Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-31-17

Episode Date: July 31, 2017

Bill rambles about heat waves, ole fatty cakes and MLB.

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I wasn't going to call you. Information and information on Proximus.be. Proximus. Think possible. What's going on? What's going on? Oh, Jesus Christ. How's your summer?

Huh? Is it going to be a heat wave? The heat's coming back. Oh my God. Please try to stay inside, inside the air conditioning. If you don't have air conditioning, please try to remember to keep your windows open and stick your head through the opening in the window. Not in the solid part of the wall. You know, when they do that shit on the news and they try to help old people not die in the summer heat.

What a fucking way to go. You live almost a century and you've lived through the wars. You've lived through the depression. You've lived through the fucking New York in the 70s and all that. What finally gets you? A hot summer day. And you're just sitting there, what am I so sweaty for? And you just can't, you just can't get to the window.

It's like when you'd watch wrestling, right? And it's one of those tag team wrestling matches and the guy just can't get to his teammate to fucking slap his hand and tag him in. That's what it is. And that's it. They lie there. They find him face down in wrestling trunks. The greatest generation stormed the beaches of Normandy taken out by a fucking heat wave. Does it every year?

How many heroes? How many years people are we going to put up with the sun taking another one of our heroes away? I swear to God, you know, maybe if there was a different administration, they would handle the threat of the sun. Right? Am I talking politics now? Is that what I'm doing? Let's talk politics. Why?

Why do we keep fucking with this douche in Korea? Why don't you just leave him alone? You know what I mean? It's like when you're on the subway and the crazy guy comes in the car, you don't look at him, you don't start talking to him. Just fucking leave him alone. Leave him alone. There's nothing to. Why don't they just let the fucking guy, you know, run his country the way he wants to run his fucking country,

send some food in there, feed the fucking people. Why does he have to have the same fucking ideas about strip malls that we do in order for us to get along with them? Huh? Haven't we proven that it doesn't matter what kind of government you have. In the end, there's going to be human beings running it, so they're going to selfishly fuck the whole thing up anyways. Who gives a shit if he's over there lighting off his fucking M80s? Let him do it. The guy is clearly unbelievably insecure.

He clearly is trying to somehow follow in the footsteps of his dad's giant fucking shoes, although he's probably smaller. I don't know how tall those guys are over there, but whatever. Tall for over there, big shoes for North Korea, especially with all the lack of nutrition that's got a stunt to grow through your feet. He's there, right? Why don't they just fucking, you know? We should, like when he shoots something off, we should just feed his ego. Whoa! There you go.

Way to go there, Kim Jong-il the second. Whatever your fucking name is. Hey you, fatty cakes. That was a good one. Dude, that's sick. You like that? Look at ours. That's awesome.

Fist bump. Good man, good man. Good man. Hey, here's a copy of the last year's Super Bowl. Check it out, man. It's fucking amazing. What do you got? You got a Gangnam style DVD you want to trade with us?

Why can't we just try to get along with this guy? What is the fucking problem? Huh? Like we give a shit what the fuck he's doing to his people. These cunts who run shit over here, they don't give a fuck how many people are upside down in their own house. They didn't give a fuck about the people in New Orleans. They give a fuck about those people in North Korea. No, they do not.

No, they do not. You know what it is? They're sitting on a bunch of material that you could turn into those beats by Dre. And goddamn it, we want it. So that's what we're going to do. We're going to act like this fucking goddamn fatso with his fucking three missiles is going to be a problem. Yeah, I don't understand. Just leave the guy alone.

They're talking now, right? According to Google News that I didn't even read it. All I did was just click on it. It says US allies prepared to use overwhelming force in North Korea, General says. We're prepared to shoot a bunch of missiles in his general area, says the general. Hoping that one of them lands on him and we kill as few innocent people as possible. They would never say that. The US and its allies are prepared to use rapid and lethal, rapid, lethal and overwhelming force if necessary against North Korea.

The commander of the US Pacific Air Force is warned Saturday night. And why are we doing this? Because this guy's shooting off his own fireworks because he's testing missiles the way we do. North Korea remains the most urgent threat to regional stability. Oh, Shaughnessy said. Oh, Shaughnessy, you've done it again. Oh, Jesus Christ. Do we really got to go in there and blow this guy up with a bunch of other people just trying to fucking get to work?

There's got to be another way to do it. Don't we have any James Bond guys that can just kind of go in there and start banging the hottest chicks in North Korea as they subtly try to kill him? You know, but the power of his dick is so overwhelming they forget to kill him. And then by the time they realized I was supposed to kill that guy, but I was so busy having orgasms, right? He's already out the door. He's got the passcodes and then he goes down there. How would you kill that guy? How would you kill that fat bastard?

You know, you know what I would do? I'd give him a honey of a hand. You know, the glazed ones that they have around Christmas except in the glaze would be some sort of cyanide. That's where you hide the poison. You know, and he would just be staring at it. And he would just mouth would be watering so much that he couldn't wait for the official taste tester to give it a try, you know? And he would literally die while making himself a sandwich. You know, when you're so hungry, you're making the sandwich and you're already fucking throwing chunks of meat in your mouth.

That's what he would be doing. So it'd be two places. He looks like a white bread guy, doesn't he? He's definitely not a multigrain, you know? Do you think he gets an everything bagel on the way to work every day? And a hairless bastard, I bet he doesn't even have to wear deodorant, you know? There's a lot of things to like about him. He's fat, you know, so he's non-threatening.

You know, that means he likes to fucking stay up late, Netflix and chill. You can see that about him, you know? Do you think he knows how to dance? Have you noticed that about little people and fat people? They transcend race when it comes to dancing, you know? It's like white guys can't dance pretty much in general unless they're fat or they're a little person. Then all of a sudden they're just fucking, it's just like, wow, were you in the beat it video? What's going on here?

It's because they had to. That's what happens. You have to. There's a certain amount of ice cream that you eat where the laws of nature just take over and at some point you have to learn how to dance. Or you're just going to be heading into an abyss of sadness that, you know, there's not enough chips of horror in the world can fill that void. Or is it that they get that sweat into the oldies, Richard Simmons thing,

and that just kind of launches this talent they didn't know? This is just for fat people. I don't know about little people. I think little people, because they're down at the ground, they can see the steps easier. We're like when Michael Jackson first moonwalked, everybody was as tall as Michael Jackson so we couldn't figure out what he was doing with his feet. But little people were down at the ground. They were like, I got that shit.

Right? And the next day you're in the subway. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And it was like fucking eight little people all coming at you. I'm telling you. Nia, did you ever see that? What? You ever go into the subways of Brooklyn and there was a bunch of little people doing,

recreating the bad video? No. Let's go, go, go, go, go because I'm bad. I'm bad. No? What's going on? I'm in a stupid mood. I'm trying to, how would you solve North Korea?

I have no idea. You know, it's fine. He's like baby fat. That's what I like about that guy. Like if you wore shorts, it probably looked like old cutie pies there. You get ready for a nap. Oh, you did. You did.

You want to go to Brooklyn today and watch us eat real people food? Well, you keep drinking milk? All right. Oh, is that RQ to be dismissed? No, I don't know. I don't know what I was talking. I was talking about some fucking stupid shit. Um, yeah.

So why, why? Like honestly, what would happen if we just left that guy alone? You know, what would happen if you just, I'm seriously asking this, if you lifted all the sanctions and he was able to trade with the world and they were able to fucking get some food in there, whatever the fuck's going on. If you just honestly just let him do his shit. I mean, we shoot our fucking missiles all the time. We don't use the way we do.

This is what kills me. How do we even know what the fuck he's doing over there? Who has fucking time to be watching this shit? Can you imagine if that was your goddamn job and then you go in home on the subway and then you sit next to me and you're watching me losing my shit because I can't download the new operating system and you're sitting there dealing with the fact that there's some chubby little fella on the other side of the world

shooting us some shit that could possibly be on its way over here right now. I don't know. Do you think if the animals had the abilities, they had the ability to shoot those missiles, do you think they would do it in an effort to try to wipe all of us out so they could just go back to fucking catching trout in a stream? You know, if there was going to be an animal out there that would betray us, which species do you think it would be?

You know, it'd have to be something at least at the level of a bear. Reptiles are out. Reptiles are like, you know, they're like, you know, there's those kids that go to the, like reptiles have like learning disabilities, right? They have like fucking dyslexia, ADD, you know, they're like the Ritalin kids of the animal kingdom. Are they even considered an animal? Is a reptile an animal? I always forget this shit.

An amphibian, right? An amphibian is something that can be, it's like Aquaman, right? He's out of the ocean, he's talking to a dolphin, and then later on that night, you know, he's getting sushi. I'd be fucked up, right? He's on a date getting sushi. There's dates sitting there looking at him like,

you know, you just seem like you're somewhere else, you just got like the way of the world, and he's sitting there going like, I wonder if I'm eating somebody that helped me out one time. Remember that shit? For some reason they would all come and help them. They never really explained that, did they? Why they all liked them? Why they would interrupt whatever the fuck it is that they were doing

to stop some other fucking people in a boat, because they're bringing a key of cocaine or some shit into the US, like a whale doesn't even know what cocaine is. Why is it going to hurt its tail smashing this boat? Because as much as it can smash the boat, this pointy stuff, right? There's the mast and all of that, he could hurt himself. And all he gets is a thank you. You know, does Aquaman go, hey, thanks a lot.

By the way, there's a bunch of plankton over there. Little heads up, no one's seen it yet. Thank you Aquaman, he never did. You just be like, oh, thank you. How fucking insecure are these goddamn fish? Here's another thing too, I'm sick of fucking hot newscasters, male and female, alright? What are you trying to do here?

You know? I don't need to be aroused when I'm fucking listening to world news. Holy shit, what happened to that fucking lady's face? Oh, it won't go down, come on, go down, scroll down. Oh man, I don't get how to use computers. There's something on the side, where is it? Where's the lady, alright? An Arizona woman played dead?

Alright, wait a second. Oh, this is all this clickbait stuff. Kendall Jenner's nude photo sparks. Who gives a shit? She really is the best looking one of all of them, isn't she? No offense to Caitlyn. Alright, so I guess now we're going, so we're having a war with Afghanistan,

we're having one with Iraq, and now we're going to have one with North Korea. Isn't this like when Home Depot opened so many fucking locations, they started putting each other out of business? Alright, Jesus Christ. We're going to do another one. We're going to start another one, alright, what are you going to do? Hey, you know, the fuck, I guess I mean, what do I know?

I'm just another asshole with the podcast. Just trying to struggle through an hour. You know what I really wish, I just wish like, you know, why can't they just do it? There's some guy shooting off his firecrackers, you don't like it, just go fucking do it, stop dragging me into it, showing me what this guy can do,

and how his missiles can fucking, you know, his little Roman candle can fucking somehow land on my house. What does that do for me? I might go do it, stop putting some plywood up on top of my house like a hurricane's coming. Jesus Christ, you're in the fucking Navy,

you go, that's your job. Is it world news when I can't put together my new hour or stand up? Oh, shut up. Go fuck yourself. What do you want from me? So, oh, anyway, so my daughter was grabbing onto this pleather couch that we have here. All right, because she's learned,

she's learning to crawl. And it's funny, she was like planking today, you know, doing like, not like what the kids did on the internet, we just laid face down, face planting is what I thought it should be called. She was like literally doing, she was in upper push-up position, how about that? The upper push-up position.

And she was learning something, you know, and I should have just let her figure shit out. Instead I went, there you go, there you go. And then she just dropped down to the floor, looked up to me and smiled and was like, ah, I just distracted her. So anyways, they got this pleather couch here and her fingernails are really long,

and she was making that fingernail down the chalkboard sound and it was driving me nuts. So against my gut, I decided to cut her fingernails, which Nia has told me to do, I said, I don't want to do it, her fingers are too small, she wiggles them around, and I don't want to do it. So I got the first four done correctly,

and then I did her thumb, and she made this face and started crying, and I looked because she was wiggling her finger and I thought I was underneath it, and I just gave her the littlest little cut on her. Now the family's here, I've got to go get some pizza, am I really going to pause in this right now? So I made like a little cut on her finger,

and it was probably the worst feeling I've had as an adult, and she was fine two seconds later, but for the rest of the night, every time she cried I was convinced it was because of that little fucking scratch I put on her finger. Worst fucking feeling ever. And I don't know why I had to pass that on to you,

but you know what, if they can sit there and tell me that this little fucking fat shit over there is shooting off is, I guess that's what you do. I'm going to let you know it's going, everything awful that's going on in the world, and I'll let you know it's going on in my world. That was awful. And I got to get off the,

hang on a second, let me see what's going on as far as people who are coming over. Jesus, I got too much family here to keep going. I'll try to go for another few minutes here. So yeah, so that happened, and I just immediately stopped. So now she has like short fingernails on one hand and long ones on the other,

and I'm trying to get my wife to clip the other ones. She hasn't had the time, and it's driving me nuts aesthetically. You know what I mean? It's like the fact that like, the fact that five of our fingers, I have short nails and the other five don't, they're driving me fucking crazy.

I don't know why. It's the same thing, you know, when black guys walk around with their pants hanging off their ass, like just that, you just want to pull them up, you know? And then the white guy version of that is those white guys that walk around with their shoes untied. It's fucking, I don't know why. It has no effect on my life.

I don't know what it is. It drives me up the wall. Pull up your pants, tie your fucking sneakers, okay? Can you be an adult? Have you ever seen those guys that take it to the point? Literally, they have a long shirt on that goes past their ass, and then they have a belt. It's like, I don't know how they can still walk.

I saw a guy one time, his pants were literally below his junk. I don't know. He's crazy kids, you know? I guess they have to keep taking it further than the generation before. I figured at some point that someone's got to be a rebel and go the other way. And you start yanking them up, you know, until you do the old man thing where it's right underneath your man boobs. Anyways, you know what I became fascinated with since I got here?

Because New York has changed so much with all these glass towers. I got tallest building in Manhattan. There used to be this place called the Drake Hotel, where Zeppelin and all these guys stayed. And this place that replaced it is 432 Park Avenue. And you have to see the fucking views of this place. It's so, it's so tall, like you can see the roundness of the world, or the flatness, you know, depending on what you believe.

You can see the end of like, you know, those people that kind of, they think we kind of live in like a giant coffee cup. Is that what it is? You know? I mean, there has to be like, even people who fucking don't think it's round, it's got to be half round, right? Like you cut a tennis ball in half, then you just filled it all in with land and ocean, right?

Do they think it's like that? I don't know. Dude, this building on the top floor, they have this website. I think on a clear day, you could almost see the Tappanze Bridge. You actually look over the Freedom Tower, pass the Statue of Liberty, pass Staten Island out to the ocean. And the top floor, I can't remember, I already talked about this in the broadcast,

went for $95 million. I think you get the top two floors or something like that. And then the floor below it, the apartment below it, the second highest one, is still for sale at $85 million. And I think the reason why that isn't selling is who the fuck is going to pay $85 million to still have some asshole walking on his salons? Can you fucking keep it down up there?

You know? Some rich guy walking around. I think, you know, I would think at that point, you could literally be wearing tap shoes and like, it's so expensive, the person below you can't hear it. They got to have some sort of soundproofing or spongy floors. I don't know what it is because I know people who are that goddamn rich would not tolerate listening to somebody walk.

You probably have a herd of horses up to the person below it wouldn't have it. So probably the reason it's not selling is they just can't handle it. They can't handle. If you have that kind of money, you want to be the swing and dick in your building. There's somebody else above you dropping his junk down your forehead every time you walk out the door. Can't have that. What I did find interesting was that the building was so tall

that they actually had to call the FAA. Because I learned last time I was out here, I flew up to a gig in a helicopter, right? I just wanted to see fly over the George Washington Bridge just to do it. And he said Bravo airspace, which would be LaGuardia, JFK and Newark, was 900 feet and above. And this building is like 1300 and change. So it actually literally goes up into commercial airspace.

So at night time, there's like these floors that are always lit, which is pretty cool. And I don't know if that's because of the FAA or what. They usually just have like blinking red lights on the top or something like that. Like, hey, don't hit this, man. Anyways, I don't know who has who has that kind of money? Who is that kind of money? How long is that elevator ride?

And also how long before somebody base jumps off the top of that thing? And if you did, could you make it out to Ellis Island? Actually, you know, something as far as like jumping, that's not that high up if you're going to try to fly, right? When those guys, don't they usually jump off a mountain? Ron Burgundy, I wanted to shout it from a mountain. Don't they jump off a mountain and they go all the way down a mountain, right? Jesus, Bill, you've really talked yourself into a corner here, haven't you?

Yeah, I have. I have. You know what I was going to do last week? I was going to sing the praises of a water taxi, which I think I did, a water taxi about how great it was underrated, taking the water taxi in New York from Manhattan to Brooklyn, or vice versa there, Manhattan out to New Jersey, whatever you want to do. It's awesome, right?

And no sooner. And I took the local too. We made like 10 stops and it took an extra half an hour, but it was just relaxing and it was beautiful. I made the mistake of saying how great it was. And like three days after I said that, one of those yellow ones, the guy didn't slow down in time. He smashed into the dock and like 30 people got hurt,

which means really probably 12 got hurt. The other 18 are looking for a payday. This guy just came cruising in. He was probably texting. I just don't understand how you screw up that bad with the boat. There was the weather was fine. It was a clear day. Like, what did you do?

You just came cruising in. That was probably the guy's last run of the day that Chicky's been texting. He wanted to bang her. She finally texted him back. Hey, what are you doing? I'm at a bar on pier, whatever. And he was like, oh, fuck, it's going down. Oh, shit.

Bam! Everybody goes flying. You know, in the boat I was on, the guy driving it, he's like surrounded by glass. So it's not like, you know, airline pilots, you know, when they have a hard landing, they just won't open the door and they just stay there. You know, you can't see him because then you go into the jetway.

When you're on a boat, there's nowhere to hide. You know, people just walk by. You just been like, sorry about that. Jesus. Sorry about that. Everybody laying on the ground. I know I'm not supposed to laugh at stuff like that, but the end of the day, I wasn't on the boat

and no one I know got hurt. So there is something kind of hilarious about it, unless somebody got seriously injured. You know, is this going to spark an internet controversy now? Is there going to be a group of six people that complain all at the exact same time and it gets picked up? You know, we're going to go to war with North Korea. But first, podcasting, can it go too far?

All right, 25. I'm trying to get up to 30 minutes here because I don't have any of the advertising right now and I don't have any of the questions either. The New York Yankees are crushing it, ladies and gentlemen. They were down five games to the $200 million Boston Red Sox. My $200 million Boston Red Sox. Your $200 million Red Sox.

Okay, because when teams start spending that kind of money, like it's got to come from somewhere. It can't just come from Red Sox fans. It even comes from people who are not Red Sox fans. So anyways, they, I don't know, we lost so many fucking games in a row. We finally won last night, Saturday night. I'm recording this Sunday.

And the 1-9-8 actually scored a bunch of runs for once. But the Yankees are just surging. But they're only up by half a game and there's like, I don't know, 900 games left. We'll see what happens. But I'm watching the Yankees all week on the Yes Network here. One of my favorite things to do, watch them and root against them. That's what I always did.

And when I get the baseball package, I lived in New York for so long, it's hard for me to turn on the Red Sox. Because I, for so long, my baseball watching was watching the Yes Network rooting against the Yankees. It's bizarre. And somewhere in there, sweet Caroline came out. And I don't know, there's just a bunch of weird shit that happens at Fenway now.

I went away for too long and I came back and I just don't recognize it. But I am back into it. And I really wish our team would just focus on trying to win and stop getting into arguments with Dennis Eckersley. All right? He's a Hall of Famer. I love what he does. He's great at his job.

And I don't mind that he criticizes the freaking players. And Jesus Christ, it's like all these stories that they, you know, people are like, yeah, get the fuck out of here. Yelling at them on like the team plane and everything. Like, why would you do that to a Hall of Famer? You know what I mean? If a Hall of Fame stand-up comedian criticized my act, I would listen to him and be like, all right, well shit.

Evidently, I need to work on some stuff. You know what I mean? I certainly wouldn't start screaming at him on the team comedian plane, which is basically a commercial airliner. All right. I'm going to take a break now because I got to go out with the family. And I'll come back. I'll read some advertising and some questions and we will wrap it up.

I have not watched the F1 race yet because I don't have the channel. And like I mentioned earlier, you know, I don't know a lot of people that are into it. None of my friends are. So no one's really going to ruin it for me. But if I had to guess, I really, I hope Lewis Hamilton didn't win again. I hope he's just not going to run away from this thing. And it just becomes Mercedes, Mercedes, Mercedes like it did last year. I hope Vettel won.

You know, just to keep it, keep it exciting before they go on the break or whatever. All right, that's it. I'm done babbling. I will love, well, for you guys, it'll be like two seconds. I'll be back in two seconds. All right. Hey, and I'm back. I hope this isn't too loud.

I fucking, the battery ran out of my other thing. This is me continuing on with the Monday morning podcast. Oh, the lovely Mia. How are you this morning? I know you're not in a good mood. She's not in a good mood. You know, every couple, when you travel, there's the one person that's freaking out that we're going to miss the plane.

And then there's the other person who could like give a shit. Nia's the one that freaks out like, Oh my God, did we leave enough time? Did we bring extra batteries in case there's no flashlights on the plane? I don't even, you know what? I don't even know what airline we're, oh, Delta. Delta? Are we on Delta? I don't know.

I never fucking know. You know what? I, on the way to the airport when the driver goes, you know, I always know what airport I'm going to for the most part. The dude just goes, what airline? And that's when I check my itinerary, my tinnery. I am going on Virgin. I am going on United.

Oh, mommy baby. All right. So since I last talked to you, which was yesterday, the Yankees, the Yankees lose. But so did the Red Sox, we're still a half a game out. By the way, New York sports press, enough with the judge shit. Jesus Christ. All rise. Then they had this thing, you know, because he's got the gap between his teeth.

They're like the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the two. We get it. His last name is judge. Jesus fucking Christ. Why does why do sports pages get away with puns? You know, every fucking other day, they got some stupid pun on the back of the sports page because they can't write a fucking joke and they shouldn't be able to. Because the sports writers should just tell me who won the game.

Okay. I don't need you to say, oh, G Turr. Oh, golly G Turr. Like, why does it always have to be a pun? Sitting in there. You're all a bunch of writers. You can't come up with anything better than that. The tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.

Just like fucking, it just ruined my goddamn day. I hate when I record just off my fucking computer. This fucking goddamn air conditioning will not shut off. Just shut off already. So fucking loud. Off. Off. Yeah, off.

Why is it still on? Mode. Low. High. Full. Low. There's no fucking option here. Off.

That did it. Sorry. Fucking this fucking goddamn air conditioning. It either doesn't work or it's drowning out conversation. You know what I mean? It's like somebody you're just hoping is going to pass out. But that last 10 minutes before they do, they're just interrupting everybody. So this fucking air conditioning is like.

Anyway, so let's get to some of the advertising here for this week. Where the fuck is it? No, that's not it. God dang it. Come on. Come on. We can do it. Oh, look.

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a four week trial, four week trial with a jury of your peers plus postage and a digital scale without long term commitments. Go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr that stamps.com enter Burr, stamps.com never go to the post office again. Hey, how about it for OJ Simpson? Huh? He's out again. What's he going to do?

He's out again. He's going to kill that one but two. He's out again. It's OJ. Run for your lives. I love when he said, you know, I've lived a pretty confrontation free life. And that is true other than when he killed those two people. I mean, he was a hell of a guy.

All right, here we go. Let's read some of the questions here for this week. Microchipping says Revelation 1317. It's called Mach of the Beast. Now, sorry for this click here. This is going to be loud. Block your ears. Three, two, one, click.

What the fuck is it? I know I looked it up. Here we go. Revelation. This is the exact reason why I don't read the Bible. Revelation 317. Let's see if I can get this here. The temple of God was opened in heaven and there was seen in his temple the Ark of his Testament.

The Ark of God's Testament is the Holy of Holies, the second apartment of the sanctuary. You already lost me. Okay, evidently you can rent a room out in his church. Or he has one other tenant. In the ministration of the early tabernacle which served unto the example and shadow of heavenly things, this apartment was opened only by the great day of atonement for the cleansing of the sanctuary. Therefore, the announcement that the temple of God was opened. Okay, well there you go.

So I guess that explains microchipping. Thank you Bible. That really is the good book. I think I understand like computers more than I get the Bible. Why can't they just write it in fucking today's English? They do that with every other book. Of lies? No kidding.

Alright, I work for the microchip company in Wisconsin. Okay, some stick fuck offered my boss a TV show. What the fuck are they going to call it? How to shed your employees' rights? Thanks asshole. Sorry, just venting. Love your stuff. Thank God for your gifts.

You don't plunge a clock for Satan. Well neither do you. You just work for a company in Wisconsin. Quit the fucking job. Then what do I do? I don't know, collect unemployment and not be microchipped? Come on people. Don't give Delta Airlines your fingerprints.

Alright, please don't do this people. Please don't give into this. Don't go to Tiger Stadium and give them your fingerprints so you don't have to stand in line for a fucking pretzel. You fucking dope. And please don't be dumb enough to think, well dude, my credit's fucked. Good luck if somebody steals my identity.

Dummy, they're going to create a false credit report. All they need is to Lee Harvey Oswald to pin it on, which will be you and your fingerprints. You fucking dope. Yeah. You know, in the future there's going to be a knock on the door and they're going to question why you killed a hooker in the Ukraine. And you'll be like, I've never been there in my life.

Oh yeah? Your fingerprints were. Here's the story of a person who didn't kill a hooker. Now he's getting banged in the ass in the Ukraine because he left his fingerprints at the ballpark because he wanted a coarse light. All right. Sorry.

All right. Vacuum's gathering information. Hey, big bald Billy. Thought you might enjoy this article in regards to your recent podcast on companies and fingerprints. Now it seems like those robotic vacuums are selling maps of the inside of your house so you can get furniture ads. Yay.

Massive Aussie fan. Can't wait to hopefully see you when I go over to the U.S. in the spring of 2018. Yeah. Things are just changing so frigging rapidly. You know what's really going to be interesting is when they microchip everybody. Okay. They microchip everybody.

And then they put all the cash. There's no longer any cash. What's going to be interesting then is all these fucking drug dealers, all these fucking, I don't know, anybody who just didn't trust banks and put a sack of money in the fucking wall, what do you do with that now? You know? Now it's all on you.

Now that's not even worth anything. You got to show up with all this shit. They're going to be like, hey man, where did you get this money? And you're going to be like, hey man, I earned this money and I already paid taxes on it, man. And they're going to be like, hey man, you got to prove that. And like, hey man, I can't. And then they're going to be like, hey man,

fuck your bag of cash. What's going on, Nino? Do you like my song about getting microchips? I didn't hear it. Here's the story. You just walking around. You're getting ready. Nia, you get so nervous on days when we fly.

You're not going to be hit if you don't focus. You're not going to leave an hour. Jesus. Okay. Well, that was fun. Yeah. So anyways, these fucking lazy ass fat fucks buy these computers that just,

these little robots that vac, they sweep up after them, you know, as they're eating like rich crackers with like ice cream in the middle of it, whatever fat people do, right? They're always creating some new food, some unholy matrimony of carbohydrates and fucking sugars. They're too fucking lazy to get off their ass

and use a vacuum cleaner. So they have this robot do it, and then they map the inside of this person's house, you know, so they can do what with it. I don't fucking know. So they can sell them an L-shaped couch. Can fat people sit on L-shaped couches? Can they swing their leg up to that, you know,

that other side of it? I don't know why I'm making fun of the fatties today, because I started with that fucking guy over there in whatever his fucking name. I don't even know the guy's name, you know, because he's crazy. I don't need to know about this guy. We should get him to come over to the fucking Detroit Tigers

ballpark in his fingerprints, and we'll put it on something, and we'll go over there and we'll arrest him. We'll stick him in OJ's old cell. How mad would he be? Can you imagine if that guy ever went to jail just standing there, you know? All that hair on top of his head,

but nowhere else on his body. You know he's one of those weird, hairless adults, right? All right, girlfriend broke up with me because I like your podcast. Thanks for helping me weed out the cunts, mate. Come back to SK sometime. Is that a sketch of one? I hope you enjoyed it there.

Girlfriend broke up with me because I like your podcast. I would like to hear more details on that one. What was it that you didn't like about the podcast? My annoying voice? My tone-deaf singing? My inability to read out loud? All right, addiction to online prostitution? Tushin? Tushin?

Dear Trojan Bill, over the course of the last year, I've become addicted to online prostitution. Jesus, Jesus Christ, the courage you have, you just go online and you just have her come over to your fucking place like you're ordering a goddamn pizza?

What is it like when you look through that fucking hole and you see her walking down the fucking hallway, the hole in your door, whatever you call that thing, the little sight thing? She comes stumbling out of the elevator? It started off as curiosity. What would it be like to fuck a stranger for money? And snowballed into me spending a percentage

of almost every paycheck on hookers, anywhere from 60 to 300. Try to stick with the $300 hooker. You really get what you pay for. Boop, boop, boop, boop. Here's the story. I have a bunch of venereal diseases. He said, I broke up with my girlfriend a few months ago.

She had no idea, but I didn't want to drag her into this. Well, dude, you can't fucking do this when you're in a relationship with somebody. He said, I recently got tested and I came up clean. Thank God was what I was going to say, and he wrote it too. Thank God.

No one knows that I do this, and I'd prefer to keep it that way, but I can't help myself from going onto those websites and meeting up with these women. I feel like it's getting worse every month. It's already cost me my relationship. It's costing me a fortune, and I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone I know for help.

What should I do? And I'm sorry if Nia is in the room and completely disgusted by this. I'm pretty disgusted with myself too. All right, this is what you have to do. The second you wake up, you've got to rub one out. All right? And then you go to work,

and at lunch you go, that was delicious. Excuse me. And you excuse yourself. You go in and you rub one out in the bathroom, unless you can't lock the door. And then when you come home, rub one out again. Okay?

And then that's it. And then you take your fucking phone and you throw it in the freezer. If you have a landline, you rip it out of the wall. I actually, if I was you, it's like, this is like, if you spend in this amount of money, I would just, I would go to a therapist. You know?

And just say, yeah, I'm addicted to online prostitution. I mean, therapists hear everything. Okay? That's actually like, that's like easy listening music to them compared to some of the shit they have. You know, people come in there and talk about how they got molested

by one of their parents. I mean, it's crazy shit. You're just like, hey, you know, I like banging hookers. It's cost me a lot of money and I'd like to stop. And they'd be like, oh my God, you're sort of functional.

By all means, lay down on my couch and let's fucking talk about this. Why do you feel you want to get prostitutes? Why wouldn't you want to be with a real girl? A regular woman. All right. I snooped through my husband's phone. Is it not a song?

Isn't it? I snooped through my husband's phone and I liked it. Isn't that a fucking song? I don't know. Good morning, Billy. Good morning, Billy. On Sunday morning,

my husband had his work phone alarm set to 5.30 a.m. Of course, the only person it wakes up is me. After I turned the alarm off, I decided to go through his phone. You fucking whores. Do we go through your shit? There's such fucking whores.

I have to admit that it wasn't my proudest moment. All right, then I forgive you. You're a nice person. See, I'll just jump around. But I am insecure. While looking at his message, I see that there are texts from a phone number without contact information

and quickly figure out it is his ex-girlfriend's number. In the text message, there's a lot of flirting, as well as my husband complaining about my appearance. Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, this is what you get for snooping and eventually asking her to get drinks together while we were visiting his family

for Father's Day in their hometown. Oh, Jesus. They were together for six years on and off through college and high school. She cheated on him more than once. Then when we got together, she harassed me on Facebook and took an eight-hour bus ride to try and meet me.

Oh, yeah, so this bitch is crazy and she's great in bed. That's what's going on. I had to ignore all my initial reactions toward her and just ended up ignoring her. I didn't want her in my life. I confronted him about it and his only response was,

why would I go into his phone? And then if I go looking for something, I'm going to find it. Jesus Christ. When I asked him why he did it, he just said he didn't know. He has ignored me ever since. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Thank you. You were amazing at Colossal Cluster Fest. Too bad you didn't get to finish your set. Hopefully you're in the Bay Area again soon. All right. You know something, I apologize for calling you a whore 15 fucking times and all the womanhood whores.

Well, he's not leaving any doors open here. I guess what I would do is... Nia? She's too busy packing. I don't know. What do you do here? You're married. You obviously have kids

unless you were just visiting his father for Father's Day. Well, he's being a total bitch about it. I can tell you that. I think you kind of need to have the what the fuck conversation. Like, do you think if you just like ignore me, this is going to go away? Well, hey, you know, you would just snoop through my phone for it.

If you're looking for something, you should find something. Well, yeah. Well, I did. And I did. Would you say that to the cops? Hey, we found a kilo of cocaine in your trunk of your car. Well, what the fuck are you going through the trunk of my car for? You fucking looking for something?

You're going to find it. And the cop's going to be like, oh, okay. He fucking deserves to give you a fucking explanation a little better than that. And then you decide if you want to work through it. And if he doesn't want to work through it, fucking dump his ass. This is the best you can do?

I mean, come on. You're better than this. Anybody's better than this. Fuck this guy. All right? Fuck, does this guy get off pulling a move like that? Or a response like that? You know, I don't get that.

And that's 100% not fair to you. Fuck this guy. Okay. And I'm not saying to leave the guy, but if he's not going to discuss it with you, then the fucking relationship's over. Right? The trust is gone.

All right. Good luck with that. And I'm sorry you're going through that. That's really unbelievably painful. And that's one of the worst fucking responses ever. Slash a little legendary. I'm not going to lie to you. Teaching guitar to a cute girl.

Jesus, please tell me she's of age. I don't like the sound of this already. All right. Hi Bill. I've been listening to your podcast for a while now. Just picturing this old guy applying Ben gaze. He listens to this. And I now know you lend,

you tend to give some solid romantic relationship advice. So I was wondering if you and maybe the lovely Nia too, if she's around, could help me out with this one. About two years back, I met this girl in my last year of university. We had a lot of the same classes together. So we started talking. We have a lot of the same interests.

She's really smart. She's funny and nice. And just all around my type. But it turns out she had a boyfriend. So I backed off pretty quickly. To this day we're friends and we try to meet up every couple of weeks. Is this when Harry met Sally

or is this actually your life? So about two months ago, she messaged me saying she always wanted to learn how to play guitar and that she finally bought one. She's into you dude. I've been playing guitar for years so I told I'd be happy to meet up with her

and show her some easy stuff to get her started. It slowly morphed into this thing where every week we meet up after work for a couple of hours. I'll teach her chords and stuff and we'll talk about life in general. Anyway, I noticed lately that a good chunk of the conversation has been about how she's been fighting with her boyfriend,

the same guy as when we first met. How many more fucking signals do you need? Jesus Christ, she's got to put Christmas lights around her fucking vagina there. She also keeps telling me how amazing I'm being for teaching her guitar and how I'm such a great guy.

Plus, the last few weeks, if ever a boyfriend calls and we're together she's been sending it straight to voicemail. Alright, what does she have to do? Grab you by the back of your neck and fucking push your face towards her. I mean come on, this guy goes, I'm starting to get the feeling she might be interested.

Call me crazy, but this is where I need your advice. I tend to overthink things. Yeah, I would say that. Because I tend to overthink things a lot in general and I've actually had issues with anxiety slash depression in the past. I was wondering if you and Nia could help me out here

and am I reading too much into things? Or does it seem like she's actually showing some interest? I'll take any help on what I should do here. Congrats on your lovely daughter and getting the show picked up for season three. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yes, sir. Jesus Christ, your low self-esteem jackass.

Yeah, she's into you. So what do you mean what you should do here? Just, I would tell her how you feel. I would just say, listen, I hope I'm not out of line here. I know you have a boyfriend. I would just ask her, so what's going on with your boyfriend? You don't seem happy. You're always saying you're always fighting.

You're sending it to the voicemail. You don't seem happy. Are you happy? And there's a 40% chance there she might cry. But she finally says no. And just say, listen, I really like you and I don't like seeing you unhappy. All right?

And not for nothing. If you ever broke up with that guy, I'd love to take you out sometime. Now, would you like to learn how to do an F chord? That's it. How about that? F as in fuck me. Yeah, that's what I would do.

I'd just ask her about a relationship and she's going to say it's not going well. And then just say, well, you know, just say what the fuck I just said. Put it in your own words, all right? What am I, Serino de Bergerac over here? Is that the right guy? Is that the guy?

Tell her you're the man. Tell her you're bad. Remember that? What was that? That was that Brunny Danger Shield movie. All right, I got to go to the fucking airport. It's nine o'clock. We're getting picked up in 45 minutes

and I haven't even packed yet or had my fucking breakfast sandwich there. That's it. That's it. Yeah, that is it. Go fuck yourselves. I will check in on you on Thursday. And I'm going to go home today.

I'm going to watch the Formula One race. That's what the fuck I'm going to do. No, I'm not. I'm landing and I'm going directly into the F as for family shit. I got to go back and start writing. Okay, that's it. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll see you on Thursday. All right, bye.