Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-10-15

Episode Date: August 10, 2015

Bill rambles about buying a new head, jungle gyms and Frank Gifford.

Hey, what's going on, it's Bill Barr, and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, August 10, 2015. How's it going? How are you? What are you doing? Huh? What are you doing? It's Monday. Did you get through it? Are you listening to it on the way home, on the way there? I put it up early this week, or at least I tried to. I have my brand new, I switched internet carriers because I just wasn't getting any, it's taking me forever to upload these podcasts. And I'm all psyched now. So I got this new fucking internet, right? It's such a racket. My old internet sucked in every room in the house. My new internet is unbelievable in the living room and you can't get any connection anywhere else. Nowhere else will fucking let you

on and it's frustrating, but whatever. I uploaded my Thursday podcast, it uploaded in like 17 seconds and it usually was taking me like a half hour to upload 30 fucking minutes. Um, just because where I live, there's, there's, you know, it's a low signal, which evidently isn't a bad thing because I just ran into this fucking lady and she was telling me all this shit about fucking electromagnetic shit passing through your fucking head and was telling me, uh, yeah, turn off your router every night, give your, your body a chance to get rid of all of this shit. And, uh, I, who the fuck knows, you know, I guess when she was trying to claim that when you, when you sign that fucking Apple agreement, there's something that you never read. You just

sign it that there's something in there that basically says, yeah, if this laptop gives you ball cancer or fucking brain cancer with the phone, you can't sue us and all of that type of shit, which is totally believable because all they got to do is just push that through Congress and none of those cunts make any money and they need the money of the rich people. So they go, hey, you want to fucking still be in office? Well, do you? You still want that side piece and your own private subway over to the fucking thing there under the Capitol or the past this goddamn bill? And they go, all right, that's why we have fucking income taxes. Why we have all of this fucking shit's why I love Donald Trump during that Republican debate. He actually have

to shit. You cunts told me I should be walking around with tinfoil on my head. He fucking said it during the debate. He goes, you give a politician money, they'll do whatever you want. And he goes, I've given everybody money up here on this panel. And it was like 10 guys and only one guy goes, it's fucking hilarious. They'll do whatever you want. So they go, well, what'd you give to the Clintons for? What do they want? He goes, I wanted Hillary to go to my wedding. And you know what? The bitch showed up. She fucking showed up. So there you go. I don't know what the fuck that has to do with routers. But I feel vindicated. All you cunts forever was sitting there telling me that I got my fucking my tinfoil hat on because I didn't think it made a bit of difference

whether you voted in a fucking Republican or a Democrat because, you know, those fucking cunts got enough money to put money on both horses. So this shit's still getting pushed through, right? That's why when they go on the fucking debates, they don't talk about the population problem. They don't talk about genetically altered food. They don't talk about fucking anything. Running out of water, they know all they talk about is fucking broads getting jobs and education and fucking and whatever the fuck would do it over there and supporting the troops. You know what I mean? Hey, am I out of my fucking mind here? Didn't we defeat Germany and Japan in like three and a half, four years? It's like four and a half years. Along with the Italians and

whatever else was with the fucking Germans, right? We got that fucking, we got a world war. We got a fucking world war done collectively. When the fuck did it start? 3940 was over by 45. Five years we got the shit over with. What are we doing now? We're over there with these fucking console. They got us a jungle gym. 15 years into this shit, 14 fucking years into it. You know what it was? What the world war two was, we had no intentions of taking over the country and staying there. That's what it is. We have an occupation going on here. So what are you going to do? You're fucking there. You know, you're over there trying to build a Starbucks, you know, put up a Staples, you know, you're just going to be constantly engaging with the enemy over there. I don't know, man.

Where the fuck do I get off talking about something that big? Hey, you know what? This is my podcast. What are you going to do about it? I'll tell you what you're going to do. You're going to sit right there and you're going to fucking listen to it. Oh, no, you shut it off. I don't give a shit. Um, anyway, so I finally have some good internet and evidently, uh, because I went from 0.30 megabytes per minute signal. Now I have like 300 per minute. Now I can upload a podcast in two seconds, but I'm probably going to fucking die in like a year and a half from the fucking beam that's coming from the thing that floats over your house out there in space, right? The satellite.

How come fucking Steve Jobs died of cancer? Pancreatic cancer. You know what that was from, right? All those years of having that laptop sitting on his stomach. He was trying to beat old Billy Gates, right? There he is, having assigned the fucking agreement. This might give you cancer and he got fucking, he got killed by his own monster. It's like one of those Frankenstein movies, right? Fucking laptop picked him right up and threw him right in the lake and old Steve, he couldn't swim, could he? Nope. They had those gray new balances, weighed them down, took them right down to the bottom of the lagoon. He died an angry man from what I heard. Where'd you hear that build? Ah, by some guy who didn't fucking know him.

That's why I hear most of my shit. Um, anyways, so I have not boozed. Oh God, I miss it. Oh, I miss it. So somebody gave me the green light to booze too. I was like, well, you know, I'm not an alcoholic, but I was definitely drinking like one. And this person was like, well, I came from a family of alcoholics. When you drink, does it get in the way of your life? Cause is your life, you're not able to function if you don't have it? I was like, no, she goes in on an alcoholic. I was like, that was fucking great. Can you do that? And the next time I get fat, can you tie your shoes? Yeah, well, you know, fat. Okay, just keep eating a banana split. Who the fuck orders a banana split past the age of like six or seven?

Are you out of your fucking mind? Why don't you just stick a gun in your mouth, spin the barrel and pull the trigger fucking banana split. You know what's funny about the banana split that back in the day, that was like you ordered every flavor of ice cream. You know, back in the day, there was vanilla, strawberry and chocolate. That was it. And you got it from the farmer down the street and there was no fucking electromagnetic bullshit flying through your fucking head as you sat there. You walked in, right? When you were like, hey, Clem, yeah, yeah, yeah, give me all of them. Give me a scoop, everything. I want to pay your fucking mortgage tonight by ordering three scoops of fucking pay your mortgage for the

month by ordering three scoops of fucking ice cream. Not only one banana split in half, sticking on both sides, like a banana fucking ice cream sandwich. Oh, doesn't that sound delicious? I'm hallucinating that I've since July 5th, I haven't any chips, I haven't any fucking ice cream, no cookies, no cake, no fucking fast food, no nothing. And I'm in great shape. And you know what, I'm bored. I'm bored. I miss the highs of sugar, the lows of the salt coming back down. All right. We want to thank you for flying. We know you have a lot of choices out there, right? You're fucking shoving the salt in after you went through the stratosphere with the sugar, getting too high like fucking Chuck Yeager. When you do that, huh, you open up a fucking bag of

jacks, you stick that orange shit right down your fucking throat, don't you? Coming in for a landing. People, please refrain from standing up. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about either. Don't feel lost. All right. So anyways, I had my way in today. All right. And I needed to be 174. 174. And I weighed in at 173.6. Oh, freckles is fucking killing it. I've lost 13 pounds on the nose. Dan Marino, number 13. Ken Lidsman, number 13. I don't know who else was number 13. Whatever. There's two people. 13 fucking pounds, 13 pounds. And I'm actually finally people are starting to go, hey, you're losing weight. That's how fucking fat I was. I lose 13 pounds just to kind of be out of shape. You know, my man titties are going away. You know, I got a little belly. You know what I

mean? Like yeah, you ever have like a like a fucking ever see a raccoon or a squirrel goes out and eats a whole pumpkin that sits there with its fucking belly all distended. That's what I look right now. I look like a fucking squirrel. They ate a pumpkin. And you're like, Bill, why did you come up with that? Because I saw it. I fucking saw a squirrel after it did it. And it was fucking sitting there. The big distending. I got a trucker belly. But it was adorable. That's the kind of stomach I have right now. So anyways, Jesus Christ, I got what I got to do. I got another what was my goal 162. I'm going down low this time. I'm getting fucking skinny and then building back up with the muscle.

Right. Then I'm coming back on the booze and I figured by the end of the year, I can be over two bills. That's good for you. Whatever. I'm psyched to be back down to this goddamn weight. I feel bad. I am in. I am in. Remember I was telling you guys like the different shape. There's with a jacket on in shape, right? Jacket off in shape button down shirt shape button down tucked in shape. Did I say sport coat in there somewhere? There's a sport coat after the jacket is a sport coat, then there's a button down shape. Then there's T shirt on tuck shape. That's where I'm at. Then there's tucked in T shirt. Then there's no T shirt. And then the granddaddy of them all

sitting down, no shirt on, still have a flat stomach. The only thing you have is those little fucking wrinkles because you know, if you actually reach up to get some cereal, you don't want the skin to tear. You need like you need it for when you reach anyways, any fucking ways. All right. So what should I talk about next? Oh, rest in peace, Frank Gifford, man. I'm actually really sad about that. I'm not even gonna lie to you, man. That guy was, uh, he was the fucking man. He had such a great voice. I mean, he was part of basically, he can't say he replaced Keith Jackson. He replaced him on Monday night football and Keith Jackson, Dandy Don Meredith and Howard Cosell. There's never been a better

announcing team, at least in football, as far as I'm concerned. And I just remember being as a little kid, when my dad would actually let me stay up and watch at least the first quarter, came on at nine o'clock at night. So I'd get to stay up to like 939 40 when they would start that show. And Frank Gifford would, I mean, Howard Cosell would be doing the highlights. That's where I got that thing when I was still doing the DraftKings thing because of that man, right there. Our rethinal James Simpson, right? And he gets you all fucking amped up for the fucking game. And then they'd immediately come back with Frank Gifford, who just had the best fucking voice ever. And then Dandy Don would sing a song. It was just, it was the best, man.

It was the best. They always seemed like they went out and got some drinks afterwards. It's just, well, who's kidding who? The kind of men that hipsters have been making fun of relentlessly, and nerds have made fun of for whatever, just basically the guy's guy for whatever reason, the guy's guy is, I don't know, I guess, because most writers are nerds. So they resent the guy's guy. Because when they walk into the room, they've never held court, I guess, I don't know what it is. Not saying I'm a guy's guy, but I would fucking love to hang out with those guys. And I would shut the fuck up when they told stories. You know, I don't know, it just seems like every fucking commercial now is if there's a guy in it, right? If he's not being a complete moron with some woman

rolling her fucking eyes, it's always like some guy out in the woods. And he's like fucking, you know, got a bear and a headlock and chopping down a tree with his foot, just this overly ridiculously manly shit. That's annoying to me. That's something to aspire to, to be an outdoorsman. You know, be out there in the woods, see something big and furry and fucking take it out, you know, like that dentist did when he went over to Africa. I mean, say what you will, takes a lot of balls to smuggle a fucking lion's head out of Africa, doesn't it? As a dentist, the fuck do you get off doing some CIA shit like that? You just got done doing a fucking composite on Friday, on Monday, you're coming back with a lion's head. It's incredible.

I don't, I don't condone it. I'm a big fan of fucking animals, which is why, you know, at the end of the day with all these electromagnetic fields, taking a bunch of people out in the future, that really doesn't bug me. You know, it doesn't bug me. We got it. It's time for us to go. At least like then the herd, right? Maybe these corporations are doing a good thing. They're fucking, they're making like a corporation raid. You know, kills bugs dead. Maybe a bunch of, oh my God, can you imagine the fucking nerds that are going to be dropping? You know, the full amount of fucking nerds that are going to die and then Jesus Christ, then what are we going to do? Go back to the fucking Stone Age. You need nerds,

just like you need the guy's guy, right? You got to have somebody out there doing extra manly shit. You know what kills me is the amount of people that are making fun of Frank Gifford. He had one fucking affair. You know, if he had more than that, fuck you. You walk a day in his fucking cleats, being the star fucking half back. You know, the New York Giants, you played in the greatest game ever played against the fucking Colts. You won a championship. You played for USC, you know, your high school football team. I mean, football stadium in Bakersfield, California is named after you. Let's see you handle that fucking those beautiful women throwing themselves at you. You know,

Kathy Lee is giving you shit about where you're putting your shoes and all of that. Then you go out and there she is batting her fucking eyes at you. You know, you walk a day in those fucking you fucking don't do anything. Then you could judge Frank until then you shut your fucking ringless championship fingers. Championship ring less fingers. I think that's how I'm supposed to say it. Anyways, yeah, so that's it. They're all gone. Keith Jackson is the last one and this is all making me feel very, very fucking old. This whole changing of the guard, man. All of these guys, Vince Scully, Keith Jackson, Frank Gifford, Howard Cassell, all these guys, you know,

as these new guys, these snarky fucking cunts who come in and sit there taking the piss out of the fucking athletes, that ESPN thing, which was kind of funny at first when they made the highlights kind of funny, but I don't, I don't like it now. You're a nerd. That's why you're behind a desk. That guy's an athlete and he's better than you and you want his life. Quit taking potshots at him when he's not around. And I could say that because I never take potshots on athletes on this podcast. Yes, I do. I've done it all the fucking now. I fucking hypocrite. What do you want from me? Well, we'd like a quality podcast every once in a while. Oh, will you stop with the hurtful shit? All right, what am I doing here? Let's let's read some advertising here.

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All right, let's blow through these this week. What do we say? How people only got two more. All right, here's the newbies, the newbies on the block, fresh fish, fresh fish. Next issue. Oh, our friends here at Next Issue. Your time is precious and you want to feed your mind with the best of what's out there. But who has time to sift through all the nonsense on the internet? Hey, I'm on the internet. My podcast is all you call my podcast. Call it nonsense. For those of us who want premium content and don't have time to waste finding it, there's Next Issue. Next Issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere using your phone or tablet. They got all your favorites like Sports Illustrated,

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Fuck you, Jimmy Page. I'm done. I'm done with you coming up with the same bag of fucking goods and it just put a different fucking wrapper on it. And then, you know, with some never was seen, never before seen photos at all of that shit. So I ignored the first one. I ignored the second one. And now the final one came out. Led Zeppelin presence. Led Zeppelin in through the outdoor and Led Zeppelin coda. And I guess the coda one has been getting some rave reviews. So I finally said, fuck it. And I went down and I bought all three of them, but I didn't buy the box thing that came with a booklet. Listen, never seen before photos, but 99% of them have already fucking seen, you know.

And I haven't had to listen to it yet, but I went down and I bought those. I didn't get, but I didn't get the whole big fucking thing with the CDs and all that goddamn horseshit. And Jimmy promises this is the last time that he's going to repackage this shit. And I did pretty good this time. I only bought, I only bought like one, one issue of it. I know one of them, they won't like the very, you know, the, that hey, hey, what can you do? Like it's still obscure. It's like, you can listen to that whenever you want on the internet. And it's also, you fucking release that on some box set. I remember in the 90s, the one that had the fucking shadow of the Zeppelin over the cornfields, right?

Isn't that what happened? I don't fucking know. I don't know. But I've been playing drums like a fucking maniac and I've been taking lessons trying to work on my technique. And it turns out I was doing everything wrong. So literally today I'm learning how to hit a fucking snare drum, something I've done probably a hundred thousand times in my life, thinking I was doing it correctly. And anybody who plays drums, if you ever get a chance to just break down everything that you do, it's fucking amazing. This teacher I have, and he showed me all this stuff where, just even like where I was hitting the shaft of the stick on the hi-hat, I was hitting it where it was starting to taper. So I wasn't getting, it was getting more of a tinny sound and he had me

move it up. That was night and day. The molar method of just my arm totally fucking relaxed, getting a better sound. And then today he was showing me something and I was playing something on the bell of the cymbal. And because of the way I was holding the stick, like whenever I hit the bell, you could hear the bell, but it never sounded good. But now because I wasn't choking the shit out of the stick, like the stick has a different sound and it makes a different note. It makes it more like it's like a brighter, it was like I was choking on the stick, which was choking off the sound of the cymbal, all the drums and all of that type of thing. And I would get fucking blisters and shit. And I always thought, oh, I haven't played in a while. So I got blisters.

It's like, no, you're dope. You're holding your fucking stick wrong. So I don't know. So I'm going to just do that like 15 times a day. It'd be like if you drove a car for 20 fucking years, and all of a sudden somebody showed you a different way to drive a car. And if you want, but as you got behind the wheel, it'd be totally uncomfortable and you couldn't drive it as well as you could. And the temptation to just go back to the other fucking way is the biggest battle out of all of it. But I am going to, I'm going to stick with it. And as I do with shit, I try to stick with shit. Once I start to learn, speaking of that, man, I think all my shit's going to come this week for me, for the big green egg, and I'm finally going to try and

smoke something, fuck it up and then fix it. So I'm going to get the smallest pork shoulder. Maybe I'll just get some ribs. I'll try smoking those fucking things to see if I can actually get from able to keep it at a certain temperature. I still don't get how you fucking do it. I've watched all these goddamn YouTube videos. I actually was on PBS today, watching a barbecue show. By the way, PBS, unbelievably underrated. PBS, it's like you watch something and then they show upcoming programs. It's like I want to watch all of that. That all seems cool. So anyways, but you know something, I'm all over the fucking map today. Speaking of Frank Gifford, which I was like 20 goddamn minutes ago.

Football season. How far away is it? Now it starts in the second week of September. Is that what the fuck it is? I have no idea. All I know is Tom Brady comes back in the fifth week, nice and rested, nice and pissed off. So I'm fucking excited about that. I know college football starts, I think like the first week, maybe of September. I was sitting there fucking looking for something to watch today. I watched a couple seconds of the WNBA and I was like, all right, let me find a baseball game, which I couldn't find because I don't have the MLB package. So there was no game on when I turned it on. So then I watched a whole thing on that 13-year-old girl that pitched the Little League World Series, watched something on her, then went back to the

WNBA and it's just, next thing you know, I'm watching like a fucking, how to smoke meat on PBS because there's absolutely nothing going on. Maybe that's why they're doing all this Tom Brady shit. It's just like completely fucking a slow news day. Nobody knows what the, you know, like what do you do? Fucking, I am like the amount of, that's maybe that's why I'm doing all this shit, learn how to play drums, taking the fucking auto rotation class, all of that shit. I'm getting those things down, everybody, the 180 autos, getting it down. No, you guys don't give a fuck about any of this. Let me, here's something for you. I bought those fucking Zeppelin things on vinyl and I want to tell you guys that the reason why I buy vinyl is because I just think it looks

cool. It's a nice, you can actually see what the album cover looks like. You can hold it in your hand, you know, it doesn't, you know, all of a sudden have a little cloud next to it and then I got to buy it again or something crashes. I like that, but I'm, I'm going to be the first to tell you, I cannot tell the difference even remotely between vinyl, a cassette tape, a CD or fucking digital. I have no idea what little Stephen is talking about and all these fucking rock stars that have seen it. I am not going to be that guy that goes, it sounds better. Huh? Can, can you hear that? Can you hear that bass drum pedal? That sounds the exact fucking same to me. Same thing with all those reissued guitars is a reissued 1959 Les Paul. Here's a real one. You hear the difference?

No, sir, not at all. That's probably because I have shitty ears, but you know what? There's a bliss in that. You know, that's how you can drive a Prius. I drove a goddamn 2008 Prius in traffic right next to a fucking Lamborghini today. I did it. You know, what the fuck's he going? Dude, if you have a, if you drive a Lamborghini down the street, you're a fucking jerk off. The only time that car should be on the street is if it's driving up to a ramp to be loaded onto a truck to then be taken to the track. What kind of a fucking asshole? I guess you drive around and just women fucking drop their panties. I guess that's why you do it. You know, but then by all means, don't date, don't date some woman that just runs up to your Lamborghini. You can't

fucking date that. You can't. What you got to do is you got to drive around like a fucking Ford Escort station wagon, right? And then start hitting on women. You know, well, I mean, that's too, that's too much. That's too much of a test. What kind of fucking woman wants that? You know, they're allowed to have standards. You know, oh, are we built? Thank you. Yeah. I'd say drive around in a fucking, a late model, maybe a Nissan Leaf. Just drive around. Yeah, I'd be a fucking interesting, like fucking prank show. If you had a guy, he pulls up in a Nissan Leaf and he fucking hits on some chick, right?

She tells him to fuck off and he drives away in his fucking electric car. And he drives around the corner, he puts on a fake mustache and a hat, and now he's in a Lamborghini just to see that they're a different fucking attitude. But is that really fair? That's not fair, is it? Why wouldn't a woman want to talk to a guy in a Lamborghini? What is she supposed to do? You know, what woman lays in beds going, you know, at some day I'm going to meet my prince charming and he's going to pull up in a Nissan Leaf. They don't think that, do they? I don't know what they think. Why would I talk for them? Do you think Caitlyn knows what they think now or Bruce now knows because now he's Caitlyn?

You ever think about that? Do you think Caitlyn looks in the mirror every once in a while and talks to Bruce? I can't, I can't imagine what that must be like. You know what I mean? Because if you wanted to do that, right, now you've freed yourself. But then you know what I mean? Don't you miss the other person a little bit? Then you have all his fucking memories. You're like fucking Robocop. You know, you start having like flashbacks and shit. I don't know. I don't fucking know. All I know is I wish Bruce gave a farewell. That would have been awesome. You know what I mean?

I had a great time being Bruce. He sold a lot of weedies didn't we? You know? Won that to Kathalon. I was on chips, right? I had a great time with all you guys and I want to thank all of you for being there for me. This is it. This is a living wake for fucking Bruce Jenner and then he just walks off. You get to give him one more standing ovation. I think that's what fucks me up. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. You know? Which happens when somebody fucking dies, but he didn't die. He just became Caitlyn. I got to meet her and see if I can just be like Caitlyn. Do you mind if I ask Bruce a question? Or can I ask a Bruce question? How do I phrase this without getting in trouble with you?

Glancing down at her feet, you know? See if you can fucking see all those years of running track and field down there, you know? I think Caitlyn goes with a closed-toe shoe, wouldn't you? Probably his hammer toes. You can't do all those events without him fucked up feet, you know what I mean? I mean, Jesus Christ, if you danced in Wicked on a rake stage for fucking five seasons, you're feeding him to be fucked up for life. That's a goddamn musical. This guy, this guy, he went to fucking to Caitlyn. Jesus Christ. This guy be some fucked up fucking. We've got the most fucked up feet.

Basketball players, tennis players. Oh, by the way, I'm reading this Andre Agassi autobiography that somebody gave me, man. It's fucking unbelievable. Jesus Christ. I'm only like the first 60 pages. He had one of those dads that just decided that it's like, hey, guess what you're doing? You're going to be the number one tennis player in the world. And you're sitting there like, I just want to play with my Legos. And he's like, shut the fuck up. Get outside. I built you a tennis court. And then you go out there and you just do that every fucking day and you don't want to do it. It's unbelievable. And what fucking kills me is he didn't want to do it. And he's still one Wimbledon. He still won the US Open.

Did he win the French? I'm not sure. Did he get the Korea Grand Slam? Oh, I think that's time to look it up. Let's put this Apple computer that might be fucking radiating my nuts right now. All right, hang on a second. I actually thought for half a second that if I did get it, at least I'd get a flat fucking stomach. How obsessed am I with this shit? All right, Andre Agassi crushed me when I found out I was fucking two years old. Oh, and look at that. Oh, the internet doesn't work in here. Isn't that fucking wonderful? Jesus fucking Christ. I give up with this shit. Do you know today I want to use the calculator on my phone and I don't know what button I hit. It just fucking kept doubling the number and I couldn't

get it to stop. And I kept hitting clear. And I finally I just set the fucking thing down. I went over, I got a fucking pencil and a pen, a pen, I'm sorry, and a pad of paper and I just worked it out the old fucking way. And you know what? My brain and my hand will never be obsolete until I die, right? Then who gives a fuck because I'm dead, you know? You know, it's upgraded. I don't have to get the new one, right? Isn't that weird? Everything about that, your hands, the same fucking hand that you've been jerking off with since you figured out how to do it. Isn't that unreal? You ever think about that, your body, my fucking hand is 47 fucking years old.

Are you thinking in the future you can just get like new shit? You know what I mean? Like on your car, how your starter goes after a while, then you got to get a new starter, then you're fine. Because a car will last forever if you just keep replacing the parts. I think that that's what they're working on doing, you know? But God knows that won't be available to us if they ever figured out how to fucking do that, right? They keep it for themselves. This is where the conspiracy theory guy comes in. If they don't have it already. But they would keep that shit for themselves, right? And they just keep fucking, you know, unscrewing and then re screwing a new fucking head on their body like a goddamn light bulb,

you know? Then in the future you can pick out different heads. Like what do you want to look like? You know what I mean? You can just try out everything. You want to be looking like a schlub, but you could be like every fucking race, every hairstyle, you know? You just keep putting your brain in there and be like getting a new fucking car every couple of years. Who doesn't want to do that? Would you do it? Would you just ride it out? But anyways, I think that they're going to fucking, they're going to have it, right? No, because they already can grow like a fucking ear in a Petri dish, right? They could do that for years. Then all of a sudden they stopped talking about it. They grow ear in a fucking Petri dish. And then all of a sudden there was no more talk

about it. You know those fuckers didn't stop with, I bet they can do the whole head now. Think about it, man. Where did Dick Cheney go? He's got all those problems with his heart, right? Where the fuck did he go? I bet he's off somewhere getting a new fucking heart, getting a new ticker, you know what I mean? Like a new crate motor came in the other day. Wouldn't that be fucking awesome? Then you just keep going. You know what it is? Is the temptation to sell that to the masses, you know, all the fucking money that you could make. Because that's what the fuck they're into, right? They'd eventually have to do it. And then they would give us, you know, we wouldn't get as good as fucking heads as they got.

They'd be like whiskey. They'd be drinking like Scotch, like top shelf fucking shit. And we would just get like, you know, the blood light of heads, you know, keystone light, fucking heart or hands or some shit. That would be like, that'll be, that's going to be the goal in the future. To make enough money that you can actually, you know, when you get your replacement head, you can actually get a good one, like a decent looking one, you know? You go out and you fucking get a deal or some shit. You come into some money and your parents can be like, all right, I don't go out there and blow it all in a head. Save some for feet and

hands in the future. But mom, if I have a better head, I can get a better broad. Oh, you don't need to do that. You just save up money and you buy the broad you're with a better head. She loves you for who you are. Shut up. You think, can you see that in the future? I can. Oh, I see a future where heads will be sold. Where do they get their heads? Well, they grew up. Then they'll have like bootleg heads. You have to get like you be, you got to have like your own fucking head farm. You got to be like, it's got to be like sanctioned by the government, regulated and all that shit. And Tarzada today, a raid on a bootleg head farm, right? And then a big fucking greenhouse with a

bunch of heads in there. Everybody running out. And then Denzel plays the fucking greatest fucking bootleg head dealer ever. You know, he's got a bunch of fucking heads behind him. Right. And everybody's like, well, that fucking movie is just like his other movie, just with heads. Oh yeah, well, you fucking right one. You cunt. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. How many minutes is that? I'm just trying to fill time here. Who gives a shit? All right, by the way, everybody, if you'd like to donate to this podcast, here's an easy way to do it that won't cost you any fucking money. Next time you're going to Amazon, just go to build, go to my website first, click on the podcast page and then click on the Amazon link. Then

you're on Amazon. No fucking big deal. Right. And then they kick money back to me for driving traffic there. It doesn't cost you any money. 10% of the money I kick back to St. Jude. In fact, I owe those fuckers a check this week. You know, I actually, you know, when I buy shit on Amazon, I go through my website. What a cheap prick, huh? I'm becoming that old guy, the old penny pitcher. Anyway, so if you would like to send an email into this podcast, it's bill at themmpodcast.com. All right, bill at themmpodcast.com. That's where you send the shit. Uh, poster information. If listeners who ordered a Southern tour poster have not received it yet, they should email billburrmerch at gmail.com. Include the name, address, order number.

Boston tour posters will arrive within the next 10 to 14 days if they haven't already. All right. I know we're kind of slow with the posters, but everybody else was like, hey, we'll send out your posters and we're going to take 90% of the profit. So I kind of doing it in-house here. So, you know, cut me some fucking slack. All right. And if you really can't wait, I'll refund you goddamn money. All right, relax. It's just a fucking poster. Um, oh, by the way, I have a big announcement. I'm pregnant now that I'm I'm making, I'm making today. Um, as of Monday, August 10th at 9pm tonight, 9pm tonight, um, tickets go on sale. I'm doing Madison Square Garden, if you can believe it.

Oh, Billy fucking red cakes is playing Madison Square Garden on Saturday, November 14th. Um, I'll have, I'll tweet out all the shit. I don't have the information right now. They're going to send it to me tomorrow morning, which is your morning right now. So I've already tweeted it out and the, uh, the pre-sale is going to be tomorrow starting at 9pm, uh, east coast time. And the pre-sale code is all you do is you type in Larry legend 33. One more time for all you Nick fans out there, Larry legend 33, uh, I'm playing Madison Square Garden and, uh, they asked me if I wanted to name the show and I was like, of course, and there's only one thing I could name it. Come on. I'm doing standup and Madison Square Garden led Zeppelin

shot. The song remains the same in that building. What do I name my special? Come on, think. Does anybody remember laughter? Do you remember that? Well, Robert Plant said that he gets so much shit for saying that. He said that, uh, during the, uh, stay away to heaven, right? He's like in the forest will echo with laughter. Does anybody remember laughter? Everybody's shit on him because it was very topical. They shot that in like 73 or 74. So the Vietnam war was winding down in the last 10 years. Anybody with a vision was shot and killed by a lone crazed gunman, both Kennedys, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Medgar Evers, all these fucking great people got whacked and, uh, watergate was going on. The

fucking gas prices were going up through the fucking roof or petrol. Who's the fucking English people say? It is all, that was a legitimate question in 1973. Does anybody remember laughter? But then, you know, the 80s came and everybody's on coke. What the fuck is this guy talking about? I'm laughing all the way to the bank. But fuck, Screed is good. So yeah, so that's the name of the show. Does anybody remember laughter? And I like it because Led Zeppelin fans will get it. And I also like it because people who drive by, it'll look like the most arrogant thing ever, like I'm saying, I'm the greatest comedian ever. And none of these are the comics I'm making you laugh. So yeah, so that's happening. So I'm doing that. And I already know what I'm going to do.

If they let me, if they let me, I'm going to rent a drum kit and I'm going to bring into that building. And during the day, when it's completely empty, I'm going to fucking plug in my fucking iPhone and I'm going to, I'm going to play to all my fucking Zeppelin shit, Motley crew, all that shit that I came up with. And then before the show starts, I'm removing the drum kit, because I would never make you sit through that. During the day, I'm going to have a good fucking time. Me and Paul Verzi are going to be doing it. I might add somebody else. I'm not sure yet. But as of right now, it's me and Paul Verzi. And Paul's fucking hilarious. He was all excited about, you know, because he's the biggest Nick, Nick's fan ever. And he said to me, he goes, dude,

you know, it's funny. He goes, I already know what my opening joke is going to be. He knows it in August. That's how much of a fuck I'm going to say. Somehow it has to be about the Knicks is what I'm guessing. So anyways, let's get into the questions here. And by the way, it's an unbelievable, I can't believe I'm going to get to do that. And I want to thank everybody who's come out to my shows over the years and spread the word about my shit. So I get to do that fucking thing. So that's a major, that's not even a bucket listing. That's not something I even ever even thought of ever doing. There's a couple that I want to do that I really want to do is I want to do Royal Albert Hall at some point in England. I got to do that one,

because that's another place that Zeppelin played. Although that place really seems like a tight ass place and would not let me bring a set of drums in during the day. But you never know, they might, you know, who knows. Anyways, all right, Frank Gifford, everybody. This is the first question. Bill, I'm not sure if you're going to talk about Frank Gifford's passing. Do you have a favorite Monday night football involving Gifford? Yes, everyone that he ever did. And of course, the person talks about, you know, all the women that he banged and shit, which is really a nerd thing to do. You know, don't pick on them. What are you going to do? He fucked a couple of stewardesses. Who gives a shit? So what are you? You know, I had all these other great accomplishments.

You know, the fucking guy down at home depot can't keep his dick in his pants. Frank Gifford's supposed to be a saint. The guy lived in almost every decade. I think he did a pretty good fucking job. You know, and God can't get mad at him if there's a God. God should just be throwing his hands up. Well, that's what I get for making a guy that good. This fucking great hair and being the halfback playing in New York Heisman trophy winner. Jesus Christ. That's what I made beautiful women for. For guys like this to go out and fuck. In the God in my head, that's how he talks. You know, he doesn't get mad. Do you think he really gets mad? Like when a Hitler comes on, he doesn't like look at himself like, ooh, fucked up on that one.

I must have made that one on Sunday when I was half asleep. All right, National Book Day, everybody. Actually getting back to that Frank Gifford thing like those guys were just Frank Gifford, Don Meredith and Howard Cosell. Those guys were absolute gods to me. Brian Gumbel, Bob Costas, Al Michaels, Keith Jackson, you know, just all those guys. I love Brian Gumbel and Mike Adam Lee when they used to do NFL 81, NFL 80 and all that shit. They were fucking amazing. I just grew up on all of those guys in sports. I don't know. It was just different back then. Sports was this small fucking thing of just sports fans. You know what I mean? Like the Beatles didn't play half time at the fucking Super Bowl. They just had a high school

goddamn band went out there. You know, the first two Super Bowls, they weren't even called Super Bowls. They were just called the NFL, NFL, NFL championship game. And you don't need the one of them sold out. It's fucking unreal. Like that's how small it was. He used to watch, I used to watch the local news every fucking night. He used to watch WBZ, NBC, the WBZ channel, which was the NBC affiliate. Jack Williams had just retired as Liz Walker, Bob Lobel. And Bob Lobel would do sports. It was like six, seven minutes. That was it. He had to go around the whole fucking league. And if you really wanted to see baseball highlights from around the league, you would watch this week in baseball or football, you'd watch inside the NFL on HBO. When that came out,

that was fucking unreal. Because all the other thing else you had to do, you had to wait for NFL films to come up with something. So it's totally changed. So those guys were bigger than life. Who is the guy used to be on ABC's Wide World of Sports? God damn it. I was into everything. Jackie Stewart, when he would do the Formula One racing, he had that Scottish accent. I thought was so fucking cool. Vin Scully, of course. And then you had all the local guys. And back then you had all those homers. You know, I hate sports fans that can't stand Homer announcers. There's nothing better than a fucking Homer announcer. It's the greatest. Do you know, there was a guy who used to do the Bruins in

between periods and he grew a beard and he wasn't going to shave it off until we won the cup. This guy had a fucking beard my whole goddamn life. I remember when they won it in 2011, I went on the internet, tried to find the guy to see if he finally fucking shaved it off. So yeah, these guys, you guys who are young, you'll see it someday. The people that you loved when you were a kid, when they get old and they pass away, that kid in you, it fucking makes you really sad. But then also there's also that thing like, fuck man, a couple more generations, and then it's my turn. Whatever the fuck, I'm having a great life. You know, if I died tomorrow, I had a great one. I did. All right, National Book Day. Dear Billy Shakespeare.

Of course, I used that one today. Sunday is a National Book Day. You haven't updated us on what you're reading in quite some time. Any recommendations? Yes, I'm reading the Andre Agassi biography, which I think is called Open. And it's tremendous. And the reason why I also haven't been updating you on anything that I've been reading is because I don't read that much. I tell you, my wife bought that. She bought that Kim Kardashian book of nothing but selfies. She's really into pop culture. Oh, we had that argument about it. I'm still seeing that book over by the phone, and I always have to turn it over. I always have to turn the fucking thing over. I just can't. You ever just walk by and you watch some girl doing that,

where they hold the camera up and they're trying to adjust their fucking heads to try to look better looking or this is this this angle right here is the way I look the best. You know, somebody should make a fucking this got to be a thread of just videos of people fucking doing that shit. Does it build as I have to be something like that? Do you have to be such a crabby old cunt? Yeah, that's what I'm reading right now. I'm reading the Andre Agassi Open. That's what I'm reading. And it's tremendous. And I like reading autobiographies by people that did great things, which is such a stupid thing to say because, you know, we just have some regular guy. That would be an interesting autobiography. If you just never fucking strived for anything,

you know, you just did is you just did the bare fucking minimum. He lived in a one bedroom apartment. He always had like a six of fucking Miller High Life, you know, some deviled eggs in there. That was it. You sat there and you listen to baseball games on the radio and you just stared out the fucking window. You know, there is something to be said about that. You're not hurting anybody. You know. Anyways, you know what? I got to find out the name. You know, that time a long time ago, I mean, Bobby Kelly and Jota Rosa made that short film. We were in the Tribeca Film Festival and we did and we were with this whole series of short films and this kid, I got to find out the name of this. He made this great short film.

I'll find it out from DeRosa and I always say that I'm going to find out and then I never do, but I'm gonna this time. He made this great short film about he had an uncle or his grandfather or something and he just didn't know anything about him and he lived a life like that. And when he died, he found the guy's diary. He kept the diary sort of and he was able to piece together this guy's fucking life. And it was funny because he was like, he didn't know the guy, but it was a really funny, I want to say touching, but I don't want you guys to trash me, but it was, it moved you, but it was really funny. And I figured what the fuck was the guy's line? His last words on his deathbed where that he said, that's it.

And I remember saying to DeRosa after we saw the film, I go, what do you think he meant by that? And Joe said, I don't know, but I would give my left arm to know what he meant. Like, who says that's it? Like, you know, you're gonna die. Like, what did he feel that he knew he was gonna die in that moment? I got now, I fucking primed the pump here. I got to get the name of that fucking thing. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna stand my wallet up here on the table. When I look at that, I'll be like, why did I stand it up there? And then I'll fucking remember, because if I don't, you ever do shit like that, I do. I don't give a fuck if you don't. All right, Trump, dear Billy elect, I don't agree with everything Trump says, but I wholeheartedly

believe that he's the only person that can set this country on a course of honesty. I'd rather know what a guy is actually thinking and disagree than to not know what he's thinking and to have to have faith. What are your thoughts? Um, says phone store girl. Uh, oh, no, sorry, that's the next one. Um, I 100% agree. That's why even though he said all that stupid shit about Mexicans to just, you know, having a white, like the thing about that guy, the shit he says about Mexicans and stuff like is fucked up as it is. It's like, that's what a white guy who's lived on the top floor of a skyscraper. That's, that's the kind of shit that that's the way they think. I went, I've been to the border.

Oh yeah. Did you fucking drive by in your air conditioned SUV for fucking 20 minutes? You don't know what you're talking about. I'm not trashing. I'm not trashing the guy like, dude, that fucking shit he said about the bankers again. I felt vindicated when he was going like, when they're giving him shit for declaring bankruptcy. And he goes, he goes, I've done hundreds and hundreds of deals four times, four times I've taken advantage of the bankruptcy laws. By the way, they are laws. So he's not doing anything illegal. And he goes, and by the way, let's not make out these people that loan me money to be these innocent little daisies or whatever. He goes, they're not exactly innocent. He goes, these guys are killers. He's 100% right.

100% fucking right. Having said all that, I mean, that money was also put in to the banks by mom and pop people, but it was printed out by the bankers. And it's really not our money. It's their money. And you're, they give it to you and your jobs to get into as much debt as humanly possible without going under and paying those cunts for the rest of your fucking life. They are killers. But having said that, there's, there's no way any one person could get this country in order because what would happen is if he got elected, he would threaten everybody else who got in the other way and no one would work with him in a childish way. And then they would blame him. And then the guys who put the money behind all the politicians also own newspapers

and everyone would just smear Donald Trump. And then every fucking moron who thinks they know shit about politics would be like, see, it doesn't work. It doesn't fucking work. And it'll go right back to the way that they want it to truly change any government to truly fucking change when it's as corrupt as we are in most of the other governments. I'm not just shitting on my country, but as corrupt as we are, the only way to do it is you have to have literally a revolution and people are going to die and people are going to go on trial and there's going to be fucking firing squads and all that type of shit. You know, you don't just go like, Hey, we've had enough. And then the people in power go, Oh, okay. All right, here's the keys to the

castle. Let's see how you do. Can I have a job? It doesn't go down like that. So but I will say that guy, he's a he's a Donald Trump is a fucking star. But I also liked there was a couple other guys on the panel I liked. I liked Rand Paul. And then I liked the the older fellow there. What the fuck's his name? I can't remember. But that guy from Jersey is a fucking dope. He's just smart enough to seem smart. But at the end of the day, he's big fucking roast beefhead. He's he's a fucking dope. That guy should not go beyond the state level. But he will. He will. All right, phone store girl. All right, Billy boy. Last week, my girlfriend lent her cell phone. Oh, what to you? Last week, my girl lent her cell phone because mine shit the bed. You

missed a word in there. Lent me her cell phone. Okay, I borrowed a phone on the way to get Oh, Jesus. Oh, God, here we go. I borrowed her phone on the way to get my new phone because I had some work calls to make as they left the house. I thought it was strange because it felt like because I felt like we would be breaking up soon. I get to the place and a young cute chick is working there. I end up getting paired with her over the other miserable looking losers working there. Wow, I thought this is going to go another direction. I thought you would say you went there and then she got some fucked up text. All right, here we go. At one point, I had to hand her my girlfriend's phone because I had taken a picture of a number I needed to activate my new phone.

When the girl slid the picture slid the picture over by accident. Yep, you guessed it. A picture of my girlfriend topless. The girl swiped back immediately and I just stood there. I actually didn't even really react much. Just kind of took it all in. She looked at me and goes good for you. Oh, Jesus, this girl is a gamer. That broke the ice. This girl was very cool. Yeah, you think? We joked around before and after this incident. All right, this is what you need to do. Break up with this other girl immediately because you already said you feel like you're going to break up and you don't seem upset by it, which means you don't like this girl. You don't love her. I should say or maybe you love her, but not that way. Dump her and get with this girl. All right.

And see where this fucking goes and hold back your heart though for a minute. This girl might be a fucking killer too. She might be a stud on the other side of the fence and she's going to fucking break your heart. So just see where it goes. I'm already saying that before I get to the end of this. Anyways, he goes, I get in the car and I realize I haven't seen the picture of my girlfriend. She never sent it to me. Perhaps she didn't like it or perhaps it was for someone else. What the fuck just happened? Wait a minute. You guessed it. A picture of my girlfriend topless. The girl swiped back immediately and I just stood there. Took it all in. She said, good for you. That broke the ice. We kind of joked

around before and after this incident. I get in the car and I realized I haven't seen the picture of my girlfriend. She never sent it to me. Oh, because it was on her phone. Oh, wait. She sent it to somebody else. Dude, this is like a great movie. Perhaps she did