Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-22-19

Episode Date: July 23, 2019

Bill rambles about the 80’s, cocaine, and getting your woman to the gym.

Even though woolly mammoths have been extinct for tens of thousands of years with the metaverse students will be able to go back to the ice age to visit them The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real. Learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact Hey, what's going on it's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast from Monday July 22nd 2019 what's going on? How are you? Podcast is very late today. I'd like to apologize to all the people out there affected Especially the ladies. I know

Being a woman. It's just so much harder to download a podcast than it is for a man And it's something that people with penises just cannot understand And and then furthermore when you compile that with the fact that you call it the Monday morning podcast and you make a promise To put the podcast on Monday morning, and it doesn't happen. I just feel like It brings up a lot of daddy issues I Would say yeah, can I have cornflakes in the morning and he'd be like yeah, yeah, and in the morning. I'd have Froot Loops and say sorry

I'm sorry. I'm sorry so sorry to all the sensitive kids I Should have called it the Monday evening podcast occasionally, but mostly it's the Monday morning podcast Alright, how are you? Oh, Billy freckles. Oh Billy thespian Billy shakes. Yeah, I'ma said shakes queer can't say that anymore shakes homo Sexual is that what you said? I don't know what the fuck he's supposed to say. I don't know what you're supposed to say

Well, maybe if you cared more about that go fuck yourself. I live in my own fucking world. All right, I Hold the door for people. I make sure I got my metro card out You know if I'm looking at my fucking phone when I walk down the streets in New York, I get up against the building Okay, that's what I do visible shit that you can see Okay, and you can put it all in the consideration column People walking around with your fucking words and you're still acting like a cunt Well good for you with all your your fucking happy words You know no one likes you. Oh, yeah, I went there. Nobody likes you

Who Bill who are you talking about? I don't know People people who fucking bug me the most cuntiest people I'm gonna fuck the I mean I am over time I had to go on set today and say things that other people wrote and it's just so exhausting Try being an actress you're not supposed to say actress anymore fuck Anyway They had a 5 a.m. Call what I got a fucking paper route again Is that what it is you got one of them pay for roots when I was a kid when I was a lad You know coming up in the 70s boom boom bap boom bap an open. Oh, hey

Freckles I had a a to pay peru kids had paper roots They got up in the morning got on bicycles and they rode around the neighborhood Dressed his paper boys daring somebody to kidnap them Did it every fucking morning pretty much except for one trip. We took one family trip Between third grade and ninth grade. I've told you these stories before started in third grade and it was cute No, look at the little ginger fucking guy with the big bag right by the time I was in ninth grade. I was like Clotting wasn't cute anymore. It's just like ooh this kid's not getting laid anytime soon Huh

Get a fucking little kid job and you're riding a bicycle. I'll tell you I haven't been to high school in a while But I tell you right now as far as I remember Then cheerleaders was not into that vibe you want to ride on my bike handles My handlebars bike handles handlebars Yep, I saved some money most of the money I blew on football cards Stupid fucking candy that doesn't even exist anymore Remember big buddy. It was a just fucking gum. It was like I swear to God. It was like 12 inches long

And it was just all one stick of it of giant thing It just said big buddy and you peeled it down you fucking just bit it off like beef jerky And you just kept going then of course to make your friends laugh You'd be like how much of the big buddy can you get in your fucking mouth? This is what we did before the internet This is what you did when you lived in a house and the UHF Antenna didn't work so there was no cartoons. There was just the adult channels during the day They just had the fucking news and Mike Douglas, and I would watch the occasional comedian, but you know All my friends were watching Tom and Jerry and Mighty Mouse and Woody Wood

You know the mighty heroes remember the mighty heroes What was that? How the fuck did that song go? Something like tornado man straw man diaper man, and then there was and cool cool. I couldn't stand that fucking asshole Could not stand him. He was fucking useless. He could barely get off the ground You know I Think I like torn I like strong man. That was the guy I liked Anyway going down the road here Johnny quest that type of shit all my friends were watching that crap, but where was I?

Sitting at home all by myself in a busy street watching days of our lives Mom is it true that you can come back if you fall off a cliff asking her those kinds of questions, you know soap opera storylines Anyways, I anyways, I'm gonna continue. That's how I say it. I don't give a fuck. I know it's anyway I don't give a shit anyways. I got back. There's nobody in my apartment my beautiful wife my lovely daughter We're out with some family members. They're out there getting pizza and everything and old freckles is on the movie diet So I'm sitting here all by myself eating a Mediterranean salad with some chicken right not something I want to do something. I got to do all right. I'm doing it for the craft

Okay, Tom Cruise he can learn how to fly helicopters all day long But is he gonna sit there with the Mediterranean salad all by himself? Is he gonna let all his people go home and just sit there in the silence? Just hearing that lettuce echoing in your head as you're chewing it You know I wonder I wonder if he's got it in him So I'm sitting there and what sounds like from up the street cuz New York's always no noisy. I thought it was like a truck Sounded like this truck and then a couple whoop whoop like the fucking

Cops or something on my car. It's something's going down and then it sounded like cheering I was like what the fuck is this and then all of a sudden it just I just started here this Not bad that baby time I'm like what the fuck is going on and it got a lot around. Yeah, that baby time Coming down to see was a fucking parade In in the middle of the rain. I don't know if it was a protest. I don't know what the fuck it is So I fucking open the window and I'm looking out the street. They're like Sorry if I hurt your ears there should have tapped on the chest. Sorry about that

It was a fucking parade in the middle of the rain. So a couple of Puerto Rican flags. I believe So I know it's not Puerto Rican Parade I don't think so. I don't know what all I know is it's hard to get a fucking Permit to to have a fucking legal parade So, but I don't know last night. Oh wait, is the Puerto Rican Day parade coming up because last night I saw like this whole fucking group of people on motorcycles all different sizes the real ones and then the little ones Just tearing through the fucking town and then you know, you know that three-wheeled car That you're not even enclosed. I don't even know how it's street fucking legal like for those went by it was fucking insane

And awesome all at the same time. Let's look. Maybe this is the pre Puerto Rican Day parade What is that Sunday June 14th? I missed it. I Don't know something's going on. I have no idea. Maybe the Yankee signed somebody alright Or maybe they're still not giving relief to those poor people down there in Puerto Rico. I don't know Maybe they were just happy. There was raining out the fucking heatway was over, but it was uh, it's pretty cool I missed New York opening the window and a parade just goes by it's great. I don't want to be in the parade I don't be trying to cross the street in the parade like what happened with the gay pride parade But the gay pride parade goes by and I'm upstairs in an air-conditioned

Unit I am you know, I'm up there fucking having a good time with everybody else You know my little damsel. Who's that chick who fucking had thrown out Rapunzel? No, not Rapunzel. Yeah Rapunzel Rapunzel let down your hair I got a confuse of Rumpelstiltskin Fucking evil cunt. Did he make that chick fucking she had her so or she had golden hair You had her making hoodies or something like that dude is anything better than fucking

Rapunzel's hair made into a hoodie With the gold pair of Jordan air ones over over I'll tell you right now. You guys got to reach out to Paul Verzi Paul Verzi podcast. I got him shook. My sneaker game Has elevated you know Good friend of mine bought me a pair of Jordan ones

Fucking Verzi is just like he's been texting me He just he doesn't even see them on me because he just saw a picture of him He goes dude those Jordans are sick. He'll just in the middle of the week Those Jordan ones you got are sick like I've never seen anybody Him and Yanis Poppins, I've never seen two people into sneakers the way they are they are like They're so into it. You almost you almost you know, somebody's so into something you can't even make fun of them You get like nervous Like it's just like making fun of somebody's religion because this is what this is feeling like

But I've got him twice on this trip Twice with the sneakers and he's I don't know Verzi actually opened for me. It was pretty cool. We did this theater in Englewood, New Jersey It's it's the first theater I ever did with Paul like 10 years earlier I remember driving up. They're going man. I've been in wouldn't a while and I started thinking like wait, is this the fucking Versi was opening goes this is a fucking place. I did with Verzi the second I walked in and I saw the stage. I Was like, oh shit. This is it. So Paul comes in

And I'm like Paulie He's like, what's up? I got dude. Look at that stage. He goes. Yeah, man looks good. It was just like, you know what this? This is the first place You opened for me You remember right and he's just like no man. He goes he goes is it he goes you're into that nostalgic stuff He said nostalgia. It's like no dude. It's just having a memory Nostalgia Jesus Christ. I'm not fucking antiquing here Anyways, he went out and fucking ripped it up. He ripped it up Paul Verzi ripped it up while wearing what I've never seen

He was wearing a pair of pumas brand new of course looking sharp But I have in the 10 years. This is me getting nostalgic again, evidently in the 10 years that I've known that guy I have never seen him in a pair of pumas It's always been Nike then he's thrown in a couple of random random things But they're always classic sneakers from a different era like maybe like I don't know Glenn Howard ones Or fucking I don't know that. Hello. That is I'm trying to think of a fucking old-time Ramil Robinson twos or something like that. He'll break those out, right?

But I've never seen what they were the old-school ones so I had to have a sit I had to find out You know because a lot of people don't know this Paul is a very humble guy. He keeps it on the down low He actually has one of the few Non-athlete sneaker deals that Nike has ever signed It's like Jay-Z. I mean, I'll just throw those guys where that shit didn't he have the s He had the shunt the s dots the Sean Carter's Remember back in the day Charlie Murphy rests his soul and those things came out. He got them all all the colors That was the first time I was introduced to people like you know, I grew up

You got a pair of sneakers at the beginning of the year and then that was it You actually were self-conscious at how clean they were and after about a month you felt a little bit better with them Right, you'd show up with your new fucking sneakers All right, and then the one broke kid would walk around accidentally step on it, you know, he could beat the shit out of you So you're like hey Hope that was an accident And then you just wore them for the whole fucking year and that was it your mother would buy him a half a size Or a size too big

And that was it Maybe that's what it was. Maybe all these maybe all of those kids They just wanted, you know You know, they're in therapy now. I just don't understand why my mom couldn't buy me another pair for Thanksgiving or you know How about Christmas? And then they do you know someday when I get older, I'm gonna have all the sneakers I ever wanted and every day is gonna look like the first day of school I'm just fucking with these sneakerheads. I respect it, but then there's another part that's just so fucking funny

Watching grown men in their 40s still dressing like they're waiting for a school bus. I Don't know. There's just something. I don't it's it's the dress down generation gone fucking nuts like it Take dressed out casual Friday Began I remember in the late 80s And I was working in a warehouse at the time and they just introduced casual Fridays And somebody asked I remember they said what's cash in the in the carpeted area where everybody dressed like a fucking little bud Fox, you know, and they got themselves a cubicle Got a little ready got a position

That was the big thing they got a position right in the carpeted area people somebody asked out there Remember they said what is casual Friday and I was walking by said, oh, that's when you guys dressed like us, you know Because we were just always jeans and t-shirts and they laughed and I felt good because I got a laugh All right, my hair was the color of a fire engine and I needed I needed to be reinforced. I Didn't have the self-esteem to sit and talk to myself on a microphone by myself for a fucking hour Yeah, anyways And then my boss ended up having a meeting about it He was like, you know, you know last week Friday, I believe was we had our first casual Friday and somebody

from the something something department asked what it was what's casual Friday and Bill Burr said that's when you dress like us it got a little chuckle and I was like, oh good I got another laugh, but I could feel the fucking impending doom coming and he's like, I think we should have a little more respect It's like we're fucking a lot of trucks. There's no air-conditioning out here Still the 80s was still tucking in our t-shirts into our jeans. It's not enough for you Coffin them at the top of our fucking ghost white Reebok aerobic high tops. That's not enough for you

Because you walk around and you've got a fucking tie on and all of a sudden, you know, you got a door and you're closing it Sitting in there with your air-conditioning you can fucking tell us how to drive Try to say we should have more self-esteem. I was just saying like that. We're fine So everybody kind of got fucking balled out because of me. I'm bringing that back by the way balled out Hear about Mike Fifth grade he got fucking balled out He got fucking bagged he was skipping school. He got fucking bagged Yeah, the principal was balling them out. I know it sounds oddly sex sexual, but that's what it was. He got balled out

I always took that to mean they take your balls out and they just fucking you kick you in the fucking seeds That's how I always looked at it Anyway, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about here. Oh the carpeted area and then those people they'd get in the carpeted They get a position And all of a sudden they did have a little skinny tie You know leather they were crushing ass on the fucking Weekend they'd have the leather tie letting people know, you know That it was going down, you know, you fucking you didn't have any sideburns

You just had it straight across right above your fucking ear and you had your leather tie Maroon with the black thin stripes and your black leather tie Tucked into your gray dockers your little fucking belt that came with the fucking pants You little fucking dance slippers Remember those little skinny those fucking shoes that people had back then not the not the fucking office shoes You know like I'm gonna wear them, but I'm gonna show people that I'm cool Then on the weekend I got a little game with the ladies and they they wear those they they swear to God They look like they look like dancing slippers that had like shoestrings on them

Came in white black, you know Gray and all this shit. They'd be walking around They get that fucking cubicle. What's the first thing they did make an extra money they start saving away, huh? Cut and let another fucking link off the chain. Ah, no, what'd they do? They'd go out and they'd buy a new fucking car Coming in like they were a badass and the people above them was psyched My brother told me that told me that was the dumbest fucking thing you could ever do You start making more money and then you spend more money And then you just watch all these fucking people build they go out there and they buy the fucking car

And they're stupid little skinny times, right? And they just they literally they just chained themselves to their fucking desk You know, he was giving me basically I was just talking to swing about this today He was basically giving giving me the the Bronx tale now you can't leave speech like four or five years Before it ever came out, you know Remember those fucking cars one guy got a good car though It's kind of the boss's son though. He got the Jeep Renegade or something like that I remember it was a big deal because it had square headlights Front headlights and all Jeep purists were flipping out because never in the history of Jeep or willies

Did it ever have square headlights? And they were saying it wasn't as good as the CJ seven and all that But I got to tell you that dude took us out fucking four-wheeling in that thing and Wait the fuck is this thing? Hey Bill running a show even as you Love to have you. Oh Jesus Christ. What am I fucking 18? Fucking wiped out

anyway He took us out four-wheeling in that thing and I could not and I couldn't fucking believe what it was going through Every time I thought it would bottom out each you know, and he was beating this shit out of it Like only a boss's son drives a new car Just knowing Not there's another one there, you know, it's like whenever you watch American greed And those fucking assholes they because they're feeling guilty about the money They're stealing they're being all generous with everybody else and either they break and open bottles that are like

Bottles of wine that are like fucking $10,000 each and they're like chugging them Because it's never gonna end right they just fucking you know, it's the 80s. It was a time of excess I missed out because I was a fucking teenager You know by the time I came of age everybody knew that cocaine was the big lie Was a big lie and they had all those fucking commercials, you know with the bacon and the eggs and People coming on there with their fucking nose all blown out Sitting there going like I had a wife and I had children and I had a beautiful house a pool Then I discovered cocaine

You know it started off as just you know, it's a good time. Yeah, maybe feel good, but I was easy to talk to I like I liked who I was this cocaine guy and then uh, you know Once in a while became a once in a week, you know, I thought I had under control. He's still showing up to work on time And then you know, they became something that I Was doing on the back of the toilet bowl every other 20 minutes and people Kept asking me what I was doing. I you know, I thought I had allergies and I was just really excited about it but eventually they figured I was on cocaine and my Oh

Life left me. She started fucking my sober sponsor, but that's a different story and that's that's what I was So everybody knew that fucking Cocaine was like a bad fucking deal, you know, which blows my mind I think that everybody just knew that it was bad. So it like it kind of went away at least Wherever the fuck I was at and then somewhere like 10 11 years ago. It just came back with a vengeance And I just remembered thinking like people are doing this again What the fuck like I get heroin Because the fentanyl and all of that shit was never around. So that just led people to that. That was like a new way in

Cocaine, it's just cocaine, right? I mean, you know what the fuck it is. You know what it's gonna do to you And people started doing I just was like really? Says the guy who smokes too many cigars. All right, I'm gonna get off my fucking stump here Do you know how you people should live your lives? You should live your lives the way I pretend to live my life That's the way you should live it. Okay This episode is all about me pretending like I've solved all my problems Did I talk to you guys about addiction? Hmm

my new uh This is my new way of looking at addiction. I think I might have talked about this. I don't give a shit um I find it fascinating. I'm really starting to think that addiction Like the amount of shit you're fucking addicted to but like no one gives a fuck like your phone and Food sugar salt and all of that. I think I already talked about this. So I really just came to this realization that If I'm doing something Then in my heart of hearts, I don't want to be doing then I'm on some level. I'm addicted to it

How many times late at night you're like walking home especially back when I was boozing don't do it Don't do it. Don't do it. Let me get two slices pepperoni mushroom What is that a garlic knot? Why don't you fucking throw a couple of those on top and then just come on? Fucking sucking it down You know pine ice cream. I'm only gonna have a first third of it You're fucking just

Chowing it down and the next morning you wake up Looking like the fucking Michelin man, right like oh, why did I do that? I don't want to do that. I want to be in shape I want to turn heads when I walk down the street Who is that bald 51 year old pigmentless person? right But yet you still do it Why do you do it?

On some I don't know what it is You just fucking give people. He's just I know it's so hard But just eating well is so hard Don't it's like fucking impossible. You know, I mean, what am I gonna know remember? I was like the pizza again, you know Those same fucking people as they're eating it will say to somebody in shape be like, dude I mean, I just I mean you can eat whatever the fuck you want. You know, I mean me it just fucking piles on Yeah, well when you fucking eat a whole large cheats pizza yourself they have fat so um

so I guess doing something you don't want to do but you know, it's because it's it's good for you Is is I guess being disciplined Like tonight I came home and I was just like, yeah fucking I could just feel it. I could feel it coming up You know the food demon We're just coming up there. Why don't you go out get your pizza? I like I don't want to get I mean I'd like to get a pizza And then fortunately there's this place that makes salads so before I could even give into that

I just went in and I was like, man, it's ready salad chicken Oh, what kind of salad dressing do you want? Whatever the fuck you put on it, dude Can't you see the sadness in my face? Are you really going to make me order even more just fucking throw it on there? now some douche Right now with excitement in his or her fingertips is going to send me an email and be like bill actually In a calorie sense was probably better if you ordered the pizza because a lot of salad dressings Actually have more calories in a big man. Shut the fuck up I don't give a fuck if it does

Okay, I'm still eating lettuce in fucking uh Fava beans whatever the fuck they put I never know what they're doing The salad is such a fucking mystery to me like I don't even know where to begin like how do you even fucking make one? You know, then you got to get one of those fucking knives You know, it's got two handles. You just fucking You go back and forth like fucking two people sawn down a tree in the fucking early 1900s

um You know, I've eaten so many of those fucking things on this shoot and I really have no idea what's in it Be once in a while you spot something Is that a chickpea? um anyways Jesus christ Is that what you got to do to stay in shape just fucking walking down the street eating a head of iceberg lettuce?

I would like to do that one night right outside of an ice cream truck Just sitting there eating a head of lettuce and just shaking my head slowly looking at all the people as they order You know have like really dark sunglasses on so you can't tell who i'm looking at Just shaking my head As they order yeah, let me get a uh soft serve double bubbling up. Oh, Jesus Excuse me buddy, is there a problem? No, no, I'm just just hanging out just hanging out. Jesus fucking guys You really need two I heard that um

Why would you do that though? What could you secretly want an ice cream? Yes It's exactly why I would do it You know I'd like to have my own parade of people fucking eating heads of lettuce coming right down the street that people eat an ice cream Fuck you you fat fuck right One of the most hateful parades since the nazis, you know, you go back to the fucking nazis, right? Just body-shaming I want to know I think we all want to know who gave the permit for that parade

Stop speaking for everybody else. They're right there double chin Okay You got more fucking liquid between your chins and the fucking rainforest Why bill why be mean like that? I don't know It's ain't a salad. I'm in a bad move. Give me a fucking break. All right, let's talk about um Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Who is that? Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things That may be let's talk about sex ladies

That was salt and pepper Salt and pepper. She spelled it the right way the way the people in Boston say it Salt and pepper dude You're gonna go see them I know they're not the right color. Just don't tell your parents. I think we'll be fine And that was 1988. Um, all right, let's see here. Uh new dates. Oh, I got some new dates. Rock, rip, rip, read, rub I'm gonna be in Asheville North Carolina

I wish I knew what they were saying if I could just somehow slip into their parade and just fucking march down the street with them And they'd be like who the fuck is this? Fucking albino, Puerto Rican Asheville, North Carolina October 11th I'm gonna be at the tomas Thomas wolf auditorium Pre-sale is wednesday july 24th at 10 a.m. Until thursday

July 25th at 10 p.m. On sale friday july 26th at 10 a.m I don't know if there's some sort of Special code. I will uh ask me agent And I'll fucking tweet it out Um, I'll do it right now. That's why I don't forget Is there a special code for the pre-sale of the

Fuck am I north carolina show? Question mark It's hilarious. It literally wrote that out. Is there a special for the pre-sale of the fuck am I north carolina show? Oh, you know, it's the little things in life that just make you laugh, you know All right, let's see here. What do we got here? How far into my 30 minutes? Geez just like that I'll tell you something about sunstroke just makes a fucking podcast go by real quick The week All right, let's uh, let's do some reads here. Oh, look who's back

Wait, is this the first fucking Oh, good boys Oh, this is an advertising read. Oh, this is about a fucking movie. Oh, this is exciting because this is uh, I believe this is uh Seth rogan I love his movies. All right. Good boys. What if the guys who made some of the most outrageous r-rated comedies like super bad and sausage party? Decided to make an r-rated comedy starring 12 year old boys Jesus Post me too. They're going hard

Well, they did it and it's the hilarious new movie called good boys It follows three innocent sixth graders as they skip school one day to do whatever it takes to learn how to kiss before their first middle school party See, I mean right there. That's how you sell a movie That's how you pitch a movie good boys. Well, that was what is it about It's a movie that follows three innocent sixth graders It's a skip school one day to do whatever it takes to learn how to kiss before their first middle school party I'm buying it That's it. This man knows how to do business out there

The thing is they get themselves into a ton of inappropriate and r-rated situations along the way Early audiences and critics have been raving about good boys saying that you'll laugh for 90 minutes straight They're calling it delightfully inappropriate all the pendulum swinging back I'm feeling a breeze after the heat wave Wild raunchy. I'm seeing this the first night and undeniably sweet. Oh when it has a heart See that makes the industry feel okay. Who do we root for? Um, don't forget to go see good boys in theaters august 16th I'm gonna be there the big vat of fucking popcorn because I'll be done shooting this movie

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zi p r e c r u i t er dot com slash burr zip recruiter The smartest way to hire All right, there we go. Is it time for the reads yet? Is it time for the reads? All right. Oh, look at this Look at this. Oh, one of the favorite rare things that happens on this podcast But it's starting to happen more because you know what I asked the universe and when you do that

The universe provides This is a question and it's coming from a lady Hey bill, I am a 19 year old lady And i'm a huge fan I work with horses and always listen to your podcast while i'm riding and bringing horses in and out Is that dangerous? I mean, I don't know you're on a fucking horse. What are you gonna worry about another fucking horse? I almost said texting while galloping. I'm sorry. What is going on with me?

What is it? 19 falcon duty 9 here bill get the comedy into 2019? Um, it's a gender neutral horse I get so excited for mondays and thursdays because it makes work go by a little faster When I get to listen to your podcast. Well, thank you I show everyone your stand-up and you are by far my favorite comedian. What the fuck? Okay. Do you got a question? I'm german irish. I can't take compliments. I'm currently saving up money to see you for my birthday Anyways, thank you for brightening my day with some laughter What the fuck is that email all about?

Jesus christ, you think I got some heat coming my way. See this lady likes me That was not me shaking my dick down at the port authority as much as you might think it was Don't you get away with one of those? You get the r kelly free pass one time you can say that's not me And then the second time they're like no, dude, that's you. All right 70s, uh, Atlanta falcons fact All right, so a couple podcasts ago I was talking about the very interesting argument that somebody presented that the 1977 Atlanta Falcons are actually the best NFL defense of all time

And that includes the 1985 Super Bowl shuffle monsters of the midway chicago bears and the fucking 2000 uh baltimore ravens who really should have had a nickname For their defense, you know, you think they would have um, but anyway Um, and they were saying because and they went statistically But you know the game has changed so much. They only played they played 14 games

You know what I mean? They played in a fucking weak division I'm not saying they weren't good, but easy easy to just slow like How many yards they give up passing? Yeah, they gave up a little bit less. It's way too many fucking variables, especially now With the rules of coverage and all of this fucking shit. I can tell you this right now The 77 falcons the 85 bears and the 2000 uh baltimore ravens would be giving up way more fucking yards than they did If they had to play by today's, you know, don't tackle them too hard rules

so anyway But i'm loving These old school football facts. So please keep them coming in or any old school sports. Whatever. I don't give a fuck cricket I don't give a shit write something in I don't give a fuck. All right 70s atlanta falcons fact Hey, oh billy reads a lot Uh, you and I are on the same age and it appears we both got into football around the same time Growing up in the midwest. I never watched the atlanta falcons Of the mid to late 70s and never realized how dominant that defense was until recently

This is what I was talking about your comments about the falcons on a recent podcast reminded me of my favorite goof from that era And I actually he sent this in a company video. I'll also I will definitely uh Put tweet this out too this link of this guy dav hampton Said have you heard the story about the first 100 1,000 yard rusher? Dave hampton. No, it was the first, uh Wasn't it the first it was atlanta's first thousand yard rusher? I mean oj was fucking tearing it up He's getting 2,000 yards up there in buffalo, you know

In case you haven't heard Uh, here are the highlights With the shitty Dude, I just almost made the most fucked up joke about oj sips up there at buffalo You know When he was still dating black chicks, you know, he was rushing for 2,000 yards You know those chicks knew how to fight. So, you know, he fucking focused on his game Then he got the 49 as you started dating white chicks and it all went off the fucking rails

Are you blaming white women? Yes. No Um, okay in case you haven't heard here are the highlights with a shitty video clip at the end. It's not shitty It's great. Dave hampton was playing in his last game. Okay. I'm gonna just I actually watched the video So the atlanta falcons were an expansion team. I believe came in the league in 66 Or were they part of the early 70s? Now, I gotta look that fact up. Okay What am I gonna make you guys do that at work? People are gonna know that you're not teaching to listen to a podcast not the fucking stock report. Whatever the hell you're supposed to be doing I'll look it up

atlanta falcons Wiki or football reference. Let's go with those guys. I like those guys better um Okay, atlanta falcons 1966 BAM There's yet another fact that's never gonna make me any money in life or get a roof over my head But I know it 1966 they came in the league. They were a fucking joke

Okay fucking joke Um, just got trampled their entire I don't know how many years of existence and uh So they didn't have a lot to cheer about So anyway, they had this guy Dave Hampton comes in the early 70s All right, it's a 14 game season. So getting a thousand yards was two games harder It's still hard to this day, especially the way they're passing all the fucking time

It was really hard back then especially the way they could fucking this shit. They could do to you Yet like twist somebody's head all the way back around before they'd call a face a face off a face mask it seemed So they're finally going to have their first a thousand yard rusher Thousand yard rusher and uh, the whole crowd's going crazy. It's the only thing they have to cheer about It's so to the point that in the last game of the season He he rushes he gets he gets literally like a thousand yards on the nose There's a couple of minutes left

They're so fucking excited. They actually stop the game With two minutes left Bring them out to midfield. They give them a fucking trophy and the game ball And the fucking game ball And I didn't see that he holds the trophy up. It's you know, it says congratulations Dave Hampton first thousand yard season 1970 whatever the whole fucking thing He's in his head. I'm taking the offensive line out for steak dinners and all of this shit

right But now they got two minutes left So i'm thinking what's going to happen. He's going to go in the next play and then he's going to blow out his fucking knee And he never plays again worse No, not worse, but close They give him the ball in the next play The quarterback stumbles he pitches it

The dude fumbles he didn't really fumbles a bad pitch He cut went off his hand. He bounced he picks it up like the athletics so and so that he is And at this point it's a sweep the fucking team He's playing stretches it out and they get him for a six yard loss So now he's got 994 yards Oh And guess what happened the rest of the game people This is a charlie brown story if I ever fucking heard one the poor fucking bastard

They they don't the the the other team is so fucking pissed that they had that whole trophy ceremony ceremony They just stacked the fucking line And he doesn't get the yards so now he's got this big fucking trophy for something he accomplished and it was immediately taken away And nfl films makes this whole fucking film about just a step behind or some shit about them And it gets worse the next year same fucking thing at this point. It's a thing All right 14th game of the season is he gonna fucking do it and the 49ers were in that division So, you know, they hated them right they were just being cunts and they were like fucking throw the ball all you want

This mother fuck is not getting a thousand yards. They stacked the fucking line at the end of the game again And he doesn't get the thousand yards So then the third season this is like a fucking movie There's finally a happy ending the third season He's playing against the Packers He needed like a sizable chunk of yardage and he broke off like a 15-yard run And he went over the thousand yard and the coach finally fucking get him out of the game Got him out of the game

And he finally fucking he finally got his uh his thousand yards And you see they actually interview the guy and he's he's talking about it like people are still talking about people aren't now I just fucking brought it up. I hope I didn't just start some shit again But I would think if you played in the 70s and then eventually you got the thousand yards You know and he did it with Atlanta So I mean with the teams the the anemic offense that they had back then I mean that was like gaining like fucking I would say 13-14 hundred yards today

I'm just going to pull that number right out of my freckled ass and I'm going to stand by it Uh, anyway, this guy says I hope you enjoy this and as always go blues and go fuck yourself. Ah you motherfucker Congratulations on your Stanley Cup Championship I am happy for you as a st. Louis blues fan. All right God bless you. It's the end of july. I'm letting it go All right. Oh, my kiddo just came in. Uh-oh. I gotta hit pause here. Hang on a second All right, I'm back. I'm back. Had to say hello to the kiddo and the lovely wife. Um And my kid's awesome. She loves she loves the rough house. It's my favorite thing ever favorite thing ever

Um, anyway, what am I talking about here? Uh, the 70s football blah blah blah blah All the blues is that what I ended on? Yeah, I can fucking Be man enough to say congrats. What are you doing in here? What are you doing in here? You're not supposed to be in here while daddy's podcasting. He says the bad words bye Bye-bye Watch yourself. Watch your fingers. All right

So anything scarier than watching your toddler close the door. You like what your fingers? Um Yeah, bill. There's other things that are scary. Well, whatever. Okay boyfriend is all talk. Oh boy. Here we go. Oh We here we go. Here we go. Oh jesus. Um Hey billy Hey billy for ladies ladies. I just realized my boyfriend is all talk He talks about how funny he is all the time, but the only people that laugh at his jokes are his friends He said he could have been on snl if he had the right surroundings as a child

What the fuck does that even mean? Uh, probably a worse childhood than he had I would think I think he's charming, but I have harder laughs with strangers When i'm out doing errands. Oh my god, please don't ever tell him this Um, when I tell him he looks unhealthy. He tells me it's because he has a beard now And it's all in my head He wasn't good shape when we met but he's put on 20 pounds in the first two years after college All right, he doesn't make you laugh. You don't like his beard. You think he looks unhealthy Are you just going to criticize your way out of this fucking relationship? Like what's going on?

She goes, it's not the stupid looking beard Oh, she goes he put on 20 pounds in the in the first two years after college. It's not the stupid beard. Sorry I actually fucked up your perfectly written joke there He says he's in great shape, but he's not he gets tired playing with my nephew after like 10 minutes Dude, you should be a fucking comedian. You're destroying this guy And has never made any effort to work out despite the fact that he says he wants to and quote will someday when his schedule allows it I work a full-time job and still make time to do pilates four days a week Which requires me to wake up at 5 a.m. Yeah, you're basically an astronaut

and you're you're Dating somebody who watched the lunar landing. That's essentially what you're doing here. Okay, so Anyways, she goes, I know I'm gonna break up with them. Yeah, I think all my entire podcast fan base knows you're gonna break up with them Anyways, I just feel bad because he didn't do anything wrong It's just that we're way too different and it's becoming more apparent as time goes by it's as simple as that Well, you know something congratulations to you for realizing that She goes I want to be honest with him and tell him he's full of shit. Don't need to do that Will that help him in the future to have heard the truth or will it make things worse?

No, just say the first half You don't have to say i'm breaking up with you because you're full of shit because he's gonna be like How am I full of shit you're gonna be like well first of all you say you're funny and you're not Okay You're fucking friends laugh, but that's just because they got the uh, what a patsy kline syndrome where they call it Patty her syndrome. I don't what the fuck it is You got him held captive You say you're in shape you're not

You say you look sickly Because of your fucking beard it isn't it's because you gained 20 pounds You this is what you're gonna do this guy You're already gonna fucking crush the guy if he's in love with you Um, I think you just you said look you know you're gonna break it I just feel bad because he didn't do anything wrong. Just tell him look you didn't do anything wrong. I just need more And I have to go figure out what that is something there's always the easy escape hatch you can fucking pull

Um, but it's that's such a huge fucking thing to know that you're not getting what you want and to know And to be strong enough to get out of it rather than settling With some fucking mushy bearded guy who doesn't make you laugh congratulations to you and don't be mean Okay, just fucking Lay it out there The first half you can leave that other shit. That's the other shit. You tell your fucking Girlfriends of some shit. All right All right, there we go

Plown ahead here All right, um, all right girlfriend hates the gym Well, Jesus, I think I found your fucking rebound guy right here This guy's doing pilates. Oh billy matchmaker over here Hey, billy dingle dick. I don't know what that means. I like it Sounds like what my dick is like around fucking christmas. I do that. I hang little sleigh bells off it I'm probably not that gets a little crowded down there with all the balls if you know what I mean I'm probably not the first guy to ask you about this and I probably won't be the last

Probably not the first guy problem would be the last. All right, so me and my girlfriend Have been dating for a year now And are very much in love. We've been living together for a while now. She eats good food most of the time She eats good most of the time and is in decent shape But she absolutely despises the gym and it's only a matter of time before Her italian family meals start to catch up with her I mean, look, you get a lot of groans from a live studio audience of fucking cows, but you're you're being fucking honest Uh, she's told me to help her to lose weight lose some weight, but she makes it very difficult

When I tell her we can't get a frosty from wendy's at 10 p.m She acts all sweet and gives me the puppy dog face until I cave Oh brother Next time she does that you got to get one of those gatorades that you can squeeze into somebody's mouth She makes that face just fucking squeeze it in there I need to see a little more commitment Um, don't do that All right

Telling her no is probably as hard as telling your daughter. She can't have any more sweets. That's wrong, sir That is wrong. Okay. You don't love this girl the way you're gonna love your kids someday. Trust me All right, and stop copping out. What it is is you don't got the fucking kahonis Downstairs there to fucking say what you're feeling Or maybe have the brains not to say it anyway and convincing her to come to the gym with me is no easy task either Last week I tried to get her to do an at-home abs workout But she pulled down my pants and decided to blow me instead. So I'd leave her alone Jesus christ this woman hates the gym

I mean, she's just going next fucking level You know what she's gonna do when that one both those tricks don't work She's gonna have to get creative and start combining tricks Honey, I have a fantasy I have a fantasy that I go to wendy's and I get a frosty and I blow you I have that fucking frosty in my mouth Let me tell you she'll be swallowing that night. Oh bell for fuck shakes. Keep it clean. Keep it above board christ says kids walking around um Anyway, she says i'm definitely going to let her do that for a while longer

But who knows how long that will last I still love her. Uh, that's not a good line. I still love her I still love her sounds like it's fading If you said look, I love this girl, but but I still I still love her I'm still hanging in there. I still love her Oh, I I'd still love her if she gets fat, but let's be honest who wants to be banging Who doesn't want to be banging a slim smoke show in their middle ages exactly So bill what can I do and there's nothing wrong with that if this isn't what you're looking for this whole fucking thing That you have to accept a fatty now and that there's some sort of fun

They're borderline war heroes they talk about fat people now like they were in fucking fallujah. It's ridiculous Anyway, so bill what can I do to get her to enjoy exercising without being a complete dick to her? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Uh, this is what you got to do Before you tell it that you want to go to the gym go jerk off So she she won't confuse you anymore All right What you're dealing with here this reminds me because mariana revera is going into the hall of fame You know what mariana revera what made him who's that? What are you doing?

Is it bath time? I'm guessing it's bath time Back here. Hi You came in to see daddy All right, you're gonna go get a bath. I'm gonna finish this up and then I'm gonna put you to bed We're gonna sink to you right before bed. Okay Did you just shrug your shoulders at me? Bye-bye, buddy. I love you

Love you too. Bye Um Fucking hilarious Every night before the bath she just starts the second she gets all the clothes off She then wants to run fucking laps all around the fucking house Screaming now I'm naked butt It's the funniest fucking thing ever here is she comes. All right, anyway, um Listen to your mother

That's called couch parenting while passing it off on the other one Um, learn that skill set about six weeks ago and I'm loving it. Oh look who's back. What are you doing? All right, close the door. I gotta I gotta finish this up Um Anyway, uh, what the hell was oh Jesus Christ. I was talking about fucking frosty blowjobs. This has really gotten weird here Sorry, uh, I'm definitely gonna let okay. What do I do here? Um, yeah, this is like mariana revera Where like everybody knew what was coming and they couldn't hit it And you're in the same fucking position you like somebody facing maria and revera in the bottom of the knife

You know the blowjobs coming and it's just it's it's it's gonna it's gonna take you down the game's gonna be it's gonna be over All right This is you want to if you really want to be a dick take the blowjob Okay, and then say now and now we're going to the gym It's too big. What are you talking about? It's like, well, you just worked all your neck muscles And I don't want you back and you know all this other stuff to be, you know, you don't want to be like overdeveloped in your neck here um I would just sit down with her and just say listen

Um I how do you say how do you say I don't have the fucking energy to drag you to the gym You're okay. Let's just say what I want to say. Okay. It's not my fucking job to drag your fucking lard ass to the next to I'm not my job I just don't have the fucking energy to try to get you to go to the gym every fucking day. All right. I can't say that's too fucking mean Just say listen I read somewhere. This is always great to cover your inner thoughts. I read somewhere vague Putting it off on this phantom person with no footnote. Most people won't call you. I don't I read somewhere

that Oh, Jesus. I had it and I lost it. I read somewhere that You know, the best thing you can do for somebody Is is let them go to the gym on their own Okay It's just like a little kid at some point you got to let them go and get out there You know Take the training wheels off or whatever and ride the bicycle down the street

Please skip this bicycle analogy. It's fucking terrible. You're immediately gonna be bombing You're starting to get dry mouth and she's gonna I don't know She's gonna start crying. Just start with whatever the fuck. I just said okay, so I'm gonna go to the gym. I would love for you to go to the gym with me Okay, but I'm leaving it. I'm gonna leave it up to you Okay Why will you don't believe in me? No. No, it's not that I just feel like I'm pressuring you and it's not something that you want to do

Right now and it's just making me feel bad. I don't I don't want to be like overbearing Just gotta fucking sit in the pocket is she hems and haws and haws and hems And then just say and just stick to your fucking guns Like it isn't up for debate all right Fucking tattoo that on your forearm like that guy in that fucking movie when he kept forgetting shit And just stick that is the thing. All right. I'm going to the gym All right, I would love to work out with you the door is wide open

I need you to walk through it And then stand up And just drop the frosty right on the fucking floor and you're out Please videotape that let me know how it goes So All right winding it up winding it down here All right here wrapping it up winding it down wrapping it up winding it up. That's how my brain works. Sorry overrated underrated I used to have these all the time stuff. That's overrated stuff. That's underrated, right

Underrated having your fucking metro card out, you know ready to fucking go through the turnstile all right Overrated taking a fucking express train when you live in Manhattan. It never really passes the local To fucking pipe dream you need to go to least three express stops for it to be worth you well And I'm not counting 34th and 42nd because that's the one that slows you down. That's a little clog in the artery there. All right Dear Big daddy billy bob. I've got an interesting overrated versus underrated topic for you. I think going on vacation is overrated Think about it. How much time preparation and stress does it take to go on vacation? I'm with you

You end up more stressed than you would have been staying at home and spending time with your family. Oh my god Genius Man a woman who wrote that it's fucking genius I'll tell you. You know, it's a great vacation a vacation that you can drive too quickly All right I'll tell you what we should have done my family should have done this was fucking take advantage of all the fucking lakes when I was living out here on the east coast Go up to New Hampshire

You know just fucking go to a fucking lake. Fuck the airport Fuck those fucking airlines with yeah, you can only use your miles when we say you get out. Really? Fuck your miles I'm going to a lake Just sit on a fucking lake Just don't have it be a long drive And this is another thing Getting home earlier

You know and just fucking Being at home for a couple of days and you don't tell anybody that you're home Shut your fucking phone off. Tell everybody you're going to greece and stay home How was greece? It was great Then they find out later, you know, you never went to greece You know, I had fucking greasy breakfast every day. Does that fucking go Jesus? All right, which leads me to my next point Having no plans For the weekend is underrated. Absolutely. It is

When you have nothing to do that equals free time free time to do whatever the fuck you want to do What do you think bill? I think there was two nails and you fucking hit the head fucking ahead of each one of them I don't think a nail gun could have fucking done better than what the fuck you just did with that hammer and those two nails That is 100 fucking true You know, unless you have like a dream vacation I've always wanted to go to Rhode Island, you know, then I say go I thought an island was surrounded on all sides by water go have a good time, right Go to greece. I mean, I would do that, you know, but other than that dude like I'm telling you

JFK Newark LaGuardia lax. Oh hair. I'm trying to find one that isn't fucking stressful Unless you can somehow fly a short southwest flight out of like Dallas love field You know, or maybe like Long Beach fly out of fucking Long Beach or something like that Just something that just makes the airport a little bit easier. I don't know what but I am big on the uh, I'll tell you right now Everybody makes fun of a fucking RV I want to hear from RV people. I'm getting the itch man. I'm getting the fever getting that RV fever

I get it every fucking summer told you I want to get a fucking GMC Fucking RV from the 70s the green one I want to get one of those fucking things so bad You know, I just have no place to put it and that's one of those one of those things My wife was looking at me and I just I'm like, you're right. I know I know but come on Come on Let's do it You know, it's funny, I should just fucking do it

I should decide the guy who built my truck I should just have him buy one of those fucking things and just make one of those fucking things and I should tell her I should fucking tell her that we're going on a local vacation, which is not going to excite her All right, and then I just pull up and I think Oh my god, what is that you're fucking cherry at sweetheart and she's gonna get on there big smile on her face I'll have a little bit of rosé. I'll be sitting up front like an old man You know old man. They always wear that sailor fucking hat the captain of the ship, right? Just fucking driving on the fuck. Oh my god

Get the The fucking tv going For my kid, baby Shark doo doo doo doo doo doo get that fucking thing going I haven't built in a little fucking humidor in there. I mean Jesus christ I think I just talked myself back into it All right dilemma Bill I oh my god, I have to have neon to tell you the story

Of this woman who fucking punched her in the neck in fucking time square She has to come i'm teasing you i'm teasing you For the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast I'm gonna have is my special guest my special lady and she's gonna tell the story And I was there when it happened And I had to get in between them two females Dilemma bill I have a tough slash stupid one for you For the rest of your life, you can never use furniture

I miss all of this overrated underrated and dilemma. I miss these for the rest of your life. You can never use furniture no bed no couch no chairs or Behind door number two for the rest of your life. You can never leave the city you reside in Which do you choose? Dude i'm a traveling comedian. That's how I make my money So the only way I win is if I pick las vegas And I become a casino comic Sitting in that heat with global warming just getting worse every fucking year

No bed no couch no chairs for the rest of your life. You can never use furniture. You know what fuck that? I'm picking i'm gonna stay in the same city And i'll make it fucking work because i'll tell you right now like your health is more important than fucking traveling And if i'm gonna be slain on the floor like a goddamn cake, can I have a fucking yoga mat? Well, that's not furniture right wait a minute wait. Let's see if billy can build a nest here You didn't say anything about an air mattress. Oh my god, how sad would that be every night with that little fucking motor? Filling up the fucking mattress People in the next fucking motel thinking you got gas

It's like the longest one I ever heard um Yeah, i'm gonna have to say I would I would Can I choose I'd have to say no furniture. I would go with like a fucking air mattress Look at those homeless people. I mean they have well Jesus Christ. Look how they look bill. I mean they sleep on the fucking street cardboard box Fold it up I know that'd be a lot of cardboard boxes. God knows those things attract fucking rats. Um, I would still have to I would pick travel

But then that means like what does my whole family they can't have furniture? Because my my my kid's not growing up. I'm not no one of the bettors Um, if you're saying my whole family then I would choose staying in the city But it was if it was just me if I was like bill bixby just had a backpack traveling around, you know Can other people can I like hook up with chicks on the road? You know use their furniture. I don't know. That's a tough one man. That's a tough one But with if I'm if I'm choosing my family Like Liam Neeson

Then I would go with the furniture if I'm by myself. I would choose to travel Oh, billy apple seed here. All right, that's the podcast. Okay Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you with a juicy story for my lovely wife About getting punched in the fucking neck in time square. All right, I'll see you Some people say the metaverse will only be virtual But one day firefighters will use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings faster saving crucial seconds when lives are at risk Doctors will use the metaverse to visualize scans and make quicker decisions in a and e And though woolly mammoths are extinct

In the metaverse students will go back to the ice age to visit them The metaverse may be virtual But the impact will be real lemaw at meta.com slash metaverse impact