Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-2-18

Episode Date: July 4, 2018

Bill rambles about College,  Stand Up, and white guys on bicycles.

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living, they are really everywhere to ride the empty boat. But now we are going to the finish, bring them to a Bebath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. How are you? Hey, as you can tell, all freckles is under the weather.

Yeah, I tried to do too much when I was on the road. I'm just an old guy now, and I ended up catching a cold like it was the middle of fucking winter. I flew into Minneapolis the day of the show. I used to fly in the night before, but now I got the kiddo. Miss is a little bit of, you know, heard whatever day is possible, so I flew out the day of, then I landed. And I've learned this lesson 50 fucking times, and every time I've gotten sick, I landed. I was a little tired, you know, because I had to get up early to get there on time, and I went right to the gym. Stupid fucking move.

Then I had to do two shows, and then I hung out with Verzi and fucking Bartnick. But I slept in the next day, and the next day I woke up, I kind of felt rundown. But I was like, no, man, I hit the gym again, I hit the gym again, fucking moron. Then I take a steam, then I go on fucking stage, have one show, it's the end of the night. I absolutely love Bartnick and Verzi, and hey, let's go out again. So we go out again, and this time we were at an outside bar up on this rooftop in this really cool, you know, place in, you know, downtown Minneapolis. And I had a hat on, but it wasn't enough. And I could tell when I was, you know, when a cold just gets you, you know, I'm feeling a little bit and then just getting you like, ah, fuck, here we go.

And I didn't have any vitamins, that's another thing, I forgot my vitamins, all of that dumb shit. So, I don't know, so I apologize for being so frigging late here. But however, I want to thank everybody. It was one of the most fun weekends I've had as far as crowds, and just what I got to see in Minneapolis and Detroit. Minneapolis, first of all, did a theater there on the campus of the Big Ten University of Minnesota. Now, I was joking with the people there, whenever I go, you know, to a great campus like that, my first thought, this is for all you young kids out there. I always think to myself, man, I wish I studied in high school. I wish I tried.

This is fucking amazing. Then we drove by, there was like a frat house, and there was like ten frat guys sitting in a circle playing some drinking game outside this amazing fraternity. You know, and I know everybody makes fun of them, saying they're a bunch of date rapists and then this and then that and all this shit. But at the end of the day, who's making the robots that are going to kill all of us? Huh? It's the nerds. So, we's up on the frat boys. They're not all rapists.

You know, some of them just leer. So anyways, and I couldn't believe how fucking beautiful, beautiful the University of Minnesota's campus is. And I was saying on stage, this is what a fucking moron I am. I, you know, without ever seeing a campus, I judge what it looks like by how your sports teams are doing. If you haven't won a Big Ten championship or an SEC championship in a long time, I just figured your school's a dump and it doesn't look good. I mean, I learned that with Vanderbilt. You know, Vanderbilt's never like, you know, I think maybe in baseball they're good, but they never do anything in football, never do anything in hoop. So I'm just like, ah, that's like almost a community college.

Then Nate Borgazzi told me, he was a big fan of theirs. I was like, no, dude, that's like, it's one of the best schools in the country. Some of the smartest, like this engineering fucking egghead school, right? But I went up to University of Minnesota. It's like all fucking brick. I mean, what I saw of it was, was incredible. And I always had that thought, like, why didn't I study? It wasn't that hard.

I was such a fucking pussy. I was such a baby couple thought, I don't like this subject and just, yeah, just get through it. You know what I mean? I didn't like doing hell rooms either, but I had to do them to get to do a fucking gig at University of Minnesota. I stuck with that, right? Hang on. Sorry. Forgive me.

Sorry. It's going to be a lot of that. I'll hit pause next time. You know, look, some of the math I get, you know, because I got to be honest with you. Like I was cool right up until algebra. If I wasn't such a fucking class clown and a jerk off, I wouldn't have to go to summer school after algebra because it wasn't that bad. If I applied myself. Geometry, I don't even know what, I don't even know what the fuck was going on.

It was like these conspiracy theories about shapes. Not conspiracy, they were proven. Like the NBA's fix was proven when they had that mobbed up ref. And of course they blame it on one guy. They always blame it on one guy. I don't know how long people will sit there and watch the NBA. I'm not saying all the games are fixed. I'm just saying no other sport is it finessed the way that sport is finessed to make sure they have these matchups that are going to get ratings.

And it all goes back to fucking Larry Bird and Magic Johnson. I'm convinced of it. They're still fucking terrified because they almost went out of business in the late 70s or ratings were weighed down. You know, but they all do it like they're in the steroid era. You think the fucking owners and baseball like they didn't know what the players were doing. Baseball was in a bad way. They canceled the World Series. Cal Ripken breaking Lou Gehrig's record was all they fucking had.

They juice up the ball. They make the ballpark smaller. These fucking guys are going up there looking like the dad and the Incredibles. You know fucking skinny legs and giant upper bodies just driving shit over the out of the frigging ballpark. They knew what was going on. And then all of a sudden the shit hits the fan and not one owner got asked a question. They were, oh, I had no idea. You had no idea.

You're in the business. Right. I do stand up comedy. I know who some of the up and coming funny people are. I hear who's stealing jokes. I hear who's going to be the next fucking whatever. I hear who's maybe fucking partying too much. You're in it.

You know, it's what you do. Fucking lumberjacks. They know who's jerking off behind a redwood. I mean, they're in the fucking business. So baseball was finessed that way, I believe. Right. Football. What they did was they just, you know, they weren't satisfied with their fan base and they just kept every fucking rule ended up being for the offense.

To the point it was borderline illegal to, you know, to fucking cover a receiver. Now everybody's out there putting up Dan Marino numbers, which is fucking ridiculous. Dan Marino, Dan Fowl. So those guys played back when you could borderline murder somebody, stick them in all of that shit. I remember one year that year drew breeze. I can't forget what he threw for, but it was just like, there was like seven people on pace to break Dan Marino's record. Maybe not seven. It was probably four in one season.

So it's finessed that fucking way. Right. Hockey. I just, I don't know what they're doing. They just, they finally got it right. They finally got it right with Nashville and Vegas. And now they're going to Seattle. I think they're finally going to take a turn.

And my only concern is that it's going to become immensely popular, which is really a pipe dream. But if it becomes immensely, the reason why hockey is still fucking great is because it is sort of the Jan Brady, the middle kid, like nobody's fucking paying attention to it. So you meet the players. They're all cool. They're fucking down to earth. You know what I mean? I don't know. Sorry.

I haven't even taken any cold medication. This is just literally my intellect. So I can't blame anything here. But basketball, I swear to God, like the Celtics are coming on, right? And the Lakers suck. And I remember thinking as a fan, this sucks. We're going to be good and they suck. It's like if the Red Sox are good and the Yankees suck a vice versa.

It's not fun. Right? And all of a sudden LeBron is going to move and where does he go to the fucking Lakers? And next year there's going to be a bunch of free agents and the Lakers will stock up. And again, we're going to go into the finals. It's going to be fucking Lakers Celtics. You know, if anybody can get past that juggernaut of Golden State, but like, I don't know, I think it's all, it's definitely finessed. Like a boxing promoter putting together matches.

Like the fact that they let Kevin Durant go to the Golden State Warriors in the last two seasons have been an absolute fucking snooze fest. It's like, you knew they were going to win it the second he went there and they did. You knew they were going to go back to back and they did. You know, what they're doing in Golden State is like what the fucking Yankees did in the early 2000s. And the height of them buying championships was when they got fucking a rod. Anything post-1998 because I love that Yankee team. I don't love the Yankees, but I love that team. But 99, 2000, the Clemens, all of that bullshit was all those pile on fucking championships.

And then the Red Sox were like, well, what the fuck? You know, we're in the middle of a 90 year drought, 86 year drought here. This is the game. We got to play this game. And this is the thing. We haven't stopped playing that fucking game. I mean, nobody could be as bad as the fucking Yankees. I mean, remember when they had fucking Giambi and A-Rod and Jeter and their fucking infield.

It was ridiculous. They had two of the best short stops in the league in their infield. One agreeing to play third base. It was fucking nuts. Yeah, I mean, whatever. So anyways, so LeBron is the Laker and I guess I'm going to get my wish that they're going to be in the finals. Hopefully against us. I mean, that's who I want to play and beat.

And I like our coach better, you know, I know that they're going to go out and get a zillion guys because everybody in the NBA wants to play in LA. Not because, you know, partially because they love the Lakers, but who doesn't want to fuck a famous broad, right? Who doesn't want fucking 75, 80 degree weather year round? I've said this forever. What do you want to do? Go to Boston, racist Boston and deal with the winter and fucking sixes and sevens. Or do you want to come to racist LA bang supermodels and go to the beach whenever the fuck you want 12 months of the year? We can't compete with it.

I mean, the uniform literally looks like sunshine. Hey, speaking of that, when I was in Minneapolis, I went by that fucking Aubury. I look like an old fucking like hockey stadium. And I would have thought it was the North Star's old place. Had I not known that it used to, it's where the Mall of America is now. That wasn't a fucking red flag. Yeah, we're getting rid of the hockey team and we're putting the biggest fucking mall ever. I still don't understand how that fucking thing stays open.

You know, how do you fucking? You know what the Mall of America is like? It's like having a TV show now. It's just so many of them. I would tell you a time I was talking to another comedian and I told her how much I liked her show and she was saying thanks. And we were talking for five minutes before she realized I was talking about another show that she had that just got canceled. And she was talking about a different TV show that I didn't even know. She had two television shows and I had no fucking idea.

Anyways, so I went by the Armory thing there and I saw Jennifer Lopez play there during the Super Bowl. I guess they redid it. But the coolest fucking thing ever about that venue is that's where the Minneapolis Lakers with George Mike and won their first four NBA championships and that BAA championship that the Lakers still call an NBA championship, which is fucking hilarious. They somehow won one, all right, before the NBA existed. But anyways, I really wanted to go in there and take a fucking tour of it. So there we go. I know a lot of you guys are expecting me to flip out that fucking LeBron went to. I don't give a shit.

I like who? Oh, thank you. How are you? Lovely Nia? Thumbs up? Are you a nothing? Feel a little run down. You feel run down?

I didn't give it to you, did I? I didn't get you sick, did I? I don't know. I don't think so. I just feel run down. All right. Okay. Okay.

Bye. Yeah, my wife was sick too, you know, I was also sick, but you know, my wife was also kind of sick, but I was really sick. So you know what was going to happen, right? She's going to sleep in and I'm going to handle the kid. That's just how it works. It's how it where you want to keep peace in the house. That's how it works.

You just fucking your baby, the shit out of them, you know, and I would love to see that I'll be able to remember that for the next argument. So I can be like, Oh, what a fucking time I was sicker than you and I didn't fucking watch your daughter for the whole month. I won't remember it. I don't have that ability. You know, you fucking with a woman that like fucking Matlock, you know, you can fucking start pulling.

I never even watched that show. You know, but I imagine he was pulling up fucking cases from the past. I have no idea. You know what he did last night? I was on that. I couldn't sleep. I was on the internet there and I was watching all this shit on Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, just how big and how famous they got and everything.

And after they broke up, Dean Martin in about 1958 got in the restaurant business and he opened up Dino's Lodge, which was basically just west of La Cienega on Sunset just south. Now this is giant fucking complex there, but it's long gone. I mean, they knocked it down in the 80s, but he got involved in there. They put his big head there, Dino's Lounge and he went down there and it was a really hip place to go to at first late fifties. I mean, Dean's Dean and he would actually go down there, you know, get in a restaurant going, star struck patrons.

He signed an autographs and all that shit. And do you know, like fucking two, three, later is Jerry Lewis opened a competing restaurant down the street. This is how bad it got. He opened a competing one and then stole Dean Martin's business partner to open that one. And then he had an even bigger picture of himself on the restaurant and it was on a pole like a hundred feet in the air and it wasn't stationary. It was revolving.

So I guess Dean ended up saying, I mean, fuck this shit. And he got it because he's cool. He said, fuck this, he got out of the restaurant business. And then he had to sue them to get his name taken off and the image and he couldn't get it taken off. And his face stayed on that restaurant until like the fucking eighties. Like I said, when they finally fucking took it down, but anyways, I just can't imagine that it got that bad, which of course led to me to the 1976 reunion that they had on

the Jerry Lewis telethon when Jerry had no idea Dean was coming out and Frank brought him out. That was cool. Watch him hugging all of that shit. You know what I mean? It's stupid fucking falling out stuff. But I just thought it was funny at the height, at the fucking height of them hating each other.

They had competing fucking restaurants. How not two comedians? You know, I just picture him action like De Niro and Casino counting the fucking blueberries in the muffin freaking out doing that crazy Jerry Lewis voice saying how Dino has more blueberries in his muffin and this is fucking unacceptable. Anyways, plowing ahead here, oh, Billy is fucking gonna hang around the house here and get over this shit. I actually feel a thousand times better than I felt yesterday.

I just need to walk around. It's that weird thing, you know, when you get sick, where you're supposed to lay around and relax and, you know, eats, you know, why is it eats soup? You know what I mean? You slurp it, right? It's one of those hybrid things. It's almost a gas. It's not a liquid.

It's not a solid, you know, it is a liquid and it's a solid. That's what it is. It's like a super group of food. No, it isn't bill. It's like cereal. If you heated it up, what do you put that, you know, you know, I saw when I was on the road, I actually saw Pringles potato chips and they had dill flavor and I love fucking dill pickles and I love Pringles potato chips.

And those two came together and I couldn't get myself to do it because it just it was coming across like it was going to be like a super group, you know, like, what if we took fucking Robert plant and fucking stuck him with Keith moon, remember they would do shit like that and then it's just, and then it just never sounded good because the vibe wasn't there. I'm just so worried that that's what it's going to be and on some level, like, you know, it's going to ruin my enjoyment of original Pringles and, uh, and dill pickles. You know what I love about Pringles?

They taste delicious and I'm a bit of a neat freak, although my office is a fucking mess right now. You know, I hate fucking dishes in the sink the next morning. It like depresses me. I fucking knock them out. Yeah. I'm basically an incredible father and husband is what I'm telling you. That's my version of it.

That's my version of the story. Eventually we'll have Nia on here when she's feeling better and then she'll probably tell you the truth. I'm a fucking asshole over there. Did anybody watch the fucking Austrian formula one race? That is my favorite fucking formula one race that I've been, that I've ever watched and I've only watched since Monaco 2016 and I've missed a few here or there. Absolutely loved that fucking race of a huge fan of Max Verstappen.

I feel like he's the next guy. Him and Daniel Ricardo, right? And Daniel Ricardo is going to fucking leave Red Bull. I don't know where he's going to go Ferrari. I don't know if there's room in the Mercedes team. I have no fucking idea, but it was just like the top two guys. What's his face? Max Verstappen and Kimmy Rakin and they're fucking hilarious.

Their press conferences are hilarious. They're after they just they don't give a shit. You know, they just they have like that comics comic vibe about him. Like I know when I was talking about the last time Sebastian Vettel had banged into a couple people and Max Verstappen during the after the press conference, he goes, you guys should tell him he should change his style of driving, you know, because they had said that to him and then to him Max earlier in the season, then he goes and then fucking Sebastian should continue to drive exactly the way he's driving because that I haven't changed anything.

And now you guys aren't shitting on me because I'm winning. By the way, and then the United States, the Haas team came in fifth and sixth. That's like our highest place ever. Was it fourth and fifth or fifth and sixth? It might have been fourth or fifth. I got to look it up here. I can't remember. But Mercedes though, oh my God, they had a fucking brutal day, a brutal day.

It sucks because I wanted, he always wanted to see like a close race at the end. But I got me I'm a little jaded with this sport where I was just, you know, after the first turn, which was, and it was a fucking incredible start to the race. And I remember when Lewis Hamilton got into first place after the first turn, I go, it's over. He's going to win it. He's going to win it. But the track was so fucking hot that tires started to blister.

Some bullshit happened. I don't know what in what's his face. No, we came in fourth and fifth. I don't know what happened. Somebody was going too fucking slow or something that caused Lewis Hamilton to have to slow down and then he got past and then he had to go into the fucking pits or so. He had to do one extra pit stop is what happened and that fucked him. But that guy is such a good driver.

Even in the end, the other guys tires were starting to blister up and he was, she was just right fucking there. And then all the drama went out when he fucking his car. Shit, the bed. And I believe Valtteri Botas had some sort of gearbox failure, but, um, and also what's his face, uh, um, Daniel Ricardo is his fucking car. Shit, the bed too. He's been having a rough go of it, but, uh, I just liked it because it just put different

people in the lead that I haven't seen. I know Max Verstappen is done well over the last few, um, but it was, it was just fun to watch all of that shit. Um, and then watch Lewis Hamilton having like the fastest lap of the race, trying to catch up like Bill Elliott back in the day in the star car races. And, uh, then unfortunately his car shit the bed, but here's the big thing was he was up 14 points, Lewis Hamilton over Sebastian Vettel. Vettel came in third and I believe you get 15 points and Lewis Hamilton got no points.

So now Vettel is leapfrogged past him and he's up one point, um, because I was hoping he wasn't going to slowly fucking pull away. I think they race again next week in Great Britain and then they might be on their break, their summer break and then they'll be neck and neck for the rest of the year. So far Ferrari can fucking hang in there. It should be exciting right through Brazil and on into November where they, what do they always end up? Is it Dubai?

I can't fucking remember. Um, so anyways, very fucking excited about that race. Uh, maybe it sucked, you know, then Mercedes got knocked out. This is also Daniel Ricardo, but it was just fun to see some new blood up there. And then, you know, watching Lewis Hamilton putting on a fucking show as he was dealing with the, with his tires literally falling apart. Um, anyways, when I was, uh, when I was in also, when I was in, uh, Minneapolis, I forgot to tell you, I was going to try a different place to get a juicy Lucy.

I went to Matt's bar and I got this fucking Uber driver, hilarious, this Indian guy. And there's a lot of construction going on downtown of Minneapolis and said he was five minutes away for 15 minutes. He finally pulls up and this dude was like the fucking old Indian version of me. Like he was like snapping on me because he was mad about construction, but I understood it because like it took me a minute to figure out, like, why is this guy yelling at me? I go, I want to go to, uh, whatever the fuck it was, the five eight club was going to try that one next, right?

And he goes, I need an address immediately yelling at me. And I go, all right, dude, relax. No, you can't just say the name of that place. I need an address. I was like, dude, stop yelling at me. He goes, I'm not yelling. I go, you're, yes, you are, you're yelling. And then Verzi gets in the car.

He's looking at me. I'm like, dude, this guy's fucking, you know, this guy's yelling at me. And he goes, I need an address. And I'm like, well, the name of the place is, is, is the five eight club. Put it in your phone. You're fucking cunt, right? So now I went to his energy, but fortunately, I'm been really working on it and I brought it back down again.

And I was just like, Hey, all right, you know, like, I understand this traffic here, right? And then he was trying to smile his way through it, realizing he went to fucking nuts. So I think I gained the wrong address. He ended up taking us to Matt's bar. So now it's like really tense Bartnick's riding in the front seat. This fucking guys looks like we're with our fucking angry grandfather.

We're all trying to be in our best behavior. So Bartnick strides the light in the mood. We see this fat chick on a bicycle, you know, and she was at a dead stop and now she's trying to get it going. So it's just like, you know, it's precarious when you start off a bike, if you're not pedaling fast enough, especially when you're carrying that kind of weight. And Bartnick was like, Jesus Christ, look at her, man.

He goes, they don't have asses like that in India, do they? He's like, maybe on an elephant, right? And the guy started laughing. I was just like, yeah, there'd be a fucking sacred cow over there. And we just fucking broke the ice. We broke the ice by making fun of a fat chick and bringing up stereotypical shit from that guy's culture. That's how we did it.

And then he pulled up. He ended up pulling up to match bar instead of the five eight club. And I was like, oh, this isn't where I wanted to go. And he kind of looked at me. I was just like, dude, forget it. It's all right. It's fine. I just, I don't want to get yelled at again.

I was literally like a battered wife at that point. Like, okay, bye, dad. I love you. Just fucking drove off. Um, all right, let me read, let me read a little bit of a, and by the way, it was delicious. And they, they have, uh, they got middle, middle of high life in a bottle there. You know, what the dangerous thing about a Miller high life is

there's just something about the bottle. It feels like it's eight ounces. It just doesn't feel like it's 12 ounces of beer and they just, they just go down so easy, you know, and I had a show that night. So, uh, you know, ended up having, uh, I think we had like two and the waitress was cool, you know, she was asking us about the show. We ended up hooking her up and then she gave us some fucking hats and shit, man. I was really just, it was fucking.

Minneapolis is fucking awesome. The people up there are fucking awesome. And then I go to Detroit, you know, they're fucking great. And I actually was actually like, cause I just literally landed, went to the hotel and then went out and did the show. So I was doing my typical Detroit material, but I wipe people, you know, drive a hundred miles an hour into, uh, the Tigers game. And after the, you know, and then drive back out, cause it's so fucked up in

the downtown area. And I knew it was making a comeback. Every time I go there, it's a little bit nicer, but dude, it's like those jokes are over now. I walked out after my show at about 10 30 at night and I saw a white guy, a white kid on a bicycle with a backpack riding down the street, not even nervous. And I was just like, like it's, it's in a real estate sense. It's too late to buy there.

You're already going to be paying like fucking top shelf prices. If the neighborhood got to the point where a white guy will ride down the street late at night, you know, with a backpack on, you know, he wasn't like a fucking, you know, he wasn't like eight mile Eminem white guy. He was a white guy like me, you know, a suburban, a suburban night, a non dancing suburban white kid. Um, so anyways, uh, they had like a John Varvados downtown. It was fucking ridiculous.

I remember years ago, I was telling Verzi going, dude, I'm going to buy some property here. This place is going to fucking blow up because you're out of your mind. I was just like, dude, it's a no, but it's here. It's just what I saw this happen in Pittsburgh. I saw this happen in Cleveland. I just didn't have fucking money at the time as I was fucking putting in this goddamn, you know, fucking money pit of a house that I bought.

It's a nice house now. It's a nice house now, but I, this is literally body off restoration. I had to do this fucking house. Sorry. Anyways, uh, and I remember seeing on the Anthony Bourdain show, uh, parts unknown, rest of soul. I saw a guy, he bought a skyscraper there for five million bucks. And I was thinking if there was any way you could scrape together five

million bucks and then renovate it, which I don't know what that would cost. Another 50, 45. And if you could just sit on that, I mean, there's no way that it's a skyscraper. When that city makes a comeback, that thing, you know, say you're 60 million in it, it's going to be worth a quarter of a billion dollars. And you know who fucking did all that shit? The, uh, the owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, he went down there and he bought a bunch of fucking buildings, redid them, made the office, uh, space

cheap and he filled them up with these internet companies and, um, made me feel good, then I was going to make the same move that a billionaire fucking owner of a basketball team was going to make. I just didn't have the fucking money. Um, anyways, but, uh, I'm very, very happy for that city as I was for Cleveland, as I am for Pittsburgh and all that shit. Cause there's such great cities, Buffalo, Baltimore, all of those cities going right through there, Dayton.

I love all of those fucking cities. And then, and all they need is just people to fucking invest in them. You know what I mean? I'll tell you, when we're done free in the Iraqis, we ought to come back here and try to help out some of these fucking cities, get them going again, start building shit, you know, if I was running shit, I'd have these fucking hipsters, right? I would just have them like, what are you into right now?

What are you going to bring back from the past and do it in some artisan fucking way? And, you know, you just, you know, give them break on factories and shit. Just start making stuff here again. You know, say what you want about hipsters. They like a lot of cool stuff. They're just insufferable to talk to. All right.

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pollute the air as much as they can, throw at the fucking rivers. Why they don't give a shit. You know, I was just thinking, I think it's because we're all, you know, all us regular people are going to get replaced by robots. You know what I mean? They'll have robot comedians, you know, robot fucking whores, whatever the hell you want to, you know, I don't know, kind of ran out of jobs there. But you know what I mean?

And then they're still going to, they're still going to live. And they're going to be that upper 1% and they're going to have like just like. Essentially, uh, an entire population that never complains is totally into what the fuck they're doing. I think they'll keep, uh, a group of people, human beings, as slanderers, a group of people, human beings, as slaves, and their job will be to fuck and make more people so that these older fucking rich 1%ers can harvest their organs and live forever.

That's what I think. Those are the kinds of things that I think when I'm alone. Um, and you got to figure the first time you kill somebody for that, your organs, you're just going to do that forever. Cause it's like, well, I don't think, if there's a higher power, I don't think I want to meet him or her with, with that on the resume. You know, God just sitting across you. Well, you were busy sitting there, shifting in that fucking chair.

You just fucking know exactly what the fuck he's, do you know exactly what he's talking about? Like that one's going to pop out and you got, everybody's got probably that one thing except for truly good people, which I'm not, you know, like if I have, you know, when I die, if there was an afterlife, I feel like God's going to like fucks with you, like you sit across from him and he just looks down at your resume, right? Probably has like the half glasses, you know, sitting on the end of his fucking

almighty nose eyebrows up and shit. And then he just kind of looks across. He's probably like, uh, you want me to, you want, you want to tell me about this? You know, and then you're sitting there going, oh fuck, what's he talking about? Is this a trick? Uh, oh shit, he can hear what I'm thinking. Don't think about all the shit you did. Billy's going to know it's going to be such a mind fuck.

Um, anyways, you know, it's a weird fucking topic, dying with the fuck around my, but the hell's all my shit? Oh, there it is. It's trying to find all my fucking shit. I wanted to talk about Detroit's fucking gorgeous white dude on a bicycle too late to invest. See, that's what I do. I just read a couple of words.

Oh yeah. That's what I wanted to talk about. Um, anyways, so I'm so psyched to be back out here in Los Angeles, you know, when I was in Detroit, um, it's weird when I was in Minneapolis, I ordered what they were known for, which is the juicy Lucy, which is a fucking incredible. Like the one at Matt's bar, they got this nice char on it. Then they got the cheese, of course, in the middle and it's molten hot. So you got to be careful nibble, nibble around the outside.

And, um, so it was, it was delicious. And, um, and the beer was ice cold. It was fucking great. It made me wish I didn't have a show that night. I was like, I think I want another one of these. And I want to sit here and just fucking watch a game, you know, and, um, but then I went to Detroit and, um, you know, I ordered tacos, stupid fucking move. I mean, they were good, but they weren't, but you know, they're not LA.

LA knows is known for tacos. San Francisco is known for burritos and I'm known for being pasty. Oh, let's talk World Cup. Shall we? Let's see what's going on in the FIFA World Cup. I watched a couple of games. Um, I can't even tell you who the fuck I saw. I did see the highlights.

So what I wanted to watch was Brazil and Mexico. You know what I mean? I mean, that was just the fucking soccer supernova. As far as I was concerned, how about Russia beating Spain? That that was like their fucking Lake Placid moment, you know, and I was sitting there immediately going like, Oh, this is going to be weird. Is Russia keeps moving along? You know, you watch America is going to be a bunch of babies about it.

You know, because everybody's already saying that they kind of fucked with our election or whatever. And, uh, you know, the first election, now the World Cup, you know, like we give a shit, uh, what game did I watch? I watched the Dutch people play, uh, uh, uh, fuck, I can't remember. But the other people won with some of the best goaltending I've seen in soccer, ever the fucking game starts. First of all, uh, the Dutch guys, right?

Oh, it was a Denmark, Denmark, right? They fucking, uh, Denmark, Dutch people is at the Netherlands. I don't know. I'm an American. They, they don't talk about the rest of the world. Okay. They talk about the fucking white people that started this country. That's what gets driven into your fucking skull.

Um, so the, uh, Denmark scores a goal, like 40 seconds in or a minute in or something like that. And then like 45 seconds later, the other guys score the guys who won. I can't fucking remember Croatia, Slovakia, Slovenia, Romania. Um, I don't know who the fuck it was. They fucking score. I'm like, Oh my God, this is finally my dream game. Minute and a half in, there's already been two goals.

This is some shit American can appreciate. And then there wasn't another goal for like another fucking hour and a half. But, uh, I do have to say the goaltending was fucking incredible. All right. And that guy with this fucking golden fucking locks there. Go come head for fucking Denmark was incredible. And then the other guy was just a fucking lunatic. One of those guys, you could tell he can't shut it off after the game.

And they were just guessing, right? They dive and then the guy would shoot to the middle and he fucking get his foot out while he was diving the other way. Oh, and whenever you miss a penalty fucking kick, like this is the shooter, whatever the fuck you call them, right? They, you know that they're fucking, they're just thinking like, Oh God, I'm going to get fucking, I'm never going to hear the end of this. When I go back to my country, I'm never going to hear the fucking end of this.

You know, unless somebody steps up and saves my fucking ass. So I did see that game. I did see the Brazil game with that Ronaldo guy. Oh my God. I thought for a half a second, he was literally on fire. You know, like when Will Farrell was running around in Ricky Bobby with the invisible flames, he was tearing off all his clothes. I thought that that's what was happening.

I mean, I know the guy, it definitely should have been a penalty. It was a piece of shit move. The guy stepped on him. He raked his fucking cleat right across his ankle. I imagine it's smarted, but Jesus Christ, that was like silent film acting. But anyways, I guess Brazil went two to nothing and we're getting down to it. So I imagine France or England was playing today, right? No, France is going to play.

They're already in like, they're already in. Why don't I look it up? Pfeiffer, World Cup standings. And then you got to fight through all these CBS sports cunts that don't fucking have it. I want the grid. I want the bracket. Give me the bracket.

World Cup brackets, CBS Sports. You going to fuck me against CBS Sports? Come on, slowly opening. This fucking website sucks. It keeps saying brackets. It doesn't have the bracket. Where's the bracket? There's nothing I can click on.

Schedule the standings are who the fuck's playing today? World Cup schedule, I'm clicking. And you fucking asshole, Russia, 2018 schedule. Oh my God, I found the bracket. All right. Oh, I watched the Uruguay. I always thought it was Uruguay. Uruguay beat Portugal.

I watched that game. Shut up. I watched Croatia beat Denmark. I guess Sweden beat Switzerland. I don't know why the abbreviation for their country is SUI. There's no you in Switzerland. Why wouldn't it be W? Is that too close to Sweden?

Brazil is playing Belgium. All right, so the last person who has to get in is England is playing Columbia. When the fuck is that game? I got to take that one. Then they get into the quarterfinals, and then there's the semis, and then there's the final game. Fucking goes by so fast.

So one, two, there's three, basically three more rounds. And I'm going to watch it for once. I don't think I've watched a final since that guy from Italy missed that penalty shot. And I remember when I was a kid, way back in the 80s, Diego Maradona, the hand of God, and all of that shit. But other than that, I remember also it was in the, it wasn't in the U.S. and like 90s,

and like 30 Americans showed up, but it still sold out because everybody around the world was like so excited. Like, oh my God, it's going to be so easy to get tickets. Let's go. All right, let's read some of the fucking questions here for the week. Was there really a need to swear right there?

All right. Where are we? Sweden. Oh, speaking of that. Please come to Sweden. Last time you were here, I was a little kid, and I didn't know about you. I was a little kid.

I was a little kid. And I didn't know about you, but I really like your podcast and your stand-up is amazing. Isn't that like how young that person is? I haven't been there in about five years, you know? So what do you mean, like 15? You're probably still already like 5'11". Those super tall kids over.

I'm putting together an Eastern European tour, by the way. Hopefully for the beginning part of next year. I'm teasing that, that that's what's going to be happening. We're going to a bunch of countries that I've never been to before. But I know I have to get back to Sweden. I haven't been there in way too, way too long. So I will definitely get back there. All right.

Thank you for the compliments of my podcast and my stand-up. Can a comic cover a comedic bit like a musician? No, they can't. They can't. He tells everybody. You remember that Cosby bit? You remember that prior bit? Dear Bill, one rant away from an aneurysm birth.

I hate how true that is. Can a wannabe stand-up... Oh, a wannabe stand-up. You're not an actual stand-up comedian? Cover a comedic bit like a wannabe musician would cover a song? I'm not talking about a pay gig, just an open mic. No, don't do that. Because you're already...

Even though you're not a pro because you're not getting paid, you are... Yeah, don't do that. There's no coffee house of stand-up comedy. So if you're a professional like yourself and are putting on a special, it should be total original content. The thing is, not all of us are as funny as you. But we still want to make the world laugh and get a taste of the spotlight and maybe some groupie pussy too.

Dude, if you think that you're going to go up on an open mic, I don't give a fuck if you kill with original material. When you get off stage, you still have to have game. That's the thing about being a comedian. As a fucking musician, you go up there and you start singing a song, it's fucking over. I mean, you can do that at a fucking coffee house, singing other people's fucking songs

and it's just going to be raining fucking vagina. Comedians, we can go up there for an hour, hour and a half with our own material and you still have to work for it. They want you to still be funny when you get off stage. Keep being funny. They don't want the other guy to fucking sing. You can sit there brooding, smoking a cigarette. Anyways, now your initial response will probably be something along the lines.

You know, go write your own material, you lazy piece of shit. You call me illiterate, at least I can write my own jokes. Oh, are you trying out material right now? I did my time in the night cubs bombing on stage and as a young skinny redhead and you don't think I just wanted to go up there, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, go fuck yourself, you lazy cunt. The thing is, I don't strive to be a professional comedian as engineering pays a lot better

and writing my own jokes seems like too much work. I really don't give a shit about you right now. You know what I mean? Hey man, I just want to go fucking play one down of professional football without getting hit. Fuck yourself. I just want to go on stage and give the illusion that I'm funny so maybe a girl will think I actually have a personality and want to fuck me.

Oh, now we're getting to it. Now we're getting to it. All right. So you're an engineer. You're probably introverted. You're super smart, but you don't have anything going on with the ladies. So right now you're thinking like, oh, that's funny. And then you think that funny guys, that comedians get a ton of ass.

I'm not saying there aren't guys out there that do, but they work. It's fucking, unless you know, you're fucking ridiculously good looking, but like it's fucking work. If it is, no, if you're extended comedian, you kind of have like that slumber vibe, slumber party vibe energy. Like, oh my God, you guys, it's weird. It's like a feminine, you know, if you almost, it's just a weird thing about women. If you give off an effeminate energy, you're actually going to get more fucking ass

than a fucking a guy. Or I guess a guy vibe. You know what I mean? I mean, look at David Bowie. The guy was walking around wearing dresses. There was just women with prints. He was wearing high heel shoes as whole fucking. They, they, it was like, uh, uh, like the locusts, except it was all vaginas flying at those guys.

So maybe that's what you need to do. Rather than, uh, rather than steal from comedians, I would steal from Prince and David Bowie. And I would think that you guys are all down there. Everybody's wearing like the fucking white lab coat. If you added a little bit of flair, a feminine flair to your scientific, your scientist coat. Who knows? Go to work, design a bridge while wearing some fucking prints, high heels, fucking boots. I'm telling you, you're, you're automatically you're going to be fucking interesting.

All right, let me keep reading here. Uh, I just want to go stage above because I, I look at it like it's a scientific report. It's not plagiarism as long as you cite where you got the information from. So if at the beginning of the set, I said something like most essays I wrote in college, this set is completely plagiarized. That's a funny joke, sir. Consisting of ideas from people much smarter than me. And the only original thing I have to say is this opening line in some asshole somewhere else has probably already said this too. Or at the end of the set, I say, thanks for listening.

If you want to see those jokes, they're actually supposed to be performed. How those jokes are actually supposed to be formed. Go check out Bill Barr. Dude, you're, you're cutting yourself short. You're actually a funny guy. You're just lazy. You could actually use that opener and then go into one of the oldest jokes of all time. You know, one of those fucking water firemen's where red suspenders and be like, I'm just fucking with you. And then to just talk about being a fucking engineer and I got no game with women.

You only have to be up there for five minutes. All right. Do that. I actually think you want to fucking do this. And I also think you're funny from that first line. All right, so there's, there's your two options. All right. If, if, yeah, sincerely from an unoriginal fan from the great white North, you're funny, you're self deprecating.

You got enough here that it's not crazy to me that you would go up and do an open mic. But, you know, it's the laziness factor that you just want to go up there and do other people's shit. But I understand. I remember the first time I sat down to write like, okay, I'm going to write jokes. It's the weirdest feeling ever. It's like, how do you do this? Like, what do I even fucking, what am I going to talk about? How do I connect one idea to another?

You're not supposed to know. All right. So just open with that line. Talk about your life. You know, who gives a fuck if you bail after three minutes? That's what I did. I didn't even get through the five minutes. And look at me telling dick jokes all across the land.

All right. But you're not going to get respect from other comics, other open micers going up there doing other people's fucking material and you will immediately be branded a thief. Watch out for this guy and there'll be a bunch of open micers who are severely insecure and they're going to need a target to fucking focus their awful childhoods on. And that's going to be you. So I would open with that joke. I would close with what the fuck you said. I wouldn't do other people's material. I'd talk about my life.

And when you're at work, you know, whatever, put a boa on to some shit, try to be interesting and bang one of the chicks you fucking work with. You know, you guys can't go see Star Wars or something. I don't know. Good luck to you. On Thursday. I'll check in on you. Have a great couple of days. You fucking go.

Let's go fuck yourselves.