Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-25-16

Episode Date: July 25, 2016

Bill rambles about The South, security and Deep Purple.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 25th, 2016. What's going on? How? What's going on? The final Monday in July of 2016 and old freckles, old Billy Redbeard, old fucking Billy Fatface, fucking trying to get the weight off, working out during the day, eating grade, having a beer at night, losing everything that he worked for. It's fucking ridiculous. It's ridiculous. What one beer does. And I just, I got to do it. I got a bunch of beers left over from the fucking Fourth of July. They're taking up all this space in my fridge, and I'm not going to throw them out. I mean, there's children that work in the Budweiser factory that fucking, you know,

they sleep on piles of hay, right? They pay him 29 cents a month. I don't know if that's true. Maybe it's hops. I don't know what they sleep on. No, there's no people. There's no children. There's no children working at Budweiser. That's that paid man. He wouldn't invest in Budweiser. If there was children there, I'm just going to go give me a couple of Budweisers. We had protection issues. My wife's on steroids. Wasn't me. She flew out her shoulder making s'mores. So she had human growth hormone through. I saw I'm going to say about that before I put my balls on somebody's head. I'm sorry. Believe it or not, I'm in a great mood. Yeah. So I got these fucking, I got all these bears in my fridge. One of my, what am I supposed

to do with them? I can't throw them out. I got botting tins. I got some millis. So I just have like one a night, right? And then I have a home pour of fucking whiskey. And that's all she wrote. That's all she wrote. I barely even get buzzed off of that too. And I wake up the next day and I just feel like, shit, I don't know why I keep doing it. It's a habit I have to break. I am a, I am a one and a half drink alcoholic. I have to have one and a half drinks and get a little buzzed every night. I want to go to a fucking AA meeting and say like, that's my problem. You know, I'll never forget when I started going off the rails, when I, I would have, I'd have one Miller light tall in a can. And then I'd have a home pour of whiskey.

And of course, after I finished that, I would just stop and I'd go to sleep. And the next day I'd wake up and I'd be totally functional and I'd go to work. But I, you know, I'd definitely be a little grouchy. And that's my story. Okay. Thank you for sharing. This guy comes up. My uncle raped me with a 12 pack when I was five. Right? They'd throw me out of there. They'd be walking up, put down them donuts. I don't know why they all have Southern accents in my world, everyone in AA's from the South. You know why they never got over the war. They're still fighting it down there.

South's going to rise again and do what? You're going to secede from the union. You're going to get old Stonewall Jackson, junior, junior, junior to come back and take over for you. You know what I say to that? I say, good luck. I say, good fucking, you know, do it. Just know this, you can't have Florida. And if you can't have Florida and you can't go to California, where are you going to take your kids? Huh? Well, they say, you know, when they fucking sitting there watching your Confederate TV, right? And it's a small world comes on, which is even more apropos, whatever the fuck you say it, because you're just like nine fucking states down there, whatever the hell you are, right? It's a small world after all. And they're

like, what do they call fathers down in, what do they call, Benito Jim dad? I want to go to Disney World. You can't cause you succeeded from the union. You can't go to Disney's land and you can't go to his fucking world. You know what? You can go to Talladega. You can go see the Winston Cup series, huh? They got a water slide out there. I don't think they do. They got to have a bunch of adults skip it around and fucking outfits that scare children. They do not. So let me tell you something fucking there, Mason Dixon, Mason and Dixon. Why don't you think twice? Think about everything you're going to lose out on if you succeeded from the union. Huh? No more Disneyland. No more Disney World. See worlds down there. You don't get to see

those fucking fish that don't want to be there. You know, a lot of people think like fish, like don't give a fuck that they're in a tank. You know, just because they don't have an ability to speak to us that therefore that means they're fine with it. We treat fish like immigrants. You know, the fish is fucking looking at you. You're just like, speak English. You got a problem with that tank. Spit it out. Fucking sit there staring at me with your eyes on the side of your fucking scaly head. Be happy. I didn't eat you. You look at me one more time. I'll cut your fucking head off. I'll roll you up. I'll roll you up. I'll roll you up. I'll roll you into some flour with an egg wash and I'll deep fry you motherfucker and I'll make

your friends watch. Sit there and fucking stare at me like I work for you. I don't work for you. Who here's in the tank? That's right. I didn't think so. I didn't think so. Anyways, Bill, why are you so off the fucking walls today? You know why? Because we wrapped at least the script writing part of season two of Effors for Family, which means I get to go back to being a fucking 14-year-old who has no fucking job, no responsibilities, no nothing. Just a bunch of bears in my fridge that I'm slowly going to kill. I do the elliptical in the morning and then I give it all back with a can of beer and that's what I do, right? While I fucking wear out my joints. That's all I'm really doing right now. I'm just maintaining.

Isn't that what a lot of people in this digital age are just trying to do? Aren't they just trying to maintain? Just trying to keep their heads above water in this time of change and robots. If they fucking, does the election, has that happened yet? Jesus fucking, you can't go near the goddamn TV. Everybody's so fucking scared. Oh, it's going to happen. Nothing. It's going to continue on the way it's supposed to go and whether the fucking comb over or the clam gets in the house, it's going to go in the direction that the money wants it to go into. And if it doesn't, okay, they're going to Dallas, right? And they're not going to be in a Tesla. They're going to fucking roll out that 63 fucking stretch Lincoln convertible. That's right.

They're going to get the old right there, Fred, to their fucking, Jesus Christ, the two of them. You know what I mean? Their heads, you know what? If I was in secret service, there would be a head size that you could not be above, you know, or else the president would have to sign a waiver, just like, you know, both of them. Hillary and fucking and Trump, they have, they have like, like if you could make sliders out of Ted Kennedy's head, that's what the fuck they have. That is the most amazing thing about Ted Kennedy. He had the biggest fucking head out of all of them and he, nobody ever took them out. You know, you would think that that fucking guy out of all of them, they all had big squashes, right? You know, it's all good looking men do, right? You got to

have a big head, big stupid head with the square jaw, that look in your eye like everything's going to be okay. The kind of thing that make women go, oh, he could pay for all my stuff, right? One of those heads, well, what's his face? Ted Kennedy was ahead of his time. No pun intended, right? If you want to know how fat people are going to get, if you want to know how big sodas we're going to get, if you want to know how fucking ridiculous, you know, McMansions and all this shit and all the stuff that we were going to buy in the age of consumerism, right? If you were back in the 1950s trying to guess, you had to wager, which ways are going to go? Are we going to go back to living on dirt floors and log cabins? Are we going to have kegerators and fucking

chocolate fountains in our houses? All you had to do is look at Ted Kennedy's head and be like, there it is. That right there, that's an omen. You know, that interesting thing about Ted Kennedy's head, it was in his entire time he was alive, it was never backlit ever. People tried, it just was never enough light, you know? There's not even a picture of him like blocking out the fucking, like not even the sun could reach around either side, it just became night, and he walked outside. Hey, I'm seeing you in a big head, you know? I got a big head. I got a big head, I do. Literally and figuratively, I got a giant head, I got a fucking ego and a half because I got the whole week off and what am I going to do? I'm going to rest up,

get ready for my European tour, like the red fucking headed whore that I am and I'm going to fucking, Tuesday night I'm going to be at the Steve Allen Theatre on Hollywood Boulevard, the Boulevard of Dreams. I'm going to be there and just basically saying my shit. So, you know, I just, all you need to do is just fucking say it a few times, right? Just mutter it to myself, walk around the block, talk to myself, hands in my pocket, vigorously scratching the side of my ballsack, right? Having the cops come by, having them pull over, asking me what I'm doing, do I live around here? Are you a vagrant? Sorry, do you guys see Rudy Giuliani's speech about the policeman? That was one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen in my life, the way he was

trying to get that crowd going, you know? They come to your house, they didn't have to be there, they'll take a bullet for you. I wanted him to keep going, you know? He just basically described police officers' jobs, but I wanted him to keep going and I wanted him to betray how wealthy he is and the influential friends that he has, you know? They come to your house, they say you're under arrest, but you have your lawyer meet him in the driveway and they say Rudy will turn himself in in three days and they all leave and the charges go away. I wanted, I wanted him to go that far because here's the deal, you know? The way the police are being paid right now is fucking ridiculous. It's the same way, you know, if one comic sucks,

then every fucking comic out there has a lampshade on their fucking head, you know what I mean? There's definitely some terrible people that are police officers, but that doesn't mean that they're all bad, okay? Now, Rudy Giuliani, you can't fucking stand there where you exist in society with your skin color and think that you can accurately describe police officers, you know? You need somebody a little more mid-range. Well, maybe it's good that he said that, okay? Now we got the high end, right? Black people fucking said their end and then you just need somebody in the middle. Nah, you still can't do it. You still can't do it because of racism. You got to try to balance the whole fucking thing out. I don't know. Who knows? You think, you know, it'd be great with the

fucking cell phone cameras and then the cops film themselves. What would be great is if somebody fucked up as a cop, if they actually got fired, if they actually fucking were punished and went to jail, if they actually murdered somebody, not like, you know, one or two or three people, if they actually just started doing that, I don't know. I don't know if there's any fucking solution to it, you know what I mean? It's a hell of a fucking job to have. You got to walk up to a fucking car, not knowing if you're going to get shot or not. That would make me a little edgy, you know what I mean? I think a lot of cunts can sit in their fucking living room when they're perfectly safe being like, oh, you know what I would do? This is what I would have done, right?

Like when you watch your fucking quarterback throw an interception and then you say, I would have dumped it off to the tight end. Oh, is that what you, that's what you would have done on your fucking couch? I think it's an impossible job. And I also think that there's an element to that job that fucking sadistic psychopaths are attracted to bouncers and all those things. There's a lot of people that just want to beat the shit out of people that go for that job. Then there's other ones that go there, they have their heart in the right fucking place, you know, but they don't really make the news. You know what I mean? It's kind of like comics, like every night we tell jokes, nobody gets offended and then one cunt gets fucking offended and then all of a sudden,

is that what it's like, Bill? Somebody getting unarmed, somebody unarmed, getting murdered is like somebody getting in trouble for a Caitlyn Jenner joke. Gee, Bill, thanks for fucking explaining that one. Oh, fuck you. It's my podcast. Okay. I choose not to read. I choose not to be informed. That's my choice. Okay. Unlike one of those feminists, you know, when they fucking start yelling about that, don't tell me what to do with my body. All right. Don't tell me what to do with my podcast. All right. No more podcast shaming. Oh shit. I had the fucking greatest set I've had in fucking month Saturday night at the comedy store in the main room. There was this chunk of material. I've been trying to work out.

I finally set it in the right way. And then I came home. I was so confident of it. I played it for my wife and even she left. And that's the deal. When you try something new, this is, this is, this is the litmus test. And I don't even know what the fuck that means. I don't even know if I'm saying it right. Litmus, latmus modal, right? My fucking test is I then play it for the lovely Nia. And if she fucking left, you can make your fucking wife get behind the new shit that you're doing, then you know, you're on to something, you know, because in general, what they do when they first meet you, they're like, Oh my God, you're amazing. They just fucking pump you up. Right. So you start going like, wow, she's really cool, man. Right. And then once they get you,

once you're fucking in the relationship, once you give them the ring and you get married, then they fucking just grab the reins and start yanking back. Whoa, nilly. Whoa. Right. They start yanking the fuck back. Not because they're jerks. It's just out of fear. He's going to do something new. He's going to find something new. He's going to find somebody new. That's what they do. Unlike guys. Everybody knows that men are totally secure with who they are. I'm just doing this right now for any guy who's listening to this podcast next to a woman, just to listen to her going, Oh my God, how can you listen to this guy? You're such an idiot. Let me tell you something, lady. All right. And don't look at him right now. Cause he's not saying this. I'm talking to you, sweetheart,

in the background, shaking your fucking head. It's your man who's going to die before you. Let him have his laughs. Okay. What you feel right fucking now is what a man feels when he comes home and you're walking, you're watching those Botox squawking fucking horse. Okay. Doing the recap of their fucking season with that Andy Cohen or whatever his name is that fucking genius. He's like, he's like the gay Byron Allen, you know, where they just found a show where there was no show. Everybody was like, there's no show here. And the genius of that guy to be like, yes, there is. It's not enough that you got a bunch of screaming hordes yelling at each other that someone's going to sit down and watch it every fucking night. The fact that he then does the recap and just sits

there. You don't have to write anything new. They do it for you. He just sits there and effortlessly hosts the show. He's a master. He just sits there and he has this, this fucking set list like a comic, but all it is is to get these women yelling at each other. And he just, he just, just watch the brilliance of that man. He just fucking sits there. And if it's, if it's fucking simmering, he turns up the heat, you know, you know, in episode four, Kathy, she says she had some choice words in the moment. That's all he has to say. Oh my God, when she called me a fucking cunt and then she goes and he just fucking lays back like Ali, right. And when he was fighting George Foreman, he just lets these women start fucking punching each other out and they run off

set and he sits there and this is the brilliance of this man is he sits there and he actually has a look on his face like he truly gives a fuck. Like he actually gives a shit about these people. He's just sitting there going, that's great TV. There we go. That just sold some toothpaste and he's just fucking raking it in. Look at the guy. He looks like a million bucks. A lot of people don't know this about that man. He's 83 fucking years old. You know, everybody talking about Dick Clark, how great he looked right to the fucking end. Yeah, well, close to the end that I should have said that, but fucking, you know, whatever, we all go out like that, right? But he's fucking 83. A lot of people don't know that. You think the guy was like, you know, like whatever, 37. I have no

fucking idea. There's got to be people hosting real shit. That's fucking difficult. Go why the fuck didn't I just do that? What he is is he's doing a sophisticated Jerry Springer. You know, everybody's sitting down. There's no punches thrown. They scream and yell. They cross their legs. This is the one thing I'll say about the real housewives. They're fucking legs are incredible. It's fucking amazing. Their legs are like fucking 22 year olds. They're fucking faces. Whoo. You know, Jesus Christ. And I got a lot of fucking nerve saying this, considering the way I look, considering the way I travel the world, looking like an albino balding hellboy minus the working out, right? I look like the thing if it was skinny and didn't have that skin disease.

You know what I mean? But yet could not go out in the sun. That's what I am. I'm a middleweight thing minus whatever. What's it made out of? Come on. Come on. Comic cons. You know what he's made out of. You know how he turned into that. Was it another accident in a lab? Huh? Did he come here from another planet and then get bit by a spider and then got blinded by some shit? Now he's a fast ant living in somebody's fucking head, you know, driving a jet ski down to Middle Earth. Jesus Christ, just when you think, just when you fucking think that the real housewives is the dumbest fucking thing you're ever going to watch, they come out with another stupid fucking superhero movie. Jesus fucking Christ. Can somebody get the just collectively get these nerds some hookers?

You know, why don't they go, what do the kids go on now it takes? What is that? What is that fucking, you know, it's one of those apps, whatever the fucking is. It's not, is it Tinder? One of them is like the Hori one and then the other one's like, oh, you know, I like this kind of food and I'd like to have three children. You know, the douche app and then you got the other one. It's just like, you know, hey, you know, I got some booze. You know, I got a ding-a-ling. I want to stick it in your fucking, your fucking keyhole there, whatever it is. That's fucking amazing. God bless this generation. You know what I mean? That's fucking great they have that. You know, it's weird. Every year, like life becomes easier, you have to think less, but it gets more expensive. It's

fucking nuts. You know what I mean? I can tell you right now, if there was fucking free porn and there was these dating sites, you know how much easier your fucking life would have been when you were a kid? Just not having a fucking, oh God, Jesus, I remember having to go out to those stupid fucking, you're just going out to these fucking clubs. You know, I was going out there in the fucking late 80s, walking into a nightclub. That girl is poison. And everybody with their fucking puffy ass pants, walking around, wearing driving gloves inside. Fucking music, loud as shit. You know, now you can sit there in your fucking underwear, just scrolling through people like you're a fucking rock star on, you know, like whenever you hear that shit,

like how the roadies would go out and pick the fucking women that the band was going to fuck. And they'd be like, yeah, you put your friends got to stay. And then the fucking friend would leave. She'd be like, Marcy, how could you leave me? And she just fucking walks away just for one night with to fuck the guy, some guy from deep purple, right? And then years later, the two of them meet, you know, at a high school reunion. And then the fucking one that left the other one left Marcy behind is all fucking nervous that Marcy is going to let her now husband know that she fucked, you know, the Maracas player, the Maracas player from deep purple. He wasn't even a full member. They just had him on for that one fucking song because Santana scared

the fuck out of him. They thought that was the direction of music was going to go. Then once they realized that mainstream music was only going to accept one Santana, right? And there wasn't going to be another fucking type of Santa and tell those guys, and then there was Ricky Martin. And years fucking later, they're at the they're at the fucking high school, the high school reunion. And she's just fucking with her eyes. She's trying to be like, oh, so good to see you. She's fucking like bringing her in like, you know, trying to fucking sort of muffler and choke her out like, don't fucking see shit to my husband. No, they fucked a Maracas player and fucking deep purple. Right. And then Marcy, she's just now she's a woman. She's just not going to come out

and say it was the fun there. Then then it's over. You know, it's like a cat playing with the mouse. She's just going to linger. She's going to start talking to the husband. Yeah, act at all interests, not looking at fucking, you know, Marcy, right? And then she's going to kind of glance over at her. And then she's just going to just slowly let it out. Yeah. Me and your wife. Yeah, we were crazy back then. Remember all those concerts we went to? And she's just going to watch there. I forget who's Marcy at this point, the fucking chick who got let we'll just say Marcy's the married one. All right. You're just going to see her face fucking fall. It's his fucking chick. Just twist the fucking knife. Is she going to tell? Is she not going to tell? And then she'll

back off and change the subject and then she'll gradually come back around to it. And this fucking guys just standing there doesn't know a fucking thing. I'm sorry. I was just, you know, I was just doing a table read for a fucking screenplay. I'm writing called Marcy's a cunt. You know, and I've been shopping around Hollywood forever. And I tell you, as great as the script is for whatever fucking reason, they just cannot get past the title. You know, it's just this politically correct age that we live in. All right, let's get to some of the reads here for this week. Oh, for Christ's sake, Bill. Did you even fucking? Did you even fucking? No, you didn't. There we go. All right. Here we go. Four reads in docino, in docino. The fuck is this? Talk about how good it

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no problem. Go steal one. Bunch of old lady in the head. No, get the $20 off online. Get $20 off online too with score big.com. That's score big.com promo code burr. Score big.com promo code burr. Lastly, but not leastly. Stamps.com, everybody. You know, trips to the post office have probably become second nature to you. They seem easy because you've been doing your mailing and shipping that way for so long and you live in a first world country. So you don't have to walk nine miles with a basket on your head to go get some water while you fight off a cobra. But think about all the hassle, man. Dropping what you're doing, driving there, finding parking and waiting. This is a much better way. Hey, Bill, what would that be? Whoa. It's Stamps.com, everybody. Stamps.com

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Shoemaker. Every other Grand Prix driver sounds like the guitarist and scorpions and the scorpions, I should say. You know, it's fucked up about that track. I don't know shit about this sport. It just seemed whoever was in first, like, like the race was to the first turn and then it was just fucking over. You couldn't get past anybody. You know, who is that fucking lunatic zigzagging behind the red ball? Huh? Going back and forth. He cut off the front of his fucking car. Was it Sebastian Vettel? Was it Max Verstappen? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a guitar. Max Verstappen. Kimi Raequinen was the driver of the day after he was in, like, a fucking 90th place and he moved up to, like, seventh to some shit. It adds its moments. Race for fourth was really entertaining,

but I didn't like how, you know, there was no way for fucking Nico to even try to pass Lewis. Once he got out in front that fucking track, it was just, you know, kind of stunk. Like, Lewis Hamilton was just driving around. Right? The whole fucking time. And, you know, they were just showing, like, the race for fourth and fifth and third and fourth and then, like, they were on the final lap and it was so fucking boring out front. They were still back, you know, watching that guy zigzag. Hey, Formula One fans, I don't understand why they, like, the fucking rules. Well, Bill, why don't you look them up? Well, it's easier to ask you guys. It's also funnier if I talk about them and I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't get out when the guy who cut off

the front of his car, right? One of the fucking fins. I did find it funny that they were like, yeah, people do that all the time and it doesn't affect the performance of the car. Doesn't seem to, anyways. Well, they were saying you were only allowed to make one move. Like, he went to the right and then he came back to the left and then back to the right and that was considered more than one move. And I was just like, what the fuck? You can't do that? I thought I left this behind with the NFL season. Hey, this is like, you know, he's got to make a football move. That fucking guy, when he tried to go around the other dude, didn't do anything that I don't do when I'm on the highway, when I'm behind some fucking douche driving too fucking slow in

the left lane, right? Oh, you know what? And I'm in the second to left lane, right? And there's some guy driving medium speed and then somebody doing that, just making a wall and I'm like, what the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? And then you go around to the right, coming around. Now, when I watched the race, it was Lewis Hamilton, then Rossburg. And I remember it was a Red Bull, then a Ferrari, then a Red Bull, then a Ferrari. And then today it's saying Red Bull, Ferrari, Ferrari, Red Bull. So did somebody get penalized? It's fucking unreal. I don't get it. Like it's always like after the fucking, oh, you thought you won the race, but somebody said something in TA, don't shift into seventh gear and they're like, oh, you can't do that. Don't tell

him what he shouldn't do. You know, he's only driving a car at 200 fucking miles an hour. One guy spun up. That was it. There wasn't really any crashes or anything like that. But it was funny. I'm actually totally into it. My wife can't stand it. She says when I have it on, it sounds like a bunch of bees flying around, but it's still fucking cool as shit. Although that, I don't know. That was probably of all the races I've watched. That's been my least favorite. Just because there was all this, like the start of the race was the most exciting. And then there was just a bunch of people in the back trying to go around people and they couldn't do it, except for Kimmy Reconin, the flying Finn, evidently. See the flying Finn, I have no fucking idea.

Um, anyways, but this is really getting me through the fucking dog days of baseball. I fucking love baseball, but I just, you know, I can't get into it in July and August. I like it in April, you know, in the May, you start seeing what's going to happen. And then I just fucking veg out June, July, August, the same way the players do, right? They're just standing up there like, dude, what the fuck? How many fucking games do you have to play in the regular season before we know who deserves to win the division? 162, isn't that, isn't that insane? That has to be, if you're going to own a professional team, that's got to be the sport to do it. 162 home games. If your team's selling out the ballpark, Jesus Christ,

those things have to be, I got to look this up right now. Look at this. I'm actually going to do research professional. See, I know franchises. I should have put sports in there right now. If something going to be fucking talking about McDonald's worth the most. Okay. Well, this is everything. Okay. The Dallas Cowboys for whatever reason are worth four billion dollars. Real Madrid, which I'm guessing is some sort of football club in Spain, is worth 3.7 billion dollars. And then there's another one in Barcelona. Is that also Spain? 3.6 billion. The New York Yankees. There you go. Well, that makes sense that like world football, as we call it soccer, would be worth that much money because that really is.

When you win a world championship, you're winning the World Cup. You're playing against the fucking world. It's like an Olympic medal, except you get paid. Then the New York Yankees, 3.4 billion. Then Man United, 3.3 billion. And then the New England Patriots, everybody's favorite fucking team to hate on 3.2 billion. Then the New York Knicks. What? 3 billion? Jesus Christ. New York. Oh, that's a fixer upper right there. New York Knicks are a fucking tear down. Oh, this is weird, man. Then the Washington Redskins, 2.9 billion. Hey, shut up. I hate when this happens. Now you've got to figure out where the fuck the voice is coming from.

Shut up. Oh, there it is. All right. All right, the Redskins are worth 2.9 billion. Then the Giants are 2.8 billion. Then the Lakers are 2.7 billion. The Lakers are worth less than the Knicks. If anything says that this state is going to fall into the ocean one day, it's that the fact that the fucking Knicks are worth more fucking money than the fucking Lakers. Jesus Christ, what are the Celtics worth? Oh my God, Rappaport's going to fucking love that. Well, you know something that actually makes sense because, you know, when you moved to Manhattan, you fucking, can you fucking let me get to the site? I hate when fucking sites do this. They just got to suck the fucking

information out of you. Forbes. I'm going to give you my fucking email. What, so Time Magazine can start fucking spamming me? I don't think so. Why Hillary Clinton should be thankful election is not today. I don't know why. Is there pantsuits all in the fucking dry cleaners? All right, let's, let's do, where am I? How much time have I done? 41 minutes. You know, some days it feels like work, other days it doesn't. You know, I've become obsessed with as of last night is, you know, I've been doing this grip strength thing and I've been fucking doing great, man. I can go up a pegboard now at 48 years of age. I can go up a climbing rope, leaving my skinny fucking alabaster fucking albino legs just dangling like a fucking, I don't know, couple of appendixes, right? Jesus, I never

had to make that plural. Appendix. Appendix is tits today's. Yeah, because you know what, I got those atomic fucking holds. Those motherfuckers better send me some free shit. I'm sick of hyping those guys up, but they're the shit. They are the shit. So now I want to be able to do one of those, is it called a front lever or front lever? And I watched this guy's YouTube video. I'll repost it. The six easy steps. Hey, lovely Nia to being able to do a front lever. Um, did you hear about Paula Abdul? No, what? She's, she's a singer and she was a Laker girl. Come on. No, I have to eat my cereal. Okay. I just brought you some of this. Thank you. Come over onto the mic. Mike, Mike, baby. Why did you do that about Paula Abdul?

Um, because I love Paula Abdul. I know I like making people laugh. I had to pick some of you know, if I was like, did you hear about Paula Abdul? Like that's not funny. Well, it is funny. It is funny. And you're going to sit there and act like you're not going to do it to me. That's true. Who would you pick? Hmm. One of your rock icons, probably. You know, it kind of helps if you pick a name. Well, I can't tell you because then it's not going to be a surprise when I do it. All right. No, it isn't because you already told me you're going to do it. See what I did there? Oh, yeah. I guess, but I could flip it. I don't know. It's, it's the morning still here. Drink some of your juice. I brought it for you. Oh, thank you.

Well, I got to do a podcast if you don't mind. Just drink it right now though. No, people give me shit because I try not to drink on the mic, but I have to hold the microphone. Just take a sip of it. All right, then talk to them while I drink it. Okay. So on my Snapchat last night, if you guys follow me on Snapchat, I made my fresh squeeze watermelon juice that I'm giving it to Bill, who loves it. Wow. He's taking it down like a champ. You give me anything in this glass? I suck it down just like my juice I drink at night. Daddy's medicine. Daddy's medicine. All right. I got to get back to the podcast, Nia. Okay. All righty. All right. Okay. What you talking about?

I don't really know. This has just been one of these stream of conscious days. That's your whole podcast. I talked about some lady with a basket on her head trying to get water when she fought off a cobra. I do remember that. Okay. I also talked about how big the heads are of the people running for president and how I'd be concerned if I was the head of security. Mm-hmm. Okay. What else? That's all I can remember. Oh, riveting. Okay. All right. I'll see you. Hey, Nini. Yeah. Did you hear about Lady Gaga? She had a meat dress. All right. Let's get to some of the questions here. Oh, yeah. Yes. I became obsessed with that front lever. This guy has a six-step thing on how to do it

because I always wanted to be able to do the human fucking flag. That's just a great thing to be able to do if you're not a gymnast because people just expect you to be able to do it. But if you're just like a dad, you've got a couple of kids, you're fucking into roofing. No, that's a physical job. Whatever you fucking build. I don't know. It'd just be something just funny to do that you could actually fucking do that. Just weird people out. You know what that reminds me? I wanted to do a bit on these fucking CrossFit people, but I just feel like it's just too hacky and every comic is going to have a bit on it. So what's the deal? What's why do these CrossFit people, why do they have to like work out in the gym and outside? Why is it just so fucking look at me?

We're working out. I work out too. I work out my garage with the fucking door closed. It's the most narcissistic shit. You ever see what they just like? They're fucking running down the street with like a goddamn fucking tire behind them, right? Somebody showed me a picture of a guy doing that. I retweeted it, right? Running down the street dragging a tire. When you just run up a hill, you're fucking moron. You know? Oh, because the tire adds more difficulty. When they run up the hill more times, increase your reps, you stupid fuck. What are you training for? The stand? Like I was fucking somewhere in Santa Monica, these fucking jerk offs. There's like 10 of them outside and they got, you know, and they got the double fucking ropes that thing that they do.

That the only reason you really need to do that is if you're fighting in the UFC. They're the only people who seem to need to have to do that. Then everybody else wants to be in UFC shape. Without having to actually have the balls to get in the octagon. All right? So fucking dumb. And or even when they're inside, there's like down the street, there's one from me. It's like this giant garage door and they just have it open. Like, look at us. We're crossfitting. I talked to Nia about it. She was saying like, yeah, it was like all the rage to be on one of those social media things. And like, oh, I did, you know, filming yourself working out hashtag crossfit. It's just, I don't know. When I was a, when I was a kid, if you wanted people to look at you,

you got into show business. Okay. You became a male stripper. You told jokes. You joined a band. You know, now these fucking assholes, they're making a bunt cake and they got like fucking 80,000 fucking hits and everybody's walking around with the same arrogance that I have. It's not fair people. I earned, I earned my arrogance. I'm fucking with you. You want to work outside. You want to run down the street with a fucking tire behind you. You know what I mean? I don't quite understand when to apply the white privilege thing because I am white. And who's kidding who? I am one of the whitest of all time. You know what I mean? I would say Hitler would not be disappointed if I walked into his office, but I think the red hair,

I think I might be out. Once Chuck white skin, Chuck, once the blue eyes, yeah, oh, this one's defective. All right, if you want to help donate to this podcast without having to do fucking anything except buy something on amazon.com, just go to my website, billburr.com. Okay. And there's an Amazon app there. You click on that thing. It takes you right to Amazon. It doesn't cost you any extra money. I just get credit for driving traffic to their site. And then they kick me a little Doray me. You didn't have to do nothing. Nobody knows anything. And you know, whatever, I go out and I buy myself a ham sandwich. You can do it. If you want to get dope, that's fine. If you're listening to this podcast, you're like, I hate this thing.

Gee, I wish there was a podcast network that had a bunch of other podcasts to choose from. I would say to go to all things comedy.com. The podcast network started by myself and Al Madrigal and a bunch of other people. We got Ari Shafir over there. I should really go on the website right now and give you and give you a bunch of fucking names, right? All things comedy, right? Of all the people I used to podcast with. All right, what do we have here? Oh, we got Dean Dell raise. Let there be talk. Chris St and Anna David, I have no control over my vagina. How do you not fucking listen to that? We got Steve Simone. We got Doug Stanhope.

My fucking goddamn eyes are going. I can't even read half of these fucking things. Ari Shafir, skeptic tank. We got with Aaron Foley, sports without balls. Whatever the fuck you want. We got it over there. All things comedy.com. All right, let's read some shit here for this week. Shall we? 50 minutes in. Professor Dick Wad. Hey Bill, you hemoglobin laden erythrocyte. I had to look all of that up. That's basically, I have a lot of red in me, a lot of red blood cells, I guess. Let's make this as short and sweet as possible. Hey, all right. Why don't you fucking lecture me, you cunt. I go to a nice college. I also manage a movie theater in my town too. Why would you say also and too? I manage a movie

theater in my town also or too. Two and also mean the same thing, right? I also manage a movie theater in my town too. Comma too. All right. At school, I've got a film. You said you're gonna make it short and sweet. At school, I've got a film studies class with one of those pretentious fucking professors that wears young kid clothes to come off cooler than he really is. Yeah, you know what that means. He's gonna fuck a student. I love movies. I've seen plenty of them. That's the reason why I'm taking this class. Well, that's great. Gravitate to what you want. Every time before we watch a movie in this class, the professor asks us to raise our hands if we've seen it before. I raise my hand almost every time that I look around to see if anyone else is raising

their hand. They rarely are. Sure, I'm a nerd. I've seen the fucking movies. Maybe if he didn't play the most standard choices like Casablanca and shit, I wouldn't raise my hand every time. Look at that. You like movies. You're doing your homework. You're taking a class on it. You're gravitating towards what you want. Very nice. All right. So anyway, I was just recently hired. I was just recently hired on an employee. Dude, you're killing me. I just recently hired on as an employee. You left out the as at my theater who also happens to be a student of my film studies. Oh, you went by an employee. So anyway, I just recently I was just recently hired by an employee at my theater who also happens to be a student of my film studies professor,

but in a different class at a different school, I think I conveyed what you were trying to say there. As a joke one day, I asked the kid, so does Mr. So-and-so ever talk shit about our class? The kid looks me square in the eye and says, yeah, actually he does. Dr. So-and-so says there's this one kid in your, your, your all's class. You mean y'all's class who always raises his hand when he asks if he's seen the movie, but really he probably hasn't. And then he looks around the room to make sure everyone is looking at him to know he's seen the movie before. That's hilarious. This guy's getting insecure. You're making your teacher insecure. So then he's got to, oh Jesus, that's probably why he's wearing the young people's clothes. He's talking shit about the other class

to make himself seem cool. Oh, this guy's a fucking, this guy's a bitch. I don't like this teacher. He goes, so there we go. This guy talks shit about me to his other classes. When all I'm doing is generally raising my hand after being asked if I've seen the movie or not. In any other case, I'd probably just confront him about this, but I don't want to risk failing the class or something petty like that. Am I overthinking this? What should I do here? I'd walk right up to the guy. I just, who gives a fuck this fucking insecure cunt. He'll probably give you a better grade because what does need to be like, just walk right up to him bed. Yeah, listen, man, there seems to be some confusion on your part that you seem to be trying to work out with

the other class as to why I raise my hand every time. I happen to love movies. I work at a movie theater. Okay. And I've seen all these movies and I look around just to see if anybody else has seen the movies because I love movies and I want to talk to people about movies. If you don't want me to keep, you know, raising my hand, stop doing this paint by numbers, basic horseshit movies that you keep picking. What are you going to have next week? Days of thunder? Huh? You're giving me shit. You're going to come in here dressed like you're going to a fucking, I don't know. What are the young kids listening to? Ah, you just go see the weekend. Is that the right thing? Who's the other guy? Who's the rapper who won all the fucking Grammys? Kendrick Lamar.

I know who they are. I don't, I know a few of their songs. I know the weekend's CD starts off going, you can actually play the beginning of the weekend. I think Rednecks do it as much as they probably don't like his skin color. They probably play that when they're out duck hunting. And to try to get the young ducks, you know, we're into all this fucking, I'm fucking with you. I am a fan of the weekend. It was hard right that last joke. All right. Hey, Billy, calorie count thoughts on Melissa McCarthy getting flack for losing weight. All right. My first thought on Melissa McCarthy, I did a movie with her a number of years ago,

was called The Heat, directed by Paul Feig, starring Melissa McCarthy, Sandra Bullock. And that's where I first met Michael Rappaport, you know, dropping names all over the place. And she is truly one of the most naturally funny, fucking hilarious human beings I have ever met. And she's an absolute sweetheart. So anyways, I didn't realize people were giving, why would you give somebody flack for losing weight? Aren't you supposed to say, hey, great job. Good for you. You know. Anyway, so people are saying she's doing it because of Hollywood pressures. That's so fucking dumb. All right. People are just, that's not what it is. It's the same

townie mentality when you're finally deciding that, you know, wearing your football jacket and continuing to drink in the local bar, you want more out of life. And then all, don't go forgetting about us. Oh, what do you think you're smart now? Like all of them, they don't want to see her get her shit together. You know, misery loves fucking company. You know, they would stay here and be out of shape. Good for her. Fucking assholes. What kind of an asshole when somebody makes a positive move in their life, tries to make it negative? Well, me, I'm a comedian. I do that all the time. But besides people like me, anyways, these people who always say you should be comfortable in your own body, no matter what you look like, completely ignore basic information like clogged arteries

and such. Absolutely. Maybe Melissa McCarthy doesn't want to die of a heart attack because she wants to meet her grandchildren's one day. I lost 30 pounds since listening to you. Fat shame, everyone. I honestly didn't know I was getting fat. I was never fat ever, but then three years in an office job in college, I'm 24. I put on the gross 30 I recently lost. Yeah, dude at 24, man, you were headed towards being, you were going to die. If you were 30 pounds overweight at 24, that is not a good thing. So congratulations. Anyways, he said, I feel a thousand times better. I never looked fat because I'm a tall guy and I carry it well. So I never heard anything from anyone. I did it on my own for myself. These fat defenders are ignorantly judging and assuming thoughts on this. Also,

when the fuck do we get to see your gym video? I want to see your pasty legs dangling from a pull-up bar like meat hanging in a locker. Ah, you fucking cunts. No, this is the thing about this business. The only pressure that is as far as I'm concerned, the only pressure in this business is what you as an individual choose to accept. All right. And everybody does it to a certain point when you first get into entertainment because you don't know what the fuck you're doing. You come into this business with your hat in hand. You're like, I'll sweep the floors. I'll do whatever you want. Just give me stage time. I'll drive to another state to do five minutes for no money for $5 gas money. We all do that shit. But at some point, you then have to put a value

on what the fuck it is you're doing, right? And then you start getting paid. Then what happens is you're like going, fuck, you know, you get in this business. It takes a while to get going and everybody starts creeping into 30. So you start freaking out going, oh, what is the industry casting? What are they looking at? What is the blah, blah, blah and all that type of shit? Okay. Now, a lot of people do not ever get past that because they don't put a value on their talent. And I'm not even talking monetarily. This is just my own belief system. You have to believe that you have something to say that, you know, you can't be married to the results. You just got to do that Zen thing. Like I'm talking about this shit. I'm doing this. And like, take me, all right. I

came into the business, all right, a fucking redheaded cut male, you know. So from day one, there's not going to be a lot of roles for me. There's not a lot of redheaded male leads and shit. You know, I'm the friend, right? That's the deal. That's how it works. The redheaded male is not the fucking cool guy. So to make matters worse, I started losing my fucking hair and I was like, ah, fuck now what? Do I go out and get plugs and all that shit? And just one day, right? You know, Neil was just, just buzz your fucking head down. And I was just like, and I just came to this epiphany of just like, yeah, Bill, why are you walking around like you losing your fucking hair is a big deal. Does that mean you're not funny anymore? Does that mean, you know, were you

going to be the next Brad Pitt if you kept your fucking hair, right? And then I just said, yeah, fuck it. So then I did it. And this, and I, ever since I had the philosophy of basically, this is what I look like. And this is what I do. If you want to book me, thank you. If you don't, I understand. The second I went into that mindset, I never fucking stressed again. So I really think that all that whole, you know, the pressures of fucking Hollywood is, I understand that when you're young, but as you're getting older, you have to fucking, it really has nothing to do with Hollywood. I also, I think it has more to do with, you know, why you got into this business, you know, the self-loathing, you know, and not liking yourself, I think. And I have to tell you,

this past weekend, I watched Ali Wong special and it was so fucking great. And I was sitting there with my wife and I was saying like what I loved, she went out there and it just was, she was fucking original. All of her stuff was just, it was just fucking, it was just a great set. It was worthy, like this, it really was a stand-up special. And, you know, she went out there, you know, and everybody's making a big fucking deal that, like, because she was pregnant that she did it. Oh, my God, all these fucking questions. And I understand why they did that because no one's ever done that. But there should be more questions about how great the material was. But I was saying to my wife when I was watching, like, you see this, she had a special to do and she didn't give a

fuck that she was pregnant and she just walked out and then she owned it. And now what she's done is she's established herself that now she can just basically do whatever the fuck she wants. She wants to have another kid, she can literally go on tour while pregnant because she's established that. This is who I am, this is what I'm doing. I'm married, I'm starting a fucking family, and I'm writing killer jokes. This is what I'm doing. Now, all these fucking feminists who sit there going, oh, my God, Hollywood won't let you be pregnant. I would argue you're giving them way too much fucking power, way too much power. Just go out. If every fucking woman out here just started getting pregnant because they wanted to and continued to go on auditions, the whole fucking

business would adjust. You make it adjust to you rather than the other fucking way around. And if you haven't seen her special, a lot of the hype on it is the fact that she did it seven months pregnant. But I'm telling you, just as someone who's still, as long as I've been doing this, a huge fan of stand-up comedy, the jokes are fucking killer. The subject matter, all of it. It was just like, God knows, there's a zillion fucking specials out there, but every once in a while, someone comes out with that. That was one of the best ones I've seen in a while. I guess I would tie all of that back into that. I would say that she's losing weight. Yeah, she's married, she's got kids, and who the fuck doesn't want to lose weight? I'm trying to lose

weight. No one wants to walk around being overweight. It's not fun. Your life is easier, and people who give her shit about that, I would just say, I feel bad for them because I know they don't want to be out of shape too. Being proud to be out of shape, that's like being proud to be like a fucking alcoholic. You know, you got issues. Your fucking heart isn't fucking excited that you're overweight. That's right. Every pound of fat is five miles of capillaries. You get 20 pounds overweight. Your heart's got to fucking go an extra 100 miles every fucking beat. You know, stupid. It's not a good thing to be doing, so congratulations to her. I'm struggling right now to lose fucking weight. Oh, I'll tell you, it's not easy.

Oh, Billy Boo's bag. All right, Christian Girls Sexual Boundaries. Hey, Billy Bo Berman. I lift into all your specials multiple times and really love the advice segments you do on your podcast. I'm back home for the summer from my first year of college, and I'm hooking up with this six to 10 Christian, what? Oh, six out of 10 Christian girl, the last couple of months of school. I barely even just retained any of that because I was hoping everything that I said came off as positive in that last thing. Anyway, let me reread this. I've listened to all you said, back for the summer. Okay, I'm hooking up with this girl, this six out of 10 Christian girl, the last couple of months of school. The encounters basically consisted of me aggressively

finger, geez, easy, easy, finger blasting her to quench her sexual deviancy. Oh, I love how you're just fucking innocent and all this and her giving my, oh, okay, okay. Oh, this is a woman writing this and her, her giving my carpet a midnight snack. What? Oh, no, this is a guy. Why are you saying your carpet? Giving my carpet a midnight snack while jerking me off. You lost me in that one. What is your carpet? Your pubes? What is this snack? Because you're coming yourself? I don't even know what's going on here. Anyway, she's a devout Christian, so she won't get involved with oral sex or anything further. The thing is her idea of boundaries are pretty amorphous. I don't know what that means. Now you fucking asshole. Now I got to look, you know, I actually

keep doing this. Maybe I'll get smart one day. Amorphous. Amorphous without a clear defined shape or form. How did I never hear that? My whole fucking life. There's so many fucking words in English language. And then they always say that, but we use like 19 of them. Four of them are curse words. All right, she's begged me to pleasure her with the hilt of my screwdriver. Dude, are you from another century? What the fuck is a hilt? Is that the handle? Don't know why I even had one at college. And jerk me off under her face when we took a late night sleepover shower together. Yeah, but that's not really a facial. When the water's right there, you know what I mean? That's like, you know, you're going to walk on some hot rocks and you just

fucking do a running leap and touch one for half a second. You keep going, right? She's also into being, it's like picking up dog shit with the little fucking plastic bag around your hand, you know, you're still touching dog shit, but you feel the warmth of it. But, you know, there's a boundary there. She's also into being choked and tied up dirt Jesus fucking Christ up during dry humping. Apparently that stuff's still Christian enough for her. I've had sex a few times before this. Why are you judging this girl so harshly? All right, this is this religion thing. This is where she's at. Just fucking relax. Seems like you're having a hell of a time. Because I had sex a few times before this girl and know that even protected

fucking is infinitely more pleasurable than outsourced masturbation. My question to you is, do you think she'll ever realize how ridiculous it is to take a load on her face but not accept kind of Lingus? Will she ever want premarital sex? I know I should go to a gym, lose this girl, get some sleep and take advantage of the pussy coliseum that is my university campus, but I'm lazy and want to fuck the low hanging fruit. What can I do to convince her that college sex is natural, wholesome? It would make her feel incredible. Thanks so much and go fuck yourself. I would say you should let this girl go because you don't have any feelings for her. You're using her as a fucking blow up doll. You just say, you know, I know I should go meet some other people,

but this girl's an easy fucking sex hookup. I don't know. I mean, meantime, is she getting feelings for you? Because if you're just sitting there hanging around waiting to be able to fuck her so that you can then leave, you're already saying she's a six out of 10. That doesn't sound like you have feelings for her. So I'd let her go. I'd let her go and I'd find some girl and just let them know you're young. So I'm not judging you here. What you got to do early on, and this is what nobody ever tells young men, it's just out of the gate. Tell women what the deal is. All right? Because believe it or not, they can have fun. They don't flip out when you just say, yeah, there's no way I'm going to marry you. You know, if you say it right from the beginning,

the second you meet them, right? If you're not feeling anything, but you're just attracted to them, just tell them that and just fucking let them, you know, work that out. And maybe they're in the same place you are and they just want to fuck and they don't want to have a relationship. But if you get into that type of a situation, you got to make sure that you got to have like, you know, you fuck and then you don't call each other or talk or do anything else. You do not hang out and there's got to be at least 10 days between the fucking hookups or somebody starts feeling something and then it's a fucking mess or they get jealous because you're with somebody else or whatever. You know what I mean? And this is what you fucking say from day one.

You tell them that. All right, just steal. We're going to hook up anything you ever wanted to fucking do. You can do with me. You're not going to get judged. You don't have to worry about getting judged because it is what it is. Right? And then that's it. We don't call each other. This is what we just fucking use each other for this. Anytime you're feeling horny, if you're not in a fucking relationship, I don't give a shit if you date other people, believe it or not, if you come out of the gate with that shit, you would be surprised how many women are also looking for that. It's a fuck, buddy. It's the greatest thing ever. Greatest fucking thing ever. It's like having fucking, I don't know, free tickets to Disneyland. You get to ride all the fucking rides.

You know, you got VIP parking. It's like ordering a pizza. It's tremendous. And you know what? Women also order pizza if you know what I mean. So have fun with that, but let this girl go, man. All right. First time flying at 30 years of age. Hey there, Billy, the ginger bats. Just want to say I've been a huge fan for over 10 years and have loved every special you had. Well, thank you very much. I'm 30. I've never been on a plane and heights kind of freaked me out. To top it off, my flight is on 9 11 and makes two stops in between here, Connecticut and Chicago. I'm going there for my job and I'd really hate to miss out on the opportunity. Basically, I'm just looking for advice on how to not freak out and look like

a fucking idiot on the plane. Seeing as how you've had so much experience flying, I figured you'd be a good person to talk to. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yeah, it's no big deal. It's completely safe and you know, you're going to be fine. This is the deal. You're going to go up there, right? This is what you do. Get on the plane and then just say to the person next to you, yeah, believe it or not, this is the first time I've ever flown. Hopefully you're not next to a douche. If they seem open, just tell them that. All right, but dude, believe me, you're not going to, if you ever just stomped on the gas when you've been driving a car and you just get back in your seat, it's just sort of like that. And then you're fucking up in the air and it's

the coolest thing ever. It's fucking great. And you're going to go from fucking Connecticut to Chicago in like fucking two seconds. You know, you got two stops there. Okay. Well, that's cool. It'll be fun. Yeah. Then you'll be a veteran by the end of it. And yeah, welcome to the fucking 21st century. You're going to be fine. What I would say is, you know, just make sure you eat well before you go to the airport, you know, maybe bring some food to go onto the plane, you know, because the food on the plane sucks. It's fucking overpriced and that type of thing. And you know, that's the only thing I would say other than that, you have nothing to worry about. It's going to be great. Get a fucking window seat too. If you can. That's the best,

you know, first time you fly, you get to look down. It's actually pretty incredible to be doing that at 30 years of age, because you can actually take it in, you know, I first time I flew, I was so young that I don't ever have that like, Oh, this is what it looks like from the fucking year. You'll be fine. All right, William, I've been dating my girl. This is the last one. And then I got, I got to get off my day here of doing absolutely nothing. William, I've been dating my girl for a few years now and everything started out great. However, over the course of the past few months, I've noticed a sudden change in her behavior and was wondering if he dealt with anything like this before. Yeah, she's either using drugs or fucking someone else. Or she's depressed.

I'm fucking with you. Let me read the rest of this. Basically, when we hang out lately, she just won't stop asking questions. She may ask, what are you listening to? I might say the Bill Burr podcast, then she will ask, why? I don't know, because I enjoy it. He says, then she will follow it up with, why don't you listen to the radio or another podcast and down the rabbit hole it goes. Oh, I don't like this person already. The thing is, these questions are nonstop and so subjective. It got to the point where I straight up asked her if she was trolling me and she denied it. Everything else in relationship is going well. So I'm not sure what to do. I've talked to her and told her she asked too many questions. She then turns around on me and says,

I never want to talk to her. Oh, she turns it around on me and says that I never want to talk to her anymore. That's not talking. It's just asking a bunch of fucking questions. So what should I do? Break up with her, just answer the questions. What would you do, Bill? Why is your name Bill anyways? Why not Dave, huh? Why isn't it Dave, Bill? Why aren't you answering me, Bill? Don't want to talk anymore? Why is the podcast an hour anyways? Why not an hour 10 or 50 minutes, huh, Bill? Yeah. All right, dude. I just walked in your shoes there. Yeah. Hey, I would break up with her. I'd break up with her. Maybe, but if you really like her, I'd give her one last chance and just be like, just tell it. You're driving me fucking insane. Yeah, you're driving me fucking insane.

I like everything about you, but that, and if my life with you is going to be that, I'm going to leave. Okay? But I've got to be honest with you, dude. I don't know how people change. Changing yourself, who the fuck you are is really difficult. So hopefully it'll work out with you. So that's what I would do. I would just say, listen, I like everything but that. Everything about you is great except for that, but that is so fucking horrific. This is going to walk out that fucking door. If you don't cut it out, that's it. That's it. If I could redo my whole dating life, it would have been fucking communicating instead of just being like, and then going out and getting shit faced. What was wrong with you yesterday? Nothing.

I'm sorry. And then you don't fucking work it out. Hey, work it out. Okay. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check it on you on Thursday. Thank you to everybody who's been listening to the podcast. And obviously I'm beyond excited to do this tour starting, oh my God, the 31st. No, it starts the 30th, doesn't it? The fuck out of here. Oh, my show isn't until the 31st. Well, what do you know? I'll have an extra day there in Ireland. All right. Here it is. In case you're listening, Dublin, Ireland, Belfast, then Galway, then Bristol, UK, Manchester, UK. I probably should say the dates. July 31st, I'm in Dublin. August 1st, I'm in Belfast. August 2nd, Galway. Then I go over to England. I'm in Bristol.

On the 3rd and on the 4th, I'm in Manchester. You know what's in between Bristol and Manchester? John Bonham's gravesite. If I have time, I'm going to pay my respects. I'm not going to do a fucking selfie like a douche. I'm just going to pay my respects if I have the time. August 5th and 6th, I'm in London, England. August 7th, I'm in Amsterdam. August 8th, I'm in Edinburgh for two shoes. August 9th, I'm in Edinburgh for two more shows. The fuck doing all right there. August 11th, no, wait a minute. Yeah, I did say Amsterdam, right? On August 7th. August 11th, I'm in Cologne, Germany. And then August 12th, I'm in Antwerp, Belgium. And then August 27th, I'm in Reno, Nevada, back in the USA. All right, everybody, thank you for listening. And thank

you to everybody overseas who's been buying tickets. I can't wait to come over there and make you laugh. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday.