Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-27-20

Episode Date: July 27, 2020

Bill rambles about liberals co-opting Carlin, side-car racing, and the Navy.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 27th, if you can believe it, 2020. What's going on? How are you? Oh my God, where is the summer going? I have to tell you, my flip-flops have never been in better condition this far into the summer.

I don't even have a cunt belly yet. I mean, this is fucking ridiculous. Walking around, I got more material over my face than I do over my muff. I've had it. Anyway, you guys enjoying the summer? Do you have your little circle of people that you trust that you trust that they're not out there fucking, fucking around? You don't know who you can trust, man.

You don't know who you can trust, because you know what? They could be cool in your fucking group, but there's one person, he's out there cruising hookers or doing something, you know, going out to get some air quote, Chinese food, you know, comes back 45 minutes later with some cold sticky rice, where else did you go, buddy? Where did you go? Here's a question I got to go into the CDC website, if you bang a hooker wearing a condom while wearing a mask, can you still show up with your pot of friends with your key line pie the next day?

You know, these are the questions that if I ran a news network would be answered. Anyways, how are you guys doing? How are you doing? I hope you guys are enjoying your summer, your quarantine summer. You got to admit, as much as it sucks that you're not seeing your friends, it's kind of great to not see everybody else, you know, and if you really do the math and you think about it, you only have, they say, you only have two or three really good friends in life, okay?

And everybody else is just background a jerk off or a complete cunt, you know? So it's kind of good to get, you know, sacrificing your true friends, you know, to avoid all as other people. Don't you think? I would think so. You know? I'm kind of enjoying a little bit. Who can know?

You guys have heard, I've slowly, I've slowly gone out of my fucking mind here a couple of times, but I'm back, been flying a little bit here or there, you know, made sure everybody got tested, but I don't know what the fuck that means. Who the fuck knows what it means? Who knows what it means? I'm sick of fucking talking about it, but what else do you talk about? Huh? I sit here and tell you guys every, I don't have guests on this thing usually, I need

to start having guests. Hey, man, so what, what, uh, tell me about the nothing you did this week. Um, I'll tell you what did fucking bother me is there's, there's a video going around. It's a great George Carlin bit about how all politicians already bought and sold and blow all the stuff that he was telling us, you know, in his final years. And like everything, these fucking assholes on the left politicized the thing. They made it seem like he was only talking about Republicans because all they showed in the video was Trump and Mike Pence and all of these fucking people, you know, judges

that the Republican right wanted that fucking guy, uh, whatever the fuck his name was that, you know, nobody wanted to get, but people didn't want to get appointed and all that type of shit. And that's, it completely was not what the fuck he was saying. And it really bothers me that that guy is no longer here and somebody is taking his bit and doing what Fox and CNN do. Like now regular people are doing it. They're making it, they're taking what he said and then they're putting it through the

meat grinder of their own fucking brain and their political agenda. And I saw a few people posted it and then all you just see is people arguing about it underneath. So then his message is now lost because you politicized it. Sound familiar? And it did that with, uh, the supernova cold we're all dealing with fucking politicizing and it goes right down the fucking toilet. Nobody can, that really bothered me because George Carlin obviously being a comedian is one of my favorites of all time.

And I really think the work that he did towards the end, a lot of people didn't understand if you go back and watch it, the guy was so fucking dead on. It was ridiculous. Now you can say, oh, you didn't have as many jokes, blah, blah, blah, blah. He also didn't have a lot of time left. So I think at some point the jokes were getting in the way of some of the shit. He just kind of stepped outside the act and was giving people a fucking heads up or whatever. I don't know.

But it was, it was really disappointing to see that bit and to not see, you know, show, like just showing even amount of politicians so people can fucking, I mean, somehow meet in the fucking middle. I don't know. I'm sure you guys have seen it, you know, if you're on, on the fucking interweb there. But anyway, let's talk MotoGP, MotoGP, the latest race in the south of Spain, whatever the heck the name of the town was, I already forget. I saw that race this morning, Fabio Quatorra wins race number two.

Marc Marquez tried to race. This guy broke his humorous last week. Four days later, he did 50 pushups on camera. I watched a little clip of it and my eyes were watering just waiting for his fucking arm to snap. Lunatic. Fucking lunatic. So he actually tried to qualify for the race.

I don't know how many times it went around the track, but his right, his right hand started going numb. Throttle front brake hand. And obviously he can't be fucking going along at 200 miles an hour with a numb hand. So he ended up bowing out and it was a, I don't know, it was a very interesting race. It was so fucking hot out. There were so many bikes that were just crapping out, like literally smoke coming out of the back of them and shit.

The Vizioso, I don't know what happened. I tried to look it up. I just been so damn busy. Something happened to him in the, he didn't crash or anything. He just didn't have a good qualifying. He started at like 14th or 15th. So I got to watch him move up through the field. I think he got to like six place, but anyways, Fabio Quattararo, he just got out in front

and what's his face, Valentino Rossi was in second place and Valentino could not keep up with Fabio Quattararo and what's his face, Maverick Vinyales could not get around. It's Valentino Rossi and then it just, I don't know, it kind of looked like a Formula 1 race where like Louis Hamilton gets out in front and then the fucking race is over and you do the rest of the race, the cameras on people and like, you know, second through fifth place or something like that, but it was still fun race to watch and I don't know, it was cool to see Valentino Rossi on the podium, but here's a question I have for all you gear heads out there.

I don't fucking understand how you age out of that sport. I know it takes a tremendous toll on you physically, so I guess there is that, but there's something because you're on a machine and the machine is doing so much of the work. I just don't understand if Valentino Rossi keeps himself in shape, which he has, the guy's thin as a rail, he's as light as anybody else is on a bike. If his bike is set up right, why is Fabio so much better? Is it simply because his body is younger and he can just take the G-forces, pulling on his body better than Valentino Rossi can at that age?

It just kind of fascinates me that you can age out of motorsport. I mean, I guess I understand it a little bit better because we went to Vegas and I drove a car around a track at one-third the speed, those bikes go, and even just five times around, my brain felt like it needed a break, so I can't imagine at those speeds what that does to you. I think I'm kind of answering the question myself, but I would love, I get a lot of people writing in, yelling at me about my shit, about masks, just getting really yelled at. I never really dipped into, and I still don't consider it a political pool, but I just feel

like I did because it got politicized. But you know, for the record, I was watching this MotoGP race and everybody in the pits was wearing masks, and the winners, when they were talking, they had fucking masks on and shit like that, and I don't think Spain and MotoGP is in on some sort of conspiracy to take down fucking red tie or blue tie people. I don't think that they give a shit, but that's just me. So whatever. So I watched the race, and so now that Fabio Quattarara has won two races, you get 25 points

per race, Marc Marquez crashed the first one, could not race in this one. So now Fabio has gotten, he's got 50 points in two races, 50 point lead, and the next race isn't for a couple of weeks, I believe, and then they do three in a row. Yeah, the next one isn't until August 9th, so August 2nd they have off, then they have August 9th, the 16th, and 23rd, huge month, then they got a couple of weeks off, and then in September it's the 13th, 20th, 27th, week or two off, then October 11th, 18th, 25th, and then November 8th, 15th, and the other ones in Argentina, Thailand and Malaysia are all to be determined what date they're going to be.

Hey Bill, now that you're a MotoGP fan, what race would you like to go to? I would definitely like to go to one in Spain. The one in Mexico City that goes through the old baseball park. I know they do that in F1, I believe, MotoGP, do they go through that? Wait, they're not even on the schedule here. I thought they raced down there. I got to do something in Mexico City. Every band or that I've ever, anybody who's ever gone there said that City is incredible.

Yeah, so I'd say that one, and then whatever track in Italy there is, plus those are my favorite bikes. I love the Ducati's, or Ducati's, as the announcers say. I love those bikes and there's a track where it has the fastest straight away, where they get up to like 315, 320 kilometers or something like that, which is, I don't know, 200 something miles an hour on a fucking motorcycle while you're racing somebody else. I mean, it's incredible what these guys do. All right, enough with the MotoGP stuff.

I did watch a little bit of American sports. I watched the Braves take me out to the ball game. They beat the shit out of the Mets. To the point, I just started tweeting about the game so I could just somehow stay involved in it. They won like a 14 to 1, I think, hanging out with my family and every time I looked up, they were just fucking hitting another home run. It was fun to watch, though.

I actually really enjoy. I'm kind of enjoying sports without crowds in a way because, I don't know, when are you ever going to get to do this again? It is interesting and they've been miking up the players obviously on a delay. I've always, you know, I like to think I'm mature enough person that I could watch like every player miked up and listen to everything that they fucking say and not, you know, get offended or anything like that. It is unfortunate that there aren't enough people like that or like me, I guess, is what

I'm saying. I just feel like for me, I'm like the perfect person because I would love to because a few times I've gotten to sit courtside on an NBA game and you just hear all the shit talking and all that. It's fucking amazing, amazing, and especially the stars and you're like sitting there watching like that. Yeah, this guy really gives a fuck, you know, because you know all the fucking assholes in the bar.

This guy doesn't fucking care. He's got his money. He's got his bitches. And you get down and you're like, no, this guy gives a fuck. I was talking about Kobe because I saw the rest in peace and I saw the Knicks courtside against the Lakers a year when the Knicks, of course, were fucking horrible and the Knicks actually beat him. And I remember Kobe was fucking pissed that they were losing to that team and losing in

New York at the Garden and all of that. And I was down there and like he was single-handedly trying to get this team to win. I can't remember what year it was. I do remember I was supposed to go to the game with Patrice, rest his soul. So he was still alive. So it was pre-2011, God damn it, man. That was probably like 05 now when I think about it. Was it that long ago?

Fuck, I'm old. Jesus Christ. Anyway, yeah, so I watched them beat down the Braves. I tell you, one of the things that makes me want to smoke a cigar oddly enough is baseball. And I would actually sit there and fucking keep score and all of that shit if I could go to a cigar bar whenever that day comes back around again. But I'm not smoking this month and I don't think I'm going to smoke next month either because I kind of worked it out where I quit smoking on January 13th.

I'm like I'm fucking done with this shit. And then I smoked one with Verzi in March. So I didn't smoke in February. I smoked one in March, none in April, two in May, and then seven in June. That was a rough one. OK, I had a kid, my birthday, Father's Day, got a little off the rails. So I need a couple of zero months here. I might go to like October or November or something like that.

Although it's been, I don't know, there's just been a few and a bad thing that I do is I follow La Rora cigars on Instagram. And every time they send a picture out, it's like, oh, God, that looks delicious. Jesus Christ. I was trying to do once every 50 days. I think that that's what the fuck I'll do. I'll just get back to that. So right now, I don't know, if I go this whole month, 31 days, and I smoked on the 29, 31,

33, I guess August 27th, that's not bad, right? Any doctors out there? Everybody's a doctor today, right? Nowadays, everybody's a fucking doctor. Everybody knows what's going on medically in the world. I played some drums, people, I got nothing. I don't know what to tell you. I'm trying to think that I watch any fucking TV, anything that I liked.

I can't even remember. But I bought some new drum heads and I've been just tuning up, tensioning up the drums and shit and just kind of learning how to do that and got a really good sound. And I kind of realized like, you know, I bought this kit, right? And I got a 12, 13 rack and then 14, 16, 18 floor tom. So it's kind of two kits in one because I always play one up and either one down or two down, right? So I looked at it like I could either go small, 12, 14, 16 or bigger, like go 13, 16, 18.

So I was just changing the heads. And what I had set up was I had the 13 rack and the 16 floor. That's it. So I decided to change the head on the 14, right? So then I had the, I had 13, 14, 16. So with the sizes, it was very easy to go, to go from the 16 to the 14, that dum, dum. And then when I wanted to get dum on the 13, it just, it was too close to the 14. Where it wanted to be.

So I ended up taking that off and put the 12 on and then there was the tone that I wanted. So my question is to you drummers out there that have these monster kits, when you go, like if you have a 12 to a 13 or a 13 to a 14, how do you tension that thing? Or what pitch is it like a half step? Is that what it is? Because I've always had like two inches between drum sizes for the most part. So it's been very easy. I remember a long time ago, the guy goes, it's like the first two notes of here comes the bride.

Here comes, here comes. He just kind of move it all the way up. That's how I was taught to kind of do the thing. But I don't know how to go. Like I can tune 12, 14, I mean, sorry, 12, 14, 16 to sound good together. But 13, 14, 16, I can't get 13 and 14 to sound good. And then 13 and 16 have too big of a gap at that point. Sorry, this is like major drum nerd shit.

If anybody can help me out with that, I'd appreciate it. And then lastly, that shit that I was talking about with drums, as far as like being relaxed, the faster you go, the more relaxed you have to be. If you're going to execute it, I've really been working on that. And I sort of gave up while still practicing good times, bad times, like going, I'm giving up on forward progress of this. I just want to be able to play it at this tempo. And I just started just humming the song in my head.

Well, I set the click to like 70, 72 BPMs. And I just did it. I was like, I don't give a fuck how long I have to stay at this. I'm just going to play it until I can play this without even thinking about it. And it took me like a week or so in dad time. And then I got really comfortable with it. And then I just sort of moved it up. I don't know, I was just playing.

I was like, what if I just put it up to 80 after a week of playing at this? And I was able to play it at 80. Now, I wasn't totally relaxed, but I was able to do that. And today I came downstairs, you know, and I practiced again. And this time I just sort of bumped it up to like 73. And I messed around and jammed with it at that humming the song in my head, bumped it up again to 80, and it was a little bit easier. So I think that that's what I'm going to do.

So now I'm just going to sort of live at 73 BPMs, forget about 80, and just get super comfortable where I can just, you know, there's like, there's three different ways he does that 16th, no triplet. He has one where he does three in a row. Then he has, there's a guitar solo part where he, one bar he does three in a row, then the next bar he does four in a row. And then he has the epic one in the end where two bars in a row, he plays that lick 10 times in a row.

And so I sort of play the song, and then I also think of just those bars, and I'll just sort of play them one after another, completely not even of the song, just going back and forth, playing the drum fill that he plays in the beginning or the drum fill that he plays in the chorus, and just playing it in any random order, just at that tempo. And I don't know, for whatever reason, that's really been helping me. So if there's anybody, any other dad drummers out there who have limited time and are frustrated, this way of practicing has really helped me and had me way less frustrated.

I don't know, it's really amazing how that whole fucking thing works. And I found the same thing flying a helicopter is I was holding on to so fucking tight to the point like the low RPM horn was coming on because I was gripping the guy, came back and I was, you know, I was like fighting the thing rather than, and my instructor was just going like this thing wants to fly. So you just have to like, and if you're holding on to it super tight, you're not going to be able to feel it and become one with it. It's like you just have to sort of like feel which way it wants to go,

which way the wind is pushing it, and then just make the right inputs. And it just totally changed the way I was flying from one lesson to another. And it was like a noticeable difference. So, you know, I mean, it's sort of a thing that happens when you're a new pilot. You grip like, I don't want to fucking die. So you kind of have a death grip. But he said something really fascinating. Like I'm really getting into like nerd shit here on this one.

I got motorcycle racing fans, drummers, drum tuning, and now flying a helicopter. Sorry, at some point when the questions come in, this will get a little more mainstream. So my instructor said something the other day that just blew my fucking mind, because I had the, I was doing the best auto rotations I think I've ever done. And the hardest part for me, for me, was when the ground's coming up, in other words, you're getting closer to the ground, because you're really descending way faster than you would obviously in no engine failure if you're coming in, ideally 300 feet per minute is how you want to come down.

That's commercial level landing. You know, you always want, basically people could drink a hot coffee and not spill it on themselves as opposed, as opposed as how you're supposed to do it, right? So when you're coming down like that in an auto rotation, as you're getting closer to the ground, your natural instinct is to pull back on the stick, which causes you to go into your flare too soon. It also causes your RPMs to go through the roof, and then you have to adjust that. And then you're making all these inputs as you're coming to the ground. And so what you really have to do is just sort of stay in the pocket and keep it level.

You also, if you go back too far, you could have a tail strike when you hit, when you get too close to the ground. So as you come in, you actually want to stay level, even though you're seeing the ground coming up and you want, it's almost like you're pulling your legs up. You're pulling the stick back. You want to stay level until you get into your flare. And then the flare is, as I was talking, is like a hockey stop. You're not, you don't want to go back up again.

Because if you go up, that's going to be the last of your energy. And then as you're coming down, when you pulled as your, what looks like the emergency brake, to cushion, you're going to have too, you're going to be too high and, you know, you're going to blow out the skids or fuck up your back or something like that. If you're lucky, that's the worst you're going to do. So what he said to me was, the helicopter is actually the most happiest, he said, during an engine failure. Because there's absolutely no stress on the whole thing at all.

There's nothing competing. There's no more main rotor torque being compensated, you know, with the tail rotor and all that stuff. It's all fucking in sync. And you're still flying it. And it's just, I don't know. I don't know. I don't even know who the fuck I'm talking to.

I feel like I'm talking to eight of my listeners at this point. Let me do a little bit of advertising reads here. I'm sure I'll get criticized for everything that I just said. You don't know shit about motorcycle racing. I don't. I don't know shit. But if you would, you'll notice about me is I'm all over the fucking map. All right.

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We know you know how to do it. We know you know how to do it. There's no fucking way if they can grow a fucking ear in a petri dish, you can't cure baldness. It doesn't make any sense. Um, can you fucking imagine if that fucking pill came out? You know what would be so weird is I would probably take it and then still do the shaved head.

Because I have to be, I'm kind of used to it now because I'm growing my hair out right now because I got a fucking little acting gig I got to do here, hopefully. And I kind of got an idea of a different look. You know, it's a different guy. You try to look a little different even though you still have your same stupid accent.

They're freckles. And I find it just to be a pain in the ass. I just got used to it. I liked it, you know? I kind of like it. But having said that, yeah, I would definitely take the pill and then I would just, I would have the option. You know, if I, if I wanted to or not is how I look at it.

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Those are the reeds. Those are the reeds, man. All right, let's let the old man here get a little sip of water. Here we go. But he dumps it all over his fucking shirt. What a fucking idiot. Jesus Christ. You know what it is?

It's his fucking thermos. Remember the beers that had the extra wide opening at the top of them for like the fucking alkies? Good fucking, you know, large, large mouth bass opening that they would have. That's what this fucking thing has. So unless I'm standing up, if I go to port, it always comes down either side of my chin there. All right, let the youngsters have their fun. You know something? Have I come off as this much of a cunt every fucking week?

There's somebody breaking me, breaking me balls there. All right, here we go. I guess I opened my mouth, so I'm going to get some shit. All right, hey Bill, I'm a random poll from the UK. By the way, I forgot that Mike Yastremski, grandson of Carl Yastremski, is in Major League Baseball. That is so fucking cool. Can you imagine?

What are the odds if he also wins the Triple Crown? I mean, that's never fucking happened. That is incredible. I can't imagine the conversations he must have with his grandfather about hitting and just baseball in general. I mean, that's like, talk about a mic'd up conversation you'd love to hear. All right, hey Bill, I'm a random poll from the UK. Big fan and with tremendous sense of humor, parentheses, you know what's coming, right?

Oh, oh, because you're saying you have to stop being such a hypocrite, Bill. Oh, wait a minute. Stop being such a hypocrite since I've been doing this fucking podcast. You named me one fucking thing I've ever said, and then I didn't go and do the exact opposite fucking thing. That's this whole podcast. What are you going to say next? Fucking, you suck at reading out loud.

I mean, I know this shit. Anyway, some young dude wrote to you about being lonely and unable to amp his guitar. You smacked him with sanctimonious. That's evil. Okay, did I? Well, yeah, go play your fucking guitar. Don't breathe on an old person. How am I the bad guy?

I just don't, I don't get it. This has to be a generation gap. I didn't say he couldn't play his guitar at the beach. I just said, and even in the end, I said, maybe I was too hard on that guy. I fucking said it in the podcast, you cunt, you random poll cunt from the UK. You're not even listening to me. All right. How is that different from righteous protests, which you described as it needed to happen?

How is it different playing a guitar on the beach as opposed to a group of people that are being murdered by the fucking police that are supposed to be protecting them? Jesus fucking Christ. Okay. All right. Who are you going to shit on next? Firefighters who have to go to a fire and give somebody mouth to mouth when this, you know, during a pandemic, they shouldn't fucking do that.

All right. I guess, I guess, yeah, I guess I'm the asshole because, you know, I don't see how whining that you can't plug your guitar into a fucking amp when you live on the goddamn beach. You're in your twenties. You don't have any dependence. You know, I don't know. And how that behavior can, I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, what was supposed to happen with the other side? Am I supposed to tell them when they're supposed to fucking protest? I'm just saying, okay, if you're some fucking, do I really have to explain this? I guess in your world, those are the same things. Hey, you know what? Agree to disagree. Anyway, to be clear, I'd rather see all people having a discipline

and refrain from putting others in harm's way. Tremendous. So you agree with me? Okay, all right. But once you say this group of insert your favorite cause here can do it, then you are justifying everyone else. No, I'm not. If you're fucking mature because I didn't look at those protesters saying,

please stop fucking killing us and then go, well, if they can go outside, then I can go to the beach. No, I'm not justifying everyone else. What you're doing is you're saying that. I 100% disagree with that, sir. All right, Catholic with their unhygienic dispension of crackers. I didn't say that they should do that. Muslims with kissing certain holy sites.

I wouldn't do that either. Orthodox Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, etc. All of them like to gather and extensively breathe in each other's direction. Well, in my country, you're not allowed to go to church, as far as I know, at least in this state, you can't. This is even more disappointing with your persona. Oh, Jesus Christ. Do you stop talking to me like I'm your son and I fucking disappointed you?

You fucking whiny cunt. This is even because of your persona. Listen to this quote. Why do we need to jump on Ebola? Let it burn through once or let's sink random cruise ships. Routines. All right, buddy. You know what I mean?

Thank God I went to Poland and I saw how many smart people were there, or I really think that the stereotype was true. Buddy, are you really sitting there trying to tell me that the jokes? Did you really, when I said that they should have let Ebola burn through the population, you really thought that I was being serious? Do you really think that I want to sink cruise ships with women and children, innocent people on it? I was making a joke about how we weren't doing anything about the population

problem so that you would then have to go to these ridiculous, absurd levels to try and control it, okay? I thought the fact that it said comedy special before you clicked on it and that people were laughing hysterically as I was suggesting sinking cruise ships, that you knew it was a joke. Evidently you didn't. And now your mind is blown, okay? And now on the other side of this lovely sandwich,

oh, this guy, this lovely sandwich. He's really getting into himself. He thinks he's making some points here. There is no malice in everything above. I'm trying to break your balls with my broken English because I love you. Oh, God, the mind fucker, this thing. So then you didn't mean any of that? All right, guess you did?

Yeah, I'm not being a hypocrite, okay? I'm just trying to do what doctors are telling me to do, not what people in the news are doing. And I'm sick of talking about this. Because evidently some of the people who listen to this podcast are just a little too, I don't know what, a little too delicate. Or maybe it was, were you just trolling the whole time? Is that what the fuck it is?

I don't know. I don't know. But by all means, just go out and do whatever the fuck you want to do because, you know, I don't know, just getting fucking yelled at every goddamn fucking week. Here I am in the goodness of my heart and the advertising money I make on this. I am trying to bring laughter now. All right, sidecar racing. All right, here we go.

Here's a nice subject here. Good morning, Billy International Sportsman Burr. Have you ever heard of sidecar racing? Yes, I have. I've actually talked about it on this podcast. And I can't think of a more thankless job than being fucking, not only are you riding, bitch, you're fucking beneath the guy who's got all the commands. And then you have to literally stand up while this thing's going 100-something

fucking miles an hour and lean over the other side of the bike when he's making a fucking left turn. I mean, you can't tell me at some point that that guy doesn't want to be the guy riding the bike. I mean, that is literally like a Will Ferrell character in a movie. The guy in the sidecar and walking around like he's the fucking, like, I don't think he's the man or something. I don't know. Have you ever heard of sidecar racing?

Yes, I had. I just happened to see it on Reddit and I know you would like it. It's basically a two-man team driving in a 600 cc motorcycle. One is the main driver and the other person sits in the sidecar. You got to see this if you haven't seen it. It's incredible. You have to YouTube it and watch the guy sitting on the sidecar maneuver while taking turns. It's unbelievable the balls to move the weight around while the main driver is doing tight turns.

Would you do this race? Oh, would I ride in that race? If yes, who's your partner? Who's your sponsor? I would help. I would hope this. I hope this help entertain you for a little bit while being locked down. Please visit Tacoma, Washington.

All right, be safe. Would I do this race? No, I wouldn't. I am a control freak. I would want to be the one making the decisions of how fast we went into the fucking turn. I'd like to think I'm a good team player. It would take me a long time to get comfortable. Like the level of trust that you have to have with the guy riding the bike as you're going

into this turn being like he's going to apply the right amount of pressure at the right amount at the right time and we are not going to hit those trees. And because I know that I am now going to stand up and lean over the other side of the fucking bike. I mean, if he ends up laying that thing down, I mean, you're sliding on your face. I know you have a full fucking shield, but you're going to do a face plant into the fucking ground. If he somehow high sides it, you're going to go flying. There's no nobody wins in a high side, but you're going to go flying up in the air backwards. Okay, now I have to look that up right now.

All right, there we go. Let's see here. By the way, NHL coming back August 1st, right? Uh, high side, uh, side car. Is it car? Motorcycle. Let's see what we get here. Oh, side car.

Come on, man. Give me a video. I want to, I want to see it. Coolest motorcycle ever. A little fun. I didn't write the right thing. Come on, man. Let's just say sidecar.

Sidecar motorcycle racing. Crashes. Here we go. Massive crash. The TT 2014 sidecar race. So these guys probably died. All right. Under the fucking trailer.

You guys want to hear this? All right, where's it going to happen? It's a fucking minute, 10 long. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Oh my God.

If you could put the three stooges on a fucking motorcycle, that's what I just watched. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. That is just all kinds of fuck that. There is no fucking way. There is no fucking way. Oh my God.

All right. If I was going to do it, uh, my partner, it would be Alonzo Bowden. Uh, he's into motorcycle racing and he's ridden forever. So I would try, I would have all the, if I had a partner up with a comedian, it would be Alonzo Bowden or Dean Del Rey.

Alonzo might be too big. I'd be worried about all of that weight. So I would have to say Dean Del Rey. And, um, I don't know, Dean or Alonzo. That's, that would be it. Who would our sponsor be? All things comedy, of course. You like that?

You like that? All right. Divorced after six months. Uh, dear Billy Ball Balls. Um, now I'm thinking about that, let the youngsters have their fun. Now was he just fucking breaking my balls? Maybe that's what he was doing.

I don't fucking know. I don't even know anymore. I don't give a fuck. I just want to get back out and tell some fucking jokes and make people laugh. Um, all right. Divorced after six months. That sounds like a fucking sitcom

that didn't get picked up. Divorced after six months. We shot a pilot, but it, uh, didn't work out. Uh, dear Billy Ball Balls. Love the podcast and hearing your take on situations. That being said, I need some advice. Oh, wait a minute. He fucking, he lobbed it over the net.

Come on. Come on. Where is it? Oh, by the way, rest in peace. Peter Green, one of the greatest fucking guitarist of all time. And the only reason why I know anything about him is because of, uh, Mark Maron. Mark Maron was the guy that taught me about him.

Now, why can't I get to my fucking songs here? TV show music, music, music. There we go. Library, library. I'm never going to have a professional podcast. You guys just going to have to fucking deal with that fact. All right. This guy just asked for advice.

It's time for advice. Hey. That's me. Somebody else. All right. The hypocrite. Here he goes. The hypocrite, uh, divorced after six.

I need some advice. My ex and I dated for five years, and I just knew she was the one. After nearly a year of being engaged, we decided to get married. After only six months of being married, I came, I come home the Friday before Christmas after working all day to an empty house with no warning. And when I say empty, I mean nothing, but my clothes were still there. Oh my God. Like she paid for everything.

We don't have any children, but of course I reached out to her with no success asking if she'd be willing to go to counseling in hopes of working things out and still no response. I don't want to blame the victim here, but what did you do? Um, a few days later, I noticed she posted a status on Facebook about me claiming I was mentally and physically abusive to her and continued to explain to everyone on Facebook. That's why she left me and that she was unhappy the whole nearly seven years that we were together. Why did she have to go on Facebook and tell everybody?

Oh, this is why I soon find out she was cheating on me the whole time we were married with the guys she worked with. We finally decided to move forward with the divorce, but in my state, we have to be separated a year before we can finalize the divorce. So here's the kicker. When my ex left me, she forgot a birdhouse that her now deceased grandfather built her. I texted her and told her she could come by and get it or I could bring it to her. Or aren't you a nice guy considering she took the TVs and everything, but she insisted that

her boyfriend comes to get it. I told her that wouldn't work. Oh yeah, dude, you could fucking crown that guy with the fucking birdhouse. Yeah, that's not a good situation. You might snap. Since then, she tried to get alimony and tried to take my house that I owned before we were married with no success. Thank God, all in the name of the birdhouse that she claims I won't give her.

So my question is, should I be the bigger person and let her boyfriend come and get the birdhouse or should I keep it just to prove a point to cunt whore? Hope you can help me out with this and always as always go fuck yourself. No, dude. This is the thing about women. When you break up with them or they break up with you, you got to get them the fuck out of your life. It's a cancer.

You got to get rid. It's a fucking birdhouse. Okay, and here's the deal. That guy who's with that woman, I think you called her cunt whore. I don't know if that's her first and last name or her first and middle name. He's with her now. Okay, and now he asks, that's like, what about Bob? I always use that analogy.

Just pass her on. Just, you know, just give him the fucking birdhouse. Keep your house. Let that guy lay in bed with her knowing how he got her. Okay, and at some point, you know, you probably end up doing the same thing to him, which is not your fucking problem. This is what you do. You give him the birdhouse, you know, I don't know.

That's, that's, that's a tough, this is what I would do. You can't just leave it out because then you look like a bitch. When the, when the guy comes to the door, I still wouldn't say anything. Just hand him the fucking birdhouse. Yeah, she's, what a fucking cunt whore because she's making you look at the person. She was fucking while you guys were married. All right, dude, this is the thing. This is what you have to do.

In life, when shit like this happens. Okay, because I think she's trying to beat you into swinging on this guy. Okay, and then somehow, I don't know what, there'll be some new fucking law that if you punched the man that was fucking your wife while you were married to her, she somehow gets your house that you own before you guys were married. Like there'll be some sort of legislation probably in the works. Okay, so I think she's trying to bait you into doing something stupid here. So the stupid move is to keep the birdhouse.

The even dumber move is to take the birdhouse and smash it over that guy's head. All right, the smart move here is to give that poor bastard, who's now with this cunt whore at the birdhouse and guess what, they fucking walk away. You know, and you go crack open a cold one and think you're lucky fucking stars, you never had a kid with her. Dude, she's gone, she's out of your fucking life. Okay, and you move on and find the good person that you deserve. All right, and just be lucky that you live in the state that you live in,

that actually let you keep your fucking house. Okay, that's it. All right, I mean, granted, I just got your side of the story, but I think you're either dealing with the psycho or somebody who just didn't know how to break up with somebody and just kept moving to the next level of the fucking relationship and then didn't know how to get out of it and then did it in a totally immature fucking way. That is not the mature way to fucking break up with somebody. I mean, I'm all for clearing your shit out, but when the person comes home, you have to be there.

Okay, so it's a clean break, so you don't have to fucking then be living together and just going through this fucking bullshit. I mean, you don't have to put your, if you're going to break up with somebody, you got to do it face to face, but you don't have to fucking draw it out for months on fucking end. So the first half that she did cleared the fucking place out. I don't have a problem with that unless it's shit that you also paid for. That's a little fucked up, but that's how women operate. And guys don't give a fuck, whatever. You can always get another fucking table who gives a

shit, right? But I'm telling you right now, it seems to me like she is trying to bait you into something. And I also think on some level, you kept the birdhouse out of spite. Just let it go. Give the birdhouse to that fucking jerk off. He can go get with Kanthor and you can, you know, you can be with somebody else who gives a fuck too. They're out of your life. That is a small, small fucking price to pay. And then you know what? She can focus all that psycho fucking energy on this new fucking guy. You know, because what's funny is in his head, he thinks that he's winning. You know, so I mean, they kind of deserve each other in a way, right?

And then they'll bang and they'll have a kid and he'll be a banker someday. All right, doing time. Dear Billy Blue Bulls. Love the podcast and I hope you get to perform stand up soon. I saw you in Orlando back in 2015 and love the show. Oh, I had a great time down there. Was that the one at the, uh, was that the one that was at the, at the house of blues or was that the previous time I went there? I can't remember. He says, anyway, I hope you, uh, read this email and can help me out. I am 28 years old and a medic in the U S Navy. And I absolutely hate what I do. All right. Well, that's a big thing. You figured out that you don't like something. That's a big thing. And you're able to say it out loud or at least send it into a podcast.

He goes, I've been in the Navy for four years now and I have become more and more miserable as the time has passed. Well, then don't re-up like you. I've always tried to do, tried my best at jobs, but even if I didn't like them, um, no, even if I didn't like them, but I recently, I am starting to not work as hard because I am so tired of being the only person that's trusted to get the job done. I am so overworked underpaid that I can't even write it all dealing with incompetent leaders, uh, to being treated like a child and not having most of freedom taken away from me. I just can't take it anymore. It's not like I can curse out my supervisor, even though I would love to. They treat me and other sailors like absolute shit, like we aren't humans, uh,

because we're a lower rank than them. Uh, that's never good leadership. Eventually your men will turn on you. Uh, there are a few easy ways to get out, but I wouldn't get the honorable discharge that I deserve. I only have a year left and I feel like things are really boiling over for me. I am dreading every single day. I don't booze or waste any of my free time because I am working on my plan for when I finally get out. I stay productive in my off time. I would just like your thoughts on my issue here. The Navy is constantly up my ass and is total control over me. How would you handle being stuck at your job you hate and can't quit? Please let me know. All right. Here's the deal, dude. You got a man up and do your last year.

All right. They didn't force you to sign up. You signed up. You put yourself in this position. Okay. And it's going to be this great life lesson. All right. You got one more year. Don't fuck this up. You were a medic in the Navy. Okay. There's, there's everybody respects that. That's always going to look good on a resume. All right. And you got a long fucking life ahead of you. And that's, that's just going to be a fucking a dishonorable discharge out of the Navy is going to be a fucking Albatross hanging around your neck. Unless all you want to do is get out of the Navy and sell used cars or fucking become a comedian because there's no background check in show business or selling cars as far as I know. Just tough it out, dude. Try to find the humor in

it. And I would just, I, you know, here's the thing. This is the thing. A year from now, you're not going to be in it anymore. And you're going to get an honorable discharge. And it's going to be the greatest fucking day of your life, your young life when you just walk away from that shit, or you can leave now in a year from now as you're sitting with that dishonorable discharge from the Navy that you're going to have for the rest of your fucking life, like a tattoo you can't remove. You're going to be thinking going, man, you know what, if I just toughed it out, I'd be getting out now. All right. You've done four fucking years. You got 80% of it out of the way. You're 20% way away from crossing the fucking finish line

and having a fucking beer and as many as you want. And none of those fucking cunts with more stripes on their shirt telling you what to do. You can fucking do it. You can do it. All right. I had jobs that I fucking ate it. I stuck it out so I could be a comedian. I didn't have anything like you. I wasn't married to it. I can't imagine what you're going through. But if you've been able to do it for four fucking years, I would actually do an even better job. I would make the Navy fucking beg me to stay. You should fucking crush it in the final year and get an absolutely glowing discharge and then just get the fuck out of there. Get the fuck out of there and like, oh my God, I can't, I'm like, I'm getting, I'm getting a fucking feeling of excitement as far as

like how you're going to feel. I wish I could know what that felt like. Actually, I do know what that feels like. I've had a couple of acting gigs that seem like they were never going to fucking end. I've left every acting job and every acting part, but there has been a few that I've been on where the shooting days got so fucking long. And you did so many days in a row that I just remember, you know what, and I would always look forward to when they were over. And what was funny was every time they were over, I always had a melancholy or a sadness. So I guess I don't know what that feels like because I still, I mean, I guess the difference is I do love what I do. So it is great. You served your country, honorable discharge. You now know that you don't want to be a medic in the

Navy. Boo, that's a great thing to have on the resume. Don't fuck that up, especially if you've been eating shit for fucking four years, you know, and they're going to give you the brass ring and you're going to fuck it up. Don't do that. Don't do, we only got a couple turns left. All right. My transgender significant other is never excited about sex help. All right. Now, I had my buddy look this up to make sure this was a real thing. Okay, this is a real thing. Hey, old saggy balls build. I'll have you know my balls are still high and tight. I'm a bisexual lady. Oh, God bless you. Who's been dating a trans man woman to man. Okay, for a little over six months. That's fascinating. So when did you when you met the

person where they already starting to trans, whatever you're supposed to say there. By the way, speaking of trans, how great is the trans am, you know, late 76.6 liter. I mean, the fucking, all right, let's stay focused here for a little over six months. We have been, we have a happy and healthy relationship and enjoy one another's company quite a bit. He gets along well with my family and friends and vice versa. And it has so far been the best relationship I've had in my adult life. All right. So what's the problem? Oh, look at there is just one problem. He never seems excited to have sex with me. We very rarely have sex. And when we do, he hardly lets me touch him. This is a huge problem for me because I'm very physical, physically

affectionate person. And I believe that being able to touch your partner is half of a sexual relationship. I have expressed this to him. I was going to say, you got to say something. You got to say something. I have expressed this to him before and I can see that he has made the effort to be more open, but he's still pretty closed off to me. Well, is he self conscious because he's going through this, this change? He's going through changes. Um, I've tried to be understanding and patient because I know that as a trans man, he's uncomfortable in his body. There you go. And likely uncomfortable sharing it with the other way. I already forgot which way he's going. Woman demand. All right, but I just can't help but feel a little starving

for a normal sexual relationship and affection. He sometimes makes me feel embarrassed for wanting more. Well, that's not fair to you. For example, we were on vacation and drove past a store called sexy stuff. Yes. With only one F sexy stuff, STUF. And I joked that we should go and get some fun vacation vibrators there. He responded, what makes you think that's a good idea? Oh boy. And continued to grumble about how stores like that are lame and not made for trans individuals. What should I do? I don't want to break up with him because we work so well together outside of this issue, but I'm just not satisfied with that portion of our relationship. Give a girl some advice. Also, your podcast keeps me sane. Thanks. Um, give me some advice. I mean, I don't know what

to do here. Um, I think you need to decide out of the fucking blue. You need to decide what's more important staying with this person. And, um, I mean, they can't help how they're wired if they're just a less sexual person than you are. I don't know. That's a tough one. Well, do you love the dude? I mean, I don't know what to tell you. This is something you have to decide on your own, but I think, uh, I know personally I can say that if there was, if I was with somebody that I loved and the sex life was not where it wanted to be, that there would be a distance, um, that would build up. Um, and it would be hard to not resent or just feel like you're being, I don't know, just shunned on some level. And I don't think you're being selfish if that's

how you feel. So I think, um, I mean, I don't know. You've sat down, you've talked to them about it, and I think judging by what he said about the sexy stuff, one F store, I think that there's a window of opportunity there where I think, um, you know, I can't imagine what that's got to be like, be one sex, but really identify with the other, the fucking thunder and lightning that's got to be going through your fucking brain, trying to make sense of your world. And then you're transitioning and then having people treat you and weird and all of that shit. They're probably going through a lot of stuff. Maybe you can talk to the person and see if this is a, they need to, like they just need time to get adjusted to their new body, I guess.

Um, I don't know. I mean, that's, that's outside my world as far as, you know, where I'm at, but, um, I was definitely with some women that weren't comfortable with their bodies and, you know, you just kind of have to go slow, I guess is what it is and be understanding and, uh, can't make any jokes. It's very sensitive type of thing. So I don't know if I helped you there, but, um, I think what you, the only thing you can do is try to help the person along and see if it's something that through therapy and talking that they're eventually going to get to an acceptable place for you. And if that seems like they can do that and they want to do it, then this is worth staying in. But if they're never going to do that, then you have a decision to make, which I can't make

for you. Um, that's it. But if they, just from what you wrote granted, as always, it's one person's side of the story. This person seems a little walled off and seems a little, uh, you know, like, why would you think that would be a good idea? It's a very, I don't know, because it'd be fun. I think that's very like walled off. Um, seems to go beyond actually, that seems, that's a very like highly emotional reaction to a stupid sex store. Um, so I don't know if you can drill through that fucking bedrock with a vibrator from sexy stuff, one F, uh, maybe you can get through, I don't know. Um, all right, underrated everybody having a lazy ass girlfriend. Okay. When they

under, under when there's a mountain of dirty dishes and shit sprawled all over the fucking living room, when there's a literal ass shape indent on the couch from this lazy broad watching eight straight episodes of whatever shitty chick flick she's into now, that's underrated. Uh, when the garbage is overflowing and the dogs got a piss, at least I know when I get home after busting my ass all goddamn week that she's way too fucking lazy to go out and get fucked by some other dick and that brings me peace. Oh my God. Wow. Yeah, that binge watching thing is, I've done that a few times. I haven't done it in years and, uh, I always feel terrible about myself afterwards. You know, when it's like 3 34 in

the morning and you're like, uh, don't watch another episode and Netflix just, it just keeps going. You just sit there and sit there and sit there. It's, uh, I don't know. All right. Well, the mask wearing hypocrite is signing off. Um, thank you to everybody for listening. And like I said, rest in peace. Uh, Peter Green, I have not listened to all your music and, uh, everything I have listened to. Mark Marin had a nice tweet about the passing of Peter Green and sent a link to this song, Albatross or something like that, which was, of course, beautiful piece of music and all that. And then, which got me to the link of his solo album, which, uh, I want to download, but I feel like because he just died, a bunch of newbies like

me are going to go to iTunes and then they're going to fucking make it like nine times the cost and price gouge the fucking thing. Now, if it was going to him and his immediate family, then that would be a good thing. But I kind of have a feeling it's going to go to index the windows of that round building up there and fucking Silicon Valley. Who knows, whatever, I'll buy the fucking album. Okay, that's it. Go fuck yourselves and, uh, get well soon, Mark Marquez. So I can see if you can run down fucking Fabio Quaterraro. That's it. I'll talk to you guys on Thursday.