Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 8-14-17

Episode Date: August 14, 2017

Bill rambles about luxury apartments, the Jersey Shore and being a hypocrite.

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Going on, how are ya? How's it going? Oh my god Paul Verzi fucking destroyed last night on his stand-up special in Tarrytown, New York And I want to thank everybody that came out For the two shows that we had there And we just, I don't know, it just went as good as it could have gone, I felt And I was really proud of them

That first one's always, you know, you gotta figure out how to go up there and try and be relaxed As you're like, holy shit, I'm shooting a special Look at those TV cameras, look at the jib cameras swinging by my damn face, you know You gotta block all of that, know that the crowd's gonna be looking at that shit, you know You learn that they have to turn off the fucking air conditioning Because most of those old venues, the AC so friggin' loud it messes with the audio So you're then gonna go out there under hot lights with HD makeup on With no AC and progressively through your set, it's gonna get hotter

So, he learned all of that, and you know something, god damn it He saw the fire and he fucking walked through it And he just, I don't know, it just couldn't have gone any better And there you go So, we're gonna add that thing down and hopefully sell it to one of the god damn networks That's the goal So congratulations to Paul Verzi That's it, he put him to bed

I told him that before he went out there, I was just like, dude, just look at it this way, okay You're putting all these jokes to bed This is it, okay, go out there and give them the send off they deserve Because the second your special comes out, everyone's seen that material then you can't do it again And everybody will be like, dude, you already did that You did that on your last fucking special You know, your last special called Chuckle Hut What the fuck is wrong with my god damn computer?

I've been having, oh my god, I've been having like the worst technology experiences What is going on? Why is the screen just all black? I'm gonna go to touch it And it does that, what does that mean? Can I hit escape? Can I hit escape? Why don't they have an escape button for your life? Oh, it worked, it worked The old escape button You know, somebody could turn that into literally like turning it into a movie

A big time Hollywood movie You know, the escape button movie You go in there, you can pitch it, hey, you know that escape button on your keyboard and on your laptop They'd be like, yup, yup, uh-huh Just a minute, this guy, he fucking, he pushes it, you know And he disappears And all of a sudden his wife is like, wait a minute, I thought I told you to go to the store, where'd he go? And then whenever he fucking comes to, he's always, uh

Let's flush this, let's flush out this fucking awful movie He was always in someplace better at first But then there's, you know, he goes to a baseball game, he's like, this is amazing And then, you know, no one believes that it's true except for his dumb fat best friend You know, they hit escape again, then they're at a steakhouse, you know, they just keep hitting escape And then eventually they, uh, there's some fucking, I don't know, where the hell did they go? They had escape and they end up in fucking Syria, in North Korea That's where you get a note from the industry

Could it not be North Korea? Could it be, could it be like Canada? Like Winnipeg, what if they went to Winnipeg? That's funny, right? I just feel like with today's political climate to say North Korea I just think that, you know, then they're starving and we like the fat friend Fat is funny, fat is non-threatening Um, I don't know, you guys can finish the rest of the fucking movie Uh, anyways, um, so I was very proud of Paul and all that type of stuff And, uh, gonna try to keep the podcast light, uh, despite all that fucking, just horrible shit

That happened down in Charlottesville, it's just fucking, I don't know where to go I did hear one fucking funny thing about it I mentioned, I'm gonna say who I mentioned it to I mentioned it to somebody else, I go, Jesus Christ, dude, can you fucking believe that shit down there in Charlottesville? And he goes, he goes, no, what happened? I mean, I don't know, I don't know if that is like, I don't, I don't know how you missed it But I mean, there literally is that much information coming out at you that you could miss all that shit that went down there And, uh, I mean, I don't even need to comment on what the fuck went on down there

If you're any sort of a human being Uh, you know That dude in that fucking car, I swear to God, like, I'm trying to think of a proper punishment for that guy And I can't think, nothing is like enough to fucking drive, just do that, you know You know, it's funny about that guy, as I bet that guy has talked about ISIS and how cowardly terrorism is And then he gets in a car and does what the fuck he did, it's just like, it's like, I don't know There must have been, I mean, obviously, beyond joining that fucking group, there's something wrong with that guy mentally Um, anyways, um, see, that's why I didn't want to bring it up, where do you go from there?

And then fucking Trump, I'm done with that guy, the guy's just no longer funny or anything, he's, uh, I'm just done with that fucking guy The fact that he wouldn't just straight up denounce it, the fact that he's gonna go, oh, you know, there's hatred on both sides, hatred on both sides He's doing like that, you know, what came first, the chicken or the egg, slavery, slavery came first, you fucking dope, it's documented It's just so funny, like, he's been catering to that racist fan base because he needed their votes I'm not saying everybody voted for Trump is racist, but like, for that fucking guy to do that, it's absolutely fucking reprehensible It's sickening, fucking sickening, okay? And I'm not a fucking, you know, I'm not one of these guys that thought the sky was falling because this guy got in the office You know, everybody freaking the fuck out, like, what the fuck was gonna happen

But I will just say his track record on the Klan, you know, to be just not even commenting on it and being... Do you know if I was doing stand-up and people in the Klan started showing up? I would be looking, what the fuck am I saying that's making these people be like, oh yeah! This guy approves of what we do At the very least, I'd be like, hey, not for nothing, you guys over there with the hoods on, I fucking, you know I'm not down with you guys, I fucking can't see your morons, your fucking morons And he never does it, never does it You know?

And I think he was just trying to make a joke with the cops about the hood, don't push their heads But just all the shit that you've seen, all that police brutality that's been going on, to make that fucking joke The guy, it's unbelievable, and now I'm hearing like... This is what, I'm not even a name, fucking names, but like all these, you know, it's like fucking... Taylor Swift now is gonna run for Senate People, we can't go down this fucking road At the very least, can we at least stick with career fucking politicians? Can we at least do that, can we, you know?

Would you want, like, you want me to be your fucking accountant? You want a comedian to be an accountant? Why would you want an actor or a musician? A fucking, God knows what else I just, I don't know, I don't even know what the fuck we're doing now I just, I don't even know what the fuck we're doing So, anyways, that happened and, you know, fortunately it wasn't a big rally, you know? The Nazis are still a little mom and pop fucking group Which, you know, that's about the only good thing that I took away from it

But, I don't know, you know what's fucked up about the whole thing though? As I said, I wasn't gonna talk about it Is, when people started texting me, like, dude, you watching this shit? So, I go online, you know, to watch a video of the rally and all the bullshit to see what's going on And I go on and when I click on it, I immediately see Bobby Flay And he's selling me something from Lipton Ice Tea So, what's so fucked up is, and I think it was actually on the Huffington Post And I fucking hate those guys, you know, and they're all liberal as hell

Can you fucking believe it's a blob? It's like, dude, you're making money off of it, you're making money off of it So, there's something, you would think on just something like, this is so reprehensible We shouldn't even put a fucking ad in front of it Other than that, I understand you're gonna make your money I have advertising on my fucking podcast But there was just something fucked up like, this is the most horrible blobble bloat Whatever the fuck they have as a headline and then you click it on

And there's this fucking Bobby Flay selling me fucking Ice Tea But, you know, that's how the game's played, I guess Anyway, so let's get the fuck out of that, alright? Boo Nazis Boo Donald Trump Being a fucking pussy That guy's such a fucking... I'm so sick of him and that fucking guy from North Korea acting like they're tough guys

Acting like they're tough You know what I mean? They should fight the fucking undercard on a McGregor Mayweather Alright, why don't you guys settle your fucking beef I'd love to see the two of them put on fucking the whole fucking get up The box and shorts, the mouth guard, the gloves, the boots, and go out there And you just really see what a couple of pansies, you know, that fatty Donald Trump with his fucking wig flopping around

It'd probably be funnier than all the stand-up specials that came out this year combined It would have been tremendous Like, that's the way... I think that that's the way they should solve world problems Although, you know, what's his face is like a black belt in Judah Vladimir Putin That fucking... that dude looks like a bad guy in like, you know, those spy movies, right? Alright, I'm in over my head Why do I try to talk politics?

Because that's what everybody's fucking talking about and asking me about, I guess But how about those Red Sox taking two out of three from the New York Yankees I had a hundred bucks on each game, you know I got 50 with Verzin, 50 with my agent, right? They're both Yankee fans So, you know, we fucking blew that first one, middle reliever I don't know what happened to him By the way, did you see that guy in the Mets?

He swung his leg around, made that weird pitching motion And he fucking slammed his balls between his thighs And then after that his fucking pitching hand went numb Figure that one out Figure that one out Why the fuck are guys wired like that? Why if you get... how the design fall of men That you could throw an object and somehow basically kick yourself in the balls

And then your throwing hand goes numb It's unreal You know what it is? The men are like the Death Star, right? We got that one little shaft All you do is you just fucking throw something down And then the whole fucking thing blows up And that would be our nuts, you know

I don't know what the women one is Women you just tell me look older And then that's it, the whole fucking planet explodes Ah, shit Um, anyways I remember I was going to talk about it I've been having like the worst technology fucking weekend here I'm about to buy my second cell phone charger of the weekend

I brought one, I left it at the theater And then the next day I woke up and I bought one I bought one And drove from fucking... What the hell was I? Red Bank, New Jersey, up to Tarrytown, New York And then I don't know what happened I don't know where the wire went

But I fucking lost that one So now I gotta go buy a fucking other one It's just... I don't know My phone, my fucking computer just keeps cutting out I guess now that I hit the escape button I'm fine I don't know I'm just not meant to live in this fucking era

Of all of this shit I need to go back to when there was just like rotary phones Which was impossible to lose because you wouldn't take it with you It was just in your house The only way you lost it is if there was a fucking sinkhole under your house And you lost all your house so there was a fire in your house You know? Or somebody came to murder you with the black gloves

And they would fucking cut the phone wire Then you lost your phone And you lost your life But you say you didn't care, right? What I'm trying to say was it was a simpler time But I gotta tell you dude I'm fucking sold on the Jersey Shore by the way All these years

All these years of Paul Verzi Great Paul Verzi He fucking crushed his special last night He's been shitting on New Jersey I fucking... I finally had to say to him I was like dude I don't know what your deal is with this fucking state I don't know why you think you know

There's more animals that live here than New York There are I'll give them that It's a little dirtier animal in New Jersey But they're the underdogs So I was going around Tarrytown And I was just taking pictures of people All the fucking animals that are up here

What it is about this part of This neck of the woods Like fucking Westchester Is it so fucking beautiful up here It cleans up the animal You don't see it But if you really If you fucking block out the trees

And the beautiful houses and buildings Behind these people And you really look at them You know it's a bunch of animals I went into Tarrytown And there was a bunch of people Like all the new rage now Have you seen like those motorcycles

But they're really small We used to call them mini bikes But they look like It's like somebody took a ninja And they just made it smaller Like this whole group of them Was riding through like a motorcycle gang I don't know if they were mocking motorcycle gangs

I have no idea I don't know if they were more likely To beat the shit out of you Because they're insecure About the size of their motorcycles I don't get how it fucking works But there was like 40 of them Wheeee

All riding through town And I was laughing my ass off Going here I am Here I am in fucking You know if I'm not in Westchester I'm always in Westchester Look at these fucking animals And I already learned up here

There's already a There's always this snooty thing In all the fucking real estate You know are you above the boulevard Are you below the boulevard Are you on the flatlands Are you in the hills Are you on this side of the tracks

Or that side of the tracks This side of the river Other side of the bridge Up here I already found out That there was this snooty If you live on the other side Of the Tappanzee bridge Or the Tappanzee bridge

Is my fucking Google map lady was saying When I was driving up there Make a right to go on to Exit 1C for Tappanzee bridge Yeah You're less than You live on the other side

Of the river Stuff is cheaper over there It's more expensive to live here Therefore you are less than me You are less than God likes you less God loves everyone But he loves you less

Because you live on the other side Of the fucking river I actually cornered this woman Last night who was in real estate Right She's up at the bar Right now I'm going up there To go get a couple rounds of drinks

Or whatever people You know cause I'm a hell of a guy And she's like As far as he's special I said that's great You know I do the Tappanzee What do you do She goes I'm in real estate

I said wonderful I got some questions for you And I fucking grilled her Went law and order on her And I fucking Was breaking it down To find out What's the deal

With all of these luxury apartment buildings They're going up like fucking Like luxury apartment buildings That's how many luxury apartment buildings They're building in New York and Los Angeles The only reference is what they are And I'm like What's the deal

With these fucking luxury apartments Who is building them Why are they building them What kind of a fucking moron Pays rent in a luxury apartment When they could actually just go Buy something and live in it That was less than the luxury apartment

But at least they would own that Who makes that dumb decision First of all Who's paying for these She said it's a lot of foreign money China Russian Middle East

Money Right Then I go alright Who the fuck's living in them And she basically said I go When I said who's dumb enough To throw money in the toilet like that

She said about 15% of the population I go alright So you're banking on I go how do you Put your head on the pillow every night She goes this isn't my passion I go but you're selling them How do you do that

How do you fucking go Alright Come on Lower 15% dummies Please walk into my office today Long story short I go when does it burst When she goes well you know

People seem to keep building them They keep throwing When does it burst Well you know When does it burst She goes two years Dead serious She goes two years

Two years It's gonna be fucking over So here's what you do I go you sit on your fucking money Alright If you need to buy something now Because the fucking This is me

I'm like that fucking bald guy Who screams about taxes I mean the stocks I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about But from that little fucking conversation That I had about 3.30 in the morning As we were closing down

This fucking bar Celebrating Paul Verzi Crushing his special I'm telling you right now Just sit on your fucking money Like oh I don't know What the fuck did I say initially I guess I said yeah

If you're getting killed in taxes And you gotta buy something now Just Don't rent a fucking A fucking luxury apartment This is gonna be the dumbest fucking thing You could ever do Look at the luxury of this

Look at all this luxury That I'm paying for that I don't fucking own Just hang in there In two years you'll be able to buy The fucking building Of course you won't Because it'll still cost millions of dollars

But you know what I'm saying Don't be a fucking sap Alright All those buildings are doing Is killing everybody's fucking view You know They're all gonna be fucking empty Within two years

Now I'm calling it right They're all gonna be People are gonna be jumping out Of those fucking things In two years We're taking callers I don't know I don't fucking know

All I know is I haven't been home In too many days I miss my daughter and my wife And I can't wait to get back And And that's it I got a nice ten days off But dude I had the best fucking time

Down on the Jersey Shore The fucking food was amazing I went down to this place Juniors I don't even know where I was at Alright Like it was pretty cool I had a different opener every night

Verzi opened the first night Fucking killed it I went to bed like a god damn angel Like a fucking angel Alright I'm already white as a fucking angel You know At least a ghost

Went right home Went to sleep Woke up the next day Worked out fucking crushed it Right Next day I had fucking Brett Ernst came up

Who absolutely fucking murdered Who you have to go see I hadn't seen him in years It's weird I always see him down the comedy store But he that just went up Or I'm going up Or what I'm going up

And he's going up in the other room I just hadn't seen him in a few years That dude Grown by leaps and bounds Absolute fucking monster Destroyed He had me pacing a little bit Before I was going up

But I'm like Brett's killing Brett's killing shit What am I opening with right And then later on that night He took me down to wherever the fuck he was Took me down to this place Juniors Some place on the Jersey shore

And we got a tomato pie Which I had never heard of Which is basically It's like a South Jersey filly thing Where according to them They put the cheese on first Then the tomato sauce But the one that I had

Looked more like a swirl I looked like tomato cheese Tomato cheese Like a big fucking Circular thing Like when you fucking Do computers refreshing That little pinwheel thing

That's what it looked like Fucking I might have been Might have been one of the top five pizzas Slices of pizzas I've had in a while Okay, and I'm going to tell you why Because I live in Los Angeles And all the pizza out there sucks

Even the stuff that they say is good You know It all fucking sucks Every fucking last place in LA Absolutely fucking sucks I don't know why You just Anything that involves dough

Sucks The bread sucks The pizza sucks Bagels suck All of that sucks However You know Other than that

They got a tremendous fuck Pasta sucks But you know Amazing steak houses Burgers, Thai food Mexican food That's what you do out in LA But you do not get pizza

You don't get bread You don't do any of that shit And I was coming from that Eating that shit To go into this It was fucking unbelievable That and the fucking muscles And the bread

With the fucking sauce It was unbelievable Like an asshole I'm eating this shit Like fucking two in the morning And then I kept going to this place Elsie's in Red Bank To get his sandwich

I would pay for just the bread alone By the way I went with the turkey With the cranberry sauce Over there Fucking delicious And I made the mistake of getting a large The size of my fucking legs

So the next day I went back And I got the Italian Which was amazing But I still like the turkey A little bit better So I was eating There's my stomach growls here

I was been eating Like a fucking king out here And I don't know I kind of fell in love With the Jersey Shore Always wanted to see Asbury Park

Went down there Checked that out Went into the I don't know Every place down there Is like Bruce Springsteen Or John Bon Jovi played here And I know the place

Is not called the fucking Stone Pony That's a fucking bar I used to drink in In the fucking village That is no longer there That was my fucking spot I didn't even used to drink in there Back when I had my drinking under control

Then I was hanging out with All the comics I hung out with Back then didn't drink And we'd go in there We used to play fucking video games And shoot pool And just give each other shit Like we always did

For like four or five Till four or five in the fucking morning Whatever that fucking pony place is called I know it's Sac Religious All you jerk I gotta look I gotta look You know why?

I'll get the name of it right now Cause I bought my daughter a onesie From that place Which I think she'll only be able To wear for one week Cause it looks It looks like it's the The size that she is now

Which of course my wife had to say Oh it is the Stone Pony Oh wait The Stone Crow Is the bar I used to hang out at Alright so I was saying it right I sent a picture of the onesie To my wife

And she immediately goes like What size is that Cause she's currently wearing You know This month to this month It's just like Yeah Jesus Can you just you know

Can I do one fucking thing Right over He's just fucking one thing Can I do that So last night I hung out till four in the morning But I only had a couple Of fucking drinks

Cause I kind of realized I'm not an alcohol I'm like an undiagnosed String of alcoholics You know Where I'm the classic alcoholic Where I can't just have one

Like I'm doing it I'm fucking doing it That's it Alright But the next day I can just be like Alright well now You know now I'm not drinking

And I walk around like I need it man I fucking need it I don't wake up like Missing a tooth And all of that fucking shit Like But

You know I had way too many That night when I went down To juniors And had that great food And everything And I also noticed too I was throwing them back Like fucking water

And It's just not a good thing I'm just sick of being Fucking hung over so You know last night I only had a couple I'm kind of I think I'm done

I'm just done with it I like waking up Not fucking hung over I like getting up Going to the fucking gym I like doing that shit And Yeah

I'm not saying I'm done For fucking good But I'm just kind of just Yeah I'm done I had a hell of a run Alright Started at fucking 17

Drank until about I don't know 22 And then I went like A 10 year period Where I didn't drink I barely drank Barely fucking drank

And then Then a guy named Joe de Rosa came into my life It's not fair for me To put it on him Alright But let's just say We were not good for each other

And That was probably 2004 So I'm talking like a nice I went on like a 13 year Sort of Although I took a year off One time from 2010 to 2011 A year

I went A year and two days Without drinking I've gone a couple of stretches Of 75 days 50 something days here Or there Or whatever

Yeah I mean I'm always If you've got a nice bottle Of fucking wine That's a good meal Maybe I'll have a glass But I just don't feel like But then it's like

I'm going to finish The fucking bottle I mean what are we doing here Right So I don't know I don't feel like I'm mature enough At this point in my life

You know Handless shit like that And I'm at the point too I don't think I even enjoy it anymore So For the 90th time On this fucking podcast I'm going to try to stop drinking

Social I was a social drinker I think I want to go to AA Just because I like crowds You know Just go up there And fucking make them laugh and shit Anyways

What am I talking about here How many minutes in it We're 27 minutes in here And I got to vacate this fucking Hotel room I'm sitting at this stupid ass fucking You know Fancy fucking

Sheridan, right People are like You got to stay at the fucking Sheridan These cunts I swear to God You order the internet At 1201 It goes off

And you got to buy it again Oh wait Maybe it's free All I had was an access code I take that back They're not fucking cunts Alright Let's read a little bit of

Oh by the way There's another thing too You know what I don't like about Trump supporters Is when they compartmentalize That racist shit When they go like You know

Hey That stuff where he doesn't condone You know He doesn't Chastise The Klansmen That not Neo-Nazis

They like him I don't like that I don't like that part But I'll tell you I think the way he's handling Been Hillary I don't like that I don't like that part

But I'll tell you Hillary You know I can't fucking stand either But at some point You know what I mean It's like if you had a friend Right

He's a good friend of yours But He was also in the Klan Dude He's such a great host You have him over You know He's fucking

He's really polite But he drops the N-word I mean at some point Don't you have to have Some sort of a standard You can't tell me That there's not a better Republican out there

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Honest human beings One of the most honest human beings ever You know, it's kind of hard watching the guy What he does to himself But like I swear to God, like Remember in Scarface when that guy goes I like you, Tony

There's no lying in you, you know There's lying in everybody But John Daly, I think he If they should recast They should fucking green screen him in there You know, can somebody Photoshop that And somebody just says, I like you, John Daly There's no lying in you

They'd just be like, you know How much at the height of your drinking When you're drinking a day He goes, I drink like a case of beer Some days up to maybe 35, 40 And they go 35, 40 He's like, oh yeah And then they go then what?

He goes, I probably switched to whiskey And then he just started laughing Like just being like, I know it's fucked up He talked about how he played his best golf When he was a little drunk He was like, you know, the ball You know, you just hit the ball better You know, you're looser

The body relaxes And I really wish I watched golf more When he was playing Because he didn't take all that fucking time When he went up to address the ball He just went up and he just fucking hit the thing Crushed it Like seriously, watching that guy swing

Is one of the most Incredible things I've ever seen in my life I actually saw some fucking idiot Did that thing where he put the T in his mouth With the ball and he let John Daly do a John Daly swing Anyway, Daly didn't fuck up, thank God But I gotta tell you something If you ever took that to the sea

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He would have been right there, you know What did you do? I shot my limo driver What did you do? I tried to hit a golf ball Out of this guy's mouth and I missed And I hit his head How far do you think John Daly could have hit a human head? That was still attached to a body So he has to rip it off the body

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Simplysafebird.com Panic room When she had to go out of the panic room And she went back in and she went to go back in There was like some issue where maybe She would have caught her fucking arm in the door And I was just thinking What if she fucking did and it closed

And then she had to make the decision Do I reopen the door Expose my kid to the bad guy Or do I just sit here while my arm Slowly just fucking dies And then I'll die in here You know Movie scripts because that would fucking happen

And everybody would be like oh my god it was terrible And then she fucking died and the kid saw it And then he couldn't figure out the code And then everybody died It was a double feature After that we showed the local news White people This is oh god we're gonna get into the race shit

Are we really gonna get into the race shit here Okay white people oh billy ambassador I'm sure you addressed the current events At the top of this podcast I know for most of it as you may have heard I just sort of trashed Trump for not having the fucking Humanity To trash

You know some of the dumbest people on the planet You know And actually Blaming the people that they attack Also I just don't fucking get it He goes I'm pretty moderate And have the same Ron Paul ideas about government

As you seem to have Sorry about the generalizations trying to keep it tight I believe anymore You said I watch my facebook feed all day Denounce white people Alright first of all why would you go on a facebook feed Are you trying to depress yourself Are you trying to make yourself upset

Why would you go on there What did you do next did you go on twitter And look up hashtag white people So you can infuriate yourself more And get an even more Like delusional view of what the population Is like You know

I don't know I mean if you watched all that shit about the clansmen You'd think that every white person was in the clan I mean it's just I don't know anyways Plowing ahead here He says I look white But I'm first generation American

With my parents coming from Italy Okay You're Italian okay I get it My policy on making general statements About entire races is About In stereotypes Sure

White people love things like jar jams But in criticism I never say white people Or black people Because if history has taught us anything It's the dumbest thing you Period I think you meant to say the dumbest thing you can do He goes I'm tired of it

All day white people this white people that I voted for Barack the first time I hate Nazis and it's fucking pathetic That I have to say that out loud I think Trump is a cunt I hate it Hillary I don't wish for the south To rise again I'm not offended As a white person I'm just tired

Of the laziness of it Am I way off here Uh Look I know what you're saying but dude It's like is this the worst thing you have to deal with You gotta expect people In a highly emotional state Alright

Such as this You know When you're in a highly emotional state You're gonna say stuff In a way that you wouldn't if you were a little more relaxed And then secondly If you're gonna fucking Go on a Facebook feed

And get upset I don't have any sympathy for you Like You know It's a Facebook feed There's no The qualifications to comment on Facebook Is you have to be smart enough

To sign up for Facebook That's it It's not a think tank It's not a Ted talk Which even those things I'm starting to think Are just a fucking bunch of snake oil salesmen Everybody acting like something fucking amazing is happening You know because somebody's up there with a laser pointer

Talking about the future Yeah I mean I understand what you're saying I'm gonna lie to you There are times where I'll see like these people being applauded For shit that they're saying And when I'm listening to what they're saying It's like if you took out white people there

And then you inserted black people Like that person was white They would be in trouble However You do have to take it with the grain of fucking salt Because of the great fucking life that you have Alright And

I don't know What the hell point is Rather than wasting time being offended You know I'm a white guy My fucking life is great You know I can pretty much go wherever the fuck I want to go

I go down to the mall I buy a t-shirt Nobody fucks with me I'm not saying it's easy But I mean compared to what other people Compared to what other people fucking have Like this is the best This is the inside lane That you know

Non-white people say some shit Or like women will say stuff about men Being like that is so fucking overtly fucking sexist And not only are you not being called out on it You're being applauded for it Like you're brave And what you're saying is just as fucking ignorant As what the fuck you're doing

However At the end of it you kind of got to be like Because of what's happening They're so fucking pissed I give it a little bit I do that But All right you know what the honest thing is

Is if I'm sitting there and the person who isn't White says it I'll get into a debate with them All right but if I'm with all white people And they're complaining about it I'll tell them to shut the fuck up I think I'm just a contrarian It all depends I don't fucking know but all I do All I know is after watching all that fucking horrible shit

Yeah I just think you know There's a certain level of empathy That you should try to tap into Try to put yourself in other people's positions A little bit more And I don't know

I guess to try to compensate For the Astounding level of fucking ignorance That's out there I guess you got to try to make yourself An even better person or somehow I don't know what to tell you Because I'll be honest with you When all people go hey I'm not in a fucking

I'm not in the clan I'm not a Nazi guy I don't belong in a hate group And all that shit Everybody has their fucking issues And when you're a comedian It's like you're running for office It's like you run this campaign that never fucking stops

And you're meeting people like I was just in Red Bank, New Jersey Now I'm in Tarrytown Now I'm going to go to fucking LA You know at the end of the month I'm going to be in Boston And New Hampshire Then I'm going to be in Mississippi and Alabama Really promoting my upcoming dates Talking about racism

I should have Bobby Flay reading this But the point is I'm going to meet all these fucking people And I don't know I got to be honest with you everywhere I go No matter where I'm at When I'm in a room

And it's just all White guys Of a certain age My generation And older You can literally take a fucking I swear to God like one of those Sands of time timers

And just go okay when is the N word coming I'm trying to remember I'm trying to remember the last time That you know it doesn't happen every time But I go in there and I literally start having anxiety Going oh god You know I look around and what I'm doing is I'm judging too And I'm like when's it coming

Someone's going to fucking say it And someone's going to say something A little borderline And it's depressing Like I was hanging Recently on a road gig And it was all white dudes in there And Mayweather accused

McGregor is saying something racist And McGregor is going You know I didn't fucking say anything racist And all this type of shit right And then this random white guy Is watching and he goes you know what What's the big deal There's an N word and that guy's whitey

I mean it's a fight who gives a fuck what you say And I'm just thinking in my head like Dude they're not saying he said that Like but that is like That's how his fucking brain Processed that information And it's I don't know it's so

It's depressing Because you know what it is Everybody thinks they're smart And everybody thinks they have it figured out You know what I mean Think about when is the last time your brain I mean sometimes your conscious gets to you But does your brain really ever say

Like I mean it takes a lot To fucking admit that you're wrong Regardless of color, sex or anything You know what I shouldn't have done that I was wrong you know I now realize Fucking ignorant that takes a And to truly mean it

Not to just get on the good side of your wife Again so she'll bang you right To truly fucking sincerely mean it And then try to make a change It takes a fucking lot And for anybody So I don't know

So I've gone through things like If somebody does says that What do I do do I fucking confront them Do I get into the fucking debate I've tried every fucking technique Do I get up and walk out every fucking technique Nothing works Nothing fucking works

And it's depressing So I try to avoid that Social situation Maybe that's what I'll do in the future Maybe that's what I'll do in the future Anyways That was like a time I don't even remember where the fuck I was

When I was in Durham North Carolina that fucking guy goes You know Bill I like you you know You're a good person You know Bill he goes I like meeting good people And I was like oh god here it comes I like meeting good people He's testing the waters he's sticking his toe in

You know Christian good Christian people White people and then boom The fucking N word comes So that guy headed off at the pass He's like you know Bill I like meeting good people I was just like oh yeah

I like meeting bad people Who the fuck doesn't like making good people And then he shut up And then he got really mad at me You know when I was talking about You know I don't know like the Middle East or something Like that and I was just going like

You know they're like us you know what I mean They got a couple of crazy fucking leaders And then everybody else there's a bunch of you and me Trying to get a sandwich You know You and I were trying to get the fucking The NBA package and they're trying to Whatever fucking sport what sport are they into

Over there Soccer right everybody's into the fucking soccer Anyways so yeah I don't know I understand you know But I don't know I don't have Any fucking answers I don't fucking know

Alright younger girlfriend not ready for Marriage Okay hi Bill I'm a big fan of yours And would like your advice I'm a 35 year old guy From the Bronx dating a 20 year old Japanese girl in Japan I love her a lot and want to marry her

But she tells me she's not ready for marriage And children yet and can't really say If or when she'll be ready Yeah it's cause she's 20 I love her but getting married And having children is very important to me If I were younger I would say No problem and just keep dating

And see if anything changes but at 35 I'm starting to feel pressure to get married sooner Rather than later not societal Pressure but I worry that I'm getting too old To be a father well I just had one of 48 so Um Alec Baldwin's fucking knocking him out in his 50s

He said I'm okay right now But in five or ten years I feel I might Not have enough energy to run around Chasing little ones and if she's still not ready In a few years that would put me in a very difficult Position and you're thinking smart sir I'm happier than I've ever been With her and happiness can be so

Fleeting that I don't want to ruin it with What I have with her but at the same time I can't wait forever what would I do Um I would I would listen to Uh I would listen to logic Alright

I really think you know Most of the time you know If who's dragging their feet to the altar It's usually the guy okay not the woman Why would they For the most part generally speaking They're marrying somebody that makes more money Than them so there's no fear

Financially If you fucking you know they're not Going to lose half the house they're going to get the whole house And they're going to get a fucking check from you That's basically what the fuck happens You know it's like the showcase show now At the end of the price is right and you're the guy You go hey thanks for playing and you just walk off

And then everybody crowds around the person that won That's usually the woman In marriage okay and I don't Hear any shit from women because all you guys do is Bitch you know make as much money as men so What I'm saying because if you're just going to say That's not the fucking case then what are you bitching About fucking equal pay for

Alright either you're making less Or you're not alright So For you to sit there being sane I love you I want to spend my life with you And have children with you And start a family and live happily ever after For her to say

I'm not ready for that yet And I can't really say If or when I will be ready yeah dude She's 20 years old She has no idea who the fuck she is You're fucking 15 years down the road You know who you are You know what you want

And I don't think she's going to figure that out with you You know You're taking their best years Away from her where she should be out fucking seeing Figuring out what the fuck she wants And you in your best years Of cause now you're ready So you need to go out and meet a fucking mature woman

Who's not mature I'm not saying this woman's immature she's not She's fucking 20 Alright this is what happens This is what happens when When there's that level of an age Difference at this age okay Look if you were 45 and she was 35

She'd be fucking you know pressuring you I don't know dude I would just hate for her At 23 to be like You know what I don't this isn't like What I want and now you're 38 You're pushing 40 you don't want that

I think I would Pull the ripcord now You know That's what I would do I don't fucking know I mean it's hard for me to tell you to fucking break up with somebody Over a paragraph of information I would do a podcast

As I sit in a bed in a hotel room isn't it So take all of that with a grain of salt You know what I would do sir I would ask you good friends Ask you good friends what the fuck they think Cause they know you and they'll actually have to have a nice Long fucking distance phone call with you I guess you're in Japan right now

I would do that you know Or maybe you got some friends in Japan I don't fucking know That's a big decision but just from that little information Yeah I'd get out of it Alright Jesus Christ Bill Could you waffle any more on that one

Alright I dumped my girlfriend and now I regret it Is this the follow up song To I kissed a girl and I liked it Hi Bill I started watching your podcast Watching my podcast I don't know how you're doing that You mean listening to my podcast Oh this person's not from this country

Or doesn't speak English anyways I'm going to read this I started watching your podcast For a few months because The best Romanian stand up comedians Always said that they listen to yours in their podcast Get the fuck out of here Romanian comics

Listen to this podcast Shout out to Romania Huh Isn't that where all the gypsies come The Richard Priers And George Collins of fucking pick pocketers I gotta tell you man they're fucking amazing They're pains in the asses

But Jesus Christ can those fucking people Pick your pocket You almost like when they leave You can't find your passport You almost fucking applaud them I don't know where you are but that was good I had no idea God bless you I don't know if they come from Romania

The gypsies Transylvania The gypsies they move around Now about the story Me and this girls We had a complicated You got a threesome You broke up with two girls We tried six months to be with her

Till I finally succeeded So after one year and a half A very nice relationship He was giving it to her Of course with ups and downs Before I left to Germany to study I decided alone That will be better for her

If we split up So I dumped her And said to her that we should remain friends My decision was because I got scared Of her love She would leave all of her dreams and stuff Only to come with me and be with me And to

Hear that at 19 years old It's scary as shit Now after nine months When the moving out euphoria has vanished I now know that I made a big mistake And I realized How cunt I was to her I think you mean cunty

In the past month So she moved on But we still kind of talked But I could not sleep anymore I developed a little problem with drinking alone And trying not to feel something A little advice would be nice Thank you and all good

For you and your family First of all You did great with your English I knew exactly what the fuck you were talking about I could never do that I don't even know what you guys What do you speak over there Is it called Romanian

Tapanzi Dude you're 19 You're going to meet somebody else On your way to finding the person You're going to be with your fuck up Like any success story You make mistakes and you learn from them Along the way

If you really love her Call her up one time And just say listen I just want you to know What's the biggest mistake I've ever made I've had a problem sleeping I've been drinking

Trying to forget And just tell her why you did it And just totally communicate with her And see what she says Alright And you know If she doesn't take you back You can live with that

You're fucking 19 years old Don't start drinking Alright You're in the prime of your fucking life Turning around Wake up every morning Have some positive thing that you say to yourself Alright

As simple as today is going to be a great day Alright Fucked up that relationship with so and so But I forgive myself And I'm going to go out that door And I'm going to be a fucking real life You know and you're going to attract somebody else to you Go out there have a good time

That you like And just fucking be straight up on it How you doing? May I'm trying to be positive Trying to be positive I went through some shit and I'm trying to get over it And I'm trying to be positive What's going on with you? They're cutie pie

Don't fucking start drinking and being a sad sack You know Oh baby I'm drinking again Alright that's it But this is going to be a good experience for you You can learn how to fucking open up as a guy And educate your feelings And learn how to fucking get closure with the woman

That you broke up with or who knows It opens back up who knows And then also You learn how to pick yourself up Off the fucking mat because I'm going to tell you right now You're 19 years old If you think this is the first time You're going to get knocked on your ass in life

You're sadly mistaken Alright You got to learn how to get back up again So this is a great opportunity no matter what Alright So there you go grasshopper take those positive words And go help yourself a great fucking day Alright how do you make friends after turning 25

Jesus Christ What do you mean just I don't know Buy a round of drinks He says my man double B no fun Dude that Old Billy no fun is complete bullshit I've been having too much fun I happen and I've been having a problem

Turning off the fun faucet if you know what I mean I'm struggling here Alright there's always a reason There's always a reason oh he just shot a special Boom oh we're eating fucking tomato pies Bang Oh I'm on a fucking flight And the guy asked me if I want to drink

Bazawee Alright big fan You may have had this question before But I've moved into a new town And I've learned that I have no guy friends I mean I'm plowing Like crazy through these apps But I miss just going to the bars

With the fellas Okay so I'm an old guy So you're on these dating apps and you fucking You motherfuckers man Good lord How fucking easy is it to get laid Jesus Christ He goes I keep trying to arrange To go out with guys some work

But they all commute in from another town And have girlfriends they need to tend to I find myself going back To my hometown a lot in the weekends To see my buds are laying pipe With miscellaneous chicks where I live So my very sad question is How does a guy make friends

Cheers Oh you poor baby you're just out there Banging all these chicks you know what I would do I'd fucking hang out with them I just start hanging out with them The fuck do you care You can always find a fucking crew of dopes To go watch a fucking game with

You know what I would do I don't know You said cheers so I'm assuming You're fucking somewhere over there Great Britain What do they say in Australia too I don't fucking know anyways Do you play sports Go play some pickup hockey

Go play some fucking softball Go play some pickup soccer Football whatever the fuck you call it I would do that I would get involved In some sort of an activity Sports related If you're into like I don't know You don't sound like you're into

Shit considering all the women you seem to be fucking So yeah I would I don't know I would do something like that Is there an app for that I have no idea alright What time is it here Time for me to wrap this up

My girlfriend doesn't appreciate me Aww My girlfriend doesn't appreciate me Poohoo Hey Billy back fat I like that one I'm a 21 year old guy currently unemployed Well why the fuck

Yeah you're a guy without a job It's like being a woman without tits I mean what the fuck A vagina Yes women that's what we look at you like I'm sorry we are we're fucking animals Blame god that's how we're wired I'm a 21 year old guy currently unemployed

And I live with my girlfriend And we've been together for a year Oh a year And seven months now Recently it seems like She doesn't appreciate me anymore Yesterday when she was at work I made her coffee, did the laundry for her

Bought her some pizza And then picked her up And all I heard that night was how I didn't rinse the dishes enough Before putting them in the dishwasher She doesn't act like this She doesn't act this way to anyone else And I feel like I can't do anything right around her

Would love to hear your feedback And go fuck yourself Yeah here's the deal Alright And you'll never get a woman to admit this Alright but one of the great things About them having a boyfriend Is that he's gonna pay for shit

He's gonna take them out He's gonna buy Buy her stuff Right He's gonna fucking You know your job As a man is to provide Okay a woman

You know After you push her off the dock With your Johnson there She can make a fucking baby Alright And then immediately Just be the greatest fucking mom And it's fucking magical to watch

What can we do We pick up heavy shit That they can't pick up And we go out and we earn a living And the second you're sitting there And you don't have a fucking job And she does And now she gets to feel

What it's like to be a man Which is you fucking come home Right You've busted your ass all day You know if you're fucking young You don't have your dream job yet Unless you're Justin Bieber or somebody like that Or you made it for professional sports

Generally speaking your twenties Is the struggle of the dream Your thirties So she's coming home And she's seeing you sitting there Like a little fucking homemaker And you know every guy sometimes You know when you come home

And you look at your wife stays at home And your girlfriend stays at home And you just look at that Especially when you don't have any kids It's like what the fuck did you do all day It's like every day Saturday For you what the fuck You know

She's beautiful, she's banging me You know all that shit that guys think are important But for women you gotta provide dude You gotta get a fucking job You want your girlfriend to fucking respect you again You gotta get a fucking job You gotta start bringing home money That's it

That's it See what I do is I bring home money And I do the fucking dishes Whenever my wife gives me shit I can be like what What is the problem Home runs and I'm pitching a no hitter What the fuck else do you want

What is the problem See that you know why I can say that Because I have a fucking job You don't have a job sir So no matter what the fuck you do Her problem with you is not that you didn't rinse the shit off It's not that you did this wrong Or you were driving too fucking fast

It's the fact that when you guys go out To get a meatball sub She has to pay for it You know If feminism go right out the fucking window You stay home You be Mr. Monk That's what happened here sir

What happened here sir Is you stopped being a man to her The second you don't have a job When you're with the woman You immediately become like this fucking 20, 25, 30, 35, 40 year old fucking teenager They look at you like you're a child

That's it You need to get a fucking job Ladies am I wrong I'm speaking for you here Just write to the podcast and I'll read your opinions And I'll make fun of myself I gotta get out of this fucking hotel That's the podcast

Go fuck yourselves I'll check in on you On Thursday After all that fucking depressing shit I saw in Charlottesville I'll be nice to everybody today I'm gonna try to go on a nice little run

I'll be nice to everybody Go out of my fucking way To not be a cunt To be a little more empathetic As I just trashed women And spoke about them in a nice big generalized Way I'm basically a fucking hypocrite

And for life me I can't understand why you guys listen to me Go fuck yourselves I'll see you Thursday