Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-25-11

Episode Date: July 25, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about the Tour De France, Lee Marvin and Jerry Lewis.

Even though woolly mammoths have been extinct for tens of thousands of years with the metaverse students will be able to go back to the ice age to visit them The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real. Learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrds the Monday morning podcast for Monday July 25th, 2011 How you guys doing? I hope you had a hope you had a great week like I did. I was I was down in Irvine. I got one more show tonight taping this on a Sunday. I got one more show down there in Irvine both shows were sold out last night Saturday night and Friday night they were Just about full and I just want to thank everyone for coming down there, you know

That's a very difficult club to sell out as a white boy as a whitey as a cracker as a peckerwood. It's a very It's very difficult, you know People you know for years. I tried to I tried to go down there and they don't nobody comes to see white guys down here They only come to see Latinos or famous white guys and So finally or if you put out fucking, you know Four or five hours of material and you're consistently funny They finally show up which they did and I was beyond excited and I want to thank everyone for coming down and You know, this is something I have not been able to enjoy since I moved out here

Like when I lived in New York City, I'd gotten to the point where I could sell out a club in New York Which was great. I got the feeling of selling out a club and then I could sleep in my own bed and Haven't had that out here because because I'm a gringo and I Was able to finally crack through so I'm psyched beyond psyched You know now if I could just do something about that two hours of traffic. I got to sit in That's the only thing that sucks driving down to Irvine

Two hours of traffic. Do you understand that you understand? How long that is two hours people one way two hours you could fly from here? Los Angeles to fucking Denver, Colorado in two hours We got it Bill and we also understand that a jet is a lot faster than a car. All right, go fuck yourselves but anyways, it was a great weekend and I Want to thank everyone for coming down and again considering I'm in such a gracious mood this week Why don't we continue the congratulations with big? congratulations

To all those alligator wrestling beer drinking maniacs Whatever other stereotypical shit because I don't know anything about your country Australians Congratulations to the country of your Australia the first Aussie Caddell Evans ever to win the Tour de France you know Congratulations, I remember that feeling the first time Greg LeMond won it in the 80s It was awesome because we had never won it up to that point as far as I know and

It was just great to see you know You know, it's good to win something everybody doesn't think you can win after a while And you know and I hope that they don't try to figure out whether Caddell was on drugs and Fuck with your enjoyment of it ten years later like they're doing with Lance Armstrong just because they hate America and that really is the reason All right, the guy passed 9,000 fucking drug tests, you know You couldn't get him He was he was the Teflon dawn

That's your fault French people Maybe if you took your goddamn braze off and you worked a little bit harder you would have caught him how bad The fact that you guys wanted to catch him that fucking bad and you couldn't Go fuck yourself and I'm supposed to what believe his dirty teammate who tested positive The guy who robbed a bank is now going well even though he didn't catch this guy robbing a bank He actually robbed a bank get the fuck out of here And if he was on drugs so were the other nine guys behind him who only lost by 90 seconds give me a fucking break All right, certain sports need drugs

All right, and it's basically every sport that has played at a professional level beyond the age of 23 Beyond the age of 23 you can't run around you just can't do it You know anybody anybody like 27 go out and go play flag football out of fucking nowhere And you can't you're in traction for like the next three weeks Can you imagine doing that at a pro level and they can tackle? There's no way to do that without drugs. I am totally 100% pro drugs I don't think they hurt the game. I think they enhance it. I think you take awesome athletes and they become even better You know and I also think as much as all these people are fucking whining about them that eventually

They're gonna seep their way into regular society and then when I'm in my 80s, I'm gonna be on Roy's nice safe Roy's Because of the sacrifices that these heroes made Lance Armstrong is a hero He is a fucking hundred seventy pound lab rat All right, he let all that shit be pumped into him for the betterment of us and the glory and all the French pussy He could have but getting back to me you wait all these motherfuckers out there I'm telling you all these people dumping that rogaine on their head and poisoning their brains every year They they refine that shit. They make it a little more pure you know

It's like look at weed man Weed is fucking unreal now out here because it because it's legal the shit. They can make you high but not sleepy Oh, what do you want? You want to focus here you go smoke this shit? You want to just sit there and and just veg out or you want to go to sleep? They got weed for everything now. They couldn't do that shit back in the 70s. They pulled it out of the ground and you Rolled it up with a fucking newspaper So I want to thank all these people all these people getting their heads scalped Right taking propicia. I don't like the fact that I'm going bald

But I'm letting you guys go on point let you guys fuck with your systems and figure out what's safe And then you wait one day when I'm 80 I'm gonna have a full head of jet-black hair and I'm gonna have fucking pecs and I'll be able to run a 440 And ride a bike up the Pyrenees Mountains for a month straight Because of the sacrifices that these fucking heroes These misunderstood heroes are making God bless them God bless them all and congratulations to Australia That's that's fucking huge. That's really huge. That'll do wonders for cycling and You know, maybe you guys can broaden your horizons

Stop listening to yahoo serious and drinking that stupid fosters lager That comes in that beer can the size of a death charge in World War two Do you know that's one of their shittiest beers everybody everybody here in the States No one no one down under drinks that shit That's one of the first things that I learned when I went there for four days I walked into about 20 pubs and I didn't see one Australian person drinking that Vat of goose piss. I

Gotta be honest with you. I don't even know what I don't even know what it tastes like It's gonna taste like shit if they give you so much, you know what I mean? I think that that's a big thing they're going quantity over quality And you know There's Australian people down there. They don't give a fuck so they're not drinking it They don't care. So what do they do? Ah shit Who's gullible enough to drink this fucking goose piss? Oh, we'll send it to the States. It's perfect They don't know anything about other countries

We'll just make up a big lie. We'll make it macho You Aussies you guys ever see the stupid fosters lagers lager commercials that they show out here They're like they go. I can't remember how the fuck it went cell phone Be yeah, that's what they would do and you guys would have some sort of like the most macho cell phone ever Which is basically you you? Whisper a phone conversation into a woman's ear slap her across the face and said bitch go tell it to my friend across town They'd be like cell phone and

Then they'd be like beer and then it'd be this giant beer cance the whole fucking thing who's got a bigger dick And Evidently from what I've heard it tastes like piss That's what I've heard But anyway, so let's plow ahead. This is the Monday morning podcast everybody if you're new to my podcast as I see my podcast listenership growing With with each week I want to thank you for for coming along if you want to send me any sort of questions

We I answer questions on this if you want some advice Just to let you know in case you you know been listening to this podcast at this point You haven't been able to figure out that I am not College educated technically I am So don't take anything I say seriously you're on your own if you take my advice you're on my you're on your own All right, but anything you want to do overrated underators underrated the email is bill at the mm podcast Dot com sorry had a big breakfast

went out to a fucking a breakfast place and You know, I'm doing this whole thing man. It's it's it's unbelievable Where I'm just eating well, and I don't have to go to the gym anymore. It's awesome absolutely Phenomenal so I ate like shit last night. So today I go out to breakfast. I take Nia out and a fucking mother We go out we go out for breakfast and they're all ordering all this yummy stuff and it came around to me I'm like I'm gonna do the right thing. I ordered granola and

And What do they end up doing they end up bringing me this vat of grown I said you could get bananas or chocolate or bananas and chocolate Extra which totally defeats the purpose of eating healthy if you get the chocolate So I go let me get the bananas and then they come back like 15 20 minutes later I'm sorry. We're out of bananas. We don't even wear bananas. I just realized everybody's gonna be like you got bananas on your granola What do you think? Yes, people. I know my own material. All right So she's like we're out of bananas. I'm sorry you want some fresh berries

I was like absolutely put them on their sweetheart anything you can do to bring me a bowl of fucking granola within a half hour Do you think you can do that? I? Basically ordered a bowl of cereal and it's 20 minutes later. I'm still waiting for it Okay, I know I know you're on this side of the counter. You can't make them work faster So anyways, they bring the stuff over and they bring in this giant goddamn medieval fucking soup bowl and It did completely defeated the purpose of eating healthy You know, I guess I could have just eaten half the bowl But you know, I come from that, you know waste not want not

You finish what you eat. I haven't tell you guys that shit My parents used to do this thing now my parents were strict how strict were they they were so strict that when I was a kid If you didn't finish your dinner, they wrapped it in plastic and they made you eat it for breakfast Yes, they did What do you think about that you timeout generation pussies you guys probably have a 1-800 number you could call 1-800 my mommy's being mean that you could call and get out of that shit. Well, that's not how it went down back in the 70s It was fucking horrific You felt good when you tapped out cuz you didn't want to eat whatever gross thing

You know, you didn't feel like eating But then you would just go to bed like stressing like some guy working on Wall Street Knowing that you were gonna wake up and the rest of the family was gonna be eating waffles And you're gonna be sitting there eating cold cube steaks and green bean casserole. Oh Yeah, cube steaks were the worst fish was bad What else? Oh, it's brutal ice Fucking cold you'd be sitting there eating cube steaks and that shit was already hard to chew when it was when it was heated up

Forget about when it was cold. Oh So Larry should be sitting there looking like Kurt Gibson in the seventh inning Big fucking wad of it and your goddamn chin and your cheek, I'm sorry, you know But you know, I don't even think it even worked after a while they realized it didn't even work It just you know, at some point the kid just doesn't want to eat it and I know I got some funny stories about they've ever come out live To one of my live shows you want to hear the cube steak story? Just just yell it out. Just wait towards the end of my act. All right, and just say just yell out cube steak

And I'll tell you the story some of the stories. I know I don't want to put them out on the internet But I'll tell them in a club who gives a shit The fuck was I talking about I got totally sidetracked. I was talking about Aussies and that big stupid bear That gives a shit, right? That's how I do the podcast if I can't fucking remember it. It wasn't important Or maybe you're just dumb bill Um speaking of dumb There's a number number of people who for some fucking reason Are having difficulty finding my podcast despite the fact that if you google search

The monday morning podcast the first thing that comes up is the fan page All right It's www.themmpodcast.com I think you guys are going www.mmpodcast. It's the mm podcast like the ohio state university How great is it that they finally punished those cheat and bastards? you know

Can you believe that? Selling your own fucking jersey. Jesus christ burn the whole program down That's another thing. I think is absolutely fucking stupid Them policing You know, if you're gonna police college football players, you should fucking pay them All right Because of what they're doing You you you're selling a hundred thousand tickets a week

Hundred thousand people packing into a stand to watch people who aren't getting paid Who on any play their dream of going to the nfl? Could end And I don't even want to hear you Fucking conservative pussies go well, they get a free education. No, they don't They get one in football Huh all you tough guys out there You think that you could learn that playbook play at a division one level travel what they travel be in the shape that they have to

Be in and major in like fucking biology Give me a goddamn break something has to give all right And if you have the potential to go to the nfl That's what you should be majoring in the thing that's going to make you a multimillionaire and just have a bunch of whores Running at your dick. That's what you focus on okay So I think if you're going to give these kids shit and tell them not to sell their jerseys you ought to give them some sort of stipend some sort of

something okay You can't have some superstar kid He's going to win the heisman trophy. He's they're building a brand new wing On on one of the dorms because of what this fucking kid does over four years and his mother needs a kidney transplant And he can't even sell his fucking jersey to get a free tattoo. That the whole thing is it's it's fucking stupid all right If I had the money I'd be a booster

I'd love to do that showed up in a 75 eldorado with the longhorn Fucking horns right on the hood chomping on a cigar Just coming up there and fucking paying players That's gotta be awesome Knowing that you it was your bag of cash That got that that four star running back flying down the field Everybody's patting you on the back You and your your trophy wife

It's got our hand on your package There's no love in the relationship. You don't need any You're filled up with the sound of a hundred thousand people going crazy Because of some shit that you made happen with your dirty filthy oil money I want to be that guy my next generation next generation my next life when I come around again I wonder what year it's going to be when I come around again You know because I think when you die, I think you go right into the mud You know and then that's it

And then I don't know either turn into a fossil fuel or you become a mosquito Or maybe like uh in some sort of organism That lives in the belly of a cow, right? That's why I think being a human being is all you hit the fucking lottery You know You hit the fucking lottery You got thumbs You live in the life

Sometimes I think I wouldn't mind being an ape though, you know I always like doing pull-ups There's no fucking way, you know, I had never I always stunk swinging on the jungle gym. I think it would be Great to be like a gorilla Back in the day being a gorilla like 200 years ago. I wonder if gorillas knew if they Knew then what they know now about people or animals in general. What would have they had done? Do you think they would have joined forces? And just fucking wiped us out when there was only a couple thousand of us on the planet

That fucking stupid animals they had that chance. That's what you get if you fucking wake up next time You know, why don't you why don't you learn? You want to talk about cheating You know performance enhancing weapons The second we picked up a stick we were fucking cheating You know tiger doesn't come at you with the stick tiger just comes at you all natural What do we do? We got a fucking bazooka. We got machine guns Stick them in a cage. We drug them

I'm on both sides of this argument. Um, all right, let's plow ahead here. Um What did I want to talk about this week? How far are we in this? We're about 18 minutes in You want to go with some advice right right right out of the gate? Let's go with let's go with some advice Bill I need some serious advice on what to do with the relationship the relationship I was in I just broke it off yesterday Uh, but I need some fucking reassurance reassurance reassurance. Jesus. I couldn't get through that word. Good. I All right, I'm 19 And uh, I mean this girl had been dating for three and a half years

Uh, basically since I was 16 my girlfriend and I have always gotten along and shit was really great almost too great Up until the last year it dawned on me nearly overnight. My life was stagnant I did the same repetitive shit with her over and over every night. It hit me really hard I felt as if I were a married man at the age of 19 void of all my piss and vinegar vinegar It pissed me the fuck off Even the sex got old and I feel like a spoiled prick for writing that because I know a lot of guys out there Would give a left nut to get their dick wet

Jesus But you can't eat steak every night Uh, Jesus because this guy's throwing more cliches in there. Um over the last past few years I slowly but surely moved away from old chicks or friends I used to be friendly with in high school until the other day. I fucking realized that I really don't have much left I feel as if I have one true friend sprinkled in with a few Opportunistic pricks. I call friends. I'm not happy with who I call my friends anymore My gut tells me that the reason I've lost friends is because of being too heavily invested with my girlfriend

Now I seem to be left with just her I broke it off yesterday thinking to myself that there's more to fucking life at the age of 19 Than getting the same limp dick handjob every night. Uh It broke her heart when I told her I wasn't happy anymore I want to get back out there have a social life reconnect with some friends meet some new people and get some pussy Uh, she still keeps trying to text me and call me just to talk and still wants to be friends But she's the clingy type and I think she wants to weasel back in my question is Uh, did I make the right move? Do I still talk to this girl as a friend or do I cut it clean?

Any reassurance or advice or or possibly a five minute rant would do me wonders Um All right. Yeah, it sucks It sucks, you know, you sometimes you got to hurt somebody but um This basically is your first relationship and what happened to you happens to most people women included you kind of lose yourself in it um You you're not living a balanced life. See you could have been with that girl and still had your old friends

and acquaintances if you worked on that, but I think you got head over heels with this girl and You kind of went down the fucking rabbit hole and then all of a sudden you turned around There was no one behind you and that kind of freaked you out, which is totally normal at 19 So I don't think you're doing anything wrong as far as uh Maintaining a relationship with her maybe later My gut says don't do it now. You're just going to hurt her more because it's going to give her hope that you're going to get back with her or

You're going to have that awful after you broke up sex where you're going to be oh i'm psyched I'm getting laid and halfway through it. I swear to god. You have an 80% chance. She's going to start crying Okay, at which point you can be like, oh my god, is this like a rape case now? What's going on and it's you're going to pull out Blueballs she's going to be crying and you're going to be like sorry and then you're going to comfort her but not comfort her too much to give her hope and You're going to fucking walk out to your car at a 45 degree angle feeling like your balls are down on the on by your ankles So stay away from that

um Yeah, I think if you guys are going to be friends I just think that some time needs to go because it's not fair to her because you sound definitely like you don't want to be with her anymore and uh Every time you talk to her even if you you say I still want to get with you You're just putting her right back at the start line of getting over you and moving on with her life Or whatever the hell is going to happen and that's not fair to her so uh you know

And you did the right thing you wanted to be out of it so you got out of it That's exactly what you got to do. You got to hurt somebody sometimes. It's much worse to waste their life It's way worse and you're only 19 you guys you guys heal fast. You'll get over it. So get out there. Have a good time wear a fucking condom Always get yourself. Uh, get yourself some new friends football season's coming up, baby Did they work it out by the way? I don't even really I don't even know I just keep looking at the uh Keep looking at the ticker. By the way, how selfish were the fucking owners in this by the way

Speaking of all all you people who call up those sports radio shows And you don't even know what you're talking about. You just immediately start trashing the athletes because you can put a face to them They're not the bad guys in this one. They signed an agreement in 2006 And the owners had their lawyers look at it and the owners agreed to it and then five years later They're like, oh, we're not making enough money. So what do they do? They just lock them out Which is the owners they just basically took their stadiums and they went home

And they basically said to the players we want all of you to take an 18 pay cut and play two extra games You know, what the fuck do you think the players are gonna do? All right, so it's not over yet lock out nearing an end Camps could open saturday ladies and gentlemen. Ho nilly I'm just gonna watch college football. I don't give a shit The alabama crimson tide playing the wilburines of michigan. Ho nilly. We got a barn burner They're gonna be swapping paint this saturday nights It's a fumble michigan's got it I'll watch that shit

Keith Jackson still killing him at like fucking 83 years of age Um Is labor peace just around the corner for the nfl according to espn report the nfl players Association and league have reached an agreement on the remaining points in a proposed 10 year collective bargaining agreement the report citing unnamed sources All right, so go fuck yourself right there. I tapped out Okay You know, we can't confirm it can't can die and it's a unnamed source. Would you like to continue reading this? No, I wouldn't No, I would not so anyways

Let me get back to the fucking questions here so, um Oh, this is something I wanted to bring up, you know, I sometimes I forget how old I am because I still feel like I'm I'm fucking 18 Is you know when I do that shit, you know, whenever I bring up a female I walked into the store and all of a sudden there was this fucking lady. You know when I do that lady I thought you guys all knew that that that was a little tribute to jerry louis But I forgot that there's a lot of young people in their 20s College students listening to this shit. That's jerry louis. That isn't me

all right, um, and I actually That was like his catchphrase he'd go hey lady I can't even do it and it was the funniest shit ever And the fact that my mother thought it was so stupid. It made it even funnier There's nothing better than watching a jerry louis movie with my mother with an earshot Um But anyways, so I actually went on youtube and I got a couple of jerry louis YouTube videos this week and I was trying to find one a clip if anybody can find one of him saying hey lady

I can't find one. I don't know if they took them all down But there's this guy doing a tribute to jerry louis and he's imitating jerry louis While singing kenny rogers that kenny rogers song lady Which uh, if you're not familiar with it because you're a youngster the song basically it's this romantic song like lady You're my I love you And the chorus is lady

Your eyes are the only what I need but he's doing it as jerry louis. So he's going lady Why why why can't you fucking do it? But it's it's really obnoxious And if you're jerry louis fan, I found it to be fucking hilarious. I'm not saying it's the greatest impression But it's fucking funny as hell and then For everyone out there, you know a lot of people in america always trash the french Like I did earlier making fun of their berets. I'm not really, you know, one of one of my bucket list things is actually go to the tort de france in uh

One of those cities, you know where they go through and all of a sudden there's like a castle from the 1300s Who the fuck wouldn't want to do that on a sunny day? Sitting out in a cafe getting treated like shit by some frenchman, right because you're a zeta stone shit isn't holding up Eating a couple of fucking. I don't know what the hell you eat over there some pastries and then all of a sudden all these athletes come flying by on their bikes I just think that would be amazing follow it around for a few days you know Save up some euros bring them back to america in case the fucking dollar crashes Which it might next month. Who knows? Um

I want I wanted to do that. So uh, but anyways one of the things is is this country has always made fun of the french um Or has at least in my lifetime and one of the things that they make fun of them of They make fun of them because they think jerry louis They're huge fans of jerry louis and think he's a genius. I've heard a bunch of people You know people that I respected make fun of them for that kind of like, you know, how the germans think david hasselhoff is is a rock star um

I got I got a coast I got a coast that with americans on that one I don't know what the fuck you guys are listening to over there, but maybe because it's a second language Maybe like his permed mullet. I don't know what it is um But i'll sign off if you want to make fun of germans for making fun of that But I think their car is offset the quality of their cars offset the fact Maybe that's why they like david hasselhoff. They're so far beyond everybody You know scientifically, you know, you know, we stole all their secrets after world war two you realize that

half of of of our rockets audio tape The whole space fucking program our missile program all of the we took a bunch of german scientists from them And we were like uh show us how how you did all that stuff that you were doing to us in the war um Yeah, so maybe they're so focused on that Making cars that go like 200 miles an hour and subtly drop down half an inch Just in case there's a steel beam hanging across the highway. We can't do that here in america

We don't know how to do that shit. So I guess you know You're so busy looking at that egghead shit That when you leave the lab, you know, you just don't want to think see put on a little bit of hasselhoff You know, what does he think about the beach in his chest here? Going out and finding a fucking the right medallion to wear around his neck um But anyways, they've always made fun of the french for thinking jerry lewis was a genius and I gotta tell you something The french are 100 right

When they say jerry lewis is a genius and if you don't believe me YouTube video of the week. This is one of the classics You're ever gonna see in comedy. It's this just It's called the movies called the erin boy from 1961 jerry lewis plays an erin boy And there's a scene where he walks into one of the big shots office. It's empty. There's nobody in there And uh, he looks around and decides to sit down at the big conference table He lights up a cigar and starts acting like he's running The fucking company and they basically play this count bassy song underneath it and he pantomimes the entire scene

He doesn't say one fucking word This clip is 50 years old and it had me and neah on the ground laughing. It's like It's such fucking genius I can't even explain it now. Some people will look. Oh, he's just making a bunch of faces just watch His movements with the music and now every time he turns around and every time it's like a new section In in the music he spins around in the chair the whole the way he comes out of it I swear to god It's so fucking perfect. It as a comedian. It almost it almost brings tears to your eyes. It's absolute

Genius and I challenge any of you motherfuckers to watch this and tell me that it isn't all right So now that I trashed the french at the beginning of this podcast. I okay For their merciless stalking I just realized halfway through it. I don't even know if it's the french who are investigating them Well, fuck you. It's going on in your country. They're merciless stalking Of lance Armstrong Okay Uh now i'm telling you you got it right. You got it wrong with lance. You got it right with jerry louis. Okay

I don't have any problem with the french open. I love that you play on clay I think your country is absolutely beautiful. I think you need to drop the attitudes I you know what I think it is. I think you guys are a little fucking insecure What's the matter you used to be running shit when you had that fucking sawed off little run running around rubbing his fucking stomach What have you done since then exactly You know what you guys are like you like you like the fucking beach boys

in the 70s From like 1970 until they had that hit again in 1988 That those are the years france is in right now So You know, whatever the beach boys had like that last hit in like 68 or 69 then they had nothing for like 20 fucking years That's what the french are like. They had napoleon You know, he was one of the few fucking midget white acts that could also go on soul train and kill it, you know And then he got his ass beaten back all the way to france and never since then he hasn't had a hit

You realize that french you guys haven't had a hit going on fucking two decades Goddamn fillies have won two world series since you last had a fucking hit that's saying something Because those sons of bitches are averaging about one every 60 years You want to stand that? I hope you do come on you bilingual cunt Um, so they were you guys really smoke your cigarettes holding it underneath, you know, like you're you're you're a fucking The undercarriage the undercarriage of the cigarette you really sit there with your striped shirts on your little mustaches. You don't do you? Please tell me it. Don't so anyways the errand boy 1969 Jerry Lewis. Please watch that

And we actually have another clip from that where he does another scene where he He has to watch some phones. He can't figure out which phone is ringing And I you know, I don't think that people know like Jim Carrey. I think could do it I don't know the guy is an absolute fucking genius. He's one of my favorites and uh, do you know, he actually spoke at my graduation I know a lot of you guys probably think that's bullshit. I swear to god he did and in the morning they had a uh A parent students breakfast the day of graduation and then on graduation night, you know, there was the graduation So or afternoon they had so in the morning

Jerry Lewis Spoke at the breakfast and he was crazy Jerry And he was a fucking riot and he killed and me and my dad were laughing our asses off And you know, my mom she's just not a fan, but I still think she liked it but uh It was really awesome And then when he spoke at our graduation He uh, then he became like telethon jerry. He actually

As always he made the transition. He just didn't act like a lunatic And then when he went to the graduation was all of a sudden serious he transitioned Because he was acting like wow lady at our at our breakfast people spitting pancakes out dying laughing And then when you know when everybody comes marching in The students came in first and then the people came in last with their fancy robes This you know the fucking smart kids the math leads And then the guest speaker and he came walking in And he had his hands on the shoulders of the person in front of him

And he was doing this ridiculous walk and just came in going Everybody died fucking laughing And uh, but then and then he slowly transitioned out of that made a few jokes when he's up there And then he just really started talking about like he guy he's Old school entertainer. They don't make them like that anymore. And um I can't say enough about that guy. Here's another clip. I would love to find a jerry louis's. I cannot find it anywhere But I remember I had just started my stand-up career And I'd come home from some fucking

God-forsaken place in new england driving my piece of shit car. I get home And my dad was still up and it was like I swear to god had to be like 1 30 in the morning He's half asleep I'm burned out from doing the show and driving and we put on the tv and they're doing this whole thing on jerry louis And I'll make a long story short here. They uh They were talking about you know, how big You know martin and louis the comedy team d martin jerry louis got and when they broke up How everybody was blown away devastated

And they were wondering if they could survive on their own. So jerry louis gets his own show And it's the first episode and they should basically this was the bit They they do like the old school thing. They got like a big band playing and there's these shiny like shimmering fucking curtains and they go ladies and gentlemen the jerry louis show And rather than walking out like there was this runway and he was standing at the front of it and rather Basically rather than walking down to the end of the runway He was standing at the front of it and it was like motorized and it came right out to the crowd So the shot is you're looking at the curtains

They're playing the drum roll announcing him and all you see is the back of the heads of some people in the front row Kind of like sitting there like it's a nightclub And they just go ladies and gentlemen the jerry louis show and he comes through the curtain standing there in this tuxedo Not even look almost looking like he's posing And he has the most arrogant look on his face like he's the shit And i'm sitting there watching it going. Why is he acting so arrogant? Like he should be humble right now like he should make be making sure That his fans are going to follow him despite the fact that they're probably pissed that he left dean martin

And he comes right up to the front row and right when you think the stage is going to it's going to stop It plows into the front row and he does this fucking pratfall Over the table and steps on a chair and me and my dad you totally couldn't see it coming The misdirection was he was standing there so fucking arrogant that you were so focused on that You didn't see the pratfall coming and it's like 1 30 in the morning. My dad's half asleep He fucking falls over the damn table and goes into the chairs and crying laughing Crying laughing at 1 30 in the morning. That's how much of a beast jerry louis is all right there. That's it All right 10 minute fucking tribute on the podcast of jerry louis and once again youngsters

I did not come up with that lady thing Uh, that's something I kind of started doing with dorosa and uninformed. We're just big time jerry louis fans So so there you go. All right plowing ahead Um, we got oh, let's do it. Why don't we do the rest of the youtube videos for this week? We got some great ones that will be at the mmpodcast.com. Please remember to type in the We'll have all these youtube videos right there for you so you can just sit there surfing the net. All right This is a great one. Texas man

Gets a 330 thousand dollar home for 16 dollars This this is one of the greatest stories I've ever seen This guy found a loophole basically The guy who owned the house Declared bankruptcy. He took off Then the bank had it and I can't remember I only watched the video once there's something about There's this loophole in Texas where if a house is abandoned

For a certain period of time You can file this form It costs 16 bucks and you can claim the house And this is what this guy did right it gets better Everybody on the block is pissed because they paid like 330 350 thousand dollars for their fucking houses houses. Sorry And this guy comes in he pays 16 dollars for a house. So it brings the value of their house down So they want him out of there not only for that reason, but I'm also guessing because it's a black dude and they're all white Just I'm telling you it's like

When I watch this I'm like, this is the greatest beginning It's like a pilot episode for the greatest fucking sitcom ever Like the amount of characters that you could have It's a fucking tv show So basically what this guy has to do he has to stay there for three years And and the people on the you got to watch this video that his neighbors they're trying to get him for everything They're like, well, we just think he should pay for his house like everybody else It's like, you know, what what sort of a teen player are you?

Just because what you signed yourself into indentured servitude to these pieces shit bankers One guy One guy gets out of it doesn't have to become a fucking slave to these assholes and you can't be happy for him Because he found a loophole because he did his homework if you read about it You could have owned two houses you could have sold your house and then moved into the other one for 16 bucks Quit hating on the guy I think it's the greatest thing ever considering These bankers took this bailout money. They don't they don't they don't not only do they not know where they don't know where it is

They can't say where it is or who even got it And they're breaking this guy's that was like a billion trillion fucking dollars. What if this guy 330 grand? You mad at that guy He's a fucking genius. You know what I would do if I lived on that block. I would give that guy a fucking Goddamn, I don't know what I would make him a butt cake. Whatever the fuck you're supposed to do. I'd welcome him to the neighborhood I I and I'd be like, listen dude, can you do me a favor? Can you read some more documents and if you come up with some other shit? I would love if you could find a loophole

That somehow affects my life like Like this they're totally overlooking this guy's talent You know You know, it's funny about that guy that black dude who moved into that thing if he was actually on tv Screaming about how I bought a house for 16 dollars Half the people on the fucking street would call the 1 800 number and order his goddamn book You know, and then if it turns out to be a scam You'll never see the guy again, right? The guy is on your block

He's right there go over and learn from him I don't know. I think it's I think it's it's the greatest goddamn thing ever considering recently. I started looking at homes out here Because I've had enough I've just had enough with living over this guy. I'm 43. I'm still living in one bedroom apartments And I can't take it anymore. I'm done. I'm ready to get back on the wheel Okay, Illuminati you got me I'm gonna try and find a place uh, you know

That I can try and maybe pay off in 27 years you fucking cunts um But you guys should be psyched if I get a house because all that means is I will be coming to a city near you often Because I'll have to pay for that son of a bitch over there unless I find a loophole all right, the next youtube video of this week is uh buzz aldrin buzz aldrin an american hero all right fought world war two

uh, air force pilot Uh, what else did he do? He taught Other soldiers basically as far as I know how to how to be that guy in the bombardier Well, you know a little turret gun You're sitting there basically an aquarium bolted to the bottom of a fucking tank Uh, I mean an airplane the balls that that took Can you fucking believe that? You know freaked out you are you realize the balls it takes

To go to war the fucking balls Think about that shit. How scary is it to be flying in an airplane? You know you have a flying a commercial flight and you see another commercial airline you start freaking out like oh my god, oh my god, right? And those planes don't want to fuck with each other they got people air traffic controllers making sure that they don't fuck with each other They got evens and odds evens east to west odds West to east out of the fuck it works out they make sure you don't run into each other

And I just imagine if you're on a in a fucking plane there's people on the ground trying to shoot it down There's other smaller quicker more nimble fucking Fucking planes trying to shoot your plane down and your job is you got to climb down Basically to where the bag your fucking Check bags would be and you climb into this little glass bubble With a machine gun and you got to sit there spinning around in the chair. I mean Jesus Christ How much screaming are you doing down there?

I would just I would be doing a three. I probably shoot my own fucking plane I'd be so scared and I guarantee you they probably had some sort of safety device in there so you wouldn't You know because if you're following a plane Like john elway trying to hit someone running a fucking post pattern You And he starts from the left side of the aircraft goes across the right you might shoot the own fucking tail off um Oh my god, what if somebody sort of breaks the glass with whatever the fuck they're shooting?

And then you fall through it. Well, maybe you got a parachute on But then where the hell are you landing in enemy territory? I was just unbelievable the balls So buzz aldrin is part of this fraternity Of guys who I don't even know how he gets his flight suit on the size of this guy's balls So anyways this this fucking youtube video One of those moon conspirator people comes up to buzz aldrin and starts calling him a coward And a liar your liar. You're a coward. You never landed on the moon right

And first of all, you know me. I love a good conspiracy, but I don't get the whole we didn't land on the moon conspiracy like I'll go with it. Let's say we didn't Who who does that hurt? You know, what did it hurt didn't hurt anybody they didn't send a bunch of yeah, we landed on it then everybody jumped on a space shuttle And then they just took him out in space and threw him out the back door and they just came back. Yeah, they're on the moon and it was some fucking conspiracy theory to

Thin out the population out here Down here on earth. They didn't do any of that shit. What were we trying to do? Intimidate the russians So they didn't fuck with us So we lied and said that we couldn't the russians be able to figure that's what I love The kgb couldn't figure out that we didn't land on the moon But this tub of shit who's yelling at this fucking war hero. He somehow figured it out So anyways, he's following the guy around and not to mention buzz at this point is in his 80s Okay, so now you're yelling at an old man

all right A fucking tough son of a bitch but an old There's a certain level of respect the same reason why I don't yell at that old fucking coop down below at me I just don't yell at the guy because he's an old he's an old guy So this guy this fucking tubby goddamn fucking just

Last guy picked in gym class Fucking soft serve ice cream eating fag comes fucking walking up to the guy just sitting there going like you're a liar You're a coward. He said a bunch of things to him He's following out of the hotel into the street and there's this woman and one the first time he calls him a coward or something You watch buzz turns around It reminded me of like when I'm with my dog My pity when like she starts fixating and I'm watching the signs that okay. She's going into pit bull mode

I got a I got a snapper out of that It was the same thing. He started walking towards and the girl fucking pulled him back No, no, no, no, no, no And this guy wouldn't leave him alone. He can buzz keeps saying leave me alone Leave me alone Right and the guy keeps getting his face and then the second time he goes you're a liar You're a coward and buzz fucking right hook to this guy's fat fucking triple cheeseburger eaten face He and this guy I swear to god was like a foot taller than him and probably outweighed him by 150 fucking pounds

All quarter pound of with cheese though, right? And he just drills this guy in the face He backs him up like three steps as an 81 year old man and as much as I hate to admit it That punch you you look at this punch. I would have fell down I'm not even gonna lie to you. He would have hit me in my big fucking butcher block head And he would have dropped me So props to buzz Aldrin for not only being a hero for punching a fatty in the face You know what kills me as buzz is not even that big a guy

You know and this this really goes back to this fascination that I have With that generation of people, you know The Humphrey Bogarts The Lee Marvin's the Charles Bronson's I know I've talked about this before On my podcast where I was just like Why are those guys? Seemed so much tougher than the movie stars of today, right? You look at Brad Pitt. You're like, ah, whatever that p90x Looking jackass fuck him

Right. I don't give a matte daemon egg. Oh fuck yourself. You don't give a shit But you look at Lee Marvin. You're like, dude, I wouldn't fuck with that guy telly savalas I would not fuck with him either What is it that makes those guys so tough? Is it cuz Is it because the stars today actually highlight their hair? You know what I realized it was I looked up Lee Marvin somebody I watched my entire life and knew so little about Lee Marvin

Was one of the baddest dudes ever the sound of his voice the way carried himself He just like I wouldn't find the guy probably like a buck 40 buck 45. It's like I would not Fuck with that guy ever I know he could drink me under the table and still kick the shit out of me I'm just I would not fuck with him ever so I actually I went to uh His wikipedia and I looked up some shit This is why he was so believable And all those tough guy roles

This is why when he played a cop and he was shooting a gun He looked so believable and when he was in the big red one and all those other movies he was in He was so believable. This is his background Marvin left school To join the united states marine corps serving as a scout sniper in the fourth marine division He was wounded in action during the world war two battle of i'm gonna butcher this Saipan Saipan is an island off of the philippines And during this battle during the battle which most of his platoon were killed Marvin's wound in the buttocks from a machine gun fire which

Severed his sciatic nerve. He was awarded the purple heart and was given a medical discharge with the rank of private first class Okay Do you understand the difference between a guy like that pretending to be in war When he's actually been in it as opposed to some fucking douche like me if I ever booked a war movie And i'm trying to grow some scruff and have a cigarette dangling from my lip. Huh? Is this what a fucking war hero looks like? That's why That's why that's why buzz at 81 years old Fucking with one right hook 81 year old man

Backed up that fat michael moore looking jackass That's why they've been through it So this is what this is what I love about this shit. So a positive Of of us over the last 10 years Being having two wars at the same time. I'm telling you We got some we got some badass movie stars coming our way in the next 10 years We get out of these wars. I'm telling you these kids are coming back And they're gonna redo the magnificent seven and i'm gonna tell you

They're gonna have that vibe again That I wouldn't fuck with that dude and I guarantee you they're not highlighting their hair all right So there you go. Please check out lee marvin I'm telling you If you feel like a pussy just imitate half the shit he does I'm telling you probably get 40% more pussy in the first week. I guarantee it Um, it's only that guy who bought a house for 16 bucks. Um next next youtube video. We got his uh

Pizza hut in india. I don't know what's going on here, but uh, it's a pizza hut and all of a sudden It's sort of a hammer time and they start doing this synchronized dance What I really think it is is this it's so overpopulated in uh in india That in order to even maintain a job at pizza hut, you know You know, you always have that i'm tap dancing for the man in india. You literally have to do it I think they have a dance contest at the end of every shift and whoever

Does the worst loses their job and then they bring in a new employee for even less money And then they have a dance off at the end of every one of them. I don't know probably be a documentary at some point Um, and I believe is that it is that it for the fucking you? All right, we're bringing another topic back here everybody Well, let me height my my shit here for this week. How about that? I'm going to be at the montreal comedy festival everybody um As you're listening to this on monday. I am probably already there I've flown across this country for the nine millionth time in my life

And uh, I am going to be at the montreal comedy festival with uh, robert kelly and uh Joe d'arosa the young teen idol sensation from the opian anthony program Uh, we're going to be doing a show called cheat life Which is based off of our short film that you can actually see saturday night at the montreal comedy festival. It will be airing up there and um What else I don't know if I mentioned this we're also writing a book Based off of it when the book comes out the hard copy of the movie will be available

um until then you'll only be able to see the movie and uh Short film festivals which they have at the montreal comedy festival. So please If you're in the area Come on out. Check us out. If uh, if you're in the states you're anywhere near nearby I suggest you fly up you watch some great comedy and montreal is some of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life some of the most beautiful ladies You're ever going to see in your life

Beautiful architecture. Uh, it's not hockey season. So you don't have to worry about anybody rioting Um, although it probably will be ungodly hot Which means all those beautiful girls will be in summer dresses So why don't you stand there in a raincoat like me with your hands in your pockets and have a good goddamn time? All right We're bringing back an old topic here one that I actually said I'd stop doing because I heard uh, tosh point Oh does something like this but people keep asking me questions um

This is another installment Of the ones cancelled but now returned Is it racist racist racist? Um, all right bill. I had a recent episode That didn't really turn out that bad, but I felt really bad about it I'm in the medical field and one day someone I work with was going down to the cappuccino cart to get some java Jesus christ, dude. What fucking?

Stratosphere are you living in you're a doctor you get cappuccino carts and the java that just sounds you sound like you're in paris That's how that sounds in my world I remember when I had a real job I unload trucks. I went over to fucking, uh, Deangelo's I got a steak and cheese Um, anyways, they asked me if I would like anything and I told them Oh, this is let me get back to this at the cappuccino cart. They asked me if I would like anything I told them I wanted a large coffee They asked me what would I like in it and I said the old line

I like my coffee hot sweet and black like my women As soon as that came out of my mouth, I looked behind me to see a female african american medical student Uh, I was pretty sure she heard me and my gut fell into my pelvis with shame since I was in a position of of authority Um over her I felt particularly embarrassed. She never indicated that she Had heard anything, but since I have a loud mouth. I'm absolutely certain she did Uh, while staring at while staring at her. I didn't know what to say. So I backpedaled by saying Haven't you seen that movie airplane? That's a line from the movie she said no, but still never indicated she had heard my comment

So I just said oh, I was just saying a line From a movie anyhow nothing ever developed of it, but I felt that if I apologize it might have embarrassed her Um, and there was the remote possibility that she hadn't heard me too. Any anyhow, I felt bad about it Uh and guilty. So bill is it racist racist racist? Uh, no No, what is it? You're you're just You were unlucky Because the second you said

How do you like your your coffee? I don't remember hot and sweet. I just remember how do you like your coffee? And that little white girl they're like two eight-year-old kids talking How do you like your coffee? It was already funny that she was already in coffee and I remember the line Uh, I take it black like my men That's that's how that was actually the actual line. So this even though you switched it up. That's immediately what I thought I was like, oh, that's the line from airplane. So you you were quoting a movie um, you just Yeah, and the fact that you actually

Are self-aware enough that it made it even worse That you were in a position of power over her That tells me that you're a good dude. That just was a very awkward moment and uh hats off to her If she actually has heard you because she really could have turned that into this giant Fucking thing over nothing. I quoted a movie You know I quoted a fucking movie and then it would have just been like uh, why didn't you quote another movie? Why didn't you say I liked it? I like it creamy like the band

You know and then that would be some horrific shit for people to yell about on the view Why don't I always pick on that show? I never watch it. All right overrated underrated for the week underrated Nia's contributions to the monday morning podcast I got to read that one to her her ego's gonna go through the roof Um overrated. I actually agree with you um overrated uh putting NSFW not not

Not safe for work. I guess is what that stands for putting NSFW not safe for work on racy email forwards If you're screwing over your employer by cruising facebook or the internet on the clock, you're already doing something wrong You should either be caught and learn a thing or two or already know how not to get caught in either scenario It's not my responsibility to help you cheat your time card If by chance you happen to have the awesome job of having to watch youtube at work The whole safe thing shouldn't be an issue anyways Um should be an issue anyways. I don't know. I don't know anything about that. Is that what you guys do at work? Instead of working. Well, you fucking listen to this right now, aren't you?

um So anyways, uh, this is the end of the podcast here. I usually I don't know how to bring this type of stuff up other than just to bring it up um, obviously condolences go out to all the victims and everybody in um in norway Just unbelievably devastating to hear that news. I'm gonna be there in October so, uh, I don't know hopefully That's one of those things, you know something like that happens that bad and you're like, oh my god. I'm gonna stand on stage and act silly

You know, I just realized that I just in a roundabout way take tragedy and and use it as a way to hype my fucking uh, Mike my shows That's a terrible tragedy over there. No, we uh, Norway and incidentally, I'll be over there on the 19th of October. Um, I knew I shouldn't have brought it up I don't know how to I don't know how to gracefully handle those things. Uh That's fucking horrific and something like that has obviously happened way too many times here in this country So I hope that's the last time. I hope you got the guy who did it and uh I don't know. I don't know what else to say. I guess there is nothing to say. Well, Jesus christ, bill

What a great fucking way to end the podcast Now, what do I do? How about I read something about cvs? I figured I had to say something, right? Show that you gave a shit My heart was in the right place people of norway. All right. Here we go cvs backs off from a more customer friendly rewards practice Contrary to what the drugstore chains marketing chief said last year The firm isn't working to add extra bucks to consumers extra. You know, wait, let's go back to norway for half a second You know, what's going to be fucked up about this is how the nra is going to use this as an opportunity To start going like well, if everybody had guns they could have fucking shot at him

You know, and I'm actually pro I believe that people should be able to arm themselves, you know I actually believe that shit, but I I always it's fucked up that the nra always does that. They don't even wait They don't wait like half a fucking second When something horrific like that happens and they got to come in You know, remember charlton heston would come in with his musket and hold it over his fucking head, you know Like you just want to met a metal in fucking mexico city You remember that it'd be nice if they if they had like a five day wait period before they would just like and this is why

Machine guns should be legal Um contrary to what all right cvs back to cvs here. Um Do I really want to read all of this? I don't think I want to read this, do I? Oh, by the way, somebody sent me something some homeless guy in texas Went in and robbed a bank. He said I have a gun So they bring over a stack of cash He takes a hundred dollar bill out of the stack of cash. He gives the rest of it back He goes he pays for his room and gets himself something to eat the next day

He turns himself in says I wasn't raised to do something like that All right He goes to trial. They give him 15 fucking years All right Now the guy did rob a bank bank the guy did rob a bank So I get it. You're like, all right. Well, this guy is a fucking loose cannon all right So all right, he gets 15 years

The person sends me this link. I'm reading this other story One of these piece of shit bankers who was involved in a three billion dollar fraud scheme You know what he got? He got three years So there's the lesson people if you're gonna rob a bank take all the money So you can hire a lawyer that can get you out of this shit or at least Dude three billion dollar fraud you you want to be in jail for the rest of your life That's what I would love to see with all these pieces shit bankers. I would just love to see them Locked up for life

you know No more loafers no more cufflinks no more yachts You know no more hiring the fucking rolling stones to play your private party That was paid for by old people's fucking pensions and they're out there eating alpo And you're over there getting ron wood to show you how to do a g-cord really your fucking cunts

I swear to god, I think they should all have to dress like bankers I think that you should wear a little top hat dress like the penguin in batman They should walk around like that And then we should all get BB guns and just shoot them in the fucking ass Every time you walk in there, I want to withdraw my money And when he bends over in the safe, you just shoot him right in the butt cheek. Wouldn't that be nice? Just something some sort of punishment for taking all that fucking money Um, what else do I have anything else?

Um, oh, I know I have uh, I actually watched the chicago fire versus man united game You know because I watched the lady soccer game last week and I get into it And uh, it was a typical thing when an american team plays a team from another country We always play the first half. We're doing great. I'm like holy fuck. We're gonna be we're gonna beat man man united With that fucking dude kelly even I know his goddamn name guys a beast What happens they score fucking three goals in like five minutes Which I can't even explain to americans what what how difficult that is to do in soccer

You know You know, it's fucking weird about the chicago fire is that's a tragedy A bunch of people died And then years later you just you know It's like uh, I have in the honolulu pearl pearl harbor attack, right? Now jesus bill really are we going to get that far out of fucking jokes? All right. I'm you know what? I know when to tap out. That's it Um, I'm out of comedy go fuck yourselves

I'll uh I'm gonna bring this shit up to uh Up to montreal and I'm gonna try to do a podcast with bobby kelly and uh, joe young jota rosa Young jota rosa by the way everybody jota rosa is joined to jim so uh next time you see him at a show Do me a favor just be like joe you're looking good at you you're going to the gym or something And when he goes, yeah, I am and just be like i'm just fucking with you Bill told me that you're going to a gym. You look just as fucking mushy as you ever did Laughing his face and walk away. Could you do that for me?

If you can't do that go to the go to the mmpodcast.com and if you'd like to make a donation This free fucking podcast that I do out of the goodness of my heart. It's not to stroke my own ego. It's not to sell tickets It's to uh to give you guys free entertainment I am a martyr. Uh, there's a donation button there. I appreciate everybody. Uh, who's made all the donations you have Any little bit that you send in always helps Always helps. Uh, that is it the mmpodcast.com is the official fan page. That's it. That's the podcast for this week I hope you guys have a great week and uh

Once again Montreal comedy festival this week Later on next month august. I will be in reno august 6th At the golden nugget casino or some shit like that. I don't have it in front of me And i'm gonna be at zany's and nashville towards the end of the month And uh the stress factory in new jersey. So you guys come on down come on out to a show Yellow cube steak. I'll tell you the rest of that fucking story. All right, that's it. See you