Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-15-24

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

Bill rambles about his staycation, the assassination attempt, and NYC's trash collection. Helix:  Helix is offering up to 30% off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at www.HelixSleep.com/BURR SimpliSafe:  Protect your home this summer with 20% off any new SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring at www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR Stamps.com:  Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, plus free postage, and a free digital scale.  Go to www.Stamps.com. click the microphone and type in BURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday! July 15th, 2024. Jeez, where's the summer going? It's fucking flying by here. I'm trying to be present and be there for my kids and all of that stuff. Anyway, but you know, there's obviously bigger things to talk about this week. Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ. This week put the O in the O, Jesus. Oh and the oh jeez I'm of course this it's like all this stuff I want to talk about but you know, there's the elephant in the room I obviously, you know got to talk about the fucking Red Sox

Are only four and a half games back. I mean they won seven of their last ten they picked up four games on the Orioles and Three games on the Yankees and you know all of a sudden this little team Everybody was like God even mediocre last year All they did was make a bunch of lateral fucking moves. That was me and now look at them Now look at them They're playing baseball. They can't run the bases playing baseball. The bullpen gives away the lead.

We'll see what happens. They're doing way better than I thought. And I'm actually, I'm on a staycation right now. I'll get to what the fuck you want me to talk about. I'm on a staycation right now. I'll get to what the fuck you want me to talk about. I'm on a staycation right now with my wife, meaning we fucking stay there and we're casheoning. Do you know all those fucking terms that have come up in my lifetime?

Jesus Christ, it's a staycation. Why don't you try a staycation? The corporate cunts have squeezed everybody, So now when you go on vacation, you don't go anywhere. You just stay there. Ways to make your house look like a hotel. Glamping. Why should people that actually understand nature only have a good time in nature when you can go out there and fucking sit in a cabin? Anyway I saw a picture of this woman, they had anesthetized a grizzly for whatever reason, they were doing dental work on them, they needed to tag the grizzly. I don't mean fuck it, they needed to like put a literal tag on it so they could fucking you know keep track of this thing.

So just give you the idea of how big a fucking grizzly bears this woman held the things paw up to her face. It was like bigger than a fucking catcher's mitt with like Freddy Krueger Knives coming out of the wall of them He's got five little fucking toes the size of your ankle and It's unreal with with just that alone it's like can't they just kill you before they start eating you they're just fucking They're just fucking... they're dumb. What other things out there just maul you to death? Those are the fucking things that scare me. So anyway, I'm on this vacation. We're near the fucking water! And I'm watching all these people swimming

in the ocean and like literally my fucking heart is in my throat I'm just waiting for the shark fin and it never happens. So you guys are right I mean the odds of it happening are really small but I just you know, I Can't get past the fact that like I had was talking to somebody the other day as human beings need to realize That they're prey You don't realize that because we have guns, but you go into the water, you don't have a gun anymore, you're just some fucking... I don't know what you are. You don't belong there. The ocean and space, you don't belong there. We just don't fucking belong.

Who's kidding here? We don't belong in the fucking air either, right? That doesn't stop us. You ever think maybe we're just God's entertainment? Because everything else kind of knows where it's supposed to be. You know what I mean? There's no glamping and staycations and fucking,

hey, let's fucking go over here with animals, fish, reptiles. They're like, you know, this is where I live. Fucking doing my thing. Don't try to eat me. That's the prey. And then the, what do they call the other ones? What are the other ones? They're the fucking the cunts Well, if you're not praying what a predator I knew was peas I Know thanks

Or you're like a predator and you just sit in there like I you know I want some need but you got to talk about you know predators you got to respect because you know, they earn their meals But you got to talk, you know predators you got to respect because you know, they earn their meals Can imagine every time you wanted to eat you had to go out and kill a waiter and then like get away with it That's a lot of fucking work, but what if you ate the waiter, okay now you're in Jeffrey Dahmer territory Anyway, so I've been out here. I'll tell you something underrated Underfucking rated is I brought this little acoustic guitar With me and I was like am I really gonna be the douche that plays guitar on the beach? And I am I wasn't on the beach. We're like our place is right on the beach. So I just sat out there in the morning

Strumming on a guitar with the waves in the background like I was in a fucking C. Alice commercial You know, all I needed to do is look up from the guitar and just be like, hey, you know, I Just learned the Malcolm Young part and my dick works again. Thank you C. Alice and you could just print it All these years are watching those fucking people in bathrobes eating Grape nuts out in the woods and I'd be like what the fuck are these people do they know how to live? So there you go, and what's great too is the ocean drowns out the sound of my awful playing so then I don't have to be Self-conscious it's kind of it's kind of perfect. I Get it. So every day I've been out there

Strumming on the guitar and my lovely wife comes out and she just starts cracking up laughing Like she's happy that I'm having a good time, but she's also just been ripping on me Calling me John Denver Bill Billy blues by the ocean just giving me all of this shit But we've been having a really good time out here. So that's essentially And I hit the gym when I've been out here. You know what I mean? Like the first night they brought like this dessert tower and I just was like,

all right, I'm on vacation and I fucking destroyed this thing. And I was just woke up the next day. I was like, why did I do that? Stupid. And I was just, woke up the next day, I was like, why did I do that? I was stupid, I fucking, I ate that like a kid the night of Halloween with like overbearing parents where you just try to fucking eat as much of it. You're not eating all of that, you can have one fucking piece, you know?

And you go into the closet like a fucking junkie, tie off with some fucking Snickers. like a fucking junkie tie off with some fucking Snickers. Yeah, so I'm back off. It was bad. It was bad. Old Freckles was like, you know what? Why don't I undo everything I've been doing for the last fucking year in one goddamn sitting?

So ever since then, I've been fucking good. You know, I just had a vegetable salad at one point for a snack. You know, just leveling it off. Leveling it off because the sugar, oh my God. If I ever went in, you know, my once a year checkup and had my blood work after what I did the first fucking night here. He'd be like, you need to stay here overnight. No, I swear to God, I haven't eaten in a year. Of course you haven't, Mr. Burr. Okay.

Um, anyway. All right, let's get to the task at hand here. Uh, that Donald Trump thing. Holy shit. Um, first things first. thank God that person was not successful because I can't imagine what that would have set off. Secondly, condolences, or should have been first, condolences to whoever lost their life and all of that. I mean, there's just nothing funny about any of that. And I don't know, it's why I don't follow politics. Like I don't understand, people have lost their fucking minds.

And then what I hate now is the scuttlebutt out there. And I did say scuttlebutt is now they're trying to figure out, this kid was 20 years old, right? He obviously had mental issues. And they're trying to figure out which political leanings this person has because everything is politicized. Like whatever the person's political leanings this person has because everything is politicized. Like whatever the person's political leanings,

it doesn't represent either party. It's just a crazy person. And kind of what I've noticed traveling the country, which is an experience that I have that most people don't fucking have, is you get to realize most people are just fucking chill I keep saying this but I feel like I have to say this and they in both sides keep trying to make the lunatics a representation of their party like

January 6th that's your average Republican no it isn't this is a group of stupid people that can't handle the internet. You know, same way like, remember when Trump got elected and there was that woman sitting on the ground going, yeah, yeah, that was a mentally ill people, typical liberal. It's like, is it? You walk down the street and everybody on the left was sitting Indian-style screaming no. It's a fucking lunatic. Lunatic. Alright, these are all fucking lunatics.

And if that lunatic yesterday was, you know, I'm doing this on Sunday, was successful, all that would have done was create some other lunatic thinking that they needed to even the score or it becomes some copycat thing because these fucking psychos always want to have like, I don't know, like the media attention or whatever. But anyway, like Secret Service or whoever handled that problem, you know

They're getting shit. But what are you gonna cover every fucking rooftop? I mean, this is America It's just like, you know the amount of weaponry that is fucking available is I don't know if you're gonna have anything outside How you can honestly protect anybody? And secondly, you know, I don't care how liberal you are Trump took that like a fucking champ he came up for the mat like fucking Hulk Hogan fucking stuck his hand in the air getting ready for the second one I mean I mean that's fucking crazy I don't give a fuck how tough you are Somebody just shot you clipped your fucking ear and ten guys in suits jumped on you. You should be terrified, right?

He looked mad It's just like Jesus Christ, you know to say what you want. I mean that guy's a fucking Guys a gangster whatever the kids say I mean that guy's a fucking Guys a gangster whatever the kids say Anyway not to make light of the situation but Jesus fucking Christ people You know settle it at the fucking Voting polls or not polls. What are you the voting booths?

There how's that? There you go That's my fucking two cents in it and everybody's I don't know what the fuck they I I don't even dare Like read any of this shit, um The worst thing about all of that too aside from an innocent person lost their fucking lives, which is another thing why that person's so crazy, because first of all they know the second they do it they're going to get killed, and then secondly you do it when he has like hundreds of innocent people just sitting, you're mad at him, and the entire backdrop was just innocent people like what the fuck are you thinking? Which you're not.

But aside from the obvious tragedy of the whole thing, is it's staring everybody away from pointing fingers now. You know, cause it's a political campaign. So immediately it's gonna be like, oh, this Kate, Trump's looking strong. He said, fuck you when he stood up or whatever the hell he said. And, you know, now we can say this is what liberals do, the, the, the, the, the, even though

we've been calling them snowflakes and say they're afraid of guns. Now this none of that tracks, but that's not going to worry. We'll just keep plowing forward with that. And we'll turn this into a big and then somewhere lost in all of that is we have the same two awful candidates running again, And then somewhere lost in all of that is we have the same two awful candidates running again who were talking about fucking golf during the debate. And if you're any sort of a politician that talks about how out of control these,

I'm a broken record, but they're never gonna talk about that. They're never gonna talk about that they're never gonna talk about that so for some reason we're gonna have to suffer through both of these campaigns when everybody already has their fucking mind made up you know this guy that guy or the other it's just like why don't just for national security and we're own fucking sanity why don't, just for national security and our own fucking sanity, why don't we just have the election now? All right?

Although they are saying the liberals might get rid of what's his face, Joe Biden, you know, which is fucking hilarious to me because they basically handled that guy the way I used to handle term papers, where I knew it was coming and I just ignored it. And then I started writing it the night before and about one in the morning I'd wake my mother up and be like, can you help me type this thing? She'd be like, oh, Jesus Christ, why did you wait this long? And I was like, I don't know. I don't know.

I'm't know. I don't know. I'm an idiot. And she'd be like, I'm not typing it. And then I'd be downstairs going like, chick, chick, chick, fuck. She'd be up until like four in the fucking morning. And I'd hand it in and I'd still get a D. it's like why didn't you just fucking write it the first night? They said it if you were just gonna suck at it and get it over with. Oh The wisdom I have now that's my old man wisdom. It isn't well bill Maybe if you studied harder you would have known the subject and the paper could have been easier to write I just look at it like I'm gonna get a D on this either way. I might as well fucking just

Get it over with So anyway, thank God that person wasn't successful but you still killed somebody and then they ended your life. The whole thing was a big fucking waste of humanity and which brings me to the internet which I just don't understand the internet at all you know i don't understand how these politicians can talk about family values and raising kids and all that type of stuff but like they can all go on the internet and in this porn is free and you can look at whatever the fuck you want and kids can look at it and figure out ways around like it's just fucking unreal to me how there's no rules of, like, ownership of anything. People can just take shit and add it to their page,

and then they make money off of stuff that you spent money on in your time, and then they get the money. I don't understand. The only thing I can say is that politicians are all looking at porn. I think that that's what it is. They're like, well, you know.

I mean, where do you draw the line? I don't know, after porn. Right? I don't fucking know. People, I don't have any fucking answers. I don't have any answers. I'm just a fucking pasty old ginger that has discovered that playing his ukulele by the beach,

you know, makes it all go away for a few minutes Is that so wrong Yeah, I haven't watched TV in a couple days I can't imagine I can't imagine the field day everybody's having With this it must be hilarious to watch CNN as they have to act concerned about this person that they can't fucking stand and and then I imagine the other side is is like I Mean they they they probably have like Trump like he stuck the flag down and fucking Iwo Jima at this point flag down at fucking Iwo Jima at this point. How did we get here? I don't fucking know, but I still have the faith.

I still have the faith that Republicans and liberals, most of us are just fucking, you know, level-headed people who just want all of this shit to go away. Stop rocking the boat. Let's keep the boat fucking steady. You know, let's reach across the aisle, shake hands, and be like, I can see some of your shit.

You can see some of mine. All right, there we go. Ain't gonna happen. Anyway, but you know, it's baseball season. Did you guys watch any of the Wimbledon? Any of the tennis? I still, that's one of my things, one of my bucket list sports things.

I wanna go to that one year, but I don't understand, I get it a little bit. I like that. You have to kind of dress up classy You know, but I was watching it and one of the former tennis players announcing I watched the women's one. I missed the guys And I was watching it and The announcer she was going like, yeah, every year the celebrities show up, you know, they just love it. They just wanna sit in the Royal Box every year.

Every year they just show up. And the way she kept saying it is like, is she shitting on them? Just can't get enough of rubbing elbows with those fucking Royals. enough of rubbing elbows with those fucking Royals. I'll be honest with you, I cannot think of the last box you would ever want to be sitting in. You know, oh my God, with those fucking drips. Why the fuck would you, you'd rather be out on the lawn. I mean, I want to be in the first of all, I did that. I've all these years, I. I thought it only helped like 500 people holds like 13,000 people. It's way bigger because

they just showed, you know, the court. I had no idea it was that big. But if I ever get out there, I think you think you if you well, you don't be in the upper deck cuz it's tennis Jesus fucking Christ You'd be that far away But there's got to be a happy medium I Don't know. Is it required that you wear a jacket? I went to someplace the other night and they were like let's require that you wear a sport coat and I was like Well, I don't I don't have one. I don't work clean. I Don't I don't I don't have one. I don't work clean I don't I don't do corporate gigs

What do I do here they're like, oh, you know, we got one we got one your size so they came out You know, you know the classic blue sport coat and I just fucking sat there All right, I I probably shouldn't say this, but like, uh, you know, I like just going to regular restaurants. I've had amazing meals out here. I'm not shitting on any of the meals, but like, you know, when the waiter has to fucking explain everything that you're eating right before you eat it. It's just like, you just sit in there going like, dude, like everything has been great up till now. Like I am, none of this,

none of this is sticking between my ears. You're just talking and I wanna fucking eat. You know what I mean? I know what I ordered. The ingredients are listed next to it. I'm not reading them. And I don't need you to stand there like the fucking town crier telling me the story about where the apricots came from.

Are they in season? Did you get them locally? The fucking effort it takes to just sit there and fucking listen to it It tried fucking drives me crazy So then I just start being a douche and I'll lean over to my wife be like how come they don't do it don't do this At Burger King, you know That's a flame broil patty. We didn't flame broil it. Somewhere it was flame broiled before,

it was put on a truck and frozen. I stuck it in the microwave and I put cheese on it. And then we put it on a bun and we just sort of put this stuff together. We did mop the floor, but it was yesterday, full disclosure. And those french fries, I don't know what we boil them in. Okay, any questions? No, no, can I eat it now?

All right, thank you. Thank you very much, appreciate it. I appreciate it, thank you so much. Anyway. What does the world become when liberals are now shooting people? I don't know what this person's political, I don't know what their leanings were. But if they are a liberal, it is pretty funny, because they were saying forever that liberals are afraid of guns and Evidently they aren't if this guy well, I have no fucking idea, but I do know it has to be politicized Whatever it is It must it must be politicized. I have a great gig coming up

I'm doing a gig in Gardena At this local movie theater, it's a one-picture Scream mom and pop owned and You know the big boys always screens and am I a big boys even got squeezed out by the fucking streaming services But like this should still be like these little one screen one should be able to survive. So all things comedy myself, Nate Craig, Dean Del Ray, we're all coming down there. We're going to do a show, raise some money for the theater, have a good time and

whatnot. And you know, there's something positive. There we go. There's something for the fucking, I don't know what the positive column. All right, let's get out of this. This is just, I don't know what, the positive column. All right, let's get out of this. This is just, I don't know. I tried people. I tried with the Trump thing, which is fucking ugly. The whole thing is just fucking ugly.

All right. It's a goddamn election. Everybody relax. The corporations are going to win again. Okay. Just know that. Just know that. All right.

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I don't know about them. I think that it's fucking shady. They exist in the gray area of the what the fuck, I don't know, perimeters of medicine. You know, I don't know. I would go masseuse. If I was not gonna get an operation know I would go masseuse if I had it if I if I was you know Not gonna get an operation. I would go masseuse

Hey sues, I get a mace masseuse first and then I would get a fucking acupuncture I Wouldn't do that suction cup shit, but the last fucking place I would go is the chiropractor I don't know what the, I was watching this guy, this guy comes in and he's literally going like, yeah, when I was eight years old, I fell off a, I jumped off a swing and landed on my head. I have no mobility or whatever.

This poor guy. So the guy basically fucking puts like a, I don't know what you would call it, like an arm sling underneath this guy's chin, lays him on the table, and then hooks to uncompact his fucking it just was like, I don't know shit about chiropractor, medicines or religious beliefs. But I got to think if you have that lack of mobility, a fucking quick jerk to your neck is not the direction You want I would think you'd want to start slow and see what the fuck is going on and this guy was screaming. I Don't know he got up and he didn't he couldn't move his head any fucking better

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includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale no long-term com commitments or contacts contracts sorry just go to stamps.com click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code BURR. Alright, let's get to what you guys want to talk about this freaking week. Update from 8242020 Dear Billy the Bald Eagle Wanted to give you an update on the email by the way my whole life. I thought it was a rank orangutan not a rang a tan I also thought that song I

Was listening to soft rock that was what it was called when I was a kid now for some reason They've called it yacht rock and they think that only people on yachts listen to that. And it's like no, people that grew up listening to that shit and eventually made it in the corporate world if you can afford a yacht. So they got all this soft rock now and then on serious FM or whatever the fuck they call it, serious satellite radio, they go like, you're listening to Yacht Rock. Drop it like it's Yacht.

And they do this whole thirst and howl sort of impression. It's just like, this has nothing to do with this music. This has just been repackaged by the record labels that still own this music and now they're calling it this and they're steering into it. I don't know what, it was initially like a fucking insult But it is melancholy depressing after a while. But anyways, there's a song on there How does this is hello, yeah, it's been a while not much how about you

Dad, I did a dad and did you do whatever song dad did it and I always thought I'm not talking about the linen And I don't want to change your life But there's a warm wind blowing in the stars around and I really love to see you Do that really love to see you, right? It's I'm not talking about moving in and I'm like, there's no fucking way He's saying that and I went back and listened to it That's what he's saying Then the whole song comes is hilarious. I'm not talking about moving in and I don't want to change your life Just haven't talked to you in a while. I'm basically in a dry spell here and i'd love to fuck you

That's basically what he's saying All right, what that has to do with yachts. I don't know All right, because you don't have to beg for it when you have a yacht you got gold digging horse and literal horse As long as that eight ball keeps fucking coming aboard You know it has nothing to do with yachts It had to do with this time where everybody was trying to be fucking you know Hey, man, like the 50s were a little too uptight man this is the post free love being groovy right it doesn't have to be anything like most of those songs

as much as it's like soft rock it's a bunch of fucking creeps you know that doctor hook song uh what the fuck did that one go oh Oh yeah, alright. Oh yeah. You're looking kind of lonely girl. Do you want someone new to talk to? Oh yeah, alright. He's just creeping up. She's sitting by herself. She wanted to talk to somebody, she would have.

And now you're coming up there. And then he basically says the same thing. Hey man, you know, we can go back to my place, your place in Bang. Or we can just sit here and talk or you could fuck off buddy. Or you could fuck off. And then somehow all these years later, now it's turned into like, yeah, rock, everybody, you know, just sitting here in my yacht listening to this rock. And it also diminishes the level of musicianship that was on them. I mean these guys were fucking incredible players. They were just playing, you know.

I mean you have a whole lot of love in all of that shit, you know. With Robert Plant with his fucking junk in your face was too much for you. You know, you could listen to the Eagles. Alright, update from 8242020. Dear Billy the Bald Eagle, I wanted to give you an update on the email I sent you from August 2020 that you read on 824 2020 at 12 45 left in the podcast. Jesus Christ, this is some efficient research about how my girlfriend said she wanted my mom to die Wow, I don't remember that one Jesus Christ looking back at it now It's insane how I let that poor excuse of a lady Pit me against my own mother. Oh

Yeah, I mean women are the masters of manipulation That's just in their DNA, they're not generally speaking physically stronger than a man Unless it's some lip tart eating a plant-based burger in a fucking Prius. Sorry. I'm just gonna make everything politically charged now Yeah, so they got to do that so if you combine that amazing skill they have for manipulation With a fucking psycho That's banging you. Yeah, next thing, you know, you think your mother's the enemy. I mean, it's a dangerous game out there people Anyway, I know now I was not confident to ditch that dirtbag We ended up dating for a whole year after that,

until I finally got the picture after she said she wished my mom was dead three more times after the email I sent you. Jesus Christ. I'm now engaged to a beautiful girl. Well, what did you say when you broke up with her? Yeah, this isn't working out. Is it me?

Well, yeah, it is. And your desire that my mother was dead. Can you imagine saying that? Oh my God. And it was crazy. Is somebody's gonna fucking marry that broad and make people with her? I'm now engaged to a beautiful girl.

Nice, thank God. Who isn't crazy is parentheses as much as a woman can be. And she has a great relationship with my mom and made me realize that there wasn't anything wrong with my mom. Peace out, Girl Scout. Alright, well that had a fucking happy ending. You know, I mean, that's part of being a young person. Sometimes you gotta date somebody for a year that wishes that your mother was dead before you finally wake up being like, this is not what I dreamed of.

In a life partner. Yeah, there was something you said in there that reminded me of something. I'm dead and now I'm a gazebo. I don't know what it was. Anyway, well, that's that's that's good. That's good, sir. I'm glad you were out of that. Glad you able to see what everyone who listens to this podcast I hope obviously saw. That's just, can you imagine saying that to your girlfriend? You know, I love you, I just wish your mother was dead. You what? And you just stay in the pocket.

I said I love you. The other part. And I, oh, that, I wish your mother's dead. Why are you crying? I didn't say you Dead song Hey Bill that song you referred to last week was ripple I really recommend going to the sphere to see dead and company if you have the chance I would do that It's an incredible visual experience and the band sounds amazing is John Mayer still ripping it up with them

I heard he's fucking I mean, he's incredible. I heard he's even The band sounds amazing. Is John Mayer still ripping it up with them? I heard he's fucking, I mean, he's incredible. I heard he's even more incredible that he can even play with them, basically play with any band. I would definitely do that. How long are they playing out there? There's just too much cool shit to say.

I just don't have time for all of that. That does sound amazing. You know, this is just a quick two day thing out here. And like the level of guilt after like 36 hours away from your kids, I gotta get home my kids. I just have to get home my kids. So that's what I wanna do. So I don't have time to go see that other shit.

It's not shit, it's fucking amazing. Go see it for me. Take some mushrooms, man. Fucking feel groovy, man. And fucking do it, man. I mean, that's wild. I know a couple people that went to go see that. It's the fucking greatest thing I've ever been to in my life.

I have not heard one person come out of this sphere that went to go see that. And I'm like, it's the fucking greatest thing I've ever been to in my life. I have not heard one person come out of the Sphere and be like, meh. Maybe if you have questions about the person you're gonna marry, take them to a show at the Sphere. If they're bitching about that, then you cannot deny there's no way to make this person happy. All right, trash barrel scam. Oh, no. Hey Billy big apple head Apples aren't big you should have said fucking Billy

What the fuck is that thing cantaloupe head that thing. Cantaloupe head. Watermelon head. Did you see all cantaloupe makes more sense because it's orange. Did you see what my insanely smart and competent city officials did? I don't know where you live.

They paid a group of college grad engineer nerds, also known as consultants, to do a study on New York City curbside trash pickup. Four million dollars later they came up with the genius idea that New York City should use barrels instead of throwing bags on the sidewalk. Why did the what the what was wrong with the other one? It worked the whole time I was there. The corporate take over of our free market is why capitalism is a problem.

No one in their right mind spending their own money would pay for this. But when you have bureaucrats running the show and spending the people's money, they don't give a shit. Yeah. Well, also, if they give them $4 million to do that fucking study. Bureaucrats running the show and spending the people's money. They don't give a shit Yeah, well also if they give them four million dollars to do that fucking study Yeah, they line their pockets with most of it and then make sure that this part then they Donate it back to the person's campaign Yeah, this all went back to the early 80s there was a president named Ronald Reagan and to the early 80s there was a president named Ronald Reagan and during that time I believe it was during his time.

Alright I'm 50% sure so I don't want to attribute it to the wrong person and this is not some sort of partisan politics thing. This is what they said they said you don't want big government in your life do you? And we were all like no I don't want the government to do me and they made it seem like the government was going to interfere with our lives as regular fucking people working in a warehouse Like I was right. Well, I wasn't in a warehouse at that point. Whatever. I was just watching It on TV and it made sense. But what it really was the back door that was Corporations had exhausted how to make money with the government

Making sure they weren't becoming monopolies. So then they basically deregulated them. And here we are 40 years later, and there's like five tech nerds that own everything and they've destroyed every fucking business and they are not happy. Like even like big supermarkets and shit, they can't even handle farmers markets. They even have to infiltrate that. So every food that's being bought must be our fucking poison They're fucking lunatics and there's nobody watching them

anyway This person goes on to say I'd also like to point out that tech nerds get their money from banks with endless capital To see these shitty useless startups Well, what would be the reason for that? Giddy useless startups. Well, what would be the reason for that? So they can just loan out the money and make money on the interest. This is where it goes over my head.

As big as it is, a lot of things go over my head. Again, money that would never be available without crony capitalism. It's the same thing when the government decides to pay farmers to grow corn, even after Roosevelt's initiative to do so was no longer needed and they did because food companies realized they could use it to make corn syrup and other products. If the government didn't pay them to do so, it wouldn't happen and the average person wouldn't hand over their money to pay for

more corn that can be consumed. We need to vote people into Congress who care about their community. Amen to that. And to stop, well how can you get one, anyone that does care about their community on the left or the right or libertarian gets tarred and feathered by corporate media. How do you get people, they start telling, oh that guy's a waste of a vote. I don't know how you get around that. All right, we need to vote for people in congress who care about the community and just stop worrying about the president at disproportionately, as disproportionately as we do. That's how we give power back to the people. I mean, four million dollars to tell us to use trash barrels,

get the fuck out of here. I love New Yorkers, get the fuck out of here. You know, maybe that's a transplant because they actually use get. Most New Yorkers are fuck out of here. They barely even say the. It starts, they're getting right to the fuck. The fuck out of here.

Occasionally, if they have the time, they will add with that. The fuck outta here with that. Yeah, no, that's true. They've been saying forever that your local elections will affect your life way more than the president. The prom queen, whatever you wanna call him. All right, Billy Payphone. Oh, I was talking about this last week.

I was talking about how, I think I was talking about, maybe I was talking about this, messing around, trying out new shit. I was talking about how those public bikes and scooters are like this generation's pay phones. We're like someday like comedians of their generation when they look back at it going like we used to just jump on these fucking things that somebody's ass was sweating on in their hands that were up their nose or whatever and we just put our hands on it and

just the fucking germs that are gonna be on that. Like back in the day we would go to pay, when I first moved to New York City and I was cold calling through roommate finders, standing right outside the Howard Johnson's in Times Square. There was a Howard Johnson's restaurant, I swear to God. And there was a pay phone and I had just put that fucking thing up to my ear for three days straight trying to find a roommate so I could move down there.

So anyway, this person got a random quick question for you. When was the last time you used a payphone? That's all I wanna know, thanks, go fuck yourself. Last time I used a payphone, not this decade, not last decade. I would say pre... I still had a flip phone. I would say George W was somewhere between his first and second term.

But why, once you had a cell phone, why would I ever use a pay phone? I wasn't calling a bookie. I wasn't involved in any sort of illegal dealings. Maybe my phone died. If I didn't have cell service. I can't, it was probably the 90s. Two, right in 1999, 2000 maybe. Dude, call me right back at this number. call me quick. I'm running out of change. Uh, yeah, I would say uh Yeah long fucking time ago

Long time ago, but there's still some old, you know, I still fucking read the newspaper Oh, we were out to breakfast today. My lovely wife and she was saying, we saw this old couple and they both weren't talking to each other and they were both reading the newspaper. And she goes, that was back in the day staring at your phone. That was like, that's a pretty good fucking job. Look at you. A little observation there. And then she cocked her head to the side looking at me like I'm fucking funnier than you, you fucking orange cunt. Maybe she didn't do that, but I felt it. You know? Billy Drumhead. Okay, so let's say you run out of jokes. You've tapped the well dry and you have no other skills besides your

drumming and being read and being read all over you guys are going hard this week jesus christ i get it i'm a ginger um being read doesn't pass the time very well, so you get offered to be a drummer in a band. What band would you like to drum for? You can't say ACDC because I'm asking the questions and making the rules here. What band would you choose? Well, dude, I in no way, shape, or form did I would think I would be in anything

other than a cover band of ACDC. If I had to make a living as a fucking drummer, then I would just... I would do local gigs. And yeah, I would be in a fucking cover band. And I would... in a fucking cover band and I would, I wanna make money. So I would play pop shit. Like, you know what were fucking great cover bands when I was coming up, when I was,

well, I wasn't young, I was probably in my early 30s, I remember when like millennials were coming of age and I was down Martha's Vineyard one time and Carly Simon's daughter was in this band. We did comedy first and then their band came on and they did all disco songs and they were fucking great. And it was all fun party songs and they packed out the club so i would say like that's what i would do i would want to play some shit that was like you know that was just fun stuff um and the music that i listen to is not, it's not going to put bread on the table. No fucking way. I listened to most of the shit. I listened to basically cock rock my

whole fucking life is what they called it. And most concerts were sausage fest that I went to. So and you know, anybody who's a musician knows that if you fucking wanna make some money, you gotta play something that the ladies wanna hear. This is a great question, by the way. I would go, let's, yeah, some sort of like, I think the disco thing has been done to death.

So I would play 80 songs, like the fun ones. Like all of the pop shit. Basically a lot of the shit that I kind of knew the words to but never bought the CD. Like you know what was a killer fucking band? Was Boy George's band. Like their band sounds fucking great. And I just, you know, I was, you know, I was not, I was not gonna listen to a gay guy

dressed as a woman at that age, but I had no problem listening to a straight guy who might be gay dressed as a woman in heavy metal. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's where the fuck I was at. It was so hilarious. It was so overtly homophobic back in the day. It was just like, I'm not listening to boy, George,

you guys gay. And then we would fucking put on like, you know, I'm the whatever fucking band and they had lipstick on. Down the basement, past the hill, but they were talking about getting pussy. So it was just like these guys aren't. I mean, they could have done this. They could have walked into fucking hamburger Harry's in West Bollywood and had no fucking problem. The drag queens, they would have been

asked him where they got their clothes. God, it was so fucked up. But now, now I love Boy George, I love his voice and I their fucking band is amazing. So I would play like I think I would be because I would need the problem here is I would need to make money. So I would play a bunch of pop shit from the 80s and then into the 90s, but all the shit that I would wanna play would be basically anything like Zeppelin, ACDC, to Soundgarden is kind of like, you know, Jane's Addiction and shit like that.

Like I'm trying to think of bands. As I got older, there was there was fewer and fewer bands that I connected with. Like in the 2000s, it was it was Queens of the Stone Age Velvet Revolver Pantera late late late to the game with that I just don't see being like a Queens of the Stone Age cover band bringing a bunch of chicks into the club and making you know you know you know, making us some money. So yeah, that's like a double question there. So I would probably be at home with the headphones on, still playing along to what I'm playing along to.

But I would definitely, if I needed to make money, I would play some pop shit, which, and I'll be honest with you, like I have no idea what the fuck that is now. pop shit, which and I'll be honest with you, like I have no idea what the fuck that is now. I mean, if I had to go past like 1995. Because I was thinking, okay, Green Day. I loved Green Day, Trey cool. And I just love I always love a fucking trio was always cool, just the amount of space and trio was always cool, just the amount of space available for everybody.

That's a great question. I can tell you right now, I would have, you know, if I wasn't funny anymore and I had to play drums for a living, you'd start calling me old Billy downsize. That's about what I would start living like Jim Rockford, little fucking trailer out there on the beach So anyway, you know, it's fucking been cool up here is You know we went up the coast of California and was staying up here and I've seen a bunch of old guys driving around in like Either a classic car convertible or a newer Porsche convertible.

I love seeing the old guy in like a cool car and you know people go, I don't think he's fucking a little bit old for that car. It's like, well not if he was made his money honestly, it probably took him his whole life to have the time and the money to enjoy that fucking car and every time I see like, you know Somebody going down the street one of those things. I Love all of that shit or even if you see like a young kid and his car isn't fast So he puts the exhaust on you know to make it louder or whatever like if it's somebody that you can see has money like just somebody who just went out and bought like a fucking challenger or

Camaro or a mustang And they didn't get the big engine, but they got the stupid loud exhaust that annoys me Because it's like now you're just being a you're being loud for no reason but if you're some kid, you know when I see a car, you know, you're Doing the best you can in trying to add a little horsepower than it's I I think I look at that kid going You know someday that kid's gonna have the fucking car that he will make the money have the car that he wants or whatever but like if you just some douche like my age with like a fucking loud car that isn't even fast that's annoying right how the fuck did I

get onto that I don't know because I babble anyway all, so it was a crazy weekend. You know, I don't know how to wrap this up. I'm still like shocked at what I saw. So I don't have any jokes about it. And I really don't think it's funny. And I'm just, you know, for the country's sake, I'm glad that person missed, but somebody still died. So I mean It wasn't without tragedy or whatever but like that would have been so bad for this fucking country

If I don't know what that would have set off, but that would have been fucking horrible So with that So with that, somebody who travels the country, I can tell you most of us are fucking normal and towards the middle. That's where most of us are. And don't read comments on social media because that's where idiots are. Only an idiot would comment about politics online and actually think that they're making a fucking point and would be able to change somebody's ideas.

You can't, they have their idea, you have your idea. It's just like, that's it. So smart people aren't commenting. It's these fucking morons. And then you read all these unbelievably stupid comments from the left and the right, and you start to get this false sense of this country that it's just a bunch of fucking idiots yelling at each other and it isn't. I started to think that and then I really had to kind of get away

from that and then kind of just meet people after shows and go in and talk to people and everything it's like everybody's pretty fucking chill. I don't see anybody sitting on the ground going, yeah, or anybody fucking, you know, walking around, you know, whatever those red hat fucking idiots do. I don't, I don't see that. I just see people going to work, trying to make enough fucking money

to have fucking food on the table, right? So let's fucking try and focus on that. All right. Anyway, exciting news for me. I did my first set since Seattle and I got all this new shit and I had such a fucking good time. This is my favorite fucking thing in the world.

Dumping the last hour and coming up with just new shit. I'm having such a great time. And it's just the best. It's just the fucking best. Although I do have to look at my special this week for the first cut. Oh boy, oh boy. And I wear a fucking pumpkin head.

I tell you, it's gonna be a rough one. All right, okay, that's it. Okay, go fuck yourselves. And I will check in on you on Thursday. All right, that's it.