Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-29-13

Episode Date: July 29, 2013

Bill rambles about airport ettiquette, online dating and being computer illiterate.

Hey what's going on, it's Bill Burr and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, July 29th, 2013. How you doing? I'm on the road right now. I'm currently in New Orleans and I brought all my podcast stuff with me. But of course, I was kidding. I went to summer school. I should have gone three out of the four years I went to high school. I should have actually gone all four years. But one year my math teacher gave me the D minus and then my senior year was kind of like, what's the fucking point? But for the record I should have gone four times all four years. And for those of you listening overseas, basically summer school, if you don't have it over there, is basically you fucked up so bad, they gave you ten months to get your shit together and evidently that wasn't enough for you. So no swimming, no biking, no experimental drugs for you and you have to go to fucking summer school.

So next week I will have a power cord here. I am in New Orleans right now and I'm starting my acting gig. I'm going to be here for the next couple, two, three weeks. So yeah, I hope these levels are all right. I don't know how to fucking adjust them on this garage band thing. That's what I'm recording in. It's the usual bullshit. I just don't get along with technology. I like to think I didn't start it. Maybe I did. Maybe I did start it by just, you know, you know what my problem was? I thought it was just a fad. I thought computers and this new technology and shit, I just thought it was something. I looked at it as an extension to video games. I looked at it as just a time sponge. I don't want to do that shit. I want to go out and go fucking do something, you know?

And, you know, I think we can say at this point that I was wrong. I remember when I was living with Bobby Kelly. Dude, check out my new laptop, dude. It weighs 47 pounds, dude. Back in 1995 or 96 or whatever the fuck we lived together and he just jumped all over that shit. And what was funny is I was smarter than Bobby Kelly in 1995. And 18 years later, he is way smarter than I am because there was just something right out of the gate that I just did not like about computers. I just didn't like it, you know? I remember back in high school when they had like the fucking piece of paper was coming out of the things and, you know, you had to, you know, what the fuck, computer programming?

I was just sitting there like, I would rather dig for fossils than fucking sit here another minute typing in run, enter, whatever the fuck we were doing. And it was, it was not fun on any fucking level. So anyways, I'm not going to lie to you. I mean, I wasn't ever really that smart, but I wasn't a fucking moron. But my lack of embracing computers, I feel like in an odd way I've gone from being literate to completely fucking illiterate. I get unbelievably frustrated with them. And you know what I do? You know what I do with my computer a lot? I grab it. I picked the fucking thing up and I hold it over my head like fucking Hulk Hogan when he's going to slam a chair against somebody's fucking sweaty back. And I bite my bottom lip. Now, I never do it because it costs so much fucking money, but I swear to God, one of these times, I just want to do it once, just one time.

Not that I know instantly I'll regret it, but I just, I apologize for the poor quality of this podcast. So I'm going to try to speak in regular speaking tones. I won't do my usual fucking with the microphone, which is my crutch to make this podcast remotely entertaining. And also I'm in a, I'm in a hotel room. And if those of you who's listened to my podcast for a long time remember when I was stuck in New Jersey during that fucking hurricane or whatever the hell was going on, I was a little too loud and security came. I don't feel like doing that. All right. It's one thing if I'm out on the road and I'm just doing a comedy gig who gives a fuck, right? I'm a, I'm a made guy in strip mall comedy clubs. So I can piss off the front desk, but as far as this act of shit goes, I'm a newbie.

So I don't feel like, I don't feel like, you know, screwing things up right out of the gate. So I'm going to try to behave myself as much as humanly possible. But I was also thinking, you know, I want to get better computers and I also want to. Does that sound dumb? Am I even saying that wrong? I want to be good computer. I want to do computer better. Complete shit head. You know, something, what does it say about you that you're actually fucking listening to this? You know, I don't know why you're listening to why at this point you really should hit stop and fucking delete it or whatever. But you know, I'm not here to tell you what to do.

So anyways, I'd like to become more proficient when it comes to the computer sciences. Is that all I'm supposed to say it gives a fuck. And also I would, I would like to quit dicking around on the computer. I found out the other day you need like 40, 50 hours. That's all you need 40, 50 hours and you'll know how to fly a plane. I mean, you got the classroom shit too, but as far as just like learning how to fly the fucking thing. Somebody told me the other day, I don't know, I was talking about the motorcycle license thing. I was gloating that I finally fucking got one.

And you know, it's, it's fucking hilarious as I'm actually afraid to go out and go ride a bike down the street. But whatever, I got one. I got him. I got, I got the fucking thing. So this person was telling me that they, that they had a pilot's license and how it's fucking cool thing to do. And I was like, how many hours? And he said, well, by 10 hours in, you can pretty much fly the fucking thing. He goes, obviously, you know, you could horrifically screw up, but you're proficient enough where you could get yourself up off the ground before you flew into the side of somebody's silo. But, uh, that I was just, that just has been sticking with me all week. That if I spent 10 hours doing that, I would actually, you know, if God forbid I was ever on some fucking doing some hell gig

where I'm flying one of those fucking planes, you know, in one of those planes with like the water skis. And the guy has a fucking aneurysm and I got 10 hours out of my belt. I could fucking crawl up there. You know, you don't be funny about that is you'd actually have to sit on the guy's lap. If it was a really cramped little ass plane with like the one seat and shit, you'd have to do that. You'd have to push through whatever your level of homophobia is, you know, depending, you know, depending if he had it on automatic pilot, which I don't even know if you had, do you have that option on one of those little fucking planes? What's the deal with planes? I mean, they just like cars where you can buy the Ford escort of planes.

Why the fuck would you do that? Hey, do you want the, uh, you want the rest proofing? That's fine. That's all. Just take it as I'll buy it right off the lot. Thank you. Um, vinyl interior. Anyways, so I was just thinking how much time I spend just wasting, you know, watching people getting kicked in the balls, all the porn I have to sift through to find something that even remotely turns me on at this point because I've watched so much of that fucking shit. You know, last porno I watched, I actually apologized to the three women that were in it when I was done. I swear to God, you know, I was just like, ah, Jesus Christ, what am I, I'm sorry, ladies. I'm sorry your dad didn't stick around. I, uh, it was just dreadful.

You know, whatever, you'll see it someday if I ever decide to run for president, you know, and if I don't fall in line, the fucking NSA will, hey, this is what he jerks off to. Um, anyway, you know, some, you know, it's pissing me off is the amount of people who aren't supporting that Snowden guy. I think there's a lot of people, I'm going to go out and live here and I'm going to say there's a lot of people that don't like it in spite on, you know, think it's completely unnecessary and think that, and view that Snowden guy as a whistleblower, not as some sort of traitor. But you, you just know that you can't say that, you can't say that shit on TV. And, uh, that's not a 9-11 thing. That's a fucking post-Vietnam thing.

I was thinking about that the other day where they had everybody was singing songs saying, you know, protesting against the war. I'm not saying whether it was right or not, but you could do that back then. And you didn't get that Dixie check treatment, you know, that shit where they were like, well, they had the right to sing it and we have the right to disapprove of it. It's like, yeah, yeah, you do say I didn't appreciate that fuck them. But when you take it to the level you try to systematically destroy their ability to earn a living, then, uh, you know, that's not tit for tat. That's like, hey, I threw a rock at you and you dropped the fucking bomb on me.

Hey, Bill, why don't you get to some topical material from this fucking decade? All right, sorry. Um, the hell was I talking, I don't even know what I was talking about. I got so self-conscious that I was somehow talking about the Dixie. Oh yeah, yeah, back in the day, you could, you could fucking, you know, you could say, you know, you could say things and it wasn't all tied into, you know, supporting troops and loving babies and being pro ice cream and against the terrorist. It's like, it's fucking, uh, it's really childish. It's really, really childish error that we're living in and it's gradually seeping into what it is that I do for a living,

where there's these complete, uh, nincompoops. Can I use that word? That are deciding to go to comedy shows and take jokes seriously. I mean, how old are you? I can't, I can't, um, what are you going to do next? Go to the circus and watch the clown hit another clown with a rubber hammer and that's promoting violence. He could get a concussion. No more rubber hammers at the circus and what the fuck is wrong when you grow up?

You know what I mean? I love how they think that like comedians have this, this fucking level of power that they're going to do a joke. Okay. And that people in the crowd are so fucking stupid that that's going to form their world view. You know, like if I did a joke that was like pro chopping somebody's fucking hand off. Are you really telling me that there's people out there that are so fucking stupid that they're going to walk into a comedy show? Before they walked in, they had no desire to do it and felt that doing that to another human being was a terrible thing to do. But then once I make a joke about it, all of a sudden there's going to be a bunch of people walking around chopping people's hands off because I joked about it.

It's unbelievably fucking childish and it's condescending and I don't know. I just keep seeing more and more of that type of shit. By the way, for people to get up in arms about some of those jokes, that one, because I don't want to feed the fire here, but you know that one topic that you're talking about also could happen to a man. You know, so I don't know why you feel like it's just yours. I was actually joking about that on stage. I'll burn the bit. One gives a fuck.

You know what it is? At least when it happens to them, people give a shit. If it happens to a guy, people literally think it's funny. They laugh. I remember when that dude got his dick cut off by his wife. He was cheating on his wife and she cut his dick off and she threw it in the garbage disposal and turned it on. And there was one of those shows that was ripping off the view. It's the one that has the Asian lady.

I don't even know if it's still on, but they were talking about it and they were snickering. You know what I mean? It was fucking funny to them. It's horrific if it was. They found humor in it. So, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore. Let's do a little advertising here.

I'm sorry about the clicking of the whatever this fucking button is called. I'm sure Bobby knows what it's called. I bet he has some, the latest one. Dude, I got the latest fucking Steve Jobs fucking space bot. Thank you. I said it. Bobby Kelly, smarter than me. We're actually doing a two-man comedy show off Broadway called Bobby Kelly, Smarter Than Me. It's kind of like a George Byrne Sunshine Boys type of thing.

By the way, Robert Kelly, if you guys were up in Canada, I heard he murdered it up at the Montreal Comedy Festival. All right, but enough about that cunt. Let's talk about the Dollar Shave Club, everybody. Dollar Shave Shave Club, it's a cool brand. I hate how they do this, has made me so much happier about shaving. No, it hasn't. Okay, it's fucking convenient. I totally recommend it.

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Okay, it's a complete rip-off. All right, they're snake oil salesmen. It's a little plastic piece of crap with, like, it's not even aluminum. I don't even know what it is in there. Okay, it's a piece of crap and they've been charging you an arm and a leg for it. Well, who's coming to the rescue Dollar Shave Club? All right, I want you to go out and try it. I dare you to try this product and tell me you're not satisfied with it.

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Well, put it on a cone, you fucking cunt. All right. Ah, sorry. Most of this rage has to do with the fact that I feel like an idiot that I didn't bring the power strip thing or whatever. It's not a power strip. The plug-in thingy that goes into the back of the doohickey. All right. So now you don't have to buy, you don't have to worry about buying, what do you call them?

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What the hell am I here? Oh, this is what I did before I came to New Orleans. I did the first leg of the Billy Red State tour with limited edition T-shirts. And these are limited editions. They're only going to be sold on the Red State tour unless I don't sell all of them, at which point they'll be available to everybody. You see that? That's called honesty and advertising.

But anyways, I went to Boise, Idaho, and then I drove up to Bozeman, Montana. It was like an unbelievably great seven, eight hour drive. Could have done it in six, but we were stopping along the way. Me and Lucas Sealy, a comedian I met back in the day when I used to do this guy's room Giggles Comedy Club that no longer exists, sadly. It was such a great club. And I loved that club owner, man. He was such a character.

You know, the first weekend I worked with this guy, he came out and gave me a shoebox full of like fives, tens, ones. Like it was my money for the week. It was thinking that I was just going to have that under my arm and go walk through fucking airport security and not look like a fucking, like I was dealing crack. You know, I still remember it was one of those boxes that you put baseballs in. And he had all, he had the piece of paper to say how many comps there were. He had all the information.

He had it in a shoebox and it looked like, it looked like he was trying to raise money for kidney dialysis, you know, or maybe he was playing the banjo on the sidewalk and everybody just threw money in there every which way. And I don't know, back then I hadn't read about banks. Today I probably would have taken it. I would have counted it out. I would have taken it. But then at the end of the day it's just a piece of fucking paper.

So anyways, but it was such a great room. And I had so many fun shows when I was there. And along the way I met, you know, a bunch of great comps. They had a great scene there in Seattle. I hope they still do. I haven't been there in a minute, but I met this dude, Lucas Sealy. So we did Boise, Idaho the first night, which was right on the campus of Boise State University. For some reason I didn't realize that that's where I was performing.

And it was phenomenal. I took video. I couldn't get into the stadium, but I was in the corner of the end zone. I saw a little bit of that iconic blue turf. And I know a lot of people from the bigger schools will give me shit for calling it iconic. Well, fuck you. All right. And you goddamn fucking, your school songs that all sound the same.

You know, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. The same guy right all of those fucking songs. And there was the only three that you know, right? The LSU when I recognized it when I hear it. You know, it's funny being down here in New Orleans. I keep forgetting I'm here. So every time I see an LSU shirt, I like light up. And I'm gonna be like, hey, LSU, huh? LSU?

I keep stopping myself from saying that. That'd be like in Boston. But hey, Red Sox, right? Red Sox? Oh, by the way, I'm slowly, I'm back into baseball. I don't know what happened. I just been on the road and I've been watching games and I've been watching like the, I've been watching the half nuts. You know, been watching the Royals,

been watching the Indians, who actually are the haves. They just can't hang, like, hang on to their guys. I've already given you that theory why they should have an Honorary World Series fucking trophy. You know, Phillies, the Yankees, the Red Sox. We all stole all of their fucking guys. Didn't steal them, but whatever, you know what it is. I use them as a farm team. It's bullshit.

I like them. I like the Indians. I like the Royals. I like the Pirates. I like the, the Devil Rays. They lost some points by calling themselves the Rays. That's another childish fucking thing. How old are you? Devil Rays. That's evil. That's gonna make kids evil. You know, why don't you just call them the Pussies? How about that? Would that be, you know, the Tampa Bay after you? Why don't you just call it that?

No, no, no, no, no. You, you eat the last slice. The, the, that's just, I don't know. The Tampa Bay, it was a pleasure meeting yous. Yous. Um, sorry. Anyways, let's get back to this shit. So I, um, both shows, I don't know what was, what got into me. I, I hadn't done stand up in a minute. I've been busy writing some other shit.

And, um, I did two of the long, I think the two longest sets I've ever done. I did like 90 minutes and I never do that. You know, cause I watched a committee one time, do two hours and I was sitting in the crowd and right at an hour, I started looking at my watch and by like an hour 25, my ass was falling asleep. So I apologized to people in Boise and Bozeman.

I was just having a great fucking time and I was really excited about coming up there. And, uh, it did not disappoint. That drive from Boise to Bozeman, Montana, you owe it to yourself to do that and go through. You know, you know what killed me is I didn't have the time, I didn't have the time to go see the Evil Canebel thing and I didn't have the time to go into Yellowstone, but you know, I kind of took this, uh, highway that went right along Yellowstone

and it was absolutely fucking beautiful. I saw wild horses, you know, granted they were on a reserve. I took a picture and you could see the fence, but they had a completely different fucking attitude than those horses that, you know, you go down and ride across a fucking street on, you know, um, they hadn't been broken. They still had the light in their eyes, you know, those other ones are like the ones, you know, in the fucking cubicles.

They're in the matrix, somebody on their fucking back, you know, the Mustangs though, you know, those are the guys, those are the guys, uh, they're off the grid. So anyways, I saw them and then there was, there was some place where you could look at bears. I love bears, but I'm, you know, I'm also not a moron. So two things, one, I don't want to see one that's wild and I don't want to see one in a fucking cage. I'll just watch them on TV and they had this,

they had the place where you could actually look at them and it was the worst fucking name. What would you do if you had a bear sanctuary? Just, just for me. What would you call it? I'll give you five seconds to come up with the name and I guarantee you it's better than what the fuck. They called it bear world.

You know, Jesus fucking, it was, is anybody creative in your fucking circle of business partners? We'll call it bear world. You know, there's bears and, you know, they're in the world, so bear world. I own a number of businesses. I sell yarn down the street, yarn world, yarn galaxy was, was a choice I was going to make. You fucking moron.

I couldn't even stop there. Bear world. You know, I should go in there and there should be somebody in a fucking bear suit. You know, except it's not a joke. He's actually trying to fucking pull it off like he really is a bear. You know, if you're dumb enough to stop off at a place called bear world. But I did have a good time in other places. I went to this, I stopped off at this diner.

It was actually a drive-in diner, like fucking happy day shit, but they weren't on roller skates and he could pull right up. But I still want, I went in, I wanted to see the, the place, you know, see the pictures on the walls and all that type of stuff. And I got a double cheeseburger there with tater tots and a root beer. And I have to tell you, set to man, it was fucking delicious. You know, it was even better. It was a high quality piece of greasy meat because I didn't feel sick afterwards.

I felt a little like, why the fuck did I do that? You know, as you're gonna when you do something like that. But I feel like they had a better quality burger than you usually find in some, you know, a place like that. I'm going to give them a shout out here. What the fuck was it called? It's called Frostop driving in Idaho. It's been open since 1965.

And I don't know if you ever wanted to just drive up and not have to get out of your car and consume 4,000 of the most delicious fucking calories you ever had in your life. I highly recommend them. It was tremendous. And I'm a big fan of root beer. I love it, but I don't fuck with soda because, you know, I know what it does to you. But that's, you know, every once in a while when I hit the crack pipe, that's what I get. I get one of those fuckers.

I either get one of those or if I can get one of the out in LA, they have the orange crush that actually has real sugar in it. And it tastes like the shit. When it first came out in the late 70s, orange crush, like put you in a better mood. That's how good it fucking tasted. Ah, Jesus, those were the fucking days. You know, no stress, no bullshit. I had a fucking paper root, right?

I've had a job since I was in the third grade. I was just thinking of that the other day. I had that paper root from third grade to ninth grade to the point it was getting weird, you know, like my voice was changing. And I'm like, hey, I don't hear me 260 for the week. What was it for the week? $7. $7.25.

No, no, no, it was like 260 for the week. And then if it was three weeks, I remember it'd be like $7 in some sense. And I would be nervous that the dad was going to answer and be fucking pissed. I still remember this time this person owed me $11.25 or something. I finally got him when they were home. They were just never fucking home. And I finally got him and the guy actually laughed. I still remember it.

He had this wood stove and he had the fucking thing cranking and it was freezing out and I was collecting. I always hated collecting. I've always been such a fucking loner. It's probably why I do this podcast by myself. I just like the delivering of the fucking papers. I loved it. Riding my bike, talking to myself. You know, I used to ride around my bike and I would be doing fucking Carl and Pryor bits

that I had memorized pretending I was doing in front of the class. And I was still too fucking stupid to realize that that meant that I wanted to be a comedian. I was a moron. Anyways, I still remember that. $11.25. My bill for the week was like, I don't know, like $18 maybe. And I got $11.25 off of this house and I had like 30 something customers. So I was fucking rolling it.

You know, I didn't have a mortgage. You don't have a mortgage and you don't have rent and you don't have a woman in your life. And you got like 22 bucks, right? You don't have a fucking car. You're a millionaire. So I went up to the local store. What did I do? I invest my money.

Did I save it up? No, I went down there and I bought a bunch of football cards and a fucking giant orange crush. And I sat right on the store, opened all of them, sticking a fucking, that awful piece of gum that always tastes like shit. But you just, you had to put it in there. It was more sugar. Just shoved that thing in my fucking mouth. It was like covered with like, it's like, it's like someone was plastering a wall. You know that shit when it comes down and gets in your eyebrows and shit.

That's what was like on the gum. I just sat there. That's all I did. It was like one of the great fucking days of my life. So every once in a while, if I find an orange crush and it actually has the real sugar, you know, that sensory sense memory shit. I fucking drink that goddamn thing and I'm back out in front of that store. Nobody's fucking with me.

It's just me and my little bicycle. Oh, a little Billy red freckle face. Anyways, the fuck am I talking about? Oh, you know what I did? I came up with a good nickname for Lucas Sealy, everybody. Lucas Sealy, you know, you're driving a car with somebody for fucking eight hours. You just start talking about everything. And he was talking about playing high school football and everything.

And I don't know why I just started thinking of Chris Berman. What Chris Berman would call him. And I came up with his Chris Berman nickname of, what was it? Lucas, now you Sealy. Now you don't. And I was doing, I know it's corny, but it was great in the car ride because I was doing the whole thing with Chris Berman. Going, now you Sealy. And then I was doing Tom Jackson yelling, now you don't.

And then I would do that. Like he just made a fucking move. And we were, we were having the time of our fucking lives. I swear to God, I wish all you guys could just do something on the road once. You gotta fucking do it. You know, why don't you just accidentally like do something to the building that you're working? You know, not crazy. Just fucking make, make one of the shit pipes, you know, the pipe where the shit goes out.

Just fuck that thing up. That's some OSHA shit. There's no way you'd have to come in. Ah, what could you do in a day though? I don't know. I drove from Boise to Bozeman. Hey, you know what? It's your fucking life.

I don't have time to figure it out. You guys figure it out. Um, what the hell am I talking about here? So anyways, trying to look here. Oh, so I'm in New Orleans and I'm going to try to be a good boy when I'm down here. I'm going to try to not drink, stay away from Bourbon Street and all those fucking animals down there that tits out. I'm walking around with this sunburned fucking areolas. I don't want to look at that shit.

I'm too old for it. I can't do it anymore, you know. Um, oh wait, I didn't finish telling the story. So I went all the way up. I know. I'm all over the map. Fuck you. All right.

Um, once again, sorry for the clicks here. I have to see where I'm at. 31. How can you hear those people in the hall? Oh, you know, I was staying, when I was in Boise, I was tired of shit. I was staying in this, when I stayed, I stayed in the western and the best western. I didn't know what the fuck it was. And it's one of those things that looks like a hotel, but it's not a hotel, but it's not a motel.

It's kind of a little bit of both. It's like you're inside, but I don't know. It's just kind of flimsy doors and like the other side went out. You know, one side goes to the hall. The other side is a glass door that they have these flimsy curtains and you open it up in the fucking pools there. So I'm tired and all I want to do is just take a nap before the fucking show. And there's a bunch of kids in the pool, you know, playing games and screaming and yelling and shit. And, you know, which I can tolerate.

Um, but they started running up and down the halls. You know, how you're excited as a kid, your hotel pool and all that shit, you run everywhere you fucking go. I swear to God. By the time like the fucking ninth kid ran down the hall, I was having these fantasies of quickly opening the door and just clothes lining one of these kids. And, you know, it's one of the reasons why I probably should never be a father because I really violent thoughts like that. Um, you know, I had one at the airport. And I'll sit that flew Alaska Airlines up to Boise and, uh, they didn't offer that sky cap service. You know, so I had to go into the airport with all the animals.

Okay. Life is all about making enough money so you can buy your way out of the, out of the pig pen. You know, when you go to the airport, the pig pen is right in the other side of that fucking glass. If you have a, if you have a bag that you're checking. But even then, even if you, even if you just have a carry on, you're going to have to deal with how fucking stupid people are. You're just going to have to deal. You're going to be standing behind somebody and you're just going to have to deal with how fucking stupid they are. So I would rather, you know, just fucking pay, just stand in the fucking line outside, have this guy.

Hey, how are you, Mr. Burr? How's it going? It's going great. Tip of the hat is fucking a bunch of, you know, here's some money. Good for you. You know? Thank you. He is a great fucking tip for keeping me out of the pig pen.

God bless you. That's how I look at it, right? So I show up Alaska. They don't have, you know, they don't offer that. What's right there is a fucking red flag. It's like, okay, you can't afford to pay those guys. You know, you're going to have enough gas in the plane. You're going to have it on half a tank the whole way up trying to make it up your fucking dicks.

So anyway, so I walk in there and it's just a complete, I'm actually writing a blog about it. It's really dark and evil and I'm going to put it up on all things comedy. I'm going to finish it in the next couple of days or so, but long story fucking short is it's a complete cluster fuck when you go in there and they have one employee, they have two lines, they have one employee for every, for two lines, you know, one employee's working like two lines and everybody's huffing and puffing, looking at their watches, wondering why it's taking so fucking long. And then when they get up there and it's their fucking turn, they're not ready to go.

They're like Thurman Thomas. They don't have the fucking helmet. They're in the huddle without their fucking helmet. And I swear to fucking God, I swear. And then what I do is I just start muttering every fucking curse word, every fucking curse word I can put them. Someone's always looking at me like, like, I'm like, I'm the fucking guy who has the problem.

These fucking idiots, they'll stand, they'll stand like in a security line, shaking their heads about how fucking long it's taking. And then when they get up there, when it's their moment, they're not ready to go. Let me help you guys out here. Not all of you, but just for the fucking morons. Okay? And you should really take that as an insult. If someone as dumb as me calls you a fucking moron.

When you stand in in line, okay? You have all this fucking time to take off all the shit that you're going to have to take off. If you've got a jacket, just shove it in the pockets. Zip them up. You got your watch in there. You got your loose change. You got all your fucking metals in there.

Okay? You can undo your belt. That's ready to go. You know? Have your shoes ready to slip off. Mentally think, how many bins do I need? Okay? Fucking have a game plan.

You get up there. You grab the bins you need. You fucking put them flush up with the person in front of you. You put all your shit in them. And when the person moves up in front of you, you fucking move your shit too. All right? And that would cut down so much eye rolling in your fucking life standing in those lines. You know what?

This is just a waste. It's a waste of time. It's a waste of fucking time because people aren't going to get it. They're not going to get it. They stand in line and these fucking TSA guys go over and over and over. If you have any liquids, if you have a laptop, if you have shoes, if you have this, tent is up, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they say it 900 times and it drives me fucking nuts.

I used to hate them for saying it 50 times, going, Why the fuck do you keep saying that? And then I just watched people in front of me. Is it okay to have toothpaste and a big gulp? What? I took off one shoe. Is that okay? Like that shit?

I actually have empathy for them though. This is nothing too. When you go to these small mom and pop airports like the one I flew out this morning in Bozeman, Montana, it was so small, my fucking map app, whatever the fuck you call it, the Steve Jobs map app, it couldn't even find it. It took me to somebody's house. Oh, you want to hear a cursing. When the sun's coming up over those beautiful mountains, you know,

people probably thought they had a bear in their front yard. That's how fucking upset I was. Anyways, let's just get back to some happy shit. So we drive up to Bozeman, Montana, and it's fucking absolutely gorgeous. And I actually promised them that I wouldn't tell them how nice it was so people wouldn't go up there. So I broke my promise. I apologize to the people up there, but it was fucking beautiful. So I have to say, it was fucking gorgeous.

And I ended up doing an hour and like 40 minutes. So if your ass fell asleep, I apologize. I won't be doing that. I usually try to keep it to about an hour and hour and 10 minutes. I broke the cardinal rule of leaving them wanting more. But there was something about the crowds like I felt like, you know, they were psyched that I made the trek up there. So I did an extra long show and I was psyched to be up there and I played two really, really cool theaters. And I'm definitely going to come back.

I didn't sell out either one, which of course I love because that motivates me. All right, now I got to get this area. That's like what the South used to be for me. I couldn't fucking, you know, I couldn't sell any tickets down. I just kept going and going and going and going. So I'm hoping the word of mouth will will spread out that way. The very least, they'll look at the red state tour and be like, you know, the t-shirt, wonder who the fuck that is. And hopefully I can come back and do it again.

But because right now I'm supposed to be in Deadwood, South Dakota. And I would have had the experience of driving all the way across Montana into South Dakota, which is something I really want to do. And oh, last week, speaking of motorcycles, evidently, that's the fucking place to ride a motorcycle. I've never seen so many motorcycles in my life and pickup trucks and trailers. I was saying to Lucas, like basically that if I think up there, if you if you don't have a four door pickup truck with a trailer and some sort of fucking dirt bike or four wheeler on the back that you, you know, I think you get gay bashed up there, right? Isn't it? Anyways, all right, let's let's do a couple more ads and we'll get into your letters for this week. What the hell is it?

Sorry about the clicking. Sorry about the clicking. Okay. Legal zoom, everybody. Most Americans don't have a will. But why? That's really stupid to not have a will. Because, you know, people are going to have loved ones fighting over it and the government comes in, takes your stuff.

Bill, why don't you just read the copy? You don't have a law degree. You know what? You're right. I'll go with you on this one. You don't want the government. You don't want the government. You don't want government rules, Jesus, dictating what happens to your property and minor children.

Oh, Jesus, you got to put your kids in there, too? I leave my, my daughter to my sister. So why procrastinate? Most people say too expensive or too time consuming. My answer to that people is LegalZoom.com. Too expensive. You're going to love LegalZoom's reasonable prices. Too time consuming, you say?

Most people finish the online process in just 20 minutes. And we're not talking some fill in the blank form here. That's not what we're talking about. Your will is state specific and personalized based on your information. Best of all, LegalZoom has 12 years of experience helping people with important legal matters. It's National Make a Will Month. Sorry. It's National Make a Will Month, everybody.

Energy. So don't wait any longer. Go to LegalZoom.com today and get 15% off your last will. But this offer ends soon. Your last will? Yeah. You're only going to die once. Whatever.

Anyways. Or get a living trust and you'll receive a poor over will absolutely free. To get your special discount offer, be sure to enter Burr in the referral box at checkout for wills, powers of attorney, trust and more. Go to LegalZoom.com. LegalZoom can provide self-help service, but at your specific direction. Or connect you with an attorney, but they are not a law firm. This is actually something that really isn't a joke.

I've had so many friends die in and out of this business. And obviously, they were too young to go. So a lot of them didn't have wills. Some did. Some didn't. And the ones that did, it was one less thing to worry about. So if you've got people you care about, you really should do it. Okay.

That's the end of my little left turn there. All right. Hulu Plus, everybody. I'm sure you've tried hulu.com, but I want to tell you about Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you watch thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere, streaming on your TV or on the go with your smartphone or tablet. Why stand in line or ride a train and just stare at your feet? Why do that?

You could be watching your favorite shows on Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus is a great way to binge watch your favorite shows. I missed, what am I saying? Didn't, what are they doing here? Why are you telling me that I'm going to catch up on this shit? Stop writing shit for me to say here. I like Hulu Plus. Okay.

I think you should get it. I want to get it. You don't need to have me make up stuff about stuff I'm not watching. Anyways, on Hulu Plus, if you ever decide to, if I ever decide to watch all of Lost, Hulu Plus is the place for all that. You know, I just realized, I have to apologize to Hulu Plus. They're just using this as a jump off point. I'm supposed to put in the shows that I'm watching on Hulu Plus.

I'm like an idiot. I'm taking this literally. See, this is why I didn't come up with Hulu Plus because I'm a moron. But the people at Hulu Plus, they are not. It's only $7.99 a month. $7.99 for all the shows and movies you can watch. What more do you want? Do they got to show up and just give you a TV or a smartphone?

Catch up on current shows. Binge on all your old favorites and catch a great movie. You can do it all at Hulu Plus. Right now, you can try Hulu Plus for a couple of weeks for free. On me, when you go to my podcast page, billburr.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner, or go to huluplus.com slash billburr. Please make sure you use the huluplus.com slash bill so you get an extended free trial. And so that they know that I sent you.

It helps us. That's what I'm going to do now instead of stuttering. I'll just slow down the sentence. It helps us keep up the lights. What? It helps us keep the lights on and gives you a better deal. One more time for the extended free trial, huluplus.com slash bill. All right.

Is that it for the reads for this week? I think we got one more. We'll space it out. Okay. Here we go. Oh, by the way, I want to talk about something else here. People keep... Oh, by the way, that topic, I actually just write out topics like I'm making a set list

of shit I want to talk about. I tried to write down airport etiquette. And before you laugh at me, write it down on your post-it there. Etiquette's one of those words I've used a zillion times and I've read it. Not a zillion times, as you can tell. I don't read that much, but I probably read at least five or times. You'd think it would stick in my fucking hard drive at that point. I tried to spell etiquette.

I knew I didn't know how to spell it. So I thought, all right, I'll just give it a shot and I'll be in the vicinity and the computer will be like, oh, are you trying to spell this? I spelled etiquette, E-D-I-C-A-T-E. And other than underlining it and read, the computer had nothing. Had no... Didn't even say, like, ate a cat or something, you know? Etiquette, E-T-I-Q-U-E-T-T-E.

All right? Oh, two things. I had a question. I'm in New Orleans. Does anybody know of a rehearsal space out here where I can play drums? You know, they have drums already set up and I can just rent something, you know, something reasonable. Let me know. Because there's a lot of downtime when you do these things.

So, and I don't want to be getting in trouble, you know, becoming billy, po-boyy, fat face down here because of all the delicious seafood that they stick in a fry later. And it tastes awesome. This fucking city is great. But it's going to give you a heart attack if you stay here for three weeks. So I'm trying to, you know, I went to the supermarket. I bought some nannies and apples. I'm trying to get a fridge in here.

I got to do something. Oh, by the way, somebody, you know, somebody sent me something that was saying, shaming fat people. Fat shame does not work. But you know what? I actually had a couple of people that said I've actually motivated them. I had this guy today. It actually made my day. This guy said, listen to the podcast, you know, and he took the good ribbing that I was giving

fatties out there and he started eating one giant salad a day and working out doing whatever hell he was doing. The guy went from like 220 something or 230 something. Then he's down to 169. 169. So bravo to you. That made me feel great to read that tweet. And, you know, who knows, this could turn into a great show.

You know, I'll do my biggest loser except I won't be nice. I'll just sit there. I'll come out like a comedian. I'll just have a microphone. I'll just trash it every day. I'll just sit there making fun of you. That would be too mean. I'd start off making.

I do it in a tough love way. Jesus Christ. What channel would that be? How high up on the fucking dial would that be? Right there. No network is going to touch that. Nobody on the channel 700 would fuck with that. Maybe I'll just do it on my, I'll do a web series.

I'll do it on my own website. A freckled face production. All right. Here we go. Letters for the week. Serbian love. Look at this. See that?

You start learning capitals around the world. You start getting, uh, you start getting letters from people. This is great. I love when I get, uh, letters from people from countries I've never been to. Serbian everybody. Do you know what the capital is? I knew it two weeks ago, but I haven't done it in two weeks. It's new knowledge.

What the fuck is it? That's not Bratislava, is it? I'm an asshole. I'm sorry. Yeah. The Serbs eat the Brats. That's how I remembered it. Bratislava, I think.

I don't know. Hey, Billy Hill. I like that. Benny Hill. Um, there's this girl who lives someplace around my place. I like this guy. He's being nice and vague. This sounds scummy already.

I like you, sir. Um, I don't know where, but I see her around every so often. Oh, you just don't know where she lives. I thought you were saying, Hey, there's this chick. She lives somewhere around my place. I don't want to get into it, but let's just say she sucked my dick. In an establishment that had a roof where you wouldn't get wet if it rained. Um, the problems are number one, I'm 15.

It sucks. No, it doesn't do. It's great to be 15. It's great to be 15. You know, you got a lot of freedom. Um, and so is she. Okay. So what's the problem?

Jesus Christ. What do you want to do with this girl? He goes, we just finished elementary school in Serbia and we used to go to separate grades. And number two, I think I love her. She's really smart, beautiful and funny, the usual. And me looks wise on a scale of one to 10. I'm slightly above five. Jesus, come on, man.

All right. First of all, my first piece of advice is sit up straight when I'm reading this to you. Come on, man. I'm going to build you up by the end of this. Um, five feet out tall and I like to waste my time listening to a 40 year old pasty fellow who complains about his big head and overpopulation. My problem is we haven't ever had the chance to properly introduce ourselves to one another. I sometimes see her on the tram and wave to her just to make sure she acknowledges my existence.

That's good, dude. You're in the game. You got your uniform on. You got your foot on the top step of the dugout. You're not in the batter's box yet. You're not even on the on deck circle, swinging the two bats, but you're there. All right. I like this.

Okay. You're making positive moves here. Okay. So he goes, I want to ask her, I want to ask her on a date, but I don't know her yet. Can you tell me what to do? Greetings from Serbia. Come over sometime so that we can kidnap you. Hey, was that the place where, uh, did that place used to be, uh, the, the,

the country that Clinton bombed because he stuck that cigar in that girl's twat? Sorry about that. You know, wouldn't that be fucking ridiculous? I go over there and I take an ass kicking for Bill Clinton. You know, I just think the fact that my name is Bill, that, that, that right there, that would be enough for them. But anyways, all right. So what is your problem?

You want to ask her out on a date? Well, you wave to her. This is what I think. You can't just wave to somebody on the tram and then just getting their grill and ask them out. You know this, you got to like, cause you kind of know her. You know what I mean? Look, if you just meet a girl on the train, you meet a girl on the train.

This is what you do. This is what I used to do. I would wait for somebody to do something, like some crazy person to get on and they would do something fucked up. I would hope that that would happen because I didn't have game to just walk up and start talking to somebody. But in New York, somebody always did something fucking weird. And then that, you know, there's that moment where somebody's doing something fucked up

that strangers look at each other like, are you fucking kidding me? And that's like an opportunity to kind of maybe say something funny if you sit next to him. He's sitting across from him. I didn't have sitting across from you game. Who's kidding him? I didn't have a lot of game. What the fuck are you asking me?

Um, all right. What would I do here? All right. So you're doing that. Why don't you, uh, why don't you properly introduce yourself? Start chatting with her, you know, and don't introduce yourself, tipping your hand like you're going to ask her out like, hello, my name is Lawrence, Serbia, junior, uh, you know, getting down on one knee.

Just say what's up to her. Shoot the shit with her and make a fucking laugh. You know, you got to, you got to get yourself in her world. You know, who knows? She could be on the other side of that train, go, why is that cunt just waving at me? You know, why doesn't he come over here? Doesn't he know that I'd like to, uh, go to the Serbian Cineplex if it still stands up?

I was just picturing a bombed out movie theater that's like sort of a drive-in, but also has seats. Uh, I'm sorry. I am the ugly American right now. You know what? Because you wrote me to me, I'm going to try and learn a little bit more about your country. Is that over there near, uh, Bosnia and in Herzegovina, huh, Slovenia, El Jubilje, whatever the fuck it is.

I don't know. I'm not going to lie to you. Uh, I'm going to be honest. Eastern Europe scares me for that exact reason. There's, there's, uh, I did, you know what they should do rather than just showing you like they should in a, in a geographical way show you where all the countries are. And then also in everybody's country, they should, they should have kidnap countries, cool countries, cool, but it's not worth going.

Uh, and this place sucks or whatever. You know what I mean? They should group them up like that, you know, could get kidnapped here. You could have, uh, weed, you know, you could have your boogie board stolen and replaced with weed. And now you're going to get fucking put to death. Where's that? In Bali.

Um, I don't know. That's what I would do. I think it's great that you're actually, uh, you know, waving to this girl and everything. This is a great thing about women. They're all right with you. If you're a five, if you have a personality, okay? If you're a, you know what's great thing about being a five is you weed out all the stuck up cunts because they're not going to fuck with you because you're a five and

they're, you know, they're materialistic. And like cunts, when they're in their teams, how they're materialistic because nobody really has money at 15, they're materialistic with looks. And as they get older, what it ends up being is they, you know, those cunts end up going for the fives, the bald fat guys, but they're going after their money. So this is the deal. You're a five, you're probably not, I bet you're like a strong seven, if not an eight. All right.

I think you'd be too hard on yourself. All right. So what am I trying to say here? If you're an average looking guy, your chances of meeting a sweetheart are much higher. If you're the good looking guy, the quarterback on the team or the fucking playing soccer, whatever the fuck you do over there, you know, it's like you're a celebrity. You don't know which cheerleader is going to blow your first and they're just, yeah, you don't know what's going on.

You know, but you have, you are actually, you have the kind of looks where you can actually sit there and from a distance fall in love with somebody and pine for somebody and wave to them on the train and then be like, oh, why did I say something? You know what? Fuck this. You think you're going to marry this girl? This is the, this is the one. You walk up to this girl and you could, you, you get all your fucking awkward shit out

of the way. Learn how to talk to a woman with this woman. Okay. Keep those skills sharp because one day, you know, when you do meet the love of your fucking life, not saying this girl isn't, but if you do, you won't be writing a dumb fuck half a world away. All right. Hope that helped you out.

All right. Last week, I talked about tattoos, people who have inspirational sentences written on their rib cage. That's what I love when it's on the fucking rib cage where they can't even read it. It's like, that's clearly for the rest of us. Yes. You've learned this lesson and it's so important to you that you have to turn yourself into a fucking posted.

All right. Now I got a lot of, a lot of emails about this, a lot of people like defending their paragraphs. You know, some people saying, look, I had hope written on my arm. And if I didn't, if I didn't see that every day that I, I, I, that I would have forgot, you know, I might be a moron. I just don't understand why you just can't write that down on a post. I have a post it right here. Right on the, this is what I have.

Eat healthy, practice drums, no booze, have fun, giant salad every day if possible for dinner. Okay. Post it right on the mirror, wake up in the morning. There it is. And it's just, it's game plan. I don't even have that written on my fucking rib cage. But then there was other people though, you know, somebody had like never forget.

And they, they were fighting over an Iraq and they lost a bunch of their buddies over there. I'm not talking about that shit. Okay. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about that stitch in time saves the fucking book. But the boo, you know, it's not always the, the Rook that queens the night. Sometimes it's the pawn, whatever the fuck, you know, that dumb shit.

So yeah, I got a lot. And I got a lot of emails from women with feet tattoos that no longer want to listen to the podcast. Don't take the jokes too seriously people. See, this is the classic thing. Why you can't take jokes seriously. You can't do it because people are selfish. That person with the foot tattoo, they laughed about all the fat fuck stuff.

Unless they're fat fuck too. Then they'd have a fat foot and a whole, they could have a whole mural put on their chubby foot. All right. This is, this is a, this is an email from a tattoo artist. He said, Bill, just heard your podcast where you talk about assholes getting their favorite poem Bible verse or inspirational quote tattooed on them. I've been tattooing for 25 years.

And let me tell you, this is the worst trend in tattooing yet. We all hate doing this shit. I imagine he's talking about the tattoo artists at our shop. We call the customers that want this, that want this crap skin poets. The tattoos suck to do. It's like a school assignment and they don't fit the shape of the body very well. We get a lot of those spiritual yuppie fucks coming in and wanting something they saw on a Tiger Woods poster.

Oh, what? Like just do it. No fear. What are some of those dumb ones they have? I hate those fucking things. You know, 24 seven. You know, I hate those things unless a little kid's wearing them. Then they're fucking hilarious.

I saw a little kid he had a shirt on that said play me or trade me. And I thought it was fucking hilarious. But yeah, if you're an adult and you got to walk around with this is what I do on your t-shirt. I don't know. Anyways, he says he continues. He says you really want to read the same paragraph over and over. I think it all started with Megan Fox.

I guess she has shit written on her. He said I missed doing butterflies down by the ass crack. Love the show. Play it for the wife sometimes and go see we all like to go fuck yourself. Dude, this guy literally did not use any spaces. Whatever. I read it well enough. That's from a tattoo artist.

Tattoo artists don't like doing it. They call you skin poets. So whatever. There you go. Skin poets. All right. And I'm not talking about, look, you know, if your dad died and you got something on, not talking about that shit.

All right. I'm talking about where you got to have some sort of, you know, something deep, man. That's like, I don't know. You know what I'm saying. I'm too dumb to fucking even say what I already said. All right. Bill, this is from New Zealand, I believe. This is great.

This says you're the only ginger I do. Hey, Bill, I'm a 31 year old girl from New Zealand. Hey, say what's up to Phil Rudd for me, will you? Anyways, I stumbled across you on YouTube a while ago and I began listening to you in the car. I like to drive along cracking up like a nutcase over the shit you say while other drivers look at me and wonder why I'm stoned. Well, this is why I do the podcast and also to my kids. She says, I got my husband and kids hooked on you too.

No need to pay me for the publicity. Well, I hope they're not listening considering you just told, you said you'd fuck me. I'm sure you're just joking, right? There you go. Just in case you're getting fucking, in case your husband plays for the all blacks, you know, just gave you a fucking soccer knee to the face. Or is that rugby? Are they rugby?

I don't know. I also want to share with, I also want to share with you the fact that you are the only Fanta pants. I never heard that. I have ever wanted to bang. So feel special. Sweetheart, do you realize how fucking condescending this is? You know, as you said out there on that fucking island in the middle of goddamn nowhere on the

half of the planet that doesn't do shit on the other hemisphere? When was the last time anybody from that hemisphere did anything? Jesus, how many people am I pissing off right now? This has nothing to do with that hemisphere. It has to do with this. Like I should feel fucking, why are you acting like I put out a personal ad and said no one ever fucked me before? So feel special.

What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't understand this new, it's happened since I started doing this podcast where all these like, this red, I don't know if it was underground hatred of redheads or everybody watched that South Park episode, you're a bunch of hacks and you're fucking stealing off of their jokes, but I've had a tremendous fucking life. It's really, I never, you know, I guess when I was younger, when I had orange hair, you know, I felt like a fucking freak and I took the beat downs. You know, once you were an adult, what the fuck?

Sweetheart, I don't need sympathy pussy from half a fucking world away. All right? Go fuck yourself. I should feel privileged. I don't even know what the fuck you look like. Do you know what kills me too about this fucking redhead hatred shit? The amount of fucking people that come up to me and I'm not even a good looking guy, I'm better looking than they are.

I'm embedded. I have a fat fuck, man-titted brown-haired dude coming up to me, giving me shit about having fucking red hair. It's like, dude, have you looked at yourself? How many fucking mirrors do you need to look at yourself? You tub of shit. Look at your fucking nose. You know?

Fucking shark fin in the middle of your goddamn face. I got a great nose. I have a nice jaw. I have beautiful blue eyes. I like myself. That's all I need. All right, lady? I don't need to go to New Zealand to get some fucking on-the-side married pussy.

Jesus fucking Christ. Anyways, I had to stop reading that. Yeah, that's another thing too. You're good looking for a redhead. And I just want to say, you know what? You're not that good looking for a person. Yeah, I'm fine with how I fucking look. So you guys, you don't need to have sympathy.

I'm fucking doing great. All right? Thank you. Thank you for trying to cheer me up with bestowing your sacred pussy on me from the other hemisphere. That's unreal. She lives in a country Australia makes fun of. Okay? She should be happy if a fucking warthog climbs up her goddamn stairs.

They have warthogs out there? Anyways, all right, let's put our head here. Aggressive douche. Hey Bill, I've been with my wife for six years and we've been married for one. Congratulations. He said, when we first started dating, a guy she knew turned up drunk on her doorstep professing his love for her. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus.

Wow, he said I wasn't mad. She's great and I couldn't blame him. Well, look at you having the empathy. I would just be looking like Jesus Christ is bad enough when they bring up an exit dinner. Forget about if the guy shows up at your house. Was he out there like John Cusack with a boombox over his head wearing a fucking trench coat? Don't you forget about me. What was that song?

I never saw that say anything. I think I saw part of it. I've always been bored with the love story. There's something wrong with me. Anyways, this means we've been... Wait, wait, wait, wait. I screwed up here. Oh, she's great and I couldn't blame him.

He goes on to say he was dating her friend at the time, though. And they are now engaged. Oh, so he went from your now wife to banging your now wife's friend and then realized that he had a better thing. Oh, Jesus, look at that. Fucking steamboat. Oh, the sunburn tourist down there. The little po-boys and fucking local. The IPO, IPA, whatever the fuck that is.

All right, we get it. You're on a Tom Sawyer boat. Who gives a fuck? That's kind of nice. I shouldn't get mad at that. That gives a... Maybe you guys thought I was lying. That was actually in my house.

And I misplaced the court. There's no fucking steamboats. You know how many times I've been here and I just found out that that's the Mississippi River? I knew that the Mississippi River emptied out into the Gulf here, but for some reason I thought it was on the western side of the state. I don't know. Anyways, let's plow ahead. So anyways, he was dating her friend at the time, though. And now they are engaged.

This means we've been for drinks with this couple a few times and they came to our wedding. Oh, my God. You didn't put the kibosh on there? Oh, that's hard though, right? Because that's the ex, but he's with her friend. Oh, God. You gotta elope. That's the way to do it.

Anyways, he goes, I'm pretty laid back. So I've been polite. It was six years ago. Now over the last year, he started liking her photos on Facebook, pestering her when she's out with the girls. Oh, no, dude. And trying to message her on Facebook. He must know she would tell me all this. So he did.

Wait, he must know she would tell me all this. So does he mistake my politeness for weakness? Absolutely he does. He has a good woman already and I don't want them to break up. Do I punch him in the face or smile as he ogles my wife? Thanks and go fuck yourself from some dude. No, dude, you need to address this situation. Yeah, you gotta have a talk with the guy.

Oh, but wait, but they're friends. This is what you do. All right, this is one of these confrontations you gotta have in a public place. Tell me you want to go out and have a beer or grab a sandwich or something like that. And go out and just sit down. Ask him how he's doing and all that type of shit. And just say, listen, you know, me and my wife are good friends with you guys. And I'd like it to stay that way.

Would you like it to stay that way? At which point he's like, yeah, absolutely. He's already gonna know what the fuck you're getting at. And just say, listen, I need you to stop, you know, contacting my wife on Facebook. All right, you want to hang out as a couple? You know, go out and get some wine, eat some cheese, tell some fucking stories. That's fine. But, you know, other than that, you know, you need to back off.

Okay. And I'm asking you this one time politely. I'm not saying anything to anybody else. I'm just telling you man to man. Okay. And, you know, what the fuck's he gonna do? He can't go home and tell his wife that. You know, that he's been, you know, stalking your wife.

He can't do that. And, um, and make it even more uncomfortable and tell him that my wife knows that I'm here saying this to you too, by the way. So then it's, that's, it's just a closed thing. All right. You got to nip that in the butt because that is, that is the beginning of a creepy movie. If you know what I mean, you know, I'm actually, I actually got nervous halfway through that, giving you that advice. That's why I was saying get into a public place. You got to nip that fucking thing in the butt.

And I would actually have a conversation with your wife too and say, listen, if this persists, we're not hanging out with them as a couple anymore. Okay. Because, and if she gives you, you know, well, she's my friend and blah, blah, blah, and just say, honey, I love you. I need a little empathy here. What if one of my exes came to the door five years ago, professing that she still had a flame for me and still loved me and all of that crap? All right. And then was stalking me and liking my photos on Facebook. How would that make you feel?

You know, I'm not judging you, but I wouldn't put you in that position. Okay. You like that last sentence? That last sentence is called game set match. All right. Walk. Hey, Bill, big fan and all that lap dog babble. Now you need a new walk, dude.

I've been, I've seen a bunch out. Go fuck yourself. I need a new walk. You've watched all my specials on TV. Well, good for you. Good for you. Thank you for doing that. Jesus fucking Christ.

All right. Water toxicity. Hey, Bill, water toxicity is the medical term for when one's height. Oh, this is what I was talking about. What the fuck was it? That person. What is it? The, the, the, they drank too much water.

That's right. Someone was asking me, you know, how much water you can drink or something like that. You know what's fucking hilarious? Cause the guy, oh, I know the guy said he drank a gallon and a half of water every day. And I was like, dude, be careful, man. You drink too much water. You could fucking die. And the amount of fucking people that wrote to me telling me how much water you can drink.

If 50 people wrote me, they all had 50 different amounts. So this person, I don't know if this is an actual doctor or whatever said. Hey, Bill, water toxicity is the medical term for one's hydration. One's hydration reaches dangerous and sometimes fatal levels. The actual mechanism at play is the ratio of water and electrolytes, salt in one's body. Okay. You've already lost me. What are electrolytes?

Is that that shit in Gatorade? The total amount of water one can drink does not matter so long as the amount of electrolytes are in balance. Exercise and sweating depletes electrolytes so it is important to eat or mix in some Gatorade when rehydrating. I was right. Look at that. Ah, Jesus.

If this was a multiple choice fucking test. You know how dumb I am? I actually read half of that and when I wasn't even paying attention to it and I got to Gatorade and it snapped me back into it. I just get like, the second you go scientific it's just womp, womp, womp, womp, womp. The total amount of water one can drink does not matter so long as the amount of electrolytes are in balance. Ah, exercise and sweating depletes electrolytes so it is important to eat or mix in some Gatorade

when rehydrating. I didn't know that. I used to eat a fucking piece of fruit so I wouldn't get sick when I sucked down the water. Ah, the woman that died at the radio stunt drank and didn't eat then reached fatal levels. Oh, so basically they could do that if they had a bunch of Gatorade there. Anyways, love the podcast. My girlfriend and I saw your One Nighter in Tampa a few months ago and you were fucking

amazing. Thank you. Thank you very much. If you ever get a chance, the Florida-Georgia cocktail party game in Jacksonville is the pinnacle of SEC football. I gotta go to that. I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna play the Comedy Zone one of these years.

I'll do like a One Nighter. I'll do like Thursday, Friday and then I'll be drunk on stage Saturday because I'm fucking having a cocktail too. But I gotta tell you, you know what, I watched on the plane coming down here. I watched that 30 for 30 again or maybe it was an E-60. It seemed like it was an hour long, I don't know, on the Alabama Auburn rivalry and that's one of my favorite pieces of television ever. If you've never seen it, if you're not even into sports, you just have to watch how insane

that fucking rivalry is. And there's a guy, what the hell is his name? He has a radio show and I wanted to ask people who live in Alabama who listen to the podcast here. I know I'm gonna say his name wrong. Is Paul Feinbaum or something, that radio show? Is there any way I can get that? Can I listen to it online?

Can you give me like a link or something? I really want to listen to that this year as they're leading up. I'm hoping Auburn's gonna be good this year. I know once Cam left that they had a little bit of a drop off but I can't even remember what they did last year but I just want to listen to that shit talking. I was fucking laughing my ass off other than the maniac poisoning the trees which was just ridiculous but like listening to those people with those southern accent, just yelling at each other and the amount of passion, it was just fucking phenomenal.

Phenomenal fucking radio. I have to somehow figure out, I have to go to that game, not only do I gotta go to that game but I have to figure out. If I can't go, I have to fucking listen to that. I've actually already played it out in my head. One of these years I'm gonna go, I'll go with like Verzi and Lawhead or something, maybe a couple other buddies and I was already picturing us getting there a couple days early because we'll do stand up probably at the star dome or something.

This is the game playing and in the mornings I just pictured us like hanging out, like fucking eating breakfast somewhere with the car radio on, just sitting there in the parking lot laughing our fucking asses off, getting it. If you're not even in the college football, if you just watch, if you can somehow find that, that Roll Tide War Eagle or War Eagle Roll Tide depending on who you talk to, which should come first, it's just, it puts the Yankee Red Sox shit to shame. It really does. I actually think Ohio State Michigan puts Yankee Red Sox shit to shame.

I mean, the Yankee Red Sox thing died down now that the Sox finally won it. But it's just a whole other fucking level. You gotta check it out. Highly recommend it. So anyways, one last advertising here for the week, e-voice. Your screening calls, closing deals and making money. All while lounging poolside in the summer sun. Thanks to what?

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Okay, let's go on to the next one. Dating an ugly girl. Sorry about the click in here, everybody. Jesus Christ, hour and 18. Fucking chatty Cathy here. All right, doll, doll is shaved. Oh, I started reading the advertising. I am so fucking stupid.

Clicking away, dating an ugly girl. There we go. We both started with a D so that was enough to get me going. Dating an ugly girl. Hey, Bill, I just recently started listening to your podcast at work and I got to say great job, man. Thank you very much. You say some truly funny and inspiring stuff.

Thank you. I wanted to ask for your advice on a troubling matter of mine. I recently started dating a girl that I met on an internet dating site. That's unreal. I wish that shit was around when I was fucking single and I was a young man, had a full head of hair. Right? Jesus Christ.

That's like going to the supermarket and just picking out fruit. You know? Ugh. Jesus Christ. If you're letting your ego get in the way of fucking doing that, you're out of your goddamn mind still going out playing a fucking cover charge. I guess there's the sport of that, you know? Not having the gun cocked, walking around with the shotgun broken over your arm, right?

When you're boy, go flush him out of the fucking bushes. Every once in a while, that wouldn't be nice to fish in a stock pond. Anyways, you said we met on an internet dating site. We get along great, oh, we got along great through emails, but when we met, I was surprised to see how ugly her face was and how slightly off she smelled. You know, I just did such a great commercial for why you should do internet dating and now you've convinced me that I don't even know what I'm talking about. All right, so what do you need advice at this point?

She has an ugly face and smells bad. So what? Ah, Jesus. I just saw it, it's dating an ugly girl. Okay, well, I'm intrigued now. Well, what do you look like, sir? Are you a little off and do you smell? Do your smells combine and actually smell like something good?

Can that happen? Can two negatives make a positive in smells? I know they're doing math. Needless to say, I was coming out of a dry spell. Also she has a great body, so I put the moves on her. I never actually hesitated. You should have taken a fucking shower with her. That's what that was, the move right there.

You should have taken a fucking shower with her and banged a doggie style. Jesus Christ, do I got to hold your hand over to the fucking water fountain? Anyways, he goes, so I put the moves on her. I never actually hesitated. I just went on being myself around her and talking to her and now we're together. The sex is amazing. I fucking knew it. I knew the sex would be amazing because there's no other reason to stay with somebody's ugly

and they smell. They better fuck the shit out of you or, you know, they better find a new career because their fuck game is over. Playoffs? No. Your season's over. You're playing for a first round draft pick. All right, the sex is amazing.

She has a pretty deep voice, Jesus Christ. This is like the money pit, except instead of a house, it's a woman. All right, she has a pretty deep voice for a lady, so when we bang, it's the only time she talks and acts like a woman. Dude, if you get to the end of this and this person has had a sex change operation, I'm not going to be surprised. Jesus Christ. Do I continue?

Yeah, I got nothing better to do. Fuck it. And he goes, blah, blah, blah, and we get along great. She's like the best friend I never had. Yeah, I'm sure. She'd probably fucking lift more weights than you, too. Seriously, we make each other laugh a lot, and we're always learning and growing intellectually with each other.

My dilemma is this. I'm a pretty handsome guy, and when we go out together, people always stare, give us angry or confused looks. Oh, come on, man, that might be in your head. I think a lot of that might be you being self-conscious, confused look, like why is this great looking guy with this piece of dog meat? I don't know if that's your ego or you're dating the ugliest fucking thing ever. You said she's got a nice body.

So you know what I mean? She throws on a little makeup, does some shit with her hair, you know, maybe combs it in her face a little, becomes 50% less, now this is just getting meaner by the second. My dilemma is this. Okay, blah, blah, blah. I haven't introduced her to any of my friends and family yet because I'm afraid of what they'll think of me and how they will judge us behind our backs. Also, I don't want ugly kids, and that's pretty important to me.

Why are you with this person, sir? You're saying horrible things. She has an ugly face. She smells bad and you think she's going to make ugly children. What the fuck? You know what it is? Your dick is still making the decisions in your life, sir. That's why you're still with this person.

And secondly, just because you're good looking and you get with a good looking person, that doesn't mean you're going to have a good looking kid. All right? That's one of the fallacies out there. I can name a couple of celebrity couples, drop dead gorgeous and had an average looking kid because you know what it is? It's not like you're beautiful and you're beautiful. So together you make beauty.

No, it's you're combining. You're features. You know what I mean? There's a lot of average. You know, I can tell you right now, more times than not, average looking people have stunning kids. They have just, or they have just as good a chance of making stunning kids. This is like that shit I was talking to you about like a few weeks ago.

When I was talking about like when people give like Michael Jordan's kid shit because he's not as good as his dad at basketball. It's like, well, he's only half his dad. He's Michael Jordan cut with Michael Jordan's wife. Okay? And if she has no leaping ability, okay, and can't even catch a beach ball underhanded, that's going to fuck with the son's ability to go to the rack. You know?

So anyway, sir, I'll read the rest of this book. Anyways, I don't want an ugly kid and that's pretty important to me. She truly is an amazing person. And in a perfect world, I wouldn't hesitate to make her my wife. But the fact is, I'm too much of a bitch to completely accept her into my life. Well, you know what? You're man enough to admit that you're a bitch. That's a good step.

Which it is, but I don't really want to hurt her feelings. Her life is already pretty hard because of how she looks. Dude, did she live on her bridge? What is the problem? What should I do? Am I too selfish in vain? Any advice on this matter would be appreciated. Well, the problem is, sir, you've stayed with her long enough that she's starting to get into your heart.

You know? She was in your balls first, but then, you know, now she's up in your chest. So, uh... What would you do? I mean... Well, I mean, you have to make the choice. Look, you either accept her for who she is and you introduce her to people around you, or you get rid of her because you're going to hurt her.

You know? That's it. I don't want the fuck else to tell you. I hope I didn't come off like a dick there, but I mean, that's, uh... That's just, that's the deal. You've got to make the choice. Alright? Okay.

Well, that's the podcast for this week. Everybody, I apologize for being a moron and forgetting the plug and all that shit. But, um... I did take a lot of video this week that I'm going to try to have uploaded onto the podcast page and all that. I'll try to make it up that way. Um, my, my iPhone pictures and videos as I'm driving. And I know it's not safe to be doing that. You don't need to point out all the people on the motorcycles.

I know that I was taking people's lives in danger, you know, in dangering their lives. So, before you think, you're the most clever cunt on the fucking internet. Um... Alright? And send me all your hacky fucking shit about first world problems and all those other catchphrases. Um, anyways, here we go. Wrap ups. Alright, guys.

Now that the show's over, don't forget to support our sponsors if you can. Get started with the free 30-day trial of e-voice. As I mentioned, e-voice gives you a toll-free 1-800 number or a local number so you can call. So you can take business calls from anywhere and always sound like you're at the office. Also, e-voice has grace features like dial by name directory and even transcribe your voicemail so you can read them at a conference. Alright? Go to evoice.com and enter the promo code BIL for your 30-day free trial.

Or go to the podcast page, billbird.com, click on e-voice. Also, don't forget to sign up for Hulu Plus. It lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to the podcast page, billbird.com, and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And finally, dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr, dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr. Alright? You want to stop getting F'd over buying razor blades?

Not only are you going to get them for a fraction of the cost they can deliver them right to your damn house, high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. I love these guys and you will too. Alright? Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. Just go to the podcast page on billbird.com and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. And that is the show for this week. Thank you so much to everybody who came out in Boise in Bozeman, Montana.

For everybody else, Deadwood, Wichita, Tulsa, Colorado Springs, El Paso, all those other dates. I am making those up. I'm doing them two, three at a time. Two down, like eight cities to go. I'm bringing the t-shirts and I'll do a nice long show for you because I fucked you over. I got an acting gig. What am I supposed to do? You know?

But I'm going to make it up to you. Alright? Thanks for listening. And go fuck yourselves. And now there's the long silence because I can't find the stop button and there it is. You'll always find one in your neighborhood on Beepat.be. Beepat! Together, better for nature and for all of us.

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