Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-29-19

Episode Date: July 29, 2019

Bill rambles about baseball, fatties, and the theater.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, July 29th, 2019. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? Oh, am I in a good mood? I am in a great mood. Why? Because I haven't watched the Red Sox all year long. I've sort of been seeing what's going on. I've checked the standings. I've watched maybe one game, maybe two games. But now that they've won three in a row, I don't know what happened last night because I'm recording this on Sunday before it happened. I don't know what happened. But now that they've won three in a row, I'm going to do what every fan in Buffalo Wild Wings would do, is I'm going to pretend like I've been watching them all year. Oh, yeah, you like that, New York? I'm going to tell you this. As far as what I was paying attention to, I remember there was a game about three weeks ago,

this incredible game that the Yankees played where it was just a back and forth thing and they were down a bunch of runs, and they ended up winning like 16 to 14 or something like that. And one of my buddies was like, dude, that's one of the greatest baseball games I ever saw. In the back of my head, I'm like, the number that excites me there would be the 14. 14 runs you fucking let up, you know, I forgot who they were playing. But I mean, I've been, I tell you right now, I'm going to pat myself on my freckled fucking back. I've been preaching this forever. Regular season stats are so fucking overrated. All right. I shouldn't even say that you should just really pay attention to what you're looking at,

what you're getting excited about because, you know, 80% of the league is not going to be there come playoff time. So I think they should, I don't know why they don't do this. What they should have like overall team stats and then stats against the top whatever, whatever percentage of the league makes the playoffs. So in baseball, whatever it is, the top 12%, you know, basketball and hockey, the top 90%. You can just use regular season stats. I mean, fucking everybody makes it like 16 teams at both conferences make it. It seems like eight teams that what is 16 and hockey, I don't know.

I don't even know what it is in basketball, like half the fucking league. So, but I think with like football and baseball, regular season stats, if you just look at them without taking into context, who can you please shut the fucking door? Good God, oh my, every time she walks out, she leaves the door open, my kid is sleeping. Wait, she's coming back in. I'm going to read her the right act. Nia Renee Hill. Hi, Bill Burr from TMZ. We want to know why you have a difficult time closing the door when you go to walk in and out.

I was coming back in. Go away. No comment. No comment. What do you think about some of this, the sweatshop labor in El Salvador? Oh, it's terrible. Oh, it's just terrible. Are you doing anything about it to try and, you know, alleviate some of the stresses from what we hear? There's children as young as nine making Victoria's Secret thongs. Oh, I stopped buying Victoria's Secret years ago. Why is that? Because that was, did you feel like a basic bitch? Yeah, exactly.

Where exactly, where exactly do you, for our podcast listeners, just one more question, just one more question. For our podcast listeners, where is it that you let you prefer to buy your undergarments? Ah. You're a sole best mull. I'd rather not say. That's for me to know and for you to find out. Are you saying that you go natural? Yes. A commando all the time. Commando style.

Yeah. Commando style. Okay. Okay. Can you give us a shout out? Be like, Hey, this is Nia Renee Hill and you're listening to the Monday morning podcast. Hey, this is Nia Renee Hill and you're listening to the Monday morning podcast. Um, anyway, so I went down today. I was saying, I was talking about the fucking stats. Who gives a shit? So this is, if you're a real sports fan, because right now, of course, you know, I bought a New York post today because I love watching the New York sports writers. They just, they flip out, you know, the Yankees or whatever football team.

I guess every sports team, Boston sports writers do it too. Whatever's happening is what's going to happen. If your team won five games in a row, so they ever going to lose again. Um, so now the Yankees are, they having a shit weekend. Obviously happens to everybody no matter how good you are. Now they're flipping out something needs to be done now. Um, we shall see. I like how they're like, they're, they're 11 game lead has now been whittled down to eight.

It's like, yeah, eight's pretty comfortable. Even if we get it down to seven, the way they've been playing this year, they're bats and everything. I don't think that they're in any danger. Um, a long way to go. Um, so I don't know if this always happens at some point during the year, you're going to hit a little bit of a slump. All right, but what you have to understand is these are professional athletes. And with the Yankees, you're dealing with the professional athletes that play in the New York City. You know, uh, media market, whatever the fuck.

So it's just nonstop pressure. So they're going to be, I think they're going to be fine. Um, as excited as I am, if we do actually sweep them, that's always fun. But we're still going to be seven fucking games out and, you know, even up in Boston, they're like, you know, we're going to try that. Yeah. You know, you know, it's like, you know, sports writers are like sports writers are like fucking, you know, they're like, you know, that asshole, you know, never goes to the gym and then goes to the gym, like one or two days in a row and just dude, I'm crushing it.

I'm telling you right now, I'm going to get fucking abs. All right, mark my words, get my fucking abs by the end of the, you know, three days later, you catch them in a fucking, you know, dipping a fudgy call into a cake, you know. Um, so anyway, but I, this is. I'm like, I'm just glad the Red Sox are finally being competitive with the Yankees because the Yankees has been like a fucking steamroll of the whole year. And, um, you know, what's better than fucking late September, October, baseball. It's the fucking best. I love, well, I'm sure there's a lot of things better, you know, but I like it.

I like it that we're going to be in it. You know, God does we spend enough money every year. We learned it from the Yankees and we're not going to stop doing it. We've now bought a fucking soccer team over there in the premiership. We're siphoning the money off from that. You know, I had a chance to go to that Liverpool game up at Yankee Stadium and I fucking, I, you know, of course my shooting schedule didn't work out. Yes, I did just say that my shooting schedule and I'm wearing sunglasses. Um, we shot, I don't want to say where we shot, but well, it's been all over Staten Island.

We've been having a good time and, um, I don't know, we're getting down to it here. And what's weird when it's during the working week, I have no anxiety whatsoever. On the weekends when we're off, I have anxiety. I don't know what it is. This scene, how am I going to do that scene? How many more scenes are there? Freaking the fuck out. This mustache keeps getting in my food. But if I'm just working, then it's fine.

I don't know what it is. It's weird. Um, so I go downstairs today. Once I didn't even know, I knew the Red Sox and Yankees were playing each other, but I had no idea that, uh, we had won three games in a row and that we were kicking the shit out of it. That's how out of the fucking loop I am. So I, my parents are in town. One of them mentioned it. So I was like, oh fuck, there's one of my favorite things to do when the Red Sox are winning.

Finally, I like reading New York sports pages because I like watching them fucking act like the sky's falling. So I go down to buy the paper. All right. And, you know, to have a little fucking enjoyment and the front page of the paper is one of those stories that is so fucking sad, but it happened to an individual and nobody did it to him. He did it to himself. So it's like, why do I need to know this? Doesn't the person feel bad enough?

Now I know that that happened. If you guys don't want to, I'm going to say the story really quickly. If you don't want to hear it, just fast forward through this. All right, I'll give you a second. I'm going to tell the story in three, two, one. Some guy, he had twins, two beautiful babies. All right. And he left them in the car.

It heated up and they both died. And then he was allegedly screaming, I killed my babies. Okay. He feels horrible. It's manslaughter. They're charging with all this shit. Why the fuck do I need, what does it do for me to know that story? The guy feels fucking horrible.

You're publishing his fucking name. I mean, he's probably on suicide watch. Why the fuck do I need to know that? I went out there like, oh boy, the team that the fucking hits the ball with the stick that represents my city did real well for three games. I want to read about it. And I literally walked up the street just going, oh my God. Oh my God. I got like mad at the paper.

I could see if somebody came in and did that to his kids. We got to find that guy, his the suspect. That's bad enough. But there's a reason why I should know that. Maybe you want to like give the fucking paper back and give my money back. I don't know why they published fucking. You know, it's a great front page story. So now I did it to you, right?

But you know what? You know why I think that happened? No, I didn't do anything wrong. I went to a play last night. Oh, Jesus, Bill, we lost you. What happened to that guy who used to drink booze and fucking just watch sports and not read? Now you're eight months sober. You're reading Ken Stabler's autobiography.

Not exactly reading. It means it's reading, but it's not too in depth. You're growing mustaches for a fucking thing. Now you're going to a fucking play. What happened to your freckles? I don't know what happened. I think I became a big phony. So my parents went down.

I took them to go see the, uh, to kill a mockingbird. My buddy actually got the tickets. It was hilarious. He got the tickets and I thought he bought them for us because I thought he knew the star of the play and he was hooking us up. So I'm going to my parents. Hey, be sure you say thanks for the tickets. So they said, hey, thanks for the tickets. And I should have known when he fucking in his text message, he had the price of the tickets.

I was sitting there going, that's kind of tacky. I get it. You know, you're doing, you're doing us a favor. Well, I didn't need to know the exact numerical amount. So I went in there. I was like, hey, dude, I go, thanks again for the tickets. And I saw that look on his face and I fucking knew and I just started laughing. I said, oh fuckers, I supposed to give you some money.

And then he was able to joke his way out of it. And, uh, and he goes, not fucking whatever. He goes, I'll buy, I'm up by him. I go, no, no, no, no, no, I brought my parents. That's three fucking tickets. You don't have to pay for tickets. I was like, as much as I would like to stick you for all this money, just so you could bring it up for the rest of your life. So I ended up paying him.

So anyway, we saw it to kill a mockingbird starring Jeff Daniels. He highly underrated Jeff Daniels. You know, people just think he does comedy because I think the first time mainstream people learned about him was dumb and dumber. Absolutely crushed the role. It was fucking amazing. If you're in New York, you get a chance to see it. One of the most incredible things about it was how many actors there were and how they had to like move the sets on and off stage themselves. And there would be all of this movement going on.

But the way they lit it and the way people came out, you were always looking at the person you were supposed to be looking at. And then all of a sudden you'd be like, oh, fuck, when did when did the star of the play get out? I didn't even see him come out there. It's incredible. So anyway, we're at the play and sitting there and join it. It's like two hours and 40 minutes long, which I was like, oh, fuck, man, this is going to be brutal. And it wasn't. It flew by.

It fucking flew by. Obviously, it's an intense story. So in the dialogue, you know, no wasted words. So you're in it just in case you're not a fan of the theater. This is something you should definitely check out. So we're watching. We're having a good time. Now, are you familiar with the movie to kill a mockingbird?

You know, came out a long time ago. Robert Duvall, a young Robert Duvall was in it. Spoiler alert. I don't want to ruin this. But in order in order to tell the story, I have to tell you what this fucking asshole did a couple rows back and he did it twice. All right. Now you have plenty of time. I'm going to tell the story for about two minutes.

You have plenty of time to hit stop. All right, Mel. Maybe what if you get on an airplane right now and you're struggling with your bags and you put it in the overhead compartment? I got, I got, you know, I got to wait a second. Then you put your bag down, huh? You fold it up suits for the life of me. I don't get how that that piece of luggage works. You know, the garment bag and you fold it up and then you put the strap over and somehow you take it out and your suit.

Shouldn't it just have one big wrinkle right across it? One big one rather than a bunch of little ones. It shouldn't have one big one. Evidently it works. I don't know if you bend it over at the waist, but the coat hangs down half past it. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. All right, that was enough bullshit.

80s comedy there to get me past that. So we're sitting there watching the play. All right. And there's one guy in the play who everybody thinks is the town drunk. So at a pivotal part of the play, he comes walking out and you're like, oh, here's the town drunk. And he's got, he's got in his bag, a bottle of booze drinking out of a paper bag and some kid on, you know, kid, he's just a kid is hyperventilating in the play. And he goes here, have a sip. And you're thinking, oh my God, he's giving him booze.

And when the kid takes the sip, he finds out that it's Coca-Cola. And the whole time, the whole town thought that he was a drunk. He wasn't. He was actually stone sober. I don't know if he didn't like society or whatever. He was just, I don't know. It's a long fucking story. So as he sips it, as he's giving it to the kid, some fucking asshole, some fucking asshole.

By like two rows behind me just goes, it's soda pop. And there was no clue that it was soda pop. He clearly saw the movie or had already seen the play and he was like, how fucking insecure do you have to be as a person? To fucking say that loud enough that I'm two rows up and diagonally away from this guy, like five fucking people away that we all have to heal. Like in his world, we were all like, wow, how did that guy figure that out? Is he a gum shoe? Is he some sort of a sleuth? I have to turn around and see if he's holding a big magnifying glass up to one of his fucking eyeballs.

Oh, oh my God, it took everything in me. The play was too good. And I respect the fact that everybody else didn't, it's soda pop. And then the kid just goes, oh, it's Coca-Cola. I wish I had more patrice in me because I would have said something. But you know what, no one else heard it, but I so just want to turn around when he just goes, it's soda pop. And I go, oh, oh, Coca-Cola. I don't want to just turn around and just be like, wow, how'd you figure that out?

Right in his fucking face. And that has been in my fucking head for like, I saw it last night. I can't stop thinking about it. I just keep walking around laughing in my apartment. It's soda pop. It's soda pop. How would you know it's soda pop? You've obviously seen it before.

You obviously now want us to think that you're fucking smart and you're so, you so need that. You so need that that you're going to spoil this part of the fucking play. You're going to make that about you. All right. And then, and then he did it again. He did it again. The fucking asshole did it again. All right.

Spoiler alert coming again. I'm letting you guys know this is a podcast. You can fucking fast forward. All right. So there's another part. Okay. Where there's the guy who they also think is, you know, you know, deaf and dumb or whatever. There's a mute or some shit.

There's like something wrong with them, right? It's sort of the theme of the play as far as people looking at somebody and judging them by how they look and getting it totally fucking wrong. So the end of the fucking play, the mute hasn't talked the entire fucking time. And he's standing there. This girl asked him a question and you're expecting him not to talk. And in that moment, you're going to learn that this guy is not a mute and can actually speak. So in that pregnant pause, where you really paid attention to the woman there and her

anguish, you know, and then he's going to shock you by then talking that fucking asshole, two rows back, five fucking people over. This goes, say something. Oh my God. Oh, the douche chills. And this is what killed me. I was the only person who fucking reacted. I was the only one who turned around trying to find the douche.

Everybody else just sat there. And then it made me feel like I'm my fucking hearing things. Like am I such an angry redheaded cunt, former redhead, red mustachioed cunt. All right. With an acceptable level of chest hair. Am I that am I that fucking bad? That fucking angry, a fucking that this only bugs me. You know, I was with my buddy.

He fucking writes for a living rights and directs and all that shit. It didn't bug him. He didn't even hear it. And I'm fucking, how did you not fuck? How did you not fucking hear it? Anyway, so I hope that doesn't happen when you go to see to kill a mockingbird. Because other than that, man, it was fucking amazing. I should really, I should have had a shout out for the other cast members.

I think the woman that I was talking about, I believe she won a Tony or was nominated or something like that. But it's kind of been cool coming back in, you know, I saw burn this with Adam Driver and then I saw to kill a mockingbird with Jeff Daniels. And when I lived here 12 years ago, I lived here for like 10 years, right? And I never went. I never went because I was too busy trying to establish myself as a comedian. And last night I was listening to people going, oh, I saw this play was so and so

and so and so. And like, like I heard Jeff Daniels is going to do this through what you got to see him, right? He's doing this through November. And you know, he's coming in to replace him. Ed fucking Harris. And I was like, Jesus, I'm going to go see this again. Ed Harris is one of my favorite actors of all time.

Not to mention when I started losing my hair, he was one of the guys I looked at. I was like, well, Ed Harris is working. You know, Sean Luke Picard, you know, all my fucking heroes changed. Telly Sevalas. Um, anyways, I got to see him in that too. So I remember a long time ago. Um, the only reason why I went and I saw this play. Oh man, I saw it.

Who the fuck was, I forget the other guy's name. I don't know why I'm blanking on him. He was in Ricky Bobby. I'm just going to push it down. I'm just going to push it down. Why am I blanking on his name? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I'm just going to push it down. I'm just going to push it down. Why am I blanking on his name? I saw a true West with, uh, with Philip Seymour Hoffman. And, uh, he's on, he's on that fucking. What is wrong with my brain? John C. Reilly speaking of Ed Harris.

They were in state of grace, which was based on that book The Westies. John C. Reilly, also an amazing musician. I saw him live at Largo. He's fucking incredible. Anyway, I saw the two of them do this play and they, and they would like switch. Like it was a two person play. And every time every other play, they would, they would, every other performance, they would switch roles.

And, um, and that kind of shit was going on all the time. When I was here in New York and God forbid I took a night off from standup to go see these amazing fucking actors. I don't, you know, I was just always in the club. I mean, it worked for me, but I don't think, you know, I think when I saw true West too, I had a little anxiety when I was sitting before the show started. I had this anxiety of like going like, oh, I should have gone to stand up

New York tonight. I could have got a spot in and maybe I can do a spot after this. And the woman I was dating, you know, I would have pissed her off. So I didn't. Um, but anyways, I don't know. I'm just saying you should definitely check that shit out. And every time I come here, Brian Cranston just wrapped up doing something. So I always miss that.

But tonight I'm going to go see the new Tarantino movie speaking of which, and I can't believe this, that this many years went by. I actually saw Pulp Fiction. The first time I saw it was in Boston. And then the second time I saw it, um, was in 94. And I believe I saw it with Dane Cook. We were a couple of kids just coming down in New York. I think Dane had come down, moved down here first.

And I was getting my shit together to move down here. Um, God, that was such a great fucking time in my life. I was scared fucking shitless and excited to move down in New York. But I came down. I think I was crashing with him and we had both already seen it. We wanted to see it again. So we saw it at, uh, I think that, that the Lincoln Center AMC, not Lincoln Center, the Lincoln, whatever AMC, the one on the Upper West Side, which still exists.

And I was walking by there the other day. And, uh, cause I was going to the Upper, uh, the West Side Comedy Club. And, uh, and I was just thinking, I was just thinking of that Tarantino. Somebody just told me that they had seen it or they heard a crazy amazing review. Cause it's getting amazing reviews. And I was thinking, well, I'm going to take my wife. I'll go to the same theater all those years later. So I think we're going to go there tonight, but she wants to go to a different theater,

which is probably a nicer theater. You know, but, uh, I don't know. I'm kind of thinking nostalgic wise, I'm going to go back there for that one. Um, I'll check that out. She can tell him, look at it a million things. I'm waiting for my fucking podcast information to come in here. Cause right now is the time in the podcast where all freckles usually fucking, uh, sends a couple up, reads a couple of, uh, advertisers grabbing last emails.

Now we'll send over in a couple of weeks. Advertisers grabbing last emails. Now we'll send over in 10 minutes or so. Well, let's see if he sent it over. I feel like I'm on a game show right now. You know, live reads. There they are. Oh boy.

All right. Fields. Do you experience stress? Yes. Yes, I do. It's soda pop. Oh my God, that motherfucker. Um, or have anxiety or chronic pain or have trouble sleeping at least once a week.

You're not alone. All right. Wait, I don't have chronic pain. Do I have anxiety? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Do I have stress? Yeah.

Well, I guess my, my sciatic nerve acts up every once in a while. Do I have trouble sleeping? Yeah. A little bit. Jesus Christ. Very confronting fucking ad. Okay. I'm not, but I'm not alone.

What do any of us do? I have, please discuss in your own words, in your own words, all capital letters, the issues. I just did. You have and how it kept you from living your best life every day. First of all, I'm never doing that. My best life. All right. I'm lucky enough to be born in this fucking country.

Look at the way I'm out. It's always my best life. I lucked out. I hit the fucking lottery. I don't live your best life. All right. I was desperate trying anything that would help. Jesus Christ.

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I am. Whoo. Nene. Nene looking good. Ow. Anyways, I'm a big fan of CBD and all of this type of shit. And I know it works because pharmaceutical companies are freaking the fuck out about it, which means they're just eventually going to take over, take it over, right? As they fight it.

Like, I feel with like pharmaceutical companies, like all these drugs that have a million side effects, that's like the fossil fuels of taking pills. And CBD is like, Hey, man, like, why don't we switch to solar, man? You know, you just sort of like stick a couple of drops on your tongue, man. Your liver is like cool. And you're like chill around your kids. You're not like harsh in the mellow, man, which that's why I love Bernie Sanders. Bernie Sanders is the only guy I see running for president talking about how we have to get we have to get off these fucking fossil fuels. We got to do it.

And I'm not saying that that solar is going to be cleaner as far as like, well, what do you do with the old solar panels that those things won't end up in the ocean? But what we're doing to the atmosphere with all of that, it's, it's time. We got to do it. I don't understand why these fucking oil companies won't just gradually get into solar. They've had 30 fucking years to do it since Jimmy Carter said we're addicted to oil. It would solve so many of our fucking problems if we stop consuming all that oil over there. Then, you know, so much of the funding for terrorism is money gotten from these families that get the oil money from us funded through the fucking mosque. I mean, it's asinine, asinine.

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That's f-o-r-h-i-m-s dot com slash burr. Forhymns.com slash burr. All right. Can you imagine if I did that? I'm actually, I'm just waiting for the, I'm just kind of waiting for the one stop, like just like the pill. Whenever the, I always feel like this. I used to do a bit about this where I felt like at some point in the future, you know, you know, sometimes you can take medicine to like clear up your skin or there's just an ointment you can put on it. Like there'll just be something that you just put on your head, right?

Am I describing this product that I just read? You just put it on your head and it all comes back in like five minutes. But like with everything, there's always a price to pay. So what it is, is it's going to feel like your head is on fire, literally that level of pain. So what they do is they strap you down to the gurney. They put like a rag in your mouth and they're like, okay. All right, you ready? And then they just put it on you and like for five minutes, you just like, all right.

But when you come out of it, you have a full, a full head of fucking hair. Nia, would you go to that? Come here. If in the future, do you have to have that look on your face? If in the future, you got something in your hair. I know I'm choking. If in the future, just get to it. You don't want to play.

Oh, you're in the middle doing your beauty shit. All right, get out of here. Jesus Christ. You know, sometimes, sometimes you think your wife loves you and then other times you just like, is she just tolerating me? She just said, yep, if you can't hear it. Would you do it five minutes to feel, to feel what it feels like to have your head literally be on fire? You have to hell's fire on your fucking head. And, um, and, but then after five minutes, it goes away.

Five minutes is a long fucking time to feel like your head is on fire. That would be crazy. But then, but then you just have this full head of fucking hair for the rest of your fucking life. But then here's the thing. Then there would be this whole stigma, this other stigma put on bald guys where then after that thing existed. All right. If, uh, if you still were bald, then everybody be looking at you like you're a pussy. And all these guys who never lost their ability is fucking guy over here.

It's just five minutes. Come on, you fucking pussy. Right. We know they'd say more than that, but you're not allowed to say those words anymore, but that's what they would say. And they would pressure you into living your best life. Um, all right, let's do another read here. All right. Uh, stamps.com.

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Where are we? 36 minutes in. Well, it looks like, it looks like it's time for fucking some of the reads here. All right, assault and battery. All right, Bill, you are right that every state is different. New York does not have battery. Assault is the physical action when you hurt someone. Menacing is when you make a person fear you will assault them. Is that just in New York? Come on, guys, you know I'm dumb. I can't figure this out. Every state is different. So in New York, assault is the physical action when you hurt someone. Menacing is when, okay, okay, so you're saying that in New York. And then other places, menacing. Well, that's a lot clearer, I think, assault and menacing as opposed to assault and battery.

Because then you think he was beating the shit out of me, then, you know, afterwards he took the batteries out of his Walkman and threw them at me. Oh, Bill, really? Is that all you got? Ah, fuck you. It's a Sunday. All right, Frosty's and a blowjob follow-up from a lady. Dear Billy, back in my day. Yeah, I would have thought I got more shit about the M&M store the way Nia gave me shit. By the way, I bought M&M's at the play. I am a lady and wanted to help the young fellas out there who want their girls or partners or whatever to go to the gym. Oh, Nia, listen to this one. This guy, he was in that awful situation where, you know, he was staying in shape and his girlfriend, who he loved, was getting a little bigger. And he wanted to try to encourage her to go to the gym and she kept saying that she wanted to go to the gym. But every time he would say, all right, let's go to the gym. She'd either do the little sad puppy dog thing. She did that at first and that would work.

So then when that wasn't working, she's now started to blow them. Like when Karen asked Ray Liotta for fucking money, you know, and good fellas, do you want to get in on this? All right, so I was just like, how the fuck, you know, it's very hard, you know, to communicate that. Sometimes you just think the only way to say it is to say it. Hey, sweetheart, I love you, but you're getting real fat. All right. I don't want to fuck a fatty. So why don't you get to the gym and, uh, I don't know, get on the elliptical tub. You can't say that. All right, I'm a lady and okay, I'm ultimately Bill is right. No one can make her do it. And she won't do it until she's ready, but you can try leading by example. See, this is why women are smarter than guys is because they can get people to do things without saying, I need you to do this. They can get in your head, man, and they run around. All right, you want to ease your girl into the habit of moving her body and the rest will and the rest will fall. Okay. You want to get your girl into the habit of moving her body and the rest will follow. Suggest going for a walk together daily.

Maybe plan your route to hit a couple of hills or a short hike with some inclines. This is fucking brilliant. He's in their way and like, Hey, you want to go for a walk? It's a nice, nice time out. And then you literally feel like, Oh, here's a little more challenging hill. It's like when they would slowly turn the fucking heat up on the rat and the rat wouldn't get out of the pot. Suggest going for a walk daily. Okay. There's usually a time of night after dinner, mid net Netflix that you or your girl wants a sweet treat before that happens. Go on a walk after a couple of weeks, increase that to a jog and no, not a walk to fucking Wendy's. Jesus Christ. We just said to go get something sweet. I mean, just the saying when you're getting that craving go for a walk. Oh, God, I'm stupid. There's usually time at night before that happens. Go on a walk. Oh, I see. I see. I see. All right. I mean, just the fact that she eats Wendy's frosties, you really drink them or sort of gulp them down in frozen clumps.

Speaking from experience is grounds for termination in my book, but I digress. Come on, sit down. Come here. Come here. Come here. Okay. And ready for the picture. All right, so go on. Okay, so here we go. Nia said what who doesn't like frosties. Don't don't eat that shit. Dip your fries in the frosty too. Oh boy, that's delicious. Oh boy, that's good, clean fun. Oh boy. Oh boy. All right. Anyways, but I digress. Don't eat that shit. Buy yourselves some real fucking ice cream with few ingredients if you have if you have to have it. Here's a fucking no brainer when she wants a frosty instead of her giving you a blowy. Why did it become a blowy? Why don't you just suggest it's more digestible to say blowy. It's funny. Instead of her giving you a blowy, why don't you suggest no frosty and you'll go down on her. There you go. Yeah, but why do you wait a minute, Nia, I'm going to stop fucking smoking cigars and drinking booze if you blow me. I mean, where's the sacrifice on her fucking part? That is such a you know what you will fucking cool until there. I don't know about that one. Anyways, what a concept. Her reward for not eating like a child is an orgasm.

No, yeah, another gross one. Dude, he fucking ate her out. He performed. No, there are a group of dance. What is it? Oh, I thought Felicia was just any oral sex. No, Felicia was sucking a dick. Correct. And what is it? Conalingus.

Conalingus. Conalingus. Conalingus. I never took a health class. I don't think they teach you about Conalingus in health class. They don't. They don't go, that's a vagina and this is the guy's tongue. And he goes down there and he goes, you guys know that Christmas Carol fall. They didn't do that. No.

No, my generation, we were like people who learn an instrument by ear. It's all just trying to figure it out. All right. There are group dance classes in a studio or online aerobics classes, spin classes, yoga pilates. All of these things have been designed to take your hard earned money. So give it to him. Go to yoga together, go to Zumba together, and you'll get to, well, what about his workout? He wants to be all buff. He wants to throw the fucking weights around. On his off day. On an off day where it's just like, I was just going to do 30 minutes of cardio or something like that.

I see what she's saying. The whole idea is like you're doing it together. So it's quality time together. It's fun. No, it's not such a like. Well, I want to know is at some point can he then just set her free and she can work out the way she wants to work out. And he can go back to his workout where it's like, I want you and you with me. The thing is though, she like she if she doesn't want to like exercise and go to the gym, she's not going to go. And she's going to be smart enough to know that's like, wait a minute, are you trying to force me to exercise?

And that could be seen as being like kind of manipulative and not cool. So I mean, I'm all about like, you know, let's, oh, let's go for a walk together. I feel like that's very like non confrontational and non like it's just, you know, let's just go for a walk. You guys are too smart. You'll figure that out. Oh, now we're going to go up this hill. Oh, wouldn't it be fun? It's like, no, I thought we were just going to go on a nice walk together. Now you got me fucking huffing and puffing and all that stuff.

You didn't tell me I needed to put my fucking leggings on, you know. So this, this, the more I'm reading this email, the more it's like annoying me. Cause then she goes, she goes, uh, anyways, you'll get an X to experience a level of shame yourself by being a man in that environment. Like these places, uh, fucking jazz or size, bro, time to get humble. Why does he have to do, why does he have to like, she's acting like he didn't go to the gym? I mean, it's not like anybody's job to get their partner to where you can encourage them and be like, I want you to be healthy. I know you're worried, you know, about gaining weight or you don't want to gain weight. I just want to encourage you.

I don't want to force you, but like, let's go for like walks together. This is starting to sound like his girlfriend wrote this. Now it's getting a little anger. Cause listen to this. Stop acting like going to the gym is the only way to get in shape. The gym isn't for everyone. Why are you yelling at all caps? No, because that's the way this is reading to me.

And when you're out of shape, the gym can be pretty intimidating because not everyone is comfortable with the level of shame it takes. To go in there, sign up, admit you're a lazy fuck and get on the treadmill. She's just going off the rails here. There are so many other ways to exercise and you got to help her find what works for her. Why is this his fucking job? Well, I mean, he wrote to you asking about it. So clearly he's thinking that it's. But I don't know just like this fucking tone is ridiculous.

Right. Well, I mean, I don't know. I don't know what's going on over there. I don't. I don't. Yeah. I don't get any of that shit. Like there's nothing like if he was not forced anybody to work out and be healthy.

And if he was the guy not going to the gym, like it wouldn't be like you need to start going to the gym and lifting weights. You don't humble yourself. This is like this is this fucking shit. It's a one way street. All right. Sorry. All right. Thank you.

Lovely. We are creatures of habit. And ever think about it more and then she'll dump you when she looks hot as fuck. So be careful what you wish for. Yeah, she went. She got all fucking you do notice how she tried to act like she was cool and in the end she wasn't. Come here. So is that why you guys stay with us so you can eat a burger.

But if you if you stop eating the fucking burger then you're going to dump us and where are you going to go? What does that what do you mean? Because you said that you were thinking that too like oh what if she gets all hot and then breaks up with them like I can do better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean I just thought that would be funny if it turned around and she got an amazing shape. And then she went off and you know, I think it's funny that I've had a clear head. I've been working out. I've been really to be meditating and taking care of myself and I realized you're a piece of shit.

Bye. Isn't it more I realized that guys who are doing better than you are now looking at me and I would like to swing to the next monkey bar of a better lifestyle. Maybe. Maybe. Could be. Could be. All right, I got it. I got it.

I got to dip out. You have to dip out. Yeah. My interview skills are fucking next level. Jesus Christ. I mean, you're right there. I mean, do you see this right here? This all right here is why I suggest any guy.

Don't be afraid if your wife ever says hey we need to go to couples counseling because for the first time in their lives somebody outside the relationship is going to tell them at some point that they're fucking wrong. But then you're going to pay for it in the car ride home so it doesn't it doesn't work. It's just this guy loves the woman. He's trying to help her out and in the end she's basically telling the guy that he needs to humble himself. She you know all her issues with going to the gym is she flips out and then in the end she goes hey you know rather than hey you know what you're a really good guy. You care for your girl. You know this is a great thing that you care so much that you're doing this. It's like yeah why don't you get hot and fucking dump you.

Alrighty. Alrighty then. There you go. There's that. There's that. Well what I would say is if that actually happens that she never really loved you to begin with. And so then if you didn't take her to the gym then you'd be married to a fat miserable cunt who doesn't really love you and is only there because they're too fucking fat to roll out of your life. Alright Scott Peterson documentary.

Oh Jesus. Oh you semity bill. You mustachioed fuck. I'm curious of your take on the Scott Peterson case in the mid 2000s. Scott Peterson. Oh he was the one who killed that his pregnant wife rather than just breaking up with her. You know what's fucked is he would have been done with child support right about now. Instead he killed two people and now is sitting in jail fucking dope.

I was too young at the time to follow the news that closely though admittedly I don't watch it now either. I saw this A&E documentary on Hulu called The Murder of Lacey Peterson. It goes in about how media coverage forced the police to rush the case and target only Scott and how emotional outrage from the public contributed to the decision of the death penalty. Well I mean don't don't fucking kill your pregnant wife. I mean yeah that's going to be a little sensational don't you think. Granted the makers could be biased and frame the case their own way but I thought it was very well made. Well you got to watch out with those things because those things have their mind made up. Remember that fucking thing that was on Netflix the making of a murderer.

I thought what's this Doug Stanope had the best take on that. He's like he threw a live cat into a fire and watched it burn to death. Fuck this guy and it's like you know they can make you feel whatever you want to feel. I had a buddy of mine watch that stupid Courtney whatever the fucking name is the chick from whole. Why am I thinking Cox Courtney Love Kurt Cobain story and like he watched that thing by the end of it. He was convinced that a junkie from three states away pulled off a murder that fucking with today's technology they couldn't figure out that she fucking did it. All right. Anyways granted the makers could be by sorry.

Though through the documentary and my minimal Wikipedia research follow up I'm convinced that the trial was unfair. Scott shouldn't be on death row and should win his appeal. There was no physical evidence multiple people saw Lacey the day she was supposedly already dead. A robbery occurred directly across the street the day she went missing and multiple pregnant women six or seven I think had gone missing in the area within a year or so of Lacey's disappearance. Granted Scott's a sleazy cheating piece of shit. But so are a lot of douchebags. Anyway. 12 s's.

I was curious. If you've seen the documentary or even just what you remember about the case figured this might peak your uninformed conspiracy believing ass. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Oh so you just throwing this across the table to watch me go nuts about it. I don't know anything about that case. All I can say is I hope he's fucking guilty because he's done a lot of time. No I don't know anything about that but I've always wondered I never understood why guys kill their wives. You know as bad as child support and alimony is bad as you think it's going to be.

Is that going to be worse than killing the mother your child and going to jail for the rest of your fucking life and God knows what happens in the afterlife. If there is a bad place you go to you just signed up for that because you didn't want to do 18 years of fucking alimony and child support. Good Lord. Fuck is wrong with people. Why I don't believe water is a human right. Oh good God Almighty. You know sometimes people just try to fucking. This is like one of these fucking things.

Where I just feel like just somebody's just trying to piss me off. Oh maybe the person's being a joke. Okay I've heard you on multiple being the being sarcastic. I've heard you on multiple occasions express your belief that water is a human right. In 2010 the United Nations determined that because people have the right to life and since water is essential to life water is a human right. Well thank God. My issue with this is that the line of thinking can be taking further example food is necessary. Therefore is also human right.

The same thing with housing toiletries and many other things. This feels to me like a fast track to socialism slash communism and we all know how that goes wink. I hope I helped you think. No because here's the thing I can live outside. Okay I can live you can live outside. Homeless people do it for years decades. All right. They're only going to you're only going to last what like three four days without fucking water.

Everything you can go six weeks without food up to six weeks I should say. What else did you say housing you can live outside. Toiletries who says you need fucking toiletries. No water is a fucking human right because if you don't have it in three days you fucking dead. All right everything else gives you time to get there. All right. I mean I and I also agree with food and I also agree with shelter. Okay and all these people out there who don't think that you should fucking try to help out your fellow man is fucking ridiculous and that we should all just keep our fucking mouth shut.

All five to ten corporations keep us in a never ending fucking war that has no exit strategy that is bankrupted this fucking country. That's fine. That's fine for those fucking guys to do that and over charges and leave no future for our fucking children children children and whatever that shit. But God forbid you help some fucking guy. You know who played football hurt his fucking knee was given fentanyl and is now doing heroin in his homeless God for fucking bid you help that guy out. Makes no fucking sense to me but what am I you know I'm a big fucking Hollywood phony. Why listen to me. Oh where is he's calling.

Where is he's calling call. I should have picked up and give him shit about the Yankees. It's getting shaky in the Bronx but I don't do that. I don't do that. All right advice for a lady. Hey man. Love you stuff. What the fuck am I here.

All right advice for a lady. Hey man. Love your stuff. Long time fan. First time emailer. I am in need of some advice. I love my job as a landscaper and God. But my boss sometimes says shit that is really inappropriate.

He'll occasionally comment on my nice ass or how he likes working with a hot girl who knows how to work. One day a plant delivery guy showed up and when my boss introduced me he started saying really nice stuff like she really gets shit done and she works harder than most guys. I've been I've had working for me but then finished by saying but the best part about working with her is looking at her. I am so embarrassed but all I could manage was to roll my eyes and shrug. He shouldn't be doing this. I don't think he's actually malicious. He's actually a malicious creep. He's an overly he's overall pretty decent boss.

I think he's just of a certain age and a certain type of guy that is oblivious to how lame that is. Yeah. That's a fair assessment. I don't really want to have a super serious conversation with him about how this makes you feel because that would makes things more awkward. I think that's what you say to him to say can I talk to you for a second. I don't want to have a super serious conversation but like I don't I don't want to hear you talking about my ass or any more body parts or anything like that. Okay. Just talk to him about me like a worker.

Okay. I don't I don't want to hear those comments anymore and there's no way he's not informed enough to know that he's getting himself into dangerous territory if he continues. I would think. Anyways he says when he says stuff like that I usually just clam up and try to get away from him. But I was hoping you could help me with some kind of snarky retort. Well is he older. I'd like to be able to respond in a way that is lighthearted but I am not a lighthearted person but also points out that he's being a creep. Send me a picture of him.

I'll give you all the ammo you need. Unfortunately I haven't been able to because I get too flustered in the moment. I would love to hear any input Nia might have as well. Thanks and go fuck yourself garden girl. I don't know what it is. It's just I will be okay buddy. Do me a favor. Why don't you go dye your pubes something just make fun of his fuck but then you don't want him to get hostile or whatever.

I would just talk to him. The thing is you you have like confrontational issues here that you got to get past. Now everybody in the fucking the fucking social media right now be like I'm blaming the victim. I'm not I'm giving you the tools you need because you're going to need to confront this fucking guy. So just learn not just write down on a piece of paper what you want to say rehearse it memorize it and then just say it to him. And then what happens is it's not like you don't know what you want to say. It's not like you don't know how you feel. You have so much anxiety about confronting this fucking person that you're going to get outside of yourself.

That's how you bomb is a comedian in the beginning because you're going to get the cars looking at me. I forgot my jokes. It's the same thing. So one thing in life you have to get good at is confrontation because if you don't people are going to take advantage of you. And it's going to build up resentment in you and you can end up being a really fucking angry person. All right. Take it from me. All right.

My anger is all from my fucking childhood because I didn't know how to confront people and it just kept getting stacked onto it. And I'm trying to whittle away at it. And every time I knock off a couple of fucking pounds some cunt at a theater goes it's so to pop and it comes right back. So that's what I would do. I would just be like yeah I don't think you're a bad guy. That really makes me feel uncomfortable and I wish you would stop doing that. Not even I wish. I need you to stop doing that.

All right. And hopefully he's not one of those old school guys. She's a fucking bitch. Whatever. Who gives a shit. All right. And what if that fails? I don't know.

Just tell him you're a size queen. You can tell by the way he carries himself. He's not up for the job. I don't don't say that. I don't know what I don't know. Have fun with it. Have fun with the confrontation. All right.

High school shit. I hope that helped you out. But fuck him if it's going to be awkward. He's the one making it. He's making he's the one making it weird. All right. So push through it. Say what you have to say and start fucking start getting good at it.

Practice confronting people. My mother's calling. Hang on a second. Jesus Christ. Message her. Oh, hang on a second. I got to take this. Hang on.

You know, at some point I'm going to get I got to get a fucking studio. The interruptions. The interruptions. You know, trying to just sit in the middle of your house doing a podcast. What the fuck is wrong with me? All right. Last thing. Dilemma.

Uh, dear, uh, bill or will. What's worse? Bulla. Bulla. Bulla. Bill. Bull. Having no fingers or having no dick.

Uh, you were born with both and one of them has to get cut off. Well, how old am I? You know, from 80, I need my fingers to fucking open up my geritol, not using my dick anymore. I don't know if I've never had a family. I want a dick. And he goes, I know this is a stupid one. It really makes you think either never be able to use your fingers again or never be able to have sex, beat your meat or P standing up again.

What do you think bill? Man, that's, that's the tough one. It's not the fucking sex or jerking off thing. Once you get to my fucking age, it's the, uh, what, what the fuck do I have when I got to relieve myself? Um, I got it. I have the solution. This isn't actually an easy one.

I would have no dick. Therefore, I would still have my fingers so I could easily blow my brains out. There you go. There's your solution to that one. All right. I guess, you know, unless you have a crooked dick, then you could take the fingers off and I don't know what. Anyways, that's, that's the podcast.

God bless you. Uh, congratulations to Red Sox at one, three or four or, or swept the Yankees. Who knows? Um, but you know, if we don't sweep them, then they still have a nine game lead. They still have seven. There's a long fucking way to go, but whatever. We'll see. Hopefully it'll be a race.

Uh, I would definitely be concerned with the pitching if I was a Yankee fan, but I wouldn't be concerned to the level that, uh, the New York sports meeting is done right now. Uh, it's like, you should have been saying that all fucking year. It's been a problem all fucking year. Uh, maybe they have been, I don't know. I haven't been looking at whatever. Uh, all right. Enjoy your next couple of days.

I'll check in on you on Thursday. Thanks to go fuck yourselves. And, um, I'll talk to you soon.