Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-13-18

Episode Date: August 14, 2018

Bill rambles about food processors, red heads in movies, and dating sites.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday. August 13th, 2017. What's going on? I figured out what the problem was with the volume last time on my podcast. I was like, I can't figure it out. How come the volume? I got everything all turned up. I actually had two microphones plugged in and I was on the one that was turned all the way down. So you were hearing it. I was speaking into a dead mic next to a mic that was live. Oh, Bill, you're so unprofessional. Hey, man, I'm fucking trying. I had a major breakthrough, major breakthrough in my life. I don't know if you read about it in the New York Times, the Washington Post, the fucking Des Moines, what would they say, the Des Moines

Herald? I don't know. I moved to my house fucking seven years ago. And one of the housewarming gifts that I got was a food processor. Oh, I should have said processor, right? I got a food processor and this fucking thing never worked. I plugged it in, but that just would not fucking work. So years later, I bought a smaller one for when I was on the road, when I was going to make myself some smoothies. Hi, fellas. I was going to make myself some smoothies so I could get my abs, you know, so I could show up at the clam bake and everybody could be like, oh, what happened to Bill? He's still blinding white, but good God, is he chiseled? Is he chiseled? You can't tell. That's one of the sad things. No matter how good his shape I get in, you won't notice because I'm so blindly

white. I'm chalk white. You just can't see it. You know what I mean? You know, where's my hashtag? What about me? What about my pain? Having to wear sweatpants all the way through summer? Just avoid the bullying. Anyways, this fucking food processor wouldn't work. So I got the little one and the little one worked a couple of times, then it wouldn't work. Then sometimes it would work and then it wouldn't work. I'm like, boy, what the fuck are these things short out? What's going on with them? So you know what I fuck? So anyways, I'm on this diet right now. I got a nutritionist. Every fucking thing is, you know, take some almonds and fucking dice them up. Well, I don't know if you've

ever tried to do that on a cutting board with a knife. They go flying all over the place. But if you have a food processor, I always want to call it a word process, a food processor. Why? Why? It's a jiffy. You know, you just put it in and it's, you feel like fucking Rachel Ray. You're spinning around. You're like, how come I'm not hosting a cooking show? Oh, that's right, because the last redhead was out there grabbing tits without asking. So there's another black hole in this business. First, the guy from NYPD blue takes off from his fucking series, like after one season, to have a movie career in J Nola's movies, which were good. They didn't do well at the box office.

And then they would like, that's it. Fuck redheads, fuck redhead males in the lead. We knew it. We knew it from day one, even when we were making black, black and white fucking movies. Fuck redheads, you know, and Eric Stoltz immediately felt the effects of that. So it takes one redhead to go out there and fuck it up. And then they just stick us on the bench for a while. I'm just fucking with you guys. Anyways, I'm on my own journey. What I do and what I ask the universe for is what I'm going to get. Yeah, you have to have blinders on, yet maybe empathetic and be aware of others.

So anyways, I went to this kid's birthday party on say, and it was this Christmas themed party, which seemed nuts to me. And then I showed up and it was fucking awesome. They had the AC cranking, they had the Christmas sogs going. It was the kid's birthday. It was incredible. It was actually it was a great time. They had a basketball hoop all the little kids were out there trying to dunk. That was funny. Every kid was dunking because that's all they show. That's all they show on the highlights. You know, the only way you can take the only way a jump shot makes a highlight now is if you cross the other guy over and he fell down and 30 people have to run by the screen going,

Oh, after you did it, you know, like if Larry Bird played right now, he would never make it under sports center. I don't understand the running around all that like somebody could literally take a full water bottle, flip it upside down. And if it lands on top, acting like the dude just levitated. Oh, I'm an old man, whatever. I'm slowly feeling it slipping away. And I'm watching young people enjoy themselves the new way that human beings enjoy themselves. And evidently, I don't approve. How were the millennial generation survived? Do you have any idea what the fuck my dad does? So anyways, I come home. All right, everything they had at the birthday party, I couldn't eat. I was being that LA douche that

was on a diet. These wonderful people made all this amazing guy. It was fucking unbelievable. They had gingerbread men in August. Okay, gingerbread men that could fuck with anybody's December level gingerbread men as a ginger. I wasn't even offended. Okay, that's how good these cookies looked. Oh, they had cupcakes. They had rice, crispy treats. Then they had this this breaded chicken that just it just looked bites. I just looked fucking incredible. Right. And was also at the thing. And one of the husband was a was was a bourbon whiskey scotch guy. And he's the only guy I've ever seen that had a bottle of monkey. And that's what I found when I was over in France

that I finished in three nights, by the way, which is why old freckles are still on the wagon. Okay, my fucking my liver's still, you know, talking to me about that one. Now they're going to let it go, you know, just like your chick, you know, you did that one fucking thing. Oh, they're going to bring it up for years. Right. So anyway, so I come home and, you know, I'm fucking starving. All I drank there was waters. And I had a Santa hat on. It was fucking awesome. Anyways, so come back to the house. And now I'm trying to chop up these goddamn fucking almonds. I'm like, fuck this, let me get that little food processor, right? And I fucking put it together and lo and behold, the fucking thing works. I'm like, fine, great. So I take

the top off, whatever, and I go to put my shit in, I put the top back on, and that doesn't fucking work again. And I'm losing my shit. So my wife keeps coming in and out. So now I have an outlet for my anger, my poor wife, right? You know, it's one of these deals, like I'm frustrated over here, and that just becomes like, how many times are you going to come in and out of the door? You know, you do one of those and then look, what is your problem? Like, ah, fuck, Jesus Christ, that's going to be a fucking 40 minute conversation. There goes my evening. And that's exactly what happened. Well, long story short, I was trying to make some almond crusted baked chicken breasts, eight ounces to be exact, saving the rest from my lunch tomorrow with a Greek yogurt yogurt and

fucking dill dip or whatever the fuck I had, you know, and you know, I just said, fuck it, I'm just going to make this chicken plain and I'll just eat it with the dip. And that's what I did. And I've stuck to the diet, right? So, you know, my wife read me the riot act. I'm what an asshole I am. And you know, I couldn't argue because she was right. At that point, my stomach was full, and I was able to look back on what I had just done pretty clearly at that point. I was just like, yeah, I don't think I would be liking me right now either. So I sat there and I nodded, and I agreed. And then I tried to make some points, which is always bad when you're that much in the wrong. But you know, it's just how I'm wired, you know, I said, you know, I'm down 42 nothing,

I'm still going to try to kick a field goal. Okay. So that took a day and a half to apologize completely for. And I had to make her laugh a lot. And she already doesn't like me. You know, we're having like a rough time right now because I'm on this diet and I keep making extra shit. But it's still my next, you know, meal. And she just she just you know, she's coming by like it's a buffet. She'd be like, I like veggie tacos. I'm like, yeah, but there's only like this is all measured and they wait to after you fucking make it. It looks good. And then you got to be like, no, you can't. Well, you're not going to eat all of it. Yeah, but I'm gonna have it tomorrow. This is how this works. Okay, turn your key. There's a launch sequence to this. It already started.

So that just keeps being a problem because she feels like I'm not sharing. And so what I keep doing is I keep giving her a bite of this bland sugar free, salt free shit that I'm eating. I'm like, you sure you want some of this? You know, she had some of my oatmeal and almond fucking pancakes yesterday peaches in it peaches in it, the chopped peaches in it. That was the true that was the oasis you had to keep running to as you worked your way through all of that stuff. All right. But I will tell you, you know, I feel fucking tremendous. My energy's through the goddamn roof. So anyways, the next morning I wake up to make my fucking almond goddamn motherfucking oatmeal pancakes. And now I'm calm, you know, I had my hot water with lemon sitting

there by myself. You know, am I no no no, I'm never by myself. That's right. I had already brought my daughter up and I fed her. And she was watching puppy dog pals. And I had her in the high chair she was locked in, you know, she had a little sippy cup and she was fucking, you know, loving life. So I went out there and I was just like, I'm going to figure out how to use these fucking word, these food processors, not word process food processor. And I got this giant bin where I keep all the instruction manuals throughout the years for every fucking thing I've ever owned, like I'm instruction manuals for my refrigerator, like what do you need to know how to open and close the fucking door?

Right? I don't know. I want it to be colder temperature down arrow, arrow, arrow, right? Anyways, I ended up finding the fucking instructional manual for both of them. And this fucking food processors that I got seven years ago, I realized always worked. It's just with the food processor. There's only one way that it goes together. And I know this is basic for a lot of you fucking, you know, people, you know, who don't think outside the box, the way I do, who don't have faith in your own abilities to just put something together, you have to cheat and look at the instructions, see what I'm doing here, making myself a hero. Anyways, yes, Bill, we do see

what you're doing here. So I got it out and there's like, there's only one way that it can go together where it's still going to work, because there's no way they're going to let you put it together wrong or have the top off and have that blade spinning because you know somebody somehow fucking stuck their hand or their face in it and died, right? You know, or had the top off and then realized they had some ingredient on the top shelf and the cover right above it. And they got up above it, you know, when they were squatting as they were going to stand up, you know, an old Matt and Ben hung down there, right? Got all shredded. So what kills me, what I've learned about food processors is all of them will go together about

three to four different ways, but only one way you can put it together and it will work. And that's what the problem was. The problem is really that I didn't, I didn't read the manual, but now it's kind of fascinating. It's sort of like this, it's like this electric current fucking thing. It's just like it will go to here. Now it will go pass through the handle and then pass through the top. And now you can fucking dice your goddamn almonds. I'm getting a fucking text message here. What is the problem? Oh, Jesus Christ. Anyways, so I now have a word processor in my life, a food processor, fuck. Processes to food. And I gotta tell you, it's been fucking awesome. And I got that little one. I know how that works. So now I can bring that on the road and make some

you know, there's nothing worse than eating right while you're eating right, but there's nothing better after. And when you eat bad, it's the opposite. There's nothing better than eating like shit. And there's nothing worse than right after, you know, or the next morning. It's usually two days later, you look down and it's just like, Oh my God, am I preggers? All right. So anyways, that's that's, that's my food processor story. So if you're like me, if you ever got a gift, a food processor gift, and it never quite worked for you and you have like massive ADD or you're just a fucking scatterbrained moron, which I sometimes think ADD is the euphemism for. Just go back and look at the manual. Alright, usually the handle has to face you. And then the

top goes on just so and then you will you will just your life will be so much fucking easier. So anyways, the first week was detox. I already did that. And now this second week is healthy gut. So it's a bunch of Greek yogurt that, you know, has probiotics in it, which is great because, you know, when you drink booze, I guess booze kills the good bacteria. See, there's good bacteria and there's bad bacteria in your gut. The bad bacteria is in there for, well, someday when you die, when you die, then that's the bacteria that then begins to feed at you as you decompose. That's actually true, man. And it turns into like gas and shit like that, which is why they always find like a headless torso floating in the bay.

It's the shit in your gut that turns to gas and it's like a fucking water balloon and you go up, not to mention, you know what I mean? If you already got some blubber on you, that's probably another reason. But I remember reading that book, The Westies, that that movie State of Grace was loosely, loosely based on. And they used to do, they used to, you know, they'd kill somebody and they used to call it the Houdini because the guy would disappear. And what they would do, they always made sure that they would chop them all up, but they make sure that they got them too. So then he would never come back. Because if you didn't take the time to, you know, get the guts out of them, then they would, you'd have a floater. God damn it.

There you go. Now you know how to murder somebody. Well, not how to murder somebody, you know how to get rid of them. Anyways, what did I do this weekend? Red Sox keep winning. You spend enough money, you can sweep the Orioles. That's what we paid for. We've won nine of our last 10. We won nine out of 10 games in August. We lost one game to the Blue Jays, swept the Yankees, went two and one against Toronto. Is that right? Went four against the Yankees, two and one. That's three. That's right. And then we swept three with the Orioles. Now we got the Phillies coming up who always play as tough. Got two games with them in our league excitement. Then we got Tampa Bay and then we got another big test. We got the Cleveland Indians.

Uh, scary Terry Francona. I still think is the best manager in baseball. He's got them playing great with what he has. And, um, you know, we'll see how we do against them. We got two series with them and then Houston before we play two with the Yankees. And then we're done. Then we go into the playoffs. God willing. God willing. But evidently it's the whole fucking thing is over because we swept the Yankees in the beginning of August, despite the fact the Yankees have come back, uh, down 18 games against us. We've blown an eight. We blew that fucking lead in 2012. I'm never comfortable until you won the division. But then if the Yankees get the fucking wildcard, it's like you did not dispose of them. It's just like, well, here we go. Now it's zero, zero. So

all that winning really didn't mean shit because the greedy cuts want fucking 20 rounds of playoffs playoffs. Everybody makes it. Everybody makes it. Everybody makes it. Hey, if you want to hear something hilarious, listen to Paul Verzi. He's the Verzi effect this week because he watched the Giants first preseason game and that absolute beast that they drafted, his name escapes me. I saw him playing the Rose Bowl, the running back from Penn State. He said, he goes, dude, you got to see his first run. He said, he fuck it. He went one way and they had it all sealed off. He ran the other way for like 40 yards. And I guess, uh, the giant faithful were going fucking crazier. You will not find a more loyal sports fan than Paul Verzi. And I know it's been easy

to be a giant fan during the fucking Eli days, but he has been a hardcore New York Knicks fan since I met him. I can only feel so bad for him because he is a Giants at a Yankees fan. He's had plenty of success, right? In his lifetime that he's remembered. They have won five World Series and two Super Bowls. It's pretty goddamn good. Right? He doesn't give a fuck about hockey. They brain just won a Stanley cup. He's not a Mets fan. They won an 86. Here we go, Bill. Now you got to work it all out, don't you? Then who's left? Oh, the Jets. Jesus Christ. I think he just goes downhill. Um, anyways, he was all excited about that. I did not see how my Patriots were doing. This might be Tom Brady's last year. Maybe next year it's all winding down and I'm waiting to

see who in the AFC is going to step up. I mean, from the rumblings I heard that seems like the Jets seem like the odds on favor to be the next one to have a run. As long as Bill Belichick sticks around after Brady leaves, at least within the next three years, we'll see how that goes. But what a run. What a run. Do they got another one in them? I don't know. We won five out of eight. I couldn't be fucking happier. Speaking of not being, could not be happier. Did anybody watch any motorcycle racing yesterday or these past two weeks? I believe the one last two weeks ago was in Berlin. I think it was somewhere in Germany. These last two fucking races have been so goddamn exciting. Let's just talk about yesterday's Austrian Grand Prix. Austrian,

I believe birthplace of Adolf Hitler, I believe. You know what's so fucking, I think it's just because I live over here. Whenever I go over there, that's all I ever think. Whenever I'm in Paris, I walk up to Champs-Elysees, I'm like, Hitler drove down this fucking street in a Mercedes Benz standing up, fucking waving to the crowd like he just won a Super Bowl. I think if you just grew up over there, it just seems like olden days shit. Because when I sit out here in Los Angeles, I don't think like, hey, there was some Native Americans here, living off the land and not stealing any water. Anyways, you got to watch that fucking. If you're going to get into racing, if you're like, eh, it just seems like they're riding around in a fucking circle and you need

excitement. Motorcycle racing is where it's at. MotoGP is the best racing out there. Okay. And the show the past two weeks that Jorge Lorenzo, Mark, Mack, Mack has in Andres, Andres, DeVizioso, I hope that's how you say his first name, have put on has been, it's been, they had me off the couch miming, rolling on the throttle. I was screaming at the fucking TV, the last couple of laps, they're basically doing, I don't know, 160, 170, 180 miles an hour, almost bumping into each other like they're racing on horses, which is dangerous enough. And what I'm finding is these Ducati's have an incredible amount of torque that the Honda can't fuck with and Jorge Lorenzo and DeVizioso both are on the, on the Ducati team. Jesus Christ, I just spaced on the Ducati team and

Mack Mack has is on the Honda and I heard, I heard yesterday that Jorge Lorenzo is going to go to the right of Honda next year. I don't why the fuck he would do that with his skills. Why would you want to be on like a slower bike? But Mark Marquez, I think, I don't know. I think he just, he just rides perfectly. So he gets them in the corners. And he just takes the perfect line around the track, be literally the fastest way around the track. And then in the beginning of this race, because last week's race, he came in third, which is a massive failure in his world. And DeVizioso and Jorge Lorenzo just, they passed each other like three times on the final lap. And this week, Mark Marquez and Jorge Lorenzo, there was three passes on the final lap,

was fucking unbelievable. And in the beginning of the race, Mark Marquez, I think was just, he kind of knew the power that the Ducati's had. So he was just trying to fucking put as much space between himself and the Ducati's as he could. It's so fascinating that the tire that they're on, and then Jorge was kind of like laying back, or DeVizioso was, I think was laying back, couldn't get around Lorenzo. But then you don't know if that's a strategy like, all right, you're on soft to tires, go ahead and let you run a little bit, let you chew up your fucking tires. I'm on a harder tire. And then I'm going to fucking, you know, after the race is like halfway over, but they do this subtle thing where they, they hang back, but they still press the person.

So hopefully the tires are all fucking chewed up and they don't have as good a grip. And then they can, they can run them down in the end. I barely know what I'm talking about, but I have to tell you, it is fucking incredible. You have to get into it. And here's another great thing, most races, it's like 25, 26, 27 laps. There's no pit stops. It's a perfect thing for an American to get into. It's fast. It's exciting. And there's no breaks. Okay. Even though we have a bunch of timeouts and shit. It's like, it's like you're fast forwarding through the commercials. There's like no fucking commercials. Cannot say enough about it. And for those who actually pay attention, Mark Marquez, it looks like he's going to win the championship. He's way out in front.

I don't know what happened to Rossi this week. He must have had some sort of grid penalty or he crashed. I don't know what, but he started in like 14th place, but that fucking guy is, he's second in points. But as far as wins go, Marquez has won five this year. Lorenzo's won three. David Cioso has won two. And Marquez has been on nine different podiums. He's like on the podium. He's been on the podium every race, but two. So he's way out in front. He has like 200 points. And the next closest guy is Valentino. I think he has like 130, 140. So it's pretty safe to save barring anything major that Marquez is going to win this again. But I'll tell you the show, the three of them are putting on is fucking, it's unbelievable. And I have, I got to go to that Moto

GP race. There's only one in the United States if you want to go. And there's only one formula one race. If you want to see Lewis Hamilton, who's going to go on to be one of the greats of all time. It's in Austin, Texas. And I highly recommend it. Anyways, all right, let me do, let me do a little couple of fucking reads here for the week there. All right, hotel tonight. Tonight, tonight, tonight. All right, tonight is hotel tonight is the go to app for booking great deals at great hotels, unlike other hotel booking sites, hotel to night. I'm not going to do that the whole time doesn't have long endless lists of a zillion hotel choices. Instead, instead, hotel tonight is shows you only

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got they got Colombo. Colombo. I mean, let me just ask you one more question. I might be some just confused me just a little bit here. I just got to I love that. I love the walk away and then he would come back. Oh, okay. I see. I see. You didn't do it then, but I'm sorry to bother you and I'm sorry. I can get back to working out. Then he goes to walk away. Oh, you know, he's just one more question. And then that's the question that gets the guy's fucking brow sweating. Unbelievable fucking show. One of my favorite memories of my adult life was I was in Rome, Italy. As opposed to Rome, North Carolina, Bill, I was in Rome. I was getting ready to do a run of dates. So I had to get acclimated to the time. So I went over there five

days early with my lovely wife and my mother in law. And we were all jet lagged in at three in the morning. We were watching fucking Colombo. Somehow it was in English, I believe. I had to open because we were watching it. And we just it was a fucking greatest night ever, just one of those fucking nights. You're on vacation, you didn't have anything to do. And then Colombo comes on at three in the morning. And we just had the best time ever watching it. Oh, it's such a great show. But was there anything else that I wanted to talk about before I get into your questions for the week? I'm a little pressed for time here. Oh, so anyway, oh God, oh, so anyway, oh God, you know, I've been going to the gym now.

Everything's going great. I'm turning my my ass cheeks. I don't know if I mentioned to this. I did mention this to you, but people who might have missed last week's podcast, I figured out the reason why I kept having this sciatic nerve problem was because of 20 years of being on the road, sitting in writer's room, just sitting down in general, and not doing legs the way I should have. My fucking glutes turned into fucking two pieces of veal cutlet. And I'm just sitting on skin and bones back there. So after a while, the sciatic nerve gets impinged. So anyways, I I've been doing my legs religiously. And I don't know, I'm starting to have a little bit of cube steak back there. Still a poor cut of meat. But I am I am dedicated to doing this.

And somebody told me a long time ago that one of the great things to do is to to constantly to never stop doing squats. Because, you know, as you become like an older person and everything, you want to be able to get up and out of bed, get up and out of a chair and that type of stuff. And then also your quads are the biggest muscle in your body, so it's going to burn the most fat and all of this shit. So anyways, I'm not going to lie to you guys, I've been I've been really talking to some people for the first time in my life. And I've realized how many exercises I did at the gym with terrible form. So now I have my form down, Pat, like I have my shoulders down and back. And speaking of my back, like I've really been working all my back muscles and

everything. Because you know, being a child of the 80s, it was all do what can you bench, what can you bench, right? And it was all benching and curling, you do tries or whatever, but you wouldn't do it. And you would you would you do that shit, you know, like I was talking about where it'd be like, you know, if you're picking up somebody's luggage, you know, straight up to do your trapeze is there, but you wouldn't do the middle of your back, your lower back or anything, your shoulders would get pulled forward and up. And then you'd be benching like that. And then eventually you'd blow out your fucking rotator cuff. So I now know not to do that. I'm still not benching. I bench now I do like, eventually I'm just going to do like dumbbells,

because it allows allows your shoulders to move independently. You know, so you're not married to one shoulder or the other, you know, it's almost like, you know, the differ how the differential works in your car, right? It allows both wheels in the back to turn independently. So one doesn't get fucking around the turn faster than the other for all your mechanics out there. So I was watching this guy at the gym today. And like the lat pulldown is the big fucking exercise that I need to do if I'm eventually going to get back to do and be able to handle my body weight to do a pull-up again. So I can win my bet of being able to do 10 of those when I'm 70. I have less than 20 years before I'm 70, if you can fucking believe it. That's how fast life goes

by. Started this podcast, I was only 39. So this guy comes in, he's probably my age, but in my vein, vagueness, I probably think he's like five years older than me. But I do that a lot, where I think people are 10 years older than me. They're like three years younger than me. And it's obviously not because of the way I look. It's my fucking vanity. So this guy, I think he's in a hurry or whatever, but he was doing these lat fucking pulldowns. And it was like, rather than sitting up, you know, sitting up straight, shoulders down and back, and then not letting your shoulders coming up, standing up, grabbing the bar and then coming down. And I do, you know, explode down one, two, and then one, two, three, four going up, right? With weight that you can

handle, keeping your shoulders down and back. This fucking guy was doing almost the whole stack. And how he would get it down was as he brought it down, he would like lean back, and then he would use the momentum of leaning back and then pull it down. And I took video, really, you know, I would never show this guy on the internet, but just to show my trainer. And I was just like, just out of curiosity, what muscles is this person actually working instead of their lats? Because it's the lat pulldown. And the person looked at it and said, he's working his triceps, his groin, and he's on his way to having a herniated disc. And I got to tell you the amount of fucking people that I've seen in there, now I'm not trying to be, you know,

I know a couple, I know my form now, so I'm trying to be like the snob at the gym. I'm just letting you guys know, having worked through this fucking injury for the last two years, because I was that guy, I was never quite that bad. But my shoulders were up and all that. And I had this big fucking problem that ended up being a blessing. Because I found out how fucked up my body was, and I needed to get it all untwisted and all, you know, fucking yoked, and all these different places. And now I'm trying to build it back up again. But I was always one of those people like, why am I going to get a personal trainer? Like, I would always just look at somebody doing an exercise and be like, Oh, what's that for? Okay, I'll try those. And I, it's fucking pointless

unless you get the form down. So you really should get a trainer. And then I imagine trainers are just like comedians, where, you know, you have your top 10%. The David tells the Dave Chappelle's those level. And then you got a bunch of fucking dick joke hacks out there that you got to make sure that you have like the right fucking person. And I guess the red flag would be if they just said, Hey, do this exercise. And they didn't work too much on your form. Make sure you get somebody that that teaches you the form and all of that. And so you don't hurt yourself and end up in the situation that I'm in. And that poor bastard at the gym, I wanted to say something to him. But he had like this fucking crazy type a, I'm in a fucking rush vibe. I think I'm not gonna say like,

it's almost like telling somebody that they're working out wrong is almost like going up to somebody you don't know and giving them advice on how to raise their kid. I feel like this, what do you guys think? And that's just something you don't do. I think if you were like a personal trainer, you almost have to come in like an apology. Hey, man, not trying to get in your kitchen here, buddy, but you're gonna, you're gonna get a herniated disc doing that. But then you're, he's gonna have to like go into his ego and be a take half of what you're lifting and then do it the right way. And I just don't think he's, you know, you know what, back doctors need business to why the fuck am I going to get involved? You know, what am I going to go there and start

mansplaining and then all of a sudden the lesbians at the gym and the feminists start, yeah, I actually shouldn't say lesbian, I should say feminist, right? I'm sure there's some open-minded lesbians out there that wouldn't mind a little lat pull down fucking explanation. All right, if you were confused by that, don't worry, I was too. Okay, let's get into the questions for the week here. All right, fresh box. Okay, wait, wait, let me see here. Okay, Bill, great emails for the week. Fresh box 23 got a lot of responses. Your request for advice for the 23 year old virgin in London with strict parents. I only included responses from chicks because that's who you asked to get emails in from. But it should be noted about 50 guys wrote in with

their advice responses from around the world with different advice. Yeah, I figured, you know, women would know better. So anyways, this is this woman, she's 23, she's working on a goddamn doctorate or something crazy like that. And she wants to know, she's a virgin, she wants to know how to get out there and meet a nice fella instead of some guy on Tinder, I believe is the bad dating site. If that's a reference, I hear younger comics using. All right, fresh. Okay, so here we go. Here's some women helping out. Fresh box 23. Okay, because her vagina is fresh. Has any dirty dicks in there and she's 23 years old. That's right. Fresh box 23 was in the subject. Okay. All right, clam podcast listener. All right. Hey there, Bill Bow Baggins. I'm a fellow clam

podcast listener responding to the 23 year old lady who wrote on your Monday morning podcast. Don't go on them. Don't go on them dating apps. Most of them just want to bang or they are closet gay men or they are serial killers who still live with their moms. I also did not date until my mid twenties for the same reason. And I found that the most effective way to meet guys was to get a bunch of single girlfriends and go speed dating. You get to meet these men in the flesh and see them sweating in their shirts, awkwardly palming their sweaty drinks. Where do you go speed dating? It's funny and endearing and you'll have a better chance getting matched to a human being. The fact that they were nervous, I would think that there's something about them that they're

a better guy. You know, I can't say a better guy, but then you don't want to be all nervous when they're going out in the job world. It's a difficult, difficult thing trying to pick the right person. Anyways, other options are to join a church group that does charity work or meet a good day. You meet somebody or a fellow studious working professional at school, but don't bang anyone at work. That's how I met my now soon to be ex-husband. Oh my God, so you just gave all of this great advice and then you have a failed relationship at the end? What is she supposed to do? I think there was some good things there. Join a church group that does charity work, maybe not through the church if you're not into that shit. Do some

charity work, but then just make sure you vet because that's also where I would think a psycho might go to try to get some open-minded slash a little naive when it comes to street smarts. Always have your guard up. Oh, did I mention I saw that movie 8th grade? Did I tell you that? I went to go see it. I didn't even know Bo Burnham directed it. I just heard it was good and God damn it, I wanted to see a movie and I went to go see it and it's fucking great. It's great. There's one scene in there that is excruciating to watch, but I think it's important that like preteen teen girls see it because it's really a, I don't know, it's fucking brutal. It's a lot of creeps out there, but it doesn't get, it gets creepy enough, but not to the point

where you're like, I wish I never saw this fucking movie, but it's, you know, the way it was handled, I thought was perfect and it's great to see a fucking comedian out there directing a movie that good, huh? Everybody thinks all we could do is jump around talking about our dicks, look at that, look at Bo Burnham crushing it. So go check that out. Support a fellow comedian and support cinema, live cinema. All right. Fresh box 23. Hey, Billy Bobble Dick. That's a great one. I friggin love your podcast. You're truly the inner monologue in my head for almost every scenario in my life. I find myself in. I'm a 29 year old from Dorchester. Dorchester Mass and I'm a biology student in a committed relationship. My advice to this broad

from England looking for love, dating apps are what I would describe as a last resort. And I believe that's something that I suggested to her. Maybe I'm just old school, but the reality is most people on dating apps are most people in real life these days. What you see on bumble is what you see in real life. There's not really one app that's better than the other. They all house most of the douchebaggery in the world. So what's the difference? Me people platonically is what I would suggest. Who wants a baby daddy from Tinder? All right. Well, how does she do this? But hey, who am I to judge? Get some girlfriends. Then they introduce you to single friends at a fucking barbecue or some shit like that. I do know some girlfriends who have met their husbands off dating

sites. But hey, come to think of it, their husbands seriously suck seriously suck just so many dicks on so many levels. All right. So I think dating apps is out. That's what I've learned so far. Keep on keeping on. I can't wait to see at the garden. Oh, wait, wait, that's it. So what was your advice? Okay, basically, stay with the dating apps. It seems like you get a group of girlfriends. You go out in a herd. As the guys are in the tall grass, peeking up, waiting to find a weak one. And I guess somehow you I don't know. Anyways, wait, let me just read the rest of this. Keep on keeping on. I can't wait to see at the garden in October, Bill, you redheaded stepchild. And hey, England Broad, it's, it'll get easier.

Just stick your tits out there. And it, it's like flies to honey. You'll quickly realize how easy it is. All right, there's a lot of advice and a lot of different directions in there. But you know, she's studying biology and she's from Dorchester. So she's getting a lot of mixed signals there. All right, Fresh Brocks 23 from a lady, dear Billy Big Tits. I just finished listening to your podcast from August 6th. And I have a few suggestions for the girl who's late to the dating game. I'm only 21, but I'm certainly not fresh out of the box. And I know a few things. Number one, use bumble, not Tinder. Okay, now she's saying, she's saying a dating app on bumble. The girls have to message first. So you can do some flirting. Oh, so you can do all of that for

flirting. You can do some filtering out of dudes who seem creepy without feeling pressured to respond to a message. Tinder is good if you want to get laid. If you're trying to weed out the guys who just want to get their dicks wet, tell them you're saving yourself until marriage. You can always change your mind later. Quote, oh, so you just tell them you're saving yourself till marriage. And that just makes a bunch of most of the guys will just, who are just looking to get laid, I guess we'll leave you alone. Anyways, number two, my friends love to pit me out. I'm sure if you ask yours, they would too. Three, like Bill said, fine and activity, lots of cities have sports leagues that could that could be a good place to spark to start. Thanks and go fuck yourself.

I really think out of all the advice that I just read there. I would say stay away from all dating apps. And I you need to get a hobby, you need to carve out some time, some social time. And like, you know, some sort of sport charity work, a cooking class, just get yourself out there where it's like, those are really good. I feel like there's a lot of decent people in those things sports, you know, you can find the controlling type A dick. But, you know, that guy also is going to crush it a lot of times in the real world. So depends on if you want an in ground pool or not. I don't know what you're looking for. Um, but there you go. There's some advice for you. Good luck. And don't settle. All right.

Don't settle. The guy's being a dick. Fuck him. There's, there's, you know, there's going to be a good guy out there for you. You don't ever have to fucking sell. Send it back. This food's too cold. All right. Black guys perspective on stand your ground. All right, dear Bill, hope you the lovely Nia and the talented toddler are doing well. All right. First off, there's a lot of white guys saying they're black guys on the internet. So we'll see how this goes. Or there's a lot of Republicans saying they're Democrats and vice versa. You know, I'm a Republican and I got to say, no, I hate Donald Trump and I'm a Republican. They always do that shit. So who knows if this guy's black or not. But anyways, here we go. I

wanted to share my opinion on the growing frustrations with situations like this and how they are handled, viewed and discussed. No resist respect to you or your platform. I respect where you're coming from on this topic. I am a 28 year old born and raised in Brooklyn. That may not mean what it used to. But I know you're familiar with what this detail implies. Imagine boys in the hood, but dialed down to about four out of 10. That's roughly what I grew up in. I had to learn how to avoid and resolve conflicts like the one that led to that disgusting and pointless loss of life. I want to begin by disagreeing with the shooter, deciding to pull the trigger. Yeah, it was ridiculous. He got pushed down on the ground and the guy started

to walk away. I personally could not pull the trigger on a person like that, though I can imagine being in a position leading up to that moment. I don't want to live in a world where this behavior is condoned. I'd also like to point out that people where I'm from, pull the trigger for less. Yeah, I'm not advocating that one group of people shouldn't shoot people and other people should. I'm just saying that if you yell at somebody's girlfriend or wife and the guy comes out and pushes you down to the ground, that's not a reason to use deadly force. I mean, that's like wild West shit. Anyways, I think all of the adults made bad choices that escalated to the situation. 100% agree with that. First, using the differently labeled parking when there are other available

spots is a dick move. Absolutely arguing in defense of a move like that. This is even worse. This is speculation, but knowing what I know about my own people in a certain type of black woman, if I as a black man even politely said something to that woman, there is a very little chance she'd respond politely. Now this is what I don't know. This is a fucking white dude or a black guy. Insert me in that situation unarmed. The man would have knocked me down just like he did the white dude, the white guy and fuck me up. No news coverage. My own people would have said I should have shut the fuck up. Yeah, but he didn't fuck him up. He just pushed him down and started to walk away. If he pushed him down and started swinging on him,

I gotta be honest, even then, even then I feel like to then pull a gun. This guy's throwing hands. Don't you throw hands back? Is this like the untouchables? Someone brings a knife and you bring a gun? I mean, this is literally a fucking gas station. Anyways, this is why I wouldn't have said shit. I would have minded my own business. That's the school I'm from. But that is the pro and con of where I come from and the world in general, I suppose you mind your own business, but then you add to a culture where people disobey laws, big or small and no one is supposed to stand up for decency. Though it is not hurting anyone in that usual sense. It's not cool to park in those spots and it shouldn't be tolerated.

Yes, but shouldn't that guy have stepped to the guy, you know, rather than waiting to the guy leaves and he yells at the woman, then he put he kind of put him in that fucking macho position to stick up for his lady. Yeah, everybody was wrong in that, you know, but I mean, to then turn around and fucking shoot the guy. I mean, it's just, it's as he's, you know, starts to walk away. It's just fucking insane. Anyways, the black guy should not have initiated the physical contact, never wound what you can't kill or the black version, don't start shit, you can't finish. It didn't even look like he tried to dissolve the conflict in another way. Also, you never know what a stranger is carrying legal weaponry or otherwise. Yeah, that's true.

In New York, everything is illegal, but that doesn't stop anyone. The black guy was about to stop that white man out. Do you think that because I thought he pushed him down and then walked away? I recognize that body language anywhere. He only backed up after seeing the gun at which point the entire situation should have been over. That's another thing he could have waved the gun at him. I'm not saying that the lady driving the car or that guy did anything right, but to just fucking shoot the guy is nuts. I mean, who continues to charge when they see a gun? A detail I'd like to point out is that the black guy did not put his hands up when the white man pulled on him. This is because we black men have to look badass to matter this. I don't

fucking know about this shit. I don't know, but I don't know who fucking wrote this. You see, this is because we black men have to look badass to matter the circumstances. However, my hands would bend so high in the air I could have tickled God's feet. The white guy is supposedly known for fucking with people over disabled parking spots. He also supposedly mentally unstable. If those are facts, he shouldn't have been on the street or allowed to carry a fucking gun. Yeah, well, that's another thing too. I actually do a bit about this, how they shut down the nut houses. When I was a kid, if you were fucking crazy, they put you in the nut house and you combine the fact that nut houses, they just have those people walking down

the street now and people who are into guns don't want to wait more than 15 minutes to get one. You're going to have a fucking problem. Anyways, none of this shit should have happened. I'm tired of seeing my people, especially men, die over dumb shit and it only becomes news if there is a white person involved. Also, men have to rise above getting into goofy arguments on behalf of women, especially when they're wrong. She's likely not going to get hurt, but you are as a dude. Yeah, that is true. Not sure if you can feel where I'm coming from, but I want to make my fellow black men to be smarter and safer. Kids need their fathers. Best a fan for Brooklyn PS. Met you once at the Beacon Theatre Show. We'll see you at MSG. You are awesome. Well, thank you

very much. I agree with everything that you said there, although I don't think it looked like he was going to stomp him out, as you said. I also think that you just take out a gun. If you take out a gun, everybody fucking runs. I don't know why that guy didn't fucking run. Maybe you just stunned, although I remember being at a meet and greet, one of the last ones I did, and this guy fucking went to take a picture of his girlfriend and wife, wanted a picture with me, and he went to reach in to pull out his camera and a fucking loaded nine millimeter fell on the floor. And this is how I reacted. I went, whoa, and pointed at it. Then he picked it up and ran out of there because we were in a casino and it was on Native American land and you're not

allowed. It turned out he was an off-duty cop. They kind of fucking handled it, but I remember saying to the security guy, I said, Jesus Christ. I go, you fucking see that? He goes, what happened? I go, a fucking guy just, I had a loaded nine millimeter just fell on the ground and the security guy goes, oh, lucky I didn't see that. I was like, I almost hit you in the foot. But that's where my cul-de-sac suburban upbringing came into effect, where that was my first experience with that, so I was stunned. But now I've played that over my head a zillion times over. That ever happens again. Kick the fucking gun. Well, if it's a glock, you actually can kick it. Anything else that might go off. I tackle the guy, run anything other than be like, oh, your gun's right there, sir. All right.

Out of everything you said, I really truly believe that the reason why I don't fuck with people, aside from the fact that I'm half a century old and never really took any martial arts, you don't know what the fuck you're running into. You have no fucking idea. The training, the weaponry, the level of psycho, the kind of day they're having. If a loved one just passed away, you have no idea what's going on in somebody's fucking life. And you are rolling the fucking dice with your life when you make a move like that, which I understand. But I think it is fucking insane that there's a state out there that allows citizens like the fucking Wild West to solve their problems like that, that you could just shoot an unarmed guy that pushed you down on

the ground. That's like some shit out of like Wyatt Earp. And all you gun guys are going to flip out. Just picture how the average fucking person drives. Just watch the average person go through a fucking security line at the airport. The amount of awareness, the amount of empathy, the mouth of mouth, breathing fucking morons and the fact that any of them can go out and get a fucking gun and then stand their ground using that fucking 20 year old laptop between their ears that is their fucking brain. I mean, that is some crazy, crazy level of fucking second degree, I mean, second amendment, fucking freedom that usually leads to fucking second degree murder as far as I understand. I am not an anti gun guy, but I am also like, you know,

I just don't want people, you know, walking around like they're in fucking West world. All right, girlfriends, parents, no, in defense of Florida, you don't see that every day, though. You know, you do not see that every day. So I don't know. There's always arguments on both sides. Girlfriends, parents, no. Hey, Bill, I'm 17 going into my senior year of high school, and I'm dating this amazing girl who's about to be a junior. She's half black, half Filipina. Is that how you say it? Filipino, Filipina. I'm a few days darker. I'm a few shades days, few shades darker than a piece of printer paper. Anyways, hey, welcome to the club, buddy. Anyways, we've been dating for about a month now and obviously we've hooked up a couple of times

and neither one of our parents even knew. A couple days ago, her parents asked her if I was a virgin and for some God unknown reason, she told them that I had been with a couple of other girls during high school. That wasn't a big deal until today when they started asking if her and I had ever had sex. Apparently she didn't get the female lying gene and told them everything. Well, I mean, it sounds like she has a really open relationship with her parents. I don't know what to do. I'm sure as a dad, you can imagine what you would do to a guy in my position. And her dad is six foot for 260 pound black dude. I'm about six foot to 160 on a good day. So I'm not stacking up well against that. I'm not looking forward to going back over to our house and talking to her parents

or meeting her older brother that's coming to town on Monday. Any advice from you and Nia and how to not get killed would be great. Yeah, dude, I would be a fucking man about it and I would go over there and just be honest. Just say what you're done and how you feel about her daughter. And then what do they get? I mean, what are you gonna do? I don't know. I don't know how old are you is how old you're 17. Okay, see, I don't know what the fucking how old is your girlfriend? Dude, don't listen to me. I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know what to do. Now you got me all fucking nervous. I would have to think that if she fucking if he asked her, they asked her what she's doing and she

was just honest about it. They seem a little fucking open minded. Like if if if I don't know, this is crazy thing to say, but if if she knew that he was going to flip out and try to fucking kill you, why would she say something? She could be scared of him. I don't know, dude, you got yourself into a little bit of a quagmire. I have no idea. I have no idea, dude. I would go over there and when he says, what's up little man, I'd be like, hey, you know, I guess that's when as a man, you get into your hypocritical years when you meet another guy who is doing or trying to do exactly what the fuck you were doing when you were 17. It doesn't sound like you're running around trying to dog other chicks and do all of

this type of shit. I don't fucking know. You know what? I don't know. I don't fucking know. And now I'm thinking what's going to happen when my daughter gets that fucking age. I have no idea. I have no idea. All I know is that I'm hoping she's at least going to be a brown belt in jujitsu, you know, which I actually, I, you know, I think every woman should learn that shit. You know, it's perfect. It's in close. And if a guy's, you know, doing something you don't want him to do, it's so fucking easy. Arm bar, get him in a triangle, but if they don't even want to fuck, you know, choke him out and then just call the cops. There he is. It's perfect. You know, I don't fucking know. Anyways, Jesus Christ, now you get me thinking all this crazy

shit. All I can say is good luck to you, sir. And you got some decisions to make. I mean, what do you want to keep seeing this woman? I mean, what are you going to do? I feel like you kind of got to go over there. So the guy respects you. Then what's he going to do? Six foot four, he's going to beat the shit out of a 17 year old. Wait a minute. You're not in Florida. Are you? If you're in Florida, don't go over there because he might stand his ground. All right. I got to go. You guys, thank you so much. You're awesome for writing in all you women who wrote in, all you ladies who wrote in. I really appreciate that because I wanted to give that woman some good advice and we needed to hear it from the ladies. I'm going to be in Las Vegas this weekend

with Joe Botnick. I'm flying out in the fucking helicopter. And then the day after I'm getting, before I go home, I'm flying over to Utah to fly through some like fucking canyons and all this shit that I'm coming back. It's going to be fucking incredible. And I'm picking up eight hours on the stick creeping towards 200. That'll get me up to about a buck 85. And I'm very, very excited. And I've decided that I want to get my instrument rating as a pilot because every pilot I talk to is like, that is a fucking game changer. I just have to carve out some time where I can do it. And I figure if Tom Cruise can figure out how to point it at the ground and do fucking 360 says he's doing it. God damn it. I can get my instrument rating. All right. That's it. Go fuck

yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Me with a glaver.