Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-17-14

Episode Date: November 17, 2014

Bill rambles about FSU/Miami, artificial insemination and ISIS in Alabama.

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Trust your instinct, follow your understanding. Information and information on bmw.be The podcast for Monday, November 17th, 2014. I am going to be talking at this volume throughout the whole podcast because it's 7.24 in the morning. I'm doing it at my fucking house. And I got a long fucking day in front of me. Okay, so that's the deal.

That's how it's going down. I already recorded for 20 minutes. Found out the batteries were dead. And I got to start all over again. Okay, I got to start all over again this close to Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, everybody. A day to give thanks. It's such a wonderful holiday.

Don't you think, you know? You don't have to buy gifts for anybody. It's just getting together with other people. I like it so much more than I like Christmas. Those people always trash Christmas. It's just become this corporate holiday. Everybody's just got to go out and just buy it, buy all this stuff. We've totally lost what it really used to be about.

It was about a woman who had never had sex and somehow was impregnated by a large being that built everything up in the sky. She had no say in the matter. None whatsoever. She was walking around. She was in her 20s. She was in a relationship with a man.

And she wasn't ready. She wasn't ready. She wasn't ready. For any sort of dicks. There, I said it. Forget about the biggest dick in the fucking world. The guy who created everything. He somehow puts it in there.

How did he get it in there? You know? How did he get it in there? You ever think about that? How did that work? That's like, that's one of those things like when you see a ship in a bottle. Like, how did that get in there? Do you build it first and then the bottle's a fake

and you glue both halves together? You know, or is there some pirate sitting there with some glue and a pair of fucking tweezers? How do you do it? Nobody knows. All right. And she had to go to her man, right? That fucking guy.

Yeah, listen, I know you're not going to blame me. You know, this has all been done a zillion times by every fucking comic on the planet. You know what I'm saying? But anyways, um, yeah, so I'm up here early and I got to knock this thing out because today I got the sixth and final table read for F is for family, the animated show that I'm doing for Netflix that I will be promoting for the next 13 months until it comes out.

I've been having a great time doing it. And we're at episode number six. We do the table read today. We're going to record it tomorrow. And, uh, then I was thinking I had a little breathing room between, um, doing this one and then doing another one. A different show, but, um, actually, we got an actor to sign on who does not live in Los Angeles and we have to fly to where they're wherever he or she lives,

keeping it vague deliberately. And we're going to knock out all the, uh, all the recordings. And that's what I have to do for the rest of this week, whatever. Then I get a week off and make some fucking pumpkin pie and shit. And there's your Thanksgiving, right? There's your Thanksgiving, whatever. Let's get down to what the fuck I did this week. So this week, I actually, uh, um, you know, I go to one big college football

game a year and I wanted to go to the, you know, we decided me and my buddies, the hurricanes, Miami dolphins, Miami dolphins, the hurricanes, fucking Florida state game. And then the Miami dolphins, Buffalo bills had a game Thursday. So like, why don't we knock them both out? And then Friday night, I'll work the fucking improv in West Palm Beach, which is exactly what, what we did. And, uh, dude, I gotta tell you, we fucking did it up right, man.

We bought, we, uh, we rented this fucking house right on the fucking water. You know, beautiful house, beautiful fucking house that you can afford to rent, but can never afford to live there. Um, I'll tell you what was nuts was, uh, having now bought a house that I thought was a beautiful house and then found out all the problems it had. Um, I actually walked around and all the guys, they were going, this is a beautiful, great fucking house. And I just just looking at it and now it isn't, no, I saw all kinds of fucking issues.

All right. The hot tub, the water was having a difficult time getting hot. All right. I'd say that's about 4,500 bucks right there. Figuring out what that is. You know, you had a bunch of loose tile over near the shallow end in the pool. I don't know what was going on there. It seems like there was some sort of, uh, water seepage into the

groundage that caused the concrete underneath the tiles to fail. That's at least three fucking grand. Then they had a steam shower and the door didn't close properly and the steam when you turned it on would just keep coming out until you shut it off. It didn't have any sort of shut off on it. So all of that right there. I just saw 12 grand with the fucking problems and I'm not even in the house yet. So I can only imagine what is inside the walls.

See, that's what owning a home is, has done for me now. I don't even look at the overall layout of it now. I'm looking for fucking watermarks on the ceilings of the walls. You know, I'm looking to see if windows close flush or not. Any of that type of shit. I'm completely jaded. So anyways, let me get, um, let's get to the story here. So anyways, yeah, me and, uh, you know, Paul Verzi and a couple of the buddies

of ours started, you know, go to these big college games every year. So we assumed, you know, we went to the house that it was just going to be the four of us, right? Four or five. That's what I thought it was going to be. And we show up to this house and it was the four or five of us. Plus like, I don't, I don't even know how many other guys were staying there. Turns out this place, like this beer company rented it out.

So we didn't have to kick any money in. And then they stocked a fridge with all their beer and then all their bullshit that doesn't sell like all those siters and all that fucking horseshit. Um, so, and then all those other guys that we didn't know also invited some other people and it was like fucking, I don't know, like 12 people in the house. It was fucking hilarious. Like I would literally went in there. I had no idea who was who, who was staying, who was friends of people staying.

Right. Sort of that shady type of thing. There's not a lock on your door. Yeah, like thinking I got a computer in there, the sunglasses, what the fuck are these people cool? You have no idea who anybody is. I felt like I was on like the fucking, like if the real world did like an over 40 episode of their show, like that's what it felt like.

Um, fortunately, everybody turned out to be, uh, like totally cool. But, um, I got to tell you, there was one fucking morning though that was so goddamn hilarious. Uh, what's his face? Paul Verzi, as I've told you before, I've told you this shit before on other podcasts that Paul Verzi not only is not a morning person, he might be like the biggest like non-morning person I think I've ever met in my life, like the fucking look on his face when, when he gets woken up before he feels he should be

woken up, I swear to God, I can't even describe the, it's like, he looks like he's walking out of court and he just lost the case and he was a hundred percent right and he's already mentally, he's mentally getting past that and thinking about how he's going to take justice into his own hands. You know, like he's going to fucking kneecap somebody. That's if you wake him up 20 minutes early, right? So we're in this fucking house. All right.

And everybody in there is a married guy. All right. And for you youngsters out there, I don't know if you've ever party with like married guys, like truly married guys. Like me and Verzi are married, but like, you know, we go on the road like every other week, every other week, you know, you get some R and R, you walk away from it, but these guys, truly married guys, those guys that fucking wake up, wife and kids, right?

Get in the car, go to work, come back home, wife and kids, wake up the next day, wife and kids and all this shit that comes with that, right? Susie chipped a tooth on the coffee table and don't forget Mikey's t-ball game and there's a dance recital Jesus Christ, right? Fucking get in the car, go to work, coming home. Can you pick up some more fucking yeast? Whatever the fuck you got to do. Come home, wife and kids, you get the deal.

Those fucking guys, when they go away and they get three days, like you'll never see somebody go fucking, they'll drink college kids under the table. These guys were fucking animals. I almost gave them a standing ovation, the level with which that they would, they were like drinking till like three, four o'clock in the morning and then they would be up again at like nine AM, the same fucking guys, which is no big deal if you're a young stuff, but these guys are in their forties. That's not done.

That's like Daryl Green still running a 440 when he was like 41 years old. This is the alcoholic version of it, right? So what was hilarious was they had surround sound in that house. So like, you know, late at night when they had the music on, like I went to go to bed and it's fucking cranked in my room, but fortunately there's a volume that you have, you go and you turn and you shut it off. So anyway, so we all go to bed at like three, four o'clock in the fucking morning, the first night, all right?

And I got to be up early because I got to punch up this script for this week. I got two, three hours of work that I have to do. So I'm going to be up at nine anyway. So I didn't go too hard the first night. Um, but these fucking guys like eight 30 in the morning, all of a sudden the stereo just fucking comes on and I had my speaker turned off, but you know, it's just, you know, the, the, the living room area, they had that, you know, there was no, uh, the ceiling went all the way up to the second force floor

ceiling. So when you walked in the hallway upstairs, you looked off the balcony and you looked out through these windows out to the pool onto the water. It was fucking amazing, right? But, um, you start cranking a fucking stereo with all of that, that space for it, all the sounds to bounce off the fucking wall. Dude, it sounded like a goddamn concert, right? And they're cranking the shit.

I'm here to make start making Margaritas that fucking machine, right? Crushing up the ice. And all I'm thinking of is Verzi. So I'm laying in bed laughing my fucking ass off. Cause I know first he's going to come down those stairs with a look on his face, like he's going to fucking murder everybody. Right. Um, and then on top of that, there was a couple of hurricane fans there and

they started doing those cheers. They're out by the pool doing that. It's great to be a Miami hurricane or SCNES kids, right? Screaming. Uh, sure enough, about three minutes into this shit, I get a text from Verzi all in capital letters. He goes, dude, when did the fucking orchestra start? What the fuck?

And question mark 20 explanation points. So I'm fucking dying laughing. And, uh, and I'm trying to punch up the script. I'm just just, you know, doing what the best I can. You know, this is what happens. You stay with a bunch of other guys. You got to fucking deal with other people, right? So they're doing this shit for like an hour and a half, just getting fucking loaded.

Um, I'm trying to punch up the script and Verzi's losing his fucking mind. And then at right around 11 o'clock in the morning at granted, it's 11 o'clock in the morning, but we had been drinking till like three, four o'clock in the morning. There was a guitar in the house and one of these married dudes picks this fucking thing up. He had a great voice, but what the fuck, right? He starts playing this thing. He played like he was playing, uh, Bon Jovi's wanted dead or alive.

He's just sitting out there. He just starts banging on the guitar. And all of a sudden you just, it's like singing right in that area where you got, you know, it goes all the way up to the second floor ceiling, sitting right in the family room. And all of a sudden you just hear this guy going, it's all the same. All in a name to change, right? And then when he got to the chorus, somebody else was singing the Richie

Sambora part. So he'd be like, cause I'm wanted and you hit somebody else by the pool. And all of a sudden I get a text from first, he just likes, he writes really all capital letters and then like 20 explanation points of exclamation points and fucking question marks. Oh my God, dude, I was laying in this bed fucking crying, laughing in every song was getting more annoying if you were trying to sleep. This dude, he fucking sang Paul Simon's 50 ways to leave your lover, which is a

fucking hilarious song because the, like the verse is like whispered and then it gets fucking loud during the chorus, like a Nirvana song, you know, so he's just sitting there in the living room. You know, problem is all inside your head. She said to me, the answer is easy. If you take a lunch, there must be 50 ways to leave your lover 50 ways to leave your lover. And then he just screams, come on everybody.

He didn't sleep out the back jack fucking wailing on this guitar. Um, and the Margot Margot Rita machine was going, I just, I was just fucking laughing the whole time, punching up this fucking script or whatever. And, uh, so then we get out there and I'm telling you, dude, like nobody fucking drinks like that college kids, I guess we'll drink like that, but it's understandable. It's like, oh my God, I'm away from my parents, right? There's a different kind of desperation.

That a married guy who's just fucking locked in a married guy that doesn't cheat, doesn't fuck around. You know what I mean? His only outlet is this three days that he's out there and he is drinking every drop of fucking alcohol. Dude, this fucking cannonballs into the pool was insane. It was fucking funny. I already miss it.

That's how much fun I had. Um, so anyways, uh, so that night we ended up going to the, uh, to the Miami dolphin Buffalo bill game and, uh, we had a hookup. We got to go down onto the field right before, uh, you know, the game watching those guys working out, dude, you can't fucking believe how big they are. You're just looking at a guy like going, that, that's a running back. That's not a linebacker. That's a running back gigantic.

And you sit there and you remember their numbers, which is cool. Cause then when you get up there and you see him on the field, they look small again next to a defensive lineman or a linebacker. They actually look like a running back. But when they're standing next to you, it's like, uh, you know, they look like fucking iron man. You know, you know, whenever you go to those fucking places, those stores where they have the outfields, the actual outfit worn by an actor, six foot four.

It's made all out of metal. That's what the fuck these guys look like. So, um, we ended up going up there and, uh, dude, I got to tell you something. And all my years going to, uh, sporting events, that Miami Dolphins game might have been the biggest collection of fucking animals I've ever been around. It was, dude, it was un fucking believable. Dude, Florida is, I don't know what the deal is with Florida. And I know there's a lot of beautiful people down there and there's a

lot of beautiful people and they got money and all of that type of shit, but they do not go to a dolphins game. Fucking animals. You combine that with the bills, fans, bunch of married guys who got away for three days and they were drinking at the level that they were drinking. Dude, we were in this, we were sitting in our row, right? And there was like four or five different people who either stepped over a row to go up or down and sat in different seats.

It was like a free for all. Anybody could sit wherever they wanted. There was a guy next to me eating a fucking hammered, like 50 something years old, just absolutely fucking wasted eating this fucking hot dog with ketchup and onions on it. I swear to God, it looks like he was, he was doing the David Hasselhoff video when he fucking ate the hamburger. He was getting it all over his face, his hands.

He had onions with ketchup. You know, when they dice them up, just like, like snowflakes all over his fucking pants and then he's leaning into me to talk to me covered in onions and ketchup. He's like, why are they going for it right there? Fucking complete animals. And then the worst part was littered within that. You'd see some older fans, like older couples, cute older people, you know, with Bob Greasy and Jim Langer fucking jerseys sitting there.

And you're trying to think like, are they thinking like what happened? But then again, they also went to football games during the 70s. So God knows what the hell they saw. I don't know. All I know, it was so fucked up. At halftime, we actually left and went inside and kind of just fucking regrouped and just tried to find an area where we could sit where you could just be away from that. Dude, I had like fucking like three beers spilled on me.

We're on the lower level too. And I expect that the upper level of any fucking stadium, you expect that behavior. But I was like down here. It's like, where's the corporate people? Where's the Illuminati money? You know, where's the people who are profiting on the street? Profiting off the war, right? Where are those for nowhere to be found?

Just a bunch of fucking animals. So, so here's the funny thing. As I'm sitting there fucking judging them. I mean, dude, these people were so fucking drunk and so fucking gross, like it made me feel like, dude, I don't think I ever want to go to another live sporting event. I would rather be home. Haven't said all of that.

We go to the fucking Miami hurricane FSU game and I literally became that guy. I became that Dolphins fan. Mine is the fucking food all over me. I don't know what happened, dude. I just fucking, I drank way too much. Jesus, I'm still thinking about things that I said at that game. And just kind of going, you know, like when you think of dumb shit you do, you just kind of, I always make noise when I think of shit that I did.

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I'll save your fucking ears. I'll read another couple later. Oh, I got to promote something. Two things I got to promote. For those of you who worked a lot this past week, you might have missed it. I did a very special episode of the Monday Morning Podcast with... Sorry, the fucking battery went between the goddamn cushion. God damn it.

Set these down. There we go. With Joe Perry from Aerosmith, everyone. The one and only. Joe Perry, part of one of the greatest lead singer, lead guitar, Taurus Tandems in rock music history. Tyler Perry, right? Holy shit, Tyler Perry.

I never even thought about that. Tyler Perry presents an Aerosmith album. Jagger Richards, Tyler Perry. I never even thought of that. Anyways, it was a great interview and I had a great time with him. And I deliberately did not go into all of the stupid fucking, you know. So what's it like to get on stage and play good? I asked a couple of music-y questions, but I've always found with those guys, you know,

just to give them a break. If you talk about a bunch of other shit, they really can have a good time. And, you know, so we talked about, rather than talking about rock music and what was it like in the 70s and all that, I did a little bit of that shit. I tried to do it in a different way. I, I don't know, we talked about home invasion, owning a gun, some of the worst torture, like ways to die. And he was right there, right there with it.

Very well read man. And we had a great time. And actually somebody sent me a question about it. It was like Joe Perry, dear Billy, it was a blind man. Then I guess that's an Aerosmith song reference in case you missed it. That late nineties hit. Well, dude, they have like nine million hits. You got to get a little more specific than that.

I said, I love the Perry podcast so much. I heard him on Rogan and Opie and Jimmy, and he sounds like the coolest guy ever. He is the coolest guy ever. Considering I showed up with my little bullshit apparatus, two microphones, and I forgot a mic cord. And he goes, oh yeah, my neighbors got one. And he got up and ran over there to go get one. He came back, it was the wrong thing, didn't fit.

He ran back over again, and I'm sitting alone in his friggin house going, Joe Perry is going to get me a mic cord like it's no biggie. That's how fucking cool that guy is. I was so fucking embarrassed. Listen to it. You'll hear it. All of that on there. Anyways, he goes, no excuses.

You have to have them back on. Oh, good. I'm glad you liked the interview. I don't do a lot of those. I said, next time block off two hours so we can get our feel. How surreal is it that you know him and that he's a fan of yours? I know you're not the biggest name dropper. No names, he says.

But who else have you befriended since becoming the famous stud you are that blows your mind every time you think about it? Sincerely, no name from East Boston kid. East Boston kid. All right. Well, I wouldn't say I have a cult following. I'm at a very cool level of notoriety, right? Which is a good thing considering my behavior at the fucking Florida state

Miami hurricane game. Oh my God, did I get fucking hammered? I woke up so fucking hung over that I wasn't really, you know, I wasn't really keen on drinking. So I started slow because the night before. Oh, let me back up here for a second. Or should I answer the Joe Perry question? I'll answer the Joe Perry question first and then I'll tell the whole fucking

story of my lost weekend out there in Fort Lauderdale. All right. So what is your question? Who else have I befriended since people started to know me? You know, I don't know. People, a few people here or there, you know, yeah, it does, you know, blows your mind. It's more like people. You know what it really is?

It's people who were famous before I got into this business. You know what I mean? As opposed to like, you know, a lot of people become famous now at like 20 years younger than I am. So I just look at him and I just see, I just see some kid, you know, driving around in a Ferrari and I just think I hope that person saves their money because this and I'll tell his business is a rough one, you know, that's all I think, you know. So I don't really go like, you know, I guess it's, yeah, it's people that athletes and

entertainers that when I was a kid and they were bigger than life, like if I meet anybody who played football, hockey, basketball, baseball, when I was a kid, like, oh, when I was down on the sidelines, I ended up meeting Nat Moore. I'll put that video up. He was famous when he got hit and he helicoptered around and still held onto the ball. To me, that's fucking cooler than meeting, I don't know, Kid Rock or something like that. Nothing against Kid Rock. He just was, you know, he's a kid to me.

And I don't mean that a disrespectful way. I mean, I'm happy for him and all that type of stuff, but it was just like, I didn't grow up on his music. By the time that guy hit, I was well into my 30s, fucking up my 20th goddamn relationship. So I was just in a different place. Like music means so much to you when you're in your teenage years. So obviously Joe Perry's a big name, but I don't name names. And I don't, I don't know, I just always feel like those people are completely inundated

with that shit. And last thing they need is somebody else talking about them. So I will say, as far as like the etiquette, when you do meet somebody like that is you don't ask for a picture, you don't ask for an autograph. And if you have any fucking sort of sense is you don't talk about all the shit that they've done because they've talked about it to death. And the last thing, the last thing, like, I don't know, a fucking, if you met somebody who landed on the moon, do you met one of those guys?

The last thing they want to talk about is what it was like to land on the fucking moon. They've been talking about it since 1969. If you can somehow find out what their hobby is, like say you got a fucking astronaut and he's into gardening and you actually know a little bit about growing fruits and vegetables. If you actually talk to that guy about that at a fucking party, that guy's eyes would fucking lock in on you like a laser because he finally gets to talk about something else. That's a theory I have.

Some people like talking about the shit that they do. But anyways, you asked me, yeah, like Joe Perry, that is definitely someone, you know, that I still, you know, you're just looking at him going like, you know, that's fucking Joe Perry. It's fucking Joe Perry and he's sitting here and I'm interviewing him and he's right next to a guitar. And despite the fact I want to ask him to pick it up and show me how to play toys in the attic, I'm not going to fucking do it. But anyways, yeah, well, it also helps too, if you're doing the interview, if you've got to

know the person a little bit and you find out all the other shit that they're into, but I figured that out a long time ago. I did, I hope this isn't coming off like an arrogant ass. It's another reason why I don't fucking drop any names because oh, I was doing this and I was hanging out with this guy. I was doing this thing for the baseball awards where they like give out the Cy Young award and all that and they had, we wanted to have a comedian there just in case the baseball players weren't being funny. And what killed me was not only were they funny, they were fucking hilarious and they told great stories. And then I felt like I wasn't even worthy of being there. I remember Willie Randolph in particular was fucking hilarious because he had

just left the Yankees to manage the Mets. And he was really funny, you know, talking shit to the Yankees and Joe Tory and all those guys. So anyways, I'm standing backstage waiting to go on and Bernie Williams is there. And I was like, and I just went through the Rolodex. All right, last thing you want to say is what's it like to play center field for the Yankees? Because he'll answer it. He'll just glaze over. But I'd seen on the yes network, you know, that he was a musician and he played with this band. He was actually really fucking good. So I just started talking music to the guy. Oh, wait, this was afterwards. This was afterwards. I started talking music with him. And he just totally fucking that glazed over. I'm super famous look went away and it was just

talking to him. And then all of a sudden, this other baseball player who I think was pissed because the Red Sox had just beat the Yankees for the first time ever when we were down three games to none. And I gave him a little bit of shit, like just a crowd in general. And I think he was mad at me and he came walking up and just like with this fucking ridiculous energy was just ignoring me and staring at the side of Bernie Williams head. And it kind of was like, all right, all right, guys, see you later. And I walked away to this day. I wish I wish I said something, but he seemed like he was fucking pissed. So whatever, I'm just some punk comedian. So I fucking walked away. So anyways, yeah, so anybody famous, I've done a couple of table reads where, you know,

actually, I did a table read with one of the guys I already made a reference to eating a fucking hamburger. I did a table read with him. And he was the coolest fucking dude ever and looked great. Like you just looked at the guys like that guy had to be a fucking movie star. Look at him. Look at him. He's fucking ridiculous looking. And I was totally cool and a funny son of a bitch, but I don't really name names or anything like that. But yeah, that answers the question. If they were famous and they I loved what they did when I was a kid, it's fucking over. You know what I mean? Like if I met Tom Brady, you know, hey, all right, whatever. But if I met Steve Grogan or Matt Kavanaugh or Sam Cunningham, Don Calhoun, right, John Hannah, Raymond Claiborne,

those guys, Cedric Maxwell, Terry O'Reilly, Stan Jonathan, if I meet those fucking guys, I turn into a little schoolgirl. Yeah, I meet Tom Brady. I just feel old and I'm reminded that I never made it to the NFL. No disrespect. That's all. Speaking of Tom Brady, how about that fucking huge win? I'm starting to become a fucking believer. Can you even can you believe anything this year in the NFL? I hope you're not gambling this year. And if you're gambling this year, and you're actually making money, there's no way you're actually looking at the information and making any sort of intelligent guess, because there's nothing to, even like the analysts on TV are just sitting there going like, Oh, what do you do with this? What do you do with this information

here? Every other week, like some team that looks like the other team completely falls apart. And then another team comes on. So now all of a sudden the Patriots, after looking like they were finished, they had written them off, they've beaten the Broncos and the Colts. Now, the dumb football fan goes, Yeah, that's it. That means we're the best team in the AFC, rather than just going like that was just a fucking regular season game in October or November. I love that we beat those teams. But sometimes I actually wish you lose those ones because I think it's easier when you get into the playoffs and you're already lost. For some reason, it always seems like the team that lost comes back and wins. So I don't see us get into the big dance there

without having to play the Colts and the Broncos, at least one of them, if not both of them again. You know, and as my buddy Keith Robinson, the always sunshiny Keith Robinson was saying is that if the Broncos go out and they sign the guy who fucking whipped his kid with the tree branch on his ball bag, if they sign him or the guy that dropped the chicken, the fucking elevator, if they sign one of them, you know, they sign one of them, then all of a sudden they have a running game and we suck against the run, although we looked pretty good last night. I'll tell you right now, that's a completely different Broncos team and the team that showed up back in October. Dude, how annoying are those no more commercials? It's fucking unbelievable,

just the whole tone of those where they're talking to you like you know a woman that's been beaten, that's being beaten and you're not saying anything. It's like, dude, that's what you guys did. Why don't you show that video to yourself? Do you realize that the fucking mind fuck on that thing? They did the thing that and they did the thing, right? Now they yell at you like you did it. No more. No more. She closed the refrigerator door and forgot to take her fucking head out, right? Stop looking the other way. Do you fucking believe the balls of the NFL to come at their fan base with that fucking tone, sitting there watching your product so you're making money and all of a sudden you're going to

start yelling at me for the shit you did, you fucking stuff suit cunt. Unfucking believable. You watch that fucking video. I don't even get me started on all of that shit. All of this, that whole getting offended thing. Can you believe that scientist had to apologize for that comic con fucking shirt he was wearing after landing an unmanned fucking drone on a comet that's hurling through space? He had to apologize. Who the fuck are they apologizing to? I don't know anybody who's a member of a group. I don't know anybody who sends in complaints. I don't know anybody who gets offended. I don't know anybody. It's fucking unreal, dude. It's like getting offended now. It's like a, it's not even, it's not even truly

being offended anymore. It's just, it's like a, it's like a marketing move. It's like, okay, everybody tweet in three, two, one, boom. And then you have 500 tweets, the same fucking thing. And then it starts trending. We do that at all things comedy. Like we have a big, we're trying to raise money here for our, for our new studios to get some high quality equipment in there. And we just all tweet out at the same time. And then all of a sudden it becomes a little movement there, but that doesn't mean the whole world is thinking what all things comedy is thinking. All right, let's get to the fucking game. So anyways, so after we did the show out in West Palm Beach, we came back and I bought probably the greatest assortment of Cuban cigars ever amassed

by a redheaded balding freckled guy 46 years of age in the fucking West Palm Beach area. Whatever, I brought a great selection of cigars, but like 25 fucking cigars. I brought enough cigars. So everybody, the four people that I thought were going to be there. So we all could smoke three a day if we wanted to, I knew I would have some leftover. So we're huffing away late at night, laughing up balls off me and Versey for the nine millionth time had the Matt Castle fucking argument. You know, where he said the Patriots made a big mistake getting rid of the guy and he kicked you dude. He won 11 games and I kept going with a team that won 16. Paul, that's a five. He won five less fucking games. That's like 30% less games. So if that team was

nine and seven, 30% less of fucking nine games, three games. Now that team goes six and 10. Do you understand that? You just keep looking at 11 games. Ah, fucking drove me nuts. All right. Then he goes out to KC. He gets hurt and they fucking cheer. Midwestern classy fucking people. They cheer. So anyways, we had that fight to like four in the morning. It's just a great, just a great hang, you know, just sitting there smoking cigars out by the pool, right near the fucking water. It's the greatest goddamn thing ever. And then we go to bed. We wake up the next day. The fucking blender's going. The guitar guy had gone home. I missed the guy, man. I wanted him to fucking wake up Verzi again, because it was just too

fucking funny. He had already gone home. Great dude. And then we fucking these guys start drinking and I'm drinking waters for like the first two hours I'm up. I'm drinking waters. I'm doing the right thing. And then I cracked open my first beer and then I didn't want to get a beer belly. I started drinking fucking crown Royal and still sober. Took a cab to the game. Everything's going great. We get out there and this is funny thing. Now we go to the exact same fucking stadium where we went and we saw those dolphin fans, all of them looking like they just dressed like they just survived a fucking hurricane and grabbed whatever they could put on before they walked out. Honestly, one of the most depressing fan bases I've ever seen in my fucking life,

the Miami Dolphin fans. Then you go to the Miami Hurricane FSU game completely night and day. Unbelievably festive fucking atmosphere. Bunch of young people. They got their lives ahead of them. All right. Good looking people. That was just great. That college football spirit. People singing songs, doing the chant. It was fucking awesome. And I don't know. I started with the whiskeys and I just kept going and Jesus Christ, dude. I don't know what happens to me. I don't even like the hurricanes, but I get when I go to these games every year, I root for the fucking home team and they've yet to win. All right. I went to A&M Alabama last year in College Station, Alabama wins. The year before that, LSU Alabama

in Baton Rouge, Alabama wins. The year before that, I went to fucking Texas, Oklahoma, the Red River game. I know that they play at the Cotton Bowl neutral site, but it's in Texas, Oklahoma wins. And now this year, Miami Hurricanes in Miami and FSU wins. I, the amount of fucking FSU fans that I fucking was given shit to, like I cared. I didn't even care as they were doing that Tomahawk chop. I was singing at the top of my lungs. Genocide. You fat fuck. It was fucking brutal. Made a complete spectacle of myself. You know, the hurricanes came out just fucking killing them in the first half and you just knew. You saw it. You saw it. You just saw it. Too much time left.

They had to come out and score and they fucking didn't. Their field goal kicker missed an extra point and a fucking field goal. And I can't believe anything of Verzi shit because he wants to get rid of the extra point. Yeah, it's fucking 99% of them a minute. Yeah. And it's that 1% that adds the goddamn drama. So anyways, I apologize to anybody who saw me at that game. And once again, I'm on the wagon. I still had like five Cuban cigars left and I just left them at the house. I just said, I got to walk away from that habit. And I'm not going to drink or smoke until New Year's Day when I'm at the Rose Bowl. And then I'll make another spectacle of myself. I guess, you know, something that guy earlier when he was trying to say that, you know, when I was telling him,

I just had a certain level of notoriety. I am right about that because my behavior at these football games, the fact that there's no cell phone video of it, let you know where I'm at in this, this, this business of show. All right, let's read some of the stuff. Oh man, hey, did anybody watch Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel this week? And see saw the absolute genius Joe Rogan, one of my favorite comics of all time was on there. I didn't even know he was on there. And they were talking about city people who are going out and hunting their own meat, you know, killing deer and wild pigs and shit. So there's as little suffering as possible. So there's no drugs or that type of thing. Hopefully, you know, really, really interesting thing. And I,

when they were watching them slaughter in the cows and the pigs and all in the chickens and shit, every time I see that, I always think, man, I can't, I can't be a part of that. I got to learn how to be a fucking vegetarian or find out where the fucking, you know, the one where they just walk, I don't know, it's just fucking awful. Fucking awful. I mean, but then it's weird, like, you know, out in the wild, they all die fucking horrific deaths. That's all the wilderness is, it's just murder going on all the fucking time out there. I don't know, but there's got to be a better fucking way. I hate when they sit there and I don't know, there's just something about it. I don't know. I like animals.

I also like a good steak, you know, maybe you know what I'll do is I'll fucking knock down the consumption of it a lot. I don't know what it's fucking bad, but I am actually excited that watching Brian Gumbel and them and they're talking about, they're really openly talking about all the shit that's in food now and what the fuck they're doing to animals because the food lobby was so strong, they actually had a thing where they, it was actually illegal to even say what was in the food. And that's what kills me is we're fucking sitting there going over to the Middle East, fucking with these little pussy ass terrorist groups that have maybe 30,000 fucking members. ISIS, let me tell you something right. I would love to see ISIS attack Alabama and see how far

ashore they could get with their complete lack of planes and boats and all of this shit to fucking sit there and act like these cunts or any sort of a threat to us over here. It's so fucking ridiculous. And meanwhile you got these people poisoning the food supply. That's not an act of terrorism. It's fucking unbelievable. I don't know. I'm on my soapbox now. I'm on my fucking soapbox. It's dumb as I am. I could end the fucking terrorist groups over and fucking the Middle East like without firing a fucking shot. All you do is just gradually get us on to electric and solar power over here. Now, granted, this takes everybody following along and buying into it. All right. You know, these Tesla cars and all that type of shit, they don't need any fucking oil.

And then you just drill for oil over here for whatever oil you need. You just gradually wean yourself off like Brazil did. Brazil did the same thing. They don't have to give them any money. And then what happens is they'll just go bankrupt. All the money. How do you think terrorists get fucking money? They get, they get money. It's oil money that they fucking send it through the mosque through donations to the religion. And then they fucking break them off some. It's a fucking joke. So if we're not buying their oil, they don't have any fucking money. And then they go bankrupt. And then you know what, then they got to go out and get a real fucking job. And then it's it. And then, you know, something we're also not over there accidentally killing the wrong

fucking people, breeding more fucking terrorists would be simple as shit, right? Then maybe we come over here and focus on these cunts that are feeding cows to other cows, right? Wouldn't that make sense? Yeah, you can never do it. All you had to do is go to the Miami Dolphin game and look at the looks on the fucking people's faces. There's no way you could ever get that across to people because there's too much money on the other side lying to people and they would just fucking buy into it. And I know I completely oversimplified it, but the biggest point in that all of that is Brazil did that. Brazil does what do they got? What are they running on? Cane sugar or whatever? They just fucking used their own natural fucking resource over there. I don't know what the hell

they run their cars on. But I read it at one point. All right. So anyways, Joe Rogan's on there and they're just showing them going out hunting and and these other people and it looked really, I don't know, it was really fucking amazing to see that type of thing. I mean, if you got the fucking time and the money to go boar hunting, I don't know. It was interesting to me. I just look completely lost my train of thought as I'm sitting here looking at this. Oh, I got to correct something that I said wrong on the Joe Perry podcast. I thought the Paradise Club closed like 20 years ago. I actually fucked up what it was, was they used to do, they used to do the WBCN comedy riot there, which was with the best

up and coming comedian. And they stopped doing it there. And then they started doing it stitches and stitches closed. So I think that that's what I was thinking about. I tried to say the Paradise Club closed and it did not. It's the same club that you two and the police and some really big bands and some of their first live gigs in the States. They came over here and played and there we go. Let's get into some more of the questions of this week. Oh wait, I got to read a couple more advertising things here. We'll fucking blow through this here. Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Big Shave companies must think we're a bunch of scumbag criminals. Why else do they lock their razors up in that maximum security plastic razor fortress in the

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then the mailman picks it up. So easy and convenient. I use stamps.com to send out all my posters whenever I want to sell crap at the end of my shows. And you know what, you can use it, you should do it too. Right now, get this special offer when you go to my, when you use my last name burr, BURR for a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer, which includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Do not wait, go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burr, BURR, that stamps.com enter burr. All right, yeah, this person brought this up here, Paradise Rock Club, Dear, Dear Wild Bill. Contrary to popular belief, the Paradise Rock Club is still

alive and well, I'm only 21, so I wasn't alive for the golden age of music, but I've seen some good shit there. Have you ever gone to see a band at a small venue that ended up being huge? Anyways, love your show, go fuck yourself. Did I ever see? No, Jesus Christ, the fucking cigars. No, no, I didn't. No, I didn't. I have seen people that are now dead though, you know, who died tragically. I saw Stevie Ray Vaughan. And then I've seen, you know, some of those heavy metal shows where guys live the life and die too young. But as far as that other stuff, no, I know I haven't. I would never went to the small venues. I was really mainstream Billy back then. I was listening to hair metal. I mean, what do you want from me? All right, home purchase situation.

Billy, my girlfriend and I just purchased our first home. Congratulations. I hope you don't run into the problems that I've run into. He said, brand new from a builder during the upgrade selection session. Our saleswoman was aloof, dropping tiles, dropping her computer, slurring, et cetera. She didn't give any firm prices and wouldn't provide a written price list of optional upgrades. Ooh, that's all. It's all a major red flag. She's on some sort of drugs. She's aloof and she's not giving you the information you need to make an intelligent decision. I hate this. I hate how this is going so far. After our visit, we emailed her upgrades that we might be interested in, but asked her to provide firm prices so we could decide three

days past no response. So we emailed the builder directly to ask for a few for a new sales rep. In the email, we of course, speculate that she may have been boozing. Boy, were we wrong. He tells us that she is in fact the survivor of a traumatic brain injury. Even worse, about a day later, I get an email to connect with her on linked and she shares the same last name as the builder. Oh God. So basically, we called his wife a drunk after something clearly terrible happened. Is this guy going to build us a piece of shit house or do you trust that we will be okay? Would you wash your hands of this and buy something else? Thanks for all that you do and go fuck yourself. I don't know. Is he deliberately going to build it like shit and

risk getting sued? Probably not, but you know, you definitely got to try to clear the air there. But you know, I mean, what the fuck brain injury and not, I mean, you got to give us what we're asking for here. Jesus, that's God, I mean, I can't even make any comedy out of that. That's just fucking tragic. I mean, yeah, you could always just, I mean, if he hasn't started the job, you could always move on. But you know, they should say something, they should fucking say something to you. Somebody's going to be slurring and dropping shit on the floor. Just give me a heads up. You know what, you got a hoodwink there. That right there would not hold up in a court of law. That was entrapment. You can't do that to people. So yeah, I wouldn't feel

that. I mean, you feel bad or human to human level, but don't feel bad like you, it's not like you knew that. You know, with all these fucking shows on TV about interventions, how did you know that? She wasn't drunk on the fucking job. All right, I got to get running here. Let me blow through these last two. Transcendent meditation. Dear Bill Bergenstock, love the show. I wanted to hear your opinion on something called transcendental meditation. I can't even say it. I don't know what that is. Is that the one where you're laying on the floor, but you feel like you're floated out of the room? Very quick story. I'm a 21 year old film student and I fell in love with David Lynch films ever since I found out about them six months ago. I've always wanted to make stories like this,

but never found that creative spark. I looked up more about him and found out he was a big advocate, advocate of TM. Thank you for abbreviating that. Transcendental, transcendental meditation. Actually, in fact, he created a whole organization dedicated to teaching poverty schools, TM and also claims most of his creativity to it. Sounds pretty good so far. I really believe that meditation can benefit people very much. However, here is where it starts to sound odd. In order to learn TM, you must have a certified TM instructor teach you how to do it over a week for around 1500 bucks. They say you need an instructor because he gives you a personal mantra, which is the core of TM. I'm very concerned. I'm very conflict about TM because on one hand, many people I look up to

and respect support TM such as Jerry Seinfeld, Martin Scorsese, Clint Eastwood and a ton more celebrity TM list. However, on the other hand, something doesn't feel right about charging $1,500 for something that they claim is very simple to understand. If it was so helpful and simple, why don't they just make a YouTube tutorial about it? Somebody probably did. There's a lot more that I left out because I didn't want to bore anyone non-interested. TM counter argument, TM benefits, just wanted to hear your option. Have a blessed day and go fuck yourself. Yeah, I mean, I would just go on YouTube. I would learn how to do it. I used to actually be able to meditate and get that feeling where I felt like as I was laying on the floor and just picturing my stomach going up and down,

focusing on the breath, all of a sudden my stomach would feel like it was like 30 feet away from my head all of a sudden. And I felt like I was floating in my head and it was awesome. And then somewhere along the line, as I was meditating, I would start to get to that place and I would be started to think like, oh, good, it's happening. Here we go. I'm going to start feeling like I'm floating and then it makes it go away. And I haven't been able to get past that block because you have to not give a shit because it got really fucking frustrating. So I would, I don't know, I would just keep talking about it to people and eventually you'll fucking meet somebody and they could give you some tips. And they could teach you how to do some shit. I don't think you need to

pay $1,500 to learn how to meditate. I would imagine that this is something that throughout, I mean, it's not something we learned how to do within the last 20 years. This probably have been done for centuries and parents probably just taught it to their kids. So I don't think that you need something like that. I bet this, this got to be another way to do it. All right, I got to wrap this thing up. All right, real quick, kicked out of McDonald's drive through. Dear Billy Red Tits, this past week, four of my friends came over to my house to drink some beers. Well, we got drunk and like most drunk people, we started that we were hungry. So we asked our sober friend, bullshit, you did. Don't drink and drive. Fuck you. Y'all jumped in the car

hammered. If you can take us to McDonald's, we hopped in his car and get to the drive-through. A lady welcomes us and asks for our order. My other friend being drunk in the backseat said, dude, you should get her number. A sober friend who is driving asked a girl working the drive-through if he could get her number. Now, keep in mind that we don't even know what this lady looks like. Immediately the lady flips out and says, if you're going to do that, then you should just leave. After that, she said that all of us in the car start, after she said that, all of us in the car start pleading, telling her we just want some McChickens. She is still not having it and says that we need to leave. We leave and end up going to Jack in the Box. So my question for you is,

did we deserve to get kicked out or was it a cunt move from this girl? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, I wasn't there, so I didn't hear how you asked, but the way that you guys tell the story, no, you shouldn't have. But you know, we live in a world right now where anything, anything that a man does in the direction of a woman is some sort of sexist thing, rape, no more. It's just, I mean, I don't know what, I don't know. Like the last year and a half, all of a sudden it's just like, you just sitting at home as a guy at this point, at least I do. It's like, do we do anything right, ladies? Is there anything that we do that doesn't make you feel like a second class citizen that could be violated physically or sexually? You know,

there's a bunch of sweetheart guys out there. You wouldn't know it. You wouldn't know it by watching these fucking goddamn fucking, they drive me nuts. After a while, after like the 2000s commercial, them talking about how difficult it is for them to do something because they have a vagina, you just want to be like, dude, do you think my life's a cakewalk? Is that what you think it is? That's like sort of the whole basis behind so much of that complaining. You know, my life is harder than yours. And despite the fact that I've never been you and attempted to achieve something, I somehow know exactly how easy your life is. Even though if you ever tried to suggest that you realized anything about my life, I would flip

out on you for speaking for me as a woman, but I will speak for you as a man all fucking day long. It's all a bunch of fucking horseshit. All right. You know, they should make the same amount an hour and you know, the amount of people actually out there hitting women. I mean, Jesus fucking commercials on that. You would think that it was fucking you'd walk down the street and there's just women laying littering the fucking sidewalk from getting dropped. You know what I mean? And then what's funny is the fucking guys who actually, you know, tried to cover it up are now yelling at people like me who don't do it with their commercial, trying to get the dirt off of them. I've had it. Well, I fucking had it with all of them.

And I hate how fucking sports is just becoming like this platform for your cause. They're not even sports fans. These fucking people who aren't sports fans going in with their fucking cause, you know, those stand up for cancer things that they were doing during the World Series. I have friends who die of cancer, but I would never fucking do that to somebody in the middle of a baseball game. Are you going to a movie and just tap somebody on the shoulder? Hey, hit pause on the movie. Hey, by the way, just let you know, there's people suffering from cancer and a good friend of mine died of cancer. And by the end of it, I could have picked them off the bedsheet with two fingers. All right, go back to the

movie and enjoy yourself. I think it's unbelievably intrusive and it's fucking rude. You know what I mean? I don't know. That's just my fucking thought. All right. Everybody knows this cancer. Everybody knows it's awful and everybody's fucking giving money to it. All right. Are you not getting enough fucking money? And this is what kills me. So many of those fucking groups where you give them the money, the amount of money that actually goes to the people with cancer, the amount of money that actually goes to the women that are being beaten, the actual money that actually trickles down after you get through that fucking mesh corporate fucking structure is a joke. And I'm telling you the NFL with that pink lady,

they were about ready to get busted. And if you noticed, there was way less pink this year. And you know, that wasn't because fans were bitching because they don't give a fuck because they're all about the fucking bottom line. I'm telling you the shit was about ready to hit the fan and they're going to slowly walk away from each other. And I guarantee you in 10 years, seven, 10 years, the real story will come out. The NFL will pay a little bit of a fine, but most people who perpetrated the fine will not be there anymore. And they'll just be like, well, you know, we're looking into that. That was definitely something we wish didn't happen. All right, that's my negative shit for this fucking week. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll talk to you next week. And oh, dude, I didn't even bring up the Bruins, dude. I just didn't have the time this week to fucking brutal losses five to one against the Maple Leafs five to one against the Canadians, Canadians rolling along looking good. We got back on track beating the hurricanes, but yeah, that was definitely a bad fucking week. So whatever, it's still only November. What are you going to do? But I don't know, Canadians are looking good, man. I hate the Canadians so much. I actually follow them on my phone. I actually have their app just so I can keep up to see if they're winning or losing and just sit there rooting against them. And it's fucking hilarious. I'm rooting against them and they're leaving me texts like, second period,

we're up two and one, go habs go. And I'm like, fuck you to my phone. It's not that bad, but you know what I mean? All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. The answer for a BMW with the BMW premium selection certificate lets you slide through both. Because his quality, he feels you and that he's reliable, that you know. Above all, you now enjoy four year warranty on your certified second-hand car. BMW premium selection. Trust your instinct, follow your mind.