Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-20-20

Episode Date: July 20, 2020

Bill rambles about MOTOGP, young people, and pot roasts.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 19th. Oh, sorry, July 20th, 2020. What's going on? How are you? How are you? Oh, I got a couple of emails. I got one that's really going to get me going. I almost want to read it right out of the fucking gate. In fact, I think I might just right out of the fucking gate. It isn't this fucking idiot. He goes, stop bitching about people going to the beach. Billy Beach bitching Byrne. Congrats on your new kid. Your quarantine experience just keeps getting better and better. You have a wife who keeps your company and occasionally fucks you. God knows why. You have two kids who love you and need to take care of. You

have a garage with a kit that you can jam on without bothering your neighbors and you can make money doing podcasts at home. Now, let me tell you about my situation. See, this is what he really wanted to talk about. I love how having a kid during a fucking pandemic is this wonderful thing. I probably took three years off of my life stressing out about what would happen if we go into the hospital, we get it, are we going to be quarantined, all of that. I mean, having a kid. This is all young person shit. You got a kid. They're talking to me like, I just went out and picked up a fucking PlayStation. Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah, kid I need to take care of. Yeah, 24 fucking seven. Jesus Christ. Yeah, tell me

how the world works there, youngster. Here we go. Now, let me tell you about my situation. Okay, here we go. Cue the violence. I'm a single guy in my early 20s who lives alone in the United States of America in an apartment with paper thin walls. Oh, no playing my guitar with the amp on it all. Okay, do you think I was never your age? How old are you? I literally I slept on a futon till I was 36. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. I had no wife, no kids. I had a fucking futon. I was living in a what did I have a studio that they called a one bedroom and they were fucking me on the rent. And guess what? I had paper thin walls and I could hear the arguments and smell the food. So I don't know what you're talking

about. I already paid those dues. So don't fucking talk to me like I leapfrog this part of my life. All right, moving ahead. I haven't gotten laid in more than three months. And by the way, when your wife's in the final trimester and then has a kid, yeah, you're not having sex. Okay, that's just basically it. All right. Okay, so I haven't gotten laid in more than three months because of this virus. And I get lonely spending all my time in my shitty apartment. Poor baby. Oh, I feel so bad for you. It's got it has to be so hard. It has to be so fucking hard. Go up Postmates. He has 24 seven free porn sitting on his fucking. Dude, and I'm not even saying don't go outside. I'm just saying wear a fucking mask. You dumb

cunts. That's it. All right, and to top it all up. This is to top it all up. Okay, so he has food. He has shelter. He has a guitar and an amp, but he can't use the amp. And he has paper thin walls paper thin everybody. Like if he leaned on them, they'd literally fall down. I mean, to top it all off, we have no clue when this shit is going to end. Gee, I wonder why that is. It could be years. Yeah, if you keep going out without a mask. If you're at risk, you can get your groceries delivered and wear a mask, but I don't need old fucks like you who have some shit going for them telling me that I shouldn't be going to bars in the beach. See this guy right here. You know what this guy is? This guy is a future

banker or hopefully he's not a future banker or gets a job in a corporate office. I just I don't want to see it. I don't know. You want to go out and kill people's grandparents because you can't play your guitar with an with an amp. Yet selfish so fucking what it's worth the risk. What worth what risk? It's not worth the risk. You're not making a risk. You're young. It's really not going to affect you when you don't give a shit. I'd rather live a fun life with with a small chance of illness than be healthy and live a shitty depressing life. Go fuck yourself. Sign the horny kids of America. All right, this guy right here is a fucking lunatic. First of all, I love how he signs it the horny kids

of America like he's speaking for all of them. Like they all said, okay, this is what we want you to say. All right, well, I mean, I'm not going to waste my time trying to fucking convince you not to go out and do that. I will bring up a couple of points here. When will you say who knows when this is going to end? Probably never with people like yourself out there behaving the way you're behaving. However, it probably could have been over in two, two and a half months. It could have been the middle of March beginning of June. We could have already been back to normal and we have to keep hitting the reset button. Okay. I don't think it's 100% because of young people. I think it's been politicized and

all of that type of stuff. So I don't know. It sounds to me like you have a fucking awesome life. You live near the beach. You have a guitar and amp. You have a you have a fucking apartment. I mean, you live in the life, dude. I don't know what the problem is. You got 24 seven free porn. I mean, I don't know what else do you need? You got video games, the level of video games that you guys have. I mean, you might as well be in the fucking game. But I guess I feel your pain. I don't want to be that grumpy old guy. But yeah, that sounds like that's really tough, man. I don't know. I don't Jesus. I don't know how you're you know, I love how you just wrote me that email. Like I was watching one of those old

Sally Strother commercials where I'm looking at starving kids in Africa. Whatever, go out, go cough on an old person, man. Do do do what you want. This is the one thing, though. You know, if this thing does go however fucking long it's going to go, you know, in whatever sort of country is left after this, where we've really showed ourselves like, you know, to win a championship, you know, you got to have, you know, everybody's got to buy in and all it takes is a couple people in the locker room not to buy in and you're not going to win anything. And that's the problem that we have right now. And this is the I don't think it's all young people. And I know that kid was just sort of breaking

my balls, but there is a certain level of responsibility that you're supposed to be having. And, you know, listen, if I was back living in my little fucking, you know, studio that they called the fucking went bedroom those cunts, I would definitely be going out of my mind way more out of my mind. But I also wouldn't be married with two fucking kids. I wouldn't be dealing with that bullshit either. So it's sort of a trade off. I think, I don't know, but I will tell you that I would not be, um, I don't know how I was wired. I would not have gone out and just been like, well, hey, fuck it. If I get this virus that could or could not, you know, mutate into something more severe, I don't think I would just be

like, fuck it. If I get it, I get it. I would like to think I wouldn't, but maybe I'm this fucking old guy looking back and saying, Hey, when I was your age, I was totally responsible. I, I, I wasn't. So I don't know. Maybe you're right on some level, but dude, can you just at least try to stay six feet away from people? Can you at least do that? Bring your fucking guitar down to the God? It's not that people are going to the beach. It's that they go to the beach, putting a fucking blanket down right next to other people or all those lunatics out there in a story of Queens having a fucking street fair and nobody's wearing masks. Um, I don't know. I mean, if it's, if that's, I guess your way of clawing your way to the

top by killing all the old people, I don't know. And what the fuck do I know? I don't work for the CDC. So I'm done. You know what? Just do whatever the fuck you want to do. Um, all I can say is just overall, just a fucking embarrassing showing. This is just a bad season. Um, oh my God. I mean, it's like, it's watching us trying to just fucking get on the same page and, and try and just, you know, I don't know why you just, you wouldn't listen to the doctors, why you listen to the news, you know, or politicians. I don't know why you would do that. Why don't you just listen to the people who are actually working on it and, uh, the level of selfishness to just, if I get it, I get it. And then like,

how tired are the people working at the hospitals? And then you go out and get it and then you come in, Oh, I'm American. Fix me. Um, I'm not going to lie to you. There was a part of me that wished that a more severe version of it came out and started killing these fucking idiots, not old people, not people trying to live by the rules, but these people who just don't give a shit. Um, then I was just like, well, then eventually they don't become and get me. So I don't, I don't root for that. So whatever, buddy, I mean, if that's what you want to fucking do. Um, and I think as long as there's people like you doing what you're doing that then it could quite possibly take two years. So let's all root for the

scientists because evidently people can't fucking, you know, two and a half months. That's all they need. Two and a half months, 60, 70 fucking days is all you needed. And it's like trying to put my daughter's shoes on when she's in a bad mood, something that should literally take like fucking two seconds, ends up taking like fucking, you know, a seven minute meltdown. So all right. All right. Enjoy your young life. Yeah. Fuck everybody, but you, and I just hope you drop that sort of outlook on life. If you actually get a job where you're managing people's money or I don't know doing cosmetic dentistry, dentistry, pulling out teeth that don't need to be pulled out because you want to get a jet ski. Um,

I don't know. I don't know you, but I don't think you're a good person. Maybe you are. I don't fucking know. I have no idea. I was kind of with you until you said on behind when you acted like he was speaking for all these other people. I'm like, Oh my God, when are you running for president? That seems to be the new thing. Um, anyway, what the fuck do I know? I let's let's do some good news here. All right. Let's talk MotoGP is back baby. It's the Fabio Catoraro. Is that how you say it? Catorado, Catoraro. Um, first Frenchman to win, uh, was it the Spanish grand prix? Is that what the hell I just watched? What a fucking unbelievable race. People, if you want to get into racing, I've been saying it

forever. MotoGP is where it's at. Um, Mark Marquez, Mac Marquez. Um, it was one of the most incredible races I've seen as far as just the level of drama. Um, Mark Marquez once again had one of the greatest saves I've ever seen on a bike. Um, he was in some turn or whatever and the, the bike started, he, he, he was leaning too far down. I know I don't know shit about the sport. He literally is now on the ground sliding with his bike and he always does this. He just takes his outside foot, he lifts it up to sort of balance himself and he somehow pops up onto the bike, goes into the gravel and went into the gravel I think and then popped it back up. Everybody blows by him thinking like, all right, well,

he's out of the fucking race and he ends up in like 15th or 17th place and I have to be honest with you, he basically showed that he is just a far superior rider. This, him and everybody else, this guy worked his way from like 17th, 16th, 17th place all the way up to third place, like a movie, like this shit happens in the movie. And then by the way, the race was only like 22 laps or something and he got up to third place. If not second I can't remember. I think he got into second place. Yeah, he got into second place and then I think the same turn he ended up high siding, went over the top of the bike and I hope he's not too hurt. It looked like his right wrist or his right arm or his shoulder

and they put him in a neck brace, which I'm hoping was just for precautionary measures and who knows, but it was just a ridiculously exciting race and I was watching the race. I looked at my phone like an asshole when I woke up this morning, look at Instagram and I saw that Fabio had won and I was like, oh shit, I go, I go, all right, and I was looking for Mark Marquez and I kind of forgot that he wasn't in the top three or whatever. So when I was watching the race, I was like, holy shit, he must, he must have this great battle with Catturaro towards the end. And then all of a sudden he just went over the top of his high side of his bike and I literally was sitting there with Mike. My wife was in

the other room. I went like, that was that into the fucking race. It's embarrassing, but I did. And I literally had like my fucking head in my hands, watching. She was like, why, why, why? I was just, oh, this guy wiped out his motorcycle. That is not a noise that you want to hear when you've got a couple of small kids is here, your partner in the other room going, you're like, oh fuck, what happened? What happened? Now that I'm watching a motorcycle race, it's when you get the punch in the shoulder, you fucking asshole. So I'm hoping that he's okay. But I really have to tell you, as far as my limited knowledge of racing or whatever, like Mark Marquez is, is the best there is right now. And I'd actually

put him ahead of Lewis Hamilton simply because of, um, there's just way more passing and just way more competition in MotoGP. And I just feel like the Mercedes Benz team combined with Lewis Hamilton was fucking amazing. And one of the greatest drivers ever, of course, it's just, um, I don't know, it's just, it's, MotoGP is just so far, I hate to say it because I love F1, it's just so fucking, it's so, it's so much better. And if you live in the United States, the only place unfortunately you can watch it, which isn't bad though, it's just on your computer, but if you got an Apple TV or whatever, you know, be somehow fucking, I don't know what you do with your wireless things, all you kids figure that shit

out. Um, it doesn't matter anymore, right? I guess, I guess everybody's watching TV on their laptops now. I'm still the dope. I have like direct TV and like a fucking $200 a month bill when I get a UFC fight. Um, I don't know. I don't know if that's a low self-esteem thing because I'm like, I don't need, I'm not going to be able to figure it out. I think that's why I just stay with it. I sometimes I wonder if direct TV is just sitting at home going like, like, how long is this asshole going to keep paying us? Doesn't he realize he can just watch all this shit on his fucking computer? Um, but I am, I'm a fucking old man and I, I, as I do in the email set, I hope, you know, I don't know, I kind of feel bad about fucking shit on that kid. I don't

want to be that dick, but Jesus Christ, buddy. I mean, can you do it for America? Can you just wear a fucking mask, sit down on the beach, frag a couple of fucking wieners with your fucking guitar amp on? Dude, you're playing guitar, you live on the beach. I mean, that's why you should be playing it. Be a little Pied Piper and lead the fuck, lead them back to your place. I don't want you to not get laid. I'm on your side. I want you to be able to go out and enjoy your youth. I don't want you to spend it behind the fucking mask for the next two years. Just stay inside for fucking, for fuck's sakes, Jesus Christ, whatever, whatever, or maybe, maybe, maybe, hey, wait a minute, maybe this is like a big nature thing, you know, survival of the fittest, you know, and we're going to find out.

All right. If fittest means the youngest or fittest means the smartest, because he's got youth and I have experience, but I'm fucking old and he's young, right? That's an interesting match-up right there, huh? Can he just power his way through with youth or can I be that crafty veteran and figure out not to have Mother Nature send the grim reaper my way? We shall see, we shall see. Whatever, who gives a shit? Fuck, I don't give a fuck anymore. I've given up, given up hope. My boy, DeVizioso came in third place, wrote a very, very smart race. I feel like he just hung in fifth place, saving his tires, and then when he needed to, he got himself on the podium. Vinyales got second, but I have to tell you, Marc Marquez just, he blew by all some of the best riders. I mean,

it's MotoGP, the best riders in the world. He rode by, and I'm talking all the way up to second place. The, and there was a couple of gaps. Like, there was a gap with Valentino Rossi between where he was at. He picked like a soft tire. Him and somebody else, that Maverick guy, they picked a soft front tire, which ended up being a big mistake. It was a huge gamble and it kind of fucked him over. But when he went around, what's his face? Valentino Rossi, there was like a two or three second gap or something. The guy closed it in, I don't know, it felt like two laps. And then there was the next clump of traffic and he just blew by all of them. And the announcers were trying to claim that they were like, assuming that when Marquez went into the gravel that that was the end of his day. But

there was never a caution flag. And it doesn't take him that long to go around the track and the bike wasn't there. I mean, I don't know. That would be pretty wild though, if they thought that he wasn't in the race and all of a sudden he came back up and passed him again. I mean, I was watching that shit that looked like that, you know, it was like stroke a race on fucking on motorcycles. I know that's a really old reference to the Bert Reynolds stock car movie from I don't know fucking when the early 80s. I love Bert Reynolds. Anyway, so there you go. Hey, young people, horny young people, there's something that you can do inside on your laptops. All right. Oh, Billy, get off my lawn, Burr. Oh, Billy, get off your lawn and get back inside Burr.

I really become a grumpy old man. All right. Pot roast, everybody. I made a fucking pot roast. I went old school. I've been just cooking up a fucking storm. And I was trying to think of just what else could I make? And you know, I've been pretty much sticking with the healthy recipes that I got. And then every once in a while, I dip into my mom's cookbook, you know, she she wrote them all out. Every fucking recipe times all the kids she had by hand and gave it to us for Christmas. That's the kind of mom I have, right? So I a saint Dorothy man tooth is a saint. I so I have that for when I want to have a good time. And then I have the the old Billy showbiz diet that I try to stay on. So this one, I was like, you know, I'm gonna make a fucking pot roast, right? So I say to

my lovely wife, I say, you know, I'll make a pot roast. She went, I go, you know, like a pot roast, like pot roast was a big fucking deal. When I was a kid, we just used to call it roast beef. My mother would take out the big pot, and she put some carrots in there. You know, I think she did. She brown it all up and then have the fat side on top. I forget how to do it, right? How she did it. And then we'd have mashed potatoes and gravy with it with fucking, you know, I think we had nissen bread. Remember that shit? White bread, totally processed. And I got to tell you, that fucking meal was my favorite. Like when it was my birthday, she would make that on my birthday, right? So I say to my wife, right? I say that I'm gonna make this pot roast. She's

like, like, wait, are you like pot roast? And she's just like, just every time I have it, it's always feels like it's dry or tough or whatever. So then I'm like, all right, I have to make this thing for her, right? So I went on the internet, I looked at some recipes, and I learned all this shit about my favorite meal, because I hadn't made it. And I think I made it when I first moved to New York, when I had my walkthrough bedroom apartment up there on the Upper East Side. And I think I made it one time. And it was fucking great, because it's a bad, it's a tough cut of meat. Okay, I'll tell you, it's a rough one, okay? But you know, if you cook it right, it's fucking delicious. And then you can make roast beef sandwiches. If you buy yourself, you can eat

that thing for like a fucking week. So I was looking it up and they were talking about what a tough cut of meat was, which I didn't really know, I don't know shit, right? I don't know shit about anything, which amazes me that you guys listen to the podcast. So thank you. So I was reading up on that. And this woman actually was addressing literally the issue that my wife was talking about was she said that like, when she used to make a pot roast, it would always come out and would be tough. So she was like, you know, thinking if it was tough, you're thinking that you're over cooking it. So then each time she cook it less and it'd be tougher and tougher. And, you know, she was failing at it. And then what she did was she discovered it's no, it is a tough

cut of meat. So what you have to do is you have to cook it for a long time. It's like an hour per pound, I think. And gradually all of that shit that's in there that makes it tough, sort of when as it heats up and cooks, it melts away. And then it becomes almost like pulled pork. I looked it up, said you want like 145 degrees in the center, whatever. So I did this thing up, salted the fucker up through some onions and carrots in there, pretty much stuck to the recipe that was there. I definitely used, you know, instead of all the beef broth, I substituted like some red wine, especially when you get the bits up after you brown the vegetables. And then I made some garlic mashed potatoes and a little bit of olive oil. Oh my God,

it was fucking delicious. And today I made a sandwich out of it. I heated the fucking roast beef up at that point, I chopped it all up, diced it all up, heated that up, heated up some potatoes, piece of bread, lettuce, and then how I used to make when I was a kid mayonnaise ketchup and pickles, like a fucking steak and cheese that I used to like to have it that way. And it was fucking delicious. I'm not going to lie to you, after I ate it, I had to sit down with the potatoes, and there was a potatoes red meat with white potatoes were just done. I think a sweet potato, you're a little bit better, but underrated, under fucking rated is a fucking pot roast, man. How many people you can feed? How happy you can make people?

And it really just took me back, as when I was a kid, all the great meals that I had when I was growing up, like that was the that was a pot roast was like the Cadillac, you know, you had the getting through, you know, I've talked about this shit before, you had to get through the week, you know, meals, we have a big family, chicken out of the king, chip, beef on toast. You know, we used to eat the fucking, you know, the Kraft macaroni and cheese, heat those fuckers up. I remember when I got in the middle school, the biggest fucking deal in the world was Steakham's and coming home. And I'd be in class, not listening to the teacher, get called on, have no idea what they were talking about. Get fucking balled out, as we used to say it back in the day, get

fine, you know why they even said I got fucking balled out, man, my teacher's a fucking douchebag, he fucking balled me out, right? So I remember I'd be sitting in class thinking about making the Steakham that I was going to make when I got home, I get called on, I wouldn't know what they were talking about, then I'd get in trouble. And I just wish for the fucking comedy. When they called on me, if I just had the fucking the wherewithal and the poise, I wish I had the fucking poise in middle school to just be like, I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Hey, what are you thinking about? I'm thinking about this Steakham. My mom bought some Steakhams. It's a brand new box. So I know there's going to be some left when I get home. And I was just

thinking I'm going to fry that thing up. And it's going to taste like a cheeseburger. I'm going to put a little, you know, I'm going to put a little ketchup on it. I'm going to stick it on two pieces of white bread and I'm going to eat it while I watch Deputy Dog and it's going to be awesome. That's what I was thinking about. But what were you up there talking about with the Adams? Get me caught up. I would be a legend. But instead, what did I do? I tried to bullshit my way through it and then it would never fucking work. So anyway, underrated. Try it out, everybody, because they're getting ready to fucking lock us down here again in LA. It's a great cut of meat, very easy to make. Brown up your veggies, you know, stick the fucker in, brown it up, pour in your beef broth, a little

bit of fucking red wine and let that fucker go. Put the lid on your Dutch oven, underrated Dutch oven. I'm trying to think of I ever made a bad meal in a Dutch oven. It's almost impossible to fucking do it. I mean, you can do it. I probably did it back in the day. But everything I've ever stuck in in the whatever the fuck you call it, the big Dutch ovens, I don't know what people have like a zillion different names for. And I don't know, I'm fascinated with all of that type of cooking, though. You ever see those people that have like the real old school one, the cast iron fucking looking those black ones and they just stack them on top of each other? It looks like a giant fucking Hummel that you're pulling out. And they're in the middle of fucking nowhere.

And they're just cooking up some of the sickest fucking meals out in the wilderness you've ever seen in your life. And I always just thought like, while they were cooking, you know, when you think about a grizzly bear, you know, or like mountain lions and shit, you know, the reason why this they're in such great shape, although bears look like they they always look like they could lose a few. But they're kind of stocky. But the fucking are they reminds me of so this fucking YouTube video with this fucking. What's what is the deal with black bears? They're dead. I know they kill people, but they just seem like they just don't have the confidence of a fucking bear

when they run into a person because this fucking guy was walking around the side of a garage and the other bear. I don't know if it was a black bear. It didn't seem that big for a bear, right? As opposed to a grizzly that's like fucking eight feet tall. Maybe it was like a teenager, you know, maybe that bear has a guitar with an amp that it can't play in its fucking it's layer and they had to go down to the fucking river or something. Anyways, this guy's walking around one side of his house, the bears walking around the other side of house. There's somebody videoing it and nobody gives the guy the heads up. They both walk turn around the corner and they fucking run into each other and they both fucking turn 180 and go back to the

what where they were with the direction they were coming from. But here's the difference. Like the guy keeps going back in the direction he went in. They both did the yeah, yeah, and they fucking turned around. But the bear on the other hand, he walked about like another couple steps and went like, wait a minute, I'm a fucking bear. And he turned back around. I don't know if he wasn't hungry or he was so fucking. That's the funny thing though about these were all the way up to lions and tigers is if you surprise them that they don't give a shit. They don't have any like pride is no pun intended. No pride as far as like like human beings. Like if you give people somebody catches, especially as a guy catches

you being scared, you get all kinds of shit. Like you can be fucking scared to death as a lion and just run away and nobody gives a fuck. That's the deal. I'm gonna yeah, I guess it's fight or flight. They have no fucking problem being scared. Like I think because like just the level of murder and horrible death that's going like every talks about the beauty of nature as far as the YouTube that I'm watching like it like I watch those fucking behind the scenes saying quitting now it doesn't seem as bad as to me is as bad as what the fuck goes on in there. There is nothing worse than being a deer and getting caught by one of those fucking Komodo dragons. And it snaps your fucking legs so you can't run. And then it doesn't wait for you to die.

It just starts eating. I mean, there's nothing fucking worse than that. All right. Well, yeah, I mean, I guess getting raped in the ass and then living through it. All right, whatever, you know, I find those whole podcast is improvised. I'm not everything nothing. Everything fucking makes sense. All right, there you go. What would you rather have happen? Get raped. I like raped in the ass. You gotta you gotta give all the raped in the ass in San Quentin. All right. You live. Okay, so you got to carry that fucking memory. And then you're going to get paroled and get the fuck out of there. You know, or you fucking Komodo dragon bites your leg breaks it in half, and then just starts eating your guts. And you're dead within fucking, you know,

10 excruciating minutes. What would you choose? You can write in to the Monday morning podcast. I want to know what you would choose. What the fuck would I choose? I mean, there's nothing worse than I mean, that's a close. I was gonna say it's nothing worse than death. Jesus Christ. I would so rather get killed by a bear, even those things, even though what the fuck those things do to you, there's just something that you know what it is. It's the lack of emotion from a lizard or a reptile. Like, you know, as scary as a fucking lion is, they have the decent to just grab you by the neck. Okay. And then they just sit there. And they just sit and you're just like, All right, my next in the mouth of a fucking lion. This is it. You know, you get to say you pray

to whatever you believe in. I had a great run. You know, I saw all four of my teams win a championship. I made a pot roast. It wasn't tough, right? And then you just fucking die. As opposed to like so many of the goddamn like a fucking even a bear, at least, you know, I don't know what those fucking goddamn Komodo drag. I saw one grab one of those little fucking, one of those little fucking wild pigs. And somehow the thing got loose and took off. And I could not fucking believe how fast those Komodo dragons could run. And I have seen like videos of Komodo dragons chasing deer while people are standing around watching them. And it's like, I don't know what sort of like negotiating that was done,

what sort of understanding that they have, they got a reptilian brain. So it's not even fucking say, Hey, I got a gun and blow one of the fucking Komodo dragons brains out. You like that? Bam. You want some of this? You know, they just sit there with their stupid fucking tongue going in and out the next day. If they got a chance, they're going to do it, right? I don't know, build the bears learn their lessons. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. The hell was I going with this? I don't know. That was that was many minutes ago. Who the fuck knows? All right, let's let's do a little bit of let's do some ad reads here. Some ad reads. I'm so a motor GP. They got another race. They got another race next week. So I'm so fucking excited. I'm so excited that it's back.

And oh, speaking of that, you know what? I did the other day, I went up, I did a little helicopter lesson. I had the best fucking time. You know, we, uh, we flew out to the middle of nowhere. And I was, we were just practicing all these different like maneuvers and stuff like my instructor would have me have the nose pointed, we'd see like a rock or some shit or whatever, scrape where we were flying. There's like a little bit of pavement that goes into like dirt, right? Wide open area. And, uh, you'd be like, all right, you see that little scratch right there? Yeah, I see it. He goes, all right, I want you to fly all the way around it, just having the nose pointed at it. And there was a like a 15 knot wind and, uh, he was doing it just effortlessly.

So we were working on that. And then like, you know, flying a square, you know, with your nose pointed in the same direction. So it's, you'd go out like whatever, straight up, 30 yards, then go to the side, 30 backwards, 30 and back over to where you started in 30, just making a big square all with the nose pointed that way. And then in the end, we did the same square and I had to be doing pirouettes the entire time. Um, and I had so much fun. We did auto rotations, just all of that stuff. And, um, I cannot tell you how much I missed it and how excited I was to be back doing it. And, uh, you know, and by the way, I made sure before I went up, the person I went with got tested. I've been tested. So we were fine. Um, and we went in to

where we were renting. We wore fucking masks and then we came out and then we were good. All right. So there you go. All right. Before all the young people give me shit. But even then, I don't know what the fuck that guy did, right? So maybe I'm an asshole too. You know what? Fuck it. Maybe I'm an asshole too. I'm definitely an asshole, but maybe I'm hypocritical. I don't know. Probably. Yeah. If you ask my wife, she'd definitely agree with you. So, um, all right, whatever. Go scientists, come up with the fucking cure. Uh, young people, politically charged people, just make, can you make an effort? How about that? Can we meet in the middle? Make a fucking effort. All right. Whoop. Whoop is a fitness. Okay. Here we go.

Doing the reads here. All right. Whoop. Whoop is a fitness, um, wearable that whoop. There it is. What? Whoop. Whoop. Whoop is a fitness wearable that provides personalized insights on the performance of your sleep, how recovered you are and how much stress you put on your body throughout the day from both your workouts and the normal stressors of life. Whoop. Has been using respiratory rate to help members detect potential signs of illness before another symptom develops or other symptoms develop. That's incredible. Uh, whoop can help anyone perform better, better, whether it's, uh, preparing for a golf match, race, meeting, et cetera. Whoop can help plan. I like how they just think the regular person is preparing for a golf match or a race,

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All right. What do we got here? I think that's it. All right. All I have now is just the questions. That's all I got. All right. Fucking ad-oh from South Africa. What is ad-oh? Is that, is that like, I don't know if that's a greeting? If that's, am I saying something bad about people? I was getting nervous here. Ad-oh meaning. Africa. Ad-oh. The ad-oh's is part of the African diaspora in America. What? What in the, I'm at the urban dictionary, so I don't know. It's a term coined by Yvette Carnell and lawyer Antonio Moore. It is an acronym for American descendants of slavery. Jesus. See, this is why I look shit up. All right. Fucking ad-oh from South

Africa. So you're a fucking American descendant of slavery from South Africa. Wait a second. If you're in South Africa, oh, you left? Anyway, I don't know what the fuck is going on here. Why don't you read it, Bill? Okay. Dear Bill Bald. Oh, dear Bill Bald as his newborn baby burr. My wife is given because I shaved my beard off. My, my, my, you know, it's just the summertime, man. I want to feel my face, man. So I shaved it off. And she was laughing, saying, you look just like your son. I got two babies now. I am currently, so you're 100% accurate, sir. I'm currently working the night shift and I have to drive 65 kilometers home every night. Okay. 80 kilometers is 50 miles an hour, right? I'm trying to do when I watch racing. I try and

figure out how fast they're going. Every 80 is 50. So 65. So he's driving like 40 miles, I guess. Or I could just look it up. Hey, let's look it up. 65 kilometers. 65 km to miles, Davis. All right. 40.3891. Look at that. See? Watching racing. Everybody thinks it makes you dumb. It doesn't. All right. All they do is just drive around in a circle. All right. This guy's driving 40 miles, two in from work, 65 kilometers for the rest of the world. I don't know why we just don't do that. 65 kilometers home every night through the little no wonder we can't be no wonder we can't beat this fucking virus here in America. No wonder we couldn't even fucking handle switching from the standard to metric. It's too hard. All right. That should have been, that was foreshadowing

that we weren't going to be able to do it. Okay. Well, Bill, here's a question. Can you get through this fucking email without taking another left turn? Fair enough. Fair enough. All right. I'm currently working the night shift and I have to drive 65 kilometers home every night through the literal fucking wilderness. Well, that's going to be scary out there, like antelope and shit everywhere. As long as there's nothing chasing it. Jesus Christ. He goes, I used to listen to music on my way home every night, but now I only listen to you. It's the only thing keeping me awake. Oh, Jesus. I got responsibility here. By the way, I'm blind as a fucking bat and my specs are broken. Only one arm is attached. So imagine

a 30 year old single lady driving home to her two cats. I'm guessing that this Addo, I don't, I don't know if this is fucking the same thing. I don't think that's the same thing. So imagine a 30 year old single lady driving home to her two cats and 200 house plants laughing with a smoke in one hand. Dude, you sound like a fucking badass to me. This might be ACDC, highway to hell when they would drive across Australia from Perth to go to some gig in Brisbane or some shit. I don't know where they were going. Trying to keep her glasses on her face in the pitch dark with fucking antelope on the road and shit. Thank you for the near death experiences as well as keeping me awake and alive. This says you must say pose. I don't know what that means.

Is that sound spelling? Did you tell me to go fuck myself in some language? I have no idea. Um, this is what's amazing about technology as much as I bitch about it and profit off of it by doing a fucking podcast. Once again, hypocritical bill. Um, the fact that you live that far away and you're listening to me and I'm making you laugh, I gotta tell you, I want to thank you so much for that email because I haven't heard people that I don't know laughing, which is my job in so fucking long. I never thought I would Jones. I was pretty burnt out from the road, but Jesus Christ, I was just talking to a buddy of mine who was a bass player. He goes, you want to just go fucking play a goddamn Dairy Queen up in fucking Wyoming? He was going, I'll play the fuzz bass

and you between all your jokes. I was just like, dude, I'm getting to the point. I'm ready to fucking do what I got to do something. Um, all right. Once again, I'm going nuts and I'm giving that young kid shit. I think I learned a lot about myself. I gave that young kid shit at the top of the podcast because I had to have my old man opinion. I couldn't even wait to say hello. Could I like an old man? How, how soon before I'm walking around my property in my pajamas? I don't know. All right. Cigar ice cream. Oh, speaking of that, when I went out to get some ice cream, there was a cigar shop across the street. And because my wife's cool as shit and doesn't get on me about a lot of stuff like that, she was like, Hey, baby, look across the street.

Look at that. And I was like, Oh shit. She goes, why don't you go check it out? I was like, all right. And I was like, no, no, I was like the buzzard and Bugs Bunny not going to do it. Not going to do it. I go, I'm not smoking a cigar in July. And she's like, all right, thousand one, thousand two, thousand three. I was like, all right, I'm going to go over there and check it out. And I went over and fortunately it was closed. And but I actually on my drive, I saw two places in the valley that I didn't know existed that sell cigars. And now I got to go in there and see what they got. But I'm not smoking this month. It's already 20 days in. I went a little crazy. Went a little crazy in June, but I am way, way, way down as far as like how many

cigars I've smoked a year over the past few years. All right, they're built. Does that make you feel better that we all had to listen to that as you try to talk yourself off the fucking tobacco ledge? All right, cigar ice cream. There's a spot in LA called scoops. They have a cigar flavored ice cream. Go try it out. Billy boy. Billy old boy. Why the fuck? What the fuck does cigars have to do with that? Why would I want that? I guess because I have a root beer float after I smoke a cigar. What an asshole I am. I have to look that up now. Scoops cigar flavored ice cream. What if this is the guy that opened the own scoops and this is just his way to get free advertising? Scoops cigar flavored ice cream.

How scoops ice cream changed homemade ice cream? Other than that are shocking flavors like Cuban cigar. What? I'm afraid to try that. If that combines two of my favorite fucking things in the world. Wait, is it a real Cuban? There's one of those rip offs. These days you can throw a waffle cone, find a waffle cone, blah, blah, blah. Oh, wait a minute. The guy who owns it is Asian and he's wearing those round glasses. So immediately I'm like, this is going to be the greatest ice cream ever. This guy is super smart. Sometimes like prejudice works in a positive way. I immediately think this guy is amazing at science and math and he's applied it to ice cream

and cigars and combined. I'm going there. God bless this guy. This is just a bunch of words. I'm not always suck at this shit. I have to go. I got to go. I'm going to go over there with Josh Adam Myers. Wearing masks, of course, standing six feet apart. Oh, fuck. God bless this guy. What's his name? What's his name? Where are we? I'm going to give this guy a shout out. After graduating, Kim taught. What's his, where the fuck is his goddamn name? His last name's Kim. That's like O'Reilly in fucking Ireland. Mash Team Malone's. I don't know. I have no fucking idea. All right. You know what? I'm sold. I'm going there. I'm going to try it out. All right. Tobacco pipe. Oh, you guys are killing me with all the tobacco talk. Hey, Bill, I saw you on

Rogan a few appearances ago and you talked about liking the way pipes smelled. Oh, I love them. Did you ever try it out? I did, but I couldn't keep it going. He said, I got into it about a year ago and it's wonderful. It is really a hobby with collecting pipes and the amount of work involved with smoking a pipe. It becomes part of you. Try it out if you haven't yet. There is a guy on YouTube with a good channel. His name is Muttonchop Piper. I think I used to watch him because I was trying to learn how to keep it going and I couldn't keep it going, which should be the name of my fucking autobiography. I couldn't keep it going. I had the crowd and I lost them. He has a lot of informative videos. I got a lot of great tips from his channel. Anyway,

good luck and happy piping. I have to tell you, it's since memory when I smelled tobacco pipe because both my grandfather smoked pipes and they were both amazing people. They were both self-made men who just, they were the shit. They were basically the shit. They would sit out on the porch when they would come by. I remember one of my grandfathers came and my parents got him a hand carved, and I remember as a kid even looking at it like, oh my God, there's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen and he was so excited and then he had it in his back pocket and he sat down in the car and he broke it and he was very upset and that's a sad story. All right, just remember his old man pants.

Let's back down this. Those guys all wore slacks. It just slacks 24-7. US invasions. Billy Beluga face. Hello from Jolly Old England. Well, if anybody knows about invasions, it's somebody from England. Let me know. Love the Troubadour episode. Thank you. We're going to be trying to do another one in August. Not going to try. We're definitely going to do it. That's become my pet project. If I can do something positive, obviously I'm not connecting with the youth. I will try to save, do what I can to help them stay afloat so they can continue. I recall you commenting on the US being invaded and can confirm that there has been a few, including an invasion from Britain after the US tried to invade Canada. The War of 1812. Well,

that's not how they tell the story over here. The way they tell that story is you guys were fucking still butthurt about getting your fucking asses kicked back in the 1770s. I'm sorry. The War of 1812 was a conflict. That's what you guys burned down the White House. The War of 1812, I believe, right, was a conflict fought between the United States and its allies against Great Britain and its own allies, including Native Americans that Britain was protecting. Fuck you. You weren't protecting the Native Americans. You were using them for your own fucking best interests. You fucking tea-drinking cunt. It began when the US declared war in June 1812 and ended when a peace treaty agreed earlier was ratified by the US in 1850. Notable events

include the burning of Washington. Dude, why haven't I read up on this war? There's something about powdered wigs and all that extra clothing that just bores the shit on me. I hate fucking period pieces. I almost said that Shakespeare shit like that was even remotely during the 17 and the 1800s. I don't really even know when it was. All I know is you can't write anything. I was like, oh, William Shakespeare already did that. Oh, did he? Well, maybe because no one had done it yet, which makes him a maverick. So he's still better. All right. I'll give it up to the guy. All right. Anyway, it began. Okay. Notable events included the burning of Washington. Washington, D.C., I believe is what you mean. In August 1814, the British Army assaulted Washington, causing President

Madison and the government to flee. I love how this guy writes this. You know, in the end, you guys lost because we still fucking, you didn't kick us out of anywhere, right? You didn't take us back over, right? I'm still claiming victory. Unless you were just trying to prevent us from fucking. No, you're trying to take us back over. If you burned down our capital, then come on. Anyways, they then, without we fucking blew up Germany, but then we stayed. Right? I don't know. In August 1814, the British Army assaulted Washington, causing President President, President Madison and the government to flee. They then proceeded to burn down the Capitol building that housed both the Senate and Congress. I know what it houses. After burning

the Capitol, yeah, then we burned down Parliament, which housed Margaret Thatcher. Let me fucking explain your country to you. I know she's dead now. She was, that was a tough broad there, huh? After burning the Capitol, the British, I bet there's a lot of people in Ireland wanted to fucking hate, fuck her. Oh, Jesus. What did I just start up? After burning the Capitol, the British turned Northwest up Pennsylvania Avenue toward the White House, then burnt that down too. Yeah, I remember that it ended in a peace treaty. We were like, oh, man, we don't need Canada. And the start of good relations between both countries following the deaths of thousands. In addition, at least 3,000 American slaves escaped across the British lines. What were the British

lines? Were you running Canada at that point? I guess you were. Many other slaves simply escaped in the chaos of war and achieved freedom on their own. Well, that's a great thing. The British settled some of the newly freaks. Can you imagine being in a fucking country you're not from? Well, I think, yeah, yeah, running. And you're just out in the fucking woods. And then what do you do? It's like, all right, I'm not with those assholes anymore, but I'm still not home. One of the most brutal things ever. The British settled some of the newly freed slaves in Nova Scotia. 400 freedmen were settled in New Brunswick. The American protested that Britain's failure to return the slaves violated the peace treaty. Yeah, of course it did, because we wanted to

make money off of them, and then you cunts did. Stop acting like you're freedom. You taxed the shit out of them. You didn't give them any good jobs. Go fuck yourselves. Don't do this. You're the better white people. Bullshit to me. Okay, you know, we're all bad. Is this all my one-sided interpretation? Yes, because that's how history works. Well, I enjoyed hearing your side of it. By the way, I'm in the army and I've spent months living and working as the only Brit alongside U.S. troops. You should know I've heard all your shit talking before and given plenty back. That must be a lot of fun. I'm sure you've been trashing the U.K. as you read this. Of course I did. And by the way, my teeth are great and I do love tight jeans.

Please come back to the U.K. soon. Thanks and go fuck yourself. I love going over there. What was I gonna say? Jesus Christ, my fucking dad brain. Dad brain, old brain, whatever you want to call it. That made me want to read up on the War of 1812. I think because you guys burned down our capital, there doesn't seem to be a lot of, you know, did we lose that? Let me look that up. I think that's when we just kind of scraped. Was that the Vietnam of the 1800s? Hang on a second here. Who won the War of 1812? All right, here we go. Britain effectively won the War of 1812, but no wonder they gloss over that by successfully defending its North American colonies. Wow, I didn't know we were doing that. I always wondered why we didn't fuck with Canada.

But we did. And you guys gave us the old right there, Fred, and you drove all the way down and you fucking burned down our capital. I'd say you won that one. Okay, but for the British, the war with America had been a mere sideshow compared to its life or death struggle with Napoleon and Europe. I don't give a fuck about that. Wow. We won the battle of Lake Erie, gaining control of the lake. And they defeated, no wonder now it's split in half. All right, I'm in. I'm all in. Thank you so much for that. I'm all in. I want to read all about that. I might read all about. I'm gonna fucking Wikipedia and fucking click images and talk about it on the podcast like I fucking know something. All right, stop bitching about people going to

the beach. I already read that one. All right, advice and now I'd say go ahead, go do whatever the fuck you want. Go play a guitar. Get your dick sucked. I don't give a fuck. All right, advice and tips on improving one's wit. Oh, Jesus Christ. What am I running a comedy class here? Dear Billy Ball bag. First of all, how about Billy Speedbag? How about changing it up every once in a while? First of all, love your work. You're a funny cunt old freckles. Thank you. I got a question and would like some tips about being witty and coming up with funny jokes. So first of all, don't be witty because witty is not funny. It's not funny. Witty actually witty is lives in this weird area of humor where you're risking getting your ass kicked.

I can't explain it. It has this something with the rubbing of the chin. Anyways, funny jokes slash comments regularly in conversations, especially in social situations like at work. I work in an office and have a desk job, not corporate or strict, fairly relaxed. And one thing I've noticed in this kind of work environment is the value of humor that some people have and how valuable it is for them as bosses and colleagues. It is for them as bosses and colleagues appreciate and value people with humor. Who doesn't like someone who can make you laugh, right? Apart from watching and observing comedy and things like standup movies or TV shows, what other ways can you suggest that can help with improving one's wit? Also as a bonus, it is an attractive trait for

the ladies. By the way, please don't cancel your Montreal show. Cheers. Oh my God. I literally forgot that I was even doing that. I just fucking, you just reminded me that was so fucking looking forward to that. Who knows? We'll play a fucking parking lot in Ottawa. All right. Listen, this weird thing, I think like being funny, it's like having rhythm. Either you have it or you don't. And then you get different and then having you have different levels. But there's definitely, if you are funny, if you work at being funny like anything else, you can get funnier. Um, I think a lot of being funny is saying what you think and being confident.

Okay. So I would, what I would do, I don't know what, I was just gonna say, say what you think. You can't say what you think anymore, especially at work. I like your tits. You can't, you can't, you could do that. When I was a kid, you could say that. Nice blouse. Wish it was tighter. Oh, you're never getting a promotion. You can't do that shit anymore. Okay. I don't, I don't want to tell you. There's no way without me knowing and seeing how, how you're funny, how I could even try and guide you. But are you funny? That's my question. Um, I can't tell you though, trying to be funny is, is the funny of somebody trying to be funny

is the effort. It's not what they're saying. So, um, some of the funniest people I've ever met in my life are not even trying to be funny. So, um, yeah, I don't know, buddy. I don't, I don't want to tell you, fuck, trying to give you something here. Um, I know what it's attracted to the ladies if you fucking straight up and honest with them, if you tell them what the fuck you, what, what your intentions are. Like, what's going on here? Well, I, you know, I'm just trying to get laid, you know, don't really see as a girlfriend. You know, I'm just having fun. I think you're really hot and I'd love to bang you. Don't say it like that. There's other ways of being honest. I don't

know what to do here, buddy. Look, just keep swinging. There you go. Just keep swinging. And you know something, if you start getting laughs, if, if I equate what you're trying to do, let's just say you're doing open mics at work. Okay. In the beginning, it's all about having the balls just to tell the joke. All right. And if it bombs, just make fun of yourself. You know, that's what I get for trying to be funny. When am I going to learn that I'm not funny? If you just make fun of yourself. And then with the laughs, you're going to get more confident. You'll be more relaxed, more relaxed, more confidence. You're going to be funnier. How funny that you're going to get all comes down to the gifts that you were, you were given. I don't

know. That's the best advice I can give you. All right. That is it. That is the podcast. Thank you for all the emails. Great questions this week. And thanks to that young kid telling me to shut the fuck up because he was probably right on some level. What are you going to do? And that's it. I think sort of quietly burped into the microphone. I apologize. Don't sleep on a pot roast. Don't sleep on the Dutch oven. Moto GP is where it's at. I didn't get to see the Moto two or the Moto three if they had one. I don't know. I wanted to watch that, that American kid there in the Moto GP to the California kid. I can't remember his fucking name. I'm fucking exhausted. I got to put my kids to bed. God bless all of you. Go fuck yourselves.

And I'll check in on you on Thursday.