Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-15-19

Episode Date: July 15, 2019

Bill rambles about unruly comedy club guests, the blackout, and levels of British-ness.

Ikea, tip of the week. If you'd like to get a gift, you can count on us. Because until April 15th, Ikea family members will get a free children's menu at the purchase of a warm meal for adults. Ikea It really isn't half over, but everybody considers that the summer is over at the end of August, like that's the end of it, like you're still in school. You know, like you can't put the boat in the water in September.

What are you talking about? This is the golden age of global warming. You can fucking water ski to like October 1st. Yeah, enjoy it. Enjoy the warm water before it evaporates everybody. That's what I say. Get out there, put some gas in your boat. Let that oil trickle out in the water.

Let them fish know that you were there. You know, couldn't just do it like the Native Americans. Couldn't just make a nice fucking little boat and just paddle along nice and quiet. Sneak up on a fucking badger or a fucking, what's in the water? A badger. What are those things? They look like badges, but they got flat tails. Beaver.

Beaver? Can't fucking do that. Nope. No, I got me. Got me about two big Chevy big block outboard motors. Get me up about 85 mile an hour. Tell you what, people get the fuck out of my way when I come in. I come in doing like 30 miles an hour, bump your shit all up against the dock.

I don't, what? Fucking what? Um, anyways, the summer is like half, it's not halfway open. You know, I'm sitting here and I'm talking, right? As I do. And I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. Uh, when is the summer? Dumbest question.

Friday, June 21st until September 23rd. Well, how many, wait, how many would have even fucking that close yet? Here I am blowing the whistle here. Getting everybody panicked like the cop and jaws. Get out of the water. Get out of the water. Uh, how many days in summer? The length of Estromble seed varies between 80, 90, 93 days.

Ah, Jesus fucking Christ. So now what do I do? I got to go back and I got to look up June 21st. June 21st to September 23rd. How many days is that? Well, I can do that in my head. That's, uh, 40 days. The end of, uh, July.

Then there's another 30. That's 71 days plus 23. 71 and 23 is fucking 95. Shit, it's just beginning. Fuck that. Put your feet up. Have a good time. Get yourself, uh, one of those fucking awful American beers

that they squeeze lime into for you. Get yourself a bud lime. Um, well, there's one of the person who will never be advertising here on the podcast, bud, wiser, lime. I like the, I like the original Budweiser best. You know, no offense to Latino community out there. I'm not into the bud light. Um, all right, plowing ahead here.

Uh, I had a great week, you know, another week of the movie week seven begins today. Oh, Billy fucking, uh, Thespian here. Oh, Billy Shakespeare here. I got today off. I ain't doing shit. And, um, actually this Thursday, I also have off on the movie and I'm going into a edit room and I'm looking at my special to see if it's going to have the right look and the right sound. Other than that, all the cuts have been made.

Everything's ready to go. And I'm hoping, I'm hoping that that thing will come out sometime, you know, before the end of the summer. Right. And I've been having such a great time, uh, working out this new hour. You know, with some hiccups here and there, you know, I was do, I did some stand up at this club. Last week and I was telling this story where this lesbian just like went out of her way to fucking bump into me. And, uh, you know, there was some, I guess gay women in the crowd or allies. I don't know what they were, but God forbid I tell that fucking story.

Right. And they got all fucking pissed off, you know, and, you know, I guess they talked to each other because they both immediately started yelling at the same time. See, you know me, you know me when there's a situation like that. I do everything I can to diffuse it because I'm an adult and they started yelling, yeah, let's be a darn man. What are you fucking? Oh shit. And I just said, hey, shut the fuck up.

That's what I began with. I forget what I say to set in the middle, but then they were leaving. I was like, oh, white women are leaving. Everybody care. Oh my God. They're packing up when they're leaving. Right. So they fucking leave and they go downstairs and I get off stage and I rumor has it.

They're at the bar and it was raining out that night and I wore a raincoat. All right. I'm not into umbrellas umbrellas. The only way umbrella works is if it's a light rain falling straight down. Other than that, only thing an umbrella does is it keeps from the bridge of your nose up dry. The rest of you is different degrees of wet. If you mean knees down is soaked. Right.

From your knees to about your waist is medium. And then, you know, your shirt, you're just chilly. I get a raincoat fucking hangs down to the knees. Cavs and, you know, from calves down still gets soaked. Okay. And I put the fucking hood up. So anyways, I'm walking out and I know those just, you know, these fucking women are there. You know, in defense of them, it was a woman show, I think slash gay show.

I wasn't really sure I was on stage and there was like paper cutouts of dicks, penises, whatever you call. So at that point it's like, okay, it's going to get a little handy. It's going to get a little hamburger hairy here. Okay. I get it. But I'm still just going to do my shit, you know, and considering these are two groups of people, the vibe here that have been oppressed, you know, for expressing themselves.

Clearly they'll be open minded to me doing the same, right? Not what that was not the case. You know, it's funny when they left the whole crowd was jump like, because they're like, you're not funny. I'm like, what are you talking about? The whole place is laughing and everybody laughs. So then they get up and fucking leave, make a big fucking scene. So then I say, are you guys all having a good time?

Yeah, you all think you guys think this is funny, right? And they're like, yeah. So I go, all right, well, then make sure on Monday, make sure on Monday, you know, when they hashtag me and try to get me in trouble and you guys all keep your mouth shut that you feel a certain level of shame about it. Then they started imitating them, you know, peeking over the walls of their cubicles being like, is it over yet? Is it over?

So I'm having a great time. So I get off stage and all these years of being a comedian, I know good and goddamn well that whenever somebody gets kicked out of a comedy club, that just means they're just on the other side of the door and there's a good chance that they've actually walked back in because that's the level of security in a comedy club. They kick them out right to the other side of the door and then the bouncer just turns his back and goes, well, that's all settled. And then the person just walks back in the amount of fucking times that happened to be

back in the day when I was selling a CD compact disc to all you youngsters out there after my show and somebody I would get into it and it would escalate to the point of almost a fight and then don't worry, we kicked the guy out and then I'd be fucking selling CDs and who the fuck is standing in the line? Funny as shit ever, right? Dumb drunk, you know, sees a line in front of the guy wants to punch in the face. So he stands in line to punch me in the face, right? You know, it's already going to commit battery, not assault, right?

Assault is threatening. It's the threat that the punch is going to be thrown. Battery is the actual hit as far as I know. A lot of people think assault is hitting somebody. Let's look that one up, huh? It might differ from state to state. I know there's a lot of ins and outs and there's probably a lot of fucking little lawyers out there going to try to difference between assault and battery.

The main difference between battery, a battery charge and assault charge is the actual presence of harm and the threat of harm. Yeah, battery is the presence of harm. You punch somebody in the face and there's a little bruise there and there's a little cheekbone. The threat of harm is I'm going to fucking kill you or you're, I don't know, waving a gun around. I don't know what it is. Someone can only be charged with battery if they have caused real physical harm to someone

while a person can be charged with assault if the mere threat of harm is present. That must be, you slipped the punch. So anyways, I put on my raincoat. I zip it up. I button it on top of that, right? No rain getting in on my fucking torso. So I put the hoodie up and I walk upstairs and I mean downstairs and I am informed that the fucking loud who is at the bar.

So I just keep my head down and I fucking walk right by the bar and I think I'm in the clear. I go to get outside. It's fucking human as shit. I take the hood off and all of a sudden I hear the same two fucking voices screaming and yelling. I just told them to go fuck themselves. I really did.

I did. I mean, I'll have a conversation if you want to, but if that's the way you're going to come at me, you're going to get the same level of respect that you show on me, which is absolutely nothing. And here's the thing. I'm just working the story out. There's going to be some fucking potholes, right? Let me tell you something else about those two fucking allies or lesbians, whatever.

If I went up there and just started saying that Trump has sex with his own son or something crazy about people on the right, they would have been giving me a standing ovation. So there really isn't anything about stereotypes or anything like that. What it really is about is about them and their fucking little kitchen of shit that they feel is beyond reproach. So fuck them. All right? As I've maintained, if you want to control what a comedian says, do not go to a comedy

club. All right? Have a private party, hire a comic with a list of topics that are off limits and the rest of the shit that you can talk about, then you can complain. Other than that, shut the fuck up. That's how I look at it. You know? Not saying you can't heckle.

All right? Not saying you can't heckle. But when you're saying, you know, you're not even funny while I'm in the middle of killing, what you should say is, we don't find you funny. Whatever. I don't give a fuck. Now I'm telling you what to say. Say whatever the fuck you want to say.

So the very next night, I go out and I do the same bit. I add two little adjustments to it. It all goes fucking smoothly. And this time I'm down in the village, you know, right near NYU. It's like beyond liberal and the whole fucking thing kills. So I'm feeling great about that. Then I'm on stage and I was doing the abortion bit. And at one point I look over and I see this guy who's laughing so hard.

He literally has like his head in his hands and he's shaking his head. And it's literally every reason why you become a comedian. It's for that fucking laugh. And I couldn't tell if he was laughing like finally somebody is saying what I think on this subject or I can't believe he just said that. I don't know what it is, but this guy was laughing so hard and was having such a good time. He actually made me laugh.

It was like perfect, which then made me go even farther and I riffed this other line and then I heard this comedian Greer Barnes, who's one of my favorite comics of all time and also one of the most difficult comics I've ever tried to follow. I made him laugh with that line and that was it. There was literally the entire fucking reason I ever got up to do standup. Make people die laughing in the crowd and then have comics that I love and respect. Laugh at my jokes and think that I'm funny. That was it.

That was it right there. That's why I did it. Not to get in arguments with fucking assholes in the crowd. That's not why I did it. Did it? Do it. So I had the perfect night and I was doing a bunch of sets because I had to get ready because Dave Chappelle is in town doing a two week run at a Broadway theater.

Sold out wire to wire. And I was going to get to do standup on Broadway. So, you know, I'm walking over there with my lovely wife and a buddy of mine and we fucking get over to the theater. There's all these people in the streets too. I'm just like, Jesus, what the fuck are all these people doing in the street? This is so crowded. And I made a comment about how crowded Times Square is compared to 10 years ago.

And my buddy's like, I don't know. You look back those old time pictures, there's a bunch of people in the streets. And it's just like, yeah, but there weren't this many. You know, and also 10 years ago, there weren't that many. And he goes, no, there weren't. It's like, well, I don't know. 20 years ago there wasn't any argues with me that there were. And I was like, dude, 20 years ago when I first came at 25 years ago,

it was still sort of taxi driver. You know, jerk off shops down there in Times Square. There wasn't like the fucking M&M store with the peeps show in the lobby. You know, that you had to walk by and people fucking jerking off. And that guy with the fucking, the guy on cleanup duty and all of that shit. It wasn't like that. And it's just, there was all of these fucking people. I have heard that the population has gone up by like a million people

in the last 25 years over here. But anyway, we got our answer when we got to the theater and they opened the door and it was like pitch black in there. And they said, there's a power outage on this side of Broadway. It was so crazy. The West, the East side of Broadway was totally lit up. Everything looked normal. And then the West side was totally dark.

And I got this really cool picture that I ended up taking, put it up on my Instagram of Times Square where half of it is lit up like it always is in the other half. It's just blank screens. So we go in there and there's all these comics and shit. Some of them are going to be on the show. Some of them are just hanging out. We're all in there with like our fucking cell phones with the flashlights. And we just, I just sort of walked out on the stage to look at it

and they had the emergency lights on, which was really cool. I saw this beautiful theater was 730. And I was just thinking like, all right, it's 730. You know, the show doesn't start too late. They're going to figure something out. There's too much money to be, that's being lost right now that there isn't some sort of emergency generator or some shit that's going to happen. And then it was 745.

And then it was five of eight. And then at eight o'clock, somebody just said, all right, in 815, if these aren't on officially, we have to call it. And I just started getting this sinking feeling that I was not going to be able to do a set and then get to watch the master himself, Dave Chappelle do 90 minutes, two hours, whatever he was going to do. And lo and behold, 815 came around. The lights didn't come on.

So I did not get to open for Dave. Did not get to tell my dick and shit jokes on Broadway. And yeah, and I didn't get to watch Dave most importantly, because Dave, like at this point, literally like transcends stand up. It's it's its own deal, you know. So now we're like, ah, fuck. So then we all go outside. And there's just a group of us comics and shit.

And now there's just people walking in the streets. It's like bedlam on the west side, right? And the buddy goes, let's walk this way. And he's pointing west further into the blackout to try and get a cab. And it's like, no, dude, let's go to East where there's still civilization. Lights are on and because the lights are on, people are not walking in the streets and they're abiding by the law. So we got over there and we walked over to about 6th Avenue and we get over to 6th Avenue

and my buddy goes, let's keep going and go to 5th Avenue and try and get a cab. I'm like, don't you think everybody's doing that right now? The cars are moving. So we fucking make a quick plan. Let's just go down to the cellar. So we all walked like 50 blocks down to the comedy cellar. Just laughing and telling stories and just had like ended up having like the best time walking all the way down there.

Fortunately, my wife had wore some comfortable shoes, even though she still looked like a knockout. She had the comfy shoes on. And because ladies, you know, you have to have a little bit of pain to look good. Sorry. So we all just walked down. What was it? 6th Avenue? Oh, did we go down Broadway?

No, we ended up going down Broadway at Macy's. We switched to Broadway and then we just went all the way down. Switched to 5th Avenue, 23rd Street, went right down to fucking Washington Square Park, walked around the block and we got down there and Chappelle was on stage. He ended up bringing me up. I had another great time. It wasn't Broadway, but it was still fun and we just hung out. And it ended up being a great thing anyways because my lovely wife used to work on Tough Crowd

so she knows all those guys and they all hadn't seen her in a minute. So she ended up having a good time. And it ended up being great. And then Bobby Kelly, the greatest guy ever, ended up giving us a ride back uptown. And it was one of those New York nights. So anyway, what do we got here? How much time? Was it time for the fucking advertising here?

Look at that, 19 fucking minutes, just babbling on and babbling on. You know what I have been talking, been totally getting into was reading this Ken Stable book because it's getting me totally back into like the 70s NFL. That was my favorite time ever. And there was all these great defense nicknames back then. I never knew that the Raiders, their secondary was called the Soul Patrol. I had never heard that. That was the, I guess because it was all black secondary, which was that like a big deal back then?

I don't know. I don't know. Jack Tatum, Willie Brown, Skip Thomas, aka Dr. Death, Jack Tatum, the assassin, old man Willie Brown, and George Atkinson. And so I actually looked up to see if they made a t-shirt that had Soul Patrol on it. I mean, that would be fucking great. But the only thing they have is they have this really weird Raider jersey that it just says Soul Patrol and then has all their numbers.

It just doesn't look good. Looks like an old person's phone where the numbers are gigantic, you know, and they would push the buttons back in the day. So I came across this website and they were talking about all the great nicknames. Of course, Doomsday and Steel Curtain are the two greatest. Then Purple Peep, as far as I'm concerned, then the Purple Peep leaders. Doomsday Defense was the Dallas Cowboys. The Steel Curtain was the Super Steelers that won four Super Bowls, unheard of.

Doubled the Green Bay Packers at that point. The Dolphins and anybody else would want to at that point. And what else did they have? It just kind of drops off the Killer Bs, which was the Dolphins defense that had all those guys with the same last name began with the B. Monsters of the Midway is a great one for the Chicago Bears. But I heard they actually took, they appropriated that name from a college team out there in Illinois. I can't remember the other ones, but the one that I came across,

they had the 1977 Atlanta Falcons called the Grits Blitz. And then I saw these articles that were saying that the 1977 Atlanta Falcons was actually the greatest defense ever. And statistically, the way they were presenting the numbers, it held up over the 85 Bears or say the 2000 Ravens were the comparisons. But what they didn't take into consideration was a 14 game seed. They only went seven and seven. I guess their offense was completely anemic. I'm not saying they weren't great, but to say they're the greatest of all time.

You look at their schedule, they played in the NFC West. They played the 49ers and the Saints four times. And both those teams were fucking horrific. And then on top of that, eight out of their 14 games were against teams with losing records. So, and then you also combine the fact with like, I don't know, just all the rule changes for offense and all of that crap. The 85 Bears, and I guess to make it fair, the 85 Bears and the 2000 Ravens would not put up the same numbers.

But I don't, it's always hard, but it's a great argument that they're making. And it also shines light on a forgotten, incredible defense that put up statistically the best numbers of all time in a 14 game season. I think that's a big thing when you don't, when you go to 16 games, that should be, you know, the same way the NFL doesn't count NFL championships for some reason versus Super Bowls. I think that they, there should be a different time for like 14 game season versus a 16 game season. And then also how much the game has changed.

And it's just all about offense, how much they throw the ball. I was actually reading in that Ken stable book he was talking about, he had a game where he threw 47 times and he goes, and you know, anytime you have to throw the ball at many times, you're not going to win, which is hilarious because that's exactly how the game is played now. And if you go to the NFL encyclopedia, whatever the NFL reference, whatever the fuck it is to show you how much the game has changed. If you look up the top like 50 running backs of all time,

there's only like four or five active guys. And if you look up the top like 50 passers of all time, five of the top eight all time are still active. Number one is still playing and like, and then two of the other guys in the top eight are Peyton Manning, who retired in 2015 and Brett Farve, who retired in 2010. So you're talking about like basically six of the top eight, five of the top eight are still playing,

and six of the top eight were still playing as of 2010. It just goes to show you how much the game has changed. But it's actually a really interesting thing to look up that 1977 Atlanta Falcons defense, because it somehow escaped me. There was no ESPN back then. Also, I started watching football in 77. I was in third grade, and I think I started watching in like the playoffs. I remember the playoffs that year.

Remember Tampa, I want to say made the playoffs one of those years, and they beat like the Rams nine to nothing or lost to the Rams nine to nothing. Maybe that was seven to 79. It's fucked how I can remember that, but I can't remember a movie. I literally just saw like how it ends over the name of somebody who's in it. All right, let's do a little bit of advertising here. Shall we? Oh, no, what is this?

What is this? This is not the right stuff. I got the wrong advertising here. Hang on a second. God damn it, Bill. What is wrong with you? Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Is this the one? Oh, here it is. Here it is.

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Jesus. So they know our show sent you. That's SimplySafeBird.com. Sorry. Don't worry. Even though wooly mammoths have been extinct for tens of thousands of years, with the Metaverse, students will be able to go back to the Ice Age to visit them. The Metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real.

Learn more at meta.com. Okay, here we go. Stamps.com. No one really has time to go to the post office. You're busy. Who's got the time for all that traffic, parking, lugging all your mail and packages? It's a real hassle, man. Well, we should have more time with all the technology.

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I believe it is. Alright, Tinfoil Hat Podcast. Dear Billy, right on red. Love it. A year or so ago, I started listening to Sam Tripoli's Tinfoil Podcast while looking for more podcasts on your network. The All Things Comedy Network. And by the way, thank you to everybody that watched Ian Edwards stand up special on Comedy Central. It was a big hit. The ratings were awesome. Please look for it online at ComedyCentral.com.

Okay, one of the finest things I remember him talking about being Sam Tripoli about was the Epstein pedophile guy, and how it was fucked up that he never went to jail for a bunch of stuff he got caught for. I was listening at work, so I had plenty of time to Google and confirm that even a year ago, there was enough evidence to fry this guy in the chair. Yeah, rich people who have their own islands, they don't go to jail. One day I brought it up to some co-workers during a conversation about how rich people don't go to jail unless other rich people want them to. Isn't that the truth? And they laughed this off like it couldn't be true, because the official story is always the story according to these guys,

meaning the guys protecting the person. Cut to last Friday, I reminded them that they said there's no way a well-known billionaire could ever evade heinous crimes like that. One of the reasons was, quote, why wouldn't any news anchor want to be the one to break that news and get all the attention? Maybe because they don't actually decide what they report. Anyway, go fuck yourself and do the Chip Chipperson podcast while you're in New York, please. I would love to do that. I was hoping you were going to say what your friend said when you said that you were right. Yeah, absolutely. They don't go to fucking jail.

I don't understand people that just sort of believe in the whole, like they believe that the system is not that certain people don't have advantages. I don't understand that on any level, any level whatsoever. And the thing about it is, is regular people walking around, like if there's a long line outside the club, okay, but you know the bouncer, or you know somebody who works there, or your friend knows somebody, you're going to get in. You're not going to have to wait in the line like everybody else, you know how that works. That little, that simple example goes all the way up to ridiculous levels of power.

They know somebody inside and then they're not going to get fucking punished. You know, if you're a billionaire and you have your own island and you're a fucking pedophile, how you stay out of jail is you just donate to fucking politicians' campaigns. Give money to the cops, you just do shit like that. And then they don't want to bite the hand that feeds and then they fucking look the other way. That's how it works. I know I'm overly simplifying it, but yeah. I mean, that guy, I don't know, I mean, I actually think putting him to death would be too fucking good for him.

Those people should just be shot in the street like fucking dog. Well, you don't want other people to see him be traumatized by seeing somebody get their brains blown out. But no, that guy should have to beg for mercy the way his victims did. And then he should be shown the same mercy that he showed those kids. Like those people who do that, you know, light them on fire. I'm okay with that. All right. Sorry. How do you get back to the comedy there?

I've been addicted to, I got back into watching American Greed. When we were turned on American greed, they always have to do like the opposite. He was setting sail to have a vacation in the only continent he had never been to Antarctica. But things were about to heat up. It's always that. As he rode the elevator up to the penthouse, his personal life was about to come crashing down. American Greed. You know, when you watch American Greed, you really get annoyed by the Americans who are greedy.

But after a while, you watch that show long enough, you're like, wow, there are a lot of fucking stupid people out there. I met him and he seemed real nice. And then, you know, he paid for my wild wings and then asked me if I could give him $10,000. And he seemed so nice. He was calling me miss and ma'am. And he paid for my buffalo wings. So I gave him $10,000. Came back a week later, wanted another $10,000.

When I said no, he just started yelling at me, tearing up my fucking house. When we were turned. All right, fuck motorcycles. All right, this sounds like it's gonna be about as open-minded as my opinion. Hey, Reddy Mercury. One of my friends actually said, Reddy Mercury took it to another level. Long time fan, blah, blah. Bill, I loved your topic on motorcycles.

And I, by the way, ammo, I love fucking motorcycles. All right, I watched another one of those MotoGPs. I finally watched that whole race where Jorge Lorenzo took out. What did he take out? He took out Valentino Rossi, David Cioso, and Maverick. What's his face there? The guy who's been T-boned like fucking four races this year. Was it Maverick Venez?

I don't know fucking say that. I don't know. Why do I try? Vinales, right? Vignette, I don't know. I'm too white to say pronounce his name right yet. I'll get it. I'll get it.

I watched that race. And still, it was exciting. Even though, you know, Marc Marquez was out in front in a Formula One kind of way where the race was fucking over unless he just wiped out like he did in Austin, Texas. It was still exciting watching people fighting for the second, third, and fourth positions. All sort of passing going on. It was still a great race. I felt bad for the people that were there because I imagined most of them were fans of those

four fucking people that were now out of the race immediately. I mean, it's within like the first 10 laps that it happened. Oh, by the way, congratulations to Lewis Hamilton being the first Formula One driver ever to win the British Grand Prix six times. And of course he gets like the level of fucking like racism is back the way cocaine is. Racism, like cocaine is back. Like really over like people in the press just asking like all kinds of just fucking racist. They were questioning his level of Britishness.

It's like, where was he born? Great Britain. Oh, there you go. Where did he grow up? Great Britain. There you go. What is the question? Oh, he's got too much of a tan for you because he lives in Monaco or some shit like most of

the race car drivers. And there's all kinds of British people that live in fucking Spain and France and all of that shit. It's just so fucking ugly. They just can't handle the fact that somebody who isn't white broke a fucking record to this fucking day. It's like, will Chamberlain still play it? I don't know.

Disappointing. I did like what what's his face teammate there said. He's like, dude, we all fucking live in Monaco. Well, Terry Botos evidence teammates back. That's a good thing. Anyway, where was I? We're talking motorcycle, but I do love motorcycles and that, you know, when people on motorcycle 100% of the time are blaming the way people drive and then they don't look at a lot of

their peers the way they ride on motorcycles and, you know, the amount of fucking laws they break every quarter mile. It's a little ridiculous. All right. It's like a mercury longtime fan, blah, blah, blah. Bill, I loved your topic on motorcycles. I've ranted and raved about those stupid fucking driving 120 miles, stupid fucks driving 120 miles per hour, weaving in and out of traffic, then having the balls to bitch and make watch

out for motorcycle t-shirts, stickers, and you name it. How about you guys drive like responsible drivers and maybe you wouldn't die. All right. Now, you know, there's a point to be made with what you're saying there. There is a lot. They act like motorcyclists when they bring up that, you know, telling you to look out for riders, which you should certainly do. They act like, you know, 99% of the time it's the guy in the car's fault.

What you have to understand if you're riding a motorcycle is that people just can't fucking see you. You know, nobody's trying to fuck up their own car. So when somebody pulls out in front of somebody that's on a motorcycle, it's because they can't fucking see it's inherently fucking dangerous, which by the way, for all you non motorcycle riders, that's why motorcycles are so loud. For all you fucking hipster nerd douches out there who like think it's, you know, it's because of some underlying insecurity that they have to be so fucking loud.

That's because you can't see them and they don't want to die. All right. Not saying that there's not insecure people on motorcycles sometimes, but there's also plenty of insecure people driving cars who don't have the balls to ride a motorcycle. All right. So anyway, how about you guys drive like responsible drivers and maybe you wouldn't die? Well, that's not 100% true. They would still die because people don't drive.

They should be responsible driving on both sides. Anyways, he goes, I'm not talking about the Harley riders. It's those douchebags on the fucking bikes that go way too fast. Yeah. Okay. I agree with this who drive like an arrogant prick weaving through all of us trying to drive home from work. It's scary to see them zipping past you because one mistake by you and they're dead and you

have to face the consequences of their reckless actions. Yeah. If somebody, they come flying by and then they run into you. I would not want to have one of those guys and one of those fucking Japanese super bikes. He boned me on my driver's side door. I just don't think my crumple zones are going to save me from significant, if not fatal injury because at the end of the day, those bikes weigh, I don't know how much they weigh, 400, 500 pounds coming at you a hundred miles an hour.

I don't think my door is going to be able to handle that. Anyways, he says, that's my piece. Thanks for listening. Go fuck yourself. PS, can you tell us the name of the movie you're doing yet? Would love to check it out. Well, it's not out yet and it just has a working title. You know, in a perfect world, like they'd have like, I would say car and truck roads

and then motorcycle roads and then a bike lane. We could all stay away from each other, but I would be just as afraid to ride in an all motorcycle lane because then I think that those people who ride like lunatics amongst cars would be even more fucking arrogant. I don't know. It's not even arrogant. What it is is it's just, it's a young person brain where you just feel like it's not going to be you.

I'm not going to be the one that dies or gets fucked up or loses a leg or something like that and yeah, I don't know. But having said that, I absolutely, absolutely fucking love motorcycles and I wish that they were safer. If they were, I would ride one or I wish I lived in a place in the middle of nowhere where I could actually ride and not feel like, you know, I don't just even just riding one in general. It's just even a straightaway, the speed limit is so fucking dangerous.

Like you ever just think about how fucked up it is that when you're driving down the street because the rules of the road and that yellow line painted in the middle that like you're driving like whatever 50 miles an hour, the other person's driving 45 50 and you guys pass each other head on going the exact opposite direction that close going around turns and all of that. And it all works because you maintain the rules of the road. But if you were on an unmarked like just parking lot and you're both driving like that, you'd both slow down like, whoa, whoa, what is this guy doing?

What is this guy doing? But you kind of take that for granted and you get the fact that people text now. This is why I got rid of the motorcycle I had for probably about six weeks, maybe two months is I was riding down Santa Monica Boulevard, scared to death by the way. And I got out to near where the Playboy mansion used to be and I was going around a turn and this guy was coming around the turn too fast and he was like on the double line and I was towards the double line because you kind of have to pick a side because in the middle of the road is where all the fucking transmission fluid oil and shit from cars leaks and you

could wipe out in a turn. So I was leaning into the turn and he came over. So it just felt like his car was going to hit my head. So I had to stand the bike up for like a split second, but it felt like fucking 20 seconds in a turn and then I had to lean again and I was thinking I was getting into that oil and I was going to go sliding into these fucking trees. I went from am I going to fucking lose my head to am I going to have my leg ripped off and then slam into these trees and get paralyzed in like about a second and a half.

And I didn't happen, fortunately. And then I rode the bike all the way to the beach. We stopped to get some food or something. I got off the bike and I was shaking just ever so like just a little bit. And I was thinking like, all right, is that from the vibration of the bike? What the fuck's going on? And I was like, oh, no, that's because I'm scared shitless. So we finished eating.

I got back on the bike and I said a prayer, which I never do. I was just like, God, if you fucking get this me and this bike back in one piece, I promise you I will never ride this thing again. And I didn't. I got it into the garage and I just said, fuck it, like this isn't for me. I am not a there's a certain type of personality. I just I don't know. I like playing drums.

I need my legs. Okay. I got to chase my kid around. I can't do this. I'm a stand up comedian. Okay. I can't come hobbling on fucking stage and I just like, I can't fucking do this. But I would be lying to you if I told you that I didn't miss it every time I saw one

like, uh, I actually remember Chapelle telling me when he found out that I was started was starting to ride. He was very excited and he asked me, have you ridden a Ducati yet? And I said, no, he said, dude, I'm telling you, you ride one of those things. You'll never ride another bike. And it's to this day, it bugs me. I'd never ridden a Ducati. And I will someday, but I will ride one in a track where there's no other cars.

Um, I mean, maybe that's the way to do it. But I think you would just get sick of it after a while. Like if you just put it on a trailer or the back of your truck and just brought it to a track, you rode around, but then you have to deal with everybody had a track riding like fucking lunatics where I just want to sort of cruise around. We were going into a turd. Um, I don't know. I'll figure it out someday.

I'll figure it out. Uh, all right. U.S. out of cash. Hey, Billy bankrupt. Good news and bad news. Good news. You were right. Bad news.

Well, the U.S. Treasury announced this week that we could run out of cash by September. I also read that the U.S. budget deficit is at minus 23% so we can't afford what it'll cost to run the country when they balance the books at the end of the day. Uh, can't wait to get my hands on those freshly printed $3 bills. They'll print to take our attention away from it. Uh, yeah, this happens every single year. Um, it is. It's a fucking Ponzi scheme and we're all tied into it.

Like I don't know what's going to happen, but, uh, you know, what should happen is it should go bankrupt. All the people that got us to this point should go to jail and we should start over again and we should have a system set up where this can't happen again and, uh, you know, from what I used to read on it. Once you had the Federal Reserve and that our money was being printed by a private corporation, um, it was inevitable that someday this day was going to fucking happen. And the only thing that I can say, the only positive thing that I can say is that I don't

think that, you know, the Federal Reserve wants to destroy this country unless you believe in the new world order, which is a fucking pipe dream. But I wouldn't underestimate them trying to go after that. There's no way you're going to get everybody in the world on the same fucking page. Okay. You can't even get the Middle East on the same fucking page was what the fuck we've been trying to do. The same page being our page, which yeah, why, why wouldn't they go for that?

Hey, you should live the way we say you should live and then we should control your natural resources. All right, girlfriend's pet. Oh boy. What does she have? What does she have? She got one of those little dogs. Fucking yipping at you.

All right. Girlfriends pet. Hey, Bill, love the podcast. Always good for a laugh. I'm a 20 year old man and I got this girlfriend. I got this girlfriend. You already sound like you're out the door. You don't.

I don't have a girlfriend. I got this girlfriend. Like I got this problem. I love her very much. Okay. Okay. I guess I was wrong. Her pet bird, not so much.

You see this bird, bird is small, only a parakeet, but it, it sure is aggressive towards me and anyone but her and her mother. So aggressive that even being in the same room makes it dive bomb me almost every time I'm there. It bites her even sometimes and draws blood. Well, put the thing in a fucking cage. Anyways, now I kind of like this bird, even though it fucking hates me. We lay in bed and watch TV together.

The girl, the bird and me, now Jesus, not just the bird and I. Okay. Cool. Now I don't want to be a cunt and tell her that she needs to put the bird away while we are hanging out, but it starts to get out of hand. So far so that she starts to cry whenever I suggest some alone time with just us. She cries over that what that's fucking weird. I would slowly back out of the room be like, Hey, I'm going to go get some bird seed.

I'll see you later. That's it. Yeah, dude. That's fucked. That's, that is, that is bizarre. Now this girl whom I love is very sensitive and emotional and I'm an angry ass. Oh boy. So your advice about screaming in the car as I go home usually works, but this is where

I draw the line. She has told me multiple times that if she has to pick between me or the bird, it's the bird every day of the week. Well, there you go. There's your answer. You can't get mad at honesty, sir. You just have to act accordingly. This pisses me off.

How can she choose that fucking animal over me? I get it. She loves it. But I'm her boyfriend. Yeah. And you're also not trying to hurt the bird. The bird's trying to hurt you, but I'm her boyfriend and over a year and I'm honestly insulted.

So Bill, how do I ask her to just put the bird away for a little while every day so that we can hang out on our own? Anyways, thanks a lot, Bill, and come to South Dakota sometime. This is what I would do. I'd stop going over there and just say, listen, I respect the fact that you love that bird so much. Okay. I respect your wishes.

Okay. But I also respect my own well-being and I don't want to, you know, if I had an animal that was hurting you, there would be no question it would not be in the room if you came over. Okay. I've asked you nicely. You don't want to do it. I respect that. So if you want to hang out with me, come over my place.

Leave the bird at home. All right. If you ever want me to come over there again, you have to put that fucking bird away. Don't say fucking. You got to put the bird away. It's not fair to me. All right. The fucking thing bites you.

I think he even said drew blood one time. So yeah, that's the deal. I mean, the birds not going to listen to her day is, is, is it? I don't know. That's what I would do. I don't know, buddy. I don't, I don't, uh, I don't know about that draft pick either. You know, I guess I could see if she was 13, but she's 20 years old and she is like that

about a fucking bird, uh, I don't know. That's fucking weird. Like I said, I get loving animals. I love animals too, but not to the point where I choose them or another fucking human being when they're trying to hurt that human being. All right. Here we go. Guys insecure about their girlfriends.

Hey, Billy bro stash. I was going on a run yesterday and we were, and was finishing up as I got back into my neighborhood, um, what I was going on a run yesterday and was finishing up as I got into my neighborhood. I live in the low, I live in the lower East side of Manhattan, which as you might guess gets a lot of foot traffic on a Saturday afternoon. Anyway, one of the people I saw was this big dude and his girlfriend. I kind of looked at them for two or three seconds as I was jogging, which I think is

totally normal thing to do two or three. I don't know, three is a little, that's a little forward. As I was passing them, the guy leans in and says in a stern voice, keep your eyes up buddy. I didn't understand what he said at first and I kept jogging, but if I did, I definitely would have said some shit back. I guess he thought I was checking out his girlfriend. I really don't understand people who think like that in my mind. If I know I'm the only one fucking my girl, I could care less if other people look.

Yeah, cause you looked too. You like God damn that woman's gorgeous. I want to talk to her and she talked back and now you're going out. Yeah. If you're with the beautiful woman, you got to expect guys are going to look. This dude looked like he could have been a football player, so he probably has a big ego. Easy now.

Now we're making all kinds of judgment. I love the shit football players get like they're all fucking assholes and nerds are all these nice empathetic people. They're not. They're passive aggressive cunts. And they would be the way football players, the stereotypical ones behave if they were bigger and knew how to fight anyways. I'm curious how a woman would feel if her man, look at, look at that fucking asshole

on Facebook. Look how he all of a sudden that little shit gets power. You can't even cancel your fucking account. Enough with the hacky trashing of football players, fucking the real fucking problem, these fucking nerds, these spineless fucking nerds who are creating all this spyware and all of this fucking shit that goes on out there. These fucking algorithms where they're peeking into your life. They're fucking weirdos.

What does a football player do? Hang you by your underwear? As opposed to these fucking assholes building nationwide fucking systems to spy on their own fucking people. Then one of them finally grows to spying, snowed and we all turn our back on him and just leave that guy twisting in the wind. He's somewhere in fucking Russia. That guy's a fucking hero.

Anyway, anyway, since dude like he could have been a football player, so he probably has a big ego, but to me it just seems really insecure. I'm curious how a woman would feel if her man did that as well. It's not like I was ogling the girl. I think some of them like it, most of them don't. Some of them are just a biggest shit show. If you have a guy like that, they like the guy getting all fucking pissed off and fighting over him.

Anyways, as a side note, something similar happened a year ago at the beach when I was admittedly checking this older woman out. Great cans. All right, dude. Now, I don't know. This is the second time. Second incident. Her husband saw me and walked up to me and started yelling, why are you checking out my

wife? Yeah, dude. All right. There's something. Fuck all this is you. First, I said, I don't know what you're talking about, but he persisted. Luckily, I had six inches of height and maybe 30 pounds on him. So I looked in the eye and said, so what, man?

And he walked away curious to hear your opinion on guys like this. Or if you think I'm an asshole, thanks to go fuck yourself. Yeah. Well, you need to, you need to get better at your leering game. Okay. She's got a nice set of tits. You're going to look. You're a man.

Right? Same way. If you had a bulging fucking wallet of cash, they'd be checking you out. I had to get one in. Um, yeah, I would just be a little more discreet about it, you know, and I'd be a little more respectful. Okay. For guys with the woman and she's hot, you want to look just look when he's not looking.

That's it. But you're going to look the same way that fucking asshole who's getting upset. He looks too. Everybody looks guys, look women know we look. That's why they walk around with half their fucking titties hanging out because they know they're not going to have to buy a drink. Okay. And then they lie and go, no, I thought I looked cute.

You can't look cute without hat with your, without your butt crack peeking out of the back of your fucking pants. Um, would you come here to fix a sink? He came here to fuck somebody. Um, all right. That's the podcast. That's the end of the ignorance for this week. Um, you know, reading this Ken stable book, I'm coming to the end here.

He's, uh, been traded to the Houston Oilers for Dan Pasterini. And I realized Dan Pasterini also wrote a book and I remember John Madden wrote a book. So I was curious to read the John Madden book because he's going to be talking about coaching the radius for those 10 years. And when they got Ken Stabler and his feelings on him, and then I can read Dan Pasterini because I remember he went to Oakland and it didn't work out. But I guess afterwards he became like a drag racer, like a successful drag racer. And he used to like to raise hell and go out like Ken Stabler did.

So I got to read that book too. Um, and considering the summer doesn't end at the end of August, I have plenty of time to read these books. So I'm going to read the finished to Ken Stabler book today. And then I'm going to, uh, I'll go on to the Dan Pasterini book. You know, he's a, and then I could say I'm a really well read guy. All right. That's the podcast.

Go fuck yourselves. And I will check in on you on Thursday.