Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-5-21

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

Bill rambles about Vegas, idiots who lack talent, and 'things that needed to be said'.

Hey what's going on it's Bill Burn, it's time for the Monday morning butt gas for July 5th fucking 2021. How's it going? How the hell are ya? How was your weekend? How was your fourth to July weekend? Did you have a good time? Did you cook some burgers and dogs and maybe some chicken and some hogs and some fucking some veal cutlets? You have a big bag of potato chips. Did you drink too much? Did you say that thing you shouldn't have said but then you said it and it didn't even feel good because everybody looked at you like you were the asshole even though you don't think you are. Is that how you celebrated the birth of America? Happy

birthday to America? Happy belated birthday to America? Happy belated birthday dear America? I'm very thankful these fucking lunatics didn't burn down all of Los Angeles. I will tell you, you really see the lack of power that law enforcement has. If everybody just decides to ignore one law, they just get overrun. Every year out here during, sorry, I can't stop yawning. You know why? Because it's 5.48 in the morning. 5.48 in the morning. I gotta help my wife with the kids today so I woke up early. I was having stress streams because I knew I had to knock the podcast out because I got two other fucking things I have to

do, right? And I'm telling my wife, you know, I got all this shit I have to do and I see the look on her face like well what the fuck? I got the kids all day. Are you gonna be able to help out? You know? So I get up early. Oh freckles, I wasn't done with my beauty sleep. I wasn't done dream. I was having all these fucked up dreams. I think it was the stress of all the shit that I had. For some reason I owed, I owed people money and I was driving around like I had a bookie I had to pay off and he was weird like I had the money. I had the money but I couldn't fucking, I couldn't find the guy and then I finally

gave it to the guy and he opened it up and like marinara sauce went all over his face. I had like a fucking like racist dream about fucking Italians. I owed this Italian guy money and he opened it up and all this fucking pizza sauce went on his face and he's looking at me like a you out of your mind because it was all over the money too and I was saying to the guy I was like dude I don't, I was like I don't give a fuck about money. I'm just you know I'm sorry. I don't know how it got like that. None of it made sense. Didn't even make sense to me but it's like I wouldn't try to openly disrespect you because I know who the

fuck you are. I don't know what any of this dream meant. All right and then there was somebody in the middle of it somehow. I'm not gonna name names here. I saw this other comedian and I owed him money. No I didn't know him any money. I gave him something. He's fancy fucking, he had slippers on. These fancy fucking slippers that were all monogrammed and all this shit and somehow some sauce got on his slippers. So then the mob guy goes I ain't accepting this fucking money and by the way you owe so and so some new fucking slippers. So then I got mad at him and I said listen I know I owe him slippers. I was gonna fucking buy some

anyways but not because you fucking told me I have to. Then I was thinking why am I yelling at this guy like this? This guy's gonna fucking kill me and then I woke up. That was the end of the dream. I don't know why there was pizza involved maybe because I'm on a diet and I'm trying to lose the weight. You know well Freckles lost his two to three pounds this past week. I'm down to like you know 186-187 after tipping the scales at almost fucking 190. I'm on my way in the other direction despite the fact everybody's telling me I look fine. You look great. I think you look fine. I think you look fine. I look fine. I put

on fucking 15 pounds of chocolate cake. I don't look fine. You have body dysmorphia. I hold myself to a higher standard. Jesus fucking Christ you think I was Karen Carpenter. Your face looks better. Does it with all that frosting in my cheeks? So anyway I did pretty good when I was out in Los Angeles. It was my first road date. My first road date indoors official ones. I played at the Cosmopolitan. I did three shows. I had a great time and I'll tell you what is really fucking amazing about stand-up comedy after the last year and a half. Basically not really leaving you know Los Angeles. My act became very regional. I can't say

became regional. I just became used to the sound of Los Angeles crowds. In the first show Friday that I did when you go to Vegas and it's a cross-section of America. People from all around waddle onto planes with their tank tops and their flip-flops to walk just walk around casinos looking at shit and not really gambling anymore. It's the weirdest thing about Vegas now. Now it's like you know it used to just be right. This is where you came out to go fucking gamble and bring your goomba. So she quit fucking bitching at you you know. She quit bitching like Lewis Hamilton. I didn't even see that fucking race. I got

it taped. I'm going to watch it today but I guess Max first step and one again. So of course the fucking story isn't that Max won. It's that Lewis didn't won. Didn't win and he's complaining like oh he's not fast. I mean he has a better pace. He has a better. I mean Lewis do you think you can win? No. No with the car that we have we're not. I think they got even faster and we're not getting faster. He's just going to win and all I have to do is you know I'm just competing for second or third place. It's just like buddy you got your own fucking private jet. It's fucking it's sick. Fucking thing is sick. It's fucking this maroonish black. It's

one of the sickest fucking planes I've ever seen in my life. What are you fucking whining about? You win the goddamn championship every fucking year. I mean how much does it have to be tilted in your fucking favor at the whole fucking damn. I have to have the best car at the most money every fucking week or else I fucking whine about it. Jesus fucking Christ. These stupid fucking people in the press like that's the story. If the story is either he wins or he or how does he feel that he didn't win. And meanwhile somebody else has won in the race. A guy by the name of Max Verstappen who's now has a sizable lead. A sizable

lead. Hey is there any way everybody who covers racing could could fucking tell me you know how Lewis Hamilton feels about being fucking a whopping 18 points behind. Let me guess he's not happy about it. 156 points to 138 points. All right this is what's fucking hilarious. Max Verstappen has four wins. He's got three wins. So like you're one race behind. What are you fucking crying about? I don't know. I gotta stop reading that shit and just watch the goddamn races. They always do shit like that in every sport. There's the one fucking diva that the whole fucking thing pivots around. And if they don't win the whole thing, no

matter what you're just gonna have to hear from this person. So then when it's happening you end up resenting the person. Maybe it's the press. I should be upset with the fucking press. That they're not covering Max Verstappen who's been driving for fucking Red Bull all of these goddamn years stuck with them. I didn't hear that guy bitch moaning and complaining every fucking week being like oh I'm a shady Spanish has all the fucking money but I fucking drove for them. I fucking win every fucking race too. I don't hear that every fucking week. I'm not even mad at Lewis Hamilton. I just didn't get enough sleep last night.

I'm trying to fucking plow through this podcast. That's what the fucking problem is right now. So anyway, these people come out there to Las Vegas and from all over the country. And the first show I did just the sound of the crowd was so different than what I was used to. And the things that made them laugh and didn't was just subtly different enough to kind of throw me off for like the first 10 minutes. You know, I was like what the hell's going on? Plus I went out there and I did the worst thing ever is I made a set list. You know, which I kind of do normally but like for some reason like put me in my head rather

than trying to flow because I was trying to mash together shit I was doing before the pandemic and then the shit afterward. And then I finally figured out that like dude, just do what you always do. Go out there and talk about the newest shit you have. That's the most exciting to you. And then your shit will naturally like weave its way in the old stuff. You'll say something with the new stuff, which will be like, Oh, that relates to this idea. And then talk about that. And then you'll start flowing. So it took me the whole fucking weekend to figure out to do that shows went great. I'm just saying like I was up

there. Literally like how the fuck do I do this again? I don't really remember. But I don't know. I really had a great time though. But I had to kind of remember if I ever told you guys this I do this thing when I walk to the microphone sometimes. I'm sort of like I don't want to tell you guys because any guys are you like fucking looking at me as I'm doing it. I do this little fucking thing that empties my brain. There's nothing to do with my act has nothing to do with the fact that I'm walking onto a stage. I just fucking you know, I would have I'll tell you I just I sing a stupid song that

doesn't even fucking exist. It's just dumb and it doesn't make any fucking sense. And I just empty my fucking brain. So when I walk up there, I'm not thinking anything. So then I won't go into robot mode of like, good evening. How is everybody? Oh, that is fantastic. And now here's the idea that I already knew I was going to talk about 20 minutes ago when I made this fucking set list. And now I will be way inside the back of my head, trapped in my act over the next 60 to 90 minutes. So I kind of forgot how to do all of that shit. I worked it all out basically

within the first like 20 minutes of the first night. And then over the course of the weekend, sort of the order of things that I wanted to talk about naturally, like fell into place. And it was yeah, it was just a fucking amazing weekend. And all these people come out to see me, friends that I haven't seen in a while. And the only bad thing of the weekend was I went downstairs and I wanted to get something to eat. Right. And they got this hot chicken place there. All right. And I go down there. And there's like a fucking two hour line. I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding me. Why does every fucking

hot chicken place have like a fucking hour long line? Why is that shit so goddamn popular? Do you know they got this fucking place out here called howling rays? All right. I remember that place when it used to be just a food truck. This is back before I was shaving my head and I would just buzz it down. And I used to buzz it down like once a week or something like that to keep it fresh to death. So I fucking would go over there and the food truck would just be sitting outside this fucking barbershop that I went to. Like every other weekend just be sitting there. And I would just walk up to it. Maybe there'd be one other person in line. And I was

like, this is a fucking really good chicken sandwich. This might be one of the best chicken sandwiches I ever had. I told my wife about it. We would have them when we enjoyed it. We walked up. Hey, how are you, sir? With your freshly buzzed fucking cue ball head? Nice. Oh, I am doing fine. Well, what can we get for you? Oh, I would like one of these. All right, well, it'll be this much money. Well, here's your money. Thank you so much and good luck with your business. And then one day they fucking say to us, Hey, this is the last week of the food truck. We're actually becoming a brick and mortar store. We're becoming an actual

location. I was like, Oh, that's great. I look you guys up. Congratulations. I love seeing stories like that. You know, you came from nothing. Yeah, you fucking murdered some chicken. You put some hot shit on it and people liked the way it tasted. And now look at you like Al Capone going from the streets to your own little fucking hideout. God bless you. I can't wait to go there. So one fucking day, a couple of months in to this store, I'm like, Hey, remember that fucking food truck? And he is like, Oh boy, Oh boy, do I, I said, Hey, would you like to go? I fucking love to get a chicken sandwich. I go over there. It was like

there was like a fucking line. I can't even describe how long this fucking line was. Well, of course I can describe it. Here we go. It went out the fucking restaurant door. Down the street through like a seat seating area because it was a whole fucking area, I believe where there was other places where you could get shit to eat. It went through that back out the food court area onto the sidewalk and all the way down the fucking street. And I was just like, Well, fuck it.

That's what I do at all of these. I haven't had a hot chicken sandwich. I can't remember since there's just nothing worth standing in line for fucking two hours for. I'm not doing it. I'll go across the street to a fucking Denny's with a bunch of old people sitting at it and get some stupid ass Grand Splan breakfast before I'm going to fucking stand in line for two fucking up the better part of a fucking day for a goddamn sandwich. I just want to say the people in the line. Don't you value your time?

What are we in a communist country? Stand around here for bread. This is America. You get a fucking sandwich before you can even think that you want a fucking sandwich. You're standing in this fucking line for two fucking hours. Oh, so good. Oh, my God, I was so good. I really did. Now you have feet swelled up twice the fucking size. You know what the reality is, is I really wanted that fucking chicken and I'm still fucking thinking about it. Maybe I'm just impatient. Maybe I should have stood there. Do some Elvis

because I was in Vegas with the fucking flip flops and a tank top on. And I would have waited for some chicken and I would have ate it by myself. The line was so fucking long. I actually called up Andrew Thamelis and I said Andrew and he said what I said I'm going to do a celebrity thing here. I'm going to big time this fucking line. He goes all right what I go I want a fucking hot chicken sandwich. Is there any way I can use whatever leverage I have that I'm doing my shit and dick jokes

upstairs to bypass this fucking line? And he said hang on. He called me back and he said no you cannot sir. That chicken place has nothing to do with the casino. It is an independent corporation. And I said fine. And then I walked by this other place where nobody was in. No you know what I did? I said fuck this. There's an in and out that's off the strip. It's fucking two and a half blocks away.

I'm just going to fucking go over there. Then I'm thinking what if I walk all the way over there with no sunblock on. There's a bald ginger with a little hat on and I get over there and there's more people in flip flops and tank tops just lining out the fucking door. Then what am I going to do? Well fortunately I never had to cross that bridge because it took me like 20 minutes to figure out how to get out of the fucking casino. And when I did I couldn't get off these sky walks that just led to other

casinos. So I finally got down to the ground and I get on the ground and I go around to the left because I know where the fuck I'm going and it says the sidewalk is closed and I'm like Jesus Christ. I got to walk all the way around the other side of this fucking casino so I do by the time I get to the other side of the casino it's so fucking hot I just go back into the thing. It's not back into the fucking casino.

I didn't get in and out. I don't have a fucking hot chicken sandwich. I'm still fucking as white as chalk. And I see this fucking lonely maitre d standing at this fucking restaurant area and I say hey. Are you guys open? She's like yeah. And I was like alright.

Can I come in and eat? She's like well you know it's like a half hour wait and I said but she's like you can sit up at the bar and I just started walking away. It's like I get it. I get it. You're busy. I get it. I just fucking walked away.

I went upstairs and I realized that I had an apple in my backpack and I just ate that and I just sat there shaking my fucking head. So then yesterday when I went to go leave the casino I was walking out and I ended up on the food floor and I saw that the hot chicken place was open and there was nobody in line. But it was like fucking 8 in the morning. I was like I don't want a fucking hot chicken sandwich. But part of me was thinking like you should just go eat one because there's no line.

And then I was like that's a panic thought. I don't make decisions in that mindset. Fuck that chicken sandwich. So then I come home. The 4th of July festivities are getting going. And my wife one of the worst things I ever did. I taught her how to turn on the flat top grill. So now she just takes over.

She loves fucking cooking on it. She absolutely loves the thing. After all these years of giving me shit for owning the fucking thing. She now absolutely loves it. She's making fucking burgers and hot dogs like you know just completely emasculating me. I mean the grill comes on like I'm supposed to be fucking doing it. Nope.

She's doing it. And all I'm thinking about is that fucking hot chicken sandwich that I wanted. You know it was even worse because we ran out of gas halfway through. Because she's been cooking on the thing and because she's been cooking on it. You know I usually you know reach down and I go to lift the thing up. If my old ass fucking arm if I could pick it up and do a curl with it. I know we're getting down to it. But she's been cooking on it like the last two or three times.

And until she cooked the dogs. You know she did a great job on those and then she made the burgers. I'm staying around like fucking useless. And she was on the way out going like hey am I doing these burgers right. I'm like well you know you want the patties nice and thin. You want a three ounce fucking thing and you want to fucking have it super hot. That's what you want to do. And I get out there and it's not hot at all.

But this sizzling because there's the leftover heat and I just sort of peeked and didn't see a flame. I'm like you're out of gas. Psycho I'm out of gas. I got you out of gas. So we got to finish them in the fucking pan. They were still delicious though. Still delicious.

Delicious. Delicious. So of course today's my weigh in after eight burgers and dogs. But at least I didn't have that fucking hot chicken sandwich. And I did the elliptical twice. When I was out you know both days I went to the gym. You know true to the weights around a little bit. And I really miss going to the gym.

But I want to thank the Cosmopolitan Casino. Okay except for that fucking hot chicken sandwich place. I had such a great time. All of the people that showed up all of the people that have been holding on to the tickets that they had since before the pandemic. I could not have had a better time. And actually I was actually you know. Happy in a way.

That the. That the chicken place had the long line because I actually got out and walked around the strip a little bit before it was too fucking hot and I had to go back in and it was like. I can't remember the last time I walked around in Vegas. You know after a while I was just like because those casinos are so big and they're so difficult to figure out how to get out of there. You know like I had to like when I got out of the elevator when I was downstairs

trying to find the chicken place I like. Was doing like the Hansel and Gretel thing with the breadcrumbs. I was like making mental notes. Of what is where so I could get back to the elevator. And then even then I think I got a little bit lost for like half a second. You know it might have been a hot chicken fucking rage but anyway. I worked out there with. Rick Delea.

And I'll do sure. Who does the voice of Anthony. On efforts for family and he was closing with that bit. You know what you know what we're going to do. And that's how we ended up on the show and I got such a fucking kick out of here in the crowd. You know the you know he killed all week. As did rich.

Rich Jesus Christ as did Rick. And. He fucking. In the end he would close with it and just to hear people like freaking out like oh fuck that's the guy that does the voice. You know what. It's such a surreal feeling. When you see shit like that.

It took me back to a long long long long time ago. I did Bonnaroo. It's mainly a music festival in Nashville Tennessee and. They had stand-up comedy in an air conditioned tent. So. So. I went to go see this band. That had brain on drums and I want to say Les Clay Poole was in it.

And I remember the lights went down. And this was the early 2000s and I was on Chappelle show. And the lights went down. And I just heard this guy way over on one side of the crowd. Go what. What. And then somebody else yelled out yeah. And then somebody else from somewhere else went OK.

And I was like I got like chills. It's like holy shit. Like that's when I realized that the. All of these people were watching the ship. I knew everybody was watching it but like. To just have it validated. Like that I kind of even this is a much smaller scale than how big the Chappelle show was. But was that feeling again.

Of like yeah I mean I know we know we're in our fifth season obviously people are watching efforts for family but it was really cool every night. I made sure every night I was up there when he was doing the bit so I could hear it so. And then it just so happened that a bunch of people that I knew and loved were in town. And. I had a little balcony on my room. And they all came over to the hotel. And we all just fucking hung out all of these comics. Just hung out on Friday night because I only had one show.

So at a big hang Friday night back at my room and we just sat there fucking talking shit and telling stories. Laughing our asses off. Smoking cigars and all that shit and just had a fucking great great time. So. It's good to be back and I was also happy that you know. Thankful for all the fucking people out here that during the pandemic started all of these rooms. You know. Started you know the magic castle the jamming the van all of these places that I did the supernova all of these places that I was able to keep my act where it needed to be so I didn't go out there and embarrass myself so there you go so that's what ended up happening and other than that I was out there by myself.

And I think I faced on my kids like fucking at least five times when I was fighting off the depression of missing them as much as I did but then on the other side I was like really happy that I did miss them. You know so they're all right I'm fucking normal because I didn't you know that would be a bad thing. I didn't you know that would be a bad thing I was just out there like Jesus finally some fucking me time. And also Rick the great rich little the guy who taught me how to do the Letterman show by watching him when he was on David Letterman I never met him but he was at the Aladdin and he had a 6 30 show and I was really tempted to walk over there. And watch it but I just didn't know and I've assumed it was sold out or whatever I did not get tickets or anything so. That is one of those things when I get to Vegas is always like a few legends out there the last time like Donnie Marie were out there and they were wrapping up this show at the Flamingo and I was like man I gotta. I gotta see them I used to watch them when I was a kid on the Donnie Donnie Marie show. One of these days I'm just going to go out there one of these days I got two kids I'm never going to do it but I want to just go out there.

And just go see like I would love to do it see Donnie Marie then go see Rich little and just go see these people live. You know before they retire or whatever. Because I feel like that's the last time Donnie Marie were going to do that thing you know at this point they're in their 60s. They still like each other they're probably like well why push it you know what happens if we have that big fucking fight that's been brewing since 1970 whatever. All right. What the fuck I wrote to you know I wrote this thing down asking this guy to retell it. Wisconsin the fuck does that mean. Retell what.

I was speaking of Wisconsin though speaking of Wisconsin your Milwaukee Bucks. Minus Yanis. Andre DeVizioso Contompo. Are in the finals against the Phoenix Suns. That's fucking fantastic. Both pile on teams had injuries so they couldn't win it all which is great the Phoenix Suns. I don't know that they've ever won a title. They did it would have to be all the way back in the 70s I think they know they went to the finals the NBA finals that's the plural one Stanley Cup final is singular.

They played the Celtics Dave Cowan's when we won in 74 76 and there was some classic like triple overtime game that the Celtics won. I think that's the last time they were in the finals. And that's unbelievable. I hope Yanis comes back though. Let's see here. Phoenix Suns. Your Phoenix Suns. Your Phoenix Suns.

Let's see I got to look it up here wiki wikipedia dude. Here we go Phoenix Suns. I don't think they have any titles. Zero championships conference titles they went in 76 that's right. Then Charles Barkley they went in 93 lost to the Bulls they lost the Celtics in 76 they lost to the fucking. Chicago Bulls in 1993 now they're in there in 2001 and what do you notice about all of those. Oh no that's wrong the math is wrong it took them 18 years between 76 and 93. Right now it's not 18 that's 17 out of there goes the theory.

I thought it was 18 and then 18 years again and I was like no it's 18 and then 28 years. No it's 17 years and now 28 years. Huh all right well that's interesting Milwaukee Bucks I believe the last time they even went to the finals was 1971. When they had a man named Lou Alcindor who was a great center so after these after a while he's like well I'm a great center. I have to leave my team and go play for the Lakers and get them some championships because that's what are they going to do draft somebody good. They don't know how to do that fuck it with you fuck it with you. They got one championship 1971 conference title oh 71 74 they lost the Celtics in 74 and now 2021 Jesus Christ they almost went 50 years. Yeah because I mean it's such an easy thing to do because you had you know you had the Celtics and Lakers dominance and then the fucking pistons and then it was the Bulls decade.

And then the Spurs won five and the Lakers bought you know another four or five and Miami bought like two or three Celtics bought one Warriors bought one or two. Yeah there's a lot of people out there just throwing their fucking money around like the Kardashians actually they get their shit for free don't they. And all of a sudden that's just it the fucking it just goes flying by look at the NHL I mean look at it stand back and look at it. They're adding a new team out in the fucking Seattle it's going to be a smashing success now there's going to be 32 fucking hockey teams in the NHL. They started off with I don't know how many then the depression came and they went down to six and then it was six from like whatever the depression was at 1927 2829 whatever the fuck that was for like 40 years to 1967. Yeah the expansion six. Then they went to 12 they added a couple to three more teams like the Capitals the Islanders and that bullshit in the 70s. Then they got some from the IHL then they gradually you know they got up to like 26 28 fucking teams.

Then they're like well we got to have 30 teams because every other fucking you know major sports. I don't know professional sports league has 30 teams now they're up to 32 just like the NFL so I think the NFL is going to be like well wait a minute we're supposed to have the most teams. The next thing you know like Albuquerque he's going to have a fucking NFL team. So what I'm saying is is that the droughts. Okay are going to become significantly longer and I'm calling it right now it won't happen in my lifetime. But somebody is going to go. Longer than than than the Chicago Cubs between championships because it's just going to be so many fucking teams. All right.

Especially in the NBA if you just going to continue to have these fucking pile on teams. And I don't want to hear it from you fucking pile on team loving cunts out there who's like well you look at you bill you said Brooklyn and the fucking legs when you get to find the only reason why they didn't get there is because their superstars got hurt. They didn't get hurt they would have fucking been there. You know it and I know it so don't come at me with your fucking your little fucking tweets on the Twitter there because I don't give a shit because I because I like being right there. What do you think about that. I don't care what you think about that you're a fucking Tampa Bay lightning. Or up three games to none. And I was really enjoying them beating the fucking shit out of the Montreal Canadians but then I found out they're 18 million over the salary cap because evidently they found a fucking loophole where they put some guy in injured reserve and then he came back.

So the Canadians do not have any ability whatsoever to stop. Tampa from spending 18 million dollars over the salary cap to go back to back which is great the people at Tampa they need that. They absolutely need it I mean if you look at people in Montreal people in Montreal look like they're doing fine except for the drug addicts and the homeless people there but other than that if you look at the average perfect walking around. You know they're bilingual they have nice clothes they have a they have a good sense of who they are you go to Tampa. Oh Jesus Christ. I mean it's just I don't know what it is down there. It's it's just a city that time forgot. All right everybody's down there like you you walk around Tampa and it's like is everybody on their way to a cookout.

That's. Sorry. I'm just fucking I'm just fucking because I know that when Tampa wins they're going to start calling Tampa title town which is going to annoy me considering we had to fucking win for 20 straight years across all of our sports. All right we didn't just go back to back winning cups and winning one lousy fucking Super Bowl but I guess that's how it is. I guess that's how it is. I'm fucking with you I'm excited for Tampa right. Very few people respect you. You know nobody goes holy shit I'm going to Florida.

Oh yeah where you going Miami Beach. Better I'm going to Tampa. I mean. Most people think the name of the city is Tampa Bay. Because all your teams are called Tampa Bay this Tampa Bay that Tampa Bay Buccaneers Tampa Bay Lightning Tampa Bay fucking raise. Howlin raise hot chicken fuck raise Tampa Bay raise. They used to be called the devil raise. You know.

But people down there are so goddamn religious. That they don't believe in doctors and modern medicine. But they think if the baseball team has devil in it that somehow they're going to become possessed if they go to the game. This is what you're dealing with these people need championships. They're frightened. All right they're scared of doctors. Tampa can I ask you a question. What is it about intelligence that frightens you so much.

You know why can't you be like me when you meet somebody smarter. You know you'll argue. I'll do one lap. I'll challenge once and then just be like all right all right I get it. You're smarter than me. You know it's over. I understand. By the way.

I kind of stumbled upon this band called the bar case. Which. I didn't know was Otis Redding's. The original ones was his. The band that. You know his backing band is that what you call it. And unfortunately. Oh that's what asking this guy to retell it Wisconsin was about.

When Otis Redding died in that plane crash. Most of the bar case the original band died. With him. And there was one guy that survived a trumpet player. So. I don't know. One guy that survived a trumpet player. So.

You know. Having a pilot's license I want to find out what happened it sounded like they got. You know because of the weather conditions they got ice on their wings. Then they couldn't stay airborne. Because what happens people. What happens. When you get ice on the wing it changes the shape of the airfoil. So it can no longer do the job.

It also adds weight and it adds drag. All right. And if it becomes significant as a tipping point where you then can no longer stay airborne. At which point you are fucked what kills me is they made two attempts to land the first time the guy was too high and the second time he was too low is what how this guy was telling you. He went around three times. Which I find hard to believe with the amount of hours that guy had. He would have known his airport he would have known the elevation before he went there. If he did a couple of missed approaches I would think that it was.

You know. Instrument conditions. What I'm learning is basically when you get to the decision altitude. Or the. What is the minimum descent altitude or whatever you hold that or you immediately execute a fucking. Missed approach just just depending if it's a precision or non precision approach Jesus fucking Christ I gotta take this test. So I think he missed it twice and then when he came around the last time to try and get it. I think that that's what happened.

I don't know. I don't know what happened but it's fucking horrific. So I wanted to find out what happened. Just so I don't get into that situation so. I looked up the guy to see him. Talk about the. You know the plane crash all these years later and he's standing in front of a crowd. And at first it's like OK is this something wrong with me.

You know because he's really old now and I was worried you know something going on with his brain or something and then I realized it was actually still hard for him to talk about it and people are sitting there in the crowd going you know we he's like we were in the guy in the backs going Wisconsin. Like people like myself are so selfish they want to hear this story and they're not realizing like these were this guy's friends and this was this horrible traumatic thing and they're just like the plane started breaking up and it's just like I have to shut this off. I'm not going to watch this guy doing this shit. So anyway there's this band called the bar case that basically had happened to the same thing that happened to like Leonard Skinner but like 90% of the whole band was wiped out amazing band. I downloaded some of their stuff and they kind of seamlessly went from the 60s right through disco and into the 80s writing hits and they had to get all new personnel and stuff. And I was really enjoying a lot of that music see what I would see what I fucking downloaded. And then I downloaded a Max Roach album protest album from the early 80s or sorry early 60s because this woman sings on it I was blown away by her voice. I downloaded one other one.

I forget what but I think by watching all of these movies in the 70s these obscure movies has got me into like getting into more obscure music because I was I've always been you know mainstream Marty over here where I was just mainstream Mikey was probably a better one. Yeah. Like when I got into Aerosmith I just bought greatest hits and I was fine with that. But one of my buddies he was the one that started buying the albums. But like Toys and the Attic and Rocks and Get Your Wings and I was listening to him was like oh fuck this they have other good songs because I was just like well if this is their greatest hits these are their greatest songs. And I'm finding with music it's not about the greatest hits it's about those other ones. So I've been getting into that and yeah just kind of having a good good fucking time but I am so once again I can't tell you guys. I felt like I dreamed this weekend how much fun I had doing stand up again and I just listened to the crowd and people heckle and the whole fucking experience was just awesome.

So thank you to everybody for coming out I really appreciate it. All right and with that let's read and it's also nice to be on the road and to get lonely because you got something to come home to you know for all you comedians out there. If you're doing what I did we're thinking like oh I gotta fucking get I gotta get to this fucking level first or else I won't start a family you don't need to do that. You know if you have a fucking family you get married you're gonna work even harder. It's one of the big myths in stand up comedy. If you get married have a family you're fucked you know as we sit there and watch Ray Romano and all the success that he's had and he started a family and it just added to him as a performer. And the stuff that he could talk about on everybody loves Raymond all right Roman everybody. Most guys have tried different ways to last longer but thinking about baseball doesn't always work.

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I wonder why that is. It doesn't make any fucking sense you know but I know that it's on the guy you know they they blame guys. You know that when it takes a woman that long it's like well you can't satisfy her and you know if it was the other way around it'd be like well you know women are just more in touch with their bodies. Ladies get your fucking head in the game Jesus Christ it already takes you long enough to get ready we're always fucking waiting for you. Alright simply safe when simply safe home securities founders Chad and Eleanor Lawrence Lawrence decided their first design their first security system Jesus built in their kitchen. They did it for a very personal reason their friends had just had their home broken into look at that necessity the mother of invention and they did it in the kitchen this is like some old school American stuff. They were struggling to find a security system sorry that was simple to set up and would make them feel safe again. Oh yeah if your friends had the house broken into you're gonna be freaking out like a mind next making people feel safe is what simply safe has been doing ever since that moment 15 years ago.

Well how smart are Chad and Eleanor Lawrence. I mean I'm not smart enough to design an alarm system I would have done what every dumb person does I need to get a gun and not learn how to use it properly. Not saying that everybody who gets a gun doesn't know how to use it I'm just saying that's what I would do you get the gun first and then be like I'm gonna take some courses. You know it's like when you get a new video game you know do you fucking read the instructions on how to play no you just start playing the game go what the fuck what the fuck this is how you do it. Alright a passion to protect people not only drives every engineering detail in his products but it motivates every interaction with its customers and the thing is simply safe. Sorry guys sorry for the yawning I know I'm making you yawning but you know I had to get up early to do this okay these are my I have excuses just like Lewis Hamilton. And the thing is simply safe just makes it so easy not once did he say Max Verstappen is a fucking great driver. It takes about two minutes to customize a system on their website simply safe dot com slash bar S I M P L I S A F fucking E simply safe as highly trained security experts ready whenever you need them.

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And of Johnny Carson's. And I ended up. Seeing Dudley Moore on the show which reminded me. Of. Sorry I'm trying to look this shit up here how they used to make these comedy albums when they do these two characters. God damn it. What the fuck is the name. See Wales that was a bit.

It was like everything in comedy yet Derek and Clive. And they went to these studios and they just fucking improvised these fucking albums. They're absolutely brilliant. They are completely 100% unfiltered. They are absolute fucking masterpieces. And what I also love about them is it shows how comedians improvise. Where actors and all these people are always just like you're not doing it right. It's yes and whatever I say you agree with it.

Okay and comedians don't do that comedians improvise with no fuck you. And if you watch and in the improv world they act like it doesn't work. Well we listen to these fucking albums because it does. It does. They disprove that theory every three seconds. On these fucking albums. And what what I. Love about these albums is when you watch these things this is everything that non funny fucking people are trying to get rid of in comedy.

They're trying to get rid of the like the level of brilliance in this and in these fucking idiots who have no goddamn sense. Not only no sense of humor. And not only lack talent. Okay. They don't even understand comedy. They don't even understand what the fuck it is that they're criticizing. They don't understand that like. I don't know what do we even begin this fucking subject like say when anything anytime anything bad happens that there's a tragedy and a comedian has a joke.

There's so fucking ignorant of comedy that they take it as oh he made a joke because he doesn't care. Because he's happy that he's not taking it seriously. When it's a lot of it's the exact opposite. It's because you do care. That's the reason why there's gallows humor. You have gallows fucking humor because what you're seeing is so fucking overwhelmingly emotionally you don't want to feel the pain. That you make a joke to give yourself a break from it. And these fucking mouth breathing morons are like how could you say that.

That even know what the fuck they're criticizing. So if you want to just see completely unfiltered fucking comedy I would watch the Prince of Wales Derek and Clive. And then there's the one song Dudley Moore sings. Hit the deck broke his fucking neck. There was no blanket. Laugh we nearly shut. You got to fucking hear that one. It's about a guy there's like a house fire and these guys fucking.

He's freaking out because he doesn't want to burn to death and these guys are on the ground. Saying hey jump into this fucking blanket. So the guy jumps and he fucking hits the ground because there was no. There was no blanket and he dies and then the guys who pretended there was a blanket are just laughing their asses off. And I guess when Dudley Moore. Then made it. As a Hollywood superstar became box office boy as I call it. He was terrified that these albums were going to come out and they were going to ruin his career.

Because even back then. There's just always dumb fucking people. That don't understand comedy below beyond knock knock who's there. And I cannot tell you even though. I didn't discover these these albums until I was like 10 years into my career. It was something that I was naturally trying to progress towards which I haven't gotten there yet. It's just to be completely totally 100% unfiltered. So you can try to tap into whatever talent you have.

Because you have to just you got to fucking open the spigot right. And I was naturally going in that direction because every comic that I loved. Was doing that on stage back before there was all of these fucking cameras and social media and all of this shit. Where now all of these fucking people who aren't. Really that funny want stand up comedy graded on a curve. And they want all of these people that are way way more talented and way more brilliant than they are to to paint between the same. Within the boundaries of their own. Fuckin lack of talent.

And that's basically what it is. Because you can't just sit back you have an inability to sit back and and accept your talent level and realize that there's going to be people better than you and let them be better than you. So then they can show you. And they want all of these people that are way way more talented and way more brilliant than they are to to paint between the same within the boundaries of their own fucking lack of talent. And that's basically what it is. It's going to be people better than you and let them be better than you. So then they can show you. Where the new bar is which will bring you up and you'll actually get better.

Which is why I always try to watch people that are better than me. It's fucking basic. Can you imagine like in music if they did that. That off all the intermediate intermediate guitar players found great guitar players offensive and told them that they were not allowed to play the guitar beyond the level of their intermediate level. That's what the fuck they're doing with comedy. I feel that's my own fucking opinion. I'm sticking with it. And I'll never get off this argument or that the fucking NBA pilot on teams are fucking stupid.

All right with that with that. Let me try to get to some of your questions here. See if I have the time. If I have if I Michael Schechner group. That's another one that I fucking downloaded. Stumbled upon that one where it was metal music before it had makeup and hairspray. And it's just fucking. Oh here we go.

Great emails. Salads. Dear Billy cabbage hips. I wish I had cabbage hips and I have frost in face. If you're trying to lose weight be careful of complex salads. Some vegetables aren't meant to go together with things like quinoa brown rice or in your case quinoa. You pussy just kidding. Always look into it.

Oh fuck you. Give me the answers man. Some healthy salads can slow digestion. Favorite comedian to look or feel bloated. Go fuck yourself. All right. Hey eating a salad. You eat a salad to try and lose weight.

Hey just to let you know some of those actually don't work. Well which one. Which ones which ones don't work. Sorry got to go. Look it up sometime. I didn't know better I'd say you're trolling me. All right girlfriend pissed at me for her selfishness. Oh Jesus.

Dear Billy. Jaina comastia. Look it up. All right. I'll look it up. Some doctor laughing right now. Jaina. Comastia.

Is a condition of over del. Oh my God. You intellectual cunt you. Over development or enlargement of the breast tissue in men or boys. The breasts become larger they may grow unevenly. Often happens when a preteen or teenage boy is going through hormonal changes or puberty. Oh that's fucking terrible. Somebody have to go through that.

All right. And now you know what I fucking lost my questions. What the fuck are they. Now I have to click on every window. All right. Okay. Okay. So you just called Billy.

Billy. Jaina comastia. All right. I recently got into an argument with my girlfriend over a vacation pitch I made. We've been dating for over a year and are both medical students. Look at you guys. Rolling in the dough but do you have time to see anyway. You see each other.

And they want to practice in Montana or Colorado when we finished school. You see what it's like. She's been twice before and I've never been. She replies with well you don't like skiing as much as I do. And if we're not going to be skiing every day then I don't think it's worth the money for me to go. She's also rich as fuck so money is not an issue. I told her we can go skiing three out of five days. We're there but there's plenty more to do besides that like breweries,

snowshoeing, snowmobiles, etc. Well that sounds fun. You go to the brewery, right? Then you go snowshoeing, hammered. You fucking you know work off the booze wait then you get on a snowmobile and you ride home. Anyways he goes silly me for thinking that being a compromising person was a good idea because she hit me with that's not something I want to do so I'm not going. So I replied okay sorry I even asked.

She proceeded to say no need to have an attitude. Buddy I'm going to stop right here and remind you of how many women out there would love to be married to a doctor. This chick is the way you are I mean granted this is just your side of the story. This chick is a fucking nightmare. Anyway and I like to revoke her medical license because she's too fucking up around ass and she's going to be taking care of people. Anyway all a medical degree is going to do to this person is make her even more arrogant. Anyway and then when I tried to change the subject to something else she got mad at me saying that I shouldn't be mad at her. Now she's been ignoring me for two days because I asked her to go on a Colorado vacation with me

and do multiple activities instead of just yeah one thing the fucking thing she wants to do. In the meantime I've talked to my buddies and the five of us are going to go instead. Whoa oh hey you know what you got balls I don't get too mad at that. You're like Christopher right now. Hey Tommy why don't you go fuck yourself that's what you just said. That's exactly what you need to do with a fucking woman like that. Well go fuck yourself I'll go with my friends anyway. So she can just sit at home and be surprised when my Instagram posts are me and the boys having cold ones in Boulder.

Love the podcast and can't wait to see you in Atlanta in October. Ah is there anything better than self-esteem. And before I get trashed by the women out here is if a guy did that to you that's exactly what the fuck you should do. This is how you set up a healthy fucking relationship. Okay you made a suggestion she said she didn't want to do it because of this this and this. You offered a compromise not only did she not want to do it she act like a fucking child so what did you do. Did you sit there and be hostage to her fucking own goddamn emotions you said no fuck it and you're going to go anyway. And you know what that's going to do that's going to make her either grow the fuck up or break up with you which is perfect.

She's either going to become an adult and realize that she was in the fucking wrong and he's not be such a fucking baby or she's going to leave you and you can go find somebody a woman that is an adult. Who doesn't want to go to Colorado I want to go to Colorado and go to the go to the fucking that hotel where they shot the shining I didn't realize it was only an hour and a half northwest of Denver. I want to go check that thing out stand outside of it and just yell Wendy. All right overrated. Hey Bill blurry eyes. I'm writing to you from London where there is even a more boring version of baseball and that is cricket. I like cricket. I like those games when everybody has to be so fucking fast to sit around and fucking watch it have a good time.

Shoot the shit with your friends anyway to be fair. I moved I moved here about a year ago from Eastern Europe so I didn't grow up watching cricket and rugby but I but basketball and football handball etc. Basically everything that has the word ball in the name. My best experience with watching a baseball game was when I was in San Diego. The whales vagina. I remember the team was playing against a team called the Cardinals. Love the naming you guys have I guess you were just running out of any Native American related stuff. We talking about we ran out of animals is what we did.

So now I don't know what the I don't know what that Seattle team is called the crackers. And some sort of myth mythical fucking octopus. But basically my friends and I he's making fun of the racist shit I get all right but basically my friends yeah because you guys are so fucking progressive in Europe. You guys you know you guys if you're not on the same currency somebody thinks there is superior race over there and tries to wipe everybody else out every fucking 20 years. But basically my friends and I barely made it to the sixth inning after which we went to a bar nearby where the locals were having a karaoke night and had no talent for singing at all. And even that was more interesting than the game too slow too much repetitive in this and too much fireworks judging by the celebration. People might think the USS Midway aircraft carrier they have just docked after successful battle every time somebody hits a ball. Anyways loves the love the podcast all right so you don't like cricket.

You don't like cricket or baseball. Yeah there's a lot of people like that right now if the game isn't like. I mean if you go to a W. W. N. B. A. if you go to a fucking NBA game with every time this is stopped at your play they have tumblers and DJs and all kinds of shit fucking going on. I don't know. I hope they're not shooting off fireworks every time something happens in baseball now. I know that I know they do shit with like the scoreboard and they try to crank it up and make it really fucking loud. It's a really we're in a really bad time right now for live sports. And yeah I don't know.

I don't know that it's going to come back. All right a word for new segment. Dear Monsieur fire crotch. I am a long time listener from England and love your show. Yada yada yada. Monsieur fire crotch. Over the years I have heard you talk about how you were learning to speak French on and off I do. For the last few weeks you've been talking about the strange feeling of regret about things you wish you said at the time but didn't think of it until it's too late.

Well I thought you would like to know that the French have a fantastic phrase for this. I remember it as it's maybe my favorite French phrase as I spent most of my life suffering from the same annoying problem. The spirit the spirit I don't want to say a spirit a spree the spree. The spirit of the stairs. The spirit of the staircase. Literally the meaning the spirit of the staircase. The spirit of the staircase. I'll let Wikipedia explain.

This name for the phenomenon comes from the French encyclopedias and philosopher Dennis Dierot's description of such a situation in his paradox sir le comedian paradox of the comedian during a dinner at the home of statesman Jacques necker necker. I remember was made to a remark was made to dear Dierot which led him left him speechless at the time because he explains a sensitive man such as myself overwhelmed by the argument leveled against him becomes confused and doesn't come to himself again until at the bottom of the stairs. Anyway it's a bunch of shit here in French. I remember a lot of these words. Once I get past the instrument exam I'm going to pick this shit back up again. In this case the bottom of the stairs refers to the architecture of the kind of hotel or mansion to which Dierot had been invited. In such houses the reception rooms were on the estage noble noble one floor above the ground floor to have reached the bottom of the stairs means to have definitively left the gathering seems like this was pissing off the French long before us idiots figured it out. I hope this adds a new phrase to your vocabulary that you can mutter to yourself.

Or maybe they were fucking such cunts to each other they came up with this phrase that you can mutter it to yourself to starve off the internal rage PS check out Dean Martin's version of gentle. Gentle on my mind as it puts a strangely positive spin on the lyrics like Dean was happy to not see her again. Oh OK oh the Glenn Campbell song. Yeah well Dean was the coolest fucker ever. All right let's wrap this up here. Things I should have said. A Billy Muzarella likes been listening to the podcast for a long time and a big fan. I have my own I should have said this story from when I was 18 working at a golf course look at this and how old is he now he's still thinking about it.

I worked at a fairly high end golf course in Vancouver even wrote it out for me. I was one of the bad boys who greeted you when you showed up and got your clubs set up on your cart. I did that job part of the job was for us to take out take note of the T sheet. So when players arrived and gave their tea time we could recall the name without referring back to the T sheet made us look good. Well one day a guy was walking up from the parking lot and I walk over to greet him and get his bag. I say hey how are you what time are you teeing off. He replies 1040 I say it's I say perfect. It's booked under Mr. Smith.

He goes I can't remember the last name the T sheet gave the first name and the last name of the person who booked. He quickly replies that's actually Dr. Smith and then proceeded to lecture me how he spent 10 years in medical schools. Oh that he didn't he hadn't spent 10 years in medical school to be called Mr. This guy needs to marry that fucking Colorado chick. Now having some family members who have gone to medical school I know they only spent eight years in school. I wish I could have said isn't medical school only eight years and just left it at that. Oh that would have been great. I still think about that encounter and many other things I wish I could tell him now as always go fuck yourself.

Yeah isn't it always eight years. And did you go to medical school so you could exaggerate it to somebody half your fucking age that's putting your bag of clubs. All right. If you were athletic you'd be playing a sport. Enjoy your activity for the next fucking three hours you cunt. Hey Bill. Bill should be the next Batman burr. I don't know about that I play a villain though.

Back in the day my high school had a batshit crazy Christian group that swept through all the grades with people active. I could be the next Lex Luthe through all the grades of people actively recruiting students while being very secretly secretive about what actually happens at the meetings including towards parents. Wow that's crazy. Probable kid fucking aside the thing that really pissed me off was one of the one of these when one of these dickheads spoke in class about how one of my favorite bands at the time. Ramstein should be banned from the school because even though it is in Russian you can clearly hear them calling children to Satan etc. I just popped in my headphones and got on with it. But to this day I wish I said that's amazing that you speak Russian but more amazing since they are a German band you cunt. Cheers and go fuck yourself.

I know. I know but you don't say it and that's why we have this segment called what I should have said it'll haunt you for the rest of your life. What was said dear Billy chunky trunks. Fuck you. Oh that's so true. This is a story from eighth grade. We had a health teacher who was a complete scumbag. Let's call him Mr. G.

Now this is eighth grade so we're 12 years old. This guy a grown ass man would flirt with the girls in class. Can't stress scumbag enough 12 years old. There was always that teacher that you know flirted with the high school chicks. That was bad enough. Oh my God. So a few weeks before Christmas that year Mr. G. Was involved in a car accident while inebriated.

Great. He was not driving but was drunk. I know this is a fact because my dad and brothers are volunteer firemen and responded to this accident. During the extradition of Mr. G. And his friends from the car Mr. G. Was throwing empty beer bottles at the fireman telling them to leave. My dad and brothers tell me this because they know I can't stand him. I tell people at school and it gets around school and gets back to Mr. G.

Uh oh. You were talking out of school. Mr. G. Confronts us in class one day goes on a rant saying he wasn't drunk blah blah blah. He goes on to say that the speedometer only said 45. A quiet kid in class named Blake says from the back of the class. That's what the speedometer looks like when you're drunk. We all died laughing.

The look on his face was priceless. He held Blake after class but no detention or anything. I still remember it to this day. I'm 34 now. Still one of the funniest things I ever heard. Thanks for the last during a really shitty year. Yeah this is uh oh what was said. Oh that's great.

Oh I gotta think of those. You know it's funny I didn't have too many of those. In my life even growing up like I would think of comebacks and shit. Sometimes I would just fall on the knife and get detention on purpose just to get the laugh. Um. I don't I don't think. Yeah I had the typical comedian upbringing. Where people always got the best of me.

Then I walk away. Oh that's what I should have said. God I'm so stupid. Alright that's the podcast everybody. Happy 4th of July weekend to you even if you're not in this country. You still get a 4th of July. Why not celebrate it? There's gotta be some loophole that you can come up.

You know you can come up with. I identify as American. Therefore I'm taking a three day weekend on July 4th. You know why do they get that holiday and we don't. That's it go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.