Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-1-19

Episode Date: July 1, 2019

Bill rambles with Justin Long about 90's Pride Parades,  acting, and classic television....

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 PASA All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 1st, 2019. Oh my God, where is the summer going? I am here with the always wonderful, the always wonderful, the always lovely Justin Long, who does arguably the most favorite character on Ephesda Family. Kevin Murphy. Hey, before we get into that, and I put you on the spot. This is surreal for me, because I've listened to almost every episode. You are a big fan of this podcast. I'm going to try to tone it down a little bit. I don't want to
Starting point is 00:01:12 come on. No, no, it's all right. But I'm a big fan. So it's weird to hear you even go, well, go to the Monday morning, but it's weird to even hear you do the introduction. Yeah. That's why I don't video it. I like to keep a mystery. Yeah, I just got like share. Where is she? That's right. She's in Malibu. What are you doing in bed with shares? And I saw the between, you know, behind the share still hot share was fucking smoking when I was a kid. I got you, babe. Hey, let me let me read this here. Please let the listeners. Okay, I did a live podcast from Phoenix, Arizona in front of a crowd. No edits will be posted on my YouTube channel this week.
Starting point is 00:01:50 Please subscribe to the Monday morning podcast on the YouTube page. And you can follow at the MM podcast and at Bill Burr on Twitter for tour updates and new videos. I got a couple of new tour dates here. I'm going to be at Foxwood's resort and casino in Connecticut on August 11th. And I'll be doing the Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas on December 21st. Justin, I'm actually going there in September to do a date because I want to see Elton John because I believe him when he says he's going to retire. Oh, is that what he says? I think this is the last one. It's getting there. Say that for a while. No, everybody else says it all the time. Yeah, everybody always fakes out. Well, there they go. This is the last one. This is the bread farve of singer song
Starting point is 00:02:36 writers. Yeah, like I saw the who in 89 like seven years after their first farewell tour. And I paid to see them because it was like, dude, you don't know, you don't know if these guys are going to be back. And that's why I'd like to see the stones because it's also just a fact of nature. They might they might not. I mean, they might somebody might die. I mean, how old are they? They're pushing like 80, right? They're all there. Yeah, I think they're you want to I was reading hard 80. Like that's like a like an old 80. Keith Richards. Keith isn't but Keith doesn't go as hard as everybody thinks. Oh, really? Keith went hard in the 70s. And then that was it. He got labeled as that guy. Like I don't think it smokes a lot though. He smokes. And I don't know. I don't know
Starting point is 00:03:22 what else. And he has like a glass of wine or whatever. But I don't he doesn't like you physically can't fucking do it. You can't do it. Yeah, you can't do it. I hate that I've gotten to that age like my new drug now is eight hours sleep. It's my favorite thing ever. Oh my god. Well, that's why I got a physical the other day. My doctor said, can't wait, we're talking about this. My doctor I'm 41 now. So I felt you're 41. You fucking asshole. You look like a 22 flat stomach full head of hair. Oh my I thought you were like 31. You got a flat stomach. No, I don't. You so you shave your head. And why do you think that is just because I have beautiful locks? Well, I'm just wondering when's the last time you tried to grow it in? I'm wondering how much it
Starting point is 00:04:01 could grow. I got the I got the thing in the back. It's thin in the back. And I don't know what else at some point. You just got to take control of it. I think Travolta Travolta did that recently. He finally did. I think he just started. I think he did. I can't imagine like the world of two pays like how hot your fucking head gets actually not like a day like this. Can you imagine? I've seen a couple. Bill and I were just walking we waiting through. How would you even? How would you say how I describe the humanity out there? We have fucking it is we are like right in the crosshairs of the gay pride parade. We were supposed to meet on Friday. Something happened where you weren't going to get here in time. So I was like, I took a bus I took a bus from the Berkshire's in Massachusetts.
Starting point is 00:04:43 And I figured, Oh, when the bus will arrive, roughly around the time it says it will. And we're supposed to get in at 2 30. Right. 225. And it got in it. 505. That's what time I the bus arrived. Oh, my God. Isn't that nuts? Stuck in traffic. Well, that's why I don't take buses anymore. Yeah. Well, I should have known if it was like a booze one, you could like drink. Well, I don't drink anymore. But anyways, yes. So we fucking down here right in the middle of the gay pride parade. And I was joking with you like when I'm home on my couch in air conditioning, I am the most liberal person ever. You get me out in the fucking sun. And I was literally like these people are against God. Because you can't move should all be eliminated.
Starting point is 00:05:24 No, it was just in hell. No, what it was, it wasn't all the gay people. It was all the cops not knowing where they could tell you to cross exactly and the and the ala quote unquote, the people who are doing it for the day who are buying the rainbow flag or the allies $20 from the vendors, it's all become so weirdly monetized. And look, there's no I was saying to you, there's nobody I like more than I think maybe my favorite demographic are gay people. I love I think I prefer them to like the gaze I like the I like cigar smokers, cigar smoking gaze or cigar smoker any just I don't give a shit. I don't want you to cigar smokers are cool. They're just chilling. It's quiet. It's smoky. But it's fucking quiet. And they're all like characters.
Starting point is 00:06:08 And like Scorsese character, this sort of like, I don't know, there's just something about it where you're you're an old man in a cool way. You know what it is? Maybe there's an ease to them. There's a patience to them because you got to be patient to smoke one of them. You don't huff them down, right? I think when you're early on, you don't know what you're doing. Like I had a buddy of mine, I give him like a Cuban cigar and he would tell me later he smoked it like right outside the comedy club. It's like, you know, near the dumpster. That's why you did it. It's like smoking a cigar is an event you sit down you chill. Nice chair. There's a game on you have a nice drink, right? And then the conversation because because this cigar, because the thing that that's holding you there.
Starting point is 00:06:52 Okay, is so enjoyable versus that parade, which was a total inhibiting what the fuck we were trying to do. Like if I was sitting on a on a balcony, watching that parade, I would have the time of my life. We should get drinks after just trying to get through it. Yeah, is a completely different because they don't let you go east west. All these streets are shut down, right? So every street you go to there's a barrier. And I was also thinking the amount of money they must be spending the money that the city must be spending on cops on the fucking barriers. Yeah, there's like there's three major but this is also it's it's the way they were billing it was this is sort of the world's pride parade. Oh, okay. Okay, so that's what it is. This is like the Super Bowl of Gaze.
Starting point is 00:07:39 And we came in like the non sports fans who also happened to go to New Orleans because they wanted to try the fucking fried chicken or something down there. Or go down to Bourbon Street. There was a bunch of meathead sport. We're like foodies who heard about one particular restaurant on Bourbon Street. Yeah, we're doing a travel show. No, I'll tell you what's what's fun. I'll tell you about the sports and shit is is gay is that pride pride parades. That is not the gayest thing that's going on right now. I actually are there things this week, the gayest thing right now that's going on is the NBA offseason. Yeah, they should have like a flamboyant like I'm talking like 80s sitcom level gay guy reading the offseason like did you hear that Kyrie is talking to KD on a boat
Starting point is 00:08:27 and they're all going to end up in New York, honey. That's the rumor. Don't hold me to it. It's so fucking gay. It's it's so fine. It's like Falcon crest. I can't if I was running major league baseball, I'd be like, how the fuck did we compete with this? Yeah, there's all of this shit. They're all getting together and they're talking and they're Ron and Anthony are finally back together. Can't wait to pass the ball underneath to Anthony Davis. It's true. There's a lot of drama. There's a lot of bitching and I just find the first day and all started with Kobe in the fucking Lakers. They started they started this bullshit. I never remember this when I was a kid. I was such a big basketball fan growing up. I don't remember it's the pile on team. They did it. They got shacked
Starting point is 00:09:10 and they got Phil Jackson and and you know and then he and then Kobe his whole career demanded like a fresh he was like an emperor every three years yet you had to bring you had to bring a fresh new batch of fucking free agents in. So then they would just win a championship after championships and then the Celtics did it. We did it in 2008 with the big three. Yeah. Well, that's why I'm glad the Raptors won and then Miami did it and then everyone's trying to do now then Golden Golden State. They they did it with KD KD piled on but like they also they're a weird hybrid where there was an incredible draft with Steph and Clay and all of those guys. They all got drafted in the in the yeah as far as I know I'm a little out of my element here with the MV but
Starting point is 00:09:53 as far as I know those guys all became stars there. It wasn't like they made their bones somewhere else and then you know went cashed in and went out there then they became a juggernaut and in the middle of all of that was the spurs that just did it the old school way. Yeah. Passing the ball. Yeah. Like I think the greatest player of that era wasn't Kobe. It was Tim Duncan. Yeah. But everybody would but he wasn't it wasn't flashy. He was just such a yeah down and did the job. He was going glass. What did they call him? He was beating you like your dad. Your dad would fucking beat you with that turn around off the glass and silently. It must have been so frustrating. He wouldn't yeah when he retired he just retired. Yeah. You know he didn't then make a documentary
Starting point is 00:10:35 and win an Oscar. He just sort of he just sort of left. Neil Brennan's got a great line about Kauai Leonard who reminds me a little bit of that. I mean that mentality you know Neil Brennan's got a line about Kauai Leonard where he goes. He's at Kauai Leonard seems like he's he's the kind of guy whose family doesn't even know he plays in the NBA. He just like he's just like I'm going out to work and a couple hours later he comes home and he's like what's for dinner. That's why he's so badass and I that's why and everybody on Instagram I'm acting like he's a robot and he doesn't have any feelings. It's like no okay he could ramp it up but the rest of you could dial it down because I gotta tell you that fucking bullshit in sports now where anytime you do
Starting point is 00:11:11 anything you turn and you look at the crowd and yell like you're like you're in 300. I love yeah I love you. And you're yelling at a dad who's there with his four-year-old kid and then of course if you don't catch the pass or you strike out or you fucking don't hit the layup then you just sort of just go to the dugout or go back there's no grandstanding there. Well didn't they get mad at that pitcher's stroke? Well who's the pitcher for the he got almost gotten the fight with Puyg the other night. Oh I love that guy because he called Puyg out going he did. Come on over. Yeah you're just yelling. Yeah. You're not doing anything. And he's big for a pitcher. Yeah. I mean he's like he could have been a good fight. And the announcers were
Starting point is 00:11:50 like come on you got close to the mound. You know you could have made it there. Yeah you know he always does that. He starts to go then people hold him back and then he really starts charging. That's kind of how I fight. That's how I fight too. That's why I recognize it. It's like oh he's doing that. Yeah. Oh he's afraid. Yeah. Hold me back. Please hold me back. You hold me back. You got a good grip. All right. Let me at him. Let me at him. Yeah totally. Well let's start. I feel like this is more I'm on brand. I feel kind of bad for your listeners now because as one of your loyal listeners when you do do interviews I always miss I like them but I miss when it's just you riffing and I feel like this is you. You know I don't want to stay out of the way. There's a
Starting point is 00:12:31 couple of people that have said that. Well maybe it's that I'm not a good interviewer. You like that. Now I forced you into a corner. Now you have to compliment me. Or just stick with the insults. Or just double down. Maybe they're right. No no you definitely are. I just I here's what it is. I enjoy just you so much you riffing which must be the to do that every twice a week is crazy. No it's great. I get to empty out my fucking head. Yeah I get to empty it out. I tell you what I want to fucking go off on is I was pushing my lovely daughter down the street and the gays were getting all ramped up for the parade. They were. It's just like what you wanted to sell in this past month was tank tops.
Starting point is 00:13:15 You would have fucking made a killing right. Oh god. So all these shredded gay guys are walking down the street and then this this lesbian chick with their girlfriend. She's out there just no shirt on no bra tits painted with like glitter on it and I got my kid there and it's just like you know that's insane. It's not good nudity. No yeah I feel bad for all the conservative gays whatever that happens. I always pictured them rolling their eyes just being like see this is why there's a breeder with his kid and he's going to leave with that story. I'm sitting here acting like a gentleman with my tank top tucked into my short shorts behaving myself. My khaki short shorts and my salmon cut off. I was worried that there was
Starting point is 00:14:02 going to be a lot more lewd behavior. It's not it's way way way toned down but I think also you're comparing it to LA. Yeah and LA was the Halloween parade and somebody talked me into going to that in the late 90s this older gentleman I met at a bus station to get me a drink. No kidding. I got roofied now and we went down there dude and the Halloween parade out there yeah that that is not for anybody under the age of 28 I think. It was just over the age of 30. Late 90s it was just like oh I remember there's just a float of dicks and it was just like I confused it with the gay pride parades like why would they do that if they're trying to get mainstream and then it didn't take it took me years because it was so like I was culture shock.
Starting point is 00:14:46 I never been around that. Yeah it's so it's true and it's really I remember the first time I went to LA was to do this movie. My first the first movie I ever got the first time second time I'd been on a plane. There are all these new experiences for me. It was in 99 and they put me up at a hotel called Le Montrose on Hammond right off of Sunset. So between Sunset and Santa Monica Boulevard there's that steep decline and that hit and so on my time off I didn't have a car anything on my time off I just walk and naturally just walk downhill and it's and it empties out right into the heart of West Hollywood you know right there and I remember talking to my friends back home they were like how's LA how's it going out there and I was like it's good people are
Starting point is 00:15:27 great you know it's been the guys are really friendly. I was like it's super gay it's so gay like it's really gay. I just hadn't traveled out. Every restaurant I've been to I just walked in that neighborhood and you know it's the first few days I was there but it really like for somebody coming from the suburbs or and I went to a very progressive college I went to Vassar which was like we had a dance club. Isn't that a woman's college? It was yeah and then they tried to get look at you yeah you showed up and you crushed it all didn't you? It was 62% female. Did you used to say progressive shit when you were banging all of them? It was before... I've never respected you so much. Did you let them be on top so they could feel like they were in the power position?
Starting point is 00:16:10 And there were a lot of a lot of the guys of the 30% that were guys that were gay so it was it was the first time I'd really been around that it was really... Dude you crushed it. It was fun. It was fun. So you majored in pussy basically. But it really raised the bar it was difficult then to get out into the real world. What is the area of expertise at Vassar as far as like engineering school I know what is it? It's you know they've really good English department. I went I was a philosophy major. I dropped out after two years. You just went then you banged a bunch of chicks. I went and I really fell in love with that. What was your opening line? I'm not gay? I'm listening. Yeah but also for act. I was in a sketch comedy group it was the
Starting point is 00:16:58 fucking best and it was the opposite of what my high school experience was like which was like typical suburban you know the jocks and the rich kids were on top right and the like theater nerds were closer to the bottom and and it was totally reversed at Vassar to the point. It was cool about my high school. It was my grade specifically. Everybody hung out with everybody by the end. Oh yeah. Yeah. It was a public school. Yeah. And it was just like by the end. No shit. It just that what happened was it was weird like the grade above me and the grade below me were like Mad Max. They were like lunatics like the grade below us could kick the shit out of our grade right and the grade above us what they were fucking lunatics like there was one kid in that
Starting point is 00:17:39 grade like his party trick was he would eat a light bulb. Oh my god. Lunatics. Oh my god. The whole crunch it and you saw eat it bloody. I never saw it. I didn't go anywhere near that guy. It's gonna show up with my fucking orange hair and he's eating a light bulb. But that would be the next thing on the fucking menu for entertainment. I didn't go. How do you talk yourself. How do you go from light but where do you go after light bulbs. My brother I'll tell you where you might go is my brother's gonna be pissed for telling this. My brother loves you too. He's the one I got into your podcast but he he went to school with the kid and I think he may have witnessed this. The kid was like and it was something dumb. The kid was like if you make that
Starting point is 00:18:16 some other kid crumpled up a piece of paper and was like who thinks I can't make this shot you know from across because he goes and the kid volunteered. He goes if you make that I'll eat my own poo. I'll eat my shit and the kid made it and according to my brother no way and there were many witnesses who was in the cafeteria. He dropped his pants. He wanted to do it probably. He wanted to do it. He willed it. He willed that thing in there and it wasn't even like a little bit. It was like a okay. Yeah sorry you can cut that out. I asked you if you cut anything out. I'm not leaving. I'm not cutting that out at all. Fucking leaving that in. I deserve it. That horrific cheese. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. And every once in a while my brother will
Starting point is 00:18:57 get a text. Who said that. He wanted to do that. He must have right. It happened. That's something that happened in a school that I went to. Yeah. And I asked what's this person you. It's what we have to gradually do here. Dude you know I haven't been in the recorded with you in a couple of seasons. I know. And one of my favorite memories was trying to hold it together when you were doing Kevin. You know when you do that I wasn't doing anything. You know that you were like I wasn't doing it. Sure. And you just had that look on your face of like adolescence but also like you know thinking you're making a point but you weren't like the first time I watched you and you basically had that character like day one. Well Vince was telling me I got this
Starting point is 00:19:40 guy Justin Long. I'm telling you he can do this fucking thing. And then just from day one you got to listen to him. He's awesome. Yeah. You're gonna love you guys. You should know this guy. And you fucking just immediately went in there and just had like that that you had your eyebrows fucking. Yeah. I think that guy it lives in me. He lives in that. I think he's like in people that it's that it's the adolescence. The kid. I don't think that ever goes where you just learn to manage it a little bit. I mean how do you how do you like like I'm always fascinated with actors. How you guys do this shit as far as like actually becoming like somebody else because this is like there's like the there's two kinds of acting. There's just like okay Adam Driver. Yes. Driver. I love that
Starting point is 00:20:24 Adam Driver. She knows her. Have you seen him in Burn The Shit? No I'm Dynasty. I'm Dynasty. You know I'm not you know. I love that play. Everybody's great in that but that fucking guy comes in and he's just a tour de force. He just comes in and he's killing and his comedic timing. There's so much shit in there that isn't necessarily written funny that he gets a huge laugh on and it's the way he says it when he says it. He's got a little thing he does the way he folds his pants. The way he meticulously takes his time. He says so different than anything you'd seen him do. Yes totally different different accent and all of that and the way he's kind of turning his head this way the way he was talking and it was just like that's that's a guy that like you know I'm
Starting point is 00:21:12 just excited after after doing a couple years here this cartoon that I can give you three different reads of a line like that's that's my Daniel Day Lewis. Yeah but I got a bone where you're going where are you going where are you going where are you going where are you going there you go look you got four you're better than me but I got a bone to pick with you because you you you talk about not being at that level I saw the front runner recently I don't know if I texted you about this you're fucking great you're like that was me with a fake mustache no you're good you're really good you're like Joe you remind me like Joe Panteliano or like uh like Bruno Kirby back in the day I just brought him up the other day I love that I love that guy and it's honest and it
Starting point is 00:21:53 and and you talked about this with Adam in the context of Adam Driver but it is fucking hard to go in and be yourself to it's hard to be a guy close to you and that's what you do that's what you were doing seemingly in the front runner and it's natural it's honest it that's not easy to do so I think I think you should give yourself a little more credit little more credit um but yeah that day was fun when we were yelling at each other is there's no one better no you Sam Rockwell Keckner you should see Keckner when Keckner does Bob Pogo well he looks like he's doing the backstroke he's just swimming his arms he just swims his arms backwards oh my god we we we film him every year when he does it all right and it's just like yeah you want to be in like it's just like is
Starting point is 00:22:37 Keckner coming in so Keckner comes in well I remember one day I think you may have told me this or maybe price Mike Price told me because I went to put on I was recording after I someone had been in there and I put the headphones on and it was they were so sorry like the ones we're wearing now these kind of coffee ones they were so soggy that it left a like a liquid rim oh no and they said I said what the fuck is this and and they said oh that's um Keckner was just in here oh you you have to ring out the headphones yeah but I because he's so physically so I mean and it sounds like that that's why the performance is so good he's fucking great yeah my favorite day I think on that thing was that time I came to New York and both you and Sam we all got to record with each
Starting point is 00:23:19 other that day and I got to watch you two guys fuck around and and Sam's crazy like Sam doesn't even want to do a partition between you yeah he wants to be like in the booth with you and uh yeah I I've got I can't believe like all the different levels of of like thrills I've gotten out of that show like one of my favorite fucking things is when we write a line and one of the actors tries to deliver and it makes them laugh that's I never thought I would get off on that because I always thought like I'm a comedian I want to be the guy saying the funny line but I totally get a rush out of that was my line or looking at the writer you know at the table read who came up with that I always give him a fucking look it's just like oh interesting yeah do you
Starting point is 00:24:00 ever think about writing a whole script maybe something for you to star in there's um yes and no uh-huh because I got the kid now and I have to I gotta be honest with you that I really see like however long this cartoon lasts when it ends like I don't I'm not filling that void up with more work I'm filling it up with more of my kid so you prefer doing I mean stand up is still so fulfilling to you that you don't need to do last night last night I did a gig for WDVE Randy Baumann he's been putting me on like he's one of like they used to be a guy like that in every town and Clear Channel just fucking eviscerated all of them and he survived and this guy like Pittsburgh was a hard ticket to sell and where the improv was was in this this fucking mall
Starting point is 00:24:45 and there was one way in and one way out and it was just a shit show so you and it was a big 400 cedar and it was just like in pot it was just so fucking hard so and I got to know him and on the rich pitch tour Charlie Murphy rested soul and Don L. Rowling's who was in Pittsburgh when I was there and um Randy Baumann's like a promoter he's like oh he's he's he's the Pittsburgh guy on the Pittsburgh Steelers Pittsburgh Penguins Pittsburgh by radio network oh okay okay so like yeah if you if you live there that would be the morning drive that you listen to yes yeah absolutely so he um you know he he told me like I would have a Thursday through Sunday there and I wouldn't be drawn fly so he goes dude next time you come he goes call in
Starting point is 00:25:29 during the year when the Bruins played the penguins or the Patriots played the Steelers you know if there's an interleague yeah about the Bruins oh god yeah I still haven't gotten over that okay I haven't gotten over the fact uh I'm fine with the blues winning it I haven't gotten over the fact I that that officiating is gonna bug me for a while like that they let them fight in the playoffs and and they they that they let them play that way yeah the way they haven't let people play and then we would we had like a brought a knife to a gunfight like we got we got the shit kicked out of us why didn't you watch the Bruins team getting out Bruin must be really frustrated it was really frustrating you know it's sorry but but the other side is though
Starting point is 00:26:07 the other side is the style of hockey that st louis played I like you want that consistent yeah I would like it to come back yeah exactly because everybody all of these fucking assholes watched olympic hockey I was like there's no fighting that's the kind of hockey I would watch and the NHL always zigs when they should zag they listen to that shit I will I will tell this it's as frustrating as that is and by the way last night when I was in the place where we performed was where the penguins play okay they they had the they sold the arena right and uh I was in my dressing room and they when I went in there they had game seven of the Bruins st louis and it was it was two to nothing st louis and in my head I thought mario lemieux made sure they did that
Starting point is 00:26:53 because he's a ball breaker I did a couple things for him I was like is this guy still busting my chops that's funny maybe it was no no no they said it didn't come from him but they definitely said that they were going to tell him so he could laugh at me because but you also get Pittsburgh respect I mean you like it's one of my favorite towns ever and I thought I got like I got like amped up when I went up to their venue and I saw they have their five I mean they have the real banners inside but they hang them outside like five like the Stanley Cup things that I just thinking like they didn't have shit yeah like when I was a kid they didn't have one and they've won five since 91 I think like that is really fucking impressive pretty cool and the fact
Starting point is 00:27:33 that they they they got Lemieux and Yager and then they went away and then they had they had a dip and then they got Crosby and Malkin that's really hard to do and you're you're a fucking great franchise if you if you can do that um because I don't know who owned the penguins before Lemieux started running shit but like to transition the way they did like say like the Patriots like Bill Belichick's almost 70 Tom Brady's you know who knows when he's gonna quit but I mean it's it's towards the end when those two guys leaving Bob Kraft is no spring chicken that's true when that all goes away that's true like the obvious happens but for the obvious not to happen it's very rare that you go from where are they great to from all the greats leaving and then more
Starting point is 00:28:18 greats come that quickly like if you look at the Miami Dolphins where they went from Bob Greasy I always bring this point up to Dan Marino then Dan Marino left in 99 they're still waiting that's right and they've signed free agents and they've they've you know they've they got that kid from the Jets they got that Jay Cutler Chad Pennington Jay Cutler they've they've gone through fucking everybody they just haven't been able to find a guy that's right yeah and now who's to who's there got Tana you can do what the Colts do and see a guy you want and then just tank a fucking season yeah Jim Ursay one of the biggest cheats in the fucking business he cheats so much he like points it it's like the fucking dude that's like a frat boy date
Starting point is 00:29:00 rapist with the me too button on that that's he's the football version of that yeah yeah I I didn't want me to go on a tangent but there was a but you know what I was gonna say something about hockey I know nothing about hockey I know I only know about hockey through your show and and it's just for whatever reason I didn't grow up with it it's a sport that does not interest me but I still this I still love hearing you talk about hockey I wonder how many other listeners are like that I don't know because you talk about it it's the greatest sport even though I'm still you make a good case for it that that that that crushing loss but like but they don't show the fights anymore they don't even I they don't they don't show the
Starting point is 00:29:44 fights and they don't fight this what fucking kills me is the way St. Louis was playing was why you have an enforcer and they would come out there and they'd beat the shit out of somebody or run their gold tender yeah I can't do I really can't keep the the force is too too soon so so right sorry sorry I brought it up but Randy Bowman you were saying Randy Bowman brings you out there oh yeah so Randy has been bringing me out there forever and so last night you know he had us all come out there like it was just like his it was Jessica Kersen Ian bag Billy Gardell I always am so but I'm gonna fucking forget somebody Bill Caldwell Randy Bowman who else who else I'm gonna I'm gonna remember on the on the walk home and you said and just to do so we went up
Starting point is 00:30:35 there and we just and you are asking about like how much fun it is yeah and I was sitting there going like I have not done a lot of time because I've been doing this stupid you know acting thing right it's not stupid I just felt dumb saying I've been in a movie yeah so I've been doing like spots and shit but not like hitting it hard and all of a sudden I got to do like this this arena and and you know I thought okay we're all gonna do 20s and they had me going fucking last so I got to follow all of these beasts everybody fucking murdered right and then um I was just sitting there going like all right what do I talk about when I go up there and I just I just decided like don't you know don't put any pressure on you and it went up there and it fucking went great and I
Starting point is 00:31:19 just felt like it's just this just enough feeling about yeah and then I was doing my abortion bit and as always as always some way I can't wait to hear this some white lady just goes in her 20s and just she's like next move on move on nope no yeah I hate that one no but she was cool because I made fun of her and then she was she was cool and then she was also there with the date so I made a whole big joke going like and I'm being cool with you when I go not because of you it's because of the guy you're with and I'm a fucking wingman I want him to have a good ride home and he fucking gave you know I don't want to be a cock blocker yeah well I don't want him to hurt you know he's got his fucking sit there and listen to an earful of shit because of what I said
Starting point is 00:31:59 even though she brought the whole thing on well I was asking you about that earlier it's but like how would why would people go and to your show they know your sensibility they know but but this is different right because it's like a bunch of comedians there was a bunch but they were still cool like it's it's more um it's more uh if I go to do like a guest spot like then and then I kind of have to understand that but it's it's also like a uh it's it's like a it's a fun fucking situation it's never like a bad thing uh has it ever derailed a show like have you ever had a heckler so about one of these these people you know about the abortion bit let's say who is who's thrown you off so much that it's it's changed the course of a show for you oh fuck yeah in the
Starting point is 00:32:45 beginning you you would Roy Woods jr just got it sorry for the listeners bill yes bill got like kind of a vacant look on his face for the last one because it's bugging me 30s and I felt like I needed to kind of stall and filibuster right because I knew you were trying to remember trying to remember so you're an actor you can read you can read people but you know yelling at one another not to jump back to that it was so fun for me it's so fun for me to do those scenes with you bill plays my dad on the show and and frank frank murphy and uh there's no one better at yelling there's no one better at like expressing rage I know it's embarrassing dude my anger is embarrassing to me at this point well you've been working on a lot I have but I haven't been going to therapy
Starting point is 00:33:33 because I don't want to do that shit over the phone it's just fucking weird like I'm ordering a pizza and I'm talking about my fucking feelings it's just prefer in person in person and I prefer a woman oh I don't like fucking sitting there talking to another guy like that intimate weird shit just gets fucking weird well because eventually it beers into it could be sexual or it could be your like childhood stuff and it's you know you don't want to yeah you get like choked up and then sitting there with some guy it's just it's too fucking weird it's too fun I don't want to reach that level of comfort yeah with another straight guy I just don't you can call it homophobic I don't give a shit okay this is my therapy session I'm living my truth this is what I'm
Starting point is 00:34:12 comfortable with that's that makes sense yeah I do yeah are you do you cry easily do you do like if you're around your wife or your daughter you must have really moving moments I mean you talk um I animals suffering children suffering um I'm kind of hack I'm a hacky crier and and people dying yeah like I got a friend of mine that's gonna go soon and then I had to go I'm gonna say goodbye to him it's fucking brutal yeah it's just fucking brutal so well it's like the important I mean that's that's like but like I'm not like but like when my wife would watch The Biggest Loser and those those fatties would start crying like I would just die I would die laughing I would die laughing and my wife would get so mad at me
Starting point is 00:34:59 she goes this show is inspirational what's wrong with you it's like it's a guy crying over sandwiches this is just funny right and then what was hilarious was when she came to my house one time and and she was totally into the show so it was like the finale and there was these two brothers who I don't know what happened to them but the more they lost their weight the more emotionally got in it literally got to the point where like the guy would reach over and turn on a lamp and just start crying like six weeks ago I couldn't do that my armpit fat would have blocked me I couldn't even see this switch right my fingers were too chubby yeah exactly I couldn't I couldn't I didn't know there was a light in the room I was blocking it all out with my lard so we're watching it at home
Starting point is 00:35:42 because Nia wanted to watch it and one of those fucking dudes got up there and started crying and I started laughing and my wife elbowed me I was laughing quietly because I didn't want to embarrass my wife or whatever and then my mother walked in the room and saw the guy crying and she goes oh my god she goes come on get it together get it together and then my wife just like she's just like mrs burr and yeah well it must have been like okay apple doesn't fall far from the from far from the tree over there um oh no my mother's fucking hilarious I can I can I met her briefly I can't uh oh no she is like yeah yeah she's like my mother is is like totally uh like she she holds you responsible for your actions and I mean that like what's the biggest
Starting point is 00:36:32 compliment well okay the way people raise kids now yeah where what is your feelings what is wrong talk to me but blah blah blah or if you fall down it's always like hugs and everything my mother would just be like wow you shouldn't have done that what did you what what did you think was going to happen use your fucking hands yeah that was literally that's funny it was just like you know well you idiot you should have been riding your bike out in the street that's that's the consequences yeah and I think that then always be like a tinge of anger and I think that that was the love that she didn't know how to express she didn't know how to hug she's you know she's she's the exact like but but what I love about it is it's it's made me who I am in a great way yeah but it's probably
Starting point is 00:37:18 also made you appreciate the huggers in your life the people who are able to show affection and it depends yeah it depends because some huggers are just fucking gross they're just yeah people sure there's a lot of people you don't want to hug most of the people we passed on the way here it was just sweaty and glittery gross yeah and lardy jiggly a lot of jiggling bad jiggling high energy yeah I mean I was just a grumpy old man and it's so fucking hot we have to impress upon people how like oppressively hot it is dude that's a part of it I guess I mean if we're like kind of brisk you know nice weather now do you think that that that that is why they have the gay pride now or is that people not liking gays and they make a march in this really hot weather
Starting point is 00:37:59 over the gays like we're not wearing clothes anyways honey I don't care any excuse well we had a dance at that at Vassar which I keep talking it called the homo hop that was like the big dance at my college it's called a homo hop isn't that crazy and this is in 90 that late 90s right oh yeah so that's I mean kind of ahead of its time uh believe it or not that was a long that was a long time forget about time that was socially a long time ago I listen to this guy who was doing yeah oh that was like centuries ago yeah who did the office one of the most absurd shows ever yeah my totally absurd borderline could get cartoonish towards the end can't do it anymore that's what he said yeah he goes you could not do that show it's and I was trying to think what in
Starting point is 00:38:42 the fuck oh dude watch Seinfeld every Seinfeld episode and you watch it and now knowing what you know about writing tv shows you like the brilliance of the the structure of those episodes it's right it's a I marvel at how that show is written right and so much of it you can't do so many episodes there's always something that comes up at one point like well you can't do that anymore and people well they they were the anti-progressive they were all about themselves that's what I loved about I thought that you know what I loved that they were so selfishly about their own needs but it wasn't malicious but then in the end well they used to always bite him in the ass but then in the end then they get a put on trial by all the characters and everything I love the last episode
Starting point is 00:39:24 I think that's coming around great people are going to go back and watch the last episode I think they got too freaked out that they took him out of New York but I loved it well it was when they lost Larry David I mean it's something that show lost something when uh but but I that's the next over waiting for guffman a show like waiting for guffman just doing that voice just that corki's ever you've seen waiting for guffman corki saint claire oh man you'll love it there's so many you know what I saw yesterday that I really fucking like do you ever see lee marvin in uh point blank no dude if it did well did you ever see um tim robbins in there's a movie oh yeah the play but not the player no the uh uh jesus christ I always I always use this um as a reference
Starting point is 00:40:04 about hollywood no the one where he's the vietnam vet and he gets shot jacob's ladder jacob's ladder this thing so this is jacob's ladder before jacob's ladder oh okay where you're watching it going like was this all a dream or whatever and it's just like well lee marvin some of those movies in the 70s you see them they're like that when it comes to like I mean we parody it on f is for family you guys are like really funny about parodying that on where they used to like slap women I mean it was like it wasn't borderline abusive it was like those guys were like oh yeah talk about oh yeah culturally different I mean that's why I like watching uh like me tv did something I had you know everybody had like a reaction to this this whole like political divide and screaming and
Starting point is 00:40:49 yelling at each other and and people went down the rabbit hole yeah on either side and went like further more further extreme or you just sort of tapped out I tapped out and I just went the rabbit hole I went down was like me tv and I just started watching all of these old tv shows and all of these old movies the best that took me back to like when I was a kid and I used to watch him with my parents we'd make popcorn and we thought it was amazing that we had beanbags and we had a we didn't even have a color tv we know a color tv till I was like 10 yeah we got one pretty late we we had like a 13 inch tv for the first 10 11 years of my life but and so f is for family parody is that but it's also it's also looks like kind of fondly on it
Starting point is 00:41:38 there's something about that's why I like there's something about that show where it's like yeah that's funny and like they were kind of they weren't doing things quote unquote properly but there was something beautiful about the simplicity of it all you know yeah I I've I've I don't know something happened to me man I've been doing that I got back into reading oh really you're about to read I'm not a tea do you know I just sablers knew I just read oh my god dude when I'm done with that you got to read that thing you want to talk about if you tried to make a movie out of that fucking book just the first chapter where he they just talk about all the women they bang let's say Christopher Plummer's book about acting it's like it might as well
Starting point is 00:42:16 well be called like here's who I slept with oh yeah it's a lot of like and then I bedded so and so and then I did right hadn't read the fifth and I hate how the shit can be out that long and now any fucking asshole now when they want to put themselves up on a pedestal can then go back and look at something like that and then just be like uh sanctimony is yeah and it's just like no what they're showing you is what you would be like if you if you were born during his generation somehow everybody in 2019 can look back like John Wayne was my favorite one that they attend the guy's been dead for 40 years did they come yeah and he was born in 1907 and they're like giving him shit and it's just like no dude do you this is what you would sound like if you were born in 1907
Starting point is 00:43:01 stop acting like you would be woke signaling in the roaring 20s you were woke in the roaring 20s you'd be like put away you'd be a you would be beyond what would be woke right woke in the 20s woke in the 20s that's funny woke in the 20s you would be going we need to be nice to these and you'd be using racial slurs and then you'd say things like we need to be nice to these whatever so they need to have their own section of town where they stay away from us but there should be these these so and so should be allowed to have running water yeah that would be a liberal and the really woke ones would be like and you know what we should even be a little nice to these so and so yeah these new so and so and the next fuck the next so and so yeah yeah it's funny I was
Starting point is 00:43:47 just reading uh because I don't read a lot either I want I read like a lot of quarter of books I get the I get really jazzed about a book and I read the first quarter uh but I was gonna recommend getting the gist yeah yeah okay all right I get it I see what you're doing here all right whatever but I uh my brother and I were writing this thing about um that was set into like late 1800s this kind of goes common and I wanted to get the a feel for the language and so I started reading the on on uh Walden Pond I started reading which I had never read and it's like a the row book where they oh my god they make you read and I can't believe I don't think I'd ever read I didn't remember it anyway what is it called it's called uh Walden Pond Walden Pond on Walden yeah that was
Starting point is 00:44:26 in Massachusetts wasn't it yeah I think or or New Hampshire sure I should know this I've read a quarter of it okay but there's a part in it and he was like the transcendentalist you know he was part of that movement that was like they were a huge abolitionists and so they were very for their time they were like the woke guy the the transcendentalists were like like they were the woke guys for their time and uh and girls okay and and fluid and they and they and she's and he's all of us and us us is too us humans humans I guess that's why people have you noticed that on instagram a lot like this is my favorite human I love this human have you noticed people using that language so you can't get in trouble maybe maybe uh but Thoreau said he was talking about you know uh how
Starting point is 00:45:11 wrong slavery is and like all of these progressive um things and and then he goes but uh but then he started talking about irish people and he was like he said he started talking shit about irish people and it was like except everyone should be allowed to have these freedom except of course the irish oh wow yeah which was crazy to me at the time that like they that was the the the minority that was not I even even the the woke people at the time weren't open to well I didn't know I'd never heard of that that Nina which meant uh no irish need apply mm-hmm I never heard of that so like when they came over like that's that's what they they were were greeted with I got to read a little bit of advertising if you want to sit here and watch me watch me read out loud live yeah all
Starting point is 00:45:53 right who do we oh we got a bunch here we got a bunch here yeah oh there's three here all right what do we got we got manscaped honey ah I saw a lot of manscaped people out there and I'll tell you they were fierce uh for the Monday morning podcast comes manscaped if you're going to the pride parade it's a little late to do this but for next year gay pride all right when you're going down wearing a thong and a fucking antelope head uh please use this product yes number one in men's below the belt grooming and use it above the belt too guys who's getting who gays know to do this this is for straight guys shave your hairy ass they've known for years yes manscape offers precision this means it won't chip you fucking nutbag there engineered tools for manscaping with the right
Starting point is 00:46:41 tool for the job talking points yeah ball bag your ball bag your ball bag wouldn't it be nice if it was smooth when you were younger but still ready to operate don't look at me when you're with a full grown woman bills staring right at me I am I'll talk about my ball bag right in front of you evoke evoking the memory and fear of nicking your ball sack while manscaping oh this is what i'm supposed to be doing and he's like this is like this is like what's his face the guy from streets of san francisco when he was in that movie don't dance well i didn't know that give him the guy but uh uh uh uh call malden and uh the guy married the fucking raven hair chick uh michael douglas okay okay anyway and anyway he was in that that movie
Starting point is 00:47:26 you never saw that no kirk douglas no michael is with carl malden really in the streets of san francisco i never saw it i never saw it dude you never heard that you never heard the fucking theme song to that no dude this this is are you allowed to do this while you're reading the ads yes oh no cuz this is why people don't skip over my ads this is great let's see if i can find this it's true the ads are some of the best parts the dude this this shit here and the companies don't get they don't care they don't get upset tv tuners you lose some advertisers right bill jefferson taxi that's not it i got all these things monday night football ah you fucking cunt dude i'm playing that i gotta play that dude it's oh yeah dude yeah
Starting point is 00:48:13 the beastie boy should have covered it was so quite theme streets of san francisco here i can do that while you're reading yeah you do that there you go i'll do this look at this it's now it's a it's a two-hander is what they call it in the business let's say yeah it's a two-hand kick here all right so let's get let's get back to manscaped here where the fuck is it transition back to smooth balls but you can do it i don't know where i don't know where the advertising went what the fuck you got to be kidding me it just went away oh so you you lost them already as an advertiser no i just it all just went away like i had okay i'm gonna play it patrick streets of san francisco theme
Starting point is 00:48:56 no i need i need to do this shit oh fuck i got now you can edit this right now people find this interesting i guess i do this wait wait till the horns kicking here we go see extended version oh that's cool we'd be sitting on our bean bags with fucking popcorn starring carl malden also starring michael guatton's yarn the streets of san francisco in color that's cool that went great i love this quick edit yeah so all of this shit this is like what
Starting point is 00:49:46 colt luger yeah and all this stuff i don't know if i can play the whole song i might get in trouble i might i might owe some money or something only played fucking three minutes of that oh shit that's cool yeah and it would just be like carl malden was like a fucking 90-year-old white guy and he'd be chasing down Puerto rican's and somehow catching up to him yeah he's such a beefy it wasn't necessarily that show but it was just so many of those those cop shows yeah yeah street blues and stuff like colt luger he's supposed to be um colt luger is on uh fs family sorry yeah he's supposed to be like a former movie star yeah who was like a sex symbol everything and now it's from a tv show he's at that point in his career we're now he's doing tv and
Starting point is 00:50:31 back then doing jan michael vincent yeah like doing i loved jan michael vincent i think he just died yeah he did he did not die in a pretty way either oh really oh yeah he started doing a lot in a fucking dead tree man he was like fucking losing his legs and shit i know he had diabetes yeah i was bad she was you know i knew him from because he started doing talk so then after you do that tv show like you were mentioning then you start doing what i grew up watching during my formative years which is skin and max movies you'd start doing like caged fury you know like movies like that you know those like skin and max you know what they didn't use what manscape oh god that's how i bring it back i bring it back all right fucking segway there
Starting point is 00:51:10 fucking the fucking segway okay evoking memories of the fear of nicking your ballsack while manscaping uh yeah do i need to evoke the fear how would you how would you know i don't know i want to know what you have anyways uh you listen i you guys like your ball bag do you like your ball bag being fucking do you like the contents of your ball bag yeah you want him to stay in your balls um use manscape it's the perfect package 2.0 kit that features the lawn mower jeez that sounds like it's for the ladies you need a weed whacker for the men there 2.0 with the skin safe technology this trimmer trimmer won't nick or snag your nuts what's worse a nick or a snag oh boy well snag suggests that it's still in there i would take the snag because you get it over with a snag means
Starting point is 00:51:59 like so much of your ball bag got in there that it stopped the machine exactly a nick you took the loss and you're gonna feel that for a while and then when the snag you gotta somehow extricate your your balls there from yeah and then later on that night when you're getting a little bit of action you know and still a fresh cut down there then you gotta worry that you know right well god knows what just went in there women have to hate balls i that always amazed me when when oh they get enough advantages they can take a couple of balls every once well it's also 100 waterproof so you can use it in the shower you can fucking shave your balls in the shower don't use the trimmer you did that when i was a kid you died well and everybody laughed at you hey he electrocuted himself
Starting point is 00:52:38 trying to shave his balls well you know what they should do with a ball shaver uh they should wait they should somehow find a way to make the balls cold you know there should be some sort of air conditioning unit so they shrivel up and then you get that kind of like elephant skin and then it's easier why does it want to be more wrinkled no no wrinkled is when it's warm and they kind of hang but but when it's cold and they need to to go back into your body it gets kind of like tight and more of an like an easy oh that's and that's the expression feel you uh freeze your your balls off because your balls literally will pull pull up into you yeah yeah see you went to see say rescind yeah so i thought you meant so you know about balls so balls yeah balls go yeah
Starting point is 00:53:16 all right don't use the same trimmer on your face that you use on your balls i don't understand that your balls are your balls should be offended your balls are cleaner than your face your face is just taking the fucking asshole yeah they're protected by layers of clothes yeah precision tools i bet those arab women have really clean fucking faces right with they have underwear in their face precision tools really pale for your family jewels your balls will thank you get 20% off free shipping and a free travel bag with the code burr at manscape.com all right and we got me undies me undies me undies going to the gay pride parade me undies me undies did i mention they were gay running around in the village why'd i say village i can't rhyme with that whatever
Starting point is 00:54:08 too many fucking sweaty people trying to try to grab some balls and pillage me undies me undies cut a hole in the butt and make an easier entrance summer comes with a number of awesome perks vacations beach days and barbecues but the one perk that out shines out shines them all is summer themed undies courtesy of you guessed it me undies me undies you guys should make a gay pride fucking me undies me undies is the only brand that lets you eat pineapples while wearing pineapple undies or watch this or watch the sky that's how they they use the manscape thing they they see if it can it can fucking cut a pineapple without damaging any of the pineapple itself i'd love to be a product tester for that company yeah all right you cut your balls again we're so sorry kiwis would
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Starting point is 00:55:48 you will ever put on this is a big fat duh for a second i thought you said that i thought that came out of your brain i was really surprised that must be tough to read that joke was sweated on me from the parade on the way over here to get 15 off your first pair free shipping and 100 satisfaction guarantee go to me undies dot com slash bird that's me undies dot com slash for and lastly but not leastly uh stamps dot com the u.s postal service is an important tool for any business stamps dot com is the easiest way to access all the amazing services of the post office stamps dot com never closes print postage for letters and packages at your convenience 24 7 print postage for any mail class right from your own computer stamps dot com brings all the amazing
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Starting point is 00:57:20 in the promo does he hit me up my lusher van alles neem ik 3 new men know i'm at the erk van ons hier zalig pasen ramadam oe berk geniet van pasen en ramadan met het verrassend en diverse assortiment van albert heijn en kijk zeker ook naar de tweede aflevering op de wereld in het klein punt b a dat is het lekker van albert heijn alright we're in the home stretcher you want to do uh how much time are we done here with four what are we up to 40 56 minutes so i can feel an hour man that's how long i've been doing this all right damn let's do uh you know i'm jealous of your meat what's the meat company that you that you advertise oh butcher boss god i wish they were i'm doing the yeah i wish we would you gotta get you gotta
Starting point is 00:58:03 get the heritage breed pork i know i'm well i'm trying to get them to be a sponsor so we get free well that what's the name of your podcast life is short yeah life is short guys life is short do with my brother uh it's so fucking fun okay about that when you're saying how fun it is to do stand up and the difference between acting you know you've been acting this thing yeah this is great and don't ever don't ever sell your rights or give this is your thing you don't ever fucking do that i'm doing over the company it's company wondering i know i know i i know you ever want to free yourself come over to come over to fucking all things comedy we don't poach we don't poach just saying you own your podcast all right dear billy the dillf
Starting point is 00:58:40 this is from a a female fan that's a dad i'd like to fuck look at me yeah yeah i'd like to fuck you that's cool that's cool every once in a while i get a little nod i am assumed to be 20 year old 24 year old lady lady lady i said lady because i my eyes go faster than i'm able to lady a major lady from serbian part of bosnia and has hers ago vina oh wow that's eastern europe everybody i am currently studying economics in vienna and i am so sad i missed you in january and one of my favorite gigs i've ever done i'll definitely be back because i had to wait for my visa to approve back home in bosnia hope you'll come again sometime i definitely will i've been waiting to write in for quite some time because i think i have the perfect opening greeting
Starting point is 00:59:30 because you are a dillf this is fucking bizarre i'm already i'm already saying this is bullshit this is a guy from transylvania writing this in you are actually my father's age gross this is getting more okay i have no father issue at all oh none at all if you were wondering she does protest too much i just think you're really handsome who knew that's where if you go to eastern europe i'm actually a good-looking guy um good evening my question is are you going to wimbledon this year to support novak jokovic have you ever watched him play yes i've watched him play at roland garros garros roland garros uh the french open to us americans he will probably be in the final again this year or so i hope he has had one of the best comebacks in the history of tennis going from an
Starting point is 01:00:20 elbow injury to number one again since last year all the best to you and your family well you know something i'm like she brings her family into it yeah i'd like to bang in front of your wife all the best ps when you were on conan you said you were coming to bosnia as part of your european tour and you weren't oh oh well i must have fucked up i think i meant boston i thought that would be something you could chime in on all right let me do something else here okay well you know what i was just thinking about me i was i was hung up on the fact that she was born either right after at the height of that war that like really intense war yeah that's i got a little intense with the genocide and all that did and here here she is now a grown woman didn't clinton
Starting point is 01:01:03 lob a couple bombs over there because he was trying to get the blowjob heat off of them dude they're they're fucking animals they're all animals other than jimmy carter but here now i like the first george bush i love jimmy carter jimmy carter is a great guy george bush was fucking pilot in world war two there's nothing not to like other than that you had an actor you had the boss's son you had a horny jerk off from arkansas what are you i you know what i you've been getting a lot of letters from women which is great and i know you're excited about that but the the last few you got the last one was kind of like you it was hard to even figure out what it meant it was so uh yeah that happens a lot well if
Starting point is 01:01:38 you listen to me read out loud it's hard to figure out what i meant so that's my audience that's what i have no one to blame but myself right well you can't shit on them because they're your fans too oh they they shit on me all the time billy bum balls all right glad you're enjoying being a dad mine's five now the only times the only times in reacted with okay the only times i reacted with other kids were all right one my kid's mate was blasting my boy in the face with the super soakers so i took it out of his hand and blasted him in the face till he started crying jesus what i know you shouldn't do that but i understand chris rock i understand and two two some bigger kids were playing football next to my toddler toddler but the toddler playground
Starting point is 01:02:29 and they kicked the ball over the fence so i picked up the ball and threw it as far as i could oh dude yeah this guy's got issues i used to play in goal so i knew how to throw it after they asked where the ball went they went off looking for it they never came back love from london oh this piece like a hooligan oh football he's talking soccer he played goals so he did he did the fucking yeah i know i know how to do it these little fucking cunts they never found the ball again they okay they deserved it well it's a bit like what you're dealing with on the playground with that that's such a funny story when you call under your breath you call they get a fat fuck oh you fat fuck oh yeah and then his friend was watching you stared at me then
Starting point is 01:03:10 they took he was talking yeah i know i know i know that made me laugh so hard imagining it with a big dumb mustache yeah it was bad imagining those two little kids it's probably the first time they heard an adult call them a fat fuck i'm guessing i guess wasn't my prouder moment yeah but i mean what do you do you want to defend your your little sweet little daughter i mean it must be yeah dude i gotta tell you like the craziest thing about becoming a parent is that they when you realize you know they're old enough and you suddenly feel like that that being needed uh-huh yeah it's fucking crazy yeah and i don't mean and you're to satisfy your own ego this person needs me it's just like whoa like like i i have a responsibility i have to be here so
Starting point is 01:03:54 shit um you know i hung out with uh my friend's kid not not like separate from their parents and i noticed we were doing bits together i was we were yeah man i was it was felt so good making this kid laugh oh yeah and and it started to advance this thing she would be on the couch and i was down on the floor and then she would get off the couch and i'd start going up on the and it was this back and forth and then she'd go halfway and i'd go halfway and it was making her laugh so hard it felt so good and i and i started to see the the evolution of her sense of humor a little yeah but that must be a thrill to watch her yeah discover comedy no she has she has a ridiculous ridiculous sense of humor i bet like she gets she gets like in like a mischievous way if she
Starting point is 01:04:40 doesn't do what we say she thinks it's funny you know but obvious but she and then she also can hear tone when i'm being serious like you know if she doesn't do something that i wanted to do and i think it's funny i just go hey and then she runs away and it's funny but uh you got to be careful with that because you got to make sure they also know when you seriously mean something because then they go outside because they don't because they go outside and they walk towards a truck oh and you're like hey stop and then like ha ha ha yeah you gotta watch out yeah like i i have yeah the the left the steven steven king has nothing on a parent's imagination of a fucking horrible shit that you can think let's read one more and then we'll be done here all right uh
Starting point is 01:05:18 ford verse for by the way thank you so much for coming on oh this is what a thrill for a kind of sarcastic but i i know what a thrill i can tell how fucking excited you are but you've been you've been a little little nervous yeah yeah i'm sorry no you've been you've been like you've been a little like you're definitely showing the podcast too much respect ah no it's deserved all right ford verse ferrari not to say that your performance suffered before you get in your actor head here all right hey uh billy putt plug uh when you were talking on your last podcast about how dominant ferrari was at f1 it reminded me that the trailer for ford verse ferrari just came out which may interest you i heard that's incredible it stars matt daemon and christian bail i'm in and it's
Starting point is 01:06:01 about the story of ford trying to engineer a car and find a driver to beat ferrari at the 1966 lamans which i know how that ended uh would like to know would like to know how wet this makes you gross thanks and go fuck yourself i don't even know if that's still in in theaters but uh that's a big that's a big fucking baby boomer super rich guy car is to buy one of those four that four gt from the lamans uh i always say i had it as a kid i had it like at the toy car i had all these guys like jackie steward's elf car the blue one the johnny player special i had all of these these race cars when i was a kid not knowing who these people were and then later in my adult life i got into racing and i went back through the history i was going like
Starting point is 01:06:45 i had that guy's toy i mean i knew of jackie steward but uh anyways that's a whole another tangent here and uh my kid gets up in like another hour so i gotta wrap this up all right i gotta tell you dude if i had there's no other person i would want to wade through the gay pride parade at 95 degrees within you dude i gotta thank you for all your seasons of absolutely fucking brilliant work i love doing it i fucking love doing it it's such a fun character i mean you know we should record more in person because that's i miss doing that i miss being yeah well if you can ever get sam to get out of the fucking house that agoraphobic lunatic and fucking oscar winning son of a bitch how about that huh great but i think we got a couple of oscar winners at
Starting point is 01:07:25 this point yeah as lauren did she she's got it she must have something she's been nominated i don't know if you know golden globe she has she's got all that stuff she has that and also everything she has that ability everything that she picks is always amazing yeah and i love vince's character on it i know i've been really enjoying that because i you know when you record them you don't really get to i don't always read the episodes i just go which is embarrassing to admit yeah read my stuff but i also as a fan of the show i like waiting for the episode to come out yeah i fucking love vince's stuff so fun man all right well season four should be coming out uh i don't know probably beginning next year they renewed us pretty quick this year so we we cranked them
Starting point is 01:08:05 out actually i gotta i gotta go home and fucking edit one of the animatics my favorite thing oh really editing yeah i hate it i hate it but uh but i do it it's a labor of love all right justin long everybody has his own podcast called life is short uh where can we see it apple all over what apple one wendery wendery dot com wendery dot com and short what do they call the apple music thing itunes itunes oh god see that oh boy it's like the blind leading the blind you really are 41 yeah i never the first time ever you look 41 on the apple thing it's a fruit it's a pair pair dot com the worldwide web there the worldwide web all right justin thank you so much thanks and uh good luck to both of us getting the fuck out of here oh my god all right buddy oh too beautiful i'm sorry
Starting point is 01:08:54 i was i i feel i shouldn't have said that i shouldn't have said that what i know i'm gonna get out no i tell you i meant to say you had a nervous excitement about doing i do i can tell what when i did the uh you're watching the monday morning podcast i am listening to it i could i could feel you being like he's saying he's saying that thing yeah yeah it's funny i had that reaction yeah it's weird when you know something so and also feeling like i mean you must get this even though woolly mammoths have been extinct for tens of thousands of years with the metaverse students will be able to go back to the ice age to visit them the metaverse may be virtual but the impact will be real learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact

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