Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-19-21

Episode Date: July 19, 2021

Bill rambles aboutBill rambles about shark attacks, cake, and England.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 19th, 2021. What's going on? How are you? How the hell is it going with you? You're doing good. I hope so. I'm rooting for you. I'm not one of these people, you know, you start getting something good going on and then I get all upset. You know why that is? Is it because I'm a good person? Is it because I have a good heart? No! It's because I'm having a good week. That's how it works if you're a human being. If you've got shit, you can be happy when other people have shit. If you don't got shit, that's when you start going, hey, this fucking guy, he didn't work for shit. His fucking parents bought him that fucking car. Dude, if I was in his family, dude, I'd be fucking being picked up a go-go chick. That's how it is. That's how it is as a human being. You know, I saw Mercedes Benz and the front license plate said something like, don't be hating.

You know, and it's just like, you know, you're really fucked up. You have a Mercedes. You don't need to stoop to that level. All right, now we know that you bought the car for the simple reason of fucking driving around, showing it off. So all that fucking license plate says to me is you're actually not really happy. You know, because you went out and you bought something. You know, sure, it makes you happy as you're buying it. You start tingling, you know? You start driving by all the bad bitches, as the kids say, right? And all of a sudden they're fucking turning around. Huh, why do they like you? They like you because they got that car. Because you got the car, that's why. And just like you, they don't like you either for you. I'm such a cunt. Why am I such a cunt?

I just thought, you know, you got a Mercedes Benz. It's German engineering. I mean, it's a fucking sports car with four doors. You don't need to be fucking robbing people's face in it. You really don't, but you know, people do it. Anyway, I don't understand. Why can't people be perfect like me? That's the theme of this podcast. Why do I have everything all figured out? Oh, because I don't like to be challenged, so I surround myself with weak people. Kidding. All right, please announce new show added. All right, September 10th, 10, Fran Tarkenton. Oh, Jesus, there's another number 10 that just, oh God, he fucking had the fucking Patriots number. Huh? Eli Manic, number 10. Number 10, two more Super Bowls than Fran Tarkenton, who would have had one.

You know, if the fucking Vikings were eating their Wheaties the way the Steelers were, wink, wink. September 10th at the Bryce Jordan Center, University Park, Pennsylvania. I'm going to hang around and go to that fucking Penn State game afterward. Very excited for that. Or maybe it's the Thursday before, because I think I'm in Atlantic City the day after. I don't know how it works. Or maybe it's that weekend. I don't fucking know. All right, pre-sale is Thursday, July 22nd at 10 a.m. Eastern to Thursday, July 22nd at 10 p.m. Eastern. So it's basically 12 hours. The code is Monday, all capitals, M-O-N-D-A. A few pilots out there, Mike, Oscar, November, Delta, Alpha, Yankee, on sale Friday to everybody. The general public, 7.23 at 10 a.m. Eastern Standard Time. Once again, Thursday, 7.22, 10 a.m. Eastern Standard Time is the pre-sale to that night at 10 p.m.

East Coast time. All right. So all you fucking cokeheads should still be up out here west. Be able to get the front row tickets. I can watch you fucking sweating, grinding your goddamn teeth. Speaking of fucking cokeheads. Oh my God. Is there anything better, being stone sober and having some fucking guy just fucking gacked out of his fucking mind coming up to you? Sweaty fucking drug sweat. I'll be honest with you. I'm an old man. Okay, Bill, we knew this. All right, but I just got to say this. I don't know what he was on. Okay. There's like a real cool thing right now where I think after all these years of drug abuse that the young people, one of the few advantages young people have right now, which youth is not an advantage right now, the way this fucking climate is going.

These poor kids, they're down to two seasons. All right, they get some, they get fucking summer and winter. That's it. All right, at least the one thing the previous generations, all of us selfish cunts, myself included. At least what we left for you was research on what are the good drugs and what are the bad drugs? You know, because everybody's having all these fucking breakthroughs with their mushrooms and shit. I kind of did the same thing. So, you know, and then, you know, then there's the evil shit. The coke, the heroin, synthetic heroin, all of that fucking shit. We know this stuff, Bill. Anyway, this guy comes up. He's in the dark room. Whatever the fuck he took, this guy was in the dark room. So, I went up, I did a set at Supernova. I had a great time just fucking with people.

I'm really trying to get my act where I want it to be because as always, I got shit to say about the ladies, but I want to do it in a way that they're going to be receptive. Okay, I don't want them to be like, hey, hey, hey, because what's the point of that? They're not going to listen. I want to do it more like a fucking half-time speech of how they can get their shit together. All right, and how arrogant is that for a man to tell women how to get their shit together? What kind of a man would do that? How arrogant would I be to do that? What am I, a woman? Only women do that. My wife is always telling me how I can be a better person, and she does not give me a half-time speech. She talks to me like the game's already over and we lost by 40.

The fuck was that out there? I will not be embarrassed like that one more fucking time. I'll tell you right now, if what I saw out there today during that brunch is what the fuck the rest of the scene is going to look like, that's the door right over there. And you better ask yourself, do I want to be here? Those are the speeches I get. Not saying I don't deserve it. Not saying I don't deserve it, right? Yeah, because I do. Because I respond to that shit. I respond to negativity. Don't come at me with your feelings and tell me that you care. I'm not even going to listen to you. I just feel gross and I'm folding myself up into myself or I want to walk out of the room.

Do not come with me. Come at me with love, okay? Even though that's probably what the little orange me from way back in the 70s always wanted, it's too late, okay? The feelings are paved over, right? Some day, some day when they fucking, you know, they've run out of fucking land to build on, okay? And they put it to a vote. Can we dig up all these dead people and just drop them in the ocean? They won't let the general public fucking, they'll attach it to a bill. Something like, you know, should ice cream for children be illegal, right? And then if you vote no, you also get to dig up the dead people. That's how they do it. That's how they do it, right? So then the politician can get out of it and be like, well, what was I supposed to say? A kid couldn't have Rocky Road?

So when they dig me up, I don't even want to go with this. Like a fucking archeological fund. Look at this fucking guy. He still looks pissed and he's dead. He's supposed to be at peace. Oh, he died with childhood? He was paved over. Scientists are discovering that some of the bodies they throw into the ocean have a look and they've decided to keep the bodies above ground and examine them. They throw all the happy people in the ocean. Actually, speaking of the ocean, I'm going to get to this drugged up dude in a minute. Speaking of the ocean, I heard someone who's terrified. I'm still terrified. Even though there was no sharks in the ocean. All right? Who have every right to be there? Okay. Hey, you know, I'm not racist against sharks. I'm just proud to be a land dweller.

That's that's all this rally is about. Shark. What the fuck do they call it? They got this thing now that when you go into the ocean, you wear it on your ankle if you want to look sexy, or you can have it around your wrist. If you're happy in your relationship or you're not single, and it emits like this fucking tone that they don't like. I mean, I'm just short shark, shark tone, save swimming. I think if you wear this thing swimming with bull shark nuts, stupid. No. Did you see that fucking kid from Jackass covered himself and chum and jumped into the water with a bunch of fucking sharks and almost got his goddamn hand bit off. Somebody was saying that they have this fucking shark repellents effective at protecting swimmers. You'll be hilarious if this finally gets me to the beach and then I die a sunstroke.

That was like somebody I heard in a helicopter. You had a fully articulated main rotor system, right? Which means you can slam the stick forward and you won't have mass bumping like on a two-bladed system. If you were to do that, you could do it. It's called a low-g pushover. And then you counterintuitive move to recover his aft cyclic, not to the left or to the right, and you'll chop your tail off, mass bump your main rotor pops off. So this guy was trying to show that he could do that in his helicopter and he slammed it forward and he ended up, his attitude was so severe, he starved the engine of fuel. Fucking engine quit and he had to go into an auto and he fucked up his helicopter. I'm laughing because he left. I'm going to do the beach version of that. I got my little bracelet. I can go swimming and I don't put any shit on my head. I fucking go home looking like hellboy if you stop working out.

All right, the sight of a shark circling beneath a swimmer's feet as they enjoy a dip in the ocean is enough to send any unsuspecting beachgoer into a state of panic. I don't think that's a state of panic, a state of fucking obvious emotion. Panic is when you're just like, I just don't know what's going to happen next month. Will you fucking relax? It's going to be fine. You fucking say this every month, you're still here. So the point, everybody that loves you wants you to die, okay? Well, I'm sorry somebody had to say it. But you know, if you see a shark swimming underneath an unsuspecting beachgoer, if it's a suspecting beachgoer, like one of those jackass guys, those lunatics, which I'm absolutely going to watch that fucking movie. Like, talk about the greatest hype ever for a fucking movie.

He did a stunt. You're going to actually get to watch somebody attacked by a fucking shark, you know? Everybody went to go see Jaws to like Jaws 9 and they all sucked and that was just, you know, fucking fake people getting eaten, real people getting eaten by a fake shark. There's no fucking way you're not going to go see a real person get bit on the hand. That's better. That's better. Because it's real. Anyway, so I don't think you're, you know, if it's a suspecting beachgoer, you don't get me. If they're an unsuspecting beachgoer, you're not in panic. You're tapping into fight or flight. So I don't think you're in a state of panic when you're just like, Larry, get the fuck out of water! Dude, can we talk about the panic? Listen, okay?

I know that there was a shark underneath his feet and he was unsuspecting, but there was no reason to bring your voice to that level. Okay? It was toxic. It didn't feel like a safe environment. I didn't want to fly a kite anymore. Anyway, however, the odds of getting attacked and killed by a shark are 1 in 3.7... Wait, 3... Oh, Jesus. 370... Wait, 3,740... This is why I became a comedian. 3,748... You know what it is? Is they have a comma after the last number, instead of a fucking period and two zeros. 3,748,067.

Yeah, but that's because there's 7 billion people on the planet. You're out of your fucking... There's no fish left in the ocean. Okay? At this point, I think you used to just get those curiosity bites. Like, what the fuck is that? I'm fucking starving. Be like, if you went to a fucking foreign land and you were uncomfortable with cuisine, you didn't know what anything was, went to one of those countries where they have like a fucking yak face, smoked and hanging in the window, like, hey, that shit, what the fuck is... Is that a hoof? What is that, right?

And all of a sudden, you know, you're there for a couple of days, it's just like... I mean, I gotta eat. I think that's where sharks are right now. Sharks are like Barry Bonds in like 1998. Okay? When all of a sudden, fucking, the president is calling Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa and then I call it him. So he said, all right, fucking, here's me on Royce. Sharks are in the same thing. Like, you're eating all our fish, what the fuck are we supposed to do? You're gonna come in here with your dad bod all fucking marbled like a fucking cowboy steak? What am I supposed to do?

So anyway, Sammy said, there are more deaths every year from vending machines and coconuts. Said April Boyle. April spelled A-P-R-Y-L, so you know she's difficult. Founder and CEO of El Porto Shark, an organization that analyzes and forecasts shark population data. There are an average of 10 shark attacks every year globally. That's pretty insane. My fear is pretty ridiculous. So you know what? When you get attacked by a shark rather than screaming in pain, I think your first thought you should just... It's instead, if you have that information for lifeguards out there, if people are listening to this podcast,

maybe when they get bit, they don't have that high-pitched scream anymore. They're just way out in the water and you just hear somebody go, really? Sharks have killed approximately 50 people in the last century, while humans kill 11,000 sharks every hour. Wow, I'll tell you, these sharks gotta get a fucking PR person, huh? They're still the bad guy. We're literally going where they are. Despite the low risk, if you're a true environmentalist, you gotta be rooting for the sharks, right? Or does it depend what the person's wearing that they eat? Because then those flippers, if they're made out of some sort of non-natural-based material that's gonna be in the ocean,

the big question is, are these devices actually effective? And this is what I love about man's desire for fucking women. Is some douche is gonna actually go test it out? You know, because I know they're gonna do it on a dummy first, but at some point, it's gotta be the real deal. The real heart rate, you know, because I guess your heart rate sounds like a panic seal. This is all shit I've heard in a bar, so I don't know if any of this is real. Some douche is gonna go in and do it, so then he can talk loudly about it later on in a bar. You know what I mean? You gotta ask yourself if you knew how to talk to women or whatever the fuck you're into.

Okay, whatever pronoun turns you on. If you really knew how to approach this person, would you be fucking doing that? If there's a fucking God that gives a shit, which I don't think there is, I'm actually coming back that there is a higher power and this is just all a fucking game. Okay, this eats this, this eats that, and then I'll put these people at the top and they'll fucking have egos and I'll make sociopaths and narcissists and they'll create money and they'll oppress each other and I'm just gonna sit back and just fucking watch it until it burns itself down. That's what I think it is.

So maybe, you know, God doesn't give a fuck when you show up. You know? Hey Jesus, get out of here, you gotta hear this one. Start over, start over. What happened? I thought you're God, man, I thought you know everything. Come on, come on, it's my son, it's my son. He had a rough one down there, just tell him the story.

All right, well, you know, I was, you know, I was testing out, no, no, no, go all the way back, go all the way back, further back, let's start in junior high. Okay, well, you know, that was around the time when, you know, people started getting girlfriends and boyfriends but it was just sort of the popular kids, so, you know, it didn't really bug me, you know, high school came around and, you know, it was still kind of the same boat and then I thought it all worked out in college and it didn't. You know, I was like pushing 30, I was still a virgin and I don't know, I just thought I needed something to talk about.

Tell him what you did. Well, you know, Jesus, I know you spent most of your life on land, I believe. Even when you're on water, you're walking on it, so, you know, I, they got these things called sharks. Is he listening? All right, they got these things called sharks and, you know, so they eat people. They don't want to, so I put on a device that they said would work and I, you know, they chum the water and I jumped in.

Hey, if you guys are laughing at me, does that mean I get in? Because I'll keep telling the story. Nothing you can do to me will be worse than what the fuck happened to me down there, man. All right, anyway, several have been tested and shown some success with certain sharks. Oh, Jesus. But I'm not aware of any, this is what one of the scientists is saying, Dr. Nick Whitney. But I'm not aware of any that have shown to be consistently effective with multiple species

in multiple situations, multiple situations. Jesus, there's a lot in that little statement, huh? Multiple situations. I don't know. Bleeding profusely as opposed to paddling on a wakeboard. There's a lot of situations falling overboard on a cruise ship. Oh my God, the ultimate nightmare. You just weigh out in the middle of nowhere and there's just nothing.

There's nothing out there. There's nothing to eat. This is when you're on, well, when you're fucking driving, you know, the 70 or the 80, East or West, when you're going through Nebraska or Kansas, and you're just like, next stop, 28 fucking miles. It's like whatever they got to eat is a fucking Slim Jim or some goddamn fucking mom and poplates. You're going to stop. You might discover a species that never ate.

Oh my God. Oh, Jesus. If I ever go on another cruise ship ever, I'm going to have a fucking cyanide pill. Cyanide fucking pill. Oh, you mean the worst if you fell overboard and it fell out of your pocket. Where is it? I just started drinking seawater until I went crazy. Fuck.

All right, let's get off this subject. Anyway, I was excited. I thought it worked. Let's get back to the drugged up guy who approached me after the show. Shall we, people? Let's get back to the drugged up guy. So I did the supernova show, great fucking show, great people, people who run the show. They know what the fuck they're doing.

It's just, it's awesome, right? So I go down there. I do the show. I went on last after the great Jeff Ross. So I fucking run out of there because the crowd's coming out and where I parked my car was right where the crowd was coming out. So I couldn't like run over anybody because, you know, I know what the headlines going to be the next day. It's going to have the comedy and tragedy fucking picture. First he makes you laugh, then he runs you over.

So I'm sitting in my car. Nobody can see me. It's nighttime, but this guy's on coke. So they have like fucking Terminator vision. I use that, Akana. He fucking comes up to my goddamn car. He's like, hey, Bill, hey, Bill, Bill. I'm ignoring him.

So I'm like, well, if I just let him keep yelling, people are going to see me and then I'm going to track more of this. Because all nice people are just going to be like, well, I don't want to bug him. That's what makes him nice. Bill! Right? So I just go, I go, what? He goes, hey, man. And he had like a fucking, I don't know if it was a Hawaiian shirt.

It was some crazy pattern shirt, cargo shorts. He's on his cell phone and he's sweating. So I'm like, this isn't going to be good. I go, what? And he goes, he goes, hey, I'm on Fox like five times a week. He goes, you want to buy gold? You're interested in buying gold? It's in a parking lot.

I just go, no. He's like, all right, man. All right. He just walks away and I put the fucking window up and I'm like, why was he sweating so much? I'm like putting it together. You mean somebody come up to you sweaty saying, I sell gold? It's like, dude, you look like you stole it. You sell it, what?

In a parking lot? Did you rob some fucking old people after you killed them? What do we do? What are we doing here? So finally there's a break in the crowd and I inch my way up. Not because I'm courteous. I don't want to get sued. So I inch my way out and I'm fucking driving out of the parking lot.

And of course, you know, the thing about crazy people is there's always a sequel. You never just, you're never rid of them. They're coming back again. Right? So I'm pulling out of the parking lot and there he is pacing back and forth right on the exit on his fucking phone. And what's hilarious is there's a person trying to drive into the parking lot and he walks perpendicular right in front of their car. He never looks at him as he's on the phone and just holds his hand out like he's a fucking traffic cop telling him to stop. So he's on his phone.

So for half a second, I have hope that he's not going to see me again. I'm like, but he's gonna because he's crazy and he's fucking coked up. He's got the terminator vision. So of course, as I'm pulling out, he's then fucking, he sees me. I just, I just, Bill, hey, Bill, Bill. He goes, I just made a half a million dollars since something like that. She's made a half a million. Bill.

And I just look over and I just go, shut up. I drove away. And because I let go of a lot of anger, I was only annoyed till about halfway down the block, which is really great progress for me. I just started laughing, just going like, am I really going to let this guy ruin my night? I'm on my way over to the comedy store, my favorite place to perform in the fucking world. And I, you know, I'm driving and I just drove over there and I just, I don't know, I just kind of let the whole fucking thing go. But you know, you guys listen every week. I got to share the story with you.

Just made a half a million dollars. How fucking hilarious is that? Shout out to Fox News because I trash CNN. All of a sudden they carry it. I didn't even listen to it. They left out the part where I fucking said that, you know, both CNN and Fox News should be broken up and they should go back to rules of media ownership. So Americans will stop screaming at each other and we can actually fucking hang out. So you don't have to do blow and try to sell coke in a parking lot of a fucking comedy show.

Anyway, I've been having a great time doing spots all over the city, just having a fucking great time. I'm getting along with my wife better than I have in a long time because I've fucking worked on myself. And what you know is a fucking huge thing. We were like hanging out today. We're fucking laughing just like the old days, you know, even though we used to fight back then. It was just a lot easier. Things are more relaxed when you don't have a piece of paper legally that says, you know, somebody takes half your shit or whatever. You just made a person with the other person.

There's a lot of extra stress. You're just like, fuck, I am in this now. Remember that great Louis CK bit? You know, fuck, I could have left. You know, not that I think that. I love my wife to death. But anyways, we've been getting along great. I've been crushing it at the gym.

And more importantly, at the fucking breakfast table, the lunch table, the dinner table and the snack table. There's a lot of tables during the day. All right. For those of you who haven't been listening, listening for the past couple of weeks. Oh, Billy went off the fucking rails in June. All right. There's three family birthdays. There's Father's Day and I ate at least one and three quarter triple layer chocolate cakes myself.

And I was up to a buck 90. It said 189 points something, but I weighed myself after the gym. So I was like 190, 190. I don't know what the fuck I was. I don't even want to know what I was, but I've just been just doing what I need to do. Proteins, veggie, water. I had one root beer, first root beer I've had all month. Don't eat after six, work out and cardio.

Lifting weights, cardio. Cardio burns fat. No. Yes, it does. I am down to 181.2 as of today. I'm dropping like three pounds a fucking week, crushing it, crushing it. And so next week I'm shooting for 178. Following week 175.

Then I'll be back down to 172 and I'll be in shape again. That's how it is. That's how it works. Okay. And then I go back to Boston and what sucks is I'll probably put eight pounds on in a fucking week. Because if you think I'm going back there and I'm not hitting all my old food spots, like I used to, you're out of your fucking mind. I'm going back there.

I'm getting the bar pizza I love. I'm getting that fucking amazing Chinese food. What else am I getting? There's a couple of sandwich places. I'm hitting the fucking north end. I'm going to do some damage. All right. It'll probably put me two weeks behind.

But the bottom line is by the end of September, I'm going to be like where I need to be as I'm torn. So my button down, my fitted button down shirts. You got to get the fitted button down. Okay. So when the button on your shirt starts looking like it's doing the iron cross, trying to hold both fucking sides of the shirt together, you know you need to, you got to drop a few. So I've been crushing that, you know, my shoulder feels good.

I got my, you know, it's funny, my wife showed me this picture of me doing 40, 48 pushups on my 47th birthday and I looked at my form. It was fucking horrible. And I just saw this thing that was shown where your hands should be. They should be back a little bit, not like to the side. And it said, this right here works your chest. In close works your triceps. This right here gets you injured.

And that's how I did pushups my whole fucking life. I was like, wow. So I thought it was the pull ups it was. I think it might have been the pushups and just bad form. And other things just lifting like a kid from his 80s where it was all about what you benched. It was always bench day and fucking buys and tries. And you never really did your back. And even when you did your back, you didn't know how to do it.

So your front got way more fucking stronger than your back. And then your shoulders went forward and then your bad form on the pushup. And then there you go. So I've been doing the good form, been doing the pull downs and all of that shit. Like my back, the muscle group that I'm working is actually burning now. So I know I'm doing it right. It's a good burn, man. And with that, I waited too long to say this.

How about those Milwaukee bucks down two games to none against the mighty Phoenix sons? Who I got to tell you that Devon Booker kid. The level of just fucking shots that these kids can hit nowadays nowadays. There's that fucking white kid on Miami. Uh, there's obviously, I'm so bad with the names. I'm fucking old. I'm sorry. The fucking, the kid on golden state.

How do you not know his name? Nike didn't know his name. Did they? They lost that fucking, uh, Steph Curry. Like now when I go back and watch Larry Bird shots, his greatest shots of his career, it's like Devon Booker hits one of those one or two a half. They're fucking unbelievable. And I'm so enjoying, this is the NBA that I remembered.

These are like teams, not these pile on fucking, let's all fucking get on a yacht and decide we're going to fucking play together, bullshit fucking, uh, um, you know, make a wish championships. This is like feels like the old fucking days because this series isn't over. I don't think it's fucking over. I think that, you know, I mean, the sons, I don't know, I don't know enough about hoop. What the fuck Milwaukee, the adjustments that they made, but they won three fucking games in a row. And, uh, I watched all the game five. I'm all the game four, all the game five.

I missed the first two games. I've kind of every game I've watched Milwaukee has won. Um, and, uh, Yanis Antetokampo, I hope I said it right, Chris Middleton in holiday. I forget what the line was, but it was just like 35, 27 and 24 or something. They're spreading it around, uh, Middleton with that. I was at Middleton with a holiday holiday with the steel, the alley to Yanis. And it's just like, I was so psyched for Yanis on game four. When Oscar Robinson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar show up, I mean, that's would be like me doing standup.

If Carlin and Pryor were still alive and they showed up. So I guess living now that would be like Eddie Murphy and, um, who else? I would say Sam Kinnison, if he was still alive, Bill Hicks, if he was still alive. Um, I don't know. I don't know. I'm at a loss, but I would just be like, I wonder if he's fucking nervous. And he played, he's played unbelievable in all three of these games. And he's leading them just like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar did 50 years ago.

Unbelievable, unbelievable series. I am a fan of the NBA again, cause this is the NBA that I remember. Um, absolutely loving it. So I'm all over game six and seven. God willing if there is one cause I want to see more basketball. And I gotta tell you, I started watching fucking soccer. You know, I watched that, that, uh, that tragedy that was the end of that fucking game. It just makes sense.

I mean, Shakespeare was over in fucking Europe, that that's the way you would decide a fucking championship. And I got to watch an 19 year old kid put his face in his shirt and start crying. Then all these racist morons say all this fucking shit. Do you realize how fucking cowardly that is? By the way, to say that shit online and to take it to that level. You're not a sports fan. You're a fucking asshole. So depressing to see that shit. But anyway, I started watching soccer.

And then the other day I was just like, you know, not, you know, just that weird time of the year with his just baseball. And I haven't gotten around to signing up to the, for the package. I still love baseball, but I watched a soccer game like San Antonio versus somebody else. And this is how fucked up technology is. All of a sudden I watched, I watched two soccer games last week. And now all of a sudden in my Instagram feed, I'm getting all these soccer highlights. It's like they're all talking to each other, man. And I'm kind of really into it now.

It only took two games. I don't know what happened. I guess what I'm saying is maybe the rest of the world is right. There's some game on tomorrow. Or was it today? I don't know when the fuck it's on. It's like Mexico versus El Salvador for, you know, for some champion. How do you not watch that? Getting sucked in, man. All right, let's do some reads here for the week.

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Cigar bar dreams. Hey, Bill. Chunky but funky BRRR. Oh, Jesus. I love the fat shaming. Keep it coming. Keep it coming. Keep it coming.

I'm writing over in England and heard on your previous podcast, your dream to own a cigar bar. I have this dream and think England doesn't have many low-key cigar bars other than the super posh places in London. Question is, what makes a good cigar bar? And what would you call yours? Well, I'm not going to give up the name. If I ever do, I will name a bourbon cocktail served in a large glass

called the oversized ginger. And your honor and your spelt honor run, you dumb fuck. Thanks for being you and go fuck yourself. Cheers. I call him a dumb fuck as I can't even read a number earlier in the podcast. What makes a good cigar bar? Well, obviously the selection, the location, it's got to be easy to park. The selection of cigars has to be fucking top notch.

Also, if there's a chance to get, I don't know, booze, booze becomes a whole other thing. I wouldn't say booze because then you get drunks there. I never really noticed that. You go to a cigar bar, everybody's just sort of chilling. It's got to have a chill vibe. You got to have nice comfortable seats. Your staff has to be like knowledgeable of the cigars and they got to be cleaning out the ashtrays quickly. All right.

You got to have some sort of fucking those cigar bar games that they have. What are they? I never played them. What's the one where you roll the dice and you move in those checkers? Maybe some games like that. And then a nice fridge where you sell some soda pop. Like I like the real shit, the Fanta with the Mexican Fanta and the Mexican Coke that has the real fucking sugar in it. And root beer, bottled waters, something there for the ladies.

Just a nice chill. You got the game on. You got to have the flat screens. I'm not going to tell you anything you don't know. Indoor, outdoor options. And then the location, man. If there's a good place to get something, you know, you strike up a good relationship with the people next door. People can order food and actually bring it in.

So a whole bunch of ways to go. I mean, I don't know. And don't play it loud. Don't make it loud and sexy because then douches are going to show up. And it's just going to have, you know, that W hotel vibe. You know that with the fucking beautiful people, you know, with the aquarium lighting. Don't have that. Have it be like a nice chill fucking place.

That's it. I really think so much of it beyond the cigar selection is the vibe. And if you go in there, you got a nice smoke eater. So everybody can smoke inside and you're not fucking sitting there, you know, like you're fighting a fire. You know, and then who knows, maybe you got some other options in the back, if you know what I mean. That maybe come from a particular place. Oh, Cuban cigars are legal where you're at, right? So you could have those right out in front.

I would say that. I would say that that would be it. I was kind of basic. I didn't really have anything interesting to say, did I? Yeah, because I don't want to give you my ideas. I got a whole fucking bunch of ideas for it. But that's the basics, I would say. And it seems if you live out in the middle of nowhere, I wouldn't want to make it posh, as you say, the W hotel type of vibe.

So you got to be like, you know, wearing cuff links and be super rich. You know, and that just really attracts asshole guys and loud douchey women who have never been told to shut the yaps. You don't want that. You know, you want those life or cigar bar guys to be coming in. All right, cable news. Dear Billy Network, who'd have thought I'd get so much fucking attention over one stupid comment. I'm a huge fan of yours and have seen you live at least a half a dozen times in the last 15 years. Well, thank you.

Appreciate that. Are you talking about cable news and how evil it is all the time? I worked at two of the major three cable net news networks. We got an insider here. And I just want to tell you that you are correct. Yes. How often do you hear that? You are correct, sir.

I entered the news industry as a naive journalist who thought news was news, but soon came to realize that it's all selective coverage. Yeah, that's why when you talk to people who listen to Fox News and people listen to CNN, it's like they're living in two different countries. Really interesting stories with dynamics and huge world implication. Hey, look who's here. Did you bring my baby boy out here to say good night to? Yes. Oh, he's making his first appearance on the podcast. Oh my God, he's so heavy.

Huh? It's because he's jacked. How are you, buddy? How are you doing? You just looking around? Has he even been in here before? I don't think so. That's why he's looking around. Say hello to the people.

There you go. He thinks, can you say ball? Ball? Can you say ball? Are you getting all shy like the frog on the Bugs Bunny show? Alright, I love you, buddy. I'll see you in the morning, okay? Say bye-bye.

Bye-bye. You say bye-bye? Can you say bye-bye? No, this is too many new interesting things to look at in here. Bye-bye. You say bye-bye? Bye-bye, dad-dad. Huh?

He'll do it as we're walking out. I know, he will. Alright. What a cutie. Alright, sweetie, I'll see you in a minute, alright? I'm wrapping up. I'm on the second half here. Anyway, I say agenda without a...

Let me go back here so I get... Really interesting stories with dynamics and huge world implications couldn't be further from their agenda. I say agenda without exaggeration. Yeah, I mean, it's basically the vision of the guy that owns the news network. You know, which media has always been that way. That's why you need rules limiting the ownership and the influence. I mean, you had half the country thinking that COVID wasn't real.

The other half saying it was real. I mean, nobody could get on the same fucking... It was still not on the same page because of these two cunts that own these networks, I think. I'm probably oversimplifying it. I know there's other problems, but... Alright, here we go. It's very clear what the goal is every day.

It's not about letting the public know what's going on. It's about publishing the public to back one or of two sides. You can imagine how frustrating it is reading the news, but imagine being on the inside and seeing how hopeless it is. Yeah, that sounds depressing. Needless to say, I left the world and started my own business a year ago. Thanks for the free podcast. Go fuck yourselves. Now, I want to ask the people that actually watch CNN and Fox News.

Alright, did this mean anything to you? I mean, this person could have made that up. Who knows if they worked there or not, but does it give you a pause? I'll tell you, I was at the gym and they had CNN on, and I had almost a panic attack within fucking five minutes of looking at it. I'm like, dude, I come here to feel good. They just scream in fire in a crowded movie theater every fucking two seconds. Anyway, naming names. Yo, Billy Bond.

You've had a don't name names policy for a while now. You leave names out of stories all the time. I was wondering if you were to name the people you complain about, how much would that affect your career? I have to believe not so much, aside from a few less invites to a shitty panel show that you're already not doing. Thanks and fuck off yourself. No, just in general.

A lot of times when I tell stories, like, you know, something crazy happened, I feel like, you know, you need consent. So I change where it happened and, you know, what, you know, not what happened, but where it happened or whatever. But why is my fucking, my fucking computer screen is blinking like an old TV all of a sudden? Not Jesus, just because I'm trashing fucking social, not social media, major news channels. Yeah, I just don't, I don't do that shit.

Listen, I knew that you guys are now, you guys are like the fucking rat generation. Everybody's just trying to rat everybody out and end their ability to make money and all of this shit. I don't want to fucking do that to anybody. You know what I mean? Somebody's really doing something bad. I feel like the cops are going to show up. There's lawyers, there's other ways of doing it. There's a whole fucking real system that exists outside of social media. I would, you know, my shit is like, if I got a problem with somebody, I go to them and I fucking work it out.

If it's at another level, I'd go to the cops, but I'm not going to fucking be, you know, telling stories of shit that I've done with people that, you know, might make them look in a certain way. And also when I comment on people saying shit on social media, I don't become part of the problem and say their fucking names. I don't understand chiming in on a fucking story when I wasn't there. And somebody's livelihood is at stake. I get if you were there and you tried to go to some authorities and nobody fucking listened, then I get it.

But, you know, if I wasn't there, I'm not going to fucking weigh in on either side. I think that makes sense, doesn't it? Why is my screen fucking blinking out, Jesus? Okay, England's so-called fans. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Here we go. Somebody's going to shoot one across the bow here. Hey, Billy Belly bulge. Oh, you motherfucker, it's so true. England is a shit country with shit fans. All right, this sounds like it's fucking open-minded.

How many ways did England fans act like complete asshole hooligans? It's hard to keep track. Here's a few. Well, I did see them when they were fucking beaten on those poor Italian fans just coming in to watch a game. Buying opposing teams national anthem. They did do that. Laser pointers at the opposing goalie. I didn't know they did that. Oh, wow.

Crashing the gate at Wembley. Yeah, what is with that? I got to tell you, England, this is what happens when your cops don't have guns. Beating up at the Italian fans before and after the game. Yeah, that's so fucking weak. Fucking 10 on one. The fuck are you doing? Tearing apart fan zones throughout London.

I don't even know what that means. Smashing bottles, destroying property, ripping up trees. What did the fucking tree do? Breaking into the National Gallery. I don't even know what that is. The disgusting racist remarks towards their own players. Congratulations and go Italy and England. Go fuck yourself.

This little gem of a pick is what this place is like in a nutshell. Yeah, it's somebody with a fucking firework shooting it out of his asshole. Well, I mean, I don't think all English fans are like that. I also don't think everybody in Italy is the same way in America. We all have our issues and then individually, we all have our issues. You know, some days you wear the white hat, some days you wear the black hat, some days you're a good person, some days you're a fucking asshole. As long as you're working on yourself and you own up to your mistakes, you apologize.

I mean, I think that's how an adult behaves. I just don't understand doing any of that. Why would you go destroy your own city? Why would you boo an opposing team's national anthem? Why would you want to win because you're doing the laser pointer thing? Why would you do that shit? God, that's because you're a fucking animal. Yeah, I can't argue with any of that stuff, but I would be...

Wouldn't you say that most sports, what would you say, fan bases have those types of people? You know what I mean? As a Boston fan, I know we do. We absolutely do. It's fucking disgusting. And then, of course, that's what they show on the fucking news. So I know you're going after the morons. I don't think...

I would be willing to say 90% of soccer fans in England aren't like that. It's just the select few. I mean, that's a great way to fucking clear people out of your population. You have your team lose a major championship on a penalty kick, and then you just wait for that reaction, and then you just wipe out all of those people. And everybody who stayed home and didn't write anything bad, Jesus Christ, Bill, what are you going to Hitler on this here? You're going to decide who you're going to fucking...

You're coming up with your own final solution for sports? I don't know what I'm doing here. Whatever, this is what happens when you talk to yourself too long. All right, Mexican stereotype. Hey, Billy Bob, Borton. Borton, oh, look, I'm boring you. You motherfucker. I'm a 29-year-old Mexican-American tax accountant from San Diego.

Oh, you live it in God's country. San Diego, that's like LA without the traffic. It's super chill. I love San Diego. And your podcast helps me plow through the endless amount of Excel spreadsheets, book to tax, reconciliation, and procrastinating clients that wait until the last week of tax season to provide their documentation. Isn't that something that they just dumped in dirty dishwater in your lap?

You're a saint, wreaking havoc to my mental sanity time and time again. But I digress. So I recently went to a friend's birthday reunion where she also invited a few people that I had not had the pleasure of meeting before. Everything was going nice and dandy. Went out in a fucking blue. A mildly drunk blonde lady, he said dame,

or a lady approached the table and sat next to me to engage in a seemingly polite conversation. Uh-oh. Yeah, what could go wrong here? You're in San Diego with some beautiful blondes talking to you. You're being chill. You're not bringing any negative energy towards yourself. What could happen?

We discussed what we did for a living, backgrounds, and all that basic stuff. As we were talking, she began inching closer. Little by little, reaching the point where she casually rested her palm on my leg as we were sitting talking. As she got closer and closer, I sensed the pudgent whiff of tequila and vodka that they were passing around to then realize that she was pretty much hammered. When arriving to this realization, I quickly disengaged and moved over to some other friend's table.

Well, aren't you a gentleman? As the night went up forward, look at this, you did the right thing. You were raised right. As the night went forward, one of my friends dropped a bowl full of chips, and I quickly reached over for a broom to help clean up the mess, and oh no, and out of nowhere, the drunk blonde chick appeared from behind and aggressively took the broom off of my hands and then yelled, oh no, I will not keep alive the Mexican cleaning guy stereotype.

Let me take care of it. Oh God. Oh my God. As soon as the words came out of her mouth, everyone in the room went silent, and I was the only one laughing. I actually thought it was funny. I can see why there's a white person, it's embarrassing. The moment she left the party, numerous people approached me and apologized for her comment

when I truly did not see what was the big deal. Up to the point, you know, it's white guilt. It's white guilt because all of them probably had Mexican people doing something over their house as they act like they're good parents. I truly did not see what the big deal was up to the point where all of these people made me question myself if I should have been offended or not. No, that's up to you. That's up to you, but you got to understand the way the world is now.

We're all just like, ah, not the woke douche. And you're also an accountant, and she's coming over just being like, why should the Mexican guy sweep up? Yeah, I can see why people weren't comfortable. I believe we should all be able to dish it and take it at the same time. People nowadays find offense whenever being the butt end of a joke. Is this one of those situations, or was that not cool to say? Well, if you thought it was fine, then I guess it's fine,

but it's also not a level playing field, so, you know, I don't know. I really feel like as a white person, no matter how you react in that situation, you're going to be wrong, like, how could you just let her say that? Or then why did you feel the need to apologize? Looking forward to your take on this. Thanks, and go fornicate yourself. I'll be honest with you. Back in the day, when I grew up, that is something that you would say,

and everyone would fuck it. People would have said worse than that. I'm not saying racial slurs, but the jokes would have been way more fucking the way it used to be. I'd say a nice Archie Bunker type of thing. I still love jokes like that, but when you get into a public place and everybody has cameras, and everybody's just waiting to film somebody saying something fucked up.

But no, I don't think your reaction is your reaction, so I don't know what to tell you on that. I thought you were going to be like, I thought you were going to get upset, so I think I'm part of those. I mean, there's no fucking way I would have gone up to you and apologized for. I mean, I probably yelled something at her. Go home, you fucking drunk. I would have said something like that.

But, you know, there's a big pressure right now to be a white person and pretend like you care. That's all it is. And that's like minimal work. You know, those white people could actually be down at the border protesting why those children are in cages, and they could just go up to you and be like, oh my God, my heart breaks for what she just said to you.

I did my good white person thing for the day and they could walk away. I don't fucking know. I don't live in that world, sir. So I don't know what to fucking tell you. All I can tell you is I wish people brought you their tax shit, you know, not on April 13th or whatever the fuck it is that they do. You know, rip the fucking Band-Aid off. Just bring it to them in February and in March.

They'll get it done. You're going to know what way you stand with Uncle Sam and the bankers that fucking make him walk the block like a fucking old prostitute. There you go. Underrated, overrated, underrated. Getting your taxes in and done. And just letting them take a bite out of your ass or get your fucking refund, whatever the fuck you have coming to you.

Getting that out of the way as opposed to just waiting to the last second. It's definitely underrated. All right. Well, that is the podcast, everybody. I want to thank all you guys for listening as always. As always, go fuck yourselves. I want to thank you guys for the fat shaming. I love it.

I guess this is where I can bond with this Mexican American guy here. You know, where some people would find it offensive. I fucking love it and I find it motivating. So keep the fat shaming coming. But I tell you, you only got a couple weeks left. Okay? Because I looked at my body mass index and it said when I get down to 173, I will just be in shape.

You know, for some reason at my height, you can be 129 to 173. I don't know what kind of bird bones you have, or if you're running behind the dumpster every five fucking seconds, chewing and spitting, whatever the fuck it is you're doing. I don't know how you get down to 129. That might be for like women, you know, certain wavy women. Well, how come you can be 173 to woman kids? I'm not saying that.

Abigail, I'm not saying that. I don't give a fuck to your fucking butt. Do whatever the whatever weight you think you look good at. Do that. I don't give a shit. It's not up to me to make you feel good. Go fuck yourself. I'm yelling at somebody who isn't even there right now.

All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check on Thursday.