Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-27-15

Episode Date: July 27, 2015

Bill rambles about Adolf Easel, doing heroin and the Randy Johnson trade.

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How are ya? Joe, July's almost over. Where's the fucking summer going, kid? Joe, you know what I want to get? I want to get some of that fucking out. Who's that politician on the beer there? Sam Adams, summer ale kid, right? I drink the summer ale in the summer, right?

In the fall, I drink the one with the fucking cherries in it. And then the rest of the time, I just drink their regular lager. What's up, everybody? So, oh, Billy Redkicks. Oh, Red Velvet here. He's been trying to lose weight. Ba na ba, let's go freckles. You fucking douche, go get a tan.

No one wants to see your fucking pasty legs at the beach. So, last week, I was supposed to be 180 pounds, but I was not in the vicinity of a scale. And by the way, somebody gave me shit. Like, dude, what kind of fucking respectable hotel doesn't have a scale? Doesn't have a scale? Like, that comes standards where you stay? Where are you staying at, huh? You staying at the old Illuminati Inn?

Huh, does some broad come in wearing some fucking weird mask? All fucking naked. One of those fucking perfectly shaped broads, like you see in the movie by the guy who did the eyes wide shut. He's one of the Stanley Kubrick. Stanley Kubrick has some of the hottest broads ever in the history of film in his movies. Ever, ever. You know, it's just a shame horrible shit happens to him.

But, you know, in the midst of the horror, you're like, goddamn, that's a beautiful woman. And I think that really speaks to the beauty of a woman that something horrible could be happening when you're like, wow, she looks like a fucking statue with a muff. All right. They never have the muffs in statues. If you notice that, it's a little difficult with the concrete. What are you going to do? Huh?

Have somebody with long fingernails kind of come up while the concrete's still wet and you just kind of do one of those right in the old crotch area. How does that go, Bill? That goes. That's how you do it. That's how you make it. You know, I took a sculpture class just like old Adolf Hitler did, didn't he? Or you take a painting class.

I don't know what he did. That just always makes me kind of smile, thinking there was a point in his life where he was just thinking he was going to be an artist, you know, sitting there with an easel. You know what I mean? Painting some ducks, you know, by a pond. And who knows? Maybe somebody Jewish walked by and sneezed and scared the ducks. And it just, he just fucking snapped and just sent him, just sent him down a whole other road.

You know? Does anybody explore that theory? Um, that was offensive to ducks and Jewish people. Oh, this blog is going to be easy. Um, so anyways, I'm sitting here in my office, um, fucking hot as hell. I got to close the windows on the counter. I swear a lot, you know what I mean? And I wouldn't want to offend the people next door.

God knows I could reach out and touch their fucking house. Reach out, reach out and touch my house. So fucking stupid. This is such a fucking stupid city. I live in a city yet I live in a house in a city. You know, and I have a yard, but I don't. You know what I mean? Got to have the drapes closed.

People just walking by looking at you and shit. Um, so anyways, I'm back here. So anyways, I was supposed to get down to 180 fucking pounds. I couldn't weigh myself last week. I was at the Jess for last festival. The booze was flowing. All right. And I stayed away.

What's that fucking grunge? So I stay away. What was it? Alison change up a jar of flies, I believe. Well, that takes me back in the day. Hey, let's, let's go down this ADD fucking stream before I get to my official weigh in. I used to listen to that fucking,

that fucking cassette tape when I would be driving in my 83 Ford Ranger with the rebuilt Ford cylinder that the broad I worked with told me that was a dumb move. She was all excited that I was going to buy a new car. And my brother told me, don't do that. Then you change your day job. You don't want to fucking do that. So I didn't. I rebuilt it.

I didn't rebuild it. Had somebody else put a brand new one. That's what happened. The other one fucking burned up. So I fucking had a brand new one put in. Cost me 1500 bucks at the time. This is the early nineties. I still remember that woman when I went to work.

She's like, where's the new car? I said, oh, you know what? I decided to put a new engine in my truck instead. She just like made this what the fuck look and just wrinkled her nose and went, that was stupid. Was it, was it stupid? Maybe I don't want to stay anywhere in this smock for the rest of my life. All right. With your fucking whatever you got there.

Who's at the Nissan Power Ranger? What did they make in the early 80s? That everybody loved the Maxima. You get it? You're taking it to the max, to your mom. Maxima, Maxima, I can't afford the payments. Can you take over? I got fired for smoking weed on the, all right.

I did a little blow. Okay. I stayed out all fuck. Oh, you know what? I will move out. That's what you hear in Boston when the windows ain't closed. So anyways, what was I saying? So I used to fucking drive that thing and, oh man, those are the fucking days.

And I would do fucking Dick Doherty's room up and drink it. I do the high five. This restaurant on top of the only skyscraper in fucking Manchester, New Hampshire, or the other fucking, the other town there. What's the other town? There's two towns in fucking New Hampshire. The rest of it is fucking beautiful woods, strabs. And probably a lot of people doing heroin.

Heroin's back in a big way. Hey, tell you this kid has been on stage in a while. Let's bring him up. It's the other one. Nashua. See them, I think it was in Manchester. I used to do the high five. I used to do Bob Marley's fucking room on Old Orchard Beach.

And I used to fucking listen to that cassette tape over. And over and over again, the whole way down. In fact, I remember coming back down down 128, heading back down to my house. I had to work the next fucking day, driving like 80 miles an hour. And all of a sudden, I got a fucking flat tire and pulling over on the side of the fucking road, one of the scariest things you can do on the highway pulled over. And all they had was that, you know, that little fucking, you know, that awful pork excuse for a fucking tire iron, you know, it's just like the little

one, you could fit it right up your sleeve, little L shaped fucking thing. And I knew I didn't have enough leverage because I'd been there before. So I always had a section of pipe behind my seat. And dude, I changed that thing like I don't think a pit crew, well, actually a pit crew could do it, but for one person, I changed that fucking tire. So goddamn fast on the side of the road. I had my spare in the back of the truck, you know, that section of pipe fucking four lugs. I used to have that down.

I had so many fucking flats over the years. And that thing was such a piece of shit that truck that I knew the whole fucking routine, you know, take out your spare tire, stick it under the car, you know, a little bit in case it comes slamming fucking down and hits the tire and not your foot. Right. Loosen all the fucking lugs with your section of pipe on your little fucking L shaped thing before you raise the fucking truck. Then you jack it up.

All right. You take the fucker off. You stick, you know, I used to put the lugs right in a row. There was no cell phones. I didn't have a flashlight. I had fucking nothing. I'd line them right up in the back of the truck. I used to pray to God that it happened on the right side.

Like that was a good night. And you stick the fucker back on. You start all four of them. You set the thing back down. And you were bashed were bashed were bashed were bashed. And then you're back in the fucking truck, feeling like a man. Anyways, so what was I talking about? I was talking about how I how much weight I lost.

So so I was supposed to be at 180 last week did not have a scale because evidently I stay in shitty hotels. And this week I was supposed to be 177. All right. And I fucking worked out the whole time. I was up in Montreal. I ran the stairs Royal Park, whatever the fuck they call it. I ran those almost every day or as long as I could. I took one day off and but that day I played hockey and absolutely fucking embarrassed myself.

Oh my god, I hadn't played hockey in like four months and I already sucked. And I went out there and just for laughs, knew this guy who used to play for the fucking Canadians. And he looks like a fucking movie star. Come on, Habs fans, you know who he is, huh? First number four, second number four, later traded to the devils. He's got this fucking sick ass like little mini rink. So anyways, we step on Rache. So we fucking show up and I'm going, oh my god, this fucking step on Rache.

He used to kill us. And so we played and like the other team was just a bunch of ringers and they came out there and like my first shift. I think I was on the ice for like fucking three seconds and they scored, you know, and I'm coming back. And immediately everybody knows they already knew I sucked. But now like they now it's like they have like they know how much I suck, right? And they stood the other team scored like fucking three goals within, I don't know, maybe a minute. And then all of a sudden we got like two and then blah, blah, blah. Then they were up like eight to five and then done and then people, you know, this is basic.

What happened? They realized that they were way better and they were nice enough to let us win by one. That's what happened. I think we won like 13 to 12. It was a good time. I had zero shots on that. Never fell down though. I never went down right.

They never knocked me down. But I was, I was, I was awful. Man, I should have skated at least once before I went up there. And but whatever, I burned some calories. But thank you to everybody there at the rink that let us play out there. I had a great, despite the fact that I was fucking horrific, I had a great time. And I don't know, hockey players are just fucking funny guys to hang out with anyway. So everybody was busting balls and that type of shit.

And you know, guys coming in the face off, I'm going up against all freckles. You know, giving me shit. And then they go right around me. And you know what? There was nothing I could do about it. So thanks to everybody hooking it up. And thank you to the other team for letting us win by one or two, whatever you did. It's very nice of you.

Very hospitable. So anyways, so now I come back. And I stepped on the scale this morning. It's Sunday. I was supposed to be 180 last week and 177 this week. And I got on the scale. And my weight was 180 pounds even. So so I'm three pounds behind what the fuck I wanted to do.

However, I was 80 186.6 when I started this fucking thing. So what does a quitter do? Huh? What does a quitter do besides take off her horseshoes and walk barefoot back to the fucking hotel room across the casino floor with dirty ass fucking feet? What else does a quitter do? A quitter goes like, well, I was supposed to be 177 and I'm 180. Forget it.

Fuck that. Last week was a wash for me. All right. I'll consider that a bye week because I was on the road. So next week I got to get down to 177. Who gives a fuck? As long as I reach my goal. I getting down to 162 pounds the last time I had abs.

All right. This is my last big push. I'm turning 50 in three fucking years. Here's my last hope. Nobody has abs in their fifties unless you did heroin in your twenties. And that's a fact and you can fucking look it up. Look at Keith Richards. Look at the fucking shape that guy said.

Despite his horrific habits. Tremendous shape. You know, all those fucking guys. Anybody who did the fucking smack. The key is it's not to OD and die. You get clean and I don't know what it is, man. The rest of your fucking life. It's like you just have an orange and like you're full for fucking 10 hours.

I have no idea how they do it. I don't want to start out in people that did heroin. Let's just say if you do hard drugs in general. You know, look at what's his face there from that ban. You know, that had the puppets on the cover. You know, I'm talking about. I am skinny. He's fucking skinny as shit.

He's pushing 60. I'm not advocating doing heroin. I'm just talking about having abs in your fifties. I'm doing it. Oh, natural. So no heroin. So anyways, I feel though, I do feel by tomorrow, Monday, which you're listening to now, not to fuck you up.

I will be 179. So I'm only like two pounds behind. So what I keep doing is I keep switching up the fucking workout and Bert fucking Christia was nice enough to send me something about grip strength. But one of those men's magazines that I can never commit to having a subscription to because it's just the same thing over. Like all those men's health magazines, you know, they're just like Cosmo. If you really look at the covers, it's the same shit every every fucking episode or

whatever you call every issue. Cosmo is always some fucking hot fucking airbrush broad, right? There's something else, you know, so and so's most in depth fucking interview ever. She's finally found happiness, right, or whatever. And then there's always, you know, either how to get your man, how do you know if your man's fucking around, how to really please your man, how to get your man to please you. One of those fucking articles and then on the men's one, right? They always got some guy who's kind of famous, right?

Who shredded airbrushed and all of that shit. And it's always how to get abs and fucking 20 days. The Cirque du Soleil diet or some fuck some fucking diet and then Oh, some new, new, new fucking arm workout that's going to explode your biceps or some shit. It's all the same fucking crap. You know what you got to do. All right, you fucking eat well the beginning of the day. You have your fruits before fucking 12 and then after that you go veggie.

You have your fucking meat that decides the palm of your hand. If you've even remotely near that and you're working out, if you're doing half hour of fucking cardio and you lay off the booze, the ice cream, the chips, the cookies and all that shit, where is it going to get a fat's got nowhere to hide? You turn the lights on, the roaches all fucking start scurrying. That's the first time I ever used scurrying and fucking eight years of doing a podcast. You know what you got to do. You don't need those fucking magazines, but every once in a while you get bored with your

workout, you want something new. So Burke Christchers sent me this thing. I'm going to go back on my Twitter history and try and find it. But he sent me this killer fucking grip strength workout. And the first thing is you just try to hang from a chin up bar in the pull up position for fucking a minute, three sets of one minute. And the key to that is just hang there. What I was doing was I was kind of in like a fucking the first third of a pull up.

So I was burning out. But if you just hang there, it's not that fucking hard. So now I've moved to the next one, which is you do it again for a minute, but you're hanging there, holding the bar with one hand. And the other one, you drape some sort of cloth, you know, whatever. If you're in your garage, like me, the fucking rag you used to fucking check your oil, which is probably stupid because there's oil on it, whatever, that helps with the grip strength. And that one you hold, you just drape it over just some sort of face cloth.

You drape that over and you hang onto that with one hand. The other hand's on the bar. You try to do it for a minute and then you switch hands. And I've been able to do it for a minute on one side. And then the other side, I did it for about 45 seconds. That's where I'm at on that thing. And then of course you're like, well, let me put two up there and see if I can just hang by two fucking rags and I almost broke both my kneecaps.

That's hard as shit for me. Anyways, you know, so that's where the fuck I'm at. So I'm going to get down to 177 next week by hook or by crook. And I'm hanging in there with the booze. 21 days, no booze. I'm getting to the point of, eh, you know, it gives a fuck. I was kidding. No, I can't wait for September 15th.

No, September 16th is when I can booze. That's when I can booze again. But I got to tell you, the hardest place for me to not booze actually is my house. You know why? Because I got the good shit. You know, you go out to a fucking bar. What am I going to do out there? I'm married, so I don't give a shit about the women out there, you know?

And then I got to spend 10 times what I'm going to pay at home. And I'm going to drink fucking cheap booze. Right? Why the fuck would I do that? In fact, all you youngsters out there, I know, because you're single, you want to get laid or whatever. But if you really want to go out for a fucking night of drinking, you want some good, it's just like eating at home.

It's way cheaper. Pull your fucking money together. All these, how many it takes. Don't get yourself just a fucking bottle of Johnny Walker blue. Just get that. You know what I mean? Don't put any ice on it. You cunts.

Sip it like a fucking gentleman. I'm telling you, I don't know that, you know, you can't appreciate that in your 20s. If you appreciate that in your 20s, you're a fucking raging alcoholic. If your palate is that sophisticated, either that or your dad's a banker or some shit. You know, instead of you finishing his morning coffee with some sort of booze, so he could numb the fucking lies he was going to tell all day. Oh, Jesus, Bill, could you get more dramatic?

I'm sorry. What do you want from me? How many times I got to tell you guys, I got an hour to fucking fill here. Hour to fucking fill over there. All right, let's get to some of the reads for this week. Hey, everybody, you're going to get to listen to me read out loud. By the way, no, no, no hard feelings with DraftKings, by the way, you know, they explain their position to me.

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A lot of shit happened in the news. The latest person to get in trouble, and to be branded a racist. Hulkamania. Hulk Hogan. It's run and wild. The Hulkster. Having a conversation.

Dropping the N-word. Dropping the fucking N-word. So then his daughter comes to his defense, says he's not a racist. You know, I don't know who the fuck. What are you gonna do? I mean, you're dropping the N-word. That's a rough one.

I'll tell you, that's a rough one, you know? Then he's got friends who are African-American, yet he's fucking dropping the N-word. You know what I think it really is? I think there's a bunch of different levels to being racist. You know what I mean? It's like me.

I play drums, but it's just a fucking hobby. But John Bonham was a fucking drummer. You know what I mean? So like the John Bonhams of racism are like in the Klan. They're in like those white supremacist groups, you know? They were in the fucking, with the Nazis. You know what I mean? They are professional fucking racists.

This is what they do. This is how they earn a living, you know? Can you earn a living in the Klan? Isn't it kind of like a volunteer fire department, but you're just fucking, you're racist and you start fires? What is? It's like a drum circle, except you just say hateful shit. What exactly is the Klan?

Why would you join the Klan? And then you got other people who are more like, you know, it's like they're not a professional racist, but if they wanted to be, they wanted to be. They could be the grand dragon in the Klan. They just don't apply themselves. So instead they work at like Home Depot or some shit, right? They think just as much fucked up shit.

And then you got the person who occasionally, you know, like me, goes around and plays drums every once in a while. These guys do the same thing, except they drop the N word every once in a while. I think Hogan's like right around there. You know what I mean? It's like when his daughter's saying he's not a racist, she means like he's not in the Klan.

He doesn't have a swastika tattoo. You know what I mean? But he's still playing drums there. You know what I'm saying? Why am I relating drums to fucking being a racist? I don't fucking know. Who knows? He was also, I looked up his age, he's 61 years old.

He was born August 11th, 1953. So that means if his parents had him at like what? Like 25, they were born in 1928. So Jesus Christ. I mean, what the fuck were his parents feeling his head up with, right? His parents lived through the depression. They was already preaching that there wasn't enough. And that black people now that they were free

were going to take everything from the white man. That paranoia was probably already there. Then they went into the fucking depression. So maybe his parents were extra fucking racist. So he had to crawl out of that hole. And him crawling out of that hole was having black friends. But he's like one of those, he has black friends, but he's like, I don't want my daughter to date one.

So he's like, you know, I'd say he's like an intermediate racist. I don't know what to tell you. I don't want to tell you, brother. What are you going to do? Who's getting new? You know, you fucking, you put a tape recorder on and people still don't know the song. Who knows what the fuck?

And we would all have to apologize for something. If somebody left a fucking tape recorder on all goddamn day long and you didn't know it was on, Nixon lost the White House doing that shit. You wouldn't be in trouble. Jesus Christ, the fucking shit that I say over the course of a day about fucking broads and all this time that something, something would come out.

You know, if they read all the texts that you do, joking around with your friends, but you know it's a fucking joke, you know what I mean? I'm not saying you dropped the N word, but come on, somebody would get you. Somebody get you for something homophobic, right? Something? I don't fucking know.

But what I think it's going to be a good thing. I think the guy hopefully will learn something from it and he won't do shit like that anymore. Hopefully you'll know that it's wrong. But I really think in moments like that, you got to let somebody be a fucking human being. You got to take into consideration when they were born, what was fed into their fucking heads,

and give them an opportunity to redeem themselves. Because if you just fucking cancel all his fucking matches and all that shit, what is that going to do? Except drive them more towards anger. That's what I say. Because the other shit's not working. Firing people, you know what I mean? That fucking chef there that had the slave themed fucking wedding.

Do you think she's not thinking, you know, I'm sure she's a little bit better, but did that really help? I don't fucking know. What am I talking about? Who knows? So let's get back to the podcast. So I, oh, this is what I wanted to talk about. Here we go.

Here we go. So Tom Brady slaying all the ladies. He's, you know, he appealed the four game suspension. And somebody who was speaking for all the owners said that they were all hoping that they would, all the other owners, I should say, were hoping that the NFL would uphold this suspension because what he did was so fucking horrific or allegedly did,

you know, they can't fucking prove it or whatever. That's the thing. They can't fucking prove he did anything. Yet there's a four game fucking suspension that these cunts want to be upheld that they want to have upheld. And the number one and two people fucking that are on their side, believe it or not, are the Indianapolis Colts and the fucking Baltimore Ravens.

And this is such a fucking layup for a joke. The Ravens fucking quote, let me find it here, was that the Patriots have been getting away with murder for years. Why? If you're connected with the Baltimore Ravens, would you ever use the expression getting away with murder? These fucking teams, you know, they're all sitting in glass houses

and I love that they fucking trash the Patriots for whatever the fuck it is they think that we're doing. You know, like they're these holier than thou people. You want to talk about getting away with murder? Hey, how about this? At least when one of our players is involved in a murder, the fucker goes to jail. You know, at least we got that on you.

The fucking Ravens. Jesus Christ, in your last fucking decade, you had a guy fucking fucking drop his fiancee in an elevator and drag her out. And you guys were fine with the four game suspension because all you give a fuck about is the performance. And then you had your other guy there, right? Obstruction of justice in a double fucking homicide. Not only do you look the other fucking way,

you let him play in the Super Bowl. He invites his two buddies there who are up on the fucking double homicide. Charges are sitting there in the game and you didn't give a fuck. And you're going to talk about air in a ball. Shame on you. Shame on you. Baltimore Ravens. And I don't have to get involved with the Indianapolis Colts.

Every game that Andrew Lux starts is cheating for the Indianapolis Colts considering how they got him and they tanked an entire fucking season. And if you don't think that they did that, then you still believe in Santa Claus. All right? I'm not even saying my team is fucking innocent. Not by any stretch of the fucking means. I don't give a fuck if you say my team cheats,

but it's when you get on your high horse and you say that your team doesn't cheat too. That's when I say, hey, you know what? I think I'm going to walk away from this and I'm going to go have myself a water with a lemon because I'm on the wagon. Yeah. What are the fucking Ravens in the Colts? Just own up to the fact that you're just jealous of how long the Patriots have been good

and how many fucking Super Bowls we've been to and how many games we fucking won. All right? You cunts. You got yourself two Super Bowls. The Ravens. What's your fucking problem? Indianapolis.

I know what that guy's fucking problem is. It's his goddamn personal life. Oh, jeez. Oh, that was a low blow. I did not want to say that. I didn't want to say that, but I'm just sick of this guy trying to fucking, you know. Of course, these cunts don't want Brady to come back.

They want the Patriots to be 0-1-4, so they got a fucking chance at winning. A better fucking chance. Right now, do you think they're really outraged at the Patriots? They're not. This is just part of them, the same way like your fucking tank of season to get Andrew Luck, the same way you look the other way on obstruction of justice

or a fucking somebody beating the shit out of somebody in an elevator because you want those players on the fucking field. You don't want Brady on the field. So, of course, you're going to play the outrage card. Of course, you're going to do that when someone else almost beat their fucking girlfriend to death and almost got fucking four games. Not talking about the guy from Baltimore,

this latest fucking guy. All right? It's complete fucking horseshit. So anybody out there who's actually buying into this shit, you're just a Patriot hater, or you believe in Santa Claus. All right? And I'm never going to hear your argument

because I don't go to sports bars. I think people who actually really think that this is a big deal, the whole fucking deflate gate thing, are the kind of people that even in July, are sitting there wearing a pro level NFL jersey with somebody else's name on the back and you got wing sauce in your fucking beard stubble.

All right? And you ought to be ashamed of yourself. I think it's high time you fucking grow up. What do you think about that? I don't give a fuck. If Brady comes back in game six, we're still going to make the playoffs and we're still going to come back

and fucking hunt you cunts. All right? And we're going to break your hearts in your own fucking stadium. I don't care how loud you are. All right? Well, if you go there dressed like a bird, you know, or you got a sword in your tooth

or you're fucking eating a dog bone, they don't give a fuck. They're professionals. They're going to come in there. And metaphorically speaking, they're going to gut you. All right? So get ready for the heartache.

Another football season's coming. Oh, I'm talking a bunch of shit. I don't give a fuck. We just won our fourth. I'm a happy fan. Speaking of which, being up in Montreal always makes me think of the Expos. And I have to tell you that time,

I went to an Expos game by myself. I was doing a gig. I might have done it. It was either a college or I did the Lake Ontario Playhouse way back in the day. That's like one of the first headlining gigs I got outside of the New England area.

And Mike Kinney, I believe, was the guy who booked me up there. Had a great... I always loved doing that gig. But anyways, so I was up there up on Lake Ontario. And it was at that point, I was trying to go to all the ball parks.

So I saw that the Expos had a game the next day. So I said, fuck it. So I got in my rental car by myself and I'm crossing the Canadian border in a very obscure place. I'm not coming up 95. And I'm by myself. So the fucking security guard up there,

you know, security guard, you're going to another country. Find the security guard cause walking up, he's like, he's like, oh, where you going there? And I was sorry. And I was like, I'm going to an Expos game. He's like, oh yeah, you're going up there by yourself.

And I was like, yep. And he goes, okay, why don't you pull over there? So I pull over my rental car and I'm like, what the fuck? I never got pulled over before and I'm standing there. And him and this other guy proceed to rip my fucking rental car apart.

I'm like, what are they doing? And then it finally dawned on me how put that they thought that nobody was pathetic enough to drive an extra two and a half hours to go see an afternoon Expos game by themselves. Nobody was that sad of a human being.

And it just struck me as funny and I started fucking laughing. And they were looking over at me and I had this big smile on my face and I was laughing because I knew they thought this guy's got to be dealing drugs. There's no way he's actually going to an Expos game by himself.

And it pissed him off and they searched even harder. And then when they just realized I was just laughing at him, I think they took extra time almost trying to make me lose the game. I missed the game. So I ended up getting the car and I drove up there

and I sat out in the outfield at Olympic Stadium. And I remember they had one arm rest on the chairs out there. And for whatever fucking reason, bare bones. It's an Olympic fucking stadium. It's the one that I believe Bruce Jenner who's now Katie Katelyn, right? He fucking won the goddamn decathlon there.

And I sat out there and I watched somebody steal home plate and I jumped up in the fucking air freaking out that I saw somebody steal home plate. Then nobody in the stadium was reacting. So I sat back down thinking I didn't see what I just saw. And then I went home and I watched TSN

or whatever fuck I watched that night. That's their ESPN up there. And they go, I ass up. You don't see that often. And I realized that I had actually seen it and was fucked out of the moment because the people out in the outfield were too busy singing that soccer song.

That ole, ole, ole, ole bullshit. There's my Montreal story. So anyways, which always reminds me whenever I think of the Expos is that fucking team that could have been, which was the 1994 Montreal Expos, the one that Pedro Martinez always gets that look in his eye when he talks about going, oh man, we will load it. We will load it.

They were like the best team in baseball. And then the strike came, canceled the rest of the season and the World Series. And I always thought that Pedro Martinez was on that team with Randy Johnson. And I believe I've said that on the podcast and no one to my knowledge has ever corrected me. He wasn't.

Randy Johnson, Pedro Martinez was part of one of the worst trades of all fucking time. The Dodgers thought he was too brittle, too small to last. And they traded him to Montreal for a fucking Jack squat. So that trade is always brought up. But the Randy Johnson trade, the Expos trade to Seattle, whenever they do like the top 20 worst major league fucking trades of all time, it's never in there.

So here's one for you. Here's an obscure one because people always bring up, obviously the biggest one of all time is the Red Sox selling Babe Ruth. You know, we traded the guy for cash so this guy could fucking, could bankroll his wife's Broadway play. Unfucking believable. Unfucking believable, even unforgivable back then.

Because who knew what it was going to become, baseball and everything, but just fucking, that is the worst one of all time. But here's one that is, and this fascinates me, worst trades of all time that nobody brings, that nobody really brings up. If you guys like to tweet me some, I'll read some on Thursday. Or if you want to email me, I'll get the thing here.

What is it? The email is, what the fuck is it? Bill at themmpodcast.com. Bill at themmpodcast.com. So Expos traded Randy Johnson. He played for them in 1988 and looked promising. And then he started off 1989 really poorly. He started off 0-4 and his ERA was a little bit high.

And they just, I don't know, they must have thought he was a flash in the pan. So listen to this, when the Mariners traded, Mariners traded, oh let's just say, the Expos traded Randy Johnson to the Mariners for Mark Langston and Mike Campbell. All right. And Seattle got Randy Johnson and then Gene Harris,

Brian Holman, I believe that that was the trade. And virtually all these Seattle players were unhappy. Here's some of the quotes. Third baseman Jim Presley said, so this is actually, I guess exonerates the Expos, because if other pro baseball players were like, what the fuck did we do? I guess it's not that bad.

But third baseman Jim Presley said, this is a sad day for Mariners baseball. In four months now, we've lost two of the best pitchers in Mariners history, because they just trade Langston and Mike Moore who signed with Oakland and the other signed as a free agent. And he's going, yeah, this is a sad day. I don't know what went on, whether they made him an offer

or to him or whether he wanted out of here, but maybe they should have been thinking of how we're supposed to replace him. Second baseman Harold Reynolds. Harold Reynolds, who's one of my favorite baseball people. Of all time. He just knows so much. This is him as a young man said, this crushes me.

And the reality of it all won't hit me until we take the field tomorrow in Milwaukee and Mike Langston won't be there. In defense of him, that kind of seems like he was buddies with them. But catcher Dave Valley just said, oh no, oh no. Which brings me now to my own Boston Bruins. And we had made some very, to put it mildly,

aggressive fucking moves here in the off season. We obviously traded Milan Lucic to the Kings in exchange for the 13th overall pick and backup goaltender Martin Jones and defenseman prospect Colin Miller. Now I really hope in the future as I read these names. That these, somebody panned the fuck out. So here, okay, with the flurry of trades and draft picks,

Bruins GM Don Sweeney began a roster makeover. He really did. So here's what we ended up getting. We also traded, obviously, we got rid of Dougie Hamilton. So here's what we got with our picks. And I'm hoping someday in the future, in the fucking future, somebody's going to listen to this and say that this was a great move.

Because, you know, back in the day when we traded, what's his face? I always forget his fucking name. The hell's his goddamn name? The guy that we traded, he wouldn't go into the corners, but he scored all the goals. We traded him to Toronto. The only guy I've seen in the NHL,

he looks, he has like a pickup hockey face. He looks like he's a count during the week. You know what I mean? He's the only guy I've seen with a fat face. How are you fat playing hockey? That's one thing I tell you. There's no fat fucking hockey players. Not, none whatsoever.

But somehow this guy is fucking fat. Jesus Christ. Hang on a second. What the fuck is this goddamn name? Let me look this up here. Dougie Hamilton. Hamilton fucking trade. There we go.

There we go. Bruins hurt themselves. Bruins trade. Dougie Hamilton for draft picks to the fucking flames. Jesus Christ. What the? So anyways, what is the guy's name? I'm sorry, everybody right now is Phil Kessel.

All right. So back in the day, we traded Phil Kessel to the Toronto Maple Leafs in 2009 for a pair of first round draft picks that later, we later used to select Tyler Sagan and Dougie Hamilton. And it was expected, according to this article, that those two players would be cornerstones

of the organization, at least for the next decade. And by the way, we ended up winning the Stanley Cup with those two guys. So now we're doing it again. We're trading again. We're kind of like the mini Blackhawks. We don't win as many. We've only made big fucking moves,

but we've only won one. So I'm actually willing to give Sweeney the benefit of the doubt. Who's kidding? No, this is all I fucking got. What else am I going to do? So here's all the draft picks that we got. First round draft pick, number 13.

The Boston Bruins select defenseman. I can't even say the guy's name. Jacob Zaboral. 18 was third among rookie defensemen. Quebec, I don't give a fuck how big is he? 13 goals, 20 assists last season. Then we picked this kid, number 14. We had back to back picks.

We picked a fucking sniper. Jake Debrusk, 18, six feet tall, 174 pounds. Jesus Christ. I'd love to be 174 pounds. Sorry. Forward led the Western Hockey League, Swift League, Swift Current, in scoring with 42 goals and 39 assists.

Nice and even, spreading it around, sticking it in the back of the fucking net. Number 15, we selected, this is the guy I like. It's just as far as the side. Zachary Seneishin. I don't even want to say his fucking name. Seneishin.

18 spent last season, blah, blah, blah, blah. Wait, wait a minute. Where's the fucking, there's somebody here. There's like six, five. Here he is. This is the guy I got hopes for. Number 37, defenseman Brandon Carlo, 18. The six, five, 196 pound defenseman had four goals,

21 assists. Sounds like he's a stay at home guy. You know? I don't know. I'm hoping somebody fucking pans out. That's what we got. So I'm actually kind of excited now. We're really young.

Fuck it. Sweeney clean house. What am I going to do? Be that guy who bitch moans and complains. So hopefully some of those mean something to somebody someday, right? And you guys can actually laugh that I mispronounced all of the fucking names.

You know, hopefully I just mispronounced the next fucking Wayne Gretzky. But anyways, it's going to be hard. It's going to be hard seeing that fucking no loot sheets, no Dougie Hamilton. Dougie Hamilton was in the prime of his fucking career. I still think that was a fucking crazy move. Why do you do that?

This guy's a proven guy. Well, you know, he's probably going to want a lot of money. Well, he fucking deserves it. Pay him. All right, I'm done. I'm done with that shit. Let's get back to the fucking podcast here. Let's get to some of the questions here.

All right. Okay, Romanian fan. Funny you should say that. Ash was actually talking to my agent today about doing an Eastern European tour. I was thinking of doing two European tours next year where I do the usual guys, Iceland over to England, and then next and then later I do fucking Scandinavia

and then down the fucking Baltic states there. Hi, Bill. My name is Eddie. I'm a 30 year old Romanian living in the UK. I'm 6'1 and used to be 290 pounds. And in January decided to become serious and lose weight. I got to a lowest of 217, but two months ago I started working as a truck driver and I'm starting to gain the weight back.

I used to work in a warehouse, very physical job, and also quit smoking four months ago. I listened to your podcast. I'm a big fan. You are a great comedian. I only wrote to you because I absolutely love your way and share all your political views. Dude, please put some punctuation in this.

I know you mentioned my country a few podcasts ago when you were in Paris and your lovely wife whom I salute kindly. I love how people learn English. It's so proper. I salute kindly. Why salute? You too kindly. And I want you to know that we Romanians are damned to be born

in the same country with those pests that are called gypsies. They ruined our name and country. But I 100% agree with the fact that you did a heads up for your future holiday makers in Paris. And second of all, I'm a trucker and a few podcasts ago you were wondering if truckers are listening to you. Well, my good man, at least one surely does. The point of the email is,

do I continue to do this job that I fucking love being a trucker but probably gonna fuck all my hard work of losing weight or do you have a piece of advice? Thank you so very much. Yeah, dude, start eating healthy. Start eating healthy. What I would do is I would go to the grocery store. I'd have a fucking cooler.

And for breakfast, I'd have like an apple or an orange. I would make sure that I eat really light. And at night, I would try to get on the fucking treadmill. But you have to eat perfectly. And you have to learn way more about nutrition than I do. But if you love being a trucker, man, just you got it. You got to have a job you love because then it doesn't feel like work. But if you're starting to put the weight on,

you know, I would definitely say don't eat after five. And I would have a giant fucking salad with some protein every night for dinner. Get yourself a sandwich. I'd crush the fucking waters. You know, late night snack. I do the celery with a spoonful of peanut butter. And that gets me through. And I've never tried to be a trucker.

That is fucking brutal. The closest thing I've ever been to a trucker, as far as is difficult to stay in shape was sitting in a writer's room. When I sat in the writer's room at F is for family, I put on some weight. Then that went into the holidays, which went into the world tour. Not world tour. I went on the other side of the world. And then, you know, these bus tours haven't fucking helped.

So what I would do is I just get on the scale, see what you weigh. And then next week, try to just weigh lighter. That's it. Even if it's just a pound, because you can't fucking work out as much. I would definitely try to be as active as you possibly can. You know what I would do? I come up. This is what I do.

If I was you, I'd come up with the fucking trucker workout and diet. You know, write a book, figure out what works for you, then turn it into a goddamn book. And then they'll expand it, not just the trucker diet. Just say, hey, this work for a guy driving a truck. Imagine what it would do for you. All you do is commute. They'd sell the shit out of it.

And then maybe you got enough money to buy your own trucker, start your own trucking company. Who knows? I'll tell you right now, you have a hit book, even after they're done stealing from you, you'll at least have time to go to the gym. All right. Well, thank you for listening.

And I don't know. I'll go to Romania someday with my pocket zipped shut. Girlfriend's parents. Hey, Bill, I am in eighth grade, and I am about to date this girl who is a freshman in high school. Dude, you're fucking crushing it unless you're a woman. Then, hey, go easy. Yes, there is a double standard.

Your mother would say the same thing. The only problem is that her parents don't want her to date me because they think she'll get bullied for dating a person in a lower grade from her. Oh, okay. That's interesting. I definitely don't want to leave the relationship for some bullshit reason.

So I'm asking you, and hopefully the lovely Nia too, for your guy's advice on what I should do. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Wait, the only problem is her parents don't want her to date me. Well, I mean, you really don't have a choice here. I mean, your only choice is I want to keep dating you. This is, the ball is in her court, in her court. So I would just say to her, say, listen, I really like you,

and I want to be with you. I'd like to date you, okay? If you feel the same way, I'd hope you'd want to keep dating me, but I can't make you date me. So, you know, that's it. I'm going all in. World Series of Poker. I pushed all my chips in.

You still want to be with me? I'll be down the fucking arcade tonight at eight o'clock, whatever you kids do nowadays. I'll be staring like a zombie at my fucking PlayStation flat screen in the surround sound. I don't know. I don't, what more can you do other than tell her that you want to be with her?

You know, that's what I would do. But no matter what, end on a good fucking note. If she can't do it, just play this card at your fucking age. Just be like, you know what, I understand. You might even add this in there. Listen, I understand. I don't want to put you in a bad position with your parents, but I do really like you, and I would like to still be with you.

And that isn't bullshit, right? But the parent part is setting you up for the future, because next year you're going to be a freshman, provided you study and don't fuck up and be held back. All right? Don't be that guy with the mustache in eighth grade, please. All right. Then you get to fucking high school.

Now you're in high school. You know, it's not as bad. Sophomore freshman who gives it. Nobody's going to give a fuck. You're going to the same school. You're laying the groundwork to still be in the ball game. You know what I mean? You're at bat right now.

The emergency swing right now. Stay alive. Stay alive. That's what I would say. Stay alive in the batter's box. Just say, listen, I know it's got to be tough, that your parents are giving you a rough time, okay? And ultimately the decision's going to be yours,

but I still want to date you, because I really like you. All right? But I don't want to make you miserable either. So make, you know, god damn it, I went one sentence too far. So say make a decision that you're comfortable with. Don't say that. Say what the fuck I just said and leave off that last thing. All right?

And then that's it. And if she fucking lets you go, like I say, stay on good fucking terms with her. Do not stalk her on Facebook. Do not pay attention if she starts dating somebody else. Listen, if she decides to walk, you just said to be like, all right, well, maybe next year when I'm in high school. All right?

Maybe then? And she'll say, yeah, maybe then. And say, all right. And just say, listen, I'm not going to get mad if you start dating somebody else or something like that, and then you fucking get it out there, and then you can fucking crush it in eighth grade. You're in there, dude.

You're already taking down them in ninth grade. This is like you're going from majors down to fucking college ball. You know? Hanging curveballs all day long, sending them into the fucking trees like the thrill ride. Remember that one of the first thrill ride fucking video? I sent you? No?

All right. All right, Bill, I'm an old girlfriend. My old girlfriend wants a baby. Hey, Billy, I'm about to turn 48 and I'm dating a great girl, and she's just turned 34. Lucky me, I was previously married for 26 years and never had children. She has no baggage whatsoever.

No kids, no ex, loser, husband, et cetera. She said she would like to have at least one kid, and I think she feels time is running out. I kind of think I am too old, but I don't want to lose her. I like kids, but they seem like a lot of work. I don't know those kids. You know, they seem like a lot of work. Said it seemed like a lot of work,

even if completely healthy. Jesus Christ, dude, even more if they have any issues. Jesus, dude, I can, you know, you're one of those guys that shouldn't have kids. Not sure I got the energy for that. I want to travel and go to shows and drink and continue to be selfish, but in some way it sounds kind of cool.

Please help. Maybe Nia has a take. P.S. Stewart Copeland is the greatest drummer of all time, capital, and you know it's true. Yeah, he's one of the greats. And if that's your greatest drummer of all time, I wouldn't argue that, you know, to each his own. Hey, dude, if you want to do it, go ahead and do it.

I don't think you're too old, you know? And I think it's really like, as far as like the work, it's the first, I think, three, four years. Once they get around five and they kind of know right from wrong, then you kind of got a buddy. He's still going to be a pain in the ass, but you know, he's going to the bathroom himself, you know, or herself or whatever.

They kind of know right from wrong. And then they think you're a god. So like the next fucking seven years, even though they're still going to throw temper tantrums of shit by the time the seven are right. I mean, if you did the fucking job and you raised them right, you got to have a pretty cool kid. And then, you know, enjoy the next five years

because then once they become teenagers, they think they fucking know everything and just pray to God they don't get knocked up or knocked somebody up or get addicted to drugs. It's really once they turn 13, you're just trying to get them through education, getting a good job and not marrying a fucking psycho. And if you do that, then I think then you can finally fucking breathe a little bit.

That's what it seems like. But yeah, it's a lot of work, but there's a part of you that I think wants to do it. So if you want to do it, I would say do it now. It's now or never. All right, ex-lady called me up. Hey, Billy bitch tits. Hey, easy. Jesus Christ.

I hope you're meeting your weight loss goals. I love listening to your podcast at the gym. Yadda, yadda, yadda, go fuck yourself. Oh, speaking of drumming, by the way, I did the goddamn comedy jam three times last week. I got to play out live in a club, man. What a fucking, what a thrill that is. What a fucking thrill.

You know, I want to thank Josh Adam Myers and everybody in the band, Joel, Jay, and Nick for putting up with me and my awful fucking playing. I was actually totally relaxed the whole week when I was playing. You know, I fucked up a lot, but I just kept going. I didn't drop time too much. You know, I don't think I, you know, I fucked up fills.

There's a couple, you know, double hits on the bass drum that I would like sounded like mud, but whatever snare was right there on the two at four. Nobody noticed. But what a fucking great time that is. I can't imagine traveling with three other people and being in a band and being fucking broke. But I can tell you right now,

sitting behind a set of drums, you know, best seat in the fucking house, watching everybody else in the band going fucking nuts and actually seeing people like into it is one of the fucking coolest things I've ever got to do. So I'll be doing a lot more of those in the future. Why the fuck not? They're fun as hell.

Anyways, I love listening to your podcast at the gym. Yada, yada, yada, go fuck yourself. I need some advice about this ex lady. I used to date a few years back at the end of college. She recently sent me a message wanting to hang out. I asked her about her situation from a friend. The lady is moving in seven weeks and quit her job. Wait a minute.

I just started daydreaming halfway through that. I was thinking about drumming. Isn't that weird? You can actually do that. Well, somebody else keeps reading and talking. All right, I need some advice about this. Actually, I used to date a few years back. She recently sent me a message wanting to hang out.

I asked what is the situation in front of me. The lady is moving in seven weeks and quit her job. I figured she was looking for a quick fling before she left. Ah, Bill, I thought I had struck gold. I really did. One and a half months of no strings attached fun, and then she would just be fucking gone. You idiot.

You probably saw her too much, and now she thinks there's a reason to stay. Never have to see her again. Anyways, I agreed to hang out with her, and that's when she tells me that she is homeless. Ah, Jesus Christ. She's homeless. How the fuck is she calling you?

She fucked up her lease and is out seven weeks before she leaves. So now I'm hanging out with her in one week. My question for you, parentheses, and maybe your wife could help add some female charm to the answer. How do I bang her? Oh my god, but not after let her live with me for two months. You know what? I got to put down the mic for half a second

and just applaud you for admitting to the exact selfish piece of shit thing that you want to do. Hang on a second. Gotta love honesty, even if you don't like what somebody wants to do. I think I should probably just go for it and worry about that situation later. What do you think?

Thank you and please go fuck yourself. A red-headed dope like yourself. All right, my freckles and arms here. All right, how do I bang her but not have to live with her? Oh, simple. You just put her up in a motel and you say you're going to pay for it. That's what I would do. That's fucking filthy, man.

Jesus Christ. Put her up in a fucking hotel. It would be cheap. She's not fucking homeless. She'll feel obligated to bang you. You've already banged before. It won't feel so filthy. That's what you could do.

I might need a shower after this fucking answer, but I would just say that that's the way to go. By no means let her ever stay over at your house. Do not ever fuck her over at your house. Fuck her at the motel that you put her up in. That's what you need to do. Okay? She cannot come over your fucking house if she asks you why.

Just say, just be honest. Just be honest. Just say because I'm not. You know what, dude? This is really fucked up. She's calling you in the time of need. She's calling you because she's homeless. Ladies moving in seven weeks and quit her job.

Dude, she might be on drugs. She fucked up her lease. She's moving. Ah, I don't know, dude. I don't know, man. You might be fucking somebody who's using needles here, man. You know what I say, dude? I got one for you.

Why don't you fucking rub one out and then think about it? Oh, he says, PS, when is your next special coming out? I think I speak for everyone when I say I can't wait to see them. That's very nice of you. Well, I put them out every two years. So I came out, the last one came out in December, every little more than two years. So this is my year off where I just get to fuck around

and have a great time, which I'm doing. And I'm already, you know, I have some ideas about where I want to shoot my next one, what I want it to look like, and I'm just waiting for the material to come. But I'm really happy. I'll tell you, I'll tell you, I'm really happy with where my act was this past weekend

when I was up in Montreal. All right, let me read the rest of this. The rest of the advertising here. And then I got a dilemma and a couple of overrated, underrated. Remember those? All right. Where are we?

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just go to BillBurr.com, click on the podcast page, click on the Amazon link, it just takes you there. And I just get credit for driving traffic there and they kick me a portion of the proceeds. And a percentage of those proceeds I sent to the St. Jude's Children's Hospital because that seems to be like an up and up charity. All right, there you go.

All right, dilemma. Would you rather do a show with no swearing or take a bath with Oprah also with no swearing? I wouldn't subject Oprah to taking a bath with me. I'd do a show not swearing, I've done that. I can do that. Underrated, overrated. These are for me.

Underrated, calling it a night. That's what I learned when I was in Montreal, when I wasn't drinking and I was just sitting there slamming waters and everything, it got to that fucking point, like, you know what? There's a point where you saw everything that's going to happen. Everything else is just going to get messy. Get home now where you can still wake up early

and fucking work out. Also underrated, drinking waters while everyone else is getting fucked up. It's tremendous. It's tremendous. Everybody starts slurring, they say crazy shit to you. And right as they're getting just completely not even tolerable, you just fucking walk out

and they don't even notice. Also underrated, working out in the morning. Stepping on the scale after pushing a buck 90 a month ago and seeing 180, 180.0. All right, overrated. After parties, rich food, and buying new shit. You buy new shit and then it gets with your old shit next thing you know, your fucking room is filled.

It's filled up, you know what I mean? You got to get underrated, getting rid of shit. I got stuff in my garage. I have old DVDs. Would you guys still buy DVDs if I put them up on my website? A lot of graph all of them just to get them out of my garage. I'm going to do it. I think there's a few older people out there listening

to the podcast that are old school like me and they want, you know, they want the gold behind their money. They don't want to digitally own it. They want to have the hard copy. All right, that's going to be the podcast for this week. What a week I had, man. Montreal, Ottawa, you guys were unbelievable. Such great fans up there.

The goddamn comedy jam. Josh, Joel, Jay, and Nick. Thank you guys for putting up with my drumming. And thank you to everybody that came out to my shows. What else? What else? Who else did I want to thank? God damn it.

I can't fucking remember. Anyways, I'm the worst. I got to say, you know, I did all right this week. I actually made some lists. Anyways, this is going to take me forever to upload because my internet sucks. So I've got an hour and 10 minutes here. You guys have a good weekend on Thursday.

I'll check in on you there. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you later. BME Premium Selection Certificate