Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-11-16
Episode Date: July 11, 2016Bill rambles about hairy backs, 80's gyms and destruction of property....
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Recording this, 6.01 pm on Sunday, July 10th.
Still fucking light as hell out, even though it's getting darker by the day.
I'm in a great mood.
I think my sciatica is fine.
Sciatica, uh, oh, oh, uh, uh.
I think it finally went away.
Like 90, 95% of it went away.
That masseuse that I was seeing who was fucking amazing went to her again.
She beat the shit out of me.
Um, and showed me this stretch for my leg.
I just lay on the floor and put my leg up against the door jam.
And it's been working fucking wonders for me.
Um, and I really feel like I'm going to see her again next week.
I just keep doing that stretch, do all these other stretches.
She was telling me all of this shit.
You know, I need to strengthen my obliques because it's putting stress on my lower back, the whole fucking thing.
My back feels amazing.
And what's so great is my back has been fucked up for 30 years.
You know, I did a podcast this week, not trying to drop any names, but stone cold Steve Austin, the stone cold.
And that's the bottom line cause stone cold said so.
I did his podcast.
He's a, we talked for like two and a half hours.
Um, he's going to turn it into, I think a part one and a part two.
And, um, I was talking to him on that podcast.
How the first time I threw out my back, the two times, three times in my childhood, I threw out my back.
Two of the times was, was doing wrestling moves.
Right.
One was the figure four leg lock, which I've told you before, that's the first time I threw out my lower back.
Right.
And then, uh, trying to imitate Gary Valentine.
This kid was trying to show me how to do it.
He did it and everybody went nuts and he wouldn't fucking let me out of it.
Cause all the fourth graders started flipping out like it was the WWF.
Right.
And then when I was like at seventh or eighth grade, or maybe the beginning of high school,
I, uh, I tried to pick my little brother up over my head, like Tony Atlas, his finishing move.
And I swear to God, like three quarters of the way up my spine, it felt like it folded.
And I just had to kind of drop my brother and drop him down on the fucking ground.
Fortunately, there was wall to wall.
Cop it in cause it was left over from the seventies there.
Um, but anyways, uh, yeah.
So my back has been fucked.
And then I was playing just pick up football and I fucked up my lower back.
And for the last 30 years, if I ever fell asleep laying on my stomach, like, uh, I woke up in unbelievable pain.
And I literally like just slide down the side of the bed, get on my back and just start doing stretches for a half an hour to get it undone.
And, uh, that has gone away and the sciatic things gone away.
And I guess I had no fucking idea.
I thought, you know, like I stretch, you know what I mean?
I get a massage once every couple of years.
I thought I was all right, but I guess all the way down the rights, I probably shouldn't do this.
If I lose my health insurance, they'll just have to just splice together all my podcasts to get all my preexisting conditions.
Um, that muscle that runs down your entire right side, that whole thing was spaziming.
And then like half of it on the left side, the muscles in my fucking left thigh and left calf.
Dude, she fucking slammed her elbow into the back of my fucking leg and was bringing it up.
It literally felt like my leg was going to fucking explode.
Um, but, uh, but it's actually, it's been way better.
And like today I just, I don't know, I just kind of felt something.
Everything kind of like freed up.
And, uh, I'm just going to keep going to these people and I'm going to try to get my back.
I had no idea how fucked up it was.
I'm psyched and all these people go, dude, you know, you got to go get, just go to a doctor.
You know, these chiropractors of this, these masseuses of that, just go to a doctor,
get a cortisone shot and fucking get an operation.
And I was like, fuck that.
The last place you ever want to get an operation on is your fucking back.
Um, as far as I've seen, like, you remember when they were operating on Bobby Orr's knees
and they just was scooping shit out next thing you know, he was like bone to bone at like 27 years old.
Um, I feel like, you know, as far as they've come with knee surgery, like back surgery,
they're still in those Bobby Orr years and I just don't want to risk it.
I would never do that.
So I'm happy that I was able to do it in a non evasive way.
And it's literally affected my mood in like a positive way.
So I'm so psyched about that.
But as I mentioned before, Stone Cold Steve Austin's podcast, he's got a podcast and I could not believe,
I don't want to ruin anything that we talked about, but I could not believe the similarities of wrestling to stand up
as far as listening to the crowd, you know, not getting them all the way too high before you're going to get off
and building up your time.
Like that's a big thing when you're, you're like a comedian starting out like you're doing 10 minutes sets
and then one night somebody tells you to do 15 and X to five minutes doesn't sound like a lot,
but that's like you coming up with another 50% more of your act, you know.
Does the math work out all right in that?
I mean, the five minutes is a lot of fucking time.
And he was the same thing.
He would wrestle for like eight fucking minutes.
And then one day he moves up and they go, all right, give us 20 minutes.
He's thinking, what the fuck am I going to do?
Am I going to do this for 20 minutes?
But of course, you know, we don't get the shit kicked out of us.
But I will definitely retweet when that thing is going to be on.
I had a great time with him and he's in the best way possible.
He is exactly like when you see him.
He's just completely no bullshit and all that.
And he wants to learn how to fly a helicopter.
So we talked about that.
We just went on and on and on and fucking on it.
We just, it was just fucking awesome.
Great guy and definitely was beyond cool that I got to meet that guy.
So I'll definitely tweet that when that shit is coming out.
So anyways, let's get on with my, my sports weekend here.
I had a crazy weekend.
I, Saturday night, say, I went, I watched the UFC first of all.
And, you know, I'm not going to blame the UFC for that one.
You know, they kept hyping UFC 200 and that was supposed to be fucking unbelievable.
And all their greats are supposed to come back.
And then what happened?
You know, gone on, they had that big issue where he fucking loses.
And then he doesn't want to do some sort of promo.
I don't pay attention to the soap opera of the shit.
Right.
Rhonda Rouse, he's still not fighting.
And you know that they felt that those two were going to be on that card.
So they're both, both not on the card.
And then some guy named Joe, something or other tested positive for some shit.
So, you know, they were scrambling for bodies and fucking is, oh my God,
am I going to say his name?
Is it Anderson Silva?
Is that his name?
How can you fucking watch somebody so many fucking times?
And just, I just know, I never know the names.
I just fucking sit down.
And I'm like, oh, that's the guy who crawls in like a spider.
He's going to kick the fuck out of this guy.
Um, he, uh, you know, he was supposed to be sitting in the crowd.
And then in three days later, he's in the octagon.
It was like the whole Vinny Tester Verde shit.
We're back in the day, you know, Vinny Tester Verde.
He's like, he was sitting on his couch watching the game or he's like in the backyard,
you know, putting together a fucking horseshoe pit or some stuff.
And all of a sudden he's, he's under center playing for the Jets.
Yeah.
Anderson Silva, he had to come in and, um, fight Daniel Cormier, Cormier.
And I, you know, much as a fucking douchey UFC fans were booing him,
you know, cause they wanted to stand up against him.
Anderson Silva is like the greatest of all time and had nothing to fucking lose.
And this guy earned this title shot that got taken away from him or whatever the fuck.
There's big fucking payday.
And if he loses to this guy, then all of a sudden Anderson's coming back
and he's the next contender and this guy's asked the fuck out, right?
So he did what he had to do.
He just kept taking on the ground.
He stayed on top of him.
You could hear him in his after he won going, Hey, listen, I did what I had to do.
You know, you could tell he felt bad.
He wanted to put on a show, but the guy fucking prepared for months and months
for this other fucking guy.
So the fight of the night for me, obviously, I think in everybody else was the,
was the Mishna Tate Amanda Nunez.
I'm saying all these fucking names, right?
And Jesus Christ.
I mean, that, I mean, that's of course what everybody wants to see.
It's like when people watch racing, you know, as much as they want to see wheel to wheel,
they want to see somebody go careening into the fucking wall.
They want to see a car, you know, hit a wall at 200 miles an hour.
That's what the fuck they want to see.
And fight fans want to see somebody get knocked the fuck out, right?
I'll get the shit kicked out of him.
So I feel like the one thing that other than the first fight where there was that six foot,
seven guy, a lot of dad bods for UFC, you know, 200.
Did I say 50 earlier?
I don't fuck I'm talking about a lot of dad bods.
That was like the dad bod fight card.
Um, granted, all of them, I obviously could kick the fuck out of a hundred normal people
at a time.
But that first fight, there was like that six foot, six, six foot, seven dude, which
is hilarious to me.
You're six foot seven and you got to learn mixed martial arts.
It's like, it's not enough.
You can step on the average person like a fucking ant.
You're now going to add, add this whole other level of fucking craziness, you know, um,
that first guy, Jesus Christ, that first guy, whatever the fuck his name is.
That guy looked like he was in the born identity and he was like the head bad guy that you
had to beat.
He just came fucking walking in.
He gave that tall dude the old right there friend and he was fucking done.
Um, and the only two guys who were in shape with those, those, I don't fuck it.
I mean, I didn't know anybody's fucking name.
I have no fucking idea.
You know, this is my deal.
I ordered it.
I tech and it was anybody else to go to text order it and you accidentally ordered it in
Spanish, like the way the text thing came out.
It says order UFC and then it says, uh, sports event.
And then right after event was the number one.
And then after the next line, it said UFC 200 number two.
And then the next line said Espanol or something like that.
So you didn't read that.
You just saw events and then you immediately went to the second line and you're supposed
to press one for English.
Two was for UFC 200 and Espanol.
And I fucked the whole thing up.
So I had it, you know, I had to talk to the fucking lady to get it, you know, the whole
fucking thing taken off.
But a lot of dad bods, a lot of fucking dad bods until you got to the women, they came
in, they were like the other than that featherweight fight that I can't fucking remember.
Um, but I just hate when fucking when it goes to the ground, everybody fucking booze.
You know what I mean?
It's like this.
Can you have a little respect for the person who's on their back taking forearms to their
fucking head?
You're booing because they're not standing up.
I don't know.
People start chanting stand them up, stand them up, whatever the fuck they was saying.
Um, I don't know.
To me, it's a lot scarier to have somebody on top of you and you can't fucking move and
then just raining down on you and they're putting a glove over your fucking nose and
mouth and you can't breathe.
Like I'd be on the ground fucking getting all claustrophobic.
I would tap out so fucking fast.
Do you remember that?
Well, you remember that UFC fight where that guy just backed up the whole fucking time,
the whole fight.
He just fucking backed up.
That would be me.
And then you'd get me on the ground.
I'd be like, that would just tap out.
I would have to, I would say I have to leave the country after the fight, but UFC is worldwide.
I would have to like move to mainland China, you know, not Hong Kong to try to somehow
and even then somebody gets some sort of bootleg shit.
Whoever's the son of that dude who sat stood in front of the tank, you know, he'd have
the fucking balls to get the UFC feed.
And then he fights, you know, walking around with my fucking goddamn whitehead just walking
around fucking China.
I know they spot me in a second.
Hey, you're that fucking guy in that screaming bitch from UFC fucking whatever.
Right.
So I don't know.
I think those fucking people who go to the UFC, you got a lot of fucking balls booing
a professional fighter.
Every time I watch the UFC, I always, I always at some point probably about 15 times during
the night have to say these are like some of the toughest people on the fucking planet.
It's like them.
I can't imagine the mental place you have to go to when you're walking down there knowing
you're going to fight somebody, especially as the fucking underdog, right?
That has just been training for three months with like some of the best people in the world
and their skill is how to beat the fuck out of you.
Like they broke down your style and they're just going to figure out how to beat the fuck
out of you.
It's like nauseating.
How do you even get your raising brand down that that morning?
I mean, these people, they're on a whole other level.
So congratulations to Amanda Nunes, the first female Brazilian UFC champion.
And you know, I always loved me to take, you know, always class acts, fucking gorgeous.
You know, it was hard watching her get busted up like that, that fucking, that uppercut
that was perfectly timed.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
But anyway, so I did that and then a buddy of mine texts me and he said, why don't you
come down to the fucking troubadour?
There's some band playing down there.
And I hope I get the name of this band right because I went down and saw a band.
I think they were called Earthless.
Yeah, Earthless, okay.
And I'm still processing what the fuck I saw.
I went down there.
I watched like three seconds of a YouTube clip and I'm like, I got to get out of the
fucking house, right?
So I went down, met my buddy, started drinking waters.
It was really good that night, right?
And this band comes out, Power Trio, right?
It's a guy on a strat.
There's a fucking bass player and a drummer and that's it.
And the guitarist starts playing immediately, he like, wow, this guy can fucking play.
And then the drums start coming in and then the bass and then they just went into this
epic fucking like, just imagine if you were playing an arena show, right?
And you just, you're in, you're bringing home the greatest arena rock show ever.
And like where your energy would be in the final minute before you said, thank you, good
night.
Right?
Rock and roll.
Right?
They basically started there and stayed there for a half a fucking hour where as far as
I could tell once there was like four or five songs that were all one giant song, dude,
it was, it was fucking exhausting just watching it.
And I remember about 12 minutes in when they were ending one part of it, that, you know,
like the cliched endings to things, they would like add 15 minutes to each and see it was
fucking unreal.
I just looked at the guy I was with and we just started laughing.
Like this is fucking nuts, 20 minutes in, I got to go up to the bar and get a drink.
The fucking band is pouring sweat.
They look like they're in a fucking sauna and they're still going and the guy in the
guitar is fucking shredding and out of nowhere, you're like, what the fuck song is that?
What is that?
For like a couple of bars, they played that fucking part of Dazed and Confused.
And a fucking guitar player in the drama they're all doing and then you're like, hey, that's
Dazed and Confused goes right by it.
Then they're into something else.
And then finally after a fucking half hour, it ends, right?
Fucking ends.
People are exhausted from just watching it.
And I couldn't hear what he said because I had my earplugs in because I'm an old man.
Psychedelic something was the name of the song.
Psychedelic infinity, psychedelic fucking scrabble.
I have no fucking idea what he said.
And then they went into another song that was like five minutes long and then they closed
with communication breakdown.
I guess it was like three, four bands and they just played it like a quick like hour,
45 minutes set and it was over and it was, uh, I like, it took me to like halfway through
today to like process what the fuck I saw.
I don't know how you would ever put together something like that.
The complexity of the whole thing, but it was definitely worth it.
And I heard all of their shows are different every time, but I was completely blown away
by him.
The band is called Earthless.
If you get a chance to see him.
I guess here is Wikipedia.
They're out of San Diego, California.
Isaiah Mitchell is their, uh, is their guitarist.
I hope I say all the names correctly.
God knows I always fuck it up.
Mike Engington, E G I N T O N was the bass player and then Mari Mario.
I'm not even going to try with the last name.
Rubala Kava, who I guess is also some fucking psycho skateboarder, um, made up the band
and they were, they were absolutely fucking amazing.
Um, if you get a chance, yeah, definitely, uh, definitely check him out.
Formerly a professional skateboarder.
So you know what I instantly love about that guy?
He's never had a real job.
And I mean that with all respect.
When I first started doing comedy, I used to work with the guy who used to have his
first job was he was a professional roller skater.
He was about 10, 15 years older than me.
So like he was like 18 early seventies or some shit, right?
And that's when like, you know, the roller skating and that type of shit was at its
height and there was magazines about it.
And I didn't believe him till he told me how he fucked up his elbow, what the maneuver
and he knew the name and all of that shit.
And then he played drums in a band and then he became a standup comic.
And I was thinking like, dude, you, you, he's like, yeah, man, he goes, I never had a real
fucking job.
I, that stuck with me.
I think about that every once in a while, just like you won in life.
Like I don't care if, if you never made any fucking like real money doing that, as long
as you, you can pay your rent and you can eat, you know, you're not fucking homeless.
If those were the three jobs you had in life, I swear to God, if there's an afterlife and
God's looking at your resume, he's like, all right, professional roller skater, professional
drummer, professional comedian, nothing else.
Yeah, you're this fucking guy.
All right.
What's going on, buddy?
I'm looking forward to popping in this VHS tape of your life.
See what's going on here.
Right.
Um, anyways, let's do a little bit of advertising here for the week.
Um, all right.
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You want me to talk about that?
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All right.
You know what I missed today?
I thought I fucking taped it.
I missed the fucking British Grand Prix, but I ended up watching most of it on YouTube.
Some French dude put it up.
Or lady, and I watched most of it, and congratulations to Louis Hamilton and fucking what's his face?
The Tom Cruise of Formula One.
Nico Rosberg got penalized again.
Fucking penalized him again.
They don't like the guy.
Evidently, he got too much information from his pit crew.
Something was going on with his fucking gearbox.
He couldn't go from six to seven.
He had to go to six to eight.
He was saying that it caused a danger or some shit.
Yeah, he's got every fucking race.
Every race.
There's some sort of fucking deal, and he's getting penalized.
He came in second, but they bumped him down to fucking third, which is huge because now
he only leads Louis Hamilton by fucking three points.
I'm actually taping it tomorrow.
I'm going to watch the whole race, but it was kind of fun to watch it in French.
Picking out words.
I don't know.
I got to get like a tutor or some shit.
Maybe then I'll actually start to get a little better with that shit.
But so now, I think I got the standings here somewhere.
What the fuck is it?
I got lyrics to Mac Davis, Baby, Baby, Don't Get Hooked on Me.
I started this podcast a couple of times.
I can't remember if I sang that yet.
Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me.
Because I'll just use you and sit you free.
All right.
Nico Rosberg has 168 points.
Louis Hamilton has 167.
They fucked him out of three points today.
You know, he would have been up to 171.
The guys, I don't know.
He's just constantly getting in there.
He's just constantly putting himself in a situation.
I don't know how many fucking times.
Can one man have problems?
This is the third race of this year, right?
Slammed into fucking his teammate at the Spanish.
He slammed into his teammate at the fucking Austrian one, right?
I think this is then he got penalized.
Two different fuckers.
Can't have it a hell of a fucking year.
I didn't see the press conference, but he had the fucking tears in his eyes.
He was looking like the Cleveland Cavaliers fucking coach there.
Um, anyway, so I've been getting my back taken care of.
And, uh, the fucking gym out in the garage has been a goddamn game changer.
We finally got an elliptical out there.
So that's it.
If I can just stop eating like a lunatic, I think I can be under 180 by the end
of this writing season, speaking of which we're recording.
We're doing the table read for episode nine tomorrow, the record on Wednesday.
It's fucking great.
And then we're on 10 and then the writers room as far as going there
every single day is done, but, uh, we're now looking at the animatics.
And I got to tell you guys, episode one, episode one, there's a scene in there
that we have been trying to get right for like weeks.
So we've all seen it like fucking 20 times each.
And they finally animated it the way we wanted to.
We finally were able to basically, it's all about conveying your idea to them,
you know, and they finally understood what we were trying to say.
And we watched it and we fucking died.
I cannot wait for you guys to see this shit.
And, uh, oh man, if we get a laugh like that, each fucking show,
that's what we got to go for.
We can fucking make you laugh the way it made us laugh.
We're a bunch of jaded assholes and we can get you laughing like that.
I think we can, uh, I don't know.
I think we can keep making some more of these.
I'm very excited about it.
And, uh, I'm very excited to get out of the fucking writers room, though.
My back's feeling great.
And, uh, I've been hitting the fucking gym had, um, I told you guys,
when I bought all that fucking weight, you know, I put up 225 once in my life.
I weighed about 165 pounds when I did it.
I put it up one time.
I always wanted to do it.
I was always just too fucking little to do it.
Um, just my frame, I was never like a stocky fucking guy, like naturally.
I mean, anybody eats fucking pizza and drinks beer.
You're going to look for a little husky, but I'm just saying like naturally.
Um, I was just more of a middleweight and I did it one time.
And for you fucking gym rats, you know, if you put up 225, you got, you got
the 245 plates on both sides.
So that was like a big fucking deal, right?
So, uh, today I'm inching my way back, right?
I put up 175 twice.
I could have done it three times.
If I had somebody there spot me, they could have helped me on the fourth one,
which would have been huge because that's how you build up.
But I've been going really safe slowly up from, you know, 135, just going
like 10 pounds at a time rather than back in the day, I'd go up 20.
It's just been too much.
And what I do is I wait, you know, like going from 135 to 145 and then up to
155 and I just make sure I can do, before I tried 175, I make sure 20
pounds below it.
I can, I can do it like seven, eight times.
And I did 165 four times and 175 two times.
So I felt pretty good about that, which means I could, I could probably
bench my way at this point.
I could, I could put up 185, which makes me feel good.
But, uh, and I got the atomic holds.
I can now fucking do a little ninja warrior shit.
I can go from one side of my garage to the other.
It's a bad deal for 48 fucking years old peg boards coming along.
I can do like two things, two, uh, take it out like twice on both sides before
I then fall down to the fucking ground.
But, um, I'm telling you, if I wasn't so busy doing this fucking show, I
could actually get in great shape.
I cannot recommend those atomic holds enough.
They are fucking incredible and they have all these different kinds.
And just the grip strength that you get, the core strength that you get, it's
fucking amazing.
It's, this is the free advertising atomic holds AT, uh, O M I K.
Um, and they have a website and they got all these different things.
If you watch that ninja warrior shit, American Ninja Warrior, which is on,
um, it's on Mondays and Nia's always going, you, they, they should do a
celebrity, one of those fucking things.
You should go try to go on and do one of those.
And it's just like, you know, there's no fucking way I could, I would fuck
up that first jump a thing, but you know, something to matter how great, let's
say I was fucking 30 years younger, right?
The prime of my life, 18.
If I fucking trained, no matter how much I trained, okay, which I don't think I
ever had enough, I just don't have the gift to, to get into that kind of shape.
But let's just say I could at 18, there's no fucking way ever I could ever
make it up that last wall.
To me, that's the most, you know, out of all the crazy shit that they come up
with, you know, as hard as it is, most of it is just being able to fucking hang
on that shit there.
Forget about it.
I would fuck it.
I would do about three steps up and would do the most embarrassing face
plant, like I would do a face plant, but like, it would be like I was running
into a wall, I do like one, two, three steps and I would slip and I would
slam my fucking button nose right into the fucking wall.
And then that would be the end of me and it would become a meme.
It would become all of this shit.
I would never fucking live it down, but, but I, the inspiration for my gym was
all the shit that I did in the 80s, you know, when it was all about just doing
your upper body and fuck your legs, you know, walking around your chicken legs.
It was that shit, a little bit of yoga and then American Ninja Warrior just
looking at all that shit and just going on YouTube and watching people who are
training for it and these crazy fucking things that they build in their
backyards, you know, just the strength that they have.
I mean, I'll never have to be actually do be, if I ever do a muscle up,
first of all, my head's going to go through the fucking ceiling.
But I just, I just don't have, at my age, I just, you just, this is, you get
to a certain point, you know, nature's just like, yeah, we're beginning the
dying process.
Okay.
At this point, you should have had a couple of kids and they should be
handling the hunting for the tribe and you need to just sit around the fire
telling stories about what you used to do.
So I am excited though, that I am, I'm able to do 175.
Dude, this is like such 80 shit.
Only old people get this stuff because I'm basically 10 pounds away from being
able to have the 45s and then the 25s.
That was all like a big deal.
Like, you know, when people would be doing pyramids, 10, 8, 6, 4, 2, right?
It was always like the fucking guys will come in, they put the 45 plate on for
10, then they put the 25 at that, right?
185, they do eight reps of that, then the 35, 205, and then the 25s for 225.
And then they do, and then everybody would fucking pretend they weren't
looking when anybody went above 225, they threw on like 25 pound plates again.
10 or five pound plates, nobody gave a fuck.
But if you threw the 25s on, now you're up 275, right?
If anybody put the three plates on, that's right when the bar starts to bend.
Right?
I remember I was at the gym one time and I saw this guy curl 225.
It was fucking unbelievable.
This guy was the most dense human being I ever saw and he would like bring it up
and just go, huh, huh, huh.
Like, it's just like, what the fuck?
And I wanted to laugh.
I know I've told you guys all those stories.
I would tell that guy when I used to go to New York Sports Club.
And when I was living on the Upper East Side, New York, the Spanish Harlem,
I used to take the fucking train down.
There was one in the 70s.
I used to work out there and this guy came in one day and he had
speaking a fucking baby, baby, don't get hooked on me.
He had the fucking Mac Davis haircut.
He had a fucking bandana on, not doing some fucking
I heart, I heart, Huckabee's that Royal Ten of Bonds hipster horse shit.
He wasn't doing that.
He was like, he was one of these guys that just dressed like how you dressed.
Like he stopped looking at fashion at like fucking 18.
He came in, he had fucking like the glasses slash shades all in one
with a headband, the curly fucking hair, like a tank top.
He had Larry Bird shorts on his socks pulled up.
He looked like Ken Paterra.
That's what he looked like.
And he would fucking work out, dude.
And he would when he would do a rep, he'd go.
So you'd be in the gym and you just hear this guy over in the corner
and he was a fucking monster.
He didn't want to laugh.
He'd just hear this guy in the corner going, yeah, yeah.
He would bring it down, go.
And then when he would push it up with, yeah.
And then when he'd get to the last set, when he was pushing himself, he'd go.
Right.
I mean, one time he was in there, it was me and some other dude.
And all I'm trying, I don't even know the other guy, but I can feel him
laughing and all I'm trying to do is not look at him.
And finally, when he did that, yeah.
I fucking looked over at the other guy and he was curling and he had, you know,
he had brought the curling bar down.
He was just holding it and he had his eyes closed with his back
to the Ken Paterra guy so he couldn't see him.
And he was just silently like crying, laughing.
And I'm telling you, I don't, I think I was doing cardio or some shit.
I almost fell off the fucking treadmill, lunatic, right out of boogie nights.
So anyways, you know, at some point I'm going to post a picture
of the gym.
I don't like giving out pictures of my house, but it is just a fucking garage.
So anyways, I'm totally off the fucking rails here.
Where, what else did I want to talk about?
We talked about the Grand Prix.
We talked Stephen Adler.
We talked Amanda Nunez, Stone Cold.
It do early a month away from preseason football.
Always another thing I saw this weekend.
Do you guys ever watch that live at Darrell's house?
Darrell Hall of Darrell Hall of notes.
He had Joe Walsh on.
What a fucking, every time I see that guy play, it's like, why do I always forget
what an unbelievable fucking guitarist and singer that guy is.
He came in and absolutely just fucking ripped.
You get a chance to watch that one.
I think they're up online.
It's on like VH1 and then like this headbangers ball thing came on.
And Nia somehow got into it.
She has promised me at some point she's going to sing
Oh, what the fuck is that song?
That Queens right song.
I don't believe in love.
She's been singing that, that in teenage Frankenstein.
She just got into it.
She, she loved it and thought it was silly all at the same fucking time.
So maybe on Thursday, she's a little tired today.
So I'll have her come on and sing some of that shit for you.
But at this point, let's get to some of the questions here.
I guess, well, maybe before I do that, just I have to say,
I do have to say something with all the, just the shit that went on over the past fucking week,
you know, with those two guys getting killed and then the five cops getting murdered.
It just, I actually believe it or not, I think something positive is going to come out of this.
I'm really hoping.
I just feel like for, I think everybody at this point,
no matter what side you're on, there's one, two, one side, two sides of it,
whatever the fuck, three sides, whatever the fuck it is at this point,
I think everybody can kind of agree that whatever the fuck it is we're doing isn't working.
And I'm real, I don't know.
I don't know what it is.
It's horrific is all of that stuff was to watch.
I feel like at this point that, you know,
everything on both sides was undeniable that it was wrong and it shouldn't have happened.
And I think, I just, I don't know, I was fucking devastating as it was.
I just feel like, I just feel like, like that was a bottoming out.
I'm really hoping anyways, and that it's going to turn around.
I'm hoping because I don't know, man, that's just,
that's just one of the fucking worst, all of that shit was the worst
shit I've ever seen in my life.
Somebody just going for their license.
He just, I just kept replaying that, just wishing the guy said, listen,
my license, can you want to reach for it?
Can I get out of the car with my hands up and you just reach in and get it?
Just sold that doesn't have to have as a fucking kid in the car.
It's just the whole thing was brutal.
You know, and then the cops and Dallas is just down there.
They're just trying to handle the crowd, make sure nobody gets hurt.
And then just, you know, all of them, you know, I didn't, it was so fucking brutal.
I didn't even look into the backgrounds of them, but you know,
you know, people were married, had kids and that their dad isn't coming home.
It's just the whole fucking thing is horrible.
And because it is so horrible, I'm really holding out that something positive
is going to come out of that.
Cause I don't know, cause what else can you think if you can't think
it's something positive out of that.
That's just too fucking devastating to even think about.
All right, so let's get to the, the questions here for this week.
All right, Sweden.
Hi, Mr. Burr.
I don't know if it's the correct way to address someone you don't know in the U.S.
No, it's fine.
It's fine.
I like you call me Mr. Burr.
I'm old enough to be a Mr here in Sweden.
I would just call you Bill, by the way, I don't want to piss you off.
Anyway, I was, I was wondering if you're coming to Sweden again.
I quote, discovered you on YouTube a year ago and I watch you every night
while I put my son to sleep.
Oh, that's great.
He said, and I, um, laying in bed holding my mouth so I won't wake my son up.
I would love to see you live.
Greetings from Sweden.
PS, sorry if my spelling mistakes, uh, spelling sucks.
Sorry, dude, you're fucking, your English is great compared to my shit,
unless you just looked it all up and typed it.
I'm definitely coming back.
I just got to figure out when my life has changed a little bit now that I'm doing this show.
But, uh, I think what I'm going to do, I have this European run that I'm going to do,
and then I think I'm going to do another one possibly March, April of next year.
Uh, but I'm also taping a special.
I got to make sure when I go over there though, I'm, I'm bringing the fucking,
you know, I don't want to come over there with some half ass act.
I'm not flying over the other side of the world to give you guys an okay show,
but I'm definitely going to come back.
I'd like to go back there and, um,
well, ideally I could go over there right before my special comes out
and knock that out.
That, that is ideally that's what I could do,
but I'm definitely going to come back and maybe do a little bit of Eastern Europe,
some other countries that I haven't been to.
Um, we shall see, but I'm definitely going to come back.
Like I've done the Sweden, Norway, Finland run two times already.
And, uh, I think I've been to Sweden three times though,
because one time that I think I just did Sweden,
then the next time was Sweden, uh,
Norway and Finland, but I'll definitely going to get back.
But thank you so much.
That's a really fucking, that's a thrill that someone that far away is watching that stuff,
laughing at my stuff.
Thank you very much.
Okay.
Here we go.
Uh, Bill, I fucked up and could use a hand.
All right.
Let's see.
Why did you fuck up?
Hey, you old biscuit bacon bitch.
Uh, I fucked this one up and could use some of your broadcasted advice.
I'm 26 year old guy living and working in the great white North Toronto to be exact.
And I love your podcast and all that shit.
Thank you.
Anyways, a few months ago, I started seeing this really sweet girl.
She's pretty.
She's thoughtful and she's as low maintenance as a 1991 Honda Civic.
Okay.
It sounds like the beginning of a horror movie.
Everything's like fucking perfect.
All right.
And he literally says, perfect exclamation point.
She deserves to be treated right.
About a month ago, I was eating in a restaurant with a buddy
when this smoking hot redhead comes up to me out of the blue and says,
Hey, you're cute.
Take my number.
Let's go out sometime.
I should have said no.
I have a girlfriend right then and there,
but the excitement of having a babe throw herself at me
was too much for me to pass up.
Apps of fucking Lulia was, that's like a fucking movie.
We're not wired to pass that moment up.
I'm not saying you go and do it, but Jesus.
He said, I didn't have the damn strength to keep it in my pants later that night
after a few wobbly pops, I texted her looking to meet up.
We did and we did the deed.
I felt like a piece of shit.
Ah, yes.
We've all been there as men.
We've all been there and a lot of ladies too,
which never gets any press because it's considered sexist to suggest that.
Here's where it's getting interesting and slightly complicated.
Not even 48 hours later, I'm hanging out with my girlfriend
when she gets a call from one of her friends saying,
I have some bad news to tell you.
Oh boy.
I overheard the conversation coming from my girlfriend's phone
and knowing exactly what the bad news was.
I snatched the phone from her and proceeded to spill my guts
and told her the whole story.
Well, there you go.
At least you manned it up.
Evidently, the friend that called was roommates with the redhead
and the redhead through social media had hunted me down
and shown my picture to her roommates.
Dude, you can't get away with anything anymore.
Look at this.
The friend goes on to tell the redhead that I have a girlfriend.
Oh, dude, this is what this is like.
You're going to end up with nothing here.
My girlfriend obviously was super upset,
but being the sweetheart she is.
And after many, many, I'm so sorry for me.
She agreed to let me try to make it up to her.
How did cheaters do this shit?
I didn't even last 48 hours.
Cut to two weeks later, myself and three of my buddies
since kindergarten are on a mountaineering expedition in Peru.
Dude, what are you fucking Jason Bourne?
What's going on here?
Hot chicks throwing themselves at you?
Now you're in fucking Peru.
A trip we planned since February.
And I get this panic-stricken email from my girlfriend saying she,
parentheses, the redhead, had broken into my apartment
and trashed the place.
See attached photos.
Dude, what the fuck?
Women are fucking crazy.
Let's just say, let's just say this, okay?
Like, how is she hurt?
She came walking up to you, threw her fucking clam at you.
You fucking took it.
You're not in a relationship with her.
My voice is slowly cracking.
Yeah, in a relationship.
You're not in a fucking relationship with her.
Dude, you just need to prosecute this fucking woman.
This has to stop.
This whole fucking thing that when women get upset,
they can destroy property.
Let a guy go out and fucking trash some woman's car
after she fucks around on him.
He'll end up in jail and have to pay for the fucking car.
Everything was smashed, my TV, one of my guitars.
She cut up my bed sheets and the duvet.
She even went so far as to throw all my towels in the bathtub
and ran the water.
How do I know it was the redhead,
the dumb bitch left a note next to the TV saying,
cheaters never win or some bullshit like that.
Give me a fucking break.
She even bragged about the whole ordeal
to her affirmation roommate, classic guy.
He just writes, sheesh, my girlfriend called the cops
and upon my return from Peru,
I set up a restraining order against the redhead.
You should fucking charge, you should, you should sue her.
Here's the problem.
All this drama has led to my girlfriend
reconsidering her willingness to give me a second chance.
Dude, here's the real thing.
Anytime some fucking smoking hot girl just comes up to you
and throws it at you, you know it's a head case.
Go with a fake name.
I feel real bad about the whole situation
and want to make it work between us.
But there's this little voice in my head
says, let her break up with you and start fresh.
I'm pretty confused.
I was going to say that, just start over again, dude.
You're 26.
What are you going to, you know,
you got a dick.
This is going to happen.
All right.
So he goes, I fucked up initially,
but forgiveness then got fucked with
and the forgiveness was retracted.
Anyways, I hope your sage advice is half as good
as those fucking pies you make.
Thanks a lot and go fuck yourself.
Yeah, dude, you know what you got to do?
You got to walk and you got to have this crazy redheaded bitch
pay for your shit.
All right.
Jesus Christ.
She takes no responsibility in that.
Just walking around, throwing a fucking pussy at everybody.
I mean, what the fucking thing's going to happen?
It's, you know, is a guy you could walk around
throwing your dick at fucking people for years
and not get anything.
This is why there's the double standard.
You know, if a guy does it, he's a stud
because he has to convince people.
Just the way we're set it.
Let's just, it's the way we're set up.
Okay.
Women are no better than guys.
It's what it is, is the way they're set up anatomically
is they're letting someone enter their body.
That is a major decision.
Sticking your dick in something.
It's, you know, it's fine.
It's like, you know, it's like putting cereal back in the cabinet.
I mean, you don't even fucking think about it.
I probably, you know, it's probably ignorance in there.
I would just say like, you know what?
You're right.
I fucked up.
That's a really big pet peeve of mine
that fucking women get to do shit like that.
They just get to walk around, destroy your shit.
Just fucked up your TV and all that dude.
And you just, and your whole thing is just like, sheesh.
Like we're like, we like,
we're just conditioned to be like, all right, that's what they do.
They ruin your stuff.
Dude, you were a hundred percent the wrong.
You shouldn't have done it.
You definitely did a piece of shit thing.
You know, but that doesn't give somebody the right to go,
to break into your fucking apartment.
That's breaking and entering and destroying property.
She should be in jail.
This is what you do.
I would break up with her and I would, I would, yeah,
I would try to take legal action against the redhead.
And at some point I'd, you know, you want to send her a note,
but don't do it.
Just say, yeah, breaking and entering, you know,
fucking felons never win either.
Whatever the fuck that is.
Yeah, dude, whatever, you know, it happened.
And, yeah, you know what I would do with you?
26, stay single for a while.
Stay single for a while, go to the gym, get back in shape,
figure out what the fuck you want to do.
Do you want to fuck a bunch of women?
Or do you want to meet the one, you know?
But I think at this point, dude, you got enough fucking drama.
I can't believe she gets to do that.
Like, first of all, she got laid, the redhead.
She got fucking laid, you know?
She had a great fucking time and she gets to bust up
somebody's place like a fucking rock star
and then walk out of there and feel like
she's a fucking hero.
This is why I don't give a shit
that they make less an hour than I do.
Because when you add up all the fucking perks,
I mean, it's a pretty good goddamn deal being a woman.
You know, you get all your emotions out all the fucking time.
You get to break up people's shit.
And you get to live longer than men.
I don't know what the fucking problem is.
You're going to complain about an ex to 79 cents?
All right, ex-wife wants me to adopt ex's son.
Hey there, Bill Burlington, Cunt Factory.
I usually laugh at some of the poor schmucks
who write into you asking the advice.
Today, I'm that schmuck.
I won't go into every little detail about this
and hope you can give me some advice.
A few years ago, I married my soon-to-be ex-wife.
Dude, I was so fucking thinking about
that woman ruining your apartment
and how they can just get away with that.
I wasn't even paying attention.
Read this again.
Today, I'm the schmuck.
Okay, I won't go into every detail.
All right, a few years ago, I married my soon-to-be ex-wife.
Along with the marriage came her two-year-old son.
His biological father is a deadbeat
who didn't hold down a job and avoids child support.
He has never had any contact with the son.
Wow, all right.
So I did the most manly thing that one can do
besides going to community college.
I put on my big boy pants and I took her son in as my own.
He calls me dad and whatnot.
We bonded.
I really care for the kid.
The first few years of marriage of my wife were great,
which ended up leading us to having our very own daughter.
And then my wife turned into a whore.
Oh, God, what happened?
Oh, so we're going through the divorce
and I still pick both kids up
even though I'm legally responsible for one.
I carry her and her son on my insurance to this day,
maybe against my better judgment.
But I'd like to give her some time
to get her shit together until I drop her off,
drop her off of it, complete, drop her out of it,
I think I'm going to say completely.
Well, the finalization of the divorce papers is in August.
The soon-to-be ex-mother-in-law
keeps insisting that I legally adopt her grandson.
No, don't do that.
Now, here's the thing.
I send a very gracious amount in support payments biweekly.
Um, we choose to not go through the court system
because my ex sees that I'm a good father
and still take responsibility of her son.
Keep it like that.
I flat out said, no, I'm not legally adopting him.
Yet your fucking mother-in-law
does not want you to legally adopt him
because she thinks you're a good father.
Okay, she's looking at you like an ATM machine,
like a lot of women do with men,
which once again, you can't fucking say that,
despite the 10 million fucking examples of it,
it's considered sexist.
All right, one wrong move,
and now the court system has me buy the balls
for support for two legal, uh, children.
What? What happened?
Yeah, yes, it flat out.
Yeah, he said in flat out, no,
because one wrong move and now the court system
has me legally buy the balls for the support of two children.
Yeah, there's no fucking reason for you to do that.
They don't hold anything over you.
They have no negotiating, nothing.
The mother-in-law is insisting
unless they try to keep your daughter from you.
The mother-in-law is insisting
that if I don't legally adopt him,
I'm a scumbag who doesn't deserve to see him,
and he was gone so far in so many words to say,
I won't be seeing him.
She's even getting my ex on board with this.
Like I said, I really care for the kid.
He's a good kid who never had a father figure
until I came into his life six years ago.
What's my play here?
Thanks and go fuck yourself.
What you're seeing with these two fucking lunatics,
some generation fucking psychos here
is the tip of the fucking iceberg with these people, okay?
They don't give a shit about you.
They're looking at you like an ATM machine,
and they're already fucking with you.
They don't have that kid's best interest in mind.
They think they do, they don't.
They're using him as a fucking negotiating tool, all right?
I'm surprised they haven't said,
well, we'll fucking go for full custody with your daughter
and try to fuck with that.
That'll probably be their next fucking move,
and it is the thing with them, okay?
With them, the more you're in their lives,
the worse it's gonna get.
Do not legally bind yourself to them whatsoever,
and this is what I would do.
Do not get emotional at all.
Do not get into a fuck you, fuck you fight with the mother-in-law.
Do not get into a fuck you, fuck you fight with,
you're soon to be ex-wife.
You have leverage in that your ex-wife,
as much as she's gonna divorce you here,
still cares about you.
You guys still had a child together,
and you just have to just talk to her logically
and just say, I'm not comfortable doing that,
but I'm going to continue to make payments and support
and all that and help you out with your son,
and obviously our daughter, all right?
And this pressure that your mother-in-law is putting on this
is only gonna make both of our lives miserable.
So what you do is you divide and conquer there.
Just say, I have no problem with you,
and the way that we get along,
I don't think your mother-in-law understands,
and that's why she's applying this pressure,
but that pressure, it's gonna be bad for us,
and it's gonna be bad for our kids.
Let's just continue going on like this.
I love your son,
and I'm gonna continue to support him.
That's as far as it goes, all right?
And I'm totally comfortable with supporting him.
I'm giving you my word,
but I'm not doing the legal thing.
I'm not doing it, and you just, that's it.
That's it, and if they wanna keep coming at you,
I'm telling you right now,
if you think that when you legally adopt that kid,
do you honestly fucking think
that that's gonna be the end of the demands?
What the fuck is the mother-in-law
involved in this shit for anyways?
Right there, that's a nightmare.
That's a fucking nightmare situation,
and so many married women have that fucking,
that ridiculously close relationship with their mom.
You know what I mean?
And to the point that it hurts the fucking relationship,
and God forbid, as a guy,
you keep bringing your mom into the fucking relationship
with your wife, that's a fucking wrap.
It's a fucking wrap,
but once again, guys put up with that shit.
We put up with that shit,
we put up with them coming in, busting up our shit.
Dude, you hold all of the fucking cards here.
That's it.
They don't have a dime, they're not even in the fucking game.
You hold all the fucking cards, do not do this.
You don't have to do this.
Just stay calm, and keep reassuring your soon-to-be ex-wife.
That you're doing what's best for the kids,
and what's best for you,
and what's best for both of you guys.
And just keep saying this pressure
that your mother-in-law is putting on us is unnecessarily,
unnecessary, it's just, we're good, okay?
If I was gonna be vindictive, it would've happened by now.
I'm still picking both of them up, all right?
There's no way I'm gonna let anything happen to your son,
and there's no way I'm letting anything happen to our daughter.
That's it, that's it.
So, tell your fucking mother to shut the fuck up.
I can't do that part, don't do that part.
All right, hairy girlfriend, oh, Jesus, here we go.
Hairy girlfriend, dear red herring.
I'm a 25-year-old guy of moderately good looks
and mid-level intelligence.
This is both, that means you're actually a smart guy.
People who walk around thinking they're smart
are fucking dopes.
This has both helped and hurt my game.
I've had girlfriend, nobody who's like mildly intelligent
like thinks that.
That takes like a level of intelligence
to understand that there's a lot of people
way smarter than you, you know?
People who just get like that fucking medium brain,
like they walk around, they think they're the shit.
You know what I mean?
They walk around, they make bold fucking statements
and people list to, right?
Like Donald Trump, that guy's, he's got a mid-level brain.
He's too stupid to realize what a fucking dope he is
and then people just listen to him.
He's like, you become the Pied Piper of fucking morons.
The next thing you know, you're there.
Oh God, what a fucking decision.
That fucking idiot or that goddamn lunatic.
Anyways, here we go.
This has helped mid-level intelligence.
I've had girlfriends in the past,
but most were just objects of lust
instead of true connections.
I met a new girl through a dating app.
Not proud of that.
Why?
I wish that thing existed back in the day.
It's like the fucking draft.
All of a sudden, you're fucking Bill Belichicka,
you dick there.
And things are great.
She's beautiful, smart and actually gets my sense of humor.
That's why dating apps are great.
You can cut through a lot of bullshit
as far as I've heard or meet a serial killer.
After a while of casual dating,
we started to become more serious.
She is a Brazilian descent and has some body hair.
Nothing crazy, just arms and lower back type shit.
Here's my question.
Is there a subtle way I can tell her to lose the fur
or should I just stop being a cunt and be happy?
Thanks and go fuck yourself.
All right, how do you do this?
Best case scenario is you're a little furry too.
And then what you do is say,
hey, I'm gonna go fucking get some of the fucking,
I don't know, hair taken off my back.
You wanna do a two for one?
That's not gonna work, don't say that.
Ah, Jesus Christ.
She has some on her lower back and where else?
Oh, on her arms.
So she just her arms.
You know what, I'm gonna fucking,
I'm gonna act like on who wants to be a millionaire.
I'm gonna fucking phone, not even phone a friend.
I'm gonna fucking Google this.
How to tell your girlfriend she is too hairy.
How to get out of a hairy situation.
Five ways to get a girl to shave downtown.
Oh, God, the guys are the worst.
I actually, you know what, that was on thebrobible.com.
Hey, bro, how do you tell a girl
she has a bit of facial hair?
My girlfriend has a lot of hair on her ass.
How do I approach this?
Okay, here we go, this is on Reddit.
You know what, Reddit's not gonna have the fucking answer.
I'm gonna go with this one, the student room.
How do I tell my girlfriend she's too hairy?
Oh, this is another fucking chat room.
I'm dating a girl.
Okay, we know what the deal is.
How dare you dislike something that comes naturally.
Oh, God, these fucking brats.
I swear to God, hashtag yes all women.
Stop imposing your fucking patriarchal standards
on this poor girl.
If you have nothing good to say,
don't say anything at all, it's her body.
Give me a fucking, what women do?
The second you get in a fucking relationship with them.
They're constantly trying to change you.
If you don't like it, don't be with her.
Don't make her feel insecure.
Jesus, all the hairy chicks are chiming in.
How would you like if she told you
to shave your sweaty, hairy balls?
I would say absolutely, sweetheart.
Why would I want to have hairy, sweaty balls in your face
if it's turning you off?
The game plan here is to get you in the mood.
By all means, what do you want me to do?
You could maybe remove your own man, lady, garden
that would create natural opportunity
to discuss your lady friends' legurian growth.
That was kind of my suggestion.
Just tell her, seriously,
why do you let people create stupid threats?
Jesus.
Yeah, this is a hard one.
Yeah, it's a really fucking difficult one
because you're talking about something.
It's this weird thing that they can't help
but they can also fix very easily.
Although, yeah, it kind of hurts too, right?
According to the 40-year-old virgin.
Why don't you learn how to do it?
Does she sleep on her stomach, right?
And then just when she's asleep,
you just put it on her and then you just go.
And then as she sits up to scream,
you just fake a sleep.
And she goes, what the fuck was that?
I don't know, I think you had a bad dream.
And she's like, my back's killing me.
Oh, well, you were sleeping on your front.
Maybe you were putting pressure on your spine.
And I don't know.
And then when she wakes up the next fucking morning,
she goes back to sleep, she wakes up the next morning.
Maybe she doesn't notice, but then you gotta do it every time.
Yeah, I guess you just gotta tell her.
Like, come on, ladies, it's gotta be.
It's gotta be something that we do, right?
You know what it is about women, they can sit down.
They can sit down and just tell you.
And as a guy, you just have to take it.
You just have to fucking take it.
It's just consciously, I think that,
is that why we died before them?
It's just a one-way fucking street.
Ah, dude, I don't know how to tell you, man.
That's a tough one.
Listen, I love you.
I'm crazy about you.
I think you're really attractive.
I was just, there's one thing.
You don't have bad breath, you're gorgeous and all that.
It's just, there's any way you could just take down
a little bit of the lower back for her.
I mean, you know what's funny?
She's Brazilian, you know?
They came up with the Brazilian wax.
It's like, can you do the Brazilian wax
till you're fucking back?
Why don't you get her a tramp stamp, right?
She'll have to shave it anyways.
And then you'll be like, you know,
you gotta keep it shaved there
so people can always see a tattoo.
Get her an anchor tattoo on both her forearms,
like a couple of dragons like Bond Scott.
I don't know what to tell you to do that.
I don't know what to tell you.
That's a rough one, you know?
I'll try to remember that one for Thursday when Nia's on.
All right, hey Bill, is there any type of gig
you wouldn't do?
Yeah, of course there is.
Would you perform for the Queen of England
in all her stiff cohorts?
No.
How about a room full of priests at the Vatican?
Absolutely not.
Not all the shit I've said about them.
And then I'm in their country.
That's a sovereign state, Vatican City.
Bonus question, what is the exact dollar amount
it would take you to do a cruise ship?
Well, I already, I did one a long time ago.
Now, there's no dollar amount.
I don't have a lot of,
I'm not really into stuff.
I'm into no debt.
So I've kept my, I've lived within my means
and I have enough t-shirts and shit and I can eat and,
you know?
So no, I can make enough money on land.
I don't need to do that.
There is no amount.
There really isn't.
As of today, July 11th, 2016,
what the 10th when I'm doing it?
Who knows in the future?
I don't know, when I'm like 60,
I imagine then you could talk me on a boat.
If you gave me like Bill,
we're gonna, you can do one more fucking gig.
We're gonna give you a fucking, you know,
something zillion dollars to do this gig.
And then you gotta walk away from standup.
I might be so fucking tired at that point that I'd do it.
But as of right now, 48 years old,
there's no dollar amount that can get me
on a fucking cruise ship.
You know what could a benefit
if there was some sort of benefit or some shit
and it actually seemed legit.
I'm a sucker for a fucking benefit, but like, you know,
yeah, I don't get this.
I don't need to go on a fucking boat.
I don't wanna go on a boat
and just be on this fucking thing with the crowd
the entire time.
And, you know, if you're happy and you know it,
clap your hands.
I've been on it.
They're fucking brutal.
I worked with Guy doing that and there was a juggler
and you couldn't fucking say anything.
You just had to sit there and act like the cruise
was the greatest fucking thing you ever had been a part of.
It just went against everything about being a comedian.
You know, we're contrarians.
All right, so that's the podcast.
People, if you wanna write in,
and anybody have a hairy girlfriend out there
and you had to say something or even better, women,
have you, there had to be something.
Yeah, Guy maybe had a giant fucking something
on the side of his fucking, I don't know what,
his head or some shit, you know.
He was warty, molly or some shit.
You had to say something.
Had halitosis.
I don't know.
I think if a woman had a smelly vagina,
I think it'd be easier to tell her that
than that she had a hairy back.
How do you do it?
How do you just listen?
You know, I think you're beautiful.
You know, I think you're gorgeous.
You know, you turn me on and everything.
But I just, you know what's so funny?
It's just how guys, you know,
just our shit is not validated.
You know, like if a woman didn't, you know,
was turned off by something, god for fucking bit.
I mean, if you still climbed on top of her
with your hairy back, I mean, I think you'd be charged
with some sort of like, you know, I don't know,
pubic rape or backpube rape or some shit.
Cops would show up and put you in some sort of chokehold
and drag you out of the fucking house.
And God knows if you haven't seen, you see anybody again.
Yeah, you know what, you stump me.
I gotta think about that one.
All right, well, that's the podcast,
the Monday morning podcast.
Go fuck yourselves, enjoy your next couple of days.
I'll check it on you on Thursday
and maybe I'll have Nia help me answer that question.
All right, that's it, go fuck yourselves.
Download the My Delets app and cook me.
Yeah, top.
Delets, meet me at the Gleven.