Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-11-14

Episode Date: August 11, 2014

Bill rambles about the shit show that is golfing, swimming and buying a house.

Even though woolly mammoths have been extinct for tens of thousands of years with the metaverse students will be able to go back to the ice age to visit them The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday August 11th 2014 Jesus fucking Christ. I was gonna record this thing Sunday Night, it's Sunday afternoon You know all of a sudden You know I got invited to a fucking pool Now I love the pool. I love the Sun. I love swimming and all that

But I don't like going to pool parties. I like going to a pool with his offense and no one can see me in my pasty body So I'm gonna go over there and look like a fucking giant piece of chalk and a pair of fucking swim shorts But so I figure maybe I'll have a couple of beers at which point, you know old man like me sitting in the Sun drinking some beers This podcast would be an absolute shit show and some of you probably thinking oh, you know that you should have done it Do do that would have been epic Make a complete ass to yourself as opposed to the usual go fuck yourself get some goddamn friends You know get some fucking friends and and and watch them making ass to themselves not this guy Not this guy not this week

He points to himself slapping himself in the chest I Actually, you know a lot of people don't realize this I could have been an Olympic swimmer But I just couldn't get over the embarrassment I had in the shame of standing in front of crowded people With my pasty torso and legs My giant head, but you know in my little Tommy Lee leather underpants Then I'm gonna fucking wear as you're fucking swimming across the pool, but I was actually a really good swimmer

You know I was a really good swimmer Oh, I could have been a professional swimmer is fucking Versey still going off on this shit the classic Versey I didn't know where I'm minded my own business Paul Versey by the way from the Versey effect podcast He just out of nowhere. He makes a classic Versey statement, which is it's just it's through the fucking roof Through the stratosphere right out into the goddamn Milky Way He said no sport in history will ever be as psychological and As mental as golf he could have just said is a psychological as golf He but he was trying to sound smart, so he had and as mental

Nothing could be as sugary and Sugar-ish as a sugar cookie Thank you, Paul. So of course, I got to knock them down I got to knock down the statements and this is what I wrote back. I wrote pussies Sissy a sport ever complete waste of time and I just started going off on it and he was trying to defend it He goes well, dude, you know, maybe if you played it if you played it you've understood. It's like I've played it I caddied for three summers

You know, it's fucking it's exercise for nerds That's all it is. I'm not saying that the people at the top fucking level that some of them Aren't good athletes Okay, but I think the average Professional golfer would you want to see Phil Mickelson throw a football? You know, I'm not maybe he could maybe he could surprise some people, but you're just generally speaking look at that guy That guy is a champion in that sport. Look at him With the fucking fucking man-tits sweat

You know You ever go down to a fucking golf course, right and you just look at the average For some that's sitting there waiting to tee off. Does anybody Anybody even look remotely athletic They're not you got a stick and you're hitting a fucking ball that isn't moving because baseball was too difficult He's gonna throw it fast and try to get a pen not even baseball fucking with a ball was too difficult for you So you went down you bought some three stooges silly ass fucking outfit and you go down there with your cleats For whatever fucking reason

You know like you're cutting back against the grain trying to pick up a couple of extra You're not You could go down and fucking flip-flops and you could go play around a fucking golf You know Hitting a ball it isn't moving. That's and I'm not saying it's not fucking difficult. Who gives a shit Dude, it's so mental It's so mental you walk up. You're standing over the ball. You got all that time to think about think about what? Golf is on the same level is trying to catch a fly with chopsticks. Yeah, it's difficult, but who gives a fuck

Dude, I gotta sink this pot if I don't sink this pot if I sink this pot, I'll break a hundred What if you don't? Who gives a shit nobody cares Nobody cares Nobody cares, but other unathletic fuck or former athletes who had too many fucking hoagies And now this is their idea or they're in a miserable marriage. So they go down to this fucking men's club They go down there and have a couple of bears and they stand around right scratching their balls through the pocket of their fucking pants House keys jingling right just psyched to be out of the house

It's a fucking reason to get away from your wife. That's all it is. Okay, but enough with this horseshit Okay, and I know I'm not saying that there aren't people out there You know that are in great shape that are professional golfers and all of that. I'm not saying that okay, but you look at the average Champion in golf look at bubble Watson. Does that guy look like he's ever done in like curls a push-up anything? He just looks how he looks You know yeah, he's got that you know sort of sunken in chess with I have a couple of donuts every once in a while a little fucking flab around the middle I Know I'm gonna get a ton of shit for this, but I don't care

I am so fucking sick of everybody who plays golf rich boss is good at golf From the rich and Bonnie my wife hates me podcast. I'm out this way. I'm hyping all the podcasts this week I'm shedding on golf Rich boss is actually from what I heard not only good at golf. He is an excellent golfer rich boss With his little hands You wouldn't want to see rich boss go over the middle and try and catch a football Do you think those little hands could go up and grab it as? Some cornerbacks coming in timing it to knock his fucking head off

He probably stopped slurring if it happened But anyways it fucking come in and hit him right eat. That's not a mental game. That's not a mind fuck Jumping up in the air looking the other direction trying to catch a flying object as somebody else Who's trained to knock you out is coming in? Give me a fucking break. This is what I love about golf The average fucking cunt who plays that game is such is so horrible So fucking bad At that get to go to a golf course. It is a fucking shit show

Fucking shit show you go down to play pick up hockey you go down to play pick up hoop. You see athletes You see athletic people you go to a golf course. It is a fucking shit show Looks like one of those fat camp shows you wait for somebody come stepping out of the bushes Telling everybody what house they're gonna live in over the next three months Here's another thing about fucking golf. Oh, I'm on a tear here. Here's another thing about golf I've never seen a fucking sport where every year. They're trying to win. There's so many non athletic Uncoordinated fuckheads play in that game

That every year they got to try to improve the equipment the equipment to make up for how bad everybody sucks Somehow make the fucking golf ball go further somehow build a club to compensate for somebody's fucking Mantis as they come around Do they redesign a football every year so you can throw it farther When are they finally gonna get the equipment to catch up with how Unathletic the average golfer is and somebody could actually keep it on the fucking course Look, I'm not saying, you know, go out have a couple of beers and smoke some stokies It's a it's great guy time away from the ladies or whatever

I'm not saying that but I am so fucking fed up with everybody trying to justify it first as a sport All right, let's get into this dumb argument like what makes a sport a sport My thing is if there's not somebody across from you Trying to beat the living shit out of you I Just stop you I Don't I don't think it's a sport and I don't want to hear golfers. Yeah, the person trying to stop you is yourself Man, that happens in every fucking sport. Okay

every fucking sport Okay, you want to go up there against Roger Clemens at the height of his roid right it out fucking period and the guy in front of you Just before you went up went yard in the guy you want to be that next guy fucking digging into the box Is that guy's out there fucking grinding his teeth? You want to talk about a mind fuck trying to guess yeah, I'm gonna guess which side of my fucking head he's gonna throw at You're telling me standing over that goddamn ball is a bunch of other fat fucks to stare at you is difficult With your space age design fucking driver He's fucking cunts. This is when you know you suck every year. You got a new driver, dude

I got a new one. Yeah, the even bigger birther Yeah, the fucking lazy fucks they can't even carry their own bags You know, they got some fucking little fucking Taiwanese kid carrying double bags as they walk down or they drive around in their little golf carts Driving right up to the ball and then the mind game starts again. Give me a fucking break All right fuckgolf All right

That's all I'm saying. Okay. This is the Monday morning podcast everybody and you know I say a lot of dumb things and they go on for a long time. That's basically what happens here I want to thank everybody last week that enjoyed the fact that I called orange is the new black I called it clam Oz I Just think their titles a little long I I've actually tried to watch a couple episodes of that show and I just I Don't know. I just think that though that white girl should be getting the living shit kicked out of her a lot more

Like she I started to watch the pilot and she just didn't have enough of a I can fucking handle myself background that you know Every time I drop in I just feel like she should be painting somebody's toenails And she never is she's fucking having arguments with people They would just grab her by her fucking hair and spin her around the head like a helicopter and throw her in the fucking corner And then just do unspeakable things to her. She'd be having a horrific time She wouldn't have the time to give monologues You know, I'm shitting on a show. I've barely watched and You know, which goes good because I'm shitting on a sport. I've barely played I tried playing it

Was fucking bored shitless. I used to caddy at this this country club when I was a youngster I did it I did it a couple times and there was a handful of people that were actually athletic. They were actually Guys guys social and they were good. They were good golfers and the rest of them With this stupid fucking Thigh high argyle horse socks with their matching fucking I'm selling newspaper hats Coming out there with their big puffy, you know way we go pants. Oh Those guys were the fucking worst you didn't make any money Sometimes you try to go out again, but you know half the time you go up with such a fucking hack

And it had nothing to do with golf just blaming the sport. It's like, oh you suck at golf. What sport are you good at? Huh accounting Fucking asshole, you'd be better at counting how many dimples are on that golf ball then actually why don't you start with fucking uh, I Don't know what I Don't know I think if you're gonna play golf you should you should have to be able to play polo first If you could handle a horse it'd be hand-eye coordination to fucking whack that ball as you're riding on that fucking beast and it's Nostrils flaring then I'll entertain that maybe you're athletic when you go to walk out on the course, but other than that With the hazards and the dumb ass fucking rules

You know Here's another thing too and then everybody goes out and they fucking cheat all the time and there's gimmies and all of that Yeah, go fuck yourself Fuck all of that I Do like golf courses. I like them from the air it gives planes and helicopters a place to land If they ever get in trouble other than that, it's just a complete. It's just a fucking waste of time All right, Bill you've made your goddamn point Fuck what was I just gonna talk about I'd started to go into something else

Yeah, I don't have any questions for this week. I don't I don't have anything. I'm just trying to fuck I'm trying to energy my way through this thing Let's let's do a little uh, we'll do a little advertising here Okay, if you thought that that was horrific wait to hear me try and read out loud How many we got this week we got All right, we'll do three and two okay stamps dot com everybody oh Now stamps dot com everybody Technology makes a lot of things easier

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You know go out and buy a custom car. I don't know what you're gonna do with it. Anyways You know what I would do I would take that 35 grand and I would go buy a watermelon patch you know And I make 40 grand selling those watermelons Sorry said host add something you do with that money. I can't handle the pressure. That's why I don't golf With our sponsor prosper, it's never been easier Seriously people go online answer a few questions and see your low fixed rate and loan in a couple seconds Your money hits your account just is in as few as three days slow down bill

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All right back to the podcast did any of that last part make any sense All right, let's get what what other moron moronic shit can I talk about? Well, what did I do this week? I went on a long hike this morning Somebody sent me a nice article about the health benefits of hiking Which is just like golfing without all the douchebags You don't have to keep score everybody if you just want to go walking just go just go hike Do you know what's weird is? They actually issued a warning out here for certain parks that that women should not be hiking alone because

Evidently, there's one or two perverts that are riding by on bicycles grabbing ass and titties as they go by and I Know that that's wrong, but like What what do you? What do you think like what kind of a fucking game plan? I mean we all like ass and titties, right? Why wouldn't you just walk up and say hello? Try an opening line

Say how beautiful her eyes are like I Hated going to school, but if I could go to school and become a psychologist and just or a cop who in it When they finally catch this hunk of shit Who's kid who this damaged child that now has become an adult? You know they can afford a bicycle Um Like I don't understand Are they fat

No, because that wouldn't work because I'm on a bike. I'm thinking like They just I bet the person's small If I'm gonna try to break down what I think this person looks like here. I'm gonna do a little police work All right, I think the dude is small because he's worried that after he sexually assaults the woman by grabbing a boob or a butt She's good. She has the chance of beating the shit out of him. So I think he's a smaller fella Just coming right down the fucking hill Right down the hill with his dick standing up That's one of the scariest things I think I could ever think of I

I Wonder if he yells is he cussed by He just reaches out grabs her ass. Oh that titties. I mean that's fucking horrible What is now when they catch this guy and he goes to jail anybody who goes to jail for for you know You know any pedophiles or rapists anything sexually Fucked up. They have a rough time. So like what would they do with him? You know what would be the the punishment I Mean he doesn't deserve an ass raping for that does he

Because if he deserves an ass raping then what what the fuck does the ass raping deserve? Hey, it's a very slippery slope. It's almost like you know doing your stand-up act He can't start with the closing bit. You got nowhere to go You can't be on 10 this guy deserves like what I'm gonna ask the ladies like what do you think this guy deserves? God knows what them. It's never enough right? It's never enough Like when they suspended Steven a Smith after he said you I'm gonna keep talking about that because it was such bullshit When he said you she shouldn't hit a woman, right? And they still suspended them they went and they cut to this woman, right this lady

And she's like he got suspended like three days of some shit cost him like fucking half a million dollars you know and Because he said you should never hit a woman and then he had the audacity to say let's try to examine the problem from 360 degrees You know He gets suspended like three days and this fucking woman comes on TV and she goes I don't think it's enough I don't think it's enough. I so wanted to be on TV and just be like is it ever enough with you bitches? I See that's right, it's exactly it you call this all bitches. No, I'm not you fucking cunt

I'm calling you a bitch. All right, that's all it's a joke Lighten the fuck up Dude, I swear to God you could go out The average woman you could go if you went out and you bought her a fucking Mercedes Benz four-door Hardtop or whatever, you know what they'd say How come you didn't get the convertible? Not saying all of them, but enough of them. I

Guess we do shit, too. Like you didn't even notice they got my haircut. Oh I thought you got a new shirt. I mean we're morons. I guess I'm trying to be more empathetic as I get older But it's never enough It's like they're treating the guy like he hit somebody I Don't know. I guess I've exhaust exhausted that topic. What are you doing? You have an hour-long podcast and you don't have any fucking emails Andrew was supposed to send me and these motherfucking

Things but he's on a hiking excursion Which I understand because I would not be fucking sending emails either plus I'm doing it way early So I'm just gonna have to sit here and just fucking deal with this goddamn silence What am I gonna bring to the pool party Other than my lack of pigment. I Don't want to fucking drink in the sun You know Hey, I'm doing another one of those uh

What is it the the goddamn comedy jam? I'm doing another one of those and I'm not gonna tell you the song that I'm playing but I have to go down to the fucking drum Whatever the fuck it is. I'm not gonna give anybody. I wish it was a private one. I know Professional drum shop. I'll go down there on Vine I Gotta get a I gotta get a cowbell. I Just had to pause and wait for somebody out more cowbell for the umpteen thousand time like it's still funny I got to get the cowbell, you know, you actually hit it with the bass drum

I'm gonna put it right next to the fucking hi-hat I'm gonna try to do a note-for-note cover of this fucking song and this is my new leg This is this is my golf this is how the fuck I have to get out of the goddamn mouse I probably shouldn't have gone off like that hard on golf, right? Is that right? Oh before I before I get off totally off the subject here. Thank you to everybody who helped Benny Gribb Raise some money for his DVD project drum video thing That he's trying to put together. I'm the worst at promoting shit, but I appreciate it

All right and back to the The golf shit. I probably shouldn't have been that difficult. You know people go out. They have a good time You know, I don't fucking I'm just already anticipating the amount of shit people are gonna give me for that Anyways, you know what? Let's talk about, you know, this is something I haven't talked about in a minute because I took off the fucking summer Yeah, that's what I did. I took off the summer and then my whole fucking downstairs go out went to shit Do you know some weirdo chick emailed me she goes stop referring it to your downstairs? Like she was getting something weird sexually out of that like that was my issue and I need to stop saying that it's just like

It's like, okay. Yeah, I guess that's on me. That's not on you I'm talking about my house and I say the downstairs and you somehow are thinking about my dick and balls. You're weirdo Um That's the type of shit people send you. All right, here's here's what I got going on Coming up, um, very quickly by the way August 21st. I'm at the Jiffy lube live Fucking extravaganza center arena, whatever the hell it is in bristo, Virginia Doing the comedy oddball tour Um on august 22nd. I'm at jones beach job. That's not even a fucking long island accent long island

Nikon at jones beach theater Oddball comedy tour. These are all oddball comedy tours slashing slash pay for bill's basement tour I'm doing the dte energy music theater, uh on august 29th In clarkston michigan august 30th. I'm at the first niagra pavilion August 31st, uh, whatever. Let me just fuck the pavilion shit august 31st. I'm in tiny park illinois. The hell is that? september 14th. I'm in urvine california and on um November 14th. I'm at the west palm beach improv because I'm going to that hurricanes

I'ma said samoan hurricane seminal game the next day And the day before the on the 13th. I'm going to that Dolphins bills game, which is going to be the shit um So anyways, that's what the fuck I got going on and for those of you if i'm coming back to with a a City or an area and you saw me last year. I got a brand new fucking I got a brand new uh like 40 minutes. Okay. I take my act It's done that hour is gone. It's fucking dead to me

It's fucking dead to me and uh, i'm coming with all new shit. All right So there you go Just because i'm going out because I have to pay for my fucking house Does not mean that i'm gonna fuck you over. I am coming with new material So New material it will be and it's one of the great lineups of all time a couple of those shows Uh, well, let's click on let's see what we got here. Listen to this shit here All right, I clicked on it. My internet's working really slowly lately. I don't know what that means

Hey, did you hear like like google and all these other fucking guys? They're trying to buy up the whole internet and then you're gonna have to fucking pay them a vig every month Are they gonna make your website super slow? Uh, you bitch, they're not even gonna tell me who the fuck's on the these You can't do that to people How could you do that to people? All right, let's see in bristow, virginia Lineup. All right, here we go. Amy schuma Hannibal burris davatel brody stevens jeff ross

uh chris hadwick And uh brent mooring. Look at that. Look at that lineup Um, one of them. I think uh, what is it? I think it's the uh, the jones beach one It's the other one. I'll look up before I this whole podcast goes into just a boring Oh, that's the oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. Listen to this lineup for jones beach davatel louis ck sarah silverman chris Hadwick Brody stevens jeff ross hannibal burris and myself

All right, that show should be called go fuck yourself Oh Oh billy boy is gonna go on early on that one. Um, all right back to the uh, back to the podcast here, um All right, you know, who gets a fuck i'm just i'm gonna i'm gonna just start reading just random Um, uh emails that I got off my uh Of my web my web of toad there Uh, hey bill. Hi. How are you? Huge fan? I haven't read any of these things. I just I sort of glanced at it. Uh, you made me land some time

Um, I recently saw in a small interview in which you said buying a house unless you are buying it straight up with money You have meaning without a loan I guess is a stupid move Could you please elaborate because I think you're out of your mind That's not what I said and also that was part of a longer interview and they took a 15 minute conversation and made it a minute and a half Uh, this is what he says. Let me tell you my situation My wife and I Have been renting a condo for a thousand dollars a month not including utilities Uh, three bedrooms garage great neighborhood all that jazz the american dream everything that the uh american dream

Is all about after a year of renting total spent 12 grand I decided i'm gonna buy a place in the same neighborhood Uh, I gave a 10th. I gave 10 down payment. Oh jesus Oh jesus Oh god, dude You're gonna have that dick in your ass forever Um, and my mortgage is now 870 dollars a month taxes included while my rent Was a thousand for the same place like the one I just bought now the rent money. I am never going to see again

Um, that's 12 000 gone forever in only one year, which I obviously don't regret spending since it was a necessity However, let's say I pay for my house for 10 years I would have paid roughly a hundred thousand dollars off for it. What? Sure, I will get raped on taxes interest rate from the bank yada yada Then I go sell it even if the price for the house didn't go up at all I'm going to see some of that money back. Sure not all of it But even if it's half of it that's still way smarter than renting for 10 years and seeing none of it Uh

Blah blah blah blah. You're gonna present the usual argument. All right, dude You're paying a thousand dollars a month to rent because you don't have like 500 grand hanging over your head and you can fucking leave whenever you want And if anything goes wrong on the condo, somebody else has to fix it So you're sitting there acting like you got this condo and it's 870 a month and that is um 870 dollars a month and that is like your only expenses. It isn't You're easily paying at least a thousand bucks Let's see you want to talk about throwing money away if you just make the monthly payment that 870 like 860 of that

Is right in the toilet that just goes to the bank You don't own 870 dollars more of your house. You own like nine dollars more um They slowly bleed you for 30 fucking years I and what I was basically saying is that um buying a house That you can't afford Is a stupid move because all you're doing is staying in it paying interest on it

While it increases in value the only person making money When you go to sell it is going to be the bank and the real estate agent. Those are the only two people And um, I don't understand that whole fucking thing like say you bought at the right time And then the fucking thing shoots through the roof, right? Your house doubles in price And then you sell it and then you've doubled your money, but now you need a place to live So you have to go buy go back into this market where everything's doubled So it's just a lateral fucking move all the money you made you now got to put into this other house Unless you somehow downgrade your life. Why which why would you want to do that?

um The only way to make money I think really in a in a house Is uh, if you can afford it and you can pay it off quickly If you can pay it off quickly then as the house increases in value It's increasing in value for you Because what happens I feel over the years when you're paying the interest The interest is always slightly ahead of how much the house is appreciating in value And that's when you didn't get completely fucked over if you bought at the at the height of a bubble like so many other people

um You're upside down in your house and you could stay in it for 30 fucking years And you still might it still might not be worth as much. I mean I don't think I don't know. I don't really understand what you're trying to ask me. It's just like I guess yeah you After 10 years you could sell your house and you would get some money, but you're not adding them. You're not adding this money properly like

Let's say okay, you were throwing 12 grand a month a 12 grand a year Into the toilet you said but you had the luxury of not having a half a million dollars in debt hanging over your head You also had the luxury of you can basically give a month's notice and fucking leave Okay, um, you don't have to go through the trying to sell the fucking house and Oh my god, it's just the uh, you know the wrong time to be selling it and blah blah blah and oh fuck the Water main broke. I have to pay for that. You don't have to pay for any 12 grand Bing bang boom. It's all done condo thing people come by trim the hedges mow the lawn

You don't have to pay for any of that fucking shit 12 grand a year done It's a beautiful fucking thing now owning a house is a beautiful fucking thing if you buy a house that you can afford Okay, if you can just kick this shit out of the principle, but if you're gonna go in there and just pay 870 a month Um as that house appreciates in value, it's appreciating in value for the bank not for you I hate to tell you that sir, but that's basically it. Okay, so let's say now you're throwing 870 Okay, $8,700 A year

Okay To we'll just say roughly we'll say $8,500 a year in interest over 10 years you're talking about You know, it starts to go down at the more you've paid in interest that first 10 years is mostly interest So you're gonna give them like $75,000. You're gonna throw into the fucking toilet All right, plus all the expenses all the taxes all the bullshit of owning a fucking house all the shit that i'm going through right now um It it makes paying a thousand dollars a month and not owning way better Way better the fact that you could just fucking leave whenever you want to and if there's a problem

You can call somebody up and be like yeah, dude, you know You need to fix this I will not stand for this me and my thousand dollars a fucking month. So um, you're paying way more than 870 bucks a month is all i'm saying And i'm not saying like that's great that you actually What you should do Is are you taking that extra 130 dollars a month? That you're saving and throwing that at least throw that at your principal anything

To somehow start sawn away at the chains around your fucking ankles Um because it is a fuck over do this sir Do this whatever your fucking principal is okay Multiply your monthly payment times 12 and then multiply it times 30 and it's going to be roughly two and a half Two and a half times what the fuck uh your loan was Okay, so if your loan was safe for 500 grand you're going to pay them back probably anywhere from 1.2 million dollars To 1.5 depending on what your fucking interest rate was

Okay, and I don't think in 30 years you're going to get a million and a half dollars for that fucking thing And let's say you do forget it You paid all the taxes and all the bullshit had to put a new roof and fix the fucking driveway And the electrical and the pipes and the water damage and the fucking god knows what else The termites and all the shit that happened. I mean you'll if you break even you fucking crushed it. That's all i'm saying all right Now I might be a dick. I might be raining on your fucking parade there, but uh That's why I feel like

If you can buy a house that you can just pay off even if it's a shithole If you can just pay it off in five years You're better to keep renting and buy a house in another fucking state. You don't want to live in just buy that thing Get people in there paying the fucking mortgage and then you you pay Pay down the fucking principal You better to do that and then sell that fucking thing and use the equity in that to then get into a fucking house where you live what you want to live and uh

Try to kick the shit out of the principal But uh that whole thing getting into a house and all you're asking is what is the monthly payment going to be You are going to get fucked in the ass Seven ways to sunday as they say that's what I was trying to say, but they cut out a ton of what I was uh What I was talking about sir Okay, so there you are. Was that boring? Well, they kind of bored me too Um, let's let's steer into the boring and let's do a little more advertising Oh, Jesus this podcast started fast and it's dying a slow

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One more time for the extended for that extended free trial hulu plus.com slash bill All right, there you go. There you go Um, hey bill i need some advice about what a girl did to me What this fucking broad did to me over Uh, you see this person says okay, so I started talking to this girl and we hung out You know what we had some fun She's beautiful That's a great personality

fyi What pisses me off is the way she led me on by telling me how lucky she was To have met me and all this other bullshit. So I started to fall for this broad over there Uh, she's the first girl that I ever fell in love with Uh, this is way. Oh wait. This is she's the first girl that I ever felt this This way before Now is that me or him? She's the first girl that I ever felt this way before No, that's him and it's both our first year in college. So out of fucking nowhere

She tells me that she's got a fucking boyfriend, which got me fucking mad The guy's dropping the f-bond. I'm I'm believing it here. So my question is why did she lead me on just to drop me for some other fucker Uh, is this guy mexican for some other fucker? Uh, I'm stupid because I still like her Set me straight bill and tell me what you would do in that situation and if that ever happened to you before thanks. Um Oh, Jesus, did it ever happen? Oh, absolutely. I've been both of those people I've been the douche and I've been you um All right, let's see here. Why did she do that because she's young

You're both young let it go man. She could she could have done What could have happened to you is so much worse. Okay She could have uh, I don't know You could have married her had a couple of kids with her and then then you find out that she wants to be with somebody else That could have happened. You got off easy. You're young. You're in the prime of your fucking life You know, you're in your first year of college, dude. You're you're a number one draft pick. You got your whole life ahead of you you know I mean like like

The level of fucking ass that you could be banging right now just out of she The sheer potential that your life still has And what's great about at your age, you don't really have to prove anything All you have to do is be majoring in something that sounds like there's a bunch of cash at the end of the rainbow You tell a fucking couple jokes. You're in there Okay, so whatever, you know, look Here's one way to look at it. You know, you got let's just say that she isn't just young and immature because that's what that sounds like um

That's that's best case scenario. She might be an absolute psycho At which point you totally got off easy because uh, she's out of your life So what I would do is uh What I always say this is what you want to do Next time you see her you're gonna look great because you're gonna go to the gym You're gonna get fucking jacked. All right, you're gonna get in the best shape of your fucking life And you're gonna start hitting on ass Fucking two three levels above her and one of them's gonna say yes

It's a law of averages Then someday you'll run it there and be like would you look at that fucking broken down hunk of shit that I actually was worried about You know now look at me And I'm not saying this new girl isn't gonna crush you too That's that was bad for me to say that I'm gonna get you to the point where you can't trust people but uh, you know, so it's a it's one of the uh one of the

Growing pains of finding finding whoever the fuck you're supposed to be with I guess I don't know I don't know. I'm sorry. She did that to you. It sucks. Um, I have had that happen to me. I was uh How can I tell this story without getting anybody in trouble? Um, it was one of my earlier relationships This woman was a musician. She was a lot older than I was And she was in a band And there was another dude in the band. It was married to another chick that was in the band and um

You know, she quit her day job and started spending a lot of time over this guy's house writing I'm doing the air quotes right now writing Working on music writing Uh, the dude's wife was getting upset Was saying I don't like you spending all this time with this other woman. He said it's innocent. We're just writing We're over here writing and um My girl came home to me and said she was upset that this other broad would ever think that oh my god How the fuck you know, uh, that she would ever do something like that. She's like I would never do something like that

I love the guy but as a friend I'm just over there writing Long story short Me and this woman break up I start a comedy career in about a year and a half later. I'm doing a show and uh Who comes up to who comes up to me at the end of the show The wife of the guy that my old girlfriend was writing with

And I say good to see you. She's like, yeah, I can't believe you're doing comedy. That's awesome Oh, yeah, it's great to see you and all that type of shit and I was like, hey, we're so and so And she goes, oh, she's with your girl your ex-girlfriend now you know, and I was just like jesus christ and uh I realized that They probably were not writing when we were dating And I would love to tell you that I only had one of those stories, but I I had a number of those I had like, uh I had like three women that I know of that did that, you know

And then I fucked around too in relationships So I mean, what are you gonna do? Well, a little give some you take some and what are you gonna do? It happens It happens people human beings. They fuck up. They make mistakes You know, but you got off easy You got off easy jesus christ. I told you that fucking story. Didn't I I know I told this one before that time Oh my god I was right when I knew I was gonna be a comic. I was I went to one of her shows

And they were in this band. I can't say the name of the band All right, I'm not trying to get anybody in trouble But they made these sweatshirts for the band that they were selling after the show and they were all white And they said the name of the band in like this miami vice pastel Okay And it's the early 90s. So the pastel look is fucking at least I mean that was mid 80s. This is early 90s so They're gonna sell these after the show and the woman I was dating

Said she wanted me to wear the sweatshirt during their fucking show And I was everything in me was screaming going I don't want to do this I don't want to do this but for some reason I was at that age. I was I was afraid of having a confrontation Um And I I fucking did it anyways I sat in the crowd at their fucking show They had an outdoor show during the day and I sat there with a sweatshirt on Written in pastel with the name of their band

Oh Uh, you know That's unfucking believe why didn't I just say that was so much of my adult life Was learning to just say no, I don't want to do this um You know because I I had like more of a uh, you know My childhood upbringing was hey Sit down and shut the fuck up, you know

When that is like the communication that is going on as you're growing up like You will find yourself sitting at a show wearing A sweatshirt with pastel writing on it And not knowing that you have all the power to be like I don't want to do this and take it off Um, or just not put it on You know, but I'm glad I didn't say no because the only way I knew how to say no then was I really would have hurt her I couldn't just say listen Um

I'm not wearing it. It's too effeminate. Okay. Do you have any guy ones? You know, you got a black one in there with like it's written in Something other than pink and aqua fucking blue All right I was getting no If I if I really loved her I wouldn't wouldn't I had a problem If I was really comfortable with who I was I would have fucking I would have cut the sleeves off I would have tied it off right just fucking skipped right now in the aisle professing my love

But I didn't love her so I don't give a shit that she banged that guy in the band. Good for her. Good on you Lady from my life fucking 25 fucking years ago Oh, Jesus. That was an oh jesus one right there. There was another yet a the zillionth. Oh jesus moment in my life Oh, let me tell you how to rough one out there, you know um Anyways football season's coming up I'm so fucking excited man. I'm actually more excited for the uh I'm more excited for college football. I can't fucking wait. Oh, let me tell you I can't fucking wait

You know, and I don't have any dates. I don't have that many dates this uh This fall I'm just in town building up my new hour because I'm not gonna go out on the road And fuck people over and do the same shit I did the last time and then I just fucked myself over That's not the way to do it um And I'm also uh I got a little project that I'm writing that you guys might see the light of day at some point

You know Oh fucking freckles. Oh freckles. You know you hang around hollywood long enough. They might give you something I'll tell you be careful what you wish for um What did I want to talk about oh by the way If you if you enjoy this podcast if you enjoy the ramblings of a man sitting in his boxers In the middle of a sunday afternoon about ready to go to a pool party um

I mean you want to donate, but you don't really want just want to give me money You want to get something out of it? Just go to uh billbird.com you click on the podcast page and you go over to the amazon Banner and you click on that And go buy yourself something It doesn't cost you any extra money and amazon goes. Hey, here's a couple of bucks to send in a mile away. We appreciate it Isn't that nice? Isn't that lovely? Isn't that how the world work? um

I actually last week said underrated and I said it was amazon's Fucking itunes thing that they have and these cunts. I just want the music And now they're trying to set up this cloud thing for me. It's just like Like welcome to amazon music. Here's a few tips to get you started Please don't exit the app while we load your library And then they got this little circle thing with that fucking cloud Switch between your cloud and your computer libraries. Go fuck yourself Why do you have to have my music? This is what I don't like about all these fucking

This computer shit. I just can't walk in and buy something and leave they got they got to take a piece of me They got to figure out what's he into what's he doing, man They're like some psycho chick you bang her one fucking time and she's got a fucking At least get a t-shirt out of it, you know What why does my music have to live on your site? I hate that fucking word They're just they're trying to hang on to you to just keep getting more fucking money. They're like they're like leeches I'm just gonna go back to buying records. That's what I got You know the only thing I do like about

You know the ipod and the iphone is that you can listen to all that music Why you fucking walk around are you in the car? That's tremendous that you can actually do that but um Other than that the fucking trade-off These fucking assholes I hate when that like I even I even go into stores now and I'm just like yeah, I'm just paying cash I'm just paying cash and they still scan something There we scan so you want to make sure you get the discount just like let me get this straight

You just went out of your way to to have your company make less money And they're okay with that. There's no fucking way. That's all that is that is somehow trying to collect data At the very least the fact that I paid cash. They're at least doing some sort of Moving like uh inventory of their shit But if I use like what I hate is they go, hey, you got a little savey save fucking card and I go no I don't and I don't want you don't scan anything I'll swipe my card and then they fucking stay stay scan something. I'm like what the fuck Why did you just do that? Oh, I'm trying to tell you what you put me in the system

I just want to get my fucking toothpaste and leave What do you then watch me from a fucking satellite? He switched brands of toothpaste. What does that mean? How can we get more money out of him? He's fucking assholes I Swear to god They've done that to me at at at the pharmacy like two times And is as you can see it's driving me up the fucking wall

The only thing that drives me even more up the wall is the people that don't that are so fucking dumb. They don't care I mean, why don't I give a fuck? It's like they're making money off of you They're taking your private information And then what they do with that is they then sell it They share it with other businesses as they build a file on you. Shouldn't your private information Or information on you Okay, maybe because you bought it in the store. It's not private, but like shouldn't you get a cut of that?

They're setting up this behind-the-music thing where they're gonna own the rights to everything that you fucking do and what Shouldn't you get a cut of like a You know we we shared this information or what kind of toothpaste you like with fucking arm and hammer over here And they gave us, you know, eight bucks for that. Good. Well, give me two bucks Because if I didn't walk into your fucking store, you got no you had nothing to sell unless I walk into your store I'm bringing something of value and I would like my fucking two dollars at least pay me It's the principle of the thing. Ah, Jesus. Look at that. I made it. I made it coming up on an hour Fucking tremendous, um

All right speaking of downloads I was talking last week about that Aretha Franklin. I want to try to download her early albums like in like complete albums because You know because she's Aretha and all they do is just play her fucking her greatest hits You know what I mean? They don't have shit like this, you know, this one listen to this shit My soul

Come on, where was that song they always play respect You better think they never play this song, you know I want to be free To fly away come on and sing to the world She's the shit And I was thinking, you know, iTunes didn't have it. I can go over to amazon. This is the more mom and pop place How fucking dumb am I? You know, I just realized i'm bitching about this thing and I actually have a banner of them on my site

I'm in bed with these horse Um, oh Jesus, you know what that is that's hypocritical behavior or am I just that stupid? We'll let you decide. Well, that's the podcast for this week everybody. I'm really excited about football college football coming up Um Baseball playoffs. I always playoffs. I like those, you know october The red socks have completely shit to bed. I guess they let everybody go and you know, it's weird. That's when I get into That's when I love them. We're sitting there rooting for him against the angels every time I looked up. They were fucking losing, you know

Papa droi is still getting up this swinging for the fences Yeah, what are you gonna do? Um any football predictions bill? Uh, no, no, I have no idea what's going on. I don't watch the draft I don't play fantasy football. I don't collect football cards anymore. I am completely out of the fucking loop I have no idea what's gonna happen. I think the uh I think the jet's got a little stronger. I think we got a little weaker. I think buffalo got a little stronger I think, you know, we're we're kind of in our swan song of tom brady He's in the final third of his career. He has the ability to win another super bowl

But I just don't know if we're gonna be able to get him the right players in time Uh, that's what I'm kind of feeling but hey the end of it. He won three of them You know can't get mad about that and he's also one of the legends right up there with larry bobby teddy ball game Bill Russell and all those motherfuckers Um, and okay, that's it. That's the podcast for this week ladies and gentlemen gentlemen and ladies Okay, let's be fair to the women here. Okay They want equal rights. So every once in a while you have to go second gentlemen and ladies. I am off to a fucking pool party Uh, I hope I'm not gonna be sunburned

Um, it's just the worst. I'm gonna feel like the boy in the bubble I'll be the guy like under the umbrella with my knees up in my chest It doesn't make any sense That my skin is this fucking light and that sun does what it does To my skin. I've been to Ireland. I've been there. It's sunny I don't get it I guess Scandinavia when you get out there, but I don't have any Scandinavian blood The fuck did that come from?

Scotland gets it rains all the time I don't know. I think I'm just weird. All right, everybody. That's the podcast this week Go fuck yourselves. Have a wonderful week and I will talk to you next monday Some people say the metaverse will only be virtual But one day firefighters will use augmented reality to navigate burning buildings faster saving crucial seconds when lives are at risk Doctors will use the metaverse to visualize scans and make quicker decisions in A and E And though woolly mammoths are extinct in the metaverse students will go back to the ice age to visit them The metaverse may be virtual, but the impact will be real

Learn more at meta.com slash metaverse impact