Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-5-22

Episode Date: July 5, 2022

Bill rambles about shows in Canada, his trip to France, and river life.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday July 4th, 2022. Oh, you fat fucks. Go out and get your sunburns and your fireworks. Hey, oh man, I was traveling dude. I'm back by the way. Oh, sorry. A little too loud. I'm back everybody. If you're wondering where I was, maybe you weren't. You know, maybe have a life outside my podcast. And maybe that makes me feel things in a certain way that maybe I didn't feel like feeling them on such an early Tuesday morning doing a Monday morning podcast. I did a run of dates, y'all. I did a run of fucking dates that took me from the Pacific

Northwest to this country of all them hairy legged liberals are unless you're out in the woods. And then I went up into Canada. And from there I went straight to I went to France. Some friends of my wife and I were getting married in the French countryside. And when I got out to the French country is high countryside France. I had I had medieval internet. It's the only way I can describe it. There was no there was just no internet. I could get text messages from people. But if they sent an accompanying photo, it just would never download. So that's I had basic that type of shit. So I was recording podcasts and I tried to send though, I tried to send said podcast and it would say that they went through and they

never did. And then I would get a text message from Andrew going, dude, I know you're there with the podcast. And I'd be like, whatever the fuck you say that. Yeah, so I don't even know where where to begin, man. Let's do my little run. I was in Portland, Oregon, I think Auburn, Washington, Vancouver. And then I did two shows in Calgary in a park. The first one at like 430 in the afternoon, like I was fucking Paul Simon. I felt so bad for the people in the crowd. By the way, shout out to the people that came out to the four o'clock show, whatever the hell it was. Sitting in the sun like three quarters of the crowd just sitting in the sun. I'm watching them. My fellow white people getting fucking turning

from white to pink to red by the time I did my closing bit. I want to thank them for coming out. I it was a great time. It was kind of a little bit weird. You know, with people who weren't part of the fest, it was a festival. So I was kept telling you. Yeah, I said to my agent, why am I doing a short for in the afternoon? He's like, Oh, it's a festival. It's like, God, that's not really an answer. Okay, I've done festivals before. And I performed inside I performed outside. But one thing I can't tell you was the sun was down. Down goes Frasier. The sun was down. Stand in there and fucking broad daylight in a park talking about my dick. I thought I was going to get arrested. I felt like I felt like I was set

up, man. Yeah, that's a man, I was strange, but but I ended up going great. The crowd was amazing. My vaguely recall some older women came up and flashed her tits or actually her bra, which her bra, which Dean del Rey said looked like an old pillowcase. It's like fucking, you know, that that gray, you know, when a white becomes that gray, what are you just like, I got to throw this out, or you look up in the sky, set color and you're like, I don't want to go to work today. I don't want to work on my relationship. I don't want to let this guy in, but I'm going to let the guy in because wherever I'm going, I don't feel like going and you just delayed me getting there by another car link. Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir, for being you. By the way, I absolutely fucking crushed. Speaking French with the French people over there fucking killed it. I was getting a lot of smiles like there you go. You bald old cunt. You're coming around like like little nods of like, Hey, that wasn't bad. I'm not saying I was like fucking over there reading the news. But I was able to I was able to say say to a cab driver, excuse me, sir. Could you put the windows down? It's really hot back here. I was able to say all of that. Excuse me, sir. I was sort of like a franglish. I was speaking and I know I didn't say any of that correctly, but I said enough of it correctly. Oh, we miss you. And I was just like, yes. Sorry. I was

like, we that's when you know you have it down. When you start thinking in that language, I was I was so surprised and thrilled with the amount of shit that I was able to convey just by knowing how to order directions and just knowing to go to want and to buy just knowing all of those conjugations in the, yeah, just knowing what like Kalka shows. Don't you have a drink block Kalka shows? A coat a laba. And they would be like, okay, he's saying close by over there, you know, and I would just kind of move my hands like someplace close to we miss you. I take a left, make a right. And I could fucking handle it. I actually had the stewards on the

plane going, would you prefer if we just did this in French? Because they could tell I was trying to learn it. I was so fucking psyched. You know, Oh, Billy. Oh, Billy shy boy. Billy shy boy. That was when I had a music contract early in my career. Billy shy boy was a was in a boy band. And that's what I went by, you know, we were trying to ride the coattails of a new edition, followed by new kids on the block. There was the third incarnation of suburban. That was our hook. We were suburban white boys, we weren't the cool white boys from Dorchester, we were the suburban ones. And I went by Billy shy boy. And we never got out of the garage. Sorry. Anyway, no, I was trying to start a band in my garage. I just wanted to be in a band. So anyway,

I don't know what I let me just back my way through this whole fucking tour. Oh, when I was in Calgary, when I landed, one of the first things I saw was a big pickup truck, you know, I'm a truck guy. Now God damn it, you know, I'm a truck guy. And I'll tell you what I'll tell you what the guy had freedom written on the back window. Those poor people, freedom. That's what this country's about. My freedom. Like, what does that even mean? I mean, I do know what it means. I think I know what it means. But I mean, freedom went out the window, like, I don't know how many fucking decades ago, I don't know when these people are going to rebel. Oh, I guess they did. I guess they did. I don't know. It's just like, dude, we are so

fucked when it comes to freedom right now. I mean, what would you attack first if you really wanted to reclaim whatever the fuck is you're claiming? And I am assuming that when you mean reclaim, you don't mean to send women and people who aren't white back into the fucking stone ages or, you know, 20 years ago. If you just mean like, the government to stop hassling you, man, like, I don't know where you would even begin. The first thing you'd have to do, like most coups is you'd have to go after the media. Because once you control the narrative, then you control the thought process. So you would have to go in. And you would have to whack everybody at Fox News and CNN. That's the first thing you would have to do. So you could control the narrative of what it was that you were

doing. Because I can guarantee you, if there was a coup to overthrow the country, one that looked like it was going to be successful, not that fucking insurrection of fucking whatever the January, whatever the fuck it was. A bunch of people were shit, they got at Home Depot, pushed their way into a government building. My favorite part was when they actually got all the way in there. And they didn't know what to do because there was no plan to even get that far. And then they just started sitting at desks and putting their feet up like children that had taken over a school like, Oh, look at me, I'm the principal. Take a picture. There was that aspect of it. And then the other aspect of it, which was fucking hilarious to me is that a group

of people armed with shit you get at Home Depot could somehow get all the way in to whatever that government building was called. The one with the nice dome, the Capitol building. That's where the House of Representatives and the Senate sit and debate things for corporations acting as though they're doing something for you. Anyway, so I saw that I saw that truck there. So I had fun with that element that was in the crowd. You know, telling them that I also had a truck and the shit that I was going to write on my back window just to annoy them. Just show up with the most badass truck ever and then just have gender neutral bathrooms written on the back window just to fucking annoy people and then just come out there and just and just be one of them.

Loving guns and all of this type of shit and they just can't and just see if you could get them to get past what you had written on the back of your window. I keep seeing those memes about people like writing their whole all of their politics on their pickup trucks that seems to is that like really happening? Or maybe other people pick up trucks see it. I always love it because it's very like, like common man common sense. In other words, there's nothing behind it. Man, I shoot from the hip man. I tell it like it is. It's just like, you know what that means? I don't read. I don't have nearly enough time put in on this topic, but I'm just like, you know, but I am arrogant enough to think that I can solve it

without needing any in any of the information like I got one for you. I know this full on fucking narcissist, not me. Another one this full on far as I sit here doing a podcast by myself. I know this full on fucking narcissist and for years from the moment JFK juniors plane went down to like a fucking two years ago, this dude was telling me without a fucking shred of doubt that he knew exactly what happened. And he just made up all of this shit, all of this shit. Oh, I'll tell you what, dude, I'll tell you what happened. Dude, he didn't even get his license up here. Dude, he went down to Florida. They're like, Oh God, you're a fucking JFK fucking junior,

right? Dude, he had like fucking eight hours and the guy just gave him his fucking license. That's what this guy said. And and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. And then he bought a plane that was beyond his ability and that he was too cocky because he was a Kennedy and all of this shit just indicting this dead person, right? So lo and behold, all freckles here eventually goes out, gets himself a pilot's license. And one day it dawns on him. One of the things that he learned is that anytime there's an accident, there's an FAA report about a year later. So I was like, why don't I just read the report? And I read the report and nothing this guy said was true.

This guy made a YouTube video, you know, also about it that was incredible. And I was reading saying this guy most of his hours were with instructors, which most people it isn't because they can't afford to do that this and he had done, he actually had passed his written on his instrument exam and had experience, you know, he had like half the hours he needed to fly under instrument and all of that he was incredibly careful pilot, cautious pilot and all of that he just ran into a series of things that ended up being beyond him, which can fucking happen to anybody. Which is the scary thing about flying and all of this shit. So I went to this guy hadn't talked to him in years. I said, hey,

dude, you know, you know, I got my pilot's license, right? And he's like, yeah, be careful up there, dude. You want to stay on the ground where everybody's driving 90 text messaging without fucking looking at the road, dude, all these fucking Tesla people taking naps while their car keeps driving like they're in fucking Knight Rider. That's where you want to be nice and safe. On the highways where there's a cross and fucking flowers on the side of the road every half fucking mile. Um, and I'm like, yeah, I know, dude, I know it's dangerous. You're right. You're right. Listen. You know, there's a whole FAA report on that JFK Junior thing, you should really read it. And he goes, I don't need to read it. I go I'm telling you go everything that you're saying

is wrong. This guy was actually a really good pilot, really cautious and all that. And I said, and he started saying again what he thought happened with full fucking confidence. I'm like, dude, that's not what happened. I go there's an FAA report, read it. And he goes, I don't need to read it. And I just burst it out laughing. And I was like, all right, man. That's what I did. And that's the only thing that shuts something that he goes, what, what do you mean? All right. I got nothing, nothing. I get it. I get it. You know what happened? Well, not to why. It's just like, I just told you there's a whole there's a group of people that that's their job to figure out what went wrong. You're not even in aviation. You don't even have fucking a model

plane. And you're telling me that you know more than the fucking FAA knows without even reading a fucking report. I got a little heated. Just people like that. You know what's so fucking dumb is I know they're never going to agree with me, but I will fucking walk up that hill every time and ring that doorbell every fucking time. What am I looking for? What am I looking to gain that they're going to be like, you know what, Bill? You are right. Thank you for setting me straight. That's just not going to happen on any level. Okay, whatever. So anyway, so when I saw that, I got a big kick out of that. I was like, wait, you know, I bought a big stupid truck. Now I can actually start writing things on the back and annoying the shit out of people

with my political opinions. Well, Bill, you already do it on the podcast. All right. Where am I going from here? Let's talk about, yeah, we're just back our way through it. So I flew back, we were in tours, and we drove up to Paris, which took a couple of hours, got up at six in the morning. And then we went to Charles de Gaulle airport. My daughter had out her laptop and was watching Charlie Marron try to kick the football and uh, the same shows Charlie. Charlie. Um, anyways, pink band. It is boo boo. Um,

okay, hang on a second. So we get to the airport and, and you know, it's classic, you know, just traveling with kids five and under my son's two years old, you know, where the passports, my wife has the passports, my mother-in-law had this duty free bag of shit. She couldn't remember where she put it, did they leave it in the van, all of this stuff. You finally get to the other side of customs. You always feel at some point, someone's just going to stop you hot, you know, you just never going to be able to get back to your country. So, um, we ended up finally getting to the, uh, to the airport and something I learned is my son's a little loud and a little out of control because I'm sort of overcompensating

from my childhood. So, uh, I had to become, uh, old firm freckles with him. And I'd be honest with you, it took like literally five minutes in one temper tantrum. And then I ended up having the snap and the stare and he would just look at me and he put his hands over his eyes and then peek through his fingers. And it was just like, you know, just doing, I mean, that's not like, I, and I didn't have to fucking raise my voice or anything. I just had to sit him down and be like, Hey, enough of this. Apologize to your sister. Say you're sorry. And that would always hit him. And he'd be like, sorry. And my daughter would be like, it's okay. Yeah, he's kind of like a lunatic or whatever. But despite that, he is only two years

old. All right. So, and he is going to be on a plane for like 12 hours. And I got to tell you something. He got on the plane and he was being a little loud. And there was this older couple in front of us and this fucking guy is like giving my kid looks and I was sitting there going like, you know, I never thought I had it in me to slap somebody that looked like they were pushing 80. But I was just sitting there. I wanted to look at that guy and be like, buddy, do you think you didn't cry when you were fucking to your old cunt when you were on a fucking wooden ship, trying not to get scurvy? When you cross this fucking ocean the last time? He was going, Can we change our seats? Because this this is just going to be really difficult.

Oh, is it really going to be difficult to go from Paris to fucking Los Angeles in 11 and a half hours with a live flat bed? I am proud to say that in 12 hours, there was three incidents of my son just wigging out, which I think was pretty fucking good. And I stayed up the whole time. I did like 200 laps with them around the cabin, carrying them. You know, he knew what to say, hello, he's such a friendly little guy. He'd walk by and he'd meet people and he'd go bonjour. Of course, so the stewards and all of them fucking loved them. Stoitors is whatever the fuck he's both the male stewards, and the stewardess is the attendant de la flat. And we ended up we ended up just having like a great time. And I sat next to my daughter,

and we basically just laughed and shot the shit for probably half of the flight. I just kept looking at it thinking like how awesome like this is my daughter. This is amazing. So I did watch a couple of movies. I watched Dublin, which was not Dublin. Oh my God, I keep calling it Dublin. Oh my God. They're going to kill me in Ireland. I was watching Belfast. I don't know why I kept calling it Dublin probably because 90% of my tours over there, I always go to Dublin and I only went to Belfast once. And I got to play that amazing theater where Led Zeppelin played Ursula Hall. Well, the first place they played stairway to heaven live. Anyway, and I remember being in Belfast. I remember the guy that was the security guy,

you know, who was running Ursula Hall. And I remember like meeting that guy. I was like, and I was like, Hey, man, how you doing? And just his whole fucking vibe. You could just feel, okay, this guy, it was just a different vibe up there. We like, all right, this is not the place to make some wise ass remark that might be misunderstood. But anyway, I saw that movie Belfast my apologies. And I really enjoyed that it was not what I thought it was going to be by any stretch of the means, it was actually a really cool thing where it was sort of about just the human relations, relationships there between, you know, husband and wives, like how wives, how it affected them. And the decisions people had to make. And just pulling families

apart. I mean, it was really, really, really interesting movie. So I enjoyed that one. And then I watched that Clint Eastwood movie, crime macho. And that movie I loved. I mean, anytime Clint's going to play a cowboy and get on the horse again. And he was driving an old Chevy Suburban. I really enjoyed that one too. And other than that, what did I do? I watched this whole thing that was in French about Air France in the movies. And it was just this wonderful series. And they had a thing where they were talking about the Concorde, the supersonic fucking jet, you could fly from New York City to France in like three hours and 40 minutes. This was in the late 70s, you could do this. How we went back and they had one fucking crash.

And they douche the whole goddamn thing. How many of the fucking 747s has crashed. I don't see them fucking douche in that thing. It must have just been too prohibitively expensive. But I did see something recently that they were going to be bringing supersonic flight back. If they could just somehow make those things electric, you know, now that China bought up all the lithium deposits around the fucking world, we could find a new way to pollute the skies. That there needs to be less people, people. That's that's what needs to happen. That's that's the solution. And that is not what I am hearing from Democrats or Republicans. Go forth and multiply. Keep the country, Hawaii. That's one of the theories about that, you know,

that a whole abortion thing that it's really not religious based. I mean, they're using the media to stir people up. You know, I'm not saying that people aren't against it for religious reasons, but I feel like they're against it for religious reasons because they were told that God doesn't like it. Not because God said that. Who, by the way, has been surprisingly quiet since that book. It's issuing statements right and left like George Steinbrenner when the Yankees were sub 500 and then just not a peep, not a fucking word from the guy. But evidently, he weighed in on abortion a long fucking time ago and said he didn't fucking like it. I heard and there's another theory. I'm not saying that this is true. Okay, I'm not trying to be the guy

that doesn't have answers that sits here and acts like he has answers because there's nobody here to debate with me, but I actually read this theory that it was racially based because 60% of abortions were done by white people that they wanted those white babies. They needed those white babies so that people who weren't white wouldn't out fuck us. I don't know. Everything sounds fucking nuts to me. But anyway, my son did great. I was so proud of him and I feel like I became a better dad because I was embarrassed. There was a few times where I was telling him to be quiet and he just would not be quiet. I was like, wow, my son really doesn't listen to me. I need to fix this. And I fixed it really quick.

Not going to lie to you. There was a pretty loud debate from him, but I fixed it and that was it. And I was just thinking to myself, I was trying to put myself in the other people's position and I was like, you know what? I get annoyed a little bit when other kids are crying, but I always understood it. And my whole thing was if the parent was making an effort to keep the kid quiet, then at the end of the day, what are they supposed to do? What are they supposed to do? Drug the kid, put a chloroform rag over his fucking face. And those people who give me dirty looks, my whole thing is as long as you never had kids, as long as you never had kids, then I get it. You hate kids. And this is why you didn't have kids. I can even understand that. But like,

if you had kids and you're still giving those fucking looks like I just, I don't, I immediately assume that you were a shit parent. Is that wrong? By the way, the wedding that we went to was in a castle on the French countryside and it ended with fireworks out on the terrace. I mean, it was a once in a lifetime experience. That's what I loved about the wedding was even as a guest, it was like a night you were never going to forget. So I was very psyched and that I was invited to something like that. Had a great time. And it was one of those awesome weddings where you just know

the people should be together. We're just like, they totally fit. And then everybody who came up and gave speeches was we're just crushing it. It was awesome. Because I've been to a few, I've been to two weddings where you're just sitting there going like, I just don't see this connection at all. I give this, I mean, just because breaking up is hard to do. I give 18 months maybe, but there's no way they're going through the holidays twice. There's no fucking way. Trying to pick out that card that says, although there's shit that you wish you felt, but didn't, I mean, there's only so many times you can buy that card. So the two weddings that I went to that were like that, one of them ended,

I want to say about two years, maybe two and a half years. And the other one, they're still together as far as I know. So what the fuck do I know? I do know the one that dissolved quickly. What was cool is it actually dissolved in a nice way. They were trying to do something, I forget, like around the house and they were just fighting. They just weren't in sync. And for whatever reason, my buddy just looked at his wife and said, hey, do you want to just not do this? And she was like, what? He was just like, like this, like it doesn't feel right. And she was just like, yeah, I know. That's what it was. And then he goes, do you like want to like not do this? And she was like, yeah. And then he both laughed.

It was one of those things, usually when there's a breakup, there's one person's just like, this is the greatest relationship ever, right? I've been that person, then he just get hit with that wet sack of potatoes one day of like, yeah, listen, I'm not into this at all. Oh my God, oh God, getting dumped, Jesus Christ. And the whole time like, I bet she hated my laugh. She probably hated the way I slept. You know, when you're with somebody and you're not in love with them, just every fucking thing they do after a while becomes a reason to like, this is how these fucking idiots you watching these fucking shows. They kill their spouses because this this they don't tell you teach how to break up with somebody. How do I get out of this? How do I get

out of this? And then they go from like, you know, the worst thing they did was steal candy bars when they were kids to try to get away with murder one. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ. Talk about not wanting to have that conversation. You know, you're risking like, you know, if you if you are a religious person going to hell for the rest of your life, why don't you just stay married and just like, do you have that be your help? Because then even then I think God would get mad at you. I gave you a brain. I gave you a mouth and you just what did you do with it? Huh? You talked to the wrong person, you married the wrong person, and then you fucking stayed in it. And you had kids with the wrong person and they

could feel the fucking vibe and now they're all out there all fuck now like God cares to that point. Like he gives a fuck at that level. I've come back around people that I believe in a higher power. All right, I am there, but I am not nor will I ever. I don't think you could ever convince me that it's it's it's a higher power that even remotely gives a shit. When you look at all the fucking horrible things, like take this latest fucking jerk off who by the way, if he just looked at his picture, it's like this guy shouldn't own a gun. You know, but he just can walk right in and buy whatever the fuck he wants because he's there. He goes out and did what he did. Now here's my thing, God made that person. So how do these religious people sit there? You know,

and all of that fucking horseshit about God and the devil, I just love how the devil is somehow like the same rank as God. Like you got two choices. The guy who created everything on this fucking guy. And you can actually choose this fucking guy and do something beyond fucking evil. Like what happened in Buffalo, Texas, and now Chicago. Sure, there's a rally going right now. You know, make it easier, make it easier to get guns, which is another thing I would love to talk to gun owners for some reason, I keep throwing this out there and I just never seem to get the fucking emails. Like, I understand that whole thing. Well, you don't just want the government to have arms. You know, in case they get too oppressive that the people can fight back. What about

modern technology and how far ahead they are with the weaponry that they have versus what you as a citizen can purchase at a, you know, at a gun store, a Walmart or whatever. I mean, what they have access, what they have, the fact that now, you know, some nerd from the math team can be fucking John Rambo with a drone five states away. Like how does one combat something like that? Which once again, I actually think that the government having that level of weaponry versus the citizens is the least of our problems. I would say that it's what that we're divided because of these 24 hour fucking news networks. Because the bottom line is, is if everybody just said, well, fuck it then. All right, well, we just won't go to work and we're going to stop

paying taxes. And then none of you motherfuckers get to eat. Now what are you going to do? Hey, hey, hey, Richies, dig your own ditches. You can have like all these nonviolent, you know, the problem is, is they get to use the military on their own people and they have to follow orders. I have more stripes on my shirt and I told you to point that gun at your own fucking people. Oh, this is getting deep. All right, let's, is it getting deep that the topic's getting deep? I don't know that what was said was that deep. All right. Oh, we were at the castle. We stayed there after the wedding. We were like the last couple that left. We stayed there. Oh my God, I had this amazing pool. And when I was in Vancouver,

I bought these swimming goggles. They actually had a Speedo store. Oh my God, I couldn't wear anything in there. I just, I just hate my body right now. I just, I don't even want to talk about but the goggles, they, you know, they had the regular, you know, I'm at a daze in, they have an indoor slash outdoor pool that's something that's been pissed in. Let me jump in that they had those ones. And then they had the, are you competing for a spot on the national team? And I was like, I don't know why I was like, let me get those. I'll take those. They're fucking incredible. And I was in La Pasina, however you say pool. This is what I would do. I would sit by the pool. All right. I just fucking chill out. And there was like a, I don't know, like a

fucking bog or some shit, like some pond that you couldn't even see the water had all this green shit on it. And that fucking thing, there was so much chatter coming from that pond was across the road. Oh, by the way, my son imitates the police cars over there. He kept going, loved them. And my daughter was speaking French with this, the flight attendants, they absolutely fucking loved her. And said that she spoke great French and all of that type of stuff. I'm actually starting to speak French with my daughter. It's so fucking cool. But my son loves planes, motorcycles, helicopters, trucks and cars. And I every day he, you know, now he wants to come out to the garage is kind of good. I start my old truck

up, I pull it out of the, you know, the garage and everything. And when we landed at LAX, and he saw all the other airplanes, he had a fucking meltdown. And he was pointing at them. And I was going, Yeah, buddy, like airplane, he's just going like that airplane. No, no, as we were walking away. And I finally figured out that he thought that we could just go and sit in them and play in all the airplanes. So with his cute little two year old mind, he was like, Why are we going this way? We should all go play on those planes and pretend we're flying them. And the trucks and the buses. So we finally had to be like the planes are going bye bye, planes are going bye bye. And he'd be like, he's like, bye bye planes. Bye bye planes.

It absolutely fucking broke my heart. But I was also totally psyched that he was into he's into planes and trucks and all of that shit. All right, I am babbling here, babbling. By the way, my buddy, comedian BT was telling me that this F one race might have been one of the best ones ever. I got to see it. I saw briefly saw a highlight before I shut it off. Lewis Hamilton was in the hunt, which is fucking awesome. As much as I like to tease that guy and everything, it sucks when his car isn't good. And I actually met an F one huge fan who was going to that race at the wedding. And he was saying that I was going to weird how his teammate has a better car and he said, no, he's the more experienced driver. So he's going to be able to guide them

easier on what the car needs. And you know what was going to happen that they're getting their shit together. And it's just going to be a fucking it's just going to be unbelievable racing for the rest of the year. That's what I'm hoping. So anyway, I have to watch that my DVR recorded it. All right, look who it is, everybody. It's Indochino. You know, whether you're going to be a groom in a wedding party or a lucky guest, everyone wants to look their best for a wedding with a custom fitted suit from Indochino, you'll feel great, feel confident and enjoy the big day without fussing over your clothes. Hey, I was at that wedding. I was at that wedding and somebody, you know, I was sweating this

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suit. That'd be my game plan. I do that and I'd learn how to do the electric slide and that would be it, man. It's raining. Choose. I wasn't going to say men there, but okay, but I am respecting the fact that this is an advertising read and I'm going to do it correctly here. Choose every detail on a shirt, suit, dinner jacket, and more at affordable prices that may surprise you for fully customized pieces. Every suit is made to your exact measurements and you can customize every detail. Create a suit that fits you and your style perfectly with options for fabrics, lapel shape, custom monograms, statement linings, and more. The best part, Indochino suits start from just $4.29 and shirts from $7.99. Indochino also offers a completely custom, I always feel like

this is too much, like I'm ready to buy here. Just let's get to the fucking information, but they got another paragraph here. Indochino also offers completely custom fitted shirts, casual wear, and more. Get a wardrobe personalized to your style and taste without spending a fortune. Yeah, look at that. Look at that right there. Look at that copy. It just, you just put a picture in my head. You go into fucking college with all your shit that nobody else has and I mean, I don't know. There's just something about him. He has a sense of style, right? And next thing you know, you're getting banged on a bluff on the way to the quad of those college words. I never went, I mean, I commuted. So I sort of went me and the janitor had the same experience. There's always

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life's best moments happened around a roaring fire. Well, I don't know about that. I think it's the end of a lot of people's lives happened around a roaring fire and a smokeless fire pit from solo stove, a controlled roaring fire. I think they need controlled in the copies. Life's best moments happen around a roaring fire. Right? I mean, come on, you got to say, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna take a little, a little podcast hosts power moment here. I'm gonna change this coffee. All right. I'm gonna change the copy here. Life's best moments happened around a controlled roaring fire. The fire is nice and warm, but it's not going anywhere. And you decide how close it gets to you,

not the other way around. And a smokeless fire pit from so you can have the fire making decisions. Um, fire was not made in God's image like we were. And a smokeless fire pit from solo stove makes your outdoor moments even more memorable because instead of having to constantly dodge campfire fumes, Jesus Christ, you can sit back, relax and actually enjoy the fire and not worry about getting burned to death. I think that that's what solo stove is taking out of the equation here. The fire getting out of control and suddenly, uh, you know, you know, should you see solo stoves or these assholes that do fucking gender fucking reveals of their babies in the middle of a dry

wooded area, get a solo stove, you fucking cunt. Uh, there's nothing like a roaring fire to bring you back to what matters. I swear to God, if you just get me away from this roaring fire, God, I'm not gonna come drink anymore. I'm gonna be nicer to my wife. I understand what matters now. Oh, a controlled fire. Dude, why am I working so hard? Look at my wife. Look at a gorgeous face with the flames flickering ever so safely away from her. Uh, the things, uh, the things digital, what the things digital distractions and the frenzy, that can't be right, brings you back to what matters. The things digital distractions. What did things has got to be the wrong word there and the frenzy of everyday life make too easy to

forget where it brings you back to what matters. The things digital distractions and the frenzy of everyday life make too easy to forget. Oh, that was all one sentence, but they made it two sentences. But they made it two sentences. All right. Stainless steel construct construction designed to regulate airflow and burn more efficiently. Speaking of stainless steel, my wedding ring, that's the kind of precious metal you get as the husband. They melt down a toaster into a circle. There you go, buddy. Um, I, uh, I do this dumb thing where I take my wedding ring off when I put on lotion, because I don't like when the lotion gets underneath the ring. And I always set the ring

on top of my wallet. And when I'm on the road, I get super paranoid if I take the ring off, but I still, I don't know why I'm just going to stop doing it. So I took the ring off. It was six in the morning. Six in the morning at the waffle house. Um, I actually heard the original version. It was three AM at the pancake house. And then Jay Z goes, no, I switched it a little bit. I say four AM at the waffle house. And then they were like, okay, that's different. Um, anyway, so I, I, uh, had this fucking, I took the ring off in the bathroom. And it wasn't until we were like two hours into our drive going back up to Paris, I looked down and it wasn't on my finger and I went, Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. My wife's

like, what? What? What? I'm like, I might have left my ring at the, at the hotel. She was totally cool because she was with me. You know what I mean? I think if you're on the road by yourself, you're like, I think I left my ring at the hotel. I don't think your wife's going to be cool. But I was like, no, I put it, I think it's in my toiletry bag. And we called the hotel and they didn't have it. So I go, I, I know it's there. It has to be there. And my toiletry bag was in the big bag that I was checking and we were going through customs and I'm like, look, it's either there or it's not. I'm not doing this shit now. And, um, I flew the whole way back without the ring on and it felt really weird. I didn't even realize all the subconscious things I do with it because it's

not totally like, I didn't want it to be, I got, okay, I'm like, maybe I'm over sharing here, but I have like giant fucking, like my knuckles are bigger than the fucking finger meat behind it. So it had to be big enough to get around the knuckles. I basically have an hourglass finger shape. Oh, that's another thing I watched. I watched this thing on fucking. Oh, I'm supposed to be doing copy here, right? Stainless steel construction design and airflow burn more efficiently. So little smoke you wonder how, why, why is this so, how's there so much fire? It's the perfect catalyst for getting outside and spending time with friends and family building lasting memories around a solo stove. I found my ring, by the way, right now you can get a big

discount on all fire pits during solo stoves for the July sale and use promo code burr at solo stove.com S O L O S T O V E.com for an extra $10 off that solo stove.com promo code burr put on your Indochino suit, stand next to a controlled raging fire. Huh? And meet the he she they are your dreams that solo stove.com promo code burr for $10 off on top of their incredible fourth of July sale discount but hurry the fourth of July sale ends July 10th. So anyway, I landed and I got home and I opened my toiletry bag and I'm like there it is and then it turned out to be the circle from the scissors for my nose hairs and I was like oh no I was like I know it's in here. I know it's in here. I know it's in here and I went in and it was

there and I put it on and everything was cool but my wife was like ridiculously cool. She goes well we can go to uh we can just go get another one. I thought she was going to be like how could that was the one I put on your finger when we got married but she's not like that. Like every year we kind of like we're not good with like dates. Like what do you want to do on that? I don't know wait once I ran over ah fuck was that yesterday? Lastly but not leastly but not leastly I don't I don't want to start any any ill will between advertisers on this podcast. Can you tell them also typing in a podcast uh a password as I'm doing this? Um all right it's simply safe everybody. Isn't that what we all want to feel? Just simply

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for $200 things to do in Albuquerque Hey Billy Burqueno Burqueno it's pronounced Burqueno Captain Freckle Chest Billy Burqueno Burqueno I'm a born and raised Albuquerque native and this is to your nana fan who asked about things to do here in Albuquerque what does Burqueno mean that's got to be some sort of insult towards me Burqueno uh when the weather permits she could take her grandson to the top of Sandia Peak on the tram or the petroglyph uh National Park which has ancient drawings on extinct volcanic rocks although if the rocks are extinct then what the fuck are the drawings on I'm only saying this because he sound spelled that petroglyph and he goes yes very good making fun of

me like you're fucking smart if you were smart you would be listening to this podcast all right so you're guilty by association in Old Town Albuquerque we have an awesome 100 year old church and shopping which is right up the street from the zoo and the aquarium in October uh fucking sea lines what are you doing time Albuquerque ah fuck you're never getting out uh in October if you're in the San Diego Zoo you have hope you can smell it you can hear it you can hear the ocean in October is the international balloon fiesta which sells fast oh my wife went to that we have more than green chili and breaking bad in which you rock by the way oh now he's being nice thank you sir uh come visit us nana and you always you'll always have a home here bill much love to the

family thanks and singa to miso singa to miso puta i'm assuming that means go fuck yourself uh respectfully okay real jobs hey bill i'm 35 all right not old i'm not young just sort of hanging there in limbo too old to go to a club too young for an AARP card i used to work in tech now i own a diner i saw you posted something to your instagram about diners and the dying breed of a local restaurant um oh yeah there was this whole thing about how um diners were uh during covid got really got hit really hard and these guys were talking about what it takes to run a diner which is really interesting to me because it looks easy you know got that flat drop grill going you know let me get let me get out let me get too over easy you know

they're usually making shit that you know how to make i just didn't realize all the overhead and all of that crap you know people chewing and screwing dining and dashing bippin and bopping um i had a very i had very little experience wait a second what am i okay it's been a lot of work but it's very rewarding oh this is something this person does i guess i had very little experience but i sought out knowledge from some veterans of the diner business and they were very happy to help covid really destroyed a lot of these businesses i is there anything better than a great diner and what's a great diner it's clean and they butter the toast they don't bring the fucking toast over with butter to the side that's cold and then i got a tear apart

the fucking warm bread that you're calling toast sorry i've read that half of all second and third generation diners closed down seven out of the 10 in my city closed down by the end of 2021 so i believe it government didn't do shit for actual small businesses how did they go out of business when people were ordering food i guess they weren't ordering from them dude i just is there anything better than going to a fucking diner when you don't have anything to do that morning you got you got the local paper that's the greatest and you watch all these people fucking walking in hey mark um government didn't do shit for actual small businesses the loans were exploited by big companies and the math never added up in terms of the damage done versus the money

they gave out i really hope uh another wave of hipsters come back around and start bringing the old stuff back so you have somewhere to drink your root beer float you dandy um yeah so do i oh what a surprise big companies taking advantage of our money being handed out by the government i am taking advantage of the bankruptcy laws and that type of shit that's what rich people do that's what they do and then they act like they're one of you yes they do and then what happens they fall off a bicycle you see that there little trump jab little fucking joe biden best okay you want level trashing trashing of both sides with no salute that's what i offer people i trash both sides and offer no solutions that's what we do here at the monday morning podcast new job

wants to track me oh god dear bill there's a mandate at my new job that requires my work phone be tracked this wouldn't be an issue but on my first day i had lunch with a guy who was giving his notice at the end of the week he wasn't too disgruntled i asked him why he was going to leave and he he told me with a straight face that the company overstepped some bounds i love this guy they overstepped some bounds i'm out of here they sent him a gift card for his birthday to a place that he shops at except he never told anyone he shopped there and it's a niche store yeah you know what happened if we all rebelled against that they would still know that about us they just wouldn't be dumb enough to send that gift card he had well how wouldn't they know

how fucking creepy that is he attributed to them reading all his work emails or tracking the browser on his computer and had no shame in using that info to buy him a birthday gift it's a huge pay increase so i think i'll stick it out for a few months because i have bills and student loans well that's how they get you but i'm going to be very careful about what i say and do ps i'm writing this from a rogue phone with a vpn so don't worry i'm not a moron i think more people need to do that but then you know what they do they they would start their own rogue phone under a different fucking name they'll get you they're gonna get you i given up i've quit all right my only line of defense is to live the most boring life anybody has ever seen all right anybody who's tracking me

right now they're they're like wow this guy's really into watching people power wash driveways um it's not all that and then every once in a while there's a porno thrown in there like where the fuck did that come from new segment idea lifestyles dear bill the trill you've talked a lot about different ways of living and what the benefits are to different location i'd like to propose a new segment about the lesser discussed more specific ways of life and during different time periods firstly for this potential segment i'd like to suggest river life is a very interesting way to go river life in a van down by the river like the chris farley bit more specifically in the 1800s i recently saw

a photo of a home on a river that was used frequently for travel and trade oh so people were using oh we're using the river for travel and trade can you imagine sitting on your front porch watching some random people just float by yeah wondering if they didn't kill somebody in a different state this is pretty that's pretty wild man of course i'd have a musket ready to go i but you're also talking like time travel because i don't think anybody uses a river i think there's a lot going down the fucking alligator of course i'd have a musket ready to go i'd be it'd be great to have long days of sitting along a steady current thoughts on river life my question would be how do you pay your bills because there's a way to do river life where you don't pay anything

you just have to be well wait wait it's a river it's not you're on a lake you're out there you're on a fucking river so you're floating you're you're heading places what happens when your foundation is too deep for like the fucking white water and all of that i gotta i gotta learn more about river life or is your house anchored i got one for you why don't you just put a fucking house out on a random lake you know where there's enough shit how long could you have it out there before people like what the fuck is that guy doing is he paying any taxes every morning he comes out whatever he pulls in he goes inside he fucking eats it for breakfast occasionally

comes to shore when he gets mercury poisoning he eats a couple of squirrels i don't think that guy has a job you know in some fucking asshole would put up a gopro and film the guy and rat him out instead of looking at that one person you know and being happy that they're free right all right overrated underrated i will tell you though i have like an unbelievable urge to live in the middle of nowhere if it wasn't for the racist morons that you run into out there i would do it in a second but i can't move an interracial family into the middle of fucking nowhere i mean i just started a netflix series if i did that all right overrated underrated underrated tank tops wife beat us started wearing them at my new job as a grave digger

when it started getting hot out total game changer but don't you have like the backhoe and all of that shit jesus christ is this the same guy living on the rivers in the 1800s extremely comfortable extremely affordable and if you get anything on it who cares it's a wife beater you're supposed to get stains on it start wearing them everywhere started wearing them everywhere at work the gym around the house and playing pick up ball it's a great clothing option but big t-shirt would like you to think otherwise um well there's different ones too you know what i mean there's there's the wife beater cut you know like like like jeans have straight leg bootleg grape smuggler uh swing low sweet chariot fucking um onyx cut right they got all of that shit

but like wife beaters are the same way you know you have that yeah every once in a while my wife gets out of line i give her a fucking smack they got that classic cut but then they have the uh the freddy mercury gay guy cut which it's a it's a higher quality uh much more flattering cut but then you got to be like jacked like a gay dude though that's the only thing you can't eat carbs in the other one the other one you can walk around the uh sort of the the heterosexual cut right are there really is there a gay cut in a heterosexual cut when it comes to tank tops but there is the metrosexual who floats between both sides there's probably that cut somewhere anyway i know what you're saying though if you get like the classic you know

straight guy wife beater you can walk around with like spaghetti sauce and like part of a meatball on your beer belly but if you get the freddy mercury cut uh people are going to be offended if you're not jacked you know yet another example of how easy it is to be straight you know you can be fat and wear a fucking tank top and you don't get any shit unlike these poor gay people who if they wear a tank top you know they have to get hassled man i don't know where that went i just made up all of that shit um okay where am i overrated cards a few years back my family stopped doing birthday christmas and any hallmark oh overrated getting cards yeah i always felt cards were stupid unless you bought a blank one i always felt weird like if i bought a mass produced

card that said a bunch of romantic shit and i gave it to my wife and she's like oh my god that was so nice i always want to be like oh my god i know in 1500 other women in this fucking area kota reading it right now um like can you imagine if you actually wrote a card if you wrote a card in your own penmanship but you plagiarize some romantic shit that somebody else said and they found out like it would totally change their perception of you but i think because like the plagiarism is so fucking there not plagiarism the the fact that it's it is somebody else's words that you've purchased um it's so out in the open that it's invisible and they never stop to think like he doesn't think any of this shit somebody else thought this shit who are they thinking of

when they wrote who is who is this written for um and that person who writes this stuff are they actually in love or are they writing to some fantasy person that they never had the nerve to talk to or their idea of what love is because they're a sociopath who knows what the fuck you're handling that's why i always go with the blank card anyway it's awesome saves a couple of bucks um along with the hassle of going to the store and looking for a card that doesn't suck um it always felt like an empty gesture anyway anyways uh and a text or a phone call is a lot more personal and meaningful i think a phone call is a text is still a blow off hey happy birthday dude i'll say underrated anyway keep up the great work and i cannot wait to see your movie in theaters

and a new special from red rocks oh yeah the red rock special is coming uh on i think july 12th or something like that maybe a week from this friday friday uh the fuck was i just gonna say that just gave me an idea and i moved on to another idea my brain works like a fucking straight lines and i i'm not gonna remember it we were talking about cards always felt like an empty gesture you get text oh texting i'll tell you what i'm done doing i am done responding to a sea of texts on random holidays like fourth of july there was like five people sent me hey man happy fourth of july i didn't respond to any of them i'm not fucking i'm not spending my fourth of july going hey bro happy fourth of july to you too and then that starts a conversation

same thing with happy father's day you know it's the worst is when you get to happy father's day and you can tell it's just a cut and paste it just says happy father's day exclamation point i'm not responding to that all right i need to see my name in there and see a little bit of thought then then you can guilt me into responding i'm not fucking doing it um i'm actually i think i'm not gonna do it for christmas you know that you gotta like take like 10 minutes or whatever to just sit okay i'm gonna deal with all of these fucking things and then the worst is these fucking people that send that shit you then say hey thanks a lot merry christmas to you too and then they write something else back it's like this this isn't this isn't a conversation that's what i'm

starting here so i'm just i'm i'm done with all of that maybe that's what you do you just tell everybody i'm just gonna let you know i'm not wishing you a merry christmas via text okay it's happening right now merry christmas i said it i'm done i'm not responding to your your your spam happy holidays horseshit all right the only one you can't get about out of is your birthday then even then what you do is you write a little paragraph you copy it and then you just paste it to each one okay and i know what you're thinking well there's not a name it doesn't come off as personal exactly and then maybe next year they don't wish you a happy birthday and then you can actually go out and enjoy your birthday why does your birthday involve you

having to take 10 minutes out of your day to write everybody back that wiggled their thumbs for you huh do you think davie crocket or any of the other founding fathers in this country ever had to do that huh stop in the middle of their oppressing of other people to take out a feather and write a fucking letter oh thanks man uh and just so you know i let everybody know that the raccoon hat idea was yours all the best davie crocket um all right that's it everybody i'm out of here uh je te laisse au voie um yeah i think that's it i was just thinking i'm gonna go i'm gonna move to france i just need three months three months and i'll i'll take french lessons and all that be fucking hardcore and

then i can do what i've always wanted to do which is go to france do a show only in french and just trash them um it's fucking guys i swear to god their customer service that's their shit dude when you go to france if you ask them just say hey my leg is hanging off i'm gonna bleed to death their first response is like i'm sorry miss you there's nothing we can do that you gotta like elevate your voice not like yell at them but you just gotta be like like you gotta like wake them out of their what lez a fan whatever the fucking is that they just don't give a fuck you gotta like remind them okay i was almost saying gonna say something really bad there i'm not gonna say it all right that's oh i don't need to start an international incident

here that's the podcast go fuck yourselves i will check in on you on thursday you