Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-15-13

Episode Date: July 16, 2013

Bill talks about Cold Lotion, The Cattle Game, and Standing Your Ground.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bilt Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 15th. 2013. Barry Sanders, Dan Marino. How are you? How's it going? I know the podcast late. I don't understand why you guys feel like you actually have not all of you guys just to feel you actually feel that you know when this podcast is supposed to come about. You know, it's called the Monday Morning Podcast. Why isn't it around on Monday morning? Well, let me ask you this. Remember that fucking song Led Zeppelin did that? Hey mama said the way you move. Gonna make you sweat. Gonna make you groove. Click. Remember that shit? The name of that song is called Black Dog. It's not about a black dog. He never says black dog. All right, that's a black dog walked in the

fucking studio, right? Wasn't wearing a hoodie. So nobody shot it. John Bonham didn't have to stand his ground. All right, the fucking dog came walking in. And then they just called the song Black Dog. So there you go. The Monday Morning Podcast. I do it Monday mornings when I wake up when I'm in town. I was on a fucking plane this Monday morning, flying from fucking from Boston, B A W people, not B A H you Midwestern cunts thinking you can do a Boston accent. It's bar B A W Boston, the Red Sox S A W X like saw like you're gonna saw down a tree. Can you can you figure that out there? Mr. Green jeans when you're not out there planting food for the fucking country? Well, can you? All right, then I was just asking,

you don't have to grab your little shoulder straps on your overalls. By the way, what is that pocket for between your mantits? What do you stick in there? Huh? You remote control? Huh? You stick something in there for whittling? Just go scrub your nails. Um, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, I was flying back from Boston. And I got upgraded. This is a classic example of cold lotion, everybody. All right, I'm in the back of the plane with the fucking animals, right? All of us back there clamoring around. You know, we all sucked at math or maybe we were good at math. We just weren't good at fucking, you know, getting along with people, which one of the is one of the keys main keys to success people.

You got to be a good shit. I don't care how smart you are. You got to be somebody that people want to be around. All right. All right. Felbert Einstein was a cunt. You know, just think of how many more Japanese people would be around today. So bad. I'm sorry. I can never get past that he made the bomb. He didn't have to do it. You know, those fucking people asking him to make the goddamn thing. They did not do it. He could have just been like, yeah, I don't know how to make something like that.

You know, you're going to have to earn this one there, Sergeant Riker. Um, all right, I'd probably offended at least nine different races at this point. Let's, uh, let's keep going here. I know there's a point here somewhere. So I'm flying back so I, I'm in the back of the plane, right? With the people who say what they feel to their boss, the people who sucked at math, the people who fucking knocked up somebody that they're not in love with. You know, I don't know what, I don't know what we did to deserve to be in the back of that fucking plane. All right, but we're back there. And all of a sudden I get a little

fucking tap on the shoulder and says, Mr. Burr, there's a, there's a spot up in our first class cabin. There's a space available. You've been upgraded. You know, and what do I say? Do I say, no, I'm not going. I'm staying with my people, you know, the downtrodden, the mentally challenged, not never, uh, uh, mentally challenged kind of way, just like, and, uh, that guy's not all there kind of way, you know, huh? Do I fucking hang in there like William Wallace as they pull out my entrails trying to drag me into the first class and say, no, I'm not going. I'm going to stay in my grab and my crowd. I'm going to stay here in the fucking, the, the, the, the main cabin. I'm

going to call it the main fucking cabin, right? Like you're feeling like, Oh, this is the main. This is the shit. I'm in the main VIP. No, you're not. She called the fucking corral or something like the stockade. Anyways, did I stay with my people? No, I didn't. I sold them out. I said, fuck this. I'm out like the leader of a union spooning. Was some guy that smells like clam sauce as another group. Um, and I go up to the front. So I went from my fucking knees in my chest, highlights magazine, right, right in my face, you know, whatever they have there, the sky mall, you know, because you want to buy a fucking Mickey mouse, uh, ashtray, whatever the hell they have

slash iPod charger. That's my joke that me and Joe always do. Our joke, I should say about Bobby Kelly, whatever gadget he has, the way it always ends with, and it charges my iPod, dude. Dude, I just bought a fucking dildo, dude. It goes clockwise, counterclockwise, and it charges my iPhone. Yeah. Um, I'm sorry. So anyway, so I go up there. I'm fucking excited to tell gonna sit in first class with all the big boys, all the blood money, right? Everybody up there. You know, some bearded fellow with curly cues and diamonds under his hat. I'm up front. I'm up front with the blue bloods. People who own horses just to own them because they think

they're cute, not because they got to go fucking till the land. That's how you say it. So I get up my seat. The only thing suck was I was a very front row. So you can't, you can't put your shit under the person in front of you. So I had to look for an overhead compartment space. People, if you could just put your bags in the overhead compartments, we could expedite the boarding process. We're trying to have an on time departure. Um, they all say the same thing and I fly all the airlines. I whore around. Anyways, so I fucking get up there and I sit down on my first class fucking cabin seat. It's six 50 in the morning flight. All right. I have a nice giant pillow. I have a nice blanket.

First class, everything's nice. And you know, pay for it. All those poor saps back in the main cabin, you know, some lady going into labor three months in because her knees are so fucking up to her chin. They don't care. I don't care when she has a little three pound baby as we fly over the Rockies. They don't care. They don't give a fuck to them. That's just another three pound animal to stuff in the back of the fucking plane. And at this point, I don't care because I'm selfish. I'm about me. I'm up front. I'm rubbing elbows with bankers. You know, I'm the only person up there without cuff links, you know, standing out like I shouldn't be at the party, but there's nothing they could say about it. So anyways, I probably got two hours sleep, which is the best

way to get on a plane when you have a long flight. Okay. That is the all natural way of knocking yourself out rather than taking some designer drug that's going to put your liver in a full Nelson, you know, maybe choke it out and give hammer in another seven hammer fists before that UFC ref can slide over, you know, my only complaint about the UFC, you know, when was the last time somebody got knocked out and then didn't get an additional four whip, whip, whip, whip, whip. Where's the fucking guys going? I've never understood that aspect of ultimate fighting. The fucking guy is out. You can see he's out. And if you don't know he's out, the entire crowd going, Oh, doesn't let you know. He's out laying on the ground. You know,

you fall down whenever you get knocked out. It's funny because like your legs cross like you're watching television, like enjoying your day off. And then your arms, they always like, they're kind of moving like rocking back like, have you noticed that they always like go up like you're still in fighting mode. And but they're sort of like shaking like, I don't know, like your legs are like drilled into the ground and you're up here toy and somebody just flipped your head fucking whatever you've seen the shit. So anyway, I haven't gone on to that. So anyway, so I sit down there and I'm just like, all right, that's your liver, shit. You don't want to do that. All right. If you want to sleep on a flight, just don't go to

sleep, don't sleep the night before you flight. I mean, how fucking easy is that? How lazy are you? Do you get that from your parents? I mean, what's wrong with you? I don't think you should be listening to this podcast right now. I think you should sit down, have a little quiet time and figure out what the fuck is wrong with you. I'm seriously repulsed by you right now. If you if you fit into the definition of this, all right, so just don't go to sleep. So that's what I did. I stayed out with fucking the pride in Newark's Paul Verzi and I got two hours of sleep. I drove my rented Kia back to budget and yeah, whatever I get on the fucking plane. So I'm just going to go to sleep and I go to press

the button to recline my seat and my seat is broken. It won't recline. All right. I got upgraded to first class and my but my seat wouldn't recline and right there people because there's a lot of confusion out there right there. That is a classic example of some cold lotion. Okay. They're doing something nice for you, but then there's an awful experience involved. Right. Look up the definition because I'm sick of people sending me shit on Twitter going, oh, you know, this guy sent me one. Oh, I went to the summer league and I watched my, you know, Portland trailblazers, but they lost to the Lakers. That's some cold lotion. No, it isn't. The Lakers didn't say, Hey, we're going to fucking we're going to lose on purpose tonight.

You know, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, sir. So anyways, now I'm fucking sleeping upright. You know, though, I swear to God, those goddamn chairs on airplanes are just unforgiving. First of all, the fuselage is just far enough away from your head that it's going to kill your neck if you try and lean your head on it. So then you get the pillow and the pillow is a piece of shit front or back of the plane. The feathers just scatter, especially when you got a big head like mine. So you can't get that. Then you try to turn to the side. All right. Try to turn and lay at an angle. Then you got the armrest, which it feels like a fucking pistol stuck in your side. Yeah, it's the worst. You know, I just threw the blanket over my head because I forgot my eye mask

and did you see Superman and eye mask? Sorry. Whatever. I just want to give you an example of what fucking cold lotion is or look it up on the Urban Dictionary. They have a great explanation of what it is. I'm tired of fucking correcting people on Twitter. Tired of that? You tell it done three shows this weekend screaming my brains out because I don't know how to write a joke. I sound like Peter Brady right now. I'm sick of that on Twitter. And then I'm also sick of the fucking people who go first world problems. All right. That's the latest in the list that I'm beginning for Twitter hack. All right. What do we have so far? We have anything that begins with that feeling when that moment when or if you go, wait, what?

Right. I want the last such and such time of my life back. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. All of these you've heard thousands of fucking times get for some reason a select 90% of people on Twitter continue to use them as if they're still funny. The same fucking people who would go out to go see a comedian and if they did the same shit that they already saw them do on TV, they'd be like the show sucked. You know, and they go on Twitter and they fucking hack it up. I know I'm being harsh on you guys because you're just civilians, but if you want to enter the wonderful world of joke writing, you need to step up your fucking game. Why don't you try to find your own voice on Twitter

and 180 word fucking letters or less, whatever it is. All right. I'll tell you right now. I'm a little disappointed in a lot of you. You're better than that. Okay. First of all, if you live in a first world, you should never tell somebody that's a first world fucking problem as if to remove yourself from your spoiled existence. You know, like you don't have some roast beef in the fridge that you didn't have to go out and kill and maybe lose your oldest son trying to bring that fucking yak down, right? Is that where roast beef comes from? What does roast beef come from? That's some sort of steer. I guess that's a steer. Cow you get the milk, right? Unless it fucking beats up other cows and then they fucking kill it. They make steaks.

Steers, you get the steaks, rub roast and all that shit. And then bulls, bulls go around and they fuck the cows to make more steers and more cows. Am I right? Anybody? Anybody out there or farmer? Anybody out there in the fucking cattle game? The cattle game, that's a new movie I'm working on, the cattle game. It's about a cow that has a dick and it surprises an unsuspecting bull because it's already fell in love with them. I just spoiled the secret of the cattle game, everybody. This is the weirdest fucking podcast ever. All right, let's do a little bit of advertising here, everybody. All right, so I can keep the podcast free for all you fucking whining cunts out there.

I don't want to pay for the podcast. There's too much advertising. Pick a fucking side, Mary. Uh, legal zoom, everybody. Uh, I, whoops, that's not it. That was like a commentary on the fucking thing. What the hell is it? All right, fuck it. Let's call an audible. Like I just came up to the line, you know, after calling a play and I see a defense and I'm giving a look to my fucking receiver, right? All I gotta do is give them a look. Marvin Harrison out there. Did you kill anybody last night? Who did you kill last night? Wide receiver. Uh, Tivo, everybody. Before Tivo watching TV was weirdly hard. Weirdly hard. I don't think it was. I think it was pretty

basic. You know, you turned it on, you sat down, you looked at it. I got issues with that. But you know what? I'm going to be a company man and I'm going to play ball here. Bill Burr reads the Tivo ad. Take two. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, Tivo. Before Tivo watching TV was weirdly hard. You could only watch a show at a certain time. And if you missed it or even a part of it, you literally had to wait for it to go into reruns before you could see it again. Now I'm old enough to tell you that that's 100% true. You missed one episode of happy days. You didn't know what was going on. How did Chachi knock up Joni? When did they have a kid? Well, you missed last week's episode.

Have fun. Wait until July. Thank God that's all over because Tivo totally changed all of that. And while our other DVRs exist, they're not as sicklicious as Tivo. Oh, they're trying to get the young market here because if you have cable, Tivo lets you watch your shows wherever you want. With Tivo stream, you can watch on your iPad all over your house. That's awesome, man. I actually have a little mini iPad now. I got to get this instead of just talking about it. I should take action and even transfer your favorite recordings and take them with you on an airplane, waiting in line at the DMV dentist's office. Tivo makes other DVRs look like they were designed by some Soviet committee. Take that one people over there in partial Europe and Asia.

Only Tivo searches for both cable and web to find any movie, any show, any video at the press of a button. Netflix, Amazon, YouTube. Now those are just... I was doing so well, wasn't I? Now those are just like more channels on your TV. And with the Tivo mini, one Tivo box works on a second TV from the couch to the kitchen, from the minivan to 35,000 feet. Tivo makes TV about a thousand times better. I don't know about you guys, but I'm sold. That's another great way to make a flight go by. I'll watch every episode of Welcome Back Carter, one after another. E voice, everybody. Your screening calls, closing deals and making money, all while lounging poolside in the summer sun. Thanks to who? Who? E voice, everybody. E voice is a better

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Go out there and get in the sun. Look at the ladies, right? Or if you're a woman, go look at the fellas in their hairy pecs, you know, free yourself with a free 30 day trial of E voice. You can see what I'm talking about or at least what I'm reading about. Go to E voice.com and enter a promo code bill for 30 days for, sorry, for a 30 day free trial. Jesus. You know, I always like run down. Great. I get to the horse. I do my little flips and I never stick the landing. Um, that's E voice.com promo code bill or go to the podcast page on bill bird.com and click on the E voice banner. And lastly, dollar shave club, everybody. How long have you been getting F in the a when it comes to buying blades for your razor? Right? Why are they acting like the little

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Here's something you don't get a lot on the podcast. Everybody an apology. I owe two major apologies. Three. Jesus Christ. Where do I start? Number one, I trashed World War Z. Before it came out, the second I saw the rating was PG 13. If you remember from a couple of weeks back, I said basically that the end of the world is not PG 13. It's like NC 17, if not 18, if that's, if that's actually a rating. Okay. But I actually went out and I saw World War Z and I got to tell you something. I absolutely loved it. Not only did I love it, I feel the PG 13 rating helped it. You know, because if you go out and see my act, my act is probably NC 17 or at least rated R. And if you really watch me, I don't know

how to write a joke. That's why I have to scream and jump around and say the F word every other word. And people still laugh because they don't realize I'm just doing a big parlor trick. That's all it is. But the great thing is, is when you go down to PG 13, they actually have to make a movie. I'm BSing right now. I'm bullshitting everybody. I kept it PG 13 there. You know, you know, I liked they actually, they built suspense and actually back in the day, even in rate at our movies, they started building since they used to build suspense, suspense. And one of my things that I always hated about horror movies and big time blockbusters is once all they had all that CGI equipment, you know, they could have the perfect storm wave and all that

crap. They, there was no story. It's just a bunch of people and you're just sitting there waiting for the big wave to knock over the boat. And one night I watched this movie Dark Knight of the Scarecrow and the movie, I don't know, there was really scared the shit out of me late at night. And I was trying to figure out why there was really nothing. I couldn't figure out when it was they were building suspense. They were scaring the shit out of me and World War Z did it. Brad Pitt was awesome. So my apologies to Bradley Pitt, Pride of Missouri, and anybody else connected with World War Z was a fucking great movie. I highly recommend it. That's apology number one. Apology number two, speaking of movies.

For the last two months, I've been hyping the Billy Red State tour talking about how all you guys drive, you know, a lot of people drive long distances to come and see me. And I said, you know what? I'm going to come and see you. But unfortunately, actually, fortunately, I ended up getting some acting work and I can't control when they shoot stuff. And it's really a big thing for me. And I couldn't say no to it. So unfortunately, the Billy Red State tour got kind of got split up. I've rescheduled all of them. All right, I'm not going to totally sell out and just say, well, I got acting work. I'm not doing these. I just rescheduled them. So this is the deal. The first two dates, Boise, Idaho in Bozeman, Montana, those ones are still the same dates.

Everything else got moved. As of right now, the only rescheduled dates I can give you is Boulder, Colorado is September 4th, and Pikes Peak, Colorado is September 6th. And I believe we're looking at Oklahoma and Kansas that got moved to like November. This is the deal. I'm still coming to all of those places just not in the next two weeks. I apologize. I know it's the summer. You probably said, Hey, I can't go water skiing and bang that chick. I always wanted to bang back in high school, but didn't have the balls. And now I said the right shit. You know, I hope I didn't fuck up something like that for you. All right. But if you're just going to play frisbee with some cow chips, then I think you can wait a couple of months. Is that really an apology?

Started off as one. And then lastly, the last apology that I have is I have to apologize to jolly, jolly old England. I usually watch Wimbledon every year, but I've been so busy. I missed out and I ended up the one fucking year. I don't watch it. I'm the first English champion since I don't know when I'm going to guess the 1930s again, Andy Murray. Congratulations for being the first human being with dick and balls from Great Britain. Oh, should I say England? What does Great Britain? Let's see the United Kingdom. Who gives a fuck about geography? Whatever. He's from England. I wish I could have seen I mean, I've even watched a clip of it to see how fucking crazy everybody

went. So my apologies. I should have given you guys your props. That's awesome. I'm sure you guys are still fucking celebrating. I think that's a great thing. Great for the sport. And speaking of sports, yet another person from overseas sent me another video about rugby. You know, one of those clips where they show all these unbelievably hard hits and they are hard hits, you know, but they always kind of have to come at me like saying American football is for pussies because they wear all this equipment. So here's what I have to say to rugby people, fans of rugby who think that American football players are somehow pussies slash not as tough as rugby, rugby players. Put it this way, when rugby players like two, three years after they retire,

start committing suicide by shooting themselves in the chest because they don't want to damage their brain. So scientists can look at it after they're dead to figure out why they're so fucked up. You know, when rugby players start doing that, okay, then maybe you have an even then you wouldn't have an argument, then your sport would be as fucked up as ours. You know, and if you want to win that contest, you know, our sport does more damage to our citizens than yours does, then, you know, more power to you. But I'm just saying, I don't think rugby guys, they don't kill themselves, do they? I have no fucking idea. I didn't really research it one way or the other. All right, so I know a lot of people, you know, were asking me questions here, wanted me to comment

on that, that case down there in Florida. I got to be honest with you, once it went, it was so racial from the beginning, that shit just depresses the hell out of me. It makes me feel like there's never going to be any sort of progress. I think that there's progress in, you know, maybe stuff in movies and stuff that people say on TV, but I still think people have a lot of the same thoughts. Unfortunately, they do. And so I don't know anything about it. All I can say is that I feel a lot of the people, some of the shit I had actually stopped like following like three people on Twitter, because the shit they were writing was so fucking ignorant about it. Basically, by ignorant, I mean, not talking about the case, making it this whole fucking race thing. And people like that,

on both sides, I would say that if it was flipped, and the exact opposite thing happened, you know, played out the same way, except it was a 17 year old white kid that killed, got killed by an African American adult, those same people would completely flip on whether they thought it was guilt or innocence. And that's what fucking drives me nuts about the shit and depresses me. But I mean, race was a big thing about it. I can tell you this right now, if an African American male adult shot a 17 year old white kid with who had Skittles and iced tea, I don't know. I would not want to be the defendant in that fucking case. Put it that way. I wouldn't. So another fucking unfortunate. It just gets so, you know, do you

really think I actually let me ask you this, do you think people are that ignorant or that they just show the ignorant people? You know, I don't fucking know. But I get overwhelmingly depressed when I watch shit like that. So I kind of stayed away from it. So anyways, I don't know why I brought that up. It's just that it's a fucking awful topic. I do have to say though, for the little I know about the stand your ground law, I don't understand why that exists. Most other states, you have to have exhausted any option of retreat. You know, like every martial arts class you ever take, like they always say the first fucking defense is to avoid it. If you can avoid it in any way, regardless of what you fucking pussy, your mother's a kind of whatever. That's just words.

You're supposed to just walk away from something like that. You know, and it's just when you get to the point where your backs against the wall, you know, you got to defend yourself, which I 100% believe but that stand your ground where your wife's going like honey, they're kind of angry. Let's they're drunk. I think we should just I ain't moving staying in my fucking ground. That just that just sounds that sounds aggressive. Like I don't know the stand your ground law and I'm just asking here before you start sending me emails written all in capital letters. All right. To me, that just sounds like you're escalating. That's that's a way to escalate a situation. You know, do you know how many people fucking stood their ground and just wish that

they didn't are in wheelchairs now are missing eyes or fucking drool all day long and standing in your ground is one of the dumbest fucking things you can do with a complete stranger who gives a fuck. They're not in your life. You know, oh, is that what you think about me person who doesn't know me and I'll never see again? That's good. Okay, you're right. I'm walking away. I don't know. I don't know much about the law, but that reminds me a long time ago when I watched this bouncer, he walked up. There was two people arguing and he comes walking up. Now his job is to fucking, you know, end the situation, diffuse it. Right. Hopefully by just talking, you know, see, he comes walking up and he says, Hey, what's the problem here? And the guy talking to him goes,

well, this guy here, blah, blah, blah. And he put his hand on the bouncer's shoulder, like more like, Hey, I want to talk to you to tell you what happened. And the bouncer immediately goes, first of all, don't touch me. And I can't do it the way he delivered the line, but I immediately started fucking dying laughing. Because what he then did, he just escalated the situation. And then that guy who was mad at the other guy took the anger he already had and then focused it on the bouncer. And then immediately they're both on the ground, rolling around on the floor. And it was just like, what struck me is so funny was that that bouncer came over there and it was just like, did you want to fight the guy? Why would you say that? You should just said, sir,

I just need you to keep your hands down there. Thank you. No, no, what, what, what are you saying? Blah, blah, blah. Go that way. But first of all, don't touch me. Fucking like slap his hand away or whatever. I don't know. I don't know about that stand your ground thing. So I'm also very ignorant of it, as you can tell. So let me know. I'm going to wait till everything dies down that I'm going to try to read up on the fucking case, but I can't watch it when it's like Rolling Stone is so frigging to the left. And then you watch like Fox News. And yeah, you know, you know how they are over there, like it's it's so hard to try and get some sort of like sanity and all of that. And and you combine that with every fucking jerk off who has an opinion can write something on the

internet. I just kind of avoided the whole fucking thing. Who knows? All right, there you go. So you asked, I said it. I hope I didn't fucking piss anybody off and make it any more painful. All right. And with that, hey, you know, something somebody wrote something some fucked up dream to me that they had that I was in and actually wrote something funny back. I like to think funny back to analyzing his dream just to give me something else to talk and keep the podcast fresh. If you guys want me, if you had a fucked up dream over the next like six days or maybe one you had a few weeks ago and it's bugging you and you want me to interpret your dreams. All right, Bill Burr interpret your dreams, dreams, dreams, dreams will be a new segment, hopefully

next week on the podcast. And they don't obviously don't have to be about me. I hope I didn't confuse anybody there. All right, this is going to be some fucking, you know, narcissistic thing. Even though I am sitting here by myself, I'm too fucking arrogant to have a guest or lazy or whatever you want to call it. You want to fucking frame it? That's up to you. I don't tell you how to think. So yeah, if you have a weird fucking dream, send it in and I'll interpret your dream. Oh, by the way, I want to thank everybody who came out this week. I was in my old stomping grounds. I went to the Cape Cod melody tent, which was a just an absolute that was a dream come true to be able to perform in that place. That's the one and only place I

ever saw George Carlin. And it was amazing. I couldn't believe how small it was. Anytime you're in the round, like that many seats look small because you're like cutting the ring off. It's kind of like how Dan cooked at it when he would do like those giant arenas. It's fucking brilliant because if you're doing like a giant place like that and you put the stage on one side, it's like that person in the last row up top is a zillion miles away. But if you put it in the middle, it's like you guys, you can do the fucking math. You don't have to be in construction. You know what I mean? I'm 50% closer to you. That last row is 50% closer. The second to last row, everything is 50% closer. Isn't it except for like the front row?

But isn't there more front row with the circle? Oh, Jesus, I'm all confused. I'm starting to sweat here. So anyways, I went down there and I just had a fucking great time. And I was having such a good time. I forgot to promote that I was selling my DVDs afterwards. So I apologize to anybody who wanted a picture or something like that. I did come out afterwards. There was like 30, 35 people there. Needless to say, I left a lot of fucking DVDs in a box back in Massachusetts. And then the next night I did the Hampton Beach Ballroom Casino, which is one of my favorite fucking gigs. I was up there was working with Paul Verzi and then a buddy of mine Wayne Previty, who I started out to and stand up with a long time ago,

back in Boston, we all hung out and had a great time. And then the final night was the Newport Yachting Festival Yachting Center, sorry, which was, you know, an un-air conditioned tent in a parking lot. And it was, I don't know if it was global warming or what, but it was the hottest it's ever been. I don't know if anybody took any pictures of me when I was on stage, but I was wearing this button down shirt that was really thin and I thought was going to be cool, but all it did, it was like ever workout wearing a great t-shirt, how fucking disgusting you look afterwards. That's what I look like. It was gross, but I hung in there and actually, I got like 50 minutes in and then I just felt like I got like almost like runners high. I was so

fucking hot and I ended, I think I did like an hour and a half. It was one of the longest I've ever done on stage standing up there. And I just had a great time and consumed nine zillion calories as I always do. I took Verzi on a fucking, we should have filmed it on this foodie tour of all this shit that I used to be able to eat in my early 20s and wake up the next day and still have a flat stomach, dare I say abs. I took it, like what's great about Massachusetts, if you ever go out there is like every two to three towns has just some unbelievable fucking place to get pizza and there it's, I think they call it bar, bar pizza where it's basically the size of a small pizza. And I'm telling you the place I have, which I'm not even going to tell you what it is because I

don't want to blow it up because I want to fucking be able to come back there and get a seat. When I did the movie, The Heat, Nate Cordray told me about a place he knew down off of Route 3 that was fucking unbelievable. And I don't know, maybe if you guys want to out some of your spots, it's a great thing to do. And then I took them to this fucking ice cream place afterwards. It's like we were on a date. I took them to this ice cream place that's right on a farm. All right. And you get a small, you get a small fucking dish of ice cream, right? And they put the sprinkles on the bottom. By the way, in Massachusetts, they're called jimmies. And I just found out that that's what I heard that's actually racist.

Because I guess that that was another term for African Americans back in the day, like Jim Crow laws. So there's a couple of jimmies over there, kid or whatever. So they call it because the sprinkles a lot of times with chocolate called them jimmies. All right. So I probably shouldn't even fucking said that because now racist will be like, oh good, a new way to be a cunt. But anyway, so I always say sprinkles when I'm up there, even though that that always makes me feel like silly saying that, like, could I get some sprinkles? I'll just a little flustered. Now is that homophobic? I mean, Jesus, it's just a bear trap wherever you step. So whatever they put the fucking sprinkles on the bottom and the small is basically like

eating a pint of fucking ice cream. So then we walk over, we sit on a bench, me and Paul Verzi sitting on a bench in defense of us, it was made for three. All right. And we're sitting there eating ice cream, looking at the cows from the farm where I get they get the fucking cream and the milk or whatever fuck they get. What is the cream come out of the cow? Well, is that somewhere around between the taint and the other there? Is that what it is? Does it got an extra valve? You know what I mean? Like that one that's just for hot water? I don't fucking know. So we're sitting there and I said, I shouldn't even tell you this. No, I can't tell you this. I said, I'm going to take a picture of us and I'm going to send this

to Nia and she's going to fucking trash us. And that's exact. And I bet I'm a dollar and of course she did. And then so whatever we went up to the Hampton Beach that night. And we do the gig. This is a place like Aerosmith when they first started out rumors has it that led Zeppelin actually played there if they did is probably one of maybe I know they played the the Boston Tea Party. I know they played the whiskey out here in LA. They played they literally played like I think a dozen small venues before they absolutely blew up and just went to I imagine large theaters and obviously arenas. But last time I was there, they were claiming that that that might have been one of the places that they played. And also a long time ago, I remember I was in a bad relationship

and I walked up the boardwalk and I was like, I want to get out of this relationship. I want to turn my life around. And I saw George Carlin's name outside of there. And I remember thinking that's what I want to be doing. I want to be doing stand up, not being in this fucked up relationship, right? So we had a great time and then I'm racing back to get some Chinese food at this place that I will out this place that the Tahiti and dead of mass. And I'm telling you right now, you can't fuck with the Chinese food in Massachusetts. Oh, however far it goes, where they have a poo poo platter, they have chicken fingers, their pork spare ribs, their crab rangoon. I'm telling you, New York, you don't even know what the fuck good Chinese food is. New

York had the worst Chinese food. The dirty is goddamn fucking restaurants I've ever been to the Chinese food. Every fucking you walk in. First of all, they'd be like bulletproof glass that was all scraped up and dirty and smudged. And then there was this filthy fucking bicycle. They never mop the floor. They were the dirtiest fucking places I've ever been to in my life. You go to fucking the ones up here in Massachusetts or when I was out there in Massachusetts, dude, it was like a fucking lounge. Get a scorpion ball, right? Fucking 12 drunks with 12 straws sucking down like five different alcohols with Hawaiian punch in there. These big lounges, these fucking looking like, uh, look at that shit on the Brady bunch where they lost the Tiki

everything, but everybody fucking don't know walking by with a ukulele, which I know is Hawaiian. I don't give a fuck. It was great. Insane food. So I did this thing with the, uh, I hate when I have an early flight and I have to get, I have to fill up the tank with gas because I always end up almost missing my flight. Um, so finally I chose the full tank of gas option, which sucks because then you got to drive around on E because you don't want to get fucked because if you come back with a half a tank that's still charging you for a full tank and the fuck over extra price, you know, for a gallon of gas. So I'm driving back from, uh, New Hampshire and, uh, the fucking light is blinking that we're going to run out of gas and we already ordered food and Verzi sitting there

going, not to, we're going to make it. We're going to make it. And we pulled in, we made it, we got the food, everything was great. And I came out to start up the fucking SUV, little poor excuse for an SUV and it did the start. That's how low on gas I was. It was on fumes. And fortunately I read up a little bit on, uh, cars and I was thinking, what if I pump it a little bit and maybe I can get a few drops out of the fuel line and get across the street and it happened. Started the fucker up, you know, because my dumb ass, that's how little I knew about cars. I wouldn't, I wouldn't have stepped on the gas more. I would have thought that I just would assume there was nothing left. Um, and then we ate it. And then the next day my stomach was 10 times fucking bigger. But you

know what? I stand by it. I had a great time. Listen to Paul Verzi's podcast. I guarantee you the Verzi effect. He brings it up this week. Um, all right, let's get back to the, uh, let's do a little advertising here. A little frick, little frack here. Uh, stamps.com everybody. I've already told you how not to have to ever go and have to buy, uh, what do you call blades for your razor anymore? So already right there, that's one less trip you have to make out of the house where his, his one less trip, number two. So that would be two less trips unless you decided to go run errands and do them both at the same time. I don't know how you live your life. All right, stamps.com everybody with the summer in full swing. There are a lot of places we want to go,

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your last will, but this offer ends soon or a living trust and you'll receive a poor over will absolutely free. That's it people. You should do it. You know what? I should do it. I haven't even done it yet. Nia's been on me. You know what? I'm going to go to legal zoom just like you. Let's have a race. Who can get their will done first to get your special discount. Be sure to enter burr in the referral box at checkout for wills, powers of attorneys, trusts and more. Go to legal zoom.com. Legal zoom can provide self help services at your specific direction or connect with an attorney, but they are not a law firm. All right. There you are. There you are. Let's go back to the podcast everybody. You know what? I've been running my yep talking about myself long

enough. I have an idea. I have an idea. As they say, why don't we read a couple of letters Bulgaria? Bulgaria, everybody. That's an Eastern Europe just south of the Ukraine. Capital is, don't tell me. Ah, shit. I had this one. Is that Sophia? Was that Belarus? Look at that. I didn't polish up on them for one fucking week. No, it's Sophia. Right? Then what the hell's Belarus? Ah Christ, I can't even fucking remember anymore. What an asshole. Yeah, it is Sophia. But what's Belarus? Now I'm looking it up. Do do do do do do do do. Zippity zippa. Oh, I can't sing that song or else the ghost of a big headed mow there. He gets the money. I pass a jack with the fucks his

name. Yeah, it gives a fuck. All right, Bulgaria. I heard you mentioned Bulgaria in the last podcast. The hairs around my asshole rose up in excitement that you would visit. I checked your schedule and there are only two Euro cities listed. Go fuck yourself. You cunt. Um, despite your tone, um, despite how insulting you just were, I feel as though that, um, you really don't feel on that. I just feel you disappointed. All right. So I'm going to plow through all your anger that you just sent me and I have to ask you this. Bulgaria is one of those, those countries I don't know anything about. And as an American, if you don't know anything about the country, you have to assume that it's a dangerous place for Americans to go.

Part of that is ignorance. The other part is our foreign policy. We've pissed off a lot of people. So I have to ask you this. You seem to have command, albeit in an angry way of the English language. Could I actually go to Bulgaria and if I do, what is, what is there to do there? Is it war torn? Have you made a comeback? Let me, let me hear about Bulgaria and in general, let me hear about Eastern Europe. What's going on over there? Bosnia and Herzegovina. Slovenia, Slovakia, Hassan Fepfer, corporate. We're going to do it. Just a couple of Eastern Europe cons making beer in fucking Milwaukee. We're going to shave our mustaches for you. Potato dilemma. Hey, Billy Redface, I find myself at a big career decision

point in my life and I'm not completely sure what to do. I'm a 22 year old guy and I study languages at a university here in Finland. Oh, home of Nokia on many summers. I've worked for a potato packaging company that is owned by my father's side of the family. That's fucking awesome. See that right there? You know why that, that, that guy and his family are secure is that is about as tangible as it gets potatoes. You can hold them in your hands. You stick them in a package, right? Just like the old days. Recently, my cousin who works there regularly at works there regularly asked me whether I'd be interested in joining him and taking over the company. As the old owners, my uncles and my dad are retiring soon. I never

had much of a relationship with my dad, but he'd still likely be happy to have one of his children take over. Now, I don't really know if I should accept the offer. I would likely secure, it would likely secure me a pretty good living in my adult life, but the thought of being able to see my future laid down before me like that is a bit scary. So far, I've never really planned ahead and honestly, I ended up in the university studying English just because I didn't know what else to do. Well, you know, as far as I know about Finland over there, don't you guys pay like 90% tax, but everything's taken care of? You know, health insurance, college tuition is all paid. Hence, don't you guys have a problem over there with people like you, young people who don't know what

they want to do? Everything's taken care of. Why go out in the real world and have 90% of your check go out the window for shit that you're not going to be using unless you get a fucking hemorrhoid, right? They kind of created the terminal college student. I'm just asking. Anyways, this has led to some lack of motivations in my studies, as I don't really know where I'm going going with it at all. I just haven't had a plan. By the way, how great is this guy's English? It's better than me. I just haven't had a plan and I've always felt like a bit of an underachiever in my family. He knows the word underachiever. I know some French words. I don't know what underachiever is. It's a five syllable fucking word. I barely use that in my own language.

I applaud you, sir. With all my older siblings having gone to successful careers in education and medicine from their university studies where I've just been drifting along with no destination so far, as a regular employee, the work in the potato company has never been terribly exciting, but as the owner, I'd obviously have more control in what kinds of things I could do. There's also the possibility that I could refocus my studies into something more business-oriented, maybe taking over the marketing side of things in the future. Should I accept this offer or should I wait until I found a career path I feel more certain about? I just don't know if I'm ever going to find it. Obviously, I'm lucky to even be in this situation, but it's just a bit overwhelming

to have such a big decision to make at this age, which I haven't really thought about seriously before. Thanks. Have a good day and go fuck yourself. Dude, this decision is all going to be in your gut. You're going to have to go with your gut, dude. I can't make the decision what you should do with your life. I do feel that you should have a passion if you want to have fun at work for what you do. But if you're just floating around aimlessly, huffing out of a bong, maybe this could be a good thing for you. I'm just playing devil's advocate. I don't know what you're doing. All right. And I also imagined that, you know, if you take this and you don't like it, you could always sell your stake in it to the other person, your cousin or whatever that you're

going to go into business with. So it does give you an asset, which is something that a lot of young people don't have. It gives you a little bit of footing. I don't think it's the worst thing. I mean, I don't think potatoes are going out of style. Are they people are always going to need potatoes? I don't know. But at the end of the day, dude, you're going to have to make, you're going to have to make that decision. Personally, I would not want to be in the potato business, but I would love to grow some in my own yard. By the way, everybody, I told you about how we planted some cucumbers and tomatoes and peppers. I can't recommend it enough when they finally are ripe and you bring them in. It's, it's like fucking magic.

And I live in a climate out here where I can grow them all year round. I haven't had the tomatoes yet, but Nia picked one and sent me a video. She bit into it like an apple. And I don't know if you guys know a lot of, you know, with the tomatoes, a lot of just vegetables in general, they pick them before they're ripe and they let them ripen on the truck. But basically the second you pull it off the vine, you know, it's not getting any more nutrients. And that's why a lot of like, especially tomatoes just suck at least in this country, which is why when you order a caprese salad, you know, they have to put that balsamic vinaigrette on it to give it a little bit of a fucking, the balsamic, whatever the fuck they put on it to give it a little zip

to make up for the sugar that's not in the tomatoes. That sweet taste that's not there. The same thing when you make your pizza sauces, you got to throw some sugar in there because the tomatoes over here suck. But if you grow your own, you don't have to worry about that. The only thing you have to worry about is no one went to fucking take them off, which I fucked up with the cucumbers I took them off too soon. But it's the greatest thing ever. So getting back to the, the, what you're doing here, sir, and by the way, I'm going to have a whole fucking garden, you know, and then I figure what I'm going to use for protein is the rabbits that I killed that try and steal my vegetables. I'm going to be eating a lot of varmints, a lot of fucking

some rabbit stew, some possum soup, you know, a fucking raccoon burger, you know, a side of rabies. Yeah, dude, I would, you're 22 years old. I mean, I at 22, I really don't think you should know what the fuck you want to do with your life. Buying in on a business and some fucking old man shit, you should at least own one pair of suspenders before you make a decision like that, I would think. But I get what you're saying, like this, this, this window of opportunity might not be open when you're 23. And then what if you fucking don't find something else? You know, something dude, by the time I was 22, I knew I wanted to be a comedian. So at 22, if you don't think feel you want to be a potato farmer,

then that's probably a pretty good indication. You know, although you also have to take into effect that are taken to fucking out of the expression goes, you got to factor in the fact that I'm super imposing when I figured out what the fuck I wanted to do on to your life. Okay, some people don't figure out to their 40. So I would go with my gut. All right, and have faith in yourself as a human being that yet, you know, your life is your life, and you're on your journey. Okay. And when you meet the person you're supposed to be with, or you you meet, you you find the career you're supposed to be the job you're supposed to be doing in life, you're going to feel it. I'm telling you, when you find that in life, then you never question it.

You know, and there's this feeling of relief and excitement. You know, so unless you look at a field of potatoes growing, and it gives you a lump in your throat, because it's so goddamn beautiful to you, I don't think you want to do it. That's what my gut says. All right. But like I said, that's a huge decision. You've got to make it for yourself. Okay, I hope that helped. And go fuck yourself right back at you. And I'll be over there in December. You know what? The London dates selling really well. I know I don't have them all up there, but I don't post dates until there's ticket links, because then I got to deal with people going like, well, when the fuck it takes to go on sale? I don't know. All right. All right. Moving on.

Weight loss, everyone. Hey, Bill, just wanted to say I'm representing you here in Maine. On the last couple of the episodes, you've brought exercising and fatty. Oh, I guess brought up exercising and fatties. You forgot the up and wanted to let you know that you've given me an extra motivation to keep off the weight. I've, I've lost in nine months. I've lost a hundred pounds on the mark. Hang on a second. Good for you, sir. Good for you. That's 500 miles of capillaries. Your heart doesn't have to pump through every fucking beat anymore. I can't even remember if that's even right. Every pound of fat is five miles of capillaries. Huh? You fucking kidding me? That's why even an extra 10 pounds extra 10 pounds,

you slowly killing yourself. A hundred pounds, dude. Congratulations. He goes at 22 and at 225 pounds. I've never looked or felt any better. The question I wanted to ask you is what is your take on diets? I just control my portion sizes and layoff junk food. Also, I try to drink at least 1.5 gallons of water a day. Dude, you got to be careful with that. You can actually die from drinking too much water. 1.5 gallon. You're a big guy though. If you're fucking 225 pounds, you're still in shape. I would look into that, man. Are you sure that's how much you're drinking? Anybody listening to this? Please do not go out and drink 1.5 gallons of water in a day. You're not, you're supposed to drink

like eight glasses. And even, you got to watch out. There's something where you can literally drown yourself with the cell walls. I can't remember. They did this radio contest. Whoever could drink the most fucking water won an Xbox and some mother went in there to do it for a kid and she ended up dying. It's fucking horrific. But anyways, let's just go back to this. He goes, is that too much? I would go to a doctor on this one, buddy. He says, thanks for putting out the podcast. Definitely keeps me focused on my cardio days. Thanks. Do I believe in diets? No, I don't. I think they just make you miserable. I think it is portion control and you cut out bad foods. You just have to get through those first three,

four days to seven days where you're not craving, you're not on that soft sugar, salt, sugar, you know, back and forth junkie. Most people, even if they are in shape, like are still fighting that battle. Like I'm not in the best of shape, but I'm not in bad shape either. But I fight that all the fucking time. And I actually, you know, I got that ice cream with Verzi and the next day I was driving by it again and I had the urge to go back and get some more fucking ice cream, you know, justifying it like, well, I'm not going to be here. I don't know how many more months if I lived here, I'd go here all the time. But Bob, I said, fuck that. And I'm not going to lie to you. I'm out here wishing I did get it the second time. And but I'm glad I didn't. So

the fuck am I talking about? Yeah, I believe in portion control. Dude, if you just have like, you do the shit they say, you have a protein the size of the palm of your hand and you just have vegetables with no statues or cabs. You do that like before seven o'clock at night. Just drink water the rest of the night. No more. And then you go just go for a walk around the block before you go to bed and then don't eat again for like 12 hours until you wake up at seven again. It just sucks the first couple of nights, then your body gets used to it. So you won't be feeling those hunger pangs. And then, you know, you just keep doing that you wake up, you have fucking oatmeal. There's nowhere for the fat to go. It has to leave. It's getting

kicked out by good food. That's what I would do. And you know what I would do that I never really did? I would read up on nutrition. A great guy to actually follow on Facebook is Eddie Brill from the Dave Letterman show stand up comedian. Um, like I learned so much shit just by following him on Facebook. Like he's, he's broken it down all the way down to the bottled water that he'd rather drink out of the tap from some of the shit that he's reading about bottled water. It's amazing. But, uh, there's a bunch of stuff out there. There's other things you can do like eat, uh, eat in season. Um, go to go to farmers markets and then actually know what's in season. Like I'll tell you right

now, peaches are in season. I've never been, I never had peaches in my diet. I just started eating shit that was in season peaches in seasons are fucking unbelievable. Like if you get a peach right now, you got to eat it over the sink. It's the most insane thing ever. And one of the greatest things you could ever eat after, uh, after cardio, you know, I don't know. So wait, what am I fucking? Who's that guy with the candy stripe shorts? You know, with the tank tops and the fucking balding Afro. What the hell is his name? Richard Simmons. Well, Bill Simmons here. Oh, Bill Simmons. I'm supposed to be doing his podcast. We're, we're fucking trying to work out a date, uh, where I can come in and do his podcast. All right. A fat person saying thank you.

Look at me. I'm, I'm, I'm inspiring the fatties. Um, dear Bill, dear Billy Aaron Burr, I've been fat or obese most of my life. And I want to thank you for shaming me into losing weight and getting into shape. You see that? Shame works. Most people might get offended when you talk about fatties and gluttonous people, but I took your criticism and jokes to heart and went from 430 to 220. Wait a minute. Look at this. He did it in a little under 18 months and he goes, I'm not done yet. I'm almost 40 years old. And my goal now is to get to 180 pounds, which I haven't been since I was in the seventh grade, but I will settle for a little less than 200 pounds. Dude, you understand that you basically just saved your fucking life. If

you're 40 years old and you're 430 pounds, you're not long for this earth. Okay. And the greatest example, when was the last time you saw a 430 pounds, 70 year old? How about a 60 year old? How about a 50 year old? Have you seen even like a 50 year old? You know, you just, you can't, you can't do it. You just can't fucking do it. So good for you, man. And you know, anybody else who's fat, when I do these fat jokes, I'm rooting for you, man. I try to make everything fun. I make fun of myself for going bald, being a redheaded cunt. All right. Don't take it. I want you to lose. All right. Good for you, dude. That's insane. That's what 210 pounds. He lost a cornerback. That's unbelievable. I am almost 40 years old now.

And my goal, all right, I read that part. He goes, I feel like a new man, but what I'm most, I'm most happy about is how much my dick is growing. Wow. All right. This just took a fucking left turn. He goes, because of all of the blubber I had, I had, because all the blubber I had no idea, but it looks like I had, I have at least an eight inch cock. And that makes me a lot more confident about myself. Well, dude, how long have you been fat? You must have been fat before puberty, because you said you were, you, you were 180 pounds in seventh grade. Ah, dude, you were that kid, right? They're playing shirts and skins and you're sitting there praying, praying to God, they don't get you for skins. Ah, man, that's fucking brutal. Good for you. Look at him.

After all these years, he found his dick. That's tremendous. He goes, I know it's going to be hard, but, uh, I work out at least two hours each day and five days each week. Thanks for being a jerk off. Some people need tough love. I owe it all to you. Ah, I don't know, man. Oh, I, I got you going, but you fucking did it. You work out five, two hours each day, five days a week. Look at this, comes full circle. Now you're, uh, you're inspiring me. I was going to take today off because I flew on a plane, be a big pussy. Ooh, I flew across the country. I can't go walk around the block. Um, good for you, man. That's fucking awesome. All right. Now, now that you're actually going to live past 50, do me a favor. Speaking of 50, don't drive 50 in the fucking left lane.

All right. If you're making a left and the light turns green, get out into the intersections. So not only the guy behind you, but the guy behind him, we can all fucking make it. All right. Other than that, go back to eating Sundays because we can't use you. I'm kidding. Don't do it. All right. Hulu plus everybody. You've tried streaming hit shows on your PC on Hulu.com. Now it's time to try to start your free trial of exclusive content in your living room and on your mobile devices on Hulu plus. That's right. They've taken Hulu.com and they've taken it to another level who with Hulu plus, you get total control to watch thousands of shows, wherever you want, whenever you want, use Hulu plus on connected TVs, game souls,

game consoles, game souls. See, you notice my brain. I get too far ahead game consoles, Blu-ray players, Roku, Apple TV, PC or watch from anywhere on your smartphone or tablet on demand at all times. And with Hulu plus, you can binge on full seasons, watch your favorite current shows and even watch a full series run of classic TV shows. It's endless. They've got community, modern family, South Park, SNL, Jimmy Kimmel, Family Guy and much, much more. Hulu plus is only 7.99 per month. Everybody. All right. Less than a pack of cigarettes. But right now they are offering an extended free trial of Hulu plus that is only available to podcast listeners. Take control of your TV watching experience. Go to the podcast page at billbird.com

and click on the Hulu plus banner for your extended free trial or go to Hulu plus.com slash bill. Again, that's Hulu plus banner on the podcast page at billbird.com or go to Hulu plus.com slash bill. All right. And believe it or not that I believe that's all the advertising. All right. Did I read them all? Let's scroll through here. Yes, I did. All righty. Nothing but the jokes for the rest of the way. All right. Let's read another letter. Where are we? All right. Hypocrisy of the female gender. Oh, Jesus. Come on, guys. Come on, ladies. You know what? Women. Trash the guys. Let's have this fucking be balanced here. Fair and balanced. All right. What do we got here? Hypocrisy of the female gender. My fucking,

my batteries are going to run out here. I got to get through this one quickly. Hey, Bill. A.K.A. Bill jizzit shot during the summer. That really has nothing to do with my name. That's just sort of my first name and then a come shot. But you know, you tried. He goes, I'm in a bit of a pickle. He's got jills. He's got a phallic. Is that a vegetable? It's a pickle, a vegetable or a fruit? Well, let's see, Bill, you're planting cucumbers. It's not on a tree. It's in the ground. It's a fucking vegetable. Look at me. Mr. fucking green jeans here. Anyways, could be serious. Could be just something that'll blow over, but I'd like your opinion anyway. Here we go. A few days ago, while I was getting

a coffee, I saw my girlfriend's best friend kissing a dude that doesn't look like her boyfriend. But like the rational human being that I am, I thought I asked my girl before I jumped to any conclusion. So I asked her if her boyfriend's still her boyfriend. She said yes and asked why. She said yes and asked why. So I told her what I saw in her reaction is something I didn't expect. She went silent. So I asked her if she already knew and said, and she said yes and begged me not to tell the guy. So I said that I'd like to hear your hear this way. So I said that I'd like to hear the story first. Oh, my story first. I don't know. I'm just going to read the way I wrote it. So I said that I said that I'd like to hear the story first so I can assess

how I want to go about the situation. I'm sorry. And she refused. So I said, I guess it would be the same way if you were cheating on me, huh? You would act the same way and you two would conspire over it. And she denied that started crying and said she would never cheat on me. I told her it was fucking bullshit that she's implying that this cunt of a best friend has even the slightest legit reason to be a piece of shit. I eventually left to go get some air, though it was difficult since she caused a scene and started screaming down the hall for me. I love when they do that, right? Because the second a woman starts screaming in public, the guys like at the very least a borderline rapist.

All right. Well, so far, okay, you know, I'm going to just read the rest of this. He goes at that point, she was breaking down crying and asked me to come back, but I was fucking done. The funny thing is about this. The funny thing about this is I barely even know the guy. I met him like twice. He seems like a cool down to earth guy and all, but I don't really owe him anything yet. What's happening just triggers something in my mind. And I feel like I should tell him multiple people know his girlfriend is cheating on him. And he has no fucking clue. I really lost a lot of respect for my girlfriend, but she's always talks about loyalty and how important it is to her. And now she hates cheaters

because she knows how it feels to be on the other end. What a fucking hypocrite. When confronted with the situation head on, she just excuses it and mitigates it with secret. What? She mitigates it with secret court NSA legal reasoning. So I have to believe. Oh no. Did it cut out? Was it cutting out? Hello? Hello? Hello? Something sounds weird. I think it's still taping, right? Oh Jesus. All right. Trying to read even faster here. The fuck is going on with the sound now? Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. There we go. I'm back. And I'm back. This is the worst read ever. I'm sorry because this is very interesting. I can't even look at her or talk to her right now. Just thinking about the way she reacted

to all of this still pisses me off. So what should I do here? Do I tell him? I don't know. Maybe I should just say fuck him. He can't save the world, right? And what about my girlfriend? She's quick to say cheating is wrong until her and her group are on, are the ones doing the cheating? Am I just slowly riding along this shit to eventually, to eventual heartbreak? Help me out, Bill. You sexy beast you. All right. Well, there's a lot of variables here. It's really the cheating girlfriend has put your girlfriend in a position where she's dragged her into her shit, you know, where now she has to choose between her friendship to her and her feelings about cheating. And I imagine it's her friend. She

loves her and she doesn't want to blow up her life. I don't know. I think what really needs to happen here is you don't need to get involved. I think your girlfriend needs to go to her girlfriend and tell her the situation that her cheating has put herself in and that she needs to fucking end it with this other guy and grow up and start acting like a fucking adult because her piece of shit behavior is affecting your girlfriend's relationship. And where you never had trust issues, you now do, you know, I'm not saying that your thoughts that your current girlfriend will now cheat on you are unfounded, but there's two sides to loyalty too, where, you know, you can help your friend move a body, you know, there's people like that,

like, you know, this cheater might be stringing your girlfriend along going, I know, I'm just confused right now. I'm sorry. I just need, I feel like you need something different, but I still love Mike and I'm trying to, I'm just doing a little dick shopping. I'm sorry. I had to see it. It's like the cock farmers market, whatever the fuck she's saying, right? Fuck her friend. I feel bad for the other dude. What are you going to do? I would just sit down with your girlfriend and just be like, look, this is what this is what has to go down. All right. You know, whatever the fuck I just said, you need to go talk to your girlfriend and tell her that she needs to fucking clear up her situation because it's affecting my relationship.

Okay, grow up, break up with this other fucking guy, you know, and get on with your life. That's what I would suggest. And, and, but I don't think you're wrong to now be looking at your girlfriend like what the fuck. And I never believe when a woman cries when you call them out on shit. I never do because I don't believe that I don't believe the crying as a rule because they can cry on cue like Meryl Streep, you know, um, they just, they just have access to that emotion and it automatically makes them the victim. It makes you feel like you're a bully. I think you're 100 right to feel the way you did. You might have gone out or a little too strong. I give you an option. I hope it works out for you. In the meantime, do you think you're going to marry this girl?

Because if you don't, you're just wasting time. And this is a great fucking jump off point to get the fuck out of it. You know, NFL football starts next month, that money you're spending on her going to the movies would look very nice with the NFL package. You got a lot of options here, sir. Good luck to you. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Thank you for everybody came out to my shows. I really appreciate it. And thank you to everybody in the red state tour for being patient. I'm definitely getting out there. I'm still bringing the t-shirts. I'm still doing the shows. I'm just not doing them all at once like I wanted to. I don't get to drive across to great state of Montana, but I get to see some of it. I drive from Boise over. And I still get

to go to Deadwood. I just have to figure out when I'm going to do it. But I'm definitely coming. And I apologize for the reschedule just something beyond my control. So I couldn't say no, I had to do it. I mean, I mean, who the fuck am I, right? I get eight lines in a movie. If I get a bigger part, I got to take it. All right. So this is not the last time this will happen. But I promise you guys, if I ever move a date, I will always make it up. I don't say, Hey, fuck that city. Because I know how this business works. You can get all the way up to winning an Oscar. And three years later, you're in a movie about talking babies, right? I don't want to do that shit. And if I fuck over Kansas city, then they're not going to come out to my show. So I don't take you

guys for granted. All right. And with that, here's the outro. Now the show's over. Don't forget to support our sponsors. All the shit that I read this week. Get started with a free 30 day trial of E voice gives you that toll free number. You take care of business wherever you want. So you sound like one of the big boys. You can go to the podcast page and click on the E voice banner. You got Hulu plus start watching TV shows the way you want to right now, wherever the hell you want to watch it, watch entire episodes, entire seasons, you know, everything, but other than how the frigging television was event invented, go to Hulu plus.com slash bill or go to billbird.com on the podcast page and click on the Hulu plus banner. And if you want high quality

razors, go to dollarshaveclub.com. And that is it everybody. That's the podcast for this week. God bless you. Go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you next week.