Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-17-17

Episode Date: July 18, 2017

Bill rambles about the lottery, video games and halitosis.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, July 17th, 2017. What's going on? How are ya? July 17th, 2017. I'm going to go play that number. Remember that shit? Maybe you still do it. I always remember that. If all of a sudden somebody got something like a receipt or something and there was a couple of the same numbers, that's what I'm going to play. I'm going to go down there and play it on the megabucks. That's what they had in Massachusetts. My favorite one, best name ever for any lottery, I thought was set for life. That was just the perfect phrase. Every blue collar working stiff, that's what they want. Dude, just fucking set for life. Just sitting there, having a fucking beer, checks rolling in. Don't got to worry about nothing. Set for life. Because if you're working class, you work paycheck to paycheck and it becomes a fucking grind. Set for life. Dude, I could fucking sit right here, right? I could fucking sit right here, dude. Just fucking staring at my fucking toes and I still got that check coming in every month for the rest of my life.

You know why, kid? Because I'm set for life. You hear about Mikey? Dude, he hit the fucking set for life. He's fucking set for life, kid. Doesn't have to do shit, fucking cocksucker. God bless him. Anyways, I'm in a great goddamn mood. Why? Because I got eight hours sleep last night, despite the fact my daughter, is that my daughter in there? She's just waking up and she's trying out her voice now. Remember when Mariah Carey used to hit those really high notes? She's doing that. Every time I look over like, oh my God, she's just looking at me and she has like her legs in her arm, everything's like up in the air and she's smiling at you. It's like impossible to get upset. You just start laughing. It's actually riffing about that this weekend in Grand Rapids going on. I wonder if that works as an adult. You cut somebody off in traffic and they look over you.

If you're somehow flexible enough, we could just put both arms and both legs in the air. Just give them that fucking baby grin. That might have been the creepiest image I've ever thought of. There you go. It would just creep them out and be like, oh my God, should that guy even be driving? I think there's something wrong with them in a mental department there. So anyways, I want to thank everybody that came out to the shows at the Fountain Street Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan. It is and it is continuing to be one of my favorite gigs I've ever done. I know I always say I'm going to put up pictures. I didn't put up a picture of my drum kit like I said I was going to and I'll tell you why. Because I got these simple stands and the ones that I wanted. I just wanted the single bracket ones. I don't like those double bracket like I'm going to go play in a fucking hurricane. They weigh 9,000 goddamn pounds.

I accidentally ordered those instead of the ones I wanted. So I had to return those and now today I'm going to pick up the right ones. I just want to have it all set up when you see it. I want you to see it, right? I want it to have the fucking right look. I'm not going to have it like, you know, here's the car I bought and I don't have the fucking the tires on it. So, but speaking of drums, my booking agent, my Ruben Kincaid is, you know, is telling him how much fun I have when I go on the road. If I find a place where I can go play drums, he goes, you know, we could put it in your rider that, you know, anytime you do a couple nights at a theater, they can set up a drum kit there. I go, get the fuck out of here. That sounds like some diva shit. He goes, then he goes, dude, they have music acts there all the time. It's no big deal. So I was like, all right. So I show up at the fountain street church and they had a fucking they had a this Yamaha kit with this fucking horrific white trash,

like leopard skin wrap. I don't know what I don't even know what to call it. It was like somewhere between the stray cats way back in the day. And poison, maybe, you know, it actually looked like the fucking stretchy pants that the slutty girls would wear it. They have your metal concerts. It was the same kind of print. And I'm looking at those things going like, what the fuck are these? And she goes, don't worry. Everybody always says that sit down and play him. And the kick sounded amazing. And I was able to, thanks to my drum teacher, you know, I have a game plan when I try to tune something up and I got the snare to sound great. And I went in on this fucking hilarious. I go in there on Saturday to play. I'm like about an hour before the doors open. So I went in there and I was fucking wailing on him. And when I got off the kit, I, you know, I was literally like in like the place where the priest dresses and shit, puts on all the fucking flowing ponchos and shit. And I walked out and there was no one in the church and I walked in the parking lot and there was like fucking six of the security guys just standing out there.

I was like, sorry. Sorry. It was still a lot would have been great if they actually had him out on the stage. I would have left them there for the show wouldn't have bugged me, but it would have sounded fucking unbelievable. This giant church and I didn't realize because, you know, last time I played there only played one night. It kind of came into town. I did it. I was like, what the hell was that? That was fucking incredible. And then I left, but this time, you know, it was there for like two days, three nights. And I was able to read up on like the history of it. Listen to this shit. This is all the people that perform there because there was no bigger venue. That was the biggest venue in the, I guess, Western Michigan or whatever, or at least in Grand Rapids. So if anybody big came there, they went there. Everyone Winston Churchill spoke there. Helen Keller spoke there. Blind and deaf learned how to fucking read and write and speak somehow. Figure that one out. Who else?

Amelia Earhart, Malcolm X, that I say Winston Churchill, Duke Ellington, Ella Fitzgerald, Dave Brubeck, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, U2 and like 1984 played there. I think Zeppelin and Pink Floyd was obviously on their first tours and that's just, that's just what I can remember. Trying to picture when I was looking at the wall, who else I saw there. I mean, it was fucking incredible. Eleanor Roosevelt and they have like pictures of them and then like their little thank you notes and shit. It was a fucking ridiculous BB King and then make. I think I said that in the video that I took, which I will actually post. And I promise you, I'll give you a picture of my drum kit this week. So anyways, we are on to episode two of efforts for family. We're recording the first one. Just remember this. Just remember me telling you this, recording the first one on July 18, 2017.

You wait to see how long it takes before you fucking see it. Fucking animation, man. Takes forever. But anyways, let me talk about, what should I talk about here? How about this? How about how great fucking Grand Rapids is? And it's one of my favorite cities. I was there with Dean Del Rey and he was fucking murdering all week. And he had a bunch of fans came out too. People flying in to see him. And then he went on to Detroit to go play some rock club like after, after our show Saturday night. But there was this place, I course, I force forget the fucking name of it. But they had all these old video games in there. The fuck was it called? And why is my stomach still growling?

I had a bowl of cereal. Trying to stab myself before the fucking acting gig. Oh, by the way, thank you for all your guys suggestions, Zach slash criticism of my, my dieting or whatever. This guy goes, dude, you can't say you're crushing it. You know, you crushed it. If at night you're still having a drink or two. It's like, hey, you fucking think I don't realize that? Mom. Yes, I realized that. But anyways, what was it called? Stella's of some shit? I can't fucking remember. But we went down there and they evidently they had a great burger, which I didn't have. Went to this healthy place and got this fucking wrap, right in a water, water.

And then we went over there because they had all these pinball machines and shit and me and Dean are fucking old as shit. And we walked in there. They only had one pinball machine, but they had all these great old video games. And we showed up, right? And we sounded like two fucking kids. D just goes, they got asteroids. I think we blew 10 bucks playing that. I've never been one of those guys, never been a video game guy, just haven't been because they're so fucking awesome. They were like addicting, but that is something. Remember back in the day when you would watch MTV Cribs and then like these fucking people would have these video games in their, in their houses. And I used to always think like, I always feel like you buy those and then you never fucking use them.

Like you use it for like the first day and then it's just like, oh wait, I got to go to work. You know, I have to work so I can pay for this big giant stupid machine that I could have just pumped a couple of quarters into and let somebody else own and deal with the fucking maintenance. However, if I was ever going to buy one, it would be asteroids. And my number two is a game that not a lot of people know about. And I think for the most part, they've all disappeared. It was a fucking great game. At least I loved it. It was called elevators. And it was basically, if I vaguely remember it, it was like spy versus spy kind of thing.

You were dressed in white and all the bad guys were dressed in black, almost kind of looking like dressed like the spy versus spy from Mad Magazine. And you had to get in an elevator and on each floor, they were these bad guys. And as you pass the floor, they'd be shooting at you from the right or from the left. And you had to get all the way up to the top of the building and get something and then come back down again. And the worst was when you were going back down again and you'd be shooting at the guy and the guy would duck and he'd lay down on the floor and as you went by when you couldn't raise your gun up and it was just your head at floor level,

he'd blow your fucking brains out. I used to play that one. I'd buy either one of those, I guess. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't have fucking wasted money. But we had a great time and I got a killer picture of Dean in his total fucking Rockstar pose playing the game. And I think he already tweeted it out. So if you look at Dean Delray's Twitter thing, you can find that shit. So we did that and I want to thank people at Dr. Grinn's Comedy Club.

I went down there and did a quick spot, you know, went up, did some jokes or whatever. And it was funny when Dean was up there, he fucking started trashing this woman who was sitting in the front row because she wouldn't shut up. And I said to the other comics there going, I've like, it was one of those deals as a comedian, you'll be on stage and someone's talking and commenting on your jokes. And then you don't realize most of the crowd can't hear it. So you're kind of supposed to ignore it, I guess, even though it's driving you nuts.

So he just fucking snaps and trashes her. And I was sitting in the back of the club, I said to the other comedians, it's like, you know, it's funny, we couldn't even hear what she said. You probably should have just kept going. I go, I've made that mistake 20,000 fucking times. Then I went up next and I did the exact same thing, exact same thing. And I fucking trashed her and then she got mad, you know, said she was offended by some fucking joke I did about the troops or some shit like that.

It's like, no, it isn't, no, it isn't. I know when you got offended, you fucking egomaniac. When I looked at it, I said something to the effect of, why would you think that you have anything interesting to say? It was one of those lines, which was just really, you know, now that I've said it out loud and I've kind of gotten out of the emotion, it was, it was really mean. I went mean, that's what I did.

I went fucking mean. So anyways, oh, by the way, somebody tried to scam me. They tried to scam old freckles. What do you think you're dealing with here, huh? Some fucking rep bald, Ralph mouth looking motherfucker where you are. That doesn't mean you can scam me though. They almost did. If I wasn't so fucking paranoid,

I'm hanging in the hotel and I get this phone call and I pick it up and it's just this computer going, oh, that's saying that they were calling from Apple and that there was a problem with my iCloud and somebody might be breaking into it and they go, you know, call this number, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, oh, you got to be fucking kidding me. So I start and they say the number twice. I can't remember it. So I just start taking a guess and I punched in like out of the, you know, 10 numbers, you know, one, eight, eight, eight, whatever. I got about six in and it immediately starts dialing.

And I somehow get connected. Now, right there, that should have like tipped me off that these people are just fishing looking for somebody to react to it. So I dialed like six other fucking 10 digits I needed. And then this guy's like, hello. And I was like, yeah, you guys just call it. Well, what is this referring to? It's like you fucking called me. It's about my sound cloud or whatever.

And they go, oh, yes, yes, you have a security problem. But I go, well, who's fucking fault is that? I go, why did you guys set up the cloud if it wasn't going to be like safe? Now you've exposed me all this shit because what I fucking because I downloaded the Royal Blood fucking album. And now all of a sudden somebody's going to drain my bank account, you computer cunts. I wasn't cursing, but I was flipping out. And then he goes, so, sir, we can help you. We can help you over the phone.

We just need to access your computer. I go, you mean access my computer and the guy just starts talking. I go, I go, I don't want to do that over the phone. He goes, sir, this is a very, this is a secure fucking blah, blah, blah. And I go, well, how do I, how do I know? Because you say so. Basically, I wouldn't fucking do it. Just because I was looking at, I was looking at them like they were legit.

But I was just like, well, you already got hacked. Why the fuck would I go with you again? Why don't I just go to the store? So it literally got to the point. He goes, sir, this is, this is a secure, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I just kept going like, well, I don't even know who you are. You just, for all I know, you're one of the guys fucking trying to hack into my computer. Dude, I literally felt like I was in the born identity, you know, when you don't know who to trust, you know,

and you just fucking yelling at the other guy going, you put your gun down. You put your gun down first, right? So finally he gives up on me and he goes, so here's your case number. And, you know, I'll fucking, you know, he says some dumb shit. You've been to Turkey or Jordan recently. It's like, no, no, I saw the 30 for 30 on Len bias when he fucking went one on one against Michael Jordan. You're calling Michigan, you fucking asshole. So anyways, he ends up transferring me and it just fucking hangs up and then I'm like flipping the fuck out.

So I called the guy who produces my fucking show and he just goes, what? He goes, yeah, Apple doesn't call anybody. He goes, nah, man, that's just bullshit. So thank God I'm a paranoid jackass or I might have let something happen there. So I'm just putting that out there. Let you know, I'm sure all you young guys know what it is and you feel so smart. And you're going to shake your head and laugh your ass off at me on Twitter going like, oh, hey, fuck head. How do you not like it's 2017?

Um, I learned that back in 2010. Did you? What else did you learn how not to play a guitar and then still call yourself a musician? Oh, Bill, Bill, come along. Let's not be the old guy here, huh? I got to be honest with you. Delray played me some of that Skrillex guy stuff and I fucking really liked it. I thought it was way different than anybody else.

And that's what I'm learning. Whenever something new comes out as much as your old ears, listen to it and say, what the fuck is that? You just have to know that there's going to be the fucking, the Jimi Hendrix, the Richard Pryor, the Tom Brady, the James Brown. The fucking, it's going to be, you got to find out who that person is of the thing that you're listening to and then you can judge it. Okay. It goes, I swear to God, it goes right back to New York pizza. All these fucking dopes, get off the fucking plane. The first place that says famous New York pizza, they eat it and then they go, this pizza sucks here.

It's like, no, you didn't go to the right place. Okay. You didn't go to the right place. And, um, DJs are like New York's pizza in that fucking everybody thinks they can do it. You know, and everybody's claiming that they're the real fucking deal and everybody's saying they're famous. Everybody's famous Ray, the fucking DJ. And, um, I actually, I really liked his shit. I was like, you know what, I could actually fucking get in the car and drive, listen to this shit, especially at night.

Like this great, like driving songs, like the who eminence front. If you ever want to win a bunch of fucking money playing poker. That's it. Just get your money. Leave getting your car by yourself. The fucking window down and you listen to that song as you drive up to the desert. That's green. One of the top five moments of your life.

Oh, fuck you. I'm old. Um, anyways, what else? What else did I want to talk? Oh, did you guys watch all the Mayweather, um, McGregor pressers as they call them overseas, the press conferences? It was kind of the same thing over and over again with Connor McGregor. You just kept going like, what the fuck? What the fuck is wrong with you?

He's got on a fucking track suit. That form Voltron thing was dumb. And I loved when he trashed him on that. But I will tell you this, watching all of those people showing up for a fucking press conference, they sold out the Barclays center. They sold out where like the Maple Leafs play, I believe in Toronto, the Staples Center, people showing up to watch a fucking press conference. I can tell you this. Oh, cynical bill is going to ruin the pay-per-view for you. Those press conferences are going to be better than the fight.

You know, and the fucking people that are going to order that goddamn fight are the same fucking people that slow down on the highway to watch somebody change a fucking tire. Um, it's like, it's just beyond. It's beyond a spectacle. And hey, people go like, hey, you know, I know it's a spectacle, but you know, I'm just going to watch it to fucking watch it. Um, yeah, I know I'm getting fucked in the ass, but I want to see what it feels like. Dude, that pay-per-view can go fuck itself. Dude, they're riding on the same plane over to fucking London. Get the fuck out of here.

And all this shit McGregor gives Mayweather, there's one topic he completely avoids because it would fuck with ticket sales, which kind of makes him part of the fucking bullshit of that whole thing. You know what I mean? It's just get the fuck out of here. I've given that guy enough fucking goddamn money, given him enough fucking money. I've gotten fucked enough. I've gotten fucked enough by that guy. Like it's professional boxers can't lay a fucking hand on him.

And I'm fucking nodding off by the eighth round as he's poo poo poo poo pointing him to fucking death. Um, now he's going to fight a guy who's not even a bar who used to box. I love they used to box. Yeah. There's a lot of people used to do standup. You want to see them do an HBO special. Um, here's the bottom line. If they ever met each other in a bar and started swinging, McGregor would fucking kill him.

He'd take him to the ground and then Mayweather wouldn't know what to do. So they've eliminated all of that. We know Bill, you've said that. So I don't know. Um, anyways, maybe McGregor's, I mean Mayweather's ego maybe tries to knock him out. I'm just not, I'm not going to fucking watch it. I'm really not. I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to get out on the highway when the fucking fight is on and just cruise down the highway doing 90 miles an hour just looking around going like this is what it should be like.

Like if I was running shit, this would be the level of people that were in the world. I was joking on my, uh, this weekend in, uh, Grand Rapids saying, you know what I would do if I was running shit on the night of the Mayweather McGregor fight, I would turn all the buffalo wild wings into gas chambers. All those fucking mouth breathing morons that were jerseys, you know, with other men's names on the back all day, all day. All of those guys just, you just gone, all of them gone. And you'd watch, I bet, I bet the, the mean, the level of meanness on, on, on the internet would go down. You know, these fight, by the way, these fucking people now who just sit there and they watch CNN or Fox all day long. And then they show up to you and they just start vomiting out all this fucking fearful shit that they just watched. And then after they do that and get you all stirred up, they don't even have the decency to offer a fucking solution.

All these fucking morons. It's just like, why would you sit there and watch Fox news all day? That's all you're going to do. Watch a little CNN, balance out your fucking lies, keep yourself level. Fucking what's his face? My buddy was telling me this weekend, you know, it's going to global warming is going to get so hot, you know, they're saying they're not going to be able to fly planes out of LaGuardia. And I'm, and I'm immediately, I'm thinking like, how the fuck am I going to be a comedian anymore? You know, and then that was it.

He didn't offer any fucking solutions. He just let me know like, Hey, in the future, you're not going to be able to do your job. And then I'm starting to fucking think about, you know, me and my family living out in the street. All I want to do is just, I just want to play a little asteroids. You know, if you don't have a fucking solution, don't bring up the goddamn problem. Okay. Like I brought up the Conor McGregor Mayweather. All right.

I said it's a fucking problem. I gave you your solution. You drive on the highway 90 miles an hour and you turn the buffalo wild wings into a gas chamber. See that? See that? I'm a good guy. Everybody else is an idiot. In my world, I'm the smartest person in the room.

Sorry. Well, what do you want? What the fuck do you want from me? You know, watching my kid all day today. My wife's fucking tired. Yeah. I can't type in my goddamn password. We're all not watching now.

Obviously what I'm doing the podcast, but that's only because I curse so much. And I'm trying not to do that in front of her, which I know I'm going to fail fucking miserably. If I can tell you something, dude, being a dad is a shit. It really is. I fucking love it. You know, it's the best thing about it is watching kid shows. I don't know if I'm a fucking moron or whatever, but I am legitimately entertained. We started watching cars this morning.

It's tremendous. I mean, you know what it is? I haven't watched cartoons in so fucking long. It's like the level of animation on those things is crazy. Like, I think I saw one of those toy stories, one or two of them. But, you know, when you don't have a kid, it's like, you know, why would you go see one of those? Unless you smoke weed, like, hey, man, let's get high and go see fucking toys, man, right? Or, you know, you're dating a woman.

They always like seeing those. They're cute. I like the message and you end up going there and you just sitting there. I just fucking, I remember I saw one of those toy stories, like they were going down something and they were all this conveyor belt. They went into a pit of flames and the level of fucking anxiety that it brought me. I got like angry at the movie. Like this is a fucking kids movie.

I shouldn't be feeling this way. Why do I care so much about these goddamn toys? Which is one of the reasons why I don't watch movies is because I take the fucking ride. You know, when people watch scary movies, they go, dude, that movie didn't scare me. They all scare the fuck out of me because I just, I take the fucking ride. I never just, I never fucking pull myself out and look around the theater going, it's just a movie. There's no reason to get this fucking upset.

This is stupid. That's just an actor. I wonder how many takes they did. I don't do that. I get sucked in and it's fucking over. It's fucking over. It's fucking over. And then I end up getting freaked out and I walk to my car, you know,

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Did you guys watch it? Did you check it out? Lewis Hamilton closing the gap only down by one point, catching up on Sebastian Vettel. What happened to the Ferraris? Out there in fucking Great Britain. What was it? Kimmy Reckinen, whatever his fucking name is?

He's driving. He's in third place. He's loving life for second place, whatever he was in his front tire. Fucking blows out with like fucking four or five laps to go. And then he fucking gets on the radio in the town. They're like, go, go, go, go, go, go, B, B, B. And he goes to the fucking front to tire. Right?

So he's got to go in. Vettel moves up. He's going to be on the podium as much as fucking, Lewis Hamilton's going to pick up 25 points. He's going to pick up at least fucking 15, if not 18. All right? Who knows? You know?

And all of a sudden fucking two laps to go. His fucking tire goes up. Front left one. Right? And then all the Italians are like, well, I'm a me. All right? And fucking Vettel's all goddamn pissed. I think I have a, I think I know who my favorite fucking driver is though.

I like that. However you say his first name, Valtteri Bottas. That guy, that guy can fucking drive. He went from ninth place all the way to second place. And I know I've talked about Lewis Hamilton and these guys going from fucking, you know, ninth, like, what's his face yesterday? The Australian fucking dude there. The happiest guy in fucking formula one.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I swear to God. I don't know the fucking names in front of me. You know what it is that's raking in? There's too many ours. There's too many fucking like crazy fucking. The nerve of these people to be part from like other cultures is it wasn't Dave? Is it Dave?

Dave fucking? Jesus. I only met the fucking guy. I've only been rooting for him. Daniel Ricardo. There we go. I knew the fucking would pop back into my head as much as those guys have gone from like 19th to fucking, you know, seventh or eighth or 15th to whatever.

I think it's harder to go from ninth all the way up to second because you get into like the best of the best drivers to fucking go past driver number five, four, three to get all the way up to that, starting with as far back as he did with the Mercedes. Once again, having a gearbox issue. That's what happens with Mercedes. They have a gearbox issue and they get a five spot fucking penalty. And evidently, I don't know who the fuck it is that's supposed to be working on that fucking shock absorber on the front left hand side of the car or the fin or the fucking

tire, whatever the fuck it is. One of those guys wearing the underroofs with the helmet on in the pit. Somebody back there is getting a fucking is getting no pasta this week on the Ferrari team. So what's his face? I was up by like, I don't know how many fucking points. I forget what place he came in. I think he got like six or eight points and he was up by like, he was up by 20 points

before the race started. I can do the math here. And by the end of the race, he was only up by one. This is like a fucking math test. So Lewis Hamilton got 25 points. So he outscored him by fucking 24. So when he come in 10th place, he got one point. No, that'd be 24.

He got four points. All right. So he came in, he came in like eighth, right? And he came in eighth. All right, whatever. Why the fuck would you care? So they got one more race before they take the break in the summertime. Like they're like their lives aren't fucking great enough.

They're part of like, like literally 20 people who can do this in the fucking universe. All right. They get to take the fucking summer off. Unlike these poor bastards that play fucking baseball who got to pay like fucking six to seven games a goddamn week. You know, these guys get to take the summer off. Granted, they have to still die it, you know, but you know, even if they have like a shake, then they can, they can fucking get rid of it.

Bang in a supermodel, you know, fuck, sweat it out of them. I mean, their lives are unbelievable. Lewis Hamilton and fucking, uh, what's his face, BOTAS, they both live in Monaco. It's unbelievable. It's like, it's not enough that you, you know, he's got the private jet. Like these fucking guys' lives are unbelievable. It's fucking tremendous. God bless him.

Hey, what's going on with the fucking the other Red Bull team that's not Red Bull, the blue ones, the fucking, uh, the hell, what the, what are they, the, the, the, the, the, the Toro Rosa fucking team, whatever the fuck they're called. Jesus Christ. They were doing their impression of the force India team fucking slamming into each other. I love when that happens. I love that. It reminds me of that fucking, uh, that movie step brothers.

They're doing like the formula one version of putting their balls on Will Ferrell's drum kit. I don't know. He put it on the other guy's drum kit. That's right. I don't know. Anyways, let's get to the fucking questions this week. Um, oh, by the way, uh, all things comedy's own.

And Ari Shafir's new double Netflix special airs Tuesday, um, July 18th, both double negative, uh, both, uh, both double negative children and double negative adulthood will be available in 190 countries. That's incredible, huh? The reach, the sheer reach of Netflix. All right. Feminism, everybody. Let's do some fucking reads here for the goddamn week.

Shall we? I got 20 minutes left here in this fucking podcast. Um, all right, feminism bill, uh, on a recent podcast, when discussing stewardesses and air travel, you mentioned that you sometimes thing, I think you meant to say think feminism is a way for ugly women to get jobs that attractive women used to have. I said that. Why do you guys take anything I say seriously? You understand?

I'm just riffing for a fucking hour and I'm trying to make you laugh by saying ridiculously over the top things. Somebody's going to write me in a few weeks going, Hey, Bill, a few weeks ago on your podcast, you suggested turning Buffalo Wild Wings into gas chambers on the night of the Mayweather McGregor fight, uh, just to let you know, I am a parent. I am not a fight fan, but I do enjoy the fucking jalapeno balls, whatever the fuck they're called at Buffalo Wild Wings. And what if I was there anyways?

Um, I wonder if, okay, you, I haven't really, I said that feminism is a way for ugly women to get jobs that attractive women used to have. That's fucking hilarious. I don't necessarily believe that, but there is an element of truth to that. Like, you know, when they always bitching, like, you know, Hollywood creates this impossible image of beauty. It's like, no, you can't, you can't, you're, you're a fucking ego maniac. I don't think when I look at a Brad Pitt, whoever the fucking guy is now, Brad Pitt's

like in his fifties now. So whoever the fucking shredded, who's the guy from Saved by the Bell, Mario Lopez, you know, when I don't, when I look at him with his pigment and his fucking abs and all that, I don't fucking go like, this is an impossible fucking, oh Jesus, this is an impossible standard for me to, to standard for me to hold up to. And therefore Mario Lopez shouldn't be on fucking TV anymore. I just understand that, yeah, you know what, on a good day, maybe I'm a six, okay? That's what I am.

Not everybody can bat clean up in the order, okay? If you fucking bat in eighth, quit your crying and get on base. That's it. Maybe I do believe that on some level. Anyways, I wonder if you know that this is actually Russ Limbaugh's undeniable truth of life number 24, specifically that feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women to access, access to the mainstream of society. Here's the thing, I'm saying this shit, I'm like 90% joking.

There's always like an element of truth. That guy, as far as I can tell, because I don't know what his act is. It might all just be an act, you know, so he can, because he is in show business. So I have no idea. It could just be an act, but if you actually truly believe that, I don't, I listen, I don't believe that. Okay. Um, feminism came about because men were not allowing women to pursue their dreams.

Okay. But like any cause, any cause for whatever reason along the way, a lot of the times you end up becoming what the fuck you were fighting. Okay. And that's not this unique thought. I realize that's a hacky thought, but it's fucking true. The level of bullying that goes on on the internet and trying to get people to get fired and trying to create firestorms and trying to, trying to show the power of women by a

lot of times attacking people who you're deliberately and knowingly taking what they said out of context and causing them to not have a fucking job is fucking reprehensible. All right. And they, in a lot of ways do the same reptilian. If the ends justify the means corporate fucking mentality, just some of the shit they're set out there. Um, yeah, look, I don't think that it's actually that, but sometimes I think it's that, you know, there are jobs that you should only get if you're good looking.

You know, I really believe that like, like when, when you get, you know, the first person that they're going to fucking walk in the top of your order, you got to go with Ricky Henderson, you know, you got to get somebody who's going to get on base, you going to put the fucking picture up, you know, and I feel like I can say this because of how I look. Like if I ran a company, I'm not putting me on the front desk, like I'm the first person you're going to see. Why would you do that? We're trying to make money here.

You know, I don't know that high school's over. Look in the mirror, love yourself, but have a sense of humor about yourself. Know that you're not perfect and just know that it's okay. And you know what, a lot of times if you steer into that shit and you have a sense of humor about yourself, you're fun to be around. How many times I call myself a pasty bald, freckled, fucking jackass telling you, you're fucking steer into it and you're fucking age gracefully, all right? You're starting to lose your fucking head.

You just shave your fucking head and just be that guy and everybody's like, what the fuck? And then, but you know what? You deal with it. And then people, they respect you. Look at this guy. He didn't even try to shake it off. He took the pitch right to the side of the head.

There he is. He's standing on first base. Good for you, you ugly bald son of a bitch. Right? And this is the thing too. I know that they need ugly bald son of a bitches in movies and I'll just audition for that. At the end of the fucking day, I'm in a movie.

Am I really going to complain? You know, I feel that fucking, fucking bald, freckled redheads should be starring in more movies. It's like, oh yeah, you want to put your money. What's your money? What your mouth is? You go finance that fucking movie. Yeah.

And a lot of ways. That's one of those things where everybody should get like a, a ribbon. I mean, I don't know what the solution is, but you like competition is a good thing. Okay. And the best, you know, the best should, should win, right? Like I'm, I'm, I'm all with it as far as everybody should have the same opportunity. But after that, go fuck yourself. Whoever's the best gets it.

You know, not like, well, we have enough of these people are enough of those. No, who are the fucking best? Okay. When we have to keep doing that. Cause at some point, if the aliens aren't already here, they're coming here and we, we need to have an all star fucking team, not a team that makes everybody feel represented. All right. There we go.

I hope I explained myself or, you know, I'll, I'll know if I'm right. If I don't get a call from the Rush Limbaugh show, asking me if I want to be a guest. All right, brother acts feminine, dear Billy Boyle, uh, relative, relatively new fan here. I loved your material and I hope to see you live one day. Well, thank you. Before I start, I want to say that I don't care if my brother is gay to each his own is my motto. Okay.

Now for the backstory. There you go. That's what I do. You've given yourself credibility cause you said that you're a good person. All right. I'm 17, about to be a senior in high school. My brother is 11 and is about to start middle school. I feel like other kids will view him as an easy target for a few reasons.

First, he doesn't have many guy friends and he hangs out with a lot of ladies. Second, I do, I try to do masculine things with them. I play baseball. So I always ask him to play catch with me and I even offer to teach him how to place the sport. He usually says no. When I try to do any sort of physical activity with him, he rejects my request and just does his own thing.

Third, his body language is quite feminine. He sits like a girl, talks like a girl and moves his hands like a girl. You know what I'm saying? And the thing that ladies and gay guys do with their hands, oh, you know what I'm saying? The thing that ladies and gay guys do with their hands when they talk, my gut tells me to sit down and have a talk with him, but I don't want to come off too blunt and hurt his feelings. Then again, that could be what he needs.

I think if I tell him what I'm thinking, he'll just blow it off just like me. He's very hotheaded. Sorry about the hyphen. I personally blame his behavior on the poissification of society over the past few years and the very progressive environment of modern day schooling. He's a good kid and he's got a good head on his shoulders, so I'm not worried about anything else. I'm just looking out for him.

I don't want any dickheads messing with him. I used to get bullied so I know how it feels. What do you think? Thanks for your help and go fuck yourself. All right. I think you're 17 and I think you love your brother and you're trying to protect him. Here's the deal, dude. I mean, your brother is who your brother is.

You got to accept that. And I don't know how you handle the bullying thing, which is what I really think is what you see when you look at your brother is like, this kid's going to get the shit kicked out of him, which is sad to say, hopefully not as much as when I was coming up. But yeah, it's a legit concern. But I don't think you listen, people are born how they're born. Okay. I don't know if this kid's gay or not.

I don't know what, but if he doesn't want to play catch, he doesn't want to play catch. And if he's hotheaded, you know, he said he's a smart kid. He's hotheaded. He knows what he wants. So just let him be himself and you support him. And there's no reason why this kid doesn't like to do physical shit. I was gonna say, take him down to a dojo, teach him how to fuck somebody up. And the fact that he is a feminine, if he goes and fuck somebody up, that's going to

be humiliating for the other person. And then nobody else is going to want to fuck with them because they don't want to get beat up by him. Bruce Lee used to do that. Bruce Lee used to, I read this book. He used to walk around and he would act all effeminate and then these guys would come up and fuck with them and then he would kick the shit out of him. People ask him, well, why would you do that?

He said, well, if I just walked up like a regular dude, you know, they got their ass kicked, they could get over it. But if, you know, they thought they got their ass kicked by a sissy, you know, it stays with them. And unfortunately, that is something with guys, if, you know, if people were more progressive or whatever the fucking word is, they wouldn't think that they just be like, well, it doesn't make a difference if you're effeminate or masculine, if you can fucking throw hands over there with a couple of feetsies, I can, I can accept the loss.

Um, I listen, I would just, uh, if anything, I would try to have a closer relationship with my younger brother and, um, and I would ask him how his days are going. And I would just literally ask him, is anybody at school fucking with you or whatever? And if they are, I would, I don't know, I would go down and have a fucking talk. I don't know if he could do that. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do, but that would, that as an older brother that would kill me knowing that somebody could be fucking with my younger brother.

So I think you come from a good place, uh, your ideas of, uh, you know, how to cure him of that are understandable because you're 17. I don't think it's society's fault. Um, I, I just think that's just how he's born. And I think if you accept it, he will accept it and he'll keep a good feeling about himself. But, um, unfortunately, the bullying is going to come and he's going to have to learn how to stick up for himself. I mean, that's just the truth of it.

And, um, there's all kinds of things that you could do that I'm not allowed to say on the podcast, as far as what he could do in those moments, because somehow I become this fucking bad person, but, uh, I'm just going to tell a random story here. I remember the late Charlie Murphy, rest his soul. He told me to do what to do if you ever go to jail. And I just, he was like, you know, not that I could still surprise. He was like, yo, this is what you do. He goes, the first motherfucker that steps to you.

He goes, you just turned into a wild animal, frothing at the mouth and you just fucking swing for the fences and everybody, you know, what I'm oversimplifying what the fuck he said. And, um, you know, that's just a story he told me that has nothing to do with what I just fucking read. Okay. I want to do that. So I stay free and clear.

I don't know what to tell you, buddy. All right. I'm going to be who we is and, um, you know, I would watch some MMA events with them and maybe he'll want to learn how to fucking do it. I don't know. I don't know. Cause I've watched some cool videos of some kids that were way out of their own way class. This one fucking kid, fuck this kid up, jumped up, put him in a fucking arm bar.

This kid ain't even know what the fuck to do. Um, maybe that you can help him out with that. But, uh, yeah, I would let go of all that other shit that you're going to fucking. I mean, if, if, like, you'll be all who you are. I mean, if somebody went, you go out in the driveway and still learn how to twirl a baton, you just would still be you, but you know how to twirl a baton. I don't think it would change how you walked or behaved or who you hung out with. Um, you're wired.

How you wired. All right. Uh, girlfriend wants to move back to her home. That's like those fucking people that, you know, they would try to cure gay people. You know, they think that they, like it's, uh, like they have the mumps or something. Everyone wants to move back to her home country. Uh, all right. Hey Bill Hill, if the guy took the woman's last name in marriage, that's funny.

All right. Long time listener, first time advice. Seek a, I live in London. I met my girlfriend online a year and a half ago. She's 25 and I'm 24. She's from Switzerland. See this is what happens now. All these fucking dating apps, fun fact about Switzerland.

They have enough nuclear bunkers to accommodate their entire population. Uh, yeah, that's cause they're so close to fucking Germany. Um, they moved here a few years ago to get a music. She moved here a few years ago to get a music degree and graduated, graduated last year. She was going to move in with a friend a few months ago, but her best friend did a 180 at the last second. So we decided to move in together as we enjoy each other's company. Here's the shit part.

She always said that she misses her family and her friends a lot, which is of course understandable. But recently she's been mentioning that she wants to move back to Switzerland once our lease is up next year. I completely get why she would want to do this. She doesn't have many friends here. Uh, as many of her college friends have moved back home. The thing is I have a stab and established career here and I don't want to leave my friends

a job behind to go move to a country where I don't speak the language. I've tried, but there are hardly any courses for Swiss slash German. Um, and the market for my skills is much smaller. I'm a magician and academic tutor. Jesus, there's a fucking combo. Uh, whenever she brings it up, I answer with very variations of, well, uh, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, but I'm pretty sure I'm never going to come around to the idea.

She has made the point a couple of times that this would be me choosing my career and friends over her, which makes it sound worse than it is. What should I tell her thanks and go fuck yourself while she's choosing her country and her family over you. So I would say nicely, listen, you keep saying that this is me choosing my career and you know, what'd you just want? She's saying my and friends over her, um, do you know that feeling? You have when you live here in London, that's what I'm going to feel like when I'm in Switzerland.

Do you want me to feel that? No. Well, good. I don't want to feel that either. So one of us has to make a sacrifice here. Are you willing to live here? And if she says no, then you have to be willing to live there. And if you're not willing to do that, then you guys need to break up.

It's simple as that. Simple as that. Um, I would, I would fucking, that's it, dude. You know, you got to fucking goddamn kids today, you know, fucking swipe and left the next thing you know, yeah, my girlfriend lives in fucking Bangladesh and she's really missing some of the food over there. And I, you know, I fucking, you know, whatever the fuck I do over here. I mean, these are like modern day relationship fucking problems.

Um, yeah, that's it. One of you guys has to move, but don't let her guilt you and she's not choosing her and her friends. You're doing what she's doing. You're living where you want to live next to the people you love and you can't get mad at her for wanting to do the exact same thing. All right. But, you know, she's trying to mind fuck, you know, for me, I just feel like you're choosing

this. Go fuck yourself. All right. Well, go back home then. Send me some chocolates. We'll bang every once in a while. We'll meet in Paris. How about that?

That's it. I don't want to tell you. All right. You came to my place. Not the other way around. Um, girlfriends, belly hangs past her tits. Oh, Jesus. Hey there.

Bill. Hey there. Billy. Willie freckled cheeks. I love the podcast, especially when you and Nia do the podcast, I know, and I got to get around here more, but it's just like when I do it, she has to watch the kid and the other way around. All right.

I got a problem that I'm hoping you and Nia may be able to help me with. I love my wife of seven years dearly. We have fun together, make each other laugh, et cetera. She's my best friend. We're in our early thirties, have no children and are very affluent, crushing it, except for the sex. The sex is bad because we have become fatty, fat fats. We've been together for a decade, uh, and this has only become a problem over the past

six months. I'm five, 11 and two, 40 with a lot of muscle and a lot of fat. She's five, four and 200 and has no muscle mass. I'm ashamed to say that even though I love her fiercely, she's no longer physically attractive to me. Well, I mean, what the fuck? I mean, you just being honest, I'm sure you're not as attracted to her, although you did give yourself some props for having a little bit of muscle.

You didn't quite say you was as big a mess. I'm ashamed to say that he, okay, um, she probably feels the same. Okay. He said that she probably feels the same. She used to be 140 tops and was curvy in all the right places. I used to be cut like a Greek God. Our sex life was amazing. She'd have one to three orgasms.

Jesus Christ. Now we had sex, uh, one to three times per week. And now maybe we have sex once a month. She can't climax anymore because she gets too tired. Jesus. Over the past six weeks, I've cut 10 pounds and exercise six times a week. I'm trying, but I have a long way to go. She isn't trying to eat right and is not interested in exercising with me.

I know sex tends to dwindle over time, but I'd like for us to be in good enough shape that we don't need a nitroglycerin pill every time we try to do the dirt. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks and go fuck yourself. You have to sit down and have an honest conversation with her. Okay. I would leave the sex life out of it. It's just like, she's not going to live long.

All right. At five, four, 200 pounds. Maybe you can start by going for quote, romantic walks and you hold her hand and you try to pick up the pace and drag her along. I would just, yeah, I would talk to her. And, uh, if she chooses not to get in shape, then I, I would not alter what you're doing. I would go back to being the Greek God that you were. And, um, if she doesn't want to get in shape, then, you know, what are you supposed to do?

Watch her eat herself into an early fucking grave. You supposed to be with somebody that you're not sexually attracted to anymore. I mean, that, that's fair, man. If somebody puts on almost like she put on almost half her body weight. I mean, that's not, uh, that's not fair to, it's not fair to yourself and it's not fair to the person you're in. You got to be making an effort to, to, to still look good, you know, and people have a tendency men and women to do that to become, you know, you know, just walking around fucking

shitty looking clothes, just being a tub of shit. And it's just like that whole, you should accept me for whatever I am. That means I'm going to be the least of who I could be. Nobody ever says that when they're the best. Yeah. I'd like to accept you fucking going to the goddamn gym. Same way you'd like me to not fucking have my belly hanging down past my junk. Um, yeah, I'd have a conversation with her.

Just sit down. Hey, you know what? Maybe, uh, my beautiful daughter's asleep. Maybe, uh, Nia can come in and help. Hang on a second. Let me hit pause here. Yeah, she can't do it. She can't do it.

Sorry. God damn hopes up. So, uh, just know that, um, that you just got advice from a guy. So what I would do is I would ask a woman in your life, not her advice on how to, how to drop in. Okay. Cause this is one of these relationship conversations. It's like when a spaceship is reentering the atmosphere, the space shuttle that if it

wasn't at the right fucking angle, you know, where you lost a couple of those fucking shingles on the bottom, you could fucking burn up on reentry. All right. Did I really have to bring up that tragedy to make my point? I don't know. Maybe I didn't. All right. Girlfriend has severe halitosis.

Jesus Christ. The women are getting destroyed. Ladies, ladies, you got to write in next week. Okay. You got to write in next week. Okay. Stop being sweethearts and tell me what the problem is with the guys. This is, this is not fair and balanced.

Like Fox news is or CNN. Um, I love that chick that cried on CNN, the one with the Mary Lou Retten haircut when Trump got elected. It's just like, that was one of the most unprofessional journalistic moments I've ever seen in my fucking life. How do we go from Walter Cronkite to that? Like I literally know who you voted for. You're not a journalist.

All right. Hey, there, op-ed piece. All right. Girlfriend has severe halitosis, dear Billy bats. I saw you perform at hilarities in the land, the worst fucking nickname, the land, the land of what Jesus Christ. That's so fucking bad. And you had me in stitches.

Please come back. The land. They had t-shirts back there, defend the land. Do you know for half a second in Boston, they, they lose people calling it the bean. Don't do that. Bean town was bad enough. We don't make beans there anymore. Anymore than poor Chester still makes fucking lifesavers, although Grand Rapids still makes

furniture. Um, I, okay, anyways, I'm a 23 year old man and recently began dating a girl I met on a dating app. We've been on two dates and she has bad breath, dump her, Jesus Christ over the fuck do you care? It's not your problem. Uh, anyways, we've been on two dates so far and they both went great. We went to a couple of museums for how far away were you standing from her?

Were you standing there going, uh, is that her breath or the artifacts? Is that her breath of that fucking Willie mammoth statue that they dug out of the fucking ice 2,000 years ago? Anyways, well, actually, Willie mammoths were fucking four billion BC. Go fuck yourself. All right. We have a good conversation in this great chemistry overall, but when she smiles, the sight and smell indicates years of not brushing or flossing.

Dude, I don't even, I don't even know the fact that you need advice on this. There is thick, dark, yellow buildup along her gumline. Oh my God, I'm going to puke and she talks loud. So her breath travels a long way. Kissing is difficult to enjoy. Oh my God, dude, this is gross. I almost just gagged there. I almost just gagged there too.

What kind of fucking low self esteem do you have? That is my advice. Either break up with her or take her to one of those self power washes, car wash things and tell her to smile and fucking blast her right in the fucking grill. Jesus fucking Christ. That's the most disgusting visual. Oh my God. What the fuck?

What is my advice? I don't know what, you know what my advice is they should make a stamp for you because you're a goddamn saint. Oh my God. Kissing is difficult. Oh my God, I think I got to walk this one off, buddy. There's plenty of fucking fish in the fucking sea. Jesus Christ.

Oh my God. That's like having a, speaking of fish, that's like having a goddamn eel going along your goddamn gumlines. I'm sorry guys. I don't know why. That's it. That's it. It's over.

There should be no, no, I mean, are you going to hang in there with this one? What the fuck do you say? Hey, what are you doing Thursday night? Nothing. You want to go to the dentist? Let's get his or her cleanings. Oh my God, dude. If that looks like that, what is, what is the fucking basement going to look like, dude?

Oh my God. Oh my God. Hey, God bless you, dude. Yeah, I get her to a dentist. However the fuck you bring that up. I don't know. Some questions are beyond me. All right.

Jesus Christ. All right. That's the, I've never had to stop reading an email before. I haven't done that. I haven't come that close to Pukin since Opie and Anthony, the baby bird when I was in that fucking room. And I still to this day cannot tell that story without fucking gagging and coughing. And if you puke easily, do not fucking go look up Opie and Anthony baby bird.

All right. That's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. I will check in on you on Thursday. I am back to watching a little bit of baseball. I did miss the Yankees. I was working the whole weekend.

I think the Yankees got the better of us. I know we did win one game. Yankees are in third in the fucking devil race. I'm moving up. They're only a half a game out. So I'm going to try to watch for playing the fucking Toronto Blue Jays. Fucking Toronto Blue Jays there. That was my reference to whatever that fucking song is by Rush.

That is the Morse code YYZ for Toronto's airport. Somehow they came up with a guitar riff for that. All right. Nothing Kevin Murphy would try to do on Epis for Family. Season two on Netflix. Look at that coming out of that disgusting story promoting his show, telling you to go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.

May. Yeah. Top. Delize. May. May. May.