Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-30-18

Episode Date: July 30, 2018

Bill rambles about Texas, nutrition and lesbian dating advice.

Hey, what's going on, it's Bill Byrne, it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, July 30th, 2018, what's going on, how, oh yeah, I'm a little bit late here with this podcast. You know, I was out there in Houston, Texas for two nights, in Dallas for one, and I want to thank everybody that came out and the weather was great, it wasn't that hot, you know, I wasn't like Texas hot, and we flew into Houston, I saw, you know, nice green fucking grass and that shit. I didn't realize Houston was right on the water, I always thought you still had to drive

like an hour before you got to the Gulf of Mexico, I don't think I ever looked at that, and I know a lot of you guys are like, oh Bill, did you fucking, you didn't watch your hurricane last year? No, I didn't, I didn't want to watch a bunch of people losing their houses, did you watch it with your fucking popcorn, before there was that disaster, did you know that it sat right on the Gulf unless you lived there? That's actually, you know, something, every time I go to a state, I kind of look where everything's positioned, and it's so fucked how like your brain remembers it, like I always

thought Austin was in between Houston and San Antonio, turns out it isn't, it's just northeast of San Antonio on the 35, and then like, you know, fucking, San Antonio and Houston are all kind of parallel with one another, and of course Dallas is all the way up there on top, Dallas, Texas, where the heat is real and the titties ain't, I had an awesome time when I was up there, and guess what, guess what old Freckles has done, he hasn't drank this whole month, oh did he want one last night, but he didn't, I'm gonna, yeah this is my new thing, I'm drinking the way I smoke cigars, once every 10 to 14 days, if I do that, if I do that alone, I will cut down my drinking by at least 172%, no, I don't

know what I would do, that's the game plan, so I got a little, a little, little shindig August 7th, then I go right back on the wagon until fucking, I'm gonna try to go back on the wagon, that's the hardest thing for me, once I go off, oh, daddy's playing the game again, oh, he's in the game, he got a little dirt on his uniform, yeah, so Nate Craig was out there with me, crushing it every single night, and, I don't know, don't have anything better to say about anything, other than it was weird, it was weird going to Dallas, not sending any of the texts, other than that, it was a good time, alright, that just bummed me out, why would I bum you up, good news, hey, you know something, here's something

that you might not have known about me, but sensed when you were in my presence, I swear to God, if I wasn't a comedian, I could have been a manager, well, at least I could have, I could have been a talent scout, you know, telling you, how many more do I have to call, remember a long time ago, I said, you know, I've been watching this drummer on Instagram, at the Pocket Queen, well, that drummer's gonna be sitting in with the Seth Meyers show all this week, what did I say, go back and look at the old podcast, listen to him, was right there, I could have done it, I could have brought the Red Sox out of their fucking 86 year curse earlier, if they had me as a talent scout, I could just see it, no, I can't

see it in sports, I can't see everyone, whatever, you know, you know what it really is, is you make a fucking thousand guesses, and then one of them comes in, and then what you really do is you just brag about it, which is what I'm doing, so anyways, I'm back out here in Los Angeles, alright, I'm sitting in a very progressive manner, you know what I watched last night, I watched a couple episodes of Seinfeld's new comedians and cars, you gotta see the Brian Regan one, the Dave Chappelle one is awesome, it's Dave Chappelle, but the Seinfeld one, the car that Brian Regan likes, I actually like it too, but it's a 2005, like two-seater Cadillac or something like that, the level with, on all the episodes I've never

seen Seinfeld shed on a car like he shed on that car, from the way it looked to the options to describing the person that was going to drive it, and then Regan of course was Regan and he was fucking hilarious, but I was kind of hoping he was going to bring up how much he did not care for Brian's taste in cars, but you should check it out if you get a chance, so anyways, here's my story, so I'm in Houston, right, and I'm supposed to fly up to Dallas, so once again I fucked up, I wanted to fly into Love Field, because that's the smaller one in Dallas, whatever that fucking metro airport, whatever the hell it is, it's gigantic, but this time I actually went through Dallas airport and it was really easy, oh I know

why because I wasn't connecting, connecting through Dallas, you always gotta get on that fucking monorail, and I swear to God, if you're in terminal B, your connecting flight is in terminal A, and you always have to go all the way around, you always miss it just by one, sure you can grab your bags and start running through the airport, like O.J. Simpson back in the day, I guess maybe that's an option, I don't know, so anyways, I was going to fly up from Houston, but Nate didn't get a ticket, thought we were driving up, so I was like ah fuck it, you know what, I can't remember the last time, I took the 45 North up to, from Houston to Dallas, and canceled my flight, we just fucking drove up there, and I gotta tell you man,

that is a, that's an intense state, Dallas, not Dallas, Texas I mean, I mean there's just like nothing out there, and then all of a sudden you just, you finally fucking come on something, you get so fucking excited, some sort of barbecue joint, I'm like we should stop there man, you're in the middle of nowhere, everything starts looking good, look at that, they got fireworks, let's pull over man, gotta get some of those, I haven't seen anything, any sign of civilization for the last fucking hour, but we ended up stopping at this gas station, they got this Czechoslovakia and a Slovakia, and I don't want to start any fucking wars over there, little dessert thing that they have, that some people put meat in, some people put fruit in it

or whatever, and I only see them in Texas, it's usually when I'm on the 35, right around Waco, Texas, I was joking about that guy all weekend, you know, Joel Olstein, I was teasing those people down in Houston going like, I can't believe you guys were surprised that that guy didn't let you into his house when the hurricane came, you know, he's selling out a basketball arena talking about Jesus, do you think this guy's even remotely honest on any level? Let's do that thing where I have my eyes closed going, Jesus doesn't want you to step on my blue rug, I'm talking about Dave Koresh, oh my god, anyways, is that his name? David Koresh, really good looking guy man, you remind me of that guy who started California, Californication,

he's also in the X-Files, David Duchovny, sort of understated vibe with them with like Richard Gears hair, or was that more of a Rambo haircut, you know, I gotta look it up now, like if you could go back in time, you go, hey, to the cops right before that guy went nuts, hey man, you gotta get this guy, he's saying he's Jesus, oh what's he look like, you know, he kind of looks like, he's got like a Rambo haircut, like David Duchovny with just a splash of Richard Gears, sounds like a cover of People magazine from fucking 1989, what am I looking up, David Koresh, the K factor, he definitely would have got the plane ticket to Vegas, look at the guy, you know what I mean, if you take off those fucking glasses, he looks like he could have

done the Bjorn Borg story, this is what's gonna freak me out, how long did this guy live, from 1959 to 1923, oh Jesus, he was 33, oh he was 33, you know those Jesus freaks, that's when they like to die, that's when they like to die, oh Jesus died at 33, so if I fucking die too, then that means I'm just as his father or two, made no sense, I thought it was gonna come out on the sun, anyways, so I've been eating perfectly the whole weekend and then I stopped and I got a couple of those, I don't know what the fuck they're called, Czechoslovak, oh hang on, I'm gonna get you the name of them, I can't find, I think it was called like a colosh or something like that, I can't find it, what the, come on, there it is, K-O-L-A-C-H-E, oh my god they're delicious, hey Nia,

wait who's that, hey buddy, oh you got your book, you want me to read your story, baby, oh is it, hi buddy, hi buddy, can I get a kiss, all right, oh the boss baby, do you guys like to listen to little freckles regio kid's book, oh you didn't, okay, don't touch that, don't touch that, yeah yeah yeah, thank you, I appreciate you showing me, that was there, yeah I have to do a podcast man, I don't know if I can do this right now, all right, from the moment the baby arrived, it was obvious that he was the boss, yeah he looks like it, he put mom and dad on the round the clock schedule with no time off, thank you, does this seem familiar kiddo, I'm bombing with her right now and then he set up his office right smack dab in the middle of the house, she's not even

listening to me, I have like no charisma here whatsoever, she's finding the crap on my couch way more interesting, he made demands, many many demands, he got a little trump suit on and he was quite particular, I don't like that, if things weren't done to his satisfaction he had a fit, well it sounds like these parents need to pooch kick him into his crib, he conducted meetings lots and lots and lots of meetings, hey are you interested in this at all, I have to get back to my podcast, keep reading, all right, many of the meetings happen in the middle of the night, the funky thing, when was this written, Marla Frazzi, is that an old black woman Marla, the funky thing, well that came out of nowhere, is it the 70s, he never ever said a single word

that made any sense, but that didn't stop him, she wants to run around, all right do you want to look at this, I just feel like everybody's fast-forwarding through this, whoa, whoa, all right and then daddy went back to his podcast, the end, is that cool, bye, I have to get back to a particularly excruciatingly unfunny podcast that I've been recording, anytime I start and I start like promoting something or whatever the hell I just did, my whole brain just goes out the damn window, you want me to read that book again, okay, sorry guys, this is just part of it now, The Boss Baby by Marla Frazzi, from the moment the baby arrived, all right let me get back to this, so bye bye, say I love you,

there you go, she can't say it, she just goes, yesterday after I flew back from Dallas, I landed at LAX and I met a friend of mine, believe it or not, who owns one of those Vietnam era fucking helicopters, the Hue UH ones and he was there with his instructor and they picked me up and the thing, it literally sounded like I was in fucking apocalypse now and you know he flew around up the coast to Malibu and all that stuff and then we landed at the small airport, got some lunch and then they let me fly it and it was amazing, you know it's funny, people always said if you can fly an R-22 you can fly anything, the R-22 is the little egg beater that I fly and it's kind of like driving a car I would say with like no power steering or power brakes, you're really

doing it but despite all that, anytime you get a new helicopter it's like, it's not just like if someone was to like taxi it out for you and you just took off, it's very easy to fly anything but it's like when you come to a hover and you're doing little turns and stuff and trying to set it down on the pad, I don't know, that's when I sit there thinking like that, okay you might be able to fly it but I don't think you can maneuver it well, so we just did some pad work and then I flew from Camarillo all the way out to to Burbank, it was amazing, it was fucking amazing and I want to thank my buddy for letting me do it, not naming any names or any of that crap, now speaking of helicopters everybody keeps telling me I got to see that new Tom Cruise mission impossible, doesn't

it seem like my podcast lately that I'm subtly throwing in advertising, I swear to God I'm not, I watched that movie, The Death of Stalin yesterday on the plane, Jesus Christ, I don't know who the hell wrote that man, how do you turn that guy into a comedy but somehow they did it, it was fucking hilarious, two of my favorites of all time, Steve Buscemi and Jeffrey Tambor, all right they're absolutely hilarious and I wish I knew the name of the one of the other lead cronies there, the fucking amazing movie, this is this, you know what it is, I don't have my fucking headphones, I don't have a microphone, I just, this is like, this is like kryptonite, you know, I'm under the fucking gun, I got to go fucking meet somebody, I got no time, well Bill

maybe you want to drive and fly around and fucking amazing helicopters, you a-hole and recorded this yesterday, we wouldn't have listened to this mediocre shit, hey this week I'm going to be at Rough and Rowdy, Rough and Rowdy Brawl August 5th, this podcast is nothing but promotion in fucking, what the hell am I going to be in Youngstown, Ohio, you can pre-order the fight at roughinrowdybrawl.com, Rough, the letter N, rowdybrawl.com, they got a Pride versus Prejudice, they have a gay pat is going to be fighting this ex-fallon who doesn't like gays, that's the title fight and then we have a cop fight and a skateboarder, you know, and then there's also a bunch of Cleveland Brown fans and Steeler fans that want to beat the shit out of each other and it's all done in the name of

fun, how do you not sit and watch that man, it's like a tough man competition but with stories, you know, and it's really never ending the kind of people that you could, the matchups with how much people don't get along, you know, you could have neighbor versus neighbor, you get in the gay community, you could go with ex-boyfriends and girlfriends, you know, because then it's still chick on chick guy on guy, right? Bearded ladies, I don't know, it's endless and I can't wait to go but right before I do that or the day after is some shit, I'm going to be in Rochester, New York, home of Steve Gad with Dean Del Rey coming off a marvelous performance up at the Just for Laughs festival. Anyways, I can't, you know something, the first time ever I'm actually starting to feel

my goddamn age, you know, and I was in Dallas, the fact that I had like two shows and I rode up sitting down in that frigging car, I'm telling you, you know, I was like, it seemed like I was going to go shovel somebody's driving. Once I get out on the stage, I'm fine, but actually I'm probably fine the whole time, but I'm just like, just the thought of it. Two shows never bugged me, three was always like, all right, what the fuck? What am I, working in a mine here? I thought I got into show business to have a nice easy fucking life here. Yeah, this has been like feeling my age, so I got to get back to, I don't know what, you know, because I shouldn't be feeling, I used to feel a little bit, my fucking nose, my, my shoulder's fine, and now my knee is fucked up. I don't even

know what the hell I did to it. Just crawling around playing with my daughter all of a sudden, just my knee all of a sudden, felt like really, I don't know what, hot stinging pain, but it's not constant, and it's only when I put pressure on it, so I don't think that it's bone to bone, thank God. I don't think I've been active enough to have that shit. This is one of my favorite things to do, by the way, is to let you guys know what some of my ailments are, and then you guys all just turn into doctors. It's one of my favorite things. Dude, you know what that is? It's actually your kidney. Hear me out. One time there was this guy, right, and it just fucking goes into that shit, and he was out on the golf course, you guys, you know, I'm gonna have the doctor look at my,

my knees, and the next day he died of a kidney apparatus, a kidney, aorta, what do they call that? Kidney hemorrhage. Hemorrhage. So anyways, I ate that fucking little Czechoslovakian dish, and then I went right back to salads, and I was fine and fine and fine, and then late at night, these goddamn hotels, they always get me. They always had the little snack thing. I had eaten perfect, perfect, perfect. When I was in Houston, unbelievably, there was no snack tray. Now, everybody knows Houston was voted unprecedented, back to back. They went back to back as the fattest city in America, okay? And this is no, you know, it's not like these are, this is some little fucking, you're not going up against

cupcakes here in America, no pun intended, all right? We're some of the fattest people on the planet. I don't even think we are. I gotta be honest with you. Maybe we are, but collectively, but when you're in the city, you know, you don't see a lot of fat people. You're in the city, there's just too many eyes on you, you know? You get out in the country, man. I mean, shit, you can just walk your property fuck and butt ass naked. Who gives a, you know, nobody cares how fat you get. And those overalls will hide the first 40 pounds. Who's kidding? Remember Uncle Jesse? That big goddamn beer belly he had, but he had in the overalls. So he looked like Santa Claus. Just a good old boy. Never mean in no home.

His stomachs full of booze and fucking regret. He doesn't even know his kids. Was that what that whole thing was about? He was Uncle Jesse, and Bowen Luke were cousins. He must have come from a big family because that should have been, odds are, it should have been one of their dads, right? Cooter. Which is crazy. Cooter, you got your ear down? I'm actually at the end of the sixth season of 77 Sunset Strip. It got canceled after 20 episodes and I'm really going to miss that show and I hope that me TV, which I'm going to look up right now, is going to go back to episode one again because I missed it. I could have watched the whole series since last November and I didn't

even know it was on. And I would have loved to, and I really wanted to see those first five episodes because he was in LA. Anytime they were in LA, I would always hit pause just to see if I could recognize where they were. There he goes. Me TV, 77 Sunset Strip. Come on man, give me a fucking showing. Give me a showing schedule. Is that one? 77 has its roots in an underrated, I don't care about that. Come on, schedule. Watch, it's going to be over. I'm sorry, we have no listings of that. Weeknights at 4 a.m. Are they going to start over again? But you stopped. I didn't get one on Thursday or Friday. So let me read some of the advertising here. I got nothing for you here this week, guys.

The Red Sox beat the Twins. There's something. We got the Phillies tonight for some more exciting interleague play. They have interleague play like every fucking two days now. They always got to kill it. The Yankees, they have fucking big man there, Aaron Judgeway, fucking chipped a bone in his hand. It hit him right in the palm too, man. It's got to fucking kill. Sometimes like chipping your elbow seems like, well, it's kind of sticking out, so it wouldn't hurt that much. It's designed for that, like the inside of your palm to chip that. As far as the worst bones to break, here's another one, cheekbone. Yep, Meeghan filed that under fuck that. Obviously, you don't want to break your neck.

You can break a toe. You know what I mean? Like, do you think that they were torturing you and they wanted you to give up where the base was? You could handle a broken toe, right? You just do that. I wasn't so bad. I'm still not telling you fuck. You know, once the guy goes to the rusty tool, so it's like, all right, man, what are we doing here? What the fuck do you want to know? I don't give a shit. What are they going to call me? Let me go if I tell you. I know you're going to kill me. Let me just tell you where everything is and you just take out the drill. Hey, smiley. Oh, the itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout. How are you doing? You want me to read the boss baby again?

Huh? Oh, you're excited, huh? Whoa. Oh, bye. See you later. All right, let's show off here. Okay, uh, laughing, crying, angry, surprised. There you go. Good job, buddy. Where's your toe toe? You know that word? Honey, I have to read advertising here, so I can keep buying you food. Keep buying you food. Yeah, that's how it works. All right. All right. Oh, look at this first one. Honey. Whoa.

Oh, it's okay, buddy. I'll be out there in a minute. I'll be out there in a minute. Oh my god. Oh, she's holding her arms out. Oh, just holding her arms out looking at me. Oh boy. Oh boy. Okay. And now I have to continue podcasting under these circumstances. All right. First read of the week. Honey. Millions of people are using honey to save money while shopping online. And why wouldn't they? It's very hostile. It's free. It's free. It takes just two clicks to add to your browser and save you tons and saves you tons of money. It's ingenious. But one of my absolute favorite things about honey is how much better it makes shopping on Amazon. Please personalize this to

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read it. All right, Russia feeling left out. Hey, you Bill Burov. I've been listening to you talking about your upcoming Eastern European tour in the latest podcast, but not hearing about any stops in Russia leaves me quite scarred and traumatized every time the podcast ends. Is this guy making fun of millennials or how soft Americans are or millennials a worldwide problem? I mean, what's the deal with leaving us out? Stand up is very popular here right now. Stand up in Russia? I mean, are you allowed to talk about anything? I can't see going over there doing a Vladimir Putin fucking impression, could I? Then what happens? All of a sudden somebody sprays some mist on me, and I'm sure you can easily pack a full show several times over in places like Moscow

and St. Petersburg. Besides, think of all the experiences you can have in the OG vodka capital of the world. It's dirt cheap with the current exchange rates. The cities are beautiful and quite different from what you see anywhere else. The people are friendly, welcoming, and fun loving. Was this written by the KGB? Or is this really a regular person? You never know. I mean, we haven't gotten along for a long time. I know it kind of died down for a minute, but you know, it's always going to be Yankees and Red Sox with us, unfortunately. To be honest with you, dude, I'm actually, I was talking to my agent about trying to add Moscow, which I shouldn't have said because now everybody's always trying to add it. And then if I don't, then I'm a fucking asshole.

Um, anyways, he said, I know we have a bad rap currently. Even heard you mention that gay people and journalists are being killed here, which would be laughable to us if not so many people believe those stories. Uh, oh, you don't think, oh my God, am I, who's living under the right media bubble? Anyways, but let me ask, just ask you one thing, if you're so skeptical about trusting the media in your everyday life, why go around and believe what that same media is spewing about other countries? Not saying you should take my word for it. Come and see for yourself. Hey, come on over, Bill. We're not killing anybody over here. Grab him. Make your own decision. In the meantime, give a little gift of laughter to Melt Our Cold. My shriek. Loving hearts. I don't even

want to say it. Have a nice day and go fuck yourself. Oh man. Um, no, I would love to fucking go over there and, uh, I don't know what the fuck to believe, but I do know this. Uh, we're not the only ones lying. You know, okay, don't believe the American media, but believe my media about my country. Well, I guess maybe I should believe. I mean, look, I don't think I would, if I went over there, yeah, I would be honest. I don't know. Maybe you're being honest. Who the fuck knows, you know? I think we should just grow up and join forces. Um, okay, AARP. Uh, hi Bill. I've heard on your podcast that you was, oh wait, by the way, have you guys seen the Vladimir Putin fucking goes out and plays hockey and they just letting him score right and left? I gotta fucking post that video.

You know, that's that type of shit. You know what I mean? Like, do you think they'd let Donald Trump score? They probably would. But we always had that thing. Oh, they're not, they're letting them score because they don't want to get sent to Siberia. Um, AARP, hi Bill. Hey, you know something? I would like to hear from more Russian people. I want you guys to infiltrate my fucking podcast here. Like you did the last election. Oh, a hot take. I don't even know if you did that. Um, I have no idea. I don't pay, I don't watch the news. Um, AARP, hi Bill. I heard on your podcast that you received AARP invitation to join. The biggest benefit we get from AARP is that it's, is a very large lobbyist for us old people. Please join. Thanks. Oh my god. Did I just join a group?

Um, yeah, for those of you who didn't listen last week, I, uh, I'm 50 years old now, which makes me qualified for AARP and I can, I can go to the movies for like eight dollars. You know, I can get a custom cane walking cane or something. If I want, there's a whole bunch of things I can do. Um, I'm actually, you know what? I was on the road and I saw there was an email or something I needed to fill out. Um, anyways, plowing ahead further. You know, I gotta be honest with you guys. I'm always honest on this podcast. Last night, Nia had this little square of fucking weed and she goes, take a bite of it. I got, I hate eating weed. I don't like eating it. And she goes, nah, just try it. I don't, I don't want to. So she talks me into it. I'm eating dinner and I ate the

fucking thing and I never really felt anything. And about 10 minutes ago on this podcast, all of a sudden it fucking hit me like 12 hours later. You know, I'm not like fucking tripping, but I think that's why I was reading like XXXX twice instead of once. I have no idea. I thought this shit is supposed to make you like clearer. I, I really miss booze. I mean, you just kind of know what's going to happen. Like what's going on right now? Is this like some Bruce Lee shit? It's my brain swell up now and I just keel over on my own podcast. Um, anyways, nutrition. You goofy bald headed, bald headed potato looking fuck. Jesus Christ. You're harsh in the mellow, man. I know you are looking to go to a nutritionist for advice. Be warned. This industry isn't

particularly well regulated. Yeah, I know. I know it's terrifying. Basically, once they, they have that degree, they don't have any oversight like real doctors. If they fuck you over, there's only so much that you can do. Well, I could sue them, but what are you saying? They don't have the money of a doctor. So what's the point? Uh, here's what you should do. Hey, find a nutritionist that provides advice based on lab work. Most of these cunts will just have you keep a food journal and then give you advice based on what you ate over the week. This is stupid and can be both misleading and inaccurate, not to mention expensive lab. No. Find a nutritionist that provides advice based on lab work. Well, I mean, it's, it's, can't you just fucking sit there throwing out stats?

Four to five doctors recommended this as barriers. Um, anyways, be whatever product they get you to start taking, ask them if they get money for the referral. And what are they going to say? Yes. Um, a good nutritionist won't try to sell you something just because they get a kick back and an even better one will give you a list of options of things you can do based on your blood work. And I mean, this all makes sense. I guess eight people that have to give their opinion, give you their credentials as a means of validating their opinion. But for context, I'm a member of team USA and competed in the 2006 Olympics in Rio. Jesus Christ, fucking throwing your dick on the table here. The only reason I say this is that,

is for the example that team USA is sponsored by Coca Cola and even our nutritionist attempt to hook us up on protein brand, um, on a protein brand owned by Coke. Yeah. That's how it works. Everybody has a side deal, despite it being an inferior and more expensive product. Wow. Wow. They recommended it to the athletes, isn't that? And there was, and there was gold medals on the line. Anyways, just saying, be careful who you listen to. They even do elite athletes with this shit. Well, you know what? That's probably one of the most informed fucking emails I ever read. Or, or, or, yeah, I guess it is an email, right? Letter. When I was a, when I was a kid, they called them letters. Yeah, I got, I know I have to watch out for that. One of the reasons I

got a nutrition in this is because when I went online, anything that I looked up about food, I mean, the whole front, I don't know how many pages was just all big time websites. And, and then just conf, everything was conflicting. You know, these are good. Don't eat those. I'll tell you, you got belly flat. You know what the problem is? Bananas. A lot of people think bananas are fucking, it's just like, you know, I don't know. I love when people do that. And you start telling you like certain fruits and vegetables are bad for you. It's like, yeah, well, I imagine if I ate a fucking bushel of them, it's not good. But isn't there also like some sort of potassium or some shit I get out of bananas? I don't know. Gorillas eat them. They

look pretty fucking buff. 23 and me. Here's the old Billy Cheeto. Oh, hey there, Billy, old Billy Cheeto dick. Oh man, come on, man. Link to the article at the bottom. But I know you don't read. So here's the gist. All right, hang on a second. 23 and me is getting lots of money from big pharmacy. What the fuck is this? Okay. And he goes, all right, he goes, you were absolutely right. This company 23 and me is set to make 300 million from sharing their users generic information with big pharmacy. Oh, is that one of those? Like ancestry.com websites? They say it's so the buying company can use the data to develop medical breakthroughs or some shit. But I'm sure we all know that's bullshit, except to see robot replacements within a decade

or two. Anyways, thought you could use some vindication from a fellow conspiracy nuts. Have a good one and go swap your own spit. Go fuck yourself. I would actually guess that all of that is true. Okay, they're going to use all of that information to develop new drugs, I would think, because they're trying to make money, none of which will cure you. They'll just keep you, you know, on the hook will keep them all just alive enough that he keeps buying a little pill. And then I also think the robots are going to come. Absolutely. You know, but the bottom line is, is the people who are making the robots are overseeing it are also human. So it's in their best interest to try and cure shit for other humans, right?

I already told you my philosophy, right? My fucking theory was basically I should have told you guys about that fucking stupid pot square thing. Because right now you're like, Oh man, this is because he's high, you know, fucking people who are like into weed always give it credit. You know, like I didn't already have this thought. I had this paranoid thought. Stone sober alone in a hotel room. This is what I think. I think that they're going to fucking use this shit to build robots and then they're going to kill everybody off and keep a certain amount of people alive. And their job's going to be to like keep reproducing. So the Illuminati can harvest the organs. I swear to God. That's gotta be from the weed, man. No,

I swear to God. I've actually said that on stage this weekend. Stone sober after eating a salad. You know, a lot of those salads actually have chemical sprayed all over them. So you're actually, I know, I know, there's no fucking way around it. All right, Bill, from a lady. Hey, Bill, the Blase, Blasekunt, the Blasekunt. I'm a relatively recent listener of your podcast, as of seeing you at Clusterfest in San Francisco a year ago. All right, I guess that does make sense, but it's kind of written in a passive aggressive Shakespearean way. You could have fucking arranged the letters a little more straight forward there. All right, I'm not going to lie. That one right there, that was the weed. I literally have a

meeting in a half hour. Like what the, I'm just going to find, I can't imagine the show I'm going to agree to do. All right, not looking where I was going. I almost accidentally walked into you while you were on your way to interview Jerry Seinfeld. Most is the same way. I probably came off as rude for my deer in the headlight moments of literally running into one of the best comedians of all time. Did I write this? So hope you can accept my late apology. What am I fucking in Lord of the Rings here? Yeah, you are forgiven. She is spared. I thought your interview and headliner act was terrific and hope to see another one of your shows. That was one of the coolest fucking days ever, by the way. I fucking got to do my own show that day. No, it was a day after

I finished my show. The next day I got to interview Jerry Seinfeld in a theater in front of, I don't know, a couple thousand people while he promoted the latest season of comedians in cars. Had a great time and then I walked out the door and had a car service to go over with Josh Adam Myers. We had booked a car service to go over to the NBA finals to see like game three of the NBA finals. Golden stake versus the Cleveland Warriors. And the driver was so cool, he let us smoke cigars in the back. Come on, man. One of the great fucking days of my life. Anyways, I'm glad you mentioned you wanted more women to write into your show. I would love, yeah, because I love trashing you. No, I'm kidding. I would like to hear what it is that you think.

I would love if you had more female guests on your podcast. Oh, Jesus. I don't think I've ever had a woman on my podcast. Does that mean I'm sexist? Sexist? Sexist? I don't think I actually appealed to women. And I can tell you why, because my shows are sausage fest. And when I go outside, I can't even tell you how many times somebody will be like, it'll be a couple and they want a picture and like the wife or girlfriend takes the picture and they never want one. Just the guy does. So, I mean, I don't know. I think maybe this is just like I don't know. I'm trying to think of something that's so strictly for guys like footballs, you know, basically that version. I'm trying to pick something to actually offend women.

Footballs are for everybody. Anyways, I was wondering if you could give me some dating advice. Um, society generally teaches women at a young age that men are suitors and women are courted. But as a 27 year old woman who dates women, sometimes it gets particularly difficult to figure out who does what role, especially if both women are very feminine. Well, at that point, you got to step it up. Also just be a staring contest. Right? Sometimes these roles just fit naturally. But other times there isn't a clear sense of direction. And the whole thing just falls apart. Well, let me ask you this. All right, because opposites attract, they always say. And I've dated people who are too similar to me. And it's just, we want to yin and a yang. We were

two yangs. So we had half the fucking thing taken care of and the rest was a shit show. So in the lesbian world, all right, if both women are feminine, does that have less of a chance of making it as a relationship? We want to hear from lesbians, we're taking college. It's fat, fat, fat. Sometimes these roles just fit naturally. But other times there isn't a clear sense of direction. And the whole thing just falls apart. I'm also not naturally comfortable with approaching women. It buys or social events that eventually wait for someone else to make the first move. You got all the power here because it's all women, right? So there's nothing holding you back here,

other than that voice in your head going, what if she says no? Recently, I feel like I've missed out on some good opportunities for dates because of this. What advice would you give to someone who isn't used to being the proactive or leading role in a dating situation? Thanks and best wishes to your family. Oh yeah, and go fuck yourself. Well, why don't you just start hitting on somebody you're not interested in? You don't just just practice and just say that stupidest, dumbest, most over the top shit. I mean, I'm applying this to as a guy if you're afraid to talk to women. It's kind of like you got to see the humor in it. You got to see the humor in getting up, thinking someone gave you a look like, yeah, I'm into you. And you walk all the way over there.

And it turns out they were looking at somebody else or whatever you say to them just completely bombs. And then instantly in that moment, you know, I should just turn around and walk back to where I was. But just out of some stupid pride, you'll continue to stand there for 10 minutes, no adding, rather than ripping the bandaid off, just slowly tearing it off. So that person can reject you for another fucking sixth of an hour. Oh, she said, PS, I've been vegan for six plus years and found it does work. It does wonders for my health. Changing my diet literally cured a moderate skin condition. I had since I was a child. If you're still curious about giving veganism a trust, a test run, sorry, I'd say, try it out for a month and see how you feel.

It definitely works for me. But I know that's not the case for everyone who tries it. Yeah, I'm trying to be lazy about learning how to do it. Where I just like, go to nutritionist, teach me, you know, or just like hang out with somebody that's, you know, show me some of just give me a fucking big, you know what I wish they just had like a giant March madness, like poster for how to be a vegan, like that easy, you know what I mean? Like you look, okay, these two teams play now this team's names here. So I know it won that game. I wish they could just fucking do that and break it down. And the bracket leads to the finals, which is protein, or it leads to fucking whatever the fuck, whatever else you need carbohydrates, I don't fucking know.

I swear to God, I am literally going to sue my girl, my wife for fucking drugging me here. I came to keep my fucking thoughts straight at this point. Girlfriends, arguably racist family. Oh, boy. Oh, Jesus. I'm a black guy in Louisiana with the girlfriend who's white. Her family is very religious and reserved as am I. Although we are kind of religious, her and I not our families, per se, where we have our beliefs and don't shove them down people's throats. Anyways, the problem is she has, she had a kid with the black guy right before I met her. All right, she has a type. Her kid is not even six months. He left her high and dry and wants nothing to do with them. Now seeing as we are in the South, I asked her a normal question down here.

Is your family okay with you dating a black guy? That question gets asked all over the country, by the way. There's this myth that racism is just down in the South. She was very honest and said, eh, my mom and dad should be fine. He eats fried chicken every Sunday, so you love him. She said that. My grandparents and that generation, not so much. Well, she was making, I guess this is a joke. This is one like reading it, you're like, I don't know how this was said. Anyways, fair enough, I'll work with that. The problem is, after she talked me up to her mom and her mom saw a picture of me, she was like, oh no, he's black. You're just going to get hurt. So I don't know if her mom was just inherent. Oh, inherited the

racism or if she feels that way because a black guy ditched her pregnant daughter. How do I approach this? They live in the woods. Jesus Christ. This sounds like a fucking Tarantino movie. You know, one of those little shorts that he makes, you know, and going back to visit them is kind of sketchy to me. And I haven't told my mom because she'd have an aneurysm. Yeah, don't go in the woods of fucking Louisiana to fucking visit some, this feels like get out. Don't fucking do that. And their kid, yeah, the chicken. Oh, wait a minute. This is get out. You motherfucker. Is that what this is? Oh, I've been had. You know what? That's embarrassing. Anyways, rough and rowdy bro. No, wait, did she get pregnant in that movie? Now, I don't know if that's real

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