Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-13-20

Episode Date: July 13, 2020

Bill rambles about Friday the 13th, animal fights, and managing libidos.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 13th, 2020. Hey, how come that's not bad luck? How come just like the number 13 every month isn't bad? It's Friday the 13th. Where the fuck did that come from? Well, those interesting questions and others will be answered in the next hour. I actually have a couple announcements to make. All right, Nate Bargazzi, one of the funniest comedians and best joke writers I know, has a new podcast on the All Things Comedy Network called Nate Land. Premiered last week, subscribe on iTunes, Spotify, and wherever else podcasts are available. And Paul, dude I called it, Verzi, who's our next guest on the Bill Burt podcast, has a new show and network.

Dude I called it, where guests tell about the time they called something and make future predictions. This week, Bill Burr, that's me, KFC from Barstool Sports, and Tom Green. Look at those big guests. I'm not saying I'm a big guest, but there's other guys. Subscribe on YouTube. All right, let's get down to fucking, why Friday the 13th? Why is Friday the 13th? You guys know you want to know the fucking answer. Unlucky. Why is it unlucky? Oh, is that because Jesus got his fucking, got nailed to the fence there, some shit. By shuffling digits of the number, wait a second, Friday the 13th. All right, is considered unlucky day in western superstition. It occurs when the 13th day of the month in the Gregorian calendar falls on Friday,

which happens at least once every year, but can occur up to three times in the same year. For example, in 2015, Friday the 13th occurred. Yeah, but why? All right, the irrational fear. I like that. I like the way Wikipedia wrote this. The irrational fear of the number 13 has been given a scientific name, Tricsca Dei Dei, the cacophobia. And on analogy to this fear, Friday the 13th is called, who gives a fuck? According to historian, Donald Dossi. Oh, the great double D. He liked the ladies with the big titties. You just scared the fucking shit out of me. My eyes are going bad. You just came walking in heat and tell me you're coming out here. My wife just walked in. Oh, you did? There's a mouse in the house? Okay, so it's all right. Oh, for fuck's sakes. No, I'll

get it. I'll kill the phone. I'm not gonna kill it. I'm gonna let it out the fucking side door. It's definitely in there. What did you make sure the thing's not gonna come running back out underneath the door? Did you put anything under the door? No. Jesus Christ. So what am I doing now? What am I doing? Am I going over there to get rid of this fucking thing? Or am I finishing? This is what you do. Walk outside the house, open the door to the laundry room and just fucking let the thing then open the door. Just let the thing run out. You think you're scared. You should try being the mouse. Thinks you're gonna eat it. You know what? Don't do anything. Just don't do anything. All right. You know what? I'm gonna go now because the fucking thing, because we got it right now.

All right. Hang on a second, everybody. All right. I'm back. I'm back. I was in a mouse with a fucking rat walking halfway back to the house because they had a really long tail. I'm like, how long is the tail? And she's like, this big? How big was the body? Well, yeah, I was like, that's a fucking rat. It was long gone by the time I got there. So I grabbed my kid's little fucking aluminum baseball bat. I was walking in there going like, this is stupid. I should have got a fucking mop handle. Get a little distance between me and that fucking thing. It's got the next COVID. So there you go. I tell you people, get yourself an old house. It's got character. It's got fucking varmints. I got to deal with that

bullshit. That's just part of living here. I remember when my wife was pregnant with my daughter. We rented this house because they were redoing the kitchen. One of the last fucking things we had to do on the house. So it'd be a brand new kitchen. Everything's ready to go. Everything's up to date for when the kiddo gets here. And of course, we rent this fucking house. And one night, my wife was upstairs. I had a bunch of buddies of mine over smoking cigars and shit. There was a fucking mouse in the goddamn house. I'm like, all right, let's get this thing. And you can't tell my wife that it's in here or else we're gonna have to rent a different house. I don't want to fucking deal with this shit. I swear to God, you could end any woman rally. All they need to do is

let a couple of mice go. And it's a fucking rap. All that warrior, all of that fucking bullshit that they're talking about. I literally was excited when she once I realized it was her. You know, my fucking eyes are good. I got to get some glasses. I thought she wanted to come on the podcast. You know, no, I have another job. Just fucking. I got to be honest with you. That's what's killing me. I love being a parent. I love being a husband. But this fucking bullshit where all they do, all they do is ask about your kids and your wife. Oh, she had another one. Oh, God bless her. Oh, how is she doing? Oh, that's great. How are they

kids? Not a fucking peep. Not a peep about the fucking guy. I have done more fucking jobs in the last 60 fucking minutes getting ready to go do this thing. You know, had to fucking take a step ladder, put this goddamn bullshit up on top of these shells, take the step ladder down, bring that thing down. There's too much, you know, she orders all this fucking food. There's not enough fucking room in the fridge. Now I got to get the goddamn bread out. I got to bring it out here to the garage to stick in this little ass fucking fridge. Do that. I got to get the kid a fucking bath and the kid's got to the bubbles above all of this fucking non fucking stop. Not stop. And all I want to do is come out here and find out why Friday the 13th is unlucky. And all of a sudden

she goes, but I'm just getting one more fucking job here. 9 20 at night. By the way, I'm knocking this fucking thing out Sunday night because I got a bunch of bullshit tomorrow. I thought this was a fucking pandemic. I thought everybody was standing around bored out of their fucking minds. Oh God, now I got to have some other fucking another guy coming over here, more fucking money, more money, more money, no gigs, no gigs, more money. So we got out to dinner tonight, right? We had a great time, by the way. Didn't go out to it and went out to go pick the fucking shit up. So I go to this place, the smokehouse in the valley. I love that place, right? So we ordered a bunch of fucking food and we're standing there waiting for a fucking order. This fat fuck comes

in, right? He's got a fucking mask on. But you know, fatties, you know, they are, they're about immediate gratification because he's so fucking fatty. Can't deal with this hot breath behind the mask. So the fucking dope pulls his mask down. It's just standing there with it over his mouth as he's breathing through his nose. I swear to God, I swear to God. What do you need to know to get a driver's license? I can't believe that people can be that fucking stupid and still have a fucking license to drive down the street into a fucking crowd of people because they're so fucking stupid. How fucking dumb are you? Jesus fucking Christ.

I swear to God, this whole fucking like just lowering the goddamn bar is just fucking ridiculous. They just keep lowering the fucking bar and everybody's proud and everybody's a fucking hero. And you know what? No one's getting the job done. This was a fucking adult who you know has procreated and you can't even fucking put on a mask right. The COVID's only in my mouth. Would you go down on a bat in fucking Hong Kong? You fucking more? I can't deal with that. I can't deal with it. All right, whatever. Plowing ahead. Plowing ahead. All right, according to folklore historian, double D, Donald Dossi, the unlucky nature of the number 13 originated with a Norse myth.

Now what's Norse? Does that mean Nordic? I hate Wikipedia. It's just when you think you're at this level dumb. Norse mythology is a body of myth of the North Germanic peoples. Oh Jesus, my people. We had a rough last century. Okay, you know, we got a little beside ourselves. All right. Where is it? The Norse something or other. What the fuck is it? I just had it. Double D, the trickster. Did I just blow past all of this? According to folklore, the unlucky number 13. Okay, it was a Norse myth about 12 gods having a dinner party in Valhalla. The trickster god Loki, who was not invited. Yeah, let me guess. And 12 people didn't want him to be there. This is the Isaiah Thomas or the fucking,

you know, of the gods. And he's still blaming everybody else. You know, I had, I had enough miracles to be there. Um, who was not invited arrived as the 13th guest and arranged for who, however you say that, H-O-O-R with some squiggles over the top who to shoot Balder. It must have been my fucking ancestors with a mistletoe tipped arrow. Dossi says Balder died in the whole earth. God dark. Oh, so, so this fucking cunt Loki told this whore to shoot Balder because Balder probably didn't invite Loki, you know, and whore had fucking daddy issues. So she went ahead and did it. Is that what happened? So the whole earth got dark and mourned. It was a bad unlucky day.

Jeez, that bullshit fucking story is why people get nervous. This is why you have to look up superstitions. Do you ever hear the one that had on a, had on a bed is unlucky? And that was because I guess back in the day when people would take that woolen hats off, you know, they had a full head of hair on like me, you know, they get static electricity and they'd see like the fucking, the sparks in the hair. So people thought the devil was in your hair. So it was in your hair and you had your hat on. It was also in your hat. If you put the hat on the bed, then the devil was in your bed and was going to fucking take your spirit. Somehow the fact that it was sitting on your fucking head was not a problem, you know? I'm surprised people didn't shave their heads.

Anyways, let's take the fucking tension down here, shall we? God damn fucking rat in my fucking house. I got two fucking kids in there. Fucking little bastards. Now what do I do? When I sleep in my daughter's room tonight? I think I got to do that. Little cunts. Anyway, I'll figure it out. So anyways, what the hell was I talking about here? I was trying to have a good time here on the podcast. I've been watching a bunch of drum videos and shit, you know, been looking at different drum heads and shit, because I was sitting behind my,

my kid and I was just not having fun lately. And I was just like, I'm just stuck. I'm working on the same shit. I'm not getting any better. I'm just spinning my wheels here. I'm sick of playing to the same fucking songs and all of this shit. And you know what I did? I, I guess you can't say you don't tune a drum, you tension it for all you drum nerds out there. I just, I just detuned, detensioned whatever and then just retuned up my fucking snare drum. And just that alone was a different sound and it made it sound just a little fresher, something different. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to get some new drum heads. This one seemed like fucking worn out. I've had them since I've owned the kit, which I got a couple of years ago. So I usually just change

out the snare drum head and I actually broke a bass drum, batter side head, because I didn't have those little sticky things on there. So I got that fixed up. So I know how to do that. So now I'll fuck with the toms, do something. But I've gone down some Vinnie Paul of Pantera, Rabbit Holes, but like lately, I've just been really just analyzing his drum parts and how they fit in with what everybody's doing, including the singer and all that. And God damn it, what a genius that guy was. I was lucky enough to meet him a number of times and came out to shows and shit. We only hung out a couple of times. We were such a great, great guy, humble guy and all of that. But I always loved that song, Fucking Hostile, off of that album. I'm not the biggest, I don't,

I always fuck these things up. Is that vulgar display with the kids getting punched in the face in the mosh pit? The way he just puts that together, the way the whole thing is essentially, most of their shit is in four, then they'll throw something weird in there. I haven't really broken it down yet, but just his phrasing, the balls in the groove of everything that that guy fucking does. I am totally obsessed with that band in his, in Vinny Paul's playing right now. So I've been having a good time with that. And my wife was playing some music the other day, some band, I forget the fucking band. I'm the worst. What the hell is it? I'm just trying to calm down because I told my wife to try and help me out here with my fucking anger issues.

All right, what the, okay, I'm gonna look up the band here. It was, this isn't it. Oh, Soul coughing. She started playing a bunch of their stuff. You get the ankles, I'll get the wrists and all that. And I was like, I fucking love this band, man. How did I miss this shit when it first came out? And she goes, yeah, that was the band they played that let the man go through song on the Jordan documentary you're watching. I was like, Oh, is that, is that who did that? Yeah. So I've been trying to listen to some new fucking music or whatever. I, dude, I miss doing stand up like I can't even tell you how bad I miss just going out and making people fucking laugh. It's my sole purpose on the planet. Everything else in life

I've sucked at. And I can't do that. And it's driving me up the fucking wall. I almost wish I could go back in time in my life when I had a day job that I hated. But then I wouldn't be broke. And I'd be wondering where the fuck I was going to be. I was going to be able to pay my rent. So I don't know. But you know what? F1 is back. Formula one racing is back. Somehow I missed the first race trying to avoid CNN and Fox News, which I swear to God, I really think at this point the government needs to intervene and they need to break up both of those channels and they have to go back to regulating media ownership of media because I've really just come down to the fact that I just think that this whole COVID thing is just showing the world how divided, vulnerable,

and weak this nation is right now. The fact that we all can't get on the same fucking page over a goddamn flu or whatever the fuck it is just blows my fucking mind. It's so bad. It is so fucking bad. And all these fucking lefties who think if they vote Donald Trump out that it's going to get better, like Fox News is then not just going to attack Joe Biden, whoever, his entire time in office. I just feel like since Bill Clinton on all we do is just attack our leader, the entire fuck. How can you get anything done? Half the country's flicking the back of your fucking ear for one to two terms. I don't know. Who knows? But F1 racing is back. I missed the first race. I looked at, I actually watched some highlights. I saw what happened.

I was amazed that I saw that Louis Hamilton didn't make it to the podium. And then I watched the highlights and it's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that country move that he does. Oh, I thought I gave him enough room. I didn't know what I was doing. He is a master at driving people off of the fucking track and somehow doing no damage to his car. I think that's one another amazing skill set that that guy has. And all he got was a five second fucking penalty. But I still love the guy and everything, but he's definitely, I don't know, he definitely has like that fucking diva thing where it's just like, there's a set of rules for him and then everybody else. He reminds me a couple of comics I knew coming up, just complete

fucking narcissists. You know, as far as like how he treats his teammate, like he expects his teammate to do shit for him when he needs it, shit that he would never do for Valtteri Bottas ever, ever. I don't like that shit. That's, that's, that's my only knock against that guy, other than he's, other than that, he's fucking amazing. And I feel fortunate that I did get to see him drive live a couple of times because I know someday I'll tell my kids that that guy was the greatest driver of all time. As far as my, you know, at least the era now before I get everybody fucking yelling at me about past drivers that I don't know about admittingly here. But all right, let's talk about the race from today. Actually, it'll be yesterday by the time you hear

this is first of all, how great did the new Mercedes Benz cars look? Race car, whatever the fuck you call it. I mean, if you didn't know shit about F1, like I don't, if you just looked at the cars like, okay, that car is fucking winning. That's it right there. All right. Everybody else looks like they're in the matrix and that thing looks like it's the fucking Illuminati controlling the matrix. And this is all I need to enjoy this shortened season, which I think is an advantage to every other racing team because in a full season, they haven't been able to touch Mercedes is all I need is for for Ferrari to I don't be Ferrari. Like I don't know what the fucking problem is. And I've lost track how many times

the two team, the teammates on Ferrari have taken each other out of the fucking race. I just need them to stop doing that and to be competitive with Mercedes and all I need is Red Bull to give Max Verstappen a competitive car. If I can just see that, then maybe I can see some sort of excitement because I'll tell you, as far as watching the race today, other than the shock of seeing Ferrari slam into each other once again and take each other out of the race, the best part of the race was Max Verstappen trying to hold off Valtteri Bottas. I was off my seat. I was screaming and yelling at the TV, hoping Max Verstappen could hold them off, even though I love both those drivers. You know, it's like that's what what makes racing exciting

is competition and passing and that type of thing. And I don't know what the cars are so fucking big now. I don't know. They either need to make the tracks wider. I don't know what they need to do, but it's just like once Lewis Hamilton is out front, I've been saying this for five years, they don't even show the guy. He's so far out in front and the race is just over. Like the best race, I wish I watched a few weeks ago, the first one, when you come out of the first turn and Lewis isn't in first place. So at least you're going to see some sort of racing where he tries to work his way back up to the front. It's still a great sport and that type of thing, but I just don't understand why Ferrari with all of their money

just can't seem to keep up with Mercedes. I don't know what the hell they're doing, but I don't know. I was probably too hard on Lewis Hamilton early on. I just get frustrated that I just know he's going to win every week and it just gets boring and you just want like somebody to challenge him. It's like fucking watching the Golden State Warriors when they had Kevin Durant, that season he first came there and everybody was just like, well, they're going to win it all. And then they did. It was just fucking boring as hell. Anyways, but I am psyched that it's back and I was actually joking on Bill Burt that I was thinking that maybe it's actually, it's better for the environment that a couple hundred thousand

people don't show up, buy all these t-shirts and take shits and porta-potties that they just fucking stay home. I don't know. I don't miss it. I also watched the UFC and I really enjoyed that fight card and I liked the last fight. A lot of, I know a lot of people didn't. I was just fascinated. That was like watching Belichick taking away, you know, back in the day when we played Peyton Manning and he was part of a three-headed monster and you would just watch Belichick just take it all away and they would go from this fucking just electrifying team to a team that was just shaking their head and not knowing what the fuck was going on. I mean, I know the other dude, I'm not going with the names. I know that that guy's a beast.

He's one of the greatest ever did it and he didn't really have a long training camp or whatever. So I hope that there's going to be a rematch, but like I had no problem with the foot stomping. I was impressed with that tactic and I was even more impressed that the other dude could sit there and have a champion stomping his heel down on his big toe and not even fucking register any sort of pain. He would have stomped on my toe one fucking time. That would have been the end of the fight. That would have been the end of my month. Would have been it over fucking rap, but like I said, I don't know any of the fucking names. I liked watching that rematch of Rose versus that little fire hydrant chick, man. She was amazing. She just does not get marked up

unbelievable chin. That was one of those ones where I thought that there was the right decision was made, but I thought if they fought five rounds, I think the little fire hydrant chick would have won. Sorry. I'm not going to go back and try to remember the fucking names. All right. I'm sorry. And then the other guy, that other fight with the tall lanky guy, he built like Tommy Hitman Hearn somehow five foot 11, but making 145 pound weight of some bullshit, whatever he was doing. That dude got fucking robbed. He got fucking robbed. I don't know what the hell that was about, but every, every, all the other ones I saw, I thought were, I thought they were good. So

thank God for the UFC. Thank God for F1 racing. Thank God baseball is coming back. MotoGP, the best racing that there is starts next week, I believe, right? I'm so fucking excited for this. I need something. MotoGP 2020. Here we go. Yeah. For the first time in my life and a long time in like 20 years, I've been in a consistently like negative mood and I am, I don't know how to get out of this shit. I'm just, you know what I did was I went on and I actually watched a little bit of the news and then I just read some shit that was trending and that's not good for me. All right. So what the fuck? This, this is the 2020 calendar for MotoGP and they're going all the way back to March 8th.

Oh, wait, did they do one race? They actually did a race and I missed it. March 8th. That's right. I missed it. And then March 10th, I did Dean Delray's ACDC show. Then the next day, they just shut everything down. I have a fucking MotoGP race to watch. Where do I watch it? MotoGP.com. All right, July 19th. Next week on a Sunday, they have the one in Spain. Oh, that's going to be great. Oh my God. I can't believe it. Now they're not going to take a break in August, are they? Like they usually do. Oh, look at this. Well, look at this. We're going to get, we got the March 8th race, then they got one, there's three, six, no, three, five, eight, 11. What's 11 and three, 14, 17 races left. That's

fucking amazing. All right, so there's that to look forward to. Anyway, I don't even know what the fuck to talk about anymore. I got a goddamn rat problem. You know, like there's only one. Oh my God, ladies and gentlemen, we got a rat in the house. Where the fuck could it be coming from? Probably underneath the house. Under the house and then somehow, you know, because whoever, somebody's fucking uncle didn't do something right in the 1940s or some shit. I have no idea. I got to figure out where that motherfucker is coming from. I have a nice clean house. What the fuck it was smelling. Was it getting chased by a snake and just kind of accidentally ended up?

Do I have a family of them living under my house? I'm fucking believable. You know, if this, this, a few animals, I have no problem killing and rats are one of them. I don't rats are basically just furry mosquitoes. I mean, there's a zillion fucker mosquitoes. I have no problem killing a fucking mosquito. I would kill a fucking rat. I don't want to make a mess. Oh, Jesus Christ. You know, my wife won't let me have a gun. Won't let me get a gun. You know, I could have taken out a nice fucking 38 fucking special. I know what wallets and I know where I just followed. There was no way. I don't know. I don't know if it, you know, those fucking things could squeeze on a nice shit.

I think it's in a laundry room in the fucking cock. That's right. The fucking cocksuckers who put the goddamn thing in, you know, where the plumbing goes in, there's space. They're supposed to fill that fucking space in. You know, just nothing was done right. I mean, other than the fact that house hasn't falled, it just fell down. I've had to do everything else to this fucking thing. Oh my God. Here we go again. Here we go again. Anyway, I thought that the whole, all that fucking shit with Will Smith and what's her face there, it's just, just fucking amazing. Just watching women making excuses for the check. You know what I mean? And then everybody making fun of the guy, you know, in that situation. It's just so

fucking funny to me. It's like, can you imagine that shit if a guy did that and then you're making excuses for the guy and then you're making fucking memes and humiliating fucking memes of the woman there, whatever her name is, you know, Will Smith's wife. Unbelievable. People are so fucking mean. They're going through a horrible time right now. Can you fucking leave them alone? I was going to say, what's going on in your life that you give a fuck? It's like, nothing, nothing's going on in my life. So I have time to pay attention to that shit. Well, I hope they get through it because they've been together forever and they got a bunch of kids and it's none of your fucking business. Kind of a fucking asshole. I should talk. I'm a fucking

asshole. But I'm just saying, see, two people going through that level of pain, like they're not going through enough level of pain. Now you got to make a little fucking meme to make fun of them. You know, and be like, I'm the guy who created the Will Smith cry in me. But just like, what the fuck? You know, does that person gets canceled? Fuck no. All right. Butcher box, everybody. Oh, my favorite butcher box. You know, when it comes to meat, all I'm thinking right now is that fucking rat. When it comes to meat, quality matters. There's more to it than texture and taste. Butcher box is better for you, better for animals and better for the environment. What's your favorite cut of meat? How do you like to prepare it? What do I like? I like a fucking ribeye.

Favorite cut of meat. I mean, that's like saying, what's your favorite? Your favorite Super Bowl? I mean, all of them. Even the ones my team lost because it made the ones when they won was even better. I like every cut of meat from fucking cube steaks, steaks right up to a fucking, what do they call this, a steamship round? What do they call it when you eat like the whole fucking ass of the cow? What is that thing? It's a giant cut of steam. Wait, steaming the fucking in the wrong things here. Sorry, people. This podcast is going to suck because there's a fucking rat in my house. Steamship round. Yeah, that's it. That's it. That's the Fred Flintstone cut. What is a steamship

round cut? No, no, no. I want images. Images here. There it is. It kills me and get one for 130 bucks. Slow cook that fucking thing is gigantic. That could feed you for fucking three months if you knew how to keep it going. Thought it going bad. Anyway, where am I? Where am I at? What's my favorite cut of meat? All of them. I love it. I'm a carnivore. It can be hard to find 100% grass fed slash finished beef, free range organic chicken, heritage breed pork. Oh, my favorite. Or wild caught salmon at the grocery store. And it can be expensive if you do find it. Luckily, there's butcher box. Dude, out of all the products, this is the one I've really used

and I stand by these guys. Their cuts of meat are great. Butcher box believes everyone deserves high quality humanely sourced meat. Never be without someone to cook for dinner because there's always meat in the, never be without something to cook for dinner because there's always meat in the freezer. One less trip to the grocery store and a better, more affordable selection too. Yeah, and you don't have to put on a mask either. All meat is free of antibiotics and added hormones. Each box has nine to 11 pounds of meat, enough for 24 individual meals, unless you like that fat bastard who doesn't know how to wear a fucking mask. Probably ate it in two sittings. Pack fresh and ship frozen and vacuum sealed so it stays that way. You can customize

your box or go with one of theirs. Either way, you get exactly what you want. Butcher box is the most affordable and convenient way to get healthy, humanely raised meat. With Butcher box, you get the highest quality meat for around just six bucks a meal and they even have free shipping nationwide except for Alaska and Hawaii. So mark a visit to the meat counter off your list and receive quality meats delivered to your door now. Just go to butcherbox.com slash burr. That's butcherbox.com slash burr. Now that's making me wonder how the fuck we got Alaska. Stamps.com everybody, for all our sakes, we need to do our best to avoid crowds anywhere we can right now. But what if you need to go to the post office? Yeah, I need to go to the post office and find one of

those fucking lunatics that works down here to come down and shoot one of these fucking rats. What if you need postage to send out letters and packages? That's why you need stamps.com. Anything you can do at the post office, you can do with stamps.com. Yeah, can I drop the fucking scale on that rat's head? Print postage on demand and skip those lines and crowds at the post office as if that wasn't enough stamps.com also offers UPS services with discounts up to 62% and no UPS residential search charges. You've heard me talk about stamps.com. They've been sponsoring this show for over seven years now. And even if you haven't tried it, what are you waiting for? Whether you're a small business sending invoices and online sellers shipping

out products or some fucking bald redheaded cunt with a ratness house, you can handle it all with these. Simply use your computer to print out official U.S. postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail anywhere you want to send it. Once your mail is ready, just leave your mail carrier. Just leave it for your mail carrier. Schedule is free. Package pickup or drop it in a mailbox. No human contact required. It's that simple. And like I said, with stamps.com, you get great discounts too. Five cents off every first-class stamp and up to 62% off U.S. P.S. United States Postal Service shipping rates. Stamps.com is a no-brainer, especially now, saving you time and money and keeping you safe in these crazy times. All I'm

thinking about is where this fucking rat could have gotten into my house. Right now, my listeners get a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus a free postage and a digital scale that I'm dropping that fucking thing's head without any long-term commitment. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr. That's stamps.com, enter Burr. Stay safe, my friends. I'm already thinking about going to the pet store and buying a boa constrictor and leaving it in my fucking... Or you can just call an exterminator, Bill. Yeah, okay, that's what I'll do. All right, that's what the fuck I'm going to do. I've been watching all these goddamn animal videos. I'm literally down to Leopard vs Cheetah.

I watched a fox kill a cat. I'll tell you something about cats, man. Those things don't give a fuck. They got balls. Most of the foxes realized it wasn't worth it. You know? And everybody's saying a fox looks like a dog, but it has cat quickness. And those things just like... That's not a good death. Getting eaten by a fox, man. Those fucking things are... Yeah, they just, you know, that little fucking needle nose and those goddamn teeth. I've been watching all of that shit. I've been watching... I watched a fucking tiger up in a tree trying to figure out how to kill this monkey. The monkey's all the way on the lights, all the way on the furthest part of the branches where the tiger knows the fucking tree is going

to collapse. And it's just sitting there. And I swear to God, it can smell the tiger's breath. And the breath, the tiger knows if it moves any further, the thing's gonna snap. You know, I think it weighs like 600 pounds. And this fucking thing kept inching its way out. And finally, I don't know, it just fell out of the tree and the monkey ran back up the tree. And then the tiger just sat down there with this look on its face like, ah, shit, what are you gonna do? The fuck are you gonna do? I didn't know that many things fucked with monkeys. Leopards kill monkeys. Lions kill monkeys. These are all the things I've seen kill monkeys. Leopards, lions, people.

I saw a tiger try to do it. So if he tried, that means they do it. Not that there was any evidence of it, you know, other than it tried. What else have I seen? Alligators, crocodiles, when they, you know, during the dry season. I always root against them too. I fucking hate them. Not hate them enough to ever do anything. I like gorillas. I like orangutans and shit like that. I don't like monkeys. I don't like those fucking bastards. And I don't like chimpanzees. I just don't like them. You know, I just, I just don't, they, I don't like any animal that fucking eats another animal alive.

I get it. You're a fucking dope. But if you're a man, if you're a mammal, you should have the fucking decency to just kill the thing first. You know, I don't like those little wild dogs. They do the same thing. You know, this is, you know, some, I really, this, it, it, it fucks with your head to watch those videos. I gotta stop watching them. It's fucking hilarious. I quit watching porn. And now I'm watching animals kill each other. I mean, what is wrong with me? You know, I'll tell you right now, I would love to have a pack of wild dogs right now, fucking under my house ripping that rat apart. As long as they agreed to leave afterwards.

You know, I think we can work it out. Get a document together. Everybody could be happy with. All right. New segment recommendation from somebody. Hey, Billy Bojangles, I'd like to recommend a new writing segment. After every Thursday afternoon podcast, Thamelis plays a podcast from the same day back in 2012. During those podcasts, we hear from people who asked for your advice with their relationship or confrontations with neighbors. Now that it's 2020, I would expect that those issues to be fully resolved. And I would love to hear from those same people again, regarding how everything turned out. That's a good idea, but it's also, they got to be listening. Granted, that's putting a lot of faith and hope that

they're still listening to your podcast. He just said, I'm still, I'm saying this because I'm going through a difficult breakup right now and would love to get some perspective from people who are eight years out from theirs and hear how their issues ended up working out might make for some good stories. Yeah, just hanging there, man. You're going to be fine. You're going to be fine and you're going to find the right person. And then one day, you know, you're going to, when you find the right person, you just look back at the other person and like, how the fuck did I even, you know, you don't even think about them. And when you know, you truly passed them when you wish them no ill will, you know, one of my first girlfriends, I remember she fucking cheated on me and all of

this fucking shit, just really just ruined my whole fucking perspective on the whole romance thing. I was just like, this is what this is. Fuck this shit. And you know, good 15 years of standup comedy, I was able to work my way out of it. No, dude, you'll be fine. You're not a psycho like me. I imagine you'll be fine. You just got to understand that going through a breakup is painful. And you got to go through it. There's no shortcuts. That's it. But I do know women get through them quicker because they emote and they cry. So I don't know who you can talk to to do that. But maybe, you know what, for guys, because we're not allowed to cry, maybe you could take like an old volleyball like Tom

Hanks in that fucking Island movie, you know, have you can just cry to Wilson. Well said. Banks and Islam. Oh, this is interesting. I have no idea how the banks work. Okay, hi. Hi, Bill. I've been listening to the MM podcast for a long time and always enjoy your rants on the banking system since I totally agree with you. I always thought that Islamic banking was a more fair system, but I am certainly biased since I am Muslim. Well, tell me how it works. He goes, however, I will try to explain it to you in my limited English so you can make your own opinion or write your crush in your English. You know, I don't know if you used an app and it just translated it, but if this is your English,

it's pretty amazing. In Islam, it is basically forbidden to generate wealth by accumulating wealth. Okay, you already lost me. What is it? You can't generate wealth by accumulating wealth. I don't even know meaning. Okay, just read it, Bill. He'll explain meaning that interests on money or anything are illegal. So you have no interest. So for people to borrow money and have a reward for the bank who lends money, they have to share the risks and the profits. For example, if you want to open a business and need 1200 bucks, the bank will lend you the money, but they will have a share in your business like 50-50. This sounds like you went to the mob. 50-50 in profits? What? But when you make your monthly payments to pay your debt to the bank,

is that just through the life of the loan or for the rest of your business? But when you make your monthly payments to pay your debt to the bank, you pay $100 a month and no interest. The bank gets 50% of your profits on that month, but only if you made some money. The downside is that the bank owns half of your business, but you can buy those 50% back little by little. Come on, man, this is six or one half dozen of the other. They're still bleeding you dry. They're not. In that example, if your business is valued at 2000, you can pay $110 a month to the bank, and those $10 will buy 1% of the bank's share, plus next month, you can only give them 49% of the profits. Dude, they're still fucking you.

They're still fucking you over. In the case of the business failing, unless I'm too stupid to understand it, which is always on the table here. In the case of the business failing after, let's say, six months, the bank loses $600, and you lose six months of time and effort. I hope it makes some sense to you. Love your comedy and podcasts. I think that's French for go fuck yourself. I'm probably. PS, if you want to read more about this, there is a great example on the Islamic banking and finance Wikipedia page. Yeah, dude, because that just sounded like, yeah, we won't charge you interest,

but we own half your business forever, even after I pay the fucking thing back. It's kind of, isn't that a, it's just, you're just not calling an interest. All right. And aren't they accumulating wealth by taking half of my fucking profits and then also making me owe them that money twice as long? Oh, Bill, you could look it all up. All right, Islamic banking and financing, Wikipedia. All right, here we go. Islamic, Islamic banking and financing. I can tell you, it can't be any worse than the fucking shit they're doing over here. Wikipedia. All right, here we go. What do we got here? Islamic banking and financing.

Wikipedia. Oh my God, look how fucking long this is. I'm not reading all of this. All right, dude, I'm going to take your word for it. Sorry, it's late at night. I'll read up on it. I do find it fascinating, like a different way of doing it, but generally speaking, wherever you are, and if there's a bank, I wouldn't trust them. I wouldn't think no pun intended, they have your best interests. Interest. Chicken intelligent continue. Intelligence continue. This is so fascinating to me. Chickens can count up to 10, which is what I said. That's why you should have at least 11 chickens. So if you want to kill one

and eat it, they won't fucking notice. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. How many do we have? We had at least 10. I know we had at least 10. All right. Hey, Bill, I listened to your podcast at the Troubadour and I gladly gave them a donation. Thank you so much for doing that. And yes, the sound could have been better, but you know that. All right, you read my email about chickens. Coincidentally, you read it on my birthday. Well, there you go. And you complain that I left out all the gory edgene details of chicken cannibalism. Usually people don't like hearing that stuff, but I forgot that you were enjoying watching videos of animals killing each other. I found it more fascinating. But I can watch them kill it. I can't watch them

hold it down and start eating. I can't do that. All right. So this sort of thing is right up your alley. Here we go. When chickens see a wounded chicken, their instinct is to peck the chicken to death and eat it. Maybe that instinct helped them against predators long ago somehow, but it is a nuisance now. Chickens are often injured by being pecked at by other chickens that are stressed and an amazing list of things can stress them and trigger an orgy of cannibalism. Too lean of a diet, too rich of a diet, not enough fiber in the diet, changing the model of their feeder, moving them to another pen, too much sunlight. Jesus Christ, these things are temperamental. Putting different colored chickens in the same pen and they're racist.

They get curious and start pecking at each other, adding new chickens in an occupied pen, which confuses the pecking order boredom, accidentally leaving any cannibalized chicken remains in a pen. They are especially set off by any site of blood with laying hens. Sometimes there is a trace of blood when they lay eggs and there is a chance that other hens will peck the new mother to death and eat her instead of giving her a proper baby shower. What the fuck? One way to stop the blood fury in chickens is to use a special red light bulb in the pen, which makes them unable to see the color of blood. Does that work with serial killers, like if they work in one of those little photo mats, developing photos, do they stop

having the urge to kill people? My grandfather would often put a red tinted cellophane cover on the main window that had the same effect and that would calm them down. Also, if a chicken is wounded, there are wound paints that can be used to hide the blood and they also are designed to taste terrible to help stop the pecking. Another option that my grandfather used was to try and spot the most aggressive chickens and make a chicken dinner out of them. There is also a problem with laying hens when they start somehow discovering that eggs are delicious and start eating them. When the ruined eggs are discovered, the offending chicken has to be quickly caught and killed. Another chicken dinner before the other hens become curious and start copying her behavior.

Again, no one should feel any guilt about eating chickens since they too enjoy eating chickens. Still in the sticks, go fuck yourself. Hey, they never tell you this shit. All these people who want to have chickens and shit in their backyard so they can get organic eggs, they don't realize that they're going to have all right chicken cannibalism cannibalism videos do i do it cannibal chickens how to stop cannibalism and chickens cannibalism or aggressive pecking oh my god here's a minute 40 video hi this is marjorie wildcraft and on this edition of homesteading basics we're gonna go to the really dark and gruesome side and talk about our chickens cannibals this is not the right music our chickens cannibal

all right marjorie wildcat if you don't show me a pen a fucking chicken pecking another one shut up just shut up marjorie you're talking too much here we go oh my god 55 seconds in oh my god what the fuck dude this i want to assure you that these chickens were not under that chicken was not under any duress at all there was plenty of grain plenty of water plenty of forage they are doing this by choice they really see this as a high quality protein source and um that is just the reality of life on the homestead dude god bless farmers i swear to god the shit that they see so we don't have to

fucking see it now with youtube i just saw it you know they bring food to your fucking table and all of that shit and god bless him god bless him what the fuck did i just watch they just did wow it looked like pulled pork they pecked this thing so bad all right can't keep up with husband's libido hi bill i hope you're doing well i love the podcast you're working your commitment to calling out today's bullshit i can't get enough well thank you uh anyway or at least calling out what i consider to be bullshit um not saying it's actually bullshit uh anyway i'm recently married i'm a recently married lady oh by the way that wasn't bullshit that i want to talk about uh fellow comics um when a comedian is involved in a

controversy that could possibly end their career unless you have any information to add to it you should probably stay out of it like to literally recently i saw this like all of a sudden other comedians feelings about the person's act or whatever which has nothing to do with what they're debating it's just just you know speaking of chicken cannibalism comedians should like there's enough people trashing comedians right now you don't need to pile on i was really surprised with that these past couple of weeks seeing the amount of fucking comedians that were just fucking ah this dude's a hack anyway and blah blah blah it's like what the fuck does that have to do so what it's not what we're talking about

here this is serious fucking accusations and somebody's career is in the balance who gives a fuck what you think about their act jesus christ people it's can we come together somewhere anywhere on any level in any point in this country anyways all right can't keep up with husband's libido uh anyway i'm recently married i'm a recently married lady in a peculiar situation i would really love your advice to pre to preface let me say that my husband is the love of my life i adore him and would never consider being with anyone else as i grow old and see now that being said he's insatiable when it comes to sex i like intimacy just as the next gal but i simply can't keep up uh i'm more of a three times a week kind of girl do that's plenty but he needs it every

fucking day uh now i wouldn't be asking for your help if the answer was as simple as rubbing one out the problem is that the relief is entirely different between himself and the real deal i know he isn't just making stuff up to get some so please bear with me when he gets horny i'm like this is just so out of my wheelhouse here when he gets horny which is every morning if i'm not in the mood he'll take care of himself to start the day that being said he'll remain in a bizarre state of numbness just being morose in general i'll get the fuck out of here he's pouting he's giving you the old pussypout no pussypout i don't buy it he'll try to hide his darker dispositions but i just sense that he isn't himself out of guilt i'll offer to blow him

but it gets very psychologically draining when you aren't in the right mental space for it yeah absolutely oh afterwards at least i feel like i get my husband back mood-wise uh the libido mismatch doesn't only stop at his relief it also affects the general dynamic in the house i can't wear skimpy clothes or god forbid i want to walk around naked as i'll be relentlessly groped caress kissed and so on jesus christ it's like you married a fucking saint bernard in the spring there i love the attention of course but it can interfere with the course what the fuck now you're saying you love the attention i don't know what to do here but it can interfere with the course of the day quite a bit i don't really know what to think

of it since i'm quite average looking so i think it's just his natural disposition all right that's called low self-esteem sweetheart uh we started weight training too and now that he is fit i just can't tire him out when we do have sex well you need to start wearing a ski parker and start making him some pies other than that i don't want to fuck the i don't this is i don't this is above my pay grade ultimately i just feel inadequate as a wife i wish it was just as simple as having sex with him every day twice if i could do it i would i just can't get myself to have sex that often without causing mental strain for myself i know it may sound weird to a guy no it doesn't it's just how i

and many other female friend friends seem to be wired so here goes what should i do is there anything that can be done to better the situation i want i don't want to lose him nor do i want to trap him in an unfulfilling marriage please help can i ask you a question is he even as remotely concerned about your needs as you are about his fuck this pouting fucking asshole how many fucking times you gotta bang the guy i think what you have to do is he's just gonna have to realize that that you you know just say listen here's the deal i'll bang you three times a week okay which is about two and a half more times than most of broads out there okay that's it that's my final offer final answer

i'm not phoning a friend that's it i'm banging you three times a fucking week that's what i can handle i love you you're the love of my life but i can only fuck three times a week okay so you're gonna have to figure out you know how to take that sour puss lack of pussy look off your fucking face because i've had it all right in more ways than one sweetheart you are bending over backwards for this guy this guy can go fuck himself all right i don't want to tell you i don't know if he needs to go get some professional help you know did you marry a fucking 16 year old the fuck is with this guy um i don't know tell him to go fucking jerk off i have no idea i did that was just my gut that's what my gut says i have no idea i would i would go seek professional help on that one but uh have

you can well i mean i'm being a little hard on him no pun intended oh Jesus all kinds of innuendo here uh have you told him how this makes you feel you know is there anything worse than seeing a grown man pouting jesus christ grow some fucking balls you pussy uh girlfriend's mother is also our landlord all right well this relationship's over hey billy real estate i've been with my girl now for about a year and a half and we moved in together about six months ago okay before i read any further did you already know that your landlord was going to be her mother uh when searching for rental properties her mother mentioned she planned to move out of this out of the city but didn't want to sell her home for whatever reason she offered up the idea that we rented from her oof no lease

pet friendly etc i thought sweet yeah you know they say when something seems too good to be true it usually is anyway we decided to move in i thought having her mother as a landlord would prove to be beneficial and cheaper all capital letters wrong the estimated rent on the house is lower than what we actually pay by a couple hundred dollars her reasoning for that is unexpected maintenance wait the unate the estimated rent on the house is lower than what we would actually pay so she is giving you a break did you write that correctly am i reading this wrong her reasoning is that her reasoning for that is unexpected maintenance i learned soon after that the rent she is charging us is actually the amount of her mortgage her mortgages every month can't even cut your own

daughter a break well she is she she fucking let you guys go in there without first and last is she supposed to take a loss on it if she rented it to someone else she probably would have rented a little more than the the mortgage uh she's just breaking even although she is you know building equity in the house she is also completely scattered brain and there's no way to fit no is in no way fit to be a landlord her mom agreed to pay the water slash trash for us since it's next to nothing one day my girl calls me and says the water may be getting shut off because there was a mistake at the water department bull shit i thought the water company has been doing this shit forever there's no billing error without either of these dumb broads knowledge

i called the water to you're already out of this relationship you're calling uh the mother your girlfriend a dumb broad and your girlfriend a dumb broad so i'm just going to enjoy the rest of this story i know this relationship's over without either of these dumb broads knowledge i called the water department myself and learned that she hadn't played the bill in over five months then proceeded to lie about it great i have also become the handyman around the house which is fine but half the time the expenses are expected to come out of my pocket and i'm always made out to be the dick for speaking up since this is my girl's mom um dude you should take all of this as a learning experience

i've started to refuse to fix anything which has resulted in windows that don't lock doors that don't knobs that don't turn and a deck that is one soft blow away from toppling over she's known about these problems for months now i love my girl and we have a good time together but i am starting to think i need to remove myself from this situation what do you think i thought that from the second i fucking read the first sentence and then it was solidified when you called your girlfriend and your girlfriend's mom dumb broads uh this is past the point of being able to be fixed uh her mom is a real estate agent and i would i wouldn't even consider buying a dollhouse from her yeah dude you're out you don't want to you don't want to breed with this family

you're not going to marry this woman you're done you're out the decisions already been made maybe you just needed to hear it from a complete stranger congratulations sir you know what you want to do now here's what you have to do okay you don't want to break up and then go look for a place okay what you want to do is find a place get your first and last in there okay you want to do that you take a day off from fucking work when your girlfriend's at work all right and you pack like a fucking lunatic that realizes the feds are gonna be there in 20 minutes and you're looking at life in prison you pack all your shit up maybe with the buddy of yours i guess you don't have to call in sick because you're fucking i don't know pandemic some people

are working you get all your shit the fuck out of there you put it in your new place then you sit it down you say listen we need to talk she says where's all your stuff you say that's what we need to talk about i don't want to go out with you anymore yeah it's not me it's you it's not me it's not you it's your mother and it is you uh you're both a couple of dumb brats don't say that just say yeah that's what i want to talk about i i don't want to do this anymore i'm not in love with you anymore uh i hate my life here i don't like this you're a sweetheart you deserve to find love okay and then that's it so you're leaving yes i am leaving and then you fucking leave and then that's it and then it's over then it's over you get the fuck out of there okay when

breaking up with the woman you need to get the fuck out of there you need to get the fuck away from them okay because they're going to make you break up with them 58 fucking times they're going to go through all the fucking emotion and then right as you're starting to get your shit together they're going to call you up and mind fucking and send you back to square one again and they're not going to leave you alone until they feel like they've inflicted enough pain on you for you breaking up with them that they not only they did they get even they got a little better on you that's what the fuck's going to happen so get the fuck out of that situation that's it okay that is it and that is the podcast i have a rat i have to go fucking kill or at least i'm going to put a contract

out on its head um go fuck yourselves uh don't go fuck yourselves you know what that's divisive divisive divisive divisive i think let's people let's try to all get the same page comedians please don't attack each other on the internet when you're commenting on a situation where you weren't even there and you don't know anybody involved please don't do that people please stop watching fox news please stop watching cnn please stop attacking fellow americans okay just wear a fucking mask it seems to be working for every other fucking country out there i think they're all human beings too i think they have the same respiratory situation uh you know systems we could do that or we could just scream and yell at each other and attack donald trump

and if he gets reattacked we'd like to keep attacking him or you give joe biden and then just fucking attack him for four fucking years and see what that does for us all right that's it i want to read about islamic banking that's what i'm gonna do all right god bless all of you and the united states of america wherever the fuck you live okay bye