Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-11-22

Episode Date: July 11, 2022

Bill rambles about soothsaying, wet vacs, and baseball.

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It's fucking 6.13am. Bill, what are you doing up so fucking early? It's actually Sunday. Why am I up? Because for whatever reason, I was laying in bed at, I don't know what time, 5-ish. And one of my smoke alarms, I don't know, it just went... My wife wakes up, she's like, Oh my God, I think the battery's low in one of the smoke alarms.

And I'm thinking like, was that the smoke alarm or the house alarm? You know, and then I got to lay there thinking to myself, Why did I stop going to the dojo in fucking 1999? Why did I only go four times? You know, I could go down there like passenger 57 and just handle this shit, but I stopped going. And then I was just up. So I figured, hey man, I'm up, man, fuck it.

Why not fucking go out, goddamn fucking garage? Knock out the podcast. Well, I can only do the first half of it because it's so early. I don't have your guys' questions for the week. You know, will you ask me advice because you're too cheap to get a therapist? I know what you're up to. Gas prices go up. Something has to be cut. What do you cut first? What's one of the first things you cut?

Your own mental health. I know what I do. Instead of talking to this therapist who's been trained professionally, I'm going to talk to a bald orange man who has no psychology background whatsoever. He even uses the word psychology. That's probably wasn't even the right fucking word. I fucking hated those words before spell check. Psychology, psychological, psycho, syphilis.

I couldn't fucking spell any of those goddamn words. You just sit there and go, what is it? It's P-S-Y-C-H, psych, right? That's what it was. And then you had to go the rest of the way. And there was one L, is there two? Am I going to pass this class? Do I need this class? Is this what the fuck I want to do?

Look at that hot chick over there. Why don't I just walk up? Oh, that's right. That's right. Because I'm the color of Donald Trump's tie. I didn't know what I'm talking about. Sorry. Anyway, I had a fucking crazy day yesterday. Just a crazy day. I absolutely fucking crushed it as a father.

But then I flipped out about something and I fucking ruined it, you know. Fucking assholes. I went to Home Depot. You know that fucking way? That's like the perfect whoever scored that commercial for Home Depot. Just that sound. It makes you feel like you know how to fix shit, right?

Like get down here and you know, go buy that crescent wrench and go fix your fucking sink. So I went down there, like the house husband, to buy a vacuum cleaner. That's what I went down there to get a fucking mitre saw, right? To get some new drill bits. To get a cabin fiber fucking hammer. I didn't go down there for that shit.

I went down there to buy a vacuum cleaner for my garage. Because I'm a married man, that's where I live. That's my, that's my, my, I like the garage. I also like being married by the way. I do. But you know, I don't know that I could be married without a garage. I think those two go hand in hand. I think the second you say I do, right,

she gets all your money and you get a garage and then that works. Then it just works and all you do is keep them happy and your happiness is that they're not mad at you. No, I'm kidding. My wife actually made me laugh my fucking ass off before I even got out of bed yesterday. I said something stupid to her and she just fucking trashed me. And I was laughing like solid laugh for like fucking two straight minutes.

To the point I got her to start, she stopped being mad at me. I don't know what the fuck and she had a, you know, I would say that she's mad at me, but I also then, I never really quite say what I did to make her that way. You know, what it's, what is called is a one side story, which is what, you know, hairy legged white chicks really enjoy on social media. The old one side of story. I'm going to say what happened and then that's going to be it.

Cause that's what happened. Cause I'm white and have a vagina. That'd be a good name for a fucking sports team. The white vaginas probably comes off as probably racist on some level. Like we're not not racist. It comes off as white supremacy. Can you imagine if you had just like a fucking, just a racist league, the supremacists instead of the white socks, the whites.

Oh, shut up Bill. All right. Anyway, plowing ahead. It was a bad idea for a sketch even in the seventies. So I just had a great, had a great fucking day, you know, I just hung out with my kids all day. You know, I was just listening to my daughter talk and looking at her and just, you know, they make like these cognitive leaps where like the conversation all of a sudden, I don't know where it's just like, and you always realize it like usually after you walked away like,

wait a minute, wow, that was a way beyond conversation that I've had with my kids since ever. You know, God, I'm stupid. I can't even fucking, I can't even communicate my fucking thoughts. Maybe if it feels like she's making cognitive leaks because I'm so fucking stupid. Maybe that's what it is. Yeah, so I was just talking, I was like literally just taking her in. You know, you have a moment in your life you're like, I'm going to be I'm going to think about this in the future. And you realize it like in the fucking moment.

Those are always great if you can do that. So I was doing that and I got this new thing with my son because he, you know, he has like these meltdowns. You know, he's two years old. He just fucking like, and it's not the terrible twos like they say it's he's been doing it since he was one. He just when he gets something in his hand that he wants and he doesn't want you to get it. Like, first of all, he puts a death grip on it and he screams like a fucking wild man. So the way I grew up is what you do as a dad then all the dads in my neighborhood, my dad will all be like, knock it off, start fucking yelling at a baby, start yelling at a toddler like it cut you off in traffic.

You know, that's that's just how dads were back then. That's what you did. You had bass in your voice and you fucking used it. You turned it up to 11 and you screamed at a fucking one or two year old and you made him pee a little bit. And then they gave up the fucking Frisbee or whatever the hell they had back in the 70s. Right. But, you know, I see how I turned out and I'm like, okay, maybe that's not a good approach. You know, so I do this thing that I just I literally just rub his head.

I'm like, buddy, buddy, you can't do this. You can't throw stuff at your sister. You know, you can't push your mom like he like he gets mad and he like he wanted to sit in my car. Right. Dad has car dad has car. And I, you know, I was like, buddy, I have to get ready to go. I don't know what the fuck we were doing. So I said, I'll do it in a minute.

And he's like, no, no, no, no. And I closed the door and he was like yanking on the door and I'm like, buddy, relax. And then he just ran at me screaming with both arms over his head. And I just ran into my leg. Like he just threw himself into me. And then he fell down and he started crying. And I just got this thing, you know, I just sort of sue them. And it's really been working.

My buddy, buddy, you can't, you can't do that. Just relax. It's going to be fine. It's big little kid tears. Yeah. We're starting to, you know, turn the corner with him where I noticed yesterday. It only happened a couple of times where it was like, you know, I was told, I was a little embarrassed when I was coming back from France as far as like, all right, I'm too much of

a pushover here with my kid. And I started to turn it around on the flight where, you know, it's funny little kids. They know when you're not fucking around, even if you're a pushover. They know when you're serious and they might push back a little bit, but then they kind of like, all right, I think I'm, I think I'm pushing the privileges here. So I had a great day like hanging out with him, like playing catch with him. I didn't, I haven't even had to teach him how to play catch. He just can fucking do it.

It's amazing. And my daughter threw a spiral with the football yesterday. I freaked the fuck out. And I was getting along with my wife, but I just kept having these fucking little outbursts during the day. And I'm like, why is my temper back like this? And I think I'm just stressing out about, you know, just all the work I got in front of me and all of that shit.

And also, you know what it is, is I fucking, I just kind of hit the wall with like just substances and shit. And I'm like, what am I doing? I fucking drinking in this coffee every day now. When the fuck did I ever drink coffee? I'm smoking cigars like it's going out of style. And, you know, I'm back to fucking smoking weed or eating a gummy like every fucking day.

And I was just like, you know what? Fuck this. Fuck all of this shit. I'm not doing any of this shit. I just shut it off and I'm not going to lie to you. The first two, three days is always hard. And then now I'm on the fourth day and I'm just like, I'm like, whatevs, man? See, that's how I know I'm not like a fucking, you know, I feel like addiction is a spectrum.

You know what I mean? When I grew up, they used to be like, you really were fucking addict or you're not. You had the disease. I don't believe that. I feel like there's all different levels of it. You know, I've been to AA meetings. I got a recipe for drinking and driving and was required to go to two of those. And I'll never forget those meetings.

I always remember this thinking like, you know, I, I drink. I don't fucking drink. These people are out of their fucking mind. They're out of their fucking minds. I was joking with the buddy. My yesterday is like, I just, I went to those meetings. I just didn't relate to them. What's your fucking yellow-fingered donut eaters?

He just said everything that they did is they're going to smoke cigarettes. They smoked it all the way down to their fucking thing to the point that fingers were brown and yellow. I never saw somebody brown and yellow fucking fingers in my life and just scarfing down donuts, anything to get a rush, to get a 50. What was fucking hilarious is all up to, you know, fucking sober. I didn't want to be in the back like, you're still killing yourself. You're fucking smoking a pack of cigarettes during the meeting and you're filling yourself

up with fucking sugar. Yeah, you won't die a cirrhosis of the liver, but you'll die a heart disease. And then all those fucking friends of Bill and it'll be like, it was a success. He gave himself, he realized he was powerless against his father. They should have a room right next to it. You know, cigarettes and donuts anonymous. I actually don't think it's like that anymore. I mean, I literally went to those meetings like fucking over 30 years ago, how fast time

is going by. So anyway, so I think because I, you know, just getting these substances out, I just been a little fucking short fuse and I got my truck washed and, you know, I had some work done in the garage and you know, they had cut a little bit of the ceiling out and they got this fucking dust all over the place. By the way, I love when somebody comes over to your fucking house to fix something and if you have tools lying around, they just fucking just start using them. You know what I mean?

Like I had a ladder in the garage and I see these footprints and these guys just fucking use the ladder. You know what I mean? Like all of my shit gets drafted into their little fucking war. They have to fight like fixing six, bring your own fucking tools. Use your own fucking tools, you cunts. They do it all the fucking time. They're like, they're fucking, I swear to God.

Then another thing that I love too is they don't give a fuck. They just, they just leave the door open because they're walking in and out. They can't open and close the door. You get all kinds of flies in the fucking house. They've read their fucking animals. They come in like fucking grizzly bears. Or maybe I just feel emasculated that I don't know how to fix it, but I'm just gonna make it a be a but that they use my ladder and left the door open.

I didn't even finish the fucking story. So I get my truck washed. I'm like, well, I want it to stay looking shiny and newcomer board. It's my F100. It shifts on the column. That's what I hang my manhood on. It shifts on the column. So I'm like, all right, I need to fucking wash the tap, the car cover there so I can keep

this thing looking good, right? So I wash the things, the big stupid bulky fucking thing. And I know good goddamn well. You can wash a car cover. Dry it. Unless you have like some industrial level giant fucking, you know, a dryer the size of a fucking refrigerator, which obviously I don't. So I just hang it off the back porch.

I let it dry old style. Like step right up, step right up. Coming to you to the greatest show on earth, right? Like the old days where the ladies would be out there hanging their fucking husbands wife in their tears and mascara off the front of it. They would fucking dry it in the alleys. I don't even know if they would do that. I don't even they I just seen enough movies where that's where they did it.

You know, that's like one of those things like, you know, like how Hollywood really is your perception of of people who aren't white. You know what I mean? I just ever since I've been like reading these fucking books and shit. It's just like, I don't know people acted like that. I thought it was like it was in the movies, right? How they have like Native Americans, you know, you know, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. These stupid fucking songs that white people came up with.

Oh, they acted like fucking like black people like all slaves were just scared shitless of fucking white people. And then you read these books and they weren't. They would give white people shit, you know, after a while, you know, like they would just. It's just like anything you can push somebody so far before they like go fuck yourself. They're fucking people. I don't know if that made sense, but anyway, plowing ahead here. I don't know what the hell this has to do with the fucking tarp, but whatever. It's early in the morning. I got woken up by a smoke alarm.

Oh, I don't know. I was reading that, that, that, that Wilmington book. It was like the cop would come down and tell the black people, all right, you got to disperse. You got to disperse. They're like, fuck you when I go anywhere. We're free. And I'm like, they said that in the 1890s. And it's like, oh yeah, why wouldn't they? People have been saying, fuck you. I'm not going anywhere since the goddamn caveman days. But once somebody makes a movie who doesn't know what they're talking about, that becomes your reference. Because I got to be honest with you. I lived in New York for 12 years.

I never heard one New Yorker, New Yorker go, oh, I'm walking here. Never saw that. I never heard any Italian go, oh, other than on the Sopranos. And I'm not shitting on that show. I'm just saying, I'm not saying it didn't fucking happen. I'm just saying, I know a lot of Italians from New York and any, I've never heard them go, oh. Although I did hear forget about it. Everybody said forget about it, you know, until Donnie Brasco came out and then it fucking ruined it. That ruined that because then all like the fucking cinephiles, if you would say it, you know, yeah, that's,

have you gone over to, you know, so-and-so restaurant? Is it good? Oh, forget about it. Right. Everybody said that, right? And then they would go forget about it. And you'd be like, all right, it's over. It's over. That movie ended it. So my truck cover dries. And I bring it out to the gay Raj. I put the gay in garage, by the way. Because I don't know how to fix anything, right? Not saying that gay people can't be handy. All right. And I didn't mean that in a sexual way.

So I go out there with the fucking top. And this happens to me every time I put this fucking stupid top on, it's an all black, you know, soft is a horse's muzzle. All right. There's a fucking reference for you. And every time I go to put it on, I can't figure out which is the front and which is the back because there's nothing for the mirrors. It's just one of those ones that just goes over it goes right over the truck like fucking when you do paper and somebody else throws out rock, right? Just right on top like that. Like a spider on a bug there, right? So I go to put it on. And of course, it's not fucking working.

I'm looking for the fucking hole that I cut for the antenna. And I don't know if Moss got at it. There's a bunch of fucking little microscopic little holes. I can't find it. And dude, I fucking had such a meltdown. So mad at myself. It's like every time I put this fucking thing on, I have to do it like 15 fucking times. Why don't I just take a magic marker out and write front on the front?

Why don't I just fucking do that? So I got this piece of shit fucking workout little bench in my garage. And I swear to God, if you even look at the thing, one of the legs collapses. And they got these things that you stick into the little holes to make sure it doesn't do it, but it doesn't fit. I mean, I don't know what I'm doing wrong with the thing. It's just this classic, you know, made in China rip off of something that should have been made in Mexico, because that's where all of our shit is. It's either in China or Mexico, I feel.

So I threw that across the garage because what ended up happening was in my frustration of taking it off again, I fucking yanked it up and I hit the ceiling, which is dusty from the guy's fucking cutting it and it made the tarp dirty. I didn't realize that the car cover and I put it on my truck and I got my truck dirty. I was just like, like, I was so fucking upset with myself that I was literally like, fuck this. I go inside and I go, I'm getting a giant white piece of paper and I am just fucking writing front on the front of this fucking thing. When I finally got it together, I wrote it on a piece of paper and then I taped it to the front and I'm thinking like, well, what's going to happen when I go to wash this thing? And I got this piece up and I'm like, I'll fucking take it off.

It was upset. So I go in to our copier little thing, right, to get the piece of fucking paper. And of course, there's like toys on top of the copier and one of them had like a little bag or whatever. And I was just thinking I would just lift it up. I don't even know why I would even lift it up. I don't know why I even did that. And the bag tipped over and like 40,000 fucking things, so plastic Easter egg looking things spilt out. And I just snapped.

I go, what the fucking fucking, I just lost my shit ever so briefly. But that was just enough to fuck the whole day up, right? Then I go over. And by the way, if you're an aunt or an uncle, an aunt or an uncle, however you're supposed to say it, right? And you buy toys for your niece and nephews that has 5,000 fucking pieces. You're a fucking asshole. Especially if you don't have kids. If you don't have fucking kids, I don't look at that as an excuse.

That's your passive aggressive thing. You're upset because you don't have fucking kids. You want kids and you don't have kids. So now you're going to try to make my fucking life miserable by buying them a fucking thing that has like 50,000 fucking pieces to it. And the only time all those 50,000 pieces are going to be all together is the first time I open the box. And then after that, they're going to be all over the fucking house, right? Oh, Billy, no substances. It's on one today, baby.

So I go over to the counter and I write front in big fat fucking letters with a shappy and I start coloring it in. And I color in the F, I get halfway through the R and I said, oh no, is this going through the paper and onto my counter? And I look through and sure enough, it did. And I was like, what? This is just one of these fucking days, right? So now I'm fucking scrubbing it. And of course, it's not coming off, right? And I deliberately got the granite countertops because those other ones, the marble ones, it's just whatever gets in them.

It just absorbs it into it and you can't get it out. It's like stuck in there like that guy under the ice in the omen, right? So I'm scrubbing, it's not coming off, dish washing thing. I finally get it to fucking come off. I'm just like this fucking day, right? I didn't even tell you what happened. I bought a fucking shop vac at Home Depot. This is what really set me off is when I bought it, I saw a little piece of tape over the flap that opens the box.

I'm like, wait, did somebody return this thing? I was already standing in the line. I turned around, there's 10 people behind me. I'm like, I'm not going back. I'm sure it's fine. I bring the fucking thing home. It looks like somebody vacuumed out like a fucking barn fine piece of shit car with a mouse nest in it. The thing was filthy.

It was fucking filthy. So now I got to go back. Back to fucking Home Depot. And I know what these cunts are going to say to me. They're going to say, well, how do we know you didn't do that? It's like, buddy, I'm not trying to fucking return it. I'm trying to exchange it. And at some point I'm going to drop the F bomb and I already know what I'm going to do.

I'm going to leave that fucking thing with them and be like, this is my gift to you. You can put it back on the shelves dirty like you did before. Like this is why you go to mom and pop. You can't wait. You go to mom and pop thing and they got like fucking two options. Or you go to Home Depot. They got every a million options and two employees. And you go and buy something that somebody already fucking used and returned.

I didn't think it had the fucking filter in it. So, oh, Bill, oh, Billy's on edge, right? So I fucking come back out. This has a happy ending, by the way. I fucking taped this giant white thing that says front. Like there's no fucking way I can ever screw this up again to the front of it. Okay. Oh my God, this shit I was giving myself.

It's like, why don't you write front on it? Why do you go through this every time? It's like, why don't you save any of your fucking passwords for your fucking accounts on the internet? Why do you set yourself up for this? Why are you such an ADD fucking idiot, right? So I was like, all right, do I really want to bring this energy back into the house again? No, I do not. So I closed the fucking garage and I sat down and I played my drums,

which I've been doing it because I've had a little bit more time now. So I'm getting towards the end of this edit of this movie that I think is going to be fucking great. I'm very excited about it. I sat down and played fucking drums. And I'm going to tell you this, dude. My fucking right foot was on fire. I was so fucking mad that I don't even, and I didn't even have my cell phone. I didn't give a fuck.

And I started playing like these bottom phrases. And I think I was the closest to playing good times, bad times. I was fucking burning through it. And I was also fucking with that. That lick he does on, I can't quit you, babe. Where he, it's a 16th note triplet, followed by like three in a row. It's like, go, go, go, dad, zippa-da-dum, ba-ba-ba-boom. It's that ba-ba-ba-boom that I could never get after.

And I started fucking with that. And I just kind of came up with this, this bass drum exercise going in and out of three in a row and 16th note triplets, which is just like a technique thing. But if you do the two separately, when you try to do one after another, you know, up to tempo, it always falls apart. And then you get upset and you'd be like, I'm never gonna be able to do it, as opposed to just trying to work on going in and out of both of them at a tempo you can handle. That's what I started doing. And I was so fucking mad, not to mention warmed up, walking back and forth from the fucking house.

The blood was flowing, so the limbs weren't cold. I fucking crushed it, so I was psyched about that. I came inside, I apologized to my wife. I said, sorry, I screamed, fuck and goddamn Home Depot orange fucking cunts. I'm sorry I yelled that in the kitchen. And she's just looking at me like, like she should be looking at me. And I'm like, I said, all right, I'm going to do stand up tonight. I'm going to give you give you a break from me and she just starts laughing.

So I ended up going out and I went down to the comedy store and I went up and I just went up in front of like this absolutely perfect crowd. They were so much fucking fun. And I tried a few new things. I talked about my day with the goddamn shop vac. And I had one of those sets was just every reason why I did stand up and they were asked me if I wanted to go up in this other room and I said yes before that set. And then after the set, I was just like, I'm good, I'm good. It's not going to get better than that. I'm not going to fucking chase it.

And so it did, it did have a nice, a nice ending there. And then I, you know, got my, my wife, somebody on the way home and everything was good. So today I'm going to be hanging out with my son because my wife's having a, you know, mother daughter day with my daughter. Probably take my son up and down the driveway in the truck. We'll play catch. Maybe go to the park. Something like that. It's going to be fucking awesome.

I'll do it. I didn't even bring up the fucking Red Sox Yankee series. I watched every goddamn ending of that so far. Well, mostly, you know, when I wasn't fucking walking in on that, I was screaming about fucking Home Depot. I don't know if you guys watch these fucking games. Can you ever type your password and write the first time? Does that ever happen? It doesn't ever happen for me. I don't feel fucking Red Sox, man.

First of all, the Yankees are fucking unbelievable. I mean, Jesus Christ, they're on a tear here. But the great thing is, is all we have to do is get the wild card. So I'm kind of hoping that the Yankees win like 130 games and have one of the great, you know, regular seasons of all time. Because all that does is work to the Red Sox advantage because then it's just like they're supposed to win it. So the pressure is on them and we can come in like the fucking, yeah, we kind of backed in, you know, we're playing with house money. So, of course, we go to play the Yankees and it's just like our entire starting rotation is out. And I'm like, they're going to fucking massacre us.

Like we started, we're starting four rookies. We haven't done that in 60 years. Four games in a row starting four rookies from the Worcester Red Sox. I had no idea Pawtucket shut down. I guess somebody, you know, bought the Pawtucket Red Sox was trying to get a new stadium, which I don't know what the fuck was wrong with the other stadium. It's a minor league park. Granted, I didn't buy it and see what the plumbing looked like. They fucking, they moved to Worcester and I got to go to a game out there.

So anyways, they bring up like three rookies that can have another one today. And the first game, like, I don't know, we get like, we let up a fucking grand slam, I think. It was like four to nothing. And then it was like, yeah, it was four to nothing. And then Devers, of course, comes up, hits a fucking homerun. He walked the first time, then hits a homerun, makes it four to two, then it became six to two. And then Devers comes up later and hits a three run homerun to make it six to five. And I want to say that's how it stayed.

It was sort of respectable, six to five, seven to five. And then the next day we got fucking shelled, still scored like five runs or whatever. I do like that we score and runs on them. Like my fantasy is that fucking, you know, they kick our ass now. And then when we hopefully make the playoffs, we meet them in the playoffs, Sale is back, Evaldi's back, Walker's back, was it? Nick Povetta's back and, you know, our bats get hot. But I gotta be honest with you, like the fucking Yankees, it's just like,

I mean, I don't know what they're spending their money on. They somehow have a $200 million team. And I don't like, I don't know anybody on that. I know Judge, Aaron Judge, I know, I know Rizzo's having a good year. And then everybody else, I'm like, who the fuck are these guys? I mean, dude, they had a guy on the mound. He literally looked like a dad from the bleachers. And I don't know what his name is because the fucking Yankees,

they don't have their names on the back of their jerseys, you know, since way back in the day, back in the day when they were like the fucking Bronx bombers, their deal was when I put my names on the bag, you know who we are, right? Some fucking like top shelf shit talk, which made sense, you know, back then, I mean, yeah, Ruth, Gary, DiMaggio, Mickey Mannell, and then all the other guys that you know, Yogi Bearer, Whitey Ford, Billy Martin, all of those fucking guys. Dawn Lassen, right? You didn't need to.

But now I'm looking at the Yankees and it's just like, guys, I don't know who the fuck these people are. All right, there's the internet, there's a thousand fucking channels. This isn't the 1940s where I'm fucking walking around, you know, painting a fence to get an apple, and I got a bunch of baseball cards and I'm flipping them in an alley, you know? He's gonna be a bonus, baby, you know, fucking doing that shit. It's like, put your names on the back of your fucking uniforms.

So I don't know any of their names, but I will tell you, my favorite fucking Yankee right now is the guy he covers for Aaron Judge, and they were saying he looks like Don Matt, I think Crawford is his name. They say he looks like Don Manningly. He goes, no, I'm like, no, he doesn't. He looks like the Gator, man. He looks like fucking Ron Guidry, who I loved when I was growing up, except when he was pitching against us, especially in 78, but I mean, that guy was just like fucking, got weighed like 160 pounds and was just mowing down people.

So he's got this, he looks like a fucking state trooper. I think he's on Reno 911, right? Whatever the fuck that, whatever the hell that name shows, right? He goes up, he's got the old school mustache, no batting gloves. My ass is fucking amazing, because I saw one of their other guys, it wasn't Aaron Judge, it was somebody else who hits a bunch of home runs, right? The guy hits a bunch of home runs, I think it was a DH. Whatever the his fucking name is, right?

He goes up and it's like, the guy's a monster, and he's got like this fucking like entire, like elbow, tricep forearm, like he's in the medieval manner, he's gonna have a sword fight. These fucking guys now, it's ridiculous, they come up there, they're fucking, they're dressed like goddamn gladiators, and they're hanging all over the plate, and God forbid, somebody drills them in the back of their fucking ass, right? As opposed to the front of your ass, I was gonna say the back in the ass,

I got a little tongue tied there, then they gotta charge the mound, like how dare you hit me! And every time they hit a home run, they stand there staring at it, it's like, I don't understand that shit, I don't get that. He should be able to celebrate what he just did. Yeah, and then the next guy gets fucking drilled in the ribs, that's how it worked, that's how it fucking worked. I love how you're not allowed to do that anymore, like, you know,

but the other person's allowed to have like a borderline Broadway show every time they hit a home run, and I'm not just saying the Yankees do, obviously the fucking, you know, I watched Devers just stand there watching his home run, like they watch the home run, and then they look at the picture, it's like you're just begging to get beamed. I mean, what do you do after that? You walk into a bar and grab some guy's fucking girlfriend and kiss her, and then stare at her, then you get punched, like, what the fuck was that all about?

Yes, that is the social equivalent to watching a home run, you just hit off a guy and staring at the picture, I believe it is. Okay, that might be a little tone deaf. So anyway, and then yesterday, I'm having like the worst day ever, and then all of a sudden it, you know, I fucking play some drums, right? I'm crushing the 16th, no triplets, the whole day turned around, and then I'm watching the fucking Red Sox, I had to get ready to go out, I jumped in the shower, I miss, you know, his Thai school was three to three,

and the Yankees were up, and I'm like, all right, I might miss the top of the ninth, whatever, shower, shave the head and everything, I come down, and I'm like, what the fuck, it was three to three, now it's five to three, I'm like, these fucking guys, man, they reminded me of the 1998 New York Yankees, where one of the things that I loved about that team was, I don't think I ever saw a team score more goddamn runs with two outs, they were just, they were the best of best fucking team I think I've ever, I've seen in my lifetime, the 1998 New York Yankees, they were fucking amazing,

so, I'm like, god damn it, you know, like, I'm not one of those sports fans, I just like, it's like, if you're doing it, you're doing it, so I'm just like, these motherfuckers, god damn it, they're fucking great, so we ended up tying it up in the bottom of the ninth, and anyway, we ended up getting like two on or whatever the fuck happened, I don't know, I can't even remember, the fucking kids running in and out, I'm doing all of that shit, all I know is we ended up fucking winning on a walkoff by old Dougie there, all of a sudden I can't remember his fucking name,

I think at this point at my age, I need the names on both the home and the away team, Alex Verdugo, and there was two outs, we had a guy in second and third, they actually baubled their third baseman, whatever his fucking name is, the guy who gets into it with the guy in the white socks, whatever that guy's name is, right, it was potentially a double play ball, and he fielded, he just had a weird thing, his finger got caught in the glove or something like that, I just luck went our way, and runners advanced to second and third, he threw out the guy at first, I think it was Xander Bogarts,

and then Verdugo came up, and I'm thinking there's two outs, so anything hit, these guys are running, so a single to right could fucking win it, and lo and behold, single to right, which I swear to God, Verdugo stood there and watched that, you get the fucking first base, Jesus Christ, you're lugging all that weight down with that giant gold chain, I'm gonna get one of those things, I'm gonna buy a giant gold chain, just fucking walk around, after every other joke, I'm gonna have to tuck it in, and there was, yeah, walk off single, and I fucking screamed like we just want a playoff game, so whatever, so we have some other Worcester prospect pitching tonight against the Yankees,

I mean what are the odds we're gonna beat that team again, I mean they're fucking, they're a goddamn buzz saw, but I gotta be honest with you, I don't know, I don't know where this, I gotta look at their payroll, I'm kind of fascinated now, like how much money are they spending on these guys I never heard of, obviously Aaron Judge is like fucking Paul Bunyan, everybody knows that guy, but all the other ones, I'm kind of like this looks like a fucking mom and pop team, like I can't sit here and say this is like a bunch of free agents, they still got that guy from the Marlins, whatever the hell his name is, I don't fucking know,

so this is one of these days where I don't even need reads, I'm just gonna run my fucking yap, you know what, I'm gonna do a little, the advertising reads here, and then I'm gonna, I don't know what I'm gonna do, I'm just gonna fucking wrap this thing up, I'm gonna talk about sports history, how about that? Sports history for 200, oh look who it is everybody, it wouldn't be a Monday morning podcast without, oh zip, zip recruiter, zip recruiter wouldn't need to have their name on the back of the jersey, I know who the fuck they are, you know, nothing is better than dealing with someone who knows how to do their job,

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that's where you can try zip recruiter for free, again that zip, the smartest way to hire, fuck I love the ending of that, I love the ending of that copy, that's like old school advertising, you know, name of the company, little dramatic pause, but not one that brings tension, a little pause, and then the little slogan, you know, Dunkin Donuts, eat it you fuck, whatever, whatever, I couldn't think of one, alright butcher box, eat it you fuck, that's not a bad slogan, that would make me laugh and I'd be like, you know what, I kind of got to go into that store and see who owns it,

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it's fucking unreal, that's another group of people that just what they get away with, what they fucking get away with is just off the charts, nobody gives them any shit, none whatsoever, where the fuck is all my reads here, all right, I said I was going to talk about, I was going to talk about sports, so I have a buddy of mine, I love the guy, he's a big time Yankee fan, and I did a gig with him recently and he was talking about he goes Yankees, he goes, we're the best, we're the best, you know, because they got 27 championship, nobody in any other sport has like that many championships, and you know, I break his balls, and I'm just like, I mean, you guys were the best for the first half of the last century, you know, you kind of slowed down,

wouldn't you say, I mean like, it's just like, I have this thing with like sports that this in every sport, including basketball with the Celtics, where, so I'll shit on the Celtics here, all right, where it's like, we win like 11 championships in 13 years, we win nine in a row, all right, but you look at the league back then, that's when like 511 white guys were all over the place, you know, Will Chamberlain wasn't allowed to dunk, you know what I mean, Will scores 100 points in a game, no one's ever going to fucking do that, there's always like these ridiculous fucking records, and I just always feel like, it's like, I get it, you won the championship back then, but it's just like, there's so many different fucking variables,

you know, to sit there and look at those championships back then, and I'm not saying that winning a championship wasn't winning a championship, I would never say that, but like the sheer amount, like take like the Montreal Canadians that like, you know, they're counting Stanley cups back when the Stanley Cup was like the size of a mug of beer and you won it when you were playing fucking pond hockey, I'm just saying, you know what I mean, like, if you look at baseball, like how much the game has changed, first of all, to win a World Series, first of all, to win the pennant back then, all right, it's like, all you had to do was have the best record in in the American League or the National League, and that was winning the pennant, whoever had the

best record, that was it, and you went directly to the World Series, so if you had the best record in the regular season, all you then had to do was win four games, nowadays, there's 30 fucking teams, there's all this nutrition and all of these fucking stats that all of these fucking nerds sticking to computers to try to fuck you out of getting a hit, and then you make the playoffs, as a wildcard team, you now have to win, was it 16 games and play a possible 28 fucking playoff games to do it, it's just not the same thing, of course, nobody's ever gonna go on a run like that, same thing with basketball, nobody's ever gonna win nine in a row, although the fucking 90s bulls probably could have won five or six, which, and to me, that would have been better

than winning nine in the 60s, to win like, you know, seven, if you win like six or seven in the 90s, to me, that's more impressive than winning nine in a row in the inception of a league, you know, so my thing is like, I kind of like categorize shit, where it's like, you know, you look at like, I always love using this example, like, the last person to hit 400 for this season was Ted Williams, okay, and he did that in the 1940s, I want to say 1946, I can't remember when, nobody has ever done it again, okay, it's coming up on 80 years, okay, more than three quarters of a century, nobody has ever done it again, however, if you go the other way and look at it, somebody was hitting 400 like every other year, and if you go far enough

back, you'd have a couple of guys would do it in a year, and if you go all the way back to the 1800s, they had like years where three guys would hit 400, all right, so all of those fucking records from way back then, all of these home runs, like RBIs, Hank Greenberg had 190 fucking home runs, nobody's ever going to break that record, like guys in the 90s, in the 2000s, literally had to do fucking steroids and go up there like a goddamn X-man to break records done by, that were set by set by people who had off-season jobs, he plays right field for the St. Louis Browns, and during the off-season, he works construction, he hit 400 through a no-hitter and had 190 RBIs, like back then, like you would fucking literally like, if there was a double header, it was like,

yeah, Bill, you're pitching, it's like the first game right now, the whole fucking all 18 innings, I can't do that, what's the idea, see a pitch and see, so I mean, I can only take that shit, like, you gotta knock it down a little bit, like the way I look at it, there's like, there's the inception of the league slash only white people were allowed to play championships, I mean, don't you think it's kind of weird that the last time somebody hit 400, it was still an all-white league, all right, and then all of a sudden, when the Josh Gibson's Pedro Martinez, CeCe Sabatius, and all this great talent from other races is allowed to play, nobody ever does it again, despite the fact that you had guys like Mickey Mantle, Willie Mays, Pete Rose, Tony Gwynne,

Wade Boggs, all of these master fucking hitters, George Brett, nobody ever did it again, I don't know, I just feel, I don't know, there's just something about that, so for me, I kind of look at it in my lifetime, so this is the argument I present to this, my buddy who's a Yankee fan, I just look at it like this, like in my lifetime, if I look at, if you're going to say we're the best, we have the most championships, there's sort of like, you know, it's like in tennis, the pre-open era, the post-open era, I have like the pre, it was white guys only, and then the post, now everybody can play, and now we really can see what you're going to do, okay, and I'm not saying, I'm not saying that like,

obviously the Yankees would still have the most like World Series, and all of that, and all of that type of shit, and I'm not saying that all of those great Yankees couldn't play in any era, but I am saying though, they went up against a lot of white pitchers who wouldn't even be in the fucking league, because the Pedro's of that era weren't allowed to play, but I guess there was less teams, it was an all fucking white league, give me a fucking break, look at ESPN, what do you see it, you see a white guy behind the sports desk, other than that it's pretty fucking slim pickets, sorry, I had to get that out, so as far as the way I look at it, in my lifetime, and I hate to fucking say this, the most successful franchise in all four sports in my lifetime is

the Los Angeles Lakers, they've won 11 titles, all right, and the Montreal Canadians have won, I think 10 titles in my lifetime, and then the Boston Celtics have won eight, and the Yankees have won seven, so there's an argument to be made, like they've been, the thing about the Yankees that I think makes them the best of all time, is they've only gone two decades where they didn't win a championship over the course of a hundred years, that's fucking unreal, that really is unreal, so I'm not saying that they're not the greatest, I don't know, I'm just saying like you know, it's kind of like the Celtics, it's like we have 17 titles, so do the Lakers, but we won like nine of those, 11 of those, during the 23 Skidoo years, and then it's also, and I just feel,

but then I also feel like the NBA is like rigged in a way, where now it's like pile on fucking teams, so then it comes down to weather and level of pussy in your city, I feel, like you know, I mean who's can know, it's like you know, it's Cleveland ever gonna have a pile on fucking team, you know, and there's a bunch of dumb people, they had LeBron, LeBron was their guy, that was their fucking guy, so I don't give a fuck that he came back from Miami, that was their guy, it's like nobody is like, the Indiana Pacers are never gonna have like a fucking you know, like LeBron's never gonna go to Indiana and then try to get a bunch of people to come out to fucking you know, it's South Bend Indiana, whatever the fuck they play, right, Indianapolis,

it's just not gonna happen, so I find it to be, it's just sort of a, I don't know, it's a weird thing, whatever, or maybe it was just my Red Sox were getting their fucking asses kicked, and my buddy was a Yankee fan was talking shit, and I just needed to come up with an angle, I'm just out of curiosity, okay, because then you look at like, like what do you guys think about that, because if you look at like football, what I don't understand, and I've said this a silly time, so I'll blow through this, is how they don't count NFL titles, you know, they just count everything after the merger with the AFL, but there's been plenty of leagues that have merged, like the fucking NHL has merged like two or three times with other leagues,

but they had the expansion six, I guess that's not, that was an expansion, and then they had, what was it, the IHL, where they brought in like the Indianapolis Racers that became the fucking Edmonton Oilers, and they still count all those Stanley Cups, you know, all the way back in the day, you know, but for some reason, like the Green Bay Packer won like 11 NFL titles, and they just, that all just got thrown out, I think if you count NFL titles, then the most successful franchises of all time would be, I think, definitely the Green Bay Packers, and then I think it's the Giants, because the Giants very quietly won in both eras, they just had a brutal from like, once they lost Sam Huff and Frank Gifford and all that, or they were also kind of the Buffalo

Bills of the 1950s, where they went to the title game like, I don't know, like three or four times in four or five years and lost every time, and then they just sucked in the 60s and 70s, and then fucking a man named Lawrence Taylor showed up, who to this day, I don't think anybody ever looked better in a fucking football uniform than that guy, he just looked like, like if you drew a football player, totally changed the position, did I ever see him live? No, I don't, I never did, fuck. I look back now and I think, why didn't I just get in my fucking car, and just drive down, you know, why didn't I drive out to the odd in Buffalo to see a Sabres game, or go down and go to a Wailers game, or drive down to fucking the Meadowlands and go see the

Giants with fucking Lawrence Taylor and Harry Carson, why didn't I fucking do that? You know why? Because there was no GPS back then, all right? And it just, it was very intimidating back then to drive that fucking far, like I don't know where the fuck I'm going, like you had to go to the gas station and get the really big map, you know, comedies just do bits about that, how you could never fucking fold it up again, and you were just completely fucked, and you had to squint and point to the road, it was intimidating, that's why. There, I should have gone to the Spectrum, I could have seen Dr. J down there, at least scalped the ticket. You know, all those years when the Celtics were great in the 80s, I only went to one game, and that was, I scalped tickets to

go see the, then play the Detroit Pistons, the Bad Boys, and of course fucking Isaiah Thomas wasn't playing, but I saw the rest of those fucking assholes. All right, anyways, that's the podcast here. I mean, like, well, let me know, like what you think, I mean, I guess for sports history, you gotta, you know, you gotta count that shit. I actually thought, this is one of the thoughts I had after my smoke alarm woke me up, was, you know, I was just thinking about NFL titles and that type of shit, and you look at the original Buffalo Bills, as far as going to the Super Bowl and not winning, was the Minnesota Vikings, and it's just funny to me that no one ever examines that, and things like, why are they so snakebitten? Like, that year they were 15 and one,

and they couldn't fucking lose, and they just had, like, Randy Moss and fucking, was it, was it Randall Cunningham, and they just were fucking electrifying to watch, and they lost to the goddamn Dirty Birds, the Atlanta Falcons, and they just like fucking snakebitten. Why is it? I have a theory as to why they're cursed, you know, like the Montreal Canadians are cursed, because they booed Patrick Waugh, you know, they booed him out of the out of their city, and he went on to win two cups with the Colorado Avalanche, formerly the Quebec Nordiques, as we all know, right, and they invited him back years later, because they kind of know, those Frenchies up there, they kind of know that they fucked up,

you know, it's like rhyming the ancient mariner, but with Patrick Waugh. I literally can't even remember the fucking point I was trying to make, oh, the Minnesota Vikings, so a lot of people don't know this, but the Minnesota Vikings were part of the original AFL, they were an original AFL team, they were down with the AFL, and when the AFL came out, the NFL laughed at the AFL saying it's an inferior league and all that shit, and they did two things to fuck with the AFL. The richest owner was Lamar Lundy, and he owned a team called the Dallas Texans, they had red and white uniforms, all red with the white, you know, outlining the Texas on the side of their helmet, so what they did to fuck with them was they were

like, all right, this is the rich, as they said publicly, we're not worried about this league, they did two things to fuck with them, before they even started was they put, that's what Dallas Cowboys came about, because they're like, all right, we'll put an NFL franchise in the same city that the richest owner has won, so we'll fuck with half of his gate to hopefully make him go under, and he has the most money, and then everybody else will get disgruntled and leave, and then the other thing they did was they took one franchise, they went to the Minnesota Vikings, for whatever reason, Minnesota, they went to them and they said, hey, do you want to just join the NFL in Minnesota, turn their fucking backs on the AFL, and sold out and join the NFL,

those turncoat motherfuckers, and they have been paying for it ever since, I, and I actually believe that Al Davis probably put a fucking hex on them, and they never made things right with Al, and unfortunately Al is no longer with us, because Al Davis, when the AFL was voting on whether or not to merge with the NFL, because they were seriously hardcore fucking with the NFL, they took a vote, and I don't know how many teams there were, say there was 10 teams in the league at that point, they agreed to join the NFL on a nine to one vote, there was only one guy that said, went fucking Tony Montana, he said, fuck the NFL, I'll bury those cockroaches, there was only one owner that said, fuck them, we're not joining, we're putting

you out of business, and that was Al Davis, so if he had that type of fucking blood in him, which you know he did, any fucking, you know, older guy that still has a fucking diamond bracelet, you never fucking with sunglasses, you don't have a fuck with an old guy that has a diamond bracelet and fucking sunglasses, that guy, that guy will carry a grudge until he gets you back, and I'm telling you, I think Al Davis put a hex on the fucking Minnesota Vikings, I think it's the curse of Al Davis, because I can only imagine what he said, oh his mother fuckers, he probably, like if somewhere out there, the original owners of the Minnesota Vikings has the voicemail that Al Davis left them, you know, you fucking ball-less pieces of shit,

you said you were all about starting this league and taking the fucking NFL down, and they batted their fucking eyes at you, and what did you do, you folded, you folded like a fucking lawn chair, I don't know why, I don't know what he said, but you know, I bet he, I bet he was like fuck those motherfuckers, I bet he enjoyed every time, every time they lost a Super Bowl, wait a minute, the fucking Raiders beat him in Super Bowl XI, holy shit, and Sammy White went over the middle and he almost took his fucking head off, oh god he must have enjoyed that, there's gotta be, somebody must have written something about that, all right, I'm out of time here, that's it, I will read your questions on Thursday, because there's a bunch of prog rock

shit bands that people were gonna be suggesting to me, that is it, I'm just fucking with you guys, like Yankee fans and everything, you know, I obviously know you guys, you know, are the greatest franchise of all time, but like I'm just saying, you know, because I threw the Celtics in there too, you gotta admit, you know, if you won, you know, a bunch of dozen championships when it was just a bunch of white guys, don't you think it really would have been more like eight, seven, six, all right, that's it, all right, go fuck yourselves, I'll check it on you on Thursday. you