Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-22-13

Episode Date: July 22, 2013

Bill rambles about tattoos, motorcycles and how to treat birds.

Hey what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 22nd, 2013. And off we go into the wild blue yonder. Fly high into the sky. Ah fuck, I got a bunch of shit to do today people. Just like you. Even my Mondays are busy. I actually got a lot of shit out of the way already. I walked my dog around the block. It took a shit. I picked it up in a bag. Alright. Unlike that Rappaport fella. I picked it up, right? And I put it in somebody's barrel. Somebody else's barrel, which is the right thing slash douchey thing to do. The ultimate neighborly thing is you pick it up and you hold onto it till you get back to your own trash can and then you put it in there. That right there. That

is a class act. Alright. Then you have tier two. You have me. Well, at least he picked it up, but then the cunt threw it in my trash barrel. I can argue. Well, hey, you know, to trash barrel, what are you worried that it's just going to smell like rotting garbage? Is this shit smell really going to ruin it? But I understand there's a principle. It's your dog. It's your shit. You know, then you have the last ones, the people who just don't pick it up. But anyways, anyways, people have been breaking into cars in my neighborhood man, it's fucking every once in a while, like just they'll come by here for a while and they leave LA is really a weird city where it's like you live in a place and one night

it's safe and then the next night it isn't, you know, there's the general vibe and then there's also like the fucking roulette aspect of living in Los Angeles. So I think they come by, they fuck with cars because it's the same people, right? It's five. It's five people run in the world and there's five people breaking all the windows and stealing shit in this car. I'm convinced of it. All right. I have, I have, I have information that can back that up. If you want it, I'll give it to you. But I would appreciate it. If you've been listening to my podcast long enough that you would just take me at my own word, my word actually means something to you. You know, anyways, they've been breaking

in these fucking cars and that's just annoying. I told you they have me last time they fucking there was nothing in my car. And then they took all my quarters as little satchel of quarters for the parking meters because I still don't want to use my credit card because I don't want to tell people where the fuck I am. You know, well, see, according to your, your, your fucking parking meter records, you, you were there, sir. And I know what right now, dude, I can just track you with your cell phone, man. Maybe they can. But I could say, well, I lost my cell phone. Someone else had it, right? I could come around with it. But if you fucking can say somebody stole my credit card, I don't know. I don't like

people watching me all the fucking time. You know, you know, it kills me as the amount of people that actually are happy. Snowden did what he did. And there's nobody any, anywhere in media with any sort of a fucking job that pays any decent amount of money that is open in their fucking mouths. Everybody's keeping quiet. Good for you, Snowden. Keep running. You can stay at my house if you want to hang out till, you know, it blows over, you know, sit around, eat some TV dinners. Hey, you know what I did this week, everybody? I went out and I bought the body issue, the naked issue, the nude issue of ESPN. Why? Because I'm a pervert. Yes. Why? Because I always liked the 49ers, but wanted to see their quarterback

completely naked in the on some lava rocks. Absolutely. You got me. I can't remember how many times last year when I was watching a 49ers game, you know, this college cap, Nick, I'll tell you, he's entertaining to watch. But you know, it would be more entertaining if somehow he would get down on all fours on some fucking lava rocks, like he's going to do 100 yard dash into the ocean. That's what I would really like. No, you know, I bought it because somebody told me Gary player was on the cover. That's what I was told. And my Gary player, isn't that guy like fucking 100 years old? They're like, no, he's like 77. You know, and I go, he's an unbelievable shape. You know me, I'm obsessed with not becoming a fat

fuck. Right. Fat people call that having a body issue, you know, because they don't want to stop eating their jelly and Ritz crackers late at night, you know, that they stuff into ice cream. You know, it's funny is as mean as I am to fat people, I've slowly begun to and just according to this guy last week, and I'll take him as is like every fat person who listens to this, I'm beginning to shame people into losing weight. And I think that that would be a great show. It would be just like biggest loser as far as the amount of yelling, but it wouldn't be as motivational or be like the opposite. And then it would cause a controversy. And then there would be people doing that split screen on TV, you know, you got the host and then you

got the two people like, you know, what do you think person I've never heard of before? Well, I think it's great. You know, I think these fat fucks, it's about time somebody called them a fat fuck. What do you think about a female person who, of course, you have to have the motherly side of this? Well, I just think that people have to understand that it's a food addiction, this negative reinforces we're seeing this in schools with by Oh, fuck you, lady. Okay. I think you can lose a couple of pounds to Hey, let's try to keep it nice. All right. Let's try like the fucking host who's exploiting the whole problem can then sit there rubbing his chin, shaking his head. You know, you know, it's funny, all three of them in that moment, they're all getting paid.

They're all making money off of the lard that's in the asses of so many people these days. And I like to think that that's the true top tragedy. You know, I like to think right now that I'm thinking outside the box, the ice box, I guess, I guess you would call it. What's the deal? So I got the body issue. And you know what bug me? This fucking trend, like the fucking tattoos that people have, you know what it is in particular? What is it in particular bill? I don't like people who write fucking inspirational shit on their body. Like, you know, and they always have it in a place, you know, they don't always, but for a lot of times they have it in a fucking

place where only I can really get a good look at it. So there's no way for me not to take that is like what do you think I'm a fucking moron? Like you have life all figured out that, you know, you got to write this shit on your body. What the hell is it? What the hell is this fucking person? It was this fucking golfer, beautiful woman, right? In like a 1950s kind of way, you know, little houses, then they're all made out of tiki tacks. And we fuck missionary only to have more kids. They have blue eyes, they have brown eyes, and they all say fucking racist shit. But it's the 1950s and nobody knows better. Sorry. That's a water fountain. It's just for us. It's the 1950s. So this woman, that's some of the worst singing I've ever done. That even sounded bad to

me. So this is fucking lady. Her name is Carly Booth, gorgeous, little diesel. She's sitting there on the driving range. Looks like in Manhattan, driving some golf balls. I'm sure people going by in their fucking yachts, you know, all upset going why is that that naked woman playing golf? And I wasn't invited to that party. I don't have enough money. I thought I knew Bloomberg too. So anyway, she has written on the side of her body. All right, it's starts at her waist and then goes down to whatever that that piece of meat is that's between it's at the same level as your ass cheek, your side, side of your hip, I guess you'd call it, right? Is that what it's called in the medical field? So anyways, this beautiful woman has something I can't even

read the first. It looks like the symbol for pie. I don't know what it is. She has written on the side of her body. It says whatever is not Jesus Christ, I can't read this, whatever is not the stars to hold our destinies. But in ourselves, or destiny, I can't read it. It's too far away. But I just don't know why why do why do people do that? Is that for when she's hooking up with some guy, right? And he's banging her doggy style, and he kind of leans over and he looks and then he reads that and like, what's he supposed to think that? All right, like, damn, this bitch is deep. They're endless. Guys get them too. You know,

trying to be a little fair, a little more fair and balanced in the spirit of Fox News here, where I totally lean one way, but I try to just say I'm fair and balanced. Let's let's let's search this right now, shall we? Tattoo sayings. All right, click on there. We got some images here. All right. Oh, look at all these beautiful girls with sentences. It's like not only do you get to enjoy their beauty, they get to help you out with life. Let's see what we got here. Let's view all images. We'll make them bigger, you cunt. All right, this gorgeous woman. She's doing that thing where she puts her thumb in her fucking belt loop and pulls her jeans down a little bit. That's like the classic when you have like the bathing suit edition of sports illustrated. You always

got to have like, for you future women out there or male models, I think guys can get away with it too. What you do is you're totally naked. You have little speedos on and you're not showing enough skin. So then you got to take a thumb, you stick it in the side of it and you pull it down a little bit and then you have this look on your face like, what? Did something happen? All right, she has on her side, fall down seven times, stand up eight. If you're truly a strong person, you know, can't you just, you know, hear that and just like remember it? I am enough the way I am. This woman has this written on her collarbone and it goes right into the ball and socket joint there, whatever the fuck you call it. A ball joint there and your shoulder. I am enough the way I am.

You know, like I see that all I want to do is just give her a hug, pat her on the head and just be like, I'm sorry, your parents did whatever they did to you. I'm sorry they didn't say the things they needed to say. All right, what does this person have? That's written in French so you know what's pretentious. Infinite. I don't know why you would have that on there. This is my favorite one. This guy has this written on his wrist. Take a chance. They don't come much bigger than this. You know, so whatever the situation is, be it he meets the girl of his dreams or some hooker who doesn't have a condom, he looks down at his wrist and that's what it says, right? I don't know. Is this bombing? I was in heaven. I was in hell. Believe in neither, but fear them

as well. Damn. Were you really in heaven and were you in hell here on earth or did you visit another land? This is fucking Jericho. He probably unloads trucks. He had it written on the back of his calf, right? You're just a fucking asshole. You know, you should have said asshole and then a fucking arrow pointed right up at your fucking asshole. You know, all you pretentious cunts with your fucking song lyrics and crap on your body. Can you put them in a place where we don't have to look at what I don't have to look at? I'm not gonna speak for everybody. All right, that guy, if I was a dictator, if I was running shit, all right, after I assassinated or imprisoned or pistol whipped every fucking banker I could find, I would then be like, all right,

you have two options. You either get that fucking thing removed, all right, or you never wear shorts again. You're allowed to wear your underwear when you walk around your apartment, but that's it other than that. Go fuck yourself. Look at these fucking people. Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings and oh, geez, wow, I never looked at it that way. Thank God you wrote that on your rib cage. Would you like another fuzzy navel? Oh my God, this girl's got an entire story written on her back. I just love this passage. I always wanted to have it written on my back. All right, the shoulder blade tattoo. What does she got here? What does this one say? There's a lot of women with shit written on their backs in different languages.

All right, here's to me, here's to you, and here's to life and laughter. I'll be true as long as you and not a single moment after Jesus Christ. What? And it literally looks like she wrote it on her back and had someone else fill it in. Here's to me. Here's to love never fails. All right, this guy's getting written on both forums. I listen to the I listen to the bray of my heart. I am I am I am. Oh my God, dude, these are like, you know, the thing I like about this shit that they write it on their bodies is that's just a great thing to read during your during a first date. All right, here's one for you. If you if you meet a girl

with a foot tattoo, like you got to go in another direction. Right? There's nothing uglier than a foot tattoo. They just did you just I don't understand. I don't understand. You know what? I'm sure there's a lot of you guys out there. Probably most of you at this point have tattoos, right? You know, at what point are those things going to go out of style? Has this podcast just completely lost momentum? I feel like Lenny Bruce when he fucking just kept reading his his court cases, I really got way too into that tattoo. I just fucking I'm enough. I'm enough with the tattoos. Every fucking athlete that's stupid issues got

some big dumb ass piece on their back of their shoulders. And you know what? I got to be honest with you. It all looks the same. Bunch of squibbly, squib, squabbly dudes. There's always a fish or a fucking dragon in there. You know, the fuck is wrong with you? Everybody else has one. I want one too. It's one of the greatest things I ever did was I never got a fucking tattoo back. You know, it's funny back when, uh, when I was when I was just the lad, and you got tattoos, people who's the tail end of getting like cartoon characters like just about four inches away from your dick. You know, you get it. Like, I remember there was a guy had you sent him me Sam with the two guns and said back off. And it was just to the right of his package.

You know, I knew another guy. He got the fucking Budweiser label. That's what you got. You know, you didn't sit there and have to be like fucking, you know, a stitch in time saves the sorcerer who gets up early and catches the worm. That bunch of fucking cunts. You know what? Keep getting your tattoos. I like it. You know, it's branding you as someone not worthy of talking to. Um, can you guys do that for me this weekend? Can you walk around when you see people who have those? And when you just read them, just point at them like you're in that invasion of the body snatcher and just go, oh, shit. Damn. And then fucking walk away. No, don't do that. Don't you know what? Don't even listen to me. Um, all right.

What the fuck was I going to talk about this week? Oh, guess what I did this week? Oh, freckle face bill. Guess what I did? You know, a year ago, I wrote a fucking motorcycle or whatever. I went dirt bike riding. I actually took a motorcycle safety course. It was, uh, it was a day and a half. And I got to tell you, man, it was fucking, uh, exhilarating and terrifying. So I actually, I passed the class somehow. I don't think I should have. I was doing my little U turns. I had to put my little foot down there. Um, no, it was a great fucking time. So basically how it worked was you rode for like four hours and then you had a class. Um, and I realized how spoiled I am as a fucking human being, you know, just having this,

the life that I have where I don't have a boss and I basically do whatever the fuck I want. I have not been in a classroom. Um, and I just immediately, I just takes me back to why I chose the route I chose. I just never liked the classroom situation, but this, this was, uh, it was actually a great time, but I just immediately had anxiety and I'm like half paying attention. And then, and then in the end they're like, okay, now we're going to do the test. And I went right back to when I was like an eighth grade, like God, God, I'm going to fail this. And the guy's like, no one has ever failed this. And he like, Oh good pressure pressure. I'm a moron was sitting there at the table and everybody's fucking finishing before I was like, it was like,

I don't know, 40 people in the class. I think I finished 37th as far as completing the test. Um, I don't know, it's just 50 questions I got for wrong. I think something like that. I don't fucking know. But somehow I passed and, um, um, that was funny. I've never flipped flopped so much of my life on a decision. I was thinking, am I going to get a bike? Should I just get a dirt bike? Should I just know how to do this? And then, you know, I just want to learn how to ride a motorcycle. You know, I grew up in the 80s. All right. I watched a lot of action movies. And one of the things that I always was envious of the action heroes, aside from their oiled up fucking 80s lifting weights, no squats ever,

bodies was, uh, the fact that no matter what vehicle they approached, not only were the keys always in it, they knew how to drive it. They knew how to drive everything from a dump truck to a fucking helicopter airplane. They could sail. They could fucking do anything. So, you know, it's coming up where, you know, we got to raise the debt ceiling again. Eventually the waves going to hit the beach and there's going to be a period where you could quite possibly be getting chased down the street by an angry fucking mob. It's just everything goes to shit. You know, so at that point, it would be nice if you had the ability to whatever escape vehicle you meet, you ran into, you could

actually just jump in and just be all right with it. Right? Sylvester Stallone, fucking, uh, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steven Segal, Chuck Norris, they never, I challenge you to find anything that they fucking ran up to in any of those movies that they did not jet ski, fucking motorboat, sailboat, submarine, combine helicopter, fucking plane with, only can land on water. Those skis or the tires doesn't make a difference. They could instrument rated the everything, everything. They could be on a fucking plane, a commercial airline, and somehow kill the person next to him, put a hat over their face without anybody noticing, crawl down into where the luggage is, and then jump off the landing gear and do a fucking

mash at the end of the, the, the runway. They were unstoppable. So I've added motorcycle. All right. I could drive a car stick or regular and now I can drive a motorcycle. I'm just checking off the list. I have a day and a half of experience. No, it's actually really fascinating and it made me a better driver and I actually have a much more appreciation of, of the skill it takes to ride a motorcycle. It's not like a car. Yeah, no shit, Bill. No, but just shit that you wouldn't think. Like I didn't, I didn't understand all that went into just going around a turn on a motorcycle and not only do you hit the, do you not hit the brake, but if you hit the brake, you're actually going to, you know, you're going to crash. You got to judge, look through the whole

turn, judge your speed and then fucking power your way through it. Um, pretty intense. I got not going to lie to you. I'm not going to act like I was, eh, I got this. This is easy. Then we, we go into the class and like, has anybody seen it? And I'm getting excited. Like, wow, that I just rode a bike for four hours. I got it up to third gear down, shifting. This is fucking great. And then I went into the class and one of the things, you know, the group discussion, they was like, anybody ever see a motorcycle accident or been in a motorcycle accident? It's like, fucking almost everybody or at least half the class puts their hands up and they start telling stories. And this one guy's was like a paramedic and he's going like, yeah, you know, I saw this

guy was going like 90 hit a car head on and his heart came out of his chest. He had like, oh, he's, he's stories and I was sitting there. I'm like, like laughing to myself, go, what the fuck am I signing up for here? This is insane. Um, and then like the guy who was teaching the class who looked like he was born on a motorcycle and was fucking, you know, wrote the same way. It was, you know, obviously he's the instructor. He's fucking great at riding bikes. He even had a story of a couple months ago. Yeah, you know, I hit some sand and I was like, you know, I'm going over the fucking handlebars and I'm like, keep my body relaxed. And all I'm thinking in my head is it's like, dude, you went down, you went

down, right? This guy I'm telling you, it just looked like he was just made to ride a fucking, he just had that. I ride a motorcycle. Look, as opposed to me, who looks like some douche who goes to take a safety course. And I'm just thinking this guy went down. This guy's an EMT talking about people's hearts coming out of their chest. I'm just like, what, this is fucking stupid. You know, so, uh, I don't, I don't know where I'm at. I think I'm just going to maybe just ride on dirt is what I'll do. You can't, you can't fucking ride a bike out here in LA. It's, you know what it is? I'm old enough to know it's fucking stupid. So, uh, I think I'm going to, if I'm going to do it, I just get like a dirt bike and I put it in the back of my truck, drive out

of the city and all the people texting, get to where the trail is and then just ride around on dirt. Now I know all you cunts are going to be like, actually, most of the fatalities happen off road, people not paying attention. I know, I understand this risk with everything. But, uh, you know, I don't know. I think it's a good thing that I waited till I was 45 to learn how to ride a motorcycle because if I was thinking, if I was 21 and I would just, I wouldn't give a shit. Ah, it's not going to happen to me. That's not going to happen to me. Like you get older and by the time you're my age, shit is happening to you or some close friends. So you kind of like, ah, you know, that could happen to me. Kind of like my heart in my chest on this side of my ribcage,

but I got to tell you though, I definitely got the bug and it's the most fucking fun. I even by the second day, I was actually getting frustrated because I was thinking like, I just want to take this out on the street. I'm sick of speeding up and slowing down. I just want to drive this fucking thing and, I don't know. Don't worry. I'm not going to go out and do that. I'm not going to do that dumb shit. This is exactly what a lot of people do when they, when they finally get to where they want to be in life, which is where I feel I am, you know, selling tickets as a comic, get some acting gigs every once in a while, you know, you got a little free time. What do you do?

You pull a John Denver, you go out and get a pilot's license, you know, you fly some experimental aircraft and next thing you know, they're the news today, singer, songwriter, right? So that's definitely in the back of my head, but I don't know. I don't think he is going to let me get one anyways, to be honest with you. That's probably a good thing. But you know what she did when she was saying no, she did the classic thing. Like, why do you want to like, you know, have all these toys? What is it with guys and have, you know, you have your, and like, what do I have? I go, I got my truck. She goes, you get your guitars and it's like, you're upset with me because I'm enjoying life. And she's like, no, you know, I think she just doesn't want me to get

one. So she tried to do that stupid argument that the motorcycle was this extension. Like, it's like your dick, like you guys like it's between their legs and they've riding this thing down the street. It's just like, I don't know what the fuck that is about. When I was riding for the last two days, at no point was I thinking about my dick other than thinking like, I hope I don't fall off. And when I'm going fast enough that I get road rash on my dick. That would be the only thing other than that. You know what I wish? I wish she took the class with me. You know, that's what I was actually thinking. It'd be great if she took the fucking class with me and she would just see how much fun it is. It's fun. You know, I don't fucking know.

So I got the bug now. I got the bug and I was looking at motorcycles all last night. So I was telling her I said, look, all I wanted I'm just gonna get like the Honda rebel to fucking 250. That's exactly what I should get when I start out. If I get something else, I'll kill myself. And she starts, you know, looking up those stupid Ducati's, which were cool about up until six months ago. And now every douchebag out there has them. Like everybody seems to have one of those fucking things. So, you know, I don't know. I looked at the new Harleys and I don't like them. I think they're ugly. They kind of lost their way. They used to look meaner. So I'm just going to get if I'm going to get one, I'm either going to get a dirt bike or

I'm going to get this little fucking 250. I think this pedometer only goes up to like 70 or 80. I don't know. Tell me what do you what do you guys think? And this is and this is going to be one of those extreme conversations. And believe me, I've heard all the things get a motorcycle. You might as well buy the coffin to go with it. It's not a helmet. It's a brain bucket. I've heard all of that shit. I don't know. Just it does seem like a lot of fun. Right? You know, if I if I get one, I'm going to be one of those douchebags who gets like a little 250 and I'll have like all the gear on. I'll be dressed like all Samuelson if you ever rode a motorcycle like completely over protected fucking Robocop suit on and I just ride around my neighborhood never never get out of

second gear. Anyway, so that's what the fuck I did with my week. But you know, it's good to know though, if I ever get chased by a bunch of people with hatchets down the street and I happen upon a fucking motorcycle and there's a little key there, provided it's not an old one with the throttles on the other side or the shifter or whatever the fuck it is, I'll be able to I'll be able to escape. You know, all right, I know what the fuck I'm talking about. Okay, everybody, it's time for a little bit of advertising. I know this is your favorite part of the week. Well, goddamn it, it's mine too. Bill's finally going to stop babbling and actually read something that's prepared. All right, here we go. Okay, E voice, everyone, your screening calls, closing deals

and making money all while lounging poolside in the summer sun. Thanks to who E voice? E voice is a better way to connect with people that drive your business. E voice will forward business calls to your home, mobile or any number you choose, wherever you are, E voice will find you. Don't have time to take a call. It's routed to voicemail. And you can read it at your convenience as a text message. E voice not only gives you an edge over your competitors, it takes away the edge the big companies have over you right now. With E voice, you can create the appearance of a whole office building of departments. When customers call you a sales department, customer support, tech support, you name it, it's going to sound like you have it

all through the wonder of E voice and it works with any phone, even yourself. Hey, it's summer. Don't be stuck stuck in the office all day. Free yourself with a free 30 day trial of E voice. So you can see what I'm talking about. Oh, we go to evoice.com and enter the promo code bill for your 30 day free trial. That's evoice.com promo code bill or go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click on the E voice banner. And the next one, Tevo Tevo Tim Tevo before Tevo watching TV was weirdly had. You could only watch a show at a certain time. And if you missed it or even part of it, you literally had to wait for it to go into reruns before you could see it again. I could vouch for that. I am an old man. Tevo totally changed all of that. And while other

DVRs exist, they are not as sicklicious as Tevo, because if you have cable, Tevo lets you watch your shows wherever you want with Tevo stream. You can watch on your iPad all over your house and even transfer your favorite recordings and take them with you on an airplane, waiting in line at the DMV, the dentist office, Tevo makes other DVRs look like they were designed by some Soviet committee. Only Tevo searches both cable and web to find any movie, any show, any video at the press of the button. You hear that both cable and the web. That's what sets them apart. Netflix, Amazon, YouTube. Now those are just like more channels on your TV. Oh, wow, you can look at all of that. That's amazing. And with the Tevo mini one Tevo box works on a second TV from the couch

to the kitchen from the midi van to 35,000 feet up in an airplane. Tevo makes TV about a thousand times better. There you go. Alrighty. Bing bang. That was easy, wasn't it? All right, let's get back to this. So anyway, so I'm looking at the body issue here and I'm telling you to get inspired. Gary player, the guy's like 77 years old. I forget what he's eight, five, seven ways a buck, 55. He's like at his high school weight. There he is. There he is. Who he is, golfer, PGA tour winner, achievement award winner. He's five, seven, 150 pounds. I got to read this quote that he didn't have to have tattooed on his tattooless body here. He said a great man in India said to me, Mr. Player, the less you eat, the longer you live.

In Western society, it's each eat plenty and die young. I'm 70% vegetarian. This morning, I didn't have any fats, no bacon, no sausage, no butter, but I'm a normal human being. I have a Snickers. If I want one, I'm not a martyr. I mean, dude, you can't, if that's not something to aspire to, you know, last time I was 150, I was in fucking, I mean, I'm taller than the guy, but the guys at his high school weight, you know, he can still fit into his fucking tuxedo that he wore back in when he danced to Benny Goodman. You know, you know what's funny about that vegetarian shit? You always fight it, right? You sit there guy, you got to have some meat, you got to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but I got to tell you, you eat a giant salad every day, you're going to be

right as rain. You can eat a steak and afterwards you can feel like you have a fucking shoe in your stomach. You got to take a net, you know, your body shuts down. If you have red meat and potatoes, right? You know, God damn well, you got to take a nap. You literally have to fucking sleep it off. You know, you never have to sleep off the salad people. That's what I've learned is I've gotten older to, I got to stop fighting it, you know, I want the meat eaters to be right. Does that make sense? Who wants to eat a fucking? Don't you want cheeseburgers and fries to be the right way to go? Of course you do, but I'm telling you. Oh, did I mention I finally ate a tomato out of my garden? My little modest garden dude,

I got to tell you, it was one of the most fucking unbelievable experiences of my life. It was, it was like, I don't know what the fuck I was eating for the first 45 years of my life. I got to tell you, do, do what if you want, don't, this is great. I got tomatoes growing right out in front of my house, cucumbers and peppers. I'm on my way. I'm going to have a bunch of fucking veggies growing out there. I know how to ride a motorcycle, right? So I'll just have a bag of veggies always ready to go. That's, that's my, uh, that's my game plan. But the other thing is, is if anybody on my block knows my game plan, if they listen to this, then all they're going to do is just steal my vegetables, right? And put some piano wire across the street and that's going

to be the end of me. You know, wouldn't that make sense? Oh, here you go. I just got a text message answering a question. I would have this tattooed on my body. Hang on a second. I've been playing a lot of drums lately, everybody, and I've been fucking with that Zeppelin song in my time of dying. And I never know how to count it to count it in for that. You know, when he starts off, when the fucking drums come in, I never, I, I can't fucking do, I knew, I kind of thought it was maybe in four, four. So I got the answer here to all you drummers out here. This is coming from a professional drummer. It's in four, four. If you mean the big Tom hits, which I do, they are one. What they are one and of one and of two.

Get the fuss. So it's one and and is it I thought was convinced the guitar riff that opens the song starts off on the and of four. Oh, that's what it is. And one and two and three. Okay. Okay, you motherfuckers. See, that's the thing I loved about Zeppelin is they always did that little tricky shit. So that that starts on the end of four and okay, all right. Was that the most boring thing ever to hear me try and figure that shit out? All right, what the hell was I talking about? Oh, hey, I owe a major fucking apology last week. You know, I have the apologies every week. So last week, I was talking about, uh, I got to get his fucking name here. The guy won Wimbledon. Let me let me look this here. Wimbledon 2013 something Murray, right? What's his name here?

Andy Murray. And I said, Hey, for the first time ever, congratulations. The first time ever an English guy won the fucking the Wimbledon. Turns out the guy was Scottish. So right there, I gave Andy Murray his props and instead of calling, but then I called him English, which is a classic example of what that is some cold lotion. I want to hear somebody send me some audio that with the fucking Scottish accent. I apologized to everybody in Scotland. People in Scotland can't stand English people, you know, actually most people in Ireland can't stand them either. They're not, they're not a very well liked group of people. And you know why people are just hating on him? You know, just hating on him how fucking successful they are with their kingdom. Right.

Great Britain, the English empire. They got, you know, something they're like a franchise that got bought out. You know, like remember back in the day, there was Kinko's everywhere you went. And oh, wait, blockbuster. They like the blockbuster video of fucking empires. Actually every empire is after a while, you just get bought out by something else. And I would say that our empire, the United States, we're like blockbuster in like 2006, you know, you see the writing on the wall. So that's it right there. You can't be a tough as shit. It's coming to an end here, people. Something's going to fucking happen. All right. So you got to get your ass in shape. You got to start growing tomatoes. And you got to learn how to drive, ride, sail, any fucking thing that's out there.

I don't have anything to talk about this week, people. I'm not going to lie to you. I got nothing. Okay. Usually I talk about sports. Oh, I know what I can talk about in the wonderful wide world of sports. Did anybody see Nelly going off on Kobe or discussing Kobe? Huh? That's what I finally, I feel vindicated. Somebody else is seeing it. He's talking about the white Howard, the white Howard leaving, going, maybe he doesn't want to play with Kobe. And you know, it's so funny. Stephen A Smith is sitting there going, blasphemy, blasphemy, as he's as Nelly is credit has the audacity to criticize Kobe. That's why I love Stephen A Smith. Cause that's the funniest thing. And he's saying blasphemy like Nelly is talking about

the son of God. That's how blinded Stephen A Smith is about criticizing Kobe Bryant because of his friendship with that guy and protecting his interview. Stephen A Smith. I know you can't say it. Come on. Come on, man. You know, you know the deal. Kobe brought that in the history of NBA basketball. There's never been another guy who's gotten more help getting five championships than Kobe Bryant. All right. The same way the Celtics piled on in 2008 and the Miami heat the last couple of years, Kobe Bryant, every year he's on a team like that. And I'm talking to my buddy, Jason Lawhead, this saying LeBron, the rumor is he's going to opt out. So is Carmelo Anthony, and they're both going to go to LA. How much more fucking help does this guy need?

Unbelievable. But like Stephen A Smith, can you ever address this if you somehow somebody sends this to you? Cause I am a huge fan. All right. Explain this to me at the risk of you saying blasphemy. As I say this, how a player like Kobe Bryant can walk off the court twice this year during horrific losses, walk off on his own team. You tell me how that does not breed resentment in the locker room. All right. And how doing shit like that all year does not end up with your fucking star center saying I'm leaving. All right. And I'm not saying that, you know, Mr. Howard didn't fucking fall short. All right. I just hate saying Dwight. It's Dwight. It's Dwight Howard. Dwight. Spell it D U H white. All right. Um, I don't know. All Dwight Howard

has to do is just steal a couple of moves from a team and a couple of moves from Kevin McHale. And he's going to be fucking unstoppable. And he had a look on his face like maybe he was going to commit to doing that for at least four days before he was going to have that silly grin. Look how pretty I am and look how big my arms are. I don't give a shit anymore that he brings to the court every night. Do you realize if you include Stephen A Smith that I just criticized about 40 foot of human being, you understand that? That could all kick my ass. I don't know about Stephen A Smith. I think I could take him to the ground, choke him out with his tie. Who knows? Blast me. Blast me. But that's going on the YouTube videos of the week. You got to see that. And then I also

have a great, I was watching the NHL network this week and NHL network underrated. They just, you know what they did? They just, oh, you know, they just showed every Islanders clinching game during their, their four year dynasty that they had from 80 to 83. And I got this great clip after they beat, who did they beat? They beat the North Stars, I think in 1980. When Neistrom had that overtime goal, a fucking unbelievable pass too. And one of the Sutter brothers had just been called up from the minus and they interview him. And it's just like, it's just what's the most unsmooth ending to an interview. It's the name of the YouTube videos is good luck. We'll have that up there for you too. And with that, I've babbled enough here.

Let me, let me read a little fucking ad here and then we'll get into the questions for the week. Sound good? Well, you don't have a choice because that's how it's going down. All right, dollar shave club, everybody. All right, this is why I like dollar shave club because for years I've been complaining about why do they treat like disposable razor blades like their gold bullions? You know, for some reason it's like 40 bucks for a pack. They got a behind glass. You got to find somebody with the key. You know, the reason why, you know why people steal them is because they're horrifically overpriced. Wouldn't it be nice if someone was doing something about that? Well, I give you dollar shave club. All right, dollar shave club. It's

a cool brand and they send you these quality radio radios, razors right to your door every month. You don't have to think about it. You don't have to wait in line, get someone to unlock them from the cage. Like I was just saying, and pay way too much money for a bunch of features that don't even fit on your old handle. Shaving has become such a mess, but not with dollar shave club. You know what? I'm part of this now. It saves me time and it saves me money and the razors are great. They're just as good as any of that crap behind the glass, you know, except you don't have to go out and get it. If you want to try it, go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr support this show. Got a dollar shave club.com forward slash burr or click on the dollar

shave, shave banner on the podcast page at bill burr.com. Once a month, they're going to bring you your blades. You don't have to think about it. You throw out the old ones and you have a nice smooth shave all month. You don't pay too much for it. Give it a shot. All right. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America. Okay, let's get to the questions for this week. If I could find them. Oh, Christ, what did I do now? What did I do? Oh, it's great. I was talking. I wasn't stuttering this week. I've been reading copy. You know, I feel like my copy read has been good this week. All right. Okay. Water a day. Bill, this is in reference to your podcast and the consumption of water. I fell off working.

I fell off working out when I was working out. What? Why do you guys do this to me? I fell off working out, but when I was working out regularly, I easily was drinking a gallon and a half of water a day, sometimes two, two gallons. Someone questioned me on this. So I started to do research and basically that's nowhere close to the limit. Humans can consume. I consume, I think 10 liters a day safely. Is that what you think, dude? You can die drinking too much water. Like people, please don't go out and drink two gallons straight. All right. He says, thanks for the free comedy. By the way, that's what the reverse of cold lotion. Thanks for the free comedy. By the way, what's the reverse of cold lotion?

Like when you get a podcast out late Monday or Tuesday. Yeah, we didn't get the podcast on Monday, but guess what? Tuesday morning, we're going to have one. You guys will just never get beyond the fact that the Monday morning podcast, it's my Monday morning. It's 9 44 a.m. Monday morning. I'm recording this. Okay. All right. I'm just like you guys. I see it in my world. It's my Monday morning, not yours. Go fuck yourselves. Um, you know what's funny is this guy sitting there like throwing out stats here and then in the end he goes, humans can consume like, I think 10 liters a day safely. So anybody listening to this, don't drink like I think 10 liters a day. Find out how many you can have and over what amount of what period, you know,

look, you can have 30 drinks in a month, but if you drink them right in a row, you know, I don't think that's a good fucking thing. So there's got to be a way to space it out. Right? I don't fucking know. All right. All right. The truth behind jimmies. Last week I was talking about jimmies and I heard it was racist. The reason why, you know, so you call them sprinkles or something like up in Boston, the reason why they call them jimmies, that was a reference to Jim Crow. They've got a couple of jimmies over there and then a lot of the sprinkles being chocolate in color. It didn't translate it over and this guy's saying that I am wrong. All right, Bill, love your podcast. And it's great to see you're getting more and more

recognition from Massachusetts and heard your comment on the podcast about jimmies possibly originating as a racist term. This is a bogus myth and the history of jimmies is innocent and actually philanthropic. I can never say that word philanthropist. If I whenever I see it, I can't say it. Philanthropic. I don't know. Philanthropic. Philanthropic. Phil and throw pick. So please don't get sucked into these urban myths just because you heard it from some idiot cunt. Seems that I've heard you blast these types in your acts. Anyways, thought you would find this interesting and go fuck yourself. The jimmies story is below. There is nothing racial about the name jimmies and there are no connection whatsoever with the Jim Crow laws. Jim Crow laws

were anti African laws that many southern states passed following the civil war and they had nothing whatsoever to do with Massachusetts. Now wasn't Jim Crow laws was basically separate but equal and it was never equal. It was separate shittier but called equal. Correct? Is that what it is? Anyways, here's the story. The Brigham family of Boston was in the restaurant business in the early 1900s. In 1911, based on a bequest, a bequest, not a not a request, a bequest from the patriarch. The Peter Brent Brigham Hospital was founded. It later merged with the Boston Lying Inn Hospital and is now known as the Brigham Women's Hospital. Three years later, 1914, a son Edward L Brigham started the ice cream restaurant in Newton called Brigham's.

I remember that place. Brigham's was the shit. It later became a chain of restaurants. 1927, Sidney Farber graduated. Jesus Christ, is it going to be this long? Can I just tap out and say you're right? 1927, Sidney Farber graduated from Harvard Medical School and became a pathologist at Peter Brent Brigham Hospital. Jesus, this is too fucking long. In 1920, he became a resident pathologist at the Children's Hospital. Meanwhile, 1930, a candy campaign out of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Dude, can you just get to the fucking point? Bethlehem, Pennsylvania called Just Born introduced chocolate grains that could be used as a dessert topping. The man who ran the machine that made the grain was Jimmy Bartholomew. So the grains, the grains became known as jimmies.

You know, everything was sounded great. You had all these dates and all these long names of hospitals and then you're like, there was some guy named Jimmy and he came up with them. Fast forward to 1947, Dr. Farber established the Children's Cancer Foundation known as the Dana Farber Cancer Institute. The next year, 1948, Dr. Farber established a fund to raise money for children's cancer. A 12-year-old boy named Inaya Gustafson, this is such bullshit at this point. These names are too long, became the poster boy. He attracted widespread attention after 1948 radio broadcasts for the purpose of keeping the boy's anonymity. It was agreed that the poster boy should have a more all-American sounding name. Yeah, because no one would care about an Inaya Gustafson. Inaya Gustafson, once you'll have your papers.

Peter Brent Bringham Hospital, where Dr. Farber first participated, supported the fund. Bringham Restaurants also decided to help raise money for the Institute by offering to put chocolate grains on top of ice cream cones and sundaes for an extra penny. They got the grains from the Just Born Company, which sold them as jimmies. The penny went into the fund when you got jimmies. The boy's nickname became Jimmy and the fund became known as the Jimmy Fund. Jimmy was a big fan of the Boston Braves baseball team. Today, they are the Atlanta Braves. Holy shit, now we've got the history of baseball. When the Braves moved from Boston in 1953, the Red Sox took over as the sponsor to the Jimmy Fund. That's how the Sprinkles became known as jimmies. Well, you know what, sir? Like,

if that isn't all true, that is the greatest filler bustering ever. All right, well, fuck it, I'll call him jimmies again because you said so. Another unknown cunt who has a bunch of dates with hospitals and all of that. And now you know the rest of the story. Jesus fucking Christ was that long. You know what's funny? You heard all of it. Now it would be great to see if you could, how much you could actually remember and repeat. Hey Bill, how did the name jimmies come along? There was a guy who liked ice cream and he knew someone at a hospital. Then a guy named Gustafson got sick. And then there was a jimmy showed up with the ice creams and they were called jimmies. There you go. That's that's that's how it came about.

Public service announcement for divorced listeners. Hey Bill, a couple weeks ago, you advised divorce guys to go to another city to increase their chances of getting laid by a good 40%. Did I say that? You know, I'm just trying to fill an hour. I don't even remember saying that and now that I've read it back, it doesn't even make sense to me. I concur. Oh okay, I guess it does make sense. Allow me to provide a public service to these guys and save them the trouble of trying to figure out where to go. Get to Amsterdam gentlemen. I moved here four years ago from Canada and it's been insane. There are a couple of reasons for this. None of which has to do with weed or hookers, though you can go that route if you want reasons. Dutch women,

gorgeous with bodies sculpted by a lifetime of dairy products and riding a bike. As a definite bonus, they are bored to death of Dutch guys who have zero game. It's like negative game. They're all 14 year olds, no sense of humor, no manners, no flirting skills, nada. Wait a minute. The whole country, there's not one guy who's just slaying it. There's always one guy in every grade. There's a handful, but then there's that one, the chosen one that just has that thing. Anyways, whatever. And he goes, as a foreigner, you're way ahead of these stiffs as soon as you step off the plane. Yeah, that's true because you have the accent. You're from somewhere different. Tell me about Winnipeg and it's not just the Dutch chicks. The city is filled with hot European

women either on a weekend bender as a highly impressionable intern because their own country's economy is even in a shittier place or as an expatriate sewing their chick oats. It's a freaking gold mine. You can get here, you can get by here easily on English. Everyone speaks it really well, throwing a couple of Dutch words, shit that you can learn on the plane and you've up your chances by another 30%. Anyway, there you have it boys. Go fuck yourself. Oh, go freak yourself, Canadian politeness. Yeah, you know, that's something I wish I knew back when I was a single man. Just get your ass to a different country and your interest instantly, you're interesting. You have an accent, you know, your clothes are a little different, a different perspective.

You know, you've seen that these fucking cunts come over from me and they're like, oh my god, I love your accent. They're sitting there with their fucking tight pants. You can see their ankles in their balls all at the same time, you know. All right, for the birds. Hey Bill, I got these two parakeets. My problem is that these little dudes don't like me. I've tried whistling, petting them. I don't know, you can pet a bird and squirting them with water. Do they like water? I'm guessing that that's a good thing. Parakeets like water. I don't know, why don't we ask the fucking Jimmy's guy to write a fucking nine pages on it. I love how I'm upset with that guy because he actually did the research as opposed to me who

were like, oh yeah, I overheard this in a bar. So anyways, this guy's petting his birds. He's fucking getting them with the water hose. He's whistling at them. Woo. Ow. All to no avail. I know they're only birds, but I feel they hold a deep resentment towards me. Well, you clipped their wings and you stuck them in a cage. How would you feel? Somebody cut your fucking nuts off, came by, started whistling at you and throwing water at you. You know, I got an idea. Why don't you leave them alone? Why don't you open the cage? Right? Why don't you take them to one of those Kardashian doctors and get a little Botox in their fucking wings and let them fly away? Wouldn't that be annoying to you if you were in a

cage? Your arms cut off at the fucking elbows and somebody came up and rather than whistling, they started speaking English at you. Speaking English at you. He goes, I think it's because I yelled at them. Oh, here we go. Because I think they resent me because I yelled at them. What did you, what, what were they doing? I said, no whistling during my shows. Basically, I had to scold them for pooping in their water dish, but I had their best interest in mine. Do you understand how fucking insane you are that you feel like you can talk to a bird? You know, why don't you like not stick the water dish, you know, underwear that was

underneath the swing? Or what I would do is I just get a bigger cage. I'd get a bigger fucking cage. I put the water in the center that isn't near any of those trapeze bars and hopefully they won't be at the top of the cage and still shit down on it. Or I would accept the fact that it's a bird in a cage and that it's, you know, basically anything at the bottom of the cage might as well be the city of Dresden, right? I would just take that as part of it. I wouldn't yell at the birds. But anyways, this guy, he had to scold them for pooping in their water, but I had their best interest in mine. I heard if they drink contaminated water, it can cause a disease that makes all their feathers fall off. Well, you could also read

up on it as opposed to me who just repeats shits that they hear. He goes, I do a lot for those little guys, but putting jackets on nude parakeets isn't one of them. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. They don't even let me pet them, let alone dress them. Dude, you're not a bird guy. You should have got a dog. He goes, when I originally bought them, I imagine I would have one parakeet on each shoulder while hanging out around my house. But instead, whenever I approach the cage, they freeze in horror. Every time they do that, I can't help but remember my brother's face when he fell through the ice. We had to pull them out. I thought maybe if I bought them more toys, they would, that would somehow help. Dude, birds motivation isn't more toys. Their motivation is you not

have an energy like I'm going to fucking twist your head off. Dude, their wings are clipped, so they can't escape. You got them stuck in a cage. They're terrified and you yelled at them. I would say more than on one occasion, you yelled at them. All right. You need to fucking relax. All right. Listen to this, would you want to be like your job to be in a cage all day? And then some, I don't know, some giant comes home and puts you on its fucking shoulders. And your whole job is to enhance the giant's fucking life. You don't even have a little bit of empathy for the fucking birds. What I would do is I would just have a totally relaxed energy and hope that they forget that you're screamed at them. Treat them nicely. Don't

try to pet them. Just don't fuck with them. Every time you come over, they'll gradually be like, oh, this is the guy who feeds us. This guy brings water. This guy's on our side, you know, as opposed to the mixed messages that you send to them. Yeah. Birds don't give a fuck about toys. You know, do they? I don't think they do. He said, I bought them a new toy every Friday on my way home from work and there's a ridiculous amount of toys in the cage. And here's the kicker. They haven't played with the single one, not once. Well, dude, do you look at the birds outside? They're not out there. If you leave your toddlers toys outside, they don't go, oh, good. They left and then they go down and they start playing on its fucking tricycle. He goes, they just stare at me.

I took them to the vet, but he spent more time looking at his phone than the birds. Anyways, any advice would be greatly appreciated. I think you should find a bird lover, sir, and give the birds away. And then I don't know, I think you should get your temper and check. And before you do that, you get your temper and check. And then if you want to get a dog, it seems like you want more interaction with the pet. Most people get birds because they can have an interaction with an animal, but they don't have to walk it down the street. And there's very a lot less interaction with them. You seem like you want a bird to act like a dog slash a little kid. Like, hey, daddy's home. I bought you a fire engine.

Oh boy, look at that. Does the bell work? You know, somehow you want the bird to do that. Yeah, please stop yelling at your birds. All right, they can't help if they shit in the water. You know, the birds, they're not supposed to be in cages. They fly around and they shit as they fly. They shit when they're on branches. When they have to go, they go. They don't have any stress. They don't have any shame. There's water all over the place. So now you got them in this fucking cage with little confined area of water. You know, what are they supposed to do? Well, what do I know about the restaurant business? All right, size issues. Oh, Jesus. Here we go again.

Here we go again. Maybe you need a motorcycle. All right. All right, size issues. We all know your disability to read pop properly. Well, you know what, you don't even know how to write a sentence properly. Half of this shit is I get too far in front of myself. And the other half is you guys don't know how to write a fucking sentence. We all know your disability to read properly. Is that even written correctly? Or am I a moron again? We all know you have a disability when it comes to reading properly. Isn't that how it's supposed to be? So I don't fuck. So I'm going to give it

my best shot to keep it very short. Look at you coming with the arrogance like you have all life figured out, right? You got something tattooed on your rib cage. As you may have read the subject title of this email, you may already know where this is heading. Yeah, you seem pretty cocky for a guy with a little dick. He says, I recently got into an argument with my girlfriend who I've been with for a little more than two and a half years where she told me that she wished I had a bigger dick. Oh man. Yeah, that relationship is over, dude. That relationship is over one of two ways. Either one, she's just trying to be so fucking mean to you that you break up with her because

she doesn't want to be the bad guy or she's just such a fucking self-involved human being that she doesn't realize like how mean that is. That'd be like you said, yeah, I like you. I wish your tits were bigger. That would just be the meanest fucking thing. Why would you say that to somebody that you cared about? That's a horrible thing to say, sir. You know what? You started off as an arrogant cunt. Now I'm feeling bad for you. Dude, that's not the mother of your kids. Just take the dick out of the equation. What if she just said your nose is too big? That's just fucking, that's just something a terrible person says.

She goes, I was shocked to hear this and didn't know what to say. There's nothing to say. There's nothing you can do about it. This is the first time she ever mentioned my penis size. Also the first time in my life, by the way, I guess anybody's ever brought it up. To be honest, I don't know that I'm not well endowed with my 5.5 inch rocket. You're a little below average, sir. I'm not going to lie to you. Now I'm being mean. You can grab the rim, but you can't stuff it home, if you know what I mean. And I did have insecurities about it in the past, but learned to accept it and moved on. I never heard any of my former bed partner girls complain, and the sex was usually great. I know that it may sound ridiculous, but those few words were

heartbreaking to hear and put a big giant stain on my confidence. Yeah, it's a terrible thing that she said. I haven't felt like having sex ever since, and she made, oh, ever since she made that remark, and I am afraid it's going to be a while. I haven't spoken to her since the argument, since I work a lot, we don't live together. I know it's a super thing to be upset about. No, it isn't, sir. You're 100% in the right, 100% in the right. And he goes, and I usually don't really care about penis sizes, but hearing that you're small from your own girlfriend is a whole other story. I'm typically not that guy that gets back at her by pointing out her physical flaws, but I don't know where to go from here. It's even been difficult texting with her. What

do I do, Bill? Got any advice? Okay, you said you don't know where to go from here. I can tell you exactly where to go. Right out her front fucking door. That's it. It's a wrap, sir. It's a wrap. Okay. Now, listen, I'm not saying that she's wrong for wanting a bigger dick. Okay. Like she needs more to satisfy her or whatever, or she just wants to go out and bang some fucking big dick dude at this point. All right. You know, but her tact is wrong. Okay. You had accepted yourself, which is one of the greatest things you can do that leads towards being happy every day, which leads you to treating the people around you respectfully, which leads them to treating you respectfully, which leads to more happiness. She fucked with the core of your happiness.

You know, you felt good about yourself. She pointed out something and made you feel horrible about yourself. It's one of the worst fucking things she could have done as far as mentally to you. And right now, the last thing you want to do is go out and say the same thing to her. All right. If you really want to do just paraphrase what the fuck I just said. It just, just, I don't know. And I would just leave it at that. And the childish thing to do, this is what you really want to get it back. Just saying the childish thing for me to do would point out some, some of your physical flaws. And the great thing is, is you leave it ambiguous. Okay. And I guarantee you, she's going to be in a bathroom mirror staring at herself.

If you want to get me. Okay. But you know what this, but I got to tell you something, what's even better, you got to have this, what's known as the self-esteem breakup. Okay. Which you're totally in the right here and you just say, listen, all right, what you said to me, I felt, I used to feel good about myself and what you said to me mess with the core of my my own happiness and how I feel about myself. And that's not what I'm looking for in a girlfriend or a potential wife. And I just can't see you ever being a good mother. If you would say something like that, just something along those lines. I don't know. I keep going mean don't go mean whatever the fuck I just said. I was just trying to paraphrase

what the fuck I said, but dude, this, this is, you should feel good about yourself. All right. You know, you're not a porn star, but you're also, you know, you're not like, you're not what she's making you out to be here. All right. That's it. You still, you're still in the game, sir. Okay. You're not part of the starting five. Hey, neither am I, you know, but you and I, we come off that bench. Okay. We're the kind of guys, we're the guys that go in the corners, right? Yeah, man, that's dead. You're, you're a hundred percent advice. My advice would be that this girl is, is not anywhere near the level of maturity she needs to be and might never even get to that level. The only redeeming thing that I can say to her is she has such a difficult time

doing what she wants to do in life that maybe she wanted to break up with you for a while and she didn't know how to do it and it was building up and then there was just an argument and then she just said that or, um, I don't know. Have you said anything to her? I have no idea. Oh, it's funny. He says, uh, thanks for the weekly podcast. You have no idea what it means to me. See you in Amsterdam. Well, from what this other guy was writing, sir, there's a bunch of, uh, beautiful ladies out there in Amsterdam. Um, yeah, dude, the fuck. We're all riding bikes. They're in great goddamn shape. Go on. Go get, go, go find yourself a sweetheart. All right. All right. There you go. Okay. Bulgaria. Bulgaria, everybody. Hey, Billy Redface. Oh, wait a second. I got to

read the last advertising here. I'm sorry, guys. We got a couple here. We got a couple, two or three here. Um, oh, I got to do the last chunk here. Last chunk. All right. Where am I going? Legal Zoom, everybody. Most Americans don't have a will, but why? You guys all have stuff, right? You don't want somebody you don't like getting your stuff, do you? LegalZoom.com, everybody. You don't want the government rules dictating what happens to your property and minor children. You don't. So why procrastinate? Most people say too expensive, too time consuming. I don't want to deal with it, man. My answer is LegalZoom.com. Too expensive? You're going to love LegalZoom's reasonable prices. Too time consuming. Most people finish the online process in just 20 minutes,

and we're not talking some fill-in-the-blank forms. Your will is state-specific and personalized based on your information. Best of all, LegalZoom has 12 years of experience helping people with important legal matters. It's national. Make your will month people. So don't wait any longer. Go to LegalZoom.com and get 15% off your last will, but this offer ends soon. Or get a living trust, and we'll receive a poor over will, absolutely free. To get your special discount, be sure to enter Burr in the referral box at checkout. For wills, powers of attorneys, trusts, and more, go to LegalZoom.com. LegalZoom can provide self-help services at your specific direction or connect you with an attorney, but they are not a legal firm. All right. Stamps.com,

everybody. There's nothing instant about getting postage from the post office, driving there, parking. It's a waste of time. So you use Stamps.com instead instantly. Get postage for any letter or package right from your own desk. Stamps.com is so quick and easy to use that even a moron like me can use it. Buy and print official U.S. postage using your own computer or printer. Stamps.com will send you a digital scale that automatically calculates the exact postage you need. They'll even help you decide the class of mail based on your needs. No guesswork, plus it's convenient. Take care of your mailing and shipping wherever you need to, 24-7, right from your own desk. You'll never have to go to the post office again. I use Stamps.com to send out all my DVDs. I have

never, repeat, ever had a problem. Right now, use my last name Burr for the special offer, no risk trial, plus $110 bonus that includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, type in Burr, B-U-R-R, that's Stamps.com. Enter Burr and finally Hulu Plus, everyone. I'm sure you've tried Hulu.com. I'm sure you're a fan, but I want to tell you about the newest, latest Hulu, Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you watch thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere, streaming on your TV or going to your smartphone or tablet. Why stand in line or ride a train and just stare at your feet? You could be watching your favorite shows on Hulu Plus.

Hulu Plus is a great way to binge watch your favorite shows. I'm going to use Hulu Plus to catch up on the old Family Guy episodes I've missed when I was on the road or Rockford Files or whatever the hell else I want to watch. Or maybe all the Lord of the Rings, wouldn't that be phenomenal? Didn't see an episode of New Girl, that's on Hulu Plus too. And if I ever decide to watch Lost, Hulu Plus is the place for that. If I ever want to watch 90 hours of Lost, I could do it on Hulu Plus. You get the point. It's only $7.99 a month, everybody. $7.99 for all the shows and movies you can watch. Catch up on current shows, binge on old and favorite new shows. It's great. You can do it all on Hulu Plus. Right now, you can try Hulu Plus for a couple of weeks for free

on me. When you go to the podcast page at billburr.com, click on the Hulu Plus banner or go to huluplus.com. Okay, there you go, everybody. And that right there is all the advertising for this week. All right, where am I going here? Back to the question. Bulgaria, everybody. Hey there, Billy Redface. I heard you asked about Bulgaria in Eastern Europe. I've traveled around Europe over the last five years and Bulgaria is very nice. Plus, they love Americans. Serbia is pretty nice too. They don't love Americans like the Bulgs, but it's still safe. Even though we bomb them in the 90s, they even have a pretty good sense of humor about it. And if they know you're American, you're American, perfect strangers will walk. Oh, if they know you're American,

there should be a common comma there. Perfect strangers will walk to you and ask the question, why did you bomb us? And even they celebrate a battle they lost to us. Well, if they came up to me and said, why did you bomb us? I would be like, I wasn't even aware we did that. What happened? That would make it even worse. They even celebrate a battle they lost to us. Serbia has been very commercialized over the last 10 years. And there is a strict code of masculinity amongst the men, kind of like Americans. Plus, I don't even know what that means. Plus, exchange rate is great all over the former Yugoslavia. And instead of booking a hotel, you can rent a very nice apartment for a month. And it would actually be cheaper and nicer than

a hotel because there's no first or last, or at least as long as you have cash and a place to crash. Stay away from Romania. The only good thing I heard about that country is the country which is beautiful in the summer. The rest of the year, it looks like like Appalachia. I don't even know what that means. I don't know what that is. Appalachia? Yeah, I always feel like if I'm going to get kidnapped in Europe, I always feel like it's going to be an Eastern Europe. I would think of that. And you never hear anything about Bulgaria. What the fuck did we do? I need to know this. We're going to be dropping bombs on people in a bad way. We bombed Serbia. Was that when the other

Croatia, the Serbians, Bosnia, Herzegovina, they were all fucking battling with each other? That's when Yugoslavian Czechoslovakia became independent of Russia. And now they didn't have a common enemy in the Russians because they had pulled out after like 1990. And then they instantly picked up on these wars that have been gone for like 90 years. Isn't that what happened? Ah, Jesus. Here, America bombs Serbia. NATO bombing of Yugoslavia. All right. Reason why I hate USA, America bombing of Serbia. That's a video. Oh, Bill Clinton. Oh, yeah, I remember that. Oh, didn't he bomb them because he fucking was fingering in that fucking refrigerated faced fucking mess of a woman?

You make me feel like a younger man. Can I stick this cigar in your pussy? The NATO bombing of Yugoslavia was NATO's military operation against the federal public of Yugoslavia during the Kosovo war. The strikes lasted from March 24th, 1999 to June 10th, my birthday, 1999. The official NATO operation code was Operation Allied Force, yada, yada, yada, goals. NATO's objective in the Kosovo conflict was stated in the North Atlantic Countings meetings. But yeah, and I imagine they said it was something about freedom, but it was really about some sort of natural resource or power. Strategy. What the fuck is it? Come on, let's get to the, what was her name? Margo Adams. What was the name of that poor, that unfortunate woman?

You know, naval civilian. You don't want to look up Bill Clinton bombs Yugoslavia. Wait, Margo Adams was the fucking chick that, what's his face banged from the Red Sox? The hell was his name there? He's always Wade Boggs, Bill Clinton, bombs, Yugoslavia. What the hell was her name? Wasn't Margo? It began with an M. What the fuck was the name of that boy? He stuck that cigar in a thing. I can't remember a fucking name. I'm just gonna stick cigar. Bill Clinton bombs Yugoslavia cigar. Let's see if that comes up. Bill Clinton. What really happened?

US bombing killed 224 people. Why Clinton bombed the Serbs? All right, here we go. Oh, that's just, that's just too long. You know what? I don't know why he did it, but Clinton did it. He did it 1999. I'll just look at the ground. Yeah, sorry about that. Sorry we, sorry we bombed you. Ah, Jesus Christ. All right, well, that's the podcast for this week, everybody. I know it was kind of all over the place. As is my life. This is the wrap ups for the show here. Now that the show's over, don't forget to support all the sponsors or just one of them. Anything you can support. Okay, we got, you know, you can get your will done at legal Zoom. You get your voice. E voice things. E voice gives you a toll free number so you can take

business calls from anywhere. Sound of the office. You remember it. I've already talked about this stuff. Now it shows over. You got Hulu plus. You can binge on all those shows. You don't like them. You can check out Tevo, right? Give you two options. You know, you don't want to buy shave, go to the dollar shave clubs. You don't want to buy the blades. I hate these fucking wrap ups. You guys heard all of this shit before. That's it. I'm not doing the wrap ups. Go fuck yourself. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Okay. Coming up this week. Why am I shouting? I am going to be Friday night. I'm going to be in Boise, Idaho, Saturday night, Saturday night, Bozeman, Montana. If both those shows are not sold out, they're damn close. That's this is the

beginning of the red state tour. And then right after that, then I have to do my acting gig. And I never tell you guys much about the acting gigs because so many guys I know get into movies or whatever. And then they tell people they're in them and then they get cut out or whatever. So I wait till it's in theaters. When it's in theaters and I'm actually in it, then I tell you I'm in the movie. That seems to be the best way to go about it. But I know there's a lot of you people out there where you will go, Hey, you know, you're supposed to be coming to my fucking flyover state. And now you're not. What's the deal? Well, the shows have not been canceled. They have been rescheduled. Okay. So the first two stay the same. Boise State July 26 and the Emerson Center for the

for the arts theater in Bozeman, Montana is July 27. Those are still the same. El Paso has been moved. I got to change that date on my website. But right now, Colorado, Boulder, Colorado, the new date is September the 4th, September the 5th is the first day of NFL football. I'm going to try to go to that because I'm going to be out there in Colorado, September 6th, Pike's Peak Center, Colorado Springs. And then okay, El Paso has been moved to September 12. Okay, we keep going, we keep going. And then in November, I don't have the dates up here on my site yet in November. Those are going to be the Deadwood Tulsa, Oklahoma, Wichita, Kansas dates will be in November. And for those of you asking about my European tour, these dates are already

on sale, December 5th in Amsterdam, December 7th in London, December 9th in Dublin, December 11th Copenhagen, Denmark, December 12th, Oslo, Norway, December 13th. I'm in Stockholm, Sweden. And rumor has it, this is confirmed. I'm going to be in Iceland. That's going to be the last one. I'm going to be in Reykjavik or Reykjavik, however the fuck you say it. And oh, shit, I just thought of something else. What was I going to say? You know what, I just totally spaced. I don't fucking know. Anyways, I'm going to be over there and other dates coming up are Helsinki. I'm also going to be in Glasgow, Scotland. And I think that's it. That'll be it. Those are all the countries I'm hitting. Iceland, Ireland, Scotland, England, Norway, Sweden, Finland,

Copenhagen and the Netherlands. So there you have it. All right. With any luck, I'm going to go to Italy right before I do my tour. I'm going to sit there. Anybody has any advice? Anybody listen to this podcast over in Italy? Where should I go? What should I do? I got like three days. I've never been there. Should I go to Rome first? Should I see the Coliseum? And if I'm there, where should I eat? Because I know everybody else is going to be like, we got the best and they don't. I want you to tell me where it's at. All right. That's it. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. And that's it. I'll talk to you next week. All right.