Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-12-19

Episode Date: August 12, 2019

Bill rambles about Epstein, 'Do What You Love', and helping schools.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast from Monday August 12th 2019. What's going on? How are you? What's going on? What's going on? Oh Billy Oh, Billy baby face Old freckled face fucko is wrapped on the movie. Thank you to everybody Judd Pete Davidson everybody that I worked with I had an awesome time the mustache is gone. I checked with the director

Before I shaved it off. I was like did you check the gate and all the other shit you said is the it's the batch of film good Can I can I not be this guy anymore? He's like it's all good shave it off send it to the Smithsonian flush it down the toilet Whatever the fuck you want to do with it and I that's it Did anybody watch on Instagram when he has shaved it off live? live Instagramming there and Yeah, I got the baby face now. I Swear to God man. I look like I'm like 46 years old. I

Think that's a good thing if you can pull off five years younger than your age You know if you're 85 I don't you look like you're 79 80. Oh take it It's a good thing. It is a good thing Bad at bail All right, so what's going on in the world? I have my free time back, baby And last night I did a show at the I want to a fox woods. I always want to say great woods. I Fox woods I

Did a show there last night and I had a fucking great time And I was very excited because I did an hour and 19 minutes and I only did like two bits from my last hour Not saying I had all great material But I had a really good time working it all out and now that I got the movie behind me I get to do my favorite fucking thing in the world which is put together a new hour stand-up and I am going full force That's what I'm gonna be doing. I'm gonna be popping in down the stand comedy club Haven't been able to get down there and Beautiful club can't wait to get down there and I have some positive memories of being down in that club after

All the bullshit the horror that happened this past couple weeks, so Anyways gonna be putting it together and last night I was having a great time and You know, I don't really talk about politics or anything like that but like I was just sort of making fun of I was making fun of Trump, but not like, you know, this guy's it is aware But I just thought it was funny that he retweeted conspiracy theory about Jeffrey Epstein Epstein. I always say his fucking name and How he thinks like global warming is a hoax and Just all of this shit, you know, the guy the guy the guy responds to tweets

It's like you're the leader of the free world. Can you fucking act like it? You know, I Thought the lowest and I was joking. I was like, I thought the lowest point was gonna be when like Obama did the tonight show It's like, I don't want to see you do it. They have be on a show that'll book me You're the fucking president You can come out and do fucking ten minutes on the Russians Hope Jimmy calls you over to the couch. It's just like I fucking hate How did that office? Has just because of it's it's all been splintered now and that they have to like fucking be on social media

So that's all I was really doing and this guy in the crowd just goes he goes leave Trump alone And then somebody else said I Don't know some other word hoax got out there and some woman in the crowd goes Obama was a hoax And I just went on this riff talking about the two of them We're so fucking dumb that they both that they should fuck just so we could see what you would make and And then later on somebody else. I don't know. I Was teasing I was making fun of Tom Brady How is it 42 3 4 year old man? He ran a faster 40 than he did when he was 22 or 23 and

This made this guy in the balcony flip out about Tom Brady I was just talking about all the shit that I had said Leading up to that point and I bring up Tom Brady and that's the thing that triggers you and I don't know. I was just riffing on how the all of them should have like a threesome. I Don't know it's just that that whole fucking They think this is I Hope the dumbest time politically I've ever seen in my fucking life. I have never In my life ever seen fucking so many mouth-breathing morons when it comes to politics where they will not hold

Anybody in their party accountable to anything and if you say anything they go well the Democrats do this like When I Came back from The what do you call it dead the the fucking gig last night at Fox woods, right? I Actually, I rented a helicopter to fly up and go do it, okay? Which I never do shit like that because it's so fucking expensive, but every once in a while if it's like inside of an hour You know and I just do it like once a year or something like that

You know what I mean? Like if I have a I live in LA if I have a gig in San Diego, I'll fly out and if I do Vegas I'll fly up, but even this time I'm not flying out because it's just so it's so much fucking money It's thrown down the fucking toilet. You can't write it off, right and You know, I got a kid so I just in the back of my head I'm like this is money that I could leave to my kid instead. I'm doing this fucking shit. So every once in a while I'll do it right so I just completely lost my fucking train I thought there what was the point of that bill Anyway, I

Is this like a fucking side of like early-onset Alzheimer's I Was talking about plea people in politics. Oh, that's right. So I went to land And I was telling the driver he goes, you know, he goes how cool was that I go to it was fucking unbelievable It was unbelievable. It was a clear night and I got to fly, you know up the west side cross manhattan at about 96th Street Transition LaGuardia 500 feet South stanchion Throgsneck bridge and then you're fucking out over Long Island Sound you see New Rochelle

Stanford New Haven then London Dairy you make a left and then you fucking land at a helipad and you go and do a show I felt like Elvis How was it? It was incredible And then this guy had this software that was even better than the for-flight that I use that shows you all the planes and Helicopters in your area the direction they're flying and whether in the altitude that they're at they will say in red minus 900 or in green plus 1200 So at that point and and if you do that and you have flight following Okay, and you're 500 feet above the the highest object in your area at all times

You don't think you have to worry about is if you have some sort of fucking mechanical problem with your own fucking helicopter But you know how to do it. Oh, so you're gonna be fine It's tremendous So he was saying he goes do you do that a lot the driver's ago? No, I never do it It's too fucking expensive and you know, there's no write-offs. I said then Trump also fucking went off Add in all of these fucking taxes because he got pissed off at Hollywood. He took away all our write-offs And you know what the guy said he goes well, I mean the Democrats would do that. It's like no Wouldn't

Another Republican wouldn't have done that another Republican would have shook it off This was a specifically this guy thing. Can you just stop with this fucking it drives me up the fucking wall It watching people in Hollywood looking at the Obamas like they were these saintly fucking people Who who gave the corporations their fuck continued the fucking war Killed all of these innocent fucking people with drone strikes and now they're out on the speech tour Taking all of their fucking bribe money so they can go out and go buy a fucking house They're no different than anybody with the fucking red tie and I swear to God I can I just cannot fucking sit there and listen to these fucking people who just sit there

I just watch CNN. I just watch Fox News. Yeah, you sound like it so That brings me to Jeffrey Epstein Epstein I want to know where that man is because I'm telling you right now. He is not dead. Yeah, you heart take That man is not dead I Don't where he is. I actually you know, why couldn't he just be a fucking pussy? And just killed himself because he didn't want to fucking spend the rest of his life in jail

Or I didn't want to go through the embarrassment of having a mirror held up to his piece of shit face as to what the fuck He was doing down on his island huh Or maybe his publicist said well, you know, if you kill yourself, you're gonna go through the trial then people won't hear all the gory details Why couldn't it just be that? Why couldn't that just be a couple of guards who weren't fucking looking or whatever I Don't know It's guys guns. I love all these people go the guys on 24 hours

Suicide watch and he somehow kills himself. I mean, how is that possible? The next time somebody says that say explain 24 hours suicide watch. What exactly does that entail? You know, is there just a guy sitting at it on it, you know looking at a TV screen You know somebody hands him a coffee and he never looks at it He just sets it down next to him and he's he's trying to find the coffee cup with his spoon you know Accidentally tips his coffee over the coffee rolls down into his lap. He's screaming in agony agony, but never takes his eye off the screen What what exactly?

Does 24 hours of surveillance entail You know doesn't they they turn a camera on the guy and what they're just sitting there staring at it for fucking 24 hours. I Don't fucking know I Know it's really convenient that the fucking guy died And I'm not saying that he couldn't he got whacked but when they just have somebody stab him up in the yard That usually seems the way it goes down Everybody's like the guy's been dead. He is not even on autopsy yet. Well, he just died I

Don't know I don't know what happened But my favorite thing of people who are trying to tie it into Donald Trump or fucking Bill Clinton The Clintons had him killed like the Clintons are like this mob family You know, they're fucking politicians Right They just walk around blowing people for money. That's all they do You're horrifically underplayed paid as a politician and you got to have fucking a tuxedo and tap dance shoes your entire fucking career Tap dancing for these people who are gonna give you money and then you're gonna owe them favors

And if you don't do what they want you can't then someday give a fucking hour-long speech and get $300,000 from them That's basically If what they all do including the st. Leo bomb is You know, that's what they're doing That's what they all fucking do. All right, I think my conspiracy theory is that in the 1960s The message was sent that if you don't do what the people who are truly running the fucking country want you to do Conveniently a crazed lone gunman will come out of nowhere and take you out Black or white male or female. That's essentially what happened to anybody who is truly going to affect change

In a way that they did not like it was too convenient and I think now They don't even need to whack you anymore. They can just they can just take you out in the newspapers By just not giving you any coverage like a Bernie Sanders guy, they can just completely ignore this guy and How much people like him and wanted him in the last election to represent the Democratic Party? They could just completely ignore it and not give it any coverage and if they don't give it any coverage then it didn't happen You know and I'm not saying that Bernie would have been better than Hillary or better than I'm not saying any that I'm just saying that they can kind of steer you where the fuck they want to go

Which is pretty obvious when you get any rules you deregulate ownership of media It's why they had it in the beginning and they got rid of all of that And it's probably why everybody is just screaming and yelling now and just blaming one side or the other At a level that I've never seen before. It's like fucking I can't even like I Mean it's it's like it's like a trained fucking chimp If you say to somebody who's a conservative if you if you go can you believe fucking Trump said that they'll be well Obama said but blah blah blah take what I'm not fucking talk. I didn't say Obama was good I'm just saying it's not unsettling to you that a fucking president is

Retweeting conspiracy theory Think about that people Do you remember if you listen to this podcast seven eight years ago when I really got into that shit how fucking nuts I sounded How fucking truly nuts I sounded And I was just a comedian doing a podcast now You have the fucking leader of the the free world whatever the fuck that means that's like Michael Jackson the king of pop I mean who gave you gave that guy his fucking nickname. He did right? The president of the United States is retweeting

conspiracy theory that should fucking bother everybody No Well the guy with the blue tie did this alright end of end of discussion and this is why I don't follow politics Because the second Anybody in a conversation that I'm in does not agree with me 100% I just have to shut down Because I have everything figured out not you So anyway, my Andrew was telling me that a bunch of you guys sent in your was it we're asking about like this fucking guy I did not follow the story at all

I was too busy Working so I don't have no idea what happened and once Trump retweeted the conspiracy theory It knocked all the conspiracy theory away. I can't seem to find any of the conspiracy theories all I can find is stories About Trump retweeting it like watch this Jeffrey Epps Stein theory See here All right, let's see how conspiracy theories spread after the financiers death

Jeffrey Epstein how because okay wait, I think I just found it. All right Trump promotes Epstein Clinton's conspiracy Trump retweets Epstein theory Jeffrey's death apparent suicide inspires new conspiracy theories. Well, let's read some conspiracy theories run riot with Trump's help See now right there I Don't want to read that one because I feel like that's just gonna be a blue page just shitting on him because he wears a red tie All right, forget the conspiracy theories I like this person's he has an op-ed piece Here's why it's likely Jeffrey Epstein killed himself Epstein All right, the safest bet is that Jeffrey Epstein died by suicide given the evidence to date

Along with data on suicide among detainees in custody awaiting trial That's the most likely conclusion to draw pending a ruling on Epstein's death from the New York City office of Chief medical examiner, but that hasn't stopped a torrent of social media posts offering elaborate theories. Where are they? I want to read them Suggesting the accused sex offender was the target of an orchestrated killing Conjecture has run wild with both Epstein or hashtag Epstein murder slash Clinton body count Trending on Twitter many tweets begin with the preface assuring the reader I'm not into into conspiracies, but and then they offer conspiracy theory One theory places the blame on President Trump and the US Attorney General William Barr

Wait a minute. That's a little close to my name. Oh wait. Am I involved? Is that my codename? It goes like this powerful people in control of the Department of Judges Justice were fearful of what other politically prominent names Epstein might give to prosecutors and So had Epstein murdered in custody staging it as a suicide Prevavers of this series note that Epstein was being held in a federal facility, which is part of the Department of Justice run by bar Okay, now I'm starting to believe and that the Justice Department is within the executive branch run by Donald Trump Another equally far-fetched theory substitutes the Clintons for Trump as the shadowy powers who ordered a hit on Epstein Technically, however, this theory can no longer be dismissed as fringe because it has been ratified by very if

By a very official figure the president And now I just lost everything because Los Angeles Times I don't want to read that please please get rid of this Please close this window. Thank you on Saturday as speculation ran rampant Trump retweeted a post From the comedian Terrence Williams who wrote died of suicide on 24 seven suicide watch Yeah, right. How does that happen? Jeffrey Epstein had information on Bill Clinton and now he's dead Trump's tweets are official statements of the White House, which means that this fringe theory is no longer fringe

Yeah, this is just going off the fucking rails here. I don't know what happened to this guy I just hope whoever he fucking did shit to can get help and Somehow find love and forget what the fuck happened to him what you that that guy did to him, which of course you can't And other than that whatever who cares he's a piece of shit and he's fucking dead All right Other than that, what are you gonna go nuts? You think you're gonna scream about it on Twitter and then they're gonna be all right. You got us. We killed them We killed them. Okay, because I was down there and I was doing I was playing hopscotch with the five-year-olds

Or whatever the fuck it is those people are doing. I didn't want to know what the fuck they're doing That's other people's job to go down that fucking rat hole Don't you hate when you're on clickbait when you can never find the woman that's in the picture? I mean they shown this absolutely incredible look at woman and then I got to go through 101 slides to get to her 101 slides Okay flash player I know not to fucking click on that Uh-oh, uh-oh They're gonna try to fish me anytime. They say you need to update your flash player. I don't I don't fucking do that until

My videos won't work All right, let's get out of this stupid fucking conspiracy theory. Good riddance to that guy. I'm glad he's fucking dead Anyway Let's see here Where am I? Okay, please announce san diego this thursday jason lawhead is recording his album at the comedy store in la joya At 8 p.m. 8 p.m. Show 10 dollar tickets Jason lawhead rose bowl tailgate legend is recording his album at the comedy store in la joya This thursday 8 p.m. Show

10 dollar tickets All right, let's get into some fun shit The uh football season preseason anyways has officially started Patriots played on thursday, I guess they look good. I have no idea. What do you how much weight do you put on these fucking Preseason games and I guess they're they're out here in joysy Who are they playing? Let's see patriots preseason schedule Who's gonna replace rob gronkowski? Patriots preseason

schedule What do we got here? Saturday oh, they got the giants on the 29th We always play the giants in the preseason. Have you noticed that ship? Maybe it's because they're close by. I don't know panthers patriots That's all preseason. So we got the titans on say Thursday the 22nd we got the panthers And then we got uh the 29th

Which I think is another thursday game and then it's the fucking football season Let's see. What does the patriot schedule look like? How do you even tell like who's good anymore? in football With all the parody All right, so here's our schedule We open sunday night with the pittsburgh Steelers Then we got the dolphins Um, so we're at home against the Steelers. Then we're at the dolphins. Then we got the Jets

Then we're at the bills then we're at the redskins. I'm going to that game baby Them thursday night. We got the giants at home against the giants Oh, we're playing that divisions, which means we got the cowboys this year We're uh, oh, we're gonna get a lot of shit this year on our road games, huh? We're at the eagles Gee, what game are they gonna bring up? Uh at the new york jets cleveland browns at the baltimore ravens. Then we're at the eagles. Then we got a home game against the cowboys

Then we're at the texans Home game against the chiefs. You got to go to that game Gotta get tickets to that game. Think about that one Patrick mohomes when he's young tom brady on his way out. What a great game to say that you went to You know That'd be like if a young joe montana played against an old fucking uh, joe nameth and you went to the game at the cincinati bangles Then we got the buffalo bills and we got the miami dolphins and guess what i have this year fucking people

I have all kinds of free time because all i'm doing stand up my podcast for the rest of the year Which means i'm going to watch every single fucking second of the patriot season. I don't give a shit if they go on 16 You know I don't give a fuck. I watch it every single one of these And I have no idea this this seems like a top schedule to me. I think a lot of these teams are going to be good Um dolphins always play as top. We get the two jets games out of the way early We always seem to split with them I

Wasn't that crazy we're playing The jets twice and the giants once three games against new york Two out of three are in boston Or in foxborough Is a daddy interesting all right And we're playing the nfc east and our road games are at washington at philly And then we're playing the uh the central I guess Man if you're ever going to do some road trips this year

For a patriots schedule This is pretty easy if you live in and around boston All right at miami's far, but at buffalo at washington at new york At baltimore at philly At houston. That's a little bit of a ride at sincennady Dude if you were ever going to go to all fucking Patriots games

In one year this is the year to do it You can do every game by car every game is a fucking road. You could you know, it's a it's a hall, but you could do it Right you could do it every single one except for houston in miami That's it miami's not a bad flight That's great. I will just say this if you go into the the uh You know some of these like buffalo philly You know

The ravens at home Yeah, you got to watch yourself. I'd be careful with wearing like the fucking Patriots gear some of those fucking idiots out there Taking out their childhoods on people who fucking just go into a goddamn game. All right. Let's do some of the reads here this week All right, where are we The fuck am I doing here? All right good boys. Oh, I can't wait to see this movie All right, what if the guys who made some of the most outrageous r-rated comedies like super bad and sausage party decided to make An r-rated comedy starring 12 year old boys

Well, they did and it's the hilarious new movie called good boys It follows three innocent sixth graders as they skip school one day to do whatever it takes to learn how to kiss before Their first middle school party the thing is they get themselves into a ton of inappropriate and r-rated situations along the way Early audiences and critics have been raving about good boys saying that you'll laugh for 90 minutes straight They're calling it delightfully inappropriate wildly raunchy and undeniably sweet. Don't forget to go see good boys in theaters uh august 16th Oh, look at that. I'm gonna check that out one

I get back to la i'm getting behind in the movies. I still haven't seen the tarantino one yet either Um, anybody know a good place to see it in la is it's still showing it one of those 70 millimeter places? Because I want to see it like that if I if I still can't Um, all right simply safe everybody on average it takes police 45 minutes to respond to a home security alarm When a home security system is triggered a lot of time Police assume it's a false alarm and the call goes to the bottom of the list Uh, but not with simply safe home security simply safe has video verification technology Which helps police get on the scene up to three?

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throughout So we watched easy money and we watched back to school I had not seen easy money in so long and uh Taylor negron and joe pashy is hilarious in it And you look at fucking rodney that guy cannot stand fucking still The whole time he's sitting there in like back to school when they come uh when they have his his point of view and Sam kinesons walking up the stairs to come to him. You see him sitting if you look at his left leg He has like fucking restless leg syndrome

uh Just one of the greatest fucking comedians of all time and just watching back to school with some like his movies They don't even make sense like they basically Like with scripts how it works is you know technically is the first 10 pages 10 pages in you're supposed to have that fucking moment It's like all right. This is what we need to do. This is what we have to accomplish Act one supposed to end somewhere around 25 30 pages act two about 60 pages in and then you wrap it up with act three All right, and you're done 90 100 pages dude

That's fucking easy money. They don't get through the first 10 pages until 40 minutes into the fucking movie It's just all jokes about what a fucking degenerate he is for 40 fucking minutes and it's hilarious and somehow The movie still works um And then in back to school that one that one doesn't get going. It's like all fat jokes He runs like a big and tall the whole thing is just fat jokes for fucking 18 minutes before They get into where the hell they want to be but we had a great time. Um Watch I highly recommend watching uh

easy money Just as far as like and back to school just as far as just like jokes you could just never do Anymore and also burt young's in that one. He's one of my favorite actors of all time And if you notice in the end, he's actually holding hands with a freshman Like they're like boyfriend girlfriend now because he was like rodney chauffeur You know if you ever did jokes like that Are they advocating? A 60 year old guy going out with an 18 year old. I mean, what are we watching here?

You know pissed me off the other day and in general this fucking annoys the shit out of me I am so sick of people having advice on their fucking clothes Like somebody I was walking down the street and I'm looking at this person and they had do what you love on their t-shirt I just want to be like you bought that Please tell me like I don't know There was a house fire and somebody just gave you a free t-shirt and that's what the fuck it was Not that I want your house to burn down

Do what you love Like you you looked in your fucking little t-shirt drawer and you're like I'm gonna share this With the world first of all do what you love is pretty mainstream advice right and I feel like Like your life has to be like at a pretty fucking you gotta be operating at a pretty high level I do what I love I would never walk down the street with a shirt that says do what you love Because I would immediately feel like an asshole like what oh I got everything figured out

I mean look at me I do what I love for a living and I still get annoyed at fucking people wearing t-shirts that has stuff on it Words on it. I still give a fuck so Right there. I'm out. I'm not qualified To give fucking people advice I guess if you're a motivational speaker and you're on the way to one of your speaking and you and you don't want to uh Change into your costume. You're just gonna come right in there and be like all right people What are we here for? What are we here to learn and you point to your t-shirt? We're gonna Do what we love

That's right. Jesus wants you to do what you love He wants you to get an island and fuck children and then kill yourself in a cell Do what you love Yeah, do what you love is really open ended especially when you're walking around new york city because you can be fucking Saying that to a mass murdering cycle I mean that's a fucking sketch right there right do what you love You have a guy sitting In a I don't shoot sketches. I just say them on the podcast. All right

You got a guy sitting in a fucking diner looking shifty, but sort of sad And then this beautiful woman walks by with a do what you love to make her beautiful because then you feel bad for Uh a feminist looking woman, right? Ah, you go. There's there's somebody that nobody cares if they die um Then you have like a feminist woman walking by right the fucking hairy armpits and the goddamn, you know Fucking jenny graffalo glasses, right not not attacking her just the first person I thought I let me pick somebody else Superman glasses Clark Kent right walking down the fucking street

And he's sitting there in the diner And then she the person has do what you love on the t-shirt And then you just see it really affects them And the person gets up and starts walking behind the person with the do what you love And you're like, oh, whoa, whoa, it's getting kind of weird The woman turns the corner he fucking knocks her over the head and throws in a trunk of his car All right, and then that's his first victim And the name of this short is do what you love

Um, sorry, I don't know. I just Do what you love. It's just like I just want to be like I just want to be I just don't do that in public, but I just want to walk up to the person to be like, can I ask you a question? Just like like how what how are you qualified to give the world advice? Just what are you what are you doing in your life? Like what what do you do with your life? Because I do what I love and I would never be so fucking arrogant as to wear that goddamn t-shirt Remember that fucking thing that stupid t-shirt mean people suck There was just such a fucking self-serving t-shirt

And you're also making yourself a victim and he's like, oh, what are you? You're you're an asshole For victim and he's like, oh, what are you? You're you're a nice person. Who the fuck who fucking vetted you? One of these fucking broads on these award shows giving guys lectures it's like when does the lecture end Fucking sitting there acting like all of us took our dicks out at work Do you know fucking insane you got to be to take out you a member at work Um I always wanted to be to the to the woman be like who vetted you whoever said you were a nice fucking person You never threw your phone at one of your assistants. I let's let's fucking look into your past

I don't know. Is that a dumb thing to get upset about I'm just seeing them more and more I guess I guess as the world gets Satter and sadder and more and more depressing because everybody's on fucking social media Um, which the worst thing I did remember remember like a month ago I was reading that kent stable or autobiography and I just put my phone down I just automatically I was in a better mood because I wasn't looking at that shit But there are a few that do make me laugh though. I'm not saying social media is all bad Um crime faces obviously I was told you guys about that that's a great one

And then I was following this other one. I forget what the name of it was It was just people doing dumb things and uh This poor bastard was in a band and it was like towards the end of the concert And they were going nuts in front of this big crowd and he was running with his guitar And he went to look leap up on To uh His amplifier or something and he just totally lost his footing. He basically Leaped up in the air. He gave himself a suplex and landed on the corner

Not even flush. He landed on the corner of one of the cabinets I mean, I can't believe it didn't come out the front of his shirt And he just took it and stood back up and just ran up to the microphone to do the background vocals I mean he kept the show going It was uh, it was pretty fucking amazing. I do like looking at shit like that, but uh Somebody on the movie gave me a uh A book on Sonny Liston which I'm going to fucking start reading today because I have the whole day to myself I well that the whole day to myself. I'm going to play with my kid too. But uh

But that's not work because I'm doing what I love I want to you know what I'm going to start having inspirational t-shirts that just annoy people Just have a t-shirt that just says you know tell that bitch to shut up And then when you get confronted you'd be like what oh, oh, yeah, you know what it's just laundry day Oh, I wanted at a carnival Think they give that away at a carnival Yeah, well you got to beat people in a game first. I think it was the water pistol game I

Want to have my inspirational t-shirts how about guess what you're a cunt too Don't give me advice on your t-shirt, but you guys buy any of these I don't want to get involved in the t-shirt business, you know what I mean because then it's like where was the t-shirt made All right, and to make it cost effective The only way to do it it seems to be of some sort of fucking sweatshop labor Is that what it is bill? Is that what the whole world is to you? I don't know Maybe that's why there are happy t-shirts out there bill because there's people like you walking around in the world All right, hang on one second. Here we go. Here we go. Let's read some fucking letters for the week here

helping educators Hey, billy back to school. Oh, I watched that. Hey the back to school. Okay um Oh, my favorite line two favorite lines in uh easy money both joe peshy Uh now get out of here you half a sissy before I give you a slap And he was also talking about taking the boat back from la how to get to new york and he said, you know He explains the whole route and then he goes and when he talks about getting to new york He goes we go buy that broad with the green dress and we're back

All right thought I'd bring this to your attention Since you've mentioned wanting to help schools in need. Yeah public schools I completely failed with that because it was all this I couldn't just give money to that school It seemed to have to go into some giant fund and I would then lose control as to like where that money would go to Many schools are back in session this week Which means thousands of teachers are having to buy important classrooms supplies with their own money Uh the twitter page at support underscore a teach Wait underscore a underscore teach started a movement called clear the list and is currently retweeting teachers amazon wish lists

from across the country Each teacher's list has a little blurb about what subject they teach and what district they are in There are hundreds to scroll through but even a couple little things to one or two people make a difference Hope you and everyone listening can help. Thank you. Well, I also hope that it's legit And also what what the fuck are we doing with our country that they don't have money for this It's fucking just you know I just don't understand how people buy into the fucking rhetoric of politicians when they're clearly just Helping themselves out clearly just helping out rich people

You know Like what john steward had to do the level of shame he had to bring for them to finally give Firefighters who went down to the world trade center to help clean up and look for their buddies and other victims What he had to do to finally get them to help them out almost 20 fucking years later You know Well, they'll just give corporations endless amounts of fucking money for these all these goddamn fucking wars Just I don't know. I don't know how you stay positive about it But I guess it's up to us as citizens to do something positive. You know what I'll look into that

I don't she look into that right now. Let's see what this is about. I really hope this is legit All right What the fuck was it here help underscore support underscore at support underscore All right, I'm never gonna remember this At Support

underscore a underscore Teacher let's see where this gets me Clear the list hashtag on twitter All right, clear the list. Let's see if I can let's see if I can vet this clear Clear the list do what you love Clear the list legitimacy here we go um

And that took me nowhere You win sanctions. I I just you know, I just suck at the internet. All right. I hope this is real Nope, it's real. I just wish I knew a specific teacher Okay, and they'd be like these are the supplies I need for my classroom And then I could buy the supplies go into the classroom and hand it out to the kids. This is how jaded I am Because back in the day I helped it one of the way I fucking gave all this money to one of those uh, you know Troops that got wounded and shit, you know

Fucking to help that out and turn out the fucking piece of shit family was taking most of the money All right Anyway season any is there any teachers listening here in the Los Angeles area There we go. There we go. Los Angeles area. I'm gonna be back out there this week What supplies do you need specifically? We're not gonna send you the money We're gonna go out and buy the actual shit and I'm gonna come down there. Ho ho ho with a big fucking white beard I'm gonna hand it out to everybody. How about that? Can I do that?

So then I know that you're not doing that to fucking You know build a drum room in your house All right seasons of the year problem Hi, bill. I'm a longtime podcast listener and an overall fan of your art in general. Well, thank you very much Your performance here in amsterdam in may was one of the highlights of my spring and for this I want to say a huge thank you. Well, thank you. I had a great time going over there However, oh jesus I have a problem with your view on seasons of the year

you keep saying That summer ends on september 23rd like it's some sort of universal truth Which it is not The summer you're talking about is an astronomical summer which is based on equinosis and solaces All right, I'm already going to just give into this argument because I don't know what you're talking about And if you are the one who can't pronounce those words or tell off the top of your head what When those happens you should go fuck yourself and stick to the simple definition Which is a meteorology meteorological meteorological

I got to get this word meteor logical summer It starts on june 1st and ends june 31st It makes more sense since it describes seasons the way They make sense to us summer is warm winter is cold, etc So please stop pretending Like you're that medieval astronomer wait a minute with global warming. It's warm into fucking october

All right, I've you know what I've had enough of your shit if you stopped what to fucking two paragraphs All right, well explain to me. I know that the summer every once, you know, it switches around like fucking easter All right, now I got to look these fucking words up here equinoxes. You know what I was listening and then you just We just went a little too fucking hard equinox Fucking hilarious hotel gym Definition

The time or date twice each year at which the sun crosses the celestial equator and I gotta look up something else Uh, I know what the equator is. What's the celestial equator when day and night are of equal length? Okay, september 22nd and march 20th, okay Solstices all right, let's look this up I remember memorizing these at some point in my My youth Okay Solstice's definition

It's not quiet it got when I try to learn something Either of the two times in the year the summer solstice and the winter solstice when the sun reaches its highest or lowest point in the sky Marked by the longest and shortest days Okay So All right, let me try to wrap my head around this So this one summer is just saying it's june july in august because That's what it is every year when it's just normally the hottest time

And then to make it more precise is you figure out where the earth is going around the sun and you take out your little fucking What are you protractor is that how you figure it out? What's the longest day and what's the shortest day when the sun is going to reach its highest point and its lowest point? So I imagine the highest point is the hottest day of the year versus the lowest point And then you you stick the highest point and then you have a certain amount of days before and after that's peak summer Is that what it is? Can somebody help me out? I feel scared All right, it starts on june 1st and ends the august 31st. It makes More sense since it's described the season. All right, but in mine it says the 21st to the 23rd

So what is that then? Um So stop pretending like you're the medieval astronomer that was burned alive And stick to the normal definition of the season we have or at least give a disclaimer that you are talking about seasons The way they were described in the 1400s warm regards to your family and go fuck yourself buddy I never said I knew any of that shit. I'm just saying that this year it said summer began in june 21st And ended on september 23rd. I conveyed that information and now you're yelling at me like I fucking said it

I repeated it Jesus fucking christ And all you did was fucking move it up a few days Instead of saying june 21st. You said june 1st And yours ends the 31st instead of the 23rd. So it's not the same amount of fucking days roughly I think we're saying the same goddamn thing here All i'm saying is you can keep your fucking boat in the water until the beginning of october with global warming And everybody's oh where the fuck did the summer go?

Take a summer vacation in fucking september And fuck you and your fucking equinoxes and your fucking souls says you can still fucking put a boat in the goddamn water And water skiing now in september. That's all i'm saying and do it while the kids are at school That's great. You got a fucking professional babysitter All I was trying to do sir is make people happy That's all I was doing. I never claimed that I was a fucking scientist if you ever heard me read out loud you'd understand But I gotta give you this sir You really know what you're talking about or ma'am

And you now have me fascinated with this fucking information And this is the thing when I actually if I actually take the time to figure out what the fuck this means Because I do find this fascinating. I have a tremendously poor science background And i'm not the smartest guy if I do figure out what it means at no fucking point Will I ever explain it to somebody on on a fucking t-shirt walking down the street? All right, so there in the end I still made myself the hero. So why don't you go fuck yourself? All right, vietnam really? Oh, jeez. I'm just getting this shit. I'm getting killed here Vietnam was a shit show and was a totally stupid war

Villagers were killed and countless others suffered for no reason And you are an idiot when it comes to politics. Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute This do you see how this person just jumped? I don't know what this fucking person's even talking about Just jumped like whatever I said so pissed them off that they just fired off this email Like when they were listening to this podcast, I was talking to them I don't know what you're talking about here, sir or ma'am And you were an idiot when it comes to politics. Yeah, I've admitted that Because the second you decide to make a point you backhand your own fucking point by shitting on the point you just made

Yeah, that's called seeing both sides of the story And also admitting that you don't have nearly enough information to make it an informed point the same as you You haven't made one point here. You're just insulting me. You have no fucking balls. Great point You're a fence dancer great expression and a complete wishy washy doofus I love that you said fucking balls and then also use the word doofus I can't tell if you're a clean comic or a fucking work in the nasty show here The 60s was a great time in american history for social change Uh, I would have been with the students

bootlicker um All right, first of all, did you okay? And I know what you're talking. Did you watch the documentary? Before you had your fucking little meltdown temper tantrum All right, you would have been with the students that just walked into town and smashed up a bunch of storefront windows Of mom and pop stores All these innocent people who didn't start the war You know, vietnam was a shit show as opposed to what?

What's going on now isn't a shit show A never-ending war with no fucking exit strategy that's bankrupting the country. That's not a shit show I love vietnam was a shit show and a totally stupid war. You just fucking repeated yourself. All right Okay, all right, you know what? I'm gonna act like you're not as dumb as the way that reads and that you I made you very emotional um Listen, I don't care how much I don't agree with what our government is doing at any given point in history at no point Would I ever attack somebody else's storefront? You know, even if the person disagreed with me and had a sign in there saying I support the exact opposite of what you do

I wouldn't throw a brick through their fucking window um Because it doesn't prove anything. It doesn't do anything. I'm causing them harm And all I'm doing is just creating a bigger distance between me and this other person that I want To hear and understand my opinion All right, is that wishy washy to you? Or what are you a real man? Because you just went on this little fucking temper tantrum. You're acting like a fucking five-year-old

Which I also do all the fucking time does that make me wishy washy because I owned up to that I actually do what the fuck you do too. Or does it make you maybe sit for half a second and think like oh, you know what? Maybe I do need to calm down Maybe I should pick a side of the fucking fence We need to decide to curse Or say jimmy cricket and wishy washy. All right insecurity. All right, let's see. Let's see if we can go three for three bill getting trashed here Hey bill i'm a 20 year old college guy 20 year old guy in college and in a relationship with the love of my life. Congratulations. She's perfect for me in every way

And the moment I met her I knew I was going to make her my wife. Well, there you go We have said that we are each other's soulmate I'm a crazy person with a lot of insecurities and one in particular Was that I was a virgin until I met her She was not and always she was not and always said her last relationship was nothing but sexual It was embarrassing because I had never had sex with anyone else And I felt like a wimp. You got a little bit of a late start. You're only 20, dude. You're not the 40 year old virgin And now you're crushing it good for you and not like a man at all because I hadn't even kissed a woman before

And I always compared myself to her ex in terms of him as a boyfriend and in the bedroom even And even if I measure up. All right. First of all Let that shit go. All right. That's all in your head. That's not in her head And that's a great way to talk yourself out of this great relationship She always tells me i'm the best she's ever had And she wishes she could take back Wait a second. She always tells me i'm the best she ever had and that she wishes she could take it back But I still can't get the image out of my head

And it doesn't help that I asked and she told me that he had a bigger dick Oh god I don't want to drive her away. I love her and never want to lose her Uh would really appreciate the advice Why do guys ask that question? Um love the podcast you stand up efforts for family can't wait for season four come out to uh, I'm not gonna say where you're from Thank you and go fuck yourself Um

Any advice, uh, yeah, I don't know what to do here for you, buddy. Uh, you open Pandora's box and that bigger dick flew out And you're just gonna have to get past it All right That's it You asked she wishes she could take it back You know, I don't know here's the thing about women though. All right, they love for different reasons Okay, okay as big as that guy's dick was that didn't work out All right, so that's in the fucking past

And you know I don't know they fall in I don't women in general fall in love for the right fucking reasons, okay They don't fall in love with the dick All right, they fall in love because of the chemistry you have the stuff that you're doing for They see that you're gonna be a great father and all that type of shit. You're basically crushing it You're destroying this other guy other other than the size of your dick. I mean, he's got your beat in that area Okay, but there's a lot of times a team is more talented on paper and then the other team because they play as a team wins So you just got to look at yourself like that

All right, you're the underdog here and you're gonna somehow Come away with the victory and they're gonna give they're gonna make a 30 for 30 about you I don't know. I don't know what to do. I never I never had a problem with that shit To be honest with you. So I have a little difficulty like You know I mean, she's probably also been with the guy that had a smaller dick I mean, you're somewhere in the middle. You got a regular dick. It's not wrong with that. It's not wrong with the mid-sized car You know

It's not wrong with that All right, I gotta be honest with you that would not bother me Okay, having a bigger dick. All right, he's jack hammering away and all that shit The thing about guys with bigger dicks is a lot of times That you know, that's all they could do. They got the big fucking dick and they just sort of bang away All right, but there's all other levels that you could bring. There's all different, you know That okay, he's going Blake Griffin. He's just dunking on people you can have a turnaround jumper You could fucking uh, you can have a good transition game. You can play good defense. You can go downtown, you know

You can up your fucking game You know this role playing there's all kinds of shit you can do shit that she maybe didn't do with this other guy But no matter what you're just gonna have to take that fucking loss and This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do no pun intended to try to talk you out of the fact that This other guy had a bigger dick. There's nothing you can fucking do about it. Who gives a shit? Yes, he did. All right, great. Are you funnier? Are you a better cook? She loves you. She's the love of your life There you go Oh, here's what you learned. Don't ask that fucking question. Don't ask a question that you're not gonna want to hear the answer to

All right, but my advice to you is do not sabotage that fucking relationship Over that bullshit and here's another thing too. Do not fucking Mope about it in front of her because that's gonna turn her off All right And she'll fucking go back to the big dick guy. All right This is the thing. I wouldn't even don't even bring it up. All right, let that big dick just roll right off your back Um, all right, that's it. Okay overrated underrated Jesus Christ. All right underrated reading You're absolutely right reading books actually makes you smarter

It's been proven and now I can say I'm proof the better quality writing you read the better you are at organizing thoughts I've been reading before bed for the last year and I sleep better than ever. That's right. You do I learned that lesson and I forgot it. I got to get back to it I wake up with more energy because that's the last thing on my mind Because the last thing on my mind wasn't some bullshit from work that bothers me Even though it won't matter in six months or i'm watching tv falling asleep with bright lights flashing in my face That is true. What a great underrated for the week. Thank you, sir or ma'am overrated

Uh, putting people on pedestals next time someone tells you how great someone else is Make sure it's because they're constantly changing the lives of everyone around them for the better or they cured cancer I'm tired of hearing about how Great someone is When all they do is stand wave and smile. This by default includes almost every politician ever Um, all right, good overrated underrated. Um, here's another one summertime blowys Hey there balmy bag bill Uh, just wanted to take a moment to recognize all the brave men and women that suck dick in the summertime

Oh, Jesus. Uh, it has been real hot here in colorado in this morning And this morning and took my unit out to do my business Oh, wait, okay, this is like, okay, it's been real hot here in colorado and this morning And this morning and took my unit out to do my business. Dude, do you understand the way you wrote that? I thought you were like, you know, you were in the army or something. You took your fucking platoon out or something No, it's been real hot here in colorado including this morning New sentence took my unit out to do my business and I could not believe that

Smell coming from my taint area God bless these troopers. We love you. Go fuck yourself Also, not a fan of your podcast comedy or efforts for family like the mustache though Okay, jeez. I'm not a fan of your grammar there, buddy. Jesus Christ. All right. Evidently people got, uh, Smelly junk. That's another thing. I don't understand Smelly junk. That's another thing. I don't understand A stinky crotch area. I just I don't I don't have that fucking problem They take a shower and then that I'm good

Those people who got a fucking throw all kinds of talcum powder. I thank god. I'm not a sweater All right, yo wild bill big cocks Uh, I worked at a cigar shop in kansas city for five years and gained a decent knowledge of cigars here are my top three Oh, I love it Uh, a padron anniversa ray I know anniversario either 1926 or 1964 series Ashton vsg slash esg

virgin slash estate sun grown la flor leguero l 300 parentheses l 400 slash l 500 et cetera depending on size isn't sold In the wrapper these are all sun grown, which I found is as good if not better than a cuban At a fraction of the cost. I don't know about better than a cuban a real one Come through kansas city and I'll be the first to buy tickets godspeed um

All right. Well, there you go. There's some cigar advice. Okay. There you go. That's the podcast For this week. God bless all of you all right And if we've learned anything on this podcast Please for the love of god No matter if you're a lefty or a righty if someone has legitimate criticism of your political party just take it You know Because then that will make the other person open to some of your criticism and maybe you both can fucking learn something

All right, and then number two If you're with a woman and she's been with other men Don't ask if anyone had a bigger dick than you when you're standing there with the mid-sized car all right Somebody's gonna pull up with the caprice classic and then it's gonna make you feel bad About your Ford Fairmont Be happy with what you have and be happy that you don't got a chevy chevette. There you go That's it

all right go fuck yourselves And i'll uh check in on you on thursday