Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-1-22

Episode Date: August 1, 2022

Bill rambles about which finger to lose, suing a newspaper, and world evils.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. Um, August 1st. Oh my God, where is the fucking summer going? I've barely had time to get a lobster roll. Have you had the lobster roll down at Max? Oh, it's the fucking die for you. I think I don't like is the fucking line is so goddamn long. I go through half a pack of cities waiting for it. By the time I get up there, burned all my taste buds, so I can't taste the lobster butter. Um, yeah, it's August 1st. Who the fuck knew? I don't, I don't, by the way, I don't fuck with lobsters. Can you tell I'm tired of shit? I took a fucking red eye, but not a red eye early morning flight back. I barely slept because there was a bunch of comics

to the plane coming back from Montreal. Had a great time up there at the Montreal Comedy Festival. Before I get into that, let's talk about why I don't fuck with lobster because they boil them alive. And then people who aren't lobsters say that the lobsters don't feel anything, rather than they don't have a voice to be like, um, could you turn down the heat a little bit? I'm getting a little red in my lobster ass. Oh, we, right? They can't say anything. You know, there aren't many fish that say anything. Unless they're mammals and they kind of run their yaps. Is it dolphin or mammal? Because it's got a couple little fucking whiskers. You know, like that dude who can just never grow a beard his whole fucking life. That's actually a good

thing. If you're pretty hairless, usually means you keep it on top of your head. But those fucking guys with the hairy backs and gym class and like eighth grade, they fucking look like a substitute teacher by the time they're 19. Yeah, I don't fuck with lobster. If I still don't understand, you know, I bet if I was to look right now, if I was to be inquisitive, I would, I would look this up right now. Okay. Humane way to cook lobster. All right, which is kind of funny because you imagine if lobsters ate us, Oh, believe me, buddy, if they could, they would, they could get those fucking claws were a little bit bigger. They'd take a lot more than just your finger. How do we do this here? Let's see here. Lobster is best when killed immediately before

cooking. Well, shit, let's get to it. Unless you bought a frozen lobster, what you brought home from the market is alive and kicking. And that leaves the task up to the cook. What is the most humane way to dispatch of a lobster? Well, I respect this article because it says it did say killed. So they're not trying to like sugarcoat killed. This is just good writing because they already said killed in the paragraph. And for some reason, when you're writing, you it's not good to repeat words like that. You look for synonyms, even though when regular when people are just talking, they repeat the same words all the time. Like, are you fucking kidding me? Dude, you fucking kidding me? You know, a better writer would have said, dude, you fucking kidding me?

And then be like, bro, kid, are you fucking shitting me? While plunging the live lobster into a pot of boiling water will surely be fatal. There is some debate as to whether it is cruel now who the fuck in the world is like it's not cruel. It's absolutely cruel. It's whether or not you give a fuck that you're doing it. The lobster's thrashing tail often makes a knocking sound inside the pot, sometimes loosening the lid. And that can make the cook or those nearby waiting for dinner a bit uncomfortable. Yeah, I wish this thing getting boiled alive wouldn't quit disrupting our meal. Hey, we're over here trying to eat the appetizers. Could you fucking get boiled alive a little quieter? But does the lobster suffer? The jury is still out on this

one. But most chef agrees that dispatching a lobster before cooking is the best approach. Killing before cooking, there are a few ways to kill a lobster. Oh, Jesus. But there's only one way to get it in the pot. By doing it before cooking, you have the option to boil, bake, steam, or cook it another way. Freeze the lobster by placing it in the free. Oh, Mike, now it's got to freeze to death. What would you choose? Boil to let you got to go freeze to death. You got to go with the cold. There's me some asshole out there going, well, actually, if you boil to death, it'd be over quicker. They're both agonizing death. Shut up, fucking death expert. Freeze the lobster by placing it in the freezer for 30 to 60 minutes before

putting it in. You can't just fucking take a little club and hit them on the head. There you go. A quicker option is to plunge a knife straight down into the carapace, part of the exoskeleton on the lobsters, but paste the tip of the sharp chef's knife behind the lobster's eyes right below where the claws meet the body and halfway to the first joint. Swiftly plunge the knife down through the head. The legs will continue to move a bit, but the lobster is in fact dead. Why is there so many mysteries with these fucking lobsters about whether they're feeling shit, whether they're alive or dead? I'm getting to the point where I'm going to start blaming the victim. You know, maybe if these lobsters knew how to communicate a little

better, they could avoid such a horrible death. Anyway, oh my god, so fucking wiped out, but my kids are coming back from hanging out over some friends' houses. Their friends' house, they had a play date today. My wife's bringing them back, and they're going to be back here in like a little bit. I haven't seen them in two days, so I don't want to do anything else other than play with them today. So I'm knocking this the fuck out. Yeah, so I was up in Montreal, I played the Bell Center, where the hated habs, the Abidant, Blue Blanket Rouge, play. It was fucking incredible. What an amazing crowd. They were just great sense of humor, and they just really listened. You could take them on a ride. I had an absolute fucking blast,

and we showed the movie trailer for old dads. Everybody seemed to really enjoy that, and I'm getting very excited about whenever that movie comes out, and I worked with Nate Craig and Joe Bartnick. They both absolutely killed. Thank you to Bruce Hills and everybody at the Montreal Comedy Festival. I had a great time. Although I was a little depressed just thinking about how long I'd been going to that thing. I don't just, something got me. I just think I spent a little bit too much time alone in the hotel room. The smoke started catching up with me, and I just started thinking about, man, I remember when I first came here, because it's like shit had changed and stuff. I still did the hike up the stairs in that fucking, that beautiful park

they have. I always take a picture of the Montreal Expo Stadium, Olympic Stadium, where I come in with you. If I'm not mistaken, I think Bruce Jenner, before he became Caitlyn, wanted the Cathalon there. Wouldn't that be amazing if Caitlyn Jenner came back and did the Cathalon and then won, and then could be the first person to ever win the male and female, the Cathalon. I mean, when is that going to happen again? What do you mean again? It never happened, but if it did happen. You know, if Bruce didn't waste all that time on chips, instead of doing chips, if he just became Caitlyn, did a couple episodes of Cagney and Lacey, you know, he could have won them both. It's got to haunt him or her. Oh, by the way, rest in peace.

Bill Russell, the great Bill Russell has passed away. Just one of the most important figures, maybe in sports history, right up there with Ali, Jackie Robinson, and everybody else of that era. I think it's amazing that he lived to be 88 at his height. You know, how many, like, 6 foot 9, 6 foot 10 old guys, do you see walking around? And do you know why that is? It's because everybody gets the same size, hot. So it has to work that much harder to pump the blood to the tip of your toes and come back again, which is why even putting on a few pounds, you know, puts all this pressure on your heart. I don't know why I would go into that, but I mean,

just like, you know, there's been so many big men over the years that die prematurely, like Will Chamberlain, I thought, I don't even know if he made 60. Moses Malone was another one, Daryl Dawkins, all these big men that I, you know, either just missed or watched their careers have gone on the pass and Bill Russell continued to live, lived to be 88. So that's, that is amazing, but one of the great, greats of all time. And yeah, that fucking blows. But I mean, it's 88. It's a weird thing when you live a long life. You know, there's nobody left. But there's actually a lot of Celtic stuff. That's kind of like the depression that I had when I was up in Montreal, you know, when I wasn't around

anybody, I was kind of going around the fucking city and like just all the fucking memories I had and how much time has gone by and how many people I hung out with that are no longer here anymore. It's just fucking wild. You know, a couple of people have lost their minds. A couple of people are dead than other people, you know, like me, got married, had kids and you just don't have time to fucking hang out. I'm just like, what the fuck? I was like, I gotta fucking get out of here. I got to go do the stairs. I got to keep going. You know, it's really crazy. But if you're into that sort of morose, sort of if you're feeling that you want to watch it, I mean, if you want to, if you're, if you're a little down in the dumps right now,

and maybe you just want to hang there for a little longer and you need a movie that will be a nice company for you on the criteria on channel, you know, that has just all the best shit, there's no way to bring up that you watch that channel without coming off like a snob. I watched this movie that I'd never heard of called Fat City starring Stacy Keech. I have my fucking brain. I can't think of anybody and Jeff Bridges and then the woman and it got nominated for an Oscar. I should just pull this up right now. It's a boxing movie, beautifully shot. Let me see here. Fat City cast. There we go. Susan. Susan Terrell. Nicholas Colosanto. Was that how you say his name?

I actually played coach on Cheers. Was in Raging Bull and all of that. Just a fucking incredible movie. I checked that out. So I watched a lot of shit when I was in Montreal. I usually go to like the young comic showcase. I wasn't able to get to it because my flight got so delayed and I was only there for like 36 hours. So I went over to this place called The Nest, had a great time, ran into Tommy Tarnan. Oh, Tommy Tarnan. I didn't even know he was going to be there and I had, just in the brief time that I saw him, had a lot of laughs. Just such a great guy, one of the great comics in the world. I got to see him do a hilarious set. And I didn't even realize that as I was leaving that the place where that comedy club is was where the original Montreal Forum was,

where Rocket Richard and all of those guys played. Not the one in the middle that I associate with Guy Cabineau, Chris Cellios, Chris Nyland. Who else? Patrick Gua, Spoboda, Stefan Richet. Oh my god. It's funny. Now I look back fondly at all those memories and everything, but when we were playing those, I fucking hated all of those guys. And now I'm like, I don't know. I think that's being in your 50s. You think back going like, how cool is that? I screw the Boston Guard. And I remember getting one time I got tickets right in the glass and fucking just was right there. And you know, all of those guys that I fucking hated. And I watched them on WSVK, TV 38 before Nessun came around. Fred Cusick and who's this? Oh my god. What the fuck was this?

Before Derek Sanderson. Was it Johnny Pearson? Well, tell you right now, Fred, all you youngsters out there, watch this Ricky Middleton. He's going to do it all himself on this one over the blue line. He's do that whole thing right now back in the night. He freezes the goal. He right here. Oh, Pearson's pointers in between periods. It was the greatest. It was the fucking greatest. So it was really, I don't know. I hate to say this is a Bruins fan, but this, even in the new place, there's still that mystique of all of those champion chips. And the only thing that sucks is they rolled up the banners, which I actually kind of respected like, we're not going to hang the banners where somebody's in here telling shit jokes. But we had a great time in, you know,

Bartnick fucking hosts the puck off podcast. He's a hockey maniac. Nate Craig is also a great hockey player. So we were all geeking out that we were in there and we just had a fucking great time, man. It was awesome. I was trying out my French. Got to do it twice this month. I was in France last month. I'm in Montreal. I was actually noticing their accent a little bit. I was picking up so much shit. I got to, what the fuck did I say when I was up there? On plus the two twice. And she was like, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can we, can we speak familiar as opposed to using VOO? We can use two. And I was able, although I did fuck up, I need, I forgot to buy a belt. And I went to this fucking haberdashery store and they just go, bonjour. Hello. And I was like, bonjour,

I said, no, not citrone. I go up belt and these, I forget, I always forget belt sentry on or something like that. I said, I just said, I want to buy a lemon, right? And he laughed. He said, yeah, that's what you said. Whatever, baby steps, you know, lead to bigger steps. And then you're going. So I ended up having just such a fucking great time when I was up there. And I couldn't get to sleep because of always I went to Stoges, shout out to them. Rumor has it that they're going to be opening a comedy club above the cigar bar. Excited about that. And, but I smoked two cigars. So I came home. I was just kind of wired from the tobacco and I couldn't go to sleep. And which ended up being a good thing because there's this drummer that I keep saying,

and I finally, you know, I saw one time and she blew me away. And I, you know, I accidentally swiped and then, you know, I had to go back into fucking Instagram and within three seconds, the video I was watching was like 30,000 videos away and I couldn't find it. I hope I say her name right. Her name is Sarah Fower. And she like just, she has this video, I gotta post it, where she's just basically giving like a drum lesson. And the fuck is that noise? Couldn't tell if that was human or a fucking animal. Anyway, Indian drummer, I believe, and she came up playing the tabla. And the way they teach drums over there is you have to sing the rhythms rather than, you know, counting it, how they teach it here in the West. And

she just was singing these tabla things, these tabla rhythms. I don't know anything about it, but it was just fascinating in like seven and just her phrasing. She's like, I don't, I'm not going to be able to do it justice. But there was so many things that she was doing on the drums that you actually do as a comedian or an actor. And she's like, I don't want her to be thinking anything. And I just was like, that's what the fuck I think. Is there somebody breaking into my fucking house? What's going on here? All the kids are home. No, are they? No. Jesus Christ, I'm fucking losing my mind. Looking at my car in the driveway. I just see a car and I think somebody came home. Something happened. Something got opened here.

Who knows? I got a bat. I got a bat and I got some fucking non-lethal weapons here, like my voice. Please don't steal anything. Anyway, she was saying how she just wants her head to be clear. That's how I like think before I go on and go do a set. I don't want to be thinking anything. I don't want to be thinking about what I'm open about. I don't want to be thinking about fucking anything. Just go out there and just sort of lock in with the crowd and then just see what happens. And she was doing, you know, but as much as that's cool to do that as a comedian, at the end of the day, I'm still talking, which is what I had been doing for 23 years before I became a comedian. So what amazes me about musicians is they have to learn how to

talk all over again through their instrument. And she is just an absolute juggernaut on the drums and one of the freest people I've ever seen in my life. Anyway, she just doesn't give a fuck. And I really feel like the support she got as a kid, because I was like a half hour video and I was like, as blown away by her drumming as I was as her as a person, like how just free she was and confident and all that. I just absolutely loved her playing. I went down this rabbit hole and saw that she played with Sheila E and all of these people, whatever. And then it also got me like trying to learn some of those tabla chants or songs, rhythms, whatever they're called. And I came across this video of this guy, Zakir Hussein. I know I'm pronouncing all these wrong. He played

with like George Harrison back in the days, one of the greatest of all time. But him and this other guy, I'm going to say the name wrong. So any buddy who's into this type of music, please send it phonetically and I'll say it right next week. Rakesh Chareja, I don't know how to say his name, but he plays like their version of the flute. I watched this shit. It was absolutely hypnotic. They both sit down on the floor. Rakesh guy starts playing. Zakir is sitting there for like 10 minutes, doesn't do anything. And this guy is just mesmerizing and creates this vibe. And then all of a sudden the Zakir guy slowly starts incorporating, you know, his tabla rhythms and everything. And I was just like, holy shit, I never even knew. Like, you know

what it was? It was that Sarah Thower thing that I watched that gave me access in to be able to begin to understand how incredible the music from India is, which I already knew it was, but it was just always like, you know, it's just something that's just so different from what you're listening to. It's like hard to listen to because you can't keep up with like a new language. You're like, how the fuck am I going to learn all of that? Right? So I'll post a video. You got you got to fucking watch it. It's just insane. If you play any instrument whatsoever and I can't even tell you how satisfying everything I just told you was to watch. So and thank God for whoever posted those videos and for Sarah making those great videos because I was going into a fucking depression

up in Montreal and it totally pulled me out of it. And I was up till five in the morning just watching all of this stuff just just blew my fucking mind absolutely blew my mind. I think I fucked my shoulder up again, you know, fucking idiot, but I don't think I did it that bad. I think I can recover. It's not like I'm going all the way back, but I definitely a couple of steps back. I pushed it a little bit. Fucking stupid. God damn impatient fucking bald ginger son of a bitch. Red Sox are being the Red Sox just a tough year with the injuries. I'm sick of fucking people shitting on the Red Sox too. Like the level of injuries that we have this fucking year,

we literally half the time half our team out there should be playing in Worcester. So fuck off with that. One of my Yankee fan friends was giving me shit or whatever just showing me how good Aaron judges doing. And you know, I mentioned to him that the Dodgers now have the best record in baseball. Did the New York Yankees peak too soon? It's probably better now that if you're a Yankee fan, it's better now that there's shit in the bed in July. They got plenty of time to get momentum going again so they can maybe, you know, get something going in October. But I just fucking, I'm just telling you, like, I fucking hate Yankee fans and I hate Laker fans because they both had the same thing in common. No matter how many

fucking free agents they have on their team, they can't have enough. And if anybody becomes available, you know, they want to add them to their $900 zillion team. And it's just like, I don't understand what Yankee fans and Laker fans have against competition. It's like, they don't even want to see competition. They want to see all the stars in the league on their team. And then they win by 100 runs or 100 points every night. And they're like, yeah, this is, this is enjoyable to watch. But I think that that's a symptom of just everybody plays that fantasy football, fantasy baseball. So like, they all fancy themselves like general managers anyway. So they, I don't know. And they're always fucking picking up different players on the

whatever this little fantasy thing that they're, they're in sports. That just is the funniest. I've never played that shit. I'm sure it's fun, but I'm just like, I don't, you know, I was talking to Bartnick about this. It's like, did you ever give a fuck when you were growing up watching sports? Who was making what? Did you ever give a fuck what they were doing off the field? You only gave a shit about the game. The fucking game came on. There was five minutes of pregame, five minutes of post game, and you watched the fucking game. That was it. I didn't need, you know, I guess the sports writers, some of them would like gossip a little bit.

I mean, you have to be doing shit at the level of like Derek Sanderson or like Joe Namath back in the day for people to actually be talking about what you were doing off the field. But other than that, no one knew what you're doing and nobody gave a fuck. All right. And with that, let me read let me read a little bit of the, the advertising here. If I could find it, just realized I forgot to, to look it up here. Oh, by the way, the name of that video too is Sarah Thower, S-A-R-A-H-T-H-A-W-E-R masterclass on her YouTube channel. And beyond her playing, just how free she is as a person and how much in the best way possible she doesn't give a fuck. I loved it. All right. Oh, here we go. Let me see here. Oh, live reads. Oh, look who it is. Solo

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think I've ever been to Stockton. With all the rich people getting pushed out by even richer people in San Francisco and then them spilling into Oakland, I would think people that are in Oakland would then get squirted out to Stockton. Who knows? Who the hell knows? All right, and with that, I'm going to a little bit of a grumpy move because I think I fucked out my shoulder yet again, the ongoing things, me cutting down on cigars and trying to get my shoulders in shape, whatever, and my temper and sunscreen, all these losing battles. All right, re-losing a finger. Oh, this is this guy last week, he tried to pick up a baby tiger shark that I think fucking rolled over on him and just bit his finger off and he acted like he just goes,

I just lost my goddamn pinky finger. I would have been like, I would have been freaking out. I'm fucking deformed. Hey, Billy bath salt, salts. On Monday morning's podcast, you mentioned that losing a pinky finger is probably for the best. I was saying out of all the fingers you could lose. I don't know. Are you really going to give me shit here? I was saying you can't throw a change up. I did say that. My procrastination need for useless information was peak. Turns out the pinky finger does a disproportionate amount of gripping while all the other human beings, human beings, other fingers are its helpers. Basically the reason human beings have opposable thumbs, the springboard of our evolution from

being just another ape. Apes have thumbs, don't they? I thought it was because we ate mushrooms. There's so many fucking internet theories. Is that the thing? Is that the thing is doing the opposite opposing is the little finger? Yeah. Well, guess what? The ring finger's going to step up on his hand. The reason why the ring finger isn't doing shit is because the pinky's there. All right. The pinky just went down. The ring finger's coming in off the bench. It doesn't have a choice. It's got to get it done. I say the guy's ring finger will become stronger than yours and mine put together. Anyway, so if you have your little finger amputated, you're going to lose a significant amount of grip strength when holding everyday small objects.

Initially. Initially you will. Given the choice, that's yeah, it's like your other senses heightened. Same thing with the ring finger. The ring finger steps up, steps up, puts down the clipboard, and now you can do a pull up. Given the choice, you want to give up the index finger on the hand. You don't use for writing as the other two of the middle digits will take over its job. Who knew? Thanks for the podcast and the comedy. It keeps us grounded in these mercurial times. All right. Just out of curiosity, did you just Google one thing? The fact that you had no idea and now you're talking to me like you're an authority, and I'm defensive because I was saying, I don't think the pinky's that big a deal. I think it's like the best one to lose as far as like,

you know, if you're walking around in public, like no one's really going to notice that. You know, if your hands sort of like fucking relax, I don't think that they notice it. Did that just peak your interest and now you're going to fucking slam that down? Listen, man, I'm just trying to fill up an hour every week. I don't need you coming in here cross-examining me. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That's actually was interesting, but I would think that the pinky finger would, I mean, the ring finger would then do something. I can already feel like I'm right now. Like, yeah, it would do something. It's not just going to sit there. If you're ever inclined to do a show, like you ever see like people with no arms working

as bank tellers, how flexible their fucking legs are? Do you think that they would be there and then doing all this shit with their feet? I can't fucking do that. Their feet are acting like hands. Why? Because they have no arms. Hence, they got nothing to put their hands on. That's what I'm saying. That's, that's my, that's my rebuttal. Your, your, your thing that got peaked just got peaked by my peak, Twin Peaks. If you ever inclined to do a show in Bangkok, I know that there's a huge expat community of standup lovers who will support the shit out of it. We sold out Chappelle and Jeffries within a week of tickets released. Just saying, well, I want the locals to go. Well, you know, I don't want to go all the way to Bangkok and talk to some guy from Houston,

Texas or fucking, you know, the valley. I can do that out here. Wait a second. Now my interest has been peaked. My interest has been peaked. What? Because I made a statement. You had to fucking prove me wrong in front of all my listeners. Huh? Take me down a peg. Is that what you wanted to do? Well, I hope you feel better because you did. Bangkok, capital of Thailand, Xpats. How many? What do we got? Bangkok ranks 20th on a list of expat friendly cities. Oh, is this where all the fucking pedophiles go? They get in trouble and then they just fucking screw when they go over there? Or is that Bali? I don't know. We'll find out. All right. Well, thank you for the information. So I was trying to look for a fucking bright side of seeing some guy get his pinky bit

off. Now we can't hold his rod or reel. Uh, re cakes. Oh, my idea for cakes, you know, because they have Hooters. You make, you make a restaurant called cakes. They serve the same shitty chicken wings, except the girls have nice asses as opposed to big titties, you know, just fill in a void. And then when that works, you make feedies. Dear Billy Brainstorm, I think cakes is a good idea for a counterplay to Hooters. I just like to add that size of either tits or ass is overrated. It's all about shape. I've heard an evolutionary biologist speak on this as well when asked about the attraction to large tits or ass. What? Where the fuck were you that you were watching an evolutionary biologist speak and somebody was just like, that's very interesting how we went from

being apes to now driving Teslas that are going to drive it for us. Um, as fascinating as the evolution of man is, can we talk tits and ass please? And the person was just, well, absolutely. Anyway, he didn't use the terms tits and ass, right? He was much more eloquent and respectful. I dated two girls with large tits. One was a long time ago when she laid down, they almost disappeared. One of them is my current wife and she's 39 and they're still perky and whatnot. She works out and has a great ass, a great ass too. I dated a girl who bragged about her ass, but it was just big and it was nothing special about it. The size wars are a young man's dead end game. Shape is what matters. I don't need a giant ass if it looks like a bag of old yogurt.

Hey man, I was just trying to fucking open a restaurant and you're sitting there like, like the chicks I'm going to have working, they won't have like, I don't know what a fucking nice ass looks like. I need to talk to an evolutionary biologist. What the fuck is in the water this week? You guys are all coming at me. Anyways, this guy's going on and on about himself and I don't need giant tits if they're just fat because the girl is fat. PS, if you open cakes, you better make routine visits to locations, wearing a robe and smoking a cigar while brazingly pinching employees asses. No, if I'm in the restaurant community as a ginger, one of us already fucked up that world. So they had me. I'd have to do a fucking 23 and me to prove

that I wasn't Mario Batali. You know, I still have his cookware and I still stand by Malto Mario. It's a fucking great cooking show. Celebrities at your shows. Hey, Billy, Billy Espresso being Burr. My wife and I went to one of your spots last Wednesday when you fucking murdered, kid. We noticed Gene Simmons was in the audience. Two-part question. Did they tell you he's there before you went up and does it affect you in any way knowing that a celebrity is in the audience before you perform? No, they didn't and no, it doesn't. It used to when I was younger because then you want to see if you're making them laugh because you feel like they're famous. They must know something and if I make them laugh, then I must know what they know.

Did that just shut off my fucking? Okay. I don't know if you got that. There's some phone just rang. Yeah, I used to folk. I remember seeing William Shatner came to the comedy cellar and I was all looking at him to see if I made him laugh and I can't even remember if I did or not, but they didn't tell me that he was there. Actually, I didn't know that he was there. Thank you very much for the last. My wife has officially called you her spirit animal and we can't wait for your movie to come out. Oh, thank you. I think if it was... I don't know. I think then it was comedians, comedians that I wanted to have a good set in front of. I remember a long time ago when I was doing the rich bitch tour with Donnell,

Ashley, Larry, Rawlings and the late great Charlie Murphy. I remember we went down and we did the comedy union and Eddie Murphy came out to see us and I was definitely aware that he was there and of course I did not have a good set. That was way back in 2004 and I was fucking... I was not happy with myself. I didn't even go up and say hello to him because I was like, I'm not saying hello after that fucking set and looking back, it probably wasn't as bad as I thought it was and I ended up meeting him one time at this Netflix thing and he was like the fucking nicest guy ever. Really cool guy, so I should have said hello, so I don't know. Anyway, whacked out news. Hey, Billy Buffoon, did you hear about this Elon Musk shit this week?

Wall Street Journal reports he had an affair with the wife of the head of Google. Turns out they can both prove they've never been alone in the same place. The article also said he's not friends with the guy from Google anymore. Turns out they are. The Wall Street Journal even admitted that they didn't reach out to any of the parties involved. Shouldn't he sue the ink off these cunts? Yeah, back in the day you would get the shit sued out of you because newspapers are still held for liable and slander and that type of shit, but I just think because of the internet that you can just say anything that you want about anybody and nobody's liable for anything, that I don't even think it matters what anybody says about you anymore.

Anyways, he says it doesn't affect me in my simple life, but collectively it's fucking up the world. Everyone starts talking about this stuff while, as you would say, they're poisoning the food supply. Oh yeah, yeah, they turn our food supply into poison when check out that New Havens Farms. I think that's what it's called on Instagram. I follow that account and it's really inspiring me to get something going, some sort of garden or something, and what little yard that I have. If someone printed a story like that about you, would you take legal action? I'm not talking an entertainment rag, I'm talking a legit news source. Now, because it's out there, people are already going to believe what they're going to believe and then

it's like if you sue them, then you're just prolonging the story and then it just stays out there longer and longer and then you actually become part of the reason why the whole thing's going down the toilet because rather than talking about something important, the level that people were watching, I mean, I'm happy Johnny Depp won in everything, but the level that everybody was watching that fucking trial and talking about it while all this other shit is going on and nobody paying attention, like trying to figure out why it's like $7 a gallon and you're still blaming colors of ties rather than the fact that they fucking just counterfeited $20 trillion and threw it into the country, into the economy and like how we're fighting a never-ending

fucking war that bankrupted this country, I don't know how many times in every August we just print more fucking money, you know, with nothing behind it, it just causes inflation and no one wants to look at that, no one wants to look at the people who fucking did it, people want to defend the people that did it because they wear the color tie that they like, it's the whole fucking thing is stupid and they all get away with it. So I'm hoping against hope that eventually people will rise above all of that dumb shit and not take the system down because it's too big to do that, I would just, as individuals, just try to ignore it and focus on yourself, grow your own food, I don't know what to do about the money supply, but we all just somehow just looked out for each

other. So then no matter what gloom and doom thing that they did, you'd be like, yeah, you know, it's not going to happen, it'll be fine. I don't think there's going to be a giant race war because I've read enough books and I have a nice wide variety of friends that I know that what you're saying is bullshit, you know, or you can choose to have your head in the fucking sand and watch CNN and Fox and have them scare the fucking shit out of you every goddamn day while never giving you a, you know, never giving you any solutions. You know, it's fucking hilarious. Donald Trump's team is just emailing this shit out of me and I will not put him in trash because the subject lines are just fucking hilarious.

Here's one, Donald J. Trump, it just says unbelievable. And that could be like, I'm unbelievable, I am the greatest, or can you believe what Sleepy Joe just did? I love that he can call him Sleepy Joe because he's a Democrat and it's not making fun of dementia. Like Donald Trump can literally do anything. The guy fucking made fun of John McCain, a prisoner of war, a war hero. He called him a loser who got caught and all of these people, America love it or leave it, support the troops, didn't give a fuck because he wore a red tie and was saying what they wanted to hear. It's fucking amazing. This fucking guy is amazing. I know that there's somebody on the liberal left. I just don't have them right now that I know is doing the exact same thing.

That guy who kept taking his dick out of New York. I don't know what party he was in. I don't pay attention to it. Here's another one. Team Trump and it says and you can have it. Like I don't even know it's all like we need to have something that grabs the eye that makes them want to open the thing. I mean, we could see here. What else do I got here? Congratulations was another one I got from him. Will you step up? Read one more here. There was an epic shirt seen at something. Did you see what happened at my rally in Alaska? I called some front row patriots onto my rally stage because of the incredible Trump rally shirts they were wearing. After I saw this amazing shirt, I knew I had to have them ready to go for you for patriots like

you. This guy's selling merch. Did you see what the three people in Alaska were wearing that we paid them to wear? So then we brought it up on stage and act like it was an improvised moment so we could sell some t-shirts. Anyway, I thought that this is my one question about that guy. What business is this guy running that he has time to just walk away from all of his businesses, be president, lose the election, rerun, lose, and then never stop running and start making like fucking, hey, some fans made a cool t-shirt about the shit that I do. We should mass produce this. He sounds like a fucking podcaster. Oh, people, we're in a rock and a hard place. We got this fucking jerk off coming back to go up against the current president who can't even ride a bicycle,

can't go upstairs, shouldn't drive a fucking car, let alone give a speech. I mean, we got to do better than this. What I'm hoping is Biden doesn't win the nomination. And we got somebody like in their 40s with their faculties for the Democrats. And then the Republicans come with somebody in their 40s with their faculties. Okay, their faculties, meaning both of them are way more towards the middle. Okay, and we just sort of abandoned the Jesus Freaks and the hairy-legged white chicks, those lunatics, all right, the people too in their fields on both sides. And we just kind of get back to, why doesn't everybody just fucking relax? Everybody have a sandwich, everybody calm down. Everything's going to be all right, even though it isn't. All right, sorry. Why am I

talking politics? I don't know, it's sort of fucking inevitable. It is what happens. But as I mentioned before, believe it or not, the Los Angeles Dodgers. I mean, can you imagine this little team that could, this $250 million team that could, whatever they spent this year, it now has the best record in baseball because Yankees went on a little bit of a skid here. Let's check out. Let's check out the standings if I can. I think the Red Sox are in last place. The only thing good about that is we do have a tough, we do have a tough division. So we're only a couple of games under 500 and we're already in the last place. Teams. All right, here we go. What are they just trying to sell me merch here? Scores, schedule, stats, standings. All right, let's look in because this is where a lot of casual

fans tap out. The Yankees with a commanding. What do they have? They have like a, they have a 12-game lead over Toronto. Three games behind Toronto is the Tampa Bay Lightning, Tampa Bay double raise, Tampa Bay raise. Then the Baltimore Orioles at 51 and 51 are a half a game ahead of the Boston Red Sox. Incredible. Toronto went eight and two, the last 10 Yankees went five and five. So Toronto picked up three games. They picked up three games on them. We'll see what happens. And then the rest of the Houston's good this year. Hang on, buddy. I'm doing, I'm wrapping up the podcast. Nobby in the AL Central seems to be doing anything. Houston's got a 67 and 36. Jesus Christ. They'd only be two games behind the Yankees. This is not a foregone conclusion. The Mets,

they are the Mets though. Lana has a decent record, Dodgers best record, best record in the friggin league. All right, let's look at team leaders here, shall we? We're going to do a little baseball here. What do we got here? Stats, stats and more stats. Dude, they were showing like reverse web gems on ESPN. And I swear to God, out of like the 15 bloopers they showed, like three of them were the Red Sox. Just our guys losing fly balls. They, how many more times are they going to show that inside the park, fucking home run? The Blue J guy had. All right, let's see here. What is this here? Here. Regular season. Is this batting average?

I swear to God, how fucking difficult can you make a goddamn website? Hitting, okay. Select a player. It's not what I want to do. I don't want to select a player. I want to see leaders. Regular season. All-star game. No, okay. Regular season, year-to-date, standard, expanded. Select a player pool. All players qualified. Select a split home and way. I just want to see who's got the best fucking batting average. Oh, this is on base percentage. All right, so who's got the best average? Who's leading the league in fucking home runs? All right. Justin Verlander, lowest ERA in the American league. We're getting somewhere now. All right. Miami Marlins, Sandy Alcantrera, Cantara, Dylan Cease,

Shane, what the fuck are all the Yankees? I thought they had a bunch. Oh, there he is. Nesta Cortez. I don't like the Yankees, but I like that guy. I like that guy. Oh, that's in the whole league. All right. How about some fucking home runs here? All right. I give up with this shit. MLB league leaders. League leaders. All right. Here we go. Here we go. ESPN.com. All right. 333 batting average. Lewis. Oh my God. Areas. A-R-R-A-E-Z. I'm too white to pronounce that properly. My apologies. Major league wins by pitcher Justin Verlander Houston. Now, how the fuck are the Yankees not in there with all of those goddamn wins?

Because they're spreading it around. All right. Home runs is Aaron Judge. 40 fucking two. 42. And those are legit. No steroids. None of that shit. I buy that. I 100% buy that. That's fucking Paul Bunyan going up there. Runs batted in. Aaron Judge. 91. And we got hits. I love hits. I like that stat. Freddie Freeman. Freddie Freeman. What a great name. LA Dodgers. 128 hits. These offensive numbers seem like down other than what Aaron Judge is doing. The pitching is just too fucking good now. They're talking about maybe lowering the mound again. I mean, it's already down to an eight cup. What the fuck are they going to have up there?

Stolen base is 28. When's the next Ricky Henderson going to come along? Quality starts. I don't even know what that stat is. Strikeouts. There you go. Garrett Cole. New York Yankees. 162. That's something. That's a badass stat. Just punching them out. Good shit. I mean, it'd be better if I saw a fucking Red Sox somewhere in there, but you know what? I'm hanging in there with them. That's what I'm doing. So anyway, people, that is the podcast for this week. I'm going to have the great Paul Verzi's out here. We're going to knock out some of those anything betters. I just got so busy with the movie. He got busy promoting his special. And we live on the opposite side of the country

here. So we're going to knock out some of those this week. And thank you to everybody that's been watching my stand up special live at Red Rocks. Please tell your friends about it. I'm very proud of it. And I think that's it. What do I have coming up next? My next gig is I'm doing Arthur Ashe Stadium in Queens, New York. And I was so tempted to go out and get a wig and a headband and go out is 1970s John McEnroe. If I didn't need my beard for something, but I just feel it's going to look stupid if I do it. And I got the beard. This is what I was going to do. I can't say I was going to do it because I might still do it. I'm not doing it. I'm not dressing up, but I'm still going to. I might do a little Johnny Mac though.

I'll tell you about it later. What a silly job I have. Okay, that's only these Vistalight drums. I kind of like that they track you, you know? Look at this. I mean, I'm on ESPN's website. And then I got sponsored headline, Ludwig Vistalight Fab Three Piece Shell Pack Green. And then they got one Black Sparkle Smoke in Black. Wait, that's still available? That's not going to be the 24, is it? It's going to be the 22. Oh, this is one of these things. I'm going to click on this and they're going to say like it's not available. That was the 50 year anniversary one. What sizes are these? What sizes are these? The Shell Pack. Yeah, it's a 22. Yeah, go fuck yourself. I'm not buying that shit. All right,

I'm babbling here. All right, that's the podcast everybody. I'm going to go play with my kids. All right. Thank you to everybody that came out in Montreal. Have a great couple of days and go fuck yourself.