Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-18-16

Episode Date: July 18, 2016

Bill rambles about homeless naps, a dancing bush and hairy backs.

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living, they really lie everywhere, riding the empty baths. But now we're going to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together risk, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. What's going on? How are you?

I hope you're good. I hope things are well. Is everything okay with you and the family? Anyways, this is the last week of writing for F is for Family. We've got a table read today and then tomorrow we punch up, fix whatever jokes didn't work at the table read and then on Wednesday we record it. And then I get my life back. So fucking excited.

So fucking excited to have this behind me, all this friggin' work and I'm very excited for you guys to see this thing. Granted, it's animation so it'll come out sometime in fucking 2036 or something. I don't know. That's how it works. That's how the process works. But I know the big thing is actually writing the scripts and we're finishing it tomorrow after the punch up and then I'm done. I have the same giddiness I used to have. Remember like the second week of June? Even the fucking nerds didn't give a fuck anymore, right?

They weren't cleaning their glasses, they were just showing up. They didn't give a fuck, right? Your teachers were dressing casual. Everyone just was, yeah, it's over. It's over. Let's get the fuck out of here. You know? It's unbelievable. That's why sometimes when I look at homeless people, because everybody just wants to get the fuck out and nobody, you know, you just don't want to work.

And every once in a while you're looking like these fucking bums and I don't mean like people like something tragic happened to them. You know what I mean? I don't know, like some sinkhole swallowed up their fucking home and then they didn't have sinkhole insurance and now they're fucking sleeping at a bus station. I don't mean those people. I mean the bums. The old school hobos. The guys out there riding the fucking railroads, right? The stick with a handkerchief around it with a little peanut butter and fluff another sandwich inside of it.

Those guys, they got to figure it out. They always feel how I feel right now. You know why? Because they never have to go to work. It's always over. It's always over. And you know what do you do? You go to a new town. You wash some dishes.

You know, you're eating beans over a fire outside. You know, eat them with a knife or some shit. You know, does that one of these to do it or is that just what the actors used to do in those old movies? Trying to make an interesting choice. I'm going to eat with my knife. Maybe that'll make me the next John Wayne. Yeah, they have it fucking figured out. You never done that?

You never just walk down the street in the middle of the day, in the middle of your fucking stressful day. Coming back from lunch, wondering mentally, how the fuck am I going to get through the next four, four and a half fucking hours? And you just walk by and you see some homeless guy just fucking just napping, laying on a park bench or even on the sidewalk. And just so fucking sprawled out and just such a deep level of sleep. It actually looks appealing for half a second. You know, I'd love to interview one of those people and just be like, who won the Super Bowl this year? Just to see how out of the loop they are slash how big are sports? You know, do you know who Tiger Woods is?

Do you know what happened to him? You know, are you aware that we're at war right now still? Where were you when it started? Were you behind a desk? Were you normal? You know, do you have a suit? Did you sit there and laugh at jokes that you didn't think were funny but just doing it to try to get to the next level fucking cubicles? Is that what you did?

At what point did you just decide, fuck this? I want to take a nap when I want to nap. Can you imagine if you were allowed to nap whenever you wanted to nap, how much better the world would be? You could just be at work and just be like, you know, I'm going to go lay down for about fucking 20 minutes. Just go over and curl up in a fucking ball and that'll be it. You know, what I'm trying to say people is I'm very excited as much as I enjoy writing these fucking things. It's just great that, you know, I'm looking at my dog right now just fucking chilling out. Just fucking laying there.

She's laying there. I don't even know why she's tired. Fucking tired from all your goddamn sleep and I'm jealous of you, Cleo. Cleo. Nothing. She knows I'm talking about her, but she doesn't give a shit. She's fucking tapped out. She's laying on the rug.

There's a little bit of sun spilling in from the window and she picked the sunny warm part of the rug and that is it. That's all the fuck she needs. You know, no upward mobility. She's not working on her next fucking season of, you know, fucking the real pit bulls of the greater Los Angeles area. She doesn't give a fuck. She's got nothing on her agenda every day. It's fucking tremendous. Maybe that's why their lives are only 10 to 15 years.

You know, they just get to live like that. All the, you know, because when you look at your whole life, if you're lucky, you get 10 to 15 years total of just bliss. And the rest of it, you know, it was just dealing with some cunt with coffee breath telling you you didn't have enough. You didn't bring the right fucking forms. You got to go back home and go get something else and stand in line again. That's, that's what the rest of your life is like, but if you're lucky, 10 to 15 fucking years of it, you know. You get to live like my dog right now, taking a nap on the sunny part of the rug. By the way, there's so much shit going on right now.

Like on the internet, on the internet web that I just don't understand what is the big fucking deal. You know, that whole George Bush dancing thing, I looked that up thinking he was going to be just an absolute fucking lunatic. Like, oh no, stop, stop, you're making all white dudes look bad. Everybody already knows we can't dance. It wasn't bad at all. You look like he was in a good mood. You know, I, his fucking energy. It's like, I get that fucking energy.

He's, he's showing up. He's a patriotic son of a bitch. That's his jam. You know, he sways a little bit. And you know, what's great too is in his head, he's laughing at Obama like going, aha, you still have to do that job. George Bush is on summer vacation and the fucking look he has on his face, that's the same look I have. All I got to get through. I just got to get through fucking basically tomorrow, get through the next rewrite.

And then that's it. And of course, you know, there'll be a zillion punch ups and editing sessions, but like the fucking daily grind is, it's done. That's where George Bush is at right now. You know, he fucking launched the missiles. All right. A bunch of fucking people died. He's mentally past it. He bought his pieces of land down in South America that sit on aquifers.

You know, who knows, maybe he goes out and he gets a fucking 12 pack. I don't know. He just looked like a really fucking happy guy. Since when does a president have to know how to fucking dance? He does it. His fucking job is to get on TV and scare the shit out of you about whatever the fucking people above them who want to make money on something. You know, we got to get these people. We got to get those people.

We got to get some people. There's some people out there to come and get you. They're coming to get you. These people, man, these people, they don't like you. They don't like you sitting there on your couch. It's like, how the fuck do they not like me? They don't even know me. I haven't interacted with these cunts.

You know who has? You have their fuck-o. What did you and your friends do to piss them off? You know what I mean? You went out and you pissed off another fucking country. Now you're trying to make it seem like they're out there. They're not coming after me. They're coming after you.

They're never going to get to you. You know why? Because you have security and I don't. And I'm just fucking sitting here. Sitting here with a mug of fucking tea. There would be great collectively if the world did that. You know, and the world leaders, right? All of them.

They wanted to start a war and be like, these people and those people. All the people, they don't fuck with you. The infidels and all that. And everybody, just all regular people just sat there. Oh, really? Is that what's going on? Well, listen, dude, if you got a beef with them, why don't you go fucking settle it? Because I've never talked to those people.

And then that's it. Then we watch it on pay-per-view. You know, slap fights, world leader slap fights. You know? I mean, it doesn't solve anything other than we just get to enjoy complete fucking sociopathic money, power-hungry fucking psychos just slapping each other in the face. You know? Then we just get to sit in the crowd eating popcorn going, oh!

Oh! Just watching them slapping each other. That's as far, you know, something if we were really civilized. That's as far as it would go. You know? You just sit there and watch. You know, Obama have a slap fight with the al-Qaeda guy or a fucking ISIS guy and then that would be it.

And there'd be nobody underneath any of them. It wouldn't even be Obama. It would be the fucking corporate cunts who make all the fucking money off the misery. I'm sorry, people. Just that, that, you know, I don't know. I hate how they always act like the world is going crazy. The world is not going crazy. People just keep showing the crazy shit.

It's like these fucking lunatics that cunt there who drove the fucking truck into the people. It's like, why did that guy do that? People never did shit like that, at least to the, when I was growing up. People did not do shit like that, at least as far as the sheer amount of these fucking incidents now. And I really think it's because, I think it's the news coverage. They wanted their last act on earth.

They want people to then be like, inside the crazy mind of Joe Blow. He was pointing that they get to do his whole fucking backstory. I think that that's what they're going for. So, obviously, when something like that happens, you've got to report on it. But I don't think, I don't want to know the person's name. I don't want to know fucking thing, but they should die completely fucking anonymous. And I think if they, maybe, why don't we try that? You know, instead of, you know, the people who get fucking killed, maybe they talk about

them for fucking, you know, once or whatever. But the person who fucking kills everybody, you know, they get their own little fucking half hour, hour long special. You know, his news people sit there with their brow furrowed, you know. Disturbing, disturbing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and they fucking talk about it for 24 hours and they make a zillion dollars in advertising. Oh, I'm a fucking cynical cunt today. Absolutely.

But by the way, that Bush dancing thing was, that was not bad at all. He looked like he was, he was in a great mood. And you know what? Good for him. Good for him, that fucking dope guy. I say he's a dope. I can't really say he's a dope. But you guys bilingual, right?

You got to have some sort of brains in there. He's smart enough to realize he didn't belong at Yale. So he fucking drowned it in a 12 pack every 20 minutes. I mean, I relate to the guy. Anyways. Oh, by the way, if one more person fucking tweets me about that stupid suspension, the Tom Brady thing, the sheer amount of people that don't even understand that that has nothing to do. You know, like all of a sudden it was proven that he is a cheater.

No, that's not what that was about. The first one, that was the did he cheat? And that went to a court of law and was laughed out of court. The second one, all that was was the NFL. They changed their argument. They go, we're a corporation. He's our employee. Do we have the right to suspend him?

And the court was like, yes, you do. And then they came back and they said, hey, Tom, remember that fucking trial we had with no fucking evidence whatsoever, the kind of evidence that gets laughed out of court? Well, we're going to uphold it. So you're suspended. So that's basically what happened. I just don't have people here with the fuck they want to hear. All right.

All Freckles has been working out. All Freckles, he's been working out. I told you I was up to 186 and fucking change stepped on the scale this week 182 and change telling the first week you can always drop three to four, because it's such a shock to your system of like, holy fuck, we're doing this now. If you just start eating healthy working out, right? You stop eating around five or six o'clock and just crush waters and you don't eat again till eight the next morning. You know, I'm telling you, if you can drop three to four now, I'm in my second week of this shit. So I want to get down to 179 and then the week after that 176.

So I'm in the mid 170s when I go over to Europe. So I represent my fucking country properly. Okay. All those European cunts, they want nothing more than for me to go over there and be some fat fuck. You know, who doesn't know what's going on in the world? That's what they want. So what you do is, is you show up in shape, right? You go on Wikipedia, you Google their fucking city, right?

You find out what's going on and then you just pretend you read. You sit there with your flat stomach and you pretend like you read. That's what you do. And you know what? It irritates them. I'm fucking with you. Anyway, so I'm down to 182 and 179 next week, the big seven. I got to see that man.

That second number has got to be a seven. I refuse to be an eight or higher ever. I just can't fucking do it. Although having said that at my age, how slow my metabolism is and how much I like to fucking eat and drink and all of that shit. I could easily, I could hit two bills. Like if I really like just shut it all down as far as moving around, you know, I just stopped doing shows and I just sat here like my dog. I swear to God, dude, I could be 200 pounds by the beginning of October. Easy.

That's not even fucking trying without even fucking trying. If I just ate what the fuck I wanted to eat. Oh my God. Is there a worse site than a fucking five, nine and three quarter, 210 pound redheaded male? And that's not something that you want to see. And I don't mean muscle. I just mean coming at you looking like, you know, I work at Dairy Queen and I'm constantly taking advantage of my employee discount. Nobody wants to see that, right?

It's not a man looking like my legs, my pasty fat fucking legs as white as the soft serve vanilla ice cream that I have every 20 minutes. So anyways, I'm going to get down to 179 next week. I just been fucking hitting the goddamn elliptical and to my sciatica is just it's completely fucking gone. I'm going for now. I'm getting massage every fucking week, right? That deep tissue just somebody beats the shit out of you and I'm getting all of this stuff. All of these fucking wall is crap that was in my legs from all of these years. I'm flying on planes playing pickup hockey with no hockey stuff.

You know, they tell you guys that shit. No, I don't think I did yet. I had another fucking massage. And this lady had her elbow jam so far into the back of my leg, my hamstring. I was like having memories of every time I fucked up my leg. She'd hit a spot and I'd be like, fuck. And then I'd be like, oh yeah. That was the time I played pickup hockey and all I had was gloves, a helmet and a stick.

I was playing defense, right? And I'm skating full speed, you know, because we have the puck and all of a sudden they steal it and I tried to fucking turn around to go back the other way, dude. And I caught an edge. Who's kidding who? I suck at skating. I can barely go backwards. And I fucking shot up in the air and landed on my left side, ass cheek all the way down on my thigh. I landed so hard.

I didn't even hit my head and I still saw stars. And that was one of those things where I didn't even try to get up. I just sat there for a second, just waiting for everything to settle afterwards. And then I got up fast enough. Before everybody came over and said, dude, you all right, you all right, you don't want to be that guy. And I just fucking like, you know, skated over the bench, one leg working. I was just like, all the way over. And I just sat down and like I, you know, you know, pick up hockey, people skate over and they pointed at you.

I shook off like three, three times. And before I went back out there and the bruise was so deep. It didn't show up for like three days. Like three days later, I was on the road and I'm showering. And, you know, I thought I, I thought I saw like a bunch of grease on the back of my leg. I'm like, what the fuck did I sit on? And then I saw was a bruise. It literally looked like somebody just took a bat and hit me right across the back of my left leg.

And, you know, this is kind of what I learned. I thought like when the bruise went away, then you were all fine. But evidently, that's not the deal. The reason why it takes that long, I guess, for it to come to the surface is because it's so fucking, whatever you hit was so fucking deep into the muscle. It took that long for, I forget, the person explained it to me, a bunch of busted capillaries or something like that. And then when they go to heal, sometimes they can fuse to something else. I don't know, fuse to a nerve or some shit. I have no idea.

I don't remember. I don't pretend to remember. But all I know is a bunch of shit like that happened slash, you know, flying on planes and sitting on my fucking ass in writer's rooms. And that's what's going to happen. But what I love is, you know, all these people who have back problems were telling me that, oh, dude, you're going to have this for the rest of your life and blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, I didn't fly a helicopter for like fucking three months during this because when I sat down, my feet went numb and I can't have my fucking feet going numb when I'm trying to touch the pedals there. But no, if you find a fucking a real masseuse, a fucking incredible one, they can figure out what the fuck's wrong with you and even beyond a chiropractor. They beat the fuck out of you and they loosen everything up and then everything relaxes and you go back to being normal.

At least that's what the fuck happened with me. And I flew for the first time Wednesday. I was tremendous. That was tremendous. Oh, Jesus Christ, look at that. Is that a fucking raven? Hey, hey, get out of here with that old man shit. Yeah, you'll beat it.

Get out of here. Jesus Christ. How old am I that I had to yell that long at a bird before it left? Back in the day, I stepped on a stick and the fucking thing took off. What does that mean? Was that a crow or a fucking raven? All right, we got to look this shit up. Here's some fucking ancient medieval history shit for you.

Raven. What do you say here? Raven. Super. Raven superstition. All right, little, what do we got here? What do we got here? Raven symbolism.

Raven symbolism. Myths of the raven. Symbolisms and lore. Learn about the lore of ravens bird. I know that's what I'm here for. All right, the raven often has a bad press for being a carrion bird. A carrion bird. I don't know what that means.

C-A-R-R-I-O-N. It is ultimately associated with death. Tremendous. Finally getting fucking healthy. Now I'm going to die and consequently considered a bad omen by many or a forewarning of war. Jesus, knee is going to yell at me. But there is much more to this ignomatic and intelligent bird than death, darkness and destruction. Raven is a trickster, a protector, a teacher, and a bringer of great magic.

I would love to see the person who wrote this like what they would dress like. I just picture them in like a fucking toga with the leaves. You know, the hats that have leaves on the side. It's like if you had a full head of leaf hair and then you went bald. Then it just fucking wrapped around you. Learn all about the raven and its lore. Here, well, that's what the fuck I'm here for, you cunts. All right, the raven is not only the largest member of the crow family.

Oh, I didn't know that. It's the big brother, but the largest perching bird in the world. I thought they all perched. The other zoo lay down. An extremely intelligent bird, the raven was once extremely common, but persecution now finds it only in remote areas such as cliffs, mountains and moons and moors. It's amazing the amount of English words. I don't even know what they are, moors.

I thought those were Africans. I just, I don't fucking, I don't, evidently it was a crow because I don't have any of those things. There's no cliff, there's no mountain. I have a porch. The adult is completely black with a shaggy throat. I don't care. What the fuck does it mean? Ravens are extremely intelligent.

In some cases can even learn to talk. All right, that wasn't a fucking raven. I was just yelling at it. Hey, hey, it would have been like, what? That would have freaked me out. Be like, oh, you know, I was just wondering, wondering if you'd leave. That would be cool. The wolf and the raven are often mentioned together in mythology, lore and scripture.

In nature, the wolf and the raven have an important relationship. Wolves use ravens as an aerial spotters for possible sources of food, as well as using them to alert them of danger ahead. The raven also gains from this relationship with the wolf. Being carrion birds, I'm so sick of reading that fucking word. What does it mean? C-A-R-R-I-O-N. You know what's funny?

The amount of people that are listening to this right now and they feel superior to me because they know what this word means. Yeah, and what does that get? Is that going to buy you a sandwich today? The decaying flesh of dead animals. Okay. So that's what it eats. All right.

So it's like a fucking, it's like one of those birds, a vulture. It's birds with the fucking red head, no fucking feathers. I know why they don't have feathers on their heads, because they're always eating at dead carcasses and they don't want the maggots to get in there. So whatever fucking bacteria and shit gets on their head just gets burned off by the sun. Although I can't tell you, I look like a raven after, not a raven. I look like a fucking vulture if I go to the beach. Big fucking red head, you know?

And I eat dead meat too, right? Ham sandwich, that's a dead pig. Jesus Christ, this is an incredible article. All right. The raven also gains from its relationship. Okay, obviously if the wolf fucking kills something. Well, Jesus Christ, I don't think I can find two more boring animals on the planet than those two fuckers. I think they deserve each other.

They're probably both in bed by eight every night. All right, let me do a couple of fucking reads here. We got a lot of advertising. We didn't have any on fucking Thursday, so I got to make up for this shit here. All right, hey, no, no, that's a read actually here. I need the advertising. Where the fuck is he advertising? All right, hey Billy's grip strength.

Oh, you fucking jerk off. You did the same one twice. Is it really going to be one of these days? All right. Hang on a second people. I apologize. Hang on. Content reads.

There we go. Oh, here we go. Tracker everybody. Smart cars, smart phones, smart homes. Technology has made everything wicked smart. But losing your stuff makes smart people feel really stupid kid. Tracker makes losing things a thing in the past. Tracker is a coin size device that locates misplaced keys,

wallets, bag, computers, anything in seconds. Just pair tracker to your smartphone, attach it to anything, and it finds the precise location with the tap of a button. It's that easy. Lose your phone, press the button on tracker and your phone rings, even when it's on silent. All right, that's kind of creepy. With over 1.5 million devices,

Tracker has the largest crowd GPS network in the world, so your lost item shows up on a map, even if it's miles away. Never lose anything again with Tracker. Why don't I get this fucking thing? I lose my phone all the time. Listen to this show to get a special discount of 30% off your entire order. Go to theTracker, T-H-E-T-R-A-C-K-E-R dot com and enter the promo code BR, B-U-R-R.

The hardest thing you'll ever have to find is their website. Go to tracker.com right now and use the promo code BR for a 30% off your entire order. Again, Tracker.com promo code BR. Oh, look who's back. Club W. Club W, I won't land on an aquifer. Club W, back to drinking booze. Delivers wine straight to your door.

They send you wine that is personalized to your palate slash taste through our palate quiz. Their recommendations become even more personalized with every bottle you rate. Club W, I like to sway when I dance. Works with top winemakers and growers from around the world directly to make all of their own wine. You choose the type, quality of bottles with no membership fee

or cancellation fee and 100% satisfaction guaranteed. Their $13 bottles would normally retail for 20 bucks. Right now, Club W, alcohol couldn't beat me, is offering listeners $20 off your first order when you go to clubw.com slash BR. And it gets even better. I know you all hate paying for shipping, so Club W. They don't let me go to Bilderberg anymore.

We'll actually pay for your shipping on orders of four bottles or more. So take something off of your to-do list, just go to clubw.com slash BR to get $20 off your first order now. That's clubw.com slash BR. Right, score big, everyone. You know what, you're paying too much for tickets.

Between all the markups and last-minute convenience charges, even printed home fees, the ultimate fuckover. You end up paying courtside prices for nosebleed seats. Score big is here to change that. Did you know that 40% of all live ticket events go unsold? And did you know that there's a place to get these seats at huge savings? It's called Score Big.

Score Big works directly with your favorite teams and artists to get their unsold seats at unpublished prices. Only with Score Big can you name a ticket price and be guaranteed to pay below box office up to 60% off. Jesus Christ, they're making some big claims here. One, go to scorebig.com or download the new Score Big app for your iPhone and find the event and seats you want. Two, make an offer.

Why did you do this with the Super Bowl? Because evidently 40% of those tickets go unsold and you can pay for less than the ticket value. These guys are amazing. Two, make an offer with Score Big's name and a ticket price feature. Three, get an instant answer and save up to 60% off your ticket. For what game?

Fuckhead state versus soliloquy, something or other? For the easiest ways to save tickets, download this new Score Big app for your iPhone. Enter promo code BRRR at the checkout and you'll save an extra 20 bucks off your first ticket purchase. No iPhone, no problem. Get $20 off online when you go to ScoreBig.com. That's ScoreBig.com, promo code BRRR.

Hey, ScoreBig.com, promo code BRRR. I'm going to try those guys out. Jesus fucking Christ, we got like 20 of these. Oh, look who's back. Ba-da, ba-ba-ba. Me on D's. Me on D's. Living on an aquifer.

Ba-doo-doo-doo. Me on D's. Me on D's. Me on D's. Get some for him and her. Wrap up her twat or your balls. Then walk into the fucking water. Falls your balls.

Stay dry even if they're cold. They fucking shrivel up. Oh, yeah. And pull into your body so you don't freeze to death. All right. Whether you're wearing a suit or sweats, you spend almost 24 hours a day in your underwear. But instead of making a statement like Superman's tights under his everyday clothes,

your underwear is probably boring. Me on D's is here to change that. Every pair of me on D's is made from sustainable source modal. Modal. A fabric that's twice as soft as cotton. Nothing can describe the fit and the feel of me on D's. But once you try them on, you'll understand why they are called the world's most comfortable underwear.

And if you don't love your first pair of me on D's, they're free. No questions asked. Me on D's has dozens of styles and limited edition prints to help you make a statement with your underwear, whether anyone can see them or not. Remember Superman shipping is free in the United States and Canada. You can save up to eight dollars a pair with the me on D's subscription plan. Get the subscription or a single pair. Get 20% off your first order when you go to me on these.com slash burr.

That's me on D.com slash burr for 20% off your first order. Hey, me on these.com slash burr. All right. There's three left and I'm going to read those later. Let's get back to the fucking podcast here. I am sweating here roasting bacon boy. You know what I actually checked in? I checked in on the world of baseball.

I have not looked at all my fucking Boston Red Sox. If I can call them that or a game out behind the Baltimore Orioles. They were in between two dirty birds, Orioles and Blue Jays, right? Yankees are in fourth Tampa Bay's bringing up the fucking rear. Here's what's interesting to me. In first place, you got Cleveland. All right. You got Baltimore.

They have not won a World Series since 1983. You got the Cleveland Indians. They haven't won since like fucking was it 1948 or something. Texas has never won. You got the Washington Senators. They're in first place. They used to be the Expos. They never won.

They should have won in 94, but the fucking strikes fucking cut off the whole season. The Chicago Cubs, they haven't won since 1907. And then the San Francisco Giants who've won every other year this decade. All right. Look at that. The fucking Los Angeles Dodgers are only a game and a half out. I have no fucking clue because they're not on my cable servers because they had some fucking country, country fight with somebody.

It's just the worst. So this is pretty cool, man. What a great year for baseball, you know? All right. If I had, if I could see Baltimore, Cleveland or Texas, I would pick Cleveland. If I could see Washington Cubs or San Francisco, you got to go with the Cubs, right? And all their foofy fucking fans taking their shirts off at the fucking games. They don't give a shit, right?

So if it was Cleveland versus the Cubs, you know, I got to go with Cleveland. They just won an NBA title. Let's see them get the fucking, you know, the monkey off their back with baseball and I would root for the Cubs, but I just don't think the people care enough. Every time I see me out to the ball, it's just too fucking happy there. And I also blame them. I really feel like because they do that stupid shit in the seventh inning, that's why the fucking, you know, the Yankees play YMCA

and that's why the Red Sox play that fucking horrific sweet Caroline. The Cubs started it. And because you created that, and I have to, anytime I see a Red Sox game and I have to watch a woman put her head on the shoulder of her boyfriend during the seventh thing stretch, as everybody sings that horrifically creepy fucking song, you know, I kind of hope the Cubs go another hundred and fucking six years. They're up to 108 years. You know what I mean?

Not even the Phillies went that long. The biggest losers and professionals. Nobody's lost more fucking games than those cunts. And they went almost, they went from like 1880 to 1980 or like 1882 to 1980. Let me see. Chicago Cubs. Chicago Cubs. Last world, look at that comes right up.

1907. I'm sorry, 1908. Would you look at that? So it's been a hundred and fucking eight years. They should keep it going. At that point, you know what I mean? You just, you just be who you are. Right?

Plus the fucking White Sox 1-1. I don't understand cities that have two fucking teams. I just don't get it. And one of the team wins it and you don't go to the parade. It's like it represents your city. Don't fucking represent me. How many fucking teams do you need? New York City.

Evidently, in order to remain successful for as much shit as New York City talks, they need two football teams, two baseball teams, two basketball teams and two hockey teams. Fucking unbelievable. I don't know. If you come from a real city like Boston, you just need four and a fucking soccer team and they'll all win championships. You don't know what the fuck you're doing. You don't have to hedge your bets and double down in every fucking sport. Telling you, you know, it's really making my day.

His Rappaport has just been lately. That guy is just, he just won't fucking leave me alone. He was all, he was another guy all excited about the Tom Brady fucking. It's like, Michael, I agree with the suspension. A corporation should be allowed to suspend an employee, even if it is complete horseshit. He's a Giants fan. They fucking own the Patriots and the Super Bowl. Why can't he just be happy with that?

You know what it is about New York fans? Is when they look at Boston fans, they don't see the misery anymore. You know, we can talk shit. It's fucking great and they don't know how to handle it. They want us to be miserable again and we're not. And it's driving them nuts and like the misery that Rappaport has that I'm not miserable. That's the kind of people that these New York sports fans are. That's why they got to get all of these fucking teams.

They're like a fucking, they're like Walmart. They're trying to fucking, you know, have so many locations. They put everybody else out of fucking business. It's just, it's not going to happen. It's not going to fucking happen. All right. So why don't you get three teams in every sport that maybe you could run the table in 10 years? You fucking cunts.

All right. Oh God, who would have ever thought as a Boston sports fan? I could just sit here and laugh at New York sports fans. I never thought that was going to happen. You know, here I am. All fucking happy. Oh fuck. What am I up to?

36 minutes. Okay. Here we go. Here we go. All right. Hey, let's do some reads here. Hey, Billy grip strength. One of your listeners wrote in last week, wrote in last week to ask about his hairy girlfriend.

I'm not sure what he ended up telling her or if he sent you an update, but unfortunately I've had experience with this on a couple of occasions. Now, for those of you who didn't listen the other day, this guy was dating this Brazilian woman, you know, so you know, she's fucking smoking hot. But, you know, she just had a little issue. She had a little bit of fur on her fucking arms and with the tramp stamp would go, you know, the tattoo could get lost in the weeds if you know what I mean. So he wanted to tell her to fucking wax a little bit because, you know, I mean, Jesus Christ, you know, doing it doggy style. She's got like a fucking afro just above a booty crack. I mean, yeah, I mean, what's going on with that? But how do you tell somebody that?

I mean, women can tell guys that in a second. Like you should wax your back. I don't know. Yeah. It just grosses me out. And you're like, all right. That's what it takes to have you keep fucking me, right? You can't tell these ladies anything.

You know, honey, I love you to death, but your back reminds me of Gabe Kaplan. I had an experience with this on a couple of occasions under no circumstance. Should you ever tell her she's hairy? I was dating an Indian broad for a while and she had excessive hair growths on her forearms, lower back. Feet and toes, but worst of all, nose hair. Let that, he said, imagine, let that image sink in is what you wanted to say. This chick was super cool and very attractive, but the hair situation was bothering me. So I broke up with her at her place, but made the mistake of telling her why.

Oh God, dude, why would you do that? Let it be known. This was a bad idea. Well, no, dude, if you just told her, you know, there was a way, you know, obviously if you fucking listen, I'm breaking up with you. I think you're a sweetheart, but physically I can't deal with all of your hair. Yeah, that's going to devastate her anyways. Long story short, she flipped her shit and threw plates, silverware pots, et cetera at me while screaming and crying. So I left when I came back later for my shit.

She had thrown bleach on some of my clothes and stapled condoms to the wall. You could say things got hairy. LOL. Why do women just get to just destroy men's property all of the fucking time? You know, like if the cops show up and she's throwing all your shit up, they just, hey, sweet, calm down. Sorry, just get in the car. Just get away from her since she calms down. It's destruction of property.

There's like a zillion YouTube videos of women just destroying their guys' cars. I don't understand it. I really think men should start prosecuting them for this shit. We always just go like, hey, yeah, dude, she fucking flipped out. Whatever, I can get another flat screen. Just get her away from me. All in all, he said, if the listener hasn't told this lady about his displeasure of her hair, I highly recommend he doesn't.

Well, dude, you fucking told her. You should have just said, listen, that's the fucking reason you were going to break up with her. You should not have brought it up. What did you say? Yeah, listen, honey, we got to talk. This isn't working for me. What? Yeah, I'm just not happy.

Well, what is it? Did I do something? Is it something I said? What's the problem? You're too hairy. You have hairy toes. You have hair above your ass, and it's coming out of your nose. And I just, you know, you're just reminding me of John Matusak.

And I just, you know, it's turning me up. Like, why would you do that to somebody? What you did, sir, was fucking mean. On one part of me actually respects the fact that you actually communicated, and even was fucking mean, is you're going to get what you want in life. If you just don't give a fuck about other people's feelings to that level, you're never going to end up trapped in a fucking relationship. So it's good that you do that.

But in the future, sir, if you're going to break up with something, somebody because of something physical, you know, keep that to yourself, you know? Because who's kidding who, dude? That's not the only reason why you broke up with her, you know? If you got to fucking tell her she was too fucking hairy, if you still liked her, why don't you just say, listen, can you do me a fucking favor? You got hairy toes. Can we start off with that?

Jesus Christ, that's like I'm dating a fucking cave woman. It's 2016. Have you watched any porno in your life? All right, on a side note, he said, you mentioned your home gym and current workouts, but I've never heard you talk about deadlifts. Do you plan on doing them? And if you already do, what type of progress are you making? Thanks to go flog yourself.

What is a deadlift? Is that the one where you fucking bend over at the waist and pull it up? Or is that the one where you fucking, you act like you're in the Olympics and you lift it up over your head? Both of those look like something I shouldn't be doing at my age. All right, videos, deadlift. All right, five common mistakes, the deadlift. All right, here we go.

Oh, Jesus, what is this for? That's the one, the old blow out your back one. No, if you use proper form, does the lifter have an Instagram? His hip should be the first things that move. There's a lot of vital information missing from this. Hips, hip wide stance, hands just outside the hip, full grip of the bar, shoulders slightly in front of the bar, lumbar curve maintained. So at your back.

Yeah, dude, I'm going to give a big fuck that to that exercise unless you can tell me what the hell it does to me other than increase my chances of blowing out my back. For legs, I go hiking and I do body weight exercises. The same way I do grip strength stuff, I'm really into just being able to move my fucking body. I don't need to pick up a car, like I'm grabbing it by its bumper and trying to use my fucking proper form.

But who knows, I'll look those up. I'm sure I'm going to get a big fucking lecture on, oh my God, you don't do deadlifts, you might as well not be working out at all. All right, dear bald ass Billy Gunn, regarding your caller who needs advice on getting his girlfriend to shave off body hair. Okay, here we go.

I would like to tell him to be careful what he wishes for. I had a girlfriend with really hairy arms and because of it, she had very low self-esteem. Once we got to college, her friends took her to a beauty salon and she had her arm hair waxed. Shortly after, she started to receive a lot of new male attention and pretty soon had little time for me. Shortly after, she told me she needed to talk.

Oh, Jesus, yeah, she moved up in the draft. She had a good combine. She told me she didn't want to limit her options in college. Good for her. He goes, I was devastated. I told her that since I found her attracted when nobody else did that that should count for something. She replied with, we all make mistakes and walked out.

Jesus. Anyways, consider your moves carefully before doing something brash. Thanks for the subpar podcast and go fuck yourself. P.S., take it easy on guys writing to you for solutions. They are obviously at rock bottom if they are willing to take advice from a dyslexic freckled cunt. Jesus, this guy took two shots at me. Well, yeah, that's fucking brutal.

Once again, that is something where when it was going the other way women would be like, that's brutal. But then if they read this same fucking story and as much as they dumped you, she dumped you and you accepted her for who you were, they would all be like, that's right, you go girl. You go get what the fuck you want in life. Dude, that's kind of fucking funny.

I mean, does that fuck with your self-esteem at all? I think it did. I think that's why you gave me shit not once, but twice at the end of it. I think you got a little bit of anger, which I would have had anger too. Jesus Christ, you know what's funny about that? It's like if she keeps fucking doing it

and enough time goes by, the next guy who dates her is going to have no idea that that's part of her fucking genetics and then he's going to have a little hairy baby and be like, where the fuck did this come from? She's going to be like, I don't know. Fucking baby coming out looking like Robin Williams' arms. Remember his fucking furry arms?

Rest his soul. Oh my God, that's fucking... Anything that happens to a guy, it just ends up being funny. I don't know what it is. Everything that happens to a woman is tragic, but just when shit happens to guys, it's fucking funny.

What are you going to do? You know what you're going to do, buddy? You go to the fucking gym, right? You go to the gym and just start hitting on shit way out of your fucking league. Do it for yourself, man. She's reaching for the fucking stars. So should you.

Take that as an inspiration and, you know, God help the next fucking guy she gets with. Jesus fucking Christ. And then, you know, some, the whole time she walks this earth, she has to live with that secret. You know, because I'll tell you, there's no fucking way she's telling the next guy that that's what's going on. If that held her back, right?

And you know, when she walks around and hangs out with all these other fucking beautiful women now in her beautiful people circle and they have like fucking no hair on their arms, there's going to be something in the back of her head. You know? And one day she'll have too many white Zinfatales and she'll just say to her fucking boyfriend,

there's nothing I have to tell you. Well, maybe she won't. Maybe she won't. And then some day they have the hairy baby, the old HB, the dreaded hairy baby. I can't come into work today. Oh, what's the matter? Ah, my wife gave birth to a hairy baby.

Yeah, dude, it's fucking ridiculous. I thought it was a little gorilla. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, turns out she had fucking hair all over. She just got waxed. All right, dear red saunya. I don't know what that means. I hope I said saunja, S-O-N-J-A.

Um, should I look that one up? I mean, if it's an insult, I got to see what it is. I want to share in the laugh other than the fact I can't pronounce it or know what it is. Red saunja. What is red saunja? Red saunja, 1985, is a vengeful woman, sets out to achieve a magic orb with an E-I.

I got to see images of this. Jesus Christ, she's fucking smoking hot. Um, I don't know what that means. But anyways, dear red saunja, heard the email from the guy with the hairy Brazilian girl. This is another one. This is another one. A lot of hairy ladies.

Um, I have a suggestion for the other guys in a similar situation. Um, have Bill Burr address it for you. Listen to the podcast over the speakers when your girl is home. That way you'll plant a seed in her brain and hopefully get her to shave and wax without even addressing it yourself.

Oh, so play that fucking part of the podcast when they're around. Uh, you know what? Women are way more complex than that. That's a fucking decent idea. And, uh, because what's going to happen, if she's self-conscious about that, or if the light goes off, she's going to be like,

that's, first she'll be like, that's stupid. That guy shouldn't have blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then about a half hour of that bullshit, she'll finally come around to saying like, do you think there's like, I know I'm a little more hairier than most girls. Does it bother you? It's still going to come back to you.

If women were that fucking easy to deal with emotionally, we wouldn't die eight years before them. There's no fucking way it would be that easy. Like they're just going to listen to the podcast and it's going to click and be like, oh, wow, maybe I should wax. I'm going to do that and not have a fucking four-hour UN meeting with my fucking boyfriend.

Um, anyways, he said, I've done the same thing in the past with great success. Okay, maybe I'm wrong. Wait a minute. Here's the replay. Going over to the replay booth. Uh, I happened to listen to an episode. He said I happened in quotes to listen to an episode

about lip hair when we were driving. Three days later, mustache was gone. Try it. It just might work. Holy shit. All right. Well, fuck it. Give it a shot.

I stand corrected. I apologize, sir. I apologize. I apologize. Jesus Christ. I just pictured the, uh, the referee coming back saying no goal, but he actually came back and said the goal was allowed.

You lost sight of the puck and the mustache still left. It's incredible. All right. All the best from Sweden. Okay. What am I up to here? 50 fucking minutes.

All right. Okay. Career crossroads. Hey, Billy, fuck face. I like that guy. He just, he didn't try to be creative. He just went right for it. I am a 17 year old high school senior going to,

into college studying pre-law. And ever since I was young, I wanted to go into the military. My father owns a medical compliance company and has promised me a job after college. Should I get a law degree? However, he was, Jesus Christ. You know what?

I just realized I got to do something. Hang on. I got to start this fucking, I got to hit pause and I got to start this fucking question over again. I got to unlock the door here. Hang on. All right. I'm back.

I need to unlock the door. She had her keys. For some reason I didn't think she had her keys. And she's, the lovely Nia's going to come on, hopefully in a minute and dress the fucking, the growing controversy of the hairy girlfriend. How do you tell her? All right.

So here we go. Hey, Billy. Hey, Billy fuck face. I am a 17 year old high school senior going into college studying pre-law. And ever since I was young, I wanted to go into the military. My father owns a medical compliance company has promised me a job after college.

Should I get a law degree? Why would you get a law degree and then work in a medical compliance company? Oh, medical. I thought I was thinking like they supplied like appliances. He was selling like fucking dental drills and shit. However, he has recently talked about selling the company and retiring as he is nearing 70 and not getting any younger.

My question is this, after I finished college, should I enlist in the military? Something that I've wanted as long as I can remember, or should I stick with the safer option? Never choose safe. Taking over my father's business slash securing a safe, lifelong career. No, dude, that is a recipe for what if.

Fuck that, dude. You're young. You don't have any kids. Just risk, risk, risk, risk, risk. I'm not saying fucking jump off a bridge here. I'm just saying, yeah, go big. You go big when you're young. You know, she'd never go out with me.

Fucking ask her out. Who gives a fuck? Right? Oh my God, I can't try to do that. That's a one in a zillion chance. Just go fucking do it. Listen to how I read out loud, how fucking horrific I am. And I've been tremendously successful telling shit jokes.

Now, if I can do it, believe me, anybody can do it and you can too. If that's what you want to do, you should definitely do it. Anyways, he said, I'm worried that during my absence in the military, there's a strong possibility my father will say screw it and sell the business. I'm at a loss because on one hand, I don't want to sit at a desk 10 years from now

thinking about what could have been a great experience in the military. But on the other hand, I don't want to lose a job at my father's and be stuck at a soul sucking law firm for 30 years in a tiny cubicle working to make someone else's dream come true. I'm really at a crossroads here and I don't want to make the wrong choice

that could potentially fuck me over big time. What would you do if you were my shoes? Thank you and go fuck yourself. I would go into the military. I'd finish your law degree. That's what you want to do. I would go into the military, join the branch that you wanted to. I would fucking crush it in the military.

And then when I come out, I would attack being a lawyer at the same attitude. Why do you feel like you're going to be stuck in a tiny cubicle? Why wouldn't you move up and become partner? You need to dream bigger dreams, dude. This whole thing of like, you know, the only way you're going to be successful

in the business world is if you take a job for your dad, fuck that, dude. If you go the other route, you become a self-made man. And when you become a self-made man, you get a belief and a confidence in yourself and you don't worry. Like you're 17, you're already worrying. Fuck that.

You got your whole life ahead of you. I would go out and do everything that you want to do. And then one day, all 20 years goes by and all of a sudden you're like, holy shit, I work for myself. I'm making great money. I can go to the movies whenever I want to. I can take a vacation, you know.

I could talk shit on a podcast. It's like, it just completely opens, the world opens up for you. But you know, if you go the safe route, you know, there's that fucking gnawing, that haunting voice in the back of your head. What if I did this? What if I did that?

You start sleeping at night. Fucking thrashing and shit. I think you're going to do great in the military and I think you'll do great as a lawyer. And that's what you should be thinking, you know? That's it. And you're going to meet some fucking beautiful woman and you get married or whatever the fuck is you want to do.

Just think positive thoughts and surround yourself with people that feel that way. And if you have a friend that sees you start to do well and you feel them starting to become negative, address it. And if they don't fucking clean up their shit, you cut them out of your life. Because those people will bring you down.

Stay here at the town bar with your old football jacket on. Fuck that. All right, good luck to you, sir. All right, dating an older lady. An older broad. Hey, Billy boy, fuck not. Been in a serious relationship with an older woman.

She is fantastic. Cooks for me, rubs my feet, gives me sponge baths and just an absolute gem. She has a great job, makes a boatload of cash, I guess. And I also do very well for myself. Money is not an issue. I deeply care for her and love her. I'm 30 and she is 45,

but she looks better than most girls my age. When we first met, I thought she was 32. So that's what initially attracted me to her. She's fucking slamming hot and a great person and has a great personality. We can joke around and I can say disturbing things to her and she just laughs. She's a class act type of broad.

She was an 18-year-old daughter. She has an 18-year-old daughter, but as far as I'm concerned, I don't really give a flying fuck. My family had some opinions and were like, she's too old, blah, blah, blah, fuck them. They have miserable relationships. She makes me a better person and I feel good.

Your thoughts, Billy little sack. Jesus Christ is fucking everybody. They give me the old fucking one, two there. Well, dude, you sound like you're happy. That's what the fuck you want. There's nothing wrong with it. That's what you want. There's nothing fucking wrong with it.

If she makes you happy, yeah, absolutely. Why would you leave? I don't know if you want to have kids. That would be a fucking issue. At that point, you freeze your fucking eggs and you jerk off into something. I don't know how it works. I don't pretend to be a doctor.

Oh fuck, you know what? I didn't read the other goddamn... the other advertisements. Let me just knock out these last really quickly. Let's see how fast I can read these. This is going to be a fucking train wreck. Simple faith. I'm not going to read these fast.

Simple faith, everybody. Thousands of people seeking home security get ripped off every day. And the home security industry wants you to believe it's your only option. They've got hordes of salesmen out there trying to scare you in deciding one of their long-term contracts.

You get stuck writing huge checks month after month with no way out. It's robbery by contract and it can cost you thousands. But there's a better way to protect your home with simple faith home security. Simple faith has no contracts. None.

You'll get award-winning 24-7 protection named best in the industry. Security professionals watching, ready to instantly send the police. And it's just $14.99 a month. $14.99. That's less than half of what most companies charge. Protect your home this smart way.

Visit simplefaithbird.com. There's no slash. There's nothing. I'm going to guess there's a slash. There's simplefaithbird.com. But this ain't simplefaithbird.com. Try one or the other. For an exclusive 10% offer and get a free key chain,

remote, worth $25. Only when you go to simplefaithbird.com that's simplefaithbird.com. MVMT watches, everybody. When you're in your early 20s and 30s, money can be tight. If you're not careful, dressing well can quickly drain your bank account

like spending $400 to $500 on a department store watch. There's some brands out there that are charging insane prices for watches that aren't even worth it. Well, if you want to look great when you go up but still have enough money to buy him or her a drink, check out movementwatches.com. I've seen them before, and these watches are sharp.

Originally founded by two broke college kids, MVMT watches cut out the middleman and their big brand retail markups. And, yeah, cut out the middleman and their big brand retail markups in order to give you a stylish watch for an affordable price. MVMT watches just start at $95.

A watch with department store quality for a fraction of the price. They're sleek and minimalistic. A modern twist on a classic style. MVMT has grown occasionally, organically, sorry, purely by supporters like you. So join their more than one million social media followers

and get a movement watch today. Go to MVMTwatches.com. And they'll save you 15% off your entire purchase. MVMTwatches.com. And lastly, but not leastly, Dolly Shave Club, dude. People's Dolly Shave Club.com delivers amazing razors right to your door

for a third of the price of what the greedy Razor Corporation's charge. That means when you join Dolly Shave Club, you can afford to shave with the fresh blade any time you want, which feels fantastic. You get a first-class shave when you use the executive blade, and that's without even hurting your wallet.

And when you use the executive blade with the Dr. Cavie's Easy Shave Butter. Dr. Carver's Shave Butter. The blade just gently glides for the smoothest shave ever. Shave Butter is in your average shave cream. It's a unique conditioning formula with high-quality natural ingredients

leaving your skin unbelievably soft and smooth. Now's a great time to join Dolly Shave Club. New members who buy a tube of Shave Butter get a month of the executive razor for free. Take advantage of this special offer today. It's available by going to DollyShaveClub.com slash Burr. That's DollyShaveClub.com slash Burr.

And lastly, if you want to donate to this podcast without it costing you a fucking dime, any time you're going to buy something on Amazon, if you go to my podcast page, you click on the little Amazon link there. It takes you right to Amazon. It doesn't cost you any extra money, and I get credit for driving traffic there.

If you want to. If you don't, that's fucking cool too. Hey, Nia, do you want to read this thing with me? Yeah. Okay. All right, well, that's the end of the podcast, but she's going to come here in the end, and we're going to, I don't know,

a little bonus, like, five-minute thing here. This could go south very easily, but we'll see what happens. Hang on, let me hit pause. All right, the lovely Nia, everybody. Hi. How are you? I'm great, thanks.

Okay, let's get right down to it. Okay. All right, this guy, he's dating this woman. He thinks she's beautiful, but she's hairy. This thing again? Well, yeah, but I never, you never talked to about it. We never got a female's advice on this. I thought we did.

You talked about it? Yeah, remember I said, like, either, like, he sort of gets something waxed, and they go together, and it's funny, or he just, like, gets over it. You said that on the podcast? Oh, did we talk about that on our own? Not on the podcast?

And you got all mad at me, because I was like, if she's not... What do you have against talking into the mic? I don't know. You just sit there and go like, I know, people tweeted me the last time. I was like, I can't hear you. So you've told me to talk into the mic.

Yeah, just have it follow your mouth. Okay, but because the thing is, I feel like if a microphone is anywhere near me, it's going to microphone my voice, so I don't need to amplify. Wow. So I don't need to... It's very rare that someone makes me look like the smart one.

Microphone my voice, so... Well, what you have to know is... I thought we talked about it, but... With microphones, each one of them, there's ones that are designed to pick up 360. There's ones that are like, these ones are like directly on. Okay.

So if it's directly on, the reason for that is if there's other background noise, you don't want to pick that up. There's other microphones designed where you want to hear the whole room. These are directly on, so you got to speak into it. But this is not what we're talking about. Okay, sorry. All right, so somebody's got...

Yeah, I thought we talked about this. And she's got like a hair on her lower back. Yeah, like right where the tramp stamp would be. Yeah, I remember this. Like she could have a tramp stamp and he wouldn't know. Right, because there's the whole thicket of hair under there. Yeah, I thought we talked about this. Did you stop saying that?

Okay. I understand that you think that we talked about it. Neither one of us can remember if we did it on the podcast or not. This is just bonus time anyway. All right. So refresh our listeners. Well, my feeling was... You're dating a woman.

She's got a fucking afro right above her butt crack. What do you say? There's nothing wrong with an afro. On your head. Boo, boo, boo. I think you have to get it. Answer though. God damn cool.

This is just... It's a tough one. How long has he been dating this person? Can he be like, so what's with your little furry back over here? You're like my little chia pet in a cute way. Can he say it in a cute way? How do you say that in a cute way?

I don't know. Say it. Oh, you're my little chia pet back here. No. No. You know what, maybe he could just sort of like... This is going to sound really fucking weird, but maybe he could just sort of like stroke it or whatever.

But the thing is she'll probably be like, oh God, no, don't touch that. I know there's like hair back there. It's so like weird. I hate it. And you can go, why don't you get it waxed? And she might be like,

I don't know. Like I'm embarrassed. I'll go with you. I'll wax something with you. How about that? I'll wax something. You wax something. I have an idea.

Boom. That's a good idea. I have an idea too. What? How about when, you know, she's wearing like a sexy shirt so it doesn't quite reach down to her pants. When she goes to get up off the...

She probably doesn't wear shirts like that. When she goes to get up off the couch, up and grab her little backhand, go get back down here. Pull her back. What if she's lying on her stomach at the beach and he starts braiding it for her? I know.

It's bad. It's bad. It's a kind of comfortable situation. Shouldn't... Well, this one guy was saying he was dating this woman. She had like even hairy feet. She had like hairy toes.

Shit happens, man. I know, but what the fuck, Nia? You gotta handle that. I mean, ideally, yes, you would handle that. In a perfect world. In a perfect world. But, you know, I had girlfriends for years

who had a little... Just like the little shade of a mustache and they just never... It just never really occurred to them to wax it until like recently. And I remember I had a friend I saw I hadn't seen in a while and she was like,

do you notice anything different? And she kept turning her face in a certain way and I was like, did you get your upper lip wax? You don't look like Burt Reynolds anymore. Yeah, she was like, I finally did it. She's like, I don't know.

I was always just intimidated to go into the place. And she's like, but I'm so glad I did. Is that what it is? Yeah, people are self-conscious and you think you'll go in there and you'll get judgment

by the waxing person. But the waxing person has waxed, you know, Chewbacca down there. So they don't care. That's their job. So it could be that she's just like a little embarrassed to go to a place and have it taken off.

Because who wants to say, oh, I have to go get my back waxed today? Well, you don't have to say that. You just walk in. You go, hey, can you wax my back? You don't even have to whisper it. I know you don't.

So... Oh, no, but if you go there, do other people see you getting your back waxed? No. No, no, no. You're in a private room. Whenever you get any kind of waxing service.

It's not a problem. Oh, so you're in there like Steve Pharrell? No! Yeah, Clarkson! Exactly. Yeah. So you're in a private thing. So he just has to do it in a cute way.

You know what this one asshole did? What? He goes, I suggest you don't tell the woman that she's hairy. Mm-hmm. He told the woman, he broke up with her

and said the reason why he was doing it was because she was so hairy. Is that... Well, that's not the way to do it. Isn't that the meanest thing you've ever... That's the fucking meanest thing ever. Yeah.

Is that something that's... Are you that shallow? Because that's something that's easily fixable. Are you that fucking shallow that you break up with someone and it's like, could you have a hairy back?

Like, what a fucking asshole. Oh, his back, feet, nose. A lot of coming out of the nose and then the arms. That's just, that's unnecessary to say that after the fact. If you love somebody...

No. And there's some kind of... Even if you don't, even if you don't love somebody you don't do that to somebody. Yeah, no, that's not, that's not okay. But then she fucking,

he came, she started throwing plates and he fucking left and then came back, she had dumped bleach on his clothes and stapled some condoms to the fucking wall. The usual destruction of property

that for some reason... Do you... Is validated. Do you have... I've never actually noticed. Do you have back hair yet? What do you mean, back hair yet?

Like, because I feel like that's something that has men get older. I have actually never noticed. Turn around. No, I don't have back hair. Well, Jesus Christ, Nia, you fucking sleep next to me

every goddamn day. I know, but I just never thought to look for that. No, I don't have back hair. You know what? There is a very fine little area in the lower back tramp stamp area. Not a lot.

You can barely see it because your hair is so fair. But like, no, no, no. You have a very small... Yeah, I got nothing back there. There's nothing back there. I mean, there's more on your chest than on your lower back.

It's a very small amount. But the thing is, I feel like in 10 years, that shit could get a little thicker. Yeah, in 10 years, I'm going to be close to 60. I mean, I'd still have you wax it. What, in 10 years?

Mm-hmm. What, with my white fucking back hair against my white back? Because it bothers you when I wear a fucking half-shirt? I mean, what are we doing at that point? That's a fair... Wait, look at my lower back.

Let's just do... No, you don't. No, you don't. No, okay. You don't. Well, I'm... Yeah, I try to... Very familiar with your lower back.

You don't. Oh. Yeah, you don't. You're not a hairy person. So... But if I was hairy back there, would you say something to me? No, I just would have broke up with you.

What? So you would have broken up over... Because I wouldn't have taken the time to fall in love with you if you're walking around looking like fucking Burt Reynolds and Playgirl. Okay.

Oh, I see a Photoshop coming. Oh, my God. You know that's coming. Wait, shout out to the MM Photoshop on Twitter. Oh, my God. Dude, that one with me standing in front of the fountain.

I fucking... Dude, we were in the writer's room when I saw that and I fucking laughed so hard. Yeah. Like, one of the other writers was going like, what, what?

And I showed it to him and he was going like, oh, my God, that's so mean. I go, that's fucking hilarious. And then I loved the picture of you that they found. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, it was like

when you were going out to some event. So you look... That was us at the heat premiere. Yeah. That's what that picture was for. I was trying to be like fucking, you know, modest about it. I didn't want to sit there

and say you were at a movie premiere. I said you had some big event. You always got to drop... Why would I just be standing there? You always have to fucking drop the Hollywood shit, don't you, dear? I was trying to provide context

for the photo. The premiere for the cinematic film, where my husband had two lines. You had more than two lines. If you sneezed in that movie, you missed me. But now everybody follow the MM Photoshop on Twitter.

Yeah, whoever that is, man or woman is fucking hilarious. Wait, wait, wait. Actually, I have a better one for the MM Photoshop. All right. So wait, where's my phone? Because I wrote it down.

Remember, you said the name of a movie and it was once again how you have just sort of clues from the movie. Yeah, you don't remember the titles. All right. So I'm going to find it because it was definitely

one of your classic ones. And we're not going to say what the movie is. We're just going to have the MM Photoshop... Wait, let me see if I can find it. Mock it up, put it on Twitter, and then everyone will be able

to guess, hopefully. All right. So you called this movie, I'm going to kill you on Wall Street there, fucko. That's a movie. That was a movie. That's a movie.

So people are going to try to guess what it is. MM Photoshop is going to... You know what's funny? Days later... A movie poster. Days later, you reading that, it now sounds like somebody

else said it and that's a terrible clue. That's not even close. It's sort of close. Don't figure it out. All right. Well, it's a 12-minutes pack.

It's a 12-minutes pack. It's a 12-minutes pack. It's a 12-minutes pack. It's a 12-minutes pack. It's a 12-minutes pack. It's a 12-minutes pack. It's a 12-minutes pack. It's...

12 minutes past the hours here. It's time to wrap this up because when it's past 01:12:53,000 --> 01:12:54,000 12 minutes past the hour. W-B-U-R-R. Morning becomes eclectic. I love how you listen

to that and you think it makes you smarter. All right. That's it. That's so pretentious. No, at this point you aren't to be smarter. At you aren't to be smarter.

That's pour. That's the KCRW. It's to get a variety of musical stylists. Of the same liberal viewpoint. All right. You done? Is this over?

Can I sign off? Can I go somewhere and eat my oatmeal, please? No. You know what it is? I don't like shit that's 100% liberal or 100% conservative.

All right. That's fine. I like in the middle because both of them cause me to yell at them. Bill, you yell at everything. It doesn't matter

what it is. That's not true. Because nothing is exactly your viewpoint. I don't yell at you. What? I don't yell at the dog. That's also not true.

I don't yell at other drivers. I'm courteous. I'm polite. I don't yell at the dog. I don't yell at inanimate objects like my computer. I don't do any of those things.

Sure. Well then, all right then. You're peaceful. You're like a redheaded Gandhi. I definitely look like Ben Kingsley more than I look like fucking Danny Bonaduch. All right.

That's the, that's the podcast here for the, for this Monday. Danny Bonaduch. Danny Bonaduch. Hey, we got a situation

with Danny Bonaduch. Danny Bonaduch. We got to take care of the fucking, all right. That's it. I'll talk to you fuckos on Thursday. Go fuck yourselves.