Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-20-15

Episode Date: July 20, 2015

Bill rambles about Hootie and the Blowfish, The Maltese Falcon and eating broccoli.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday. I don't know what fucking day it was, July 20th? Is that what it's going to be? Is that what it's going to be, pal? Yeah, that's what it's going to be. It's Sunday night, July 19th. When I'm doing this, I am in Ottawa. I'm in my hotel room. I am stone sober. They have Cuban cigars here. I have not smoked one. And I am sitting in bed right now with a plate full of raw vegetables that was supposed to come with hummus, but came with ranch dressing instead. So I'm trying to avoid that. So I can somehow make my goal of being down to a buck 80 this week, which I think I am. I think I am, but I don't have access to a fucking

scale here. That's what it is. That's where I'm at. This is what boozing and eating pizza and beer and all this other fucking horseshit. This is where it gets you. At some point, you got to pay the piper and sit here with a bunch of vegetables. There's fucking crap. Oh, I want to punch a rabbit right now. I don't even know what's not their fault. It's not their fault that I ate the way I ate like a fucking rabbit. Then you know, I don't fucking know. I'm so excited like a minute ago. Now I'm just fucking, you know, I'm just what's the point of living? If you're not killing yourself slowly, what is the point of living? What is the point of living? Think about it. All the shit that you know what that's going

to kill you someday. That's the best fucking time, right? Smoking, drinking, eating fucking some whore raw. No, sorry. I need to watch my mouth here because I'm in a nice hotel. I just don't want to disturb the people around us. So anyways, this is just one of these deals. This sucks right now. But in the morning, I'm going to be psyched. You know, oh, I wanted a burger. Oh, Billy fucking pasty flabby tits wanted a burger. No burger for you. There will be no burger for you. I'm not going to eat or drink the entire podcast, but I just had some celery, right? Which celery I think this chemical makeup is like air and water as far as I know with some green dye number five. But I got one of those celery hairs in the

back of my throat right now. You fucking veggie cunts. How do you guys do it? You know, like a true vegetarian? Well, they don't sit around eating this shit. They actually have better meals. You know, I love when you meet like a fat vegetarian. It's just like you're fucking yourself over on two levels right now. You know what I mean? It's like you're not eating meat and that sucks. And then you're not even good food. You're just sitting there eating like Doritos. It's actually good. Don't tell him, you know, it's too many fucking people. Let him die. That's what I say. Is that what you say? Oh, that's what I say on my podcast. That's what I say. Let the fat vegetarians who don't know how to eat right, let them die.

I implore the next leader of our great nation of the United States of America of America of the Americas of America. Please just let him die. Okay, I don't mean people with diseases. Let's try to help that shit. But if you just shoving, well, wait a minute, maybe that's how you got the disease because he kept shoving shit down your fucking throat. Let him die. That's what I've always running for president. That would be my campaign message. And I would I would contact hoodie in the blowfish. And I would get those asked him if I could have the rights to letter cry. And I would just I would just have it let let him die instead. And I contact the black dude whose name is not hoodie. Was it Frank Gifford? I don't

know his fucking name is what I think Frank Gifford, Dustin, something or other. What is his fucking name? I have it. Darius Rucker. Right? I didn't go if they're eating fucking shit, let them die. Oh, let them die. He did a lot of fucking wine in there. Oh, what a fucking genius that guy was. He saw the writing on the wall. And he was just like, you know what? We made up money. I'm fucking out and I'm African American and I am going, I am steering my creative ship into the overt heart of white racism. And I'm going to put out a country album and God damn it, I'm going to be successful and he did it. The fucking guy did it. They did the white version of that as if you played a ukulele in one of those fucking, you know,

those, those bands with chicks with dirty feet, sit there and watch them after they take off their boots. And you fucking you just put out like a rap album and crushed it. You know, and all you did was set it like he just put on like a trucker cap like that was his big thing. So you'd still dress the way you dress. And you just put on like a do rag or something. You know, and you went from singing about the Appalachian Trail to rap it about I don't know what what would you rap about how dope your ukulele is. You get your face airbrushed on the back of it, you know, and just come out. You know, I want to see somebody do that. Go down one of those eight mile open mics and I want you to come down with a custom ukulele, a do rag, white as hell. You

got to be, I was going to say at least as white as me, but I mean, at that point, then you're going into albinos boy, you got to be super white. I want to see you go down just see how long you can fucking what's all they're going to do is boo. Come on, man, you can take a good bow and right go down there and fucking have one of your buddies airbrush yourself. And then I'm the shit pose and just come walking out with your do rag and your fucking ukulele and just have it flipped over so they can see your face and just have a dead serious look on your face. Like you are about to blow everybody's fucking minds and then wrap over the ukulele and just see how long you can go. Why not? Why the fuck not? Oh, I'm babbling. I'm babbling in Ottawa. Is that a Meg Ryan movie?

Is Tom Hanks is he lonely? Is he going to come up and bang her out there on the canal? They never show the banging and those Tom Hanks Meg Ryan movies. That's why they never ranked true for me. It's like I get it. You're fighting love and all that. But at some point, you too got to fuck. And I'm not seeing it. So I'm calling bullshit. You know, more vegetables. Oh, yeah, keep them coming. I call bullshit. I don't think I don't think that sleep is in Seattle story ever happened. You know, why am I eating vegetables on a fucking pocket? Do you know a lot of the train conductors, they eat while they do the announcements. That's why you can't hear them. They just shove a bunch of food in their mouth like this. No, it's like,

yeah, is there anything worse than a fucking tomato? Maybe they're in season up here. I don't fuck. Fucking tomatoes, man. Unless you pull them out of your yard. What are you getting? All right. If you're still listening to this, I want you to call suicide hotline. Oh, fuck am I sober and awake? Jesus Christ. You know, first of all, I had a rough one coming in here. I left lax. Oh my God. I went down to LAX to get on air Canada. We have a leaf on the tail that represents what our nation's about throw in some syrup and some mild racism and a couple of terrorists trying to cross the border. We play hockey and that ice shuffleboard that I can't remember

the name of who's our president. No one fucking cares. Keep heading north and you'll meet Santa Claus or get mulled by a fucking polar bear that fucked a grizzly bear. Right. That's everything I know about Canada. Next year, polar bears and grizzly bears they have fucked at this point, like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan never did in sleepless in Seattle. And they had a they had a gola bear or a fucking busy busy bit. Yeah, you gotta go go. Goal are busy. That's a bad one. That kid's gonna get that little cubs gonna get the shit kicked out of school. Right. Hey, you're fucking different, man. Right. Anyways, what am I talking about? So I went to fly in right or ride in pilot flies. I just sit in the back riding in. And we got out into the tarmac. That's a word you never

want to hear during your flight. The second they use the word tarmac, you're going to be delayed at least two hours. As you may have noticed, the pilot has pulled over onto the tarmac. We're gonna be sitting we're gonna be shutting the engines down here on the tarmac. I don't even know what the fucking tarmac is. I have no idea what the fuck it is. All I know is that means you're gonna sit there for two hours. But there was all this crazy what this crazy fucking weather. All this thunder and lightning and all that shit. So I'm like, absolutely, pull over to the side. I'd rather sit here. So I sat there and I don't even know what the fuck I did. But basically, I was supposed to connect through Toronto to get here to Ottawa.

And I missed that connection. And I was supposed to be in Ottawa by eight o'clock. And when I missed my connection so bad that where they hooked me up on the flight, the next flight, I left at 1035 out of Toronto. So it was brutal, but I didn't die. So it's fine. You know what I mean? And at the end of the day, as long as it was, I still went from LA to Toronto to Ottawa in one day, which was impossible. Up until a couple of decades ago, right? In the 70s, you couldn't do that. They would pull over and stop, you know, fight off some indigenous people as they tried to refuel in some Godforsaken place, like nonstop flights from LA to Toronto. I don't think that started until the early 90s. As far as my Wikipedia pages, obviously, I know that. But when was the

last time that you, when are they first being able to go from like New York to LA without stopping? I don't know, Bill. Why don't you look it up? I don't give a fuck. I'm just talking, filling up fucking time. I'm filling up your little ride to work right now, huh? How's your car doing? Is it sputtering along? Is it running good? What is it doing? Why did you buy that car? So anyways, on the flight out there, I watched the Maltese Falcon. Whenever they have that on there, I love Humphrey Bogart. And if you're a big Frank Sinatra fan, Frank was a huge fan of Humphrey Bogart. And when you watch Humphrey Bogart, you see a lot of elements of his swagger in Sinatra style. And I have to tell you right now, if you're trying to quit smoking and drinking,

do not repeat, do not watch the Maltese Falcon. Do not watch that movie. Humphrey Bogart makes smoking and drinking look like the greatest thing ever. And before you like, oh, did you know that guy died of fucking lung cancer? I know he smoked camels unfiltered, like a fucking chimney. Do you know what else he did? He became one of the biggest stars Hollywood has ever known. And he fucking was he hooked up with the was it bogey and Bacall, Lauren Bacall when she was like 19 she was like that is a fucking stellar human being he was in his 40s. And they were fucking inseparable. They loved each other. He never wanted to go out. She was there's two couples that I fucking that I love bogey and Bacall and Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward.

They somehow they fucking made it. Now obviously Bogart died. So that really helps the marriage but fucking Newman and Woodward fucking made it. But anyways, this fucking guy is just rolling his own cigarettes, which wasn't bad. But at one point in the movie when he sits down with the fat man there, he and he ends him a fucking torpedo cigar. And if you look at the master, the master shot, which is basically, I don't know why I describe it Jesus Christ, I've been in a couple of movies, I should know this, the master shot is like whatever the scene is, that's the wide shot where you see the where they are, everybody that's basically in the shot that is the master shot, they usually shoot that first. And then they go all right coming around to your point of view,

his point of view, we're going to do is to shot would do a three quarter do a fucking close up and all it's all up to the director but the master shot. If you look at the other shots, they're not smoking but in the master shot, they're actually smoking cigars. While acting and making one of the great movies of all fucking time, it's one of the I just that's all I think of when I see that. I want an acting gig where I just get on the master, I get to smoke a fucking great cigar. That's what that name is. It's a fucking phenomenal movie. And I think one of the most underrated actors of all time, even though he's a consider a legend, I think he's one of the best actors of all time is I hope we say his name right Peter Loughard. I think it's

awesome. And the guy who plays the fat man and I should know all these people's names. He's fucking amazing. Just the sound of his voice, the way he plays it, the way he's just such an even keeled emotional person with everybody else's kind of erratic. And that's a fucking awesome movie. But if you stop smoking and drinking, I mean, it's fucking brutal. That's back in the day. Can you imagine back in the day like if you just walked in to get car insurance and the guy sitting and cry, you want to drink? Yeah, let's fuck. Let's fucking do it. I just give you a shot. There's no drinking and driving. There's no laws against it. There's no breathalyzer. There's nothing. There's no airbags. Fucking water's fine. The fucking food

hasn't been genetically altered. You just walk in places and hey, you want something to speak you want smoking a drink? Back then, you weren't an addict. You were just considered an adult. If you couldn't get your shit together, he's a drunk. He's the town drunk. It's a fucking whino. Get your shit together. Right now, everybody's a fucking addict and it isn't their fault. I don't know. I guess I understand that with drug. I certainly understand that with drugs and alcohol. I've lost some friends to that shit. But I got to say with the food stuff. You know, I don't know about that one. It's just kind of like just eat a salad. My oversimplifying it really is. I guess that's

saying to an alcoholic just don't drink. But you really just gotta like I'm trying to say this in an empowering way. Like tonight, I wanted a burger. I wanted the fucking ribs. I wanted all of that shit. And I just you just got to get past that dumb thought and think like do I really want to have to do do I like going to the gym? No. Do I want to go on the elliptical for the rest of my life? No. Just throw a couple of celery sticks down your fucking pie hole. And then that that craving will be like right now. I'm not even thinking about a steak. All I'm thinking right now is how awful vegetables taste. But you know what? I'll be fine. Look at my options cauliflower. If I was a vegetable, I'd be cauliflower. Isn't that sad? Like the ugliest vegetable there is.

I had a green one the other day. You know something? If I wasn't so stoic, I'd start fucking crying right now. Just the last couple of days of eating has been fucking brutal. However, that's not what I came here to talk about everybody. I came here to talk about how I was in Ottawa tonight. And it's hilarious. My agent goes to me. He goes, hey, before you do the Montreal Comedy Festival on Monday, this is gig. This Blues Festival in Ottawa. Deep Purple is going to be there. Yeah, yeah, all that type of shit. So I go, yeah, man, fuck it. I'll do that. When I was in Reno, there was a Blues Festival. All of a sudden, I don't know about a week. It was like months ago, about a week out.

The fucking word comes in that it's actually it's outside and I'm going to be going on in between bands. I'm like, what the fuck? So I call it my agent. I was just like, dude, I'm not trying to be a diva here, but didn't we already pay these dues? I thought I already did these. I did these gigs to not have to do them again, right? He's like, no, no, it's going to be great. It's going to be great. Saga did it last year. He had a great fucking time. And I'm like, this thing is outside. Yes, it's outside. I go on in between bands. Yes, you go on in between bands. And I'm like, and it's good. And he's like, yes, it's good. Trust me, it's good. Now, I assume most of you guys who listen to this are not stand up comedians, but any stand up

comic who's listening to this right now is like going either laughing or going, no, don't take the gig. So I fucking show up. And you know, weird Al had Yankovic had gone on like at like five in the afternoon when it was hot as shit, he's putting on all these fucking costumes and stuff. So he's laughing about it. We're having to find I'm standing there looking out in the crowd and Bachman Turner overdrives playing on the other side. It's one of those things where they got two stages going when they finished, then I go up and then the next band. So they're out there. And I'm just looking at a bunch. There's no chairs. It's the summer. So it's still fucking, you know, broad daylight and it's fucking muggy as shit. You know, and I guess Bachman's the

only guy left. And he's on the other side of the fucking parking lot. And I'm just sitting there taking this all in going, I am going to eat my fucking ball. I'm going to bomb. This is going to be a fucking nightmare. And I was going out of that good. They're good. So anyways, they ended up bringing me up. This radio guy brings me up fucking amazing voice. Well, let's listen to why I want to fuck on the guy. Sounds like amazing, right? Brings me up and I come walking out there and the whole crowd cheered and it was ended up being this fucking amazing show. And I was really kind of waiting for it to in the first eight minutes. I was waiting for it to go bad and it was fucking amazing. And then I was outside and I started

thinking about Robin Williams. All those shows he did performing for the troops. Those were outside and I don't know, in the middle of it, I got like about 10 minutes in, I got inspired to like really quit being a fucking baby about this thing. Because, you know, you get out there, you know, if you think somebody's coming at you want to start fucking lashing out of people before they get you and everything and reminds me this this fame. There's this famous story about Robin Williams. Joe Bartnick told me it and you know, he was royalty Robin Williams in San Francisco. So I guess there was some sort of concert that was supposed to happen. Some huge band and everyone standing outside, you know, some giant fucking venue waiting to see this band, but it started

raining and lightning and all this shit so the band couldn't go on and everybody was getting upset. But I guess Robin Williams was in the crowd was there for the show. And he just said fuck it. It went on stage for like an hour or an hour and a half and just did a off the, you know, the top of his head comedy show fucking destroyed. And in the end of his show, the sun started coming out. The crowd went fucking nuts. And then he brought the band on. And I don't know, he told me that says that that's one of the coolest fucking things ever, you know, somewhere in the middle of that I started thinking about this, that story. But anyways, I want to thank everybody from Ottawa. And in an around Ottawa who came out to the show,

you guys had no chairs. You stood up for an hour. I had a fucking great time. And while I was doing it, the sun was going down and the sky was amazing. I kept making fun of that. Like I would be in the middle of a joke, right? Telling joke. Yes, my fucking wife about that. Oh God, how great was that breeze? I was saying all this shit I'd never said in 23 years on stage. How great was that? How great is the breeze? Look at those clouds. Somebody take a picture and share that was it was unreal. It was a phenomenal gig. And to make it even even better was believe it or not, the company that we hired to animate F is for family, which is coming out in December is actually in Ottawa. So I went over there today and I met everybody and they were all

cool as hell. And young and they thought the show was fucking hilarious. And it wasn't like anything they had ever seen. So and I met this, this one woman who was I'm not I'm not giving away any of the show, but was animating this really fucked up scene. And I was laughing that she got the scene just because of what the scene was about her being a woman. And she said, and I was like, how did you end up getting this? She said, I actually requested it. I wanted to animate this scene. And I got to tell you guys, I don't talk any shit. I'm not as well who's getting who I fuck around. But I'd like, when I talk about my career, I don't talk about any shit. But I will just say this, I was very, very excited when I left those studio that studio today. And I think, I think

this show is going to be I think this is the one as far as I found the right thing where I can be funny the way I'm funny and stand up and funny on the fucking podcast, I can be that kind of funny on TV. So I don't even feel like I'm jinxing it. I'm one of those fucking old ladies like, don't say that, then you're gonna fucking jinx it. I think it's fucking, it's really coming out well. I'm trying to fucking not be too fucking excited, but just do me get do me a solid you guys when that fucking thing comes out, just watch it on Netflix, just fucking watch it so we get good numbers. Because then if you like it, please tell some other people, I don't think I'm going to have to ask you to do that after you watch it. I'm just saying that right now. Oh, Billy's talking

a little shit here. Talking a little bit of shit. Then that's all I fucking need, right? I do stand up and then I do this fucking off the wall cartoon. I call it a day. Call it a day. Do a good five seasons of that. And then I fucking happy trails. I go by my fucking ranch in Alabama. I'll see you get the NHL package the MLB package the fucking the fucking whatever the basketball one is I'll get the college one to I'll get the fucking and league pass NFL pass whatever the fucking is I'm getting all of those. All right. And then I'm getting me a case of fucking bear. That's it. Get me a case of fucking beer. And then I'm going to fucking, I'm going to join the clan when I'm down there. And I'm going to see I'm going to be like see if I can like talk people out of it.

Show up to meetings and sort of not as people are talking and just sort of be like that. I mean, I'm just not that bad. Come on. You know, I'm just saying I'm just saying. And you know, it's funny. And you know, it's funny. That's what every group needs. Even if you have a good cause, you need somebody in there that does not share your point of view. Because if you don't, you go off the fucking rails. That's what the clan needs. The clan needs some members that don't hate black people. Just to fucking spin them back into reality. When you should think like these feminist groups, that's what the fuck they need. They need some fucking jerk off guy like me in there just to fucking, you know, you can't you can't be in a group where everybody thinks

the same way you spin off down the fucking wheel. It's like when conspiracy theorists get together a fucking eyebrow shoot up to the ceiling. Next thing you know, where we're talking about everything was an inside job. You need somebody there to be like, guys, guys, guys, do you realize how many people would have to be involved to pull that off? And everybody keeps their fucking mouth shut. And then you can be all, you know what? You're right. You're right. We got a little out of hand there. We got a little out of hand. Maybe I'll drive by heckling clan meetings in the south. Just drive by. They're not that bad. If you get to know some people, I wouldn't agree with that. I have experiences that aren't like that. You know, just freaking

up. Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Let's do some reads this week. Fucking draft Kings has been breaking my balls. Just breaking my fucking balls. I love draft Kings. I don't know what they're fucking. They don't like that. I make a joke that they're a fucking gambling website. They don't like it. I keep getting the like I got a text. They said earlier this week, just, you know, we love the reads. Just don't say that we're gambling website. Just say that we're, it's more of a skill based thing. It's just like, what are you talking about? It's like you're gambling. You've combined a fantasy baseball or fantasy football with, with the Vegas sports book. We're all adults. I don't have a problem with it.

Why can't you just be who you are draft Kings? This is the fucking letter I got here. Where is it here? All right. Okay, just, just sent saying the advertising. Did you see the email regarding draft Kings? Please remind bill not capital N O T to compare draft Kings to gambling. Well, dad, I don't fucking get people that first of all gambling is legal. It's legal. What you're doing is fucking legal. Why are you ashamed? That's like saying, you know, we're not having sex. We're just seeing how our bodies fit together. Right? That's probably a bad example. I gamble. You know, the Pete Rose joke, not only is it funny, it's fucking makes sense. So I'm going to continue to read it the way I always fucking read it. And then, you know,

if you don't like it, then I guess, you know, go to another podcast. I don't have to tell you. This isn't like radio. I can't get fired from my own fucking show. Fucking skill based thing. That's what kills me that you're sitting there as fucking adults, and you can just sit there and say that lie unless you sat there in the meeting and you went like, listen, guys, this is just bad for business to say that this is a gambling website. So let's hope bill is dumb enough to go along with it's more of a skill based fucking thing. Well, I'm going to keep reading it the way I read it. What about the Howard Cosell thing that I do? You don't like that? If I don't make these things fucking entertaining, advertising people, people

are just going to fucking fast forward through them. Listen, if me on these can roll with sweaty balls and no sweaty clam, I think you can handle a Pete Rose joke. We're all adults here. We know what they are. It's more of a skill based fucking thing. That's what they used to say on the football card when I was in high school when they had the bookie give you that on the back. It says not to be used for gambling. It's just a skill based game. We all know what's going on. All right. There we go. That's like the two people at the office who are fucking and they think nobody knows. Everybody knows. All right, just fucking drop your pants and go at it. All right, dollar shave club, everybody. I got to tell you shaving the old way sucks a lot. It hurts. You

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out to save even more. That's legal zoom.com promo code burr legal zoom.com. All right, mercifully, the reeds are over. I hope draft kings has a fucking sense of humor. That would be a goddamn shame if they just walked away all fucking upset. Now I'm going to eat a carrot. What's up, Jack? I almost had a bad joke. Gay bugs, buddy. What's up, cock? Oh, that was one of the worst ones ever. Oh, that was one of the worst ones ever. Um, anyways, you know, it's funny as I'll probably get complaints from a gay rabbit group. Did you mean that? Were you being serious? What am I doing here? Not dull shape club. I got to get to the fucking questions for this week.

Where are we? Anyways, 37 minutes in. I'll tell you, time flies when you're just stone sober, eating vegetables at 10 fucking 52 at night. Jesus Christ. Oh my God, what am I? I'm a two weeks in. Two weeks in. It's just hard at night. If you notice when I do the podcast in the morning or in the afternoon, I'm in a good fucking mood. This is when it's the hardest. You know, your body's starting to shut down and the devil's starting to wake up like, Hey, what are we doing? What are we doing? Yo, there's no California, no fucking no vegetables. All right, let's read. Let's get to some of the reads here. Have I talked about everything I wanted to talk about here? The fuck else did I want to mention? Oh, oh, oh, Jesus Christ,

I almost forgot. One of the guys that basically taught me how to be a comedian, unfortunately, passed away 73 years of age, Bob Sybel was laid to rest today and just wanted to make sure that I took time to mention what a fucking great guy he was, man, just such a great guy. He was always cool to me when I started out. And just such a I mean, I didn't even know all this shit about I'm going to read this this link here. When they talked about Bob Sybel, he started in 1979, that was the start of a 36 year career in standup comedy from a guy whom his good friend and fellow comedian Mike McDonald, who's another fucking hilarious comic, called the Fantastic Maniac on stage, Bob made you laugh off stage. He was generally cared about

people. And this this is what I found amazing about this guy. And actually, I kind of related to it where he was into a bunch of different shit. Let's see, where the fuck is it? Oh, Christ, Bill, why don't you give an attribute to the guy and you're going to fuck this whole thing up? Well, you know what, you're gonna have to deal with me reading out loud here. Those who knew Sybel are aware that his life was lived in two distinct parts, which January 5, 1977, serving as the as the line of demarcation. I hope I said that right. That's the day he gave up drinking, driving into an occupied park car on Market Street was the final straw. And while his post drinking life was not much longer in years 38 versus 35, he was determined to live every day

like it was like he was trying to make up for lost time. They say that basically the guy in the Doseki's commercial, the most interesting man in the world, doesn't have anything on Bob Sybel. Now you know what you're thinking, what the fuck does that mean? Here you go, where do you start? Sybel ran more than 30 marathons. This is a monster headline comic. He also ran more than 30 marathons, including the Boston Marathon 17 times. He was a certified scuba diver who dived, you know, he did cruises, he did, he fucking dove all over the world, an artist, a musician, an airplane pilot. He hiked the Appalachian Trail several times, climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. He went on transatlantic cruises, though not in the traditional manner.

He would travel on cargo and steamships and was often the only one on the ship not working. It was his economical way to see the world. That was far from the only traveling he did. In the last 11 years, since he and his loving companion reconnected, they dated in high school and lost touch for 44 years. The pair traveled to China, Italy, Morocco, Greece, Turkey, Ukraine, France, Spain, England, Ireland, Iceland, the Bahamas, and Canada. Let me tell you something, dude. That's the way to be a fucking comedian is once you're a headlining comic and you're telling fucking jokes and people are coming out to see you, why you would ever get yourself sucked into the industry when you can do all of this shit. How fucking amazing is that? He fucked around for

the first 35 years of his life and was still able to do that. I gotta tell you, man, he was one of the greatest fucking guys. When I started out, I know I've mentioned this before, I started out in March of 1992 and the big 80s comedy boom was crashing hard. There was a lot of guys that worked in the 80s. Basically, they had more rooms than actual bona fide comedians. What happened was I came in during the trimming the fat years. Obviously, I did not start off in the greatest rooms and I ran into some of these bitter guys that were coming back down and had to get day jobs and some of them were some of the worst fucking people you'd ever want to meet. I forgive them because they were fucking dealing with what they were going through, but some of them. I know

guys would be like, hey, look at this. It's Wednesday night. Fucking three years ago, there'd be a line around the block. There's barely anybody here. I had a guy one time say that to me and say, you know what, if I was starting out now, I'd quit, man. I'd get into something else. I was literally trying to discourage me. That's how desperate this person was. Sybell was not one of those guys, man. He was just a great guy, really was interested in who you were and what you did and all that. He lived a hell of a life. That's another great thing. I'll post this article one of the coolest things anybody could ever say about you. They said Bob Sybell's bucket list was empty. So I don't know. I definitely just wanted you guys to know who that guy was. He's a fucking

great dude, man. All right. So anyways, let's get on to your questions here for the week, for the week, for the week, for the week. Where the hell do I go here? Sorry, I'm on my iPad. I'm on my mini iPad. It's like it's big, but it's small. You know what I mean? All right. Okay. Once again, people, if you want to email me and ask me questions, the email is bill at the mmpodcast.com. Boston posters are still on sale. As of now, there's 175 left. I know I had a lot of problems with the website, but you know me with technology. Also, I'm supposed to remind you guys about be the match.org. Be the match.org. It's the bone marrow registry. You give bone marrow, you can save somebody's life. We've had a few listeners that respond that joined the registry at the

B match and tweeted us at what a great experience it was. All right. There you go. That's good karma too. Whatever horrific thing you do this weekend, you want to balance it out, you can go do that. All right, galaxy search. As I mentioned, I was looking for a four galaxy. My wife is kind of making me being a little more smart about it, but I already have one fucking old vehicle that I got to get fixed all the time. She's right. But you know, maybe it needs a friend. Anyways, this guy said, Hey, Bill, if you want to search Craigslist nationwide for that galaxy, try search tempest. So there you go. That's for you guys, whatever the fuck you're looking for. www.search tempest.com. All right, here we go. Let's get to the questions for the week here. New fan from Norway.

J. U. P. P. Jump. That's right. New fan. It's possible. Great podcast. Great shows. Well, thank you, sir or ma'am. I've seen all your clips on YouTube in the last couple of days now, summer holidays at the cabins, reigning. So thank you. You saved it. Pardon my English, but how's your new Norwegian? Right? You know what? You got me there. You're way better than I am. I don't know anything other than talk, which means thank you. So somebody could be like, Hey, can I shoot you in the head? I'll be like, thank you. Yes, absolutely. Keep on doing whatever you're doing. It works. And when you come back, when are you coming back to Oslo? Because I know you, I see you've been here. I've been there twice,

my friend. Next time call me. He gives the phone number and he goes not gay. I love when guys do that, not gay. Like what if you were that they like I like whatever move you made, I would do it. I'm not gay. You're sorry, man. But you know, I'm flattered. Then it would be over. Then we go cross country skiing or whatever. I can handle it. If you're gay, no big deal. Promise. He said, I promise I can, I can take you on a local to a local soccer game. Anyways, best regards, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, his name is Glenn named after Glenn Anderson from the Gretzky line from his Edmonton Euler years. True. My dad's work. What? Ballerina, Red Sox, Rangers, New York Giants, L Beckham Jr. We'll own 2015, 60. You know what,

dude, you went off the rails with your ear English. I don't know what happened there. But you know what? Most important thing, when am I going back over there? Probably next year. I think the last time I was there was the end of 2013. So I am more than overdue because I could go there right now and give you guys all brand new hours worth of jokes. So and I think this time when I go over there, I'm going to add some Eastern European countries. And I don't know. I'm looking forward to it. Definitely looking forward to it. Last time I went to Oslo, I met this fucking badass dude who was shredded was this little guy who had the most sickest fucking beard. He just did not shave. And his beard went from just under his eyes down to and met his chest hair. This guy was a fucking

animal. And he'd just come back from Thailand, where two months out of every year, this guy goes over there and just gets taught by these masters and gets the shit kicked out of him and comes back here like a fucking comes back to Norway, just absolutely shredded and even more of a deadly weapon than he was when he left. Those are the kinds of people that I like. Those are the kinds of people that you should meet because that's the kind of shit like you listen like dude, you can do that. You can just leave where you live for two fucking months, go to the other side of the planet and fight for two months. And it's like, yeah, if you set your life up, always working towards that, your life ends up going around that shit. So if you're young right now, you know, when you're

sitting there, you're getting ready to get out of college and the whole cubicle life is scaring you, you can set it up however you want to set it up. Just start doing the shit that you want to do and then your life sort of builds around it. All right. So anyways, all right, weight loss challenge. Hey, they have freckles. I love the podcast and I've been trying to get motivated to at least not be that fat. I'm from Wisconsin. So beer and cheese curds are like appetizers before more beer and meats with fried cheeses. Oh, God, dude, you know how hard that is to read right now, you know, fucking great that sounds. Oh my God, I'd kill for any of that right now. He goes on 59218 pounds, big boy. Dude, you are you're you're like fourth and goal weight.

Give it to you. You'll get it in there, man. 59218 that's pretty fucking solid, my friend. He said, I've only I've how many fucking hoodies do you own? He goes, I've always been active in play sports. There you go. So there's muscle underneath there. You're gonna fucking destroy somebody if you start playing rugby. He said, I've always been active in play sports. After your last Monday morning podcast, I was asked by some coworker if I wanted to be their fourth in a relay marathon, because of your recent fat motivation towards yourself and challenge. I am doing it. All right, good for you. He said, this chubby John Stockton pot paps beer loving bastard has already ran 13 miles this week already

and is cut down on the PBR, switching to PBR light. Thanks for the encouragement. All right, good field. Yeah, dude. That's the one thing I have noticed since trying to lose weight is runners are fucking. They're all fucking skinny. You don't see a lot of fat runners, unless somebody's fat and they decided to run. Other than that, it just sort of melts off for you. My only thing is, I don't know how their feet and knees can take it in their back and everything like that. I got this weird thing where I can sort of run on a treadmill a little bit. But if I run outside, if I run on a sidewalk, like I'll go half a block in my knees are like, hey, hey, hey, easy, easy. What are we doing here? What are we doing? All right, get on the grass

and start walking. So my biggest thing that I'm doing is I'm just changing the way I eat. Who's kidding? Who I'm taking a break from the way I eat. I'm always going to have steaks and shit like that. But God damn it. Look at this. I have three pieces of cauliflower. I got like two carrots, three little those round fucking tomatoes and a couple pieces of broccoli. I love broccoli if it's steamed, but if it's completely fucking raw, it is practically impossible to eat. And you know it's even harder is to eat it and actually do, you know, do a podcast. I bet this has never been done. Has anybody ever just taken a big fucking thing of cauliflower shoved it in their mouth and tried to read an email on a podcast podcasting is so young, you know, I don't think it's been

done. This is like eating a fucking raw broccoli with nothing on it. This is like, you know, that cinnamon challenge in like a vegetarian way. Here we go. This is so gross. Look at the top of broccoli. It's like, you know, those people with gross tongues, all those little bumps on the fucking tongues. It's just this is fucking nasty. Ah, oh my god. I don't know I ate an ironing board, but I think this is what it would fucking taste like. This isn't even food. This is a fucking gross thing. Oh my god. Oh, it's fucking horrible. Broccoli, two thumbs down.

You know, broccoli is like part of a comedy team. Like in any one comedy, they have to be part of a team. There's no fucking way this thing could go on stage by itself and hold the crop. Holy shit. And another thing too is it never fucking ends. You will chew broccoli for like four fucking hours. Oh god. All right. Jesus Christ. Um, anyways, why did I do this? I still have two fucking cheeks full of this shit. I look like a ball player in the fucking seventies and eighties instead of tobacco. It's broccoli. That'd be great if you joined a baseball team and they're all putting my fucking dip in back in the day and you're sticking like broccoli in there. Like, what are you doing?

Oh, it's little broccoli. It's good fiber. It's good for your prostate. Keeps things moving. Is it good for your prostate? I don't know. It's not good for your mouth. I can tell you that. Ah. Do it. Do it. Do it. I never make noises like this when I'm eating steak. That's all I'm saying. You know, you eat steak, you fucking drop the fork. Unless it's a shit one. You know what I mean? Here's a good, here's a good rule of thumb. If you walk into a steakhouse and they have steak sauce on the table, you turn around, you walk the fuck out. All right. A good steak does not need sauce. Fuck it. Mother fucker. End it already.

How long does this take? Come on. All right. There we go. You know, it's funny that man versus food I never saw me eat broccoli. I know why. I know it sucked towards the end of the challenge, but he always enjoyed the beginning. All right. Sorry about that, guys. That was a bad fucking idea. Holy shit. Oh, the only thing worse than that would be eating like a mouthful of hair. All right. Badass Russian pilot. Oh, you guys got to see this video. You got to see this video. I actually got her name. Her name is Svetlana. How great is that

name? Svetlana. Cappanina. Svetlana Cappanina, right? Dear Bill, the red burron. Oh, like the red baron. I get it. Ah, that's not bad. Since you're a pilot now, I thought you might find this video interesting. Even though I have my license, I do not consider myself. I am a novice, dude. I'm still fucking learning here, obviously. Okay. The Russian pilot is considered the pilot of the century. Oh, she's considered the pilot of the century. According to RT News, she is one of the world's most honored aeronauts. Check out the video below. It's a cockpit view of her flying acrobatics around the Black Sea. Lookwise, she is a Russian 7, but when you factor in her pilot skills, she

becomes a perfect 10. Well, a Russian 7 is a fucking at least an eight and a half or a nine anywhere else in the world. They're gorgeous. Seriously, though, this video shows that the Soviets were on to something when they used women as combat pilots in World War II. I didn't know that, by the way. The Germans didn't have a chance against the night witches. I got to look some shit up on that. I hope my internet came back. These fucking dickheads. I paid for it here. Let's see here. Night witches. I got to read about this, but watch the video. We'll post it. And the shit that this person is doing is like just the level of G's. Like, you ever see those guys like when they just auditioning to see if they can be a jet pilot?

And, you know, they sent them around that fucking whatever. It's like that carnival ride that you always go on, except it's way faster. And they end up like passing out and shit how she doesn't pass out and knows where the hell she's going. I actually got dizzy watching it. She's fucking unbelievable. All right, night witches, everybody. Night witches is the English translation of some fucking German word that I can't fucking pronounce. Or World War II German nickname. For the female military aviators of the 588th Night Bomber Regiment, known as the 46th Tom and Guy blah, blah, blah, blah. How come they haven't made a movie about this? Is it because it's the Russians in the Cold War? Jesus Christ. This has Meryl Streep written

all over it. You know they wanted to do it and instead they did a league of their own. Because the fucking wall hadn't come down in Germany yet. It's a fucking amazing. This is amazing. It should be a movie. They must have made one already. The regiment flew harassment bombing and precision bombing missions against the German military from 1942 to the end of the war. All right, this is creepy. How did the Germans know that it was a guy or a woman? You know what happened is they shot one down. They ran over to see if they were still alive. And if they were, they killed them. And then in the end they realized it was a woman. How the fuck did they know? I never understood that. How you got to know your enemy that well?

Like you knew that that was the... Like when they're dropping bombs on you, you're sticking your head out. It looks like the 588th Night Bomber Regiment. All right, the Night Regiment, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. They threw over 400, 800 admissions by the end of the war and 23 having been awarded... 23 of them were awarded the Hero of the Soviet Union title. 30 of its members died in combat. The regiment flew in wood and canvas by planes. Oh, that's why. Oh, Jesus. They fucked them over. They didn't give them a nice planes. A 1928 design intended for use as training aircraft and for crop dusting. And to this day, the most produced biplane in all of aviation. Oh, my God. Dude, Joseph Style, he didn't give a fuck.

He'd sacrifice 200,000 fucking of his own goddamn people to get another 100 yards. He didn't give a shit. And put the broads up in those old fucking planes. Do it or I'll fucking have you killed. It worked all right. It worked. He beat their fucking asses. Couldn't beat the people in Finland, though, could he? I still have those fucking broccoli shit in my mouth. I'm going to read more about that, man. That's very interesting. Thank you for that email. All right, what are we up to? 58 minutes. All right, let's get in the last fucking thing here. Let's get the last fucking read in here. All right, girlfriend with too many guy friends. Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry. I'm still dealing with the broccoli here. Girlfriend with too many guy friends. Hey, old Dr. Bill. I'm a 21 year old college student, and I started dating this girl at my school five months ago. Things seem to be going great, but unfortunately, we've been away from each other this summer because we're from different states. We talk almost every day, but there are some days when I never hear from her at all. I just see her posting different things she does with their friends on social media. I wouldn't have a problem with it, except, hang on a second, what the fuck broccoli? It's just never done. I'm sorry. Guys, I promise I won't eat again on the podcast. It's really rude. I know.

I know it's horrible. Sorry. We talked about, I wouldn't have a problem with it except the majority of the time it's with a group of dudes. She's always hanging out with about five of her friends who are all guys. And then a handful of times there's other girls there. Every time I see her post something about them, I feel jealous and angry that she's spending all this time with other guys. Not only that, but her most recent post was on a boat with all these guys wearing probably her most revealing bikini. I haven't met any of these guys, so I definitely don't trust any of them. And whenever she's with them and I text her, she takes hours to respond or even waits to the next day. I want to bring it up how I feel about that, but I don't want to make it feel like I'm

telling her who she can and can't hang out with. So what do you think I should do? Bring it up that I don't like how she hangs out with other guys or just shut the fuck up and trust that she's not up to anything. It would be great to hear from Nia, what Nia thinks, to get a female perspective too. I wish she was here right now because you're going to get my perspective. Anyway, sorry for the long email. Hopefully I didn't use too many big words for you. Go fuck yourself. What do I think about that? Yeah, that's kind of weird. I mean, what would she think if you were fucking hanging out with like five other broads, and you were wearing a Speedo and you got didn't get back to her the next day, she probably think that you were fucking around,

right? So I would just I would just say to us, hey, listen, I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but, you know, when you post, you know, when you're hanging out, you seem to only be hanging out with other guys, you're on boats, you're wearing skimpy bikinis, it's making me feel uncomfortable here. All right, she's like, try and just go look, I'm just communicating that it kind of makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, this is real difficult without you seeming like you're fucking checking in on or being like a jerk, but just just ask her just so let me ask you this. If you know if I didn't if I text you and I didn't get back, you text me and I didn't get back to you for a whole fucking 24 hours. All right. And then you see a picture on Facebook and I'm

standing there with my ball bag all in a bunch, you know, all wadded up like a fucking packed parachute. Hanging out with like five chicks on a boat. I mean, wouldn't you kind of be like, you know, dude, what the fuck? Just ask her am I out of line here? Then also tell her to and please tell me, you know, if you're not feeling it anymore and you want to hook up with other guys, just let me know early on. So you know, the heartache is way less, just let me know. All right. But I dude, I don't think that it's weird that you're uncomfortable with that that is fucking weird. You know, hanging out with five guys and you're most revealing fucking bikini give me a you know what the fuck you're doing. No, those are just my guy friends.

All right. Now I'm getting annoyed. Huh? What are you a fucking attention whore? What's I'm gonna say all the shit that you can't say to him. This is all the shit you're thinking and you're totally justified to think of it. And don't listen to any fucking broads who tell you anything different because if you were doing it, they give you the exact same fucking shit. All right, I got my foot on this one. All right, just ask her just ask her what is what's, you know, don't stew in the tone that I'm doing it, but you gotta ask what the fuck's going on here. You know, honey, with all due respect, I mean, you fucking it looks like you're in a sausage factory there. You know, wearing your little skimpy fucking outfit. What's going on? The

be one thing if you were there with one of your girlfriends, even then I'm thinking a little five on two action, right? What's going on? I don't want to tell you, dude, that's that's a fucked up situation. It might be just how she likes you. Maybe I don't like other girls. I don't get along with other girls. Maybe one of those fucking people. Oh, really? You like hanging out with guys? Well, why don't you do it with some fucking clothes on? How about that? You know, how about this? Can we can we make a rule that, you know, you got to put on some fucking clothes when you hang out with these guys? How about that? Because, you know, you're just going to get pissed and then you're gonna start hanging out with some chicks and just to piss her off, you're going to

start taking fucking pictures and now return her fucking text for a day and you start doing that childish shit, rather than just getting right to the fucking meat of the heart of the matter there, right? The meat of the matter. Look at this. That's how much instead of saying the heart, I said the meat, that's how much I'm fucking eating these vegetables. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Anyways, people, if you enjoy this podcast, all right, and you'd like to donate without having to donate, next time you're going to buy something on Amazon.com, go to billbird.com, click on the merchandise page, click on the Amazon fucking link, and it just takes you right there. And I get credit for driving traffic to

their site. They kick me a little dough. It doesn't cost you any extra fucking money. If you don't want to do it, I completely understand. So anyways, that is the podcast for this week. I'm happy to be fucking stone sober and getting in shape. But today was a bad one. I probably should have been more uplifting for people who are trying to do it. You're going to have these fucking nights, but I will tell you this. I am, I'm going to finish this fucking plate, a fucking broccoli and cauliflower and all that horseshit. And tomorrow morning, you know what, as much as this sucks, I'm going to feel like a million bucks, and my stomach's going to be a little flatter, right? You got to be willing to sacrifice. Jesus Christ. You know what,

I'm so fucking bummed out right now. I can't even fucking, I actually know it's funny. Once the English people told me that bummed out means you got fucked in the ass. I can't even say that anymore. Well, what's, what is the real word that I'm trying to say? I'm a little melancholy right now. I'm melancholy with the cauliflower. Anyway, sorry about that. That's the podcast for this week. As always, thanks for listening. Everybody in Ottawa that showed up, man. That was fucking cool as shit, man, to actually perform outside. I have a whole new perspective on it. It made me think of that cool fucking story Joe Bartnick told me about Robin Williams. And it actually, I don't know, kind of reminded me like, Hey, you know,

you will put here to do this. So quit your fucking whining. You know, what's the matter? It's not a perfect situation. You're fucking baby. Get out there and give them a goddamn show. Then you have a great fucking time. It was awesome. It was fucking awesome. So thank you everybody in Ottawa. And now it's on to Montreal, the Montreal Comedy Festival. And I'm doing three goddamn comedy jams and I'm doing three standup shows. And we're going to be up there with the lovely Nia and we're going to be enjoying Montreal. I'm doing three songs playing drums for three fucking songs. And I was actually putting my putting pressure on myself for that like fucking practicing and all that shit. And then I finally

remembered like, Hey, isn't playing drums just something you do for fun, Bill? Why don't you work a little more in the standup back to K instead of the fucking so whatever. So I'm probably going to fuck up. I know I'm going to fuck up the songs in some way shape or form, but I'm going to have a good time. So that is it. That's a podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. DraftKings fucking grow up. Don't be a bunch of goddamn babies. If you're smart, you'll continue advertising here and you'll make some money. If not, you know, thanks for being here for the time you were. All right, go fuck yourselves, everyone. And that he is reliable, you know that. Above all, you now enjoy a four-year warranty

on your certified second-hand car. BMW Premium Selection. Trust your instinct, follow your mind. Information and information on bmw.be