Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-1-16

Episode Date: August 1, 2016

Bill rambles about Dublin, jet lag and performing in a tent.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, August 1st. 2016, how the hell are you? How is it going? I'm in Dublin, Dublin, Ireland and I had my first couple of shows last night and I was working, believe it or not, I was working outside in a fucking tent. I don't have any of my podcast shit, by the way, if the sound is bad, I apologize. I just, the little mixer that I use every time I come over here, even though I use the adapters and all that, when I plug it in, it just blows up my fucking thing every time I've lost like two or three mixers doing that. And then I got smart. So now I just use this little portable fucking thing. But anyways, I have to fuck is my password. Come on, Bill, you can do it. Here we go. Here we go. Jesus, I just fucked it up. Oh, fuck you. I hate computers. I fucking these just don't make your fucking life easier. Do they, you know, it makes it easier. We just like, Oh, what kind of a fucking turtle is that, you know, that's where they're good. I can't, you know, I literally can't talk and do my password at the same time. Fuck it. Fuck. I got hit pause. All right, I'm back. I got it. Anyways, so I performed in a tent, an unair conditioned tent. I flew halfway around the fucking world to perform outside in a tent. So technically, I was back inside that was not air conditioned. It was fucking hot as hot as hell. And my first show was like at four o'clock in the afternoon.

One of the strangest gigs, it was still a great gig, but it was fucking bizarre. And I told him to close the door to the tent. It was sort of like a structure. You know, one of those ones that you just put up and then they take it down, you're like, Hey, what if, you know, like where the fuck that thing come from? And then where the fuck did that thing go? One of those, you know, Home Depot specials. So I told him to close the door because it was still broad daylight out, you know, and just comedy is like, you know, it's a fucking, it's a nighttime dirty sleazy thing. So I had him close the door and then like an asshole on bitch and go, Why the fuck is it so hot in here? They had to give me like this giant like beach towel to wipe my fucking bald head. Fuck. But I had a great time. And, you know, and I am not jet lagged at all. I want to thank this. I don't get anybody in trouble, but this person hooked me up with these little fucking things of Jameson, right, like these little bottles. And, you know, I was going to be a good boy, right? So I fucking landed in Ireland. Let me take you through the whole thing. I fucking get on the flight, right? Erlingis, right? Take over to the, the Emerald Isles, right? And I get there and blew all my money on a first class fucking ticket because I'm not, I'm not sitting in the back of the plane. I'm an old man. My back is fucked up. So I just said fucking, I'm going to throw like 10 gigs out the window on plane tickets. This is what I'm going to do. It gives a shit, right?

So I show up. It's one of those fucking folds all the way down into a bed seats. So I am psyched, right? Then there's fucking asshole. I mean, how can it can only go up from there, right? I guess I can go down. I'm just saying it's like a perfect situation. Oh, hang on. My fucking eggs are here. All right, I'm back. You know what? This is going to be breakfast with Billy. Oh, Billy breakfast face. So anyways, I get on this fucking plane and I'm laying in a goddamn bed and they got good fellas. Good fellas is one of the movies that I can watch. I'm like, this is this is fucking perfect. Nothing can ruin this. And then this fucking cunt in front of me. He's listening to his bow's headset. So he's basically shut out the entire fucking world and he's listening to music and he's humming along with it like in a tone deaf way. So like he'd go like, and when like the music would go up like higher notes, he wouldn't hum higher. He'd just get louder. It was just sort of I'm sitting there going. How the fuck do I tell this guy politely to stop fucking humming? I literally had I put earplugs in. I could still hear the guy and I'm like, what a fuck didn't I bought by the bow's headset to shut this fucking guy out? So fortunately, they started up the jet engines and I swear to God, I could still fucking hear this guy. And then I just I put on the movie and then I was fine. So anyways, so I start to watch good fellas. You know, my flight was like eight o'clock at night. I start watching it. And I end up, you know, I hit pause because I'm going to go to sleep. I just fucking fall asleep. Right. And then I wake up with like we have like it's like a 10 hour flight. I sleep for like eight hours. I had already been on the plane for like an hour and a half.

30 minutes left. I watched a little more good fellas and then we landed. So now it's like two o'clock in the afternoon. I'm fucking wide awake. I'm wide awake. And all I'm thinking is just like, I hate this. Now I'm going to be jet lagged. I'm going to be up all night. And I didn't have a show here in Dublin. So what I did was somebody hooked me up. And I want to say thank you to the person. They gave me these little Jameson bottles, right? The 12 year fucking things. And I wasn't going to drink or anything like that. But it got to be like 11 o'clock at night. And I'm like, I am fucking wide awake. This is going to suck. I got to get on fucking Ireland time. And I just came up with this idea is like, I know, well, you know, if I drink in the afternoon, I pass out and go to sleep. So why don't I just start drinking? So I'm alone in my hotel room. And I just fucking pound these four bottles, little bottles of the Jameson, right? Now I'm nice and buzzed. I start reading a book. And right before I start getting sleepy, I opened the curtains. You know, so the light would come in and spill in at like seven in the morning. So I ended up falling asleep, like around two, three o'clock in the morning. And then I was up at seven a.m. I was, you know, hung over or whatever. That part sucked. But it only took me a day. Now I'm totally fucking acclimated. Last night, by the time I was done with my second show, I was like totally fucking sleepy. I was ready to pass out. But I ran into Joe de Rosa and he's a drunk like me. So we ended up going out. I'll tell you the story in a second. I got to get these fucking eggs. Hang on. All right, I'm back. Sorry about that. I need the fucking eggs. You know, one thing I don't like about leaving the United States of America is the United States of America, the greatest country on the planet. As far as I'm concerned, I just like saying that because people around the world get annoyed and like part of them, they know it's true. You know it's true. You know what I mean? It only got going a couple hundred years ago, but we caught up to all of you when we went right past you and all you guys here with your history and your fucking castles and your great walls, you know, none of that can compare to our strip malls.

You know it's true. I know it's true. I fucking hate bacon around the world. The best bacon in the world is in the United States of America. That is bacon. This Canadian bacon, these slabs of fucking ham. It's not bacon. It's not bacon. Or is this another one of those football fucking soccer arguments? Maybe we're wrong. Maybe we should not call it fucking bacon. I don't know what it is, but whatever we have in the United States is fucking delicious. And for whatever reason, it's not served anywhere else in the world. I don't know what you guys call it. Is there something else? Whatever the American style bacon is, do you call it something else in these fucking God forsaken countries? Ah, geez, I got the hiccups. I ate too fast. You can't do a podcast while eating fucking eggs. All right, now, hang on a second. I got to go scare myself. Hang on. It's not like Foster Brooks. Yeah, so if anybody, anybody out there can tell me this podcast is going to be so fucked up because I keep time traveling. I just keep hitting pause and then going into the future. If anybody can tell me, yeah, what what you call, can I get that bacon over here and stop getting these slabs of fucking ham? I don't know. It's the little things. It's the little things that you miss when you travel. So anyways, that's, that's my new way where I'm going to beat jet lag.

That's how you do it. You know, instead of sitting there trying to fall asleep, you just get shitfaced and you pass out. But before you get shitfaced, you open the curtains so then the sun will wake you up and it sucks. The first night you're just going to feel like, you know, I mean, I just felt like how I always do. I woke up hungover and didn't get enough sleep. And then I was just, I was fucking on it, you know. And so I woke up and it was Sunday morning in Dublin and I decided I was going to walk around and which is funny because my cell phone, you know, the whole, you know, Google map thing isn't working over here. So it's, I just like when I was in before I left, I just, you know, I was on the hotel Wi-Fi. So I just, my Google map thing was working and I just took a screenshot of where I was in case I got lost and I could just jump in a cab or some shit. So anyways, I fucking just start walking around and like nothing is open. I forgot it was Sunday. I'm like, what the fuck? What's going on? These people fucking all at home? Eating breakfast? None of these places are open?

And I was just walking and walking. I didn't realize, you know, it was like fucking 9am or some shit like that and on a Sunday. And I already gone downstairs. I'd already taken a steam, they got steam and a fucking pool and I was totally on fucking Dublin time. And I just walked all around Dublin. I was like on the other side down, you know, with that fucking horrific temple bar is, whatever the fuck they call it, it's a temple bar. Because of the tea. That's every fucking jerk off American goes, oh, you go to Dublin, you got to go down there. And I went there the first time I came here and I go down there and I'm like talking to some guy from Cincinnati. I'm like, I can fucking do this in the United States. I don't want to be here. Everything's fucking overpriced. So I walked on the other side of the river and I walked all the way up to their park. It was called Phoenix, the Phoenix Park. I walked for like three and a half hours. Just checking out this beautiful city and their park is fucking amazing.

And I got about halfway into it and then I realized they had a zoo and I hate, I fucking hate zoos. I'm one of those people. I don't like zoos. I don't like SeaWorld. It's like, will you let these things go? You know what I mean? Just let them go. The fact that a fucking goddamn whale has like a matinee show, like the fact that like, how does a killer whale like end up in show business? You know what I mean? And then they go and they kill their fucking trainers and it's just like, yeah, it doesn't want to be there. They're like, well, you know, we didn't see any erratic behavior and blah, blah. You didn't see any erratic behavior. You're making the thing jump in the air and do somersaults and lay on its side and wave to people. It doesn't even know what it's doing. How do you get a fucking whale to do that other than starving it? Or how do you beat the shit out of a whale? I don't know what you do. What do you electrocute them in the water? Drop a fucking radio in there every time he doesn't go through the hoop?

You know, how many fucking trainers have to get attacked and killed before we understand that these fucking people don't want to do it? You know? Has a dancing clown like me ever attacked or murdered his fucking agent? No, because it was their own fucking choice to get into show business, to make a fucking killer whale and a dolphin and there was those little fucking sea lion things. And the people, oh look, he's waving at us. No, he isn't. They don't understand the concept of waving. They're doing the motion of waving. They're doing that, but that's so they'll still get food and not get the shit kicked out of them. Especially like lions and tigers, like how the fuck you get those giant, how dumb are those cats? You know what I mean? That they just, every fucking night they should just, they should have to get a new trainer every night. Like that should be the show. Like the trainer goes, hey, get up on the box and he just gets mauled.

And then that's it. And then they just drag him out and bring another guy in. Those little fancy fucking satin clothes, lion tamer, going in there with your whip and your chair. I never realized how fucking stupid that is. I'm a lion tamer. I'm going to make that lion tame, like fucking how insecure are you? Human beings are the fucking worst. What does it bother you that it's a wild animal? What makes an animal wild? What really makes an animal wild? The fact that it doesn't give a shit that you have socks and shoes on, you know? Is that what makes it wild? That, you know, when you say, hey, get over there and sit out, it's like, hey, go fuck yourself. You know, the fuck out of here. I'll rip your face off. Like to me, that's not a wild animal. That's, that's an animal that has respect for itself. Fuck out of here. Tell me what it said. Who the fuck are you? I'm faster than you. I'm stronger than you.

I'll fucking kill you. I won't even eat you. I'll just fucking end your life. How about I do that? How about that? How about you go over there and set the fuck down? You know, I, I love wild animals. I just realized that you got to respect them. Ah, man, I was watching an awful fucking video the other night, man. Just watching snakes eating other snakes. Anything worse than that? Fucking serpents all wound up around each other. I fucking hate snakes. I remember watching the Indiana Jones when I was a kid and I remember when he fucking hated snakes. I was just like, I like this guy. I relate to this guy, you know, he's flying around in planes. He's trying to bang this broad and he doesn't like snakes. He's got a nice leather jacket, pulls off a hat, you know, what's not to like? So anyways, I'm watching this fucking video. I don't get how like, you know, one of the snakes is poisonous and he's biting the other one in the back and the thing's just fucking taking it.

It's like, what? Your poison doesn't work on that thing? Are you so fucking nervous? Like nothing's coming out? That's got to be the worst. That's got to be the worst thing ever. One of the snakes is eating the other snake, right? And he's fucking sucking him down. And like this snake that's getting eaten, the part of his body that's not in the other snake is still moving. He's just going down the tunnel. I know they're reptiles and they can't think, but in somewhere and even in its reptilian head, it's got to be in that like, like freaking the fuck out. Eating alive has got to be the worst, you know what I mean? It's like, I don't mean just like, just biting into you, at least you'd bleed out. But if something just swallows your whole like that, he's just going down this fucking thing. At what point do you run out of air? Why isn't this snake that's going into the other snake? That's when he should start biting him, fucking eat him from the fucking inside out. Some reason that doesn't happen, you know? That's another problem in this election year. Someone needs to answer that question for me.

Hey, you know what I'm really getting fucking tired of is the funniest fucking thing ever to me and I'm not going to name any names. I love when celebrities tell me who to vote for. That's the stupidest fucking thing ever. You know, I don't know if I should vote for Trump or for Hillary. I can't make up my mind. Oh, wait a minute. It's the guy from the dog whisperer. Maybe he should tell me, oh yeah, who should I elect for leader of the free world? I'll tell you what is fucking hilarious to me. It's not really hilarious, but I actually, I think I was, I just met somebody when I was down in the, I took a steam, right? And I went into the pool and I was shooting the shit with this guy and I'm telling you, I think Trump could win. I never thought, I was just sitting there going, this is going to be a fucking landslide. No one's going to vote for this fucking dope, right? And I run into this guy just going, and he's just sitting there going, hey, I can't fucking, he's going, I can't vote for Hillary.

She's a fucking criminal. I'm going, yeah, but this other guy, this guy's a dope because I agree with you that Hillary's a fucking idiot. No, I mean, a criminal, this guy's like a fucking dope and he's going, yeah, you know, but I think he just needs to shut up and I think he can get stuff done. And this is, this is the thing, the human being in me, all right? The fucking, I don't want to see Trump win, okay? But I got to tell you something, just living in Hollywood, how fucking terrified they are that he's going to win. It's worth it. I just want to watch everybody just fucking freaking out. It's going to be the, like, for personal selfish reasons, if Trump gets elected, like, there's no place in the world you're going to want to be the next day, right in Hollywood, in LA. And just listen to them fucking losing their mind. They literally think that that guy is going to take the entire country down. Like it's possible for either Hillary or Trump to do it. You can't do it. Fortunately, the way our whole thing set up, like, you know, if you get a couple of things done, I guess as president, it's a great thing.

But if he had to bet right now, like this would be such a, like if this was a Super Bowl, this is the hardest fucking, how do you handicap this one? They're so fucking polarizing, right? You got Hillary Clinton, right? Like, I really feel like people in this country are, like, maybe like, I don't know, Clintons and Bushes. I'm just sick of them. I'm fucking sick of them, right? But I think there's enough people that fucking hate Hillary because they hate Bill Clinton. And then you got to also sexist people who just won't vote for a woman. And then you got women who will vote for her just because she's a woman. So maybe they'll cancel each other out. And then you got Trump who, you know, I want to say is a fucking dope, but I mean, the guy is a fucking billionaire, right? Is he though? I don't know if he is. He says he is. I have no fucking idea. Granted, he did inherit the money, but he also didn't fuck it up. But he did go bankrupt. I can't figure this fucking guy out. I just can't believe these are my two choices. I can't fucking believe it. This is all time fucking worst, worst fucking election ever. How the fuck did we end up with these two fucking people?

You know what? Maybe I will listen to the dog whisperer guy. Maybe they can help me out. I don't know what to do. I don't have no fucking eye what to do. There's no fucking way I'm voting for Trump, but I'm not voting for somebody with 15 felony counts either. Ah, Jesus Christ. You know what's hilarious over here is fucking people like, ah, people are freaking out about Trump over here. They're like, dude, you can't fucking elect that. You cannot have that guy be the leader of the free world. And I'm like, and then what? We're supposed to have the convicted felon? I don't know. It's a fucking shit show, people. So anyways, I don't know what the fuck they want. You know what's fucking hilarious about me talking about all of this shit? I have not watched one fucking. I watched the first Republican debate back when Trump was funny. When you just like, isn't this hilarious that this guy's running for president? This is funny. It's like if your fucking buddy is like, I'll run for mayor. And all of a sudden you see him on TV and you just laugh and watching him sounding like a fucking idiot, you know, and then it's over.

Then you go back to the real world. That's when I watched and then he kept winning and it just stopped being funny to me. So I stopped watching and I cannot listen to Hillary's fucking voice. Oh my God. Oh my God. Like, oh, it's, it's, it's, it's, I don't know. I have no fucking idea. You know what's funny is they give a shit more over here about the election than we do. You know, do you know, like when those fucking banker cunts, those banker cunts fucking in America, when they totally cook the fucking economy, like that, because everybody's like all tied in with each other, like that really affected the economy over here in Ireland. I had no fucking idea. I had no idea that that happened. And like people over here got so despondent that the suicide rate went up and everything like that. And it just kills me because, you know, those bankers don't give a fuck. They still sleep at night, sleep soundly. I'm telling you, that is, that is the candidate that I'm waiting for.

Not the one that is going to say, hey, you know, we need to fucking, we need all kinds of reform and regulations and banking. I don't want to hear that guy. Well, we're beyond that. I want, I want the guy that's going to be like, look, we need to kill a bunch of bankers. Fucking start all over again. That's, that's my guy. Right. I don't know what I'm talking about. Let me do a couple of live reads here. All right. I hope the sound is okay here. 23 five minutes in. All right. Frame bridge. All right. You got empty walls and you got something special you want to frame, but you never do it because it takes too long and it costs too much money. It's a fucking pain in the ass. I hate doing that shit. How much shit do you got laying around going, oh, I'm going to get this frame. One of these days I'm going to get a frame and you leave it there and then somebody steps on it. Your dog takes a piss on it and then you just end up throwing it out. You know, and you wanted to get it framed. Look it. Anyway, so let me, let me get back to the copy. Remember what cameras weren't part of your phone?

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All right, just like that. Just like that. I'm back. More time travel here. I'm not going to fucking, I'm not hanging out with DeRozzi. I'm trying to catch up with him tonight. I'm going up to Belfast. I've never been there. And you know, when I was growing up, like, oh, you heard all the fucking crazy shit that was going on up there. So my idea of Belfast is still a place that you want to be on your best behavior, I would think. In general, when you travel, you're representing a country, you want to be on your best behavior. But when I was growing up, all the violence and all the craziness and all that shit that I used to always hear about up in Belfast and everything. And I don't know, they were talking about Brexit or whatever the fuck they're talking about. The UK leaving the European Union for whatever reason, then that might become a hard border again.

And that could like raise tension and all that shit. It's just like fucking human beings, man. We just cannot get along. I want to go in there. I want to have a great show. And then I'm coming back down here to Dublin tonight. And then I got Galway. The next day, everybody's telling me that's the most beautiful fucking city, one of the most beautiful cities in the world. And then I'm off to England. Oh, this fucking cunt, man. When I landed, they gave me these work papers. So when you land, you know, show this to customs, do not say you're just over there to be a tourist, right? Just fucking give them the work papers. So I said, fine, right? And I land and I fucking Ireland, I give it to the guy and the guy goes, what's this? And I said, oh, they told me to show you my work papers. I'm working over here. I'm doing some stand up shows.

And the guy goes, this says UK. Ireland's not part of the UK. And I just want to be like, I know that you're fucking cunt. My person told me to show it to you. But you can't say that because then they'll send you back to the United States. I'd be like, oh, okay, I didn't realize that. I didn't, I didn't know what the fucking UK was. It's fucking Christ. What is the UK? It's the fight. It's Northern Ireland. It's England, Wales and fucking Scotland, right? Isn't that what the fucking is? I got to look it up now. Here I am calling this guy cunt. I actually, I might get this wrong. United Kingdom. It's kind of a big fucking word for fucks a small area of the, you know, I think it used to be. They needed to adjust that, you know, like the way Jefferson Airplane did.

Then they became Jefferson Starship because it was more into the future, right? All right, hang on a second. They need to dial this down. United Kingdom, when you had all this shit around the world, then it should have been United, you know, I don't know what the fuck you'd call it. Maybe that's why they didn't. That's really not a way to come back down. Sorry, I'm trying to fucking read this shit. What is it? Population? Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Okay, Northern Ireland. Okay, great. Okay, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, commonly known as the United Kingdom. How come they don't fucking talk about Scotland like it's its own deal? I don't get it. I always thought like they were subjects of fucking like Britain went up and took them over, but they still were kind of their own deal. Isn't Scotland Scotland and then fucking England's England? They're different people. They're different nationalities. They don't fucking like each other, right? They're not English. They're Scottish. Why do they just get all swallowed up by this shit? I don't understand it.

They don't even bring them up. They talk about Northern Ireland. They don't even mention Scottish people. You know what? This guy was right to yell at me. You know what? I take that back. That guy was not a cunt. He was a good cunt. He was a top cunt. He fucking hit the nail in the head. That's exactly what he did. So anyway, so I walked all around Dublin. I'm sorry about this podcast. It means it's all over the place. Who the fuck's kidding? So I walked all around Dublin and saw all this, you know, all this shit, right? And then when I get back, you know, the Formula One race comes on at one o'clock in the afternoon out here as opposed to 4.30 in the fucking morning. You know, I got to record it and then try not to go online and see anything, you know? And so now I come back and now I'm starting, the jet lag's getting to me. I'm starting to feel sleepy and everything.

And I fucking, I took an hour nap. I did take an hour nap before my shows. So I was listening to the, I watched some of the Formula One and then I fell asleep and anytime anybody went to pass anybody, the guy would start screaming and then I would wake up. So I did see most of the exciting parts of the fucking race. Fucking Niko. Jesus Christ. He fucking, he keeps getting the pole position and he fucks it up in the first turn. And there's nothing too. I don't get like, it just seems like Formula One racing, as far as what I've watched, the race is just to the first turn. Whoever comes out in front in that turn wins the fucking race, it seems. Or at least if Lewis Hamilton gets to the fucking first turn, he comes out of there in first place, it's over. He just cruises for the entire fucking, the entire race.

Fucking Niko. Jesus Christ. What the fuck was he doing? Spinning the tires and all this shit and everybody just fucking went right around him. And he's got to spend, he's got to spend the whole fucking race just trying to get back into second place. And he did what he always does. He goes fucking into a corner, tries to pass on the inside and he just forces the guy to the outside, then he gets a fucking penalty. But somebody did it to him a few fucking races ago. There's something about this kid, they don't like him. They don't like him. They fucked him over. So he wasn't even on the podium. So now Lewis Hamilton's like a head by like 40 points. I don't know, still look, it's a great fucking. I was actually thinking, you know, because Germany's only a couple hours away that what I should have, nah, I had an afternoon show, I still couldn't have done it.

I was thinking like I should have just flown directly to Germany, gone to that thing, right? Then jumped on a plane, come back here and done my shit. What am I, James Bond? I couldn't pull that off. You need your own fucking plane to do that. Like all those people in the stands, Formula One, those people are filthy fucking rich. It's actually not true. I actually looked up at the ticket. You can get a ticket for like 55 bucks. You get your face pressed up against the screen and if anybody crashes, you're going to die, but you're going to be there. You're going to be there for 55 bucks. You can make it happen. All right, I'm sorry. Let's get to some of the questions here for the week. Oh, by the way, I walked through the creepiest goddamn park.

The fuck am I, Marion Park or some shit? You know, it's beautiful when there's people there, but I got up at seven in the morning. There was like nobody there and I don't know what it was. It just had like, it just, it the fucking park creeped me out and some weirdo guy sitting there. And then they had this really weird statue of this guy, this self-satisfied cunt just sitting on a fucking rock. You know, I took a picture of it. Hang on a second. Why the fuck would I shut my phone off? Oh, I didn't. I just took a screenshot. All right, hang on a second. What is this guy's name? What is his name? Oh, Ireland's yet another fucking place, you know, where I can buy a Cuban cigar, but there's no place to smoke the fucking thing.

Well, you can walk down the street, walk down the street. I'm not a fucking animal. I'm smoking a cigar. I'm like those fucking cigarette smokers, you know, standing next to a dumpster. They're animals. Cigarette smokers are fucking animals. They really are. All right. Yeah, it was Murray and Square Park. Right. And then I took a picture of, they have the blue tit and the green tit bird. I swear to God. They had this whole fucking thing on all the different birds. They tried to claim that there was a fox in there and all this shit. You know, and you show up in this, you don't see anything. You see that black and white bird. That's all you see. Oh, there he is. I'm going to post this picture. This guy is got a, I don't know if the person didn't like this guy.

Is it Oliver Wilde? I have no idea who he is. He's yet another one of these fucking clever Irish cunt fucking writers, you know what I mean? They're like, you know, these fucking over dramatic quotes. I was reading one with a guy said something if he could go back and be young again. You know, he wouldn't do it because he's so fucking cynical or I can't remember what the fuck it was like. Oh, shut the fuck up. Fucking miserable cunt. Jesus Christ. Just staring into the misery. Can you show me some light? I don't understand it. Oh my God, you guys got to see this picture. I'm definitely fucking posting this thing. That guy is the epitome of a cozy smug cunt as they say over here. He looks like he's, I don't even know what he looks like. He just looks like, you ever watch like a movie and there's just the evil guy when he's on trial. He just has this look on his face like he's going to get away with it. That's what he looks like. Like his dad's going to buy him out of his.

He's got this crooked fucking smile, his dumb ass fucking loafers. All right, let's get to the questions here for the week. All right. Oh Jesus, he's a big question. Will I ever get laid? All right, dear Bill, I'm currently in an emotional quandary. I'm 19 and I've never been laid. That's not bad. He said, I was homeschooled my entire life by strict religious parents. All right, that's bad. Who shielded me from girls. My sister who's 21 years old was my only window to the female world. She would always have female friends around and many of them hit on me. I even made out slash felt up one of them. So you're in the game. He scored a couple of buckets. You're on the scorecard. He said, which was my only sexual experience ever.

So although sheltered, my outlook is bright, right? And he says wrong three years ago. I mysteriously developed severe social anxiety to the point I can barely go to public places around this time. My parents kicked my sister out of the house because she left Christianity. Oh yeah, that's inevitable. So she moved in with a friend. So now not only am I paralyzed with anxiety, but now the well has dried up since she left. And I have no female circulating around in my life. This is how my life has been since 2013. And I don't know how many more years of it I can take. I'm not at the point. I'm not at the point where I think you meant to say I'm now at the point, right? Where what do I do? I would I would deal with your social anxiety first. I mean, your parents allow you to go outside, right? So what I would do is you just, you know, just give yourself some small goals, you know, just go out, go to the store, go buy something and come home.

That's it. Do that. You just gradually increase. It's like flying. When you get your pilot's license, what you do is you just keep gradually increasing the area that you're familiar with and comfortable flying it. You know, you don't just get your pilot's license and just fucking just start flying all over the fucking place. You're nervous. You're scared, right? So you just gradually keep increasing the your area. So that's what I would do. And then once you get comfortable with the area, then then you add more shit to it. There's a woman behind the counter, say hello to her or some shit little things and dude, you're going to be fine. The fact that you're living under those severe conditions and you still made out with the chick and felt her up and me, dude, you're crushing it. You're being way too hard on yourself. You're only 19. You got your whole life ahead of you, you know, telling you, you're in a great position. Just, you know, just work on it a little bit. You'll be fine. You'll totally be fine.

And the fact that, you know, she's bringing these girls over and they're fucking hitting on you. I mean, that never happened to me. Women now, my God, I had to spin plates and fucking all kinds of shit to try to get them to pay attention to me. So you're, you're way better in a way better situation than I was when I was 19. So just know that, you know, people always have it worse than you. Just go easy on yourself. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. Probably get laid by the time you're fucking 20. Just go out and say hello to people, right? You got women coming over, throwing themselves at you. I mean, I don't even, am I supposed to feel bad for you? I want to be you. You're 19 and you got women hitting on you. Dude, you're a fucking rockstar. All right, tired of lying. Hey, Billy Nutbuster, here's my situation.

I've been mildly depressed. Jesus Christ, here we go. Everybody's having a problem this week. I've been mildly depressed for my whole life and struggled with an identity crisis since my early teens. What the fuck is an identity crisis? Hang on a second. What do you look in the mirror and be like, who the fuck's, oh, that's right. That's me. Sorry, hold on. All right. You know, I just realized how funny this is. I've seen, they're going like, I hate when like celebrities try to tell me who I should vote for. And here I am fucking giving you guys advice. But don't you guys ask me for advice because you think, you know, I'm going to say something stupid? This is just part of your entertainment, isn't it? All right. Identity crisis. The term identity crisis coined by the psychologist Eric Erickson. That's a real name. My name is Bill Billson. This is my buddy here, Pete Peterson.

Means the failure to achieve ego identity during adolescence. Well, what the fuck does that mean? You don't achieve ego identity. That's a definition. That's a fucking enigma wrapped up in a riddle, right? The stage of psychological development in which identity crisis may occur is kind of, you're just going to fucking move on. None of those fucking words are highlighted. Am I the only dumb ass who doesn't know what that means? During this stage, adolescents are faced with physical growth, sexual maturity, and integrating ideas of themselves about what others think about themselves. Oh, here you are explaining it. Sorry, I panicked. Adolescents, therefore, form their self-image and endure the task of resolving the crisis of their basic ego identity. Oh, so it just means you're trying to figure out who you are. Well, who the fuck knows that at that age?

All right. Let me get back to the fucking question here. Where's the question? Did I, did I, I didn't open a new window? Oh boy. All right, here we go. I'm in strangeness with identity crisis since my early teens. All this thanks to my shitty upbringing. I am Canadian, but growing up, I've always been fascinated with American culture and so on. So some, and our bacon, our bacon, you know, say what you want about, you know, our foreign policy. You can't fuck with our bacon. So some years ago in my late teens, I'm now 27, I began to cultivate this lie that I was American. I fucking love this guy. Why would you do that? This is fascinating. And so on to the point my friends and girlfriends friend believe this.

I've gone as far as to legally change my last name, lie about my heritage partly and a few other things. My European girlfriend now believes full, heatedly, don't you mean heartedly, full, heatedly in my life and her family and friends too. It started by accident coming out as the casual lie. It is before we dated. However, I am now in a very amazing relationship with her and I love this girl very much and plan to marry her. Unfortunately, she has trust issues and me being American is part of my appeal. I'm sure. Oh God, dude, what did you do? She doesn't take to liars or lying lightly at all. Also, we're planning on starting a business together and so on. This lie would come out eventually. Right now I'm in Canada for a couple of months and she's in Europe. I'll see her again soon and I'd prefer to break the news face to face, not on the phone.

This lie is weighing really heavy on me and I want to tell her, but I feel that if I lost her, I couldn't carry on in life. My depression is getting worse with this distance for a few months in the weight of this lie. By the way, this isn't a long distance relationship. I live over in Europe too. I want your advice on how to break the news to her. I love to hear your thoughts on the podcast. Yeah, dude, you gotta, you gotta fucking, you just gotta face the music here. Yeah, I would just sit her down and just say, yeah, listen, I have something I have to tell you. Oh God, and that's going to make her fucking heart drop, but you got to do it. I didn't cheat on you. I'm not breaking up with you. I would say that first.

Okay. It's, you know, something about me. I don't have cancer. And you just be like, what the fuck is it? And you got to be like, listen, I lied about being American. There you go. And then it's out there. And then after that, it's going to naturally go its course. That's all you have to do. I lied about being American. I lied about being American. It's five fucking words, five fucking words, and this weight is off your chest. Now, how she reacts to it and all of that other stuff is different. I would just be totally honest with her and just say the weight of this, the reason why I did it, I didn't like myself. The identity crisis. Just tell her why you did it.

And then I don't know what you do after that other than just wait to see her reaction to it. I knew somebody one time that lied about their age and it was nuts. He was dating this person for a number of years and she was much younger. So he started out the relationship by saying he was, he was younger. And then I remember like when he started introducing her to us the few times he did, he was going like, listen, he'd be like, just, we went to high school together, but we didn't graduate in 1987. We graduated like 1993 and we were all sitting there laughing and I'm going like, dude, I can't remember all this shit. How about I just, I don't bring up high school. I just won't bring up any years. And we just, we basically hammered this guy forever and then he finally came clean.

And you know what, dude? He came clean and she didn't break up with him. She didn't fucking break up with them. Women are way more forgiving than men are, I think. Their capacity to forgive is much greater. So what's funny was this guy finally came clean. She freaked the fuck out, but then she forgave him and then they stayed together and then six months later he dumped her. So I figured that one out. So dude, you'll be fine. Just tell her, you got to tell her, you know, and no matter what, dude, you're going to survive.

This whole fucking thing of like, oh my God, if this person leaves me, my life's going to be, it's not going to be over, okay? And she probably won't leave you. You know, she loves you too. You'll be fine, but you know, just the big thing, all you got to worry about, dude, is you just got, you just got to get this fucking lie off your chest. And you know what, dude, then you can fucking breathe again. And yeah, you know, that's going to be weird for a while, but you know, it's a situation you created and as a man, you got to fucking deal with it. All right, so good luck to you. All right. My girl wears entirely too much makeup. Oh, Billy Firecrutch.

I've been dating a girl for three years who was fantastic. She's carrying, she's carrying, listens to me bitch about work and is a crazed lunatic in a good way in the sack. All right, so she's great in bed and she puts up with you. What's, what's the not like? My one problem is that she wears way too much makeup. She watches YouTube videos all the time dealing with ways to put on makeup, but she always looks like she uses too much. Her eyebrows look kind of like Groucho marks by the end of it. My dilemma is how do I go about telling her nicely that she should ease up on the makeup?

She's very sensitive about her looks. Yeah, I would guess that, but also values my opinion, which is why I'm in a tough spot. I kind of feel like a jerk too, because if this is my one problem, then I should be able to deal with it, right? The lovely Nia should probably weigh in on this also if she's not asleep. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Unfortunately, she's not here. Yeah, I would just, I don't know, one time when she's not wearing makeup, just tell her how pretty she looks. Didn't just tell her that you love the way she looks, you know, just start there.

Gradually, you know, build up her fucking confidence. And I don't know how you could ever just say, you know, you wear too much makeup. If you just said it, just how would you say it? Well, let's get to the truth of the matter. You're obviously attracted to her. You obviously think she's beautiful, but she wears so much makeup. Yeah, if a woman wears too much makeup, they can start looking crazy. Then also, you know, they give you a hug and it's just like you have like the imprint to their face.

You know what I mean? Is that called a stigmata? What's the thing when you have fucking Jesus' face on you? Christ, I always have to look, you know, how many times I fucking looked up this word? It's a fucking great song, too. That's stigma. All right, stigmata is a term used. Oh, Jesus Christ, this is all this religious.

It's a term used by members of the Christian faith to describe body marks, sores, or sensations of pain and locations corresponding to the crucifixion. Wounds of Jesus Christ, such as hands, wrists, and feet. I'll give me a fucking break. What the fuck is wrong with people? Jesus is in me and my hands fucking hurt. I mean, can you fucking imagine? Let's say, let's just fucking say, okay, for the sake of fucking argument that Jesus Christ is a real person and that shit happened to him. If you fucking sit there and be like, oh, my fucking hands hurt, you know, do you realize how insulting that is to fucking J-Star there?

This guy had fucking nails. Isn't it in his arms? If you did it to his hands, the weight of his fucking body, they would have ripped off. Then they actually do it in the fucking wrists between the radius and the ulna. The fucking agony that this person went through, and you're going to fucking sit there, oh, yeah, I kind of feel it too. How fucking self-centered are you? All right, so she wears too much makeup. Yeah, I would just say, yeah, I would just tell her how pretty she is, you know.

And rather than saying you wear too much makeup, I would more phrase it like, you know, you don't have to wear all that makeup. You know, she'd show the world your beautiful face, you're covering it up. I would go in a very positive way, you know. But I would just ease into it. I would just, when she's not wearing makeup, you just keep telling her how pretty she looks, you know what I mean? And then hopefully she'll get past that because that's a sad thing if someone's walking around and they don't like how they look. I don't know, people are fucking nuts. People, I think the internet makes people even more fucking nuts.

Just sitting there looking at all these people, all these Instagram people and all this fucking shit. It drives people, you get a little crazy. All right, podcast topic slash hopefully interesting thought. Jesus Christ, dude, you wrote a goddamn novel here. All right, I'm going to apologize up front for my bad reading here. 00:56:55,000 --> 00:56:56,000 Hey Bill. Are you up for something a little bit different?

Who writes that? It's not about football. And if it's a conspiracy theory, it's one for the future. I bet you didn't think making pie would be something interesting to you. But look at you now with the butter crust and everything. So give it a shot, haha. Well, dude, I'm fucking reading. You don't, you don't got to write all that stuff.

I'll read anything. All right, would you ever teleport somewhere if the technology got to that point? It was something I thought would be cool until you see the difference ways they're trying it, trying it out. Who is the first is a wormhole, which is some kind of space time anomaly that I don't even think the physicist understands. Physicists understand. I don't understand what you've already lost me. This would be pretty cool, but it is obviously especially unlikely to ever be a thing. Dude, would you look at this sentence?

This would be pretty cool, but it's obviously especially unlikely to ever be a thing. It was like fucking left and right turns in just in that sentence. Another way they are looking. Oh, by the way, I, you know, I never understood why formula one was looking down on like Indy car racing and star car racing. How it's just left turns, just left turns, just left turns, like why it's harder that there's left and right turns. I finally noticed because what happens is that if there's a left turn and you're on the inside and you get past the guy and then the next turns are right turn, then he's on the inside. So it's actually way more difficult. You think you think, you know, in star car racing, you get on the inside and yeah, that's it. You passed the guy.

Then he's got to try to get inside of you or maybe fucking have somebody draft behind him or whatever. But I mean, there's only so many fucking ways you can go formula one race. You're like, yeah, I fucking passed you. Oh, no, I didn't son of a bitch, right? Sorry, that was way over simplifying something really difficult. 00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:07,000 00:59:08,000 --> 00:59:14,000 All right, another way they're looking into this is really fucking horrifying.

The idea is that they can break you down your atoms while analyzing exactly how everything was connected and just put the same elements together on the other side. This could even work with your brain and memories. What really all of our consciousness is just neurons in certain patterns connected. Uniquely in each of us based on our DNA and experiences. Yeah, dude, like already I can tell you this, like, you know, you go to Jiffy Lube and their job is literally to change oil, drain oil out and then put other oil in and the amount of times that they forget to put it in and the person drives away without the oil in there and then the engine seizes. You know what I mean? You think I'm going to go to fucking the Jiffy Lube of teleporting and I'm going to roll the dice that they're going to get everything back together again. Anyway, she says, obviously this would be something in the distant future, but aren't you technically dying every time you go through that?

Go through what? Go through what? And a clone. Oh, if you were to teleport and a clone with the same memories comes out on the other side. It's a weird thought that if this ever became a thing, everyone using it to communicate every day would be dying twice a day with the clone coming out on the other side. Yeah, dude, this sounds like a great movie. It's fucked up enough that no one else like friends or family would know the difference, but even you slash clone, you wouldn't. If it was good enough that all of the memories came with you, the clone would just come out the other side remembering, stepping in the receiver a minute ago, even though the version of you that experienced that is dead now.

Yeah, so what your soul would know it wherever the fuck your soul goes, and you'd be standing down, you know, looking down from a cloud or wherever the fuck you go, going that motherfucker isn't me walking around being me. And he goes he was sorry if I got too weird for you, but I thought if I experienced explained it right this would be at least mildly interest totally interesting. Even they had that even if they had the technology right now I feel like they would have to slowly work up to this like everyone thought if you had a cell phone you were a douche then everyone had one. Now we have like, now we have shit like Pokemon go and Eric I get the rest of this stuff. Dude, this is I thought about, you know, when I was in my early days of traveling, basically the first 20 years of this shit, and I took, you know, bosses and sat in the back of the plane and all that type of shit. I remember just thinking that I just wish that I remember wishing that I had an F 16, you know, and a pilot, and that we could somehow fly like whatever 2000 miles an hour, whatever that is mock whatever across the country. We get across the country in like an hour and a half, and just fucking get in the thing and have the guy just push the stick forward. That's that was my big thing. I was into bullet trains. I was into all of this shit. And what I fucking hated was whenever I took the train from Boston down to New York City, they had the high speed fucking train.

And it would go high speed to like Stanford, Connecticut or some shit. And then they had to stop and change the engine. So it just slowed the fuck down. Something like that. You'd have to stop or you'd get behind the slow one. It didn't even make any fucking sense to pay all that extra money and all you did was shave like 20 minutes off the thing. So I've always thought about like I would just use teleporting for travel. You know, but I agree with you that you you are you would be dying if they took you completely apart. Like, that is weird. Like, what the what what exactly would you be like your heart would be completely taken apart. First of all, dude, there's no fucking way we're ever going to learn how to do that. There's no way teleporting and time travel and all that shit. If if we were going to learn how to do it, we already would have known about it. You know what I mean? Because someone would have done in the future and they would have come back and somebody would have said something. Hey, not for nothing. I'm from fucking 2152. Just wanted to come back here and, you know, just wanted to breathe better, better air and get away from all those robots, you know, that are running the fucking world. All right, girlfriend leaving. All right, dear Bill, love the podcast. All right, my girlfriend and I have lived on Long Island, our whole lives. Go jets, go Islanders.

And in a couple weeks, she's moving out to the Midwest with her family. I knew I was going to see her a lot less since we're starting at different colleges in the fall. But I figured we could still give it a go when we come back during breaks and stuff. She's my first real girlfriend, lost our virginities to each other's other and whatnot. And I don't know, man, this really sucks. I'm still crazy about her, like to the point where I'm seriously thinking about transferring to her school next year in a likely futile attempt to keep the dream alive. I know, I know, call me an idiot, but hey, I'm a dumb teenager. I don't think you're an idiot. You love the girl. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that. This is supposed to be the prime of our lives. And I get that, but I just don't want it to end with her. Any advice from you or the lovely Nia on how to make long distance work or moving on in general would be greatly appreciated. This is what you got to do. You got to allow yourself to be the age that you're at.

Okay, you don't have the answers to these questions. There really aren't any. Each person is unique. The two of you are unique. And all you can do is just tell her how you feel. Hope she feels the same way. And there's nothing more you can do. You know, it's either going to work out or it isn't. And you know, you just have to accept in life that most shit is out of your control. And you're going to have good days, you're going to have bad days, you're going to have happiness and you're going to have pain. And you know, when you go through painful parts of your life, you just you have to face it and you have to, you have to accept it. You're not special as far as like, you know, you're not going to go through life and not get everybody's going to get their fair share of heartache. Everybody's going to get their hopefully their fair share of happiness. So, you know, you're still young. You got your whole fucking life ahead of you. Like I said, all you can do is just tell this woman how you feel.

And if it works out, it works out. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I can also tell you that, you know, you're going to be going to a college and there's going to be a bunch of beautiful women there. There's going to be college is the greatest fucking nightclub, like ever, ever. You know, you walk into a nightclub. It's like, you know, the women know why the fuck you're there so that they already got their guard up. When you go to college, you know, you're going there to go to school. So everybody's a little more fucking relaxed. Yeah, you can go there. You just fucking hit on all of them. Every fucking one women that are completely out of your league just fucking have a good dude. Dude, you're fucking, oh, I guess you're not single. You have this girl. But I'm just saying, if she fucking dumps you, dude, like you're depressed, you're depression, right?

Of the life that you're going to have after that is you're basically going to be a single guy in the prime of your life going to college. Like that's not a big drop off. You know, you're totally going to be fine. So like I say, just tell this woman how you feel. If she feels the same way it'll work out. If it doesn't, then you're a free man at college. And I can tell you this right now, as a married guy, I can tell you someday you'll be married and you'll have kids and you're going to look back when you were single in college with all of those fucking women around. And you don't want to look back on what the fuck was I thinking? I'm not saying going out there and being a fucking man whore, but go out and have a good fucking time, you know? Dude, you're single in college. If you end up being single in college, the thing that you're kind of afraid of because you don't want to lose this woman. This is, you're basically, you're drafting in the first round. You know what I mean?

Like there's so many great catches because they're all fucking single. So you can go out and you can, you can get, you can get a quality, quality fucking woman. If you're single and you're in college, you know, the older you get, you start drafting in the later rounds, you know, you start, you know, you start meeting women with issues, women with fucking baggage, all the great ones get fucking snapped up. So, you know, you're single in like your thirties. That's when all of a sudden you think you got a number one draft pick. And then all of a sudden, you know, you end up with like a Greg Odin situation, right? She's got some fucking micro fractures in her feet or some shit or a knee. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. I'm just saying like, like at your age, you know, the hardest thing is you haven't, you haven't been older yet. Older people would look at your situation and just be like, dude, you're in a fucking dream situation.

But there's, there's no way for me to explain that to you because you'd have to be old and get married and just be going through the fucking the relationship shit, you know, it's just the fucking ups and downs and ups and downs. And like now you're fucking legally bound to somebody, which is fucking insane to begin with. And the fact, dude, that you're just this, you're just single. You can do whatever the fuck you want to do within reason. And I don't mean like, you know, you can't go out and buy a yacht. You don't have the money to do that. But I'm just saying that you just, whatever you feel like doing, you could basically go do it. And the thing that I really wish when I was single, that I appreciated more was that level of freedom. And then also I wish somebody older could have told me like really just could have told me like I lucked out with Nia. But like some, some of the other people that I dated and stuff like that, I mean, granted, it was also 50% me like, like the level of shit that I put up with when I was younger.

You know, I wish I had like more self-esteem like this is obviously for men and women listening to this shit. Like if you're with somebody and they're a fucking asshole, like why would you waste another second of your life with them? You know what I mean? Trying to find reasons to stay with the person. It's like this person is a fucking asshole. Okay. However you're wired and however they're wired, it's not working. Fuck off. Just fuck off. Get out of my fucking life and just walk away from it. I mean, I learned that so late in life. And like I said, I just, you know, lucked out when I met Nia, but like I had friends in my life that were just fucking assholes. And I just remember one day I just woke up being like, I really shouldn't have to work at being friends with somebody. Like this is like work. I got to sit there and worry, how is this person coming at me and it just, and I just got him out of my life. And then I just kind of just, I don't know, came up with some sort of like standard that if someone dipped below it, that that was it.

They were out. You're fucking off the team. And now I, you know, I've got all these great friends in my life. I don't have to fucking solid people. That's essentially what you're looking for. I know I'm getting off the beaten track here, but dude, like you, you got you, you're in a dream situation, whether this works out or it doesn't, you know, and also as much as it hurts, if you get your heart broken, it's good to get one of those out of the way. So you're all good, dude. You're all fucking good. I wouldn't worry about shit. Tell her how you fucking feel. And she either fucking accepts the fact that you're a number one draft picker. She doesn't. If she doesn't, that's her fucking loss. And you move on. You go to college. You fucking crush it. There you go. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. Thank you to everyone who came out to my shows in Dublin.

I apologize for the lack of air conditioning. I had such a great time and it's, you know, it's beyond a thrill to do what I do for a living and have people actually show up and want to watch me do it. Forget about when I leave my country and there's people from other countries and actually know of what I do and still want to come see me. It's the fucking greatest thing ever. And I'm so psyched to get the first two onto my belt. I'm fucking ready to go tonight and Belfast. I can't fucking wait. And I'm swinging for the fences this whole fucking tour because I'm getting ready. I'm getting ready for this. I'm gonna be shooting another special. I was fucking talking about Hillary last night, blaming her for Bill Clinton cheating on her. It was one of the most ignorant, stupid fucking things I've ever said on stage. It was so fucking stupid. People were basically just laughing at me, knowing that I was being an ass. And I don't know. It was kind of nice to have that.

People used to do that a lot more in comedy clubs before this stupid fucking, I don't know what's going on right now with everybody taking everything so fucking seriously. So anyways, alright, I'm babbling here. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Oh, where will you be on Thursday? I don't even know. Belfast tonight? Galway Tuesday? Wednesday? I'll be in, oh fuck, I'll be in Legendary. Legendary, Manchester, England. Ah, this is gonna be awesome. Alright, go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you Thursday. Oh, that was a spaghetti bolognese with a lot of meat. Download the Maiden Lijzer app and cook me. Yeah, top. The Lijzer, with the Gleven.