost got hit by three fat people. And I looked up the street, and I saw it. I saw Popeyes, and I was like, oh, thank God.

And I fucking walked in there, and I got all this fucking Popeyes chicken with biscuits and all of this shit food. And I brought it back to the car. And as the car pulled up, they came out, and I said, hey guys, I got ourselves some, I got us some food. And they went, ah, it's fucking great.

You know, they were hungry or whatever. And they started chowing that fucking Popeyes food. And I sat back nibbling on a drumstick. And I swear to God, ten minutes later, they were asleep. I'm not lying to you. They were fucking asleep, snoring the whole way up.

And I was just sitting there loving life the whole fucking ride up. And you know what? I admitted to them later. They thought it was funny. But that's basically what it is. They call it theitis. That's what they call it when you eat that shit food,

and then you have to go to sleep. They call it theitis, I guess. And by day, I meet African-Americans. They call it the fuckingitis, and that's what they got. And I learned that from Don Al. Because I don't know how that man stayed in shape, but he had the worst diet.

He's one of those guys who like, you stop for gas, and he comes out of the gas station with like one of those gas station hot dogs. And he would eat it, and then he would immediately fall asleep. And I would say to Charlie, look at this guy, he's sleeping.

And Charlie would be like, yeah man, he got theitis. And he explained that to me. And with that little bit of information, it went into my evil white brain. And I drug my two African-American friends way back in the year 2005. And that's a little chicken story for you.

How did you like that, everybody? So that's what the fuck they're saying right there. That's what Kentucky Fried Chicken is allegedly saying. I guess I have to say alleged. So they're lawyers on retainer. Don't attack my fucking podcast. As far as I can tell. I'm asking you right now,

Kentucky Fried Chicken, hiding behind your fucking letters. KFC, is that what the fuck you're doing? Is that what you're saying? If you got kids who are not stimulated enough that they can't even sit down, if you haven't, you gotta run them around. You gotta tie your kids out.

Open the door, you send them out in the fucking yard. Go ahead, go outside. Get outside and play. That's what you do, like a goddamn, one of those fucking Irish dogs that was bred to herd sheep. You gotta let that fucking thing run around. Run around in circles.

Go ahead, get out there. Take a ball and you just fucking throw it out in traffic. You can let that dog run around dodging cars. It comes in, it's gonna lay down. Okay? It's not gonna jump all over a company, sticking its cold nose right in their fucking hoo-has. That's what you gotta do with your kids.

You gotta send them outside. Right? But to catch a predator and all these other fucking shows, you know, all these shows on TV where people forget their kids are in a car with their windows rolled up, and their kids are too fucking dumb to roll them down, or they're too weak because they haven't gone outside

and climbed a fucking tree, and they stay in there and their brains get cooked like a boxer. You know? You know, that dog boxes, they don't do well in the sun. Well, neither do fat kids. If you leave the windows rolled up, you know, and they got those weak arms

that all the most tedious things they ever did was take a wrapper off of a fucking an ice cream sandwich. Right? You can't leave them in the car. My mother left us in the car all the fucking time. She would go to school. She was going to school during the day

trying to further her education, and she left five fucking kids in the car with the windows rolled up and money for Burger King, and she would say to us, just go into the Burger King. That's the only time you were to leave this car over the next three fucking hours

when I'm in class. And she would disappear around the corner and say, absolutely, mom. And she walked away, and we immediately would get out of the car and start walking up and down the streets in Boston. We'd go into fucking Burger King, and we'd have some to eat.

Do you know what would happen nowadays if they just saw five fucking dirty-faced kids walking up and down Com Ave, Boilston Street going into a Burger King, looking like the cast of fucking Annie? Someone would have filmed it, and my mother would have been, you know, but they didn't,

because there was no cameras back then, or videotape ones. I mean, there was, but only people at them were like the news in a young Steven Spielberg. So we went in there and we fucking got some food, climbed on cars, and fucking yelled at people and shit,

you know, hanging on parking meters and all that. Hence, we had the fucking forearm strength to roll down the windows, and none of us ever had an issue in the car. And you know what, I think that's one to grow on. So there you go, people.

I'm not saying KFC is food. I'm not saying it's bad food. Every once in a while, who's kidding who? Every once in a while, it would be great if you could just fucking do heroin the way you can eat McDonald's. Just like every once in a while, you'd just be like, you know what?

Yeah, let's just fucking tie off, not off for the rest of the fucking day, and like the people at work understood it. You know, hey, where were you yesterday? I got this Black Tower heroin came in, hadn't done it in like three months away. Figured, fuck it. Oh, is that what you did? How was it?

You know, like you went to Aruba, you said, ah dude, it was awesome, fuck it. I don't remember shit. But you can't, you know, you get addicted to it. Alright everybody, let's do a little advertising here, shall we? Shallow, too fucking bad, it's my podcast, I'm doing it anyways. Alright. Here we go, Stamps.com, everyone.

Summer is finally here, and you want as much free time as possible. Don't let going to the post office cut into that free time. Use Stamps.com instead. With Stamps.com, you can print postage right from your desk. You won't have to go to the post office, find parking, wait for your turn, all of that crapola. Stamps.com turns your PC or Mac

into your own personal post office. Buy and print official US postage using your computer or your printer. Print everything from stamps to shipping labels, shipping labels, wherever you need, whenever you need it. Oh my god. They just hand your mail, and then just hand your mail to the mailman.

Stamps.com is so convenient and easy to use, you'll never waste time going to the post office again. I use Stamps.com to send out all the crap that I sell at the end of my shows when I stand there whoring myself out, dealing with the fucking cougars. Right, with their red wine breath, trying to grab my lack of an ass.

Right now, use my last name, Burr, B-U-R-R, for this special offer, no risk trial, plus $110 bonus offer, which includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait, go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Alright, don't check in on your kids. Do this. Click on the microphone

on the top of the homepage and type in Burr. B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com, enter Burr. Alright. Who's number two in the order? Dollar Shave Club, everybody. The big razor companies. You know what? They think we're stupid. Oh yeah, every year they roll out

some ridiculous shaving technology gimmick and expect us to shell out big bucks for it. What are they, up to 17 blades at this point? All lifting and separating like a bra in the 70s? Do you really need a razor with a vibrating handle? Huh? A roller pivot ball, back scratcher, egg timer, laser pointer, corkscrew? Huh? I know I don't.

We were shaving just fine before any of that crap. We were. Two blades, that was all you ever needed. You could get it under your nose. They got so many blades, you can't even shave under your nose. And I definitely don't think I need to spend my hard-earned cash on it, people. It's a bunch of junk. If you're sick of being treated like a fool, like a whore, like an idiot, a moron, a sucker, a chump, join the hundreds of thousands of smart people

who join Dollar Shave Club.com. DollarShaveClub.com delivers the best blades and grooming supplies for just a few bucks a month. Their blades are better than the big shave companies for a fraction of the price. You know what? I have sensitive skin, so watch what you say about it when you're around it. And their razors have never given me any problems.

Honestly, I have the best shave in my life with their 4X razor. You gotta try it. I've never used that. Stop putting words in my mouth. I like the double blades you got there, sweetheart. I told my buddy about the Dollar Shave Club. That would be you guys. And he shares a subscription with his wife. No lie. I think it saved their marriage.

Dollar Shave Club, why are you writing all this crap? You have a product that sells itself. Quit trying to make me sound more personal, all right? It's personal the way I fuck up the read. Okay? My listeners can get started now at DollarShaveClub.com. And don't forget next week is fucking fun this day! Upgrade Pop Shave...

Wait, upgrade Pop Shave with the Dollar Shave Club gift card because he shouldn't have to pay more for his ridiculous shaving gimmicks either. Stop getting ripped off by the big... ripped off by the big shaving companies. Join DollarShaveClub.com slash burr. Shave Club... What?

They wrote it three times in a row with no punctuation. DollarShaveClub.com slash burr. Then it says ShaveClub.com slash burr. I don't even understand what it is. DollarShaveClub.com slash burr. That's what it is. B-U-R-R, okay? It's legitimate. We don't need any bells and whistles on this thing.

Just join it, okay? Unless you want to keep getting screwed. All right? If you like to be Gillette's prison bitch, keep doing what you're doing. Oh, God, look at that. Look at that little thing I just opened up. Those are my French words.

I stuck with it for two months. Now I don't remember any of them. That makes a lot of people happy on the podcast. I knew you weren't going to learn French. Stay back here with me in the townie. Bah! What is all of this crap? I have more fucking windows open.

Where the hell is the thing that I had here? Ah, Jesus Christ. Untitled screenplay. Why don't I just call it unwritten screenplay that I'm never going to finish? Oh, Bill, don't get down on yourself. Come on. Oh, there it is.

Okay. So anyways, I've been watching a bunch of sports over here. All this fucking week. Oh, shit. You know what's the greatest thing about the finals right now? Two American teams. All right? Not that I'm against two Canadian teams.

I'm just against listening to more than one nationally at them. All right? I get it. I like my country. I like living here. I pay taxes. I pay the roads. I pay off a whore.

I do whatever you want with my tax money. I don't give a fuck, but for the love of God. How about we switch it up every once in a while? How about you play my country, Tis of Thee? My country, Tis of Thee. Sweet land of liberty of the icing. Land where my father's dead. Land of the pilgrims.

Right? Nice and quick. So what did I watch? I watched the first two games of the king's fucking ranges. How about those ranges? Huh? Everybody thought the east was weak, including me. They're right there, step for step, stride for stride, skate for skate.

They've just been snakebitten in the over times. I was really hoping the ranges were going to win game two, you know? Because if they do, that's more hockey. I don't want the kings to sweep them. I don't want the ranges to sweep. I wanted to go seven games. I really do. I enjoy the goddamn sport.

And I got to tell you, man, it's been two games. If you ever were going to get into hockey, those were two fucking great games to watch. Both overtime games. I don't fucking, I didn't know what to tell you. I can't even fucking remember. I've watched so much sports. I didn't even remember what happened. All I know is the ranges defenseman fell down in that overtime and then Williams scored.

And who fuck scored game two? I saw it. I was watching it. It wasn't Copetar. He's been snakebitten. Ah, who the fuck knows? It's been great. But I, you know, I'm really hoping the Rangers win game three so we can get a series here.

But Jesus Christ, the kings, they don't give a fuck, huh? Down to nothing. They're whatever. We're used to it. Two nothing in a game. That's a joke. We've been down three games to none. They just sort of fucking just keep playing the game.

You know what I also like too about both games? It was when they went into the, the overtime's neither team was playing like, like, don't lose it hockey. Wait for them to make a mistake. They were just up and down the ice. Fuck it. Let's end this thing. Um, really enjoyed that. And as always, I can't stand them talking to the coaches during the game.

I think it's unbelievably disrespectful. They did it in the heat spurs game. It was funny. They walked up to the spurs coach. What the fuck is his name? Bonneville. I have no idea. I don't watch hoop.

Something with a beat. Popovich. It was something like that. Like a car or some fucking bad junk food in the 70s. Um, from the makers of Jiffy Pop comes Popovich. Cracker Jack's in your cunt. Um, Pop, Popovich, this fucking lady goes over there and she goes, what are your, what's your plan in the fourth quarter for, uh, for LeBron James? And he literally looks at her.

He's like, are you kidding me? Uh, try to get him to not score any points. And then she asked another dumb question. He looked at it like she had three heads and then he just walked away. And then she laughed like she was in on the joke rather than she was the joke. Right. You are the fucking joke. You're asking dumb questions.

It's not her fault. I'm sure they're piping him into her ear. You know, oh Jesus Christ. How bad is the fucking announcing crew for the NBA finals? Mark Jackson, can somebody please explain to me why he always goes mama? There goes that man. What does that even fucking mean? I know it means something good.

What does that mean? Am I too white to understand that? Is that, is that what said when a, when a fucking giant guy walks down the street in his part of the world, some little kid looks up at his mom and says, mama, there goes that man. I don't even know what the fuck it means. All I can tell you is my, my, my newt knowledge of basketball. Watching that game. I don't know anybody's fucking name other than the major people. When that guy fucking was dribbling baseline and he threw the elbow into that guy's fucking ribs.

He used to be married to that chick that was on that show about the desperate housewives. The fuck is Tony Parker? Yeah. And the fucking white guy, not Van Gundy, the other guy, Mike Breen, whatever, when he goes, that looks, I don't know, is that a, is that a foul? It kind of looks like a, you know, a normal basketball movement. Like it, no it didn't. He made a fist, moved his arm forward and then brought his fucking elbow back. It was a textbook fucking elbow.

Like the day when they start making a video version, right? Of the dictionary because kids are too fat to fucking read, they can't hold their eyeballs. You know, I don't know, going side to side is too much lateral movement for their fat eyes. They should just have a video of that. It was a textbook fucking elbow and they actually sat there debating it. I don't know, let's take a look at that again. Yeah, that's how I run. You know, one's just sort of, you know, going like, you know, my left arm just kind of moves normally.

And then the other one, I don't know what it is. I don't know if I have a crooked spine or whatever, but it just kind of, it kind of moves, you know, fucking all the way out straight. And then it goes back like that. Those over the love of God don't stand behind me. Textbook fucking elbow. And then another thing that they did that fucking bugged the shit out of me was when they go, they were talking about Tim Duncan. They were showing this great thing that when he first met the guy there with the fucking bald spot. Aaron Brockovich, whatever the fuck his name is.

Chris googly ugly. What's his name? I don't fucking know. They said when they first met him, and he also met Tony Parker, like he was quiet in a loop and they were intimidated by it. And they were telling the story. It was funny. Then they cut to Tim Duncan and Tim Duncan was like, well, you know, I didn't have anything to say to him. Basically, we're here to win games.

And if we start winning games together, we'll, we'll build a relationship. And then they come back and Mark Jackson goes, now you tell me what, what is the difference between what he is doing, not talking to his teammates and being aloof. And what Kobe Bryant does. And I almost fell off my fucking chair. And then Jeff Van Gundy goes, well, you know, I think it's the media, you know, once they get, they think who you are. They just keep perpetuating it and blah, blah, blah, blah, fucking blah. That's unbelievable. The excuses that these NBA whores, once you start fucking sucking the dick, right, the NBA, like that's how you make your fucking mortgage.

They just say, you know, they're not going to criticize the best guy. Well, he's not the best guy now because he's hurt, but he's been the best guy forever. Some people will say fucking LeBron James, whatever. But you know what I mean? Kobe's definitely top three, if not top two ever without a fucking doubt, not even debatable, but they just will not criticize the guy. And they're trying to say like Tim Duncan's aloofness is the same as Kobe, you know, walking off the court during bad losses, walking out on his fucking own teammates, the whole Shaquille O'Neal soap opera, you know, and not to mention that bad little fucking road trip he had, you know. Out in Colorado, I would think that, yeah, you know, I don't know. You know what's funny?

I don't think Kobe gives a fuck. Nor should he. How the fuck people think about him. But they're sitting to try to sit there and compare Tim Duncan, you know, acting like the way Kareem acted to Magic Johnson when he showed up and started jumping up and down when they won a fucking regular season game. And he sort of looked at him like fucking relax. We got 81 more games. I mean, that's just what a veteran does. Like that's the same thing is walking off the court, walking out on your own fucking teammates.

You know, I mean, Jesus Christ, Jeff Van Gundy, Phil Jackson and his own goddamn book trash Kobe Bryant in a roundabout way. You could read between the lines. Well, he was definitely a difficult guy to coach. Smash cut to him ripping his tie off, screaming at his wife. I mean, how many championships have I fucking won and his cut still won't listen to me? Right? That's what he's really saying. How do you say go fuck yourself an Italian?

That's what he's saying. Right? I really can't. I have a real difficult time listening to this. That looks like a normal basketball motion. Tell me, you tell me what's the difference between what he does and what Kobe Bryant does. Mama, there goes that man. I will tell you this, though, that the NBA Finals don't look fixed this year.

They're actually letting them play and it's been very enjoyable to watch. There's always going to be some bullshit fouls or whatever. And, you know, I don't know who the dumb fuck was that fixed the air conditioner, though. But if LeBron James has problems with cramps, you know, it's probably in your best interest to, you know, a couple of games. I mean, shit, you got home court, just have it be busted the entire time. Right? And is anybody else annoyed during that first game when the AC didn't work watching all those people fanning themselves in the crowd? You know, didn't you learn in third grade that that actually doesn't cool yourself off?

That actually just that motion alone is raising your body temperature, making you sweat even more. You know what I think it is? I think it's those fucking Texas girls. They wear so much goddamn makeup. Makeup! Right? That they got to make sure, you know, that it's not going to run. They're extra fucking hot.

You know, they got a bunch of Latina women out there, so a certain segment of them have shaved off their eyebrows and drawn them back on. Now, you can't have those things dripping down into your eyes. You can't do that. Courtside seats, right? On television, so they're all sitting there fanning the fuck themselves. Can anybody explain to me why does LeBron, why does he get the cramps and nobody else does? Why back in the day when they would be playing in the Boston Garden that had no air conditioning? Right?

And Johnny Most would be going triple digits at the Boston Garden. It was like over a hundred degrees. And you see in Kareem, he's on the oxygen and Robert Parish takes a sip of water and then dumps the rest down the front of his jersey. None of them cramped up. I don't understand. I guess everybody, you know what? That's like LeBron's kryptonite, I think, if it gets too fucking hot. So they ought to turn up the heat on the heat there.

That's what I would do. Because LeBron, I mean, look at the fucking guys. Guys of goddamn Adonis. He could body slam Adonis, whoever the fuck that guy is. Is that some sort of Greek God who threw a discus in the nude? What the fuck was wrong with the Greeks and their goddamn naked games? Right? Everybody grappling over there.

That curly hair. I'm just shitting on everybody this week, aren't I? Oh, whatever, it's Sunday night. Did you guys go to church today? Ba-ba-dee-bee, ba-ba-ba-boo-boo. There was an ark and a bunch of lepers. Make sure there's two and that fucking whore. And Jesus won't throw a stone.

All right, what do we got here? 37 fucking minutes in. What have I talked about everything? Oh yeah, I'm still trying to get in shape for my special. I've sort of like leveled out at about a buck 72, 174. I want to be about 170. So for the first time in a long time, because I fucked up my foot with that plantar fissureitis there, I actually took out, I don't know what to call it other than a jump rope.

I know that's what girls call it. What do you call it? A skipping rope. I hadn't done it in a few years. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. I should have videotaped it and I would instantly be considered the funniest human being ever. If you guys watch me try to remember when to start jumping as I brought that thing around.

I'll tell you it was ugly. I only did it for a minute because I'm testing out my foot to see how it's going. Right? So I did a bunch of stretches and then I took a tennis ball and I rolled it around underneath my foot before and after. And it seems like it's all right. But when you're old like me, it's not the day of. And a lot of times it's not even the next day. It's that next day.

It's the day after the day after. All right. Because what you fucked up is so deep down inside of you, it takes a while for it to get to the surface. That's what happened when I was playing hockey. God, I haven't played hockey in a while, but I would fucking, I would bruise up like three days later. All of a sudden, it looked like I got caned. This is before I got all the pads. Oh, by the way, I want to thank all you guys for trashing me for my cupcakes.

I really enjoyed the cupcakes and I enjoyed the trashing that you guys gave me. I had a lot of good laughs, some hacky jokes, but you're trying. It's not your vocation. There was a lot of funny ones out there. You guys, you know what? You paid it forward. You really entertained me. And I'm going to tell you, I'm not going to be bullied into not making cupcakes anymore.

In fact, the second I'm done with this podcast, I might even go on YouTube and actually, you know what's been fascinating me all week is trying to figure out how they get filling in a fucking cupcake. How do you do it? Do you start to cook the cupcakes and then take them out and then fucking inject the shit in the middle? And that's so like loose that the other than the cupcake is cake enough that you can put it in there? This is the kind of stuff that I think about rather than looking at fucking people getting upset at what fathers of prisoners of war said at the fucking White House. He can't tell me Obama when he saw that guy's beard coming up.

He didn't think, oh, geez. Like, what is this guy going to say? Is he going to think I'm the butler who works here? First of all, there's no way he didn't think that that guy, that guy was like textbook racist white guy's face. Right? Or at least like doomsday prepper. No idea who's president. He's got some fucking radio where he's listening to, I don't know what, New Zealand.

I know people. I'm all over the fucking place. Yeah, so I've been getting in shape. I've been hiking, doing my pull-ups, climbing the fucking rope and then eating like a fucking, trying to eat like a champ. As I say that, I have a pizza on the way every once in a while, you know? But I just got to go hard here for the last few days. And I cannot wait to get this special done so I can move on to my next hour and enjoy my summer.

And I've been going out to the clubs out here in LA like a maniac. I did five shows last night. I did, I think I took the night off before that. And I did two the night before that, four the night before that. And it's funny, like I was going to, I was like, I know, I'm just going to do all of my bits and 15 minute chunks. And you know what it is? I can't do it. I start to do it.

And then I just want to talk about the new shit, which is the next fucking hour. So, but I still think it's good to just be out there doing it, going out there, taking some swings, right? Staying in shape. I'm trying to anyways. So anyways, I'm really looking forward to it. And we sold a ton of tickets down in Atlanta. And I really want to thank everybody in advance for coming out to the taping. And I hope I give you a great show.

All right. And that's it. Oh, by the way, I'm supposed to remind the listeners of my podcast here. If you want to follow the podcast and the YouTube videos and the clips and all that type of shit, all the stuff that I talk about, for you can follow the Monday morning podcast on Twitter at at the MM podcast. All right. And MMP and the MM podcast, that's all capitalized. And, you know, you get all the latest updates, all that shit, all the all things comedy things.

You know, the all things comedy networks, we're going to start trying to do some live podcasts out here in LA. And there's rumors that I might be hosting one of the first couple. I've never done a live podcast where I hosted it. So I will be letting them do a little teaser here. I think that that's going to be happening in the beginning of July. So I'll let you guys know about that coming up. And what else? I think that's it. All right, let's let's get into the questions for this week.

And once again, everybody, thank you for sending me your emails. You really help with the back nine here on the podcast there. All right. First one out of the gate. Hey, Bill, my girlfriend, my girlfriend doesn't like me carrying around a knife. Hey, Bill or Nia, Bill and or Nia. I have a problem with my girl. I am an X Marine and trained for years before that with weapons.

Jesus Christ. You were already training with weapons and then you became a Marine. See, this is why, you know, I only talk shit on a comedy stage because you never know who you're going to run into. Right. As a result, I am in shape and I carry a knife wherever I go. Now my girl hates it when we go out and I have, I have it on me. It isn't a little pocket night. It's, it's a foot long fixed blade.

I'll fuck this. I got to get Nia. Hang on a second. Let me press pause here. And with that, the magic of the pause button. Here we are. Not only is the lovely Nia here. Welcome.

Hi. I also just wolfed down a pizza. We had a small pizza break. Yeah, I did. I ordered a small pizza moment of silence for this small pizza break. What is it? Snip dog. I'm white Nia.

I don't know what that is. Well, he says chronic break instead of pizza. Oh, I added pizza so that, I don't know. You know something I never got into that West Coast rap when it first came out. You don't like doggy style though. That that home. Weep, beep, beep, beep. Yeah.

But snoops first out like solo album is awesome. No, he's great. He's great. And he's aging. He's aging better than anybody. He went seamlessly from, you know, oh my God, who is this young hooligan? All of a sudden he was Uncle Snoop and white people just, that was it. He's selling pistachios.

Those are pistachios. He's on a pistachios vaporizer pens. He's like, he's just fully embracing. Like I will sell anything as long as it brings me money. No, I actually wouldn't agree with that. Because both of those things are awesome. Pistachios and vaporizers. That's true.

Now if he was going to sell anything, there would be like, you know, Clorox, Bleach or some shit in there. Just like. Shack sells like what he used to do Nestle crunch bars, which I thought was kind of weird. Shack lost all credibility when he was in that little ass Buick. Remember that? Trying to say how comfortable it was. And then he did that stupid point.

He was pointing at his friends who were laughing at him going, look at Shack. First of all, you don't drive Buick. When was the last time? When was the last time he drove a fucking Buick? Yeah, that's true. You know what? Junior high. Junior high.

By the time he was in high school. Shack was a rapper though. And he was in like with leaders of the new school and all those people. No, I remember how's my ass taste. What? It's a sports thing. What are you talking about? When Kobe and him didn't get along.

Really? Who said, he said, how's my ass taste? Kobe allegedly went to the front office and said, look, either he goes or I go. It was very real housewife. But it wasn't because it was two grown ass men, like professional players. I guess so anyways. And by the way, people, we are going to get to the guy who carries the knife. What?

We'll get to it. There's a reason I called you in here. Oh, okay. So the Lakers were like, all right. Well, we got two studs here and one of them's like fucking 10 years younger than the other or whatever. It's all right. So eight years younger.

So they got rid of Shack. Shack went to the heat. And I believe the next year or the year after, either the very next year or the year after, he won a championship with the heat. Okay. And the Lakers were floundering at that point. And so he was just, so he was at a club and he was celebrating as you do. And all of a sudden a microphone was handed to him.

He started freestyle rapping and came up with one and he was trashing Kobe basically saying that, you know, you thought you could do without me. Now you can't. So I went over here and I won one with Dwayne Wade and the hook was, how's my ass taste? That's disgusting. I think it was supposed to be disgusting. Well then success. Yeah.

But there's something about Shack. Shack is still silly. He's silly enough. Does he play still? Shack? Yeah. No. I didn't think so.

He sits in a giant fucking suit. Does he? He sells like TBS. Like that kind of that like heat rub, like my back hurts because I bent over too many times. Right. So let me pick it up. My fucking with my baggy cash.

No. I was going to say my giant slippers with my fucking Shaquille logo embroidered in them. Too wordy, Bill. Anyways, let's, let's get to this here. Okay. Bill, my girlfriend doesn't like me carrying around a knife. All right. I have a problem with my girl.

I am an X Marine and trained for years before that with weapons. As a result, I am in shape and I carry a knife wherever I go. Stop bragging. Maybe stop bragging. Now fuck this. Everybody else is a fat fuck out here. This guy. He's learned how to defend himself.

What else? For the most part. Yeah. Did you see the people at brunch today? Wow. So what though? That's the most. Wow.

In America and people who are in shape really need to like get off their whole fucking high horse about it. Like you went to the gym. Congratulations. What are you talking about? This guy's a hero. All right. Anyway.

Wait a minute. Back up. Back up. Back up. I didn't say that everybody in America wasn't, you know, couldn't lose a couple. I'm just saying he's a guy who's actually in shape. He says, can we continue please? I don't like how you already hate this guy.

Even when you hear what he's done. Because I don't think he has a problem with his girl. I think he has a problem with his ego and his paranoia. But let's continue. See, this is why I bring you in. This is so into the female perspective. Okay. He goes, now my girl hates it when we go out and I have it on me, meaning the knife.

It isn't a little pocket knife. It's a foot long fixed blade knife. I can see. Oh, is this? He has a little dick. Crazy. He has a little dick. I conceal it under my shoulder.

What? Under my jacket. She says, I don't like to feel it when I hug you, which is bullshit. We have fought about this and I refuse to give it up because it is an invaluable tool. And it gives me a small sense of safety. Should I break up with her, cave and get rid of it or lie and hide it in the car? Oh my God. If you are willing to lose your girlfriend over an inanimate fucking object, as I said

in the beginning before we got to the end of this fucking question, you've got more problems than your girlfriend. I don't know if you got PTSD or whatever it is, but if you're seriously asking Bill, if you should break up with your girlfriend or put your fucking knife away because it freaks her out that you carry it under your shoulder like some fucking renegade in some goddamn Kurt Russell movie from the late 80s, then that's a serious problem. Can we back up? What was PTSD?

What is that? PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder, which is a serious thing that a lot of veterans suffer with. So I don't mean to belittle it if that's a thing that you feel because you're a marine and you went through shit and danger is around the corner. This guy was in the weapons before that. Clearly. And that's the other thing too.

That's what I mean. Like if it's really like my knife or my girlfriend, is that sir, is that a real question? You know what? I think you just came up with one of the great bumper stickers that you could sell in a lot of rural areas in America. My knife on my girlfriend and you just have some dude like, I don't know. Is that really a question though, sir? Like that's what I mean.

Is it really my knife or should I break up with her? Just play along. Just act like all of these are real. It makes it so much easier to get to the comedy. Why a woman hugging you and feeling a knife that you keep concealed on your shoulder at all times is a little freaky. It's underneath. It's on his length.

I understand that. But do you know what? Until somebody shows up with a gun and he pulls out that knife, he goes, hey, hey, I got a knife here. I will deflect these bullets like Wonder Woman. Why do you have the knife, sir? Do you have PTSD? Is that what it is?

Feel like you need to have it because of the shit that you went through in the Marines, which is completely legitimate in which case, well, you need to have a more legitimate tone. You need to talk to somebody about that and then you need to talk to your girlfriend. Why do you feel like you need to have it? Because why do you feel like you need to have it? He's never said in this question at all why he feels like he needs to carry a knife at all times. When he's going on date night with his girl, he's got the knife under like his, his blazer.

That's not a little bizarre, that's a little excessive to you. First of all, even gun nuts aren't carrying that shit constantly. Listen, first of all, what should be crazy out there in the streets. You never know when you might need a knife. I mean, what is it? It's like a foot long, a foot long night that he keeps hidden under it. I mean, at what point does it become a sword two feet and he's talking about giving up the knife or breaking up with his girlfriend.

I mean, the real thing is, the real thing is, the real thing is, is the guy needs to get out of this relationship because if he's even remotely considering. You know what? Yes. Break up with her and spare her. You're crazy. Hey, hey, easy. Yes.

Break up with her. Do her a favor. Let her go because you clearly got some shit to work out and you are questioning whether you should keep a knife or you keep your relationship. Can I give you some constructive criticism? Let her go. No, no, you can't because this is not, Bill gives me a constructive criticism hour. This is, Nia comes on the podcast and gives her opinion hour.

So that's what she's doing. Well, how about, can I give you third person, how can I give you, can I give you constructive criticism for a minute? Let me ask you that 30 seconds. Let me ask you this. Well, first of all, don't put me on the clock on my podcast. I'll shut off your mic. That's my knife.

Your knife is your microphone. That's right. It is. It's my security blanket. Your microphone or your wife? Listen, let me, first of all, I already admitted that I like fucking make cupcakes. I don't need to go even further in this thing. I was very sweet and they were delicious.

Okay. Can I get to this? Sure. You, when you make points on this podcast, you want people to hear, right? That's not, you don't go, you kind of went like the way people make, you know, the way points on the internet where people go rather than just making their point to help, they'll just be like, Hey, dickhead. Maybe if you, that's how people start when they're making a point.

Okay. So you want to be at, at which point? At which point? No. Cool headed. Like you. No, no, no, no, no, no. I should follow your lead.

No. Right. Just be really like even tempered and fair-handed. I'm not a perfect person. And just not like reactionary and freaking out and screaming. I was out in the balcony. I heard you screaming about whatever the fuck you're screaming about this week. I was singing.

It's the same thing. Listen, this guy definitely, uh, he has some security issues without a doubt. Um, I don't know, you know, like maybe he got stabbed when he was younger and he was like, that's never going to happen to me again. So now he's got a, that's why I said PTSD, which is a very legitimate thing. Wow. Would you stop with your fucking catchphrase, psychology, PTSD, ADD. You watch anything about veterans or anything.

It's a real serious fucking issue for these guys. I know, but you're not a psychologist. You're sitting over here like Dr. Joyce brothers. Listen, I'll put your lab coat away. You don't need to be a psychologist to hear when someone says, should I keep my knife or break up with my girlfriend to know that something is seriously wrong. Hey, you know, maybe I don't need to be a chef to know that the toast is burnt. Well, let me, uh, oh snap.

Bam. Oh Jesus. Hey, wait a second. Well, what if he's sent it via his fucking phone and he's typing with his thumb? So he had to, you know, cause one other hand is on his fucking knife. That's still a problem. Well, let me ask you this stuff. What if, uh, you know, you like a hard body, right?

You're like hugging on somebody that's in shape. This guy is in shape. Then what do you need a knife for? Doesn't the knife, because what do you mean? What do you mean knife for? Because we're made out of 90% water. Okay. You could stab.

If you hit me, if you fucking were able to fucking make a stabbing motion, okay, fast enough with the straw, you'd kill me. Okay. That's real talk. That's real talk. That's real talk. So what do you, what do you? You pick up a box full of straws and some Godforsaken diner in the middle of Nebraska.

Okay. I, you better hope you're already in your fucking bathtub with the legs on it. What are you getting at with the hole? I like a hard body. What does it have to do with a knife? I'm saying, don't you guys, okay, you like a guy that's in shape, rugged, he seems like he can protect you. Yeah.

And he's fucking, you know, he's ready to be a bad, you know, a bad guy in like a Stephen Saga movie. He's ready. He's ready. I'd rather his body be a lethal weapon, not feeling like he has to carry one. Yeah. But nobody's body is a lethal weapon. A lot.

Like aren't like, I don't know, kung fu masters and yeah, those are movies. Are there people in real life who can like have their, their hand like Floyd Mayweather, that Jack asked. Can he have his, why don't you like him with all his white cars? You know why I don't like Floyd Mayweather. I'm not getting into it on the. I actually don't know why you don't like Floyd Mayweather. We didn't talk about this.

We didn't talk about how just, just can you just him and his relationship with women. That's all I'm going to say. Just Google it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, come on. Just Google it. Well, what, what does he do? What he bangs a lot of women? He should be.

He's the champ. Bang. If you mean the champ around, yes, the champ gets, gets more banging as in beating them up. Sure. He bangs a lot of women. Hey, I tell jokes at home. I mean, everybody brings their job home.

Oh my God. You really need to stop. Now, how do you know he hits his women? How do I, how do I watch, what I just say, wait a second, how do I watch every one of his boring pay-per-view fights and get sucked in every time as he poo poo poo poo poo poo and fucking scores his way through the fucking thing comes out with like a circus leading him out and flanked by Justin Bieber and Lil Wayne. That guy turned down for what?

Um, why? It's me and Bill's new favorite song. Oh, it's a fucking great song. You know what I love about that lyric? It reminds me of those, I love those Richard Pryor bits where he would be talking to other characters and you couldn't hear what they were saying, but you knew by what he was saying, you could tell what the other people were saying. I love that shit.

And what I love about that lyric turned down for what is you know, you see the party, you see him having a good time and you can just hear, hey, why don't you turn it and him sticking his head out the window and turn it down for what? And you know what? There's no answer. Yeah. For what? For what?

Yeah. Yeah. I like being turned up. Lil Wayne makes sense. Lil John. Oh, Lil John. Get your Lil's correct. Which one's Lil Wayne?

Oh, that's the guy with the, he drank like fucking Nyquil for five years then had to go to jail, look like a, look like a meerkat in that suit, remember that, that fucking look at his face? That is the look of somebody about ready to lose their freedom. I hope I never have that look. There's no fucking way to go to court when your freedom is on the line. All of you are fucking whatever it is. When the verdict's coming in, you have this, fuck, are they going to stick me in a fucking

cage? I can't, you know, I can't, I can't imagine ever being the defendant in a fucking trial where at the end of this, I'm either going to go free or they are going to put me in a fucking cage. I just, I can't even, I can't imagine that. You lost me. What, what were we talking about? You weren't listening.

I was. I was talking about Lil Wayne. You were talking about Lil John and then you said Lil Wayne. Lil Wayne and I said, the guy who drank the Nyquil and he had that, it looked like that little meerkat when he was sitting there in his suit. Please find me innocent suit that he was wearing and his hipster glasses that he put on. He looked terrified as I would be, he looked, you know, much terrified. I love Lil Wayne.

I do too. I'm not saying I don't love the, I mean, I don't, I don't know him. I'm just saying. I do love him. I liked that one where he was the doctor. Oh yeah. Dr. Carter. We have another patient, Dr. Carter.

He's like, ah, Jesus Christ. He sounded like that grizzled bed. I got time for this shit. He went, Nick Moulti on that track. Dr. Carter 3. Fantastic wrap out. Legal Zoom, everyone. America was built by innovators and dreamers.

People like Thomas Edison and Henry Ford laid the foundation for our country. These days it's the inventors and the entrepreneurs all around us like you that keep our country running by fueling the job market and economy. This month, Legal Zoom celebrates innovation by helping you launch your dream, apply for a patent to secure your invention, register your trademark to protect your products and services, incorporate or form an LLC and launch your business, visit LegalZoom.com and use discount code BRR, B-U-R-R. They'll provide the personal attention you need and help take care of all the details.

They've helped over a million businesses get started, right. They've received an A-plus from the Better Business Bureau. Celebrate innovation with Legal Zoom today and get a special price on trademark copyright or provisional patent applications by using the discount code BRR, B-U-R-R at checkout. Legal Zoom provides legal help through independent attorneys and self-help, but they are not a law firm. LegalZoom.com, discount code BRR. And lastly, but not leastly, Hulu Plus, everyone.

You've probably tried Hulu on your computer, Hulu Plus is so much more. With Hulu Plus, you can watch current season episodes of your favorite shows like Modern Family, The Daily Show and Scandal. And watch every episode of shows like Nashville, Lost and Doctor Who. You get ad-free movies and kid shows too. Now more than ever, there's so much to watch. Take total control with Hulu Plus to stream these shows and thousands more as much as you want whenever you want.

Hulu Plus works on your computer, your smart phone, TV, Roku Apple TV, I'm sorry, your smart TV, not smart phone, smart TV, Roku Apple TV, Xbox, PlayStation, pretty much any streaming device you already own. You can even watch on your phone or iPad, well I guess they can then, huh, while on the train at work at the dentist or in the bathroom. You can even block off a data binge. You also get to access originals that you cannot get anywhere else. Back out the new show Deadbeat, a comedy about a pot-smoking guy who talks to ghosts.

You can binge on all 10 episodes starting April 9th. For only $7.99 a month, get your shows anytime, anywhere, that's like a quarter a day. Come on folks, sign up now, right now. Sign up at huluplus.com slash bill or click the banner on my website and get two weeks full access, completely free. That's a whole extra week more with this special offer when you sign up at huluplus.com slash bill. Oh wait, I've got the ending.

So get with it and start streaming TV now with Hulu Plus. I'm the worst. All right, weight loss, dog pox and banging. There we go. All right. Billy boy. He goes, I got no nickname for you. I don't worry about it.

Thanks for the podcast. I'm a sales rep and use your podcast to de-stress. Is that a word? Don't you do it with jeans? That's de-stress. On the Monday afternoon drive home. Oh nice. Six months ago, my company laid me off and I've used your podcast to fatmate, fat shame

myself and work out during the day. I love it. Good for you. Fat shaming works. No, it doesn't. Yes it does. Well, I guess it did in this case. It does.

It does for me. I stand in the mirror shirtless and I just go, look what you did. Look what you did, you piece of shit. Nobody's going to love you. And next thing you know, I'm out there eating kale, jogging down the street with my white legs. He said I dropped 40 pounds. Also, can we talk about how you're dressed for a sport that would like never have you?

Why are you dressed like that? No, because I was going to go on a bike ride. You're matching. You actually look pretty cute, I have to say. But I mean, no guy wants to look cute. Oh, all right. Guys, I'm going to look cute. Oh my God, you look cute.

You do. You look cute. I would give you a second glance at the gym if you're wearing your little Nike outfit. Jesus Christ. Really? That matches. You should be thrilled by that. Yeah, you should be.

Oh, shit. You'd give me a second glance. Yeah, yeah. You should be happy. All right. But you can tell yourself lucky. I don't like your mint chocolate chips, fucking colored sweater you have on. This is rag and bone.

Okay. Okay, listen to this guy. This is some real fashion shit. I've dropped 40 pounds and it's been great. Good for you. From 260 to 220 and size 42 pants to size 36. Nice. Good for you.

How the fuck are you? Wait a minute. How are you 220 pounds size 36 pants? How does that work? 42 to a 36. This guy's got to be jacked. He's on the juice. He's got giant shoulders, 80 pound shoulders.

Anyway, so here's my dilemma. He goes, I have a lab, not a pot, a lab golden retriever mix and we go to the park near my house every day to play fetch off the leash. There is the usual suspects of about 10 to 15 people that bring their dogs out to play. I live in a slightly unsafe city, parentheses Baltimore. The wire. Yeah, wait a minute. Didn't they shoot the wire there?

Yes. Yeah, slightly. Not all Baltimore. Yeah. Not all Baltimore. Yeah, you got the fucking waterfront. That's sort of nice for half a second. Although didn't watch his face.

He had a meeting down there one time, one of the episodes. The guy you liked, the English guy on that show, I don't know what his fucking name is. His name on the show though was Sturgis, Striker, Spalding, Sterling, and last week we were outside discussing Stringer Bell. Stringer Bell, yeah. I put some new words in my head then I can remember. But last week we were outside discussing the groups of kids on bikes that are grabbing women's asses while jogging in the park.

So one guy starts telling the women to grab the kid that does that and hold them there until the police come. Oh yeah, that's really safe and realistic for women to do. Is that sarcasm? Yes, that is sarcasm. Keep reading. Well, just because he addresses it in the next sentence. Alright, don't fucking order me around on my post.

What's wrong with you? Nothing. What? Jesus Christ. He goes, I think you can see the... Keep reading. I've made my comment. Continue.

You are drunk with power. He goes, I think you can see the danger here of anyone adult grabbing a 14 to 16 year old and thinking the other kids will just ride away. You're going to get beat down and probably hit in the head with the brick. Sounds like the beginning of a death wish movie. So this same guy who by the way is a hedge fund manager and knows everything starts telling me all the fights he's been in. He goes, I'll buy each listener of this podcast a beer if he's even been in one fight.

He goes, so his wife is there and everyone is listening. He says, I want to fight one time with just my mouth. So before you can say anything else, I say, what did you do? Blow them? He goes, he goes, well, everyone laughs. He can't really say anything and he storms off, gets about 10 yards away and tells his wife she has to come home. She throws me a wink and says that was hysterical.

I think you heard his feelings. Oh, Jesus Christ. Door is opening and other doors closing. He goes, I found out a couple of days later that I'm going back to work and I'm being relocated. He's going to say, can I bang her before I leave? That's what I'm guessing. Back to work and I'm being relocated over a thousand miles away.

What's the problem? Well, his wife, his, oh, you wrote it wrong. Well, his wife is a hot piece of ass and has started sending me Facebook's messages and texts. What do you mean texts? When she gets your number, we skipped a part of that story, sir. Saying she wants to sleep with me before I leave. They have no kids and she showed me divorce papers that she is willing.

She's waiting to file after he gets his next bonus check in August. Normally, I'm a pretty upstanding dude. He's got to build up credibility. People like me in the community. I've recently lost weight. I have a lab golden retriever mix and I go to the dog park. He wants to fuck this guy's wife. I don't believe in crossing lines, but this one feels different.

I'm moving within the next six weeks. What should I do with thanks and go fuck yourself? Nia, I'm going to pass it over to you. You know, good and goddamn well, you need to stay away from that woman. All right. You're doing well. You lost weight. You got nice little one liners.

You know how to put people in their place. Walk away. You'll find somebody to fuck a thousand miles away where you get relocated. Okay. This is not the last piece of hot ass that you're going to come across. So relax yourself. Pat yourself on the back for the good line and the fact that you're getting attention from hot pieces of ass who are looking to take their husbands for all their worth

before they divorce them and start banging the smart ass at the dog park. Be happy for that, but you can fuck somebody else. So what you're saying is it's like when Columbus sailed over to America, which was actually down to Cuba, I believe, before he started chopping off people's hands because they couldn't find gold for his fillings. Okay. They saw branches right in the water that let them know that land was coming. Okay.

Like that was a good sign. So you're saying this, this is just a hot piece of ass floating by. Yeah. Letting them know that he's about ready to get on Pussy Island. Absolutely. Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying. That was a long way to go.

All right. So just walk away. I'm sure it's very flattering, but you already humiliated the guy. You did your work. That was a great line. What did you do? Blow them. That's fantastic.

And she's been waiting for a guy to come along to put her husband in his place and all that stuff. So yeah, good for you, but not. Don't be that guy. Walk away. All right. You'll find somebody else. I say do it. All right.

Fame. No, don't do it. You know, you're the voice of reason. Go ahead. You're absolutely right. Cause you have no idea why she wants to do that. You know, cause she might in an argument and be like, oh yeah. And you remember that guy at the dog park?

Well, I fucked him. Exactly. He was better than you. And then all of a sudden this guy sounds crazy. Why is she showing you divorce papers and like, I'm going to divorce him as soon as he gets his next bonus check, stay away from that crazy broad. Stay away from her. Good call.

She's nuts though. That's T.P. Right there. What's that? Toxic. Pussy. It is. Yeah.

All right. Fame. Dear Bill. I am an inspiring actor and have been and have been for quite some time now. I am an inspiring actor and have been for quite some time now. I am the worst. I don't know where to pause and sentences. He goes, I want good at reading out loud.

Really? What do you tell me next? I don't tan well. Your forearms do pretty good, but the rest of you is like... What do you want me to do? Walk down the street in a fucking speed over there? I went to a LaGuardia High School, a school for performing arts. It's a good school.

In pursuit to become an actor. While there, I met, I don't say names here. Jack, I don't do names on here. He goes, you may know him from a couple of movies he's in now. Because you never know what he's going to say. He was an arrogant, jerk, C, that talked about he was going to get out of high school and go straight into acting without a care in the world. You see, his father is a famous photographer for a magazine, so he already had a shoe in

to break into the industry. What's he supposed to do? Not use it? High school was a while ago and now I'm schlepping it doing student films and extra work while he's rocking a 1.2 million Instagram followers because his movie just came out. How do I not feel bitter and resentful? I know I'm not supposed to want fame as much as I do and I'm coming off really bitter and resentful, but it's just how I feel.

That's honest. Yeah, he's being honest. You can't get mad at that. This is what you do. You say God bless him and his success and you stop stalking him on the Internet. I was just about to say stop following him on Instagram. Stop worrying about what he's doing, how many followers he has. I know the movie that you're referring to did incredibly well this weekend.

Hey, let's not give it away. Let's not give it away. What was he in? Maleficent? Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Femaleficent. Femaleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Femaleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Femaleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent . Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Femaleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Femaleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Femaleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. No. Maleficent. Maleficent. Femaleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Femaleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Meraficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Alpha. Maleficent. Maleficent. REY. REY. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Femaleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Femaleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Femaleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Femaleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent.

Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. Maleficent. So this is a choice to maybe try to get through, you could maybe just get 10% of the people

onto this side rather than pushing them all. They're pushing their face and the mud. Eh you're a bad fucking person. Fuck your job. Fuck all of this. I'm not saying that this shouldn't be disciplined. This whole thing that when somebody does something like that. This person might just wrote it just thought oh, I thought this was funny that they didn't

understand. I remember a few years ago. I'm supposed to go in there and like take their hand into my hand and sit down and be like okay, now listen. Like they're my child. Now I know you thought this was funny, but this is why it's offensive. I'm supposed to do that now. No, because what you're doing is still condescending.

Now you're treating them like a child. Now this is what you did. So what are you proposing? Sitting down and talking to people. Actually having an adult. Like that shit that Mark Cuban got in trouble for was fucking horse shit. The guy was being honest. What are you talking about?

He got in trouble for being honest and he had to apologize for being honest. He was talking about the clipper's owner and what he started doing was started, he started talking about his own issues, which I thought was a really courageous thing to do where he was saying like look, you know, um, the world that we live in, he goes, when I walk down the street, if I'm walking down the street at night and I see a black guy with his hoodie up, I'm crossing the street. If I then see a white guy with the shaved head and a bunch of tattoos on his neck and blah, blah, I'm crossing the street again.

Where he fucked up was he said the hoodie thing, which made everybody think he'd crave on. Yeah. But what he was saying was, was the beginning of this unbelievable fucking conversation that never happens in the media. It all is the person says the fucking thing, then they get in trouble, they lose their fucking job and then they disappear. And then that's it.

And everybody learned all they, all you learn is, Oh, don't say that on television. Like this whole elimination of words. Like if we eliminate the word, like, but people don't think, like you're not going to think shit. Oh, I would think that, that's racial slur. But now that I can't say it, I don't think those thoughts. It's fucking, I don't know if it's childish or like moronic. I understand it where people don't want to see that or hear it on television, but you're

not helping the problem with what you're actually doing, checks and balances system when this app's a fucking lily. But I think what we're doing doesn't fucking work. Go on the internet, Nia, and look at the, look at the level of this type of shit out there. It's fucking off the charts. Yeah, I know. All right.

So what you're doing when you eliminate these words and you have all these fucking fire the person and all that, which, which if you have half a fucking brain, you just learn, okay, don't say this, don't say that, don't say that. And then what you can basically do is you can safely get across the minefield without blowing yourself up now while you still think all that ignorant shit, while you still won't hire this person, while you still won't associate with this person, while you still feel this way, while you still stand in your ground, you can get through all of that, that entire fucking maze because through watching through this simple game of these are the words you

don't fucking say, these are the words you can say, all of that horseshit, it doesn't change anything that's in your heart. That's all cerebral. These are good words. These are bad words. And you can still have all of that awful shit in your heart and not to mention everybody has fucked up. Everybody has fucking issues.

Everybody has issues. They do. You make a lot of good points. Those people who say, I don't make a lot of good points. Those people who say, I don't see color are fucking full of shit. I hate when people say that. I hate when people say that. Yeah.

What are you, Nia? You Asian? I can't tell. I don't, I don't see color. It's ridiculous when people say that. No, I agree with that. No. You can't be American.

You can't be racist. You can't have any racist thoughts. It's also bullshit. Yeah. It's also bullshit. I, I, at night, when I'm at night, I used to do a bit of my act that everybody at night is fucking racist because you're scared and you're trying to get to your fucking car. So whatever you see, you think the worst of.

Can I also just say that I think it's- Which goes back to that Mark Cuban point when he's talking about walking up- I was just about to bring it up because I think, can I also just say that I think it's hilarious that anyone would think that Mark Cuban walks down the street anywhere if he's not being like chauffeur in a Maybach or like flying in a private plane? Like Mark Cuban, when was the last time you walked down the street and we're scared anywhere? No, he's a cool guy. He's a cool guy.

He's come out to a couple comedy shows. He just walks in the back. He hangs in the back. Come on. You know him. I, I do- Do you see him on TV? I have seen, I've, I've seen him in a club.

Where's a T-shirt? In Vegas. He's got the bed head. I've seen, yes. I've seen Mark Cuban. You saw him in a club in Vegas? Yep. Was that the time I was there?

Nope. The fuck did you go to Vegas with Mark Cuban? I didn't go to Vegas with Mark Cuban. Did he fly you in? No. Coach? No. First, if you flew your first class, I'm gonna fucking have to-

What are you doing? I have her trained. If Mark Cuban is not in the plane anywhere, like I'm in the plane. Alright? I'm not- Anyway, no. It's not, it's not the point. Alright.

Can I answer this dilemma? Mark Cuban is not the point. Alright? Yeah. What's, what's the dilemma? Oh, are you actually going to like go back and answer this question? A daughter who's a hoe or a gay son who's a hoe? Yeah.

I'll answer this question. Is this sexist homophobic question? After all that- Well, but what he's getting out there is- What is he getting out there? I like how you're just somehow able to see like the nuance and like the lesson that we're supposed to learn from this ridiculous question. Well, if you get off your fucking high horse, what he's getting out there is the amount

of people that say they're not homophobic, but wouldn't want to have a gay son. Is that- What's that? Is that what's happening? Yeah. He's comparing having a daughter who's a whore to having a gay son, like that's the same thing. And then he's also a whore.

You know? So it's like to me, this is like the thing I can't get mad at this is the honesty. What's the matter? What do you point at? I hear something coming out from here. Yeah. Oh, how long has that been going on? I don't know.

Ah, fuck. Why don't- Why isn't there just like a daughter who's a hoe or a son who's a whore? Why is that a man? Is that the whore you're making? No, because if a guy is a whore, he's considered like a stud. Right. So he doesn't even enter the equation.

Which is right, by the way. This is why- Which is right, by the way. Which is right, what? First of all, hold the mic up. Which is right, what? If a guy, if your son is going out there crushing it, he's a stud. And if your daughter is going out there crushing it, she's also a stud.

No, she's not. No, she is. No, she isn't. This is what I'm talking about. This question is so fucking offensive. It's so offensive. Can I tell you what? A daughter who's a hoe or a gay son who's also a hoe.

Like, fuck you. Well, what if he's like 20, 19, he's a kid. I don't care. I would say the exact same thing if I had my 19 or 20 year old son. I'll be like, fuck you. All right, all right. You don't talk like that. You don't talk like that.

Listen to me. I'll tell you why. The son crushing it. This is an old bit of mine. And I'm going to do it for you here in the pocket because it takes skill as a guy to get laid. Oh, here it is. Here it is. You just exist as a woman and you can get laid.

Is that what it is? And so men should be applauded for their ability to stick it in a girl. Congratulations, men of the world. You got laid. You know what this is, people? You know what this is? Hooray for you. You know what this is?

And because you're able to somehow convince a woman to have sex with you. Wow, you're a real fucking Don Juan over there. This is it. Now, just how hard it is for me to talk to you, to even get a word in on this podcast. Now imagine I'm trying to fuck you. That's what it is. And I remember a long time ago when I was talking to you, I said, okay, let's switch to fuck. Let's turn the tables.

You were talking about the dumb shit that guys say to you in a bar. And I said, all right, let's turn the tables. Let's say I have control of my fucking sexuality. Right? That's actually my sexual. I don't know who I like. Some days. You do have control over your sexuality.

Yes, I do. Thank you. Snap to the north and to the south. 12 and six, honey. Oh, no. No. What if, like, what was the scenario? I said, if I had control of my sex drive and you didn't, and I said for you to come in

and start hitting on me, and you know what? You were fucking awful. I was awful. You were awful. And then the greatest line ever was I just sat there going like, yeah, whatever. And I was just doing all that type and you go, you're making this difficult on purpose. And I said, yeah, welcome to my world. And that's what it was.

Oh, so hard to be a guy. I'm not saying it's hard to be a guy. I'm saying in that situation. First of all, that's the entire thing. That's what all feminism is based in. It's difficult to be a woman and your fucking equation. The feminist equation is basic. It's like, what, okay, lying in a bed, it's easier for a guy to lie on a mattress.

You know nothing about feminism. You know nothing. So for you to sit here and try to act like you know what feminism is and what it means, you need to just stop. All right. Then I'll be more general. Women complaining. It's harder for a woman to lose weight.

It's harder for us to sit in a chair. It's harder for us. You don't need to speak about things that you don't know anything about, but I realize that hasn't stopped you before. You've been interrupting me for a fucking half an hour going on. You're writing me on the podcast. So what do you want from me? You want me to just sit here and be like, uh-huh.

I thought you were going to be an adult. I thought I was being an adult. I thought we're having an adult conversation. You weren't being an adult. You were fucking talking over me. I'm the blowhard. Welcome to my world. Oh, touche.

This is why it works between us. No. Shut up. You know something? I'm so pissed I made you those cups. You know, I should have made those things, right? Brought them in here. Oh, it's so sweet.

Just mush them right in your face. How would you like that, Nia? Why are you recalling like an old bit of yours? Is that an old bit? Yes, it is. What bit? What's that one? It's kind of a play on the punching the muffins bit.

What's a muffins? This is a totally different bit. I feel like comedians like bitching over a joke. Mine's different. Mine are cupcakes. Right, okay. Are you actually going to finish that Gatorade? You're going to leave one swallow and stick it in the refrigerator.

Fucking weirdo. You have like fucking 15 things in the refrigerator that'll have one bite or one sip left. I know. I know. It's ridiculous. I don't know. I just...

Why don't you go stick another miso soup in there? Till the fucking tapioca, whatever fucking tofu turns green. I know. I don't know why I don't just finish it. No, you don't. You know what? You finish the cheese. Anytime I fucking get those nice fucking slices of cheese to my salami sandwich,

I maybe get one sandwich with cheese on it. And then I come back and I'm like, Fuck us all the cheese. Yeah. And then you put on your, Oh, I did something wrong. So I'm going to make a cute face now. I told you, you can't have cheese in the house with me.

All right. Can we answer this question, Nia? Nia, what would you rather have? Would you rather have a daughter who's a hoe or a gay son who's also a hoe? I would rather not have a child that would even ask questions like this. That's not an option. It's either or. Nope.

Not answering. Oh, you're taking your ball and you're going home. That's right. Why don't you answer with them? I know what you're going to say. I'd rather have a gay son. I knew it. Because at least he's a guy getting something.

He's out there crushing it. He's out there crushing it. More on why both you and this person asked this question. What are you talking about? Having a gay son would be great. First of all, he could teach you how to keep your abs well into your 50s. As long as he's out there practicing safe sex. Right?

I'm assuming that he's a top. Oh, because you're a gay son. If I have a gay son, he's going to be a top. If he's gay, you want him to be a top. That's actually a funny line for a fucking character in a movie. My son's gay. He's a top. Yeah, but he's a top.

He's a top. So he's still crushing it. Right. Ridiculous. This is like in shoe detective when Woody Harrell since character when his like chickens come home to roost so to speak. And his daughter is caught with the two guys in the car and he starts freaking out at her and saying like what's it like being the captain of the varsity slut team or whatever. And he's out there whoring around like constantly. This is like the exact same scenario.

How? Where he feels like he's entitled to do all this shit to fuck all the women that he wants to and can. And yeah, when his daughter is doing the same thing, he's freaking out at her and she's getting like grounded. There's no skill involved. There is no skill involved. It has nothing to do with skill. It is. You don't have to talk.

You don't have to convince a guy to fuck you. Like it's a sport. What do you have to do? What do you have to do? What do you have to do? Show a little leg. Yeah, I come in with my red chest there. You think I'm beating them off me?

I'm not. I got to put on my gloves. I got to put on my big boy pants and come up with an open line. You're a performer who's out on stage. Don't try to act like it's so hard for you to get laid. Okay. Don't don't perpetrate this myth that it's so difficult for you. You're actually perpetrating a myth for all of you people aspiring comedians or entertainers.

If you want the easy pussy, Eddie Murphy did it a long time ago. All you do have to do is sing. Comedians get laid left and right. They get laid left and right, no matter how ridiculous douchebag and dirtbag they are. But here's the thing. Here's the thing though. They get laid left and right. Here's the thing, Nia.

Comedy groupies are lining up at the... Comedy groupies! There are comedy groupies. There are comedy groupies. There are comedy groupies. Oh my God. When do they show up when you're finally playing a stadium? You go down to a coffee house with a fucking ukulele.

Okay? And somebody's blowing it. You know what? When your fucking sets over. Talk about tiny sim. No, no. When your fucking sets over, you don't have to keep playing the ukulele. As a comedian, you're funny on stage.

When you get off, you got to keep fucking... You got to keep the plates spinning. Yeah, you have to still be an entertaining person in order to be considered worthwhile. That's everyone's issue. No, no, no. No. But you can be some mopey coffee house guy. All the leaves are brown and the sky is gray.

Right? And then get off the stage and just sit there with your shoulder slump and they want to take care of you. Next thing you know, they're buying your groceries. You never heard the guns and roses? They had like a whole fucking... They had a whole harem of fucking chicks paying for their shit. Why? Because those guys seem helpless in any way, shape, or form.

Did Axl Rose come off? Borrowing their bracelets? Did Axl Rose come off as helpless and slash? Helpless? Does anyone look at those guys as like, oh, they need a mommy? I don't fucking know. I don't know. I'm just saying though, just don't put it out there that you're going to become a comedian.

There's certain... You can't get laid. There's certain comics. You have to be a good comedian. Let's put it that way. No, but there's also like... Be funny. Yeah, Nia.

Believe me, Nia. Believe me. I have not had the groupies. Trust me. I have a bunch of meathead guys who come out to my show and the occasional psychotic woman. Okay. Lately, I've been turning the corner a little bit, but I got to tell you, like they... For a while though, you did have kind of the crazy chicks that were coming up to you afterwards.

You did have a good period of that. Well, yeah, because I was an angry... Believe it or not, people, I was actually way more angry on stage the other day, so I think I scared a lot of them away. But no, I found like... Except me. This is the deal. This is what I found with...

As a fucking male comic. If you do want to get laid after the shows, I found the comics who talk about sex a lot. You know? And then also, then there's the other ones who have like that slumber party energy. Mm-hmm. You know that? Oh my God, you guys! If you have like that vibe as a straight dude, that you're pretty much in there.

Right. You're pretty much in there. But the rest of us... The rest of us. Yeah. You still got... You got to kind of... It's annoying.

I actually... Do you actually have to like work at it and like, you know... Oh God, you're so arrogant. What's the last time you paid for a fucking drink? What are you coming off of this? Oh, well, do you really have to work? Yeah, I bust my fucking ass. Excuse me, when's the last time I paid for a drink?

Yes. I've been talking about since I've been with you. Yes. Because ten years. Yes. Yeah. Otherwise, if I'm not with you and I'm out, I buy my own drinks. Yeah.

Thank you very much. Oh, every woman's a hero in their stories. You are your maid. You guys are all here. I will buy and pay for stuff. Oh, the lady's independent. You fucking throw your hands up. But then when the divorce happens, I'm just a girl.

Ah. You know what? I really hate how you talk like... You know something? You're some bitter divorce guy that's gone through the ringer when it hasn't even fucking happened to you. Well, it's happened to a lot of my friends. Yeah, and so therefore it's happened to you, right?

So you're the expert to talk about it. I never said it happened to me. About when people go through a divorce. That's good. When did I say that happened to me? You act like it's happened to you. The way you talk about divorce and this and that and how women do this and women do that and how come they never talk about it?

You never hear them talk about it. You don't. Well, here's something for you. If I can only... Here's something for your ass. If I can only talk about what I've actually done... That would make you... That would be like...

I'd be half like eight subjects. I mean, what do I do? I tell fucking jokes. I go to the airport. You know? So then what? You can talk about a whole bunch of subjects that you've maybe read up on or no people have talked about.

You do went off on the whole gay thing. You're not gay. No, I'm not. So where do you get off telling me what subjects I can and can't talk about? Touche. Huh? Oh, that's even. A touche to a touche.

Are we going to end on a tie? Let's end on a tie. Let's end on a tie. Aw, we had a happy ending everybody. All right. That's the podcast for this week. That's it. Please, if anybody, if you're in the Atlanta area, we got a couple more rows to sell at

the Tabernacle for my next special on June 20th. And what else? What else? What else? What else? All things comedy and that type of thing. My podcast network. No, I want to say something, but I don't want to say, you know, everybody knows what the

fuck happened this week and I'm really shook up about it and I don't know what. I get keep getting conflicting reports and that type of thing and I feel just keep everything going. Yeah, yeah. And I don't, I don't like, I don't like doing that because then they fucking, they, they, you know, and so and so had this to say and it becomes like a fucking, a career move. Let me get more Twitter followers because if somebody else is fucking tragic night, so people that you know, so it's not, it's not bullshit though.

It's sincere. Exactly. All right. Okay. That's the podcast for this week. I'll talk to you. Some people say the metaverse will only be virtual, but one day firefighters will use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings faster, saving crucial seconds when lives are at risk.

Doctors will use the metaverse to visualize scans and make quicker decisions in A and E and though woolly mammoths are extinct in the metaverse, students will go back to the ice age to visit them. The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real. Learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact.