Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-14-14

Episode Date: July 14, 2014

Bill rambles about Cleveland, World Cup Soccer and leaving the Gaza Strip.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members get a children's menu free at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Ikea. I can't wait for the winner.

I like the winner. I enjoy it. I'm a pasty fuck. The summer offers nothing for me. Either I'm outside with that look on my face, that little emoy joy, whatever the fuck you call it,

with that look on his face, that face. What is it called? The emoji. That's the look I have on my fucking face when I walk around between May and August. And, you know,

I'm telling you right now, all those theories about what's going to kill off redheads, recessive genes, it's going to be global warming. That's what it's going to be. Because I got to tell you, if these summers get any harder, right? I'm in New York City right now.

I got a benefit tonight and tomorrow out in Brooklyn. And, you know, it's a benefit, that type of shit. I'm going to be doing that out there. I don't know what it is. All right, I fucking just woke up and I got to knock this thing out because I got shit to do today.

And, I got to tell you, I haven't been here in New York in a while and it's been, it's definitely been cool to be back here. But I got to tell you, this city just beats the shit out of you. I was returning this rental car this morning. You know, literally,

it was like fucking nine streets up and two blocks over. That took me a good 40 minutes trying to find a gas station, right? I said to the lady in my phone, you know, where's the gas station? She's like, there's a gas station right down the street. Right?

So, I follow her. I go all the way down there and there's a fucking, you know, I don't know, I don't know what they're doing. They're scrubbing out the gas tanks. So, that thing screwed. So, then I asked the lady again. She's like, there's over 15 right near you. So, I start.

I drive to that one. That one takes me like another 15 minutes to get to. I get to that one. It's got a fence around it. And, oh, it was red face going through the roof of this rental car. I did not handle it like an adult whatsoever. I just, God, suck it, mother fuck it. Acting like a big baby.

Big stoop. Like, if they had like adult-sized pacifiers, somebody should have just shoved one right in my mouth, slapped me on my fucking hand and said, hey, cool it. You know, like my dad used to. Right? No pacifier. He always said, cool it.

Or he snapped really loud. Just like that. We all just stopped worrying that he's going to kick the shit out of us. And he never did. Never laid a hand on us. But how loud his snap was, you could only imagine his fucking fist. So, you shut up. You shut the fuck up.

Because back in the day, when you could discipline kids, right, you could beat the shit out of them right in public and people would walk by. That would be it. So, your father's threats were actually something serious. I'll tell you, this whole generation of kids, they're wide open for a fucking ass-kicking the way they walk down the street with their faces

in the phone. You could uppercut them right through their phone, right into their face. It would be lovely. And I think it would do this generation. They could do them a bit of good. Because I'm a crabby old guy and I like the way things used to be. Anyways,

so I'm walking down the street out here in New York and the amount of people of all ages just muttering to themselves. How am I going to make my rent? My fucking roommate moved out. I don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Do I got HPV?

I don't know what they're bitching about and I don't know if they're more crazier than other cities because I think what it is in this city you can't hide in your fucking car. Out in L.A. I can fucking be talking to them. I'm running my goddamn yap

and somebody pulls up next to me and looks over at me and I can seamlessly go from my own psycho chatter with myself to pretending I'm singing with the radio. Just singing to the radio that isn't on. That fucking stupid journey song has been in my head for three days and I hope it's now in yours

because I'm taking all you fuckers down with me. And the sun goes somewhere with the band. I've heard this song like a thousand times but I don't know the lyrics because

it fucking sucks. How many of those bands are there out there? Where you're like a radio fan like you know all the lyrics like say Billy Joel. I don't own one album but that bug-eyed psycho. Nia you're giving me lots of laughs today

cracking up. Yeah. Do you know I couldn't stand him back in the day Nia when he did that stupid the Uptown Girls song making it seem like he was this badass from the wrong side of the tracks. Remember that?

Like what is she doing with me? Oh I'm a badass little bug-eyed Jewish kid playing a piano. Keep him away from my children. And I was like why is he acting like he's this maniac and then 40 years later he's getting hammered driving his car

through the front of people's houses and I was like you know what? I owe Billy Joel an apology. I owe an apology not only was 100% wrong I want to drink with that maniac. How much fun would he be to drink with? He could talk about what it was like to bang a supermodel

and sit down and start playing some tunes. He's got all those songs in 3-4 time which are great to sing when you're drunk. And we all go down together. Except for Piano Man, that song. I never liked that song. The way people sway back and forth.

And I said man what are you doing here? Oh shut up. It's like if Anthony Bourdain played the piano. You know he's always trying to make his fucking going out to get a hot dog so fucking artsy and what's going on?

What's going on with society? It's like just shove whatever you're talking about in your face and let me know if it's good. Alright Antony? What are you doing there Antony? So anyways yeah so I'm here in New York

at the bit. I've wanted to do stand up the last couple of nights but my wife won't let me. That is not true. She says hey you're going to go out and you're going to buy me some shoes buddy. We haven't been into one single store so fuck you. What are you talking about? No.

I've just been a little bit lazy. I've been waking up every morning and I've been walking down the street. I've been going over the Brooklyn Bridge every single day. That's been my workout. Scaffolding I go and I conk out at four

and then I fucking drop to the fucking ground and I turn around there's some cab driver laughing at me with his yellow stained white button down shirt that he's probably been wearing for the last 15 hours of his shift looking at me like gee I would love to do some pull ups on scaffolding other than

instead of climbing up there and actually working on it. We're talking about white privilege here today on the podcast everybody. Where one person sees slave labor I see a gym. I see a free gym. Isn't that terrible? He is just shaking her head.

I thought you were getting out of here. I don't like your stylish running shoes. Why did you buy them because of the orange shoe laces? I like what that says about me. You know what? I'm not going to. Yeah you are. You look cute today.

Yeah? See how I did that? I insulted the shit out of everybody and you end with something nice and then there you go. Please try not to drop things. Alright what are we going to talk about this this week? Alright

let's get it over with. Shut up. Let's get this over with. LeBron James went back to Cleveland. I'll tell you right now I don't think I've ever been so fucking disappointed in a city. You know

like do you remember when LeBron left you the first time? Do you remember how devastated you were? Do you remember how you cried and you threw all this LeBron shit out in your front lawn and you lit it on fire like some chick that had been cheated on? Do you remember that shit?

Of course you do. It was only four years ago and I didn't judge you. There's no way that you knew what he was but now you know and what did you do? You let him back in. You got back into this relationship with him

like Pamela Anderson back in the day getting back with Tommy Lee right? Like he wasn't going to be like that wasn't going to fucking happen again. Ah Jesus Christ fucking Cleveland do you really think that this guy is going to stick around?

How long do you think he's going to be there before you realize that he's in Cleveland again or are you going to start checking out some of the other hot chicks around the league? Maybe Chicago. What about LA? Are they done?

Have they hoarded themselves out enough that their franchise is just hanging down their ankles that nobody wants to go out there anymore? I don't know. Hey Bill what are you coming down on Cleveland for? We haven't won a championship forever.

Fuck you Cleveland you bunch of fucking babies Jesus fucking Christ who's been giving you shit? Nobody. Nobody chanced the fucking year 1948 nobody does

you don't have any curse you don't have anything All you had to do was build art a fucking stadium but you wouldn't do it you wouldn't build a football stadium but you built a fucking rock and roll hall of fame

so they could hang Britney Spears jumpsuit next to Mick Jaggers these are your priorities and as a sports fan I'm supposed to feel bad for you my heart's supposed to warm when this guy who cheated on you with the Miami Heat went down there

and he got the fucking professional herpes right now he's coming back to give it to you when you're dropping to your fucking knees taking your fucking burned up LeBron Jersey out of your little waste paper basket whatever the fuck you have next to your desk I'm fucking with you guys

hey I'm happy for you he came back I hope you guys win a championship as long as the Lakers don't win I'm happy I'm excited because I don't like how you know I've talked about it before while they claim one more championship than they should who's getting who I know they're passing the Celtics

nobody wants to come play for the Celtics it's fucking it kills me you know part of it isn't our problem it's the weather look at the NBA what is it like 91% african-american

ok so it usually comes down to where you want to play so let's say the Celtics are bidding on the same free agent as the Lakers right so these are the options I think I've said this before you want to come to Boston where it's cold and the racism

is off the charts or would you like to play in LA where it's warm this celebrity asked to bang and the racism is off the charts either way

you're not going to like the police force you know but the weather's nice we can't compete with that I'm just fucking over I'm just fucking with you Cleveland guys and by the way I'm sick of every fucking thing being described as a rant

do you know last week I was just talking about the DJ scene in Vegas just talking about it but the thing now is if you talk about something for like more than like two minutes all of a sudden it's called a rant like to me

isn't rant like short for ranting and raving so I should have been like you guys I mean that is ranting you just fucking talking about something I've never looked the word up but ranting and also heckling

those are the two things that drive me nuts when they say the comedian heckled the crowd the comedian cannot heckle the crowd the crowd is not giving a performance that can be interrupted do you understand that Jesus

anyways so what else anyways he's back LeBron James is back in Cleveland you know what's funny I thought was hilarious was in Miami they had a picture of the big three

and somebody like spray painted over LeBron's face it's like oh fuck yourself you know what I mean he was never yours how did you get the guy I hate when fans do that it was like when Celtics fans were mad when Ray Allen went down to the fucking heat

it's like he wasn't ours he wasn't ours alright he came in he came we got him off the meat market you can't expect the guy not to do that again the guy is the supersonic okay who's closing out

his career with the Celtics in the heat if he hasn't already retired you can't get mad about that alright what the fuck kind of heat fan fucking paints over LeBron's face the guy brought you to the finals four years in a row and you won two championships

what's the problem I could see if Dwayne Wade left why am I talking about this sport I know nothing about it's to fucking annoy you guys how about that alright the world United States rejoices as the world cup

ends Jesus Christ somebody finally got a real injury that guy in Brazil actually broke a vertebrae that's always terrifying thank God he's alright as far as broken vertebraes go

at least there was no nerve damage as far as I know so that's a good thing and how about the Krauts man how about the Germans not fucking around what they did to Brazil that was unbelievable that was a football game that would have been like

well I have no fucking idea what about it it would have been 70, 77, 80 Foa, 13 they'd be like scoring 13 fucking touchdowns that was the game you know what kills me is I missed that game I actually I taped it

I'm on the road right now as I mentioned I'm going to watch it when I get back because that is the soccer game every person in the United States has wanted to see forever to have one team score seven goals and one of them scored seven combined for a four to three game

for the love of fucking Christ you know I'm fucking with you guys actually I watched the final I watched it at Paul Versey's house we had a great time and he was laughing he was going dude

soccer is the shit and we were talking about this stuff I swear to God we fucked up so bad watching that game so people in Europe and all around the world could enjoy how fucking ignorant we are of the goddamn sport

just classic lines like dude do you understand like how much the world cares about this we even recognized how fucking stupid we sounded but I got to get this clip if anybody can find it at the end of the game

when Germany won and unfortunately Argentina lost my condolences out to them I actually like both countries you know what I mean and I think they kind of like each other you know if you know what I mean for those of you who read about the fallout after World War II

at the end of the game when they were going through the crowd and they were showing the German fans you know freaking out is there anything scarier than a fucking angry German fan when they showed the Argentinians whatever the fuck you call them

they cut to this guy and I swear to God remember that joke that me and Verzi were doing we pretended like we were crying like you know I'm having such a good time in New York like that there was a guy in the crowd he literally looked like that's how he was crying

he was in his 50s he had one of those hats on you know from back in the 50s and 60s when married guys would join a men's club they had to get away from their wives I was kidding who they wanted to get blown on all-weather carpet

some sort of one floor ranch building down the street and they put that little hat on with the tassel on the side he was wearing one of those and they cut to him and he was fucking blubbering I've never seen it they were sitting there they cut to him

and I'm not even joking like what I just did you could sync that audio right up to what the fuck he's doing literally like that I gotta get into this fucking sport I don't understand I lived through the 78 Red Sox I lived through the fucking

85 bears crushing my patriots the 86 Red Sox Mets Jesus Christ I don't even fuck all of Canadians when we can never beat the fucking Canadians all of those heartbreaking games the Aaron Boone game all of that I never at the end of any of those losses went

I mean what the fuck Jesus Christ what point are you like I'm taking this too seriously he had just he was hopeless this fucking guy it was like it was like he just built his own house by hand he had escaped some country

and he built a house by hand and he had to go back and get his family finally got him and he goes this is the house that I built for you and then the whole fucking thing just collapsed then I can understand standing there being like I can understand that

you just watch the fucking sport where you can't even use your hands and he was sitting there hands down by his sides that poor bastard that would have been the most uncomfortable feeling ever to give him to give him another man a hug like that when they're crying like that

to just feel them collapse into you over a soccer game I know it was the championship of the world I get it all right I understand so anyways congratulations

to the Germans I mean they clearly were the best team and I can say that with confidence because I watched about you know collectively maybe about three hours of the World Cup I don't know seemed like a good fucking game all right there you go

that's the end of my riveting World Cup oh by the way my apologies to Algeria for calling you Albania all last week I hope I didn't fuck it up again whatever just know that I bet on you okay does that count as an apology

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promo code bill one more time e-voice.com promo code bill back to the podcast here so what's going on with me oh you know what's funny I've been talking to you guys

for the last year and a half about the water damage on my house so to get you updated in case you give a fuck my house is 91 years old and what I quickly learned because we were just going to fix the three little shitshack rooms do it yourself

hunk of crap that was underneath my wife's office you know that's all we were going to fix but what happens is is when you have a house as old as mine and everybody who lived in it before you didn't do a fucking thing to it other than just maintain it

when you go into the walls it's a shit show alright and what started off is just what I was going to do basically my house was initially just a ranch it was just a one floor thing

and then downstairs there was like a porch and throughout the years they added they dug into the hill I guess and they added this ground floor and it never really made sense it seemed like an apartment downstairs and the house upstairs there wasn't any flow so

anyway so downstairs and then it was like this going into the hill off of the main room downstairs you'd walk up two stairs open a door and then you had this walk-in closet to the left if you kept going straight there was another stair and then there was another little room

and somebody at some point was developing pictures back when people used film and shit it was really creepy looking you know that big tub where you fucking would throw the undeveloped pictures in looked like you know

something out of that serial killer show on showtime Dexter you know and then you went up one more step and it was an unfinished area where you could use for storage so all of that got all wet or whatever so they took all of that shit out and then dug out all the dirt

and made it level with the floor and I'm adding a real fucking bathroom down there and then a nice walk-in closet that's all I wanted to do everybody that's it I got my hands up you know like when they call a file and you act like you didn't do it I didn't touch them I didn't touch them so they go under the walls

and it is such an absolute shit show down there you know it's turned into an entire remodel of the downstairs and all the way through I have to get all the plumbing and all the electrical

fixed on my house because the walls and ceilings are open down there you might as well get it done I have all fucking galvanized pipe okay an unknown Buster Keaton probably hauled the shit in while he was struggling

in Hollywood you know when this house was initially built and uh oh yeah the fucking electrical Jesus Christ I already had a guy one time downstairs working on some electrical shit and I was upstairs

watching TV or something and I had the TV off I think I was in the TV room and I heard this guy downstairs and like three times when he was down there trying to figure out why this switch these two why the outlet and the light were on the same switch or something

like three times I heard him downstairs in the crawl space underneath where I was at I was just here what the fuck so it is a mess everybody and what was going to be this simple little project

is now turned into an entire just fucking remodel but I'm actually I've accepted it you know it's basically going to be like say you bought an old car and you just did a body

off restoration so on top you have the old car but underneath you got a not even a restoration at this point it's going to be brand new shit so it's like you just went out you bought state of the art chassis, suspension and all of that shit so I don't know

I gotta redo all the pipes in the electric and then I eliminate the two major things you don't want okay water flooding and a fire so I can leave town and not worry about that shit and then all I gotta worry about is the

earthquakes, mudslides and fires in general out there right other than that I think I'm all set so I'm hoping the whole fucking thing is going to be done by the end of this um

so what I'm really trying to say is Billy Boy's got a lot of road dates coming up you motherfucker you know it's always something I paid off the fucking thing right that's what I did that's what I did everything I've made I just throw it at my fucking house because I know how this business

ends the entertainment business does not end nicely okay it ends with you sitting there with your hat and your hand going what do you mean there's nothing out there for me you know I'm not gonna be I'm gonna be that guy everybody's that guy but

at the very least wherever I live is gonna be fucking paid for so I paid the fucking thing off thinking I'm sitting pretty yeah throwing a bathroom who gives a fuck and now it's just become I feel like I'm gonna buy the whole house all over again you know

it's an investment buy a house and it's a fucking investment I don't I'm letting it go I'm letting it go I'm letting it go it's gonna be beautiful when it's done you know who's gonna make out on this whoever I fucking sell it to because that doesn't add value to your house

nobody gives a shit oh should you see these copper pipes that are inside the walls no one gives a fight gives a fuck about that you know buys the house the fucking lady that's what it really comes down to unless you're a single guy you're with your gay buddy right

you come walking in you know when you look out the back yard you try to see like you know what kind of pool party you can have or whatever the fuck it is they look for you know I don't pretend to understand I don't pretend to speak for other groups although I do it all the time I guess women like

they come in oh my god look at this kitchen I love how they love kitchens but then if you ask them to make a fucking sandwich for you they flip out it's like I thought you liked the kitchen well I liked it to look at it bitch get out there and fucking put something between two slices of bread now

or I swear to god I'm gonna lock you out on the porch you wouldn't dare I would I would and you don't know any UFC shit so I could pick you up right now and put you out there and there's nothing you could do yes there is you could scream rape you know and that ends all the fun doesn't it

don't you hate when that happens so anyways that's what's going on in my fucking world uh oh by the way I've been getting a ton of shit on Twitter because of me talking about eating right and exercising I love how people call

salads like rabbit food or they do that dumb shit cheese, croutons and salad dressing you might as well have a burger at that point you know it's like first of all who doesn't know that and then secondly

it's still not as bad as eating a fucking burger you asshole okay I don't give a shit how much salad dressing you put on lettuce it's not gonna lead to fucking heart disease alright like a delicious juicy goddamn burger will alright you know you can't fucking

help people I'm an old fuck people I'm 46 years old and I am I'm in the best shape I've been in a long time eating that way I just go with the balsamic your fucking negative cunts some of you some of you enjoy the clean wah salad recipes

they're great shovel it down your pie hole it will fill you up stay away from the clown food and the fucking and the meats for a couple of days you do that twice a week twice a fucking week

and just try the other five days you'll be amazed what happens be amazed what fucking happens clown food by the way is desserts I call it clown food because when I'm using you know when I'm eating cookies and shit desserts look good to me but

when I got that sugar craving out of me and I'm not even looking at desserts when I glance over at the dessert that's literally what it looks like it looks it looks like that's what clowns would eat and that's why their face looks like that you know whatever it makes sense to me you know

alright here I am bitch moaning and complaining about all this fucking shit and I gotta ask is there anybody who listens to this podcast that lives in Israel or lives in Palestine I gotta ask you like how do you how do you

fucking deal with this Hatfield and McCoy shit that's going on over there I just look at it it's just at some point you know if you have the money why wouldn't you just fucking leave well I swear to god

I would just be alright you want it here take it fuck it it's yours here it is this is the where the guy went with the sandals that everybody gives a shit about

you know doesn't go on all religions doesn't god love everybody so why would he give a fuck where you lived if he made all of it or she made all of it if we crawled out of the fucking mud

at some point man Jesus Christ these fucking stories are heart breaking they're just shooting missiles at each other's towns and I don't you know I don't know again I'm trying to think if somebody was just shooting it at LA

would I leave yes yeah go to Minnesota it's fucking freezing yeah but there's nobody shooting a missile at me I don't I don't you know obviously if you can tell by the way I'm speaking about it I'm ignorant as hell

like Israel they shot at this fucking police guys house they killed like 10 members of his family you know now what is that gonna do is that gonna make people on that other side you know hate less like oh now we

get it thank you carry on you know I don't what am I saying here like look at World War II was everybody in England supposed to just walk away but that's their entire country

ah Jesus what am I suggestion here suggesting yeah I gotta be honest I would fucking leave I just picture in that guy the end of the Algeria game I would just

I just would have enough fuck it you win you want it here it is fuck it take it I'm out I'm out that's easy to say and then what you don't know the language you gotta go somewhere else that's what I would do

I would fucking build a concrete bunker and I would buy like as many Rosetta stones as as I could afford and I would just try to learn other languages I just pick a fucking country

and I would go there and then what do you do I'm trying to think where I could live other than the United States there's a bunch of play I could live Canada I think I could live in England where else I definitely live in France

I definitely just take a while take a while to get used to all those skinny jeans over there you know I don't know I think I just answered my question it's like where you're from where the fuck you're gonna go you just accept that after a while

Jesus this is depressing alright let's get to how far into this podcast are we how far into this fucking podcast 35 minutes okay I think it's time to read a couple of a couple of letters

for the week here oh by the way I want to thank everybody who made all those DJ remixes of my my attempt at imitating that music and that's all I was doing I wasn't saying it wasn't viable or anything like that if you really go back and listen to what I was saying I was just saying I'm glad they're making a bunch of money

I hope they save it because I saw this same sort of bubble you know hair metal grunge boy bands stand up comedy I've seen it over and over and over again so I hope they save the money that's what I really was saying it really wasn't a rant alright

although maybe it was I didn't really go back and listen to it alright DJs if you want to listen to all of the all the DJ remixes from last week you can go on to twitter we're gonna have them all up there at the mmpodcast is the twitter handle I believe you say

at the mmpodcast please follow this podcast there we'll have the links to all whatever the fuck I talk about the videos and what not alright DJs hey Billy Bassdrum greetings from Finland I'm a 20 year old musician

and for the past few years I've been getting into electronic music before you call me a mouse head I don't give a fuck if you like that guy I don't hate that guy or one of his dick sucking groupies hear me out I wouldn't know the difference between his

the mouse head looking guy or the other guy who looks like one of the two quarries about that ear rape you hear in mainstream clubs there are a number of DJs or whatever you want to call them who actually can play some real instruments

I play guitar drums based in some piano it is true that a big part of making music on a computer is editing but when you record your own samples and start fucking around with them it is as time consuming and tedious as any form of music you know

you had me right up until then well so is painting a house does that mean the guy painting the house is Hendricks that doesn't make any sense to me sir listen I know that what you're doing is an art okay I'm not you know

I'm just making I just make funny shit okay don't don't get all fucking don't get any sadder than you are alright don't add any more black clothing or eyeliner to your fucking wardrobe see that's one of the stereotypes we don't do that anyways he says overrated too much deodorant

no sane person wants you to smell like nuclear waste underrated using the stairs I see way too many lazy fucks taking always taking the most convenient way if you got a pair of functioning legs fucking use them

you'll thank yourself later anyways thanks for reading and I'm looking forward to seeing you in Helsinki again I'm looking forward to coming over there that's actually gonna become a dangerous part of the world for me if people keep saying that I'm trash and DJs I'm not

anyways you know what's funny nobody ever thinks that they're part of the problem you know your music is ear rape what I make is this tedious is learning the oboe beep boop boop boop boop boop boop boop alright thoughts from

Lana hey there Billy Redface hope this message finds you reading the Monday morning podcast reading it on time haha realtime media can be challenging this message is from the ATL slash hot Lana I hated that I missed your

show with the tabernacle love the venue have never seen a comedy show there I have those seen the dead weather the Ray rock tours the white stripes widespread panic the black keys and many many other great performing artists I'm glad you have turned

you've been turned on to Allison Mosshart yeah she's the lead singer of uh the dead weather man I was saying last week that she's a rockstar and this guy's green saying yeah she is a true fucking rockstar amazing great backstory

on how she started working directly with Jack White after a show at the tabernacle while the wreck rank contours however the fuck you say we're playing with the kills Jack White saw her uh thought she was the shit everyone

knows it Jack White though is the shit everyone knows it if you don't then you need to crawl out of your cave and rejoin society did I read that right I guess she was playing with the kills and was opening for Jack White's

and he saw her thought she was the shit and that's how they uh they got together I think that's what the point was I apologize for my reading um anyways he said I want to take a minute and share a few thoughts with you I've been listening to your podcast for a little over a year now a few items I feel compelled to comment on

fat shaming thank you I've been very focused on my health over the last year and dropping off the wagon for about two years it feels great getting back in shape your podcast is motivating and I'm typically listening to it while I'm working out or while traveling on a plane or in

a car being stationary and reminding myself I need to work out uh if you don't like the fat shaming then don't listen to the fucking program it's not like there's not a million other things to listen to um yeah I think I do fat shaving with a twinkle in my

eye right anyways vegetarian food at Chinese entire restaurant so yeah I keep bringing that up like if I google vegetarian restaurant they always show these Chinese entire restaurants he says the reason this shows up is these cuisines are great for vegetarians

uh if you go to a real Chinese restaurant not some American Chinese crap the food is way more focused on the vegetables and is actually quite healthy ties a little harder to find healthy but there are generally are a few great options at authentic Thai restaurants aka

not mouth breathing mall food if you don't believe me next time you're in Atlanta or Raman LA I'll prove it to you um um dude I believe you we don't have to have a lunch date here um anyways yeah I just yeah

you know when my version of Chinese food is that you know that fucking food you eat and 10 minutes later you're hungry again that really unhealthy shit so I I really ought to look into that a little bit more I guess but um anyways oh I you know what I forgot

to do I wanted to apologize to all the world cup fans because some people getting annoyed with me trashing you know I just like fucking irritating you guys you know it's fun and I think in your heart of hearts it really bugs you that the United States doesn't give a fuck about the world cup and I know right now

you're like oh fuck off but you know it's true and I think in your heart of hearts you actually want to be an American don't you come on you never fantasized about that just being some fat fuck on your way to a

like a Walmart listening to some country music with your fucking jaw hanging open alright some ill fitting hat listening to some country guy rubbing your balls if you don't like the south

you can get the fuck out cause this is America and we ain't changing for nobody right and then they start playing a violin that makes you want to leap out of the truck

come on you know we wouldn't want to do that for like a couple of weeks Europeans and Australians stop coming visiting here and visiting the coastal cities see the real America get in the middle of it get in the fucking hot land go to some of our DE and F's fucking cities

alright why don't you go out there and do some of that shit just fucking drive around okay and I challenge you to walk into my maybe four walmarts in the middle of nowhere and not break down like that Argentinian guy alright

was there any point to be made there I don't think there was alright other instrument dear Billy Coltrane you play drums and that's awesome you're a bonafide cool kid what because I suck at drums alright I'll take that he said but if you could play a second instrument

and be a master of it what would you play sorry guitar is not an option why why isn't it a fucking option cause you say so alright I'll roll with it you gotta choose between a saxophone trombone flute or violin

what's your choice and what genre of music would uh would you want to be the master of thanks and go flute yourself jesus jesus with the puns over there if I have saxophone trombone trombone doubt it doubt

trombone is a badass fucking instrument I see when you mute it with the plunger I like trumpet trombone what would I play I don't know either that New Orleans shit or like I like the trombone player and uh in James Brown's band

Fred bop bop bop put the band whatever that fucking song doing it to death I can't remember the name of the song oh did I tell you guys I found a fucking killer James Brown killer James Brown like a new version

or not a different take of uh of I feel good you gotta hear this shit hang on a second let me see if I can uh bring this up real quick James Brown right there click on that this is how much of a fucking genius this guy is

where the hell is that hot pants mmm here it is listen to this shit yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah tell me you can listen to that fucking nine thousand times in a row you gotta listen to that whole song the bridge is the only thing that sort of sounds like the original version that just sounds like him fucking around

trying to figure out how he's gonna do it yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I would play trombone I also really like the trumpet I feel like that's an unbelievably powerful instrument and my dad had a record when I was a kid Ted Heath and his orchestra swing as king and they had a couple of sections where

where it was just a trumpet solo or just the horn section would kick in and it was it you know fucking blew you out of your chair when you were listening to it if you had a nice hi-fi system back in the day there and I remember the first time I went and I saw a big band live I went to Berkeley I think I told this story before I went to Berkeley and it was the

the Buddy Rich band and Buddy was he was gone by then he'd been gone probably like five six years so they just would have these all-star drummers come in and play with the band and I could not fucking believe like a big band was basically it was four trombones four saxophones four trumpets

and I mean these guys when they would just just fucking all of them would play 16 fucking people blowing on horns you fucking blow your goddamn wig back man was unbelievable so I've always loved that kind of music

I don't know the shit that I'm listening to now like I got in a rental car a couple weeks ago and I just decided I was gonna listen to the pop station so I could kind of know what was going on just because as a comedian you got it somehow it's your job to kind of know what's going on out there

or else your act will really start feeling dated like I mentioned a couple months ago when I used Britney Spears as a reference as like when I was talking about you know some young flusy and it bombed like it got nothing in front of this younger crowd and then I had to be like wait a minute

she's like a 32-33 divorce mother of two or three kids at this point she's not 19 anymore Bill you know fucking 14 years has gone by since oops I did it again I played with you

put on some clothes you fucking whore but God bless you you made your money you made your money I'm a slave fucking what am I saying so yeah so that actually has led me into listening to all kinds of other fucking shit

plus I played drums you know as the hobby and so I've always liked I guess rap music I refuse to call it hip-hop I'm too white to call it hip-hop it just doesn't sound right coming off that rap music that sounds right coming out of my mouth but like

I like who's the guy I've been listening to little Wayne's new one Rich as fuck I just really like the drums in that and I also think he's fucking hilarious go behind your back like nunchucks and that's fucked up

I find myself laughing when I'm listening to his shit he's also amazing you know fuck talking let's do it alright enough with that shit so that's what I meant to and if I could yeah trombone I would love that if I had if I could be like Bill Murray and Groundhog Day I would

master drums guitar trumpet trombone piano that would probably be it and uh maybe bass I don't know you know what there's a guy I actually follow on YouTube if you're a bass player this fucking guy is the shit

like he plays all the great fucking songs that have just unbelievable bass lines from funk all the way to like you know cover shit that you should know if you're playing a band like that song uh

that 8 6 7 5 3 0 9 he plays that shit and he's just a really he's a pro I'll actually I'll put that link up we'll have it up on the Twitter the at the mm podcast Twitter handle we'll have all of that shit up there for you um

so yeah that's basically what I would do shut this fucking thing off ah Jesus Christ what did I do please tell me I didn't fuck this whole podcast up is that better was I leaning on this thing forever well I don't have time to fix it

god dammit at some point I'm gonna make I'm gonna make this a professional operation alright let's get to the next little I guess the final one here um tennis oh by the way the flute the flute is the one fucking instrument that there's just no

there was there's no cool way to play that instrument you know they just isn't and I don't want to hear about Jethro Tull do do do do I don't want to hear it um

yeah the flute the piccolo like those are those are great little add-ons when you have an entire symphony like that's like the curb finders for the you know remember back in the day when you're like alright I've tinted the windows I have my vanity plate

you know I got a I got fuzzy dice hanging from the fucking rear view mirror what's the last thing you put curb finders on because you didn't want to damage your rims that's what a flute or like a piccolo is

I mean who would even respect there's no way somebody just plays the piccolo like you you're definitely playing multiple fucking instruments and you like the utility guy in the team like hey we need you to play right field alright I'll play the fucking piccolo right

um alright tennis anyone dear Billy Agassi this person says I've heard you mention anything I have never heard you mention anything about playing tennis it sounds to me like a sport you and the lovely Nia would enjoy you're in your Jack LaLaine

stage and hell seems to be important to you tennis is a great workout and after playing a handful of times you can actually see yourself getting better in your case we wouldn't call them tennis whites we call them tennis pasty whites hey everybody

keep it going for that guy um what's your history with the sport ever give it a go yeah I grew up in the 80s the big tennis boom was in the 70s so you know the fall out of it was still there I still have an oversized

fucking racket probably with cat gut strings um no offense peter but that's the way they made him back then and maybe they're nylon I have no fucking idea um I like I love tennis

I love watching that type of shit as far as running around I my back and shin splints I'm not fucking doing that I see you know those people who play those running around sports basketball and all of them you ever see those guys when they get to their 30s and into their 40s and they're still fucking

coming out there tape from their ankle all the way up to their hip your body was not designed to fucking do that running around I play on a grass surface if they got a local uh Wimbledon replica

I'd fucking play on that shit um you know what's funny so I got a tennis racket like everybody I played a little bit um in the 80s with my buddies you know and we would talk all kinds of shit we go out there and we get drunk go down with the public court you know the one that had the cracks

in it with the grass coming up and like no net so you just tie a string across it and you'd be playing at night you'd be arguing if it went over or under remember that shit that's the way we'd play we had a great time and um so when I moved out and went to New York City you know when I was packing the vitals

obviously the tennis racket didn't make it and I remember uh one one time I met this really really nice woman and I wanted to go on a date and she was like she suggested playing tennis because she was nice you know rather than going on

getting booze and I was like yeah I got a tennis racket and I liked her so much actually had my parents mail me my tennis racket down to me and I went out to Brooklyn and we played tennis hahahaha and she won

and that was the end of that the relationship lasted a little bit longer than that but yeah that's probably I don't not into that shit I'm not into uh although I gotta tell you I went over to Brooklyn Bridge

and I jogged across it all the way back to my hotel and I was surprised that I had that kind of wind but I got back into skipping rope again I have to tell you guys this is the work out that I used to do back in the day I would uh I put on classic sports network

before they got bought up by fucking ESPN and um I would tape old fights or you know if De La Hoya he was the big guy back then um you know if he had a nice 12 round fight I would record it

and hopefully it went like 9, 10, 11, 12 rounds and then what I would do was when I would watch it during my workout and what I would do when the boxers were fighting I would be skipping rope and I would be watching the fight and when they rested I would stop skipping rope

and then uh when they you know started fighting again I was back on the on the on the rope and I would just try to just build myself up to see how many fucking rounds I could get to and uh you really gain an appreciation

for the kind of fucking shape that those guys are in because you're just sitting there like wee wee wee they're actually trying to prevent somebody from beating the shit out of them while they try and beat the shit out of them you know that if you've had a fight in your fucking life you know if

nobody trains to have a bar fight it just fucking happens do you remember that shit how when did you were after like it I mean how long is a bar fight last it's like under under usually under 30 seconds you hear the glass breaking you hear all the fucking shit if you actually

cut out all the shit talking and so you want fucking fucking with the wrong guy if you want to cut out all of that shit and just get down to the fighting aspect of it it's usually under 30 seconds and I swear to like how hard you're breathing

it is ridiculous and these guys are just 12 rounds of that shit it's just it's unbelievable um so that's the kind of thing because I hate going to the fucking gym I hate doing cardio and all that type of stuff so

I always try to have something going on that I can do that just doesn't have me staring at the clock and I feel like I'm in science class back in the day you know so so there you go that's one to grow on everybody

I think I hit everything I might have to pull up a little bit short here oh you know what I forgot the last advertising for this week is oh the wonderful the lovely the always lovely dollar shave club everyone the big razor companies think we're stupid everybody

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slash burr there you go you don't have to go out to go buy you don't have to pay too much for it I believe that's the podcast for this week I had a wonderful time shooting a cheat with you

what do I got coming up I got the benefits all the information is up on billburr.com I got it tonight and tomorrow it's a benefit to help out starving children I will be manning the lines spooning out food during the afternoon

and I'll be doing the show late at night I was going to be doing it with James Smith unfortunately he's a little bit under the weather I hope he's feeling better soon so we got Paul don't say I'm from Jersey Versey is going to be opening and

it's going to be a great time it's for a great cause and later on this month I will be up doing the Montreal comedy festival I'm going to be hosting one of the gallows bringing it on all the you know the new talent that's going to come along

will the industry force me out of the business um anyways I'm really looking forward to that other than that I'm not doing shit other than spending all my money on the ground floor in my fucking house alright everybody that's it

go fuck yourselves have a great week I'll talk to you next time alright bye my kids are free now at a warm dinner Ikea