Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-1-13

Episode Date: July 1, 2013

Bill rambles about the Blackhawks "Thank you" letter to the Bruins, what to do after divorce, and the Conan O'Brien Show.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, July 1st, 2013. Oh my God, is it July already? I feel like the summer's going by and I haven't even put on a strapless yet. Oh, have another fucking, have another vodka and fucking something stupid drink. All right. Now why are all the wires tangled up? This is no way to start a podcast. What's going on? Jesus fucking Christ. Isn't this amazing just how fucking tangled up some shit can get? You know, how do snakes do it? It's going around. They're basically like a fucking mic wire, aren't they? They could kill you. Some of them. Sorry, I'm just gonna do this fucking. Is this any way to start a podcast? Is it putting a fucking

windscreen back on it? I use a windscreen inside. All right. So if you're new to my podcast, that's the level of intelligence that you're going to be dealing with. Do you think as a snake, right? If you're not poisonous, that's got to be like sucking at sports, you know, for a human being and you go into gym class, what exactly do you do if you're a non poisonous snake? I mean, you can't fucking grab anybody because you ain't got no arms. What do you do? What does it gardeners, gardener snake or is it gardener? Oh, Jesus. How the fuck does a non poisonous snake eat? It just has to eat shit alive. Just, you know, shit that isn't tougher than it. And it's just got to lash out at it. Just ah, is the fucking thing squirming around? God with life. You know,

and I tell you, you got to commend the gardener or gardener or gardener, James Garner snake, you really have to commend them for the for their attitudes like you meet them. They're not, they're not really bad people. You know what I think I'm going to do? I think I'm going to write a thank you letter and I'm going to put it in the fucking gardener snake, gardener snake, whatever the fuck it is newspaper and just thank them. You know, just try and shine a little light on the snake and then I'm going to sign it myself. Dude, what's the, I really have to fucking address this right out of the gate. I used to like the Blackhawks organization. I sat there through six fucking games watching that phenomenal team basically kick the Bruins ass. I mean, we, I mean,

they beat us in six games and I know they weren't blow up games, but still, you know, they just were better than us. And here I am coming to the acceptance that we were two games short, that we were two games to one up, you know, three games in all we got to do is split the next two and we went it and we fucking we never went another game. Lost three games in a row. That's fucking tough. And then that ends NBA is over. And now I have to somehow come out of the high paced level of NHL hockey and excitement, the NBA finals to like the dog days of summer baseball high and inside ball too. Dandy day for a ball game. You're in town come down this Saturday. This Saturday is a hat with the propeller on it day. First 40 douchebags that show up get one

of these. I don't know why you'd want one, but they're free. So you know, people are going to come anytime it's free. All the fatty show up. So I'm sitting here trying, you know, all right, but it's a great thing. You know, we're competitive. We got a great team. We got a great base that we can build on who knows maybe next year, right? So I'm starting the healing process of it. And what are these cunts do the Chicago blackouts, they take out a full page ad in like the fucking Boston globe. And this is the best part. Rather than just saying, Oh, by the way, in case you forgot, we kicked your ass in the Stanley Cup finals. These fucking cunts have the nerve to write a thank you letter to the Boston Bruins

organization. And to all there, this is the greatest thing ever classy fans. It was one of the biggest douchebag douche chill inducing events in sports. I sense I don't know when, since maybe LeBron James, the decision, can you fucking believe that? First of all, first of all, let's just act like this was sincere. And this was not grandstanding by the Chicago blackcocks organization to just shine a light on them. So everyone's going to be like, gee, why aren't those guys classy? Isn't that swell? Because that's basically all that letter achieved. Okay, I don't want to speak for the entire Bruins fan base, but we don't need a fucking pat on the head telling us we're classy. But you fucking brought eating cunts out there

with your Freddie Mercury mustaches. The fuck do you think we need that for? We played a seven game series. It only went six. You were the better team. Our team shook hands with your team. And was it classy thing? Do you fucking believe the balls on those fucking black cock cunts? Can you believe? First of all, I want you to find an article out there. Because I know all the black cock fans were like, it was a classy move. They were they were saying, thanks to the Bruins, they didn't have to do that. Let me ask you fat, open heart surgery cunts out there. Huh? Every nine out of 10 people out in Chicago have that zipper scar right up the middle of their fat fucking torsos. All right. And I was nice to them. The whole fucking playoffs

playoffs. All right, dude, I want you to find one fucking article out there about the black hawks thanking the Bruins. That actually has the writer then talking about like, wow, what a great organization the Bruins are. Man, their fans are so classy. The black hawks actually had to address it a week after the series was over. What is it about the Bruins organization that makes them so classy, Marv? Well, I got to tell you ever since the days of I want you to find one of those articles because I'll tell you there's not one. All that letter of apology did was facilitate more fucking praise for the black hawks like, well, you can't believe these guys. I mean, they, they, they, they, they, they win the,

the Stanley Cup at the, they just, they, they have the attestable for a lot of that fucking horseshit just heaping more fucking praise on them. It was actually, it was a brilliant move by them. You know what I mean? You know what it looked like? Like that. They looked like they were drunk texting like they won the Stanley Cup and they had so much booze. They get to that point right before you pass out where you're just thinking of all the great people in your life and you want to start crying. So you start calling people up, call your buddy up who doesn't have a drinking problem like two in the morning. He's freaking out that is fucking something happened to his mom, you know, she fall down again, picks up from like, huh, huh? Hey, it's me, Mark. I just want to tell

you, you know, look, I'm drunk. I'm not drunk, but I just want to thank you, you know, for being my friend, man. That's what the fuck they did. So that letter of apology is a fucking embarrassment to hockey. And if this starts a trend where every year, I swear to God, next year, somebody's going to win and they're going to be like, well, no, now we have to write a letter of thanks. Can you fuck it? They wrote a letter of thanks telling how classy Bruins fans are. Can you just take that in for a second? I'm actually going to wait five minutes of silence to wait for Montreal Canadian fans to stop fucking rolling on the ground laughing. Okay, you're back. You blue blockade douches up there, right? I've been watching the Bruins since

the early 80s. I'm going on 30 years of being a fan. Never has anyone ever even remotely suggested that Bruins fans are classy. We're a bunch of fucking animals. Now I left, I left Massachusetts in 1995. Okay, so there is a disconnect to me with that city. But do you remember last year when the Bruins got knocked out of the playoffs playoffs, we lost in overtime and that dude Ward, forget his first name, scored for the Washington capitals. And unfortunately the dude was African American and he beat the Bruins and literally like an eighth of our fan base went on Twitter and started dropping the N word like it was 1938. You know, I don't know why I picked 1938. You know what I mean? And somehow within a fucking year

we are so goddamn classy that the Chicago Blackhawks have to take time off from drinking out of that cup that you know, fucking Chara took a shit in it. Right? I hope he did. They had to take time out to see how classy we are. Now either the Chicago Blackhawks are the biggest bunch of fucking morons ever, which there's no way they are because they won it three years ago, completely dismantled their team and was, were able to build it back up again like the fucking moans. Right? Or the Chicago Blackhawks in the city of Chicago is so fucking racist that even that absolute public relations debacle of last fucking year, that absolute embarrassment that made me feel shameful that I was from

that fucking city is so pale, so in comparison to the unbelievable fucking level of racism in Chicago that they didn't even notice it. You know, I bet this is how racist Chicago is. I bet last year when they saw some Bruins fans reaction towards scoring that goal that they are so fucking racist that that actually warmed their heart a little bit and they probably already penned the first draft of that thank you fucking letter. I don't know if you have been to Chicago, but it is brutally fucking racist, you know, as is Boston, but we somehow we get all the fucking attention about it. Like the racism is in the South and it's in Boston, you know, like they don't go to Pittsburgh where the other side of the tracks is literally the other side

of railroad tracks. You literally walk across railroad tracks and instantly you're the only white person on that side of the tracks. Anyways, that was, you know, I still like the Blackhawks, but if you think I fell for that on any fucking level, that letter of apology. Do you remember earlier this year where Jerome McGillna had the choice of maybe going to the Boston Bruins or maybe going to the Pittsburgh Penguins, you know, and it was a close decision and he decided to go to Pittsburgh. Wouldn't you think that maybe that horrific reaction that Bruins some Bruins fans, to be fair, had after losing last year, maybe tipped the scale because you got two great teams, you know, I know a lot of people. Well, I guess Pittsburgh's fucking racist too,

but they never, they never get a, they never get it. They don't get any press on it. You know, all they talk about there is they use as hard work in steel town that there's no steel mills anymore and anybody who had balls and made steel and built the bridges is at least in their 80s at this point. So it's a bunch of button pushing computer cunts downtown at this point, but they still wear hard hats to the game. I'm sorry, people like that, that fucking look the end of the day, all that letter of apology did was just heat more praise on the Blackhawks. It was the Ron Burgundy moment. I look good. I mean, really good. Hey, everyone, come and see how good I look. That's what they did.

So let me tell you something. Chicago Blackhawks organization and your entire fan base, you can take your fucking thank you. You're a whatever the fuck that was that letter you wrote from summer camp. You can fucking crumble it up. How did, how did the rock used to do that and shove it straight up your candy? Yes. Please don't ever do that again. Other, if any other organizations are listening to this, please don't do that, that, that fucking just please don't do it. It was such a great finals to original six teams. One of my favorite moments of the playoffs was when that whatever that, that, that cunt that I respect that passed on Chicago was holding up. He's holding up the fucking Stanley cup and he's still bleeding from the series.

Even in boxing, they stopped the fucking blood. You know, they got some guy there pressing down on it with that fucking that compressed thing. He's got his gloves and shit and it's just talking guys fucking bleeding and like it doesn't even, you know, wait, I guess UFC, UFC, they could be bleeding pretty bad. I'm just one look, you have to go to literally sports where they're beating the shit out of each other. And by the way, to all you fucking non hockey fans who still think it's the slap shot era, there was not one fight the entire series was phenomenal for all you fucking pansies out there, you know, sitting in your Afghans while wearing aprons who wait for Olympic hockey and then lie to true hockey fans going, you know, if this is the way hockey was, you know,

I would watch it. No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't because that is the way it is. You fucking idiot. Those are all NHL players in the fucking game, you asshole. Oh, I am on a tear this week. So there you go. Fuck you, Chicago. Congratulations. Congrats. You know what I should do? Hey, why don't we have a donation thing here? Everybody fucking donates money to the Monday morning podcast. And I'm going to put I'm going to buy out some ad space in the Chicago tribute and write a thank you letter for the thank you letter so I can see somehow what a classy podcast. I know he says cunt every other word. I know he can't read out loud. But this is just a decade of fucking losers. Oh, douche chills. I got halfway through the letter and I had to stop reading.

I had to just stop. It was like, it was like, it was like eating lemons. And there's no fucking way. How do you not know how cunt do you fucking move that is? It's actually hilarious. If that's how they meant it to just, Hey, you know what, I bet they're just starting to get over losing in the finals. Let's fucking remind them. You know what it's like? It's like when you break up with some chick, right? And it's like they women have that sixth sense when they can tell you start to have good days and you get in past them. So they fucking call you up and just mind fuck you all over again. All right, I'm done. I still can't hate the Blackhawks because I fucking I've always liked that team and I've always loved that uniform. But Jesus, that is a fucking it's I don't know what to tell

you. They already traded Dave Bowling. Can you believe that? He's fucking guys getting draft picks. You're going to trade a fucking guy. You're going to trade a guy with ice water in his veins at the most crucial moment in the season. He's just such a fucking great player. I think I think the Maple Leafs got a fucking steal and I think they learned something with that that Oh, wait a minute. Now they've always been doing. They got Phil Kessel and they gave us a bunch of draft picks, but we drafted well. All right, just wait, strike all of that. But I think I think the Maple Leafs got a lot better and the Blackhawks got a lot worse. I am not a big fan of draft picks like, Hey, let's take this proven guy. Dude, Dave Bowling, he's one of those guys. He's one of

those guys. Those are the guys that when you're the fucking cup, you know, everybody always looks at the stars and all it's those fucking those fucking guys like him. We just come in and fucking knock your stick off the puck and all of a sudden he's got the puck right over the slot and then the big fucking shiny superstar scores those fucking guys in the corner. I'm telling you, I wish the Bruins got him. You know, I'm going to write a letter of thank you to the Chicago Blackhawks for getting rid of one of their best players. Oh, Blackhawks. Thanks Bruins city of Boston in open letter. Okay. So basically this article, this is in a Toronto. They say the Chicago Blackhawks penned a full page open thank you

letter to the Boston Bruins in the city of Boston Friday, just four days after beating the Bruins to win the Stanley Cup. It's signed by, you know, they have like guys, so they basically quote the entire thank you. And then the last paragraph, it's got to be about the Bruins, right? It's got to be because they're so fucking classy, right? No, it goes, it was a classy way for the Hawks to wrap up a season that culminated with their second cup in four years. Chicago won the best, the best of seven series, four to two after gutting out a three, two comeback from behind winning game six Monday in Boston. See what I'm saying? That's how all of them were. There was nothing about the Bruins and had all to do with Chicago. You fucking, that was like a

chick move. I got to give you that was definitely, uh, that makes it even worse. We lost to a bunch of broads. Oh my God. Dude, that was right up there. That thank you. I'm going to just keep going on this thing. That fucking thank you letter was right up there with Sally Field going, you like me? You really like me? You know those moments where you're like, Oh God, you know, that big drunk woman who married the fucking old guy. Do you like my body? Oh, getting uncomfortable just thinking about it. Gross fucking gross Chicago. That letter was fucking gross. And if this was the intention to make me feel this way, then hats off to you. I'll buy you fucking a round of drinks, the whole city. I'll buy

you fucking round of drinks. If this is what you wanted to achieve, that letter was worse than losing the fucking series. That's how bad it was. Oh, all right. Did I get it all out of me? I don't know. I don't know. Um, what the fuck do we go from here? Ah, let's just, just just dive right into it. So I've been keeping up on this Snowden thing, trying to see where this guy's going to land. I'm rooting for him. I don't know about you guys. And I'm sick of people talking about him like he's a fucking rat. I think the guy, I think he's a hero. You know, there should be more whistle blowers. This is just an unbelievable fucking amount of power to give anybody. They got a great article, the whole who's watching the watchers. You know what I mean? Dude, this is like what this

guy was working on that I've basically glanced over in articles because once I get intimidated by how long shit is, I have to stop reading. Um, what this guy is fucking working on, you have to understand that like that's a game set and match. They don't even have to whack people anymore. They don't. If they just have every fucking thing you ever did and ever said on the phone text, it's fucking over. It's fucking over. Look at me. What, what office could I run for? Let's just say I didn't do a podcast, but you guys know my sense of humor. All right. How arrogant was that? You guys know me. I'm a fucking loose cannon. What a douchebag. Um, anyways, I'm rooting for this fucking guy. Right now he's looking to land,

I believe in Ecuador, which is really hard when even everybody down to my level knows where the fuck he's trying to go. I think this kid's heart was in the right place and I think he saw what he was building. He saw it for what it was as much as it could stop terrorism. It also gave a bunch of fucking potential sociopaths and ability to build up or absolutely fucking destroy anybody that they wanted to. And, um, you know, that's just a, uh, it's too much power. If you, if you look around the world, the amount of places right now where people are protesting, because they are absolutely sick of the people in power and how they're running things, you know, can you imagine being in that situation?

Like just having a fucking dictator and the guys, you know, kidnapping and raping and just gassing your own fucking people. Just imagine being in that fucking situation. Like that's, you know, when your life starts, that's what's going on in your country and you got to spend your whole fucking life trying to topple that. And now you can have something in place like this where I mean, you know, you, everybody's got to try to like start an entire revolution by talking, you know, sitting there with their hands over their mouth, like Joe Pesci and DeNiro and casino. You know, I think that Arab spring, they saw it for what it was. It's like, Jesus Christ, these fucking guys, these guys, look out, look, look, look what can happen with

these social networks now. I saw a thing over in Bahrain or something. These people go to prison for criticizing the king. First of all, you shouldn't have a fucking king this day and age, you know, a king, how old are you? Grow up, get a fucking job, right? So people tweet, hey, I think the king's a bit of a cunt and they go to jail for a year. I might be paranoid, but I think this is the road we're going down. You know, Jesus, Bill, you're in way over your head. I know I am, but it's fun. That's what this section is every, every fucking week now when I, when I do world, when I do world politics, not discuss them, not read about them when I do them. No, seriously, I'm rooting for that guy, you know, and I'm a paranoid fucking psychopath. So take it

for what it is. But you know, I see how the average douchebag, you just, he goes from nobody to being a bouncer in a club, nine out of 10 people, human beings can't even handle that level of power, and they become a dick, you know, the next thing you know, they're trying to finagle fucking blowjobs out of girls dressed like whores for whatever particular reason, just so they can get in this club and go in there and damage their hearing and possibly get herpes, right? Isn't that the club scene, man? All right, two advertisers this week, everybody's settling, two advertisers that are going to change your life and how you feel about it. E voice, everyone. All right, look, having your own receptionist would be great. Hell, it even be phenomenal,

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the 170s, because that's how I do it. You know, I don't know about you guys, but there's no goal in my life that includes me wanting to be a fucking lard ass. I just don't want to do it. You know, be that guy bending over to tie his shoes like fucking head turning all red. You know, I don't want to do that. I'm going to be that guy rolling over on my woman, right? She can't even breathe. She's got to get on top of me. I still want to fucking do that, you know, pushing my gut up towards my face so she could find my dick. I don't want to be that guy. This is like a testimonial. So I've been eating pretty much as good as I can as far as like knowing what's bad for me and sort of knowing something about what's good about about food for

me. Good about food, you know, trying to eat the right foods. Just just just just bear with me, people. All right, I'm not a smart man. Okay, half the reason why I do this podcast gives a fuck. I do this podcast to promote me and all my stand up gigs. But one of the unintentional upsides to this podcast is it really has to make you feel better about yourselves. Certainly you're reading you're reading out loud skills. Did you hear the particular moment where I started mind fucking myself during the E voice read? But did you notice how I went Dave Bowling? And I fucking collected myself and then I delivered during Hulu Plus. Did you notice that? Anyways, what the hell am I talking about? So I've been trying to work out here.

Been going on hikes. And each day I go in a little bit longer of a hike. And these are the real hot months that I wasn't even thinking. And I brought my dog out and went on this long hike. And you know, I brought her water and all that type of stuff, but I didn't know a dog could get a sunburn. I know, I know, I just made a great podcast. Now you're all going, Oh, she's fine. But the top of her nose, she has little flakes on it. I feel fucking horrible, horrible. And then I think she was walking on the dirt for too long and it was hot like she was walking real gingerly last night. So she had a flaky nose and she had a little tender pause. Do you know what it's like to see a jacked pit bull going? Is it's walking down the fucking

street and not complaining? Still wagging its tail? I feel fucking horrible. So this morning, I literally carry my dog like a baby out to the grass. And I let it do its thing. And I carry it fucking back. And one of my neighbors like, Oh, what happened to your dog? And I'm like, Oh, you know, I couldn't be like, I'm a terrible person. That's what happened because of my own vanity. You know, because I don't want to have a head the size of a mini keg. I took my dog on too long of a fucking walk. You know, I'll tell you what's great about a fucking dog is that right now, if I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk, like her head would pop up. She'd absolutely freak out and she'd tough it out again, because that's the level of loyalty that a dog has, the

kind of loyalty that a cat would never have. You know, Jesus, you're going to do dog and cat material. What is it? The 80s? Why don't you go upstairs and go put on a blazer, pull up your fucking sleeves to the elbow, get some hair extensions so you can actually grow a fucking mullet and compare the two. Yes, I feel fucking horrible, but I haven't losing weight, everybody. My goal, I want to get down to about a buck 68, but I want to be fucking shredded. Just one more time. I want to do it all. Do it to me one more time. Give me fucking as before I go completely bald. I want chicks to look at me and like my freckled stomach. Just one more fucking time. Oh, I haven't had abs since the early 90s. Sorry.

You know, sometimes when I'm in a fucking silly mood, I like to come out on stage to that song, the captain, it's Neil, like the second show on a Saturday night. Do that to me one more time. It just puts everybody in a silly goofy mood. I start dancing around like an idiot. Girls put their head on somebody's shoulder. You know, girls do that shit when they just see somebody enjoying life and they just go, I want to enjoy life too. They just put their head on their shoulder. All right. Put your head on my shoulder. Wipe your makeup off on my shirt. It will never come out. You selfish lady, lady. All right, let's get to some sort of, oh, this is kind of weird, you know, because I'm trying to learn the all the capitals.

I can go from fucking Rickovic Iceland, however the fuck you pronounce it, all the way over to the Philippines at this point. It's great. Now I kind of like know where they are. I always get like Asia was a Middle East was rough. And you think about how many times we've gone over there and we bomb shit that I would kind of start to look at the other fucking the other countries around there, but you just don't, you know, you know what it is is wherever you live, that's what you know. Gee, Bill, that was really deep. You got any more fucking where you live? Well, you know, I'm such a fucking moron. Why do you listen to this? Huh? No, you know, wherever you are, you just sit there and you watch the weather and they'll

have at least in the United States of America, America, white America. What the fuck? Who did that one? That's one of those songs. I listened to like two seconds of it. Oh, by the way, is there a white L sharp then out there that I can call for being offended? I watched that devious maids last night because I was just, I just got to see how they're going to get five years out of that absolutely horrific fucking premise. And if you can just see how they make the fucking the white characters on that show, I swear to God, it's the fuck you got to watch it. All right, devious maids, put that on your to watch list. You have to watch the white characters on that show. It's fucking hilarious. They make them so cartoonishly evil. Like,

what are the maids? All the maids are Latino. The whole fucking show really, if you look at stereotypes is probably pretty fucking annoying. So all the maids are Latino, right? They're working for these fucking rich white people. I think they had one Latino couple just to fucking level it off. Just beyond evil white people. So this one of them's like a movie star and she needs to get a facial. And her Latino maid is kind of say Latino one more time. Her fucking maid is crying. Because she's trying to get a kid up from like Honduras or whatever the fuck they're from. But they're dead. Dad died. It's basically good times set in Central America. You know, damn, damn, damn. However you say, damn. It's Spanish.

Anyway, so she's sitting there crying because she wants to get a kid up there and the fucking white lady is listening and you're seeing emotions on her face. You think, oh, finally, they're gonna actually show that a white person can have a heart on this show. And then the person, she just goes like, yeah. So where's the father? And she's dead. And she's just like, oh, okay, well, I can't give you time off to reach out to your kid because I have to get a facial. Oh, it's a fucking phenomenal show. Me out, everybody. Me fucking yeah. And I know that there's a bunch of morons watching the show, you know, from the Latin community going, see, that's how white people are. They don't take care of their kids. They're all rich and they're all

getting faith, not saying every Latino person, but I know a good certain percentage. You know what? White people deserve it then because we've been doing that forever, right? It's about time the stereotypes and the ignorance came back around to our neck of the woods. You know what? Good on you. Good on you, horny housemaids of the fucking OC, whatever the fuck, it's called devious housemaids. They're devious, everybody. You fucking pay attention when they do that turn down service. You don't know what they're liable to do, those devious maids. Anyway, so let's go. Also anyways, I've been trying to keep up on, you know, learning the capitals and knowing where shit is. Like all these years to listen to fucking Bob Seeger

singing about Cat Man Do. I didn't even know where it was. It's in Nepal, everybody. Do you remember Bob Seeger? Speaking of fucking having that roast beef torso. You know, the buttons bursting on his fucking western shirt. That's why I'm going to Cat Man Do. I used to sing that in the warehouse. That's where I'm really going to. If I ever get out of here, I'm going to Cat Man Do. And I always thought, I don't care. I don't care. He's cold. I always thought it was in like Mexico. It's in Nepal. I thought Nepal was the capital of fucking India. It isn't. Nepal's a fucking country. New Delhi is everybody. New Delhi. I always thought, you know, that'd be a great idea for a fucking sandwich place. You get a bunch of guys from India from New Delhi. Come

over here. They started Delhi. They make American sandwiches better than Americans. And they call it New Delhi. You get it? It's a New Delhi. But after a year, it'd be like, why is it still a New Delhi? Anyways, so I was looking up some shit and somehow I'm getting so into the geography. I'm starting to look up like islands in Guam. And I remember, you know, a few weeks ago when I was talking about the Spanish American war that I thought took place in like fucking Texas, you know, and involved the Alamo. And then I discovered that it was fought over in the Philippines and I believe Guam. I can't even remember in Puerto Rico. Something fucking nuts like that. Something I don't fucking remember. So I started looking up on Guam. Do you know that they actually

had trials over there? War crime trials for Japanese soldiers? Actually, not soldiers, the higher ups, just like Nuremberg. And people got put to death and hung, you know, not a lot of them, but they still did. There was all kinds of fucking atrocities that happened over there. I had no idea. I think basically, for the most part, you can Google any country, anywhere, and just type in war crimes after it. You know, that's what blows my mind about all of that shit. And they've said it before, like what we did in Dresden and all that. If we lost, like when we firebombed that city, they were just like, you know, you realize if we lose that we're going to be sitting there waiting

to get hung, you realize this shit. And then they just go, you know what, it's like a roulette wheel. And they just push all that chips on red fucking spin the wheel and drop the marble. You know, how do you sleep at night running a fucking war? You know, just knowing that if you lose, you're going to be sitting there with your head down, you know, with your fucking headphones on, listening to people talking about what a monster you are. The same people who did basically what the fuck you did. To a certain extent, except now they're, they're considered heroes and then you get, ah, it's the fucking worst. You know, and then those guys write a letter of thank you for

being such a class actor in your fucking, during your trial. Um, so anyways, there you go. So now you know, people, one capital I taught you this week, Kathmandu. There was some reason he's spelled K-A-T-H-M-A-N-D-U Kathmandu. It's why I'm going to Kathmandu. Let's get to the letters for this week, everybody. And it's starting off speaking of war crimes, speaking of death, speaking of things. Um, what do we got here? Cadaver lab. That's a good name for a band that isn't that good. You know, meet some chick you want to fuck her and she, you can't cause she's dating the lead singer of cadaver lab and you're just sitting in your head like going cadaver lab. Like

that's the name of the band. Let me guess, do they have a bunch of props on stage of people bleeding? Didn't Alice Cooper already do that 40 fucking years ago? Can you just spread your legs and get some normal dick in you, sweetheart? You know? You know? Okay. Local heroes cadaver lab signed to Electroelect Records. Dear Billiam, I work at a medical device company in Southern Massachusetts and I know you will be in the area for your shows. Oh, that's great. You just cross promoted my shows. That's like a Jimmy Norton bit from way back in the day on opium anthony show on the opium anthony show, the opium anthony program. If you want to get official, he goes, I see you're going to be in

the area doing some shows and want to see if you're interested in coming into a cadaver lab, knees, shoulders only, no faces or bodies. Well, what the fuck dude? That's just, just like watching the movie trailer, but you don't get to see the movie. He said, I designed a screw to repair slash rebuild your ACL. I know you and Joe Rogan talked about it. I taught, I didn't talk about it. That's definitely some Rogan stuff right there. I'm too dumb to talk about shit like that. This podcast is the exact opposite of the Joe Rogan experience where Joe actually facts checks like shit. Did I say my fact checks? Shit, I can't even get through the sentence. I don't, I just sort of, you know, over here

things and then I just presented as fact. So anyways, I know you and Joe Rogan talked about it, but if you would like to see a jackass like me try to repair one in a lab, please let me know. You don't have to touch anything or you can if you want, let me know. Thanks and go fuck yourself. You know what, dude? I think you've been working in a cadaver lab too long that you feel that you can just openly invite me to this. I don't have to touch anything, but I can if I want, like I just want to fucking squeeze somebody's dead knee that's not attached to anything. Why, in God's name, would I want that on my hard drive? Why would I want to know what that feels like to squeeze a rig of morti fucking knee? Sir, are you like a serial killer and you're looking for a

partner? You know, like that fucking classic one that I watch with a, one of the greatest lines ever uttered on television when they were talking about when the first serial killer met the second serial killer because he went to a new town said moved to some new town there. He met a he met a pyromaniac and sometimes transvestite or a transvestite and sometimes pyromaniac. That's how they describe this guy. He was a cross dressed and sometimes pyromaniac. And then they hooked up and they did a bunch of murders together. You know, I do find that fascinating and I know that your work is leading to a better good for people who are alive, but you know, there's things in comedy that I know you wouldn't want to see. So I would invite you

backstage during particular fucking moments, you know, and that's what you're basically doing. All right. Now, if you had the entire fucking body, that that's another thing. No, that's just, it's just disrespectful for me to go down there like I'm going to Seaworld looking at body parts. So that's what happens. Like when somebody like donates their body to science, like they just take your fucking, yeah, we'll just take the knee. Like, do you guys go to like the butcher? Yeah, let me get a pork shoulder and somebody's kneecap. He said, I feel like working on ACLs. I mean, it gets a great thing that you do that just that you know, it's funny. I have no problem getting cremated because even some fucked up reason

you still feel it. I mean, it's going to suck for like 45 minutes or a couple of hours, however long it takes to burn you down to ash, you know, and as awful and as horrific as that sounds being slowly burned for fucking two hours. It's over in two hours. Whereas if you fucking laying in a box completely intact, full of preservatives, you just slowly decomposing over 100 fucking years. I don't want to do that. Get it over with. But that does freak me out that you're going to sit there and you know, have my fucking knee on one table, my shoulder on the other. You know, so drew breeze can fucking throw a better pass. And that's just fucking weird. You know what? That was really cunty. You invited me and I didn't accept. And then I was a dick and

I trashed what the fuck you do. Come on, dude, you got to understand. All right. I'm, I'm, yeah, that's, I can't do that. I appreciate you for the invitation. It would just be weird. I'd show up with DVDs. There you go. An appreciation that you've shown me this ankle. Married women. Hey, Bill, I know what I'm doing is wrong. Oh, Jesus. I'm a single guy who became friends with the married woman at work. Here we go. Devious maids. We have a ton of stupid shit in common. We even like the same flavor chips. I know it's retarded. We became Facebook friends. How did you become Facebook friends? But just be honest with me. You're sorry. You want to do that. You want to fuck her and you knew she was married. You didn't give a shit. All right. I've been there.

Here we go. We had, we had like the same flavor chips. We became Facebook friends and little by little, her messages starting getting sexual. Yeah. And I'm sure you didn't facilitate that on any, you weren't stoking those fucking flames or whatever the expression goes. You weren't fucking blowing on the hot coals at all. Right. You were just sitting there talking about earth, wind and fire. And all of a sudden she's like, speaking of fire, my pussy is raging right now for your cock to be in it. You were like, whoa, hey, where did that come from? I was just talking old R and B music. It's at the point where she comes right out and told me she wants to fuck me. She's smoking hot with no kids and it's so fucking hard not to do something. It goes against all my

beliefs, but I can't stop thinking about it. I have a feeling she wants out of her marriage, but I don't want to be a home wrecker. I've also have to see her at work so it's extra hard to tell her to just tell her to fuck off. I listen to you every Monday and you usually tell guys to whack it and see if the feeling goes away. Well, I already did that and it didn't work. I'm just an average attractive guy and want to fuck her. But like I said, I know it's wrong. Can you just come to Canada and shoot me in the fucking head? That's hilarious. Oh, and he said from Scotland. No, so she's loving that accent. All right, dude, not only are you going to be a fucking married woman, it's where you work and the odds of that coming out. And once you start fucking somebody

at work, as much as you try and keep it on the down low, everybody knows they can tell by your body language. Everybody at work already knows that you guys want to fuck each other. They already know that. So when you do fuck, everybody's going to know that. And then in six months when you go to get a raise and you walk in there and it's either going to be A, you're sitting across the desk from some other guy that wanted to fuck her, but didn't in his jealous of you or B, it's a woman who's jealous of that hot bitch that you fucked and wants to be as skinny as her and is actually annoyed on some subconscious level that you didn't try to fuck her, even though she wouldn't have fucked you. Either way, it's going to affect your money. Don't do it. Don't do

it. Ben there done that. Trust me, don't fucking do it. It does not end well. All right, you don't want that on your resume. It's awful. It's awful. It's an unforgivable act. Don't do it. All right, you don't want to do it. Your dick wants to do it. And this is a great opportunity to be the fucking steal from the Seinfeld show to be master of your domain. All right, you don't have to tell it a fuck off. Just say, listen, all right, I would love to have sex with you too, but I can't do it while you're still married. So when that situation changes, come by and knock on the non-existent door of my cubicle and I will put you right on my fucking generic plastic desk that everybody else has that was fucking bulk ordered from some staple somewhere and I'll fuck you in

front of everybody. I'll have my fucking O face right over the top of the cubicle. And I'll fuck you right here at work. But until then, get out of my crib. What movie was that? Get out of my crib. All right, Wild Bill, I'm 28 and have been living in Japan for five years. That's probably pretty cool. What an experience. For the past year and a half, I've been dating a fine specimen of a woman from your country, but recently ended things. Well, I'm glad you did, considering you look at her like she's something you've collected in a lab. Dude, there's so many people who are so close to being a fucking serial killer, a fine specimen. You sound like one of those Nazi fucking doctors. Once that's a very fine specimen, it's a human

being, man. A large part of this was due to us being from different countries, her being from the good old USA, me being from another guy from Scotland. These guys from Scotland are fucking killing it. I wish I could do a good Scottish accent. I can't. The only thing I can, the only thing I can kind of do in a Scottish accent is the shit that they said to me. What the fuck's the fucking podcast? And that was probably terrible, right? Oh my God. That's more like Northern Ireland. Shut up. Nobody cares. All right. Where am I going here? A large part of this was due to us being from different countries and her being from the good old USA, me being from Scotland and our employment contracts coming to an end in a few weeks. Originally, she planned to come back with me, but now I'll be

braving Scotland alone. Since the breakup, I've been, I've been feeling down and generally acting like a little emo bitch crying, drowning my sorrows and worrying that I'll never get with anyone ever again. Let's stop right here. Sir, there's no wrong. There's nothing wrong with feeling like that and addressing it and crying. That's exactly what you're supposed to do. That's what the ladies do. And that's why they're more, they don't die as soon as we do. You can't push that shit down. Cry, like literally to not cry is you're denying a natural emotion. It'd be like, would you ever deny being happy? Or like, you know, I'm going to laugh. I'm going to fucking tough it out and not laugh. You got to let it out. That's your body trying to heal itself. If you

don't, that shit just stays in you. It just spoons around your fucking arteries. I'm telling you. Dude, that was one of the greatest things I saw when Chris Bosch, when they lost the fucking NBA championship and he walked down the tunnel and just collapsed and just fucking cried it out. Do you understand how advanced of a human being that guy is as a man that he could do that? And did it? TV cameras, whatever. It's just said, yeah, I was disappointed. I just needed to cry it out of me and I feel better. You know, I think it's a great thing. Oh, by the way, if you missed that, I was on Conan this week. The wonderful people over there had me on the show again. Oh, Jesus. What a boy. I'm an asshole. I'm not even thinking here.

The movie, The Heat, everybody, is the number one movie in the country from what I heard. I didn't look it up, but I heard it did really well. So I want to thank everybody for going out to see it. I want to thank Conan O'Brien and everybody at the Conan O'Brien show for letting me come on the show, run my mouth and hype the movie. Like to thank Paul Feig, the director for putting me in the movie and everybody else that I got to work with. I went to a screening of it last week. It was fucking awesome. A bunch of big laughs. Please go see it because it would help me out and everybody else in the movie would really help it out. So thank you to everybody who went to go see it. Thank you to everybody who even thought about seeing it. And whatever. Chris Bosch was one of the

guests on the show. And I was going to say hello to him, but I always get a little freaked out before I have to go do a panel. I was trying to think like, what the fuck am I going to talk about? And I don't like going out there having like, I don't know. I like going out there and just saying something because then that sets me into just being there rather than, you know, like when you do that, they do these things where they do like a pre interview, they'll do it on radio and everything. And then it just becomes this weird phony conversation where you come walking out there and they just go, you know, hey, Bill, have you ever let your foot on fire while mowing along? And then I go, as a matter of fact, I have, I was mowing my lunch. Like it's almost like the host

is has like ESP. You know what I mean? And there's that whole just trying to fucking fake your way into doing this thing that everybody knows you're going to do. So I always try to fucking throw something out there. And, and Conan's awesome because he just fucking rolls with it. I always have a great time. So, and always get more fans by doing that show. So thanks again to everybody over there, Conan, for getting me on. And if you missed it, I retweeted the the whatever you whatever your kids call it the clip there. And I'll be doing it again this week on the podcast page. And you can watch my little interview there. You should actually watch the whole show. It's a great show. Anyways, let's let's plow ahead here.

What the fuck am I, sense of breakup and feeling down, crying, but about however, now that those feelings have subsided, the real worry is not whether I'll find someone. But what kind of person? Yeah, I'm talking about looks here. Okay, I currently live in an area of Japan famed for its beauties through this guy is just crushing it. This is what you do when you're a young man, is you move to another country with beautiful, every country has beautiful women. You just move there. And all of a sudden, you're fucking interesting just because you're asking him where the restroom is just because you have an accent right there. You're going to get 40% more pussy if even remotely have any game. It's going to happen for you. Alright, I currently live in an

area of Japan famed for its beauties. Scotland, on the other hand, does not boast this distinction and also has the highest level of obesity in Europe. Does it? I didn't notice any fat people over there. I mean, I just think in general, Great Britain, just people have that fish and chips, torso. Then again, I am coming from the States. You know, we go hard out here. So what advice can you give to a poor wee laddie for returning to a country of bad food, even worse weather, and now also finding himself having to wade through a dating pool of biological clock ticking, tanning challenge, third round draft pick ladies. That's hilarious. Dude, you know what? The only thing I can tell you is save up your money and you got to go back. You got to go back.

Not only you got to go back to where they have even better looking women than where you were in Japan. You know, maybe go down to the Caribbean or something like that. This is what it is. You opened Pandora's box. No pun intended. And you know, the selections that are out there. See, people who never travel, they just end up fucking somebody in their hometown and then they get married. You know, and it's just like they ate the same food their entire fucking life. They don't know any better. They don't understand how long the buffet table is of ladies that are out there. You know, like if I was a guy right now getting, I am a guy, all right, but let's just say I wasn't a guy. No, if I was some dude getting divorced and I didn't know where to turn and I was a little

bit older and that type of thing, like that is what I would do. I would fucking, I'd go to, I'd get a personal trainer. I would get an unbelievable fucking shape and I would get my ass down to the fucking Caribbean and I would find myself some island girl absolute stunning beauty who's on island time is completely laid back and that type of shit, right? And I would fucking marry her. I'd find love down there, start all over again and just fuck it, you know, and just give into their vibe, start walking around barefoot, start chilling out, just relaxing, going out, doing your fucking job, making the money and then fucking coming home to this absolute exotic beauty. That's what the fuck I would do rather than come home and

go fuck the female version of you. You know, that's what I learned through travel. So there you go, sir. That's what I would do. I would get a job there and I would tough it out, save up some fucking money and I would, I would just literally Google where the most beautiful women are in the world, look at the pictures, make the judgment for yourself and then just fucking move there. You're young, you don't have, you're not tied down. You can always go back to Scotland, you know, but you could have some fucking beautiful lady on your arm. It can happen. All right, but you got to take that first step, sir. You got to put your freckled foot down and just make that decision that, you know, you're going to bet on yourself and give yourself

a better life. All right. God bless you. Good luck to you, sir. All right, girlfriend hits me. Jesus Christ. How do you know soul having motherfucker? Can we stop with the hacky redheaded jokes? You know what I mean? Do you know how many times I fucking heard that we don't have any soul? I don't have any soul. Did you hear that, sir? Did you hear the wonderful advice that just came from my heart? How could you say that? You know what? Just for that, I'm not giving you any good advice. I'm going to give you some terrible, terrible advice here. I'm 26 and I've been dating the same girl for almost a year. She's a dime fucks like a champ, great job and family, sweet as corn syrups and the whole fucking nine yards. Anyways, about three months ago into the relation

shit. That's what he called it. Everybody at the relation shit. You see what he did there? He took the pee out, put a tee. What's the deal with relationships? He goes, we get drunk at her friend's house and she starts going fucking nuts running around. I try to talk to her and she slaps me right across the face. I was seeing red, but enough self-control to let it slide. In the past two weeks, however, she has slapped me in front of my friends and squeezed my nuts to the point of vomiting because I was playing around and pissed her off. Wow. She squeezed you not so hard. You puked. Were you drinking? He goes, this is completely turned me off and had made me seriously considered dumping this broad. Dude, she grabbed your balls and squeezed to the

point that you puked and you're still writing me for advice. How fucking hot is this girl? He goes, I'm a big guy and obviously can't respond. So I got to stand there like a dildo and just take this shit. Oh, dude, at what size do you feel like you could come back with an overhand right? Although I got to tell you, there really is nothing funnier than if a guy slaps. Have you seen that video on the internet where that woman slaps that security guard and he fucking slaps her right back and she is stunned for like a second and a half and then just puts her hand up like a little kid just goes. I am not pro violence towards women. I am not but that is some funny shit and I stand by it go fuck yourself. It's fucking hilarious.

All right. She got the old right there Fred. Oh, right there Fred for new people. I've told you what that expression means, but before I do that, I really need to fucking you guys are using cold lotion incorrectly. You'll be like Chicago Blackhawks beat the Bruins in six games. That's some cold lotion. That's not cold lotion. All right. Cold lotion is when somebody goes to do something nice for you and then they it's just like something bad about it. Like Nia said, can you put some lotion on my back? That's a beautiful, loving, nice thing to do, but I didn't warm it up in my hands and I just put it on her back and it was cold lotion. Do you get it? So I still put lotion on her back.

Her skin wasn't dry. I did her a solid, but the way I did it cost like this fucking jolt, this uncomfortableness. That is the definition. It's actually the definition is up on what the urban dictionary or whatever it is up there. All right. So the Blackhawks beating the Bruins in six games is not cold lotion because that that would be like they would have let us win on some level, but also fucking blew out one of our guys knees, but they did let us win. That would be, I guess, I don't fucking know. Anyways, let's get back to this shit, shall we? So anyways, to refresh your memory before I went off on that tangent. All right. She's slapping them in front of friends and squeezes nuts to the point of vomiting and evidently, you know, they're not in the same

weight class. So he can't hit her back. He goes, I'm just afraid someday in the future, I'll go into rage mode and end up crushing your head on the stove or something and ruin my life. Yeah, dude, you have to get out of this. And then he goes, I might go into rage mode, end up crushing your head on the stove or something and ruin my life. Anyways, love you and looking forward to hearing you read this in your own clown voice. All right. Well, sir, you have to break up with this woman. It's not even a question, dude. She squeezed, she squeezed, she squeezed your balls to the point of you puking. It's fucking over. It's over. All right. You need to dump her. And the problem is, you know what? Probably nobody has ever dumped her and that's why she's so fucking

out of line. So why don't you do it? You know, you kind of fucked up now because you didn't do it in the moment. You should have done it the next day and just been like, you realize how fucking out of line. No, no, no, don't curse. You just stay really calm and just say, listen, you know, I don't want to see you anymore. I just don't. I just, you know, I don't know how to fucking do it. I can't do it without cursing. You know, you're fucking psycho and you squeezed my balls until I puked and you haven't even apologized. You're like that much of a dumb cunt and no matter how smart I am, my kids are going to be cut with your half a dumb cuntness. So,

you know, and whenever I see them do something dumb, I'm going to know that it's you and that I shouldn't have dumped a load on you. So I just can't see it anymore. Dude, are you going to, when you break up with you, you're going to be wearing one of those dog, you know, those suits you wear when you're training a dog, how to attack people, a beekeeper hat and a cup. No, sir, if you're actually, you know, having fantasies of slamming your head on a stove top, yeah, I would definitely get out of it before you ruin your life. Um, unreal, actually, and you know, dude, you don't want to do that after watching

the unbelievably depressing and sad story of Aaron Hernandez, you know, just watching somebody losing their life and then somebody else just throwing their life away and that fucking depressing depression where you're just like, you know, is everybody's out there chasing money? You just feel like, you know, if I had all that money and I had a big house, I would finally be happy and my life would be perfect and just seeing somebody have all of that and just throwing it all away. It was one of the most depressing fucking things I've ever seen in my life. Um, creepy, chilling, the whole, the whole fucking nine yards, you know, and this is how fucking hilarious Boston fans are. My friends are calling me up going,

you believe this Hernandez story? Oh my God, I can't believe it. They're just going, yeah, you know, what the fuck? Now what do we do? Gronk's always getting hurt. Who's Brady going to throw to fucking? It's like, you know, I think there's something a little bigger than not trying to beat the dolphins or the Jets this year. I think the fact that, uh, you know, that people died, I just, it's unbelievable. I don't fucking believe it. Like if, if what they're saying is true, this guy literally like killed two people in the next week, he's on sports center, you know, talking to some, you know, reporter, some lady they always haven't, they always have the ladies down on the sidelines.

You know, when you're sitting there smiling and waving in his head, he's like, yeah, I just killed two people. Um, creepy. Anyways, odd question. Hey, Bill, hey, Billy, I've been enjoying your podcast and stand up for a while and have some odd issues. I'm a 17 year old guy and haven't really been social or outgoing most of my life. Well, dude, you're only 17. I was, I was walled off too. Um, but recently I've had about three girls start making advances towards me and not really sure how to manage that. Uh, go with it, dude. Just go with it. Just take them out, dude. That's what you have to do. You have to push through your first fucking date. All right. And the longer you go, the more fucking more of a mountain it's going to

seem like it really isn't to just stepping over a rake. That's all it is. You know, it's fucking, it's, it's an eighth of an inch off the ground. Just go out there. Everybody makes an ass to themselves when they first start fucking courting a lady. Just take them out, go to a fucking movie, go see the heat. I heard it's a wonderful movie. Um, anyways, he says, and not really sure how to manage that, but now to more issues. The one girl in particular who I really like has been getting pretty physical. We had some pretty close moments at a couple of sleepovers and during the last one she started taking off my belt. I gently moved her hands away and brought them up to my chest level, but she's been more sexually aggressive in terms of initiating stuff than me.

Why might you ask? Would you get molested? I'm going to guess. He goes, why might you ask? Don't I want to give up it up to this girl? He goes, well, I have a small dick. Oh man. He goes, laugh it up, whatever, go fuck. Dude, I would never laugh at you like that. Having a big dick or a small dick is not a skill. It's just luck of the draw. Uh, he goes, I make up for it in character. So not asking for, uh, from experience cause you sound cause from the sound of it, you're doing just fine. Dude, I'm average. I'm fucking right down the middle. You know, if my dick was a car, it would be a fucking tourist. No, that's a full sized car. What am I saying? It would just be like, you know, an Ultima.

You know, it's not going to scare you. It's not going to disappoint you. You know, it's a friend. Um, all right, it's dependable. Where am I going here? Do you have any advice what to do? I really want to be with this girl, but I feel like she may lose interest in me or write me off because of it and I'm destined to die a virgin. I got to know what to do and I can't ask my friends for obvious reasons. Any response would mean the world to me. Thanks for making the world a little brighter by the way. You make people smile, Bill. And that's pretty important. Some fans, some fan with the development issue. Um, no, this is a, uh, this is, this is beyond my, my capabilities other than to say, like, I would really talk to somebody,

you know what I mean? Because this is really like a crucial fucking thing where, yeah, you could be so embarrassed or something like that, that it's going to cause you to miss out on being with somebody. Look, there's guys with little dicks that get married all the fucking time who find love and that type of thing. So your situation is not hopeless. You know, there's guys with fucking big, believe me, there's women with big dick, women with big dick. There's women with guys with big, there's women out there with big dicks too. You know, there's just a whole bunch of fucking people out there, everybody. And I don't judge any of them. There's women out there with guys who have fucking big dicks that, uh, you know, they're out there fucking around on

them or they don't have a fucking job. You know, there's, it's not all roses. All right. And after a while, I swear to God, after a while, all the fucking women want you to do is just bring home some goddamn money, just have a fucking job, treat me with respect and raise our kids right. If you do that, you're hitting a fucking home run. All right. So, um, I would seek out some professional advice and then, um, I don't know, dude, I, I, you know what? I, if I had a fucking little dick, I would just own it. I'd own it. It just get it out there. Just fucking tell her right off the bat, you know, and then I would fucking please her at least two, three times before I fucking, uh, went to go do my business and, uh, yeah, this, I think that's just something you

just got to get it out there. That's what I would guess, but I would definitely talk to somebody about it because this is obviously, I mean, obviously it's bothering you would fucking bother anybody and I want you to succeed, you know, so that's what I would do. Does that make sense? I hope that fucking helped you out. What the fuck did I do with my goddamn questions here? It was still, I'm the worst. Um, Jesus, now I gotta look this up. Yeah, seriously, dude, I would, I would never make fun of somebody for something like that. You know what I mean? I would, I'd pick on people for, for, for writing thank you letters after winning a championship under the guys that they're actually trying to do, do us a fucking favor. Gee, Jesus, so swell. Um, all right, let's

get back to this here. So good luck with that, sir. And, um, what the hell am I? Odd question. Yeah. All right. I did that. All right. So that, there you go. There's, there's the advice. I hope that that was a positive thing for you. All right. Cause that's what I'm trying to say. I would, that's, I would never make fun of somebody for like something like that. All right. I think that's the end of the podcast people. Um, what do I got coming up? Actually, you know what? I'm not on the road for a minute. I got some big shows back East. If you'd like to know about them, you can go to billbird.com. Um, I'm going to be at the Cape Cod Melody tent and I can't even tell you how thrilled I am to be doing that place. Like I told you, that's the place where the one and only time I

ever saw George Carlin. Uh, so that's going to be an unbelievably special night for me. So it will be a great show, obviously. And then, uh, I'm at the Hampton Beach Ballroom Casino. This is all the weekend of July 12th. And then I got, uh, the Newport Yachting Center. So like I said, that weekend I'm playing two tents and an attic. All right. And that's the weekend of July 12th, 13th, 14th, or 11th, 12th and 13th. I don't have it in front of me, but, um, tickets are going fast. So thank you to everybody who's been going out to my shows and that type of stuff and blah, blah, blah, blah. And, uh, and with that, we got to do the outros here. Once again, people, if you forgot already, now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu plus and start

watching your favorite hit TV shows right now. Watch TV the way you want to, wherever the hell you want to do it. Just go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the Hulu plus banner for your extended extended free trial or go to Hulu plus.com slash bill. And also don't forget, um, if you're starting your own business to set up your free trial of E voice, join the thousands of entrepreneurs who've used E voice as their personal receptionist, 24 seven, get your own toll free or local number. Professional greetings have calls routed and all your voicemails transcribed and emailed to you for less than 10 bucks a month. That's really priceless. Everybody right now you can try E voice for free for 30 days. Go to evoice.com

promo code bill, um, or click on the E voice banner at the podcast page at bill bird.com. All right. And with that, I'm trying to get into baseball. Everybody I'm slowly getting back into it. Wanted to start watching the Dodgers. I actually watched the Red Sox beat the Blue Jays. I believe it was yesterday on the final play of the game. Somebody hit a little flare. I'm going to get back into it. I'll get back into it. If the blackhawks would stop sending fucking thank you letters reminding me of what I already know, you know, picking that fucking scab. Um, yeah, that's it. I've decided I'm going to win brace baseball. You know, I got a nice little time off here. I'm going to lose some weight, you know, take my dog on a short hike and then I'm going to go on the

longer one like what I did today. And I'm going to get myself in great fucking shape here for the summer and I'm going to watch some baseball. I'm actually going to try to go back East. Well, I'm going to go back East. I'm going to try to take it. Maybe a Red Sox game when I'm back there. I haven't gone to a game in a couple of years, but that's what I'm up to. All right. And that right there was the lackluster ending to this hopefully wonderful podcast. Once again, thanks to Paul Feig and everyone who worked on the heat. Forget me in that. Please go see it this week. If you haven't seen it already, go see it again or whatever. Be helping me out and thanks to Conan O'Brien and everybody on the Conan O'Brien show for let me come on and run my mouth and hype that

project. All right, that's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you next week. the leise app die zit vanaf nu boorde voor receptet die lekker makkelijk en goed koop zijn voor wie ins naar iets anders snakt of halt van klassiekers. Oh ja, so was a spaghetti bolognaise me licker veel gehakt download the my de leise app en kook mee ja top de leise mee met de kleven