Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-24-17

Episode Date: July 24, 2017

Bill rambles about being and old man, microchips and Aaron Judge.

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2017, what's going on? How? Why? Yeah I gotta keep my voice down I got my little one here who's sleeping In the next room, I am in New York City I got a little acting gig here On a little movie In a little city called New York City For the next week, I'll be doing that shit

So I'm acting during the day and night Whenever the hell they have me doing it And then I come home and I look at the scripts That we're working on, Effors for Family And I don't know, that's become my life here I actually did one spot this weekend Though I went over to the Gotham Comedy Club Hadn't been there in fucking years

Went over there, had a great time And tried to maybe pop in and do another spot Maybe next weekend or something So I don't forget all my fucking jokes But Jesus Christ has New York changed I can't believe it Like everybody lives in Brooklyn now I don't know, there's a bunch of people still living in Manhattan

But I don't know, Manhattan is weird now They took it too far I remember when I first lived here Manhattan was scary You were always being aware of people around you I remember buying a jacket, a hat Trying to look tougher than I really was Just trying anything you could do to keep that fucking thing off you

And even then, I guess it was way better Obviously than it was in the 70s and the crack 80s and everything And Giuliani had just taken over But somewhere along the line, man They just took it too far I felt like I was in Sacramento or something You know? Not saying there aren't dangerous parts of Sacramento

There's dangerous parts of it It just felt like it didn't feel like New York Like there was no vibe I guess it was kind of cool, you know? Like families and shit It's starting to feel like a theme park I don't know, it's a weird thing to complain about That it's like too safe

But it's just, I don't know Probably just a grumpy old man It's definitely not the city I remember So I was out in Brooklyn Rehearsing some of this shit that I gotta do for next week And just going through there Oh my god, all the fucking high rises Oh my god

All the fucking high rises and shit that they're building over there And it's just not... I remember I used to date this woman That fucking lived off the G train Like fucking 15 years ago And it was like going to another fucking world Um... And uh...

Nah, you go, I don't know what the fuck's going on I don't know I'm just an old man going This isn't the way it used to be You know, I went over there and it's like we're all like the hipsters But even everybody's so anti-hipster That even hipsters don't dress like hipsters anymore But you can still see them, you know?

Now the new vibe is you sort of like You have like the Conor McGregor haircut With the good Charlotte tattoos and clothes, you know So you kind of look like Does this guy build custom motorcycles Or does he ride a tricycle with the giant front wheel You know, is he making his own brew Is he working one of those fucking brewers

You know, it's none of that You know The Michael Jackson pants that don't quite make it down Do your fucking sneakers or shoes Whatever the fuck they are I don't know, like Brooklyn's like, it's like nice now I don't know, it's fucking

It was, yeah, Jesus Christ What I want to know is when did all those people go When they white it all up Like where do all the rest of the people go Where do all those restaurants go Where does that vibe go All that culture Where the fuck does it go

Everything just looks like a fucking forever 21 now And everything's just a giant glass Luxury fucking apartment building Who the fuck has all this money I thought these fucking millennials were broke They were coming out of college with all this college debt And there were no fucking jobs And all they do, you know

I don't know what's going on If you're trying to buy a house right now It's like if you don't have like You try to buy a house and there's some Chinese guy Guy from the Middle East or a Russian guy That just comes in and just fucking bids all cash I think this is my fucking conspiracy theory That Russia, China and the Middle East

Are in cahoots with each other And they're like, look, well we can't like Just go over and start bombing those guys You know, the United States have nuclear weapons And as we saw in World War II They will use them not once but twice Right? So they know they can't do that

So I think what they're doing now is They're just gonna fucking Just slowly buy as much as they can And put a Chinese guy, a Russian or an Arab In all of those and then they'll be They'll have infiltrated our country Then they'll run for office And then they'll just switch the whole fucking thing

Do I sound like that guy talking about Our precious bodily liquids or fluids In Dr. Strangelove? I don't fucking know I think this is a part of being my age Where like you live long enough That you remember how it used to be And now you're seeing it changing

It's kind of freaking you out Maybe that's what it is Maybe I'm just one of those guys being like Wow, you know, when I die someday Like no one's gonna give a fuck And this is just gonna keep going, isn't it? I guess I'm not that important Anyways

I fucking got my hand held goddamn recorder here Because Yeah, because I'm on the road And I didn't have any room to bring all my podcast shit Because I got the kid now And that's a fucking trip, huh? Packing up all your stuff All the stuff you need for the kid

I don't know It's not that bad You just pack it all up And then you just go to curbside Fucking hand somebody a 20 And just be like, yeah, just shove all this shit Under the plane And that's it

Then you get one of those giant wheelie things When you land You just wheel it out And you throw it all in a cab Right? Then you yank it out And then you got the guy at the hotel And you fucking

He puts it on a wheelie thing It's really not that bad Everybody acts like they have to carry it And fucking hold it in their lap on the plane ride You don't Just pay the extra money Shove it under the fucking plane And be done with it

But my daughter did great on the plane You know, I guess kids before they're like one years old Like the air pressure stuff Doesn't quite bug them as much I don't know why Maybe they use station tubes They're so small I don't understand why

It wouldn't But people claim that it doesn't And for those of you who don't understand That ear-popping thing Which I didn't It's just You know, when you take off The air inside your ear

On the other side of your eardrum Is That pressure as you ascend Becomes higher Than the pressure on the other side of your eardrum The outside part That leads to the little fucking escape hatch On the side of your head

So there's that difference in air pressure We all know high pressure Always goes to low pressure And it takes the most direct route Which is pushing against your fucking eardrum And then when you land It's the exact opposite So when you're going up

Your eardrum is getting pushed out Because the pressure is higher there And then when you land It becomes the opposite I believe that's correct, right? Yeah, that's right Because as you go back down again The pressure becomes higher outside your ear

That's all that's going on And you can't explain that to a baby I was barely able to explain it to you So anyway, she did great on the plane She slept a lot And then when she wasn't You know, I just got up And I was walking around with her

And, you know, flight attendants loved her I mean, who doesn't love a baby, right? And fortunately my daughter's like really cool She's got this thing where she just kind of Like she's met so many people already That she's not freaked out by people So when she meets someone new She just like, you know

Borderline in a rude way Just stares at them And it takes her like a good like three minutes And then eventually she's like Alright, I get who this person is And then she smiles And then turns away into your chest She gets a little shy

Oh, would you look who's here? Would you look who's here? And she gets me away And there she goes You gonna come back out? Alright Yeah, so we were able to do that It wasn't that bad

And this is kind of cool Like I'm back in New York with the whole family Makes doing the road way better I can tell you that Now I just have to convince my wife To come along with me With our daughter And I go to like the not fun places

I've always given her shit about that You know She's always good to support me You know, when I go to a fun city You know, but when I go to like Fucking Jacksonville, Florida I'm on my own You know

Which is really bullshit Because I have a lot of fun in that town You know Eat a little bit of alligator You go to a gun range Why not? Anyways Let's try to bring the energy up here

This is a fucking hard one to do It's hard to do when I gotta keep my voice down You know Anyways So I'm totally back into my New York vibe You know, I really missed what I've lived in the Since living on the west coast Is I really missed the Yes Network

When I lived here 10 years ago Can't fucking believe that I've been on LA for 10 fucking years I used to always You know I would watch the Yes Network And root against the Yankees That was like my shit

I never watched the Mets I could never get into the fucking Mets But that's what I would do I would watch almost every single Yankee game As many of them as I could Or watch the replays when I got home And I would just sit there And I would just root against them

But I mean, you had to watch them They were like this $200 million juggernaut And I used to always go to Yankee Stadium I'd go by myself Because I lived on the east side You could just jump on the fucking What is it, the 4-5-6 Take it right up to the Bronx

Old Yankee Stadium Which was actually renovated Old Yankee Stadium And I would sit in like the fucking Upper deck for like $12 And I'd keep score like an old man And I used to watch Clemens And was it Mike Musina

That whole era But I remember like in 1998 You know, the 1998 Yankees I got to go to a couple games that year Knowing full well That I was watching what looked like Was going to be one of the great teams Of all time

And you know, 20 years later I still believe that And I used to fucking root against them Especially Clemens I used to root against that guy hard And so if I lived here once again I would be going to games Because now they got Aaron Judge

And I'd, Jesus, Nadie You're looking good Anyways, I used to always go up there And I would just root against them But now they got Aaron Judge And even a Red Sox fan You got to give it up to the fucking Yankees They're the greatest franchise of all time

As far as spotting talent Do you realize for basically the last 80 Out of 100 years That'd be a century, Nia 100 years is a century Do you understand that? Huh? Why are you clamming up?

Where are you going right now? I'm going to go see about Bayview Oh, okay For the last 80 out of the last 100 years They have scouted and picked the guy There's no other fucking franchise Out there that can say it They fought, okay

They bought Babe Ruth, all right The Red Sox fucking owner Was so goddamn pussy whipped He had to keep his fucking wife quiet And she wanted to fucking, I don't even know what the play was You know, but he needed to finance her fucking Broadway play to just shut her the fuck up And he sells Babe Ruth

No excuse for that It's not like we didn't know who the fuck he was The guy was winning Cy Young Awards And hitting the fucking zillion home runs And we still get rid of him Because this fucking lady had to get a little tap dance Fucking fussy shit going, right So they don't get credit for that one

That was a dumb move by the fucking Red Sox And everybody knew that Babe was the shit However, this is what they've done For the last 80 fucking years, all right From their farm system They went Lou Gehrig to Joe DiMaggio To Mickey Mantel, right Then they had a little dip

Remember when it comes in, you know The Oakland A's don't want to pay anybody He buys the fucking Oakland A's They went to championships, fuck all of that Then he buys Dave Winfield, fuck all of that It's a bad 20, 25 years in there, okay Then fucking Derek Jeter Oh, wait, I forgot, what's his face?

Don Mattingly The only reason why people don't look at him like he's one of the greats Is because he never won a fucking World Series But Don Mattingly To Derek Jeter To Aaron Judge You can argue with me on Don Mattingly He wasn't quite one of the greats of the greats

But like, there's fucking Aaron judges It's like Paul Bunyan's coming up to the plate Six foot seven, just did you see that home run He had against Seattle the other night He almost fucking hit it out of the stadium You're not supposed to be able to do that He hit it so hard, so fucking far They could measure it

I think they said like 440 feet Which, you know, I've heard of shit going farther But it's like, that's just because the stop Top of the stadium stopped it Um Jesus, those Seattle pitchers get lit up, don't they? Do you ever see that one McGuire hit off of Randy Johnson He almost put a hole in the roof of the fucking Kingdome

Um, yeah, that was a brutal combination Of like a 100 mile an hour pitch And he was beating fucking Andrew Steen Whatever the fuck he was on Um If you're old enough to remember what it was like To watch a roided up professional athlete hitting baseballs And watching that fucking laser show that those guys put on

I don't think you can argue that steroids Definitely should be in the game They're gonna be Just work on the side effects And just get it down Just like weed, you know, you got the vaporizer If they can vaporize like steroids Can you imagine that?

You pull a muscle or whatever the fuck you feel like an old man You just breathe in that mist You fucking muscles repair like a goddamn X-man And every day feels like the first day of spring Oh my god, am I swinging Tony Bennett? Every, if I rule the world Every day would be like the first day of spring Um, so they've done it at like

With Aaron Judge, I just have to That's the greatest fucking franchise of all time As far as their ability to see the guy Know the guy is the guy And somehow sign him before anybody else I don't know how the fuck they do it Like how does everybody else miss out on Aaron Judge? I could see missing out on Derek Jeter, you know

I could definitely see that He was a kid, you know, another 6'3", 6'4 fucking guy I mean, there's a zillion of those But a 6'7 guy coming up there Like the fucking Jolly Green Giant Like how do you miss that guy? Somehow everybody does I know there's probably some people out there

Arguing for the Lakers Now I gotta give respect to the Lakers As far as in my lifetime From 1968 until now The Los Angeles Lakers have won more championships Than anybody else in my lifetime Believe it or not, it is the Lakers They won, let's see, they won like 1 in the 70s

5 in the 80s That's 6 And then they won They won 5 with Kobe And a thousand fucking free agents So that's 11 And the only person that comes close to that In my lifetime would be the Canadians

Where they won at 68, 69, 71, 73 76, 77, 78, 79, 86, 93 They won 10 Anyways But I don't count, like the Lakers Like the real story of the Los Angeles Lakers Is fucking free agents You know, like when they always

Try to get someone to join And become part of the history Of the great Lakers centers And every one of them is a fucking free agent Except for the first giant white dude That George, whatever the fuck his name was Almost said Murison What the fuck was that guy's name?

I don't know, he looked like a giant science teacher He actually played with Minneapolis Mike, what the fuck was his name? I can't remember Anyways, then you got Kareem He was a Milwaukee buck, right? Shaq Like they're all just fucking, you know

Wilt, they're all just from someplace else So I have a bad feeling that fucking LeBron James Is gonna go out there And that the Lakers are eventually, you know Despite whatever Danny Ainge does I just think it's inevitable that the Lakers Will pass the Celtics as far as number of championships Because for the simple fact

We cannot offer what the Lakers can offer I've said this before Like this is our pitch Hey, you know Do you want to come to racist Boston With shitty fucking weather and bang sixes Or do you want to go to racist fucking Los Angeles Fuck movie stars and feel like you're in Hawaii

With the weather, you know what I mean We can't fucking compete with that We can't compete with that So that's fucking it And then like our colors Our fucking mascots, a goddamn leprechaun I mean, we just can't get any whiter The Lakers have like, you know

The colors are somebody that has no money But they want to fucking look like they're doing something That's what the Lakers colors are With the gold and the purple Lakers just scream new money Like you ever remember when you used to watch those MTV Cribs And you'd watch some fucking idiot You know, with the giant fucking

You'd have like a fish tank in his fireplace You know, yet the fire still works, son You know, like those, you look at that shit You're like, this guy's gonna go fucking broke This guy's gonna go broke Look, he's got like 20 people hanging out in his fucking house This guy's gonna go broke That's when I look at the Lakers uniform

That's what I see Especially those old road ones Those purple ones I don't know, I always thought their uniforms were a little silly I like the home ones, but the road ones always look really silly to me But anyways, we're just like, you know Green and white, we got a fucking Oh, top of your mind until you have fucking mascot

I mean, I can't imagine What Danny Ainge has to say to people to try to get them To come to Boston No, no, no, no, the N word That was shouted at a Red Sox game this year Not at a Celtics game It's fucking brutal Having said that though, I feel like the cops in LA beat the shit out of black people way more

I don't know, it's a push as far as like the racism It's a real, it's a push You know, people always sit there and they try to act like all the racism is in the south and in Boston But you go out to LA, it's fucking ridiculous Why people quarantined, you know In this little area That's coincidentally enough Final approach for fucking LAX

They got goddamn jets flying over their fucking heads every day Fucking 500 feet off the fucking ground Four runways all day long People just landing on final fucking approach You know, that wouldn't make you fucking be in a certain mood I know it would with me From now on, they're on board for recipes that are delicious, easy and cheap

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That's Doll-a-shaveclub.com Alright, let's get back to the podcast Let's get back to the podcast What else did I want to talk about? I don't know if I have anything else to talk about Too busy stressing out, getting picked up by the sad van The sad van that always takes you to the set It's a bare bones van, it's always white

With either gray or black vinyl interior And you just get in there and you're just like, I don't know I find it very stressful Disacting shit, you know what I mean? Because I never can just focus on the day I always look at it like I'm always looking at the entire shoot Like I've already thought, this time next week I'll be done

Rather than trying to enjoy it So, I learned a long time ago Well, I can't say I learned it because I'm still stressing about it But I've just kind of learned to be like, okay I am just going to just fucking deal with today When it comes to these acting gigs and just be like, we're doing this scene And I'm going to make these choices And this is what I'm going to do

And I'm going to listen to the fucking director If he wants it this way, I'll do it that way And then that'll be it And then I'll go home and then I'll memorize the lines for the next day And then I'll just fucking do that And rather than fucking looking over the horizon Just dealing with that fucking day I know that sounds fucking weird

But that's how I have to do it Because if I don't do it that way Then I, you know what I mean? It's the kind of thing that stops you from fucking looking at your taxes You know what I mean? If you're incorporated and you play like quarterly taxes and shit You know? Or if you don't pay quarterly, you got like the end of the years

I fucking, I end of every month I get my receipts together, I get everything It fucking sucks, but it only sucks for like an hour You know what I mean? As opposed to waiting the entire fucking year And it takes like three days to get through the shit It also lets me know what the fuck I'm spending And all of that type of shit

So did that make any sense? Because it didn't even make sense to me Alright, why don't I just get out of this shit And I'm just going to read a few of these questions A couple of these questions Alright, on the, alright For those of you who listen to this podcast religiously Or maybe caught the last one

I was asking like how that expression came about Because I brought it up in the writer's room For Ephesus family, I was talking about It's on the arm And it was a number of people that had never heard that expression And I said, well, it means, yeah, it means it's free You don't have to pay for it And then when I was looking it up

Trying to figure out where it came from It said it was a, it came from like law enforcement or whatever But evidently I was wrong Because someone else went to another part of the internet And they came up with this It said, Bill This is what the internet said about on the arm Or here's what you found that it said

Because what I found that it said was about It came from the fucking law enforcement This person says To show their respects to the mafia boss Who protected their neighborhood Or fear of being extorted The store owners would not allow them to pay for items Well, if you're afraid that you're going to be extorted

I don't think that like bowing down to somebody To make them fucking pay for it I would think But anyways, the store owners would take their right hand And brush it against their left arm As a way of saying, forget about it No charge free Alright, well, where I looked at it

That it came from law enforcement The cops wouldn't pay for stuff I don't know, who the fuck knows? It's the internet You don't know what's true You don't know what isn't, right? How far did you look? How far onto the internet did you go?

I'm going to see how far it took me to get Okay, on the arm, here we go On the arm Origin Come on, man, come on, internet work for me On the arm, any idea to his origin? Is it that the police might have threatened With his gun?

I doubt it, but I'm just trying to figure out This is what I get That's the first one The first one Is just one of these What are these fucking chat rooms, by the way? And who are these people in them? Where are these things?

How do you chime into these things? You got a sign in them? I'm on, like, wordreference.com And this guy just writes This woman writes, hi there I heard the phrase on the arm In the movie Donnie Brasco About a mafia guy, Al Pacino

As an undercover policeman Parentheses Johnny Depp Is that movie that old? He could have just said Fucking Donnie Brasco People know who's in it I learned that it's police lingo For free of charge

Any idea as to its origin Is it that the policeman might Have threatened with his gun? I doubt it, but I'm just trying to figure The arm in there Like, why would you present a theory And then doubt your own fucking theory? Here is what the people's response was

Okay, dictionary to reference Somebody has this You click on this arm The upper limb of the human body Especially part extending from the shoulder Is this serious? The upper limb from the shoulder The forearm of the vertebrae

Any arm like attachment An administrative or operational branch Of an organization An arm and a leg Is a great deal of money Arm and arm Arms linked together Arms length on the arm

Slang free of charge An investigation of policemen Who ate lunch on the arm Put the arm on To solicit or borrow money from She put the arm on me For a generous contribution To force or use violence on

Use strong arms You know what? I don't even give a shit This is what happens when When I get to this part of the internet I say, I don't fucking care And there's usually something I can click on on the side

Like, oh, look at Tyson Keep it real Keep it Tyson Check them out I guess it's some sort of Fucking lunch meat Now what about me fucking I guess because it's on the arm

Like they think somebody Wants a free sandwich Catch it at a store near you Some giant fish Oh word of the day Highfalutin That's a word I thought that was just

Something you sent me sandwich Say Dagburn Highfalutin Varmit Dominic was at the back At a back table Talking to a suited man

In the sombre In the somber Highfalutin English she put on for For people of stature Oh, it's like Madonna In this case probably The noodle salesman

I have no idea what that Sentence meant And I probably mispronounced Most of it Madonna puts on the fake accent Why does she not act Like she's just some white trash Chick from Detroit

She's got that stupid English accent now Borderline Still love that song Alright, solution to Dude's girlfriend with The gross teeth Oh my God

Well this fucking Story ever end Hey Billy Ginger Vitus That's a clever one I found a real easy solution For the dudes That's dating the girl With gross teeth

Yes, so did I Dumper All you gotta do Is when you're sitting Down to watch a movie Just happen to put on Austin Powers There's a couple of different scenes

Where the woman Austin is trying to bang Hint Hints that Austin needs To brush his gross fucking teeth This would be a good subtle way For a girl to realize That maybe she should

Take care of her own teeth Because believe me She knows they are disgusting Who walks around Knowing that they stink Wouldn't you do something About that And plus I don't think that

If you're with somebody Who's overweight If you put it on the clumps You know The nutty professor I mean I think it would just Make them feel self-conscious And bad about themselves

And make the overweight person Want to go fucking binge eat more I don't know what the gross Tooth person does Like go eat some fucking Fucking head cheese With some onions I don't know

Anyways he said You could maybe even say Something during the scene Like yeah Why do British people Have gross teeth And he goes I don't know

Probably won't work But it's worth a try Is this everybody Just shits on their own theories Yeah dude this won't work You know it won't work But it was worth it For your billy gingivitis there

Also Bill Have you been doing Any grilling or smoking this summer I recently did some Smoked chicken wings And they were the best wings I've ever ate hands down Thanks and go fuck yourself

No my My grill My big green egg And my flat top grill Have been like You know If they were a car I'd have them up on blocks

Right now I'd just been So swamped with work You know And I got the kid And it's just like I don't know Occasionally I will crank

The thing up And I get into it But it's been super Super fucking busy Writing Writing and running But I gotta tell you something I actually really enjoy writing

Like I hate the notes part And having to pull it apart I get frustrated with that But that really is part of it And people always go Well you know what they say Writing is rewriting

I always want to be like Yeah is that what they say You know Like whatever the fuck you do For a living If you just fucking If you put in floors And you put in all the floors

And then somebody comes in And tells you to rip up Most of it You know And you're like Really? And yeah you know what Flooring is

Flooring is re-flooring When you want to just Take the board And just fucking smash Your own head in with it Till you just weren't conscious So you wouldn't have to Live that life anymore

Well that's the life of a writer But I actually I really find that I like doing it And I think just by Hanging out with All of these writers That have been doing it

For so long Obviously they're way better At it than I am But you just kind of Start to absorb How to write stories And shit like that Which was always my problem

I could always write dialogue But I just couldn't get The story from the beginning To the end Like I My brain just didn't work That way I could write scenes

I think that's why I became a comedian Because I bit Like oh look at that Funny joke That's a funny little scenario And done I don't have to fucking

Take the ball from the one Yardline all the way To the end zone Like writers have to You know I was on special teams I was a wedge breaker That was it

That was the fucking level Of artistry That I was doing there What am I up to here 41 minutes Jesus Christ Bill 41 minutes

Of fucking mediocrity Alright Microchipping Oh god Don't even get me started On this I just cannot fucking But like

I just can't fucking Believe this shit Do you know Delta Airlines Wants to start using People's fingerprints As a way for you To get on the fucking plane

And do you know That most people Won't have a problem with it They're so fucking stupid It's like There's so many people Out in the world It's almost like

You know what dude Why don't you just Become a fucking slave Like how much are you Gonna give to these people How underpaid are politicians That they will not stand up To these people

These corporations I swear to god They're sitting there Wasting all this fucking time With ISIS And all this other bullshit These fucking corporations The shit that they're doing

To their own goddamn countrymen Which they really don't have Because they're fucking global They don't give a shit About anything About just trying To make more fucking money And dude

They're gonna start microchipping people This Wisconsin company To implant microchips In employees In like five people Already agreed to it They're gonna take something Foreign that's not natural

To your body And they're gonna stick it Underneath your fucking skin They're gonna know Where you are At all fucking times And all these fucking Those who are here

You know If you're not doing anything wrong What's your fucking problem Here's the fucking problem Okay Because you're a fucking dope Doesn't mean the rest of the world is Okay

I think it's safe to say That me and everybody else Listening to this thing For the most part Was not as smart As fucking George Washington Right? Fair enough

Okay Well here's the deal If George Washington Was microchipped And all his fucking buddies Were microchipped This fucking country wouldn't exist Because they would have known

Where he was They would have gone over there And they would have fucking killed him And that would have been The end of the fucking rebellion So what you're doing is Is you're having faith That these fucking people at the top

Who have not even remotely demonstrated On any fucking level At any point in history That they give a flying fuck About anybody Other than themselves Are gonna You're gonna turn over

That level of power You're gonna get fingerprinted By delta fucking airlines Like you've committed Some sort of a fucking crime A fucking airline Is gonna have your fucking fingerprints Who in the fuck

Did they think they are? Do you know when I went to buy my car They asked for my thumbprint I was like I'm not getting my fucking fingerprints To a You're a car dealership They go

This is to protect you No it isn't you douche You're gonna sell this to somebody It's part of my profile I think they're just They're collecting They're all sharing information about you What you buy

Where you live What your social security number is Your fucking fingerprints They're gonna get it All the way down to your fucking DNA It's un I don't know And these politicians will not push back

On any level Because the president Makes 500 grand a year That's the highest paid political office Is 500 fucking grand a year And they need a hundred million dollars To get the job I don't have a hundred million

You don't have a hundred million Corporations do And that's who they owe it to So they just look the other fucking way And what do they do They sit there and they shit On fucking comedians Constantly going after

Do you hear what he said About Caitlyn Jenner And they look the other way With pharmaceutical companies Handing out fucking opiates Like they're giving out flyers To some sort of jam band And now we got this heroin fucking problem

They don't give a fuck They don't say anything about it Sorry, I know I'm fucking losing my shit here But like What they've done to the food supply What the fuck What the bankers have done

Left all these people upside down In their own fucking houses What they've done to the water supply Fracking Causing earthquakes In parts of the world That never had fucking earthquakes Fucking up the drinking water

You know, they gotta send a fucking pipeline Out of the fucking Native Americans land I mean, like Like we haven't done enough To those fucking people You know Do you hear any politicians talking about that Nah, nobody talks about that shit

But God for fucking bid You do a fucking joke in a strip mall And they're fucking all over it Then that becomes like some big goddamn story This is fucking horrific And it makes me happy that I'm 49 years of age The fact that I think I'm gonna Maybe get to live half a fucking century

Without a fucking airline Having my fingerprints And me walking around with a goddamn microchip You know I love that I lived 50 years before the fucking Oh, Jesus She's up, huh? I love that I got to live 50 years

Before robots showed up It's just It's just greed and power Completely 100% Out of control And I hate Like this is I'm reading this

This is eyewitness ABC News So these guys are all bought and paid for CNN's bought and paid for Fox News is bought and paid for They're all fucking bought and paid for Because the same people I just brought Brought up They advertise on their fucking networks

So they have to watch what they say Because they don't want to lose the ad money Because that's how they get paid, right? So they always have like Oh, Jesus, this is a little unsettling You know when they always come back from it When they show some fucking robot You've ever seen that?

You watch like the local news Or they show somebody getting microchip And they always come back to the anchors And they kind of do that That's kind of And then they just move on to the next thing But some fucking old lady who makes her own jam Like that's supposed to make you feel better

At the end of the fucking newscast Or some puppy that they thought was lost And fucking sniffed its way back to the station wagon Three towns away, right? Whenever the fuck they leave you on No, corporations are completely out of control They've been out of control my entire life And now it's reaching a level that

It's like you're watching a bad sci-fi movie I think it's fucking insane Why the fuck? Do you need my fingerprints as a fucking airline? Who the fuck are you? You're not the FBI You're not the government You're a fucking airline

You're fingerprints And this is the thing People will do it People will fucking do all of this So they don't have to stand in a line They'll let them scan their fucking retina They'll give them a fucking baby Just so they can be pre-checked

That's all you gotta do You just hold a little cookie out And the average fucking mouth breath And fucking moron But you know something? I swear to God I mean this is really cynical But you walk around

And you have to fucking people Should be microchipped You should know where these fucking idiots are I'll never forget that guy Galloping sideways on that Trump rally Screaming at all these stupid liberals Going fuck political correctness Build the wall

Build the wall Is he fucking galloping? Like that was gonna make his life better Like that was what was holding him back I swear to God I don't give a fuck How dumb you are You have to know as a white dude

If you were born in the United States of America Okay You're not gonna get a better starting Block than that Alright And if you can't figure out Some sort of game I mean if you're gonna fucking blame anybody

Why are you gonna look down You gotta go up That's what's fucking you over Democrats and Republicans Fucking you over I just don't get how people don't see that But I'm like most people I feel like my ideas are right

And no one else has a good point This fucking car dealership Can we get you a thumbprint It's like yeah no You guys sell cars You understand that You guys lie for a living Other salesmen

Who lie for a living Turn the other way Turn the other way when they see a car saleman You like that You like the bottom of the barrel fucking salesman I'm gonna give you my fingerprint You know why they say they wanted my fingerprint They go just in case somebody comes in

And tries to Is an imposter And pretends that they're you And tries to buy a car And I just looked at the guy and I was like You know what I'm gonna take my chances on that And the guy literally goes

And this one killed me He goes you're the first person We've ever have say no to that Now I hope he's just being a car salesman And he was lying to me And that was his last ditch effort To try to convince me But the other part is

He's actually telling the truth It's just like Then what happens is This is how they do it Is most people are dopes So they don't think And then what happens is It becomes a herd mentality

And all they gotta do is Get most of the herd to start Running over the fucking cliff And you have to do it too Cause if you don't Then you're just gonna be fucking Sitting there all by yourself Like hey I'm not gonna have a cell phone

Hey I'm not gonna have this I'm not gonna have that And then your life The way you're gonna lead It becomes extremely limited And next thing you know You're fucking half naked Walking around your back yard

Trying to trap squirrels So you can eat that day Because you're not doing What everybody else is doing And It's just You know what's gonna be the worst Is when they try to convince

When they try to convince people To do it right There's gonna be some politician Getting it with that fucking Smile on his face Where he's like I don't wanna do this But I have to do this

I have to do this So I can go on the post-president Fucking You know 70 million dollar Speaking tour Where I go out and I give Speeches to the same fucking people

That put me into office Like the hero of all hero presidents Obama is about to do He just he has That motherfucker has 69 million dollars with the gigs On the books Coming up

You know I will never for the life of me Understand why that guy People like liberals Look at that guy Like he fucking did something for him I will never get that It's like that guy

Had his face in the pig trough Just like everybody else I mean I don't know I don't know what it is I think it's because He's sandwiched between Two of the worst public speakers Of all time

Bush and fucking Trump You know what I mean I think if he came after Clinton Where Clinton wasn't the greatest Oh But he I don't know The women fucking loved him

I will never get that either How much women love that Fucking big Fucking baby Here we look at goofball Jesus bell There are any presidents that you liked Yeah

I didn't mind the first George Bush Fucking war hero And I liked I liked Jimmy Carter Anyways Alright B of A Outage

Hey banker bill I worked for B of A And from the customer service side That outrage Was very stressful If you haven't already mentioned it Slash found out The outrage was a result

Of a Oh Jesus Christ This guy works for the fucking bank He's gonna tell me what happened And he can't even spell the words I don't I don't You wrote half a word here buddy

S-E-V-E-R A sever reboot Is that supposed to be a severe reboot? Is sever a word? I don't know Maybe I'm wrong I was told for my boss My boss's boss

In passing When he was leaving work One of the tech guys managing The server ran a program To check for viruses and shit Okay this guy manages your money Check for viruses and shit Oh god he talks like me

And the program Made Jesus Christ Jesus Christ The program made that one particular server To shut down Causing the rest of our Online products to not work

That's a sentence By a guy who works at a bank The program made that one particular server To shut down To shut down The program made that one particular server Shut down Is that what you mean?

Causing the rest of our online products To not work The bank had to restart all the servers To sync that tech crap up Resulting in the six hour delay From the call center side We could still see all the balances And account information

Clients themselves just couldn't process Any maintenance Nothing made my day more enjoyable Than apologizing to client after client For our system error Had a few people in the situation You mentioned on Thursday Where they are stuck outside the country

With no money Had a few people in the situation You mentioned on Thursday Where they are stuck outside the country This guy is a fucking This guy should have been in summer school Next to me Totally agree

You need to have backup plans When it comes to accessing your money Whether it be multiple bank accounts Or stuffing some cash underneath the pillow Where you rest your bald freckled dome at night Keep doing what you're doing And go fuck yourself Yeah, I've never met a banker that believes

In the banking system If you really talk to him about it They're nervous too I don't know Anyways Was that supposed to make me feel better? I mean, I guess it's good that no one hacked into your system You guys just kind of were running something

And something got fucked up But he agreed with me Yeah, have a little money here A little money there A little money there Don't have all your eggs in one basket We all know that, right? Because then everything's going to be on the arm

With the fucking one flu of the cuckoo's nest Alright, much older man Okay, here we go Well, how much time have I done it? Oh, 56 Okay, I'm in there I'm in there Alright, much older man

Bill Burr, how are you? I've been listening to your part I was just from a lady I love it I love when the lady's right in You guys don't do it enough I've been listening to your podcast for a little over a year Basically since the day I discovered them

And I've seen all your specials Hope to catch you live one of these days Well, thank you So here it goes I've been living for eight years And married for four of those years To a man who was 21 years older than me Yeah, we met

When he was 45 and I was 23 And we have been together since Nia, can you do this one or no? I can Okay We have a two-year-old son And I am now 31 and he is 52 Okay

I know many think that when they first heard My husband That my husband is well old enough Is well old enough to be my father That it's some sort of sugar daddy situation Which honestly is not the case at all Our lives are quite simple We live in a four bedroom house

I own two soccer We own two soccer mom type vehicles The only expensive piece of jewelry to my name Is my wedding ring And one would not find a pair of red bottom shoes In my closet But I digress Only so folks don't get the wrong picture

For the past year or so It seems like he is aged mentally In a drastic way Our age difference was never an issue Until the last year or so Oh, look who's here Hey, buddy Hey, buddy

How you doing? How you doing? You're making a lot of racket out there, aren't you? This is called a podcast Anyways So anyways, Neil, here's the deal This lady Is married to this guy

He's 21 years older Uh-huh What's going on? Yeah, these are headphones She's looking at me like, what is this? What is this? So, if you're going to keep looking at me With that cute little smile

How do I do this? Uh-huh Alright, so Yeah, she was 23 And he was 45 So I guess he's 22 years older when they met What? 23 and 45

Yeah, and now she's 31 And he's 52 I don't know, somehow he was 22 years older Now he's only 21 Must be when their birthdays are But anyways, she said it wasn't a sugar daddy thing They don't really have a lot of money They're just living a basic lifestyle

Oh You gotta stop smiling, kid I'm totally losing my train of thought here He's just too adorable He's too adorable for me to do this Uh-huh Yeah, I know That's what my listeners are doing

Can you get through this, please? So basically She said he only spends a piece of jewelry She has his wedding ring She has every red bottom shoes She just basically really loves the guy But for the past year or so It seems like he has aged mentally

In a drastic way Our age difference was never an issue Until the last year or so He seems to be almost bitter That I am in my 30s And he's beginning to become beyond insecure That I will decide I want a younger man Out of nowhere one day

Uh-huh I'm all over the place with this, she says It seems like you're pretty focused Sorry Anyways His constant insecurity and vastly Changing behavior is really causing Issues in our marriage that I believe

May never go away Being that our age difference is not going away Anywhere Obviously was hoping for some of your wise Import on my current situation Tell me I'm a dumb ass for marrying An older man Older man than my father

Like my mother does Have a good one and of course go fuck yourself So what do you think, Nia? Yeah, he was probably too old for you Because now That's just too much of an age of it He's older than your dad Do you have

Daddy issues maybe? Well regardless It seems like the power dynamics have shifted So before you were a young You know impressionable thing And he was the older wiser More in control Now he's getting older

He's becoming aware of his mortality And you're in your 30s You're like You're towards your peak now As a woman Like that's when you really peak And you're actually in your 40s But you're getting there

You're probably still hot You're smarter than you were before You're on top of your game So yeah he's feeling some Type of way So I don't know if he's having a midlife crisis It's a type of way I don't know if he's having a midlife crisis

And you're gonna end up being collateral damage Or what's going on But you guys should probably have like A frank discussion about it But yeah if he's afraid of you leaving him He might be having some kind of a midlife crisis Alright let's have the frank discussion for her I'll be the guy

Or you want to be the guy No you be the guy Because you're an actual older guy In our relationship so I know but that's just like two on the nose casting No it's okay we can do it that way So you're the older guy And I'm the hot young newbie wife

Okay You're gonna go out Where you going You're going out No I gotta be older I got something just done Where are you going Where are you going

I'm going out with my girlfriends I told you that Do you not remember Yeah I don't remember that Okay well I'll be back soon Where did you tell me I told you last night That I was going out with my girlfriends tonight

Where are you going out wearing that I'm going out with my girls I'll bring you back something Bye Goes to have an affair with my young lover What do you think she should do Just have a talk with him And if he's like

What is that noise That's the sound a dump truck makes when it backs up Before it dumps the load out the back You should marry the guy She shouldn't just like completely jump ship But if it's like if he's becoming unbearable And you know difficult to live with And he won't make any strides to work it out

Then Why doesn't he take like those legal roids That those old guys that are all shredded You know they jump in the pool And they come out and all those women Who are sitting in the pool Like look at that old guy And then he comes out of the pool

And they're like oh wait a minute Right I think I'll bang that grandpa Well maybe too because they live like Just a very like modest lifestyle He's feeling even more insecure That he doesn't have anything to like offer So even if he wanted to get out of it

To like go back to a younger girl Or something like younger than her He wouldn't have anything necessarily to offer Yeah this guy's an idiot I wouldn't have married a girl that younger I remember a time before I met you Nene Yes I was like

What was I 35 or something I was 25 I was 25 you were 35 Alright so I was like Whatever 34 35 And I met this woman right She was like 22 21 22

And she said the first night we hung out She goes where is this going I remember you told me this story Yeah and I said where's it going I go nowhere I go but when you're 30 I'll be like 106 Yeah

So this isn't going anywhere So I won't say what I said next But it worked out well Alright that's the That's the pocket You This is her new thing

She just grabs You got such a grip That's my forearm here That you just grab A whole handful of Alright I want to hang out with her Before I have to go to work So I got to get off the thing here

You're just fascinating With anything that's technology There's no screen on it So that's boring right It's got a light on it It's got a light on it Oh It's got a light on it doesn't it

I always think you can't get any cuter Then you get cuter Huh Alright okay cool Hang on a second I'll hang out with you in a minute Alright that's the podcast My daughter's here

Go f yourselves And I'll check in on you On Thursday there Now for recipes that are delicious, easy and cheap For those of you who like something different Or who like classics Oh yeah there was a spaghetti bolognese With delicious veal

Download the Maide Lijse app And cook with it Yeah great The Lijse Live with it