Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 7-9-15

Episode Date: July 13, 2015

Bill rambles about the UFC 189, selfies and being a fat fuck.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, July 13th, 2015. What's going on? How are ya? I just had a really embarrassing moment, right? It's Sunday afternoon. Isn't there a song about Sunday afternoons? Rainy days and Mondays. Oh, Jesus Sunday afternoon. Isn't that how it goes? I just had a really embarrassing thing. I fucking Andrew, who sends me all the podcast shit. I'm walking my dog around the block, right? And he tells me to call him. So I call him. So he tells me that he's sending me the podcast shit. So I go to it, you know, I come back with the dog and I go to fucking check my emails and it's not there. In fact, I haven't got

one fucking email since July 10th, which never happened. So I check my little mini iPad thing. It won't let it's refreshing. It won't give me anything else. I check my fucking iPhone. I got the six now, just like all you kids out there playing the fucking Avatar games, the one single person first person. I'll blow your fucking face off in the comfort of my attic bedroom. All right, I got I got the new one, none of them, no emails for two days. So I went the fuck this fucking happens to me all the time. So I lose my shit. I call Andrew up and he's going, Oh, that's weird. That's strange. I never heard of that. Oh, people always say about my shit. And then he tells me he hasn't told he hasn't sent it yet.

Let me try sending them. And then they came through. So there was nothing wrong. It was just my dumb ass had not got an email in two days. And I thought I was so fucking important that I at least get a little bit of spam. So it's so whatever this fucking egg and old freckles face here, you know, some I'm starting off humble, starting off humble, like that fucking Irish guy there with his chest tattoo running around talking all this shit that he was going to do to the half of the fucking world. Now listen, I don't watch a lot of UFC, so I don't even know any of the fucking names. But I watched that, you know, and I'm part Irish. And that guy skipping around like a fucking leprechaun talking all that shit.

It just fucking annoyed me. So now I'm now rooting for Barney Rubble, a Latino Barney Rubble that Mendez dude, right? And fucking what what this face there who looks like he looks like he looks like a combination of the guy from the spin doctors and that creepy mascot for Burger King. I can't figure out what he is except he can fucking spin around and put his heel on your temple. All right, so I'm watching this shit. And he's talking all this shit. And he's doing all that Roy Jones like I'm going to humiliate you while I beat you. And which of course is making me root for the little fella. I mean, who do I see in there even though that guy's a pasty fuck with red hair just like me. He's actually got a full head of hair the son of

a bitch, right? I want to root for you know what I mean? Little fucking redhead solidarity. I want to root for this guy, but he's such a cunt. And the first halfway through the first round, I'm like, you know what? Fuck this guy. Let's go shorty. Right. I'm rooting for the little guy and little guys fucking starts taking him to the mat. He's fucking throwing elbows. This fucking little fucking Burger King guy is eating these things. And then he gets up and he kind of nods like, Oh, yeah, that was pretty good. That was pretty good. Pretty good. You got to cut over your eye there freckles, right? Next thing you know, next round comes out. The fucking little guy is putting this freckled cunt on his back. Ground and pound, ground and

pound, ground and pound. Okay. And fucking Ireland's Burger King guy gets back up. He gets back up and all of a sudden he's not talking shit anymore. He's got a little fucking yeah, yeah, that was pretty good. That was pretty good. Pretty good. He was on top of you the whole fucking round. Long story fucking short. I think it was the third round. He fucking does it again. He's just on top of this guy beating his fucking ass. All right, he gets up. You know, which is good on the fucking red headed dude, he fucking gets up. Connor, whatever, McLaughlin, or is it Sarah McLaughlin? I don't want to fuck his name is Connor something or other, right? He fucking gets up. And the little guy is gassed. The guy got two weeks notice. This other fucks been training for months to fight

this Jose, Josie, whatever the fuck his name is, right? So a little fella's gassed. He catches a fucking left. He goes down. He's covered up. He's not fighting back, but he's covering up and immediately the fucking dude steps in. That'll be it. And then the spin doctors guy jumps up and down, you know, and jumps on the fucking cage. You know, it starts crying into the Ireland flag. Okay, now I'm not saying that that fucking Irish dude's not a badass fighter. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that little fella, he earned the right, he earned the right to ride out that round, get to the chair and then you look at him. You want to go out again? Granted, he was gassed. Maybe they saved him. But you know, I don't know. I don't know shit about the sport. I don't even

know the fucking names. But all I can tell you was that evidently that was going to be a big fight. You know, when Mary McCheese there was going to fight Josie and the pussy, whatever the fucking name is, right? That's that that's why the fight game, man. I'm telling you right now, anybody who is the dawn king of the sport, you should fucking, you should have to dress like Boss Hawk, because to me, that fucking reeked of a quick stoppage. You can't tell me. Of course, you can tell me. The fuck do I know? I'm just a comedian, right? And I play one on TV too, right? That just reeked of, holy fuck, we thought he was going to beat this little bastard's ass, and we're going to get a two for one on the pay-per-view here, because everybody, you know,

the Irish guy talks so much shit, you're going to watch him anyways, right? I know I sound like a moron. Fuck you. And it seemed like bullshit to me. It just seemed like bullshit. Or maybe I've watched Rocky too many times. I wanted that little fella to fuck the whole thing up. I wanted him to fuck up the big payday, and it didn't happen. Okay. Hats off to the Irish guy. All right. Double hats off because he's also a redhead. You know, he's making us look good. God knows we take a bunch of shit. I just thought it was a quick stoppage and good on him that he took that pounding and was able to get back up again. But I'll tell you right now, that was not a good fight for that guy. I would guess because I would think that the other guy would be like, oh, that's very

interesting. Very interesting what that little fella there did on only fucking two weeks training. This is amazing how much shit I'm giving to people who in their sleep, like walking in their sleep could fucking choke me out. The second I brushed up against him with any sort of energy that they didn't like, you know, is they're still muttering in their sleep about fucking a bowl of cornflakes. They'd still choke me out. Doesn't stop me from talking shit like the bitch that I am in my own podcast and the safety of my own office within my house. Oh, yeah, I'll fucking talk shit about anybody in here. You get me outside the confines of my gate. Hey, how are you? Nice to see you. I like your shirt. Anyways, it was it was a great what a fucking

if you didn't rent it, man, I would rent that shit. UFC 189 for as much as I'm being a little fucking rag and cunt here, just wired a wire every fight was a fucking knockout. It was unbelievable. You know, my favorite part of the night was when Rogan was watching the whatever fight it was, where I don't fucking know this white dude was fighting this other guy and the guys just swinging wildly and and Rogan actually laughed at one point, you know, not like, you know, no disrespect to the fighter, he just was enjoying the fight and he sort of laughed and said, this is a bar fight. And this fucking maniac, you know, a lot of fighters, you know, after they win the fight, when they're celebrating, they look scary. But the second they start talking

that's the totally chill. There's a few of them that can't shut it off. And you're like, that guy, you know, like that big dude and the dirty dozen posey. Remember that? Come on, posey, stick them, stick them. Yeah, yeah, I'm pushing you. And he's fucking Lee Marvin's pushing them, then he just fucking snaps and he's just like, stop pushing and he can't fucking shut it off. And he wants to drive fucking Lee Marvin's nose right through his brain and keep punching until he fucking goes to his fist and his forearm goes right through the brains of his entire fucking family tree. Like that guy had like that energy. There was so many sick, I really should know these fighters names, especially considering I'm trying to get in shape and

these guys are in some of the best shape you could possibly be in. I don't know, I'm not going to pretend like I know anything about the sport. All I can tell you was I 100% got my fucking money's worth. And other than I just thought they stopped the fight a little too soon, but really thinking about it. I think I was just being selfish, because I wanted that little dude to upset him. I got to stop calling little dude, the guy was shorter than the fucking redhead. He fucking, I just, I thought he earned the right to get to the fucking corner and be like, dude, can you go or you're gassed or whatever. But then of course, he's going to say, yeah, I can go and then maybe he would actually really get fucked up. You know, you know, Bill, maybe

if you think about it, maybe the official referee of that pay-per-view fight, maybe knows a little bit more, maybe was a little bit closer, maybe has watched a few more fights than you did, and maybe he stopped it at the right time. All right, whatever, I wanted to see it keep going. I want to see him put him on his back again. God damn it. I love when that happens. I love when an underdog fucks it. Like some dude comes in, he's not supposed to fight this guy, or it's just supposed to be this tune up fight for the big fucking payday. And this guy comes in and just fucking knocks him out, knocks the dude out. I always imagined like that would be that that's what it would be like if you somehow interrupted like the new world order, you know, and I'm not

saying that this shape shifters, but I'm saying if you honestly think that these fucking maniacs, that there's not a group of people that want to run it all and own it all, then I don't know, I don't know. Then I wish I was you. I wish I lived where you lived and saw what you saw, that you haven't seen that fucking human behavior. But I don't know, I'm out of my point. Go fuck yourself. It's a Sunday afternoon. I'm hanging out by myself. My wife's not around. I've been talking to my dog all day. Do you think that this is going to make sense? Well, did you I should have yelled anyways, but in the next UFC, I go in and out of the UFC, you know what I mean? Like I do with like wrestling, when they don't have a lot of good

stars or whatever, I start to fade or whatever, I get busy in my fucking life. I should watch it because whenever I watch it, it motivates me to get in shape. You know what I mean? Or if I even watch like the ultimate fighter, which I know that's kind of like making the band or who wants to be a millionaire for like fucking fighters, you know, I mean, I don't know how many guys actually came out of that fucking house that went on to do some shit, you know, I think most of them are like, you know, those people that sing during the first week of American Idol, you know, those people Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. All right, buddy, you're not going to Vegas. Then they cry to the camera. At least I did it. You know, I came here, I threw some upper cuts.

You know what I mean? Most of them end up like that. And as always, even that crying little fucking douchebag could kick the shit out of me and asleep. I admit all of that before any of you cuts come at me like, Oh, maybe you want to talk shit about something you can actually beat in a fight. Maybe you should go fuck yourself. He says in the safety of his own office within his house behind his gate. So anyways, the next UFC, which I'm going to go out on a limb and say is going to be UFC 190. The constipation or whatever they're kind of out of adjectives. I think they finally stopped doing that. Remember that? The revenge factor. And it was like deportation canceled reservation. UFC 143, they just ran out. So they just have they just call it by numbers

now. So I think 190 is going to be that's that's going to be down in Brazil, the beginning of August. And what's great is rowdy Rhonda Rousey. I hope I said, is it Rhonda Rhonda Rousey? How do I not remember names? Once again, someone else who kicked the shit out of me in her sleep. Um, she's fighting, she's fighting in Brazil, and she's fighting the top woman in Brazil. Of and what's great about that is I just that's it's going to be so great to watch her shut an entire nation down. You know, I think the biggest problem she's going to have is security trying to get the fuck out of there. After she beats that woman's ass, because I think she's gonna and you know why? Because I watched about point eight seconds of highlights on her opponent. You know

what I mean? Oh, I'm talking about the fight game. I am in way over my head. Fuck you. It's a dog days of summer. Hockey's over. Basketball is over. There's no football. What do you want from me? The fuck do you want from me? So I don't know anything can happen is what I've learned watching fights or whatever. And I know that Brazilian girl, she's got one of those Brazilian booties. So who knows if she gets low, she gets low, who knows what can happen? You know what I mean? She puts that thing to fucking work. Who knows? But I don't think it's going to happen. Anyways, yeah, the dog days of summer. So I watched I missed the men's final was today, as I said, I'm taping here on Sunday. Congratulations to Joe Kovic, you know,

coming back after you losing the French open. He beat Andy Federer. I would have liked to have seen that. Maybe they'll replay it on the tennis channel. I actually watched the replay of Serena winning the Serena slam. You know, she won last year's US Open, then she won the Australian, then she won the French and now she won Wimbledon. So she won the last four in a row. And who's kidding? No, she'll win the fucking US Open. And the record is six, I believe by Martina not Travalola, I think. And by going, I glanced at Wikipedia for two seconds. I have no idea, but I'm rooting for her. She needs one more to tie Steffi Graf. And obviously one more after that and she'll have won the most ever, which is pretty amazing that not only she can do that,

but she can do it at her age. Gee, Bill, that was very informative. It wasn't funny on any fucking level. All right, relax. Okay, so as I mentioned last week, all freckles, all freckles is on the wagon. Show me the way to go home. I'm tired and I want to go to bed. I've been on the wagon now for seven days. No booze. And I was like a buck 80s, 186.6 my way in and I wanted to lose three pounds a week for the next like two months to get myself down to my fighting weight. And I got on the scale this afternoon and I was 183.2. So I actually lost 3.4 pounds. So next week, you know, I need to be down to 180. So if you want to do it with me, this is what I'm doing. This is my diet. This works, this works from me and what I'm doing. I

wake up in the morning. I take my dog. I take my dog for like an hour long hike. And I come back. And then I have oatmeal and a banana. And then between lunch and breakfast, I either have an apple or an orange. And so I get two helpings of fruit before 12 after 12. If I'm going to have, I'll only have a vegetable. I won't have a fruit just because it's got all the sugar. So then for lunch, as you can tell, this is not an exciting diet. And as you can tell by the incredible lack of passion in my voice, but it's working for me. You know, as Whitney and Bobby Brown used to say, it works. It works for me. It works. Sorry, I have a black wife. So I see stuff like that on TV. I have a black wife. My wife is black. African American, sir. So anyways,

anybody remember that episode, Whitney and Bobby Brown? It's kind of tragic now, obviously. Really, you think so, Bill? I said, daughter's in a coma. When they were fucking in the store and they were trying on hats or something, sunglasses, and they were both probably high. And they go, does it work? It works. And then they just started doing this song. It works. It works for me. It works doing this fucking dance and everyone's staring at him. It was actually a nice moment. Anyways, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. So, and then in the afternoon, what do I usually have in the afternoon? That's kind of whatever. I don't know. That's a little weird. The afternoon one. The fuck do I usually have? I try to have something healthy. That's

usually I'll have like a bowl of cereal, just something, something to throw a little flare into the day. But then at night, I go, I eat super healthy, right around between five and six, you know, protein the size of the palm you hand, and then just a bunch of vegetables, and then I just crush fucking waters for the rest of the night. And I'm not drinking anything else but water, to be honest with you. And, and then if I do get hungry at night, and I need a late night snack, I have a bunch of celery sticks already cut up, and I'll take like a fucking like a spoonful of peanut butter. I know, I know, but you know what? It works. It works. Fucking fucking, all I gotta do is just live like this for three fucking months, and I can get down to my fighting

weight. Not three months, two months. And yeah, do it with me. Eight times three. That's 20 of you lose 24 pounds with me. All right, do it with me. Get your beach body like me in September. So anyways, you don't even have to do this shit. I'm just telling you guys that I'm going to do it. So I stay off the stay on the wagon Freudian slip there, stay on the wagon. And then I also continue to drop my three pounds a week. Whatever, man, you know what I mean? Next week will be six pounds. And in between week two and three, that's when people start noticing which motivates you even more. So, you know, Jesus, and then I just been doing like the push ups and the pull ups, and that type of thing. Burke Chrysler sent me this thing on Twitter about how to improve your

grip strength, this men's health thing. In the first exercise, I've actually been able, I got myself worked up, I can do is basically you hang from a chin up bar, three sets of one minute, which you wouldn't think is hard, but it is. It can be whatever if you're fat, fucked like I am. Oh God, I hate myself right now. So that's what I'm doing. I'm eating right and I'm watching the UFC's. I'm watching boxing. I'm just looking at people in shape. You know what I mean? If you're a fat fuck, watch men that are in shape with your wife. And you'll feel it on. I like, God, I wish my husband looked like that. And I'm telling you, it'll motivate you to get down there and get on the fucking mat. So anyways, hey, listen, I got an idea here. Why don't I promote this

right now? So, you know, I sell these posters on the road. And I come home and I'll have some extra ones and I autographed them. I send them out. We ship them out. People buy them and we ship them out. So the last time we had the ones from the Southern tour. And, you know, we shipped those out. Everybody got their fucking orders. You know, no problem. But it did take longer. A lot of people were like, where the fuck is it? Because it took us a long time to get them out because we do everything ourselves here. So know this, all the posters we have that are left over from my week in Boston where I did the 19 shows. Those are all autographed and they're already packaged in the tube ready to go. All we need is for you to order them. And we'll just slap a label on them.

And my guy is telling me that these fuckers will be out by Tuesday. So they will go on sale tonight at 10 p.m. Pacific time, which is fucking stupid. I'm gonna I got a tweet about it. They're all autographed and whatnot. And what else? All right. Oh, so if you don't want to if you want to send an email to the podcast, it's bill at the mmpodcast.com. That's where you send it. And whatever. So if you'd like an autographed poster poster from my historic run, or stupid run, depending on who you are, of 19 shows in Boston, we had some leftover ones, we had about about 3, 400 of them. I got them all autographed. They make a great gift for someone that you like, or maybe don't give a fuck about the 20 bucks plus the shipping,

you can order them right off my website, billbird.com, just click on the merch page. And like I said, we already got them all boxed up or tubed up, whatever you're supposed to say, and they're ready to go. So if you want one, I would appreciate buying it. If not, I get it. I get it. So anyways, anyways, what else did I want to talk about? I'm going through here. Oh, thank you to everybody that sent me and all the information about the Ford galaxies. I should have mentioned that I wanted a two door and I believe I said 65 or 66. A lot of people sent me shit from 63, 64, 68. That was still cool. 67 because I got to learn how the car has changed. But two of them were really what I wanted and I called both and they were already gone. So

I think once a month, I'll put the word out to you guys and I'll keep looking for it. But you know, I don't know, didn't work out this week. What are you going to do? I already got my truck, my truck's going, but it's not starting well. I figured out what the antifreeze thing was. I had it parked on this really steep hill and just because it's fucking old, it doesn't have any stop. I don't know, something to block the fuck antifreeze just started dribbling out overnight. So it wasn't even that much. But there's been no antifreeze, not even anything that's dripped out since then. And if you saw the amount that was there in the morning, you would think I had a major problem. And nothing has happened ever since then. And yes, thank you to everybody out there who told

me to check the radiator to make sure you had enough antifreeze. I did do that, but I appreciate you letting me know. Anyways, and so everything's all good with that. And I fucking love driving that truck. So, so there you go. So, so here we go. Let's see, what am I going to talk about here? Jesus, the whole fucking podcast just fell apart. That's why I don't do those announcements in the middle of it. It kills my whole my whole fucking whatever. Oh, I didn't mention you don't want to eat dinner. I basically, I don't know, I eat steak or a chicken. I try to stay away from fish unless it's like salmon. And I only eat salmon because we can we grow it ourselves in a fucking petri dish. And even though it might cause cancer someday, I don't think I'm more important than

all the fish in the fucking ocean. So I'm going to roll the dice that that genetically altered fucked up salmon that I'm eating is not as bad as it probably is. But you know, I was watching Shark Week this week on the Discovery Channel. And those guys, I got to give it up to the Discovery Channel. They have come a long way on way they on the way that they depict sharks, but they still always have like that jaws fucking vibe to it. And I really it's fucking reprehensible that they do it. But at the end of the day, you know what, they're not scientists, they're a fucking network, and they don't give a fuck about nature. You know what I mean? They always got to do that shit. Like, like the shark has some personal vendetta. Like in all those

Jaws movies, like after like, after they fought off the shark, they start driving away, you know, in the boat or whatever you do sailing away or whatever, there's no sale. I guess you drive away. Right? Whatever the fuck they're doing. And then the shark follows them. Like the shark's like, Oh, these you motherfuckers think this shit is over the shit. I don't even just begin it, right? Like it wants to kill these fucking people. But then again, it's just a movie, you would think that the Discovery Channel wouldn't have that. They had this fucking one, right? You know, when I always watch the first three quarters, because once they start going to the end, they start showing what we're doing and how many sharks were killing and how bad we're

fucking up the ocean. Like I saw something on the Discovery Channel where this scientist was going to at this fish market in somewhere in like Southeast Asia. And he just because once you just mentally get past all the amount, sheer amount of dead fish there that are being consumed every fucking day, what he he's looking, what he's looking at is the different species. And what he's finding is he's seeing species of fish that you never saw in a fish market anymore. And that's because they used to drag the nets, you know, up at the surface. And now because that's basically been fished out, we are now like, I don't know how many feet down. It was some level of whatever the fuck it was, how many 600 feet, 500 feet, I don't know what the fuck we were, but it sent

chills down my spine. Like what the fuck are we doing? And why isn't anybody talking about it in political office, right? So they were dragging up species of fish that you just never see at a fish market just for the simple fact they never dragged the nets down that low. And there's a couple of fucked up looking sharks and like, you know, those fish that you know, you start getting so fucking low, you know, they're having eyes, isn't that important to find some really fucked up looking stuff like you like, is that from this planet? I've never seen one of those before. So I'm trying to lay off sushi and I'm trying to lay off all that stuff. So I've dropped that down and I think a lot of my friends are telling me that they bison and that type of shit, anything that

we I'm going to just try to eat shit that we like pigs, cows, chickens, even though I know they're not fucking healthy. But I mean, at least we're reproducing that shit. And considering we're the ones that are fucking it up anyways, shouldn't I be the one that eats it? You know, shouldn't I die rather than a bunch of fucking fish? I don't know. I'm watching that shit and going on that bus tour I took through California, right? Fucking hilarious. Me and Joe Barton are going to giant bus just tearing up the fucking atmosphere. Such a hypocrite, you know, but I'm cutting down on the fish, dude. Just seeing how low the water is out here. It's, it's a fucking, you know, it's getting there, dude. It's slow, not even slowly, it's fucking getting crazy out there.

So I don't know, the one exciting thing I heard about the weather out here is they might have an El Niño. So it would actually give us some rain, not nearly enough as we need, but at least some fucking rain. So I'm really hoping for that. I'm hoping that's going to happen for the next four fucking years in a row. Because I don't know, going over the the Hoover and seeing how low the fucking water was was pretty scary. Why do you need to hear about this? You don't need to fucking hear about it, right? All right, bombing you out the beginning. Gee, Bill, really is the fucking world going to hell in a hand basket? We get it. So anyways, I watched a little bit of the Yankees Red Sox today, because I missed the men's final and there was fucking nothing else on.

And I got to be honest, dude, you know, I don't think other than Petroia Ortiz and Xander Bogarts, I don't know anybody on our fucking team, except that guy from the outfield, Shane Victorino. I guess I know four guys. You know, I didn't know any Yankees and it was really weird to see it look like Alfonso Soriano, which short. I don't know, they kind of looked like the Yankees look like the like the Dave Rigetti Yankees to me. And I don't know, the Red Sox looked like the fucking 88 Red Sox to me. It's really sort of a weird time. But I watched a couple innings. You know, we were down to nothing. We went up three to two. I made an effort. I made an effort. So next week, I fly up to the Montreal Comedy Festival. I'm doing a Blues

Festival in Ottawa. If you want to get tickets, just go to billbird.com. And then I'm doing two shows in Montreal. Oh, the silly sock wearing Frenchies. Yeah, I'm going up there. I'm going to have a good fucking time. And as they trash my Bruins for not making the playoffs, all I got to say is, and how did you guys do? Oh, we made the playoffs. Oh, did you? Did you win the cup? Yeah, that's what I thought. 22 years and counting of the fucking, this is the longest drought in Montreal, Canadian history. And I am enjoying every fucking day of it, every fucking day of it. And you know, who's getting the Bruins? I don't know what we're going to do next year. I have no fucking idea how you replace Lucic. What do you do? You sign some fucking goon from Philly that that's supposed

to fill the void. I don't know. I'm still fucking shell shocked what the Bruins did. We fucking do that shit every, every fucking time somebody, well, you know, they want a 90 year contract, you know, a bunch of money. At some point, you got to pay somebody. You got to get out of, fuck, do you get rid of Lucic? Everybody had a bad year. He under fucking produced. Maybe you guys didn't put the right team on the fucking ice. What's he supposed he's supposed to do all of it? All right, all right, all right, what am I doing yelling at my own fucking team here? Anyways, so yes, I'm doing two shows up in Montreal, Wednesday and Thursday of next week. So that would be 15 and set the 22nd and the 23rd. I'm doing shows at a theater up there.

I think if they're not sold out, they're close to being sold out. But if you'd like to watch me play drums when I'm up there, Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, the seven o'clock show, the goddamn comedy jam, I am going to be up there playing a song each night, having a great time telling stories about my failed drumming career and all the all the awful fucking I wasn't even ever even in a band. I never even got my drums out of my basement. My people used to just come over and we would play and you know, I was always the worst fucking guy. So I got plenty of funny stories to tell about that shit. So anyways, let's let's get to some of the fucking questions here for the week. Oh, you know what? I haven't done the fucking advertising for this week.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Where are we? Come on, bill for fuck's sakes. Can you for once in your life learn how our computer works? All right, DraftKings, everybody. DraftKings. How long before these guys are on real sports? Are you worried that you're ruining people's lives? DraftKings, everybody. Baseball is in full swing. And you can be part of the action all season long at draftkings.com. The official daily fantasy partner of major league baseball. How what the fuck? How the fuck are you guys partners with them? Jesus Christ. Yeah, none of the players gambler gamble, but let's turn the whole fucking crowd to a bunch of degenerate gamblers. People, please be careful with this site. Only gamble what you can afford to lose. Don't buy into their dumb commercials. We'll put

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the fuck that is. Last year, he won a million dollars in one day simply playing fantasy baseball at draftkings.com. Hundreds of thousands of fantasy sports fans just like you have already cashed in at draftkings. Are they up lifetime? Who knows? Now's your turn. Call to action. New, new contests start daily. So hurry to draftkings.com right now and use the promo code defense to play for free in the today's $10,000 fantasy baseball contest draftkings.com official partner of major league baseball. Wow. Enter defense for free entry now draftkings.com draftkings.com that's draftkings.com. I actually like these guys. If you don't fucking get in over your head, I like how you get to put a team together and you get to play commissioner. Maybe we'll have

you bitching less about your team like I was about the Bruins, but please, please be careful with that thing. All right. Don't start doubling down and doing all the dumb shit that you fucking do. I'm telling you right now that has that has Bryant Gumbel written all over it where he then, you know, then major league baseball had no comment on it. And then somehow he ties it in with Pete Rose. Where do you draw the line? All right, let's get out. Let's get off my soapbox here. Okay. Oh, me on these me on these no more sweaty balls, but do do do me on these me on these pulling down in a bathroom stall and take a shit and take a piss fucking yank them up. You won't miss your balls will be copped in that soft fucking shit. That's way softer than content. Oh yeah.

Guys, I can't keep singing this song. I am out of things that rhyme with sweaty balls, balls, falls, stalls, malls. Me on these me on these no more prank calls, but do do do me on these me on these stick your phone in the sticky dick in the phone. You know that feeling of putting on old saggy underwear. You need to know the feeling of great fitting underwear that is two times softer than cotton. You need to know about me on these me on these no more sweaty balls. We really mean it. Me on these has the most comfortable underwear you'll ever try on. And it's insane how good they make your balls feel. Maybe I should pick a different song. Fucking me on these wearing on my balls yanking them up and they are so dry.

They even got them for your sweaty clam. Put it right there like a maxi pad. Now it doesn't work. It doesn't work. Maybe a spin doctor song in honor of that guy with the chest tattoo. What was a spin doctor? Can you get back to the copy bill? Been a whole lot easier since my balls have been dry. Me on these. It's the most comfortable underwear you will ever try on. And it's insane how good they make you balls feel. They fit perfectly. They don't ride up on you. They don't give you it's not like you got some invisible bully behind you giving you a wedgie. No more turning around screaming cut it out in the middle of a meeting and there's nobody there and then you don't get a raise and they

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stamps.com print postage you need put it on your letter or package and just hand it to your mail carrier your mail person. And you're done. I use stamps.com to send out all my posters when I whore myself out at the end of my shows. Right now use my last name Burr for the special offer notice trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes the digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr that stamps.com enter Burr Jesus Christ. Thank God that's done Thank Christ that's done. So anyways, I want to thank everybody for just sending in all these Oh, wait a minute. These four galaxies. I got a couple here. America's dream cars. Oh, shit.

Dude, that's the one right there. Holy fuck. That's the one 65 Ford Galaxy 500 two door runs very well. That means it's a piece of shit. 289 v8 motor motor 47,000 miles liar automatic transition white with IV interior. Looks like it's blue to me. All chrome is with the car. Oh Jesus, this is getting bad original chrome rust free frame interior is original and needs to be restored. This is a North Carolina car in a solid everywhere. If you're looking for a good driving classic price 2500 bucks Jesus Christ, can you go wrong? Oh my God, that might be the one. Thank you forever. Whoever sent me that one. All right, garden. Oh, something got cut off here. It says Thursday podcast bill I'm obsessed with

and then it just says T I don't know what you're obsessed with. All right, garden, Billy Green thumb. I think someone used this before I don't think they did. I was listening to old podcast you were talking about making your makeshift garden out there in Los Los Angeles. Can we have an update? Yeah, the update is we are in a biblical level drought and you know, I'm not allowed to water my grass and that type of shit. So, you know, I just water what I have. I got a couple of tomato plants. I got a lemon and lime tree. You believe I got a lime tree and not an avocado tree. What a fucking jerk off. So I got to make sure I handle that. Oh, great. Why is it reloading? What is going on here?

I'm all for that though, growing your own food and that type of stuff. And, you know, during this time, I'm not joking, man, I'm really going to try to eat a lot less fish than as much as I joke about it. That is a serious fucking problem. And I'm going to try to, I'm actually going to try to learn to make a couple of vegan meals that actually taste good, because I'm always going to eat steak and that type of shit. But I'm just going to try to incorporate a couple of those things because it keeps you in shape, man. It does and it helps you lose fucking weight. So anyways, so that is the update. I wish I had a whole garden, but I don't. And I'm hoping eventually I can. I'm just hoping

the water comes back here someday. And if it doesn't, I am going to take a bath on this house. Alrighty, music. Hey, Bill, my wife has great taste in music, except for stuff that really sucks. He kind of went two ways there. Of Nia's music, what group or band or genre do you absolutely have? Do you have absolutely no ability to swallow? My wife has unbelievable taste in music, particularly shit that I wouldn't be exposed to, especially at my age, a 47 year old white guy. I'm not going to know what the latest, you know, even just hits are in the whole rap world. And you guys owe me a big, a big pat on the back there because I didn't use the expression hip hop. I didn't want you guys to hear that coming out of my fucking mouth. So

I stay up, but you know, she, she's always listening to some fucking, you know, I like to make money, get turned that shit. Got the white girl, market follow or twerking follow work that guy. She let shit, she listens to that. Why Clef Rocky, whatever the fuck his name is, hashtag Rocky, money bags, dollar sign Rocky, I can't remember what his fucking name is. She listens to little Wayne. Kanye, who I can't, I can't stand listening to that guy. He just tells me about how awesome he is and all the stuff he has. It's excruciatingly boring. But he isn't, he's not bored with himself at all. He is absolutely amazed with how amazing he is with, and God knows that's fun to listen to.

Oh yes, by all means, tell me, tell me in another verse, why you're so awesome. Anyways, you know something I'll tell you right now, the stuff that it's not her music, she has great, great taste in music. She's one of those people that you can just grab her fucking iPhone and put it on shuffle and just put it on at a party and nothing embarrassing comes on. Everybody's like, fuck, what song is that? What song is that? She's really up on all the good fucking music. So anyways, the thing that bothers me is the shit that she watches on TV. Oh, Jesus, Christ, does she watch some dumb shit, man? You know, and a lot of smart women watch that reality shit. Evidently, they like it and even though they're smart, it's like, you know, I guess

it's, it's like me watching sports. Hang on one second, the company's here, I gotta close the door. Hold on, hold on, hang on, hang on. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. So anyways, she watches all those those fucking real housewife shows. But what she did recently, and this was devastating. What does that sound? I thought she was talking to my wife yelling me. She put the TV on. This is my wife bought Kim Kardashian. I'm just shitting on this whole couple, you know, God bless him. He sells out the Staples Center and she goes shopping, whatever the fuck she does, right? God bless both of them continued success. She Kim Kardashian put out this book. Okay. And all the whole book is nothing but her selfies. She put out a book of selfies of herself,

not like a bunch of people taking selfies. That would have been bad enough, but it was, it's all pictures of her. And the cover of it is her just standing there with their arms extended out, you know, taking a picture with the pouty lips and her hair all wet. And I, you know, you know, that overly used expression like, you know, this marks the beginning of the end of civilization as we know it. I hate when people say that. All right, because nothing does, it's a gradual decline. All right, it's just another step. But that thing there, if ever I was going to say, like I got really got, I got depressed. When I look at it, it makes me, it gives me this awful feeling when I look at it, I can't describe it. It's just like

that I feel like there's a shift in just human behavior. I don't know what it is. But Cleo, relax, it's fine. You don't have to eat anybody. It's company. Sorry, fucking dogs had its goddamn ears up. So whenever I see it, the car, I always walk by and I always turn it over, because on the back, there's just writing of like, you know, I guess recommendations out of all the selfie books, I'll tell you this one really, I just can't imagine anybody has taken enough selfies that it could fill up a fucking book and that you would think that someone would want to buy it and then somebody does and then you're married to it. It's just, it's, it's and my wife admits she goes, I know, I know it's so bad. It's so bad, but I can't look away. I want

to like, but this just, I think that feeds into the, you know, wanting to be princesses and pretty and dressing up and getting ideas on how to fucking, you know, show off their tits in a new fucking way. I have no idea what it is. But I would say that that is, I'm actually getting depressed now. I don't know if you can hear my voice just talking about it. Like more trees were cut down. It's like, they're like a meeting like, okay, you guys like, which one of these is going to be the cover? We have to figure out what is worthy of the cover. Okay, which ones, what is the photo? Like they had to pick like, like pace it. Like, like which selfie goes on the cover, which is the first one that opens the book, which is the, you know, you want to start strong,

you know, the same way, like you tell, we had to tell a story with these photos. Like, there was fucking human beings sitting there thinking about that shit. And then they pitched the idea and somebody said yes, and then they made it and then my wife bought it and it's in my fucking house. And I swear to God, if, if, if it wouldn't do like major damage to my relationship, I would throw it in the fireplace. I, I, and she's had it on the coffee table. She had it underneath the TV and she had it downstairs on top of her dresser. And each time I fucking turned it over, like it was this bill that I didn't want to deal with it. And I would say it's that her music taste is

unfucking believable. And she truly is one of the greatest people I've ever met. That's why I fucking married her. But you know, we all got our stuff. You know what I mean? I sit there and I watch sports and I scream about it and I get mad. And I, I'm trying to be empathetic and saying that that's just as fucking stupid. But I don't think it is, I really don't that fucking self help book of selfies, not self help, whatever the fuck it is was I had to walk that one off. I had to really just be like, okay, yeah, we're married. And this is, this is, I know this isn't doesn't mean anything about her, but Jesus fucking Christ. It's more the influence of that. Like that's going to influence somebody the way, the way when I saw great comedians, I wanted to

be a comedian. There's like, I don't know, I guess whores need to be inspired to write. But there I want to be the next Kim Kardashian. I got to take start taking fucking self help self. Why do I keep saying self help selfies of myself? You know what, I'm glad you asked me that because I probably bummed all you guys out. You know, depressed you about all the fucking the goddamn fishing out the oceans. So it serves me right that you guys asked me a question that makes me feel bad. Anyways, getting married. Finance question. Hey, Billy Galaxy, my lady and I are getting married in two weeks. Good for you, man. If you love her, that's the greatest fucking move you're ever going to make.

I never thought I'd say this. I actually love being married. I like going out doing my spots. I like coming directly home. I like being in bed by 11. It's fucking great. Now that I'm not boozing, I'm getting up. I'm losing weight. I will tell you though. Oh my god. I'm only a weekend. I drive by billboards and I just see a frosty fucking mug of beer. I'm just like, dude, I want 50 of those. I want fucking 50 of those. I'm one of those guys. I'm never going to just not drink. There's no fucking way. I like it too much. I'm not addicted to it. I just fucking love it. I can't wait for these fucking 72 days to get over so I can fuck my liver up again. I fucking love it. And I am not ashamed to say it. You know, I'm not slapping around my wife.

I'm not screaming at children. I get shitfaced in my own fucking home where I go out and I'm a happy drunk. You know, I'm a happy fucking drunk, but it's really helping me to count down the days rather than to go up because to me to sit there and think I'm at day number seven and I'm trying to get to 72 is fucking brutal. But if I look at it the other way and say, hey, 65 more days for some reason, it's like when I'm on a treadmill, I'd rather count down from 60 minutes than start at one. I don't know why. That's how my brain works. What are you going to do for me? So anyway, what are you going to do for me? What do you want from me? I should have said,

all right, my lady and I are getting married in two weeks. All is great. Very excited, yada, fucking yada. We both have good jobs, each making about 125 grand a year in Chicago. You guys are crushing it. Pay down your credit cards, save up your fucking money and buy something that you can live in and kick the shit out of the principal. All right, have your money work for you. You earned it. It should work for you. My question is what advice do you have for us regarding how to share in the finances moving forward? Do we keep separate accounts, one joint account for bills, maybe have Nia weigh in on this? Yeah, I never did the joint account thing. If you're going to do the joint account thing, like you're really, um, you're really taking a risk there

because at any moment, especially in the Midwest, you know, your partner can get addicted to meth. Okay. And don't even fucking roll your eyes at me because I do road gigs and I know where the meth before and after fucking billboards are. You get out in the Midwest and, uh, you know, you drive through Iowa, you drive through Wyoming. I know maybe not in fucking, I don't know. I think that I'm a, I'm a fan of, um, separate accounts because, uh, I understand money and I don't blow it and I invest it as wisely as I possibly can, except for my drinking habits and, uh, my hobbies. But, uh, that would be up to you. It'd be up to my, uh, one of my, one of my relatives got married and, uh, he said that was really freaky at first and then it was cool. I don't think it's a big deal.

Like I trust my wife to combine accounts and all that type of shit. To be honest with you, we just haven't, you know what I mean? Um, but that's something that, uh, that you guys should probably talk about. But I would say if she's not bringing it up, I wouldn't bring it up either. And if she does bring it up, be like, yeah, hey, why don't we sit down and talk about that and just have a serious conversation going like, all right, this is a tremendous, tremendous responsibility for me. Always put it on yourself so the listener will actually listen. All right. Don't come at me. Hey, you fucking shit, dick. You know, I don't want you fucking spending my money. Don't look at it. Don't come at me now because

they'll shut down and get defensive. You got to come at him like this. Just be like, this is a huge responsibility. I want you to know this is a huge responsibility for me, which then she'll have to say, it's a huge responsibility for me too. Right. You'll get her to say that you'll have her on tape saying that and just say, listen, you know, as much as we're married and we're combining our accounts, I respect the money that you're bringing into the account. And I want you to know that I would never like go out and buy either something sizable or a bunch of knickknacks that ended up being sizable chunk out of the fucking account out of respect for how hard you work. Okay. And really sit down and talk about money. Talk about how you want to invest it.

Learn about money and all that type of shit. So you don't end up like one of these people who puts the money in there and you think everything's fucking fine. And then they're there. They got a credit card that they're fucking lighten up and then they attached your fucking, I don't know what it's one bank account and they go, well, you got the money in there. It's under your name. We want our 15 fucking grand and seven, eight of that grand is yours. And that goes flying out the window because she bought a bunch of blouses and shoes and this shit can happen. All right. And I'm speaking from the male perspective because I am a guy and that doesn't make me a sexist. Okay. And I've been thinking a lot about these fucking groups, by the way, how dumb it is to join a group

and why it's doomed for failure. A lot of times it's because once you join a group that has a cause, you basically go into this think tank where everybody basically shares the same point of view. So you don't have anybody keeping in check going like, well, you know, I don't know about that or hey, you know, you insulted them a little bit, a little bit, you insulted them. So it's like, it becomes like when two conspiracy theories meet each other. And, you know, conspiracy theorists need somebody to be sitting there going like, dude, do you really think, all right, dude, you know, I was with you till then, but if two conspiracy theorists meet each other, they just, dude, you know what else? Oh, you know what I heard? And they just fucking,

they just go right down the rabbit hole. And I think a lot of times why when I listen to like a lot of the feminist complaining, it strikes me as funny because so much of the shit that they're bitching about, I relate to. It's like, yeah, that's happened to me. That has also happened to me 20% of it. Yeah, I'll go with it. Yeah, that's fucked up. You know, but just know that even if you got on par with guys, you're still staring at an 80% fuck over. That's the best I can give you. Is that sexist? If it is, I don't give a fuck. So anyways, I can't get over that for galaxy, man, that is exactly what the fuck I'm looking for. Here's another great one. 2500 bucks. Now here's two door. Let's see what we got here. Oh, Jesus,

a bunch of parts laying around. This is my shit. Oh, that interior is a little bit rough. You know, that interior is too rough. God damn it. What's the engine looking like? Yeah, that's a hunk of shit. All right, hang on, hang on, hang on. Let me get a look at the last one. Jesus Christ. Andrew, you crushed it with these. All right, is it really interesting to have you guys looking at car, listening to me, looking at cars that you can't fucking see? There's another guy in 1998, a 68, sorry. A couple years off there. I don't know, kind of getting into that. I'm going to stick with the 65 though. 65 is badass. Here I go again. I'm doing this shit again. So anyways, that's the podcast for this week.

Once again, if you would like to donate to this podcast and 10% of the proceeds will go to the St. Jude Hospital is anytime you go on Amazon, just go to Amazon through my website, which is basically billbird.com and you click on the merch page and you click on the Amazon link. Doesn't cost you any extra money. And they just kick me a little bit of cash for driving traffic their way. Other than that, that is the podcast for this week. All right, everybody, you're going to lose three pounds a week with me over the next eight weeks. Huh? Get on the fucking scale today. Of course, it starts tomorrow. How about that Tuesday? All right, we'll start tomorrow because you didn't know what's happening, right? So it starts tomorrow. Go to the grocery store tonight.

You get your oatmeal, you get your bananas, your apple, your orange, whatever the fuck you want. You get your turkey slices or whatever fucking meat you want. You eat your fucking salads. One giant salad a day and then at night, just get that protein. You can go vegan every once in a while at night and then do you want to take a walk around the block? You have no idea what that would do. Hey, Nia. Hey, really quickly. Somebody wanted you to chime in on one of these fucking questions. This is so stupid. Why would I do? Oh, it does. Well, maybe maybe you can do it next week. Or I'm not going to ask you. Hey, Cleo, watch out. You're going to shut the fucking recorder off. All right.

All right. Hey, people asked me, they said, they asked, of Nia's music, what group or band or genre do you have absolutely no ability to swallow? And I said none. I said you had this, you have great taste in music that you, you're actually one of those few people that you can put your phone on shuffle at a party and you're not embarrassed. However, sit down. Stop trying to divide and conquer. There you go. Well, I love this going to work because the one thing that I, the one thing I can't stomach. What's that? The Kim Kardashian selfie book, like the cover of that book. Oh yeah. No, I got that book and I have no shame. I participate in all levels of pop culture. So if anybody has something to say, no, I'm saying it. Nobody else is saying you are

saying it. Can you do me a favor with that book? What? You can lay it out anytime you want. You always turn it over. Yes. Have the cover turned over because it depresses me. Why? I just, I can't even put it into fucking, like if you can understand. Why? Because I just feel like there's this now, this, this, I just hate her. I just can't stand her. No, I don't hate her. But like, why though? Why are people so bothered? Because it's like, because they're like constantly shoved down our throats. No, the complete narcissist. And the fact that I, you know, the six, that whole fucking famous for being famous. You don't really do anything. You came into, you fucking sucked a dick. You became famous. The family got behind it. Like, yeah, my daughter

sucks the best dick in fucking Calabasas. It wasn't quite like that. But okay. Okay, I'm sure they had an honorable way of parlaying that whatever, whatever. I'm trying not to be judgmental. Good for her. She sucked a dick. She got famous. Now she's got a selfie book and she's sitting there. Dude, it is just so like, so I when I went to get it, I was surprised that it was sold out at this very independent and a hip section of LA. It was sold out. They were like, oh, it's sold out as soon as we got it. This has nothing to do with other people. This has to do with me. Oh, it's about you. I'm sorry. Go on. You asked me why it depresses me. Those fucking people, when I watch somebody take a selfie, rather than just I look, I stand from the Hollywood sign,

you click on whatever. But when people hold it up over their head, and then they're turning their head trying to fucking look better looking than they are and sticking your lips out. The duck lips is bad. But why wouldn't you try to look as good as possible in a picture that you're taking of yourself? That's what's so great about this selfie, is that you can really see what angle looks best and what the lighting is. I think it makes a lot of sense. Logically, to me, it makes perfect sense to adjust yourself before you just take a picture. Just like that. No, I want to make sure that I'm looking right. That's the whole point. Why do you look confused? You know what, I am old enough to know that I am not going to convince you otherwise. So God bless you,

and in the selfies, just just do me if you can. Can we have a compromise? You just turn the book over. I will just keep it somewhere where it's not in your line of vision since you're so offended by it. How about not offended by it? It just it depresses me to look at it. Well, I don't want to depress you. I don't be condescending. Just go on. Just just get out of here. I'll keep it out of your sight. I'll keep it out of your sight. Okay. Are you writing that down right now? No, do you want to tell the caffeinated not the caffeinated story? I would. Can we save that for just checking it on you? Yes, because I got to go. Okay, get out of here because I got to wrap this up and our internet sucks here. This will take me four hours to fucking upload. All right,

that's the podcast for this week. On Thursday, I will tell you guys the story of the decaffeinated not decaffeinated. You know, I fucked up. I fucked up getting this tea with my wife and she's and she tried to say I wasn't listening and I actually was listening. But I thought decaffeinated not decaffeinated. I thought that that's what the two flavors were. But it's a long fucking story. All right. That was confusing. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves. And God bless all of you. Go take some selfies, you know, put out your fucking and you do the little peace sign to like whatever that's for, you know, like you're out, even though you're not in my life. I know I'm just a crabby old man. I'll go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you.

I'll check it on your dirty.