Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-8-19

Episode Date: July 8, 2019

Bill rambles about terminators, redheads, and fetishes.

Even though woolly mammoths have been extinct for tens of thousands of years, with the metaverse, students will be able to go back to the ice age to visit them. The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real. Learn more at meta.com. Well, back to the goddamn grind, right? Probably a beautiful sunny summer day. And you got to feel what it felt like to be a fucking trust-fun kid this entire weekend, right? Just no fucking, nobody bugging you, right, other than your significant other. We need more ice. Can you go to the stool and get some more ice? What, do you not know how to drive a fucking car now?

Don't start, okay? Just don't fucking see. You said you weren't going to do this. You ruined Easter, you ruined Flag Day, okay? What is it with you and the holidays? Well, you know, I'd like to enjoy the day too, sweetheart, rather than run into the fucking store every time you decide we need some more fucking dip. You know what? You are just getting, you're just getting impossible. They're coming to America, the cunts. How's it going, man? I'm in a stupid mood. It's a Sunday when I'm recording this, and I have a lot to record. Congratulations, by the way, to the women's, the ladies' soccer team.

They won the World Cup. First ladies' team to ever do that, ever. Of course, it's the USA to go back to back, I should say. Four years ago, they also won a World Cup. All right? They're the first ones ever. How far back does women's soccer go? When did they first let them out to like fucking allow them to play soccer? You know what I mean? All these fucking guys yelling at them about their hoop skirts. You can't run around. You're going to fucking, you're going to trip and fall, and you're going to flatten out your titties, and then what? Then what?

You know? This is what guys thought back in the day. I'm just trying to give you guys perspective on women's soccer. History of women's World Cup. All right, let's look this up here. What do we got? What do we got? F-I-F-A. FIFA? FIFA? The FIFA World Cup is an international football competition. Blah, blah, fucking blah. Founded in 1991. Oh, Jesus Christ. All right.

But still, we are the first ones. We are the first ones, my friend. And we got the best women in the world. Do, do, do, do. Um, anyways, they won, and I watched literally seven minutes of it. It was promoted very well. I knew it was going on. How about that? I just was too busy to watch it. Now, as I mentioned before, I like Lady Soccer better than the fellas, because there's a lot less flopping around. You know what I mean? When a woman falls down and cries, you got to be like, all right, what happened? A guy falls down and cries. She's like, you fucking pussy, get up. Really? Did it hurt that bad with your little slippers on?

Um, now I'm going to get a bunch of fucking letters from cunts around the world going, you ever have somebody step on your toes with cleats? You know? Yeah, I've gotten a hooker before. Yeah, it feels like a bunch of stilettos. I've never understood that. You ever see that shit where guys want, like, women in stilettos to step on their balls? Yeah, we'll walk on their back like, what the fuck happened to you? Let's look that up, right? Who gives a shit? I don't have any guess. What the fuck? He just listed me looking up shit. Why do men like their balls stepped on?

This is actually going to be my search here. Let's say, clean out my cookies. Ball stepped on. Boot, boot, boot, boot, boot, boot, boot. Ball stomping foot fetish. Interestingly enough, it's on theobserver.com. What do I look up next? Why do people want to observe somebody fucking getting their balls? Why do guys, why do some guys like getting need in the testicles as a fetish? Here's another one. That's my fetish getting punched in the balls. Men explain what they actually want partners to do with their balls. All right, here's one. Be on play with them and do not approach them as though they were a boppet.

Well, I don't know what a boppet is, but that seems violent. Loads of people who don't want to have their own set of balls. Why does having my balls busted by men turn me on? Okay, okay, I went into the women's shit. All right, hang on a second. All right, let's just start with the ball stomping foot fetish. Heal the world. Pay for pain. Shoe guy. Let's women walk all over him. All right, all right, all right. We're going through the stories here.

You know, why can't they just answer the fucking question? You know, when you, I don't do this. Ah, you fucking cunt. I'm trying not to flip out. You know, I'm fucking sitting there. I'm trying to fucking look up a recipe, right? I like to cook. I'm a little dainty. I fly around the fucking kitchen every once in a while. You know, and you just, you just say something. All right, I want to make a fucking pork shoulder or whatever. And then they just can't give you the recipe. These fucking long-winded cunts they got again too. You know, ever since the 1600s, pork shoulder has just been a delicacy.

Why I remember when I was a child, the smell of pork. Who gets a fuck what happened? He was a fucking kid. I'm sorry, my kid's sleeping. Tell me what the fuck to make this shit. Jesus fucking Christ. All right, hang on a second. Why does some men like to get their balls stepped on? Let's add to the search here. Quick answer. Oh, Jesus. I just went to do guys love their balls being so I how to fondle his balls.

Jesus Christ. You ever play with your keys in your pockets, ladies? It's something like that. A lot less noise though. Anyway, I don't understand that. That's fucking hilarious to me. You can always imagine the hooker. You want me to do what? You want me to step on your fucking ball? I'll do it. Give me the money first. I just can't. You just sitting there like these fucking ladies. Like they got on those goddamn heels. I mean, I thought your balls were like grapes, right?

Won't they blow up? And furthermore, even if you're fucking into that, how are you walking to work the next day? How was your weekend, Mike? Great. He's fucking all bent over. Mike, you're looking a little blue. You know, he wears shorts to the work that day, like fucking on both sides of the inside of his thighs. I like fucking purple. That's when the whispering starts.

See, I have ball cancer. No, you know what I heard? Do you know what I know? Maggie from accounting went out to him. No, listen, listen. Everything was going great. They went to the ground round. They had some peanuts and they threw the shells on the flue. Then all of a sudden he gets back to his apartment. He's kissing her. He's fondling her tits. She's getting into it, right? They got Jim Cotta on in the background, so it's really romantic.

And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he goes, all right, you know, I'm a little different, which, you know, is a red flag. So I'm thinking he wants me to look at his ass or something. No, he fucking straps himself to a chair, pulls out his balls. It tells me to put on a pair of shoes and stomp on him. Oh my God, what did you do? I fucking kicked him in the booth. I mean, how do you even tell that story? I don't understand how the fuck, like, how do you even begin to bring that up? You know what I mean? That just goes so far down the fucking road and just disappears around a corner. Women, have you ever had that? Can you write in? Have you ever had a guy say he wants to get his balls stepped on?

You know, I mean, usually I don't give a fuck what anybody wants to do, but I mean, you could really hurt somebody. You know, can I just have a woman say that to you? What do you like? Tell me what you like. Well, this might be crazy, but do you got a pair of Converse All-Star high tops? Well, as a matter of fact, I do. Yeah, well, could you put one of them on and take a run and leap and just boot me right in the twat? I would be like, no. No, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that fucking hilarious. You know, you get with a woman and she likes it a little bit rough. I can't imagine now these fucking poor people, these fucking poor guys out there.

You get some fucking crazy chick. It's just like, I'm not fucking doing that. You want me to choke you in what had my fingerprints on your fucking neck? No, I'm not doing that. All right. You got some gloves? This is where we're at? I can sit here and act like I'm robbing a fucking house just to have sex with you. I don't want to do this. I'm not into this shit. All right. Anyways, I didn't want to talk to you about this. This is what happens when you do a podcast by yourself. You just go down a rabbit hole every once in a while. But anyway, I think I was trying to say in all of that, congratulations to the ladies.

You know, they beat the Netherlands, right, with their little aura. I don't understand why they're wearing the Irish orange there from the Irish flag. I have no fucking idea. Let me look up there. This is gonna be a whole podcast looking up shit. You know, fucking FBI looking at me. All right, let's build a file on this guy. He wants to go to fucking the Netherlands and have his balls stepped on. He whispers a lot. All right, Netherlands.

That flag is red, white, and blue. Why orange? All right. The colors came from the Prince of Nassau's coat of arms. The orange craze can be traced back to the very roots of the Netherlands. Orange is the color of the Dutch royal family. They must have been a bunch of chinges. Like that would ever happen. Like they would ever allow a family of redheads to rule anybody.

All right, let's look that up and see what we got here. History of redhead royalty. Red hair and royalty. There's nothing that you can fucking search that there isn't at least somebody attempting to answer it. It's fucking hilarious. It's like that Cliff Clavin. What you got there, don't you see? This is literally somebody. This is what happens when you have 7 billion people.

Can you imagine if we have the right population? You know, which people say is like underneath a billion. I don't even know what the, how much did they say? I have no, all right, hang on a second. Let's check that out. How many people, wait, no. Ideal population. What is the ideal population of the world? Please just give me a, you know, ever since the caveman days, people have been fucking.

1.5 to 2 billion. All right, let's just say 1.5. Okay, we're going to, we're going to err to the fucking lower. All right, you got 1.5 billion people in there. Okay. I don't even know why the fuck I looked at it. Okay, red hair and royalty. All right, the following article is pretty much a list.

I don't know why. If he was only 1.5 billion people on the planet, you know what? There probably still would be an answer to every fucking question and at least a goddamn attempt. The following article is pretty much just a list of redhead royals. I'll throw a few earls and holy Roman emperors. What's an earl? Is that like an uncle in the royal family? Mrs. My Earl Eddie, he's the balls.

He buys me fucking beers. You know, he doesn't wrap me out to the king. He's a good shit. You know, he was supposed to be king. Got busted drinking and driving and that was it. All right, Henry the second. Richard the lionheart was a redhead. Oh, he's got a big heart.

He's got a big heart and orange pews. I mean, you gotta love the guy. Elizabeth Woodville. Elizabeth of York. Elizabeth the first. There's a lot of lizards out there. Alexander the second. King of Scotland.

Mary, Queen of the Scots. That's it. All those kings and queens out there. That's all we got. We got one, two, three, four, five, six, seven and fucking four of them were ladies. So there was basically Henry the second, Richard the lionheart and Alexander the second. King of Scotland. You know, they don't give a shit.

Every other fucking person's out there is a goddamn redhead. So fucking cloudy. They're always looking down at the ground, looking at the raindrops so they don't even notice it. By the time they realize they got a fucking ginger in office, they don't give a fuck, right? As long as the beers are flowing. All right. Anyway, so the ladies won the fucking World Cup for the second time. That's awesome, man.

You know, I enjoy watching that shit and it's also fucking hilarious. So my friends call up, dude, some of these chicks are fucking hot. Like it doesn't, it's like, that's not what this is about. All right. Rub one out and sit down and realize the level of pressure that's going on here and these people are delivering. You know, oh man, this fucking guy pissed me off. Oh, let me tell you, oh, this guy pissed me off. I was crossing the street.

All right. The walk sign had turned to the numbers and it's counting down, right? And I got plenty of time to get across and this is fucking asshole in an SUV as I'm walking in front. He's peeping the horn. Like peep, peep, peep, peep. Like, like, let's pick it up. So I do the classic, put the arms out like, are you fucking serious? You know?

And he's got like, like his bumper and shit, his grill is in the fucking crosswalk. Right? It's the classic New York. Oh, I'm walking here. Right? So I get halfway. I turn around, you know, look at the guy with the fuck and I keep walking. And as he drives away, he goes that he goes, that's not a walk sign.

That's a countdown. Like, what the fuck does that mean? Does that mean what countdown to what you're going to fucking run? You still can't go in when the numbers are going down. It was one of those things that he drove away. It was nothing I could say quick enough. I wish I had like the presence of mind to just yell false, you know, or not true wrong. That's a good one.

And so he's driving away and you want to hear what, you know, if you're driving by somebody and you want them to hear you, you have to slow down or you got to get right to it. That's gonna be my new go to word when anybody yells anything. You redheaded fucking, you know, homophobic slur that you can't say anymore. I'll just go wrong. Yeah, but the guy was so convinced of it. I actually had to look it up. I looked that up too.

I looked that up. All right. And it's, it's not a count. Like it's, it is still a walkside that's telling you how much time you have left in the crosswalk. Then the fucking hand comes up and when the hand is like blinking, that means to run. And then when it says stop, that means don't walk. You fucking, oh my God. I fantasized of somehow catching up to him and punching him in the face through his fucking window.

That's like the ultimate. Like if I was the terminator, that's what I would do. I wouldn't be walking. I used that Akana. I would just be waiting for fucking drivers like that to be doing shit like that. And then that's when I would unleash my metal hand. All right. If I was a terminator, I would actually go through the fucking windshield and then do it.

You know, there's actually, I don't want to get into conspiracy theory, but believe it or not, there's actually real terminators walking around amongst us. All right. And the media tries to cover it up saying that they're on bath salts. It's not true. They're not like, that's not fucking true. Okay. Cause if bath salts made you eat a homeless person or fucking gouge out your own eyeballs,

you know, if you did shit like that, like no one would take the drug. Okay. What, what you're dealing with there is, is defective terminators that got confused. Okay. They're not supposed to get caught. And then they get caught. And then they just act like they're human. You know, it's a default program.

They just allow themselves to get arrested. And that's fucking true. And you know what? You can look that up. You know what? I'm going to look that up right now. Let's, let's see what we got here. Real terminators.

Walking. I'm going to get real specific amongst us. All right. Now this, this will definitely get to conspiracy. Six scientific, scientific advantage advances bringing us closer to a real terminator. That's not what I'm looking for. That sounds like they got facts. Here come the real terminators, the Washington Post.

Okay. That's scary. You know what? I'm going to look at that one. I've heard of the Washington Post. They're a newspaper up there in Seattle. Actually, it's Washington DC. I went to an East Coast college.

Shut the fuck up. All right. With your sandals and your fucking Harry bush. Two year DARPA robotics challenge, which will hand out innovation prize money up to teams that can build a robot capable of walking over rubble, manipulating complex tools, driving utility vehicles and performing a number of other disaster response operations has the potential to create the first generation of emergency first responder robots. Now, here's the funny thing about that.

This is the question you should be asking yourself. This is, this is what I think. If I had a website, this is what I would be writing about. All right. Human beings can do all of that. We can already do all that. So what the fuck are you wasting all this money coming up with these things? Unless these things are our replacements.

Okay. Except for the super rich. Right. I gotta look up something right now. How many red heads are in the Illuminati? Science shows red heads have genetic superpowers. Oh, Jesus Christ. That is one article away from being called a witch and getting drowned in Salem.

How many red heads are in the world? Red hair, lizard people. The greatest political conspiracy ever created. 11 things you didn't know about red heads. You know what? Let's see if I know this shit. All right. Do red heads come from another planet?

Do they have superpowers? These aren't uncommon questions thrown around at the ginger community. All right. Let's get to the fucking red heads. Don't turn into vampires when they die. That's number one. Red heads. They haven't had it easy.

Come on. You guys know what you did to us three. Technically, they are mutants. The gene that causes red hair, which is recessive. I like to call it special comes from the MC1R, which is a genetic mutation. Movies have led to me believe that this also means that red heads have hidden mutant powers. That's right. Oh, Jesus.

Are you trying to be funny? Mutant superpowers. Left-handedness. Oh, shit. I'm left-handed. Sometimes depends on what I'm doing. Mutant genes apparently like to hang out together. So if you have red hair, you're most likely to be left-handed.

That doesn't sound real. Red heads are more sensitive to temperature. That has to do with our fair skin. Everybody in fucking Ireland is. They never go gray. They just go a weird yellow color. Everything hurts them more than it hurts you. I actually heard that they have a higher threshold for pain.

But then again, you look, Scotland and Ireland are winning the competition. Red heads have less hair on their heads. Well, that goes without saying with me. They are better at generating vitamin D. Yeah, take that, brunettes. They are not going extinct. Oh, we're here to stay, baby. All right.

That was boring. All right. Can I read some fucking advertising here? What was I talking? I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. Oh, I was talking about fucking the real terminators. Ideal population. All right.

So why are they making these fucking things? Did Defense Advanced Research Project Agency anticipate that at least one winning team will be able to create a robot? See what they do with the nerds? Okay, they never got picked in gym class. Now they're all excited that they're on a fucking team. You know, they're finally going to win something because it doesn't involve some sort of athletic ability.

And they're all fucking excited thinking maybe now, maybe now I finally get the bang of fucking cheerleader. And what are they doing? They're actually creating. They're basically, they're going to kill all of us. That's why I fucking hate nerds. They've lost so much during their childhood, you know, and they're so gifted with their fucking intelligence

and they give it to the wrong fucking people. Donald Trump is a redhead. He is now anyways. And you know what? He's the one. He's the one who's going to take advantage of these fucking robots that you're making. All right. So they're going to, a robot capable of performing eight different tasks

as part of one continuous physical disaster scenario. Why do they have to use disaster by 2014? Well, you know what? That was fucking five years ago. And I don't see anybody knocking on my door. I use that. I got to. I use that.

All right. I think it's time for some fucking advertising. I don't know about you guys, you know, let's, let's cleanse the palette with a little bit of capitalism. Shall we? Do they have commercials in Russia? Are you allowed to? What do you have that?

Is your family in Gulag? Do they get called after being tortured? When they go to Gulag? Gulag. It sounds like a fucking, it sounds like something you get in fucking New Orleans. A big part of it. A big part of Gulag.

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All right. Shout out to everybody in California dealing with those earthquakes in Las Vegas and all that crap. I actually missed all of it. Which I'm happy about because I've been in a bunch of earthquakes and you know what? I don't like it. It's not fun to me. I'm not one of these fucking locals in LA that starts chuckling. This is nothing, bro.

I got some upcoming dates I want to tell you about. First of all, the most important upcoming date is July 12th Comedy Central. Guys, I need you on this one. I fuck around on this podcast. I'm asking you. I'm calling in a favor. Can you guys please stay home and watch Ian Edwards? One of the greatest comics out there that for whatever reason, people don't know about.

All right. He's going to be on Joe Rogan's podcast. He's opening for Rogan out in Vegas. I believe he told me this guy is a fucking monster. He did. He did the Patrice O'Neill benefit and I got emails for like three months going, who the fuck was that guy? Ian Edwards, new stand up special. Produced by the geniuses, the incredibly stable geniuses at all things comedy.

The podcast network that I do with Al Madrigal, Bert Kreischer and a cast of fucking thousands is airing July 12th on Ari Shafir airing July 12th on Comedy Central. Please sit down and watch it. So he gets the ratings and you know, I'm telling you, just because they're doing a bunch of fucking, you know, progressive hiring doesn't mean they're taking the time to actually find the right people in those groups. You know, you remember that Seinfeld bit, you know, about the reservation. Anybody can take a reservation. He starts snapping and anybody can take one holding the reservation. That's the hard.

That's so that's just anybody can fucking find a female comp, but finding the right one actually taking the time to do your homework. So when you finally going to give these people an opportunity, you actually pick the funniest fucking people out there. That's the hard part. That's where ATC comes in. All right, Ian Edwards is our progressive hire. I'm just fucking had nothing to do with that. I just picked him because he's fucking hilarious. All right, July 12th on Comedy Central.

All right, I have some upcoming stand updates. All right, and just let just let you know, I will be wearing a skirt for no reason on this next with pants on my new, my new, my new stand up tour. All right, I'm running out of ideas. Okay, I want to, I want to be considered an ally. Um, Foxwood Resort and Casino in Connecticut. I almost said Connecticut, Massachusetts and Connecticut, New England. All right, August 11th. And then I'm at the Cosmopolitan.

I added another date there, or at least my agent did and I was like, I don't want to do it. He said, listen, buddy, you fucking work for me. So now I'm going back December 21st. Ba-ba-da-da-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-da-da-ba-ba-ba. Just see those fucking jeans shorts waddling down the strip. They walk a fiver breast and they've watched flow as shit. Get the fuck, get the fuck, get the fuck out of the way.

It's still 100 degrees. Go get a fucking Sunday, you fat fuck. Eat it up, eat it up, and then you die. Sticky outside and watch your fry. And then we feed you to a fucking mountain lion. Sorry. Um, anyways, those, I'm going to be out there in those dates. Uh, Foxwood's Casino.

Also, I'm doing the Travis Roy Benefit August 1st at, um, what do you call it there? The, uh, the Wilbur? Oh my God, August 11th. I'll actually be wrapped on the movie. Jesus Christ. So you will not see a mustachioed freckled face on that date. You know? Um, it's going to be an event when I shave off the mustache.

I'm thinking of letting Nia do it. It's going to be on her Instagram page. She's going to shave it off like when they shaved off Bert Reynolds fucking mustache in the longest yard. I'm going to find a lazy boy recliner, reclined back. She's going to put a hot towel on my face. She's going to put on some stilettos. She's going to fucking stomp my balls. And as I scream in horror, she's going to shave off half of it.

Tell me to go fuck myself and walk out. That's the game plan. Okay. That's the first draft of the script. I'll let you know how it goes. Um, congratulations to Mack. Mack is winning another race. That's son of a bitch.

That's all he does is win. He's got four wins this year, three second places and one did not finish at the, uh, the one down there in Austin. When he had the fucking race one and he wiped out like he looked like me on a fucking motorcycle in that. Um, he's got a 58 point lead over Andres De Vizioso. Um, I don't know. It's, it's, it's, uh, he's running away with it. It's still so fucking exciting. I absolutely love it.

I missed the race this morning because, you know, I got a kid. So I'll be watching later on this week, but he won again. And, um, by the way, last night I did some spots down at the comedy seller. Uh, I actually did the fat black pussy cat and I did the village underground. And, uh, thanks to everybody down there for getting me up, put me on and whatnot. And after that I went over to Jim Norton's with Bobby Kelly and we watched the UFC event where, uh, we watched Amanda Nunes. Is that how you say it? I thought it was Nunes, Nunes Amanda Nunes, who's, uh, you know, I undisputably, I guess, indisputably the greatest fucking.

Female champion of all time. She literally beat everybody. Uh, my favorite one was when she beat cyborg. You know, I know they say she doesn't fucking use the Royds, but come on man. Okay. She looks like fucking Jay Leno. Uh, Holly home. She beat Holly home.

Who are you not? I'm both of them. I fucking love both of them, but, um, that was a great fight. And, um, it's funny, you know, when Holly home does that fucking pacing back and forth in the beginning right before the fight, she's like fucking got all that energy that with the first four years of my stand up career. That's how I did stand up. I would just pace back and forth like that talking way too fast and none of my movement had anything to do with what the fuck I was talking about pouring sweat. Just a fucking mess. And then this fucking, I mean, I haven't, I haven't been up on the UFC stuff.

I mean, any, any, evidently, there's, there's been this guy, Ben Askren, and, uh, he's been talking a lot of shit, which is always great. You know, makes you want to watch the fight. If it's funny, you root for him. If he comes off like a dick, you just sit down. Well, she's going to knock this fucking guy out. Right. Um, so I guess he's been doing that. And there was a time he put, he looked like he had this guy in like a headlock.

My big brother used to put me in. And for some reason the ref thought this guy tapped out and he didn't. He actually gave the thumbs up and this guy got the win. And they asked him if he was going to be a gentleman to give the guy a rematch. He's like, no, why should I, right? Cementing himself as a douche, right? Which is, I'm not saying that's a bad thing. You need a douche.

You need us. You need in the fight game, you got to have that fucking person that everybody hates because then they're going to sell the fight. So he's fighting this guy. I hope I say this guy's name, right? Jorge Maz Vidal. I'm white. I'm sorry. Okay.

Jorge. And he was really saying like, I'm going to beat this guy's fucking face. He was on Rogan's podcast, just like, you know, he wasn't being funny. He was literally going, I'm going to beat this guy's fucking face. And I fucking hate this guy. Um, and I don't, I don't want to ruin spoiler alert. I don't want to ruin this five second fight. He came out and redefined the right there, Fred.

He fucking, the fucking, it, it looked like somebody trying to tackle a car. He, the fucking bell rings. He just runs full speed right at the guy. And I don't know what the guy, the guy was like, I'm going to go for a fucking takedown. And then he also, his head was kind of like, wow, that guy's running really fast. It'd be like trying to tackle somebody on a fucking motor school who also is a champion UFC fighter. That's how fast this fucking guy was going. And just jumped in the air, flying knee and hit this guy right in the side of the head.

And this guy, he looked like he had rig of mortars. It was actually scary. Um, and my only thing that I don't like about the UFC is after you're clearly knocked out, you always take another two fucking, fucking, you know, really hard punches to the fucking head. Um, I saw that twice last night, but to be honest with you, they, there's only these guys are so fucking fast. There's only so fast that the ref can get in there. He's trying to stay out of the way. So it wasn't the ref's fault, but Jesus Christ.

Five, so you can watch, you can, the highlight is the whole fight. And Rogan was actually saying it was really a two second fight because the guy was out immediately and it just took the, uh, the ref another two punches to get over there. But Jesus Christ. Um, wow, is all I can say about that. That was fucking unbelievable. Congratulations to Jorge. There's no fucking way I'm going to try to pronounce your last name because I don't want to piss you off by butchering your name, um, with my whiteness here. And I hope that guy bends doing all right.

Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, that was a career render. When you, you're fucking laying, I was at Norton and go, look at his fucking toes. A girl Bobby said his toes are fucking curled up. There's something that happens. Whenever you get fucking knocked out like that, your legs always end up being crossed. Usually one of your arms is sort of like up. You know, you only do that like both their arms are up.

You know, it's almost like they got like, like they're in a Batman movie and they're, they're like the bad dancer at a wedding and they get frozen in the worst fucking position possible. Um, and then there was the championship fight, which, uh, unfortunately, I really should know the guy's name. The guy's like fucking out like a blown out ACL and he was fighting. It wasn't Jack Johnson, right? Isn't that the fucking guy writes that was originally a boxer. And then it was somehow a white guy with a guitar. It was Jack Johnson. Yeah, that's a white guy with a guitar.

And he's, oh, yeah, he sings those songs like, he says, you just started singing along. Did he do like scat singing? Versey had some of that. Somebody played that Versey's fucking backyard party. I was just like, this is, okay, Jack Johnson's a boxer. Okay, that's not the fucking guy. All right. UFC results.

Have you ever heard somebody look up more shit? John Jones got the decision. Oh, Jesus Christ. Over Thaigo Santos. Um, I don't know. I was not a, I was, I don't know. I don't know anything about, but that, that Santos guy was fucking amazing. And I thought John Jones was doing that championship thing where he knows you got to beat the champion to beat him.

Just the fact that the fight ended with Jones sort of running away from him. I fucking, I don't know that that, I don't know shit about it, but I was just saying, you can't throw another couple punches. What are we doing here? I have enough points. Therefore, there's no reason for me to get near him. Oh, look at this. They got the, they got the fucking, you guys saw, saw Rogan's fucking reaction. Oh, that's great.

That's great. Do you know Joe Rogan is one of the greatest barcasters ever? I mean, comedians ever. And he's going to, he's going to go on a broadcasting hall of fame. There's no fucking way. There's no fucking way. Who else can say they did that? Huh?

All right. We're 40 minutes in. Let's get to the fucking questions here. All right. Oh, I get all of a sudden, all these ladies are writing in. I'm loving it here. Oh, by the way, I meant meaning to talk about this, that Yankees Red Sox game that was in London, by the way, was so fucking fixed.

It was ridiculous. Okay. And you got to give a shout out to Joe Buck when it's like fucking 98 to two in the three hours in, and it's the fourth fucking inning. And he's got to first sit there and talk, you know, all his broadcaster friends sit down and fucking watch what the hell's he going to talk about now? They knew. They knew they couldn't go over and show a boring pictures dude.

They had to go out there and just everybody had to go yard. The game was like literally like fucking 19 to 15. All right. Responses from a lady. Having said that, the Yankees, I mean, they got to be odds on favorite. They just not losing. Although last night they lost. Devil Rays had a walk off home run, but like, they're just, it's amazing what they're doing

this year. So, and once I said, you know, they won this year, they'll have gone a century worth of decades. The last 10 decades, 90 years. I know that doesn't make sense, but it does. It started in the 20s. We're still in the teens. Okay.

Trust me. I worked it out with my public school math here. They'll have one at least one title in every decade, except for the 80s. You know, and if George Steinberg, I didn't have such a fucking hard on for Dave Winfield and start falling around, whatever the fuck he was doing, they would have one. Then George Steinberg, by the way, one of the most overrated fucking owners of all time. I'll argue that with you. I will.

All right. He lucked out in the beginning because that cheap fuck in the, uh, from the Oakland A's, their owner, what didn't want to pay anybody. So he had a fucking dynasty team just floating around out there and he fucking bought all the guys he needed. And then they won in 77, 78. Then he kept trying to do that for the rest of his fucking and never fucking worked. Never worked.

He was suspended. And that's what built up the fucking his next dynasty. And he fucked it up buying all these fucking guys. There was nothing he liked better than a 37 year old future Hall of Famer with half a tank left. He does nothing he liked better than giving them fucking $10 million. All right. Response from a lady.

Dear Billy Big Beard mustache. A huge fan. Listen, from a lady, two things I want to write about one. I also struggled with holding my tongue at the park in regards to other people's children. Oh, good. You make me feel better, especially when the children are much older than mine. My son is a small five year old. And while at a splash pad, uh, parentheses, water, but not swimming.

I'm, I'm, I'm, uh, familiar with these, these obese nine to 12 year olds were shoving my son and threw him to the ground running past him at full speed and knocking him older over. Over. I yelled out, Hey, and no to the other kids. The mom, of course, was pissed that I yelled out, Yeah, these fucking parents today. Don't yell at my kid. Well, he's a fat, sweaty fucking animal. Why don't you stop feeding him and once you talk to him, turn him into a young adult rather

than solving everything with a fucking banana split. You dumb cunt. Can't say any of that. You know, if I was making America great again, you'd be able to say that to another parent at a fucking playground. Um, okay. The mom, of course, was pissed that I yelled out. After that, she would yell out, those are my boys. Those are my boys.

Be the alpha male and stare at me like she wanted a confrontation. Oh, she would have got one. You should have done some stiletto heels and kicked her right in the twat. Mind you, she is also an obese, tall individual. And I was afraid that if I confronted her, confronted her, she'd sit on me. Ah, fuck that fat shit. This is all you do. You get in their wheelhouse, you hop in and you hop out.

That's how you beat a fat guy. You hop in. They fucking over commit. All right. Unless they know what they're doing, which you never know nowadays, but say they don't you hop in. They think they got you. They lunge for you and then you hop out and then gravity takes over. And then they face plant.

All right. And then they lay in face down, but it's like a turtle that's upside down and you leave them there and you let them bake. Think about what they did. That's how you beat a fat parent without throwing a punch. Um, all right. I don't even know if that works, but it sounds good, doesn't it? Um, where am I? I noticed people are doing less to ensure their children are, are doing less to ensure their children a little shit.

Shits. It seems like every time we are at the park, there's rough kids who are absolute savages and their parents just don't give a shit if they're bullying other kids. Yeah. Yeah. And they start doing that as natural selection, but that's whatever. Just know this. I'm a protected kid and know that someday that fucking moron will be shoveling shit into a truck. And I literally mean shit in regards to the women, women, the woman whose friend.

Whose blunt a K a a total cunt. I'm also very large breasted, but my frame is very small and I can say I've never had an issue with that being taken seriously by men. They'll see my rack on site. Yes, but it's not likely they only see a walking pair of tits. Well, even if they do, I mean, you should be able to within it within a couple of questions. You should be, you should figure out, you know, that, you know, that that's all the guys into it. Right. I've had plenty of meaningful relationships as an adult with the large chest.

Fuck that lady and fuck all of those friends. If I were her friend and someone in that circle said that I'd immediately call the woman out on being a dick. Thanks and go fuck yourself. I like this person. I like people who see the world the way I do. You agree with me. You're a good person. I like you.

I don't like to be challenged with other opinions. All right. Cigars and anger. Oh, sir, please don't take the one vice I have left. Please don't take this from me. Cigars and anger. Dear Billy black lung. You don't inhale cigars.

I know you're right. We talk about dealing with anger and trying to control it as someone who has smoked cigarettes on and off for many years. I believe some of your anger issue may simply, may simply be due to nicotine withdrawal. Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances on earth. And by smoking cigars on and off every few weeks, you are constantly addicting your brain to nicotine and then putting it through withdrawal. If I smoke it every couple of weeks, then I'm not addicted to it. So what the second I puff it's then addicted. Is that what you're saying?

Withdrawal can cause anger irritation in a short temper. I agree with that. Have you ever tried a long period of time away from cigars? Yes. And I was still an angry cunt. I think it might really help. Thanks and go fuck yourself, Josh and New Zealand. All right.

I love New Zealand. All right. Hang on a second. Let's look this up here. What are some of the most addictive substances? Cigar every two weeks addiction. Question mark. Six surprising facts about cigar smoking.

I'm not going to any 10 surprising things you didn't know about redheads. That's just clickbait questions and answers about cigar smoking and cancer. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. What are the health risks? So scientific damage has shown that cancers of oral cavity, lip, tongue, mouth and throat, larynx, lung and esophageal associated with cigar smoking.

Furthermore, evidence strongly suggests a link between cigar smoking and cancer, the pancreas. In addition, daily cigar smokers, particularly those who inhale are at risk of developing heart and lung disease. I don't do it daily. Like cigarette smoking, the risks from cigar smoke to increase with increased exposure. For example, compared with someone who has never smoked, smoking only one or two cigars per day, doubles the risk for oral. I don't do that.

Smoking three to four cigars daily. Okay. I don't do that. What is the risk of ventilation? I don't do that. How are cigars and cigarettes different? Cigars and cigarettes differ in both size and type of tobacco use. Cigarettes are generally more uniform in size and contain less than one gram of tobacco.

Each cigar in the other hand can vary in size and shape and can measure more than seven inches. Large cigars typically contain between five and 17 grams of tobacco. It is not unusual for some premium cigars to contain the tobacco equivalent of an entire pack of cigarettes. Oh boy. Yeah, I know. I need to cut down. But I don't think it's affecting my temper. My temper is it comes from childhood issues.

I'd love to blame it on cigars. I would love to just quit cigars and all of a sudden I don't have a short fucking temper. Or maybe you're just saying if I wasn't, I'm adding to my temper by doing that. I don't know. I smoke one every two weeks. All right. If that's going to fucking kill me, that's going to kill me. All right.

I'm not going to go my life. Okay. I don't drink anymore. I don't watch internet porn. I don't eat sweets. Can I just have a fucking cigar every two weeks? Can I do that, please? Actually, I had my first cigar in 12 days on July 4th.

And then I had two more the very next day. And I smoked two and a half the day before. Yeah, I just go nuts when I do it. And I won't do it for like two fucking weeks. It's bad. You're right. I'll smoke one. I'll smoke one.

How about one a month? Can I do that? You cunt. All right. George fucking burns. He always was smoking cigars. He was fine. All right.

Fiancé problem. Hello, Bill. The shiny head burr. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Had a very shiny head. A big fan of your stand ups and a bigger fan of your podcast. Thank you very much. I'm a 30 year old man engaged with a 25 year old woman.

Congratulations. We meet at work. Got together after a few months and engaged within six months from the beginning of our relationship. One month into our relationship, I moved in with her and her mother to share rent as we are living in the UK. And we are from Eastern Europe. That's I knew you were from somewhere because you were like, I'm a big fan of your stand ups.

All was fine for a while. But then she started correcting everything I do from the way I walk, eat, talk, think, behave, and even the music I listen to in my private time. I'm a classic rock fan, by the way. But the most pressing issue is that she doesn't like my mother and my family and wants me to have more of a distant relationship with her. That's the one thing I can understand. You're living with them, right?

Oh, you moved in with her and her mother. Oh, wait, you're living with her mother and she's giving you shit about your family? Get the fuck out of here. Anyway, it doesn't want our future kids spending time alone with my mom. All right, dude, I'm halfway through this and I knew fucking five sentences ago. You got to break up with this person. I kept a distance for about four months, but after an argument with my fiance sends me, my fiance sends me a, I'm sick and tired of you.

You will never achieve anything in life. Text message. And I caved and called my mother for advice. Why do you caved and called your mother? Dude, you're looking at this ass backward fucks this person. This person wants to break up with you, but doesn't know how to do it. Advice on how to deal with this. I did lie about talking with my mother afterwards, but confessed to her later and apologized.

But now my fiance, your fiance is mad at you for talking to your mother. My question to you, is it normal for a person you are with to demand that I changed everything? No, that she doesn't like about me just to be with her. Any advice from you with a lovely Nia is helpful. Thanks and happy. Go fuck yourself. Sorry for the bad English. Yeah, break up with this person.

All right. She's talking about the way you walk. You can't talk to your mom. It's like you're fucking shooting heroin. It's like you got a crazy temper like me. When people call you out on that shit, she's talking about the music you listen to. Oh my God, that'd be the easiest breakup ever. Can you imagine going from that relationship, sir, to some woman that actually enjoyed how you walked

and let you listen to your music and didn't, you know, got along with your mom and you could actually talk to your own mother? Yeah, that woman is out there. That would be most women that you're going to date. You got a fucking psycho on your hands and you got to back the truck up, sir, and beep, beep, beep. Oh, dump that shit right out the back. Right on the side of the street. Take the ticket.

Who gives a fuck? All right. Husband's fault. Bill thought this video summed up my marriage pretty well. This is called husband's fault. All right. I'm playing that. It's a cat near a pool.

This guy sneezes, makes the cat jump and land in a pool. And then his fucking wife gives him shit. Listen to this. Oh, I'm not allowed to. That is fucking hilarious. All right. Jesus Christ is going to play nine times in a row. What's funny about that is she gives him shit, but he doesn't even give a fuck about that.

He's not allowed to fucking sneeze. There's a lot. There's a lot in that video. There's a lot of past history going on in that fucking. Who knows? He probably did some shit too. Nice, Ron. You can see she's just, she's, she's settled with what he's going to do in life.

All right. Boyfriends wait from a lady. Hi, Bill. I'm a 24 year old lady and I've been with my redheaded boyfriend for a year and a half. You can't be a fat ginger. You just can't do it, man. You gotta, you gotta, gotta get an elliptical here. All right.

When we first started dating, we both gained the relationship weight from always eating out back in January. You both decided to try and lose the relationship weight. I lost mine and more while my boyfriend has not. Well, there's a quick way to lose your girlfriend. I struggled with weight my whole life and take diet and exercise seriously. I've tried to nicely tell him how he should try to be healthier. Yeah.

He's fucked. He's 24 years old. He's already a fat fuck. What do you even look at 34, 44, 54? You're gone. You're going to die. I've tried to tell him how he should be healthier. And I'll tell you, you got all these fucking advertising now.

They're showing overweight people evidently thrilled and, you know, yeah, take a picture of them now. They're not going to be here. Being overweight is not a fucking joke. I'm going to cut down on my fucking cigar smoking and, you know, you got to keep your fucking weight off. You just got to do it. This whole fucking new world where, you know, you can't call somebody a fat fuck.

I agree with that shit. But in the same thing, you don't fucking champion like they just won a war because they ate a whole box of fucking donuts. There has to be a happy middle, happy medium. There doesn't have to be, but I think there should be. Anyways, he just tells me, I know I'm sorry. It doesn't make any efforts. Oh, just cupcake eating jackass.

I know I'm sorry. You lazy fuck. I don't want to come across as a shallow or a bitch. You're not. But how else should I get him to get his ass on the elliptical? I generally want him to be healthier and happier with the way he looks. I would love to hear any advice you in the lovely knee. I have thanks to go fuck yourself.

Just telling me looks like a giant powdered donut with fucking orange filling coming out the top. You know, honey, just how unfuckable are you trying to become? I don't know how to do it. I just like that. He's saying it to a guy. So I feel like you don't have to really worry about his feelings that much. I just sit down and say, I just, you know, I'm worried about you and you just keep saying,

I know I'm sorry and you're not doing anything about it. And it's not acceptable to me and it should be acceptable to you. All right. You're in the prime of your life. You should look like it. I guess, you know, the doctor fill way of maybe like, why are you eating so much? What is it that you feel that you're, you're getting out of eating them cupcakes? What is it that you're not dealing with?

I don't know. It's not fair. I would just say, listen, back in January, we made it made a pact to both lose weight. I did and you didn't. I brought it up to you and all you say is, I know I'm sorry. So what the fuck? All right, just say that in a nice way. It's not fair to you.

You walking around looking like a piece of ash and then you got the Macy Day pasty float jumping on top of you like a fucking beanbag full of talcum powder. I mean, that's just not fair to you. It's not fair to you. You tell them, I'm not looking for rock hard abs, but I mean, Jesus Christ, you fucking got a couple of mozzarella balls hanging off your fucking hips. It's not sexy. He's all sweaty.

It's like, yeah, it's. Yeah, maybe give him a bad nickname. Don't listen to me. I'm, I'm, I'm mean, I mean, I got an, I got, I got, I got a good heart, but I can get me. All right. Uh, boyfriend's wait for Malina. Okay. And the last one.

UFO conspiracy and Bob Lazar laser. I don't know. Hey there, old Billy barbershop quartet. Uh, not sure if you heard this about this one yet, but I know you're into conspiracy theories. You got to listen to Rogan's podcast with Bob Lazar. It's fucking crazy. He's been telling this story since the 1980s. So if he's bullshitting him, us or whatever, I commend him for keeping it going for 30 years,

but even Rogan believes him for the most part. If you don't know his story, he's basically a physicist who has a degrees from Caltech and MIT and first started his career at the Los Alamos National Laboratory. He made the local newspaper after putting a jet engine in the back of his Honda, which then got the attention of the government of government officials at S four, which from my understanding is a lab at area 51. See that people, you put yourself out there, you get a job. He eventually gets employed there.

On his first day, he's briefed on all this alien technology and his tasks to the propulsion team working on power source that operates the UFOs. Wait, there's a UFO there and he all of a sudden he's, he's working from day fucking one. Hey, welcome to area 51. They didn't men in black and with that little fucking thing there. Anyway, this is where it gets crazy. All right.

Thanks for watching this. The Joe, the Joe Rogan episode here. Let me make sure I got this down here. Where is it? Where is it? Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Content. It is episode 1315.

1315. All right. He eventually gets employed there. This is where it gets crazy. Bob claims that the US government has nine UFOs in their possession and they're all powered by this anti-gravity device that is essentially a reactionless power source, i.e. zero exhaust. Bob, Bob's purpose there was to figure out how that power source worked.

Jesus, which would involve taking it apart. Oh my God, how scary would that be? But one of the craziest things he mentions is that one of these aircraft were found on an archeological dig, which is wild to think about how long it's been here for. Yeah. I don't think that's that wild. I always had a theory that water was the nuclear waste from the last people that fucked up this planet. And everything you're seeing is mutant fucking shit.

And just because we crawled out of it, we vibe with it so we think it's beautiful. And in the future, you'll have plastic fucking beings made out of water bottles or some shit. I don't know. He only worked there for about six months and then blew the whistle in 89. He's a fucking rat. Keep your mouth shut. But since then, he's been telling the same story and the details never waver. You know something?

I used to think that people should rat out people for shit like this. But you know something? Watching the behavior of people online, they shouldn't be privy to this information. They can't even handle Hillary Clinton losing to fucking Donald Trump. You know, the other assholes can't handle fucking Obama winning a couple of elections. I don't know. It's fine. I don't know.

You can tell him about fucking UFOs. Why can't I have that anti-gravity machine in my fucking trailer? He had his birth certificate and school records scrubbed. His house and business constantly get raided by the FBI and other government agencies and is discredited all the time. Why don't they just try to kill them? They just do that. But as time goes on, more things slowly come out to validate the story. Like for example, the people at Los Alamos National Lab claim he never worked there,

but there's an employee logbook from the 80s with his name in it shown in the documentary. All right. Well, there's also a documentary that claims, you know, Courtney killed Kurt. So I don't know. So he talks about how at S4 they had this biometric device that measured the length of your finger bones because they're unique to every individual. Well, why would they do that if fingerprints are fucking unique to every individual? Why do you got to take it to that level? People said that science fiction, well, maybe you could fake fingerprints because they're external.

People said that science fiction, people said that science fiction, those don't exist. But recently pictures of this device were released. See below. Another one is the existence of element 115, which is allegedly the power source of the anti-gravity devices. As of a few years ago, we can man make this element in particle accelerators, but it is very unstable and decays within seconds. In the new Netflix documentary, Bob says that he took a piece of element 115 from S4 and hit it and says, that's why his house slash business keep getting rated. Why don't they just arrest you and grab all your shit? Anyways, I thought this was extremely interesting.

I linked the Joe Rogan episode here for you and for a documentary just search Bob Lazar on Netflix. Personally, I thought the Joe Rogan podcast was much better than the documentary, but it's worth checking out. Hope to catch in Jersey soon. Cheers. All right, I'll watch it. I'll watch the Rogan thing. I'm not going to watch the Netflix thing. I'm where I'm at.

I can't figure out how to fucking get on it anyways. All right. Well, that's the podcast, everybody. Did I bring up everything I had to please once again? Remember, please watch the Ian Edwards standup special July 12th on Comedy Central. All right. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves.

And I'll check it on you on Thursday. But the impact will be real. Learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact.